Article - Baadmaster

Emotional Endurance and BDSM

April 10, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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What would life be like without the bi-monthly covid-19 intros in my Ask BaadMaster series here on kink weekly. (Did someone say, “A lot more fun!”) Well, it is looking more and more like these corona virus based intros will go the way of Sears fairly soon. With this in mind, I would like to start to make these articles more play based; after all, most of us have not been playing in public for the better part of a year. And though your flogger might not rust, your play techniques will. With this in mind, here is a question I picked up which went to the heart of a play-based dilemma.

Reader: I’ve practiced rope bondage for over two years (one pre-covid) on my female sub. Luckily, we live together and have been able to get in some play this last year. But even before the pandemic, she was begging for a long-term bondage scene, which is new for us. I’ve read about the physical logistics, but I’m more concerned about how it’ll affect her emotionally. She’s enthusiastic… but what if she’s not realistic about her limits?

Ordinarily, I would suggest you join a local dungeon and observe the play there and also talk about your desire to become a more skilled rope practitioner. The best way to learn anything is to listen to people who are skilled in that discipline. So that leaves playing in your home. But if you are into impact play or your sub is loud, you might have trouble with neighbors. Besides, it is unlikely you have a fully stocked home dungeon. (Exception if you are the Fifty Shades guy.) So until the dungeons reopen – and DomCon LA is now re-scheduled for mid August – a different strategy is called for.

I would look at your current situation as though you are a beginner – even if you are familiar with these protocols. First, I would re-establish the importance of a safe word and a safe signal. Since you are concerned about emotional aspects of this scene, explain to her that she should err on the side of safety with respect to using her safe word or safe signal. Make it clear that should she use it, you will not be disappointed in her. Many subs try to avoid “safe-ing” as a matter of pride. But, this is usually in the physical context of pain thresholds. Here the Dom can always use his eyes and ears to see if he has been going too far; he does not have to rely solely on a safe word or signal. As there are no physical signs to see when you are concerned about psychological damage, you must explain to her that she will be your “eyes and ears” with respect to going over the line. And read some of the articles here to increase your general knowledge about BDSM. Use the remainder of this “time in exile” to raise your BDSM IQ!

Now onto play. Since you have expressed doubts in her ability to be realistic about her limits, and you cannot use your own eyes and ears to assess when you have gone too far, then you must use what I call the “thousand mile principle” with her. (“What is the “Thousand Mile Principle,” you ask?) There is a Chinese saying that says, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Keeping this in mind, you can say that a long-term bondage scene is really just a series of short-term bondage scenes. Thus, you must approach this like a journey of a thousand miles.

Your first step is to establish a temporal benchmark – a time frame that you know your sub has no problems with. Let’s say this benchmark is a half-hour. (It could be anything; since you have been practicing short-term rope bondage with your sub, you already know the length of time that has been safe to use with her.) Then add, incrementally, more and more time to your bondage scenes. You might start with half-hour increments. Thus, your next scene would be keeping her in rope bondage for an hour. Of course, all safe words and signals apply. After the scene, discuss it. See if the hour had any ill psychological effects. If she liked it and wants to go further into the world of long-term bondage, then add another half-hour to your next scene. Now, you are up to an hour and a half! You can keep adding half-hours to your scene. Eventually, you will get to some serious long-term bondage! Remember to discuss the scene with her immediately post-aftercare and again the next day, so you get some perspective from her. Ultimately, you will reach her true limit.

When you get to her time limit, you might wish to throttle back on any time you plan on adding to the scene. In the example I have given you, you might wish to only add ten more minutes at a time. And, once you reach her hard limit, respect it.

Here is one additional piece of advice I offer. Use the stop-watch on your cellphone to time your scenes. Since you might lose track of time during the excitement (or demands) of your bondage sessions, set it to vibrate (which you should have in the dungeon anyway). Thus, you can time your scene which also will give you a kinda-sorta diary to keep track of your progress.

I am under no illusion that I am as good in play as I was before this pandemic started. I am not being overly humble; but “Pride cometh before a fall.” And since I do not plan on falling, I will not be filled with foolish pride. One step back, two steps forward!

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Coming Out As Kinky

March 21, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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With this corona virus attack lasting over a year so far, it has had wide ranging effects on our society. Not the least of which is, as I mentioned before, the temporary closing of many dungeons – and the “kinda-sorta house arrest” that has stunted our BDSM play options.

But life – and relationships go on. And this week’s query comes from a person who wants to know how to announce his collaring – but from a different perspective. I am sure he is not alone in this concern. So I kept that in mind when I chose the following question.

