PirateStan

Metal Bondage 101

January 30, 2021 By PirateStan 2 Comments

sexy domme with handcuffs — via stock.adobe.com

In spite of the community’s attempts otherwise, the universal symbol for BDSM/bondage for most is a pair of handcuffs. In the vanilla world, handcuffs are a thing. I can’t even begin to count the number of people I’ve anecdotally encountered who have handcuffs hanging from their rear-view mirror. Then there are those who wear handcuff earrings, necklaces, and other jewelry who’re otherwise entirely vanilla.

Which is crazy because, in so many ways, handcuffs suck; certainly they’re not a very good entry-point type for BDSM restraint. I’d generally consider them advanced play, as they have many disadvantages which could well turn people away from bedroom bondage play forever.

I’m as guilty as anyone who’s begun heir bondage activities by securing a girl with handcuffs. I acquired a pair of “real” handcuffs at one those pseudo headshops so prevalent in the ’80s. I played around with them, understanding the principle of double-locks, and even figured out how easy it was to open them with a paper clip. They were fascinating, an implacable way to bind someone, securely and inescapably.

A few days later I used them on my girlfriend and she had nothing good to say about them. I’d cuffed her hands behind her, gagged her with four strips of duct tape (even then I’d figured out that duct tape gags required more than the single strip shown so popularly in movies and television) and began to enjoy some mutual fun. But, unlike the rope we’d used previously, she was not happy with these bonds.

The problem was, of course, lying down, they were horribly uncomfortable, pressing into both her wrists and back. Additionally, they had virtually zero “wiggle room”; that is, there was no way to make herself anything resembling comfortable. And escaping was impossible.

Of course, it’s precisely that utter implacable inescapablity that can be the appeal for handcuffs and other metal restraints. There’s no chance of wriggling free; you’re locked up, utterly and completely fucked. You’re going to need to dance to your top’s tune or you’ll be staying this way, forever.

If you want to start with handcuff bondage, then it’s easy and safe to start your journey at WalMart, where they sell metal handcuffs in the toy department for $3.99. While these certainly aren’t secure, they’re a good entry point as they mimic the real deal pretty well. For more fun, buy a couple of pairs, maybe even a half-dozen, and lock them all on at once.

If you find that appealing, then it might be time to move on to the real deal. While you may have any number of local merchants peddling them (those pseudo head shops still exist, and adult toy stores carry them as well; last I checked Spencer Gifts carries them as well), my personal go-to is HandcuffWarehouse.com. There you’ll find a mind-boggling array of cuffs, many of which you probably didn’t know existed.

They have the “normal” sort of cuffs you associate with police, but they also have any number of “hinged” or “solid” cuffs. Neither has the chain between them; the former have a hinge, and the latter are simply two loops which close over the wrists. Both offer a greater level of security than regular cuffs. But the fact that they’re so inflexible can offer an array of potential problems and dangers you should certainly consider before purchasing.

And then there are thumb cuffs, which can also be repurposed as toe cuffs. And any number of leg irons, waist chains, and antique-styled historical cuffs if you want to subject someone to the indignities of the past.

It should also be pointed out that they have a number of cuffs available in a variety of colors, and even offer free engraving!

There are a few basic rules for using metal restraints. First, keep keys handy at all times. The majority of cuffs use the same universal key, and you can purchase extras very inexpensively. Many of the speciality or historic cuffs utilize a unique key. Do not lose this!

Regardless of the cuffs, you do not want to have to release someone without keys. While you can, indeed, open regular cuffs with a paper clip, it can be difficult and time consuming. Meanwhile, speciality cuffs can be much trickier to jimmy. So, really, do not lose the keys!

Next, always double lock the cuffs. A regular cuff closes via a one-way ratchet; that is, it can be tightened easily, but not loosened. The double-lock prevents them from getting tighter. If someone’s wriggling around in a scene, the potential for them to accidentally tighten is great, and this will put an end to things very quickly. So you’ll want to double lock.

Finally, one of the best things about cuffs is their weight. It can be fun to collect a series of cuffs and stack them, leaving someone shackled in literally pounds of metal. It can be a heady experience, and a visually appealing one as well. But if you do this, do not leave the keyholes facing each other; stack them bottom to top. Trust me, if you leave the keyholes facing each other, you’re going to have a very difficult time unlocking them, and your sub will (wisely) never let you use cuffs on them again.

Damn, this article is already too long and I haven’t even gotten into more exotic metal restraints, such as fiddles, yokes, even gag-types such as branks or scolds bridles. Perhaps another article is warranted?

Regardless, metal restraints (or cuffs) can be a fun addition to your intimate playtime. As always, utilize common-sense safety precautions, but enjoy yourself while you explore consensual kink!

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.

The Importance Of Aftercare

January 3, 2021 By PirateStan 3 Comments

When negotiating a scene, an aspect which can often be forgotten (especially with new people) is aftercare. It can be entirely too easy to overlook, as it can often seem as such a natural cap, good or bad. Why would you possibly need to discuss it ahead of time; it’ll just happen, right?

But no, it might not. Also there’s more than one way to aftercare, and not everybody’s going to agree on what’s right or wrong. And there’re some for whom aftercare isn’t even necessary.

Aftercare, for the record, is the physical/emotional cartaking that occurs after a scene, usually for the sub, but also for the Dom. It can vary in intimacy and intensity depending on the relationship between the two, the intensity of the scene, or simply the overall environment.

