Article - anniebear

Five Aspects of BDSM We Forget

January 25, 2016 By anniebear 3 Comments

My timing is fortuitous for this article, it being the new year and all. Perhaps some of you can add these items to your list of new year resolutions. While I love the lifestyle and specifically the scene in LA, there are some key elements that are sometimes overlooked. In an effort to not make this a list of rants, I’ve tried to offer supportive advice for each item. Feel free to elaborate and add onto the list in the comments!

1. Proper introductions. While protocols are often touted as the norm, I often see folks completely ignore proper hellos and introductions. Perhaps it’s the dungeon atmosphere that makes people nervous or maybe it’s a Dominant that’s too big for his/her britches, but a polite and respectful “Hello my name is Sir Domly McDomerton-it’s a pleasure to meet you” goes a long way. This etiquette flows over onto FetLife messaging as well. Also, don’t forget to introduce your friend/partner/sub/slave to new or old acquaintances as well. This will ease awkwardness and reinforce the dynamic. If all else fails, pretend it’s normal vanilla life and treat people like people.

2. Aftercare. I know you’re sick of hearing about it, but this is a super important ending to almost every scene. Pretend like the scene is a gift and the aftercare is wrapping up the entire thing in a nice, clean bow. Maybe you don’t feel like you’ll ever need aftercare, at least check in with the other person for a polite thank you and “how do you feel.” It’s better to be the person who asked about aftercare needs as it shows maturity and experience in the lifestyle.

3. Attending classes. There are enough know-it-alls in the world, please do not fall prey to being one of them. You know the type-they know everything there is to know from flogging to hook suspension and beyond. While it’s all good and well to be confident, it’s even more important to be well balanced and educated in your “craft”-for lack of a better word. This goes for both Dominants and submissives. Submissives may feel like they just need a good Dom/me to teach them everything. Be proactive. Being educated is your best protection against predators in the lifestyle. Most Dom/mes of quality will find your education in the lifestyle an asset rather than a hindrance.

4. Balance. I have personally found that there needs to be balance within BDSM vs. vanilla activities. I learned this early on from my first ever play partner. At the time, I didn’t understand it because I was new and wanted to experience everything to do with kink right then and there. I had the fever, so to speak. Now that I’ve grown from that and have many more experiences under my belt, I actually enjoy vanilla activities equal to, if not more than the BDSM ones. There are a few friends of mine who, like myself are lifestylers, but they have somehow lost the social grace to act appropriately in vanilla public- things like inappropriate touching or talking loudly about kink activities in mixed company. Remember, while you’re kink is your life and expression, much like a religious fanatic it is not your “right” to force your lifestyle on someone else or make people feel uncomfortable around you. This not only further damages the impression vanilla folks have about BDSM but it also alienates you from making potential connections and educating people about kink. You’re an ambassador of the lifestyle. However I do have to admit it’s often fun making mundane vanilla activities kinky. Use your imagination and discretion 😉

5. Having a variety of friends. This can mean a lot of things. Of course everyone has a large circle of acquaintances. Recently, Dexx and I realized we were often spending time with the same people over and over. We love these people and the group dynamic is fun when we get together. What’s wrong with that you may ask? We should all endeavor to keep our scope, skillsets, and opinions broad, informed, and well rounded. It’s not that we will stop seeing our favorite people, we’ll simply add new folks into the mix. Going to classes helps in the regard as well. Another approach is to attend play parties outside of your regularly scheduled events. I’m a voyeur. I love watching a great dynamic play. I identify as a submissive but I bet could learn a thing or two from attending a FemDom party. If the concept of opening up your circle of friends sounds distasteful or uncomfortable, I urge you to give it a shot. It’s good to feel uncomfortable every once in a while.

Writer, model, babygirl, submissive. After trying vanilla relationships one time too many, anniebear finally realized her submissive desires and discovered the BDSM community. When not writing for Kink Weekly, she enjoys spankings and being tied with rope.

2016 BDSM Events

January 5, 2016 By anniebear 7 Comments

UPDATE: Take a look at the comments section for even more events from our readers!

I’m personally extremely excited about this year’s activities! From coast to coast and around the world, it seems our kinky cohorts are pulling out all of the stops and presenting some super intriguing events for 2016! I wanted to compile a list for everyone to enjoy. A lot of these happen to occur in Los Angeles which is arguably a mecca of kinky activity but we’d love to hear about major BDSM events in your neck of the woods so make sure to let us know via email or in the comments below. I’ll be updating this list throughout the year.

JANUARY

Adult Video News Awards a.k.a. The AVNs
Originally reserved for porn stars and adult entertainment enthusiasts, this event now boasts a whole area for BDSM and kink education. Live performances by some of the best kink entertainers can be viewed as well as BDSM after parties. This event brings together all aspects of sex positive with the merging of kink, adult entertainment, and swingers.

FEBRUARY

Sin in the City
This Las Vegas event hosts the International Person of Leather contest but if that’s not your thing there is much much more. There’ll be workshops, socials, and of course play parties!

Dominant Training Series
Master Gabriel will be hosting the very first Dominant Training Series at Sanctuary LAX. This multi-series class will cover many subject on dominance and the skill sets there within. Are you an experienced Dom? This series will give you some eye opening new perspectives you may have never considered. You’re never too experienced to stop learning!

