Article - Baadmaster

Entering Back Into The Scene

July 8, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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As we all start returning to our usual pre-covid ways, I would guess that one of the problems specific to our lifestyle is the “If you don’t use it you lose it” principle. I know my flogging skills have deteriorated quite a bit. As an example, I was playing with a new sub last Saturday and actually missed the target get a couple of times. Fortunately, I was aware that when dealing with ropes, canes and floggers it is easy to screw up after an enforced “vacation.” The oft-quoted principle of “Dominant Infallibility”comes up very short after a layoff. This article, in place of my usual ”Ask BaadMaster”column, is a collection of tips to make your transition back into our world of dungeons and discipline a little easier. So here goes:

Go Slow. My first tip, distilled from my experiences as outlined in the introduction, is to “Go Slow.” Just as athletes take it slow when returning from an injury, we should too. This is especially true in impact play. And this +approach would apply to the bottoms/subs too. Like it or not, subs can be very demanding. So when first playing, don’t goad the Top into hitting you harder. We waited so long to get back our play spaces, one week or two won’t be that critical

Opportunity knocks.. If you are in a no-protocol or low-protocol relationship, it is easy to add a few rituals to your arsenal. For example, after your sub comes home on a Friday night and you have cleared out some play time, instruct her/him to perform a greeting ritual. Typically, the sub kneels in front of the Dominant and kisses his feet. Or, introduce some leash and collar play. Either of these not only adds a new dimension to your sub’s submission, but it also helps transition him/her from the basically vanilla world of quarantine to BDSM play. Just adding a little extra pre-D/s can work wonders when you finally get back to BDSM.

Add a new toy. I know you have lots of toys, but I doubt you own every one that is made! Search for a new toys at the local sex shop or online BDSM store. It might take a some effort, but as the martial artists (and sadists, too) say, “No pain, no gain!”
Add some discipline into your play life. This can get a bit tricky, because you cannot suddenly become a stern disciplinarian when you have not been one a year or more. I would tackle an area you have been neglecting. For example, have her wear a specific makeup that gets you hot; tell her to dress in fetish clothes or demand she do specific acts that you have discussed but have not gotten around to doing. Every couple has a few of these. If she refuses, then you can get into the punishment mode that can also be exciting. (This is from an “Ask BaadMaster” query,)
Use unique punishments. Since there is every chance your sub might not comply with your orders after a year or more away from the Dungeon,, you must devise some new and unique punishments that get you off and she has not experienced. For example, one punishment I find particularly effective is the use of a baby pacifier. Just the threat of making your partner wear one can have a profound impact. Many Dom/me’s use sexual deprivation as punishment. This is a great opportunity to expand your BDSM palette.
Don’t forget rewards. This one is easy to overlook. Piercings, tattoos and BDSM jewelry might work perfectly, depending on your relationship. And, if you expand your reward criteria to the non-BDSM world, you will have no trouble rewarding your sub for her excellent behavior.
Don’t call it a comeback! (Thanks, LL!) Don’t forget to include the most basic aspects of play when you are scening. It might seem obvious, but – even at the risk of looking foolish – go over safe words, safe signals and do not forget aftercare! Better to look foolish than be foolish.

Read our archives. There are tons of great articles archived here on Kink Weekly! Not only can you be a more effective Dom/me or sub with additional knowledge, but you can short-circuit the time needed to get back into top form.

This pandemic has had widespread affects on just about every field of endeavor – from chess to BDSM play. But think of it as an opportunity. Since one key to our lifestyle is inventiveness, use this chance to be…inventive!!!

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

BDSM Virgin Rapture

June 9, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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Occasionally I get questions about the BDSM world I am not familiar with. Usually, I have at least read about the basis of the query; it is rare that I have never even heard anything about that issue. Going through my files (I am still using my stored questions until our community returns to normal – which should be soon) I came across this term – “virgin rapture” – with which I am totally unfamiliar with. So here goes:

Reader: I’d like you to address what I’ve heard referred to as “virgin rapture.” It’s defined in Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns as: “A period of time wherein a newcomer is so overwhelmed by BDSM that they think the world revolves around it and can never imagine returning to any other form of sexuality.” I remember having these feelings and becoming quite confused and depressed when those feelings died Is this normal?

“New!” You hear this word in just about every ad on TV. The “new and improved” Dyson vacuum cleaner is touted on every other infomercial. New and improved? It’s really just another vacuum cleaner. But occasionally something touted as “new” is really fresh and not just ad-speak. For example, the iPhone was truly innovative. HDTV was so revolutionary that I even went out and bought one! And, finally, “new” BDSM. If groundbreaking audio or video hardware can get your juices flowing, imagine the effect of a radically new “sex and play” system! I would guess that everybody who first gets into BDSM has been blown away by it. In my case, I got so excited, I even started writing about it. Talk about “virgin BDSM rapture!” So “virgin rapture” is quite real and nothing unusual.

