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Wry

Chris Cornell and Auto-erotic Asphyxiation

May 22, 2017 By Wry 5 Comments

A note from the editor: Auto-erotic asphyxiation or breath play is in our opinion a form of edge play and should be used with caution. Please seek the mentorship of someone experienced in this type of play before attempting on your own.

Kinkshaming kills, folks.

A lot of suicides via “hanging” are in fact auto-erotic asphyxiation gone awry, especially in teenage years or later in life, when mistakes are more likely to happen. Unintentional suicide is still ruled as a suicide by a coroner, just to clarify that the cause of death was neither natural nor homicide. The yearly numbers in America seem to range from 100 to 1000 per year, but it’s still too much.

Two major cases in the news yesterday:
“A child in a New Jersey school has died as a result of the ‘choking game’ where kids seek a euphoric high by briefly stopping oxygen from reaching the brain, a school superintendent says. In the letter sent earlier this week, Superintendent of Schools Nick Markarian wrote that “one of the tragic losses of student life we have experienced this year” was the result of the game, which is also known as “space monkey,” “fainting game” and “flatliner.” In the choking game, people strangle themselves to achieve euphoria through brief hypoxia, a lack of oxygen to the brain.”

Many families are too embarrassed to admit the truth and insist that the press respect their privacy. That embarrassment perpetuates the problem: it leads people to being secretive and unsafe, in the closet about their kink. Society would benefit from the warning and awareness of how commonplace these accidents have become. And of course, ridding the kinkshame altogether would allow people to discuss best practices and fail-safes.

“Imagine a nightmare: You come home to find your teenage son’s dead, semi-nude body hanging by the neck in his bedroom closet, pornographic magazines and women’s underwear scattered about the floor. One mother did, and as many as 1,000 Americans each year stumble upon the bodies of their loved ones in similar situations. These people die accidentally while practicing what’s known as auto-erotic asphyxiation–strangling or suffocating themselves to heighten sexual arousal and orgasm.”

Also yesterday in the news… “The cause of death has been determined as hanging by suicide,” Wayne County Medical Examiner’s Office said in a statement after an initial examination. Chris Cornell has been pronounced dead at 52. The coroner’s report goes on to describe a band around his neck. Source.

One must wonder if it was an intentional and willful act of suicide, seeking a purposeful death as a result, or merely an auto-erotic asphyxiation gone awry. I personally don’t even wonder at this point. I may be mistaken, but it’s so obvious to me. I mean, really, who was Chris Cornell going to have choke him while he masturbates, while his wife Vicky Karayiannis was at home with the kids? It had to be himself.

Just days before his passing… he wrote: “To my @vickycornell you are an angel and a lioness. The perfect mother and the perfect wife. I love you! Happy #MothersDay2017”

This sure does feel accidental. The previous celebrity to be found dead of accidental injury during auto-erotic asphyxiation was David Carradine, but there have been many. Here’s a list of 8 celebs and none are female.

This is a gendered issue created by Patriarchy: shame differs depending on gender expression and sexual identity. The feelings are different and the effects are different, including erasure. Patriarchy hurts teenagers, women, trans folks,non-binary, and yes… even men. The more I see of this, the more I see it as byproduct of shame and toxic masculinity.

There’s all kinds of jokes and awareness regarding how common it is for (some, not all!) women to love getting choked during sex. People tend to look down on the choker in this scenario. Rather than looking down on women that enjoy being choked, people tend to look down on men for choking women, rather than seeing this as the safest way for women to express their kink.

Enjoy this hilarious gem: “I’ve consented and do feel safe with him but it’s like, come on, dude. You owe me.”

I’m including myself here. Many of my partners over the years have enjoyed getting choked and sometimes specifically request it long before I mention it. The ones that don’t like it are very quick to forbid it, especially from someone like me, known for being into kink and performing in the fetish scene. Some try it out of curiosity and quickly tap out.

I think there is a homophobic/Patriarchal element that is anti-male submission and thus anti-male erotic asphyxiation… which leads to choking themselves instead of being choked by a trusted partner (inherently safer!)

To be clear, there is a distinction worth making between choking and strangling.

Choking is the mechanical obstruction of the flow of air from the environment into the lungs. Choking prevents breathing, and can be partial or complete, with partial choking allowing some, although inadequate, flow of air into the lungs.

Strangulation: the condition in which circulation of blood to a part of the body (especially a hernia) is cut off by constriction.

