Article - Dexx

Kinky dating vanilla? Don’t waste your time.

August 3, 2020 By Desdemona 121 Comments

submissive poly woman is looks sad while experiencing some feelings — via stock.adobe.com

Are you a kinky, and dating a vanilla girlfriend / boyfriend, or even got to the point that they are now your husband or wife? Take my advice – don’t waste any more of your precious time…

If you are regular reader of this web site, then it’s highly likely you are kinky. And by kinky, I don’t mean that you like to spice things up with your partner once and a while with some silk scarves. I mean that BDSM is in your blood… your DNA even. And you likely spend a good amount of time playing with it, fantasizing about it, or living it.

You may have always known you were kinky – since before you even knew what sex was, you were drawn to situations and depictions involving power exchange and bondage. Or you may have had a particular moment when your kink was awakened – perhaps with a partner introducing you to BDSM – which was akin to letting the genie out of the bottle (there’s no getting it back in there).

My point is – people are either kinky or they are not. Vanilla people cannot be made kinky, just as kinky cannot be made vanilla.

And so when a kinky person and a vanilla person date (and maybe even fall in love), it can never end well. And yet this is this is a problem that comes up time and time again, played out by almost every kinky person I have met (and I know a lot of kinky people), sometimes over and over again.

Take me. I have had several long terms relationships (each more than 2 years) since my late teens. In each case, we met and felt a strong chemistry and a deep attraction. Each of my exes was beautiful in her own distinct way – and engaging, funny, likeable. Of course, we had ups and downs in the course of our relationships, as all couples do. But they were good women, and each time we laughed together, grew and experienced new things, and traveled to exotic and wonderful places.

And yet in each case, kink was a divide between us. And ultimately, the reason that the relationships could not last.

Don’t get me wrong – none of these women I dated were prudes. In fact, they were quite sexual and adventurous in their own way. They were up for trying new things, playing with some toys and trying out experiences. But with respect to BDSM, there was always a point after which the novelty wore off and they conceded that they just weren’t really that into it.

I, like you, am kinky. When it comes to BDSM, I love every letter of the acronym. And since joining the kinky community, I have met hundreds of kinky people in LA and all over the world. And each time I do, I feel that connection of speaking with someone who is like me, who gets me.

And from my conversations with all of these kinky people I have met, I have heard so many stories just like mine. Of years or even decades from teenage years through adulthood, when these kinksters were figuring out their own identity and sexuality. Trying to understand why they liked these things that were strange and deviant to regular folks, realizing they needed to keep certain desires to themselves. And then reigniting and fully realizing those desires upon the thrilling discovery of the kink community.

All of these people had similar stories of ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, ex-husbands, ex-wives, who they had tried to introduce to kink. Trying to get their man to dominate them, or get their girlfriend to tie them up. So many relationships where ultimately they failed because the kinky person could not get their needs met. Because vanilla people cannot be made kinky.

And it is terrible. When you love someone and love being with them, but know deep down that there is an important part of yourself that your partner just doesn’t understand, and never will.

It had made me question my kinkiness at times. Made me wonder if I can push it aside, forget about it, grow out of it, bury it. Somehow “cure” myself of kink. And now of course I know that is ludicrous – in the same category as trying to “pray away the gay” – it’s just not possible. And of course the other thing I know now is that I wouldn’t want to de-kink myself, even if I could. Because without kink, I would not have met all of the amazing people I now know in the community, or felt the joy and the high of a scene with play partner, or the deep connection of D/s.

So I would say this: if you know you are kinky, don’t waste your time getting into a relationship with a vanilla person. The further into it you get, the more difficult and heart-wrenching it will become for both of you to leave later.

Now, that isn’t to say you can’t go on some dates with people who aren’t overtly kinky. After all, sometimes it takes a little while before someone opens up about things like this. It’s worth getting to know someone well enough to know for sure. But don’t beat around the bush, and don’t hide that it’s an important factor for you in dating.

One caveat is that it is possible that you might meet someone who is kinky but hasn’t discovered that side of themselves yet. They might need some encouragement to “awaken” their kink. I do think that is pretty rare in western culture now though – given the massive publicity and exposure that BDSM has received in recent times.

What to do if you are in a long term relationship already with a vanilla, and either have finally accepted the importance of kink to yourself, or realized that your partner just isn’t kinky? My advice is to end it. Be gentle about it, be compassionate about it, communicate with them, support them. But do it.

No doubt there are all kinds of “what if’s” that might be thrown at me in response to this. And there may be some pretty gnarly ones… not the least of which is marriage and children. And ultimately, no one but you knows the ins and outs of your situation and so I can’t tell you definitively what is right for you.
But what I can tell you is about all the people I have met in the community who finally did realize they needed to embrace their kinky selves. Some of whom waited until they were in their 30s, or 40s, or 50s, or 60s, or 70s, before biting the bullet and doing it and that once they did, they realized that they had finally found themselves, their community, their people. And almost all wished that they had the courage to do it much, much sooner.

There is one exception that I would add to all of this. Occasionally, a kinky person may be in a relationship with someone vanilla where the relationship is so open, trusting, positive and strong, that the kinky person can go out and explore the community and play with others, without it damaging or impacting on the bond of that relationship. I have seen this work long-term in a couple of cases. So if you are in this situation then you are very fortunate and you should make the most of your freedom to explore. But if you aren’t, and you try forcing your relationship into this mold, you may find it very difficult and ultimately unsuccessful.

Have you found yourself in a relationship with a vanilla person that you wished was kinky? I would love to hear about it in the comments section below.