There are two problems that you allude to in your question. The first is that you feel worried about returning to any other “non-BDSM form of sexuality,” as you put it, once the feeling dies. If this is your primary dilemma, it is no predicament at all. (Unless you have a spouse or partner who is not into joining you on your BDSM journey; but that is another topic entirely.) There is no rule around here that says, “You cannot practice any other form of sexuality.” If you have no need for any other forms of sexuality, so be it. You should not feel guilty about any play choice, so long as it is between consenting adults. If you only want BDSM, only do BDSM. If you want to add vanilla into your BDSM play to spice it up, go for it. There are no rules here other than consent and age legalities.

The second, and more common, problem of “virgin rapture” is the troubles that emerge when the newness and novelty of BDSM wear off and boredom sets in. This often happens sometime after you lose your BDSM virginity. This can occur within months, but often it takes years. That boredom can occur in our BDSM lifestyle, at first glance, would appear unlikely. After all, there are so many ways to play; it seems that you will never run out of exciting things to do. Wrong! This problem is not confined to BDSM; it is universal. The problem with anything new is that, by definition, it ultimately becomes old. Many people, when the BDSM becomes boring, blame it on BDSM. But, it is really just the fault of the new becoming, as it inevitably will, old. What to do? There are two suggestions I can offer.

I recommend going through the kink weekly archives where you will find tons of play ideas. Here you can find a list of “new” things to do. For example – https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/bdsm-ideas-nipple-play-clamps-clips-suction is but one article that will give you ideas for fresh play. You might not be able to recreate “virgin rapture,” but you can find many activities that fall into the “new and exciting” category.

Another way to go is to look over your diaries. If you keep BDSM diaries – and I always suggest that the Dom request the sub to keep diaries, even if only from time-to-time – you can see what you did, play-wise and Ds-wise, when you were in the “virgin rapture” phase. Try and duplicate the play and the mindset that you have annotated in those diaries. Even without a diary, you can try to recreate early BDSM scenes from memory.

Between new play ideas and your BDSM diaries, you will be able to evoke the “virgin rapture” period of your BDSM life. Factoring in the experience you have gained through your BDSM journey, you might even find that, even after our forced boredom of covid quarantine, “virgin rapture, part two” can even be better than “virgin rapture, part one!”

Intro To Poly Play

May 20, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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Finally, with the light at the end of this long, dark tunnel beginning to break through, I am starting to get emails that seem to be assuming the end of this “Crazy-Covid” year. As many of us were in some form of “quarantine” at home, those questions that I have gotten were, naturally, relationship-based queries. After all, play questions tend to be technical and usually revolve around “how do I prevent my BDSM skills from eroding?’ I have addressed those issues in previous articles; this week’s question is one I found rather unique in that it combined light play, switching, fantasies, age play, threesomes and a variant of the “Seven Year Itch.” You might call this the question of questions.. So here it is, in all its “kitchen sink” glory.

Reader: My partner and I are secure in our relationship, sexually and otherwise. We’re practicing BDSMers who rarely play in public. I’m usually Dom; she usually sub. We sometimes Switch. Lately, she’s become attracted to younger women, and wishes to explore play with them as a Domme. She insists that I be present and at least observe, if not participate as the head Dom. Though this is a common male fantasy, it’s not one of mine. Is this getting too complicated? Are we leading ourselves into a relationship trap? Help!

The key to your relationship lies in your statement, “My partner and I are secure in our relationship, sexually and otherwise.” And, by your question, it seems you wish to avoid situations that might jeopardize this foundation; obviously you have observed that threesomes – no matter what you call them – are really hard to maintain. And that is an understatement. It might be easier to juggle nitroglycerin that to have a solid, long term “extended family” let alone not ruin the original “smaller” family. That said, if you are going to attempt it – I have attempted it many times so I know whereof I speak – let’s see how you can expand your boundaries without putting your relationship at risk.

The “relationship trap” you refer to is, more than likely, that of a third person entering your relationship and ruining it. If I had a bitcoin for every D/s relationship that hit a snag because a third person upset the apple cart – either by opening up feelings of mistrust and jealousy, or by stealing the other person’s affections – I would be a very rich man. So, your apprehension – even in the context of a secure, trusting relationship — is not unfounded. So, how you do you protect yourself against such an outcome?

No matter what, you have to accept that inviting a third person into your relationship entails a certain amount of risk, no matter how small. Much like skydiving, some danger is clearly the price of admission for your thrills. That said, your aim should not be eliminating risk, but rather minimizing it. And, as the concerned one, it comes down to you to be the “gatekeeper” and not allow any person to jeopardize your relationship.