Westcoast Bound
Vancouver has a strong kink community. Join them and many other folks from around the world for Westcoast Bound. This event has multiple tracks for those with differing experience and skill levels and of course, play parties!

MARCH

Kinkfest 2016
Portland, Oregon will host this annual kinky convention. This is an all encompassing event covering many areas and orientations of kink. Vendors will be showing their wares in addition to a line up of classes.

MAY

DomCom LA
This is exactly what it sounds like; a convention for everything BDSM related. Hosted by Sanctuary LAX and some of the hottest FemDoms in the world, this event has everything you can think of including classes, vendors, a human pony show, and much much more! Make sure to come by and say hello to Dexx and anniebear at the Kink Weekly booth.

Frolicon
An Atlanta based convention-this educational oriented event hosts different creative tracks to choose from. Not just for BDSM, this is a melting pot of creativity and personal expression and the choice is up to you for which one you’ll decide on!

Camp Crucible
Though I have not yet attended, Camp Crucible has me extremely excited! It’s kinky camp, it can’t get better than that. Based in the woods in a secret location outside Washington D.C., this camp for adults hosts classes, games, auctions, and more! Clothing is optional and you can come for all or part of this nine day event.

AUGUST

Equus Pony Show
This event hosted by submissann is a dedicated human pony play competition. Come view all of the pony’s and their handlers as they compete for the top prize ribbon! Curious about pony play? This is a great event to watch experienced pony players in action.

Let us know about major kink events in your area!

Reader question: Am I too young to be a domme?

January 4, 2016 By anniebear 7 Comments

anniebear here, bringing you a question from our reader, Rabbit. This topic has a variety of opinions and would definitely be considered a “hot button” issue. We’ve enlisted all of our regular writers to weigh in with their thoughts. I’ve posted the question here:

“Hey, I’m a relatively young Domme (24 and have been active in the scene for about two years now) and I have noticed something that bothers me. I frequently get people telling me I’m “too young” to know I’m a FemDom.

I suspect the assumption is that I have never explored submission. That’s not true in my case. I tried it with a few wonderful male Doms I’m good friends with and found submission of any variety was just not my thing. I put a lot of thought and exploration into this decision. However the devaluing of my status as a Dominant continues. Older subs, older Dommes and male Doms of any age all state that they cannot take young female Dominants seriously and many of them hold the opinion that women of my age should enter the scene solely as subs.

I would like to ask what the fuck is with that? I recognize that the old guard used to be of the opinion that everyone had to start as a sub but this seems different. This seems specific to female Dominants in my age group. At what age am I supposed to have the “privilege” of being respected as a Domme?”

Baadmaster says:

Actually your question is a three-parter; thus I will try to answer it in three parts. Duh!

1. There will always be ageism in every walk of life. Not saying Drake is better than Nirvana (he is not), but most people in Drake’s age range hate Drake without even listening to his music. Ageism in action. This is nothing to worry about. Being young, you will ultimately get the last laugh!

2. I will cover the “Old Guard” issue in a future Kink Weekly article, “BDSM Urban Legends Exposed.” Here is a preview: “Our final Urban Legend is, ‘You cannot become a Master/Mistress without having been a slave or a bottom.’ This is generally credited to the Old Guard Leather Societies, the progenitors of our current BDSM clubs, dungeons and community. This statement, of all the ones we have examined here, has the most to recommend it. Although I personally don’t think bottoming is a necessary step in the education of a Top, there are lifestylers whom I respect who think it is. It can be argued both ways. And although I don’t feel it is a necessary step, bottoming would surely give the Top a perspective that would be enlightening – in addition to a well-rounded education!

3. Respect is not a universal credential that you earn and everyone instantly respects you. I have heard behind-the-back dissing of some of the best Dom/mes in my community. Even our President is disrespected. I would say be as skillful and knowledgeable a Domme as possible and let the “respect” chips fall where they may. You will never get everyone to respect you; there are too many haters out there for that. But if you are respected by people YOU respect, that should be more than enough to reward your efforts.

Jenn says:

It’s interesting because I see this as an issue for young male Doms as well. I think it has to do with the thought that in order to be a Dom/me – it is assuming you wish to be (or are already) a Dom/me to a sub – that before you take the lead in someone else’s life, you need to have your own life together. Typically the younger you are, the less likely for that to be true. Your 20’s are normally a growth phase in one’s life where you are still discovering who you are as a person, getting your shit together, etc. So I think it’s difficult for people to accept that someone in their 20’s can do this not only for themselves but someone else as well.

In my opinion there is also a difference between being Dominant – or having a more Dominant personality – versus being someone else’s Dominant. It seems that s-types are given more of a pass because if you’re younger it fits our expectations that you still need someone to take on a leadership role in your life. However, again in my opinion, an s-type in their 20’s shouldn’t rely on a D-type to lead them. They still need to live their path and work on self – focus on growth, etc. When an s-type blindly follows without really knowing themselves first it is a set up for being taken advantage of, or worse.

All in all – I think this opinion is of both female and male D-types, perhaps people just feel more comfortable voicing their opinion to the females. Not sure. But I really don’t think in general it’s a Domme only issue/assumption.

anniebear says:

I think the biggest issue I’ve personally witnessed is a young, inexperienced Dom/me acting like they know everything. Most people within the scene would agree that you have to have experience and knowledge to back up all of the talk and ego. You can’t simply call yourself a master and then go messaging submissives expecting them to fall at your feet. While this does not sound like what you’re doing, most of the naysayers are probably used to this type of behavior so will be dubious of any young Dom/mes and unfortunately more so a FemDom. Sexism exists, even within our “open and accepting” community of kink. I say, keep doing you. Treat others with the respect that you would want towards yourself. Build your circle of friends and play partners and pretty soon you’ll be able to be a positive example and future mentor for other FemDoms.