Writer, photographer, hedonist, Dom. After years of at-home BDSM, Dexx finally embraced the kink community and met many fantastic fellow kinksters in the scene. Along the way, it occurred to him that it would be just super if there was a magazine-style web site which catered to people interested in BDSM, and he recruited some of his friends to help create it.

Scene ideas: First BDSM session with a new play partner

July 19, 2020 By Desdemona 3 Comments

dominant man puts handcuffs on woman in sexy red dress.jpeg — via stock.adobe.com

This article is applicable when you and your new play partner are both knowledgeable and enthusiastic about BDSM, and have decided to arrange BDSM play together for the first time. If either of you is brand new to BDSM, or you are hoping to introduce BDSM to an existing but as-yet vanilla romantic relationship, then this article is likely not appropriate to your situation. It is written from the perspective of a male Dom and female sub, but can of course be applied to any variation of gender dynamic.

The first time playing with a new play partner is special. There is a magical electricity in the newness and uncertainty as you begin to connect with each other through dominance & submission. As you experience each other’s energy, there is a delicious joy in seeing how your new partner responds to your unique style of dominance.

When I’m preparing for a first play session like this, I normally have a few things I’d like to have as an outcome from the scene:

For my play partner to feel confident that she is in safe hands – through me demonstrating calmness, competence in the BDSM skills that I use, and proactive interest in consent and safety.
To get to know each other’s play style, and how she responds to some of the main types of activities within the BDSM umbrella.
For both of us to have a positive, fun, sexy experience that leaves us both excited to play with each other again

Here’s a simple outline for where to take your scene, which accomplishes all three of these goals and sets you on a good foundation for more fun play in the future.

Pre-play

Get the scene negotiation done before you meet to play. This leaves more time for play, and less room for someone to feel pressured / excited into agreeing to something that they didn’t really want to. Ideally earlier than the day you are playing. I recommend completing a written checklist rather than just a verbal discussion (although you can certainly go over it together on a phone call as well) – this helps ensure that you don’t leave anything out, or forget what was discussed. You can make your own checklist, or use mine. Everything that follows below assumes that it was ok’d in negotiation. Adjust your scene based on your play partners preferences and agreed boundaries. As a general rule, never do anything in play that wasn’t negotiated prior, or try to renegotiate during play.
Establish how much time you have for your play. The last thing you want is for you to be planning a multi-hour masterpiece, but she needs to leave after an hour to meet friends.

Set the scene

Set up your play space before your play partner arrives. This includes working out which equipment and toys you’ll want to use and having them handy to the place that you want to use them. You can always ad lib a bit of course, but if you have to hunt around for everything during the scene, it will kill the energy.
Consider any music, lighting, scents or other sensory elements you want the experience to include. These elements are overlooked by many dungeons and Doms who think play is only about physical stimulation. A small amount of effort can greatly enhance the mood and enjoyment of the scene for both participants.

Greetings & pleasantries

When your play partner arrives, don’t go straight into strict-Dom mode right from the get go. No matter how kinky she is, she is a person first. Consider what might be going through her mind in playing with you for the first time – especially if it’s at your home. Help make her feel more comfortable by greeting her with a smile, welcoming her inside, and offering her a drink (alcohol and play is a topic for another day – but you can’t go wrong with good cup of tea)
If she shows up a little late, avoid the cliche of the angry dom & punishing her for it – there will be plenty of time for that in future.
Hang out and chat for a few minutes, ask her about her day, etc. Make her feel comfortable. Don’t chat too long though – she is here to play after all.
At an appropriate interval in conversation, transition to play with a simple “Still down for some play?” or similar. Assuming she answers in the affirmative, then proceed to the next step.

Start with a little bondage

Politely ask her to go and stand in a particular spot, facing a particular direction. E.g. “Can you please go and stand on the hearth, facing the fireplace, with your hands behind your back”. Still not in Dom-mode yet. This is an important transition step – it is an opportunity to demonstrate that she is ready to accept a simple instruction from you. If she hesitates / refuses / gets weirded out by you asking her to do this, then this is a red flag that she may not be ready for BDSM play, and you should not proceed with “doing anything” to her.
Slowly & calmly walk over to her (she’s facing away so will hear your footsteps but not see you), and put your hands on her shoulders. Feel her energy, and let her feel your calmness and confidence.
Bind her hands behind her back. Leather wrist cuffs are the simplest at this point, but if you are a rope addict then you can of course do rope cuffs instead (just don’t take forever). The idea is to add a simple, symbolic element of restraint to help her transition into a submissive headspace.

