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Interview with Master Hercules

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Can you please tell us how you first become a part of this community?

Even though I know I started exploring my kinky side when I was very young.  My first real introduction to the lifestyle was when I was 20, so almost 30 years ago.  Back then I met a woman, who I refer in my conversations as my Mrs. Robinson. She was not married but she was older than me by 20 years, a cougar before there was even term for that.  She was the one who introduced me to the lifestyle first in one on one play and then into more group settings and back then there were not really any public places to go, but there were private events and clubs.  Also, when I started my exploration into this I started out as a slave and was one for about 11 years.

When did you know you were a Dominant? How did this information change/impact your life?

I have always been dominant in some way in my life, even in my slave years.  Of course, in my early years I had my kink side, which of course had to stay hidden.  Then there was my Vanilla life for which I tended to do jobs that required being more dominant, like being a bouncer.  Back on the other side in my kink life, as I mentioned I was a slave and in time that segued into being a Switch. I finally made my full transformation into being an all out Dominant in my 30s.  This was about the time I also started blending my vanilla life and kink life together an being more open about it. I have always been a man about balance and respecting and even making what we would consider feminine part of my life but then I would shut out various aspects of the masculine.  I believe once I excepted the masculine more, is when my true Dom came out. Sounds a little woo woo, but we all have our journeys, don’t we?

Did you have any fears going from vanilla to kink? If so, how did you help to assuage them?

Of course, I did.  I have been doing this for quit sometime now but it is not until in the past decade that kink has become more normalized.  Fuck, I hid my shit even from other lifestyles in the beginning, such as the swinger community (which I was a part of) because I did not want to get judged.  My first sense of normalization came from my work as an AIDS Buddy, which was a program that connected you with an individual who had AIDS and your job at that time was to help them die.  Anyways, one of my buddies I was assigned to was into kink and more importantly the leather scene. He was also a gay man and what I found inspiring about him was that he owned both those identities and did not care what others thought of him.  It because of the normalization of various communities such as the LGB (eventually TQ), swing, poly, etc. which helped me challenge those fears.

Can you elaborate on your work in the community? Can you define therapeutic Dom in your words?

I wear many hats in the work I do, and it is a spectrum at that.  At one end I am a Sex, Intimacy & Relationship Coach (a.k.a. The Pleasure Coach), as well as being a sensual bodyworker and even throw into the mix being a vanilla massage therapist and a cuddle therapist.  How did I get being a Pro Dom from all that, well as I my journey went from slave to switch to Dom, I eventually started presenting workshops and lecturing. My coaching work started becoming niche and I started working with more people exploring their kinky sides (thank you 50 Shaded of you know what) and doing mentoring.  Even my sensual bodywork expanded into including Bondassage for which I had the honor of learning from Mistress Jaeleen. The Therapeutic Dom aspect came from the idea of who I am. I enjoy helping people in many ways as you can see, and I also think kink/BDSM is very therapeutic. Say you are being flogged. 1. Flogging (done right) is very grounding 2.  Depending on the type of flogger, flogging and the person flogging you. A flogging session can actually feel wonderful on the body. 3. During a session, the person receiving can go into sub space and experience a connection between the mind, the body and the energy (spirit) around them. In many ways this like a regular massage and has many therapeutic values.

In your opinion how do therapy/mental health and kink work together?

Yes, they do and there has been a good amount of information coming out about this, especially from organization like the Center For Positive Sexuality http://positivesexuality.org  In my area of work I do a form of work called Therapeutic Spanking.  What I do approaches it on a rather simple level but there are far more advanced ways it has been used.  For the people I work with, we use it for several areas, but the most common area is for grounding. I have a client I work with who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and her explanation of how the spanking works for her, is that when she starting to get into a bad state of being, she feels disconnected from her physical body.  The spanking for her helps her reconnect and become more present with in her body and mind/

Are there mental health benefits from practicing kink/BDSM? Can kink/BDSM ever be detrimental?

Of course there are benefits and with recent studies, I am sure we are just hitting the tip of the iceberg.  On the most basic level, I see with kink/BDSM it helps with one’s self, whether it is with awareness or esteem which gives people a better sense of well-being.  With that said though, with ever positive there is a negative, so yes there are detrimental sides. I just mentioned that kink/BDSM can in positive way help with someone’s self esteem, but I have also found that there are those who try to enter this lifestyle who have low self esteem about themselves.  My experience has been that they are trying to find connection at any cost and they feel if they partake in this community they will get what they need even if it hurts them not just physically but mentally. For individuals like this, they need to step back from the community and do self-work for themselves and then if they are still interested they should try again.

Are you currently working on any new projects? If so, what are they?

Well I am always trying to work, train and teach.  In the past year, when I can I have been researching and discussing the effect that SESTA/FOSTA has had on our community, especially the Pro aspect.

I have also been talking and looking for photographers about an idea for combining people into kink and their everyday lives

What is your overall mission concerning kink/BDSM and the Kink Community? How does your work go about accomplishing this?

To make everyone kinky …. I wish but it is a happy thought.  Honestly, I work to be the best kink positive person I can be and lead by example.  I want to stand by the work I do and continue to talk, educate and be there for others.

What is the most rewarding thing(s) about your job?

The fact that I get to do this for a living.  I know it is a generic answer, but it is so true.  To expand though, it is a physical, mental and energy high, when I am done working with a client and you have met her needs.

What is the most challenging thing(s) about your job?

For me is that I can only do this part time.  It is not easy being a male Pro Dom always, especially if you only work with female identified clients.  Even though women have come along way with their sexuality and paying for it, exploring kink/BDSM is whole different ball game which requires trust and that is a good thing but still makes it difficult. I mentioned it before, SESTA/FOSTA laws make is hard to advertise my services.

How do you separate working in the community from your personal life?

I do not really separate honestly.  I am and will always be kinky, it is who I am.  When I am working on a professional level, I do have to take a step away from that in mindset that that is work, just like I do with any of my other work.  However, since kink is part of my life. I must remind myself, it is not work and you still can have fun. I hope that makes sense.

In your opinion what makes for a good Dom/Domme?

Wow, how many pages do I need to answer this.  Okay let us, start by say what a bad Dom is. In many cases these are the ones I call “Wanna Be Doms”.  Generally male identified but can be female identified as well. They are all talk, domineering not dominant and have a perception of kink/BDSM of what they think it is and not what it is.

Now a good Dom, whatever identified gender, has many qualities.  I find the first quality is that they are authentic and who they are.  I call myself Master Hercules, because master is the archetype I decided to connect with and use, but that is not what makes me a good Dom. Hercules, the person behind that title is what make me a good Dom.  With that I feel that a good Dom is good in communicating and expressing their true intentions, which is especially good in today consent culture. They are who they are and do not have to boast about themselves.  

What makes for a good submissive?

Another question that could surely go on for pages.  In many ways, what I said about a good Dom correlates to a good submissive.  For me personally, I look for those who able to articulate their desires and limits openly and honestly.  Someone who can think outside the box. A person who is committed and not going to ghost you. Since the list can be quite extensive, I would say a submissive must trust you enough to submit to you

What is the number one common misconception that needs to be dispelled concerning the Kink and Fetish Communities? How can we go about eradicating this?

This is what I say when I am I talking to an audience.  There is nothing wrong with me or other in kink/BDSM. I have not mental health issues, I was not abused as a child, I am a Spiritual Atheist, so I did not practice organized religion.  All the bad press and negative things that you have been told that are part of kink/BDSM and that are wrong for people that are in the scene, have never happened to me. I am like you in many ways, but I like to cause pain to people who give me consent and desire to receive it.  How we can eradicate it is simple just by having honest discussions about it.

Any closing words?

Nothing profound but thank you for the opportunity to so this.  I love that there are outlets like Kink Weekly that are out there for us kinksters.

About Master Hercules

Master Hercules is a Pro Dom who has been active non – professionally & professionally in BDSM for over 20 years and plays with in many aspects of BDSM lifestyle.  His approach to kink/BDSM is that of a Therapeutic aspect, which is why Hercules refers to himself as a Therapeutic Dom.  He is a Kink Educator who speaks and teaches in various aspects of kink/BDSM, as well coaching others in the lifestyle. 
Master Hercules http://www.MasterHercules.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/masterhercules/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/MasterHerc

Interview with Emily from Center for Positive Sexuality

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Can you tell us how the Center got its starts?

The Center started in 2007 as a small group of volunteer educators going to local (LA) colleges talking about personal experiences with BDSM. After some time, this expanded to other subjects, more volunteers, and then in 2013 became an actual 501c3 organization.

What is the Center’s overall mission?

The website and our brochures say: “Addressing social issues through sex positive research and education.” What that means is creating and supporting programs and individuals who use positive sexuality as a means to address and solve a variety of social issues, including but not limited to: lack of access to sex-positive education, healthcare, research, etc.; supporting marginalized gender and sexual identities; using positive sexuality as a framework for humanizing others, etc.

