Article - Baadmaster

Transitioning To The BDSM Lifestyle

January 10, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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I was speaking to a woman who said she wanted to explore BDSM. She claimed to be a total newbie, although I doubted it. Nevertheless, she asked me a question that I thought would be great for the ASK BAADMASTER series here on kinkweekly.com . So without any covid-19 talk for a change, here is her question.

Reader: I AM A VANILLA WHO HAS BEEN READING A LOT ABOUT BDSM. IT EXCITES AND INTRIGUES ME. BUT WHEN I ACTUALLY TRY ANYTHING – EVEN THE MOST RUDEMENTARY SELF BONDAGE — I GET VERY DEPRESSED. FURTHERMORE, I MET A REAL TIME DOMME ONLINE AND WHEN SHE TRIED TO INSTRUCT ME AND PERFORM SOME ROPE TIES, I STARTED TO CRY. SHE LIVES NEAR ME BUT I HAVE AVOIDED RE-MEETING HER. AM I JUST A WRONGF FIT FOR BDSM? AM I DOOMED TO LIVE IN THE VANILLA WORLD. HELPPPP!

They say everything has a purpose. Surely your internal being (for want of a better term) wants you to “improve” on your vanilla life. And it appears that you want to “transition” from your vanilla lifestyle to one that appeals to you. Most of us here have had to make that transition; very few of us are born “Oh great and wonderful Master or Mistress.”

And many here have not made this transition without some pain or doubt. Fortunately, most of us were able to interact with lifestylers in the many social events that most cities offer. Instead of social events, we have social distancing. Not a good formula for making a smooth journey from vanilla to BDSM. Add into that, you have given me little information as to your vanilla situation; I know not whether you are single or married, whether you have freedom to explore and other important life factors. But I can give you some general advice that you can build on, so when the social aspects of this lifestyle return, you will be ready and not crying. (Unless crying is part of a scene or play.) I will offer a half dozen essential questions that you should answer to facilitate your entrance into the real time world of BDSM.

Are you depending on BDSM to be an escape from your current malaise? Answer: I would not put all your escape eggs in one basket. Examine your vanilla life and try to see the good in it so that you don’t approach BDSM out of a sense of desperation.

Don’t ask your vanilla friends for advice nor tell them you are going “bondage.” I once told an acquaintance that I was exploring BDSM. He replied, “So you beat up your girlfriend?” Misconceptions abound, especially about this kinky world. Best to keep it to yourself unless you find a vanilla friend of a similar mindset to you. I might add that your soaking up all these misconceptions that fill the media could surface when someone flogs you or ties you up. This could be the reason for your tears.

Why throw away my support system? In this hypothetical example, you are not; you are merely electing to not use your vanilla friends (except for the occasional one who understands you deeply) as your support system. Over time, you will find like minded people to emotionally ground you. Best adage/advice: “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” This transition will take time.

Use this “no fun” respite to study as much as you can. Learn about yourself. Are you a Domme or a sub or a switch? What play excites you the most? Are you into pain? As Socrates wrote, “Know thyself.” As BaadMaster opines, “Use Google.”

Important: analyze the play that brought you to tears. For example, you might have had a bad experience in “vanilla choking”, thus being choked in a scene might bring out bad – or even unconscious — memories that make you cry. Go over all the scenes you plan and avoid activities that make you uncomfortable. You are under no obligation to try everything nor do things against your judgment – whether you are a Domme or sub.

Finally, in the “I can’t believe BaadMaster recommends” advice, I would ask you to rent “Fifty Shades of Grey” Granted it is very fanciful; the BDSM is often idiotic. But it will put you in the mood for your new bondage adventures. And it is always good for a laugh or two.

In closing, being a woman navigating a new lifestyle is tough enough, even if you have a support system. And soon, I hope, when the dungeons and the socials re-open, you will find new friends and a new support system. For now, following my six principles should make your transition a smooth one.

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Properly Preparing To Play

December 27, 2020 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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If you have been following my ASK BAADMASTER series here on kinkweekly.com, you might conclude that I am over-covering the pandemic on a kink site. I think I would be remiss in ignoring the pandemic as it has affected the kink community on many levels. For starters, live dungeons have been mostly closed. I would hope the new vaccines are a bright light at the end of a very dark tunnel. So I would like to answer questions that prepare us for the non-covid days ahead. Much will be review; so if your were a BDSM player and have not played for almost a year, you might want to go over aspects of play that you might have forgotten. There is never too much knowledge.

