Kink Weekly

BDSM articles ideas bondage erotica resource

You are here: Home / Archives for PirateStan

PirateStan

Predators In The Scene

By 2 Comments

dominant man and beautiful submissive in car
via stock.adobe.com

I’ve been involved in the scene for well over a decade and have learned a tremendous amount in a relatively short amount of time.  I’ve gone from clueless noob, to less clueless noob, to vaguely less clueless but not noob, to knowing some stuff, to knowing enough stuff to be in a relationship, to being happy to not need to know all the things. It’s been a fun, somewhat peril-filled journey that’s inevitable even if it’s not necessarily what I might have thought.

During that time I’ve encountered a great many predators, both anecdotally and personally. And, like the mythical Hydra, each time one seems to be dealt with and expunged, two more crop up to take their place. Worse, some of them are like a bad penny, turning up again and again.

So how does one define a predator? Simply put, they’re someone who’s out only for themselves, a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath who’s only interested in gratifying their own desires. They have little to no regard for anyone else, existing only in their own head and scratching their own itches.

They tend to be unsafe players intentionally, as they’re often sadists who’re indifferent to the inclinations of those under them. They’ll beat someone black-and-blue or even bloody, all the while complaining about the bottom’s inadequacy in taking pain. They’ll clumsily tie someone ignoring trigger points and nerves, causing pain and permanent damage. Needless to say, they’re no fans of safe words.

And of course, they have a tendency to prey on new people.

So yeah, I’ve… we’ve as a community… encountered them. And inevitably we drive them out. We’ve won! Game over!

Except it isn’t.

Many of them hang out in the periphery of any local community, sniping new profiles on FetLife, contacting them and ingratiating themselves, even as they denigrate the local scene. They’re bad people, but it can also be easy to warn new people away from them. Stick to the groups and you’ll be fine, right?

Sure, except for the groups that are harboring predators or, worse, are run by predators.

They’re the groups with a member (or members) that seem to have an inordinate number of consent violations against them, yet seem to enjoy an otherwise sterling reputation, particularly amongst the leadership (with whom they’re best friends).  Often the defense which is given is, “I’ve never seen them do anything bad,” or, “They’ve never done anything to me.” Both of which are, of course, utter and complete horse shit.

You’d think that in a age of #MeToo we’d be better at believing the victim. But it turns out that we’re not. Perhaps we’re too proud of the “consent culture” we’re providing but, if someone’s got a lot of consent violations floating around them, they need to be addressed.

And then there are the groups that are actually run by said predators, often under the auspices of being a group for new people, a sort of “101 group”. Sure they may well do a decent job of presenting 101-style topics and throwing parties which are highly welcoming for newbies. But they also serve as a target-rich environment for the predators at the top. 

Ask yourself this; how often have you seen a group’s leadership take a surprising, personal interest in a promising, pretty new member, and then said member is gone within six months? Consider the concept that they’ve been abused and tossed aside, never to return to something they once craved but are now soured on.

There are more subtle examples as well, people who were once eager and wide-eyed and remain as more cynical and suspicious individuals. 

We also need to notice that these predatory “community leaders” have a tendency to push out the best people in the actual community; they don’t like the competition nor the fact that they’ll get called out for their bad behavior. My personal count is seventeen, people with whom I was good friends, but who I now only see at private events, disgusted as they are with the public scene.

Of course it’s not all bad news. Many of said “good people”, as well as those who’ve seen their consent violated, go on to form their own groups, often to bring in new people and help them navigate what they see as a complicated and potentially dangerous scene. I know of a few locally, and it warms my heart to see them thriving.

But how can you tell the two apart, the predator-led groups from the good-people-led groups? 

Honestly, as a newbie, you often can’t. Both can have sterling reputations, with large memberships and long histories. Indeed, the “good” groups may have a shorter history with fewer members.

In the end, it’s up to you. Use your best judgement, trust your instincts, trust your feelings. Predators can have a way of saying the right things, and a practiced manner of ingratiating themselves, but it always feels wrong. Go with your gut. The good people will always feel good.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication. 

BDSM Scene ideas – Bondage with leather

By 2 Comments

My girl and I engage in a great deal of bondage play, the vast majority of it leading to either coitus or some form of mutual orgasm (multiples for her; alas, a single one for me). And while I can certainly appreciate the artistry and eroticism involved in the slow, determined application of elaborate ropework/shibari/kinbaku, the few times we’ve personally engaged in such activities we’ve found ourselves frustratingly stymied by the inevitable.

