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Discipline-Based Dynamics

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We live in a discipline based dynamic (DD). In our relationship, I am the Dom, and my partner is my  submissive masochist and 3-hole slut. She is collared. She belongs to me. I own her.  

In all discipline-based dynamics there is a Dominant partner and a submissive partner. Here is an  example of how that played out in our dynamic. Almost 6 months into our discipline based dynamic that  started when I claimed her, it occurred to me that on the days following our High Protocol marking  scenes (where she gets marked with a cane), which we hold during the weekend, she was in a much  better mood than her baseline, she was unmistakably more loving, happier and more attentive. As the  week wore on, she tended to get “out of sorts”. After seeing this play out for a few weeks in a row, I got  to thinking about it, and I concluded that she should get a daily maintenance spanking to see if that  altered her experience any. Well, I can report that it has dramatically altered both her experience and  our relationship. The first time I gave her a daily spanking, we had great sex immediately following and  now that ritual is part of our daily extremely hot sexual encounter that itself has opened a lot of doors  for us in our pursuit of sexual nirvana. When I first told her that she was to get a daily maintenance  spanking, because we live in a DD household, even though she bit her lip with both a bit of concern and  a little trepidation, she immediately accepted my decision and made sure she was ready to get spanked  every day. Even though she was worried about it at first, she trusted me to look out for her, and she  gave her unconditional consent. All DD are based on consent. We live in what is called a 24/7 TPE or  Total Power Exchange.  

Now, regarding the daily maintenance spanking, just to be clear, she had done nothing wrong, she was  simply being human, and so the spanking was not a punishment for a bad behavior, it was not a cause  and effect spanking, It was not corporal punishment at all. The discipline in this instance is that she gets  a daily spanking, which means that when she gets home from work, she goes to the bathroom and gets  herself ready to be spanked and used. This is our protocol. In a DD dynamic, protocols are at play.  Because she is an obedient submissive, we do not have a power struggle about this. I have told her what  she needs to do to properly prepare herself to serve me and she does that joyfully, even to the point of  putting out the flogger, lube and a towel before she kneels in her Nadu pose to wait for my attention.  

The impact of incorporating this practice into our daily life is nothing short of amazing. It has  dramatically improved our connectedness, our relatedness and the sense of closeness we have between  us. We love each other more intensely today that we did when I introduced the practice more than 2 years ago.  

This experience of being “much closer than ever” is a very common experience for a D/s couple who  practice a domestic discipline lifestyle. Now adult DD relationships are varied. There are female led  relationships (FLR) with a dominant woman and a submissive man. This is a very popular topic. The most  downloaded episode of our podcast is the FLR pod (Season1 Episode 147). Some of these relationships  are strictly discipline oriented where corporal punishment is a part of any punishment or transgression  resolution, and some are asexual dynamics as well. In our dynamic the DD is intertwined without  sexuality, but this is not always the case. A man who endures the over the knee (OTK) hairbrush  spanking and then has to stand in the corner with his red ass exposed may have a “completely normal  vanilla” sexual relationship with his partner where he is dominant in bed. It does not really need to be  stated, but there are both gay and lesbian DD relationships as well as non-binary dynamics. 

One of the more interesting DD dynamics is the Big/Little dynamic where an adult care giver is  responsible for an adult little (or child persona) who needs to be disciplined in many ways from having  their diaper checked or changed, to what and how much they eat etc. In truth, there are numerous  forms of DD relationships which we refer to as “Power Exchange Relationships”, such as:  

 Master/sub/slave (M/s)  

 Mistress/sub/slave (M/s)  

 Mommy Dom/little boy/girl (MD/lg or MD/lb)  

 Daddy Dom/little boy/girl (DD/lb or DD/lg)  

 Domestic Discipline (DD)  

 Head of Household (HOH)  

 Taken in Hand (TIH)  

 Total Power Exchange (TPE  

 Absolute Power Exchange (APE)  

By definition, a power exchange relationship (PER) is a relational dynamic in which one individual serves  another in a consensual authority exchange structured relationship wherein a partners choose to either  give up or get control of authority. Pet play is another power exchange dynamic as well.  

There are many issues to deal with in a power exchange relationship. For example, imagine a DD couple  where the primary discipline is an Over the Knee (OTK) spanking, and the couple has children? What are  some of the concerns? From where I sit, there is never cause to spank a child, so that is not what I am  promoting, I am asking strictly from the perspective that the HOH has determined that the sub is to get  an OTK spanking, and the household has young or even teenage children. How should that be managed?  If you read the message boards, the consensus is that the couple works to separate completely the DD  activities from the parenting of their children. It is an adult behavior and not appropriate for the children  to witness. To a person, the sub, males and females, will note that the spankings they get make them  closer to their dominant. So, it is both needed and necessary, which requires that they find way to take  their behavior out of the purview of their children. From the point of view of the children, all they see is  a loving relationship between their parents.  

Why people choose PER’s is as complex as it is varied. In our case, we are both wired to be in a PER. We  were both in unfulfilling marriages before we connected, and we both drifted to a TPE. I had advertised  that that is what I was seeking, and she was drawn to my stated relationship intention. Now I want to  make an especially important point. There is a massive difference between being dominant and being  domineering. Being the HOH does not entitle me to be domineering. In fact, my partner was in a  marriage with a domineering man whom she grew to despise. I cannot explain what makes me  dominant or why she sensed my dominance even as we met for the first time. I do know that being  dominant is my natural way of being and that having her as my submissive has allowed me my full self expression as a sexual being. The secret is to a successful DD is to keep the integrity of the dynamic  intact. What do I mean by that? I mean that the relationship only works where consent is present, and it  only works where agreements are kept. If, for example, I said, “if you do that again, I am going to spank  you” and she does it again and I do not follow through and spank her, then she will begin to wonder if I  am paying enough attention to her. This leads to space and space kills relationships. Instead, I enroll her  into the dynamic ongoingly and register her willing participation by keeping it fun, and then we both take on making sure that we fulfill on our commitment to each other. PER’s require that both the Dom  and the sub are 100% responsible for maintaining the relationship, All PER are consent based as I have noted, and the amount of power a submissive chooses to give up is  subject to negotiation. Our dynamic is a Total Power Exchange. I say what goes, and yet, I insist that my  sub has agency, and is fully self-expressed. We maintain a remarkably high degree of communication so  that she can speak her mind without concern. For example, she might tell me that she is going for a run,  she does not ask me if she can go for a run, and that occurs inside of the integrity of our broader  dynamic where her fitness and health are a stated priority of ours. If there were an insurmountable  issue, we have an agreement in place that we can set aside the DD for the purposes of talking as equals  and resolving the issue. In other dynamics, HOH for example, there is an invitation for more discussion  preceding decisions that the HOH then makes. In a Big/little dynamic, there is more enrollment that  occurs, and discipline might involve punishing brattyness (disobedience designed to elicit a spanking or  punishment) and that sort of play. So, as I like to say, there is no right way to be. The individuals need to  negotiate a PER dynamic that works for each of them.  

There is a really great tool we use to manage communication in our dynamic called WeMinder. As a tool  designed for discipline based dynamics, it allows a Dom to assign tasks and reward or punish based on  the agreements that have been negotiated. You can listen to the conversation we had with the founder here. (https://www.buzzsprout.com/962578/8559456)  

WeMinder is inexpensive and perfect for partners in DD dynamics, including those who do not live in the same geography.  

There are dynamics where corporal punishment is used to change behavior. We talked to a  Disciplinarian who makes himself available using hard core corporal punishment on request of  submissive women who even fly to see him from thousands of miles away to get brutal 12 or 24 or 50  stroke cold caning sessions. I once worked with a woman who wanted to lose weight and quit smoking,  and she requested corporal punishment to motivate her to change her behavior. In both of these  examples, the PER is asexual. The point is that PER’s occur in all sorts of ways where one partner  chooses to give up power and one chooses to take power. The definition is even true in consent/non  consent dynamics, which is more of a roll play dynamic. I am simply observing that DD’s occur in the  realm of relationship, the realm of sexuality, and the realm where those are combined.  

Regardless of the style of DD you choose, the best way to proceed is to be in communication, to  negotiate, to make agreements and to stick to them. We choose to operate in a space where there is  “nothing wrong”, and as we were developing our dynamic, there were times when we were required set  the dynamic aside to speak as equals so as to confirm or clarify or renegotiate an agreement or  negotiate a new one. That process occurred more at first while we worked out the limits in our dynamic.  

There is tons of information out there in blogs, and on sites like fetlife where there are dozens of groups  devoted to DD or PER with thousands of members who engage in conversations and who post their ideas and opinions.  

My view is that a PER is a serious commitment. We both believe that we each need to be 100%  responsible for maintaining the PER in the healthiest way possible. In the 3 years since we first met, we  have seen our relationship and our dynamic grow closer and closer and we are more aligned now than ever before, and she has received a daily maintenance spanking every day for more than half of that  time. The spanking she receives are not trivial, but are on the order of 500 lashes with a heavy bull hide  flogger that turns her ass bright red. We used the spankings to explore her masochism, and she is now  climaxing during her spanking that now occurs as part our ridiculously hot kinky sex. We found the key  to unlock our dynamic when I made an observation about her behavior, thought about how to address it  in the context of our PER, and came up with the daily maintenance spanking as an idea. Because we are  in a rabbit hole, and because we have no idea about the twists and turns, and because new actions  produce unpredictable outcomes, we are now closer, more aligned, more connected, more related and  more in love, happiness and joy than ever before, and our PER is humming along perfectly.  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching  options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast  platforms

Humiliation and Degradation

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You have heard or seen humiliation and or degradation before in sexual scenes. The Dominatrix says to  her sub “You are a dirty little sissy slut, and Mistress is going to fuck your useless ass”, or you have seen  it in porn, for example, the submissive tied up kneeling on the bathroom floor with her mouth open and the word “toilet” scrawled on her body and face as a variety of men stand around urinating on her and in her mouth.  

What is it about humiliation and degradation that plays so powerfully as a fetish in kink?  

There is an arousal response that occurs when someone is humiliated. The arousal response is the  constellation of physiological changes—e.g., increased muscle tension, tachycardia and secretion of  catecholamines—which help prepare the body for expenditure of a large amount of energy; also known  as. the “fight-or-flight response”. For some people, that response occurs to them as sexually arousing.  