Reader: Recently, my kink group has been discussing what to do if something goes wrong or a pre-existing condition manifests itself during a scene. This kind of safety concern is beyond the usual. But, how can you prepare for any eventuality?

As a general rule, it is impossible to prepare for EVERY eventuality. If I could do this, I would be working for President Biden eliminating terrorism. But seriously… Regarding medical pre-existing conditions — you might open a productive dialogue before your scene, especially between first-time players. Make sure the players are aware of any pre- existing conditions and what its symptoms are so you can stop the scene quicker than usual.
Now onto safe words. Depending solely on safe words is not the end-all and be-all to safety. (Although they are definitely better than anything that comes in second).

The trick to using safe words effectively (and this seemingly obvious bit of advice might be extremely valuable to you) is “simplicity.” Although the standard safe word is “red,” many people try to pick out their own personal safe word. They want style. “Greef” might be a cool safe word between ‘Mandalorean’ fans, but when panic time sets in and the mind starts spinning, these words might not be at the tip of the tongue. “Red” works for stop signs. “Red” works for scening. Use “red.”

I also advocate the use of a safe signal. When you use a ball gag in a scene, the bottom –unless he/she is a ventriloquist — cannot give a safe word. So agree on a safe signal based on what type of scene you are doing. A great one is a shaking of the head continuously left to right — like a “no” signal. This is unmistakable, and does not require the hands, which might be bound. Between safe words and safe signals, you have increased safety a hundred fold.

Most BDSM writers always talk about a “safe call.” In this case the old expression –“after all is said and done, more is said than done” — is applicable. Most people never use the safe call procedure. But if used properly, safe calls are really good tools. In this age of the cell phone, it is really easy to have someone standing by waiting for your call to see if all is well – and to arrange for any contingency plans should help be required.
Another safety key is…not playing with unsafe players! Sometimes there are players who have gained a reputation for being unsafe; most times these reputations — if they are widespread and repeated by respected members of the community — have some basis in fact. Stay away. But there are other red flags. When playing for the first time, a big red flag is when the Top says, “I never allow a safe word.” They might rationalize it by saying something like, “I am into TPE and do not believe in safe words.” Well, many in TPE relationships do eschew the safe word. But this only happens after a relationship is established; eliminating the safe word is generally negotiated after playing for awhile. Anyone who says “no safe words” right out of the box really hasn’t got a clue.

As for the scene itself, the oft-repeated advice of planning a scene in advance will add to the safety of it. Some scenes are pretty safe in and of themselves — an interrogation scene, for example. Others — such as mummification or breath play — are much more dangerous. Make sure the skill level of the Dominant (as he/she is in control) matches the danger quotient (D.Q.) of the scene being attempted. If you notice, I would rather head off problems before they arise. “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” also applies in BDSM play.

If you have extra time on your hands, I have written a companion piece on safety on this site: https://www.kinkweekly.com/?s=safe+words Play safe when you return to play! And if you have not played in a while, there is nothing wrong in going over safety essentials (as in “Don’t forget aftercare”) before you re-visit your favorite dungeon!

BDSM And Religion

December 12, 2020 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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Introspection; in this covid wrecked world (soon to be put back together again with slew of vaccines), there has been lots of time for reflection.
Now introspection is close to useless in a game of basketball; but if one is spending a lot of time indoors – as many of us are during this unrelenting virus attack – one might wind up analyzing our lives with a bit more contemplation. And once one wanders into the sea of self-examination, religion – sooner or later – will rear its cope and mitre’d head.
This weeks question is one that I have been carrying around in my “question bag” (there is no such thing as a “question bag”) for what seems like an eternity. But this query enabled me to answer a religious question with a BDSM twist. So here goes:

Reader: I have been drawn to BDSM for most of my life, but am somewhat confused on one point: I am a devout Christian, and my faith is an important part of my life. Is it possible to be a sub, and a Christian both? Any and all guidance would be greatly appreciated.

Although I am not a theologian, nor do I play one on TV, I have found a surprising number of Christians who are into D/s and BDSM and have concluded that devout Christianity and our lifestyle are actually quite compatible with each other. Surprising, huh? Of course, it can be argued that one can support any argument using the Bible; and, although my biblical quotes are accurate, my interpretations – like all interpretations – are open to challenge. That said, it’s time for BaadMaster’s “Sermon on the Net!”