Reader: I’m gay male sub with a corporate job. I came out about being gay a long time ago, and nobody made a big deal about it. I’m now collared to my Dom and thinking about coming out about this too. What do you think about the pros and cons? I’m proud of my Master and want to tell everyone! I do not want to live in secret. Any advice?

Although one can find parallels between coming out of our BDSM closet and coming out of the gay one, they are really not the same. For one thing, we don’t have TV shows like “Queer Eye” promoting a user-friendly image for lifestylers. We don’t have an army of pro-gay celebrities talking it up for us. Other than an occasional “CSI” episode, we are generally portrayed as being one step up from cannibals, (Especially with Armie Hammer being accused of harboring cannibalistic tendencies.) Even with the “Fifty Shades” series putting a user friendly face on our lifestyle and the incorporation of BDSM elements in even the most tame porn, there are few outlets extolling the virtues of BDSM.

Discrimination against homosexuals is illegal; last time I looked, there was no such equivalent protection for us. And the gay community can look with pride to Pete Buttigieg as a U.S. Cabinet member; a “Sadistic Senator” is likely quite a way off, Our legal rights are still very much in the gray area; so when you come out of the BDSM closet, you come out on your own. Furthermore, I don’t believe there is an imperative for anyone in our lifestyle to out themselves.

Even with the rapid change in American morals, I still marvel at the apparent ease with which you were able to come out as a gay person “a long time ago” as you state. Although your experience might not be unusual in the bigger cities, don’t assume that it will be easy anywhere once you add BDSM into the mix. Mention that you are into bondage to the average vanilla American, chances are you will hear something like, “You mean you beat your spouse?” Thus, if you come out the closet, you will, in the words of Desi Arnaz, “have a lot of ‘splainin’ to do!”

‘Splainin’ or not, I would carefully weigh the effects of coming out in three major areas. First and foremost is your corporate job. Since you mention this consideration first, it is certainly a serious concern of yours. I do not know your situation, but corporate America is typically conservative. Not only should you never risk your job (unless you hate it and/or have another source of income or want to get unemployment), but you should also assume that once you out yourself, “what could go wrong, will go wrong.” (Murphy’s BDSM Law!) Use a worst-case analysis regarding your occupation. Only if there is no possibility of job-related repercussions should you proceed. Although laws vary from state to state, don’t expect the same type of government protection that our gay brothers and sisters get. Often times Find out what the consequences might be before you make a move. Often local laws require an arrest if an officer sees a black and blue on the female – which can happen after a noise complaint. This is quite the opposite of a gay noise complaint situation.

The second area of concern is kids. If you have children, there could be some legal ramifications. BDSM could be a negative factor in custody battles. When kids are involved, especially young ones, you should never take any chances when the BDSM lifestyle is involved. Rumor mongering and gossip can come back to bite you in the rear end. So, unless you are very secure in your parental situation, “don’t tell and you won’t be asked” is the best policy!

The final consideration I will discuss is your vanilla friends. Obviously, your lifestyle associates know what you are about; in this regard, coming out of the closet is a moot point. And, your very close vanilla friends will stick by you no matter what – or they are not close friends. (My vanilla friends know almost everything about my lifestyle.) Predicting the effect your disclosure will have on the rest – or “non-close” – of your vanilla acquaintances is not easy. Some will be cool with it, others will be shocked, still others might post this info on Facebook. Personally, I would scope them out before I told them anything. Bringing up anything BDSM could entail risks. See if they are open to it. If they aren’t, you risk censure. If you can deal with that, fine. But, you should have a good idea what to expect before you commit to outing yourself. After all, it is always best to look before you leap. In your case, look twice!

The Inside Scoop On Tickling

March 7, 2021 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

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Although it appears the COVID-19 pandemic is winding down, we are still likely to be wearing non-BDSM masks for the foreseeable future. Thus, lacking my two favorite dungeons (Lair de Sade and Sanctuary), I am still wandering around in the ”auxiliary” questions file. Luckily, I found this gem of a question that needed scant revision. And here it is:

Reader: My subbie-girl is the most ticklish person I know… and though it’s something I never considered a fetish before, I’m finding that I really get off when I tickle her. Is this weird? Why do I like it so much? Is it a BDSM activity?

We are KINK weekly, so nothing is weird around here. So, that answers the “is this weird” part of your question. In the vanilla world, “erotic tickling” is quite popular; I have already written a kink weekly article on this subject. With its vanilla roots, is it a fetish? I guess that depends on what the meaning of “is” is. Fetish or not fetish, weird or not weird – tickling works great in our lifestyle – especially in your case.