Dexx says:

I know at least one female pro-domme in LA who has received similar comments from some people. Emphasis on the some – I would say many of the kink crowd down here wouldn’t put too much stock in the age – people want to play with people that they connect with. If I were ever to bottom, I don’t think I would think too much about the age of the top, but I would put a lot of value in the experience of the top (which can be, but isn’t always, related to age), and my chemistry with the top. Maturity, and the way a person carries herself are big factors – I know some 24 year olds who act like teenagers, and others like interesting, engaged, well-rounded adults. Having never met you, I can’t comment about whether this is a factor in your case, but something to consider.

Ultimately, you don’t need to care too much about these other people’s opinions. If you know you are a domme, be a domme. Embrace it, enjoy it, and screw the haters.

If you have any advice or opinions for our dear reader, we’d be happy to hear them in the comments below, we only ask that you please keep the conversation constructive and educational for all.

Help! I’m kinky but my partner is not

December 28, 2015 By anniebear 4 Comments

This article is in response to the numerous questions we receive from readers on this very subject. Usually, the question goes:

“Hello, I’m recently kinky (or have been for many years) but my girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband is not. How can I get them interested in kink and BDSM?”

There are a couple of ways to go about this, but first we have to get one thing out of the way. The debate rages on as to whether or not people are “born” kinky or if it’s a learned hobby or interest or some mix of both. For the sake of this article (and my wishful thinking), we’ll assume almost anyone can have a learned interest in kink.

Assuming you and your partner have a healthy relationship and you (the kinky one) have not been sneaking around behind their back in pursuit of your own kinky pleasures, then we can start from a healthy place of open conversation. You must first broach the subject of kink with your partner. Because of the recent trend in kink friendly movies and books-it should be relatively easy to at least open the conversation. Perhaps ask what they think of the whole Fifty Shades of Gray trend. Ask them if they’ve ever had any past kinky sexual partners or significant others. Find out if there is any history or inclination there. Beyond that, you can explore mutual interests. Often times, it just takes an open conversation making sure that both you and your partner feel safe and not judged in this dialogue to get the ball rolling.

If your partner seems hesitant, you could suggest attending some kink friendly events together as a way of branching out or going on a new adventure. No partner wants to be the stick in the mud and most will be willing to try anything once. Start with a local munch so your partner can see that people interested in kink are just like vanilla people. They eat meals and have normal conversations like everyone else. Help alleviate the stigma that surrounds BDSM. Oftentimes people imagine black lipstick, dark and gothic clothing, and heavy metal music. It’s usually not the case (though that type of scene can be quote fun in its own right!).

In this same vein, it’s important to reinforce to your partner that you are opening up a huge part of yourself to them. You want to include them in this part of your life because you care about them and want to enjoy this with them. As the kinky person, you need to keep in mind that in the end, your partner may not have an interest in kink, and that’s alright. It’s entirely up to you whether or not this is gong to be a deal breaker for you. I personally tried vanilla dating for many years before jumping head first into kink. I would never be able to date a vanilla person for the rest of my life because to me, kink is essential to a balanced and happy relationship. But, many couples find a happy balance between bedroom only kink or maybe some rough sex here and there. It’s what works for you in your relationship.

If your partner feels up for it, try some things in the bedroom behind closed doors. Light play such as tickling, light scratching, a long feather, light bondage, and spanking can open the door to a whole new realm to someone who has never explored kink before. Always have the open door of communication. Stress to your partner that they can talk to you about likes and dislikes. Your partner may feel silly at first, trying all of these crazy new things. Remind them to relax and enjoy the ride, that this is just one more experience you are both trying together.

Most decent sized cities have a ton of events geared towards new people. Check out your local dungeons (kink clubs) and find out about their orientations and tours of the facility. Here in LA, there is a weekly BDSM 101 class taught by our contributor Jenn Masri, and clubs in other cities offer similar types of introductory classes. There are also more advanced classes focusing on every topic under the sun. There are all kinds of play parties, including those catering to male Dom / female sub play (e.g. Gentlemen in Charge) or female Dom / male sub (e.g. Women in Charge of Kink), as well as lots of more general “anything goes” kinds of parties. All of these will have rules and guidelines to assist newer folks along the way. If you happen to live in an area with a lively local kink scene, find events such as these. Though you may not be super new to kink, you’ll want your partner to feel welcome and informed.

Remember, I cannot stress how important it is to handle this topic gently and with an open and honest heart. Give your partner an opportunity to understand and embrace kink. Do not get angry at him or her if ultimately, it is something that are not interested in. Find out what works best for the both of you.

Prepping for Kinky Christmas

November 30, 2015 By anniebear 1 Comment

It was an action-packed weekend for Los Angeles kink and Dexx and myself were live and reporting for “duty” so we can offer a recount for our readers. It’s a tough job, but somebody has to do it ☺ I also put up some cheeky Christmas decorations at home.