D/s – Get physical, and lay out the rules

Now that her hands are tied, make your physical presence felt. Perhaps a hug from behind, pulling her close into you. Explore her body with your hands over the top of her clothes. Build the anticipation – don’t just go straight to the naughty bits. Hips, arms, neck, back, hair, butt, face, tits, thighs, caress teasingly just above her pubic area (Again, and for the last time this article – keeping within boundaries negotiated prior).
You are simultaneously doing several things here. You are exerting some initial dominance and control over her. Her hands are tied and she will feel the rush of having no control over your touch. And of course, there is the physical sensation of the caressing which starts to bring blood to the skin and warm her body.
In my experience, if she is kinky and into you, then at this point she will be melting under your touch, pushing her body into you, possibly closing her eyes and breathing heavily. All good signs that you should continue.
If she is already in the zone, then don’t be afraid to make some of your touching a little more rough and forceful (being mindful of sensitive areas and organs). Maybe use your arms to pull her elbows toward each other a little, thrusting her chest out.
Now you can start with some Dom-talk. Everyone’s Dom-talk style is a little different. For me, that means being clear and authoritative – but also calm and not any louder than needed for her to hear me. Which at this point might be barely more than a whisper near her ear. “This is what you came here for huh?”…”Are you excited?”…”Are you nervous?”…”Are you going to be a good girl for me?” etc. Based on how she responds, you can move onto any rules that you want to establish.
Keep any rules simple for first-time play – and not too many of them. For example, “Any time you answer a question, I want you to add Sir at the end”, is a simple and standard one. This is really just about testing the water and seeing how she responds to dominance / submission in play – for some it will be just ok, and others it will be heaven.
Now is a good time to re-establish safe words and that there is no harm or shame in using them. “What’s your safe word?”…(she says it)…”And when are you going to say it?”…(if I’m not comfortable and want to stop)…”Very good”. You can also cover “yellow” type safewords and how to safeword with a gag in, if you’re planning to include a gag in your scene.

A dash of sensation & a sprinkling of pain, to taste

At this point, both of you are probably feeling pretty amazing, sexy and alive. A great place from which to step things up a notch.
She still has her clothes on at this point. That was part of helping her be comfortable with getting to this point. Now is a great time to start exploring under then / removing some of them. If she responded well to the D/s earlier, instruct her to take off her panties (assuming she is wearing a dress). This will be a challenge with her hands tied behind her back, but she should be able to do it and it will be very enjoyable to watch.
Add a little pain to the mix – some nipple pinching, hair pulling, spanking. See how she responds to it.
Add a little sensation play to the mix – caressing, scratching. Maybe some cold metal or an ice cube. See how she responds to it.

Article continues below

blonde submissive kneels on bed in underwear with hands tied — via stock.adobe.com

The main course

You’ve now tried a few different types of play, and should be getting a sense for what she likes most. Now you can move on to the main event.
This can be whatever you like. For me, I prefer some kind of helpless bondage situation, sitting or lying down (tied to chair, bed, bench, wall, whatever). Fully or mostly naked, and then using some toys. Did she respond best to sensations? Then bring out the wartenberg wheel and claws. Did she like impact pain the most? Then grab the flogger and cane.
Whatever you decide to go with, mix in a little pleasure. If you’re not sure what to use for that, then it’s hard to go wrong with a Hitachi Magic Wand.
If it’s part of your scene, then this is a good time to add sexual elements – have her suck you, etc. Just try to hold off on cumming for now.

Release

As you add pleasuring devices to the mix, your play partner may orgasm. But, she also might not. Some women don’t feel comfortable enough to get there when playing with someone for the first time. Don’t take it personally, and don’t keep trying for hours. If after a reasonable amount of time it doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen, just move on to the next thing – no need to make a big deal about it.
If you’re going to have sex (i.e. penis in vagina type sex, that is), then now is a good time for that. Both of you should be massively turned on by now, and it will be pretty awesome sex! Some people like to keep the restraints on for this part, other prefer to ditch the bondage before fucking – its just whatever you’re feeling.

Chill time / aftercare

Once you’ve caught your breath, now is a good time to let her out of whatever bondage she might still be in.
Invite her to join you on a nearby couch for a snuggle. Offer her some water. Revel in the amazing chemical high that your brains will be producing. You may want to talk about what you each liked / didn’t like, or you might prefer to just sit in silence and cuddle for a bit.
If your partner sub-spaces, then she might be quite spacey for a while. Chill out with her for a while as needed. She will be feeling nice and floaty, and you don’t want her to drive anywhere while she’s in this state – it can be as dangerous as drinking and driving.
Sometime the next morning, text her and ask her how she’s feeling. After an amazing play scene, and the possible drop in endorphins the next day, hearing from you and her knowing that you care might just make her day.

Now that you’ve had a great first play experience, you can start to plan some more advanced and intense experiences for future scenes together, built on the foundation of trust created from an amazing first session.

Like my first BDSM scene ideas? Have some tips of your own? Let me know in the comments below.

Netflix Original Gerald’s Game – BDSM to Save a Marriage?

October 9, 2017 By Desdemona 4 Comments

I watched the new Netflix thriller “Gerald’s Game” over the weekend. It’s the one with the poster showing the lead character (played by Carla Gugino) chained the a bed with handcuffs wearing a sexy slip. Yeah, now you know the one I mean.

So the movie is actually very good, and I recommend watching it. But I want to address the kink-related aspect of it – don’t worry this doesn’t really contain any spoilers, this only relates to the first 10 minutes of the movie.

The Scene

We have this scene where the husband (Gerald) and the wife (Jessie) start to play with some bondage. But everything about it is the antithesis of what BDSM should be about – let me count the ways.

He surprises her with the handcuffs that he brought along on their romantic getaway to a remote lakehouse. Based on their conversation, they had experimented with bondage previously and he realized that she wasn’t into it, but went along with it to please him. Gerald persuades Jessie to let him handcuff her and at first she is ok with it. And then he starts doing a series of things which they had not discussed or negotiated previously: biting, intruder roleplay, covering her mouth, daddy dom roleplay (which is evidently a trigger for her). Before too long Jessie tells him she doesn’t like it, and tells him several times to stop. He stops once only after she kicks him, then tries again and only stops when she bites his lip.

Sadly, it seems a pretty realistic portrayal of a kinky partner doing all the wrong things to try and get a vanilla partner to try BDSM. I suspect arguments like these have unfolded in bedrooms all across the country.