The first thing you must do is to carefully scrutinize any potential play partner. I always suggest an extensive vanilla meeting before you play; this will give you a sense of what the other person is all about – especially since that person appears significantly younger.. What are her aims? Is she looking for her own Domme or is she really just desirous of play? Using a vanilla term, is she a “home wrecker?” You can never absolutely know a person’s true desires (thus, there is always risk…the skydiving principle, ya know!), but you can get a good sense of her game plan with a probing interview. You must also make your rules (be the Dom!) crystal clear to any play partner you are interested in. Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that any emotional incursion into your relationship will end it right then and there. You should not forget to discuss your personal limits with your partner; the most important of these being that you can call the whole thing off any time you want.

Once play begins, you must always look for signs of any bonding that goes beyond simple play. Obviously, you can never control the human heart. But if you see any danger signs, it is better to be safe than sorry and get rid of that play partner. This might seem a bit harsh, but play partners can be replaced far more easily than life partners. And as the Mafia Don in Casino counseled, “Why take a chance?”

Finally, you state, “Though this (having a second woman) is a common male fantasy, it’s not one of mine.” I have always said that BDSM should be fun; it should not be like cleaning the Aegean stables. If you find this aspect of your relationship hard to take (although I cannot imagine why; but I am a male and I too love the two girl fantasy!), you should talk it over with your partner. Maybe, play only occasionally. Or, limit the actual play that takes place. And sex — which tends to bring out the most emotional of feelings — does not have to be included in your scenes.

No matter how you approach it, never lose sight of the fact that your relationship always comes first. Weighing the risks against the gain is always a consideration that should not be far from your mind when trying to keep your relationship moving forward – and moving forward safely!

Piercings

May 6, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

Before I get to the BDSM question, I would like to take a little time to answer the one question I have gotten ad infinitum: “How did you come up with that BaadMaster name you use?” Of times they insert a colorful descriptive into the question such as “lousy, awful, dumb, idiotic.” I have heard them all, so it is time to explain the unexplainable. Quickly stated, I moved to California at the beginning of the Internet-based BDSM world. As AOL chatrooms ruled the day (thus I still maintain, as an homage, my baadmaster@aol.com email addy), it seemed that every self described Dom’s handle was some variant of the following: GoodMaster, WiseMaster, GreatMaster, etc. I, being a lifetime member of the Contrarians (there is no such organization), I did just the opposite – I chose BaadMaster. (I should have chosen Sir Osis!) Over time the name became so integrated into the community, it was too late to change my baad name! And there you have it. Now on to the regular part of our program.

Reader: When a guy gets an Apadravya piercing, or any of the “extreme” piercings, how does it affect urination? Do these piercings have other effects to be concerned about? Are these concerns the same for female piercings?

For starters, let’s explain what an Apadravya is. It is the generic name for piercings that increase the size of penis during intercourse, primarily to satisfy the partner. This would also include the Prince Albert. Of course, when piercing the penis, there are more concerns than the run of the mill earlobe piercing.

So here is my advice: “Find a piercer whom you trust.” Although this is great advice, it is easier said than done. One of the things that concerns me about piercings is that the more popular they become, the harder it is to find a good piercer. This sounds like an oxymoron; so let me explain. A few brief years ago, before the current piercing rage, there was a network of people who could steer you to the best and — more often than not — the only good piercer in town. Now, with a piercing/tattoo parlor on just about every street corner, how can you choose? And with everybody pierced by a different piercer (the result of so many piercing venues), how can you choose a good one if you are new to this?

Unless you know of a piercer whose work you can verify by personal references, I recommend you select a member of the Association of Professional Piercers to do the piercing. They have an awesome website (http://www.safepiercing.org ) which provides information and a list of approved, member piercers. Piercing is not to be attempted by a beginner. This group not only has professional criteria for their members, but they also have set minimum jewelry standards, too. This is critical because piercings done with the wrong metals can contribute to infections or improper and/or unaesthetic healing. Keep in mind, urination will only be a problem if your piercing is done improperly.

APP Minimum Jewelry Standards
Jewelry placed in new piercings must be made of one of the following metals:

Surgical Implant Stainless Steel CrNMo 316L or 316LVM ASTM F-138
Surgical Implant Titanium Ti6A4V ELI ASTM F-136
Niobium (Nb)
14 karat or 18 karat solid white or yellow gold
Metal must be free of nicks, scratches, burrs, and polishing compounds
Must have internal tapping (no threads on posts) for 16 gauge and thicker.
Must have rounded ends on rings.
Threads 1.2 mm for 14 gauge and 12 gauge; .080 for 10 gauge.