Friday night was the second year celebration of Gentleman In Charge, a monthly male Dom/female submissive (or those identifying) event hosted by Sanctuary and House Ravynblood. This event is near and dear to my heart being my very first party that I ever played at when I originally joined the public scene. It’s a great party for newbies and those who are curious. Safety and protocol are fully enforced so that no one feels pressured to play.

This is always a classy event, however this month’s theme was “A Vintage Affair” and guests did not disappoint, wearing their finest clothing from the 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s. Who doesn’t like the look of vintage lingerie? There was even a celebratory GIC cake for guests to enjoy. Dexx allowed me to fly solo (is this real life?!) and I negotiated a fun scene with my friend SeñorPaco. All I’ll say is clothespins and canings and nipple torture, oh my! I came out on the other side alive and none the worse for wear. It was a very fun time.

It was a busy weekend for House Ravynblood. The very next day, they hosted Sanctuary Marketplace. Talk about finding some holiday treasures! There were over a dozen local and faraway vendors, all together in one kinky smorgasbord of sinfully delightful shopping! A silent auction was in place to benefit Kinky Klaus and the children at Camp Pendleton. There was also live entertainment, a food truck, and delicious cupcakes by SubAnastasia. SirGear was on the mic, announcing the acts and auction items. I don’t know how he didn’t lose his voice. I was lucky enough to volunteer as the “Vanna White” of auction items, helping pass them out to the winners. This definitely fed my exhibitionist side. We can’t wait to feature some of the vendors we met throughout the event in future issues of Kink Weekly, so stay tuned! At the very end, I nabbed some items for Christmas. As a bottom, I run into the dilemma of buying something for my top that I will both love and hate at the same time. Mental torture at its finest.

Following the Marketplace, Sanctuary began set up for Twisted Christmas, a play party. I went home for a quick wardrobe change and Dexx and I returned for the festivities. The party was well attended and the live performances even more treacherous. Master Gabriel tortured his doll Star, Mistress Melissa and slave Jane displayed quite the show of varied and extreme play, and many many more. Dexx whisked me away for a quick spanking and mind-fuck and we caught up with some old friends. The evening was a success!

It was indeed a whirlwind and I once again feel so lucky to be a part of one of the busiest kink communities in the world. Having almost all of my holiday shopping complete is just icing on the cake!

What’s happening in your community? We love to hear about the events happening in other cities. Let us know what’s happening in your neck of the woods in the comments section below.

How To Connect With A Submissive On FetLife

November 16, 2015 By anniebear 26 Comments

One of the most common questions we get from readers is how to meet fellow like-minded kinky people for play or dating. There are a lot of different answers to this, but in this article I want to cover Fetlife as a way to meet people. This builds on Jenn Masri’s earlier article about >FetLife Etiquette.

While FetLife is intended to be a social network more than a dating or hook up site, people do of course message and meet each other on the site. As a submissive woman, I get a lot of messages from dominant men looking to connect. Based on comparing notes with other submissive women, this is not unusual. So if you want to meet people in this way, it pays to put some thought into how you go about it in order to stand out from the crowd in a positive way and maximize your chance of getting a reply.

There is a misconception that when corresponding online, normal rules, etiquette, and general politeness can be tossed out the window. For FetLife specifically, many assumptions are made due to someone listing themselves as a submissive, bottom, etc. I’m writing from the point of view of a female submissive, but this information can be utilized across all dynamics and orientations because my preferred method of communication is based on mutual respect.

Another point to note is that a lot of female submissives/bottoms receive many many messages, so it’s important to make your message comprehensive enough to garner a response but not to shock someone into ignoring you forever. I think there is a misconception that a crazy, off the wall message will at least get a reaction, but it will be the wrong kind. It’s also best to avoid overly complimentary messages. They show little substance and are also the most commonly received, poorly thought out type of message. Instead, focus on other information you can glean from the submissive’s profile that can indicate that you have actually read it (most people don’t, so this is an easy way to set yourself apart). Maybe they list an interest in pet play or mention they enjoy rope that you share a commonality with or desire to try. Focus on the non-superficial aspects and close with an open-ended question that requires something beyond a yes or no response. Finally, strive to never come across as needy, desperate, or angry. A good friend once told me, “He who loses his cool always loses.” You don’t want to be that weird guy typing angrily at his computer because someone didn’t respond or responded rudely to you.

Let’s start by looking at some examples of what NOT to say. The following are real examples of messages I have received on FetLife. I’ve “cleverly” covered the names and photos to protect the clueless.

1. Domly Dom

This is a common approach used in general – having a quippy subject line to get the receiver to open it, it’s a good tactic but not in this example. This person assumes too much. They believe their Domly Dom message will make me melt into a puddle. On the contrary, it did quite the opposite – this is a total turn off. Yes, I have been brought to my knees by a Dom but not by you, and you now will never have that opportunity.

Instead: This type of talk can be a real turn on but everything has to come in steps and with trust. Had he engaged me like a regular human being, then this type of talk would eventually not be too far off.

2. Boner Dom

No, I’m not particularly interested. If you’re on FetLife for sex, that’s perfectly fine, but there is a proper way to go about meeting other like-minded people, such as respectfully stating your interests. Once again, this is a failure to approach a person as a regular person.

Instead: This falls in the similar vein as the Domly Dom message. A polite introduction followed by an outline of this person’s interests would have been a better approach and much less polarizing. Many people want to find someone right away without any effort, but in order to find quality people, you have to do the legwork.