If you want to introduce kink to your vanilla relationship, then open communication should be the starting point. Talk about what you want, establish some parameters, and agree a safe word. Once in-scene, don’t coerce your partner into doing things they don’t want to do, and for fuck’s sake don’t shame them if they want to stop or use their safeword. If it turns out that you and your partner just aren’t compatible in terms of kink needs, I recommend this article about kinky people dating vanilla.

Final thought – if you are going to put someone into inescapable bondage in an isolated place, even if it is otherwise safe & consensual, consider worst case scenarios and make sure that someone knows where you are how to check in with you.

BDSM Scene Ideas: The Interrogation

August 14, 2017 By Desdemona 6 Comments

electro interrogation 01 submissive girl is strapped to chair and blindfolded — bella gets interrogated – will she reveal all of her secrets?

I’m a big fan of getting creative with BDSM play. Rope is great, and impact is fine, but what I love most is power exchange, and putting some thought and preparation into creating a great scene can go a long way towards heightening that dynamic.

In this article I’m going to describe one of my favorite scenarios – The Interrogation. It borrows from the genre of captured spy, or dirty cop, and it’s great not only to reinforce the dominance and submission of the participants, but also actually helps in revealing a lot about each other (well, about the sub anyway). Because of that, I generally incorporate this into a relatively early play session with a new play partner. Probably not the very first time, because it helps if a level of trust has already been established, but perhaps the second or third time. Having said that, it’s a classic that can still be fun even if you’ve been playing with them for years.

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Important – this scene is for people who already have an established BDSM relationship with their partner, and have already negotiated limits and safewords between them. The scene as described includes several different BDSM aspects, which should each have been discussed and agreed upon between the Dom and sub prior to playing. If any aspect is a problem for either person, you can of course modify and use alternative techniques instead.

What you’ll need:

Sturdy chair – I prefer one without arms so that the sub’s legs are not prevented from opening. I like simple wooden ones rather than comfortable modern ones, for added effect.
Wrist restraints – you could use rope if you want, but for this scene I prefer the convenience of leather cuffs. Ideally lockable like these ones.
Ankle restraints.
Connectors – something to attach the wrist cuffs together, and a lead or strap to connect the ankle cuffs to the back of the chair
Long leather strap – highly recommended, to secure the torso to the back of the chair. Prevents wriggling around.
Spotlights x 2
Nice torture toy – something painful but not too horrible. E.g. a Neon Wand, or TENS unit on a low setting
Mean torture toy – something a bit more serious. E.g. a Ta-zapper, or TENS on a higher setting
Pleasure toy (optional) – e.g. Hitachi or Fleshlight

I put a lot of stock in the ambience of a scene. So you don’t want to just casually invite your submissive to sit in the chair for a spot of interrogation. Instead, build up to it. Perhaps have them waiting in bondage for a little while beforehand, in the dark or with a blindfold on. Then (borrowing some dramatic effect from a spy thriller), suddenly and loudly grab them and manhandle them to the chair. Sit your sub down, and get him or her secured. Start with the wrists behind the back (whether they are behind or in front of the chair back will depend on the chair and your sub’s comfort level, and whether you care about that). Then do the ankles – you’ll want to get the legs spread as wide and far back as you can and then secure the ankle restraints to the chair leg. Finally, put the leather strap in place to secure the torso to the chair back – important to prevent too much wriggling around. Now, I prefer subs to not be wearing any clothes for this scene, so if they aren’t already there this could be a great opportunity to cut the clothes off, which can be a real thrill unto itself for some submissives (obviously, only if this has been negotiated and they aren’t overly attached to whatever they are wearing).

electro interrogation 04 -ankles strapped to chair — Make sure the bondage is nice and secure

Make sure the chair is secure and can’t fall backwards! Depending on what you do, the person tied to your chair may jump around a bit – the last thing you want is them falling backwards and being unable to cushion their fall.

Ideally the setting should be dark, which is perfect for now switching on your spotlights and directing them at the submissive. This creates a powerful effect of the person feeling like they are under scrutiny, while obscuring you as the questioner. Be aware of the power of the spotlight and exactly where you are pointing it – you don’t want to cause any permanent vision issues (like with all BDSM activities, I recommend testing on yourself before using on another person).

Now that the scene is set, you can begin the interrogation. Tell the person you are going to ask them some questions. Take an authoritative tone. Let them know you want them to answer you quickly, and truthfully.

I generally have two toys for this part. One mild torture toy like a violet wand set to a relatively gentle level. And one less forgiving toy like a Ta-zapper or simply a higher setting of the wand. You’ll notice the electrical play theme here, which I find accompanies the theme quite well, but you can of course substitute whatever you like for these – impact, clamps etc (electrical play can be dangerous – don’t do it without learning about how to do it safely first).

Explain to your sub that you’ll be using the violet wand as you ask them questions, and that it had better not distract them from answering you. And let them know that if you think they are lying about anything, or answering too slowly, or you otherwise don’t like their answer, then you’ll be using the mean toy on them. At which point you might like to demonstrate once on them for effect.

Now that the tone is set and they are likely in a cooperative frame of mind, you can begin questioning. Start with easy questions:

“What’s your name?”

“How old are you?”

“Where are you from?”

This will get them into the habit of answering you immediately and truthfully. Write down the answers. Even if you already know the answers, it’s part of the ambience and the role. Now, move onto more personal and embarrassing questions:

“How much do you weigh?”

“How many people have you fucked?”

“What sex toys do you own?”