How does the Center go about accomplishing this?

Currently, we have two main branches: Education and Research. Our Education Programs consist of: presentations for colleges, universities, organizations, parents, and professionals; outreach on college campuses and community events; an Education intern program; and our newest program – a Sex Positive Professional Certification Program.

Our Research Program consists of: Research Affiliates and Assistants from various universities and organizations with a history of positive sexuality publications; our peer-reviewed academic journal, Journal of Positive Sexuality; and a Research intern program.

Both of these programs intersect, helping one another to stay current and focused on our mission.

What communities are you currently involved with?

That’s a big question in a way. We’re involved with many LA local communities, including colleges, universities, and student organizations; BDSM clubs; organizations that promote sex-positive education and parenting; and various other sex positive groups. We’re also connected to communities and organizations across the country and in other parts of the world.

Can you elaborate more on your research? What does your research seek to accomplish/find?

If you mean the Center’s research, we mainly focus on research that promotes positive sexuality, involves participants from marginalized groups, and promotes health and well-being. Some of our research also points out the discrepancies and problems with past or current research on issues like sex work, sex addiction, and other topics, highlighting what could be done to improve our thinking about these topics.

If you mean my personal research, I mainly work on topics around deviance and leisure, BDSM, sexual identities, and feminism. I think overall all of this research is meant to show that 1) sexual identity is diverse and 2) positive sexuality can be used to accomplish a great deal of humanizing and peacemaking that is necessary for us all to not only survive, but live well.

Concerning education, what types of presentations does the Center give? Where does the Center present their presentations?

We give presentations on a variety of topics, including BDSM, polyamory/non-monogamy, sex work, consent, body image, gender spectrum, and so much more. We also tailor specific presentations for certain audiences when needed.

We’ve presented mostly in Los Angeles, but we also have educators in Illinois and Idaho, and have conducted presentations online for organizations in New York, San Francisco, and other areas. The internet lets us go anywhere we’re needed.

How does one go about volunteering/helping out? What type of volunteers are you looking for?

The easiest way is to check our Volunteer page and fill out an application: http://positivesexuality.org/about-us/volunteer-opportunities/

We always need more educators. We also really need some Admin volunteers. We need people who can consistently help with social media posts, putting together fund raisers and events, working at Outreach tables in various community spaces, as well as working on aspects of accounting, data entry, etc. We’re expanding at an exponential rate and need dedicated people who can offer their time to fill some important positions.

Are you currently working on any new projects? If so, what are they?

Like I mentioned earlier, we’re rolling out our new Sex Positive Professional Certification Program. We have a beta-test group going through the program now to help us work out (in?) some kinks and make sure we really hit everything we meant to in the program. This will be made public by early 2019. It is designed for any type of professional who wishes to expand their knowledge and serve a more diverse client base from a positive sexuality perspective. No previous human sexuality education is necessary. It’s all included.

In your opinion, what makes your organization unique?

The diversity of the volunteers and the collective nature of how we work on projects. Everyone is valued and important, whether they contribute $1/month or thousands per year; whether they email opinions in occasionally or show up to everything we do. We’re trying to make the world a better place through positive sexuality, and that has to start from within the organization.

What is the biggest challenge the Center is currently facing? How can we help remedy this?

We’re growing at a very rapid rate right now. Although funds are always welcome, what we really need are a few very dedicated people that can quickly move into responsible positions on the Board, on committees, and in other spaces that help our infrastructure to support our programs.

What is the most fulfilling aspect concerning working at the Center?

For me, it’s the people I work with. Meetings aren’t something to dread, they’re a social event where we get things done. I love the people I get to interact with. I love their energy and dedication. And I love seeing them make connections with others in the organization as friends and colleagues.

After that, it’s of course actually seeing our mission get accomplished in so many ways. We have a broad international network that supports, produces, and reproduces our work. We haven’t taken over the world yet, but we’re getting there.

What is the environment like at the Center?

In a way that’s difficult to answer. We don’t have a physical location, although there are a few spaces we regularly use for meetings and events. Most of the time we’re interacting online or seeing each other when educating, conducting outreach, or working events. However, our overall environment is very open and welcoming. We’re a diverse group and we strive to make everyone feel a part of the organization. We support one another. Although there is somewhat of a hierarchy for the necessity of keeping things running, all input is welcome. We rely heavily on everyone’s opinions and ideas to move us forward. Essentially, we follow our 4Cs: Consent, Communication, Caring, and Caution.

What are your organization’s core values? How do these relate to the overall mission of your organization?

We follow our 4Cs, as well as our 8 Dimensions of Positive Sexuality. [I’ll attach an outline of these for you, should you wish to reference them.] These are our core values as well as how we decide what does and does not meet our mission. If the project, person, or organization doesn’t fit that model, then it doesn’t fit the Center.

What is the long-term goal for the Center? How do you plan to go about achieving this?

Super long-term goal, as with any social organization, is to not be necessary any longer. We hope for a world where no one is marginalized, all people are actually treated with respect and care, and sexuality and related issues are pursued from a positive perspective.

In the real world of attainable goals, we hope to become the center for positive sexuality. We want to be the core that supports positive sexuality education, research, therapy, and so much more.

We’re getting there. We have more support now than we ever did, and we are quickly moving forward. Our education program is very strong. We are building to other cities around the country and we have a great internship program for students who wish to study and teach about human sexuality from a variety of perspectives. Our research program is also strong, with a growing list of established researches affiliating with our organization, using our interns on their projects, and publishing worldwide. As we roll out our upcoming Certification Program, that will increase our reach and our revenue. This allows us to feed back to all of our programs and grow that much more.

Any closing words?

I don’t do this alone. I have a sexy and amazing group of people who provide time, energy, and funding to make the Center what it is and what it will become. The Center for Positive Sexuality is an amazing group that has managed to accomplish a lot, and will continue to do so.

About Emily

Emily E. Prior, MA
Executive Director
Co-Founder Journal of Positive Sexuality

Emily E. Prior is the Executive Director for the Center for Positive Sexuality. Since 1996 she has been teaching formal and informal classes about a variety of sexuality-related topics including Gender, Deviance, Relationships and Family, and Feminism. She is an adjunct professor at several colleges and universities, has over a dozen publications, and has presented at conferences around the U.S. She is frequently interviewed about her research, the Center, and positive sexuality in general. She also won the Vern Bullough Award for research. To contact Emily, please email at emily@positivesexuality.org.

Check out the Center’s website: http://positivesexuality.org/about-us/

Interview with Shay

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How did you get your start in the Kink Community? What drew you to this lifestyle?

I came into the kink community in 2003, when my partner Stefanos and I were living in Minnesota. Prior to that, Stefanos had been involved in fetish event production, and we’d both done kinky bedroom play for pretty much as long as we’d been having sex. We were also both Live Action Role Players (LARPers), which is how we met, and that’s pretty damned kinky in our books! We started to go to Minnesota munches and play events, and met our mentor Koroban. That was very much the beginning of my time in the kink community.

Can you elaborate on your work in the community? What projects are you currently working on?

I recently finished getting selfsuspend.com up and running, and my biggest project right now is working on writing a book on self-suspension… which is incredibly time-consuming! I’m very inspired by “creating the work I want to see in the world” – when I first started with self-suspension, there were very few online resources, and no classes or mentors in my area. I ended up taking content from a partnered suspension context and adapting it myself, and basically being self-taught in a lot of areas. I try to think about what content would have been helpful for me when I was a curious beginner, and working on getting that information out there in a more accessible way.

You teach a wide range of subjects – can you talk about your process for developing classes?

Most of my classes are co-taught with my partner Stefanos, and our class list has developed slowly over the years. We were first inspired to present when we came back from Shibaricon (a large rope convention in Chicago). At the time we were part of a small Minnesota community that didn’t have much by way of formal classes available. Members of the youth group we were part of asked us to share our bondage knowledge, and our Remedial Ropes classes were born. Many of our classes have come about this way – a friend will tell us that they love watching us do cutting, or playful BDSM scenes, or pick-up play, and will ask “hey, can you teach me how to do that?” Due to my professional knowledge, I’m asked to present on medical and safety topics pretty frequently.

Generally our process has been that we start with broader classes, and then divide them into more focused classes as we hone the content. We presented locally, first in Minnesota and then in San Francisco, starting in 2005. We didn’t travel to present at our first convention until 2011, so we really took our time presenting and developing our classes on the local level before taking the “show on the road” as it were!

What is your favorite class to present, and why?