It’s like this; if it takes an hour to get her wrapped up in all that rope, it takes damn near and hour to get her out. With an equal amount of focus and attention. And while there may well be an erotic appeal to all that time involved in getting her wrapped up, when it’s time to get involved in some erogenic frenzy, we both want her freed from her bonds tout de suite. And it’s not as if we’re going to be taking a knife to those hemp ropes we both spent so much time and effort washing, conditioning, and treating.

Lia’s leather armbinder is tied above her

This being the case, we’ve found any number of quick alternatives which create both the close constriction she finds appealing, as well as the bondaged security on her which I crave. In short, they’re any number of quick bondages, easy on/easy off, although the former can be drawn out for an extended period for the previously mentioned erotic appeal.

Of course, I’ve already talked about several of those here; cling film, duct tape, zip ties, handcuffs, they all have their appeal, their advantages and disadvantages. Cling film, in particular, is especially versatile (notably when combined with duct tape) as it can be used for mummification-type bondages or cinched up into an improvised rope.

But the thing I’ve been using for the 30-some-odd years that I’ve been actively tying up intimate partners is leather, specifically belts, mittens, armbinders, and other assorted paraphernalia. And I have to say that during that time, I’ve accumulated quite a collection, one I wouldn’t recommend anyone try to duplicate in a short time (unless you’re Christian Grey levels of rich).

Simple arm and leg bondage with leather straps

I’ll take a quick time-out here to indicate that pretty much every girl I’ve bound in leather has found the experience to be extremely pleasurable, with many going directly into subspace. Additionally, those who’re otherwise experienced with rope found the leather bondage to be a very different one.

To start with, there are the belts. You can accumulate quite a collection from your local thrift store very inexpensively (one store in town has all of their belts priced at $2.00). You can use them for wrapping wrists, ankles, arms, and legs. Thin belts can be used to cinch the wider one for extra tightness (or you can just use shoelaces). It’s amazingly easy to make belts pleasurably tighter by tugging for that extra notch (it also isn’t a bad idea to acquire a leather punch to add holes along the entirety of your belts).

You can take your time wrapping your girl in belt after belt after belt after belt, creatively finding new places to strap them into place, always tugging them tighter and tighter until she’s practically bulging around them, like a sausage. And if she finds them to be too tight, it’s a very simple matter to loosen or remove them entirely without disturbing the integrity of the bondage as a whole.

India bound to a board with leather straps

Best of all, as your intimate play progresses, you can progressively, easily, remove strap after strap until she’s entirely free. At which point she’ll likely go crazy on you.

I moved on from thrift store belts some years back and these days almost exclusively utilize the “Lexus” of belts made by the inimitable “Leather by Danny” (https://leatherbydanny.com/shop/en/).  Not only are his straps the best on the market, he also manufactures a back binder which makes securely adding multiple straps to someone’s upper body remarkably easy. I’ll personally vouch for the quality of his merchandise, as well as his personal service in standing behind his products.

I suppose it goes without saying that leather straps can be used quite effectively in combination with the inevitable leather cuffs most people keep in their toybags. These, combined with any of the myriad of carabiners and other connectors which are easily (and inexpensively) accumulated from your local hardware store leave you with a variety of opportunities limited only by your imagination.

Leather bondage mitts prevent Iona’s hands from being useful

Moving on from simple belts and cuffs, we get into more advanced bindings, such as gloves, mittens, armbinders, and armbags, all of which are rather pricey but which leave a girl hopelessly and helplessly bound. Some lace up, some buckle, some have both, but all have the advantage of keeping a gal’s mischievously probing hands and fingers well in check, amping up the frustration factor considerably.

Finally, for the ultimate leather bondage, there’s the bodybag, or sleepsack, which will keep someone tied-up, strapped in, and strapped down like some sort of leather mummy. Even I don’t have one of these… yet. Watch this space.

Mistress Ashley keeps her slave in a sleep-sack

In the end, leather bondage can be a lot of fun, a unique, pleasurable experience, easy-on and easy-off, and one which, while it can be tested inexpensively, can ultimately be a real budget buster. Give it a try and you may find those ropes collecting dust in no time.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.

Fun With Straitjackets

By 2 Comments

blonde sexy Domme with male submissive in straitjacket
via stock.adobe.com

My girl loves her straitjacket. She loves to wear it, be strapped into helplessly, comfortably. She loves to sit in it for hours, snuggling next to me while we watch a movie. She loves to be left in it, alone, to meditate, to sleep. She loves the feeling it gives of giving herself a big hug, of ultimate security.

My girl loves her straitjacket, and I love to secure her in it.

