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Getting Kinky With Your Partner

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With the corona virus still hanging around like a psychotic relative with a gun, we cannot ignore it.  With all the dungeons closed, with contact risky and with Mistress Cyan sponsoring Virtual Dungeons, many of the questions that I have answered recently came from a pile of questions I kept around for just such an emergency.  But the following query was one I received a couple of weeks ago.  

“What would you do if you’d been with your SO for many years and recently found that your BDSM needs were developing and your SO’s weren’t? How would you resolve a growing apparent incompatibility? How do you take someone on a journey with you when they are resistant or uninterested? How do you stay with the one you love despite those dilemmas?”

It is a cliché in every advice column to say, “the key to a successful relationship is communication.”  I guess it is a cliché because it is so true.  But your dilemma will not be resolved simply by discussing your needs.  BDSM isn’t Dr. Full-Of-It’s simple answers for complex questions.  (Is he still around?) Oft times, in vanilla relationships, you can just say, “I need oral sex a little more” and voila!  The other partner replies, “I will do that if you do this (such as dress sexier, etc.)”  This might not solve the deeper problems in the relationship, but it can be a quick fix for the sex aspects.  BDSM problems, on the other hand, are not so easy to repair.

In your situation, it appears the actual relationship/love part is solid, but the play aspects are falling apart.  And play is very important in a BDSM relationship.  You might say it is the basis of it.  So, what to do?

Your strategy would depend on the answer to one big question.  How much does your partner know about your BDSM needs?  Does he/she participate with you? And are you overreacting and getting all bent out of shape because your partner lost interest in BDSM because of the pandemic?  

If your partner is totally in the dark about the true depth of your BDSM needs, you must determine whether you wish to risk wrecking a good long-term relationship to disclose them.  If they are very strong in your case, I suggest you take a risk.  More than likely, you will succumb to these urges somewhere down the road, so why not address the problem as soon as possible.  Procrastination solves nothing.  But more about that later. (“We will be right back!”)  I would simply tell your partner that you have very deep BDSM desires and explain exactly what they are in the most enticing way.  And don’t be afraid to state them loud and clear.  Explain what you really, really, really want, what turns you on.  You have been with this person for many years, so chances are you discuss more than the weather in Topeka.  If you are lucky – very lucky – and explain “home dungeon” BDSM play in an exciting way, you just might strike gold.  Also make sure that your SO (Significant Other?  Social Outcast?  LOL) is just going through this disinterest phase as a result of the pandemic.

If, however, he/she either is aware of your BDSM needs – even to the point of partaking in them – a different strategy is needed.  If one of you keeps a BDSM diary, look for points of intersection.  See what BDSM play turns the two of you on, and make sure to point it out.  You might be surprised how much play you both want to experience together.

If you are the Top, then it will be easy to redirect your play toward your partner’s area of interests.  This is not to say, let the bottom totally control the direction of the relationship.  It is to say, let the bottom have some fun!  You will find the bottom is more responsive to activities that you prefer when there is a mix of activities he/she likes too.

If you are the submissive, your relationship – no matter what the protocol – should allow you to voice your opinions freely.  State your needs to your Top, and explain that you need more of certain BDSM activities.  Be clever and select play that both of you enjoy.  A diary is a great device for discovering what interests you and your partner share.  It is easy to get “more” when the “more” is fun!

Of course, if your partner simply has absolutely lost interest in BDSM,for whatever reason,  and you love it, I really cannot help you there.  But it is better to find this out sooner than later. 

I would bet it is a temporary situation caused by this pandemic.  I haven’t gone to a dungeon since this craziness started.  I have tried to both answer your question and suggest that your problems are caused by this virus. These are insane times and it would be a shame if your relationship got destroyed by this microbe.  Hasn’t it done enough damage? My assumption could be wrong; but if I am right you will look at your problem in a different light.

These times are trying enough without having to deal with the relationship problems that the virus is causing. 

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

How To Start Your BDSM Journey

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Once again the question unintentionally revolves around Covid-19. At first, I wanted to keep the questions strictly on D/s and BDSM. But it seems the less you talk about it, the more it dominates our thought processes – like the elephant in the room. So, even though the following question is really about BDSM and not about the virus, it really is. Or something like that. So here goes!