I’ve been super into presenting self-suspension, especially when I can make an afternoon intensive of it. I’ve worked really hard to make the content as accessible as possible – my goal is for everyone in the class to self-suspend and feel really good and accomplished having had that successful experience. My first exposures to shibari-style rope suspension made me feel really crappy and inadequate, like I wasn’t a worthy rope human, and I’m trying to give folks and experience of success and fun in their own ropes!

When I’m presenting with my partner Stefanos, our favorite class is It’s a Trap: Playful Scenes and Non-Bondage Predicaments. It’s a very demo-heavy class, and we usually have at least three stunt bottoms working with us, which always creates a fun and unique energy.

Do you structure your classes or just go off the cuff?

Our classes are ridiculously structured! I have detailed, pages long outlines that I print off and work from, which even includes the amount of time to spend on each subject. Of course, within that there is still quite a bit of space and each class is still unique and different – it’s an outline, not a script! For example, the outline might list that we have ten minutes to demo and discuss a toy ordering game as a negotiation tool, so that’s the broad strokes, but the exact execution of that will vary each time.

You’re known for your self-suspension performances, as well as curating shows that include kink and bondage performance. In your opinion, what makes for a great performer?

The biggest thing I’m always pushing performers to do is to create shorter acts. Less really is more! It’s hard to do a short performance, because it makes you really hone down your presentation, but putting in the work makes you really polished and focused. I always think about this quote from Woodrow Wilson, when he was asked how long it takes him to prepare a speech: “It depends. If I am to speak ten minutes, I need a week for preparation; if fifteen minutes, three days; if half an hour, two days; if an hour, I am ready now.” I’m interested in the TED-talks of bondage performances, and it takes a different level of preparation. If you’re doing a scene on stage and want to take 45 minutes, that’s fine (and some folks certainly prefer that type of performance, I’m not here to Twue Way on this), but that’s a very different type of performance than the acts I do, curate, and enjoy as an audience member. IMHO, there is a difference between “scene rope” and “performance rope” and I enjoy pushing the boundaries of that distinction.

What keeps you coming back to perform within the community?

There’s something so satisfying about coming up with a concept, music, costumes, and routine for a performance, just creating all that out of nothing at all and then getting to execute it on a stage is just incredible. When I first started doing rope performance, the vast majority of what I saw in terms of bondage on stage was shibari-style, men topping women… and I wanted to represent something outside of that. I’ve been performing (and creating performances) since childhood dance classes, so it’s something that’s always been part of my life. In addition, I’ve come to embrace that my “core kink” is exhibitionism. I don’t do much private play at all – I love being watched, so being on stage also feeds that!

How would you recommend that newcomers get started with learning bondage?

For folks just starting with rope, we do think that you can get a lot of basic safety information online, including sites like RemedialRopes.com. Mentoring and taking in-person classes is optimal, once you start to actually tie – many areas have rope classes, munches, or peer-led events. To supplement your in-person instruction, consider sites like KinkAcademy.com, which is a great place for tons of videos. Many instructors offer private lessons, as well, which is a great option if that is affordable for you. Get references on specific instructors and classes if you can – not all bondage instructors teach or tie in a style that will be a match with your bondage and/or learning preferences. I really recommend self-tying as a way to start – it teaches you about both rope topping and rope bottoming, and is a wonderful way to learn!

Can you give advice for individuals that want to learn new hard and soft skills? Dos and don’ts?

Don’t be afraid to learn online and from videos. I got most of my early suspension bondage education from YouTube – don’t let the rope snobs tell you that’s not a valid resource! I always recommend in-person instruction, but it’s not possible or accessible for everyone all the time, so videos can be a great way to supplement that. Also along those lines: DO get your information from multiple sources! Having someone mentor you in person, and also taking a few classes, and also reading some books, and also watching videos is optimal IMHO. You want to get a variety of perspectives and approaches!

What events are next on your schedule?

I’m producing the bondage and kink performance event Twisted Windows on the Friday of Folsom weekend (9/28) here in San Francisco, as well as numerous other local events (BENT, Self-Suspension Open Space, Master’s Den, etc). I help with programming for Dark Odyssey: Surrender, which is a weekend hotel kink conference in San Francisco, and am getting geared up for that event, as well as starting to plan 2019 travel!

About Shay and Stefanos

Stefanos & Shay are a vivacious, unconventional D/s couple whose entertaining, information-packed classes have been called “better than a Vegas act.” They identify as pansexual polyamorous playsluts, purveyors of perversion, and alliteration fetishists! They are based in San Francisco, where they host over 60 events a year (including BENT, Twisted Windows, Master’s Den, Self-Suspension Open Space, & Bondage-a-Go-Go) and were named King & Queen of Pervert’s Prom in 2006!

Shay is a medical professional by day, education director for Dark Odyssey: Surrender and writer/creator of bondage safety repositoryRemedialRopes.com by night, as well as a prominent self-suspender known for unique, dynamic rigs and prodigious performances. Stefanos is all kink all the time as DM & CEO of Bondage-a-Go-Go, event manager at the SF Citadel, and former Producer/Steward of The Upper Floor on Kink.com.

Stefanos & Shay have performed, presented, and hosted around the country and internationally, including at Dark Odyssey (Winter Fire, Surrender, & Fusion), Rome BDSM Conference, Thunder in the Mountains, KinkFest, RopeCraft, Northwest Leather Celebration, Westcoast Bound, San Francisco State University, Stanford University, OpenSF, Kinky Kollege, Beyond Leather, the SF Citadel, Mission Control, Center for Sex and Culture, the Exotic Erotic Ball, International Ms Leather, BayCon, COPE, Mischief in May, Folsom Fringe, and Cum & Glitter. They’ve also been featured on KinkAcademy.com, PassionateU.com, BehindKink, Discovery Channel’s Oddities, Skin Two, KinkUniversity, and in over half a dozen documentaries across the world.

For more from Stefanos & Shay, check out their bondage safety web site and the site for Twisted Windows, their kink performance event in San Francisco!

Shay also created a self-suspension web site! If you’d like to learn self-suspension, you can check out articles, video tutorials, and much more. Contact Shay for more information about self-suspension.

You can watch a video of one of our performances here

Stefanos was interviewed by Vice regarding Bondage-a-Go-Go and the SF kink scene — watch the interview here.

Interested in booking Stefanos & Shay to present or perform at your event? Contact us!

Be sure to check out their website too!

https://www.stefanosandshay.com/

Status

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Dominatrix: Mercenary Mistress
Photographer: Danny Stygion
Corset: FetCraft
MUA: Texas Dela Rosa
Shoes: Refuse To Be Usual
Location: Austin Dungeon

Hello everyone! Today we are going to talk about status and how it should not be the only thing one relies on to navigate who is “good” and “bad” in the lifestyle.

As humans we are constantly having so much info thrown our way every second of every day that it only makes sense that we come up with systems to try to sort through info. For example, a lot of job recruiters only will look at resumes with MBA’s or some people will only stay at hotels that are rated three stars or higher.

The same type of thinking and categorizing is often done in the BDSM/Kink Community. For instance, some will attach ethos to someone if they are a teacher in the community or have been in the lifestyle for over ten years or if a D-type has more than two subs. Everyone makes their own criteria as to what is “good and respectable.” However, while these technicalities can often guide someone in the right direction, they can also be a short cut to not fully reading the person or situation correctly or clearly.

Just because someone is a teacher does not mean they are presenting the most accurate info. Someone could also be in the lifestyle for twenty years and be practicing unsafe and unhealthy behaviors. The D-type with the two subs might not be not upholding a strong code of ethics.

My point is, is that things are not always what they seem and to make a sound judgment one should combine the technicalities and labels with more info. Anyone can call themselves a submissive or Dominant, but are they sticking to the code of ethics that we as a community expect them to live by?

It’s important to get to know one another as people too. The newbie could surprise you. This is why I don’t go solely by numbers and labels when navigating the community.

I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to judge someone solely by one fact (unless that fact is detrimental to one’s self, sanity, or safety in some way). When someone goes off of one fact, black and white thinking often begins to occur. People are either “good” or “bad” or “friend” or “enemy.” In my opinion, the world is too complex for these simple categories. Humans are often so many things, with so many sides.

Get to know them. Listen to them. Don’t judge a book by its cover. And don’t get so hung up on numbers.

There are always going to be those ego-driven people that want to puff out their chests and say “I have been a Mistress or Master for fifteen years, so you should bow to me” or “I have been a Kink Educator for thirty years this is the only way to do X or be Z.” I wouldn’t listen to those people. Time is not the only indicator of how knowledgeable someone is. People that discount other ways of doing things are only stunting their own growth in my opinion. And to me, this community and lifestyle is about discovery and growth.

With this being said, go out, make smart choices, make healthy friends, and enjoy yourselves in a safe, sane, and consensual manner!

As always feel free to comment and ask questions. Thanks for reading and stay tuned!

