Nookie

Opinion: Beauty is not enough

January 11, 2016 By Nookie 7 Comments

anniebear here. Our contributor NookieNotes wrote this compelling observation that is heatedly discussed on a regular basis. Her words really resonate with me. You’ll see why in my response later in the article.

Nookie says:

Last night, I was having a conversation on beauty with a new friend in town on business. It’s a conversation I’ve had many times, and I was sort of musing on it as I walked to my car. I passed a couple of very pretty women dressed up nicely and looking like they were freezing coming out of the parking ramp. One was saying to the other:

“Really, I can’t imagine being ugly or fat. That would suck. I’m so lucky to have good genes.”

The other agreed.

And indeed, they both had excellent genes.

However, what I heard was not just a comment about their self-perceptions of their looks, but also a statement about their self-esteem.

What I really heard was:

“I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough to make it without my looks making it easier. I’m not charming enough to be loved without my beauty. I’m not interesting enough to be popular without my long legs…”

Let me ask you:
• What happens when beautiful people are not longer “beautiful enough?”
• Do they cease to be worthwhile as human beings?
• Are they no longer desirable because popular culture says they aren’t?

And think not just about your answers. I know the answers of my friends, and I love you for it. That’s part of the reason you are my friends. Think about THEIR answers. Think about your young daughter’s answer, or your niece’s answer, or your sister’s answer, or your mother’s answer…

Or your son’s answer, your brother’s…

This is why I love when people I love think I’m beautiful, but really don’t care one way or another whether a stranger thinks I’m fat or perfect, gorgeous or dog-ugly.

Because what I offer the world is SO MUCH MORE than my meat wrapping.

anniebear says:

This is terribly difficult to write and I hope you, my dear readers that come across this will be gentle in your response.

My whole life I have been judged by my meat-wrapping (a hilarious name!). Everyone is judged as such. I have had a different point of view as an admittedly aesthetically pretty, white, blonde girl. It’s embarrassing to admit this directly and I in no way want to come across as arrogant or a humblebrag. As Nookie says-looks are fleeting. Only in my adulthood have I been able to find my own personal value beyond my looks. It’s a daily struggle. In a world here the exterior appearance is seemingly the most important, my looks have always been under constant scrutiny, the first thing anyone notices about me besides my tall height. In turn, I’ve learned to seek this validation from people.

I am guilty of speaking those poisonous thoughts that Nookie overheard those pretty girls speak. I am just as insecure because I know this is temporary. It is an obsession. What will I do after it’s all gone? The BDSM lifestyle has helped me leaps and bounds to see beyond all of it, to see my future more securely and clearly. To see that I have more than my appearance, that I am more.

I believe my life has been easier because of my exterior appearance, but at the same time it has been more difficult. It’s harder to prove to people you have intelligence. It’s embarrassing when people tell me they are “surprised” by my developed personality and quick wit. I’m quick to negate people when they compliment me on something that involves my mental capacity or a good job performance. I dread certain social situations with men. It’s deflating to not get a job because I don’t “look” smart enough.

I have had friends and strangers tell me how “lucky” I am, that I am “blessed.” These people hold beauty to the same high, unattainable standard. These people, though well intentioned are just as superficial as I have been raised to be. It is a fight against the norm. I will struggle to be relevant and retain value when I am older.

I urge you all to help us move beyond this, as I am learning to do.

Nookie is a mostly FemDom-leaning North Carolina kinkster with a wide variety of interests, and a penchant for writing and teaching. She and her work can be found on Fetlife and tumblr.

Opinion: “We are special because we are D/s”

November 2, 2015 By Nookie 4 Comments

I read a writing today.

It’s good to see someone talking over the pain a breakup can be. Especially a man, who seem to weigh in too rarely.

It’s not good to see it based on this concept:
“Anyone in a long term, committed D/s relationship can attest to the fact that the level of intimacy, trust and communication is unparalleled and can not be duplicated in a vanilla relationship.”

Really? WHY do we have to try to elevate ourselves above other groups so much? Where is this myth coming from?

Confirmation Bias, It’s A Thing

Just to be clear what I’m talking about here:
Confirmation bias (also called confirmatory bias or myside bias) is a tendency for people to favor information that confirms their preconceptions or hypotheses regardless of whether the information is true.

Let me explain a bit… (italics in this section are there for a reason)
So many people come into this lifestyle (We’ll talk about D/s, but know that I mean any lifestyle, including kink, swinging, cuckolding, BDSM, gay, lesbian…) after a lifetime (however long THAT is) of looking for MORE out of life.
Most come here with several failed relationships tucked into their catalog of experiences.

Many come with some idea that THIS may be the THING. Maybe they watched porn, or had dreams of tying people up, or are just naturally bossy. Who knows? Doesn’t matter.

They come, and they see all this companionship and acceptance and traditions and people bowing and kneeling, and think, “A HA! This is awesome. THIS is what I’ve been looking for.”