When choosing a piercer, make sure he follows these standards with respect to the jewelry he uses for the piercings. And, at least here in California, they cannot pierce you with your own jewelry. They sterilize the jewelry they sell and shrink wrap it. After it heals, if you want, you can swap out their jewelry for yours.
Danger of infection, hepatitis, and general aesthetic screw-ups are present whenever an amateur does the piercing. I actually witnessed a nipple piercing at a garage at a play party. The garage was pretty filthy. Sure enough, the female submissive’s nipples got infected and she had to remove her piercings. In this case the she was lucky because her nipples healed up perfectly. But this is not always the case when infection occurs. Infected piercings can scar, so sterility – both at the piercer’s studio and in aftercare – is of primary importance. Insist on a general sense of professionalism and sterility in the piercer’s studio. And remember, in this covid world (I guess I had to mention it one more time!), sterility is next to Godliness. If the piercer’s shop looks like Borat and his animals slept there, leave and find another place.
One other common problem is a general sense of frustration with the time it takes for the more exotic piercings to heal. You cannot believe how many people get impatient with their piercings while they are healing. Nipples can sometimes take up to six months to heal; a Prince Albert can take even longer if you are a slow healer and play with yourself a lot!
As with so many BDSM activities, take your time and do it right.

How To Show Off Your Submissive

April 24, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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By now, most of us are tired of the covid world we are living in. And this is especially true in the BDSM world of closed dungeons, social distancing, mask wearing and “this will be over soon” media pronouncements. Well, I have good news for you. From now on, I will be “writing for the future” with little pandemic pandering. With this in mind, this week’s question is about exhibitionism – a BDSM activity that really took a huge hit in this frustrating world but will soon be making a “comeback”. And since these questions come from my “query vault,” I can pick those that address tomorrow’s issues, not today’s. Can I hear some applause?! So, here is the question:

Reader: I love to show-off my slave, and I really like being kinky in public. I’d like to explore new ways to enjoy D/s with an audience. Do you have any suggestions?

Exhibitionism can be divided into two categories. The first one is what I call “controlled” exhibitionism. Here you show off your slave to your own group of fellow BDSM pervs. Typically, this is done at play parties, usually in private homes or at members-only dungeons – such as the legendary Lair de Sade in Los Angeles. There are clubs of this type in many major U.S. cities. This is probably the easiest and safest way to explore your interest in exhibitionism in a controlled environment. For not only is there a built-in audience, but there is also no worry about “pain-in-the-ass innocent bystanders.” (A quote for the Godfather fans among you.) These clubs usually have many stations with BDSM equipment and even stages for you to show off your slave. You can get as kinky as the house rules – and local laws – allow. And your exhibitionism does not have to involve scening. Outrageous states of undress are embraced here. So if you want your slave half naked, three quarters naked or totally naked, by all mean go for it! As every good exhibitionist needs voyeurs to enjoy the show, where better to find a group of voyeurs than at a dungeon party? The beauty is that here you can start slowly and learn about your slave and what type of exhibitionism turns both of you on. Do you like your slave in fetish clothes, various states of undress, or led around by a collar and chain? Do you like to torture your slave in public? What does your slave enjoy or detest? The dungeon gives you a great environment to experiment, replete with an appreciative audience. You can also get great ideas from fellow showoffs here – which will improve your exhibitionist skills. All in a safe, user-friendly environment.

The second category of exhibitionism is what I call “public exhibitionism.” Here the audience is the public at large. I think that part of the appeal of this edgy practice comes from its danger. And dangerous it is. Some jurisdictions take “indecent exposure,” as they call it in the legal system, pretty seriously. Fines, jail time and community service can be a consequence of being caught. In this game there are many levels – from beginner to advanced! Quick flashing can be considered an entry-level type of exhibitionism. I would have your slave dress in such a way (if female, no panties under the skirt while kilts work for a male sub) so you conveniently “flash and dash.” (I like that term. It’s a keeper!) Advanced exhibitionism would probably encompass public sex. Here it gets a little risky. It takes planning and keen observational skills to get away with public sex if that is where you want to take this. I personally had public sex at a BDSM social at Sportsman’s Lodge – and it was awesome. Since you say you want an audience, this area of exhibitionism should be approached with utmost caution. If children and policemen just happen to be unwitting witnesses as you have sex in a glass-enclosed elevator, you might have big problems! People into this type of exhibitionism take precautions so as not to get caught. Be careful.

One important omission – your query does not mention your slave’s preferences. You should always take his/her preferences into account before you delve into exhibitionism – whether semi-private or totally public. This ensures a great performance.

