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Simon Blaise

BDSM Head space

November 2, 2015 By Simon Blaise 1 Comment

headspace

Having a hard time getting into altered head spaces during play?

This article is not for anyone in the community who is happy and healthy with a Labelcentric BDSM Lifestyle, which I respect and support. This article is primarily for those who have never reached an altered head space during play.

Hard time getting into head space?

We hear things around the munches and dungeons all the time, like “submission is a gift, tops don’t bottom, otherwise they would be switches or aren’t true tops, if you don’t figure out your role, no one will want to play with you, and I’m a bottom, so topping is not something I ever want to do,” but do we ever think how these statements truly affect our BDSM experience?

This article is meant to help people understand one of the most challenging obstacles for reaching an altered head space I’ve come across so far.

If you are experiencing trouble with head space, you will likely experience kink like never before if you incorporate some of the following concepts into your life. The primary obstacle to overcome is allowing your heart, genitalia and mind to accept that during play, those people who take on the role of top and dominant are simply “givers” and bottoms and submissives are simply “receivers”. (If you accept this, you can use your name as the label for all other things kinky about yourself.)

Give and receive what?
The giver gives touch, attention, effort, thought, awareness, technique, toys, and experience to name a few – the receiver receives all of what the giver gives as she goes to an altered head space, of which she enjoys on multiple levels, usually feeling healed, recharged and refreshed afterwards. Once a receiver accepts this, her play will do more for her and the giver than she could ever imagine.

Receiver Troubleshooting
Simply put, receivers cannot get into headspace without gratitude and humility in their heart.

If the receiver believes her act of standing there and reacting to impact play is truly a gift to the giver, she will never have the requisite amount of humility or gratitude to get into an altered head space. The more superficially attractive she may be, the harder humility and gratitude will come for her.

When one sees themselves as a gift to another person or otherwise does not humble themselves and feel gratitude for the moment and efforts, they are not opening up their energy, but creating a black hole for which energy is trapped and consumed at the detriment of the giver.

To have gratitude and humility flowing strongly and with determination through your heart is one way to walk the path to becoming more vulnerable and open with a giver. I cannot think of a powerful and meaningful way to open one’s self up to another human being during SM play. If you are having a hard time with gratitude and humility, think about this: Most receivers just want to receive and strongly dislike giving of themselves to the giver in the way givers give. Receivers should be humbled by the fact givers are willing to give to receivers what receivers are not willing to give to givers.

Giver Troubleshooting
When it takes two for SM Magic, there’s a 50% chance you’re not the reason you have a problem with head space.

The Giver’s Ego: Since trust is an important component for getting into an altered head space, givers must tame their ego and be equally grateful and humble towards receivers as a show of strength and control. Givers who haven’t tamed their own ego cannot tame the receiver’s ego enough for her to let go during play. Cocky people are sexy, but not always easy to trust. If you’re a giver, arrogance is a valuable tool to keep women prone to dungeon love at a safe distance.

This is why highly skilled and talented givers with out of control egos are seen as tragic by so many receivers – the giver has everything going for him in the world of impact play, yet nothing to offer the receiver energetically. Givers who continue to give to receivers without getting gratitude back from the receiver eventually suffer spiritual decay and become bitter negative souls unless their reason for giving is purely selfless. This means that most givers thrive on gratitude and find inspiration in a receiver’s humility that gives the giver energy and will to take the receiver to new heights in head space.

Subspace vs. Head Space

If you’re having trouble with reaching different mental states during play, try not calling it “subspace”. The gift and miracle of head spaces has been buried by the term “subspace”. There are so many different kinds of mental states one can reach during play, both giver and receiver, that to call it subspace would be an oversimplification if it were not for the fact the term itself is defective – you don’t have to be a label, in this case “sub”, or be dominant or submissive, to enjoy an altered space brought about with sensations to the body and interaction with the mind.

Conclusion

This may not make sense initially, but if you practice accepting the concepts above and getting your soul closer to a more grateful and humble soul, you will soon have an ah-ha moment right before the most powerful orgasm of your life. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and open because it’s during those times when you are at your strongest and can grow the most.

Both the giver and receiver need to practice gratitude and humility for SM Magic to happen. One might have a great endorphin rush initially when the ego is present in a scene, but eventually they will find themselves not playing as much once the soul figures out it’s not getting nourished, but fed upon in a destructive way, or at least seems destructive to me since I’ve experienced both sides.

Since his introduction into the BDSM lifestyle in the early 90s, the “Kinkstar” Simon Blaise has shared his passion for BDSM with the world as an international presenter at BDSM/Leather events across the globe for the last 8 years. As an attorney, he has provided probono legal services to members of the BDSM, Leather and LGBT communities for the last 10 years. As a transgender person who lives equally as both a male and a female, he hopes to pave the way for others in our community to feel more comfortable about living authentically and openly. You can learn more about him here.

Tagged With: bdsm, comingout, dynamic, head space, Journey, newbies, scene, submission, subspace

Opinion: The roles that bind

October 12, 2015 By Simon Blaise 9 Comments

woman handcuffed

Why I feel a switch is more of a master than a master

The reason I’m writing this is to help those who have hit a wall and have finally stopped believing everyone who refers to them as such just because they typed it on a screen when creating a profile – but rather hears the quiet voice in their head that speaks only the truth that they can no longer ignore.