As I have stated many times, one should always try to match protocols in D/s relationships. A high-protocol Master should look for a high-protocol slave. Similarly, a Dom/me who enjoys tickling should look for a submissive who is ticklish. You might not have searched for such a match, it might be luck that brought her to you, but you found it. Consider yourself very fortunate. After all, what is a tickler without a ticklee?

As to the question of why you like it so much, the “Cracker Jack Principle” applies. If you look on a Cracker Jack box (if there are still any boxes of the stuff available; they are now mostly in bags), its slogan reads, “You like it, it likes you!” Similarly, having, the “most ticklish person you know” as your sub is a “you like it, it likes you” type of situation. It is one thing to perform a scene and have the submissive go through the motions in order to please the Dominant. It is quite another thing when the submissive truly enjoys what the Dominant is doing – which is most common in D/s unions where one is clearly the Dom, the other the submissive. This creates a loop that channels positive energy back to both participants. In your case, tickling fits into this synergistic model.

Erotic tickling is an extension of vanilla play, whereas BDSM tickling (to coin a category) can be integrated into just about any scene. Tickling a submissive can be every bit as effective as flogging or caning her. Or, instead of a straight flogging scene, alternate between flogging and tickling; this will add a new dimension to your play. If you are using hot wax, tickle the submissive in between drippings and you will raise the sensation bar considerably. If you are into role-play, tickling is yet another technique to add to your arsenal. In an interrogation scenario, for example, tickle the submissive instead of beating her. You might get your submissive to give up the information rather quickly!

A “tickle-torture” scene can be as edgy as any. A feather duster can be just as wicked as a crop; a makeup brush can be just as painful as a paddle; a silk cloth can be every bit as sadistic as a cane. One word of caution. Just because tickling doesn’t leave marks or entails great physical risk, one should not forget to take standard precautions. Make sure you have a safe word; be aware of the mental state of the submissive during play. (If your extremely ticklish subbie is in the throws of a serious tickling session, he/she might not be able to utter the safe word – or even give a safe signal. Always keep an eye on her – or have a hard time limit).

Finally, you can always invent new ways to use tickling in your BDSM play. Tickling a blindfolded sub is always fun. Combining tickling and TENS unit play is a great concept I have heard about. Alternating tickling and sensory deprivation is another unique game plan. Tickling goes with just about anything. The only limit, besides the hard ones, is your imagination. Additionally, in this crazy era where down is up and up is down, it is very easy and inexpensive to do a tickle scene. For example – a “tickle interrogation” scene.

Since you have the ideal “tickle-sub,” all you have to do, in the words of the Nike commercials, is “Just do it!”

Orgasm Control

February 20, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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This is a question that is self-explanatory. So here it is:

Reader: Orgasm control and denial are topics of interest for me. I’ve heard lots of good things, but also that it can cause negative side effects. What do you think? Any tips?

First things first. Can denial produce negative effects? Many old wives’ tales suggest this to be true. Some claimed that too much sex is bad; others said that denial is the road to ruination. In the Reefer Madness era, believe it or not, there were even ones that said you would go blind if you masturbated excessively. Yet the worst that happened to me is that I wear contact lenses. Negative effects from orgasm control are a similar urban sex legend. Sexual denial usually produces no negative effects — other than causing fewer orgasms in your life. Albeit bigger ones!

The purpose of orgasm manipulation is basically to make for better, bigger more intense orgasms. (Sounds like a late night TV advertisement for the Orgasmotron – but wait, there’s more!) Most of us practice a form of orgasm control even in the vanilla sex world. — most men delay orgasm for as long as possible to increase mutual pleasure. But in BDSM, we have raised this to an art form. Let’s look at the two major classes of devices used in orgasm control – the “chastity belt” and the “cock cage”.

Since many things old become new, the chastity belt for females is making a comeback. As we become a more egalitarian society, it was only natural to expect chastity devices to be equally available to all sexes. Or to put it into Mad Men advertising language, “Chastity devices ain’t just for men anymore.” The effect of a chastity belt worn by a submissive – both from a role play point of view and a control perspective – can be awesome. Recently, lightweight plastic/composite belts have replaced the old bulky leather/metal ones; these high-tech belts are not the heavy locked affairs of Elizabethan times. These modern versions are a unique (although expensive) way for a Dominant to establish the ultimate in orgasmic and sexual control.

The cock cage too has felt the advancement of technology in its development. From the early plastic versions (the CB 2000) to the modern stainless alloy types, just like face-masks, they are available in a myriad of designs. (Once this pandemic is over, you can use your spare face-masks for BDSM play!) But whether used for pleasure or punishment – or anything in between – ultimately the aim of such devices is to make your play more exciting.