Exhibitionism has the widest range of just about any fetish out there. With this in mind, the only boundaries are your imagination and what type of exhibitionism you are into. And, most importantly, let’s not forget to discuss limits here. Your question asks, “I love to show-off my slave, and I really like being kinky in public,” with little mention of your slave’s hard limits. You should be aware of these limits beforehand. If you are combining BDSM play with exhibitionism, safe words and safe signals must be integral to the scene. I’ll be watching!

Emotional Endurance and BDSM

April 10, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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What would life be like without the bi-monthly covid-19 intros in my Ask BaadMaster series here on kink weekly. (Did someone say, “A lot more fun!”) Well, it is looking more and more like these corona virus based intros will go the way of Sears fairly soon. With this in mind, I would like to start to make these articles more play based; after all, most of us have not been playing in public for the better part of a year. And though your flogger might not rust, your play techniques will. With this in mind, here is a question I picked up which went to the heart of a play-based dilemma.

Reader: I’ve practiced rope bondage for over two years (one pre-covid) on my female sub. Luckily, we live together and have been able to get in some play this last year. But even before the pandemic, she was begging for a long-term bondage scene, which is new for us. I’ve read about the physical logistics, but I’m more concerned about how it’ll affect her emotionally. She’s enthusiastic… but what if she’s not realistic about her limits?

Ordinarily, I would suggest you join a local dungeon and observe the play there and also talk about your desire to become a more skilled rope practitioner. The best way to learn anything is to listen to people who are skilled in that discipline. So that leaves playing in your home. But if you are into impact play or your sub is loud, you might have trouble with neighbors. Besides, it is unlikely you have a fully stocked home dungeon. (Exception if you are the Fifty Shades guy.) So until the dungeons reopen – and DomCon LA is now re-scheduled for mid August – a different strategy is called for.

I would look at your current situation as though you are a beginner – even if you are familiar with these protocols. First, I would re-establish the importance of a safe word and a safe signal. Since you are concerned about emotional aspects of this scene, explain to her that she should err on the side of safety with respect to using her safe word or safe signal. Make it clear that should she use it, you will not be disappointed in her. Many subs try to avoid “safe-ing” as a matter of pride. But, this is usually in the physical context of pain thresholds. Here the Dom can always use his eyes and ears to see if he has been going too far; he does not have to rely solely on a safe word or signal. As there are no physical signs to see when you are concerned about psychological damage, you must explain to her that she will be your “eyes and ears” with respect to going over the line. And read some of the articles here to increase your general knowledge about BDSM. Use the remainder of this “time in exile” to raise your BDSM IQ!

Now onto play. Since you have expressed doubts in her ability to be realistic about her limits, and you cannot use your own eyes and ears to assess when you have gone too far, then you must use what I call the “thousand mile principle” with her. (“What is the “Thousand Mile Principle,” you ask?) There is a Chinese saying that says, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Keeping this in mind, you can say that a long-term bondage scene is really just a series of short-term bondage scenes. Thus, you must approach this like a journey of a thousand miles.

Your first step is to establish a temporal benchmark – a time frame that you know your sub has no problems with. Let’s say this benchmark is a half-hour. (It could be anything; since you have been practicing short-term rope bondage with your sub, you already know the length of time that has been safe to use with her.) Then add, incrementally, more and more time to your bondage scenes. You might start with half-hour increments. Thus, your next scene would be keeping her in rope bondage for an hour. Of course, all safe words and signals apply. After the scene, discuss it. See if the hour had any ill psychological effects. If she liked it and wants to go further into the world of long-term bondage, then add another half-hour to your next scene. Now, you are up to an hour and a half! You can keep adding half-hours to your scene. Eventually, you will get to some serious long-term bondage! Remember to discuss the scene with her immediately post-aftercare and again the next day, so you get some perspective from her. Ultimately, you will reach her true limit.

When you get to her time limit, you might wish to throttle back on any time you plan on adding to the scene. In the example I have given you, you might wish to only add ten more minutes at a time. And, once you reach her hard limit, respect it.

Here is one additional piece of advice I offer. Use the stop-watch on your cellphone to time your scenes. Since you might lose track of time during the excitement (or demands) of your bondage sessions, set it to vibrate (which you should have in the dungeon anyway). Thus, you can time your scene which also will give you a kinda-sorta diary to keep track of your progress.

I am under no illusion that I am as good in play as I was before this pandemic started. I am not being overly humble; but “Pride cometh before a fall.” And since I do not plan on falling, I will not be filled with foolish pride. One step back, two steps forward!

Coming Out As Kinky

March 21, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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With this corona virus attack lasting over a year so far, it has had wide ranging effects on our society. Not the least of which is, as I mentioned before, the temporary closing of many dungeons – and the “kinda-sorta house arrest” that has stunted our BDSM play options.

