PirateStan

(Note: As always, this column is written from the MaleDom/femsub perspective. Others are perfectly viable, but this is the one with which I’m most familiar., and thus which I write from YMMV)</i>

There are false Doms among us, at our munches, at our parties, our sloshes, on our kinky social media site, on our dating sites, at our favorite coffee shop. Some of them don’t know they’re fake, others do and don’t care, and a few of them are just using your kink as a gateway to get what they want.

They’ll pretend to know what they’re doing, they’ll lie to you about skills they don’t have, they’ll pay lip service to your needs while having no intention of fulfilling them.

They’re abusers and bullies in Dom’s clothing.

Most of them are dangerous, some more than others. A very select few, perhaps less than one percent, are deadly.

Learning to spot them is your best defense. In your arsenal are any number of tools. Your local community can be the best; ask around. If someone has a bad reputation that doesn’t seem based on personal peccadillos or vendattas, perhaps you should give them a pass.

Then there’s always your own intuition, a gut feeling. If it’s telling you to run the other way, do so. You’ll always get a second chance if you’re mistaken, if they’re the real deal. But if they’re not, you could wind up with a lifetime of regrets.

Then there are the red flags. No single red flag is necessarily a signal to stay away. But an aggregate of them could well be. Keep this (inevitably incomplete) list in mind when evaluating a potential Dom.

– Dick pics: This one is pretty basic. One, perhaps two pics of a particularly impressive member are probably okay. But if anything over 5% of their pics are of their massively erect penis, you may want to look elsewhere. An extra red flag if their ego possesses them to use it as their profile pic.

– Vague profile: Not everyone can put together a crackerjack profile, but if theirs is minimally filled out, or leads with the classic, “I’m an open book, ask me anything!” then they’re likely hiding something or have a distinct lack of the sort of self awareness good Doms tend towards.

– An inordinate focus on sex: Certainly, sex can be a part of a scene, but BDSM can also be about a great deal more. Someone who seems almost myopically focused on sex, when you’re rather indifferent, can simply be a horny guy looking to get his dick wet.

– Pet names too soon: If they almost immediately start calling you by affectionate sobriquets such as honey, puppy, darling, or move very quickly towards vulgarities such as bitch, cunt, or slut, then it’s likely they’re more interested in their own gratification at the expense of yours. Speaking of which…

– Places their own gratification over yours: You should always both leave a scene mutually gratified; indeed, many Doms will value the gratification of the sub over their own. If you feel that their needs are always being met while you’re left hanging, It’s likely that they’re all about themselves.

– Poor negotiation skills: While it’s important that a Dom tell you about themselves as well as their skills and experience, the good ones will spend the time to suss out who you are, what your experience level is, and what you’re looking for. Even if you’re the greenest of newbies they’ll take the time to understand just how much you’re looking to get your feet wet, as well as exactly how. If they seem more focused and determined as to what they’ll be doing to you then what you actually want, then they’re likely more interested in self gratification than an actual scene.

– Moves from 0 to 60 way too fast: If someone starts immediately whacking at you with their biggest, baddest toy, and doesn’t take the time to warm you up slowly, determining your limits and doing their best to work within them, then they could simply be a sadist who’s looking for indulge their own jollies.

– Aftercare: The best Doms will do their best to get you what you need after a scene, even perhaps going so far as to check in the next day. If you’re new your specific aftercare needs can be somewhat nebulous, but experienced Doms will still have a checklist of things that are relatively common and will work to ensure that your cool down is as satisfying as your warm up.

This list is simply the tip of the proverbial iceberg; there’re a great many more that you’ll discover as you move into the scene. Always remember to trust your instincts, your peers, and your friends. And keep in mind that it’s about mutual pleasure. If you leave your scene feeling worse than when you arrived, then you could be looking at someone who’s more a selfish abuser, a bully, than an actual Dom.

Stay informed, stay aware, and stay safe.

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PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication. 

I’ll preface this article to point out that yes, some groups, some entire scenes in a given geographical area, are toxic, filled with terrible people and run by worse.  Those kind of scenes, yes, you should stay away from. Now, on to our article.