The fight or flight response can occur as sexual arousal because the sexual arousal response is quite  similar in some ways to the fight or flight response. The sexual arousal response is the sequence of  physical and emotional changes that occur as a person becomes sexually aroused. It occurs in 3 phases.  It’s during the first 2 phases of the sexual arousal response, desire (or libido) and arousal (excitement)  that the person who finds humiliation and degradation arousing experiences the fight or flight response as arousing.  

I have had submissives who are aroused by fear. The fear of being punished, the fear of being used hard  and so on. Well in the case of these submissive women, their fear is compressed with their feelings of  sexual arousal and so they seek situations where they can be humiliated or degraded as part of their  sexual self-expression.  

During the first phase of sexual arousal, which can last from a few minutes to several hours, (like in a  play scene), a person may experience any of the following:  

– Muscle tension increase  

– Heart rate quickening  

– More rapid breathing  

– Flushing of the skin  

– Nipple erection and hardening  

– Genital blood flow increases resulting in erection of the penis and swelling of the labia and  clitoris  

– Vaginal lubrication begins and vaginal walls swell  

– The breasts become fuller  

– The testes swell and the scrotum tightens, and he begins secreting lubricating liquid  

This list represents all the physical changes that could occur during this phase, but its quite conceivable  that a person may experience one or more of these symptoms directly as a result of being humiliated or  degraded which illustrates how humiliation and degradation can be interpreted as sexually arousing.  During the second phase of sexual arousal, those changes listed are intensified with breathing, heart  rate and blood pressure also increasing. It’s easy to imagine how the fight or flight response can be  experienced as sexual arousal because the physiological changes that occur in either one are so similar to each other. 

There are whole kink constructs developed around humiliation and degradation. Take the example of  the husband with a tiny penis who is cuckhold by his wife who dates men with much large dicks and who  constantly humiliates him by saying things like “you could never satisfy me with that tiny dick” or “put  that in a cage, its not needed any more, a real man will fuck me” and so on. I recently met such a small  penis kinkster who is 8 months in chastity and who is being sissified by his Mistress who humiliates him  to the point that he is required to dress in women’s lingerie and service her and the large-dicked men,  also known as Bulls, she brings home. To please her, he fluffs the Bull and cleans her pussy or ass after  he fucks her, and then he cleans the Bull’s dick. He does not identify as gay or bi. His entire world of  sexual arousal is based on humiliation and degradation, and for sure that is just one example of a  hundred possible scenarios. On the other hand, in a typical heterosexual relationship, the male partner  may experience arousal when his partner says things to him like “I’m going to fuck your sissy ass” while  she fingers his ass and massages his prostate, with that level of humiliation being more than enough to  sexually arouse him to his satisfaction. Similarly, my slut likes me to call her “a dirty girl”, and “a filthy  whore” because she enjoys ass to mouth, which I also love. I will also add that as a sexual sadist, I get a  certain rise out of doing things that are humiliating or degrading to my slut. From putting her in a cage  with ginger in her ass to pissing down her throat after I have caned her ass, these acts cause a sexually  arousing physiological response in me as well as in her such that we both thrive sexually.  

Consider that something occurs as humiliating only if the person being targeted with the humiliating  task or phrase experience the phrase or task as humiliating. At the same time, I humiliate my slut by  calling her a “filthy whore”, which arouses her, and so even though its clearly degrading to call her –  someone I love – a” filthy whore’, in context it serves to arouse her.  

The argument then, is that for humiliation and degradation to make sense in a sexual scene, the target  of that humiliation and degradation needs to be sexually aroused by the humiliation. If I were to call my  slut “a filthy whore” and it has the impact of making her feel bad, then that would take her out of a  sexual context and disrupt the scene.  

When I piss in my slut’s ass, it is a very dominant act that is degrading to her on one level, but on  another level, she is deeply aroused by my doing so, to the point that she masturbates vigorously while I do so.  

When I put her in pussy chastity and made her an ass whore for a month, was that humiliating? Well, it  is degrading to be told you are in chastity for a month for sure, but she loves anal sex and while she got  sexually frustrated at her pussy not being used, she loved getting related to her ass as a sex organ at the same time.  

Humiliation and degradation are kinks. They are a fetish, but unlike say, flogging, which is very much  physical, they are kinks that expand the dynamic. They do so as either direct or indirect stimuli. They are  not always as direct as impact play for example. Whether its direct like chastity, or indirect like a phrase,  incorporating humiliation and degradation into your dynamic is really about getting into your partner’s  head.  

All sexual encounters are ultimately psychological encounters in the end. Sure, sex itself is physical, but  it is the degree of arousal and the intensity of the experience that fetishes and kinks play on that make  the experience more psychological than physical, and more intense physically. 

We are very kinky people. We live in a 24/7 TPE. Consider that. It is an always on, total power exchange.  She has gifted me her power when it comes to our sexual dynamic and our relationship. This means that  when I tell her to get ready, she stops what she is doing, she goes off to the bathroom and she prepares  herself to be a 3-hole whore. She prepares herself like she is going out on a date, she makes up her face,  she voids her bowel and bladder, she crawls to the living room and she kneels on the floor to wait for me to use her. She understands that whatever I choose to do, she is prepared for. I have her complete  consent. This is based in trust. She knows me as a sensual sadist and a generous lover. She knows that I  love her and that I do not break my toys. She also knows that there is nothing wrong and so it is of no  concern to me or her if she reds out. With that knowledge she will literally do whatever I ask her to do in  order to please me, because she belongs to me and she is my service slut. The degrading things I do to  her, from a daily maintenance spanking to pissing in her ass or down her throat are just part of her  experience of deep arousal and they heat up our already hot scenes so that when we play, we  experience every sexual encounter with each other as a very intense encounter which is so very steamy  that we are left quite literally exhausted after we play.  

Humiliation and degradation are absorbed into our dynamic and they keep our sexual self-expression  hotter and more exciting than ever. And the key thing is that she is aroused by being used when I use  her in a degrading way or when I say the humiliating things I say to her, she is deeply aroused. For  example, imagine how she must be feeling to have the overwhelming urge to masturbate and slap her  clit hard while I am pissing in her ass at the end of a scene. She does this volitionally and organically and  not because I gave her an instruction to do so. It is her self-expression as she explores her experience of  intense arousal during a degrading act.  

I could write this article about any aspect of our TPE. Remember, it always boils down to consent. Every  kink you engage in as a Dom with an s-type MUST start with consent.  

With consent, anything goes. Even humiliation and degradation.  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and  personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching  out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on  all podcast platforms

The Joy Of Anal

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We just completed a month of kinky fun. “Anal April” was our challenge to only have anal sex for a  month. In truth, it was a bit more than that. My slut was actually in “pussy chastity”. Not an actual  chastity device mind you, but an imposed mental chastity. As my obedient slut, she would adhere to “no  touching except to clean yourself” for the month of April. At first, we agreed on the idea as a dare. I  dared her and she said, “bring it on”. Now, to give you context, you must understand that as kinksters,  we have a sex forward and kink forward dynamic and we have kinky sexual scenes just about every day.  So, my slut has the experience of being my daily and well-used “3-hole whore”. She is accustomed to  being used hard every day where she experiences multiple vaginal and anal orgasms.  

When I first met my now collared slut, she told me that she was not fond of anal sex. She had good  reason. She shared that during her marriage, her ex-husband has abused her ass. He had done things  like forcefully using oversized dildos on her without lube – a real no-no – resulting in dangerous anal  tearing that left her in pain and legitimately weary of repeating the error. She was left feeling that in the  world of anal sex, it was “better to give than receive”.  

Before she put herself forward to be claimed by me, I had made it clear to her that intention was for her  to be my personal “3-hole slut”, and I also shared that because “I don’t break my toys”, I would take my  time to train her to be used as an ass-whore so that she would want me to fuck her ass (I wrote about  training here once before.) Knowing this, with eyes wide open, she made the choice to submit and to  kneel for me with a view to living in a 24/7 dynamic in a Total Power Exchange (TPE) as my 3-hole slut.  

After she was claimed, her anal training began in earnest. Training her to be a daily use ass whore  required that she be fully enrolled. To help achieve this, I shared with her that what I was committed to  was that in the end, she would authentically love anal sex and enjoy it as a normal part of our sexual  dynamic. She is an amazing and committed slut and she understood that in our 24/7 TPE, her  responsibility was to serve, so with those thoughts in mind, she registered into be trained as my ass  whore. Remember kinksters, in kink, consent is everything. She was being trained to have her ass lit up  with a flogger and fucked to completion.  

She first learned to prepare herself for anal by defecating before sex and using an enema to clean  herself further. Because I desire my slut to be my ass-to-mouth whore, she needed to be sure she was  thoroughly cleaned. She would complete the pre-anal sex prep by squirting a dollop of lube into her ass  so she could confidently approach anal sex knowing that she was clean and lubed and that there would  be no “visitors”. A note here that “dirty” anal sex is potentially dangerous as well as messy, and since  neither she nor I are into scat, we prefer not to engage in “dirty anal”. Also, I like to eat her ass, so I  want her clean too. So, with that in mind, thorough preparation before play is a must.  

Second, there is the issue of lubrication. It is important to remember that the anus makes no lube at all.  None. So, you must use lube in order to have safe and fun anal sex. Rectal tissue tearing is dangerous  and painful and gets in the way of regular anal sex. For this reason, there are three key words associated with anal sex that every kinkster must know. LUBE, LUBE, & LUBE! Both during training and since, I use  lot of lube every time we have anal sex, and I still make sure to never force my way into her ass. This is  the third principle of training her. I first surf her ass with my hard cock, then I put the head of my  swollen thick cock against her anus and allow her to take me in at her pace and with the force that she  generates. This allows her to control and manage the process of relaxing and getting used to my size (I  have a very thick cock, so this is necessary, and it is a good method to use no matter your girth).  Whenever we have anal sex, I use lots of lube, even more lube than one might think necessary. In anal,  there can never be too much lube. Let me say that again. Use as much lube as you can to make sure that  you are both having fun. There is nothing quite like fun anal sex. Its really, really hot!  

The 4th principle I applied while training her is that I require her to wear a butt plug every day, all day,  whenever she is out of the house. It is a way for her to keep me “close to her”, and it has the dual  benefit of training her ass to be accustomed to penetration. She is also required to send me a picture of  her plugged and marked ass every morning, which helps to codify our dynamic. As time passed, we  gradually increased the size of the butt plug to make sure that she was getting used to accepting bigger items in her ass.  