But why is aftercare necessary? Because a BDSM scene tends to be an intense, superchaged, and traumatic experience, especially for the sub. Sure, it’s usually cathartic as well, but it can still put someone through the wringer; sort of how running a few miles can make you feel great, but you’ll still need that period of cooldown (and maybe a shower) before you can feel relatively back to normal.

Again, different people, different scenes, can require different sorts of aftercare. But a good rule of thumb involves a few simple checkpoints:

– Check everyone over for physical injuries that need to be tended to immediately. There may be cuts that need bandaging, bruises that require icing, or burns that require salves. While I’ve never personally had a scene this physically intense, YMMV.

– Support them (as they may be shaky), walking them to an area where you can both sit together, snuggling as needed. They’ll probably need a blanket to wrap themselves up with. Be certain to have water handy.

– Sit quietly until they come back to the land of the living. Even if they’ve been happily ensconced in subspace they’ll need varying degrees of time to return to reality.

– Once they’re lucid, engage them in some light conversation. Perhaps discuss the scene about what you both liked and disliked. But don’t expect any heavy conversation at this point.

– Finally, get both of yourselves dressed and clean up your playspace (if you haven’t had someone to do this for you already). Now’s a good time to hit the buffet or the fridge, as some people are absolutely ravenous after a good scene. And always be sure that you both hydrate!

– Later you may want to chat further and in-depth regarding your scene together. I’ve found these sorts of conversations to be extremely helpful.

– The next day, call or send a text to see how they’re doing. Even if you’re not trying to set up a long-term relationship, this is the sort of followup you really should engage in, so tell them ahead of time and see that they’re alright with it. Many subs aren’t aware of the sort of subdrop they’ll face the day after a scene. Different sorts of foods can help alleviate this (chocolate is often a good one).

Of course, there are many variants on all this. The time required can be anywhere from five to 30 minutes (or more). Some people require little to no aftercare (although the latter is very rare in my experience). Sometimes there’s a third party involved who’ll take on some or all of the aftercare duties (such as a Dom or Master of their own). And depending on the intimacy of the couple, some parts may be omitted, or become much more intense.

Regardless of how you do it, aftercare is an extremely important part of any scene, and should always be a critical part of your negotiations.

Consensual Non-Consent In BDSM/Kink

December 27, 2020 By PirateStan 4 Comments

Webster’s defines “oxymoron” as “a combination of contradictory or incongruous words”. Examples include such things as original copy, freezer burn, genuine fake, quiet roar, controlled chaos, silent scream, terribly good, passive aggressive, random order, and jumbo shrimp (some would put military intelligence in there as well).

And then there’s “nonconsenual consent”. What the hell does that mean? isn’t it dangerous? How can that possibly be safe, sane, and… ehrrr… consensual?

The simplest answer is that nonconsensual consent is, essentially, rape play (another oxymoron). It’s where you and a partner engage in a scene that mimics a sexual assault… within the parameters you both set.

Now let’s set this out at the beginning; this is a potentially dangerous and dark corner of BDSM that isn’t for everyone and, even for those it is, shouldn’t be entered into lightly. It’s been my experience that many gals who claim they’re looking for rape play have actually been raped; engaging in a controlled, pretend form of it could well be cathartic, or it could be horribly disastrous.

It’s certainly advanced play and definitely a deep end you shouldn’t jump into during your learning period of the scene. It also requires (typically long-term) partners who understand and intuit each other very well, as often the scene will go beyond simple negotiations, into areas and feelings you may not have been able to initially comprehend.

All parties involved need to have a deep understanding and comprehension of, and be very good at “reading”, each other. This is particularly important for the top (the rape-er) with regards to the bottom (the rape-ee).

You really can’t engage in too much preparation, as nonsensual consent isn’t something to be entered into lightly. If a scene goes south it can get very ugly very quickly. It’s not like hitting someone in the wrong spot; this can leave seriously psychological damage if done improperly.

Not that this sort of scene necessarily involve only two people. Indeed, if the bottom wants to be truly physically subdued while they’re fighting back, then at least two tops need to be involved.

It’s important to discuss ahead of time what each of you is hoping to achieve from the scene, emotionally and physically. And it’s perhaps even more important to have a safe word or gesture in place should things get too intense. Because it’s been my experience that they can become very, very intense.

Also, since roughly 70-80% of women have actually been raped to some degree, it’s vitally important to be aware of any triggers which may be present, and avoid them at all costs.

And this brings us to the rules, of which there aren’t any, at least ones that are set in stone. Some won’t want their face slapped, others will. Some won’t want a knife involved, others will want to be cut. Some won’t want physical violence, others will relish the pain and resulting bruises.

Then there’s what the top is looking for. Some will enjoy physically restraining someone who’s fighting back, others won’t. Some will want a bottom who’s fighting back, others will want a more passive victim. Some will enjoy name calling, others will prefer to be more genteel (at least as genteel as a pretend-rapist can be I suppose).

As mentioned, scenes can be as simple as a one-on-one between two partners, all the way to a full-on abduction, where the bottom is grabbed off the street, trussed up in a filthy van, and dragged away to an unknown location to have who-knows-what done to them (said who-knows-what having been negotiated ahead of time).

It should be added that the latter sort of scene requires a tremendous amount of planning with skilled, experienced tops. At its most basic level, you don’t want to be seen abducting someone in broad daylight, as most citizens will tend to dial 911. And explaining things to the police will harsh your buzz pretty quick.

Myself, I’ve only engaged in this sort of scene a handful of times, having found that it’s an itch that can be scratched relatively easily. Still, they were all very intense and satisfying, for both parties involved. They all tended to be of a type, one of which I can share as an example.