Ephesians 5:22
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.

Colossians 3:18
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
The Bible is pretty unswerving in preaching a submissive role for wives. It is a common theme in both the Old and New Testament. In fact, if you were reading the Bible for the first time, you might think it was a guidebook for female submission. Of course, these biblical admonitions will not thrill progressive females. I guess BDSM and D/s will always have some enemies!

Ephesians 5:24
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

In this verse, you can even see justification for high-protocol submission. The use of the word “everything” is pretty dramatic. I think any submission, from weekend submissive to TPE slave, is covered in this admonition.

Peter 2:18
Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh.

With regard to BDSM play, this verse appears to be a ringing endorsement. This sounds an awful lot like a T.P.E. Master/slave relationship to me – where the Master is a bit of a sadist!

Hebrews 13: Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but adulterers God will judge.This admonition is usually interpreted to mean that anything you do in the marriage bed — except adultery — goes. So, spank away!

If you think about it, it is not surprising that BDSM and Christianity are compatible. Much of Christianity has, at its root, a theme of Dominance and submission. The wedding vow to “love, honor and obey” has been part of the liturgy for ages; only recently has it been altered to reflect a more politically correct world. (Although many couples still opt to keep it in.) Thus, to this observer, it could be argued that for a woman to not be submissive is actually un-Christian! (Amazing, eh?)

The only area where the BDSM lifestyle and being a devout Christian seem to be at odds is on the issue of marriage. The Bible is pretty unambiguous in declaring that sex between an unmarried couple is unacceptable. But this biblical proscription is not about BDSM and D/s; rather it is a universal ban against pre-marital sex. (Although most Christians seem to disregard this warning; few marry as virgins.) But this is a moral question for the population at large; this is not a consideration specific to our lifestyle. And you can always marry your Master – or Mistress!

As you can see, the Bible is pretty clear about the submissive role of women. It is in the area of male submission, whether it is with a woman or another man, where the Bible is less than supportive, to say the least. But even here, there is good news for you.

Just as there are passages in the Bible that can support pretty much any point of view, there are Churches that run the gamut from ultra-conservative to radically liberal. For example, there are those that preach against homosexuality, while there are others that embrace openly gay clergymen and clergywomen.

Thus, no matter what your gender or sexual orientation, you should be able to find a Church that welcomes you with open arms. One that embraces you as a submissive — a role that the Bible clearly endorses!

Trust in Power Exchange

November 22, 2020 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

With the corona virus extending its “Reign of Error” (as a lot of people have got this pandemic wrong) into every area of our lives, I suggest we protect the most important areas in our lives WHEN POSSIBLE! (Was that the longest sentence in kink weekly?) To clarify: obviously, we cannot just go back to business as usual. For example, except for Mistress Cyan’s Virtual Dungeon, all the bondage clubs, at least in L.A., are closed. So, what to do to keep our bondage skills sharp and to also have fun.By some magical coincidence, I was going through my “questions bag” (which really isn’t a bag) and found a query that, although written pre-pandemic, was rather prescient and deserves to be answered. So here we go:

Reader: I’m a newbie, but am very interested in expanding my horizons. It’s giving control to someone else that appeals most to me about the bondage world. I love games of the mind, and have always been a control freak in every aspect of my life. The idea of a Dom having his way with me is thoroughly exciting. BUT it is also scary. How do I learn to trust someone? To lose control? How do I stay safe?

It appears (emphasis on the word “appears”) that many people who are control freaks in their everyday world long to give up control in their BDSM life. They not only find it exciting, but they also like the break from being controlling and responsible. But, as the saying goes, “Old habits die hard.” The desire to give up control, no matter how freeing and appealing it might be, is often easier said than done.

Thus, you are not alone in desiring to make the transition from day-to-day “Domme” to a submissive. The keys to making this big leap are threefold: a) “fantasy vs. need” b) “Rome wasn’t built in a day” and c) “letting go is a process.” Let’s examine, in detail, each of these three “keys” that I proposed.

The first one is “fantasy vs. need.” Is giving up control just a hot fantasy or is it an actual need of yours? Many people have sexual or BDSM fantasies that get them excited. But, as I have stated many times, there is no rule that says you must act on every craving that floats your boat. It might just be that due to your personal situation, this “submissive fantasy” is one that might best be left unexplored. On the other hand, if you have a true “submissive need,” then you should forget that it is scary and just give it a shot.