This will help open the person up to you, and move them into a special kind of submissive mindset. Be mindful of any topics that are limits or triggers (which you should already know if you previously done a proper play negotiation). But other than that, aim to keep establishing your position of authority and make them open up and bare all to you.

“Have you ever done any drugs?”

“When was the last time you masturbated?”

“Tell me in detail about a fantasy you think about while masturbating”.

All the while throughout the questioning, you should be teasing them with your violet wand (or other toy of choice). It should add a pleasant level of difficulty as they try to answer your questions. And don’t forget to punish them with the mean toy if they take their time, or don’t provide enough detail, or even if the answer is true but you disapprove, or even pretend to disapprove on moral grounds (e.g. “have you ever cheated on a lover”)

You may decide to press for more details and ask different questions depending on your sub’s answers. In this way, it can be quite bonding as you learn things about them you might not have otherwise. For the sub, I am told it can actually feel quite liberating and exhilarating being made to reveal intimate details – like kinky therapy, perhaps.

And of course, you can file away the info you learn about their fantasies for use in future play scenes.

Once you are done with the questioning, if they have been good then you might choose to use your pleasure toy to get them off – they’ll no doubt be hot and ready for it. But that’s almost a clichéd finish now, so I’ll leave that up to you!

Stay tuned for more scene ideas in future editions.

Have you ever done an interrogation scene, either as the top or the bottom? Tell me about your experiences and any comments you’d like to add below!

electro interrogation 02 -submissive girl is shocked — Being forced to tell you her secrets can powerfully deepen your connection with each other

BDSM Scene Ideas: Sluttification

May 8, 2017 By Desdemona 9 Comments

Sissification has long been a staple of the Fem-dom playbook. Also known as forced feminization, it involves a male submissive being made to wear feminine clothes (think lingerie and heels) and makeup, and then being made to do things in traditionally feminine ways – walking, talking and otherwise acting female-esque.

I borrowed from this concept to come up with a fun scene idea that can be used with a female submissive. Well, I suppose it can be used on any kind of submissive – but I have found great success in play with female submissives.

I present to you “slutification”.

As with sissification, there is a moderate D/s element to this play. There can also be some shame involved, which may be added to with verbal humiliation. How this is experienced will vary greatly depending on the submissive and her various life experiences and values. Make sure that any aspects you incorporate into the scene are within the bounds of what you have previously negotiated for play with your partner.

What you’ll need:
-One or more slutty dresses (there are some great options if you search “slutty dress” on Amazon. I like this one
-Tacky lingerie (something like this)
-Very high heeled stilettos (5+ inches)
-Assorted cheap and brightly colored lipsticks
-Assorted cheap eye shadows
-Extra black mascara
-Foundation
-Blush

I think you can probably see where I’m going with this.

It’s pretty simply really. Start by letting her know that the outfit she chose is not to your liking. You were hoping for something a little… sluttier. Let her know you are going to help her learn to be a good little whore for you. At that point you can pull out the dress, lingerie and shoes you got her, and tell her to get changed. Now, depending on how extravagant you want to go, you might have a few different outfit options for her. Make her go and get changed for you. You will sit waiting while she changes in another room and comes back to model the dress for you.

If you happen to own a spotlight (also useful for interrogation scenes), make her step into the bright light so you can examine her properly. Have her turn and twirl for you.

Once you are satisfied with her new attire, it’s on to the artistic part!

Have your precious pet kneel in front of you while you sit in a comfortable chair. You could incorporate some bondage at this point if you like, but I prefer the D/s aspect of ordering her into the correct positions to your liking.

If you are anything like me, you have extremely limited experience applying makeup to a person. Great! The less skilled the better for this part. The goal here is not to make her look beautiful – it’s to make her look like a cheap hooker. So start with some foundation. Then the lipstick. Make sure to choose something extra bright and garish, and once she gets her lips nice and taught for you, smear it liberally on.

Your girl is no doubt well versed in applying make up to make herself look pretty, so by now she will be starting to realize that your technique is less than expert. It will be a true test of her submission to accept this as you undo all of her patient preparation. What a perfect time to rattle off some yogi quotes for her about gratitude, humility, and being calm in the face of adversity.

On to the eyes! When choosing an eye shadow, I recommend… you guessed it – bright and colorful! One play partner informed later that she just knew I was going to go for the blue. Apparently it’s the clichéd choice for such scenes. Nevertheless, so timeless and classic all the same. Follow your heart on this one. Next up, the lashes. Let’s go big and bold and fat with those bad boys.

Finally, it’s time to slap on a little blush and your masterpiece will be complete.

From here, you have any number of directions for where to take the scene. Perhaps you make her do a strip-tease for you, perhaps you give her some explicit training on how to be a good slut… or maybe just drive her to a seedy street and make her flaunt her wares. Don’t forget to keep reminding her about exactly how she looks.

Have you ever done an slutificaiton or sissification scene, either as the top or the bottom? Tell us about your experiences and any comments you’d like to add below!

Kink Weekly Launch Party – tickets on sale now

April 18, 2017 By Desdemona 7 Comments

GET TICKETS HERE

We are very excited to tell you that we will be hosting an official Kink Weekly Launch Party on June 10, 2017, in our hometown of Los Angeles, California.

While we have been online for a little over a year now, we have recently achieved some great milestones in our readership and want to celebrate this with a unique BDSM event for our writers, photographers, models and kinky friends.

This will be a very special event, with an intimate feel and we would love to share it with our fantastic readers – you! As such, a limited number of tickets will be available for purchase online. Come along and get kinky with Dexx, anniebear, Baadmaster, Jenn and all of our other kinky contributors and models.