3. Quick Escalation

I recently went out of town.. Prior to my trip, I was reaching out to some local kinksters and joining a few events via RSVP’s. I received this message out of that:

There are a few issues with this message. I kind of took a big risk even responding in the first place as this guy’s profile photo was a picture of his penis in comparison to an air freshener can. In my experience, people with these types of photos as their profile picture are typically on FetLife for hooks ups; you can read more about that in this FetLife Etiquette article. While he did admit that he was new-which would explain the direction the conversation went, to go straight to propositioning me for sex is extremely inappropriate. I had never given any indication that this would be something in which I’d be interested. The funniest part about this situation is while on my trip, I was talking with one of my friends and she specifically mentioned getting a weird message from a guy whose profile photo matched the exact description of this one; it was the same guy! Girls talk and if you give off a weird vibe, word travels fast.

Instead: He could have offered to meet in person or even speak to my Dominant first to see if there would be an interest for this type of play.

4. Blank Dom

Now, there is nothing horrible about this message. However, at the time of writing, his profile was blank and he had no photo. I’ll give more appreciation to someone who has at the very least put forth effort to fill out a profile, even if it’s short. The blank profile photo is understandable as many folks cannot show their face, but put something there. It shows inexperience and laziness to not include an avatar.

Instead: At the very least, have a “filler photo.” I am not a fan of using photos that don’t belong to you, but take a photo of something and post it. Some people will post play toys that they own or lingerie in lieu of a face pic.

5. The Eager Beaver

Take notice of the time mark between the two messages. This guy hit me up with the “hey beautiful lady” and barely twenty four hours passed before he fired back with this needy, desperate, and not funny response. Remember, tonality is lost in text and online communication, so while you think you may sound funny to yourself, the general “tone” will be lost on your receiver. I also hate to tell you all that his profile photo WAS HIS PENIS BEING COMPARED TO AN AIR FRESHENER CAN! I cannot make this up. I should start a collection of genitals in comparison to inanimate objects album. This just reinforces my theory that genital profile pictures usually belong to people who are creepy and weird.

Instead: I have nothing for this one other than don’t be desperate. Or, if you are in fact desperate then try not to come across that way. Politely pinging someone a second time if they don’t respond is perfectly fine – but give it a few days before circling back.

6. Mixed Messages

This message is nonsense. It comes from someone who must be inexperienced, but what does he want from me? He compliments me but then says he prefers to switch but then wants me to submit. I often get messages that say “Hey, you’re beautiful just stopping by to say hi.” This is a very low value message and is crafted in such a way as to not have much of an opening for the sender to be rejected. The sender believes that I’ll swoon over the compliments and respond. It also will usually garner no response from me.

Switching gears a bit, let’s move away from the negative and on to some constructive advice. Here are a few examples of great FetLife messaging techniques. These people deserve gold stars in the vast land of online correspondence.

1. Unique Approach

This was a well thought out message. I honestly had a blank profile at the time of this writing, but he took the time to craft a unique message to me that does not completely focus on my looks. I do have a small inkling that he does use this type of message often, but it was well written.

2. Short and Sweet

This one was short and to the point. It included a compliment and a specific “action” question regarding seeking partners.

3. Intrigued

Another well thought out, specific to the receiver message. He also tells me something about himself that is beyond the general and obvious.

I hope these examples help outline some best practices for strong, online correspondence. Let me know about your FetLife messenger stories-I love to hear about the good, the bad, and the ugly. And, if you have had success messaging people on Fet – share your secrets!

Stay tuned for a future article on how to approach a potential submissive/bottom in person!

How to make a Fox Flogger

November 9, 2015 By anniebear 3 Comments

Dexx took me to New Zealand for a vacation. You can read about our full adventures here. While in town, we arranged a photoshoot with flogger craftsman NZSilverfox (NZSF for short) owner of Fox Floggers. He offered to take me under his wing as his apprentice for the day. Upon arrival, we went straight to his workroom a.k.a “the man cave.”

I swept the floor and he showed us a few examples of flogger handles that were in the works and some finished floggers and dragon tales. His floggers are unique due to the flared handle style and vibrant colors. Typically, he uses concentrated food coloring to dye the wood as that seems to absorb more quickly than regular wood stain.

Just giving one a "test drive" — Just giving one a “test drive”

Next, I stripped down to my skivvies and we began by choosing the wood. He has enough wood for a lifetime of floggers and then some! We went with the leg of a solid wood table his friend was getting rid of. Rather than going in the rubbish bin, it went into his stock of wood-to-be-made-into-naughty-things.

The original table leg the handle came from

With the wood selected and cut, we measured out the center on each end, and then we were ready to place it in the lathe to carve and shape. For the layman- a lathe is a machine that holds each end of the wood piece and quickly turns it so you can carve and smooth it into the handle. A lathe is typically used to make things like wooden chair and table legs. I really appreciated the way NZSF took into account the grain of the wood, carefully aligning it in such a way as to showcase the most interesting bits. Since we only had a single day to make the flogger, we would be using a beeswax finish-so the grain would be showing through.

We donned safety glasses and NZSF started up the lathe. He gave me an initial demonstration on how to shape the wood using a metal tool.