The victim, a gal I had been intimate with for some small time, agreed to be wrapped securely and inescapably in large amounts of duct tape, over clothing which was no longer terribly viable; indeed, it needed to be tossed out. Since neither of us cared for the wrestle-someone-into-bondage scenario, we agreed that she’d wake up already bound and gagged.

Enter myself, the villian. Armed only with a pair of scissors I was to cut her clothing off such that she’d be sexually available while still keeping her securely bound & gagged. And this I did do with great gusto. I took special pains to ensure that when I grabbed her shirt and bra to cut them off, I also grabbed her nipple by “accident” and pretended I was going to cut it off as well. She later admitted that she’d almost safe worded here, she was so terrified.

She, of course, fought back as best she could, but I’d tied her so she couldn’t engage in very much of that. Still, a lot of wrestling was involved; we both got pretty good workouts. There wasn’t much clothing left that wasn’t attached to duct tape.

In the end I cut off enough of her pants and undies such that I had full availability of her lady parts which, unlike in an actual rape, were extremely well lubricated. For the record, it is entirely possible to enter a lady whose legs are tied if you pull her knees towards her chest and come in from behind.

After, releasing her took very little time, as duct tape is easy to cut off, and it was mostly attached to her clothing. We had both found it very satisfying, if exhausting.

Of course, what tripped our triggers may leave you cold. Only you and a willing partner(s) can decide what you’re looking for, if this is even something you’re interested in. I certainly don’t recommend it for everyone and it shouldn’t necessarily be on your kinky bucket list.

Still, if it’s something you might find intriguing, find a partner, do your research, get to know each other, and perhaps give it a go. But be careful! This is not the sort of scene that is terriby forgiving should things go south.

Consensual, BSDM Psychological Torture

December 12, 2020 By PirateStan 2 Comments

naked male sub bound — via stock.adobe.com

It’s said that torture is an unreliable way to get information, that people will tell you anything to get it to stop. Back in 2004 we discovered that torture was being used on prisoners at the Guantanamo Bay Interment Camp. It was a huge scandal; The American people were very upset that we would do something so blatantly against the Geneva Convention’s rules on the treatment of prisoners. That’s the sort of thing our enemies do, not us.

So yeah, using torture to extract information from someone is bad. Let’s just get that out of the way right here at the beginning.

But there are some times where torture is good, particularly when you use it to tease, torment, and tantalize a willing submissive. Because it’s not just about causing them physical pain, but emotional pain as well. But, y’know, in a good way.

It’s certainly not for everyone. Many people wouldn’t want to inflict this sort of torment on someone, whether they consent or not, Others wouldn’t want it done to them, for a variety of reasons.

But when done right, with the right people, they can make for a truly intense, emotionally fulfilling scene. It’s like a roller coaster, that thrill of danger without it being actually dangerous, only safer (seriously, do a search on roller coaster accidents and deaths; you’ll probably never get on one again).

So what constitutes this sort of scene?

Generally, it’s any scene that has as much of a psychological component as a physical one. Many Doms do this to some degree during a scene; think of a blindfolded girl who doesn’t know what toy’s going to be used on her next, a Dom tormeting her with one she’s especially afraid of, or threatening to hit where he knows she hates getting hit (but isn’t a hard limit).

Then there’s what’s generally known as predicament bondage; a tied-up girl made to send a certain text message, a gagged one having to make herself understood by Alexa, or being made to stand on your toes while nipple clamps are attached above her (forcing her to choose between the pain in her feet and calves or that in her nipples).

But a full-blown torture/torment/psychological scene involves more than that. It involves getting inside a girl’s head and using her fears, anxiety, dread and, sometimes, triggers against them, but all within the bounds of consent and negotiation.

Obviously this qualifies as advanced play, and should never be done with someone you don’t know well. When done wrong you can inflict some serious damage on someone’s psyche, and those wounds don’t have a tendency to fade away like a bad bruise.

Y’know, rather than just continue with broad vagaries, I’m simply going to describe a good psych scene I had recently with a girl I’ve known for a long, long time and add notes along the way. Sound good? Okay, here goes…

The four of us (my household) myself, my girl, my dear friend, and his girl (who’s also a dear friend) decided to escape our COVID 19 quarantime by renting a house on the ocean for a week, to eat bad food, drink lots of wine, enjoy the ambiance and (oh yeah) engage in more than a bit of debauchery.

Midway through the week my friend’s girl (MFG) had the scene in question.

We’ve played together several times, so I know what she likes and, more importantly, what she likes that her top isn’t inclined towards (which is generally the reason why you have a scene with another). She loves impact play, loves bruises, but also enjoys being controlled and (more specifically) enjoys being tied up very tightly.

I also know that she has a number of physical limitations that need to be taken into account; she can’t stand for long periods of time, nor can her joints take any of the more extreme bondage positions, particularly her arms.

So my checklist is; secure, tight bondage; domination and control, impact play that will leave bruises; no standing.

I began by telling her to strip. “Completely?” she asked.

“What else does strip mean?” I responded, knowing she hated being entirely nude (although it was not hard limit). She has a beautiful body, so this was pure pleasure from my perspective, particularly as I knew it made her feel particularly vulnerable.

Realizing there are a number of stout kitchen chairs available, I decided to utilize one. Over the next 20 minutes or so I proceeded to secure her to it, hands at her sides. I used leather mittens to secure her hands under the chair, straps to secure her to the side rungs, straps above-and-below her breasts, another at her waist. I use another to secure her hips to the seat, two more to secure her ankles to the legs and, finally, two at her upper thighs attached to the back of the chair, keeping her legs spread very wide and leaving her very exposed.