Reader: My husband and I are in a long-term vanilla relationship. But recently, with these new “stay at home” directives, we spend a lot more time together, so we both want to include BDSM play in our lives. Do you have any starting points, pointers, or references for us?

Good news! My personal experience is that BDSM relationships have the longest lifespan when vanillapartners discover this lifestyle together. This is especially true if the duo is entering the BDSM world while still in a fulfilling relationship. So if my “polling data” is correct, this move bodes well for you. Now, how do you start? Simple…

First, read kinkweekly.com (plug, plug) – and the archives — to get a sense of the BDSM verbiage and other basics. Once you know the ropes, everything will seem that much easier.

Second, determine who is the Dominant and who is the submissive. If you are lucky, hubby will go one way, and you will go the other way. If you both want to be Tops or both want to be bottoms, we are going to have some trouble. The easiest way to find out what you are (if you don’t already know) is to talk about what turns each of you on. Surely your desire to add BDSM to your activities did not come out of the blue. Likely you both have concepts if what BDSM is about and how you want to integrate it into your lives. You are probably more semi-vanilla than straight vanilla.

I would suggest you take the activity that turns you both on the most and plan out your first “scene” together. What follows is my suggestion for a good way to get into BDSM play. This scene uses easy-to-find, inexpensive BDSM implements, does not require extensive BDSM furniture and is fun and easy to do! And it entails light rope bondage and cropping which are among the most popular BDSM activities of all.

First, pick your safeword. “Red” is the default safeword. Then, get some rope available at any Home Depot kind of store. And most are open. (Don’t forget your mask!) Make sure it is soft but strong. Get a riding crop with a large flat end. (Not the thin cropping end, as those tend to sting a lot). Crops are available at adult websites and should cost no more than forty bucks. Have the submissive lie face down. Tie up the hands and feet (not too tight until you get some experience under your belt!)

Then crop the submissive’s butt. Use light and soft strokes. Do not assume the lack of a safeword gives you the right to flail away. The butt should be reddened, but avoid any marking at this point. As you are man and wife, it is unlikely the Top here would want any harm to come to the submissive partner. I would give a ten to fifteen minute cropping to start. Then comfort (“aftercare”) and untie the submissive. This is just one suggestion; whatever you do keep your entry scene simple and safe.

Here is where my constant reminder to communicate comes in. Do not forget to discuss the scene you just did; I think this is a great way to begin.
I might add that, although this article might be a bit too “beginnerish” for most of you, if the pandemic continues much longer, I might need a refresher course. After all, it’s hard to hone your skills “playing in an empty dungeon”!

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

How To Craft A Successful Feminization Scene

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Reader: My submissive is a part-time drag queen. We’re interested in trying a multi-day feminization scene. I’m not certain of techniques to keep it going for such a long time without the scene becoming boring. Can you spare any advice, tips, or information?

Since this is a multi-day scene you are attempting, I feel there are safety issues as well as boredom ones here. After all, a multi-day scene is unusual enough to be exciting in and of itself! So, let’s talk about safety.
Now without being privy to your actual game plan – and the specifics of your relationship – much of this advice will be laid out in general terms. That said, let’s examine the safety issues. (I think by now I can skip the sterilization admonitions that come with this pandemic; they have been covered ad-infinitum).

In your scene, safety concerns are less the physical ones than the emotional or psychological ones. Obviously, you should both agree on a safe word and a safe signal. But the presence of a safe word/signal, in this type of scene, does not by itself guarantee safety. That is because it is not the physical aspects of forced feminization scenes that are the most dangerous. For most players, these scenes present few physical dangers (excepting cock & ball torture and such — which might or might not be part of your scene). Despite the lack of true physical danger, forced feminization scenes can be very, very, very (notice the multiple “very’s”!) intense. They, by their very nature, enter into areas that can be psychically sensitive.

In your case, you are about to embark on a multi-day scene. When doing a scene over such an extended time frame, you can wander into areas that you might not ordinarily enter into – both good and bad. The bad aspects can be traced to the fact that psychic reactions can run deeper here than in your typical one or two hour scene. Oft times “forced feminization” scenes bring up gender identity and humiliation issues that are usually self-limiting in a shorter scene.

One thing working in your favor is that your submissive already is a part time drag queen. Thus, “forced feminization” is something, I am sure, he has already fantasized about. But, you must be totally aware of how far he wants you to take it and what his limits are. Does he have true transgender needs that a long scene of this nature might have an effect on? Transgender issues are not to be toyed with. These are serious, and very delicate, aspects of the human psyche.