I was hesitant at first, barely carving any wood

At this point, I was a bit concerned that I would hurt myself as I’m rather clumsy and assumed I would somehow manage to cut my hand off. This was not to be the case. NZSF was right there with me the whole time as I actually carved a handle by hand! Woodchips and sawdust were flying everywhere. I was astonished at how quickly the shape took place.

Finally getting the hang of it-check out those woodchips!

After we were satisfied with the initial cut, we had to use sandpaper to smooth out the tiny imperfections making sure not to miss the tiny edges and ends.

Next came the beeswax finish. The beeswax itself looked like a yellow block of dried wax. I didn’t understand how that was possibly going to finish off the wood. As soon as NZSF rubbed the wax onto the spinning handle on the lathe, the heat from the friction melted the wax slightly creating a fine smooth finish onto the wood. I was handed the wax to finish off the whole handle. At this point I was slightly more confident with the lathe.

Because of the special flared handle design, we needed to cut off a piece at the end on an angle. NZSF always laments that this is his least favorite part because the handle looks so nice and polished.

I won't quit my day job-not so good at sawing — I won’t quit my day job-not so good at sawing

Then, more beeswax needed to be applied to the exposed wood. I got to use an industrial strength, super hot hair dryer to melt the wax onto the handle.

This process went rather quickly and we soon completed the handle!

Before congratulating myself too much, I realized we then had to hand cut the leather for the actual flogger. NZSF presented multiple pieces of leather and we debated on which color and type to use. He likes to evenly distribute the weight of the handle to the type of leather used on the flogger so it’s not too top or bottom heavy. We chose a thick, brown leather that would compliment the pale color of the beeswax finished handle. Next came the actual cutting. This part made me very nervous because once you make one cut it cannot be undone. I was confident that I would somehow make a grave mistake and we would not only waste an entire piece of leather but also have to start over (I also thought I could probably somehow cut my finger off on this one).

NZSF was not worried in the least. He confidently laid out the hide and cut a rectangle section out. He then taped the ends so it would not slide around and measured out the thin strips along a straight edge. I watched him make the first few cuts and then he handed the blade to me to get to work. This step in the process was probably my least favorite as I was so concerned with making a major mistake. To cut the leather, you have to push the blade really hard. After a few attempts, I let NZSF finish it off.

To attach the leather, NZSF says he never uses any glue. Instead, he rolls the leather around the handle and hammers tacks onto it. He reinforces the other side of the handle with two more tacks. The flogger was almost complete!

Because we were in New Zealand, NZSF thought it would be fun to add a small detail in the form of a little kiwi bird. So cute! He stamped the bird onto the leather at the base as well as adding his brand onto the inner center of the flogger. The flogger was officially complete! He gave it a test run on my behind to make sure it “worked.” Success!

An apprentice's work is never done. — An apprentice’s work is never done.

We had one more flogger to make. NZSF graciously said he wanted us to have one for ourselves. The first flogger is our giveaway this week. NZSF had some premade handles that he let us choose from. Since I had arranged the shoot, Dexx let me pick out the handle I wanted; hot pink it is! (although we could alternatively call it red since that’s more “Domly,” hehe) So all we had to do for this flogger was cut the leather and attach it to the handle. We gave this one a test run on my behind as well. It’s a hard life being a flogger craftsman’s apprentice.

What an amazing day of photography by Dexx and flogger making by NZSF and myself! You can contact NZSF via his FetLife.

Kinky Kiwis in New Zealand

November 9, 2015 By anniebear 3 Comments

Dexx and myself just returned from a long stay in New Zealand. It was the furthest from the United States that I have ever traveled. Aside from the obvious excitement of seeing a new country and going on adventures, I was extremely excited to dive into the kink scene in the city of Auckland. This was the most metropolitan, international destination I’d been to since being outwardly kinky and I was not going to miss the chance to connect with the local kinksters. Prior to our departure, I scoured FetLife for Auckland events and friendly folks from the area. I was not disappointed! I primarily made contact with a local rope instructor, Headmaster2 and NZSilverfox; a flogger craftsman. Not too bad of a start. I RSVP’ed for several events that coincided with our visit and over the ocean we went.

The evening of the first day we were in town, there was to be a play party at The Chili Club, a local swingers bar that holds a BDSM night once a month. We were in luck that the party coincided with our trip! Despite some desperate jetlag, Dexx suited up and I donned my French maid outfit (it was Halloween costume themed) and we set out to see how the Kiwis get kinky. Upon arrival, we were greeted by some very friendly door people-so far so good! We were pleased to see the bar was just as crowded as any of the regular parties we attend in Los Angeles, in fact the party was in full swing. There was a full bar and lounging areas covering several rooms. We toured ourselves around the space and located the main play area. A large room with multiple pieces of play furniture, hard points, and large posters with the club rules were displayed. I was pleased to see they emphasized mutual consent and safety.

The space was full of people mingling; one couple was playing while another was preparing for a rope suspension. We chatted with some of the people present-they were extremely friendly and told us all about the Auckland scene. We were told the scene is very small but not fragmented. Because of the size, everyone has learned to cohabitate and play nice. This means there are no separate play nights for different orientations and dynamics. Everyone plays together at one party. This differs from LA in which all of the clubs host nights for different communities-hetero male tops/female bottoms, gay couple nights, female tops/male bottoms, etc. While there are occasionally parties where everyone comes together, for the most part, the LA community keeps to their individual groups. There is also always some element of drama occurring between one group or another. While the Auckland scene is not without problems, the people generally say that any disagreements are solved rather quickly and with some community assistance. This also helps weed out any individuals who are less than savory, so to speak. One other topic of note was the community at large had greatly expanded over the last few years, thanks in part to a few dedicated individuals hosting munches and classes.