Ahead of this I’d placed a very efficient padded blindfold, and finished by buckling a ballgag (not a terribly severe one as she can’t wear that; still, it muffled her speaking delightfully).

Oh wait, I forgot; we’d worked out safe words and gestures that she could effectively communicate while secured like this. Since this sort of bondage is my thing, I’ve got that part down pat.

I next proceeded to sit down on the very comfortable couch, put my feet up, pull out my phone and tell her, “Okay, you’ve got five minutes to get loose. If you don’t, that means you want my worst, right?”

As she muttered something incomprehensible I split my attention between the New York Times and her, watching as she … well… essentially sat still. Oh, her head moved around a lot, and her right foot wriggled around (I’d not secured it as well as I should have) but, ultimately, she could barely move. At all.

This, she told me later, made her feel extremely helpless, as it was very clear that I could do anything I wanted and she had no way to stop me… not even to move out of the way. She was both utterly terrified and thrilled at the same time.

For my main implement of destruction I’d chosen a thin wooden paddle, about 4 cm wide and 38 cm long. I’ve found it’s extremely painful and I’m able to use it with pinpoint accuracy. It also leaves wonderful bruises.

I began by running the paddle over her body, threatening different body parts. “If you don’t want to get hit there, simply move it out of the way,” I taunted.

After a few minutes of this I began to follow through, actually smacking her in the places I was threatening (starting lighter of course, before working my way up in intensity). Several minutes later I stopped.

I sat down and played on my phone again. I knew she didn’t have a clue when I might be back or even if I was still in the room. She struggled around some more, this time with more than a bit more desperation.

I repeated this several more times, each time more with more intense and harder smacks. I began to increasingly taunt her, threatening to hit a given area, telling her to prepare, then doing nothing. Or I’d threaten one area then engage in a fusillade of smacks to everywhere but that area… before pausing and finishing at the initial place I’d threatened.

After 20 minutes of this her right leg was shaking uncontrollably. She had, of course, been acting increasingly terrified as the scene progressed. Meanwhile, I’d checked in regularly and she always gave me a clear, encouraging nod, as well as a gagged “uh-huh”.

Which is, of course, the heart of the matter. She was allowing herself to be terrified precisely because she knew she was absolutely safe. It was the theme park thrill ride, only with bondage and beatings. Her catharsis was palpable.

After a little over a half hour I’d decided she’d had enough; she’s notorious for never tapping out, and I can read her pretty well. I went with my general rule of thumb that it’s better to leave someone wanting more than going too far.

While I removed her blindfold and gag first, I untied her from the chair slowly, letting her relax as well as relish the return of her mobility to each limb. Afterwards, I helped her over to the couch, wrapped her in a blanket, and held her as she recovered. She was in a state of bliss, completely wrung out like a wet noodle, but in a good way.

The next day she proudly showed off the many, many bruises I’d left her with, some of which were rather pronounced. Many pictures were taken.

All in all it was a very successful scene, bringing together those necessary elements of negotiation, understanding, preparedness, and improvisation. In particular, those elements of torment or “mind fuckery” were carefully plotted out, designed to bring her to a place of maximum psychological torment.

Of course, what worked with her may not work with someone else. I’ve done many such scenes with a variety of gals, some more successful than others. The better you know the person you’re topping, and the more creative you are, the better the scene.

This sort of psychological torture scene isn’t for everyone. But for those who enjoy and appreciate them, they can be quite the satisfyingly heady brew.

A Little Bit About Knife Play

November 7, 2020 By PirateStan 2 Comments

sexy sub with knife on throat — via stock.adobe.com

I don’t pretend to be an expert on knife play. Sure, I’ve seen and watched a half-dozen demos, and I’ve been grilled and indocrtinated into the basics and essentials by the best, the safeties as well as the do’s and don’ts, but I suspect there are a great many out there who’re bigger “experts” on what makes knife play a thing, as well as the magical-mystical secrets of the naked blade.

Me, I’ve just been doing it for quite a while, in my own way. I’ve thrilled, excited, tantalized, and simply freaked-out a lot of gals. So here, I’ll briefly pass on what’s worked for me as well as what may work for you.

A quick disclaimer: If you’re a submissive who’s thinking they may want to experience the thrill of the naked blade, I recommend not reading any further. There’s more than a little bit of a psychological aspect involved and, like with any good magic trick, knowing how it works takes away most of the fun.

Still reading? Good! So here’s the thing…

Really, you don’t want to read any further if you’re a sub. You’re just going to regret knowing the reality, and a potentially thrilling scene or three is going to be taken away from you. Really.

Still with me? Okay, here we go…

The secret is that you simply use the back of the blade, the dull side. That’s it.

Oh sure, you make a big show of pulling out these elaborate, scary looking knives. I’ve seen several Doms who have these gorgeous, seven-inch curved monstrosities, with elaborate dragon handles and embossed runes working their way down the blade. Some have demons fornicating erotically with curvaceous babes tooled into them, with a wicked looking double-edged blade that looks like the tool of a maniacal serial killer. But here’s the thing…

… they never use them.

It’s just a show, mere window dressing, artistic license to get a sub in the right frame of mind, that maybe, just maybe, this crazy muthafukka (whom they’ve negotiated with, vetted, and trust implicitly) will do some serious damage, maybe.