The straitjacket itself dates all the way back to the 18th century, to a time when a disturbed individual couldn’t be restrained chemically and so was restrained physically. There’s a part of me who has an idle tendency to romanticize such a time (particularly when it comes to a women’s asylum) but the reality was that it was pretty horrible.

Most of my initial contacts with straitjackets were in afternoon soap operas, where you’d encounter gals unfairly strapped up and locked away in padded cells, all the while trying to convince crooked medical staff that, really, they weren’t crazy, even as all of this being tied up and locked away stuff was making them crazy.

It was a heady brew for some of us, particularly as the medically gown clad gals were inevitably barefooted, extra fetish fuel  those of us so inclined.

Personal observation has shown that we are rather unusual in playing with straitjacket bondage, as MaleDoms securing their femsubs in such a way seems to be rather unusual. 

There are any number of reasons that, a kink context, straitjackets aren’t something that many people typically explore. They’re difficult to come by, and when you do find them they’re generally very expensive. And they render the upper half of a gal’s body unavailable which, for most people, makes it a bedroom bondage experience in which they won’t have any real interest.

But for those of us inclined towards bondage outside of the bedroom, particularly if you’re inclined towards long-term bondage, a straitjacket can be the perfect piece of kinky equipment. Is there anything else that’s been specifically designed to keep someone closely secured for days, even weeks?

Getting started with straitjackets can have a relatively high expense threshold, but there are ways around it if you want to experiment with hands-front, comfortable, long-term bondage. 

The simplest can be to put your girl in an oversized men’s shirt, backwards. bring the arms around her front, under her boobs, then secure them in the back with safety pins or other fastenings. You can add some extra security by placing a belt or rope around her arms in the front. 

Alternately, you can acquire a costume-quality straitjacket from any number of sources online, where the “sexy mental patient” is rather ubiquitous. While these are tailored similarly to an actual straitjacket, they’re made of a much lighter cotton. 

Both this and the previous method won’t stand up to any real struggles, but will give you an idea if it’s something you wish to pursue further. But if security is your priority, try the duct tape straitjacket. Wrap your girl’s arms in cling film, have her put them under her breasts, wrap more cling film around her upper body, then cover it with duct tape. Done right, it can be impossible to escape from, but relatively comfortable.

At this point, if you’re interested in in diving into the straitjacket pool, you have any number of options open to you, with varying degrees of expense. 

First, of course, if the classic Posey. If you picture a straitjacket, this is what you’re probably thinking of. Made of heavy white canvas with a dropped collar, it has canvas straps including one which secures the arms in front, and a single one whichh goes between the legs (limiting access to a gal’s nether regions). While the company stopped manufacturing them in 2019, it’s still relatively easy to find a used on online for between $150-$500.

Next is the Humane Restraint straitjacket, which can be easily purchased for around $190 from HandcuffWarehouse.com.  It has leather straps which can be removed for washing and, again, a single strap between the legs.

Then there are any number of specifically kink options, the advantage of which is that there tend to be dual crotch straps, allowing for easy access for your girl’s parts. I’ll only mention a few here for brevity’s sake.

Etsy has the Straitjacket Shop where a base model runs less than $200. They carry a variety of other medical-type restraints, including leg bindings and a full sleepsack.

MonkeyDungeon.com has been making straitjacket and other sorts of medical-type restraints for over a decade, and has a reputation for the highest quality as well as standing behind their products. Their prices run from $79 for a “costume straitjacket” to over $700 for a “padded sleeves leather straightjacket”.

If money is no option, go right to the top of the pyramid and check out MaxCita.com for the Cadillac (or Lexus) of straitjackets. The depth, quality, and variety boggles the imagination.

Finally, if sexual access is a priority, do a search for “bolero straitjackets”. This are specialized restraint devices which have openings for the boobs and have minimal coverings for other parts of the body, allowing almost complete access.

Straitjackets and other sorts of medical-type bondage aren’t for everyone, but for some can have a lot of appeal. Check it out of you’re looking for something other than the usual rope, scarf, or duct tape style bondages.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication. 

The Joy Of Bondage

By 2 Comments

hot lesbians kissing shibari suspended
via stock.adobe.com

At this point in my life I’ve had the privilige of tying up, literally, dozens of gals (which is dozens more that I ever considered binding in my wildest dreams). I’ve bound young gals, old gals, thin gals, large gals, white gals, black gals, and pretty much every other type in between. I’ve tied flexi-gals who seemed capable of managing any sort of crazy pretzel tie you could conceive of, without flinchin; as well as gals with physical limitations such that they had to have their hands practically at their sides and could barely put their ankles together, and were still in pain.