We watched as a few more couples started to play. I spotted Headmaster, my FetLife contact. Dexx encouraged me to approach him to introduce myself. I was greeted very warmly and we discussed the rope classes happening later in the week. I introduced him to Dexx and we met Headmaster’s lovely partner Zylah. We talked for a while until Dexx and I could hardy keep our eyes open (remember the jetlag?). Headmaster kindly invited us over for dinner later in the week and to show us his in home dungeon-an offer we couldn’t refuse! We departed The Chili Club sleepy but happy to have met so many welcoming people.

Fast forward to a few nights later. We located Headmaster’s house by navigation but also by a large “HM” marking a long driveway. Headmaster and Zylah were at the door and informed us we would be having homemade pizza currently being prepared by their friend. The pair gave us a tour of their massive home, situated on several wooded acres of land with a large backyard and pool. It made me slightly envious, as Los Angeles does not always lend itself to such privacy. Their in home dungeon was wonderful! My favorite part was the cage ledge, built into the wall. I wouldn’t mind spending the night in there myself. They were totally stocked in the way of toys and equipment and even had a suspension rig set up. It was great seeing such a fun private dungeon. We enjoyed a quick dinner before Dexx and I had to depart. We hope to meet up in the future with Headmaster and Zylah.

cage — I wouldn’t mind spending the night (or week) in there

The fun was not over for us. The following Saturday, we arranged a photo shoot with my other Auckland contact, NZSilverfox. I was his apprentice for a day and helped him make not one but two leather floggers. You can read about his whole process here and sign up to win one of the floggers!

In all, the Auckland kink scene welcomed us with open arms. Generally, most of the local people said they do not receive too many kinky visitors, so we’d like to think the exchange was mutually beneficial. We can’t wait to go back some day. Because of this experience, I’m also comforted by the fact that wherever you go, you can most certainly find a local community of people getting their kink on.

BDSM Scene Ideas: Teacher/student Roleplay

October 5, 2015 By anniebear 4 Comments

Madison punished by teacher – images used with permission

Teacher / student roleplay is one of the most popular and enduring scenes among kinksters, and something I definitely recommend you try out! In this article, I’m going to cover Teacher/student roleplay and share some fun tips and tricks for an enjoyable scene. I write this with the caveat that a) not everyone is interested in roleplay b) these are simply guidelines – you can of course (and should) modify and expand on this to suit your (and your play partner’s) limits and preferences.

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My Dominant and I often engage in light roleplay. We dance in and out of our “play” roles throughout the scene, keeping it lighthearted and exciting while still preserving the power exchange. As of late, and in keeping with our dynamic, we’ve specifically been experimenting with a classic Teacher/student role play. We had a great scene at Threshold (Los Angeles) recently, making use of their fantastic classroom-style playroom – pictured above. If you happen to live in a less “saturated” area in terms of clubs, you can easily set the stage for your own classroom either in the dining room or your home office. Keep in mind, the aesthetics of the play space are less important if you are able to use your imagination and fully immerse yourself into the mental aspect of the roleplay, which is arguably the most important part of any scene.

Dressing the part of your role is fun too. There are a ton of options for school girl and boy outfits. Looking the part of the Teacher is as easy as a business suit or pencil skirt. The Teacher can start the roleplay days in advance by giving a homework assignment. This can be as easy as some rudimentary math problems or something tailored to be more personal like an essay question. This will be a great tool to bring back into the actual play scene. You could also plan it far enough in advance that your student has forgotten about it by the time the scene comes around.

Sabrina does not care for teacher’s punishments

The actual scene provides a myriad of creative opportunities. You’ll want to have your Teacher tools on hand such as a ruler, a birch cane or switch, notebooks, sharpie markers, hard back books (for impact play), a chalkboard or whiteboard if you’ve got it, and any other fun, non-school room accessories you may find useful.

To begin, the Teacher will want to assert their dominant role by conversing with the student about their behavior thus far. You can also discuss homework and give the assignment a once over to see if it’s satisfactory. It actually doesn’t matter if the student did well or not, they’ll still benefit from some punishment, of course!

At this point, you can really get your creative juices flowing (no pun intended 😉 My Teacher challenged me throughout our scene with verbal commands and tasks. Below are series of “field tested” ideas and scene-spirations you can use in your own scene.

Spanking is a natural fit in teacher/student scenes

-For being late and losing my homework, I was paddled with a brand new metal paddle with a heart cut out
-When my bratty side came out and I talked back, I had to write, “I must never be a brat” on the chalkboard twelve times while also reciting it aloud and simultaneously being caned.
-Teacher challenged me to a Ping-Pong game on the teacher’s desk. Every time I lost I of course was punished. At one point he claimed I lost a point. I challenged him and my Dom checked in with some of our scene spectators for an official ruling on the matter. I was victorious!
-My victory was short lived when I was asked a series of questions on varying subjects including geography, math, and a few random ones thrown in between. I think I was more disappointed in myself than Teacher was disappointed in me for the lack of knowledge I possessed. Geography class was a long time ago… how was I supposed to know Vancouver isn’t the capital of Canada?
-Naturally, there were plenty of spankings doled out.
-Pencils, rulers, and books can all be turned into toys. Corner time, detention and dunce caps are all possibilities too, depending on the preferences of the participants!
-I thoroughly enjoyed the people watching the scene, stopping by to view my humiliation. Even if you are in a public dungeon without a classroom, you can still claim your own space and enjoy those stopping by to watch, if that is something in which you’re interested.