Mastery as a Verb (Not as a TPE, management of slaves, or anything else, just a verb)
As a verb, (which is the only definition I personally feel fits “Master” in the context of a kinkysexual lifestyle), is defined as:

1. To acquire complete knowledge or skill in an accomplishment, technique, or art.

2. gain control of; overcome.
synonyms: learn, become proficient in, know inside out, know (frontward and) backwards; pick up, grasp, understand; get the hang of

If one were to call themselves “Master”, they are saying they know something “inside out”. The only type of kinkysexual I have personally experienced that knows kink “inside out” is a switch.
If you believe you are a master who knows kink “inside and out” without ever bottoming, this article is not for you – yet, or perhaps ever. So you can stop reading now, but feel free to bookmark this if anything ever changes.

Moving on, I’ve bottomed to, and even served, leather masters now and again over the last 20 years and I found those who never switched knew the out very well, but not the inside – you can’t say anything to these people, just don’t return their calls and emails.
So how can we call a person who never bottomed “master” without quietly saying to ourselves “I’m just going to be polite and call that person master so as to avoid making any waves.” I don’t have an answer.

Mastery is Overcoming
To master something, one overcomes. If kink is the only thing in life you feel you have mastered, then this may be hard to understand.

What does a master who never bottoms overcome? Carpal-tunnel syndrome?

For someone who never bottoms, where is the fear? Where is the fear to overcome? Does one even know what the fear feels like when one never experiences giving up total control?

So in a sub-conclusion, a switch, by definition, has done the work that other masters in other disciplines must do to earn the title master. However, and ironically, switches do not usually claim the title master out of humility and desire to remain unchained to words. That is why I feel switches should be considered masters of kink.

Enslavement to Roles
If you are enslaved to a role, can you be a master or even a slave to another master? (That’s a question only you can answer for yourself.)

Thousands of years ago, it was written in a fantastic story book, also referred to as a “bible” by some: “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other.”

For me, I feel as a global kinkysexual community, we are becoming more and more enslaved to roles like top and bottom, dominant and submissive, and master and slave, that I have seen tend to hinder, not broaden, sexual experiences.

Roles in Relationships as Opposed to Play
You may have a default comfort in relationships like me. I’ve never had a relationship where I’m a submissive or slave because outside of the kink of submission itself to simply have mind blowing orgasms, it doesn’t make me happy or I haven’t found anyone who could inspire submission or surrender on a relationship level – until that happens, I will never really know, but since there’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to submission or surrender, I will keep an open mind.

Actually, the best sexual experiences I’ve ever had in my life were with kinkysexuals who refuse to adopt a role, but adopt and accept themselves, and do whatever the hell they feel like at the moment – now that’s dominating life and society’s nonsense in my opinion. Consequently, over the years, I have become more and more inspired to free myself of “role bondage” by these marvelous and powerful creatures who had no shackles to bare.

Is Mastery outside of Kink the same as Mastery in Kink?
In martial arts, a master has a long history of enduring pain, the physical pain when struck and the emotional pain of defeat when bested by their master over and over again. I know of no masters in martial arts who only kick others and never receive a kick themselves. And if you have a traditional martial arts training experience, you’re basically a slave without the sex and play.
In naval traditions, masters of a ship had to start out as midshipmen. They endured the humiliation and challenge of recruit training and service on a ship before becoming a master of their own ship.
The examples go on and on.

So that begs the question…why is being a master in kink any different?

The simple answer: It really isn’t. Why?

To top or bottom is more of an act than a role, like being a punching bag for your martial arts master and fellow students. However, many act as though both top and bottom are roles that bind because they think everyone else believes acts define us as human beings, when acts actually enrich us – and heaven forbid others think of us as not conforming to those standards in kink that keep us cool, palatable and acceptable.

What really happens is that the roles obfuscate the need for knowledge and awareness so as it cannot be obtained by a shackled mind. If you must have a role, I feel the best role in kink is “perpetual student” and when your white flogger has turned black over the years, you’ve become a master.

Effects of the Roles that Bind
I have met many who identify as one role and act outside of that role with guilt, turmoil, or shame. We would have a stronger community if we supported, not judged or exiled, other kinkysexuals who venture out beyond their initial programming no matter where it takes them in kink.

Conclusion
Again, if you’re happy and smiling in your role, keep up the good work. This is for those who are expanding beyond their initial roles and feel bad about it.

I’m not saying that there is no one who is a total slave in kink. I’m saying that if you suspect a role is what’s keeping you in a holding pattern, it’s time to ask yourself – “why isn’t kink making me smile anymore?”

We are human, which means we can be more than roles if we choose. There is not one right way, but many. Consequently, roles can sometimes fool us into thinking there is “one way” to be and “one way” to experience kink.

We need freedom to be human and environments that stifle freedom only hinder our evolution and growth towards a more loving and compassionate community. I hope this article adds to an environment of acceptance of those who are hard to accept by others and themselves.

*As for social masters in the communities out there who were covered because of their service to their community, that’s a whole other animal and not what I am addressing here. I know plenty of covered masters who get down in all sorts of ways according to what turns them on – and that’s awesome in my book.

Since his introduction into the BDSM lifestyle in the early 90s, the “Kinkstar” Simon Blaise has shared his passion for BDSM with the world as an international presenter at BDSM/Leather events across the globe for the last 8 years. As an attorney, he has provided probono legal services to members of the BDSM, Leather and LGBT communities for the last 10 years. As a transgender person who lives equally as both a male and a female, he hopes to pave the way for others in our community to feel more comfortable about living authentically and openly. You can learn more about him here.

Do you agree that a switch is more of a master of BDSM than a master? Have your say below…

Tagged With: bdsm, comingout, dominant, labels, master, slave, submission, submissive, switch, Terminology

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