Article - anniebear

Setting the Scene

October 2, 2017 By anniebear Leave a Comment

How to prepare for success and handle the occasional failure.

You’d be a foolish person to assume that your scene will go 100% perfect every time. Sometimes a partner’s headspace may not be in the right spot, maybe a toy breaks or you accidentally injure someone. These things happen and as responsible players, we know the risks associated with practicing BDSM. There are steps you can take to plan for the best case scenario and also some fail safes for when things go downhill.

Set the scene
Do you fancy a little romance? Maybe you prefer a more sterile environment? Put some effort into your play space. Lighting a few tea lights around the room can go a long way! Set out a few bottles of water and a snack for afterwards. Put on your favorite tunes. You don’t have to put out a bed of rose petals but thoroughly cleaning the room and adding a few touches will show your partner you’re serious about having a good time.

Take proper care of your toys
I don’t know about you, but I’ve seen some really old, nasty looking toys out and about at parties. I know these things can get expensive, but if your toys are stained, cracked, frayed, or any number of the things that happen over time, its time to get new ones! By cleaning and regularly maintaining your toys, you will increase the lifespan and be a hygienic player. This includes leather products like floggers and whips. These often get ignored in the cleaning process yet can harbor some of the yuckiest bacteria. Clean your toys!

When playing with locks or handcuffs, have an extra key!
You think this would be a no brainer but it’s very easy to misplace the key in the moment. There you are, dominating and flying high only to look a bit like a fumbling dope when it comes time to unlock your partner and the key is nowhere to be found! It’s happened to me, it’s happened to a few friends of mine, and it can happen to you! Keep a spare key nearby in the room in which you’re playing in addition to placing one in your pocket.

Pack a first aid kit
Very few Dom/mes I know actually carry a first aid kit. I’ve personally had to go ask a Dungeon Monitor for a bandaid once. Lesson learned! Carry a travel kit with your toy bag. At home, have a fully stocked, disaster made first aid kit handy. You’re purposely inflicting or receiving pain, sooner or later something may go wrong so best have these materials on hand as a just in case.

If you make a mistake or someone gets hurt, stay calm!
Don’t freak out, don’t ignore it, address the situation and if possible, move on. If someone does get injured in an unintentional way, acknowledge it. If they need medical attention, go get it! The embarrassment you may experience at the hospital explaining the injury is well worth it if it’s serious enough. You are two consenting adults and sometimes this happens.

Aftercare
Do aftercare. Here is a full article on it so I can spare you the lecture 😉

How do you set your scene? We’d love to hear about both your successes and failures along with how you handled the situation in the comments below!

anniebear is a submissive living in Los Angeles. She enjoys writing, modeling for friends, animal rescue, and teaching herself how to cook. You can catch her on Fetlife or Facebook.

How to Host Your Own Play Party

September 19, 2017 By anniebear 1 Comment

You don’t have to be an event planner extraordinaire in order to throw your own play party. With a little organization and preparation, you can gather your favorite folks together for a fun night of safe, kinky fun. The following tips will help you get started.

Create a guest list

You’ll have to jot down a list of all the people you’d be interested in having over to your home. Allowing people to play in your personal home is extremely intimate and involves a certain level of trust. Make sure these are people you are at least slightly familiar with and who will respect your home. Make sure to have a good ratio. This doesn’t necessarily mean equal men to women (and every other orientation) but rather will there be enough Tops vs. bottoms? Did you invite four Dominatrixes but only have two potential play partners for them? A lot of times people come in couples and that’s fine, just be cognizant of who ends up RSVPing so you’ll be prepared to entertain in other ways.

Consider using an online invite

Depending on the size of your party, it might be easier to invite people through an online invite such as evite.com or a private Facebook invite. This will be more organized than a giant group text or chasing everyone via individual texts. If technology is not your style, then by all means go the old fashioned way of calling people. The online invite will just give you a step by step way to view who is coming. Also make it clear in your invite if people are allowed to bring guests. If you only want folks you know personally to attend, this will prevent any awkward unexpected (and uninvited) guests.

Consider the size of your space

How many people can comfortably fit in your home/apartment? Now consider how many people can comfortably play in your home/apartment. In Los Angeles at least, there’s the old saying that you should invite twice as many people as you would like to come since only half of the RSVPs will show up. So if your space can hold 25 people, invite around 35 to be on the safe side. In my experience, there are ALWAYS people who will bail last minute. It’s an unfortunate reality, but you’d rather plan for more and have just the right amount.

Set a list of house rules

You cannot just assume everyone coming will know proper BDSM etiquette or rather, the etiquette for a party in your home. Do you want people doing a needle play scene on your couch for example? Is wax play on your new carpet going to fly? Perhaps you don’t want a flogging scene in your daughter’s (who is away at her friend’s house) room? Post the rules in the invite and also post signs letting people know if certain rooms are off limits. If possible, just lock the doors so there is no confusion. I always make sure to let guests know if penetration is ok. If so, you need to be prepared with extra trashcans, condoms, and towels. While it’s difficult to think of every scenario, I always try to cover things like edge play (fire, blood, needles, knives), penetration, wax, golden showers, single tails (are your ceilings high enough? Will the whip accidentally break something?), and noise levels. If you live in an apartment, perhaps you can encourage Dominants with loud submissives to gag them, haha. Since it’s your party, you make the rules. Don’t be afraid to remind guests of the rules if you find them breaking them. It’s your home.