I also made it a habit to use her ass with every scene so that she was rewarded for preparing her ass for  me to use. On a gradient she began to experience anal pleasure and then anal orgasms when I fucked  her ass. It seems that the combination of my size along with the angles that we explore while engaging  in anal sex during our play causes me to hit her G-spot when I am fucking her ass, which results in anal  sex making her dripping wet and she even has squirting orgasms with ass sex.  

Eating her ass is the way she finally got related to her ass as a sexual organ. Keep in mind that the  thousands of nerve endings around the ass are related to the Pudendal Nerve, which is the same nerve  that innervates the clitoris and the penis. Interestingly and somewhat remarkably, she now actually  climaxes when I eat her ass. It’s a very different climax to a clitoral climax to be sure, but she definitely  climaxes with earth shattering orgasms with anilingus. Plus, it’s a scene that is hot as hell! I am on my  knees stroking my throbbing cock while she is cumming as I eat her red-hot ass. HOT!  

For going on 3 years now, she has had almost daily use as a 3-hole-whore. She is my ass-to-mouth slut  and she regularly gets her ass eaten, flogged and fucked. Its perfection and its hot as hell.  

Imagine the scene where she has had her pussy fucked and eaten to multiple orgasms, where she has  had repeated uses of her mouth and ass, where I have eaten her ass which has been flogged bright red  and where the scene ultimately ends in a primal screaming simultaneous orgasm as I pump my seed into  her ass. Its that really hot, and its our scene every single day.  

Anal sex is a big part of our sexual self-expression. It is naughty and dirty and sexy and erotic and it is as  exotic as hell. We love it. 

Our scenes definitely take us to a place where we are deeply in our primal state. Limbic system  creatures. Having ass play create that experience for us has been a most unexpected outcome.  

To be fair, she does not have the only butthole in the room when we fuck. I have enjoyed her exploring  my ass as part of our play too. This occurs in two ways for us. The first is that I love when she eats my  ass. So, for her to be safe from acquiring a disease by doing this, I also prep before sex. I make sure to  defecate and to thoroughly clean myself with a washcloth before we play. When her tongue is on or in  my ass and she is pulling hard on my balls and stroking my cock, there is so much sensory input that I am  a literally quivering mess. She can easily bring me to orgasm this way. The other way she uses my ass is  to massage my prostate when my cock is down her throat. Again, she uses lube, and she keeps a  particular nail trimmed. She could use a finger condom if she wished, but the truth is that the amount of  finger she inserts to get onto my prostate is only and inch or so, so she is unlikely to get feces on her  finger even if I had not voided. As she massages my prostate, she describes it as if she is “feeling like a  walnut that is a bit squishy”, and when she brings me to climax this way, the stimulus makes me cum so  hard and with such volume that I tend to drown her in cum.  

The third way we could play, is for her to peg me. Put on a strap-on and fuck my ass. It’s not something  we have done yet, and being pegged does not make a person gay as everyone knows, but for us, it’s an  item on the menu for another day. When the time comes, I will do the same sort of things she does to  prepare to make sure I don’t suffer an injury and tear my rectal tissue in a dangerous way. And she will  

use the same sort of strategies I used to get her ready for anal to get me ready for anal. And she will use  lube. LOTS of lube.  

There are those folks in the gay community especially, but not exclusively, who are into size play. The  idea that you can really stretch the rectum and insert bigger and bigger items into the ass, from dildos to  fists is the point of the play. To my way of thinking, this way of playing is an extremely dangerous  behavior and great care is needed to ensure that one does not tear the tissue or cause permanent  damage. Rectal fissures can indeed be deadly. Engaging in anal size-play, one needs to be thoughtful and  careful to safely enjoy putting huge items in your partner’s ass.  

Back to Anal April. We got a lot out of our month of anal-only sex. And I learned a lot about my slut and  myself. It became clear to me how much of a masochist she is, now much of an ass whore she is, how  loving she is, how horny she is, and how committed to me she is. You can read about the experience in  my fetlife account where I kept a daily diary of the experience. Suffice it to say that what I got out of the  experience most of all is the awareness that I am even more of an anal whore than she is. I am addicted  to her ass and to have her use my ass. One of the best parts of Anal April was that the sex that followed  in May, our after Anal April sex, is truly mind blowing because as we incorporated using her pussy into  our scene, she had the experience of being fully present to a whole new context for her ass as a sexual organ.  

For this reason, putting all other reasons aside, I encourage you to explore anal sex based on this one  idea alone. As a man, your sex organs are your cock, your balls and your ass/prostate. As a woman you have your pussy (including your clit and G-spot), your tits and your ass. For both men and women, your ass represents one third of your sex organs. A third!  

Are you really prepared to surrender one third of your sexual satisfaction to morality?  Happy anal.  

P.S. Use lube. LOTS of lube. 

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching  options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms 

Kink and Ethical Non-Monogamy

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We have interviewed many polyamorous kinky individuals. We recently interviewed a kinkster who  shared her story with us about how she and her husband discovered that they are not sexually aligned.  Let’s call her “L” She is kinky and he just isn’t. They tried to incorporate kink into their lifestyle and while  she discovered that her sexuality is wrapped up in kink, he discovered that his is not. So how they dealt  with it, because they are life partners, was to venture into the world of polyamory, (what I like to call  “ethical non-monogamy”). They went poly.  

Polyamory means many (from English) loves (from the Latin “amore”). Polyamory, the word, is in much  more use in modern times, beginning in about 1988 and being much more prevalent and in use today.  The notion of many loves led to the more accurate descriptor, that being “Ethical Non-Monogamy”. The  ethics in play implies that there is agreement between the parties to have multiple partners. Not all non monogamy involves loving relationships, whereas polyamory implies that there are indeed multiple  loving relationships. In this case, our protagonist, L, and her husband B are in a polyamorous  relationship. L’s lover does not have a relationship with B and B’s lover does not have a relationship  (beyond friendship) with L. In polyamory, the partner’s partners are called “metamours.”  

L searched for and found a Dom with whom she developed a long-distance relationship, they met and  agreed to a D/s dynamic. She calls her Dom her “Sir”. She and he engage with daily communication,  tasks, etc, in an attempt to “normalize” the physical distance between them, while at the same time, her  husband, “B”, has found a local girlfriend and so they are now happily in this poly dynamic where she  gets her kink fix when she can, and he gets to explore his vanilla relationship with his girlfriend when he  can. It’s a very elegant solution. They love each other and they set out to create workability in their  relationship by creating an ethical non-monogamous solution, and they are both happier as a result.  

So, lets talk about this elegant solution to their relationship dynamic and all the ways it could have gone pear-shaped.  

First, when a couple discovers that they are not sexually compatible, its often the end of the  relationship. This couple did the adult thing. They talked. If polyamory is about anything, its about  communication. She had longings for kink and B did not, so he encouraged her to seek out a Dom and  she began that process online. They talked about what she discovered and what was pulling her toward  the kink dynamic and being confident in her love for him, he was able to say that he would be ok with  her scratching that kink itch with another man. Eventually, the time came for her to meet her Dom in  person. She realized that she had formed an emotional connection with him and she wanted to  experience herself as a sexual submissive. She craved it. They agreed to meet for a weekend in a central  location being that they live in different states.  

This is the point that most relationships that are attempting to open up simply fail. Most men cannot  stand the idea of their mate being sexually satisfied by another man. It has the potential of being very  emasculating. And yet, they agreed that she should indeed meet her Dom to see if this idea of  polyamory was or could be workable. It took a lot of courage on both of their parts to take this decision.  But their relationship was solid and the stepped into the wilderness. At this point, in the world of ethical  non-monogamy, what you have here is a 3-person conversation where there is agreement all around as  to what is important. The Dom was not willing to meet unless the marriage itself was stable and secure.  The marriage being stable and secure allowed the couple to have confidence in and certainty about their relationship as L went off to experience her first kink experience with this new Dom. They met for dinner  first and got to know each other in person beyond their phone calls, skype and chats. Only then did they  agree to play (in kink, scenes are called “play”) that she would submit to being used by him. They had  their first scene, and then she went back to her husband to debrief.  

This began a process of self-assessment for both him and her, and as L became more emotionally  involved with her Sir, talking on the phone every day, being tasked by him and so on, B began to feel  space developing, and by coincidence, he met a local woman with whom he had much in common and  with L’s agreement, B started to date his new gal, let’s call her “J”.  

So now you have a 4-way conversation that looks like this Sir-L- B – J. The secret to this polycule is that B  and L are in good communication, have a great relationship, and love each other as life partners. B and J  have a loving relationship that is going on 2 years now and Sir and L have a loving relationship that while  being long distance, allows Sir and L to explore kink to each of their personal satisfactions.  

The key to this dynamic is that L and B are deeply connected, in communication, and love each other as  life partners. This allows both B and L to explore sexuality and relationship outside of their committed  marriage in a true polyamorous manner that lives up to the idea of ethical non-monogamy.  

The secret to polyamory is communication. In a world where there is space between the couple,  polyamory is a path to relationship destruction. It’s only where there is no space and the couple speaks  openly and honestly about what they want and what’s missing that allows them to even discuss opening  their marriage and put polyamory on the table.  

Consider that there can be poly dynamics that do not involve sex. There are kink relationships that do  not involve sex either. In fact, among asexuals, polyamory is often the relationship model of choice with  many of the same challenges that sexual relationships have, especially where there is a partner who  wishes to have a sexual relationship. Polyamory is a natural and quite popular solution. In non-sexual  relationships, non-monogamy requires communication to the same extent as in sexual relationships.  

Where non-monogamy and kink intersect often is that there are multiple opportunities in play spaces  (pre-covid and soon to be post covid) where in a dungeon, a couple might invite an expert to play with a  partner. For example, sounding him while his partner watches. These are ethical non-monogamy  interludes that do not rise to the level of polyamory.  

All non-monogamy requires that precautions be taken to avoid transmission of STD’s when sex is  involved. Fluid bonding is a thing that really should be agreed to by all the parties. There should also be  a regular testing paradigm so everyone involved can be confident that they are not engaging in  excessively risky behavior. This is especially true in non-poly open relationships where sex is the point.  Swinging for example. Swinging is naturally an ethical-nonmonogamy construct and like much of  consensual play in kink, swinging can be risky and safety agreements should govern fluid bonding. This  goes for sharing of toys for instance and using clean condoms before sharing toys with a non-fluid  bonded partner.  