You should also grasp the scope of the scene so as to stop it — even without a safe word being uttered. If you see that your submissive is having problems within the scene, you must be sensitive enough to go slow, alter it or stop it on your own.

You must really have a deep understanding of your submissive before you get into areas where gender identity is played with. As the Top, you must not cross those boundaries that can cause psychic damage to your submissive. A short one-hour play scene is one thing. A multi-day scene is another thing entirely.

A long scene of extreme duration has a totally different dynamic than your average short scene. Let me give you a real life example. A slave I know had no trouble being caged for a few hours. But when her Master wanted to cage her for three days, she refused to partake – even at risk of their relationship. (In fact, this incident destroyed it.) Long time frames radically alter the actual act itself.

In your case, since this is a first-time scene for you, you must be acutely aware of the multi-day aspects of it. If you are diligent about keeping control over your scene at all times, understand your submissive very well and grasp the danger inherent in your scene, you will be able to have an awesome experience.

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Balancing D/s relationship with career

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I have been trying to steer clear of the COVID-19 pandemic in my articles. But there are questions that were sent to me before the pandemic. And some of these – such as this week’s query – seem to unintentionally refer back to this God-awful virus, since many have had a 24/7 situation thrust on them Thus, I will structure my answer so it could apply to almost any combination of live-in D/s arrangements. The question:

Reader: My Master works out of our house. I have a regular 9-5 job, which I had before we met; we both agreed to me continuing my career. I am concerned that I cannot live up to his 24/7 ideal because of my employment situation. Do you think I can? Any tips how best to manage this situation?

First of all, since your Master was in favor of you continuing your job, he clearly did not want you to serve him literally 24/7. True live-in 24/7 service, where the slave serves the Master 24/7, is actually rare in this lifestyle. I don’t have statistics, but the number of live-in slaves who do not work is surprisingly small, Fifty Shades notwithstanding. This happens for a myriad of reasons. One is that many people do not want to be in the company of another all the time. Personally, I like my alone time. Another is that many slaves are career oriented. Having a job can be very fulfilling; again, your Master – from day one – was clearly in favor of your career. Besides, a second paycheck can be a welcome addition to any household in this decade, M/s or otherwise. Thus, for one or all of these reasons, your Master was cool with you having a job. It appears that concerns about the “24/7 ideal” are yours, not his.

The key is to understand, as your Master seemingly does, that 24/7 does not have to literally mean 24/7. Of course, for some, it can. All Master/slave relationships are unique and there is no universal standard; it appears to me that 24/7 is more a state of mental slavery than one of physical servitude. The best example I can give you is that of marriage. Even when you are at work, you are married. If you are 3000 miles away from each other, you are married – and married 24/7. Similarly, if you are a collared slave, you are collared 24/7. The collar does not come off your neck when you are apart. (Velcro collars exempted!) That said, one must not slack off when it comes to being a good slave. And that is a legitimate concern. So, let me offer you some tips to keep you on your game.

One problem of having a job is that you can be exhausted when you come home from work, especially if you add in corona virus stress. If your job has any submissive aspects to it – like an executive assistant – there can be a tendency to mentally say, “I don’t want to get anyone anything. I am worn out.” Rather than serve grudgingly, you might mention that you are particularly tired that day. Your Master just might just go light on you. Communication is always the key.

On the other hand, on those days when you are not dragging, make a special effort to be a terrific slave. Your Master will appreciate the extra exertion – and it will more than make up for the days when your job wore you out. So, don’t be so hard on yourself. Some days are simply better than others – from both the Dom/me and sub point of view.

The key is to realize you are not actually serving 24/7 – so on those hours when your Master expects you to be at his beck and call, you should be very attentive. Don’t underestimate your Dom/me; a wise Master will understand the time management aspects of owning a slave with a job – especially nowadays. You really have nothing to worry about. Just serve well when you are required to, and communicate with him when you are unable to be the perfect slave due to job fatigue or other work-related factors..

Never forget the 24/7 ideal is just that – an ideal. It rarely exists. Most of us, the fictional Christian Grey excepted, live in the real world. In your case, your Master was accepting of your employment. It follows that he will also accept the ebbs and flows that any time-intensive job – and our current pandemic– will cause. The best advice I can offer you is to do your best, communicate effectively, and, more than likely, all will be fine.