It’s called your local scene, but it’s different from what you’d do with a play partner. It’s the group of like-minded people you’ll encounter at munches, educational events, parties, etc. It’ll likely be filled with lots of great people, some of who’ll become lifelong friends. It’ll also be filled with jerks, assholes, creeps, abusers, narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, predators, stalkers, borderline personalities, and probably even a few out-and-out rapists. 

So that latter part being the case, why should you bother with them? I’m glad you asked that…

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First let me digress a bit.

In the early 2000’s there was a series on HBO called ‘Six Feet Under’. It was about the Fisher clan, who owned a funeral parlor. It dealt with questions about life, death, mortality, and those who deal with it on a daily basis. It was alternately funny, sad, inspiring, infuriating, and inscrutable. It also had one of the best series finales of all time.

Anyway, two of the main characters on the show were David and Keith, a gay couple. The show started with them together, then they split, got back together, had the sort of trials and tribulations couples on television series often have, before winding up happily ever after at the end.

Now it may surprise you to hear this, but as little as 20 years ago (hell, ten years ago) the world wasn’t as woke regarding people with different sexuality. Homophobia was still rampant and there was very little mainstream understanding of what it meant to be gay.

For me (a vaguely enlightened 36-year-old), someone with little-to-no personal experience with gay couples, seeing David and Keith’s relationship on the show was a revelation. Here were two deep, well-written-and-acted, complex characters who were just… well… people. They weren’t saints, they weren’t sinners, but they did good things, and sometimes screwed up, badly. The show was set in Los Angeles so it was rather more tolerant than the rest of the world of gay men, but they still had to navigate the roadblocks and potholes of everyday life in a society which simply tolerated them.

In the end it helped me understand what being a gay man meant in the early 21st century. It gave me an empathy I didn’t have previously and benefitted me as a person moving forward. Even my 60-something-year-old parents loved the show, and David and Keith. I have to think that it helped them when some of their friends came out a few years later. I think that a lot of people felt like we did.

And this is why you should get involved with your local scene.

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When I went to my first munch I was very inexperienced and hadn’t really met any other kinky people except my then-girl. It was fascinating to see the length and depth of people’s kinks, and how mine was somewhat in the minority. It was even more fascinating to go to my first several play parties and observe the wide range of activities people engaged in.

I met a lot of people I liked, some I didn’t, and some I was indifferent to. But I kept going out to as many events as I could, and I started to gain a picture of what the scene was like, the protocols, and how people interacted. I saw how couples interacted and, even more importantly, how long-term couples interacted.

Again, there were some I liked, some I didn’t, and some I was indifferent to. For example, Daddy Dom/little girl relationships didn’t suit the dynamic I was looking for, nor petplay, latex, or strictly Sadist/machoist relationships. But the Dominant/submissive and, in particular, Master/slave relationships? Yeah, I found those very appealing.

Like with David and Keith on ‘Six Feet Under’, it was helping me understand what being a kinky guy was all about in the 21st century. 

Because the problem is, there are no real, positive presentations of D/s relationships in popular culture.

Indeed, they’re generally portrayed as a joke, or dark, or even sordid. They’re almost never portrayed as healthy, about two like-minded adults who find each other in this crazy world. About two people who communicate clearly and vocally with each other about their wants, needs, hopes, and expectations. In short, the very definition of a healthy relationship.

And that’s what I love, and find so wonderful, about the scene. Seeing so many happy cis, gay, poly, trans, and everything in between people engaging in kinky fuckery warms the very cockles of my heart, to this day.

And that is what can be beneficial about your local scene. It can help you expand the length, depth, and breadth of your personal concept of what a relationship can be.

So get out into your local scene and check it out. You might see something you find appealing. And you might learn a thing or two along the way.

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PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community for over 12 years, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication. 

A few memories I’m surprised I’ve not written about before.

Story #1

At the very first sci-fi con I attended, way back in 1986, there was a guy leading his girlfriend/wife around by chained-at-the-front crossed wrists. She was dressed in some approximation of a Gorean camisk, barefoot with dual ankle bracelets. He had on some sort of medieval outfit to which I paid very little attention.

There were some oblique references and vaguely snarky comments made at their expense at Saturday’s costume contest, but I suspect most of the attendees (which back then were largely male) thought it was kinda hot.

It really made quite the impression on me.