Yes, I’ve bound lots of very different gals, but the one thing almost all of them had in common was the sheer joy and pleasure they took in being physically restrained in a consensual manner. And, inevitably, the more securely and tightly they were bound, the more they seemed to enjoy it.

Their faces light up in a huge grin, a primal joy and pleasure evident even if they’re wearing a gag. Alternately they fall into a blissful state of subspace, their faces neutral and slack as they find themselves face to face with something they never dreamed of experiencing.

It’s a high for them, but also one for me. Most guys only fantasize about bringing a gal to such a blissful state, and entirely too many gals fake that for the guy’s benefit. But when a gal gets tied, all artifice is removed, and a primal pleasure is brought to the fore, one that simply has to be experienced to be understood.

Certainly, I’ve tied more than one curious gal who wound up not finding the experience terribly enjoyable. Not every gal is craving bondage, whether they know it or not. Life’s menus comes in entirely too many varities to waste time indulging in something you don’t particularly care for.

As for the ones who do enjoy it, well I am at a loss. Perhaps it’s the thrill of the unknown, the rollercoaster which seems to send you plummeting to your death before pulling you suddenly out, that knowledge that you’re safe even as you crave that experience of utter helplessness. 

As for myself, I’d spent entirely too many years in the vanilla dating scene, happy to merely find a gal who would *tolerate* being tied up, let alone one who’d love being tied as much as I enjoyed tying. Before the Internet was a thing, and if you lived in anything smaller than a big city, searching out bondage-inclined gals was a virtual impossibility (as was the opposite, I’m sure).

Of course, bondage has a rather wide appeal. Witness the number of kids who tie each other up, or check YouTube for all of the “bondage challenge” videos from people who otherwise consider themselves vanilla in the bedroom. Myself, I’ve bound a number of “bondage curious” gals who, after less than a half-dozen sessions, stopped enjoying the experience and moved on. One in particular, who I’m still in contact with 20 years later, jokes about it. Although, at the time, she certainly enjoyed it, having one of those expressions on her face.

As for my own girl, well, she’d been bondage curious her entire life, and had been tied up in a very limited fashion only very rarely. The first time we were together I tied her up in what I consider my “full monty” which anyone who’s experienced will tell you is an extremely tight and restrictive bondage. For her, it was a revelation, something she couldn’t wait to have more of. It was one of many things which cemented our relationship.

I take photos and video of her all the time, and my major complaint is that she looks too happy in most of them. She’s not a terrible actress, but needs to be coaxed to be either scared or angry in her secure bondage. She’s simply enjoying it too much. 

The key is, some people love to bind, and some love to be bound. Indulge yourselves and enjoy life. There’s too much making us miserable that we shouldn’t take pleasure where we can.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication. 

The BDSM Scene vs. Reality

By 2 Comments

latex, kitty, bdsm
via stock.adobe.com

My girl and I are pretty involved in two different groups, the BDSM scene and SF&F (science fiction & fantasy) fandom. In many ways they’re, of course, very different. Yet there’s a significant amount of overlap between the two as well as some rather key differences.

I’ve been involved in SF&F fandom (or just Fandom as we refer to it) since at least 1986, with an interest that stemmed from long before then. Meanwhile I’ve only been involved with the Scene since 2007, having come to it late in spite of a lifelong interest.

So why the difference?

Simply put, Fandom was easier to stumble across. While I’d been reading about it for years, it was only when I began to regularly frequent comic book speciality shops that I came across a flier for what turned out to be my first SF&F convention. For the first time in my life I was surrounded by people who thought and felt the way I did. It was glorious.

And there were hints of BDSM in the cracks and around the corners; periodic Gor, Orion Slave Gir, or Dejah Thoris costumes; art with the same themes or subject matter; as well as mainstream and small press novels with strong BDSM themes. There were threads to pull if you were looking for them, but it was more a dirty little secret. They may have led to the Scene, but I wasn’t yet ready to pull them.

Meanwhile, what BDSM scene existed in the late ’80s-early ’90s wasn’t very easy to locate, and I didn’t frequent the sort of places where they might advertise. It wasn’t until the Internet made it to my door in ’95 that I discovered it. Sadly, being with a vanilla partner and not really understanding what it was all about left it tantalizingly out of reach.

Fast-forward to 2007. I’m now with a decidedly kinky partner, and we discover this new-fangled site called “Fet-Life”. Suddenly I can find the local scene and, in some ways, it seemed a lot like the one I’m already very familiar with.  But over time I discovered some key differences.