Provide refreshments

Or ask guests to bring something to contribute. Water is the number one necessity at any play party followed closely by food or snacks. It’s important to let guests know if there will be a full dinner served or just snacks so people don’t arrive ready to play hungry. While I have served alcohol at past play parties, many kinksters strongly believe in playing sober. This is a sensitive and highly debated topic but it’s entirely up to you of course. I personally like to follow the rule that drinking while playing is ok but being drunk while playing is not. If you have alcohol, make sure you have something substantial for people to munch on throughout the night.

Be a social butterfly

Keep an eye on your guests. If someone is standing alone, engage them in conversation and make introductions. To me this lifestlye is all about inclusion which means making everyone you’ve invited feel included! You can also do yourself some favors by inviting some extroverts to the party to help you out.

Offer defined play stations/areas and set the mood

Not everyone’s house is a fully equipped dungeon but more power to you if yours is and can I please come over?! 😉 Consider the different areas of your home/apartment and set them up in a way that would be hospitable to play. Removed objects or decorative things that you don’t want to get broken or damaged. Don’t want someone getting a spanking in grandmother’s antique rocking chair? Put it away in an off limits room. If possible, dim the lighting or trade out some bulbs to a softer glow or color. Put on some music for background noise.

There should also be a clear “socialization” area for people to sit and watch/relax. This can even be a few chairs or couch along the perimeter of the room. Also, be prepared to accommodate (or not) smokers or having a smoking area or a sign to tell people to go outside if you so wish.

Be prepared to get the night started

Private play parties can get awkward really fast if the socialization aspect lingers on too long. As the host, you should be prepared to get the party started! Or if you want to be in attendance to the guests, plan on having some close friends get the play started with a planned scene. It only takes one spanking to break the ice and others will be soon to follow.

Plan an end time…unless you want people potentially staying all night and if you do that’s fine! But planning an end time will eliminate potential resentments over guests overstaying their welcome.

I hope these tips will help you newbie party planners out there. Did I forget anything major to planning a play party? What are your best practices for hosting an in home play party? Let me know in the comments!

anniebear is a submissive living in Los Angeles. She enjoys writing, modeling for friends, animal rescue, and teaching herself how to cook. You can catch her on Fetlife or Facebook.

(Almost) Everything About Rope Bottoming

August 7, 2017 By anniebear 3 Comments

Rope by Crocoduck. Photo by Photos of Midnight Revelry.

There is more to rope bottoming than just “hanging out and getting tied.” The styles of rigging vary from person to person as well as the broader stroke ideologies and “schools of thought” behind it. With all of this information out there, it can be difficult to disseminate what’s an absolute necessity and what is a preference. However in matters of safety, there are specific rules that should be absolutes across all planes. (though often they do get ignored). The language in this article will be fairly rudimentary to allow those who may be new to rope a better understanding. I hope those riggers out there will contribute their tid-bits in the comments section! First, let us start with some rope bottoming misconceptions.

1. You must always tie naked. If a rope Top tells you this then you should head for the hills and never look back. Yes there are advantages to tying in the nude, but they do not outweigh your comfort and hygienic safety. If you’re tying completely naked with someone, then you better hope they have washed their rope since the last partner if it is being placed, say between your legs. Personally, I usually tie with just a pair of panties on. It is true that underwire bras can get in the way and potentially hurt you if the rope sits a particular way. But wearing a non-underwire bra works as well. Avoid bras with padding. In general, avoid undergarments that have a lot of adornments such as beads or jewels as these can also cut or poke you.

2. Only flexible people make good rope bottoms. I used to think this myself. You see all of these fabulous photos of men and women twisted up like pretzels and think that that’s what rope is all about. This is one incredible element in a large array of options with rope. I would challenge that there is a safe tie out there for every person imaginable. But, I also urge anyone who seriously would like to rope bottom on a regular basis to stretch regularly, explore exercise such as pilates or yoga, and to only assume positions within rope that are comfortable and attainable to you and your current physical condition. That’s not to say you cannot push yourself but flexibility comes with time and practice.

3. Only males make good riggers (rope Tops) and females good rope bottoms. To this I say HOGWASH! There are many well established and talented female riggers, it just so happens that there are many more males that happen to have an interest in rope. Any gender can play and practice either role. You do not have to be incredibly strong to be a successful rigger, though general good health and strength do help.

4. Rope play is not dangerous. On the contrary, there are many more silent hazards in rope play than almost any other form of BDSM. This means injuries may not present themselves immediately. If compared to other forms of BDSM, if someone canes you in the wrong place, you can usually tell right away. If a flogger wraps and hits you in a tender spot, the pain (not the good kind) is immediate. Rope can be a silent “killer” if you will. I’ll cover some of that later in this article.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I’d like to cover rope and safety. As with many other areas of kink, it can often be difficult to tell if a potential rope partner is proficient or not. That’s not to say you should avoid people who are new to practicing rope, rather you should discuss with your potential partner exactly what they have in mind for the ties. If you have just met someone for the first time and they want to suspend you; the act of tying you in such a fashion that you are literally suspended mid-air, as exciting as that may be, I’d highly advise you to try something more “stable.”

You will want to negotiate and use safe words with rope play and take it just as seriously as if you were going to be bull whipped. Make sure to clearly state where on your body you are comfortable with your partner touching with hands OR rope. There are many erotic ties that involve going between the legs and also across or around the breasts and nipples.

One version of a crotch rope tie. Rope by Master K, photo by -Knots-master-.

I highly recommend you request to not have rope tied completely around your neck. Opt for either in a “halter” style similar to a halter tank top or no rope near the neck for a first time partner. Ask your partner how long they have been tying, if they’ve attended any formal classes or had any training and with whom. Take into consideration that once you are tied, there may be little to no mobility or movement on your part. You must trust that your partner will not take liberties upon you in this circumstance.