There is no doubt that sexual denial can increase horniness. (Just go to a singles bar on a Friday right after work.) But if you practice sexual denial on purpose, you can increase the anticipation and raise the sexual excitement to a fevered pitch. “Don’t masturbate (or have sex) until I see you next week” is a popular Dominant’s technique that can turn the submissive into a horny, sex-crazed obsessive by the time they see each other.

Another technique of orgasm control is that of bringing a submissive to the brink of climax over and over again. Whether ending in a “ruined orgasm” or a “super orgasm,” this “tease and denial” technique can be done over a period of hours (or days…WOW!) and can be excruciatingly exciting. Coupling BDSM play with “tease and denial” in a s scene a great way to produce explosive orgasms.

There is one area I have left to last – the legendary training of a submissive to “cum on command.” This has an almost mythic quality to it; it appears to be the ultimate Dominant achievement. I have heard tales of a Master being able to order his slave to cum via telephone and the slave doing so without even touching herself. I personally have never witnessed this; nor have I ever achieved this feat.

What I have done is to train a submissive to become extremely sexually excited via a voice command. The training technique I use is to deny orgasm over a period of time, thus building a heightened state of arousal. Then you link your voice command to this excited state – by stating your command at the time of highest sexual arousal. This conditioned response training is one way to get closest to making the submissive “cum on command.” And maybe, using this technique over a period of time, it can actually be accomplished.

As with all my suggestions, they are just that – suggestions. So let me know your experiences. Good luck!

Topping From The Bottom

February 7, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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If you were wondering about the #9357, it refers to the fact that there are likely 9357 lifestylers debating “Where does topping from the bottom start and where does it end?’ This is the bondage equivalent of debating, “Who is better Tom Brady or Drew Brees?” Or, “Who is the better singer, Adele or the late Whitney Houston?” (Brady, Houston!) These are unanswerable, subjective opinion questions that can entertain you for hours, but there really is no definitive answer, Similarly, this week’s “Ask BaadMaster” question lacks a definitive answer – it does have within it many opinions as answers that will give your BDSM journey some great signposts. So, here it is:

Reader: I am a collared female submissive. Every time I ask my Dom for something, like a McDonald’s hamburger, or make any of my “wants” known, he tells me I am “topping from the bottom,” and punishes me. Is he right?

Before I can hazard a guess, I would have to know certain details of your relationship. At the very least, is this is a negotiated relationship or a less formal D/s union. (There are many articles on “Negotiation” here on kinkweekly.com . Just search “Negotiation” and many great articles come up. And not are all mine!) The beauty of D/s is that you can negotiate in advance the structure of the relationship. For example, if a “slave contract” were signed in a high protocol union, (again, see the “Slave Contract” piece), most times the contract begins with something like, “The slave agrees to obey her Master in all respects. Her mind, body, heart and time belong to Him.” If this is the case, the way the slave asked for her hamburger is the determinant whether the Dom is right or wrong. If she said, “There’s a MickeyD’s, pull in, I’m hungry” she might have been “topping from the bottom” depending on the terms in the contract. On the other hand, it is the Master’s obligation (also in many contracts) “to feed her if she is hungry.” So, if he was not feeding her and, out of hunger and frustration, she said “get me a burger,” the Master is not only at fault, he is also an idiot. “Feed your slave” is commandment number one!

Most Doms can not read minds (although many act as though they can), so there must always be a way for a slave to express her needs. This is called protocol, as in “Master, or Sir, may I…?” Now if the slave says “Master, may slave have a cheeseburger?” and he calls this topping from the bottom, he is dead wrong.

Most times, these kinds of problems arise when people jump into a D/s relationship without the proper understanding or expectations. For example, a relatively new “slave” signs her first contract and after a while, she gets sick of asking, “Master, may I…?” and longs for her vanilla ways. “Gimme a Big Mac” seems a much easier way to get what she wants. It is up to the Master to correct these habits – or give the slave off time where she can talk in a less formal way. But even with a lot of free time she finds all this structure a drag, it is time for her to give up the slave routine.

In a Master/slave or Dom/sub relationship, protocol and communication are paramount. Wants must be made known, using the proper protocol of a negotiated D/s relationship. The Dom should not have to read his sub’s mind. The sub cannot be expected to be a silent statue waiting for her Dom to figure out what she needs. If she is hungry, she must be able to let him know other than by looking malnourished.

On the other hand, many new Doms think they are Lord and Master and any request made by their sub is “topping from the bottom.” Wrong – on two counts. One, it is wrong, duh! Two, keep this up long enough and slave will become ex-slave.