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Can two switches collar each other?

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In my search for entertaining and unique questions, I have run across many that are ridiculous. But rarely have I encountered a question that initially hit me as joke material, but then, on closer examination, had some very serious elements buried within. The following question is cut from this mold. So, laugh and learn!

Reader: Can two switches collar each other? How would this process work with power exchange? After ten years together, my partner and I would like to make our commitment outwardly clear, but we’re unsure as to the steps for our specific combination. We’re new to the BDSM community, and so any advice you can give us will be greatly appreciated.

First of all, after you are finished laughing at two people collaring each other, let’s make a distinction between a play collar and a commitment collar.

In a play collar situation, the answer is pretty obvious. All you have to do is negotiate who is the Top and who is the bottom for the scene, and the Top puts the play collar on the bottom and the scene proceeds. Unless you want to switch in the middle of the scene – or at five-minute intervals – this will work out just fine. It is when you are considering a real (for want of a better term) collar – one that implies a D/s relationship – where a little more thought is required.

The key thing to remember is that, in this case, collaring means commitment.Of course, since collaring evolved out of the term “slave collar,” it does have D/s implications in it. But, to me, the commitment aspects seem far more critical than any Dominant/submissive facets of it. As all of our BDSM rituals are not strictly codified, and are loosely based on an oral tradition that dates back to the Old Guard Leather Societies, there are no hard and fast rules for collaring. Thus, I see no valid reason why the two of you cannot be collared to one another.

BDSM is a constantly evolving lifestyle. The question is how best to go about it.As I see it – and this is new territory for me — you should figure out a way to preserve the “slave collar” tradition and adapt it to your personal situation. And here is my suggestion. Try to figure out which of you is the more dominant partner. Surely, as switches, you do not switch exactly fifty percent of the time. (Possible, but unlikely.) In your life, there must be a hierarchy that gives one or the other a bit more dominance or a bit more submission. Or, you might want to see which of you is more dominant or submissive in play.

After ten year together, you should have a feel for the dynamics, no matter how subtle the distinction might be.Using either criterion, the more dominant partner can offer the more submissive one the collar. This keeps it within the basic D/s framework. And if you are contemplating a ceremony with lifestyle friends, they will be more concerned with the commitment part of the ceremony than the personal Dom/sub components of your relationship on a day-to-day basis.You might also find that having a contract — although in your case it would not be a typical “slave contract” — might add a bit of clarity to the breadth and scope of your BDSM relationship.

I am a big advocate of contracts; a contract would be a useful adjunct to your collaring. Besides, the negotiations involved with contracts can be incredibly enlightening.In general, my personal problem with collars is with the Velcro aspects of them, not the nuts and bolts of who is collaring whom. I see far too many collars that are shorter lived than a Hollywood marriage. I could care less if a collared couple does not maintain a D/s dynamic that is consistent.

Let them switch, let them have vanilla days. My concern is that the collar truly means commitment. And in your case, as a ten-year couple, it seems that you have the commitment thing down.So go out and have a great ceremony. There is nothing more beautiful than to see a collaring ceremony witnessed by lifestyle friends. Especially when you know that it is a truly meaningful collar.And in your case, it sure seems like this collar will be on your — or your partner’s — neck for a long time.

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Bondage On A Budget

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As we emerge from our houses, apartments and even bunkers, we are hit by some confusing signals.  On the one hand we have a surge of optimism energizing us.  On the other hand, reality has been a harsh Captain; there is every chance we might face a shortage of Bondo-Dollars. Besides, even if the strict social distancing rules fade away, people might still be reluctant to go to their favorite dungeon wielding a flogger with .05 feet of Dungeon Distancing.  Thus buying bondage gear from the 99 Cents Store or from the Home Depot will enable you to have some fun stuff (a  technical term) and not worry much about it.  It ain’t a Sybian – but it’s a hell of a lot less bulky!  Here’s the question that inspired this answer!

Reader: Master and I are brainstorming on ways to equip a rental home for play. What if you have very little space? How can you have a fun play space without causing damages that violate the average lease?