About the Author

Slave Bunny is the Creative Director of Kink Weekly. Along with being a part of the Kink Weekly team, she is proud to announce that she will be teaching Kink classes all over the Los Angeles area this year. She gratefully belongs to her wonderful Master/husband, and wears her collar with such immense joy.

With the help of her degree in Psychology and her career in the fitness industry, she has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink Community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

Interview with Max Candy

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Can you tell us a little about your background? How did you get your start in this line of work?

My life behind the camera started at the tender age of 13, when I got a job with the local newspaper, being paid the princely sum of five dollars per picture.  Ever since then, I’ve always found the camera my passport, my reason to be in the room, and as I’ve grown older and dare I say wiser, I started to examine what I’m seeing – as opposed to just witnessing it.

In terms of porn or “naughtiness” as I like to call it, I was originally creating promotional photos for exotic models/dancers in Vancouver as a hobby, but found they often did not show up or have the money to pay for pictures. So, I got the idea of asking them if I could turn it around, hire them, and post their photos online for custom work. It was 1996 and the orders blew up.

At the time, there were a lot of young and successful website operators with very deep pockets that had tried to call all the big adult brands with no luck. So, when they found me they became amazing customers.

What are your strengths as an artist? What are your weaknesses? How do you overcome them?

I think my biggest strengths are motivating other artists, working in a collaborative sense, and not being able to hold down a normal job even if I tried.

I think my biggest weaknesses are probably staying motivated, staying interested in something, and staying focused. ADD much?

The only way you can overcome these things is just to understand that all things, including time itself comes in waves. Sometimes you’re just down in the trough, well below sea level, but you have to keep knowing that the wave will surely build once more and as it does you will get to ride it again.

Are you a lifestyler as well? If so, how does this impact your work?

Yes, I’ve always been involved in the BDSM lifestyle. However, I was too in the heteronormative world or male-dominated / female submission realm, and didn’t really understand the full scope and beauty of Kink until I started filming my documentary “tOuch”

https://vimeo.com/256701994

What is the biggest challenge that comes with working in the Kink, Fetish, and BDSM Communities?

The same challenge I had to face in myself, having this notion that there somehow is one way of doing it, the way that you’re familiar with, and that other people are somehow doing it wrong.

It’s like that old joke “if you’re doing less than me you are vanilla; if you’re doing more than me then you’re a sick pervert.”

What is the greatest joy that comes from your work?

I think the greatest joy is having the work resonate with people and bring some pleasure on a larger scale. Also, just getting to do what I love. I find that people who are open about sex and BDSM are just more genuine and interesting to be around. They are allowing themselves to live a truly authentic life, which makes them more thrilling to engage with..

What new projects are you currently working on?

I’ve been working on the same documentary for the last three years, “tOuch BDSM.” It’s about the secrets of kink revealed by following four interesting people for the last three years.

When I was young my parents were shy when it came to talking about sex. They actually handed me a VHS videotape to explain it for them. My movie is the “tape” I plan to hand back to them to explain my world and love of BDSM.

What would you say is your overall goal? How does your work help to accomplish this?

My main goal is, and I think all good art has the same goal, is to try and open peoples’ minds a little bit.  To facilitate understanding and/or tolerance.

I love helping people become more open and realize that they are more than they thought.

What is the most exciting thing about filmmaking?

Starting a film and finishing a film.

Just kidding. I suppose it’s the adventure of meeting new people, going new places, and learning new things. It goes back to that idea of a camera being like a passport to new worlds

What is the most common misconception about how porn is made?

Probably the most common misconception is that somehow women are forced into it and are not doing it out of free will.

It’s true that there is an economic influence, and many people are doing it for purely economic reasons, but so many people do jobs for the money!

It’s just a shameless judgement society makes when people say sex work is not real work and/or is immoral in some way. Sorry, but building bombs is inherently more immoral than anything else.

What would you say is the overarching message that you want people to receive when viewing your work?

If you’re talking about porn I think it’s that there’s nothing dirty about sex, unless of course, you want it to be dirty. Then let it be dirty, dirty as hell!

If you’re talking about BDSM it is …

https://vimeo.com/227849599

What drives you to continue to make art?

I’m actually just a very curious soul. I love to explore, to play. I love to get paid to think about things and make things up. It’s just some sort of fundamental need I have. I guess I never grew up and do not want too.

What advice can you give to someone that wants to enter into this line of work?

If you want to be a filmmaker, a porn director, or whatever, don’t do it for the money; those days are long gone.

You have to figure out what drives you, what makes you happy. Forget about the money because if you worry about the money, your whole life will lose any chance of being happy.  Money may indeed lubricate things, but it is not The Thing. Remember that. Otherwise, you end up with lots of lube and nothing and no one to play with.

What is the most fulfilling thing(s) about your job?

Getting to do what I truly love to do-well, most of the time. Often it feels like I get to live several lives, which for me is wonderful feeling.

Any closing words?

Help! It’s a tough road to hoe, making a documentary that is. It is expensive and time-consuming. Please sign up for my newsletter and/or feel free to write me encouragement if you feel inclined. I am in the final editing stages and some days the notes from the community are the wind in my sails.

Thanks

MaxC

Max@tOuchBDSM.com

http://touchbdsm.us11.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=f45894473a8c5bb712710912c&id=d82c8fb027

Max’s Bio

Max Candy is a Dom, photographer, documentarian, multi-award winning erotic/porn film producer/director and, a generally curious soul.

He is currently consulting for Whiplr.com to assist with the development of their app for the Kink Community and filming a mainstream, no not erotica this time, BDSM-positive, documentary film for worldwide cable T.V. release.

Boisterous, adventurous, and unapologetic, he believes, life should be a work of art, and good art should be about inspiration born from constantly questioning and challenging the world around you, free from the suffocating worries of always being liked or trying to fit in all the time. This is why he loves the Kink Community- for its so many lovely and often misunderstood kindred spirits.

 

Interview with Submissive Cupcake SinClair

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Rico J Coria Photography

Can you tell us a little about your background and how you got your start in the Kink Community?

I was a bit of an introvert growing up and had more books than friends back in the day! One day, I stumbled across Marquis de Sade’s book “Justine” and  my curiousity was peaked! I did my research and never looked back. I went to munches, then play parties, and eventually was lucky enough to end up working at one of the dungeons I frequented.

Can you tell us what fulfills you most about being a professional submissive?

As cliché as it sounds, the ability to allow people to express parts of themselves they might have originally felt ashamed of, as well as being able to educate through communication and vulnerability.

What is the biggest challenge you face with your job?

Primarily, creating a space that allows people the ability to give themselves permission to just be. As a pro-sub, many of our clients tend not to be lifestylers (whether due to a busy job, or partner complications, etc). With this being said, allowing people the space to communicate their interests and desires in a healthy way can be a little tough because in our society opening up to people – especially to strangers-may seem like a daunting task. Before play, first and foremost, I strive to create an atmosphere where clients can feel free to express themselves if they allow me to do so.

Do you feel that pro submissives are more at risk safety-wise than pro Doms? What are some precautionary measures you always make sure to take?

I can only speak from my experience, and my experience in being a pro-submissive has always been within a specific dungeon I work at. At our dungeon, we always have a negotiation prior to actual play to establish one another’s limits and expectations of what will happen within play. During play, we use safe words if needed, the doors do not lock, and typically the receptionist will keep time of the sessions, and use an intercom system to give “last ten minute” notifications, which I have to verbally respond to as a check-in system. I can’t gauge risk overall because I personally have never felt at-risk, and it would be irresponsible for me to guess.

What are your specialties?

I’m a bit of a Jill-of-all-trades! My specialty is being so versed in kink personally that I am able to take on the energy my partner desires in a scene, make it my own, and have fun! Some have told me, however, that I stand out in the areas of Ageplay Roleplay (DDLG, and ABDL) as well as petplay, impact, and protocol.

Do you find that pro submissives are rarer than other kinds of professionals in the Kink Community?

That’s an interesting question! Within the Kink Community I don’t believe so. However, when dealing with those who may not be in the community, pro-submissives are definitely considered a rarity. Mainstream television is filled with portrayals, interviews, and scenarios about Dominatrixes, so, when I mention that I’m a pro sub (and that pro-switches exist) most people initially have a hard time wrapping their head around it!

Do your own fetishes factor into your work? If so, how?

Partially! I’m lucky enough to be a pretty versatile play partner. So, apart from about three hard limits, I’m typically able to take on the energy that a client wants from me, make it my own, and find it enjoyable! That being said, it’s also useful because if a client comes in who is apprehensive or simply uncertain about certain fetishes, I can add my personal experience of engaging in it to make the experience relatable, and hopefully encourage them to feel open enough to explore it together with me. It’s amazing how often people fantasize about fetishes, but may be scared to act them out once they find a willing partner in real life, and I feel grateful that I’m able to help people through it.