And so, they throw themselves into it. They join discussion groups, they meet like-minded people who share their views. They are accepted for who they are. They have deep discussions. They participate in activities that bond them with their communities and other individuals.

They have found their place. They have NEVER felt so much themselves, before, ever.

Their next relationship is AMAZING. It’s full of new discoveries, intimacy, and openness and honesty they have never experienced before.

And they KNOW it’s because THIS WORLD, this one they are a part of is just inherently better, because it stresses truth as part of the culture. It stresses soul and trust, and communication as part of it’s relationship strictures. It stresses leadership and roles.

Ok, aside from the specific sections up there that I italicised, this experience is NO DIFFERENT than those who are born again.

That is confirmation bias.

You are searching. You want something. You find something, and think, “YES!” and your mind goes about proving it to be true to you.

And that’s cool! It really is. And it’s probably true. FOR YOU. After all, this relationship you’re in now, is always more likely to be better than the ones before. Because you have experience. And because you are in it now. Very few people go into their next serious relationship thinking, “Oh well, I guess I’ll just take something less than what I had before, since that worked out so poorly…”

And frankly, I’m happy for those who find religion, and make it work for them, too.
However, I am not so happy with those who feel they are somehow the only ones with the knowledge of what’s best, because they finally found something they can believe in, and fit themselves into. That’s just wrong.

But… The TRUST!
Aside from the acknowledged power exchange, a vanilla relationship and a D/s relationship by definition do not have other differences.

Same with a swingers relationship, minus swinging.
Same with a kinky sex relationship minus the kinky sex.
Same as a marriage with children minus the children.

Yes, relationships can be built without 100% trust in the vanilla world. They can in D/s as well. They are. ALL THE TIME.

Logically:
There is no such thing as 200%, 110%, or even 100.000001% of you, of your trust, of your effort. There is just 100%. All the trust you have. All there is. Imagine that that last 1% of trust is that of Abraham to God when commanded to kill Isaac.

Do you have THAT trust in your partner? The trust that would allow you to follow that command, knowing that their is greater good for you in it?

Only you can answer that. I do NOT have that kind of trust in my relationships, D/s or no. I will not kill on faith for the man I love most in the world. I don’t think he’s going to hold that against me, or suggest that I am ‘less true’ in my love for him.

I Call Bullshit

I’m leery of those who suggest that “vanilla” folks cannot trust as much as D/s people. Or that those relationships do not lend themselves to trust.

I do believe that coming into the world of D/s, most people are exposed, for the first time, to a lot of writing and discussion about what makes relationships work.

And many put it into practice for the first time.

However, I know that YOU know, personally, plenty of relationships in D/s that do not communicate much. Some less than the vanilla people you know.

I’m even willing to go so far as to say that D/s communities STRESS trust and communication and such more than vanilla communities. There might even be more of it in D/s relationships, because of making it a priority.

But we are NOT the only one. I promise you that.
And to suggest that we are, and that you are, because you are part of this group is the height of arrogance.

Furthermore, to suggest that you actually know what goes on in other people’s relationships that you have no part in (regardless of what they tell you), and then to compare yours to theirs to make yours look better is just masturbatory self-congratulations.

Do What Works

This is one of my mottos. And I’m stating for the record:
If your D/s relationships are the most intimate and trusting, and {insert whatever positive thing here}, ever FOR YOU, then shout that to the world. I’m happy for you.

Just don’t use that as a judgment call against the sum totality of all other relationships. Life and logic don’t work that way.

Nookie is a mostly FemDom-leaning North Carolina kinkster with a wide variety of
interests, and a penchant for writing and teaching. She and her work
can be found on Fetlife and tumblr.

The References 411

October 12, 2015 By Nookie 5 Comments

So, in a lot of writings online on sites devoted to BDSM and WIITHWD (What It Is That We Do), I constantly see notes about vetting the people you play with and checking references.

On one site, a young lady who was new to a town wanted to get some ideas on how best to check the experience of a Dom who was courting her.

She got the usual suggestions, then someone said something along the lines of:

I don’t check references, and I don’t trust people who speak of references. I do just fine on my own, thank you.

Granted, this is not a word-for word, but it does pretty much cover the concept as I read it, which got me thinking. And of course, once one person says something, all the others who are against or just not for references chime is as well.

And they make some valid points. And I thought of some other things that are rarely discussed myself, so I thought I’d write this.

References (HUH! YEAH!), What Are They Good For?

If you are a casual or heavy player, references are good to check on people that you are simply interested in doing particular types of scenes with. For example, learning about who offers the best needle scenes in a community, or whether HighDarkLordMasterMucketyMuck is really as good with a bullwhip as he claims.

If you have reason to mistrust your personal “picker,” and would like to get a good feel for how people are regarded in the community, to add to your own impressions.