Fandom is filled with what is generally a sub-section of humanity, the dreamers, fantasists, visionaries, freaks, geeks, and misfits. Maybe not exclusively so, but if you were to carve out a random sampling, I’d argue that 8 out of 10 would fall neatly into one of these categories.

And here’s the thing; they’re by-and-large, generally pretty good people. While it certainly has its share of people with psychological issues, they don’t seem to be the ones who’re evil or nasty. You’ll also see more than your fair share of people on the autism spectrum, or aspy.

Meanwhile the Scene is pretty much made up of a cross-section of humanity, people good, bad, and all of the places in between. Being fannish seems to attract a specific type of person, while kink covers the spectrum.

And sure, sometimes it may seem as if the scene is full of predators, narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and other bad-and-generally-selfish people, the reality is that… well, the world is simply full of those sort of people, mixed in with the rest of us. The Scene doesn’t really attract them any more than any other general activity. I mean, think of who you’ll encounter on your average dating site!

I’ve always felt that being kinky was a broader part of our personality, not really a subset. When you meet someone, simply sharing kink isn’t really enough, almost like simply being cis, gay, bi, or trans isn’t really enough to hang a relationship on.

If you’re into NASCAR, you’ll work best with someone else who’s also into NASCAR… and is kinky. If you’re into floral arranging, you’ll work best with someone else who’s also into floral arranging… and is kinky. For me and my girl, we work best with people who’re geeky *and* kinky. It’s a narrow subset, but we’ve got each other and a few close friends. But it works for us.

As always, this has been a broad generalization based on personal experience; your mileage may vary.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community for over 12 years, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication. 

No play parties in our quarantine

By 4 Comments

So, life has been interesting since we entered the world of quarantine in late March 2020. From a broader perspective, we have indeed “flattened the curve” and life is beginning to open up again. But even as we prepare to move forward into a confusing future, observations on what we went through continue to fill my brain.

Because it’s been even more interesting for us kinksters.

For my own part, my girl and I have been “trapped” at home together, both of us telecommuting for our jobs. So it’s been a win-win for us; lots of time together with the person we love to spend time with as we save money not driving to the office and buying lunch, etc.  even as we continue to receive our full paychecks.

But it’s also been sad, as we haven’t seen any of our kinky friends literally for months. We’d inevitably hit at least one event a month, either a munch of party, often both, but all of those have been suspended. Sure there’ve been some virtual events, but they lack the je ne sais quoi of a real, in person meetup. 

We’ve “quaranteamed” with some few very, very close friends, and that’s certainly kept us from going entirely crazy. But we also very much enjoy and appreciate the energy one gets from meeting and interacting with people in a public space. Meeting new, like-minded people can be fun. And we first met our very, very close friends in just such an environment; it’s not as if they can be dismissed entirely.

Meanwhile, I know plenty of people who aren’t in long-term, monogamous relationships, who didn’t even have regular play partners, who “played the field” as it were. And that’s totally cool. Except that, under the “shutdown” reality, life seriously sucked.

The places and events where they used to hook up were suddenly gone. And the people they might regularly casually play with were suddenly, understandably, unavailable.  Responsible adults who might otherwise be engaging in mutually enjoyable intimate activities found themselves out in the cold, at home and alone.

Certainly, I have several single friends who’ve managed to successfully “quaranteam” with a very select household. And I’ve been pleased to see that their irregular get-togethers have been both safe and satisfying. One friend in particular has purchased a rather elaborate motorcycle, and her household engages in regular rides in local, isolated environs (I’m actually rather jealous… she seems to be having a great deal of fun).

But then there are the friends (extremely peripherial ones) who’re engaging in out-and-out inappropriate activity.

They’re had play parties, open to what they consider a “select” group, but which are essentially open (we were invited and chose not to attend). Others have announced, through less-than-public channels, out-and-out orgies. 

None of these activities seem anywhere near responsible given the current pandemic crisis. Indeed, they would appear to be quite the opposite.

A great many of these individuals are young, under 35, so they’re part of a typically low risk community. Hell, unless you’re immunocompromised for some reason, or over 70, you’re probably low risk regardless. By some estimates, 95% of people who catch COVID 19 will get a mild form of the illness.

But if you’re in that 5%, well, best have your advanced directive in order. This is a lottery you don’t want to play.

As things are opening back up, none of the groups I’m familiar with locally have any events planned. Of course, the underground groups are rejoicing, feeling vindicated. Not that I’ve heard of anyone in particular getting sick. Not that I necessarily would have.