Parenting And BDSM

January 24, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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I am always intrigued by questions that have, within them, enough range so they apply to a large swath of lifestylers, not just a few. Since many here are parents, and are more likely than not to be required to spend a lot of time with your kids because of Covid-19, this question has relevance far beyond the narrow confines of parenting. So here goes:

Reader: I am a single parent who is getting seriously involved in a D/s relationship. How can I be a good subbie while continuing to be a good mother – especially during the pandemic?

This is a great question. Funny, whenever you read BDSM stories like, “And then he tied me to the cross, his eyes ice-cold as he whipped me, then pulling my hair back, he then took me suddenly and violently.” You never read, “And then our seven year old, Skippy, came to the door, asking where the remote was and yelling ‘I’m hungry, mom’.” Children are the great BDSM secret; they never exist in BDSM – other than in the lives of seventy percent of adult couples who practice BDSM. It is the great BDSM secret — how do you conduct a BDSM relationship with children around?

First of all, the mental mindset of a good subbie is totally compatible with being a mother. Subbies (using your term) generally come out of a nurturing role. She is committed to tending to the needs of her Dom/me, just as she is committed to tending to the needs of her children. In the overall, there is little conflict here, And although there are times where you would need to become more of a Domme when disciplining your children, in the overall being a mother would seem to have a big submissive component to it.

And a good subbie just naturally sets a good example for her kids. A D/s couple who have a stable hierarchy, do not talk back to each other and are respectful to each other will effortlessly set a good parental example. Once again, being a good mother and a good sub are not mutually exclusive.
It is in the physical world where you will have to make some hard choices.

The first choice is the D/s protocol of your relationship – will it be high, low or no? And although it theoretically is the Dom’s choice, BDSM mythology goes out the window when kids are involved. So, both of you should discuss how you want to define your lifestyle. Will it be a high protocol relationship – where you always address your Dom/me as ‘Sir’, ‘Mistress’ or ‘Master’? (There seems to be no equivalent for female ‘Sir’) Or is it a low or no-protocol relationship. High protocol is really hard to maintain in front of kids. They are forever asking questions and mimicking your actions. So, unless you want them calling their male schoolmates “Sir,” you might think about some revisions in your protocol.

I personally was in a high protocol relationship where my slave had kids. Although she always addressed me as “Master,” she cleverly added the word “Blaster” to it whenever the children – or vanilla people – were around. ‘Master Blaster’ has a kind of innocent, cartoonish aspect to it that was a great disguise. Although this might be a clever solution for some, high protocol D/s around children is still next to impossible to maintain; keep this in mind when negotiating your hard limits.

The other physical aspect is your BDSM play space. If your kids are younger than eighteen, most people I have spoken to recommend the “outta” system. Keep it outta their view! If you have a home dungeon, lock it and keep the explanation consistent and simple. Keep all your BDSM toys secured – as you would sex toys. (Your bag might have both!) And do not forget the obvious – lock your bedroom door; if you take pictures of your BDSM play, DO NOT leave your cellphone around – especially if it is not password protected.

Of course, in a non-Covid world, you could keep your BDSM play exclusively in the dungeon (if there is one near you.) But until then, I hope these tips gave you some ideas on how to practice BDSM as a parent in 2021!

Transitioning To The BDSM Lifestyle

January 10, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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I was speaking to a woman who said she wanted to explore BDSM. She claimed to be a total newbie, although I doubted it. Nevertheless, she asked me a question that I thought would be great for the ASK BAADMASTER series here on kinkweekly.com . So without any covid-19 talk for a change, here is her question.

Reader: I AM A VANILLA WHO HAS BEEN READING A LOT ABOUT BDSM. IT EXCITES AND INTRIGUES ME. BUT WHEN I ACTUALLY TRY ANYTHING – EVEN THE MOST RUDEMENTARY SELF BONDAGE — I GET VERY DEPRESSED. FURTHERMORE, I MET A REAL TIME DOMME ONLINE AND WHEN SHE TRIED TO INSTRUCT ME AND PERFORM SOME ROPE TIES, I STARTED TO CRY. SHE LIVES NEAR ME BUT I HAVE AVOIDED RE-MEETING HER. AM I JUST A WRONGF FIT FOR BDSM? AM I DOOMED TO LIVE IN THE VANILLA WORLD. HELPPPP!

They say everything has a purpose. Surely your internal being (for want of a better term) wants you to “improve” on your vanilla life. And it appears that you want to “transition” from your vanilla lifestyle to one that appeals to you. Most of us here have had to make that transition; very few of us are born “Oh great and wonderful Master or Mistress.”