Story #2

Some years later, 1994, I was attending the same con. There was a vendor who, amongst his other merch, had several bondage-related buttons, along with a logo which was a takeoff of the image of the Rocketeer with bound Bettie Page thrown over his shoulder. His assistant/girlfriend was a many-years-younger brunette who was cute as hell.

During Saturday evening’s costume contest he came on stage wearing a rather decent black medieval ensemble, while she wore a barbarian bikini with a long, hooded cloak, barefoot. They didn’t win, but she certainly looked super hot.

Sunday I hit the vendor’s room and she’s at the table by herself, wearing a t-shirt, jeans, barefoot, with her wrists roped very securely-and-professionally behind her back. She had a very sweet “oh no, what will I do, he left me here alone tied up like this?” thing going on. She was back-and-forthing with a few guys who were obviously jazzed by this real life helpless damsel in front of them.

At one point, one of them purchased something and handed her money. After a moment of “oh now what shall I do?” she turned around, took the money in her hand, then made a bit of a show of bending over backwards, opening the cash box, putting his money in and even, as she twisted around and looked precariously over her shoulder, getting his change and handing it to him, again, behind her back.

I stood there and bantered as long as I could without looking like a total perv before moving on. When I came back a little while later she was no longer tied up and was even wearing sneakers.

Still, that moment totally freaked me out. In retrospect it was a seminal moment, my first encounter with a real-life D/s couple, and a “good girl” submissive acting out for her Dom’s pleasure. I had difficulty processing it even as I knew I liked it, a lot.

Anyone else have any similar stories? Sci-fi cons seemed a bit more “sexy” back in the day. Maybe it was me, maybe it was the times. Somewhere I have photos. I’m afraid to look at them, lest I discover the true mundanity of it all.

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PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community for over 12 years, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.

So you’ve been to the munch, gotten involved with a group, and been vetted to attend your first kink party. Good job and congratulations on taking your first step into a new, fulfilling world. But just as you were nervous about attending that first munch, you’re stressing more than a bit about what to expect at your first party.

The initial thing to keep in mind is that, if you liked the group at the munch, these are likely the same people you’re going to see at the party. And those who weren’t at the munch? They know these people and like to hang out with them.  So it’s not like you’re walking into a house full of creepsters.

(Speaking of creeps, most groups will weed them out pretty quickly. Indeed, it’s been my experience that the true predators operate outside and on the fringes of most groups.)

A kink party will be like any party you’ve even attended… and completely different. True, it’s just a group of like-minded people hanging out and interacting with each other. But a lot of those people will be in various states of undress, if not entirely naked. And there’ll be spaces where kinky fuckery is being engaged in. So it’s going to be both comfortable and overwhelming at the same time.

Rule #1: No touching without explicit permission. The scene has always been based on the concept of enthusiastic consent; that is, unless you’re absolutely certain that someone is down for a given activity, refrain from said activity. You may see people touching and hugging but they likely already know each other and have longstanding consent. That doesn’t mean you have it.

Of course, none of this means you can’t look, and watch. But don’t stare when it’s not appropriate, and don’t act creepy. However, if you, for example, see a lovely gal in a particularly impressive outfit that reveals more than it conceals… well, she didn’t wear that wanting to blend in and be ignored.

Rule #2: Be respectful and don’t interfere in anybody’s scene. Again, it’s entirely fine to watch (and you’re going to want to watch, because watching is how you learn) but, if someone’s throwing a flogger or swinging a long paddle, don’t get in their way. And while you may have questions, save them until it’s over, and the aftercare is completed. Most people will be more than happy to tell you all about what you’ve just watched.

Rule #3: Don’t touch anything that isn’t yours, including other people’s toys and gear. Seriously, most people are fine if you ask first, but ask. Some dungeons will have house equipment that’s free to use, while at other’s it’s only for the house. When in doubt, ask.

Rule #4: Respect the space. Remember, this is someone’s home. Pick up after yourself, tell somebody if you accidentally make a mess, and put your trash & recycling where it belongs. And if you’re going to be naked, have a barrier between yourself and the furniture.