For most adults, consensual needs, I suggest – if at all possible – you not leave them unfulfilled. If this is your case, and submission is an unbending need and not just a pie-in-the-sky fantasy, then it is time to get to the “Rome wasn’t built in a day” principle.Learning to trust someone is a step-by-step progression. Trust is neither automatically given nor demanded – it must be earned over time. Thus, you have a right to be wary of any new Dom you play with – until he establishes the level of trust you feel comfortable with. As with any human endeavor, there are variations from person to person. Thus, it might take you more time to be at ease with one Dom than another.

Trust your instincts. This is especially true with respect to safety issues. In play, make sure you have a safe word and don’t be afraid to use it. If you do, and the Dom respects it, that is one way trust is built. Again, don’t expect instant trust. Furthermore, if your Dom tells you “I don’t believe in safe words” right out of the box, this is a big red flag. This is – especially in your case, where you have apprehension – as close to a “no-go” as you can find.Finally, about “letting go.” This is the end result of the whole process; it is not the process itself. It happens automatically after everything else has fallen into place. You don’t have to worry about it. In fact, worry (along with tension, doubt and too much thinking) is the enemy of “letting go.”

When you trust your Dom implicitly, when you aren’t stressing about safety issues, when you become less self-conscious about the whole idea of submitting, then you will automatically “let go.” A good Dom will put you at ease about your concerns and free your mind to perform the tasks that he will demand of you — the actions that, taken in totality, define “submission.” Believe me, with all the decisions that are thrust upon me during thin pandemic, I too would like to be an “Un-Dom” for week or two! Or even a day!The beauty of submission is that, ideally, it is a mental state wherein your mind is freed from all concerns other than the submission itself. Thus, by its very definition, it cannot exist until all your other fears and doubts are dispelled. And, except in very rare circumstances, that takes time!

Kinky Sex vs. BDSM

October 24, 2020 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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With so many couples bored indoors because of the pandemic, many are looking to add some spice to their life other than watching the latest Zombiefest on AMC. I have gotten many questions similar to the following one, so I figured it is time to give some friendly advice on the matter. So here it is:

Reader: My partner and I have played with kinky sex, but what do we have to do to take that to BDSM? What are the differences?

Many people, including me, came to this lifestyle after experimenting with kinky sex and then wanting to take the leap into BDSM. This is to be expected; if you experiment in one area of play – sex – why not try out other arenas? This step is not a big one in and of itself. As the old Chinese proverb states, a journey of a million miles begins with just a single step. For many kinksters, that first stride may have already been taken – a little spanky-spank! If you are already a sexual adventurer (or adventuress), chances are you have done at least a little spanking. And, if you haven’t, you should make spanking that first step. For one thing, you already have the spanking implement of choice readily available — your hand. No trips to the BDSM store needed. No instructions necessary. Just beat and eat! (Groan….)

Each step you take brings you closer to integrating BDSM into your “kinky sex and play” journey. For example, if you find spanking is adding excitement to your kinky sex sessions – then just “follow the yellow brick road.” This road leads to an array of toys that will add even more spice and variety to your spanking scenes. Learning to use a flogger, a paddle, a cane or any number of implements is not difficult to do. Buy a flogger. Buy a riding crop. Buy a paddle. These items can be ordered online, won’t bankrupt you and are easy to master. Just settle on a safe word and play.

Start gently and hit harder over time and let the safe word be your guide. This is not rocket science. It is a stepwise entry into a lifestyle that will dovetail seamlessly and effortlessly into your kinky sex world. These first steps alone – hand spanking, flogging, caning, paddling, cropping — can keep you entertained for years. (Hopefully the corona virus will be gone by then!) If you want to take it further, or if spanking is not your cup of tea, entry into many other forms of BDSM play is as easy as A.B.C.

Step A. Just find those pictures on the Internet (kinkweekly.com, fetlife.com and youtube.com are great sources) that turn you on. Your body will tell you what gets you hot; no need to think too much! For example, if bondage pictures excite you, add immobilization to your spanking sessions. Just buy some rope (the Home Depot is open) and tie your submissive’s wrists to the bedposts, and voila — instant bondage! If you are not a natural at using rope, then use leather wrist/ankle cuffs and a bunch of metal karibeeners to get the job done. (Karibeeners are those spring-loaded aluminum locking links that are used for mountain climbing; easy on, easy off. I used them recently (until the dungeons closed) for many of my bondage scenes. Once the bottom is immobilized then go to step B.