Myself, I tend to start our by running the tip up-and-down her back, her legs, her inner arms, any place that’s particularly sensitive. Honestly, this is the riskiest, most dangerous part, as I have scraped and slightly cut a few gals. Never anything serious of course; my cat routinely scratches me considerably worse, and she hasn’t had her claws sterilized like my blade. It’s of course good to have some medi wipes handy for after care as well.

Anyway… wait, I forgot the most important part…

For all that window dressing, the knife I use is the one clipped to my belt. I pull it off, lean in close so my breath is on her ear, then open it with a very distinctive “click”.

If you’ve done your job right, this is where you literally take her breath away, her pulse increases, and her level of potential terror is exposed (even as she trusts that you’ll never hurt her).

So anyway, you do that other stuff I mentioned, getting her used to the idea that this is a sharp pointy thing, it’s dangerous, it could kill her.

Now comes the fun part.

You start bringing it about her sensitive bits, her nethers, her nipples, her throat. I’m fond of pressing it hard against the latter and getting her high up on her toes. At this point her breath’s coming in desparate gasps and tears are coming out of her eyes.

Except I’m using the back of the blade, the dull part. Hell, if you’re nervous, switch out for a butter knife, or a spoon. It’s all going to feel the same. Because you’ve established that psychological bond, that it’s all real, and very dangerous.

If you do everything correctly, you’ll reduce your girl to a blubbering mess, snotty and tearful (a gag isn’t recommended, as you need her to breathe). Certainly, if she safewords, you absolutely need to stop. But in thirteen years, I’ve never had that happen.

Typically, I wind up with an emotionally wrung out girl who needs lots of aftercare, but who’s eventually ecstatic and ready for more of the same.

So the thing you really need to take away here is that knife play is all psychological, all pretend, make believe, mind fuckery. It only works because you’ve gotten someone into that place where they make themselves believe that you’ll hurt them, even as they know you won’t.

Sort of like a magic trick. You know someone doesn’t have mystical powers, but it’s fun to believe that they do. But when you see how the trick’s actually done, the fun’s no longer there.

And let’s retiterate; it’s not about cutting or actually hurting someone. That would be blood play, in which the knife’s often incidental. Knife play, when done correctly, is actually pretty safe. It’s not necessarily recommended for your first scene with a new girl. But it can be just the thing for someone who’s ready for the next level.

And if you’re a sub who’s read all this and now knows the secret to the magic trick, and will never be able to experience a knife play scene, well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Predators In The Scene

October 10, 2020 By PirateStan 2 Comments

dominant man and beautiful submissive in car — via stock.adobe.com

I’ve been involved in the scene for well over a decade and have learned a tremendous amount in a relatively short amount of time. I’ve gone from clueless noob, to less clueless noob, to vaguely less clueless but not noob, to knowing some stuff, to knowing enough stuff to be in a relationship, to being happy to not need to know all the things. It’s been a fun, somewhat peril-filled journey that’s inevitable even if it’s not necessarily what I might have thought.

During that time I’ve encountered a great many predators, both anecdotally and personally. And, like the mythical Hydra, each time one seems to be dealt with and expunged, two more crop up to take their place. Worse, some of them are like a bad penny, turning up again and again.

So how does one define a predator? Simply put, they’re someone who’s out only for themselves, a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath who’s only interested in gratifying their own desires. They have little to no regard for anyone else, existing only in their own head and scratching their own itches.

They tend to be unsafe players intentionally, as they’re often sadists who’re indifferent to the inclinations of those under them. They’ll beat someone black-and-blue or even bloody, all the while complaining about the bottom’s inadequacy in taking pain. They’ll clumsily tie someone ignoring trigger points and nerves, causing pain and permanent damage. Needless to say, they’re no fans of safe words.

And of course, they have a tendency to prey on new people.

So yeah, I’ve… we’ve as a community… encountered them. And inevitably we drive them out. We’ve won! Game over!

Except it isn’t.

Many of them hang out in the periphery of any local community, sniping new profiles on FetLife, contacting them and ingratiating themselves, even as they denigrate the local scene. They’re bad people, but it can also be easy to warn new people away from them. Stick to the groups and you’ll be fine, right?

Sure, except for the groups that are harboring predators or, worse, are run by predators.

They’re the groups with a member (or members) that seem to have an inordinate number of consent violations against them, yet seem to enjoy an otherwise sterling reputation, particularly amongst the leadership (with whom they’re best friends). Often the defense which is given is, “I’ve never seen them do anything bad,” or, “They’ve never done anything to me.” Both of which are, of course, utter and complete horse shit.

You’d think that in a age of #MeToo we’d be better at believing the victim. But it turns out that we’re not. Perhaps we’re too proud of the “consent culture” we’re providing but, if someone’s got a lot of consent violations floating around them, they need to be addressed.

And then there are the groups that are actually run by said predators, often under the auspices of being a group for new people, a sort of “101 group”. Sure they may well do a decent job of presenting 101-style topics and throwing parties which are highly welcoming for newbies. But they also serve as a target-rich environment for the predators at the top.

Ask yourself this; how often have you seen a group’s leadership take a surprising, personal interest in a promising, pretty new member, and then said member is gone within six months? Consider the concept that they’ve been abused and tossed aside, never to return to something they once craved but are now soured on.

There are more subtle examples as well, people who were once eager and wide-eyed and remain as more cynical and suspicious individuals.

We also need to notice that these predatory “community leaders” have a tendency to push out the best people in the actual community; they don’t like the competition nor the fact that they’ll get called out for their bad behavior. My personal count is seventeen, people with whom I was good friends, but who I now only see at private events, disgusted as they are with the public scene.