Kink and non-monogamy go together often. Ethical non-monogamy means that there are agreements in  place and that the ethics of non-monogamy are governed by those agreements. Can a couple exist  where one member of the couple is kinky and one is not? Absolutely. Can a couple exist where one  member of the couple wants to do things that are “hard limits” for her partner? Absolutely. Can a couple exist where one member is asexual and the other deeply kinky? Absolutely. All of these scenarios  can and do exist and they exist inside of agreements which in turn requires communication. It comes  down to this. If you do not ask for what you want, you will never know if your partner would agree. He  might, and if he does not, at least you are in communication and there is a chance you can negotiate to  an agreement. Kinksters are used to negotiation. That is the essence of the D/s dynamic. Having an  ethical non-monogamous relationship is a natural outcome of a conversation where you ask your  partner to do things to you that they are not comfortable with.  

As long as there is trust and love is present, anything is possible.  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and  personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching  out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms

What Is It About Impact Play?

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With her ass lit up red from well over 300 strokes with a heavy flogger, her cum dripping down her legs,  her mind floating in a hypnotic sub-space fog, she moans as my cock fills her ass.  

“Mark me Daddy” she coos.  

The cane stroke startles her for a moment, before she moans with pleasure as my cock again fills her ass  and my cool skin presses against her red-hot cheeks…she is cuming hard as she asks again to be marked  “mark me Daddy.” In our scenes, she is marked and then ass fucked until she asks to be marked again.  The cycle repeats until she stops asking or until I am so aroused that I cum. This week she welcomed 10  strokes of the heavy cane. She is a proudly marked collared slut.  

Impact play is ultimately a form of energy play. Kinetic energy that the implement delivers to the  bottom, who in impact play is referred to as the catcher, from the person wielding the whip, the  thrower, varies based on the skill and the amount of energy used to throw the whip. What occurs in the  receiver’s body with the impact is an interesting neurophysiological and psychological/emotional  phenomenon. What makes a masochist a masochist is the association of pain with pleasure. And at the  same time, there are people who do not identify as masochists who enjoy impact play. With that in  mind, consider that the first time a flogger/whip lands on the skin, the pain receptors, technically called  nociceptive mechanoreceptors, are stimulated to fire. They send their message of pain up to the brain  using a slowly transmitting message pathway of unmyelinated nerves. Think of it as if the pain message  is on a slow train to the cerebral cortex delivered by a chemical process of neurotransmission. If you  have ever bumped your shin hard, you know exactly what I am referring to. The message of pain gets to  the brain eventually, and with repeated strokes of the flogger, that pathway is chemically depleted. At  the same time, there is another process occurring that creates a chemical irritant to the nociceptors.  This time at the level of the capillaries. In the case of an unseasoned bottom, the capillaries fail and leak.  The blood that leaks will lead to bruising around the area. Deep bruising on a fresh bottom will spread as  the blood drains with gravity. In a seasoned bottom, this redness is transient, and reflects a slightly  different process which I will come back to. Local bleeding produces lysosomal enzymes in the  interstitial spaces, which create chemical pain as those lysosomes irritate the nociceptors. When you  press on a bruise, it hurts because those lysosomal enzymes are out in the interstitial tissues rather than  encapsulated in in the lysosomes in the blood vessels where they belong. In the seasoned bottom, the  local redness is in part due to the normal cooling mechanism of the body. Local heat causes redness as  blood comes to the surface so that cooling can occur, and heat can dissipate. The main advantage of  “warming up the bottom” is that the fluid filled tissue is very tolerant of impact play. With my slut, we  play almost every day and her ass gets very red, but a short time after we play her skin color has  returned to normal. There are no lasting effects of the impact play on the local tissue.  

Just a short note on pain interpretation. As best we can tell, pain is an emotion. We experience the  emotion the way we do based on many things from our upbringing to our nature. My mom was  incredibly stoic. She barely flinched when she cut her and badly and had to have stitches without  anesthetic. I have had a dental filling replaced without an anesthetic by just using visualization to  manage the pain of dental work. The point is that we all interpret pain differently.  

As a flogging scene begins, I gradually build up the intensity of the impact and the ass literally warms up.  The combination of repeated blows of a gradually increasing intensity brings enough blood to the area to allow the blows to land on tissue that does not deform sufficiently to fire off the deep pain receptors  and the sensation of impact play is normalized recruiting the normal sensory pathway, which is  delivered via high-speed electro-chemically transmitting myelinated nerves. Think of this as the fast  train. Imagine that the two pathways get to a station, and at the station, there is a gating mechanism  which gives priority to the rapidly conducting nerves, so the pain transmission is overwhelmed by this  new input and the sensation experience of the catcher changes to a sensation that is interpreted as  pleasurable, or at least, as a more normal sensation.  

Its that shift that moves the experience from one of punishment to one of pleasure. The impact imparts  kinetic energy that the catcher internalizes as erotic, sexual and arousing. This occurs because in the  cerebral cortex, the pain input is received, and because pain is an emotion, like happiness or sadness,  how it is received is up to the interpretation of the catcher. It is in this state of being in a hypnotic trans  that the catcher interprets the impacts as pleasurable, erotic or sexually arousing.  

The implement I choose to mark my slut with is the cane. I have a long history with the cane, both in  being caned as a child in school as well as an implement to enforce a discipline or impart a punishment. I  choose the cane as the implement I use to mark my slut as an act of love. She wears her marks with  pride, and she chooses to be marked on her terms. We have created a paradigm where she puts herself  forward for marking in our high protocol scenes and during the scene, I mark her when I am confident  that she is, in fact, prepared and ready to be marked. She occurs to me as ready for marking when it is  clear to me that she is experiencing a deeply hypnotic state or what we know as “subspace”, and that  her ass has been warmed up with hundreds of strokes starting with light and progressing to heavy, and  after I have flogged her on two or three separate occasions building up to the intensity each time  leading up to the marking. Once she is warmed up to my satisfaction, I alert her than marking is next so  she can prepare herself, then I give her one firm cane stroke with the heavy cane. I choose the heavy  cane because she is a seasoned bottom and in order to mark her, I need to make sure she develops a  deep bruise. What follows for us is that it’s up to her to request that she be marked again. Giving her  this choice has opened a new avenue for her to explore her masochism and her capacity to expand her  enjoyment of our impact play. There is a lot of power in her choosing to be marked. She is empowered  to test herself and she is immensely proud of her marks. To illustrate this, note that in the past, she only  tolerated up to 3 or 4 strokes before she limited out, with this new paradigm she is now requesting up  to 10 strokes and talking about asking for more. I have one more thing to say about the marking. The  intensity of the cane strokes pulls her out of her hypnotic trance for sure, so we have created a way to  manage the marking process, and then after the marking process if complete, I incorporate all the tricks  I have to create sexual pleasure for her so that she is able to return to her trance state. Marking for us is  not an act of punishment or discipline. Its part of our dynamic and its part of our agreement to live a  Total Power Exchange. In our dynamic, she belongs to me and I mark my belongings. With that said, I  have postulated that because she experiences orgasms with flogging, that before long, and especially as  her cane strokes grow in number, she will also experience orgasm with cane strokes.  

What is interesting about impact play is that there are all sorts of implements to enjoy experimenting  with. I have had the experience of topping a dedicated and long experienced masochist who was fulfilled  by suffering. She was more interested in being hurt than she was in having an orgasm. There is nothing  wrong with that, and that is not where we are in our current dynamic. As a sensual sadist, my interest is  in using implements that allow my slut to explore her sexuality, and her masochism as her full self expression. She is a sensual masochist. Not looking to experience pain for the purpose of suffering, but rather looking for pain that arouses her in the context of an impact scene. We have discovered that she  is partial to the heavy flogger. It brings out her inner slut and she has enjoyed the experience of as many  as 1200 vigorous continuous strokes with the heavy flogger. She is not, as it turns out, partial to the  riding crop, or the paddle or the wooden paddle which seems to be distracting for her. She finds a  rhythmic flogging to be what she desires to keep her in subspace and in full arousal. She finds that the  experience of intermittent strokes or strokes that surprise her tend to “break the spell” as it were. That’s  not her jam. She wants predictable impact play that allows her to explore the depths of her masochism  and her journey in subspace and rhythms that maintain the hypnotic and erotic state of mind seem  more suited to her sexual inquiry.  

Thinking about floggers, there is a continuum from light floggers to heavy, to cat-of-nine tails, to snake  whips to single tails to bullwhips.  

The natural progression is that in the case of throwing and catching whips, there is a progression that  requires skills. Luckily, the skills build from implement to implement. Also, there is a difference between  punishment and sexuality. In this writing, I am speaking about sensual sadism while using whips and  floggers for hypnotic impact play. This is the way we use the flogger. The impact play scenes we engage  in are erotic and hypnotic by nature. This means that there is loud music and the rhythmic strokes that  build up from lighter to heavier are predictable to her and timed with the music. Because I can increase  the intensity on a gradient without changing rhythm or by suddenly changing the intensity too  dramatically, I can keep her in that hypnotic trance state for a long time. The below threshold intensity  of the rhythmic flogging that we engage in helps to both create a hypnotic trance, and to sustain the  experience such that I can increase and decrease the intensity of the flogging so she can ride waves of  pleasure during our play. The only unpredictable variable in our use of the flogger then is the duration of  the flogging. What I never do is “shock” her with an unreasonably heavy strike so she comes out of the  hypnotic trance she is experiencing.  

The choice to move from flogger to cat-of-nine requires the learning of a skillset to keep all nine fronds  of the whip on target. This is amplified in difficulty by orders of magnitude with each successive whip as  the number of fronds goes down, and the length of the whip increases, requiring one to use more force  to get the whip on target with each transition from one whip to the next. By the time you get to single  tails, you are dealing with a whip that can move at subsonic speeds imparting a massive amount of  kinetic energy to the catcher with each stroke. There is no advantage to whip a catcher at super sonic  speeds, that is to say, to crack the whip on the person, and even a sub-sonic whipping, where you crack  the whip just before it impacts the catcher, imparts a significant amount of kinetic energy to the catcher,  who’s skin will likely break unless they are very experienced at catching high intensity whips.  