Similarly, this floor work was done seated and upright. This also has the example of a "halter" tie which comes on either side of the neck. Rope and photo by Rope_Daddy — Similarly, this floor work was done seated and upright. This also has the example of a “halter” tie which comes on either side of the neck. Rope and photo by Rope_Daddy

The most common and safe form of rope play is “floor work.” This means you as the bottom will stay on the floor sitting, squatting, laying, half laying, etc. during the entire session while being tied. Do not be mistaken, this can be a very exciting and similarly dangerous form of play, however, the risks are significantly diminished due to the fact that your body is not flying mid-air. If you would like to be extra cautious with a new partner, ask them to do an introductory tie involving only the upper half of your body while you are seated. This is a great “warm up” while you get to know one another.

"Floor work" on an elevated surface. This is just as exciting and erotic as any suspension. Photo and rope by Rope_Daddy — “Floor work” on an elevated surface. This is just as exciting and erotic as any suspension. Photo and rope by Rope_Daddy

And back to the suspension we were really excited and turned on about doing: the threshold for injury increases about 1000% (lots of science is involved in this statistic 😉 once you take the rope from the floor to the air. I could write paragraph upon paragraph about the dangers of suspension but the most common injuries occurring from actual documented suspensions gone wrong include:

Dislocated joints
Permanent back damage/pain
Torn ligaments
Nerve damage
Broken bones
Fainting
Permanent numbness of various limbs and extremities
Head trauma (if the ties should fail and you fall)
Paralysis (temporary or permanent)
Asphyxiation (getting strangled to death)

If you would like me to provide the actual documentation for theses cases, feel free to ask in the comments or email us. This is not a complete list but rather some of the more severe highlights that can result form both experienced and inexperienced riggers attempting suspension. It’s safe to say that suspension should only be attempted under optimal circumstances including but not limited to:

-Proper suspension points that have been tested immediately prior to the suspension
-One or more additional persons besides the rigger
-Rope in good condition. Each rigger is very specific about rope, but suffice it to say the rope should not be old and frayed. It needs to be strong enough to hold a human being
-A “crash pad” or soft surface or mat to place under the suspension area in the event the rigging should fail
-And on a personal note, suspensions should not be attempted if either party is heavily under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

If you are that adventure seeker that cannot resist but go out and find the first rigger willing to suspend you, (don’t actually do that but I can see why you might want to do that) fear not! There is a happy medium between the two. There is such a thing as a partial suspension. Usually this consists of the subject having their upper body or a limb (or two) tied up while the rest of the body maintains contact with the ground or surface. I’ve included some images in this article to assist in your understanding. There is still an amount of caution to be taken with these types of ties, but it is a good training ground for both Top and bottom who are interested in eventually moving to a full on suspension.

Partial suspension: my upper body and leg are tied to a suspension point above me. Rope by Crocoduck. Photo by Photos of Midnight Revelry.

At any rate, I highly recommend both Tops and bottoms to seek out classes or one on one instruction if available in your area. The wealth of information you garner from other riggers (and also the mistakes you will hear about if folks are willing to share) will assist in you better understanding the joys and potential pitfalls of rope. Until then, be safe, go slowly, and have an open trust and communication with a potential Top/Dominant. Never let someone intimidate you into doing something out of your comfort zone.

For even more information on this complicated and complex subject visit this site that we really like.

Happy tying!

Exhibitionism and Public Play

March 27, 2017 By anniebear 4 Comments

I’ve been wanting to write on a topic that is near and dear to by heart; exhibitionism or rather the act of drawing attention to yourself and/or being naked in public. If you’re purely looking at the textbook definition, it seems quite limited. In my opinion, exhibitionism spans over many parts of BDSM which I will attempt to cover in this article. Personally I very much enjoy it but reader beware, it is not for everyone!

I do not crave to be naked in vanilla public, though there are some who enjoy this particular fetish. I have done some semi-fetish photo shoots (on the tame side) in lingerie in public but that’s as far as I’ll go. I’d urge you to use caution as public nudity is not only illegal in most cases but also forcing your kink onto unsuspecting vanillas, something I’ve written on in past articles and discourage.

There is something to be said about “public play” in dungeons however. There are also limitless ways you can monopolize on this setting for those who are interested in exhibitionism. I find pleasure in exhibitionism as a combination of both humiliation and a desire to be seen. I’m both embarrassed and delighted to be shown off in public. While this may sound like a bit of a contradiction, I’ve spoken to many submissives/bottoms who share a similar sentiment when incorporating exhibitionism. The desire to please your Dominant by following his/her direction in public, taking any pain or punishment they may be giving, dressing up in something scandalous-all of these are factors that contribute to positive feelings within exhibitionism. Some submissives find joy in being dressed up like the dominant’s play thing-to be walked around by a leash or on their arm. The important thing to remember regarding is that it’s playing a large part into the submissive headspace. You can experience subspace from exhibitionism alone which is fascinating, if you think about it. You neither have to deliver any impact, rope, or even use toys for that matter-all you need is your submissive and a public play space with which to parade them around.

I’ve also seen exhibitionism used as punishment. Perhaps your submissive is in need of some “training” or they have become complacent in their role and relationship. What better way to show them a lesson than at the hands of other dominants? I once witnessed a submissive shackled in a spreader bar by the arms. There was a sign dangling around his neck proclaiming him to be a naughty submissive in need of punishment. Several implements were hanging from the spreader bar including a crop, flogger, cane, and a paddle. Anyone was welcome to come up and deliver said punishment to the submissive. As an extra layer to the situation, he was also wearing a ball gag so had no ability to speak. Before any of you cry safety foul, I also observed the sub’s dominant nearby, keeping an eye on the situation should she need to intervene. Obviously the two shared a deep connection and trust for this type of improvised scene to occur. The submissive seemingly was extremely experienced thus could handle any number of impact toys and levels of pain. I found the entire set up extremely titillating and exciting! To be placed on display, called out for disobedience and asking for other people to deliver punishment was just diabolical!