Of course it’s not all bad news. Many of said “good people”, as well as those who’ve seen their consent violated, go on to form their own groups, often to bring in new people and help them navigate what they see as a complicated and potentially dangerous scene. I know of a few locally, and it warms my heart to see them thriving.

But how can you tell the two apart, the predator-led groups from the good-people-led groups?

Honestly, as a newbie, you often can’t. Both can have sterling reputations, with large memberships and long histories. Indeed, the “good” groups may have a shorter history with fewer members.

In the end, it’s up to you. Use your best judgement, trust your instincts, trust your feelings. Predators can have a way of saying the right things, and a practiced manner of ingratiating themselves, but it always feels wrong. Go with your gut. The good people will always feel good.

BDSM Scene ideas – Bondage with leather

September 12, 2020 By PirateStan 2 Comments

My girl and I engage in a great deal of bondage play, the vast majority of it leading to either coitus or some form of mutual orgasm (multiples for her; alas, a single one for me). And while I can certainly appreciate the artistry and eroticism involved in the slow, determined application of elaborate ropework/shibari/kinbaku, the few times we’ve personally engaged in such activities we’ve found ourselves frustratingly stymied by the inevitable.

It’s like this; if it takes an hour to get her wrapped up in all that rope, it takes damn near and hour to get her out. With an equal amount of focus and attention. And while there may well be an erotic appeal to all that time involved in getting her wrapped up, when it’s time to get involved in some erogenic frenzy, we both want her freed from her bonds tout de suite. And it’s not as if we’re going to be taking a knife to those hemp ropes we both spent so much time and effort washing, conditioning, and treating.

Lia’s leather armbinder is tied above her

This being the case, we’ve found any number of quick alternatives which create both the close constriction she finds appealing, as well as the bondaged security on her which I crave. In short, they’re any number of quick bondages, easy on/easy off, although the former can be drawn out for an extended period for the previously mentioned erotic appeal.

Of course, I’ve already talked about several of those here; cling film, duct tape, zip ties, handcuffs, they all have their appeal, their advantages and disadvantages. Cling film, in particular, is especially versatile (notably when combined with duct tape) as it can be used for mummification-type bondages or cinched up into an improvised rope.

But the thing I’ve been using for the 30-some-odd years that I’ve been actively tying up intimate partners is leather, specifically belts, mittens, armbinders, and other assorted paraphernalia. And I have to say that during that time, I’ve accumulated quite a collection, one I wouldn’t recommend anyone try to duplicate in a short time (unless you’re Christian Grey levels of rich).

Simple arm and leg bondage with leather straps

I’ll take a quick time-out here to indicate that pretty much every girl I’ve bound in leather has found the experience to be extremely pleasurable, with many going directly into subspace. Additionally, those who’re otherwise experienced with rope found the leather bondage to be a very different one.

To start with, there are the belts. You can accumulate quite a collection from your local thrift store very inexpensively (one store in town has all of their belts priced at $2.00). You can use them for wrapping wrists, ankles, arms, and legs. Thin belts can be used to cinch the wider one for extra tightness (or you can just use shoelaces). It’s amazingly easy to make belts pleasurably tighter by tugging for that extra notch (it also isn’t a bad idea to acquire a leather punch to add holes along the entirety of your belts).

You can take your time wrapping your girl in belt after belt after belt after belt, creatively finding new places to strap them into place, always tugging them tighter and tighter until she’s practically bulging around them, like a sausage. And if she finds them to be too tight, it’s a very simple matter to loosen or remove them entirely without disturbing the integrity of the bondage as a whole.

India bound to a board with leather straps

Best of all, as your intimate play progresses, you can progressively, easily, remove strap after strap until she’s entirely free. At which point she’ll likely go crazy on you.

I moved on from thrift store belts some years back and these days almost exclusively utilize the “Lexus” of belts made by the inimitable “Leather by Danny” (https://leatherbydanny.com/shop/en/). Not only are his straps the best on the market, he also manufactures a back binder which makes securely adding multiple straps to someone’s upper body remarkably easy. I’ll personally vouch for the quality of his merchandise, as well as his personal service in standing behind his products.

I suppose it goes without saying that leather straps can be used quite effectively in combination with the inevitable leather cuffs most people keep in their toybags. These, combined with any of the myriad of carabiners and other connectors which are easily (and inexpensively) accumulated from your local hardware store leave you with a variety of opportunities limited only by your imagination.

Leather bondage mitts prevent Iona’s hands from being useful

Moving on from simple belts and cuffs, we get into more advanced bindings, such as gloves, mittens, armbinders, and armbags, all of which are rather pricey but which leave a girl hopelessly and helplessly bound. Some lace up, some buckle, some have both, but all have the advantage of keeping a gal’s mischievously probing hands and fingers well in check, amping up the frustration factor considerably.

Finally, for the ultimate leather bondage, there’s the bodybag, or sleepsack, which will keep someone tied-up, strapped in, and strapped down like some sort of leather mummy. Even I don’t have one of these… yet. Watch this space.

Mistress Ashley keeps her slave in a sleep-sack

In the end, leather bondage can be a lot of fun, a unique, pleasurable experience, easy-on and easy-off, and one which, while it can be tested inexpensively, can ultimately be a real budget buster. Give it a try and you may find those ropes collecting dust in no time.