The definitive work on whips is “Whips in the Dungeon: Singletail Technique” by Dex who also has an  extensive video library and who regularly hosts educational sessions on whip play on Amazon. Dex  maintains a Patreon for a lot of his very worthwhile content too. You can find that here:  https://www.patreon.com/witd. And you can access his Whips in the Dungeon video library that  accompanies the text here http://witd.houseofgraves.com/witd/. If you want to learn to be a proficient  whip thrower, I strongly recommend the Dex method that progresses you from one whip to the next  most difficult whip on the way to the single tail. Dex has a couple of Youtube channels and a facebook  page that you can follow him on. All of those links are available on his fetlife page. Just search for Dex. 

There are two participants in our impact play scenes. The thrower (me) and the catcher (her). In our  scenes, we use impact play as in integral part of our sexual encounters. I use chain bondage, and her  obedience to create a deep dive into hypnotic subspace, and along with hypnotic erotic flogging, take  her to that place where her sexual self-expression occurs in her submission and her unconstrained  exploration of herself as a masochist. It has been there, in that experience of subspace, that our sexual  encounters take on the form of an energetic exchange where we find ourselves occurring not as two  people, but as a single sexual creature. This experience is brought about after a long bout of rhythmic  flogging that pushes her deeper into that frame of mind. The deeper she goes, the harder I can flog her.  The harder I flog her the more she cums, the firmer her butt gets and the more she tolerates cane strokes.  

I have had vastly different experiences with impact play over the years. I have used impact play as a tool  of discipline where submissives who seek guidance choose escalating sessions of corporal punishment to  keep them accountable. In those instances, there is not a long warm-up and the submissive is told to  simple bend over and pull her panties down before being caned. I have also, as I mentioned, been  served by a submissive who needed to suffer in order to be fulfilled sexually. She wanted to be surprised  by intense punishment scenes with unpredictable impacts that shocked and surprised her for example.  

Impact play is something that you can do with or without association with sexual intimacy. People who  are dominants might themselves also enjoy impact play as catchers in addition to being throwers. The  main thing it to remember is that consent is everything and the negotiation that allows the impact scene  to progress should include agreements around safe words.  

In our dynamic, we use Red and Yellow. Others use a number scale, and so on. The number scale is way  for people who do not know each other well to be in communication during a scene. The thrower might  feel that they are using a force that occurs to them as a 7/10 while the catcher might only be  experiencing the impact as a 3/10. The number scale can help them get aligned in their interpretation of  the intensity. The key to a successful scene is that the thrower and the catcher MUST be in  communication, and there must be trust so that the catcher knows that the thrower will honor their  safe words.  

Play safe!  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms

Sexualizing Your Dynamic

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From the time I was sexually active I was always surprised when I dated a girl who was as sexually active  and as horny as I was. I was raised in a home with a prude for a mother, and sex was never, ever  discussed. It was not as if sex was made to be bad or dirty, it just was never ever discussed. So, I grew  up very horny but not really aware of or clear about how girls saw, thought about or experienced sex.  My high school experience was mostly mashing with girls at parties. It was here that I had my first kiss  and felt up the breasts of one or two girls, and it wasn’t until I had almost graduated high school that I  had my first actual sexual encounters, close to 18 years of age. My early sex life was more of a hormone  driven desperate desire to ejaculate, than an exploration of sexuality. That only happened later.  

In college I got lots of pussy, and for the most part it was a continuation of my adolescence expressed as  20-year-old rookie vanilla sex. I had one secret weapon though. My older sister, who was nine years  older than me, once shared with me when I was perhaps 9 or 10 years old, that I “should always please  my lover before I please myself.” I didn’t really understand what she was on about, but even so, I took  that to heart and by and large, over time, I became adept at eating pussy and withholding my orgasm till  my lover climaxed. Then, in college, I dated my first serious girlfriend, Maryellen. She was a 25. I was 19.  She was very sexy and very sexual more than that, she was the first girl I dated that unabashedly  worshiped my cock. She loved sucking my cock, she took pictures of my erection on the beach, and she  really made me feel a little uncomfortable about how much she was into my cock. At the time, I was a  bit embarrassed about her obsession if I am honest. Looking back though, I can see how things might  have gone differently if I was more aware of my sexual power which only emerged for me later in life. I  went from girlfriend to girlfriend in college, until I eventually at 23, I dated, lived with and then married  my wife at age 26, and for those 3 years and the next 3 years our sex life was about the same as before –  uninspired vanilla sex. You might say that as regards my sex life, I had an almost certain predictable  future. Then at age 29 we started having kids and my sex life came to a sputtering halt. The future I was  living into changed entirely from boring and intermittent, to barely active at all as regards my sex life.  What this meant for me was that for about 20 years, I spent my nights lying in bed next to an otherwise  sexy blonde who was nursing and mothering her 4 kids, and who had no real interest in sex at all. I was  left to fantasize to porn magazines and movies I rented from Blue video, while I masturbated, imagining  a kinky submissive who loved sex as much as I did as my forever partner. It was the old Woody Allen  joke “the problem with my sex life is that it only involved one consenting adult.” I joke about it now, but  it really was painful. I suffered the loneliness that accidental celibacy produced for me. My “love  language” is “physical contact and genital sex.” Hers was “service”. We were as sexually compatible as  chalk and cheese are alike. Out of desperation, I found women from time to time to engage with  sexually, and through this process, I more or less interacted with my fantasy women “Submissive sluts  who worshiped my cock” by doing so. What made this difficult was that the women I encountered were  deeply sexual and so unlike my wife that I was ready to leave her time and time again. This was an  unsustainable condition. Naturally, my wife and I ended up getting divorced.  

After we separated, I set about deeply exploring my sexuality. And I found myself dating ever more kinky  women and I got to take a deep dive into my kinky fetishes. I found that I was into BDSM and I identified  naturally as a Top or Dom. I also found an outlet for me my sadistic nature in the world of sexuality. I  was genuinely surprised at the number of women I encountered who willingly and happily gave me their  consent. It was truly mind-blowing. 

I spent the next few years contemplating the women I was with, and what occurred for me was this. I  was searching for the “perfect partner” for me. I conjured up out of nothing the idea that I lived with a  collared submissive slut in 24/7 total power exchange. I created the possibility in my mind that such a partnership would result in a deeply loving and committed dynamic where we were sex forward and  kink forward and that she would choose me to be her Master gifting herself to me ongoingly, and that  inside of that dynamic, the intimacy that I had been missing my whole life would naturally occur.  

My intention was to collar my submissive slut and to live with her while as her full self-expression as a  completely sexualized 3-hole slut. What I mean by this is that without any effort, she authentically sees  herself as my imminently desirable, always available sexual creature who orgasms during impact play,  and has earth shattering, powerful orgasms, especially during anal play. I require her complete discipline  and devotion as a sexual creature and partner. I can happily report that Living with Lady Petra has been  and continues to be the fulfillment of this intention.  

The process of sexualizing my slut requires ongoing training and committed effort on my part to achieve  the desired outcome on a gradient. At the same time, my slut needs to be coachable, willing and  interested in being fully self-expressed in service to her Master as his owned and collared submissive  slut and masochist. In short, she belongs to me, and it is up to me to make sure that her service is  rewarded and encouraged. I am 100% responsible. At the same time, she is also 100% responsible for  creating the relationship on a daily basis. For example, she kneels for me in a perfect Nadu pose to  indicate that she is ready to be used. This is her choice.  

We had a conversation about sexualizing the dynamic on our podcast the Kinky Cocktail Hour – here is  an excerpt of that conversation:  

“SafferMaster:  

… that is what this podcast is about. Is this broader question of how do you sexualize a dynamic? And  this (wearing clit jewelry all day) is an example of how you sexualize a dynamic. What I mean by that is in  any relationship, sex can be something that happens between a couple regularly or intermittently and  life gets in the way in the middle. Right. And I can imagine certainly from my own experience, I imagine  from other people’s experience that oftentimes sex gets put to the side and in a dynamic where there’s  a power dynamic occurring of any sort or a D/s dynamic of any sort. The question is “how do you keep  the context of the dynamic sexual” and you, and I both believe in a healthy sexual context, we are in a  sex forward, kink forward dynamic, that was what we created, and in a healthy sexual dynamic, the  CONTEXT is sexual, it is not just the sex that is sexual.  

Lady Petra:  

Right, right. Oh, I mean, yes, there are all different things happening in a scene. However, I feel  throughout our scene-ing, it’s all sexualized. And I mean that because for me, if, if you’re flogging me,  I’m cumming.  

SafferMaster:  

Right. 

Lady Petra:  

And you’re usually stroking your cock and things like that. And when I’m caned, I’ve cum before and  then of course you in the way we do that as cane and then you fuck my ass, that kind of thing. And it  brings that context. So we just, we stay like really connected to that context all the time  

SafferMaster:  

In a scene.  

Lady Petra:  

Yes.  

SafferMaster:  

I’m arguing that there’s a broader context to our dynamic that’s sexualized.  

Lady Petra:  

Yeah. I agree. I agree with you.  

SafferMaster:  

And what I’m arguing is that there’s a way to keep the dynamic sexualized so that the sexual scenes are  [always] really exciting and hot and you don’t have … get up for them.  

Lady Petra:  

Well, I definitely think the way we foreplay.  

SafferMaster:  

yes, as an example,  

Lady Petra:  

All day long or two days ahead or whatever.  

SafferMaster:  

Yeah.  

Lady Petra:  

I think that’s a perfect example of creating, um, excitement and intensity and a readiness to in your head  versus not knowing what’s happening next. What there’s, this is one thing I noticed just based on the  dynamic we’ve created we’re sex forward. So we play all the time. 

SafferMaster:  

Yes.  

Lady Petra:  

You know, and, but we also have lives and work and stuff. So we tend to use the early part of our day to  wake up and to get going with our days. And there could be sexualization happening there, but that’s  kind of what’s happening. And then we save the latter part mid, mid to latter parts of our day as  sceneing.  

SafferMaster:  

Yeah.  