To conclude the scene, the Teacher must deliver a final grade for the quarter. The Teacher cut my panties off and wrote in sharpie across my pelvic bone; “B-, Must Try Harder.” I was not too upset, having never been an A+ student in my life.

Stay tuned for future posts on “scene-spirations.” This will be a semi-recurring topic. Have you done a Teacher/student roleplay before? Let us know your own tips, twists, and scene ideas in the comments section below. Happy teaching!

This guy annoyed his teacher one time too many

Clean Slate

September 27, 2015 By anniebear 7 Comments

The idea of punishment as a form of reprimand is not new. It’s been a fixture in many D/s dynamics as long as they have existed. For myself, punishment is a double-edged sword. On the one hand I find it to be a necessary part of my D/s dynamic. On the other, there is the associated shame that comes along with it; the shame in having to be punished in the first place. In recent months, I’ve achieved a greater sense of clarity regarding the positive impacts of punishment.

I’m a submissive at heart, a manager in my day job, but a brat/babygirl somewhere in between. I still war within myself. I struggle through the transition from my day-to-day, in charge duties to my time with my Dominant. There tends to be some residual snottiness that I hang onto. He knows it. He is always prepared for it. Someday, the attitude won’t be there anymore (or maybe it will?), but in these early stages of self-realization and awareness-it’s still rearing it’s ugly head. On the heels of this behavior are the constant mistakes and missteps. There are always feelings of failure and me kicking myself because I forgot a protocol or rule. I am always working on my self-esteem and becoming the best babygirl for Him. This will always be my present mode of operation as a work in progress.

In terms of punishment: He and I have a two-part understanding. If I make a mistake, disobey a rule/protocol, or upset him, I will be punished in a manner of his choosing. The second part of the understanding is that immediately following the punishment, the slate is wiped clean and W/we never bring up the offense again. He will never hold the mistake over my head (nor would he want to) and I will never have to live with the worry of not being held responsible for my actions. This prevents me from dwelling in the past, admittedly another bad habit of mine.

For example’s sake, I’ll use a personal rule and punishment that we have encountered. I’m forbidden from indulging in sweets without asking permission first. Often times, I’ll be running around at my job, and the constant allure of the candy dish at the front desk is too tempting! I’ve taken a piece or two, only to immediately turn around and text him my mistake. Because of our schedules, he has a routine of letting all of my infractions add up over the week before administering punishment. This also contributes to my shame and guilt surrounding such things. Punishment comes by way of either a spanking or by lulling me into a fun play session that unexpectedly includes punishments. There are all types of specific rules and punishment protocols that belong solely to each relationship. It’s a learning process to pick and choose what is realistic within your dynamic. Exactly how much of your end of the bargain are you able to uphold? It’s important to set rules and guidelines that you know you’ll be able to realistically follow within your dynamic.

This brings up another point worth discussing; what is the difference between a punishment and play? On the surface, a punishment is something you do not enjoy or want. In this example, the “not wanting” part is still consensual in the context of the D/s dynamic. However, the punishment may be something more extreme than your regular play. It may even be something he (or she) knows you loathe. The point is, the goal is not for you to enjoy it but rather be taught a lesson or reminder. There is not only the “physical” pain of punishment, but also the emotional or psychological aspect as well. You feel guilty and sorry for what you have done and need to be taught a lesson.

Going back to the no sweets rule; this example definitely on the lighter side for the types of rules we have within our dynamic, but one can see the potential here. We also have rules surrounding some of my other poor habits such as self-confidence issues and/or negative thoughts. I’ve heard of other couples implementing rules regarding housework or curfew times. The options are endless!

By implementing this punishment methodology, as a submissive there comes a sense of relief. Imagine doing something wrong, receiving a reprimand, and never having to talk about it again. Granted, there will be times where I most assuredly will commit some sort of error that may require a long-term adjustment. Just because we live in this methodology does not mean there won’t be a necessity for bringing up old problems again but W/we don’t look at it as bringing up old wounds. Sometimes you have to dissect a series of events or behaviors in order to better understand the underlying root or reason. But to live in a dynamic, free from animosity, to live with transparency; that is of the utmost importance to U/us both. There is also a standard in which bratty behavior and rule-breaking for the sake of receiving attention or punishment is not acceptable. The whole point of protocols is not to use or abuse the system.

The idea sounds so simple that one must think it would fail in practice. I’m whole-heartedly astonished that it works so brilliantly for U/us as well. It’s all about the accountability, communication, and expectations. He holds me to a high standard. He has expectations of me that he sees through to completion. I have an expectation that he will hold me accountable for the things I’ve been assigned to or the protocols W/we have outlined. Punishment plays a major role in this. The best part about all of these expectations is that they are constantly changing and evolving. W/we both have license to ask for revisions. He especially has that license to “break out the big guns” if some aspect has become completely broken in the dynamic. W/we’ve reached a communal state of understanding. The daily relief and security I feel in this comes with the knowledge of that accountability.

Article - anniebear

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