And many here have not made this transition without some pain or doubt. Fortunately, most of us were able to interact with lifestylers in the many social events that most cities offer. Instead of social events, we have social distancing. Not a good formula for making a smooth journey from vanilla to BDSM. Add into that, you have given me little information as to your vanilla situation; I know not whether you are single or married, whether you have freedom to explore and other important life factors. But I can give you some general advice that you can build on, so when the social aspects of this lifestyle return, you will be ready and not crying. (Unless crying is part of a scene or play.) I will offer a half dozen essential questions that you should answer to facilitate your entrance into the real time world of BDSM.

Are you depending on BDSM to be an escape from your current malaise? Answer: I would not put all your escape eggs in one basket. Examine your vanilla life and try to see the good in it so that you don’t approach BDSM out of a sense of desperation.

Don’t ask your vanilla friends for advice nor tell them you are going “bondage.” I once told an acquaintance that I was exploring BDSM. He replied, “So you beat up your girlfriend?” Misconceptions abound, especially about this kinky world. Best to keep it to yourself unless you find a vanilla friend of a similar mindset to you. I might add that your soaking up all these misconceptions that fill the media could surface when someone flogs you or ties you up. This could be the reason for your tears.

Why throw away my support system? In this hypothetical example, you are not; you are merely electing to not use your vanilla friends (except for the occasional one who understands you deeply) as your support system. Over time, you will find like minded people to emotionally ground you. Best adage/advice: “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” This transition will take time.

Use this “no fun” respite to study as much as you can. Learn about yourself. Are you a Domme or a sub or a switch? What play excites you the most? Are you into pain? As Socrates wrote, “Know thyself.” As BaadMaster opines, “Use Google.”

Important: analyze the play that brought you to tears. For example, you might have had a bad experience in “vanilla choking”, thus being choked in a scene might bring out bad – or even unconscious — memories that make you cry. Go over all the scenes you plan and avoid activities that make you uncomfortable. You are under no obligation to try everything nor do things against your judgment – whether you are a Domme or sub.

Finally, in the “I can’t believe BaadMaster recommends” advice, I would ask you to rent “Fifty Shades of Grey” Granted it is very fanciful; the BDSM is often idiotic. But it will put you in the mood for your new bondage adventures. And it is always good for a laugh or two.

In closing, being a woman navigating a new lifestyle is tough enough, even if you have a support system. And soon, I hope, when the dungeons and the socials re-open, you will find new friends and a new support system. For now, following my six principles should make your transition a smooth one.

Properly Preparing To Play

December 27, 2020 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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If you have been following my ASK BAADMASTER series here on kinkweekly.com, you might conclude that I am over-covering the pandemic on a kink site. I think I would be remiss in ignoring the pandemic as it has affected the kink community on many levels. For starters, live dungeons have been mostly closed. I would hope the new vaccines are a bright light at the end of a very dark tunnel. So I would like to answer questions that prepare us for the non-covid days ahead. Much will be review; so if your were a BDSM player and have not played for almost a year, you might want to go over aspects of play that you might have forgotten. There is never too much knowledge.

Reader: Recently, my kink group has been discussing what to do if something goes wrong or a pre-existing condition manifests itself during a scene. This kind of safety concern is beyond the usual. But, how can you prepare for any eventuality?

As a general rule, it is impossible to prepare for EVERY eventuality. If I could do this, I would be working for President Biden eliminating terrorism. But seriously… Regarding medical pre-existing conditions — you might open a productive dialogue before your scene, especially between first-time players. Make sure the players are aware of any pre- existing conditions and what its symptoms are so you can stop the scene quicker than usual.
Now onto safe words. Depending solely on safe words is not the end-all and be-all to safety. (Although they are definitely better than anything that comes in second).

The trick to using safe words effectively (and this seemingly obvious bit of advice might be extremely valuable to you) is “simplicity.” Although the standard safe word is “red,” many people try to pick out their own personal safe word. They want style. “Greef” might be a cool safe word between ‘Mandalorean’ fans, but when panic time sets in and the mind starts spinning, these words might not be at the tip of the tongue. “Red” works for stop signs. “Red” works for scening. Use “red.”

I also advocate the use of a safe signal. When you use a ball gag in a scene, the bottom –unless he/she is a ventriloquist — cannot give a safe word. So agree on a safe signal based on what type of scene you are doing. A great one is a shaking of the head continuously left to right — like a “no” signal. This is unmistakable, and does not require the hands, which might be bound. Between safe words and safe signals, you have increased safety a hundred fold.