We have partnered with the one and only Lovely Fate Events to produce the event. If you didn’t get a chance to read Laila’s recent review of a Lovely Fate evening, check it out here.

This will be a very special evening – a play party like no other, with unique interactive entertainment and a sensual, electric atmosphere for your own awesome scenes. We hope to see some of you there!

Special guests joining us include:
Mistress Lucy Khan
Princess Marx
Plus Arcane, Slave Daphne, Hudsy Hawn, Goddess Fae, Crocoduck, Rope Daddy and more.

GET TICKETS HERE.

*If you are an experienced Dom / Top and would like to do a featured play scene that is particularly unique, interesting or creative, contact us to find out about discounted tickets (limited availability).

*If you are a sub / bottom of any experience level and are interested in participating in a featured play scene with an experienced Top (scene to be negotiated in advance), contact us to find out about discounted tickets (limited availability)

Practical Slave Positions

September 19, 2016 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Slave positions are standard poses that you can teach your submissive or slave to memorize, to be assumed on command. The exercise of training a submissive in the poses, and punishing and rewarding them based on their successes and failures along the way, can be a fun and bonding play scene for those into domination and submission.

There are as many different slave positions as there are dominants, but below we have outlined 12 of the most popular which you can use as a starting point for training your submissive.

This post contains affiliate links. For more info, see our disclosures here.

Everyone has different needs and physical limitations, so as the Dominant, consider some leniency while your slave is getting used to the different body positions. You may find that one position exacerbates an old injury or perhaps your slave is not flexible enough to achieve another. All of the following examples can be modified or simply removed all together based on your preferences and the limitations of your slave’s body. On the other hand, most can be made more difficult by adding additional elements like wearing high heels while holding the positions.

Position 1 – Present

Present slave position – sitting down on knees, with knees spread wide and hands palm up on thighs.

This position is a great starting point for training your slave in positions. It’s easy to learn and not too difficult to maintain However, if the slave is wearing heels or not the most flexible, then this position may become uncomfortable after a while. I like this one as it shows respect and patience in the part of the slave.

Position 2 – Submit

“Submit” slave position – kneeling forward face down with knees spread and arms stretched in front.

Submit may look familiar, as it is quite similar to “child’s pose” in yoga. It’s pretty comfortable to remain in for longer periods of time, and puts the slave into a nice downward facing submissive posture. They won’t be able to see what you’re doing, and the forehead on hands lends itself well to having your slave get into a relaxed state of mind.

A more difficult variation of this position is “grovel”, where the arms are in a box position behind the back (shown in the picture at the top of this article).

Position 3 – Kneel Forward

“Kneel forward” slave position – straight arms and hips forward from knees

This position is essentially plank pose, but on the knees so a little less intense. When held correctly (with hips forward of knees), it will be challenging to endure for periods. A more difficult variation is “punishment” where the feet are held off the ground (increasing pressure on the knees).

Position 4 – Kneel Back

“Kneel back” slave position – kneeling with knees wide, while leaning back onto straight arms.

Those with tight thigh muscles will find it a challenge to get into this position. It’s a very submissive and aesthetically pleasing position, which provides great access to all of the front of the slave’s body.

Position 5 – Expose

“Expose” slave position – kneeling with hands behind head and knees spread wide

This position is named very aptly. I could picture sitting a slave in a corner at a public dungeon or play party in this position, for all to see (and have several times in fact).

A variation is to have the slave crouched on feet rather than knees, and the arms can be behind the back rather than over the head (pictured on the right above).

Position 6 – Hands

“Hands” slave position – arms together held out in front while kneeling down

This position is a test of endurance on the arms. To make more difficult, have them straighten their arms, or add an object like a book to be held (as shown in the picture).

Position 7 – Floor

“Floor” slave position – lying face down, wrists cross behind back

The slave in this position feels true supplication. They are physically at the lowest level possible, which can be experienced at a very emotional level. The wrists behind the back means the full weight of gravity is felt on the body. This can be made more difficult by having the forehead rest on the floor rather than the cheek.

Position 8 – Apology

“Apology” slave position – lying face down, forehead down, arms spread wide

The forehead touching the ground ensures the slave cannot see anything happening in the room. The arms spread wide means the slave takes up more space, ensuring they are seen by all in the room. A big statement of obedience and total submission – perfect for a slave that has something to apologize for.

Position 9 – Wait up

“Wait up” slave position – standing with legs slightly apart, wrists crossed above the head

It’s like waiting, but with the hands neatly and submissively out of the way in case Master should feel like playing with the slaves tits. And certainly would never be confused with an independent person just casually standing around.

Position 10 – Wait

“Wait” slave position – standing with legs slightly apart, arms in box position behind the back

More subtle that “Wait up”, this can be a nice default position when waiting on the Master, or when in vanilla settings where it draws less attention that other positions.

A variation is to allow the legs to be only slight apart rather than spread wide, which will be more subtle and more comfortable for longer periods of time.

Position 11 – Spread

“Spread” slave position – lying down on back, with arms behind back in box position, and legs spread wide

This position coveys total sexual submission. The genitals and breasts are presented and available for the Master’s every whim.

Position 12 – Wheel

“Wheel” slave position – feet slightly apart, back bend supported by the hands

This shares the name of “wheel pose” (also known as upward bow) in yoga. It is the most difficult of these 12 positions to enter and maintain – a true test of strength and endurance. For those slaves who are able to hold this position for their master, the effort will be rewarded by the feeling of complete submission to their Master.