Lady Petra:  

You know, but in that whole day there’s sexualization. So if you think about it, you’re, you’re I get up  early before you, cause I need to go to the gym and I need to go do some stuff. And my work hours are a  lot earlier than yours. And so I get up and I do normal things, dynamic tasks, things, things that make me  responsible for myself wellbeing and for the households wellbeing, what have you. But then I send you a  picture of my marks,  

SafferMaster:  

Right  

Lady Petra:  

So that’s sexualizing, you know, you know what I’m saying? And lately we’ve added picture of my toes  and occasional add a picture of me kind of a fun, sexy type of picture with me right before we’ve even  been face-to-face in the morning.  

SafferMaster:  

Right.  

Lady Petra:  

And then, you know, of course we make time to be affectionate when we greet each other in the  morning, we don’t take that for granted that it just, who we are, you know? So we make sure to do that.  And then throughout the day, we’re both responsible for greetings and for acknowledgement in an  affectionate sexual way with one another,  

SafferMaster:  

right.  

Lady Petra: 

You also have given me tasks to do edging tasks or have explained when you go on your walk and I  prepare myself what you expect me to do to prepare,  

SafferMaster:  

right.  

Lady Petra:  

Uh, that may not be the normal thing we do. It would be additional stuff. Or if you have a specifics on  how you present yourself, you also then know there are times when you’re giving me freedom that you  don’t know what you’re going to come home to. You might come home to me appearing any way, any  which way, which is an excitement for you.  

SafferMaster:  

Sure.  

Lady Petra:  

You know, you going on your walk, knowing I’m getting prepared is sexualizing that time that you’re  away.  

SafferMaster:  

It’s very difficult to have a walk, try to listen to my book knowing that you are home getting prepared ..,  I’m going to get home to a horny slut, presenting herself to be used. It’s hot.  

Lady Petra:  

Yeah.”  

In this back and forth, you can see that my collared slut is all in. She is 100% committed to the dynamic.  She has been trained to present herself, she has been trained to cum with flogging and caning. She is a  trained ass whore. She does as instructed in order to please me sexually. For example, when she kneels  for her flogging, she arches her back and presents her ass and leans into the flogger. She may get 300 or 400 strokes and she is dripping wet with her juices running down her legs having experienced multiple  orgasms, and her ass is red hot after her flogging. Because I like fucking her red-hot ass, she likes having  her ass red hot for me to fuck. She is fully enrolled and registered into her role as my collared submissive  slut and all that that entails.  

Keeping the context sexualized had not only enhanced our relationship, but it has kept our dynamic healthy too. Take this text exchange last week  

Me: I think today would be a good day to wear your clit Jewelry  

LP: Thank you Sir 

Me: And while you are at it, use the Hitachi every 30 minutes on your swollen clit to make yourself cum 

LP: Yes Sir, thank you Sir  

She then sent me a message every 30 minutes to let me know she had completed the task she was  assigned. On occasion I went into the adjacent room to kiss her and fondle her breast while she  masturbated with the Hitachi. By the time I used her later that day , she was a “soupy mess” as she put it.  

Remember, I spent over 30 years in a relationship where there was no broader context to keep the  sexual aspect of our relationship present and alive, and now, I live in a D/s dynamic where the context is  fully sexualized all the time.  

She is a service slut, so part of what fills her cup is to serve. She is fastidious and committed to making  our home beautiful. She supports my cheffy nature by being my sous chef and by keeping the kitchen  clean. All of this “domestic activity” plays into her nature as a service sub and on top of that she is  deeply submissive to me and chooses me to submit to.  

My self-expression as her Dom includes a commitment to keeping the dynamic highly charged with  sexual energy. It is working out perfectly.  

When I look at how I spent the 30 years before I met her as compared to the time since I created this  dynamic with her, it is shocking to consider that this highly charged sexual dynamic was always within  my grasp, and at the same time, just out of reach the whole time. It was really the absence of a willing  partner to make it all come together.  

Today, my view is that sexualizing their dynamic is the most worthwhile step a couple can take to bring their dynamic fully into alignment.  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and  personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching  out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on  all podcast platforms

What’s Your Fetish?

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Fetish: Plural noun: fetishes  

1. a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular  object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc. “Victorian men developed fetishes focusing on  feet, shoes, and boots” 

2. an excessive and irrational devotion or commitment to a particular thing. “he had a fetish for  writing more opinions each year than any other justice”  

The origin is first Latin (facticius), then Portuguese (Feitico – meaning charm or sorcery), then French  (fétiche) then English (factitious) and then finally between French and English in the 17th century –  Fetish.  

The early 17th century use from its original use originally denoting an object used by the peoples of West  Africa as an amulet or charm from the French fétiche and from the Portuguese feitico meaning ‘charm  or sorcery’ – originally an adjective meaning ‘made by art’, from the Latin factiitius.  

If you look at the use of the word ‘fetish’ over time, you can see how it has increased in use over the last  30 or so years that coincidently tracks the internet.  

This implies that the use of search technology has allowed people to investigate their own peculiar interests.  

“FETISHES” is a menu item on Fetlife and they also have a scale of the “most popular” fetishes as rated  by the number of users of the site who have noted their partular preference for the noted fetishes.  

The top 20 fetishes as rated by the users of Fetlife (as of 2/22/2021) are in order:  

1. Oral Sex  

2. Bondage  

3. Spanking  

4. Anal Sex  

5. Hair Puling  

6. Blindfolds  

7. Talking Dirty  

8. Biting  

9. Lingerie  

10. Toys  

11. Handcuffs  

12. Ass Play 

13. Discipline  

14. Breast/Nipple Play  

15. Collar and Lead/Leash  

16. Sex in Public  

17. Musutal Masturbation  

18. Role Play  

19. Masturbation  

20. Candle Wax  

The top 20 are mostly all related to sexual interaction, but as you go down the list, fetishes include  relationship dynamics such as number 21. Master/Slave or objects such as number 31. High Heels.  

Fetishes can be common vanilla expresions suchas number 33. Kissing, or unrelated to particpatory sex  at all such as number 25. Erotic Photography.  

Fetishes can involve aspects of play that are specific such as number 30. Face Fucking or be more broad  in their application such as number 24. Rough Sex.  

Even on Fetlife (fetish is in the title) they identify only the top 100 fetishes by particpation of their users.  It is not an exhaustive list and I am sure if they were to publish every fetish identified by a user, their list  might be into the several hundreds.  

The fact is that something is a fetish if you are sexually obsessed about it. Or as noted a the beginning  something or an object to which your gratification is linked “…to an abnormal degree.”  

If you get aroused by it, it’s a fetich. If you like to have it done to you in a sexual scene, it’s a fetish. If you  like to do it to your partner in a sexual scene, it’s a fetish. If it makes you aroused, it’s a fetish.  

If you happen to review the list, and you don’t see your particular sexual gratification item on the list, it’s still a fetish.  

There is not a “right way to fetish” and a “wrong way to fetish.” Its personal. If you like it that your  partner licks ash off the floor, for example, it’s a fetish (I met a girl once who had a “licking dirty things”  fetish, so it’s not even something that I made up!)  

On our podcast, the Kinky Cocktail Hour we have interviewed a couple of different people who have novel ways to explore the world of kink. In this conversation with the “Kinky Intorverts”  (https://www.buzzsprout.com/962578/4023662), they describe how they made a deck of playing cards with different kinks, and how they use those cards to create a scene and how they negotiate who would be Top and who Bottom and then they explore the kink. They went further. They invited us onto their  show to talk them through marking with a cane. Then they workshopped it, then they played together using a cane and then they reported back on it. They use this process to explore and play with different  fetishes to see if they like them or not. It’s actually brilliant.  

Another conversation we had was with the developers of the KinkQuest  (https://www.buzzsprout.com/962578/5493526) where they described an online game where a kinkster  can learn, experience, and discover more about different fetishes. 

If you are a curious person and you are not sure what’s missing from your sex life, strategies such as those described above could be an excellent way to explore you own fetishes. Being fully self-expressed as a kinkster is one of the most enjoyable ways to engage in adult recreation.  

It’s not uncommon that individual fetishes are sourced in childhood. This sort of thinking is promoted in  movies like Blue Velvet and on TV shows like the Sopranos. It was true for me too. My kink of caning  girls and women is directly sourced to me growing up in a school system where classroom corporal  punishment was practiced. In my particular case, the girl I had little bit of a crush on got caned in front  of the room, then sat on my foot and had an orgasm. Of course not, I use a cane to mark Lady Petra  weekly and it’s a deeply meaningful part of our scene where we reconnect each week.  

Can a person have more than one fetish? Well yes of course. Anything can be a fetish and you can have  as many as you can think of. All that is required is for you to have a “…sexual desire in which gratification  is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc” and you have a fetish.  

We are often asked if fetishes are healthy. The initial answer is “yes”, and it is worth noting that it is  quite possible to have fetishes that are risky, such as self-asphyxiation. I am sure you have read about  people inadvertently hanging themselves in their closet while they masturbate. If you are going to have  a fetish like self-asphyxiation, make sure that you have a fail-safe release or that you have another  person nearby. Some people enjoy self-bondage, and they create elaborate schemes to make escape  hard, but possible, in a pinch. They may do things like freeze the key in an ice cube, for instance, in order  to make their escape hard but inevitable. It goes without saying that if your kink involves another  person, that they unqualified consent is required. Especially in such kinks as impact play or rope  bondage. Never step over consent.  

It is also noted that in many states, several fetishes that fall into the category that is legally known as  ‘sodomy’, including oral sex in some stats, are still illegal. If you live in Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Louisiana,  Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, North Carolina, Oklahoma and South  Carolina, your fetish my still be against the law. For this reason, you should make sure that you and your  partner are aware of the law.  

It’s always best to check with your partner if your fetish crosses line for them. If they have a hard limit,  then you are not free to express yourself in this fashion, not matter how much it arouses you. If they say  that it’s a ‘soft limit”, that means that there are circumstances where they may engage in that fetish,  and you will need their expressed consent to engage in that fetish.  

I am fortunate to have a very kinky sex forward and kink forward relationship with Lady Petra where we  are almost 100% aligned in our kinks and our fetishes. The result is that sexual encounters take us to  places where time stands still, and the experience is outside of language. Now even with that being said,  there are still things that she and I do not engage in. There are common fetishes that hold no magic for  us. There are hard limits and soft limits. And I can comfortably say that our real fetish is communication.  That works for us because it is out of being fully in communication about our sexuality that we  experience the bliss we do.  

Communication is the one fetish that I think ALL kinksters should explore. 