First of all, there are dungeons and there are dungeons.  (It sounds better when you say it.)  The question is, how extensive do you want your dungeon to be?  Technically, any space with some rope, a couple of candles for atmosphere, a chair, a bed  (with a frame or headboard to attach the ropes to) and some stuff (blindfolds, cuffs, floggers, canes, crops, etc.) is a dungeon.  Impressing your fellow lifestylers notwithstanding, this is all you really need.  

The key to any home dungeon is being inventive.  Not only don’t you have to risk breaking your lease, you also don’t have to spend lots of money to make your play space wonderful.  For example, there are “Ninety-Nine Cents” type stores in every city.  Unbeknownst to them, they are the BDSM bargain basement of the Home Depot that we can all  talk1 about.   Here is just a partial list of dungeon supplies and toys available there; the enormity (love it!) of selection available at these places is impressive —

Spring-loaded paper clips  —  Budget nipple clamps! But wait, there’s more – for the genitalia too! 

Hairbrushes  —   Two devices in one!  Spanking on the flat side, light torture on the bristle side.

Rubber bands  —  The all-purpose BDSM toy.  Wrap around the nipple or better still….

Clothespins  —  Buy a hundred of ‘em for a buck and go to town.  They come in wood, plastic and in lots of sizes.  

Loofah sponges, sandpaper, steel wool, Scotchbrite —  These stores could be called “Abrasions ‘R Us!”

Spatulas  —  The slave can also use them to make breakfast.

Wooden spoons  — The slave can also use them to make soup.

Rolling pins  –  The slave can also use them to make a pie crust.

C-clamps –  Available in greater variety at the Home Depot.  But here you can save a buck or two!

Plastic locking pliers  —  My personal favorite.  Plastic knock-off of the metal version. this is a neat-o torture tool extraordinaire!

Pickle pinchers –  Pinch your pickles — or pinch your submissive. 

Funnels  —  Great for funnel play – or an oil change!

Cutting boards  —  The heavyweight paddle without the heavy price tag!  

Candles  —  Even when I have some extra cash, I always buy the dollar-store candles.  

Plastic curtain liners  —  These are great to put on your bed when you play with hot wax.  Use once and throw away.

Bottle brushes  —  Less than a buck for this true tool of terror!

Karabiners  —  These nifty devices are spring-loaded metal links that can be put together to form a chain of any length.   Simply awesome!

Baby pacifiers  –  Age play, humiliation, punishment…this is the toy of a thousand uses.  

Mousetraps  —  Apply gently.  Never snap them.  Also keeps your new dungeon rodent-free.

Rope  —  Rope is available at these stores; but go to Home Depot instead.

Generic “Icy Hot”  —  If you are an Icy Hot fan, you can save a couple of dollars by buying the generic here.  If you use a lot, it might pay!

Self-heating pads  —  These heating pads can be awesome when put on the right spot at the right time.  Here at the right price!

Feather dusters, toothbrushes, chamois cloths  —  Tickle, tickle little star!

Rubber gloves —  Useful in the kitchen, useful in the dungeon.

Alligator clips  —  All kinds of neat clips can be found here.  

Dungeon Supplies  —  Cotton swabs, disinfectant wipes, alcohol, band-aids, baby oil, betadine swabs and other generic pharmacy supplies line the shelves at these bargain stores.

Of course, you can always go elaborate and design St. Andrew’s Crosses and the like – but then you have the problem of property damage.  But between Home Depot and the “Under-A-Buck” joints, you can create a fun space – with no landlord worries!

And with COVID-19 lurking in the shadows, PUREL is a great “Hospital in a Bottle!!!

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Sexual protection & latex allergies

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Since I have been pretty much bottled up during the COVID19 pandemic, I have not gone to my usual haunts to discuss questions.  So I have been going through my email bag to find oddball questions to hold our interest until the dungeons go back in real time.  So here goes:

Reader: My purring kitty is sore and swollen after sex. How can I have protected sex without letting my latex allergy interfere with my play time? Help!

The first question I would ask is why, specifically, you are using condoms?  Are you in a monogamous (or polyamorous kept within the partners) relationship and are using it solely for birth control?  Or are you using them to protect yourself from STD’s?  Or is it some combination of both?