Are you a lifestyler as well? If so, how do you separate your work and private life? Do you identify as a submissive in your personal life?

I’m definitely a lifestyler, and I do identify as submissive all around! The only time I will ever really “top” is for educational purposes, or in videos when I have a specific idea and don’t have a top available. Submissive doesn’t necessarily mean doormat though!

In terms of separating what I do in my professional life, there isn’t much of a clear line. However, the most concrete example I can think of is through my play style. While I’m a versatile sub and genuinely enjoy playing off of my partner’s energy for scenes, I do personally enjoy rougher, more intense scenes that push my limits as a masochist. What I am talking about tends to involve blood, (one example being that my favorite toy is literally a barbed wire bat named Lucille), and usually includes psychological manipulation. This cannot happen in a professional scene. Another example may be that in professional sessions there is more of a regard for my client, their experience, and their catharsis over mine – whereas, in my personal play it may be the opposite.

What is the most fun aspect of your job?

Being able to facilitate a variety of fetishes in one day! It’s so much fun having clients come in, and going from fetish to fetish through the span of a work day! It never gets dull and I’m always on my toes.

What do you feel your clients gain from sessions with you? What is unique about what you can offer your clients?

As cliché as it sounds, I feel my clients can gain the confidence to explore and communicate their fetishes with their partners or by themselves. I suppose I am unique in that there’s not many fetishes or kinks that I’m not versed in. Because I’m a huge kinkster as well, I can happily provide the space for clients to become educated,  be encouraged, and feel comfortable enough to explore.

Do you feel you have grown personally from being a pro submissive? If so, how? Have your clients grown from sessions with you? If so, how?

Quite so! If clients learned from me and I learned nothing back it would be such a stagnant process. I feel I’ve personally grown in my ability to establish boundaries, communicate effectively, and facilitate negotiations that cover a wide basis in order to prepare both parties, and help create a more comfortable experience. And I hope that my clients learn the same, along with (if needed) how to safely engage in different aspects of BDSM play.

What would you say is the best advice you can offer those looking to be a pro submissive?

For those seeking to be a professional submissive, please have a gauge of what you are into as well as your limits. If you’re uncertain about certain areas of kink, don’t be afraid to speak up and acknowledge them when negotiating with a client – or if you’re able to try it on your own, do so! Not having a firm idea of your boundaries and interests not only does you a disservice, it does the client one as well!

What is the best advice you can give to those wanting to find a pro submissive?

Please be respectful of boundaries, and research the submissive you are interested in seeing! Just like every person, we all have our own unique specialties and limits, and are not one size fits all. That being said, while not always necessary, an idea of what you were hoping to experience always helps, so, when negotiating the submissive has a better idea of the scene, and is less likely to feel caught off guard. Also, don’t be afraid if you haven’t the slightest clue of what you want! It’s natural to be nervous, but rest assured there is a desire to help make your fetishes come to life as much as possible, and there is no judgement.

What do you love the most about working at Sanctuary?

The sense of family and closeness to community! I don’t have much of a bio family. Because of this, being able to have a chosen family that I can work, grow, and learn with is an opportunity I never would have dreamed of. It literally is a sanctuary!

How do your core values govern your professional and personal life concerning kink?

I go by two values:

The first is “The 4Cs” created by The Center for Positive Sexuality – “Consent, Communication, Caring, and Caution”

The second is more prevalent in the kink community and it is RACK – “Risk, Aware, Consensual, Kink”

Both of them are important and powerful values when combined. The 4Cs apply greatly to my professional kink work, while RACK is powerful for my personal kink life. In professional kink work, following the 4Cs can be a great guide in helping to enhance a scene and making it as meaningful as possible -with all parties aware of boundaries and needs while doing so.

What do you feel is the most important thing to remember concerning power exchange?

In my opinion, in a power exchange it is important to remember that Dominant does not mean asshole (unless consented to), and submissive does not mean doormat (unless consented to)! And even then, joking aside, those terms can be interpreted differently from person to person! Power exchanges can only take place when both parties give consent for it to occur, and are aware of one another’s expectations, boundaries, and needs while doing so.

Any closing words?

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to share my perspective! If people are interested in seeing me in action, but are too far to play with me at Sanctuary Studios LAX, I have a kinky clip store that showcases a variety of  fetishes that I am into, along with things I may not be available to do in person (www.clips4sale.com/97659). I am also on twitter @subbie_cupcake! Thank you again for your time!

About Submissive Cupcake SinClair

Cupcake SinClair is a lifestyle and professional submissive of 5+ years at Sanctuary LAX, who has also participated in performance bottoming for fetish oriented parties (such as the monthly Club Anarchy Parties hosted by Sanctuary, DomCon LA 2015, and Threshold’s Kinky Valentine party). Whether it is heavy impact, an intense rope scene, role play, or service and high protocol oriented submission, she enjoys a wide variety of play that pushes and explores her limits, and particularly enjoys participating in community events to better learn about the diverse lifestyle she plays within.
Be sure to check out her website: https://cupcake-sinclair.wixsite.com/sinfullysweet

How To Kink Without BDSM

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Hello everyone!

I was recently inspired by my own M/s dynamic to write this article. For many of us in the lifestyle, it IS standard to practice BDSM.

However, a lot of individuals think of kink as encompassing solely BDSM. When in reality, there are so many other ways “to kink.” Of course, BDSM is one way to participate in the lifestyle, but I think it’s important for readers to know about other ways to stay kinky-especially for those that know that BDSM isn’t their thing or for those that have limitations that keep them from practicing BDSM.

To me, a kink is a thing/fetish that deviates from what one would of think of when thinking of conventional sex (missionary sex, making out, fingering, blowjobs, eating out, etc.) You know, the “regular vanilla progression” of what one thinks of. With this being said, kink can also include actions that do not directly relate to sex (such as peeing on a partner), certain phrases (for example: good girl, bad boy, calling someone Mistress), an agreed upon power exchange structure (such as D/s, M/s, Big/little etc.). It doesn’t just involve impact, canes, whips, choking, and flogging-although all of these are quite prevalent in the community. To me, kink is all about an alternative way of doing things that deviates from the “vanilla norm.”

Even though my Master and I do use paddles, floggers, belts, practice breath play, wax play, and water sports, these are not the main things that drive our kinky relationship. At our relationship’s core and what makes us the most kinky (in my opinion) are the honorifics we use, the fact that we live by Rack rules (Risk Aware Consensual Kink), that I have agreed to make myself sexually available for my Master at all times, how our sex is geared towards his pleasure and the use of me to make sure he obtains climax, how we speak to each other, our use of rituals and slave positions, my Master having complete control over my schedule/time/life, the fact that my Master has complete control over my orgasms, our love of lingerie, sleekness, and how we dabble in the Daddy/little realm.

And none of these include any sort of impact, but yet to me, they are certainly kinky things that go beyond vanilla sex. The fact that my Master can point and I hop to and get on my knees to pleasure him, the fact he calls me his “good girl” and gives me specific, sexual instructions, the fact that I am his property and have given him the power to do whatever he would like with me at any moment, and the fact that I have multiple tattoos dedicated to him that all pay homage to our dynamic are all things that relate to our kink. So do my stuffies, my little persona, and our use of high protocol. The fact I have to ask permission to go anywhere, again, is part of our kinky journey.

Now, not all of these things turn us on. It’s not like he gets close to coming when I ask to see my best friend for lunch and he tells me yes or no, but I am merely suggesting that these things should be considered just as much a part of the community as flogging or caning because they are a huge part of a lot of power exchange dynamics. We live in a world where it’s common for people to want to be their “own person,” or think they should be at least. So having to ask permission definitely goes against the status quo. It’s an alternative lifestyle and should be considered as much a part of kink as any act one might see in the dungeon. Negotiation may or may not turn someone on, but it is still paramount before having a scene with someone, and should be considered just as as much a part of the kinky process as any sexual act relating to BDSM.

Just the act of yielding/giving power to someone and/or taking control consensually over someone is a form of kink, at least in my opinion-even if you aren’t into any kind of BDSM or have any obvious fetish.

My point is that there are so many ways to kink and they all should be celebrated! You are just as kinky if you are in an agreed upon power exchange that doesn’t play in a dungeon and sticks to more vanilla sexual activities as the experienced flogger that has five play partners and practices BDSM at nearly every play party.

The community has such a wide spectrum of fetishes, kinks, and lifestyles, and it’s important to include the less practiced ones into our definition of the lifestyle.

I think it’s rather easy to look around at a dungeon, see various things happening from room to room, and think to yourself, “Oh, to be kinky I have to do x,y, and z.” But that is clearly not the case.

To be in the lifestyle, you can play at a dungeon, at home, or not at all. To be a kinkster you can just like the idea of consent, communication, power exchange, and negotiation without ever taking a spanking or holding a single-tail.