In common parlance, these two words are used interchangeably, especially as it regard sexual and BDSM activity. This lexicon misuse is not terribly important to me, personally, but it may be if you’re very into the proper usage of words and terms.

Medically, they are incredibly different, especially regarding risk of death and solutions to prevent injury. The Heimlich Maneuver is quite effective regarding dislodging a blockage from a windpipe.

There’s a Russian roulette quality to it all too. I’m sure some people get off on the fear and risk of death itself… you might know it’s the way you’re going to die someday and be ok with that. Either way, it’s still tragic like getting run over by a bus, rather than tragic as in blowing your head off with a suicide note left behind. But this has sex in it and, thus, shame.

We now have some extra details, but bear in mind there is valid reason to manipulate reporting as long as there is still kinkshaming. I remain skeptical.

“A toxicology report will be able to determine the amount of Ativan Cornell had in his system at the time of his death. Suicidal thoughts are a known side effect of Ativan”-Source

We never really know when a “hanging” was mastubatory or suicidal or a little of both unless the media confirms that it was mastubatory… otherwise, I still assume it was. You are welcome to make your own assumptions or refrain from doing so.

My point was the very first line: Kinkshaming can kill.

Stop shaming people for what gets them off. That in itself changes culture so that we can communicate openly and easily. There are other dangerous behaviors and risk-aware kink that people practice. It’s much safer to talk about it than to hide it and shame.

My name is Wry. I am a relationship, sex, and BDSM educator specifically focused on Non-Monogamy and Polyamory. In addition, I’ve been the event coordinator for numerous events throughout Los Angeles, the co-founder of the Los Angeles chapter of Kinky Salon, a leader and event host with Sex Positive LA, Poly Talks and a frequent performer in the BDSM lifestyle community. My full bio can be found here.

Tagged With: Auto-erotic Asphyxiation, breath play, chris cornell, edge play

New Organization Founded, Los Angeles Consent Summit

May 30, 2016 By Wry 1 Comment

Los Angeles Consent Summit: A Coalition of Communities

On Wed May 18th, the first Los Angeles Consent Summit took place at The Hilton LAX, in conjunction with DomCon. The basic concept began as a gathering of the many underground and alternative communities in LA, as represented by various leaders, venue owners, party throwers, and event coordinators. Rather than a lecture or gathering of academics, the summit was held as a round table, open forum discussion in a town hall meeting format.

The intention was to create conversation and, eventually, a united consensus among our many overlapping and merging underground cultures, including: Burner, raver, electronic dance music, BDSM, fetish, goth, industrial, swinger, polyamory, Cosplay, Ren Faire, Fantasy, Costume Culture, Rocky Horror Picture Show, and more. The goal was to take the first steps toward consensus and discuss consent, especially the realities of law, community standards, liability, prevention, solidarity, Restorative Justice, and enforcement.

Consent Summit organizer Wry.
Consent Summit organizer Wry.

The general public was not invited, as attendees were vetted and hand chosen for their standing in our communities. We trust that the leaders of our communities will disseminate our conclusions to their personal sphere of influence, as they see fit. At a later date, we may conduct a larger event intended for the general public. Also, the founding of an organization and association, administrated by a Board of Directors, is in process.

Firstly, I thank everyone who participate, plus all who couldn’t attend and yet still supported the cause. Thank you very much. Special thanks to Mistress Cyan for providing us the time and space to make use of the Hilton during the opening day of DomCon. Mistress Cyan owns and operates the legendary Sanctuary LAX dungeon and club, a leader of the BDSM community in high standing, and the founder of DomCon, the largest BDSM and fetish convention in SoCal. This was my fifth year attending and a great honor in my 2nd year as a presenter.

This first LA Consent Summit was a resounding success regarding a specific goal: creating an in depth and productive conversation among the leaders of a vast array of subcultures who call LA their home, on equal footing. As far as we know, this is a first in the modern history of LA.

We defied expectations, which I must admit were grim in the eyes of many. Some people were expecting a dramatic yelling match, which would amount to more tension and less peace. Similar things have happened in the past, but not this time.
Our moderator was the ever engaging Sex Nerd Sandra (Sandra Daugherty), a recognized sex and relationship educator with over 14 million podcast downloads. Having played similar roles in the past, she volunteered to keep the conversation civil, on task, timely, productive, and efficient. In her own words:

“I was thrilled for the challenge. As a facilitator for such a tense subject, I made sure everyone knew I had made missteps around consent. I was impressed at how much people were glad to get into the advanced leadership skill sharing portion. I figured we’d talk 101 feelings and airing out of grievances, but it was clear our group was rearing to get proactive and solution-oriented.