If you are using it exclusively for birth control, then there are many other condom materials available other than latex.  Lambskin or any of the natural “skin” condoms, although ineffective against many virus-based STD’s, are a very effective barrier against sperm.  Polyurethane is also another non-latex condom material — but if you are using it for birth control you must be aware that they break rather easily. K eep in mind,, if you are using condoms primarily for birth control, there are many other ways to go besides condoms.  The birth control pill, the Depo Provera shot, female condoms, sponges, the birth control patch are all ways to prevent pregnancy that will avoid any latex allergy.  Furthermore, many who use condoms for birth control employ condoms with spermicidal lubricant pre-applied to them.  This might be the source of your allergy, not the latex.  More about finding out exactly what your allergy is later on.

If you are using condoms for protection against STD’s, then your options are narrower.  Polyurethane condoms work but break rather easily.  Latex condoms not only protects against STD’s, but also are quite tear resistant.  Even the most “sensitive” latex condoms break less often than polyurethane.  Thus, latex is the condom of choice when worn for disease prevention.

The symptom you report, “My purring kitty is sore and swollen after sex,” could be caused by many other things besides the latex condoms you use.  When one has an allergy, a doctor generally runs tests to determine exactly what the allergy is.  One can never assume what the cause is.  In your case, the problem can be anything sexual.  Big Bruno for one.   Or having rough sex with Big Bruno.  Or having sex without proper lubrication.  Or overly long sex sessions.  Any typical rapper could be the culprit.  (“I’ll sex you all night long ‘til you can’t walk no more!”)  Taking all these possibilities into account, and factoring in the fact that latex allergies are rare except in diabetics, I think that you should test to see if, in fact, you are allergic to latex.

Now this is going to sound more like an answer for a Sex Advisor column than a Ask Baadmaster reply, but what I would do (sly grin), is take a dildo that you know you are not allergic to and put different condoms on it.  Use ones with lubrication and those without.  Use different brands.  Try those with ribs, which can irritate you.  Maybe have your partner involved in in your search and call this “research.”  Be semi-scientific and take notes of your reaction to each type of condom.  (Can you get college credit for this?  Maybe not, but a government grant is definitely possible.)  Try every combination and you just might find that you are not, in fact, allergic to latex – that there is some other factor involved.  Or you might find a condom that causes a small amount of irritation that you can deal with.

There are literally hundreds of types of condoms currently being manufactured.  Colored ones, flavored ones, ribbed ones, lubricated ones, large ones and super-large ones.  (Condoms come in large, extra large and magnum sizes so that no one ever has to ask for a “small” condom!)  Odds are, after you try out a significant number of them, you will find ones that produce either no reaction or a relatively insignificant one.

Disclaimer: this article should not be considered as medical advice.  The author is not a medical professional, and any decisions regarding allergies, or the use of sexual protection should be based on the advice of a physician.

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Ask Baadmaster

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I had written about medical play previously on kink weekly. But this question caught my eye as it is time to re-examine medical play in the light of the covid-19 pandemic. 

Reader: My Domme and I are interested in exploring medical play. We’ve read all about the safety aspects, but we’re curious about the types of different play out there and what your favorite is?

One of the great things about medical play is that you can make it as life-like as you desire.  For example, you can construct an “examination room” pretty easily.  Since medical play is basically role play (“Say ahhh…!”), it is really neat to have a good faux doctor’s office as your playroom.  

Making an examination table is simple enough.  Some white sheets on any old table will do.  If you wish to get elaborate, you can improvise some extensions and leg stirrups.  Once you stock a table with lots of medical stuff  – aspirin, bandages, alcohol, swabs, ahhh sticks, cotton balls, a thermometer (rectal preferably!), a prop prescription pad, etc. – you have the makings of a true “doctor’s office.”  And do not neglect lots of hand sanitizers.  Never before has sterility been so important in BDSM play.

Next step:  the white smock.  (Maybe you can get one at a Halloween close out!)  Put a nametag on it (Dr. Feelgood, perhaps?) and you are good to go.  Or get a nurses’ outfit if that is your scenario.

The fun in medical play is that the Dom/sub dynamic is built in.  The doctor is, by definition, the Top.  When a real life doctor says, “Get undressed,” or “Bend over and spread you cheeks,” you do as you are told.  This, of course, continues in BDSM medical role play – without the ethical constraints of the real-time doctor/patient relationship.  Here the “doctor” can examine you to his/her heart’s content without any restrictions — other than hard limits negotiated beforehand.  I believe this is one reason that medical play is so popular – even outside the BDSM world.