Meanwhile, my girl and I are electing to continue to stay home. We’re happy together and don’t see any reason to take unnecessary risks.

What has your experience been during the recent pandemic crisis?

About the Author

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.

Dom/Domme Warning Signs

By 2 Comments

(Note: As always, this column is written from the MaleDom/femsub perspective. Others are perfectly viable, but this is the one with which I’m most familiar., and thus which I write from YMMV)</i>

There are false Doms among us, at our munches, at our parties, our sloshes, on our kinky social media site, on our dating sites, at our favorite coffee shop. Some of them don’t know they’re fake, others do and don’t care, and a few of them are just using your kink as a gateway to get what they want.

They’ll pretend to know what they’re doing, they’ll lie to you about skills they don’t have, they’ll pay lip service to your needs while having no intention of fulfilling them.

They’re abusers and bullies in Dom’s clothing.

Most of them are dangerous, some more than others. A very select few, perhaps less than one percent, are deadly.

Learning to spot them is your best defense. In your arsenal are any number of tools. Your local community can be the best; ask around. If someone has a bad reputation that doesn’t seem based on personal peccadillos or vendattas, perhaps you should give them a pass.

Then there’s always your own intuition, a gut feeling. If it’s telling you to run the other way, do so. You’ll always get a second chance if you’re mistaken, if they’re the real deal. But if they’re not, you could wind up with a lifetime of regrets.

Then there are the red flags. No single red flag is necessarily a signal to stay away. But an aggregate of them could well be. Keep this (inevitably incomplete) list in mind when evaluating a potential Dom.

– Dick pics: This one is pretty basic. One, perhaps two pics of a particularly impressive member are probably okay. But if anything over 5% of their pics are of their massively erect penis, you may want to look elsewhere. An extra red flag if their ego possesses them to use it as their profile pic.

– Vague profile: Not everyone can put together a crackerjack profile, but if theirs is minimally filled out, or leads with the classic, “I’m an open book, ask me anything!” then they’re likely hiding something or have a distinct lack of the sort of self awareness good Doms tend towards.

– An inordinate focus on sex: Certainly, sex can be a part of a scene, but BDSM can also be about a great deal more. Someone who seems almost myopically focused on sex, when you’re rather indifferent, can simply be a horny guy looking to get his dick wet.

– Pet names too soon: If they almost immediately start calling you by affectionate sobriquets such as honey, puppy, darling, or move very quickly towards vulgarities such as bitch, cunt, or slut, then it’s likely they’re more interested in their own gratification at the expense of yours. Speaking of which…

– Places their own gratification over yours: You should always both leave a scene mutually gratified; indeed, many Doms will value the gratification of the sub over their own. If you feel that their needs are always being met while you’re left hanging, It’s likely that they’re all about themselves.

– Poor negotiation skills: While it’s important that a Dom tell you about themselves as well as their skills and experience, the good ones will spend the time to suss out who you are, what your experience level is, and what you’re looking for. Even if you’re the greenest of newbies they’ll take the time to understand just how much you’re looking to get your feet wet, as well as exactly how. If they seem more focused and determined as to what they’ll be doing to you then what you actually want, then they’re likely more interested in self gratification than an actual scene.

– Moves from 0 to 60 way too fast: If someone starts immediately whacking at you with their biggest, baddest toy, and doesn’t take the time to warm you up slowly, determining your limits and doing their best to work within them, then they could simply be a sadist who’s looking for indulge their own jollies.

– Aftercare: The best Doms will do their best to get you what you need after a scene, even perhaps going so far as to check in the next day. If you’re new your specific aftercare needs can be somewhat nebulous, but experienced Doms will still have a checklist of things that are relatively common and will work to ensure that your cool down is as satisfying as your warm up.

This list is simply the tip of the proverbial iceberg; there’re a great many more that you’ll discover as you move into the scene. Always remember to trust your instincts, your peers, and your friends. And keep in mind that it’s about mutual pleasure. If you leave your scene feeling worse than when you arrived, then you could be looking at someone who’s more a selfish abuser, a bully, than an actual Dom.

Stay informed, stay aware, and stay safe.

========

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication. 

 

Why You Should Check Out Your Local Scene

By 2 Comments

I’ll preface this article to point out that yes, some groups, some entire scenes in a given geographical area, are toxic, filled with terrible people and run by worse.  Those kind of scenes, yes, you should stay away from. Now, on to our article.