As with any type of new play, it’s best to discuss potential scenarios with your play partner to make sure you’re on the same page. As the top, you can always throw in surprises to keep your sub on their toes! Remember that the largest part of exhibitionism (at least for me) is the mental aspect so it’s best to go slow and work up to more “extreme” public displays. Happy flaunting!

anniebear is a submissive living with her partner Dexx in Los Angeles. She enjoys writing, modeling for friends, animal rescue, and teaching herself how to cook. You can catch her on Fetlife or Facebook.

BDSM Scene Ideas: Pet Play

March 6, 2017 By anniebear 10 Comments

BDSM pet play submissive girl dressed like a kitten — *Casey is a kitty on hardtied.com – images used with permission*

Interested in exploring pet-play? Pet-play involves one participant (the submissive / bottom) dressing, acting like, and being treated as a pet. This is actually one of the most commonly enjoyed kinks, and is very popular (from my anecdotal experience in the community) with female submissives in particular. Some of the more common animals that people like to channel include puppies, kittens and foxes. There is a whole separate sub-genre for those interested in pony play.

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I personally never thought this would be an area that would interest me. However the longer I’ve been playing in the scene, the more I have learned about it, and the more I have come to find my own inner animal. A pet play scene can help reinforce a dynamic, having the submissive focus even more on the direction and command of the Dominant. Being that most animals do not speak, a submissive must learn better ways to communicate with body language or better yet, simply comply with the commands like a good pet.

While pet play can cover a large area of kink interest, for the purpose of this article I’m going to outline how you could do one of my favorite pet-play scenes: puppy play. There are also some wonderful pictures below showing a great kitty play scene from our friends at hardtied.com. As you explore pet play, you may discover your inner ferret or fox, I’ve even seen representations of turtles and various birds. Let this article be your guide into new territory and make sure to let us know how it goes in the comments!

Things to get: BDSM puppy pet-play scene
– Collar and leash
– Dog treats (Extra tip: fool your sub into thinking you are going to make them eat actual animal treats by simply replacing the food inside of the animal treat packaging with people food such as bits of cereal. Dexx totally fooled me on this one)
– Doggy bowl
– Some type of gag (e.g. bone gags)
– Dog toys or balls to play fetch
– Some bondage mitts to turn those hands into paws
– Puppy pee pads and drop cloth
– Dog bed or you can fashion blankets or pillows into a sleeping area
– Dog crate or cage (optional)
– Electric shock collar (optional and only if you’re feeling extra sadistic. Make sure to test this on yourself before using it on your submissive)

Most of this stuff you can find rather inexpensively at pet stores.

As always, you’ll start the scene by negotiating and checking for any health issues that could impact play. Since pet play requires a bit of crawling, you’ll want to make sure your pet is in capable condition. You can assist in bringing your submissive into a pet headspace by having them kneel down in front of you. Assign them a pet name if you wish or you can even have your submissive provide a chosen pet name for themselves that will only be used for the duration of the scene OR perhaps longer if they find that they relate to their pet persona outside of a play scene.

Attach the collar and leash to your puppy and take them for a walk. It’s important to start treating them like a puppy and maintaining that dynamic. Make sure to still ask questions and offer praise, but if your submissive tries to respond verbally either repeat the question or go ahead and take this opportunity to gag them. You can also have a cane or paddle on hand to offer swats of encouragement during the walk. Obviously we would never hit a real life puppy, but this is your consenting submissive puppy so some rules can be broken in their training. Offering questions like, “Have you been a good girl/boy?” or “Did you potty outside today like a good doggy?” are a good place to start. While on the walk, you can offer training to your puppy. Command them to heel, sit, or high five. Dexx uses an actual puppy training guide that has been pretty handy for him.

If your pet has somehow avoided the gag, reward them with a treat making sure they can see the box or packaging you pull it from. You may encounter some resistance from them towards eating the treat but remind them that punishment will come if they refuse to eat the treat. They’ll catch on pretty quickly. Lead them to a water bowl (barring the gag of course) for a drink. Heck, have the puppy drink the entire bowl in preparation for the….

Bonus scene tip! During their walk, you can decide it’s time to go potty. You can have the puppy pads pre-set (we recommend multiple pads spread around and a plastic painters drop cloth underneath just in case-don’t worry, your puppy can clean up the mess later). Encourage your puppy to go potty. Depending on the puppy, it may take a ton of encouragement. If your property allows it, you may skip the pee pad and take them outside to the backyard to go potty. Make sure to reward them with another treat.

After your puppy has completed a walk, it’s now time for open play time. Break out the toys and balls and play some fetch. Reward them with a pat on the head or a rub on the behind or belly.

You can conclude the scene by putting your puppy to nap on the doggy bed or putting them away in their crate/cage while you relax and watch TV or any other task. Personally, I find being placed away in a cage for some quiet time to be relaxing but others prefer to be close to their dominant or master.

I hope these ideas help you create your own pet play scene. As with all types of play and kink, pet play isn’t for everyone so make sure you and your partner proceed with an open mind. We can’t wait to hear how it goes!

BDSM petplay girl is a kitten — *Casey is a kitty on hardtied.com – images used with permission*

BDSM petplay kitty girl wants some milk — *Casey is a kitty on hardtied.com – images used with permission*

Being a Domme for the first time

February 28, 2017 By anniebear 2 Comments

Mistress Anniebear in action! Just kidding!