But life – and relationships go on. And this week’s query comes from a person who wants to know how to announce his collaring – but from a different perspective. I am sure he is not alone in this concern. So I kept that in mind when I chose the following question.

Reader: I’m gay male sub with a corporate job. I came out about being gay a long time ago, and nobody made a big deal about it. I’m now collared to my Dom and thinking about coming out about this too. What do you think about the pros and cons? I’m proud of my Master and want to tell everyone! I do not want to live in secret. Any advice?

Although one can find parallels between coming out of our BDSM closet and coming out of the gay one, they are really not the same. For one thing, we don’t have TV shows like “Queer Eye” promoting a user-friendly image for lifestylers. We don’t have an army of pro-gay celebrities talking it up for us. Other than an occasional “CSI” episode, we are generally portrayed as being one step up from cannibals, (Especially with Armie Hammer being accused of harboring cannibalistic tendencies.) Even with the “Fifty Shades” series putting a user friendly face on our lifestyle and the incorporation of BDSM elements in even the most tame porn, there are few outlets extolling the virtues of BDSM.

Discrimination against homosexuals is illegal; last time I looked, there was no such equivalent protection for us. And the gay community can look with pride to Pete Buttigieg as a U.S. Cabinet member; a “Sadistic Senator” is likely quite a way off, Our legal rights are still very much in the gray area; so when you come out of the BDSM closet, you come out on your own. Furthermore, I don’t believe there is an imperative for anyone in our lifestyle to out themselves.

Even with the rapid change in American morals, I still marvel at the apparent ease with which you were able to come out as a gay person “a long time ago” as you state. Although your experience might not be unusual in the bigger cities, don’t assume that it will be easy anywhere once you add BDSM into the mix. Mention that you are into bondage to the average vanilla American, chances are you will hear something like, “You mean you beat your spouse?” Thus, if you come out the closet, you will, in the words of Desi Arnaz, “have a lot of ‘splainin’ to do!”

‘Splainin’ or not, I would carefully weigh the effects of coming out in three major areas. First and foremost is your corporate job. Since you mention this consideration first, it is certainly a serious concern of yours. I do not know your situation, but corporate America is typically conservative. Not only should you never risk your job (unless you hate it and/or have another source of income or want to get unemployment), but you should also assume that once you out yourself, “what could go wrong, will go wrong.” (Murphy’s BDSM Law!) Use a worst-case analysis regarding your occupation. Only if there is no possibility of job-related repercussions should you proceed. Although laws vary from state to state, don’t expect the same type of government protection that our gay brothers and sisters get. Often times Find out what the consequences might be before you make a move. Often local laws require an arrest if an officer sees a black and blue on the female – which can happen after a noise complaint. This is quite the opposite of a gay noise complaint situation.

The second area of concern is kids. If you have children, there could be some legal ramifications. BDSM could be a negative factor in custody battles. When kids are involved, especially young ones, you should never take any chances when the BDSM lifestyle is involved. Rumor mongering and gossip can come back to bite you in the rear end. So, unless you are very secure in your parental situation, “don’t tell and you won’t be asked” is the best policy!

The final consideration I will discuss is your vanilla friends. Obviously, your lifestyle associates know what you are about; in this regard, coming out of the closet is a moot point. And, your very close vanilla friends will stick by you no matter what – or they are not close friends. (My vanilla friends know almost everything about my lifestyle.) Predicting the effect your disclosure will have on the rest – or “non-close” – of your vanilla acquaintances is not easy. Some will be cool with it, others will be shocked, still others might post this info on Facebook. Personally, I would scope them out before I told them anything. Bringing up anything BDSM could entail risks. See if they are open to it. If they aren’t, you risk censure. If you can deal with that, fine. But, you should have a good idea what to expect before you commit to outing yourself. After all, it is always best to look before you leap. In your case, look twice!

The Inside Scoop On Tickling

March 7, 2021 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

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Although it appears the COVID-19 pandemic is winding down, we are still likely to be wearing non-BDSM masks for the foreseeable future. Thus, lacking my two favorite dungeons (Lair de Sade and Sanctuary), I am still wandering around in the ”auxiliary” questions file. Luckily, I found this gem of a question that needed scant revision. And here it is:

Reader: My subbie-girl is the most ticklish person I know… and though it’s something I never considered a fetish before, I’m finding that I really get off when I tickle her. Is this weird? Why do I like it so much? Is it a BDSM activity?

We are KINK weekly, so nothing is weird around here. So, that answers the “is this weird” part of your question. In the vanilla world, “erotic tickling” is quite popular; I have already written a kink weekly article on this subject. With its vanilla roots, is it a fetish? I guess that depends on what the meaning of “is” is. Fetish or not fetish, weird or not weird – tickling works great in our lifestyle – especially in your case.