I hope these positions give you some great inspiration for training your submissive in slave positions! Many Dominants come up with their own names and variations on positions, and have their subs / slaves practice and memorize them based on position number, name or both. If you have a unique approach to slave position training, we’d love to hear about it in the comments below!

Tip of the day: Interested in trying shibari rope bondage, either being tied up or learning to tie? Experience shibari in Los Angeles with Lovely Fate.

New Covid restrictions – should vaxxed people be exempt?

BDSM Scene Ideas: Forced Exercise

February 8, 2016 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Being in Los Angeles, we have the advantage of many many types of dungeons, events, classes, and munches. But what if you live in a place that does not offer this type of diversity? We hope this ongoing BDSM scene idea series gives you some good ammunition to practice in the privacy of your own home.

This week we’re offering exercise scene ideas, inspired by a local forced exercise class at Dungeon East hosted by the talented Mistress Justine Cross and personal trainer Samuel Every. anniebear was lead through a series of exercises, but no tapping out if she got too tired. Mistress was at the ready with a crop for those lazy booties!

What you will need:
-Honestly, nothing! All you need is an open space for your bottom/slave/submissive to move about. But here are some recommended, optional accessories:
-yoga or exercise mat
-terrible (to your submissive’s tastes) music
-hitting implements-crop, cane, flogger, etc.
-timer or stopwatch (most phones these days come with time keeping apps)

You can prep this scene by scheduling an “exercise night” with your submissive. Give the illusion that you two are going to workout together and have them be at the ready in workout clothes on the designated date night. You should also show up in work out clothes too just to keep things going. If they pepper you with questions about the impending workout, simply say it’s a surprise but that you’re pretty sure they’ll enjoy it.

Begin with a quick interrogation of their recent eating and exercise habits. anniebear has a rule that she cannot eat sweets without asking permission so this would be a good time to see if the rule was broken. The fun part about this scene is it does not matter if your submissive is a health nut or hasn’t seen the inside of a gym in ten years, you can modify your torment to fit their abilities. We always recommend sticking to moderate/easy exercises unless you’re a trained professional. This is also the time to check in on any injuries new or old that they’ve sustained.

Once you’ve determined how good or bad they’ve been that week, let the exercise begin! I know one Master that makes his slave disrobe before the workout, thus enhancing the humiliation of the scene. The choice is entirely up to you. You’ll want to start every good work out with a stretch. Focus on lots of stretches that require bending over to better access the rear. You can deliver some good swats or spanks while they focus on stretching. Then of course, arms up to the sky to stretch the torso and torment the nipples.

For a warm up, start with jumping jacks. Put some music on that you know your slave will hate; anniebear particularly “enjoys” heavy metal/grunge (where the guy is kind of screaming over the top of a beat) or Britney Spears. Between each jumping jack, you’ll have access to swat or tease the genitals. Have them keep doing the jumping jacks until they’re a bit out of breath. You can introduce a stopwatch or timer, having them count aloud the number of jumping jacks they can accomplish in a certain time period. If they meet certain goals you can reward them…with more spankings of course!

Next, we’ll lay down on the floor for everyone’s favorite, sit ups! Sit ups or crunches are really hard for a lot of people. This would be a good time to offer some positive reinforcement and encouragement while at the same time reminding them that if they do not complete a set goal for number of crunches then they will be punished. If your submissive looks a little “heated” you can cool them down with a surprise, swift spray in the face with a spray/misting water bottle. The reaction will be hilarious!

Moving on to push ups. During this “workout” it’s important to recognize what your submissive is actually able to do and stick to that. However, you both may find your own joy in “making” them try to do one whole push up or pull up if that’s where they’re at physically. Some folks are into the humiliation aspect of it. It all depends what you’ve negotiated. The push up is a great opportunity to offer swats to the behind or increase difficulty by propping your feet on their back while they labor away. You can also focus n the under size by teasing or pinching the nipples.

Get creative with this scene! The possibilities are only limited by your submissive’s abilities and even then you can modify almost any task to make it less difficult. Do you have any funny or clever forced exercise ideas? We’d love to hear about it! Happy sweating (and swatting)!

Kinky fun at the 2016 AVNs, Las Vegas

January 25, 2016 By Desdemona 3 Comments

The AVN expo and awards took place in Las Vegas over the past week. anniebear and I had the pleasure of attending for the first time.

Hosted at the Hard Rock Hotel, the event is at it’s heart a porn industry event, but it does have some BDSM elements as well, which is of course what we were most interested in checking out.

The expo is big enough that it sprawls across three large halls. Porn producers and stars filled many of the booth spaces, with opportunities for attendees to meet and take pictures with their favorite performers. Virtual Reality (VR) porn was heavily featured, suggesting that goggle wearing 3D video may be the future of the industry.

Upstairs, “The Lair” offered a section of the exhibition dedicated to fetish and BDSM. Coordinated by Sanctuary’s Mistress Cyan, vendors and kinksters from Vegas and across America came to offer their wares. With play spaces at either end, there were scheduled performances and workshops throughout the expo, including rope and whip displays. There was even time for anniebear to get a quick demo from Leather by Danny and Scott at Flogger Knows best. She’s never one to turn down some “funishment.”

On the main stage, we were treated to a stage show by Stockroom’s cabaret crew, led by the fabulous Hudsy Hawn. My personal favorite involved some advanced pet-play, with Skin Diamond playing the part of a very sexy kitty who got the cream… and then poured it all over herself (bottles and bottles of the stuff) before splashing around in it and making a great big creamy mess all over the stage.