Again, it’s all about an alternative lifestyle that differs from what the Vanilla World is practicing. What matters is that you hold the values of the community at large- acceptance, consent, transparency, respecting boundaries, negotiation, clear expectations, and respect.

If you’re on-board with that, then, you have found the right place to be yourself and find what you want out of life, relationships, self growth, and play.

I think all of us need to be as inclusive as possible and widen our definition even further of the Kink Community. This expansion can only happen if people are informed of other ways to be in the lifestyle.

Here is a short list of some other ways to kink not yet mentioned in the article that do not include BDSM. These can be paired with BDSM if one wishes though.

Exhibitionsim

Ball worship

Latex/Latex Outfits

Diaper Play/Baby Play

Boot Worshipping/Bootblacking

Leather/Leather Outfits

Watersports/Scat Play

Role Playing

Animal/Pet Play

Humiliation

Foot worship

Blindfolding

Sensation Play/Sensory Deprivation

Pussy Worship

Pegging/Strap ons

As always, please feel free to ask questions and comment. Thanks for reading and stay tuned!

About the Author

Slave Bunny is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master/ husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

Along with being a part of the Kink Weekly team, she will be teaching kink classes all over the Los Angeles area this year and organizing events.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink Community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming events and classes.

Interview with Master Anthony and slave Robin

By 3 Comments

What are the main core values that you structure your dynamic around?

Master Anthony: Transparency. Integrity.

slave Robin: Protecting the property, which is the relationship and each other.

How can these values be observed in your dynamic and behaviors?

Master Anthony: For myself, I try very hard to do what I say I am going to do to. To be a man of my word. To live up to what I say and that’s my integrity.

slave Robin: For me, no matter what the situation is, I too always tried to live up to being a person of my word, but also to never embarrass Master in public by my behavior or lack thereof ever. Transparency would be that if by chance I should do that, I would be the very first person to raise my hand and tell him that it has been done.

Master Anthony: We’re both transparent with each other. We talk to each other a lot about what’s going on with ourselves and with each other. When there are any problems or issues coming up, we spent a lot of time talking about that.

slave Robin: We are also very transparent with the community. You can ask me anything and I’m going to give you an honest answer. May not be an answer you like, but it’ll be an honest one.

What is the biggest benefit you get from being M/s?

Master Anthony: The biggest benefit is that I have somebody that I can be 100 percent truthful and honest with, and I don’t have to hide. I don’t have to worry. I don’t have to second guess. There’s always doubts that come up because we’re human and that happens. However, when this does happen, I remind myself of who she is and who I am and forge ahead anyway. Having open, honest communication and an honest relationship removes a lot of the guesswork that I have found, in my experience, to be present in other types of relationships.

slave Robin: For me, being able to be truthful, honest, and who we are with each other gives me the feeling of belonging and normalcy; I couldn’t ask for a deeper, more fulfilling relationship than what I have.

What is the biggest challenge, in your opinion, about being M/s? How do you deal with this challenge?

Master Anthony: For me, I think the biggest challenge is being open and honest all the time.

At times, it can be very scary, and there are times when you really don’t want to talk. We’ve found the times you don’t want to talk, are the times you most have to be open and honest.

slave Robin: We’re also parents, and blended parents. When you bring the kids into the equation, the dynamic becomes a little more difficult. So, I would say having a blended family and having to deal with that is the biggest challenge for me.

Do you use protocols and rituals? If so, can you give us a couple of examples?

Master Anthony: We have a ritual that we developed to help remind us of the relationship we are in and how we choose to live our lives. Every evening before bed I offer her her collar, and ask her if she wishes to continue to be in my service. After she answers (assuming she says “yes”), I put her collar on her. In the morning, before we part for the day, we have another ritual similar to that one. I offer her her collar. During this morning ritual, we are again reminded of who we are and the type of dynamic that we’ve chosen to live in. So, we have these as a bookend to both ends of our day to help us stay in touch with that.

slave Robin: We have a protocol for when we’re uncomfortable, which is a safeword that each of us can use, which is “hold me”. This alerts the other one in any scenario, any time, anywhere that there’s an issue. We also have specific rituals regarding how our days should start, what it’s supposed to look like, the things I’m supposed to do in the morning before he goes to work. For example, I make sure his coffee is ready, the way he likes it, his breakfast is ready to go with him, and I make sure that he is prepared for work.

I also have to check in with him during the day. It grounds us both and reminds us of the dynamic that we’re in. If I should happen to miss the check in time, due to my job, the protocol is I then either have to write a love letter or take an indecent photo in the bathroom at work.

If you do use protocols and rituals, what is the main reason you have them? How do they enhance your dynamic?

Master Anthony: I want to go back and touch on the getting up in the morning protocol, which has just started because I’d gotten really used to her getting up with me in the morning. Then, one morning she didn’t get up. I started to get a little bit upset and irritated. I realized later, she didn’t even hear me get up or anything. Here I was getting all flustered and upset over nothing at all. So, we set up this protocol that it is now my responsibility to make certain she actually wakes up, and that she lets me know whether or not there’s some overwhelming reason she can’t get up that morning, but so far that hasn’t happened.

So here was this little irritant that could have started a fight, but didn’t because we just made a protocol out of it, and said “okay, this is the way it’s going to be.” And now we don’t ever have to worry about that situation again.

slave Robin: Our protocol of using a safeword to let one another know we’re distressed helps to avoid conflict and trauma; we each are able to get our needs met when they need to be met.

Do you have a contract or some kind of written document? Why or why not?

slave Robin: I don’t think we could survive without a contract. Because I’m so grounded in reality, very analytical, and I’m always the planner, I have to be able to know what this is going to look like. So, we use a contract to spell out everything. Our contract encompasses our personal health, our mental well being. It encompasses high protocol settings, low protocol settings, playtime with others, relationships with others.

Master Anthony: The contract is a living document that represents a living relationship that grows and changes. So, the document itself can grow and change as needed. Every couple years or so we add in the changes that we made, print it out, and resign it. It makes things simpler. You know what the rules are.

slave Robin: Contracts evolve over time. The one you start with today is not going to be the same one you need five years from now.

If so, what does your contract look like?

Master Anthony: As far as how our contract looks, I am very familiar with contractual language. Being familiar with it, that’s how I wrote it. It’s very cut and dry. It’s written in a very technical kind of contractual pros.

slave Robin: The reason we did that was because it holds you accountable to your word. It’s black and white. You agreed to this. You signed your name. You said these are the things you would do, and I said these are the things I would do, and we’re clear on that. There’s no question about what is supposed to be or how it’s supposed to be. If changes need to happen, that’s a different discussion, and that can become an addendum. But, you can’t say, “oh, well, I just decided to do x, y, and, z ,and figured we’d stick that in the contract later.” No, that doesn’t work.

Where do you feel is the best place for newbies to start their journey into M/s and/or into the Kink Community?

Master Anthony: Munches and social events to get to know people. Classes for education and to get to know people and network. There’s absolutely wrong with going to a dungeon by yourself. I think for the average woman in American society a dungeon is by far, for the most part, a safer place than say your neighborhood bar. Because a woman may have to say “no” to the same guys 30 times in a bar. At most, you’ll have to say “no” to some guy twice in a dungeon. And after that the guy is 86’d.

slave Robin:There’s always the protection of people who are around that are watching out for you in the dungeon. You don’t have that at a bar.

Master Anthony: There’s also nothing wrong with going to a dungeon by yourself to watch other people play because you might see something that really turns you on that looks interesting. I don’t think there’s anything at all wrong with pickup play either.

Also, don’t sit on the sidelines. Actually become a part of the community. The amount of wisdom and support and love available in the community cannot be understated.

When I first came in the community, I saw there was a common story. I always thought there was something wrong with me. That I was broken. Maybe 15 minutes into my very first munch event I realized that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. I’m perfectly normal. I just never met other people like me or at least knowingly met other people like me. That was hugely affirming for me.

I know you both are title holders. Can you please tell us more about that experience and the impact (hopefully positive) it had on your relationship?

Master Anthony: Very positive.

slave Robin: You grow in ways you can’t even imagine. You meet the most amazing people who know you’re out trying to help them and surprisingly you get so much more back than it’s possible to say. It’s really an honor to be received as the representative for your community, but it’s even more than that. It’s so fulfilling that it’s hard to put into words. For us, not only did it strengthen our dynamic, but it also made us look at our dynamic more critically and make adjustments to things that maybe might have taken longer to see.

Master Anthony: I would say for us running for the Master/slave title really allowed us to focus all of our time and all of our energy on our dynamic, on our relationship, on each other, which was fabulous.

slave Robin: I think it really boils down to you take away from it what you put in. If you don’t give it your all, you’re not going to get as much back. And just because your peers have agreed to have you represent them does not make you all knowing. There are some people who think because you have a stash or because you have a title, it means you must know everything or some people flip it and say because I have it I know everything. That’s really not true. It is an overwhelming feeling to go from being a pervert to somehow respectable. With this being said, it just depends on how you as a person choose to handle it.