Fun With Straitjackets

August 30, 2020 By PirateStan 2 Comments

blonde sexy Domme with male submissive in straitjacket — via stock.adobe.com

My girl loves her straitjacket. She loves to wear it, be strapped into helplessly, comfortably. She loves to sit in it for hours, snuggling next to me while we watch a movie. She loves to be left in it, alone, to meditate, to sleep. She loves the feeling it gives of giving herself a big hug, of ultimate security.

My girl loves her straitjacket, and I love to secure her in it.

The straitjacket itself dates all the way back to the 18th century, to a time when a disturbed individual couldn’t be restrained chemically and so was restrained physically. There’s a part of me who has an idle tendency to romanticize such a time (particularly when it comes to a women’s asylum) but the reality was that it was pretty horrible.

Most of my initial contacts with straitjackets were in afternoon soap operas, where you’d encounter gals unfairly strapped up and locked away in padded cells, all the while trying to convince crooked medical staff that, really, they weren’t crazy, even as all of this being tied up and locked away stuff was making them crazy.

It was a heady brew for some of us, particularly as the medically gown clad gals were inevitably barefooted, extra fetish fuel those of us so inclined.

Personal observation has shown that we are rather unusual in playing with straitjacket bondage, as MaleDoms securing their femsubs in such a way seems to be rather unusual.

There are any number of reasons that, a kink context, straitjackets aren’t something that many people typically explore. They’re difficult to come by, and when you do find them they’re generally very expensive. And they render the upper half of a gal’s body unavailable which, for most people, makes it a bedroom bondage experience in which they won’t have any real interest.

But for those of us inclined towards bondage outside of the bedroom, particularly if you’re inclined towards long-term bondage, a straitjacket can be the perfect piece of kinky equipment. Is there anything else that’s been specifically designed to keep someone closely secured for days, even weeks?

Getting started with straitjackets can have a relatively high expense threshold, but there are ways around it if you want to experiment with hands-front, comfortable, long-term bondage.

The simplest can be to put your girl in an oversized men’s shirt, backwards. bring the arms around her front, under her boobs, then secure them in the back with safety pins or other fastenings. You can add some extra security by placing a belt or rope around her arms in the front.

Alternately, you can acquire a costume-quality straitjacket from any number of sources online, where the “sexy mental patient” is rather ubiquitous. While these are tailored similarly to an actual straitjacket, they’re made of a much lighter cotton.

Both this and the previous method won’t stand up to any real struggles, but will give you an idea if it’s something you wish to pursue further. But if security is your priority, try the duct tape straitjacket. Wrap your girl’s arms in cling film, have her put them under her breasts, wrap more cling film around her upper body, then cover it with duct tape. Done right, it can be impossible to escape from, but relatively comfortable.

At this point, if you’re interested in in diving into the straitjacket pool, you have any number of options open to you, with varying degrees of expense.

First, of course, if the classic Posey. If you picture a straitjacket, this is what you’re probably thinking of. Made of heavy white canvas with a dropped collar, it has canvas straps including one which secures the arms in front, and a single one whichh goes between the legs (limiting access to a gal’s nether regions). While the company stopped manufacturing them in 2019, it’s still relatively easy to find a used on online for between $150-$500.

Next is the Humane Restraint straitjacket, which can be easily purchased for around $190 from HandcuffWarehouse.com. It has leather straps which can be removed for washing and, again, a single strap between the legs.

Then there are any number of specifically kink options, the advantage of which is that there tend to be dual crotch straps, allowing for easy access for your girl’s parts. I’ll only mention a few here for brevity’s sake.

Etsy has the Straitjacket Shop where a base model runs less than $200. They carry a variety of other medical-type restraints, including leg bindings and a full sleepsack.

MonkeyDungeon.com has been making straitjacket and other sorts of medical-type restraints for over a decade, and has a reputation for the highest quality as well as standing behind their products. Their prices run from $79 for a “costume straitjacket” to over $700 for a “padded sleeves leather straightjacket”.

If money is no option, go right to the top of the pyramid and check out MaxCita.com for the Cadillac (or Lexus) of straitjackets. The depth, quality, and variety boggles the imagination.

Finally, if sexual access is a priority, do a search for “bolero straitjackets”. This are specialized restraint devices which have openings for the boobs and have minimal coverings for other parts of the body, allowing almost complete access.

Straitjackets and other sorts of medical-type bondage aren’t for everyone, but for some can have a lot of appeal. Check it out of you’re looking for something other than the usual rope, scarf, or duct tape style bondages.

The Joy Of Bondage

August 23, 2020 By PirateStan 2 Comments

hot lesbians kissing shibari suspended — via stock.adobe.com

At this point in my life I’ve had the privilige of tying up, literally, dozens of gals (which is dozens more that I ever considered binding in my wildest dreams). I’ve bound young gals, old gals, thin gals, large gals, white gals, black gals, and pretty much every other type in between. I’ve tied flexi-gals who seemed capable of managing any sort of crazy pretzel tie you could conceive of, without flinchin; as well as gals with physical limitations such that they had to have their hands practically at their sides and could barely put their ankles together, and were still in pain.

Yes, I’ve bound lots of very different gals, but the one thing almost all of them had in common was the sheer joy and pleasure they took in being physically restrained in a consensual manner. And, inevitably, the more securely and tightly they were bound, the more they seemed to enjoy it.

Their faces light up in a huge grin, a primal joy and pleasure evident even if they’re wearing a gag. Alternately they fall into a blissful state of subspace, their faces neutral and slack as they find themselves face to face with something they never dreamed of experiencing.

It’s a high for them, but also one for me. Most guys only fantasize about bringing a gal to such a blissful state, and entirely too many gals fake that for the guy’s benefit. But when a gal gets tied, all artifice is removed, and a primal pleasure is brought to the fore, one that simply has to be experienced to be understood.