From the submissive point of view!

Since entering the scene nearly three years ago, I’ve always identified as a submissive. However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t used my brat side to participate in co-topping (two Doms, one sub) or casually playing with female friends. As of late I’ve felt a pull towards domination. While I think I will always identify as a submissive in my personal relationships, I sure do think it’s fun to top and torture specific people! Some would say this makes me a switch and that’s ok. I’ve not been able to “own” that label yet. Maybe some day I’ll be Mistress Anniebear but that’s a subject for another article, wouldn’t you say?

Having come from the submissive background, I logically and intellectually knew the “nuts and bolts” on the practical side of topping; for example how to throw a flogger, deliver spankings safely, wax play, electrical, you name it. Heck, I can’t even count how many classes I’ve been to and types of play I’ve enjoyed over these few years. I’ve been busy! But what to do about actually physically topping someone in a dedicated, planned out scene? Would I be able to deliver? I decided to “hone my craft” by practicing on a few willing participants. That in it of itself was super fun! I was surprised at how easily some of the skills came to me. I attribute it to not only those classes but also the dozens of scenes I’ve sat back and watched as well. That’s an education too. I attended a few play parties playing as a Domme. I made sure to let potential play partners know that I was newer to Topping but happy to try things out. Funny how many people are willing to be guinea pigs to a blossoming Domme in training 😉

The greatest test arrived one day in the form of a newbie submissive. We were introduced by a vanilla friend who knew I was kinky and she thought I could show her the ropes. We hit if off from the start. She had amazing energy and was willing to learn. I confessed that being a Domme was a new side of me and that we would proceed slowly. I walked us through a lengthy negotiation-probably overkill on my part but hey, I wanted to be safe and not scare the girl away! We arranged a paly date at my house and the date was swiftly approaching. I’m pretty sure I was more nervous than she could possibly be. I couldn’t believe how much trust she was placing in me. What if I screwed up or accidentally hurt her?

I planned out a scene that included several elements, providing a range of sensations and experiences for her. I also ran my ideas by my “in house” Dom, Dexx. Not everyone is as lucky as I to be with someone who allows me to explore not only submission but domination as well. He encouraged me to seek out partners and see where it takes me. He being of the devious sort was more than happy to assist in hearing my scene ideas, throwing in some pointers and giving approval as well. The scene was set!

The night arrived for our play date. I donned my best “Dominatrix” outfit for effect and arranged the playroom for our scene. I had given my willing submissive instructions on what to wear and she did not disappoint. I could tell she was nervous but so was I! I hid it as best I could. I knew the best way around all of this was to just blindfold her as soon as possible! At least then she would at least be able to not see if I made a mistake. We proceeded slowly into the scene. I placed her on a leash and walked her about and then into the playroom. I put that blindfold on her and it was game on! Starting with some sensation play I worked from easiest in difficulty to hardest (at least in my opinion and skillset). My logic was that I would have her warmed up and personally be more comfortable and confident as the scene went along. Admittedly I was shaking a bit with nerves (not good for a Top!) but it seemed to ease up as time went on.

Luckily “my” submissive was being very responsive so it was easy to tell if she liked or disliked something. In addition to some sensation play with scratchy things, I tried several paddles and impact implements, flogging (learned from a class!), nipple clamps and clothespins. I ended with some wax play which was most worrisome for me. I tried the wax on myself first so I could feel the temperature. All in all, she seemed to like this the best. I also thoroughly enjoyed peeling the wax off after it dried!

We wrapped up the scene and sat together afterward for our aftercare. I asked her what she liked and disliked. It was honestly one of the most educational and eye opening experiences I’ve ever had in this lifestyle. Another human being allowed me to essentially do whatever I wanted to them. The sheer vulnerability of the whole act was mind blowing. I felt honored that she entrusted me with her safety and pleasure. I’ve heard it said that submission is a gift and I believe this wholeheartedly. I also realized that I could never entirely be a Dominant. I don’t know if I could handle that pressure and weight. This proves that for me it does not come naturally and shows that some people are just inherently dominant or submissive. I’d highly recommend that every kinkster, just once in their lives experience kink from the other side of the spectrum. You may not necessarily like it, but you would learn something!

anniebear: My Very First Play Party

January 30, 2017 By anniebear 3 Comments

It was March, 2014. I had been to a munch the previous week and was absolutely dying to go to an actual play party. I was working a dead end retail job at the time and was checking my Fetlife for events. Remember when Fetlife was shiny and new and you were on it every moment looking for messages?! One event popped up that piqued my interest; “Gentlemen In Charge, a high protocol play party for male Dominants and female submissives”. I liked gentlemen, but I definitely liked it more when they were in charge! I was sold! In my brain I’m thinking a room full of Dominant men and me…..pretty scary but so so so hot. This was my ultimate fantasy, something /I’d always dreamed about. But what to do?! The party was in a mere four hours so I’d have to go by myself…and think of something to wear. I sent a text to my sister who is both kinky and out for advice on what to wear and do. She talked me off my ledge and said if all else fails, wear a black dress. Just to be on the safe side, I posted in the Gentlemen in Charge group asking for clarification on the dress code. To my surprise, a few people responded back and cleared it up for me! I even got a nice message from another female who would be in attendance if I needed a buddy. This was working out to be better and better! I dashed out of work at the end of my shift and knew I barely had time to go home, dress, and then make my way back across town in time for the party. The event listing urged people not to be late or risk interrupting the pre-party class/instruction. In my head I knew I would DIE of embarrassment if I were late.