If you met someone online, and you’d like to vet them as real.

If you just want to get a feel for a person, to see if it matches your personal impressions.

Absolutely Nothing (SAY IT, SAY IT, SAY IT!)

References are only worth how much you trust the people offering them.

Many people are not a part of the “community,” and therefore may not have any references. That does not make them bad people.

Some people give false references as a blind, knowing you probably won’t check them, because you’ll feel secure that they offered.

If you are confident in your own personal people-reading skills, you will likely do better making your own choices.

If you are interested in a relationship, versus casual play, references about relationships can get sketchy, because people are often either biased for or against.

References Don’t Work AFTER The Damage Is Done!

Several months ago, I taught a BJ class and an orgasm class at a local dungeon. Had a great time, met new people, and heard something that made my stomach sink.

Someone has used my name, my online presence, and their connection to me as a friend as a reference. And then gone on to be a bit of a dickhead.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time, nor the first person to do this. And also, unfortunately, I hear about it after the fact far more often than I am contacted before things can go wrong.
So, here’s a quick refresher on how to use a reference within the lifestyle:

1. Get a reference.

This could happen one of several ways: Someone gives you a name or several of people that they are confident will say good things about them. Perhaps they mention the name of someone who has a good reputation in the community in passing, as if they know them well. Better yet, you watch them online, and choose random interactions to learn about them.

2. Check the reference.

Yes. You read that right. You actually need to check the reference. That means reaching out, possibly to someone you don’t know, and asking, “Is this person OK? Could you or would you recommend getting into a relationship or playing with him/her?”

3. Repeat 1 & 2.

If possible, check several references.

4. Make your own decision based on what you’ve learned.

Of course, no amount of reference checking is going to tell you everything you need to know about a person. You have to make your educated choices based on your own gut and what people have to say.

That’s how it’s done. Easy.

How NOT to use a reference within the lifestyle:

1. Get a reference.

Someone gives you a name or several of people that they are confident will say good things about them. Perhaps they mention the name of someone who has a good reputation in the community in passing, as if they know them well.

2. Use the fact that they offered the reference (however obliquely) AS A REFERENCE.

This person knows all of these people. They must be awesomesauce. Get nekkid, play, and bare your soul without common sense, because, hey! They know people.

No.

Just No.

Let me state for the record: I have friends on online and in real life that I would not and could not recommend for play.

I bet other people do, too.

Maybe it’s because I don’t know them well enough (many people friend me online to follow my writings), or it could be because I disagree with how they play, their philosophies, etc. I may have them on my friends list because I want to keep an eye on them…

The point of references is not to find out how many people friend someone on FetLife. It’s not a popularity contest. It’s about checking the overall character of a person that you may choose to share your mind and body with.

To me, that is worth a bit of effort.

More than a bit.

So, I beg you, if you are given my name as a reference, USE IT.

Contact me. Ask me questions. At the very least, you may find that the person who is casually throwing my name around didn’t bother to ask me if I would give a reference (they rarely do, BTW), or you may discover that I have quite a bit to say about a certain person, that can help you make a decision to play or not.

It hurts my heart to hear the stories of people blindly trusting others because of my perceived status…

Especially when my status is really only perceived. I’m not all that and a bag of chips. I fully expect and encourage ANYONE interested in playing with me to vet me carefully as well.

If you are interested in playing with me (or anyone), or pursuing some sort of relationship with me:

• Look over my online profile(s).
• Read what I have to say.
• Reach out to my relationships (for example, to make sure I’m as open/poly as I say, and not just a liar).
• Go to events and watch how I interact with others.
• Follow my activities online, and see who I interact with and how: Does the way I communicate and treat people makes you feel safe and secure, warm and fuzzy, or a bit uncomfortable?
• Reach out to people within my local community and ask them about me.

I can pretty much guarantee reviews of Nookie won’t be 100% positive, and that’s OK. No one is loved by everyone. However, if you’re serious about getting involved with me (which means letting me into your head), then you should be serious about finding out as much about me as possible.

Because, when it comes right down to it, whether sub or dom or top or bottom or switch or kinkster or whatever, the only person who is always there to look out for you is you.

All of that said…

I give references. I encourage people to look me up, to KNOW that I am real, to see how I interact with people online, and see how they say that they enjoyed seeing me last night, or whatever.

I happily provide references. Honest ones. I don’t pretend I know someone more than I do, nor do I say good things because I like someone.

I believe references have a place in this world. And I will make use of them.

I also don’t personally feel a NEED for them, myself, because I like my picker, and I take time to really get to know people before I play or have relationships with them, generally.

What are YOUR thoughts on references? How do you use them, if you do? How do they fit into your life?

Nookie is a mostly FemDom-leaning North Carolina kinkster with a wide variety of
interests, and a penchant for writing and teaching. She and her work
can be found on Fetlife and tumblr.

Nookie

Footer