Most BDSM writers always talk about a “safe call.” In this case the old expression –“after all is said and done, more is said than done” — is applicable. Most people never use the safe call procedure. But if used properly, safe calls are really good tools. In this age of the cell phone, it is really easy to have someone standing by waiting for your call to see if all is well – and to arrange for any contingency plans should help be required.
Another safety key is…not playing with unsafe players! Sometimes there are players who have gained a reputation for being unsafe; most times these reputations — if they are widespread and repeated by respected members of the community — have some basis in fact. Stay away. But there are other red flags. When playing for the first time, a big red flag is when the Top says, “I never allow a safe word.” They might rationalize it by saying something like, “I am into TPE and do not believe in safe words.” Well, many in TPE relationships do eschew the safe word. But this only happens after a relationship is established; eliminating the safe word is generally negotiated after playing for awhile. Anyone who says “no safe words” right out of the box really hasn’t got a clue.

As for the scene itself, the oft-repeated advice of planning a scene in advance will add to the safety of it. Some scenes are pretty safe in and of themselves — an interrogation scene, for example. Others — such as mummification or breath play — are much more dangerous. Make sure the skill level of the Dominant (as he/she is in control) matches the danger quotient (D.Q.) of the scene being attempted. If you notice, I would rather head off problems before they arise. “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” also applies in BDSM play.

If you have extra time on your hands, I have written a companion piece on safety on this site: https://www.kinkweekly.com/?s=safe+words Play safe when you return to play! And if you have not played in a while, there is nothing wrong in going over safety essentials (as in “Don’t forget aftercare”) before you re-visit your favorite dungeon!

BDSM And Religion

December 12, 2020 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

sexy feet in fishnets — via stock.adobe.com

Introspection; in this covid wrecked world (soon to be put back together again with slew of vaccines), there has been lots of time for reflection.
Now introspection is close to useless in a game of basketball; but if one is spending a lot of time indoors – as many of us are during this unrelenting virus attack – one might wind up analyzing our lives with a bit more contemplation. And once one wanders into the sea of self-examination, religion – sooner or later – will rear its cope and mitre’d head.
This weeks question is one that I have been carrying around in my “question bag” (there is no such thing as a “question bag”) for what seems like an eternity. But this query enabled me to answer a religious question with a BDSM twist. So here goes:

Reader: I have been drawn to BDSM for most of my life, but am somewhat confused on one point: I am a devout Christian, and my faith is an important part of my life. Is it possible to be a sub, and a Christian both? Any and all guidance would be greatly appreciated.

Although I am not a theologian, nor do I play one on TV, I have found a surprising number of Christians who are into D/s and BDSM and have concluded that devout Christianity and our lifestyle are actually quite compatible with each other. Surprising, huh? Of course, it can be argued that one can support any argument using the Bible; and, although my biblical quotes are accurate, my interpretations – like all interpretations – are open to challenge. That said, it’s time for BaadMaster’s “Sermon on the Net!”

Ephesians 5:22
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.

Colossians 3:18
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
The Bible is pretty unswerving in preaching a submissive role for wives. It is a common theme in both the Old and New Testament. In fact, if you were reading the Bible for the first time, you might think it was a guidebook for female submission. Of course, these biblical admonitions will not thrill progressive females. I guess BDSM and D/s will always have some enemies!

Ephesians 5:24
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

In this verse, you can even see justification for high-protocol submission. The use of the word “everything” is pretty dramatic. I think any submission, from weekend submissive to TPE slave, is covered in this admonition.

Peter 2:18
Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh.

With regard to BDSM play, this verse appears to be a ringing endorsement. This sounds an awful lot like a T.P.E. Master/slave relationship to me – where the Master is a bit of a sadist!

Hebrews 13: Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but adulterers God will judge.This admonition is usually interpreted to mean that anything you do in the marriage bed — except adultery — goes. So, spank away!

If you think about it, it is not surprising that BDSM and Christianity are compatible. Much of Christianity has, at its root, a theme of Dominance and submission. The wedding vow to “love, honor and obey” has been part of the liturgy for ages; only recently has it been altered to reflect a more politically correct world. (Although many couples still opt to keep it in.) Thus, to this observer, it could be argued that for a woman to not be submissive is actually un-Christian! (Amazing, eh?)

The only area where the BDSM lifestyle and being a devout Christian seem to be at odds is on the issue of marriage. The Bible is pretty unambiguous in declaring that sex between an unmarried couple is unacceptable. But this biblical proscription is not about BDSM and D/s; rather it is a universal ban against pre-marital sex. (Although most Christians seem to disregard this warning; few marry as virgins.) But this is a moral question for the population at large; this is not a consideration specific to our lifestyle. And you can always marry your Master – or Mistress!