At home I tore though my closet. Looking back on the moment now, I’m simply astonished that I did not own more lingerie. At the time I think I had two garter belts, a bustier, and a few modest 1950’s era slips to my name. The times have definitely changed! I agonized as the clock as ticking and finally went with a black slip, some mint green panties with garters and nude stockings. I had a short bob haircut at the time so was going for a 1920s vibe. Back then, Gentlemen in Charge required the female submissives to wear a collar. Luckily I had recently picked up a collar from Pleasure Chest (I didn’t even know about the famed Stockroom yet). I threw on some red lipstick and flew out the door. Now mind you I was visibly shaking a this point. I was a lone twenty-something female about to go to a dungeon play party. It doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence!

I arrived at Sanctuary, the party venue LATE! I sat in my car, adrenaline pulsing through me. I was sweating and freezing and flushed all at the same time. I can’t believe I blew it and was late. How I convinced myself to get out of the car and into the building beats me. You have to ring a buzzer at Sanctuary to be let in and I was shaking like a leaf. The person at the front desk asked for my RSVP name (I had enough sense to make sure I had done that much) and informed me that classes had already begun and told me the females were gathered in Hades. (??????) Hades?! “What’s a Hades?” I thought. I felt too stupid to ask for any clarification and just walked right in. I went down a short corridor, turned the corner and there was a room full of what looked like fifty men! They were all listening to a man bathed in red light on the stage, the teacher for the pre-party class. I froze like a deer caught by a hunter. A man directly to my right quietly asked me if I needed assistance to the ladies class and I gratefully accepted as he lead the way. It seemed like the gentleman part was working out so far.

I entered a small room (with the name Hades on the door, huzzah!) in the back and it was full of women of all ages, races, and types of dress. Looking around I felt slightly out of place. Women were dressed in beautiful corsets and collars, blouses and dresses. I shrunk myself against a wall, sitting on the floor because the room was at capacity and listened. The instructor, a known Dominatrix was talking about high protocol. The lesson went straight over my head having been so new and foolishly unlearned in the way of kink. It was definitely great people watching as I wondered who everyone was and if they were new too. The class wrapped up and we were informed to join the men for social hour. My nerves returned full force! A woman approached me and asked if I was anniebear. It was Subbiepoppy, the person who had messaged me! I was saved…kind of. Well, I at least had a person to latch onto. She introduced me around to her group and everyone was extremely nice. I then made a beeline to the bar. Let’s be honest, I needed some liquid courage. A few men approached me and kindly introduced themselves. I think they could tell I had a bit of that caged wild bird look to me as they were all gentle and did not invade my space.

One thing that struck me about the crowd I general was that not everyone looked like a supermodel like in the movies. Yes I sound like an asshole but no one talks about this part of kink where you get used to the Hollywood stereotypes and don’t realize what the reality is. These were just normal, kind people. There were all types of looks and the men were not wearing black capes and carrying whips and the women were not all flighty little nymph types wrapped in rope (That would come later). It was a relief. You could look however you wanted to look and be any age and that was ok. In fact, I was impressed with how nicely dressed the men were in their suits. The women all seemed so confident as some undressed down to lingerie and underwear. I started to wonder, could I do that to? Would I find someone to play with tonight?

A man that introduced himself earlier as “Velvet” came back around and we chatted some more. He understood I was new and we talked about what my experience had been like so far. I went back to Subbiepoppy and the safety net of the other girls. One of them asked me if I wanted to play with him and I said I wasn’t sure if I had the nerve. I asked if she knew the guy and she said she did and had seen him around and that he was a good play partner. The wheels in my head started turning. I gave myself a pep talk and told her I wanted to do it! She said she would help me negotiate the scene (I do remember the Dominatrix mentioning negotiations during the class). Thus began the start of my very first play scene ever and in public, which is fitting because I am now such an exhibitionist.

I approached Velvet and asked if we could play and he agreed (yippy…and oh shit!). I told him my friend would help me negotiate. It seems normal now but looking back this was probably one of the single weirdest conversations I had ever had. I didn’t even know where to begin so I rattled off a bunch of stuff I did NOT want to happen which included bleeding, sex, kissing, nails on my skin, and tickling. I was off to a good start. Then is got down to things that interested me; I had no clue. I thought back on my different sex partners and some of the things I liked that they did. “I like spanking and whipping with a belt?”-yea I added the question mark uptick to my statement. After not talking about these things for so many years, it’s a very odd feeling to finally say out loud what you would like a man to do to you. “I like hair pulling.” It was getting a little easier. I honestly really lucked out on a first play partner. He took more time with me going over a few more likes, dislikes and limits. He then asked what my safeword would be to which I gave him a deer in the headlights face. Of course I knew what one was but I could not think of a single word that stuck out in my brain, no blueberry or panda bear or nothing! He explained the stop light colors to me, red, yellow, and green. He also went a bit further and said he may ask where on a scale of 1-10 was I in that color. So if I said yellow and he asked what number and I said 8, that mean I was rapidly approaching red. That really knocked my socks off.

We went in search of a place to play and my brain started whirling again about how naked I was going to get. To my delight we found a room down a hallways that was slightly obscured so not every person walking by would see me. My friend promised to stop by to check on me as well as the dungeon monitors who were helping the party. He sat his bag down and I sheepishly asked what clothes I was supposed to take off. He said whatever I wanted to. I turned my back and slowly removed my slip. I was standing in just my bra, panties, and stocking and had an “aw fuck it” moment and removed my bra. Everyone else was naked, why shouldn’t I be?! And in that moment I felt free and liberated, and nervous as hell. What if this man, this stranger actually hurt me? What if I hated it or freaked out? What if he forgot or broke the extensive rules we discussed? Just then I saw my friend peak her head around the corner and give me a thumbs up. I blew a sigh of relief and gave her a thumbs up right back.