As I have stated many times, one should always try to match protocols in D/s relationships. A high-protocol Master should look for a high-protocol slave. Similarly, a Dom/me who enjoys tickling should look for a submissive who is ticklish. You might not have searched for such a match, it might be luck that brought her to you, but you found it. Consider yourself very fortunate. After all, what is a tickler without a ticklee?

As to the question of why you like it so much, the “Cracker Jack Principle” applies. If you look on a Cracker Jack box (if there are still any boxes of the stuff available; they are now mostly in bags), its slogan reads, “You like it, it likes you!” Similarly, having, the “most ticklish person you know” as your sub is a “you like it, it likes you” type of situation. It is one thing to perform a scene and have the submissive go through the motions in order to please the Dominant. It is quite another thing when the submissive truly enjoys what the Dominant is doing – which is most common in D/s unions where one is clearly the Dom, the other the submissive. This creates a loop that channels positive energy back to both participants. In your case, tickling fits into this synergistic model.

Erotic tickling is an extension of vanilla play, whereas BDSM tickling (to coin a category) can be integrated into just about any scene. Tickling a submissive can be every bit as effective as flogging or caning her. Or, instead of a straight flogging scene, alternate between flogging and tickling; this will add a new dimension to your play. If you are using hot wax, tickle the submissive in between drippings and you will raise the sensation bar considerably. If you are into role-play, tickling is yet another technique to add to your arsenal. In an interrogation scenario, for example, tickle the submissive instead of beating her. You might get your submissive to give up the information rather quickly!

A “tickle-torture” scene can be as edgy as any. A feather duster can be just as wicked as a crop; a makeup brush can be just as painful as a paddle; a silk cloth can be every bit as sadistic as a cane. One word of caution. Just because tickling doesn’t leave marks or entails great physical risk, one should not forget to take standard precautions. Make sure you have a safe word; be aware of the mental state of the submissive during play. (If your extremely ticklish subbie is in the throws of a serious tickling session, he/she might not be able to utter the safe word – or even give a safe signal. Always keep an eye on her – or have a hard time limit).

Finally, you can always invent new ways to use tickling in your BDSM play. Tickling a blindfolded sub is always fun. Combining tickling and TENS unit play is a great concept I have heard about. Alternating tickling and sensory deprivation is another unique game plan. Tickling goes with just about anything. The only limit, besides the hard ones, is your imagination. Additionally, in this crazy era where down is up and up is down, it is very easy and inexpensive to do a tickle scene. For example – a “tickle interrogation” scene.

Since you have the ideal “tickle-sub,” all you have to do, in the words of the Nike commercials, is “Just do it!”

Orgasm Control

February 20, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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This is a question that is self-explanatory. So here it is:

Reader: Orgasm control and denial are topics of interest for me. I’ve heard lots of good things, but also that it can cause negative side effects. What do you think? Any tips?

First things first. Can denial produce negative effects? Many old wives’ tales suggest this to be true. Some claimed that too much sex is bad; others said that denial is the road to ruination. In the Reefer Madness era, believe it or not, there were even ones that said you would go blind if you masturbated excessively. Yet the worst that happened to me is that I wear contact lenses. Negative effects from orgasm control are a similar urban sex legend. Sexual denial usually produces no negative effects — other than causing fewer orgasms in your life. Albeit bigger ones!

The purpose of orgasm manipulation is basically to make for better, bigger more intense orgasms. (Sounds like a late night TV advertisement for the Orgasmotron – but wait, there’s more!) Most of us practice a form of orgasm control even in the vanilla sex world. — most men delay orgasm for as long as possible to increase mutual pleasure. But in BDSM, we have raised this to an art form. Let’s look at the two major classes of devices used in orgasm control – the “chastity belt” and the “cock cage”.

Since many things old become new, the chastity belt for females is making a comeback. As we become a more egalitarian society, it was only natural to expect chastity devices to be equally available to all sexes. Or to put it into Mad Men advertising language, “Chastity devices ain’t just for men anymore.” The effect of a chastity belt worn by a submissive – both from a role play point of view and a control perspective – can be awesome. Recently, lightweight plastic/composite belts have replaced the old bulky leather/metal ones; these high-tech belts are not the heavy locked affairs of Elizabethan times. These modern versions are a unique (although expensive) way for a Dominant to establish the ultimate in orgasmic and sexual control.

The cock cage too has felt the advancement of technology in its development. From the early plastic versions (the CB 2000) to the modern stainless alloy types, just like face-masks, they are available in a myriad of designs. (Once this pandemic is over, you can use your spare face-masks for BDSM play!) But whether used for pleasure or punishment – or anything in between – ultimately the aim of such devices is to make your play more exciting.