As you can see, the Bible is pretty clear about the submissive role of women. It is in the area of male submission, whether it is with a woman or another man, where the Bible is less than supportive, to say the least. But even here, there is good news for you.

Just as there are passages in the Bible that can support pretty much any point of view, there are Churches that run the gamut from ultra-conservative to radically liberal. For example, there are those that preach against homosexuality, while there are others that embrace openly gay clergymen and clergywomen.

Thus, no matter what your gender or sexual orientation, you should be able to find a Church that welcomes you with open arms. One that embraces you as a submissive — a role that the Bible clearly endorses!

Trust in Power Exchange

November 22, 2020 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

With the corona virus extending its “Reign of Error” (as a lot of people have got this pandemic wrong) into every area of our lives, I suggest we protect the most important areas in our lives WHEN POSSIBLE! (Was that the longest sentence in kink weekly?) To clarify: obviously, we cannot just go back to business as usual. For example, except for Mistress Cyan’s Virtual Dungeon, all the bondage clubs, at least in L.A., are closed. So, what to do to keep our bondage skills sharp and to also have fun.By some magical coincidence, I was going through my “questions bag” (which really isn’t a bag) and found a query that, although written pre-pandemic, was rather prescient and deserves to be answered. So here we go:

Reader: I’m a newbie, but am very interested in expanding my horizons. It’s giving control to someone else that appeals most to me about the bondage world. I love games of the mind, and have always been a control freak in every aspect of my life. The idea of a Dom having his way with me is thoroughly exciting. BUT it is also scary. How do I learn to trust someone? To lose control? How do I stay safe?

It appears (emphasis on the word “appears”) that many people who are control freaks in their everyday world long to give up control in their BDSM life. They not only find it exciting, but they also like the break from being controlling and responsible. But, as the saying goes, “Old habits die hard.” The desire to give up control, no matter how freeing and appealing it might be, is often easier said than done.

Thus, you are not alone in desiring to make the transition from day-to-day “Domme” to a submissive. The keys to making this big leap are threefold: a) “fantasy vs. need” b) “Rome wasn’t built in a day” and c) “letting go is a process.” Let’s examine, in detail, each of these three “keys” that I proposed.

The first one is “fantasy vs. need.” Is giving up control just a hot fantasy or is it an actual need of yours? Many people have sexual or BDSM fantasies that get them excited. But, as I have stated many times, there is no rule that says you must act on every craving that floats your boat. It might just be that due to your personal situation, this “submissive fantasy” is one that might best be left unexplored. On the other hand, if you have a true “submissive need,” then you should forget that it is scary and just give it a shot.

For most adults, consensual needs, I suggest – if at all possible – you not leave them unfulfilled. If this is your case, and submission is an unbending need and not just a pie-in-the-sky fantasy, then it is time to get to the “Rome wasn’t built in a day” principle.Learning to trust someone is a step-by-step progression. Trust is neither automatically given nor demanded – it must be earned over time. Thus, you have a right to be wary of any new Dom you play with – until he establishes the level of trust you feel comfortable with. As with any human endeavor, there are variations from person to person. Thus, it might take you more time to be at ease with one Dom than another.

Trust your instincts. This is especially true with respect to safety issues. In play, make sure you have a safe word and don’t be afraid to use it. If you do, and the Dom respects it, that is one way trust is built. Again, don’t expect instant trust. Furthermore, if your Dom tells you “I don’t believe in safe words” right out of the box, this is a big red flag. This is – especially in your case, where you have apprehension – as close to a “no-go” as you can find.Finally, about “letting go.” This is the end result of the whole process; it is not the process itself. It happens automatically after everything else has fallen into place. You don’t have to worry about it. In fact, worry (along with tension, doubt and too much thinking) is the enemy of “letting go.”

When you trust your Dom implicitly, when you aren’t stressing about safety issues, when you become less self-conscious about the whole idea of submitting, then you will automatically “let go.” A good Dom will put you at ease about your concerns and free your mind to perform the tasks that he will demand of you — the actions that, taken in totality, define “submission.” Believe me, with all the decisions that are thrust upon me during thin pandemic, I too would like to be an “Un-Dom” for week or two! Or even a day!The beauty of submission is that, ideally, it is a mental state wherein your mind is freed from all concerns other than the submission itself. Thus, by its very definition, it cannot exist until all your other fears and doubts are dispelled. And, except in very rare circumstances, that takes time!

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