From then on our scene began. While I cannot remember every detail of the scene now, in retrospect Velvet was an incredibly talented flogger. Flogging in particular can look very scary and painful to a newbie but it was actually wonderful and felt so good to me. I loved the feel of the leather on my back and butt. I also remember on mortifying moment where a Wartenberg wheel got stuck in the lace of my stocking. I just took those off at that point too! Velvet took me through a variety of implements and types of play. I truly could not have asked for a better first play scene. Velvet, if you’re reading this, thank you!

Velvet drew the scene to a close and I was soaring! He asked if I needed any aftercare and I couldn’t even think straight! We eventually got me dressed, cleaned up the room and walked back out to the main party and everyone had practically left, it was nearly 1:30am! Time flies when you’re having fun. I drank some water, we exchanged information as he wanted to check on me the next day and he walked me to my car. That my friends, was the beginning of my journey, I was hooked!

2017 BDSM Events

January 9, 2017 By anniebear 3 Comments

Here is our annual event round up; a list of BDSM/kink events worldwide. This is not a comprehensive list but includes events that people we know have attended in the past or that we personally have been to so we can vouch for the quality!

If you have an event you’d like us to include, feel free to post the info in the comments section. We’ll be editing this article throughout the year to include additional information.

JANUARY

The Adult Video Nominations: While not exactly a purely BDSM oriented event, the annual “Oscars of Porn” take place January 21st in Las Vegas. There is also an adult expo and events happing beginning January 17th all week long. There is a special fetish party hosted by kink.com, with performances. It’s a catch all for performers, industry affiliates and more!

Westcoast Bound
Vancouver has a strong kink community. Join them and many other folks from around the world for Westcoast Bound January 27th-29th. This event has multiple tracks for those with differing experiences and skill levels and of course, play parties!

FEBRUARY

Torture Garden Valentines Ball: If you’ve never heard of Torture garden, you’re in for a treat. This London-based company hosts some of the most lavish and exotic BDSM parties to date. Known for the strict Fetish only dress code, this insures the guests and performers at these parties are top notch. I’m sure their next valentines ball will not disappoint!

Sin in the City: Another hot Las Vegas event including a weekend of education, parties and dungeons February 3rd-5th. This event hosts the International Person of Leather contest but if that’s not your thing there is much much more. I’ve heard this event is a merging of kink and swinger lifestyles.

MARCH

South Plains Leather Fest: This event in Dallas, Texas is entrenched in the rich traditions and code of the Old Guard and leather history.

APRil

Frolicon
An Atlanta based convention-this educational oriented event hosts different creative tracks to choose from. Not just for BDSM, this is a melting pot of creativity and personal expression and the choice is up to you for which one you’ll decide on!

Kinkfest 2017
:Portland Leather Alliance will host this annual kinky convention in Oregon April 14th-16th. This is an all encompassing event covering many areas and orientations of kink. Vendors will be showing their wares in addition to a line up of classes and parties.

MAY

DomCom LA
This is exactly what it sounds like; a convention for everything BDSM related. Hosted by Sanctuary LAX and some of the hottest FemDoms in the world, this event has everything you can think of including classes, vendors, a human pony show, and much much more! While the event is hosted by pro and lifestyle FemDoms, it has something for everyone.

Camp Crucible
Though I have not yet attended, Camp Crucible has me extremely excited! It’s bascially a kinky sleep away camp; does it can’t get better than that? Based in the woods at a secret location outside Washington D.C., this camp for adults hosts classes, games, auctions, and more! Clothing is optional and you can come for all or part of this nine day
event.

International Mister Leather: This event in Chicago is exactly what it sounds like; a competition to name the next Mr. Leather and Mr. Bootblack title holder. This is a long time event and will be home to many of the “who’s who” in the leather scene. If you have a strong interest in the leather lifestyle, this event is for you!

JUNE

Debauchery: Who knew North Carolina has a thriving BDSM scene? Greensboro is host the Debauchery, an all encompassing, inclusive to all genders and orientaitons weekend of events and play parties. This event has been around for years and the quality of presenters and classes gets better year after year.

Southeast Leather Fest: From their website, “SouthEast LeatherFest (SELF) is the home where all people–kinksters and leather people, primals and littles, puppies and Masters, and LGBTQQIA2S– gather to celebrate our lives as sex positive individuals. We focus on relationships, play, social interaction in a safe, welcoming environment where respect for individuality and unique relationships are respected. Our theme this year, Mixology, is about who we are as a large diverse group.”

AUGUST

Equus Pony Show
This event hosted by submissann is a dedicated human pony play competition. Come view all of the pony’s and their handlers as they compete for the top prize ribbon! Curious about pony play? This is a great event to watch experienced pony players in action.

SEPTEMBER

Folsom Street Fair: One of the most notorious BDSM oriented events held in San Francisco, this once gay leather event is now (controversially) a universal event for people of all genders and orientations. This event is all about spectacle and self-expression all while out in the open on the streets of San Francisco.

NOVEMBER

DomCon New Orleans: The sister event to DomCon LA brings the FemDoms to The Big Easy. The 2017 dates have not yet been released but we’ll keep you updated.

Opinion: Ushering In a New Era of Kink

December 26, 2016 By anniebear 4 Comments

It’s almost the new year-a theme heavy in this specific issue of Kink Weekly. Along with 2017 I’d like to offer a new era of kink. A lot of folks identifying with the “old guard” may not agree with this, however kink is changing and evolving and that cannot be denied or ignored.