As to what is my fave, needle play is a personal favorite of mine. 

Needle play in a medical scene is a natural — although needle play is not solely done in medical scenes.  Often called “play piercings,” these are temporary, not permanent, piercings. 

In any medical scene with needles, your approach to sterility should mirror that of an actual doctor.  Sterility is essential, from the needles you buy to the play areas in your “office.”  When you buy your piercing needles, some medical supply houses offer ethylene oxide gas sterilization.  Ethylene oxide gas sterilization is an effective way — equivalent to autoclaving — to sterilize most medical play items.  All needles, scalpels, Wattenburg pinwheels, metal speculums, etc., should be sterilized using this method.  Once sterilized in this way, the items are sealed in plastic and are germ free until you use them  (Always use needles ONCE and throw them away as medical waste.)

Before you start your medical play-piercing session, wash your hands thoroughly with a hospital quality anti-bacterial soap.  (Seventy percent isopropyl alcohol is the CDC standard for anti-virus.)  Latex examination gloves should be placed on both hands immediately after washing.  The submissive’s skin should also be toweled with seventy percent isopropyl  alcohol wash to kill any residual skin bacteria and viruses.  You should have all these products on hand, neatly arranged on your medical table, so that the doctor role play and the sterility precautions you are taking merge seamlessly.  Here is a great area where real life and role play completely intersect.  As in any doctor/patient relationship, the “patient” should make sure that the “doctor” is as doctor-like as possible – or leave the office!

Although I might have gone overboard on sterility issues, keeping play germ-free is essential whenever medical scenes are being done – especially in this covid-19 world.  After all, if you go to a dirty doctor’s office, would you want him/her to examine you?  (Depends on what you mean by dirty!)  

Nevertheless, as sterility is so important nowadays, please don’t mind if I get a little annoyingly redundant. 

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

 

Dating advice – my boyfriend is a voyeur

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With the corona virus destroying a lot of our fun time, I felt it would be neat to find a question that is entertaining.  And this one, about peeping Tomism and other perversions (or kinks as our website says!), seems to fit the bill. 

Reader: I’m a female submissive who’s just starting a new relationship. We knew each other as friends first, but now we’re serious. There’s one thing about him that troubles me… He likes to watch people playing and having sex. He’s watched me masturbate a lot, and now he wants to watch me play with other people. I guess it really turns him on… I’m not totally opposed to it, but I don’t get it. What does it mean about him? Is he a “Peeping Tom”? Why would he want to watch when he could play with me himself?

Since you chatted online with your Dom before meeting him, it can safely be assumed (although one should never assume) that you did not state that voyeurism was a hard limit. If, in fact, this is a hard limit and it wasn’t discussed, then you have a problem that I probably cannot solve. (This does happen, believe it or not, from time to time!) Had you discussed his serious voyeuristic needs, you could have stopped the relationship before it started had this disturbed you to the “I can never do it” level. That is why I always recommend serious discussion of your kinks early on. But, enough Monday morning quarterbacking; we have your predicament to solve.

You ask, “What does it mean about him?” The answer is, “absolutely nothing.” We are all captives of our deepest perversions; some of us act on them, others don’t. I find that most so-called “normal people” are usually those who hide their darkest fantasies from their partners. One of the best aspects of this lifestyles is the “say it loud, I’m a perv and I’m proud” approach. Basically, we should just accept each other’s consensual-adult kinks and not make any value judgments. The only conclusion that matters is whether your partner’s kink works for you or not. How he/she got there is fodder for a shrink; it is less about what it means in the cosmic scheme of things than what it means to your relationship. 

You state that there is one problem that bothers you. Not two. Not three. One. This bodes well for you; one problem is easier to fix than a bunch of them. The question to ask regarding this dilemma is, does it turn you on or off? Can you get into it? Does it change your attitude toward your prospective Master? Remember, if you are going to think long-term, you must be able to deal with your partner’s major kink. The reason people enter this lifestyle is to feed their perversions; if they wanted to change them to a vanilla norm they would not be here. Thus, you must accept the fact that “what you see is what you get.” Whether you call it voyeurism or Peeping Tom-ism, you can bet that this is what really turns your Dom on. If you can get into his very specific kinks, then all will likely be fine. 