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching  out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms

D/s Protocols

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Being a kinkster is as unique as a random dot on a page. What do I mean by that? If you think of the world of kink as represented by a sheet of paper. On one axis you have the range of fetishes and on the  other axis you have the range of intensities. If I look at my world of kink, the fetishes I am into and you  look at the intensity level of my kink life, you will be able to put a coin about the size of a silver dollar  over my preferences somewhere on the page.  

Take protocols. In simple terms, a protocol is defined as “a system of rules that explain the correct  conduct and procedures to be followed in formal situations” I am not motivated to have my submissive  do tasks for the sake of doing tasks. And at the same time, our life, in a 24/7 TPE dynamic, we have a  number of protocols in our life. Some are simple, for example, when my submissive goes off to work,  she wears a butt plug as a way of keeping me with her, and she is required to send me a good morning  message with a picture of her ass, butt plug inserted. This is especially true for us after marking her, she  is required to send me pictures of her marks every day. That is a protocol. Something I have asked her to  do for me as a matter of routine. I never have to ask her to send me a picture of her marks, our protocol is  that she just does so after being marked as a matter of protocol. And she sends me a message via  WeMinder (which I will talk more about in a minute) that she completed her task or duty.  

There are other Dom’s who have similar but different protocols that they have designed for their  preferred lifestyle. I interviewed a Dom who has his sub wash him in the shower and then she kneels  with his towel presented to him as he steps out of the shower. It is a simple gesture of submission, and  similarly to my sub, his sub does so as a matter of protocol without being asked.  

Some dynamics are extremely high protocol. To the point that the sub has to have permission to do  anything, including go to the bathroom. The degree of how intense the protocol dynamics are depend  on the needs of the partners and they must determine what works for them.  

Even though my submissive is collared, and even though this is TPE and a 24/7 dynamic, we actually  have numerous protocols that we have chosen to live with. Before I say more about that, I want to talk  about an app called WeMinder. This is an app that we use to track the protocols we have in play. We  interviewed Mako, the developer of the app on our podcast, Kinky Cocktail Hour, that you can listen to here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/962578/episodes/6206590.

Using this app, my submissive logs her  tasks and chores as she completes them, and it allows me to offer her feedback from praise to scolding,  and even punishment. She can also share her mood with me at any time and know instantly that I am  aware of how she is feeling. It’s a fantastic app for D/s couples who are protocol oriented. You can get  the app by visiting weminder.app and I recommend it highly and it’s very reasonably priced.  

When we engage in what we call “High Protocol” days, my submissive prepares for use the way she  normally does, she is a three hole slut and she is fully prepared for a prolonged scene. When she kneels for me, which is how she presents herself to be used, she offers up a cane for marking. Normally she  offers me her leash to attach to her collar, but in high protocol days, she gets chained with a heavy chain  before she is used and marked. During high protocol days, she is limited to being on all fours during play  and she is required to ask for cane strokes after her initial marking.  

Her tasks and chores are both designed to fulfill on her role as a service slut on one hand and on her  sexual submission inside of a sex forward, kink forward dynamic. Our daily maintenance spanking scene is a protocol. When I get into bed in the evening, she puts her head on my chest and cups my balls while  we talk about our day and the final act of our dynamic that lives in the world of protocol is that when it’s  time, she rolls over and we spoon and I take hold her breast, holding her close as we fall asleep. My  point is that start to finish, our days are filled with protocols. We divide the protocols into two broad  categories: Tasks and Chores. Tasks are things I might randomly task her with doing and that might be as  different as having her masturbate with the Hitachi every 30 minutes, or to do certain routine things for  me such as sending me a picture of her marks. Chores related to her duties around the house.  

Protocols live in the world of agreements. On one hand they are designed to give structure to the  dynamic and on the other, they are a natural evolution of a power exchange. My preference is to have  the protocols occur because they fulfill her desires, so to implement a new protocol, we talk about it  first, and I enroll her in the possibility that the protocol creates and then she does what I have requested  but she does so because it is what she wants to do.  

There is a very wide range of protocol implementation strategies in kink. It can be a very minor part of  your dynamic if that is what you prefer, or it can be the entirety of your dynamic if that is what you  prefer. I am going to make the observation that even in vanilla relationships there are protocols. For  instance when I was married, my ex-wife used to bring me coffee on a Sunday morning while I watched  soccer in bed. I came to expect this and it occurred routinely for years. I never asked her to do this, she  just started doing this small thing for me that made our lives more manageable. The way that that small  act occurred was that it was a loving action that made me feel appreciated even for just that moment. It  was indeed a protocol that existed during my vanilla marriage. My point is that spoken or unspoken we  operate with protocols all around us, the difference is that in a kink context, communication is the key  difference. A protocol is an agreement to do x or y, which requires that the Dom and sub are in  communication.  

Being in a dynamic is a power exchange. The sub surrenders his or her power to their Dom and then it is  up to the Dom to exercise that power appropriately. The sub wants to please. It is through protocols  that the Dom communicates to the sub what is expected and required for that behavior to land as  “pleasing” to the Dom. The sub knows where they stand. They know what is needed and expected. If  they are committed to the dynamic, then they will fulfill the protocols. If there is space or distance  and the protocols start to break down, then it gives the Dom something to address to get at the root of the upset.  

I keep making this point: our kink is really communication. We talk about our dynamic almost every day.  We plan, revisit, debrief, dream, vision share, and so on. The reason our protocols are in place is  because we have made a series of agreements around our dynamic.  

A good place to start is to sit down facing each other and do this drill. One partner asks the other partner  what they want done to them and then asks what they want to do to you, and then switch roles. Take  notes and then use those notes to talk about each of those ideas and make agreements about those  that make sense to you to implement into your dynamic.  

A D/s power exchange works best for all concerned when the communication is clean. We have a  commitment to each other to allow no space between us. We are each responsible for keeping that  structure in our dynamic and we have found, as will you, that the use of protocols keeps the dynamic humming along.

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground 

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms

Introducing WeMinder – Kinky Cocktail Hour
In this episode, Lady Petra and SafferMaster chat with Mako, the developer of a new killer app for kinksters called “WeMinder” that enhances communication on both sides of the slash in any D/s dynamic. Over an Elderflower Martini. You can find the…
Buzzsprout

Above is a link to their podcast!

Training/Discipline vs Punishment

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My ideal relationship is a 24/7 TPE (Total Power Exchange) D/s Dynamic where I am fully in alignment  with my submissive masochist who has chosen to serve me because that is exactly what she wants. She  chooses me to kneel before as a new action each day. My orientation is to enroll her in what I am up to  and for her to see the possibility of the dynamic that allows her to choose me to gift her submission to  because she wants to serve me. Another way of saying this is that she does what I want her to do  because she wants to do it. 

In this context, training my submissive to please me is as simple as making simple tweaks or suggestions  to her behavior to guide her as she reaches for perfection in her service. It is high order for her to  achieve her goal of pleasing me ongoingly. 

Let me offer one example. It pleases me a great deal that she kneels for me to put herself forward to be  used. In so doing, she invites me to take her, and to use her as I see fit. She is offering herself by gifting  her body and mind to me. Her presentation is particular. Before we played for the very first time, we  talked for months in detail about our perfect dynamic ideas, and what it would take for it to succeed in  creating it, and we talked about how to begin our total power exchange. I invited her to give me her  consent by putting herself forward to be claimed. We also talked about how during her claiming  ceremony she would be marked inside with piss and outside with a cane. The time came to begin when  she ended her marriage, and a space was created to start something new. We talked in detail over  months during which time my desire crystalized, and I shared with her my particular preference to have  her present herself in the Nadu pose. 

The first time she offered herself to me was the day she put herself forward to be claimed. Because it  was the first time, when she knelt for me, I noticed a few ways that she could improve her posture to  please me and recognized an opportunity to coach her. I gently corrected and adjusted her posture to assume the perfect Nadu pose. Knees apart, back straight, head lowered, hands resting in a relaxed  position, palms up, on her thighs. Perfect to my eye. Only one time since then, more than two years ago,  was I promoted to make a correction. I gently turned her hands over to perfect her pose. Now when she  kneels for me, and she offers herself to be used every single day, she assumes the pose perfectly and  she pleases me. With this simple action, she creates me.  

Part of her training includes taking on a new context for her life as she moved from an abusive marriage  where her context was one of survival, to our dynamic where she was being trained to live with freedom  and power and full self-expression. Naturally, that is a big lift in the best of circumstances.  

On occasion, because we live together in our 24/7 TPE dynamic, she would let her mind run away with  her as she reverted to the ordinary way of being. Because she was in an abusive marriage before we  met, something would come up between us, some issue or other that she would make meaning about.  This would inevitably create an upset or space between us. This is something we had agreed not to  allow. At the same time, I observed that this sort of upset tended to occur predictably when we had not  engaged in impact play for more than a few days. I thought about it, and it occurred to me that she  experienced total clarity for days after we engaged in intense impact play, and I made the determination that what she really needed was my daily attention as her Dom. I implemented a daily “maintenance  spanking” protocol which she agreed to, reluctantly at first, worrying about being what it would mean to  be spanked by her sadist every day. 

New actions lead to unexpected outcomes. What happened for her, is that she is now crystal clear about  how this new action has opened her exploration of her experience as a masochist and now she looks  forward to her spanking because in addition to fully expressing herself as a masochist, the spankings  lead to hot, hot sex and she experiences multiple orgasms every day. One result of our daily spanking  routine is a daily scene where her pussy, ass and mouth are used in addition to her having her ass  spanked red. It’s a very erotic and sexy daily experience and has furthered our dynamic bringing us closer together.  

She is trained to serve me during every waking hour and even in bed, where she cups my balls as we  share a daily gratitude practice, we often find that her nightly stroking of my cock turns into her gibing  me head, and she falls asleep with my taste on her lips after we roll over to spoon, falling asleep with my  hand holding her breast. 

Training my slut to please me is an ongoing process of enrolling her in being the submissive I want her to  be. Here is the important thing. There is never anything wrong. She never needs punishment because  she is a service slut who strives to please and if she fails, she punishes herself harder than anything I  could do. Remember, she is a masochist, so if I use impact to punish her, am I really punishing her? My  view is that a 24/7 dynamic training is ongoing as she strives to please me without fail. Given that she is  in an ongoing training paradigm, which is to gently prompt and coach required behaviors, the question  remains as to why, when and how I would choose to punish my submissive?  