It’s called your local scene, but it’s different from what you’d do with a play partner. It’s the group of like-minded people you’ll encounter at munches, educational events, parties, etc. It’ll likely be filled with lots of great people, some of who’ll become lifelong friends. It’ll also be filled with jerks, assholes, creeps, abusers, narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, predators, stalkers, borderline personalities, and probably even a few out-and-out rapists. 

So that latter part being the case, why should you bother with them? I’m glad you asked that…

——–

First let me digress a bit.

In the early 2000’s there was a series on HBO called ‘Six Feet Under’. It was about the Fisher clan, who owned a funeral parlor. It dealt with questions about life, death, mortality, and those who deal with it on a daily basis. It was alternately funny, sad, inspiring, infuriating, and inscrutable. It also had one of the best series finales of all time.

Anyway, two of the main characters on the show were David and Keith, a gay couple. The show started with them together, then they split, got back together, had the sort of trials and tribulations couples on television series often have, before winding up happily ever after at the end.

Now it may surprise you to hear this, but as little as 20 years ago (hell, ten years ago) the world wasn’t as woke regarding people with different sexuality. Homophobia was still rampant and there was very little mainstream understanding of what it meant to be gay.

For me (a vaguely enlightened 36-year-old), someone with little-to-no personal experience with gay couples, seeing David and Keith’s relationship on the show was a revelation. Here were two deep, well-written-and-acted, complex characters who were just… well… people. They weren’t saints, they weren’t sinners, but they did good things, and sometimes screwed up, badly. The show was set in Los Angeles so it was rather more tolerant than the rest of the world of gay men, but they still had to navigate the roadblocks and potholes of everyday life in a society which simply tolerated them.

In the end it helped me understand what being a gay man meant in the early 21st century. It gave me an empathy I didn’t have previously and benefitted me as a person moving forward. Even my 60-something-year-old parents loved the show, and David and Keith. I have to think that it helped them when some of their friends came out a few years later. I think that a lot of people felt like we did.

And this is why you should get involved with your local scene.

——–

When I went to my first munch I was very inexperienced and hadn’t really met any other kinky people except my then-girl. It was fascinating to see the length and depth of people’s kinks, and how mine was somewhat in the minority. It was even more fascinating to go to my first several play parties and observe the wide range of activities people engaged in.

I met a lot of people I liked, some I didn’t, and some I was indifferent to. But I kept going out to as many events as I could, and I started to gain a picture of what the scene was like, the protocols, and how people interacted. I saw how couples interacted and, even more importantly, how long-term couples interacted.

Again, there were some I liked, some I didn’t, and some I was indifferent to. For example, Daddy Dom/little girl relationships didn’t suit the dynamic I was looking for, nor petplay, latex, or strictly Sadist/machoist relationships. But the Dominant/submissive and, in particular, Master/slave relationships? Yeah, I found those very appealing.

Like with David and Keith on ‘Six Feet Under’, it was helping me understand what being a kinky guy was all about in the 21st century. 

Because the problem is, there are no real, positive presentations of D/s relationships in popular culture.

Indeed, they’re generally portrayed as a joke, or dark, or even sordid. They’re almost never portrayed as healthy, about two like-minded adults who find each other in this crazy world. About two people who communicate clearly and vocally with each other about their wants, needs, hopes, and expectations. In short, the very definition of a healthy relationship.

And that’s what I love, and find so wonderful, about the scene. Seeing so many happy cis, gay, poly, trans, and everything in between people engaging in kinky fuckery warms the very cockles of my heart, to this day.

And that is what can be beneficial about your local scene. It can help you expand the length, depth, and breadth of your personal concept of what a relationship can be.

So get out into your local scene and check it out. You might see something you find appealing. And you might learn a thing or two along the way.

========

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community for over 12 years, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication. 

 

Bondage Memories At Sci-Fi Cons

By 2 Comments

A few memories I’m surprised I’ve not written about before.

Story #1

At the very first sci-fi con I attended, way back in 1986, there was a guy leading his girlfriend/wife around by chained-at-the-front crossed wrists. She was dressed in some approximation of a Gorean camisk, barefoot with dual ankle bracelets. He had on some sort of medieval outfit to which I paid very little attention.

There were some oblique references and vaguely snarky comments made at their expense at Saturday’s costume contest, but I suspect most of the attendees (which back then were largely male) thought it was kinda hot.

It really made quite the impression on me.

Story #2

Some years later, 1994, I was attending the same con. There was a vendor who, amongst his other merch, had several bondage-related buttons, along with a logo which was a takeoff of the image of the Rocketeer with bound Bettie Page thrown over his shoulder. His assistant/girlfriend was a many-years-younger brunette who was cute as hell.