I would not try to change him; trying to modify a Dom’s behavior is rarely an effective strategy for success. Since your relationship is new, although you call it “serious,” you are still in the negotiating stage. Thus, I would discuss some other areas that you might like to have fulfilled. After all, unless he is a bust-out total 24/7 voyeur, chances are there are other areas in BDSM that you both enjoy that don’t involve voyeurism. 

The oft-repeated cliché that relationships are about communication is oft-repeated because it is true. And, communication cuts both ways. He has told you of his voyeuristic kink. You should be able to open up and tell him your perversions. This is a great opportunity for both of you to explore fresh areas of play. If voyeurism is not a hard limit – and it appear it is not – then just go with it and see where it leads. You might find you love it. Just as your Dom might enjoy play that excites you. As the great Dominant, James Bond, said, “Never say never!” 

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Humiliation scene ideas – Degrading words & phrases

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In this new hopefully temporary reality of “The Attack Of The Covids,” I have not been able to socialize, play and otherwise interact in the BDSM world. Then again, nobody else could. And although I could not get fresh questions, I had accumulated a bunch of questions.
For this week I have chosen a rather lightweight question. In the current state of affairs, I don’t think people want to think. Call this query kinkweekly light.
Reader: I’ve browsed the Internet but couldn’t find anything about BDSM and words — nasty words to be specific. I’m running out of words to degrade and humiliate my slave with! Please help.
Actually, what you are experiencing is to be expected. Eventually, you will run out of words and expressions with respect to any BDSM activity – let alone humiliation, which has a relatively small verbal arsenal to begin with. Sooner or later, you will find that you have to start repeating words. After all, there are just so many nasty, degrading words in the English language. Even if you add some of the following ten phrases to your verbal menu, thus expanding your vocabulary of degradation, you will still hit a wall if you constantly need fresh terminology.
  1. You worthless slutpig.
  2. You pitiful whore.
  3. You useless strumpet. (If you want to go Shakespearean on your slave!)
  4. You pathetic cunt.
  5. You deplorable hole.
  6. You awful, shameful POS (piece of shit.)
  7. You insignificant piece of rubbish.
  8. You unimportant, useless sack of shit.
  9. You disgraceful two-dollar whore.
  10. You execrable streetwalker.
Need more than just these ten? Just thumb through any thesaurus and you can come up with new and original degrading phrases. But only to a point. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but sooner or later, you will simply run out of words and phrases.
However, while you might exhaust your supply of humiliating expressions, if you are a real-time couple into humiliation play, you will never run out of ways to degrade your slave. (Before I continue, let me make it perfectly clear for our readers that humiliation play is exactly that – a specific type of BDSM play. It is in no way universal, or required, in a Master/slave relationship. And, as with all BDSM activities, it must be completely consensual with safe words.)
I have noticed that “baby” can be a term of affection, is also a popular term of degradation. If we go from the word “baby” to actual acts of humiliation involving infantilism, you can roleplay from today until doomsday and you won’t need a thesaurus to find synonyms for “baby” to keep your play fresh. For example, the use of baby pacifiers can expand your degradation palette in much greater ways than any new words or phrases can. Make your slave wear a baby pacifier, either in private or public, and you are now talking major humiliation! The range of degradation in baby play is staggering. It can go from forced baby talk all the way to wearing diapers. Thus, although you might run out of words, you surely won’t run out of ideas!
The same principle applies to just about any of the “big six” words – cunt, bitch, whore, slut, pig, baby. Let’s examine the word “whore.” Off the top of my head, I can only come up with about four terms that are somewhat equivalent — slut, hole, fuckpig and fuckhole. Not many. Again, once you add real-time roleplay into the mix, boredom and repetitiveness goes out the window. If your slave is a female, make her dress up as a streetwalker; if male, make him dress up as a transvestite hooker – in the house, at least for now. This is a virtual “Humiliations R Us!” You can keep this private or public, according to your preference. Or you can write the words “whore” and “slut” in marker on his/her body. This is major degradation – especially if you let others view your handiwork. The possibilities are endless.
If you are strictly into verbal humiliation, you must accept the fact that there will be times when your verbiage will become repetitive. Don’t beat yourself up over it. (Or, maybe, beat yourself up over it!) But once you expand your play into other forms of real-time humiliation, no matter how mild, you will find these limitations are immaterial.
On a life-and-death tip, let’s hope this national nightmare ends soon enough, Be safe.
About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.