“I was impressed and pleased with everyone’s patience and wisdom. The last thing I wanted was to be the boss of consent. I got to run around, hand people the mic, crack jokes and keep us to time. These LA community leaders made my job easy. Thank goodness. I was shaking at the start, all eyes on me, no one quite sure where we were headed that night. I kept reminding myself that this was a neat adventure we were creating together. ‘Twas pretty radtastic.” – Sandra Daughtery, SexNerdSandra.com

Sex Nerd Sandra Consent Summit

Congratulations and gratitude go to Sex Nerd Sandra for her extensive contributions to this first effort, including defining elements of the format and direction. Several recognized leaders of our communities have expressed interest in filling these shoes in the future. Due to privilege and the nature of power, we intend to keep in mind women, trans, POC, LGBTQA+, and other underrepresented groups for this moderator role.

Some of our goals:

– Discuss the future of consent and bring us one step closer to consensus on these matters.
– Determine the difference in enforcement and consequences regarding legal matters, community standards, specific event rules, and common decency.
– Assemble lists of resources for victims, including access to free initial consultations with lawyers, therapists, EMDR specialists, and psychiatrists who are kink and non-monogamy aware, as well as LGBTQA+ aware.
– Develop a Big Sisters, Big Brothers, and Big Non-Binaries program, providing victims and their families direct access to solidarity, wisdom, and friendship.
– Discuss how best to address the endless list of unaddressed violations from the past. If the victims wish to do so, this may include bringing justice where necessary, while keeping in mind that forgiveness, education, and redemption may be possible.
– Discuss how to prevent violations in the future.
– This is only the beginning. If the task list grows too long, we shall create an ongoing dialogue with possibly a biannual event, which would take place in late September.

Sandra in action during the discussion.
Sandra in action during the discussion.

At a later date, I wish to give credit where credit is due for the initial wisdom and inspiration of others. Inspiration has come from many places. None of us can do this alone and all of us can achieve something meaningful together.

Other similar events and Consent Summits exist, but in particular, our format differs. Our event featured no VIPs. No special guests. No scheduled speakers. No stage. No key note address. No hierarchy of importance among the attendees, other than the actual invite itself. This was by design and no accident. If you were invited, it was due to your role in our communities: past, present, and future.

Some basic guidelines for our future events:

– A townhall, group conversation, not a lecture.
– 2 mics: moderator and participant from the roundtable.
– Each event features a different moderator, as to avoid repetition and to increase inclusion.
– Time limits per speaker, with soft reminders leading up to cut off.
– Basic discussion structure, primarily driven by the audience.
– Diversity, individually, regarding race, gender, sexuality, age, and other orientations.
– Unity of various communities, as well as clear distinctions among them.
– Realistic action plans for the short term and long term.
– Increasing awareness of currently available resources and concepts, rather than reinventing the wheel.
– As free as possible, in a non-profit situation
– At differing days and times, as to appeal to various work and social schedules.
– And most importantly, a commitment to admitting that we can all do better, not only in our individual lives, but as a city. Our communities make up this city, not just our personal realms of influences.

Example of one of the major topics discussed at the summit; rape culture mentality.
Example of one of the major topics discussed at the summit; rape culture mentality.

The original intent was an annual event. Now, a quarterly schedule is being considered. One event each 3 months or so, taking place at various venues around the county. Furthermore, I personally will be hosting these summits across the nation over the next 18 months, side by side with my tour for my “Polytalks and Wry Relationships”. The task ahead of me is extremely ambitious and request your support. The next dates taking place are in San Diego (weekend of June 25th) and San Francisco (weekend of July 23rd).

Full disclosure: This article was written by the organizer and director of this event. My name is Wry. I am a relationship, sex, and BDSM educator specifically focused on Non-Monogamy and Polyamory. In addition, I’ve been the event coordinator for numerous events throughout Los Angeles, the co-founder of the Los Angeles chapter of Kinky Salon, a leader and event host with Sex Positive LA, and a frequent performer in the BDSM lifestyle community. My full bio can be found here.

Tagged With: consent, consent summit, domcon, rape culture

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