What do you feel is the best way to structure honest communication in the midst of a power exchange dynamic?

slave Robin: You have to be truthful and honest. When you’re not, especially as a slave, it can be manipulative. However, it’s not always intentional. It just ends up happening that way because if a Master doesn’t have the full information, how can they make a decision on anything that’s only partly conveyed to them?

Master Anthony: We were given some very good advice by Guy Baldwin. She didn’t want to bother me with little problems that she felt she could handle all on her own. And Guy said, “Oh, so you only want to bother him with the really hard crap. You don’t want to give him little things are easy to handle?”

slave Robin: The truth is it’s hard to be transparent. It takes practice and it takes constant inward reflection. It’s not about an argument; it’s about a discussion and making sure you can have those discussions even when you don’t want to.

In your experience what helps keeps your M/s structure in tact when vanilla problems strike?

slave Robin: You have to be flexible at times. For example, since we are 24/7 when he’s sick, I can’t expect him to master me. Your have to be realistic in your expectations of the protocols you set up. It’s all wonderful in theory. But what really matters is the application of it. You have to recognize the difference between what’s romanticized and what’s not.

Master Anthony: You’re in a relationship with somebody who grows and changes as you grow and change yourself. So, the relationship grows and changes, therefore, the dynamic has to grow and change as well.

slave Robin: It comes down to working around whatever the barriers are, and putting forth the effort to maintain and make sure that the dynamic is what takes charge and stays there. He mastered me from from China. He was in China and I was in Mexico and we did our collaring ritual every single day over Skype.

In regards to having children- Can you offer some advice on how to keep your M/s lifestyle and kink lifestyle alive while having/raising kids?

slave Robin: The dynamic always has to come first and there always has to be a discussion. You have to learn to tell your children ” just a minute” or “I’ll get back to you”; it can’t be on their time schedule. It has to be on the dynamic. Otherwise, you may end up saying, “sure, you can do that” and then Master may say, “wait a minute, why’d you agree to that?” Again, you always have to put the dynamic first.

I believe that children should be empowered in any aspect they choose to be. Being truthful and honest needs to be about age appropriateness, and you also have to consider the ramifications to the children. Other children can be horrible to one another. You also have to be careful that your child isn’t telling somebody else’s child something that the other parents didn’t agree to. So, that’s why I’m a big believer in age appropriateness. Also, not everything has to be made as clear to a child. You don’t have to lie to a child, but you certainly don’t have to bring up things that they wouldn’t normally be asking either.

Master Anthony: They don’t have to know everything. Nobody wants to know how their parents have sex.

Any closing thoughts?

slave Robin: Good luck! I hope everyone is lucky enough to find what I have. I consider myself very blessed.

Master Anthony: That goes for me too.

About Master Anthony and slave Robin

Master Anthony and slave Robin began their exploration of Master/slave in 2011 after attending their first Butchmann’s experience together. Their dynamic evolved to 24/7 when they began sharing a home together along with their (combined) five children, at least one of whom is active in the Los Angeles kink community. They married in October 2013 and continued to refine their dynamic. Together, they hold both the 2016 and current 2018 Southern California Master/slave title and now travel, present, provide service to their community, and generally have a really great time!

They host the Sherman Oaks Munch in Los Angeles, which, with well over two hundred guests a month, is one of the largest monthly socials on the West Coast and an important entry point for many people brand new to the Los Angeles community.

Interview with Kirsten from Chronic Sex

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Can you tell us a little about your background? How did you get involved in this line of work?

I’ve been disabled/chronically ill since I was five years old. Throughout high school, I was that friend who would go with friends to Planned Parenthood and talk to them about their sex lives or being risk-aware.

 

How did Chronic Sex come about?

In college, I studied world religions, history, and politics while writing a blog about what it was like to be invisibly disabled. After a few years of writing, organizations and companies got interested in what I was saying. I would occasionally write about how my health was affecting my sex life – those posts continue to get a good amount of traffic. In 2015, I went to a conference where Lucky Tomazeck of Tool Shed Toys talked about sex education. At this conference, I was really surprised to learn how much people didn’t know about chronic illness and disability regarding sex. Because of the lack of information out there, I started Chronic Sex later that year.

 

What is Chronic Sex’s mission statement? How does Chronic Sex go about accomplishing this?

The Chronic Sex tagline is ‘because sexuality doesn’t depend on ability.’ I really want CS to be a resource for people to learn more about disability, sexuality, relationships, and more. I believe that sex (at least in part) is about how we treat ourselves and others. With this being said, a big part of what I talk about is self-love and self-care. While most of the work is on the site, I also host the Chronic Sex podcast and social media chats about these topics when I’m not traveling to host workshops or trying to learn how to rest.

 

How does your work relate to kink?

I’m a bit of a newbie with kink. That said, I think there’s something to be gained from learning with someone as they document their journey. By sharing how kink helps with my chronic pain, I’ve been able to inspire other people to try kink out to see if it’s something that might help them.

 

Is kink a part of your life? If so, has it helped you in any way?

It’s a big part of my life, but not in a conventional way. A conference I went to had a kink exhibition that I was really interested in attending. I wound up spending a lot of time at the impact play station. After being flogged, caned, and whipped, one of my chronic pain conditions – fibromyalgia – stopped being so painful. At this time, I was in the middle of a flare-up (or a period of exacerbated/worsened symptoms) and was in so much pain that it hurt to wear clothing. After the impact play at the conference, I had complete relief for about six weeks and have had lesser symptoms since getting a flogger myself.

 

What are your goals going forward with combining your personal life and/or Chronic Sex with kink/kink education?

The biggest thing I want to do is show just how helpful kink can be. For me, it can be super sexy and fun or something I schedule into my week as a part of my pain management plan. I’ve met so many other people who use kink as a form pain management or even like therapy as well. In short, I want to help the lift the stigma surrounding kink.

 

How has being queer affected your worldview?

It’s helped me to become much more of an activist. I understand things like privilege and marginalization so much better because of the interactions of my identities such as queer and disabled. Most of all, it’s helped me find my people. There is nowhere else I’d rather be than with my queer and disabled pals. We get each other in ways no one else can, and also can help others understand us better when we work together.

 

To you, what does being queer mean? How does it differ from other identifiers in the LGBTQ Community?

Being queer isn’t just a sexual orientation. If I were to specifically name my sexuality, I would say that I am pansexual (or that gender doesn’t factor into who I’m attracted to). I’m genderfluid. That means that I’m non-binary and don’t really have a specific gender expression (or dress masculine versus feminine). To me, being queer encompasses not only both of those identities, but also my disabilities and politics. As someone who isn’t happy to hide my identities for the comfort of others, I tend to be happy subverting the system and making people question their assumptions.

 

Do you believe that there is a known overlap between the LGBTQ Community and Kink Community? If so, what is the overlap? What about for the Disabilities Community?

Absolutely! I think there are a lot of people who don’t necessarily think about these overlaps or realize they exist – but they do. If someone has a chronic illness, that can be considered a disability depending on how they identify. That means someone with asthma, autoimmune illnesses, or cancer might call themselves disabled. I would say that it’s relatively impossible that someone doesn’t know a kinkster who could be disabled. The same definitely goes for the LGBTQ+ community.

 

Do you find that a decent amount of individuals with disabilities are also interested in kink and BDSM? If so, how can the Kink Community make kink and BDSM more accessible to them?

There are definitely a lot of us who are disabled and into kink. A few things to keep in mind:
– Not all disabilities are visible.
– Accessibility needs can include wheelchair access, low/no-scent policy, and being mindful of allergies among many other things.
– Don’t make assumptions about a person’s ability to consent to something without having a conversation with them. Many disabled people wind up being infantilized or made to feel like a child. Part of this is due to the  assumption that we don’t engage in kink or that we’re automatically asexual. Many of us are, but many of us are proud and queer and kinky sluts too.

 

What is your personal motto? How does your work in sex education and writing reflect this?

My motto is ‘Do no harm but take no shit.’ It plays into how I interact with everything in the world. Is X company promoting ableism (discrimination against disabled peeps), other bigotry, or harmful misinformation? If so, I’m going to call it out and point out the issues with it.

 

What would you say is your greatest goal at large? How do you want to go about accomplishing this?

I want people to know that they’re worthy of having amazing relationships and mind-blowing sex no matter what disabilities they have and/or challenges they face! So often many of us forget this due to self-esteem or other issues. Once we realize we deserve more, we can work towards getting that.

 

What new projects/endeavors are you currently working on? How will these benefit the communities at large?