Rule #5: Play only in designated play spaces, socialize in social areas. Most places will have the two very distinctively marked and separated. That doesn’t mean you can’t chat in the play space, but keep it down to avoid impinging on any scenes. And feel free to flirt in social spaces, but take any real activities to the play space. And of course, some households don’t have any distinctions between play and social space (except usually the kitchen).

Then there are the other rules that vary from house to house. Some have a strict “no penetration” rule, while others might have an orgy room. Some may not allow any booze, while others are fine with casual drinking (although playing while intoxicated is always verboten, and getting shitfaced will likely get you shitcanned). Most tend to ban illegal drugs, for good reason.

In the end your first party experience will likely be both terrifying and wonderful in equal measure. The only thing that’s certain is the likelihood that you’ll want to return for more!

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PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community for over 12 years, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.

A little while back I had what I referred to as a “Dollar Store Scene” with a lovely lady of my acquaintance. It involved no more than a single roll of duct tape along with a bag of rubber bands I’d purchased earlier in the day at my local dollar store.

After having her strip, I began by placing a few dozen rubber bands up and down her arms and legs of various sizes and thicknesses. I then proceeded to bind and gag her arms, torso, and legs very securely. Then, having ascertained that she was well balanced and could hop about with her legs and ankles bound, I began pulling on the rubber bands and insisting that she move towards me. Were she to not move fast or enthusiastically enough in my judgement, I would let go of said rubber band.

Needless to say, much snapping of rubber bands on tender skin went on over the next twenty-or-so-minutes, along with a lot of enthusiastic, desperate hopping and cruel commands. In the end we were both left extremely satisfied, with a great many unusual bruises to appreciate (who knew rubber bands could leave such terrible bruises?).

This is all a preface to saying that, one’s local dollar store is a virtual smorgasbord of gear and equipment for kinksters young and old, novice and experienced. You can walk in with twenty dollars and walk out with an essential toybag good for many an evening’s pleasure. All you need is to engage your imagination.

Let’s start with materials for binding. The aforementioned duct tape is an excellent medium with which to bind a willing girl quickly and effectively. The dollar store variety is perhaps the best for a consensual scene, as it’s not as insanely sticky as the real deal and, thus, less likely to be unnecessarily painful in it’s application or removal.

Other binding materials include jump-ropes, dog leashes, twine, plant ties (long coils of green twisty-tie), wire, saran wrap, and plain old coils of rope. While none of it will be of the highest quality, it’ll do in a pinch. Or not, as they’re all good things to keep in your toy bag for those quick, improvised, “guerilla” scenes.

(…and for the record, wire can be useful to tie someone’s thumbs and big toes together. When you do that they’re kind of fucked. Sometimes it’s not about what they want, but about being mean…)

I’ve also seen handcuffs in the kid’s section. Sure they’re not exactly secure, nor will they stand up to real struggles, but they can still be a fun accessory.

There’s also no shortage of sensation toys, with feathers, sandpaper, paint brushes, claws, sisal twine, scouring pads, even coconut rope. If getting your lady aroused with sensual touch is your goal, then look no further, as you’ll find it more than adequate.

Finally, we get to the thing you’re most likely searching for; weapons of ass destruction, or implements to be used for instigating instances of painful pleasure on a willing participant. And believe me, there’s no shortage of these either.

Direct yourself first to the kitchen aisle. There you’ll find a large variety of spatulas, spoons, cutting boards, graters, knives, even the odd dishtowel or two (who remembers getting smacked by a wet rat’s tail in the locker room?).

And don’t overlook the gardening section, where you’ll find bamboo and rataan canes (although the latter may be uselessly curly). There’ll also be a variety of other items which would make good switches. 

Then there’re those little glass discs for the bottom of planters. Take a bunch of those, put them in a pantyhose or a sock, and you’ve got a nicely weighted whacker, suitable for infliciting thuddy pain and bodacious bruises.

But wait, there’s more!

Check out the kids section for plastic bats, ping-pong paddles, tennis racquets, velcro-covered spanking gloves… hell, maybe a yo-yo or two for good measure (it was, after all, initially designed to be a weapon).

In short, the dollar store is your kinky friend for those doing bondage on a budget. Or perhaps for a bit of impromptu play. Or if you just want to fill out your toybag with some unusual items. Your creativity and imagination are your only limits!

About the Author

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community for over 12 years, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.