During Saturday evening’s costume contest he came on stage wearing a rather decent black medieval ensemble, while she wore a barbarian bikini with a long, hooded cloak, barefoot. They didn’t win, but she certainly looked super hot.

Sunday I hit the vendor’s room and she’s at the table by herself, wearing a t-shirt, jeans, barefoot, with her wrists roped very securely-and-professionally behind her back. She had a very sweet “oh no, what will I do, he left me here alone tied up like this?” thing going on. She was back-and-forthing with a few guys who were obviously jazzed by this real life helpless damsel in front of them.

At one point, one of them purchased something and handed her money. After a moment of “oh now what shall I do?” she turned around, took the money in her hand, then made a bit of a show of bending over backwards, opening the cash box, putting his money in and even, as she twisted around and looked precariously over her shoulder, getting his change and handing it to him, again, behind her back.

I stood there and bantered as long as I could without looking like a total perv before moving on. When I came back a little while later she was no longer tied up and was even wearing sneakers.

Still, that moment totally freaked me out. In retrospect it was a seminal moment, my first encounter with a real-life D/s couple, and a “good girl” submissive acting out for her Dom’s pleasure. I had difficulty processing it even as I knew I liked it, a lot.

Anyone else have any similar stories? Sci-fi cons seemed a bit more “sexy” back in the day. Maybe it was me, maybe it was the times. Somewhere I have photos. I’m afraid to look at them, lest I discover the true mundanity of it all.

========

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community for over 12 years, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.

How Do I Get My Girlfriend To Let Me Tie Her Up?

By 2 Comments

A litle while back, I made some comments on a blog and, well, really made the author upset. Seems he felt that any lady could be made to learn to enjoy being tied up, provided she was introduced to it in a pleasurable fashion. And I took him to task.

Y’see, some ladies like being tied up, some are indifferent to it, and some don’t care for it at all. And if you’re one of those guys who likes to tie women up (like me, and probably most of the people reading this) then you’re going to want one of the former. And to stay away from the latter.

But this blogger seemed to feel that you can train *any* woman, like you’d train a dog, to love bondage. You just need to make certain that her experiences are always pleasurable. And, well, I think this person has maybe read too many books, had too many fantasies, and not been with enough actual woman. Because my actual, real-world experience is quite contrary to this.

You can no more “make” a woman love bondage than you can “make” a straight person gay, or a gay person straight. We’re hardwired to like the things we like, be it vanilla sex, people of the same sex, people who like to be tied up, sadists, or masochists.

The trick is to find someone who’s hardwired the same way you are. If you’re a guy who likes to tie up gals, then you need to find a gal who craves being tied up (and I read one article recently that suggested that there are more gals who want to be tied up than guys who want to tie them… go figure!). And now that I’ve actually gotten inside the BDSM community I can tell you… well, you’ll be alright. You really don’t need to recruit from the vanilla world, even if it seems that way right now.

Are you a single guy? Make some small mention on your first date that ropes and duct tape are in her future (I leave the creative part to you, but humor is a good way to go). If she balks or freaks out, prolly avoid a second date. But if she’s intrigued, she may be the gal for you.

Are you in a relationship? Tell your GF that you’re a kinky bastard who likes to tie gals up, not to force them to do things they don’t wanna, but for mutual erotic stimulation. If she gets all warm and tingly, good news! If she’s really into it, she’ll be going from zero to sixty in a few sessions. If not… well, maybe she’s not the gal for you… you need to weigh her other qualities against her lack of interest in being tied up..

But how can I tell if she’s into bondage? you ask…

Short answer? She probably is.

Every single woman I have ever been intimate with has been interested in being tied up to a greater or lesser degree. Think about when you were a kid. Were there tie-up games you played? Well, that doesn’t go away as you get older. It’s only the details that change.

Big secret time. Those romance novels that are so popular with women? A lot (not all, but a great many) serve the same purpose for ladies as your average stroke book (or website, or vid) serves for you, my friend. And many of those books are just filled with strong, dominant dudes who spend the majority of the pages breaking down the heroine’s strong will, often with some form of physical restriction or deprivation.

Polls have indicated that the majority of women harbor some form of “ravishment fantasy.” Not that they want to have actual violence perpetrated upon them, but the idea of a strong man “having their way” with them is something that is very appealing. So long as it’s within certain boundaries. Boundaries that, as a Dom, it’s your job to to discover.

Just like guys, women in their 20s are discovering who they are, sexually and in other ways. Ask and ye shall receive. Unless she says no. And if she does, she’s probably not the lady for you. 

========

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community for over 12 years, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.