One thing I’m working on at the end of this summer is a literature review of research around kink and chronic pain. There is some out there, but it’s not easily accessible. I’m hoping that pulling information together will help more people gain access and start thinking of kink outside of the box. I’m also hoping it leads to lessening the stigma around kink as well as giving other disabled pals an idea of something that might help them.

 

Why do you feel that sex education is so imperative? What do you feel needs to be talked about more?

I feel like a big part of it is that we need to normalize sex – and not just sex, but good sex. Despite all that I know about sex, I still find myself falling into ideas like it’s normal to have painful sex – and it isn’t. The more we talk about sex and dispel the misinformation around it, the more we can take steps to have better sex – and take care of ourselves.

 

In your opinion, what is the biggest stereotype concerning sex, kink, LGBTQ, disabilities, etc. that needs to be dispelled?

The biggest thing that goes across all of these categories is that it’s never okay to assume things about others. Someone who is queer may not love to wear rainbow gear. A disabled person may not ‘look’ like they’re disabled. Kinksters might be goths or soccer moms. The only way we can learn about other people is through communication- not judgment based on appearances.

 

Any closing thoughts?

I’m so grateful to be able to share these ideas and what I’m working on. Hopefully, people find something helpful within it!

About Kirsten

Kirsten Schultz is a sex educator and writer. Through their work as a queer disability activist, they have earned a reputation for tearing down barriers while mindfully causing constructive trouble. They know how hard it can be to live a full life while dealing with health issues, so that’s why they work most closely with people living with chronic illness or disability, helping them to rediscover their lives after diagnosis.
Kirsten has worked with organizations all around the world, including Healthline, Pfizer, and the Arthritis Foundation. In addition, their work has been featured in articles from publications such as US News, Broadly, HelloFlo, Bustle, and Everyday Health.
Kirsten holds an MS in Healthcare Administration from Utica College. You can learn more about them and their work at chronicsex.org and on Twitter @chronicsexchat.
Links:
www.chronicsex.org – Chronic Sex
kirstenschultz.org – writing site
facebook.com/chronicallysexy – Chronic Sex on Facebook
twitter.com/chronicsexchat – Chronic Sex on Twitter
instagram.com/chronic_self_love – Chronic Sex on Instagram
pinterest.com/chronicsex – Chronic Sex on Pinterest

 

How BDSM Can Help PTSD

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Photo by slave boy julia (sjstudio1.com)

Those who suffer from PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder) often make choices that are unhealthy and/or dangerous due to low self esteem, picking the demon they know rather than the unknown, panic/panic attacks, and/or thinking they deserve nothing more than to continue traumatic experiences.

People often self sabotage, get back with unhealthy exes, pick abuse over breaking free, practice unsafe sex practices, cater to their addictions, and many other damaging scenarios, to blot out the pain that they are feeling, to minimize the flashbacks, to not feel the weight of being abused/traumatized.

They often continue this unhealthy cycle of sweeping their torment under the rug, and hoping that it will magically go away on its own. However, it does not work like that. Normally things left undealt with only increase in size over time, and often become too large and overwhelming to be handled healthily without professional help.

Our demons are always there; it’s our job to find a way to healthily and effectively deal with them before they devour us, and/or before they have grown too powerful to take on.

I have found that BDSM can help break this cycle. Before I found BDSM, and before I met my Master, I would deal with my pain in all sorts of unhealthy ways-unhealthy dating patterns, unhealthy sex patterns, operating on low self esteem and abandonment issues alone. My self worth was very low due to the family and sexual trauma I had experienced.

I was caught in this vicious cycle of making myself the victim, and creating this webbed mess that always needed to be cleaned up. It seemed I just couldn’t get on the straight and narrow because of the pain that lived inside of me.

But through playing with my Master and being my Master’s slave, I have been shown that there is a healthy way to deal with the pain. Now, I also go to therapy, see a psychiatrist, read a lot of self-help books, exercise five times a week, communicate with my Master about these issues daily, and part of our contract is dedicated to my recovery. With this being said, I am saying that our BDSM has helped my PTSD, but I am in NO WAY saying it should be the only thing one uses to get over their traumas. However, it can be used as a coping strategy and trust builder for those that have been seriously wounded in tandem with other methods like the ones listed above.

PTSD can generate a lot of fear and feelings of general distrust. I used to fear that everyone would hurt me. Through our BDSM play, I have been show that even though my Master is inflicting consensual “pain” on me, I am still loved, and he would never actually hurt me. Every time we engage in breath play, he’s never actually trying to damage my windpipes. When we practice spanking, hitting, slapping, flogging, or any other form of impact it is for our enjoyment, and never for harm’s sake. My Master actually has mentioned on countless occasions that if I did not enjoy being a masochist, he would not want to continue being a sadist.

When I am objectified, called a slut, whore, sex toy, it is coming from the love that we have in our dynamic. It is consented to and appreciated. It is never coming from an abusive or non-consensual place.

After we engage in play, we always lie with another, talk about how much we mean to one another, and relive the scene we had just created. We often talk about things we liked and what we want to do again. If anything were to occur that we didn’t like we would talk about that too (However, this rarely happens since my Master knows me very well). It is so relieving to feel him close to me, holding me.

The trust, care, love, and respect make these actions satisfying, and help to heal any wounds made by others that once upon a time did these things to me non-consensually, and without any rendition of love, care, respect, or trust.

I have found that it is not the action that is traumatizing, it is the intent, core value(s), and virtue(s) driving it.

BDSM and the values of the Kink/BDSM Community can provide a safe space to work through our traumas in a healthy and safe manner. In my opinion, that why’s rape play exists. That’s why impact play is even a thing. That’s why so many of us love getting consensually choked, whipped, caned, bit, etc.

Someone with PTSD who has been raped might go out looking to relive that experience (these types of motives are usually in the unconscious or subconscious mind), which will most likely be much more damaging than it is worth. This situation is not in a controlled environment, and pretty much anything could happen. Instead, this person could go to a safe space, and reenact what happened/act out what they want to happen safely with a trusted friend or partner (to help work through their traumas). In this situation, it is controlled, and if someone reaches their threshold or is about to, they can always use their safe word. Real life, unfortunately, does not always work that way.

I cannot stress how paramount a controlled environment is when working through our traumas. That’s one reason why people go to therapists’ offices.

Also, at a dungeon there are DMs. So, if things were to become too much, you can always flag them down.

Safety is key. Safety with partners, location, and action. Safety mixed with consistency leads to trust, which will lead to PTSD not having such a hold on you.

In time, as trust builds, you will begin to see a different, positive side of these actions that were once only viewed as the most detrimental thing that could happen. You will begin to see people not as vessels that could hurt you. You will learn that the world is not out to get you and neither are most individuals that cross your path.

Please note, do not engage in BDSM relating to your traumas until you are sure you can handle it and are ready. Always respect your own timing. There’s no shame in waiting. If you are going to engage in play relating to your PTSD/traumas, who you play with should know of these traumas, limits should be talked about/respected, and safe words should be decided. If you find that you were not as ready as you thought after the scene has started, please stop the scene using your safe word(s). It’s never a good idea to force anything, especially when dealing with something so painful.

I would say that even if you are engaging in play that does not directly relate to your traumas, the above should be followed. And of course even if you do not have PTSD and have no apparent traumas, limits, boundaries, and safe words should always be discussed and agreed upon (unless you do not use safe words, but that is an entirely different article).

I think it’s also important to reflect on all scenes-especially the ones relating to your traumas that you are trying to work through. Perhaps journaling could really help with this. Introspection after any scene is essential in my opinion. Introspection leads to understanding and understanding leads to growth. Growth leads to change.

I have found that APRI really helps too. These steps can be done on your own, with a trusted friend/family member, a partner, or therapist. 

Address- Address what happened. What caused your PTSD?

Process- Process the feelings and behaviors that stemmed from the incident or incidents. Notice any unhealthy behavioral patterns.

Resolve-Try to let whatever is traumatizing you go. This is the hardest step and could involve multiple steps and methods to complete. BDSM being one possible method. Make amends with yourself and others (if appropriate and possible). Think of ways that you could make your life more fulfilled, happier, and healthier.

Integrate- Integrate what you have learned thus far concerning your PTSD, yourself, and the traumatic incident. Make a plan of action and rules for yourself that you can follow and will follow based on the new knowledge you have gained. This will allow you to not only let go of the PTSD and your trauma(s), but become a healthier person in general.

Again, please note that there are countless ways to cope with traumas, pain, PTSD, and anxiety. I am merely providing a few coping strategies for one to ponder. I hope you have found this article helpful, and please reach out for more information.

As always, feel free to comment and ask questions. Thanks for reading and stay tuned!

About the Author

Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

Along with being a part of the Kink Weekly team, she will be teaching kink classes all over the Los Angeles area this year and organizing events.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink Community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming events and classes.