Step B. Emulate the techniques used in the photos/videos that get you hot. If putting nipple clamps on the breasts of the bound submissive does it for you, nipple clamps it is. If the submissive is blindfolded, use a blindfold. If the bottom is wearing a ball gag, then use a ball gag. (In this particular case, agree on a safe signal.) Which leads to C.

Step C. Use your imagination. Be inventive in your BDSM play. Experiment. As long as you are playing safely, you are playing correctly.

Step D. Add D/s play into your repertoire. This is easy – especially if one in Dominant and the other is submissive. Obedience and punishment are the basis of this interaction.

As to the differences between BDSM and kinky sex, I haven’t a clue. Remember, you can have a BDSM session without any sex at all – kinky or otherwise. Or, you can combine them. Or, you can even mix vanilla sex and kinky BDSM. Any and all combinations are possible. You might say that kinky sex and BDSM are like that steakhouse chain’s slogan, “No rules, just right!”

Getting Kinky With Your Partner

October 10, 2020 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

hot Domme ass with crop — via stock.adobe.com

With the corona virus still hanging around like a psychotic relative with a gun, we cannot ignore it. With all the dungeons closed, with contact risky and with Mistress Cyan sponsoring Virtual Dungeons, many of the questions that I have answered recently came from a pile of questions I kept around for just such an emergency. But the following query was one I received a couple of weeks ago.

“What would you do if you’d been with your SO for many years and recently found that your BDSM needs were developing and your SO’s weren’t? How would you resolve a growing apparent incompatibility? How do you take someone on a journey with you when they are resistant or uninterested? How do you stay with the one you love despite those dilemmas?”

It is a cliché in every advice column to say, “the key to a successful relationship is communication.” I guess it is a cliché because it is so true. But your dilemma will not be resolved simply by discussing your needs. BDSM isn’t Dr. Full-Of-It’s simple answers for complex questions. (Is he still around?) Oft times, in vanilla relationships, you can just say, “I need oral sex a little more” and voila! The other partner replies, “I will do that if you do this (such as dress sexier, etc.)” This might not solve the deeper problems in the relationship, but it can be a quick fix for the sex aspects. BDSM problems, on the other hand, are not so easy to repair.

In your situation, it appears the actual relationship/love part is solid, but the play aspects are falling apart. And play is very important in a BDSM relationship. You might say it is the basis of it. So, what to do?

Your strategy would depend on the answer to one big question. How much does your partner know about your BDSM needs? Does he/she participate with you? And are you overreacting and getting all bent out of shape because your partner lost interest in BDSM because of the pandemic?

If your partner is totally in the dark about the true depth of your BDSM needs, you must determine whether you wish to risk wrecking a good long-term relationship to disclose them. If they are very strong in your case, I suggest you take a risk. More than likely, you will succumb to these urges somewhere down the road, so why not address the problem as soon as possible. Procrastination solves nothing. But more about that later. (“We will be right back!”) I would simply tell your partner that you have very deep BDSM desires and explain exactly what they are in the most enticing way. And don’t be afraid to state them loud and clear. Explain what you really, really, really want, what turns you on. You have been with this person for many years, so chances are you discuss more than the weather in Topeka. If you are lucky – very lucky – and explain “home dungeon” BDSM play in an exciting way, you just might strike gold. Also make sure that your SO (Significant Other? Social Outcast? LOL) is just going through this disinterest phase as a result of the pandemic.

If, however, he/she either is aware of your BDSM needs – even to the point of partaking in them – a different strategy is needed. If one of you keeps a BDSM diary, look for points of intersection. See what BDSM play turns the two of you on, and make sure to point it out. You might be surprised how much play you both want to experience together.

If you are the Top, then it will be easy to redirect your play toward your partner’s area of interests. This is not to say, let the bottom totally control the direction of the relationship. It is to say, let the bottom have some fun! You will find the bottom is more responsive to activities that you prefer when there is a mix of activities he/she likes too.

If you are the submissive, your relationship – no matter what the protocol – should allow you to voice your opinions freely. State your needs to your Top, and explain that you need more of certain BDSM activities. Be clever and select play that both of you enjoy. A diary is a great device for discovering what interests you and your partner share. It is easy to get “more” when the “more” is fun!