Certainly, I’ve tied more than one curious gal who wound up not finding the experience terribly enjoyable. Not every gal is craving bondage, whether they know it or not. Life’s menus comes in entirely too many varities to waste time indulging in something you don’t particularly care for.

As for the ones who do enjoy it, well I am at a loss. Perhaps it’s the thrill of the unknown, the rollercoaster which seems to send you plummeting to your death before pulling you suddenly out, that knowledge that you’re safe even as you crave that experience of utter helplessness.

As for myself, I’d spent entirely too many years in the vanilla dating scene, happy to merely find a gal who would *tolerate* being tied up, let alone one who’d love being tied as much as I enjoyed tying. Before the Internet was a thing, and if you lived in anything smaller than a big city, searching out bondage-inclined gals was a virtual impossibility (as was the opposite, I’m sure).

Of course, bondage has a rather wide appeal. Witness the number of kids who tie each other up, or check YouTube for all of the “bondage challenge” videos from people who otherwise consider themselves vanilla in the bedroom. Myself, I’ve bound a number of “bondage curious” gals who, after less than a half-dozen sessions, stopped enjoying the experience and moved on. One in particular, who I’m still in contact with 20 years later, jokes about it. Although, at the time, she certainly enjoyed it, having one of those expressions on her face.

As for my own girl, well, she’d been bondage curious her entire life, and had been tied up in a very limited fashion only very rarely. The first time we were together I tied her up in what I consider my “full monty” which anyone who’s experienced will tell you is an extremely tight and restrictive bondage. For her, it was a revelation, something she couldn’t wait to have more of. It was one of many things which cemented our relationship.

I take photos and video of her all the time, and my major complaint is that she looks too happy in most of them. She’s not a terrible actress, but needs to be coaxed to be either scared or angry in her secure bondage. She’s simply enjoying it too much.

The key is, some people love to bind, and some love to be bound. Indulge yourselves and enjoy life. There’s too much making us miserable that we shouldn’t take pleasure where we can.

The BDSM Scene vs. Reality

August 16, 2020 By PirateStan 2 Comments

latex, kitty, bdsm — via stock.adobe.com

My girl and I are pretty involved in two different groups, the BDSM scene and SF&F (science fiction & fantasy) fandom. In many ways they’re, of course, very different. Yet there’s a significant amount of overlap between the two as well as some rather key differences.

I’ve been involved in SF&F fandom (or just Fandom as we refer to it) since at least 1986, with an interest that stemmed from long before then. Meanwhile I’ve only been involved with the Scene since 2007, having come to it late in spite of a lifelong interest.

So why the difference?

Simply put, Fandom was easier to stumble across. While I’d been reading about it for years, it was only when I began to regularly frequent comic book speciality shops that I came across a flier for what turned out to be my first SF&F convention. For the first time in my life I was surrounded by people who thought and felt the way I did. It was glorious.

And there were hints of BDSM in the cracks and around the corners; periodic Gor, Orion Slave Gir, or Dejah Thoris costumes; art with the same themes or subject matter; as well as mainstream and small press novels with strong BDSM themes. There were threads to pull if you were looking for them, but it was more a dirty little secret. They may have led to the Scene, but I wasn’t yet ready to pull them.

Meanwhile, what BDSM scene existed in the late ’80s-early ’90s wasn’t very easy to locate, and I didn’t frequent the sort of places where they might advertise. It wasn’t until the Internet made it to my door in ’95 that I discovered it. Sadly, being with a vanilla partner and not really understanding what it was all about left it tantalizingly out of reach.

Fast-forward to 2007. I’m now with a decidedly kinky partner, and we discover this new-fangled site called “Fet-Life”. Suddenly I can find the local scene and, in some ways, it seemed a lot like the one I’m already very familiar with. But over time I discovered some key differences.

Fandom is filled with what is generally a sub-section of humanity, the dreamers, fantasists, visionaries, freaks, geeks, and misfits. Maybe not exclusively so, but if you were to carve out a random sampling, I’d argue that 8 out of 10 would fall neatly into one of these categories.

And here’s the thing; they’re by-and-large, generally pretty good people. While it certainly has its share of people with psychological issues, they don’t seem to be the ones who’re evil or nasty. You’ll also see more than your fair share of people on the autism spectrum, or aspy.

Meanwhile the Scene is pretty much made up of a cross-section of humanity, people good, bad, and all of the places in between. Being fannish seems to attract a specific type of person, while kink covers the spectrum.

And sure, sometimes it may seem as if the scene is full of predators, narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and other bad-and-generally-selfish people, the reality is that… well, the world is simply full of those sort of people, mixed in with the rest of us. The Scene doesn’t really attract them any more than any other general activity. I mean, think of who you’ll encounter on your average dating site!

I’ve always felt that being kinky was a broader part of our personality, not really a subset. When you meet someone, simply sharing kink isn’t really enough, almost like simply being cis, gay, bi, or trans isn’t really enough to hang a relationship on.

If you’re into NASCAR, you’ll work best with someone else who’s also into NASCAR… and is kinky. If you’re into floral arranging, you’ll work best with someone else who’s also into floral arranging… and is kinky. For me and my girl, we work best with people who’re geeky *and* kinky. It’s a narrow subset, but we’ve got each other and a few close friends. But it works for us.

As always, this has been a broad generalization based on personal experience; your mileage may vary.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community for over 12 years, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.

PirateStan

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