There is no doubt that sexual denial can increase horniness. (Just go to a singles bar on a Friday right after work.) But if you practice sexual denial on purpose, you can increase the anticipation and raise the sexual excitement to a fevered pitch. “Don’t masturbate (or have sex) until I see you next week” is a popular Dominant’s technique that can turn the submissive into a horny, sex-crazed obsessive by the time they see each other.

Another technique of orgasm control is that of bringing a submissive to the brink of climax over and over again. Whether ending in a “ruined orgasm” or a “super orgasm,” this “tease and denial” technique can be done over a period of hours (or days…WOW!) and can be excruciatingly exciting. Coupling BDSM play with “tease and denial” in a s scene a great way to produce explosive orgasms.

There is one area I have left to last – the legendary training of a submissive to “cum on command.” This has an almost mythic quality to it; it appears to be the ultimate Dominant achievement. I have heard tales of a Master being able to order his slave to cum via telephone and the slave doing so without even touching herself. I personally have never witnessed this; nor have I ever achieved this feat.

What I have done is to train a submissive to become extremely sexually excited via a voice command. The training technique I use is to deny orgasm over a period of time, thus building a heightened state of arousal. Then you link your voice command to this excited state – by stating your command at the time of highest sexual arousal. This conditioned response training is one way to get closest to making the submissive “cum on command.” And maybe, using this technique over a period of time, it can actually be accomplished.

As with all my suggestions, they are just that – suggestions. So let me know your experiences. Good luck!

Topping From The Bottom

February 7, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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If you were wondering about the #9357, it refers to the fact that there are likely 9357 lifestylers debating “Where does topping from the bottom start and where does it end?’ This is the bondage equivalent of debating, “Who is better Tom Brady or Drew Brees?” Or, “Who is the better singer, Adele or the late Whitney Houston?” (Brady, Houston!) These are unanswerable, subjective opinion questions that can entertain you for hours, but there really is no definitive answer, Similarly, this week’s “Ask BaadMaster” question lacks a definitive answer – it does have within it many opinions as answers that will give your BDSM journey some great signposts. So, here it is:

Reader: I am a collared female submissive. Every time I ask my Dom for something, like a McDonald’s hamburger, or make any of my “wants” known, he tells me I am “topping from the bottom,” and punishes me. Is he right?

Before I can hazard a guess, I would have to know certain details of your relationship. At the very least, is this is a negotiated relationship or a less formal D/s union. (There are many articles on “Negotiation” here on kinkweekly.com . Just search “Negotiation” and many great articles come up. And not are all mine!) The beauty of D/s is that you can negotiate in advance the structure of the relationship. For example, if a “slave contract” were signed in a high protocol union, (again, see the “Slave Contract” piece), most times the contract begins with something like, “The slave agrees to obey her Master in all respects. Her mind, body, heart and time belong to Him.” If this is the case, the way the slave asked for her hamburger is the determinant whether the Dom is right or wrong. If she said, “There’s a MickeyD’s, pull in, I’m hungry” she might have been “topping from the bottom” depending on the terms in the contract. On the other hand, it is the Master’s obligation (also in many contracts) “to feed her if she is hungry.” So, if he was not feeding her and, out of hunger and frustration, she said “get me a burger,” the Master is not only at fault, he is also an idiot. “Feed your slave” is commandment number one!

Most Doms can not read minds (although many act as though they can), so there must always be a way for a slave to express her needs. This is called protocol, as in “Master, or Sir, may I…?” Now if the slave says “Master, may slave have a cheeseburger?” and he calls this topping from the bottom, he is dead wrong.

Most times, these kinds of problems arise when people jump into a D/s relationship without the proper understanding or expectations. For example, a relatively new “slave” signs her first contract and after a while, she gets sick of asking, “Master, may I…?” and longs for her vanilla ways. “Gimme a Big Mac” seems a much easier way to get what she wants. It is up to the Master to correct these habits – or give the slave off time where she can talk in a less formal way. But even with a lot of free time she finds all this structure a drag, it is time for her to give up the slave routine.

In a Master/slave or Dom/sub relationship, protocol and communication are paramount. Wants must be made known, using the proper protocol of a negotiated D/s relationship. The Dom should not have to read his sub’s mind. The sub cannot be expected to be a silent statue waiting for her Dom to figure out what she needs. If she is hungry, she must be able to let him know other than by looking malnourished.

On the other hand, many new Doms think they are Lord and Master and any request made by their sub is “topping from the bottom.” Wrong – on two counts. One, it is wrong, duh! Two, keep this up long enough and slave will become ex-slave.

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