Of course, if your partner simply has absolutely lost interest in BDSM,for whatever reason, and you love it, I really cannot help you there. But it is better to find this out sooner than later.

I would bet it is a temporary situation caused by this pandemic. I haven’t gone to a dungeon since this craziness started. I have tried to both answer your question and suggest that your problems are caused by this virus. These are insane times and it would be a shame if your relationship got destroyed by this microbe. Hasn’t it done enough damage? My assumption could be wrong; but if I am right you will look at your problem in a different light.

These times are trying enough without having to deal with the relationship problems that the virus is causing.

How To Start Your BDSM Journey

September 26, 2020 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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Once again the question unintentionally revolves around Covid-19. At first, I wanted to keep the questions strictly on D/s and BDSM. But it seems the less you talk about it, the more it dominates our thought processes – like the elephant in the room. So, even though the following question is really about BDSM and not about the virus, it really is. Or something like that. So here goes!

Reader: My husband and I are in a long-term vanilla relationship. But recently, with these new “stay at home” directives, we spend a lot more time together, so we both want to include BDSM play in our lives. Do you have any starting points, pointers, or references for us?

Good news! My personal experience is that BDSM relationships have the longest lifespan when vanillapartners discover this lifestyle together. This is especially true if the duo is entering the BDSM world while still in a fulfilling relationship. So if my “polling data” is correct, this move bodes well for you. Now, how do you start? Simple…

First, read kinkweekly.com (plug, plug) – and the archives — to get a sense of the BDSM verbiage and other basics. Once you know the ropes, everything will seem that much easier.

Second, determine who is the Dominant and who is the submissive. If you are lucky, hubby will go one way, and you will go the other way. If you both want to be Tops or both want to be bottoms, we are going to have some trouble. The easiest way to find out what you are (if you don’t already know) is to talk about what turns each of you on. Surely your desire to add BDSM to your activities did not come out of the blue. Likely you both have concepts if what BDSM is about and how you want to integrate it into your lives. You are probably more semi-vanilla than straight vanilla.

I would suggest you take the activity that turns you both on the most and plan out your first “scene” together. What follows is my suggestion for a good way to get into BDSM play. This scene uses easy-to-find, inexpensive BDSM implements, does not require extensive BDSM furniture and is fun and easy to do! And it entails light rope bondage and cropping which are among the most popular BDSM activities of all.

First, pick your safeword. “Red” is the default safeword. Then, get some rope available at any Home Depot kind of store. And most are open. (Don’t forget your mask!) Make sure it is soft but strong. Get a riding crop with a large flat end. (Not the thin cropping end, as those tend to sting a lot). Crops are available at adult websites and should cost no more than forty bucks. Have the submissive lie face down. Tie up the hands and feet (not too tight until you get some experience under your belt!)

Then crop the submissive’s butt. Use light and soft strokes. Do not assume the lack of a safeword gives you the right to flail away. The butt should be reddened, but avoid any marking at this point. As you are man and wife, it is unlikely the Top here would want any harm to come to the submissive partner. I would give a ten to fifteen minute cropping to start. Then comfort (“aftercare”) and untie the submissive. This is just one suggestion; whatever you do keep your entry scene simple and safe.

Here is where my constant reminder to communicate comes in. Do not forget to discuss the scene you just did; I think this is a great way to begin.
I might add that, although this article might be a bit too “beginnerish” for most of you, if the pandemic continues much longer, I might need a refresher course. After all, it’s hard to hone your skills “playing in an empty dungeon”!

How To Craft A Successful Feminization Scene

September 12, 2020 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

Reader: My submissive is a part-time drag queen. We’re interested in trying a multi-day feminization scene. I’m not certain of techniques to keep it going for such a long time without the scene becoming boring. Can you spare any advice, tips, or information?

Since this is a multi-day scene you are attempting, I feel there are safety issues as well as boredom ones here. After all, a multi-day scene is unusual enough to be exciting in and of itself! So, let’s talk about safety.
Now without being privy to your actual game plan – and the specifics of your relationship – much of this advice will be laid out in general terms. That said, let’s examine the safety issues. (I think by now I can skip the sterilization admonitions that come with this pandemic; they have been covered ad-infinitum).