Allow me to offer an example of a situation that occurred where punishment was required even though  she was in training. Early on she had made an agreement with me to not perve (access or read) my  messages without my permission. She broke her word and was out of integrity with me by accessing my Fetlife account one morning when I was still sleeping. She then spent the day making meaning out of a  few message exchanges she had read bits and pieces of. Because I leave my computer screens open and  often step away from my office (I work at home), we made the agreement requiring her to avoid taking  advantage of the access, and to be sure, it required some degree of self-discipline on her part not to  immediately revert to old familiar behavior out of a natural tendency to be suspicious. She did, after all,  live for decades with an abusive husband who repeatedly stepped out on her. 

While I understood her motivations, she had, nevertheless, indeed broken her agreement with me. A  break in integrity demands a consequence. In this case the strategy was to first teach her how to restore  her integrity with me. Restoring integrity is a necessary part of the process. First she had to identify and  state what action she took to break the agreement and fall out of integrity – she perved my messages – then what the impact of that was for me – a lack of trust, a feeling of being let down, disappointment,  etc, and for her, a feeling of letting me down, being untrustworthy, of knowing herself as someone  untrustworthy, and so forth, including how it made her feel to know herself as someone who breaks  agreements, and then she had to state what structure she would put in place to not have the broken  agreement occur again in the future – she made a commitment to not access my computer again – , and  finally there had to be a consequence. It is important to note that punishment never comes from a place of anger. It comes from a place of love. So I chose a punishment that would get her attention and be  limited in its scope and one that would give her time to assess her behavior. Figging. She was required to  go to the store and select a stem of ginger. Then she would come home, peel it and rough it up with a  fork to make it juicy. Then she would present it to me and request that I insert it for her and then she  tool a position kneeling on all fours as she repeated the request that I “place the ginger into her ass for  30 minutes so that she could contemplate her behavior.” 

Afterwards we talked with her kneeling at my feet, and she tearfully expressed thankfulness that she  was able to restore her Integrity. It was also the first time that she had ever been given a chance to  restore her integrity and she was very relieved that we could let the situation go completely with her integrity restored. 

Is corporal punishment ever legitimate as a routine way to interact with a submissive? Putting aside  masochists who choose hard impact play as their preferred kink, there is one consideration where  corporal punishment is legitimate in my mind. That is where a submissive has requested corporal  punishment as motivation for achieving a difficult discipline. For example, I had a submissive request  hard corporal punishment for failing to stay on course in the program I designed for her to improve her  health and fitness, modify her diet and reduce her alcohol intake. In this situation she agreed that she  would be on an escalating punishment schedule for each breach of agreement. Now keep in mind, we  used the integrity model, so she had to deal with restoring her integrity as well, BUT each transgression  escalated her punishment by 3 cane strokes. She was to present herself to be caned each week. Initially  we started with 3 strokes. So she got 3 strokes the first week and the second week, but by the third  week she started to revert to her old habits. So she got 6 strokes and when she failed to live up to her  agreement, 9 and so on. The idea was that there would be a level of weekly punishment where she  would choose to be her word rather than get additional punishment. In her case that number of strokes  was 15. Being caned 15x by a sadist with a heavy cane on her bare unprepared bottom while counting  out loud and holding her posture as she thanked me for each stroke was intense. She preferred not to  have more punishment than that. She was caned and then, she was required to kneel before me to  make a new agreement. As you can imagine, this was highly motivating for her. She would come to be  punished each week in order to motivate her, and 15 strokes kept her on track for better health. 

So, to summarize, training is a process without any negative input that is more akin to coaching. As a  coach of a team sport, you would not berate your players for small errors of not understanding, you  would teach them and coach them to perform. With a submissive, it’s the same thing, the difference is  that you are seeking an intimate partner who you want to be all in. You are seeking complete alignment. 

Be a coach. 

Punishment is only warranted when agreements are broken and it’s important that the punishment fit  the crime. A small break in integrity does not deserve the same punishment as a major transgression.  But most important, there must be resolution. It is important that punishment does not result in  resentment or space between you. Discipline using corporal punishment is a negotiated agreement. You  are really being the accountability buddy by using corporal punishment to enforce agreements. Both the  Dom and the sub must be on the same page. This is coaching at a very high level where in addition to the coaching guidance you offer your submissive, you are also responsible for her motivation and also  for holding her accountable. 

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground 

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms

Negotiation And Consent

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Kink is a power exchange.  

How do you KNOW as a Top/Dom/Domme/Master/Sir/Mistress etc (collectively “Top”) that you have the consent of your submissive?  

As a submissive, how do you come to the decision to choose to relinquish your power safely? How do  you choose your Top?  

Let’s be honest, as a Top, if you did some of the things that run-of-the-mill kink play routinely involves to  a person who had NOT given you their consent, you might very well get charged, arrested, prosecuted  and convicted. 

Kink is a coin with two sides. It only works if the Top and the Bottom, the Dom and the Sub, the Master  and the slave are in alignment and it works best when there is full unconstrained communication.  

One of the toughest aspects around the issue of monitoring consent during a scene is that both the Dom  and the sub often experience mind-altering states that often makes clear communication difficult.  

Kink is intense. It is a must to negotiate the parameters from a place of clarity, and I would argue, with  complete authenticity.  

There is good reason to discuss what is on the table (bondage, impact play, needles, gags, and/or dildos,  for instance) as well as for how long, how intense, and what the limits are.  

Do you as a sub, know your limits? Are you wanting to test your limits? As a Dom, are you someone who  understands how to stretch limits within the boundaries of hard limits? Do you have an agreement on aftercare? 

Hard limits, those things you just won’t do, must be stated and agreed to without reservation.  

Kink requires safe words…I like the Yellow/Red combination. What does red mean? Do you end the scene or just move on to some other aspect of play? What about yellow? If I am flogging my sub and she  says “yellow” what that means in our dynamic is “back off a bit, but please continue.”

When he/she says “I give you my consent” do you know what that means for him/her, do you  understand his/her limits hard and soft? Do you know what he/she is expecting, for how long you have  his/her consent? Do you know what his/her safe words are, and the way he/she understands them?  

There is an argument, especially in pick-up-play, to be made for ongoing clarifications and requests for  consent to be made as the scene progresses in order to keep the participants on the same page. For  example, “I am going to spank you now with my bare hand, do I have your consent?” After spanking  him/her ask “I am going to increase the intensity, do I have your consent?” And so on.  

The most important part of the negotiation is really what happens after play, and what I call “the  debriefing”. It is during the discussion about what was done and how it went that you come to  agreement about what works and what does not. What is desired and what is designated as off limits, and not to be part of future play.  

Ongoing dynamics are negotiated power exchanges that do not generally require repetitive  conversations about consent, but in even well-established dynamics, there is a need to make sure that  the play evolves keeping both parties fully engaged in the experience.  

As a Dom, my view is that for me, a total power exchange is the perfect dynamic. Even in that dynamic,  because my submissive has agency, whenever we introduce new experiences in play, there is a  conversation before, during and after that addresses how she is doing, is she wanting more of what we  are doing, does she want harder impact, should we go on longer etc. The point is that we live in a 24/7  TPE and we enjoy an energetic connection that requires no words, so when we do new things, we speak  a lot about how it lands and how she likes it and how I can expand her limits and so on. Consent is an  ongoing conversation that we always engage in.  

Why do I say that one should be their authentic self when giving or seeking consent or negotiating  limits? Think about this, if you are a dreamy sub and have all the feels for the Dom you are negotiating  with and he says “I am into knife play” and for you, it’s a hard limit, but you don’t want to disappoint  and so you say “It’s a soft limit”, then you go into a play session with a major concerns and you cannot  relax and you are worried he is going to pull out a knife and you are worried about being cut and worse.  The scene will not go well for you or him. If you were your authentic self, and you said, “that’s a hard  limit”, then you would have no concerns about being cut or poked or scratched etc. He might have been  disappointed, and he might have made an attempt to negotiate. He might share that his way of  engaging in knife play may not be about cutting you, but instead be about getting you to move for him  to avoid being cut, for example, and it may be something you come to try and enjoy and look forward  to, but since you pretended to be interested in it, your head never got into subspace during the  scene….and so I think that it is best to be authentic. Only agree to things you know you can handle on  either side of the slash.  

If you are new at kink, there is a lot to consider in negotiating with a play partner. First, are you chatting  with someone with the same goal? Is this pickup play, are you thinking longer term? Are you clear what  the experience level is? Do you have knowledge of the tools planned to be used? Is there attraction? Are you clear in your thinking? Do you have a friend you are in communication with that knows where you  are going and who you are with? Are you negotiating about an evening or a weekend or longer? Does  the person with whom you are negotiating scratch your itch? Do they understand what you are seeking  exactly? Will there be penetration? Do you require condom use? There are so many details to get right.  The main thing is to be in communication so that if a detail gets missed, there is a pathway to resolving the issue.  

There comes a decision point in any negotiation. A point where, as a Dom, you get to ask the sub to give  you her consent. When I was in this situation with a new potential partner, I would have her go off in  private to do a task I requested in order to set the stage. After she made the decision to give her  consent, in order to demonstrate that she was in fact giving me her consent, the last step to bring the  negotiation to an end and to begin the scene, I would give her a butt plug and lube and send her to the  bathroom so she could have one more opportunity to consider what came next, and a chance for her to  choose to go forward or not in private without any pressure. She was given the choice to go and insert  it, with the instruction to bring me her underwear by way of confirming that she was giving me her consent. I have met with prospective subs where they chose to go forward and sometimes, they chose  not to go forward. Kink is as intimate as it gets. If a sub chose not to go forward, I would always honor  her choice, no questions asked. She must choose to submit from my point of view. Period.  

In the case of negotiating around discipline rather than play, when I negotiate with a sub for hard impact  play or brutal punishment as in the context of a discipline where accountability is the issue and sexual  contact is not at issue. In this case, I require her to give me her consent on video with her spoken words  so that if there was a later dispute, that would be time stamped evidence.  

Kink is very exciting, It’s very hot. It’s risky and edgy, and it’s super fun. BUT it’s only those things when  both sides of the slash are in full agreement without constraint.  

Be smart. Negotiate from a place of complete authenticity, and reach agreements that allow you to play unreservedly. Otherwise, how can you give your consent or accept the consent of your play partner?  

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