I compare the evolution of kink or pretty much any activity to a quote from Midnight In Paris:

Nostalgia is denial – denial of the painful present… the name for this denial is golden age thinking – the erroneous notion that a different time period is better than the one ones living in – its a flaw in the romantic imagination of those people who find it difficult to cope with the present.

Those who cling to the past are not living in the present and thus cannot see the good things that are right in front of them. If you wish to keep to the idea that kink should only be practiced behind closed doors and whispered about in dark alleyways then I hope you can at least picture if you will an entirely new world where you can live your true self 24/7 and out in the open. Would you want that for yourself? I know I do.

Another year almost gone which means another year of both progress and regression. BDSM has continued to see the light of day in mainstream media with celebrities, books, and movies portraying (perhaps incorrectly) our lifestyle. So what do I mean by a new era of kink? There is a theory that due to the lifespan of humans, we completely “replace and regenerate our government, policies, and ideas every 100-200 years.” This would account for relatively slow progress (depending on your concept of time) and a circular nature to our progress. We have a new era of people ready to take the reigns but instead of going backwards, we’d like to move everything forward. We’ve already started with rise of BDSM writings in mainstream online magazines, the injection of BDSM themes into moves and television, and people both celebrity and everyday starting a conversation about kink.

We are ready to bring willing participants into this lifestlye. We are not afraid or annoyed by the influx of new people. By sharing and showing our kink we are expressing our passion and educating the masses. By branching out we hope to create even more positive ripple effects in our communities. For example the ripple effect of consent conversations and open talk about sexuality and gender. We do not want people to be afraid of kink but rather see the therapeutic benefits of safe, sane, and consensual kink and that adults are in charge of their own bodies.

In this same token we still seek the wisdom of those who have come before us. We know it has not always been “this easy” or accessible. We become too comfortable in our lifestlye at times and often experience rude awakenings if we’re not careful.

However, we are getting closer; closer to coming out of the shadows and seeing the future of kink.

I hope you’ll come along with me and those who know that kink can one day be mainstream!

Introducing a New Person to BDSM

December 20, 2016 By anniebear 1 Comment

We’ve written several articles similar to this topic in the past but with the caveat that you were either dating or romantically interested in the new person or perhaps it was a vanilla person you’re trying to convert. This article will cover aspects and ideas for introducing a kinky platonic friend into the scene, something which I’ve had personal experience with multiple times…not that I’m trying to convert every single one of my friends…or maybe I am, hehe 🙂

This is also assuming that you, the reader are a safe, sane, and consensual player-I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt since you’re taking the time to read this helpful article. Whether you’re introducing a male or female (or those who identify as) the concepts will be similar. Then as the person begins to find their way, you can advise them to the best of your knowledge on how they could potentially proceed.

Hypothetically speaking, a friend of yours comes to you seeking advice on BDSM, is interested in it, or wants to come with you to a kink event. How do you proceed? Personally, I like to start with education. Send them some written material that you think is valuable or noteworthy. We have several articles for beginners in the archives of Kink Weekly, specifically Baadmaster’s piece “Where Do I Begin?” Similarly, you can explain everything in person, however this can be both time consuming and unreliable because unless they take notes or have a fantastic memory, they will not have a point of reference to go back to in the event they need some reminders. You can always send them some material and then go over it in person with them if you care to be extra thorough.

Next, you can discuss what their interests may be. Often times they will say they either do not know or only have a very vague reference of what they could be into. They may not even know if they are a Top, bottom, switch or something in between or apart from those labels. In my experience, a true kinkster just “knows” they are into it and are excited to discover new things about themselves. You can help them along by inviting them to specific classes. If you’re lucky enough to live in a well populated BDSM scene, seek out a BDSM 101 class or basics classes on impact play, flogging, anything you can think of just to get them exposed to new kinks. Munches are also a fabulous way for them to meet fellow kinksters and hear what other people have to say. In my experience, BDSM folks are usually happy to discuss ideas with a respectful newbie. If they are “too important” to speak with a new person, then I wouldn’t particularly want my hypothetical new friend to meet that person anyway.

If you feel like you’re still having a hard time helping this person find their way, it’s time to bring in reinforcements! The longer I’m in the scene, the easier it is for me to get a “feel” for which end of the spectrum someone may be. For example, I had a long time friend who I knew was very dominant and when he finally came to me and said he wanted to explore BDSM, I knew exactly where to send him! However, I have a different friend who was unsure at first what she wanted but as I introduced her into the scene and exposed her to more, we both figured out that she was a switch. If you have an inkling of what they might like, you have the experience, and are able to play platonically, offer to do an introductory scene with them. If you do not feel qualified, find a trusted friend who would be interested. Kinksters are selfish (in a good way!) and always happy to play and what a treat to introduce someone new to something we all love so much! A word of caution on this: I’d offer to sit in on the scene if they are playing with a mutual friend. Walk them through a proper negotiation and help them pick out a safe word as well. Newbies can get attached to a partner pretty easily as the endorphins run high, something worth mentioning as well as the dangers of sub drop. If you are an experienced sub, you can still walk your potential Top friend through a scene, especially with the supervision of another Top or Dom.

There are endless options to help a new person find their way. If you still feel very new yourself, find more experienced folks to assist or attend classes together. The important thing is to play smart and be realistic with your newbie about BDSM. Everyone has made a mistake or two (or three) as a newbie, if you’re able to impart your advice and journey, your friend will thank you for it. Thanks to you for looking out for your friend as well!

Article - anniebear

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