In your scene, safety concerns are less the physical ones than the emotional or psychological ones. Obviously, you should both agree on a safe word and a safe signal. But the presence of a safe word/signal, in this type of scene, does not by itself guarantee safety. That is because it is not the physical aspects of forced feminization scenes that are the most dangerous. For most players, these scenes present few physical dangers (excepting cock & ball torture and such — which might or might not be part of your scene). Despite the lack of true physical danger, forced feminization scenes can be very, very, very (notice the multiple “very’s”!) intense. They, by their very nature, enter into areas that can be psychically sensitive.

In your case, you are about to embark on a multi-day scene. When doing a scene over such an extended time frame, you can wander into areas that you might not ordinarily enter into – both good and bad. The bad aspects can be traced to the fact that psychic reactions can run deeper here than in your typical one or two hour scene. Oft times “forced feminization” scenes bring up gender identity and humiliation issues that are usually self-limiting in a shorter scene.

One thing working in your favor is that your submissive already is a part time drag queen. Thus, “forced feminization” is something, I am sure, he has already fantasized about. But, you must be totally aware of how far he wants you to take it and what his limits are. Does he have true transgender needs that a long scene of this nature might have an effect on? Transgender issues are not to be toyed with. These are serious, and very delicate, aspects of the human psyche.

You should also grasp the scope of the scene so as to stop it — even without a safe word being uttered. If you see that your submissive is having problems within the scene, you must be sensitive enough to go slow, alter it or stop it on your own.

You must really have a deep understanding of your submissive before you get into areas where gender identity is played with. As the Top, you must not cross those boundaries that can cause psychic damage to your submissive. A short one-hour play scene is one thing. A multi-day scene is another thing entirely.

A long scene of extreme duration has a totally different dynamic than your average short scene. Let me give you a real life example. A slave I know had no trouble being caged for a few hours. But when her Master wanted to cage her for three days, she refused to partake – even at risk of their relationship. (In fact, this incident destroyed it.) Long time frames radically alter the actual act itself.

In your case, since this is a first-time scene for you, you must be acutely aware of the multi-day aspects of it. If you are diligent about keeping control over your scene at all times, understand your submissive very well and grasp the danger inherent in your scene, you will be able to have an awesome experience.

Balancing D/s relationship with career

August 23, 2020 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

sexy man and woman power exchange handcuffs — via stock.adobe.com

I have been trying to steer clear of the COVID-19 pandemic in my articles. But there are questions that were sent to me before the pandemic. And some of these – such as this week’s query – seem to unintentionally refer back to this God-awful virus, since many have had a 24/7 situation thrust on them Thus, I will structure my answer so it could apply to almost any combination of live-in D/s arrangements. The question:

Reader: My Master works out of our house. I have a regular 9-5 job, which I had before we met; we both agreed to me continuing my career. I am concerned that I cannot live up to his 24/7 ideal because of my employment situation. Do you think I can? Any tips how best to manage this situation?

First of all, since your Master was in favor of you continuing your job, he clearly did not want you to serve him literally 24/7. True live-in 24/7 service, where the slave serves the Master 24/7, is actually rare in this lifestyle. I don’t have statistics, but the number of live-in slaves who do not work is surprisingly small, Fifty Shades notwithstanding. This happens for a myriad of reasons. One is that many people do not want to be in the company of another all the time. Personally, I like my alone time. Another is that many slaves are career oriented. Having a job can be very fulfilling; again, your Master – from day one – was clearly in favor of your career. Besides, a second paycheck can be a welcome addition to any household in this decade, M/s or otherwise. Thus, for one or all of these reasons, your Master was cool with you having a job. It appears that concerns about the “24/7 ideal” are yours, not his.

The key is to understand, as your Master seemingly does, that 24/7 does not have to literally mean 24/7. Of course, for some, it can. All Master/slave relationships are unique and there is no universal standard; it appears to me that 24/7 is more a state of mental slavery than one of physical servitude. The best example I can give you is that of marriage. Even when you are at work, you are married. If you are 3000 miles away from each other, you are married – and married 24/7. Similarly, if you are a collared slave, you are collared 24/7. The collar does not come off your neck when you are apart. (Velcro collars exempted!) That said, one must not slack off when it comes to being a good slave. And that is a legitimate concern. So, let me offer you some tips to keep you on your game.

One problem of having a job is that you can be exhausted when you come home from work, especially if you add in corona virus stress. If your job has any submissive aspects to it – like an executive assistant – there can be a tendency to mentally say, “I don’t want to get anyone anything. I am worn out.” Rather than serve grudgingly, you might mention that you are particularly tired that day. Your Master just might just go light on you. Communication is always the key.

On the other hand, on those days when you are not dragging, make a special effort to be a terrific slave. Your Master will appreciate the extra exertion – and it will more than make up for the days when your job wore you out. So, don’t be so hard on yourself. Some days are simply better than others – from both the Dom/me and sub point of view.

The key is to realize you are not actually serving 24/7 – so on those hours when your Master expects you to be at his beck and call, you should be very attentive. Don’t underestimate your Dom/me; a wise Master will understand the time management aspects of owning a slave with a job – especially nowadays. You really have nothing to worry about. Just serve well when you are required to, and communicate with him when you are unable to be the perfect slave due to job fatigue or other work-related factors..

Never forget the 24/7 ideal is just that – an ideal. It rarely exists. Most of us, the fictional Christian Grey excepted, live in the real world. In your case, your Master was accepting of your employment. It follows that he will also accept the ebbs and flows that any time-intensive job – and our current pandemic– will cause. The best advice I can offer you is to do your best, communicate effectively, and, more than likely, all will be fine.

Can two switches collar each other?

August 8, 2020 By Baadmaster Leave a Comment

hot male submissive in collar — via stock.adobe.com

In my search for entertaining and unique questions, I have run across many that are ridiculous. But rarely have I encountered a question that initially hit me as joke material, but then, on closer examination, had some very serious elements buried within. The following question is cut from this mold. So, laugh and learn!

Reader: Can two switches collar each other? How would this process work with power exchange? After ten years together, my partner and I would like to make our commitment outwardly clear, but we’re unsure as to the steps for our specific combination. We’re new to the BDSM community, and so any advice you can give us will be greatly appreciated.

First of all, after you are finished laughing at two people collaring each other, let’s make a distinction between a play collar and a commitment collar.

In a play collar situation, the answer is pretty obvious. All you have to do is negotiate who is the Top and who is the bottom for the scene, and the Top puts the play collar on the bottom and the scene proceeds. Unless you want to switch in the middle of the scene – or at five-minute intervals – this will work out just fine. It is when you are considering a real (for want of a better term) collar – one that implies a D/s relationship – where a little more thought is required.

The key thing to remember is that, in this case, collaring means commitment.Of course, since collaring evolved out of the term “slave collar,” it does have D/s implications in it. But, to me, the commitment aspects seem far more critical than any Dominant/submissive facets of it. As all of our BDSM rituals are not strictly codified, and are loosely based on an oral tradition that dates back to the Old Guard Leather Societies, there are no hard and fast rules for collaring. Thus, I see no valid reason why the two of you cannot be collared to one another.

BDSM is a constantly evolving lifestyle. The question is how best to go about it.As I see it – and this is new territory for me — you should figure out a way to preserve the “slave collar” tradition and adapt it to your personal situation. And here is my suggestion. Try to figure out which of you is the more dominant partner. Surely, as switches, you do not switch exactly fifty percent of the time. (Possible, but unlikely.) In your life, there must be a hierarchy that gives one or the other a bit more dominance or a bit more submission. Or, you might want to see which of you is more dominant or submissive in play.

After ten year together, you should have a feel for the dynamics, no matter how subtle the distinction might be.Using either criterion, the more dominant partner can offer the more submissive one the collar. This keeps it within the basic D/s framework. And if you are contemplating a ceremony with lifestyle friends, they will be more concerned with the commitment part of the ceremony than the personal Dom/sub components of your relationship on a day-to-day basis.You might also find that having a contract — although in your case it would not be a typical “slave contract” — might add a bit of clarity to the breadth and scope of your BDSM relationship.

I am a big advocate of contracts; a contract would be a useful adjunct to your collaring. Besides, the negotiations involved with contracts can be incredibly enlightening.In general, my personal problem with collars is with the Velcro aspects of them, not the nuts and bolts of who is collaring whom. I see far too many collars that are shorter lived than a Hollywood marriage. I could care less if a collared couple does not maintain a D/s dynamic that is consistent.

Let them switch, let them have vanilla days. My concern is that the collar truly means commitment. And in your case, as a ten-year couple, it seems that you have the commitment thing down.So go out and have a great ceremony. There is nothing more beautiful than to see a collaring ceremony witnessed by lifestyle friends. Especially when you know that it is a truly meaningful collar.And in your case, it sure seems like this collar will be on your — or your partner’s — neck for a long time.

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