Skin Diamond, the kitty who got the cream

Back in the exhibit hall, we came across some cool booths. One vendor, Rubber Nipple catering to age play on a whole new level, with adult sized pacifiers, cute adult sized diapers, and a giant inflatable crib. anniebear couldn’t resist jumping in a for a little nap.

Just across the way, a leather craft store visiting from New York, Touch of Fur offered high quality floggers and live demonstrations. The owner was kind enough to give anniebear a good old flogging (was that her second or third for the day?), before teaching me some new tricks. I was finally able to get the hang of the double Florentine, something I intend to keep practicing with anniebear… regularly.

As we walked past the Clips4Sale booth, performer Ashley Fires spotted us and beckoned anniebear over to offer her a public spanking in front of the watching crowd. Well, it’s not every day that you get offered a spanking by a hot porn star, so we of course obliged her and anniebear enjoyed a wonderful little play scene with Ashley and her friends.

Mid-spank with the girls. — anniebear mid-spank with the Ashley Fires and friends

There were many parties on throughout the week, all with wonderful themes and all sorts of interesting folks. The one we were most interested in was of course The Lair Fetish party at Club Vinyl hosted by House Ravynblood. This was where all the kinky crowd were to be found, and it featured stage performances including the hilarious Sir Gear, and the captivating Emily Marilyn. There was a who’s who of notable kinksters in attendance, including Ken Marcus, Mistress Cyan and Master Eragon.

On Saturday evening, we met up with Playboy Radio who were kind enough to do a live on air interview with anniebear and myself about Kink Weekly. They were very interested to learn more about the BDSM community, and we hope that some of their listeners will make 2016 the year that they decide to more fully explore their kinky side.

Playboy Radio in progress with Mike, Holly, and some bunnies. — Playboy Radio in progress with Michael, Holli, and some bunnies.

Saturday night brought the culmination of the show and the main event – the AVN Awards themselves.

Fans and press flocked to the Hard Rock hotel to catch glimpses of their favorite stars – for once dressed up to the nines in fabulous outfits. Everyone was so beautiful and well dressed, one observer noted that it would be difficult to tell the difference between the AVN red carpet and that of the Oscars.

The awards ceremony was hosted by well known adult actresses Annika Albright and Joanna Angel. The pair did not fail to disappoint, even performing a song and dance number “That’s what porn’s all about”.

When it came to the awards themselves, kink had a good night. BDSM flick “The Submission of Emma Marx: Boundaries” cleaned up with four awards, including Best Actress (Penny Pax) and Best Screenplay. Meanwhile, Kink.com took the award for “best alternative website”.

Performer James Deen took a diminished role compared with previous years. Nominated for 33 awards, he was all charm and smiles on the red carpet. However, Deen has been mired in accusations of rape and abuse – first by ex-girlfriend and fellow performer Stoya in November of 2015, and then by a series of other female co-stars. In the end, in taking only two minor groups awards, he did not appear on stage – the award committee no doubt keen to avoid being overtly associated with him amidst the storm of allegations.

Myself and anniebear are now back in Los Angeles, recuperating from a most eventful weekend in Las Vegas. I think it’s safe to say it was one for the books.

Five Kinky Toys for My X-Mas Vacation

December 21, 2015 By Desdemona 2 Comments

I’m taking anniebear to Mexico for five nights over the Christmas holiday. So as I pack, I thought I’d share with you the five toys that are getting packed in the suitcase to keep us entertained. Sneak preview – I found some pretty unique new toys at Edgeplay Gear that I’ll be test driving. If you want to snag some for yourself, don’t forget to enter promo code “kinkweekly” during checkout to get a 10% discount.

Cat Claw Skin Scratcher

The great thing about this is that it can be used for very different effects. Stroke it lightly along the skin and you have some incredible sensation play on your hands (literally). It causes the whole body to tingle and draws the bottom into a state of warm fluffy desire and anticipation. Pull a little harder along the skin and they will know you mean business as it becomes a scratchy painful sensation. Push hard enough again and you could draw blood – so make sure to keep it sterilized and only do that if you have negotiated it for your play. Can also produce some interesting sensations with a poking motion instead of scratching. Bonus effects when used on pink sensitive areas.

Hands up! Suction cups

It’s bondage Jim, but not as we know it. If you fancy having your lover helpless at your mercy in the shower, then look no further. The great thing about shower bondage is that all those dirty, messy things you wanted to do but didn’t want to ruin the sheets suddenly become so much more appealing. Like smearing her in peanut butter, for instance. Or dousing her in olive oil and yourself in balsamic and making sweet, sweet vinaigrette. Too weird? Ok fine, just turn the shower on her and alternate between hot and cold until she begs you to do whatever you want her to beg you to do.

Lead them by the nose shackle and leash kit

Did somebody say nose play? No really, did somebody say that? No – it was just me… oh, ok. Well, there’s something particularly humbling about a submissive being led by her (or indeed his) nose. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it’s at least a little bit piggy-ish, don’t you think? Put her in a loose hog tie and make her squirm around and make oinking noises, perhaps. Add some drinking from a trough, and some rolling around in the mud, and you’ve got yourself a pretty damn awesome pet play scene. Simultaneous bacon frying optional.

Forced Orgasm Belt

OK, so the premise here is pretty simple. The hitachi gets held right on the subject’s fun bits. The powerful vibrations wash over them as their pesky arms and legs are suitably restrained. Helpless to resist, an orgasm builds, and builds, and arrives! Moans, screams, curling toes… But the vibration doesn’t stop. Damn, make it stop, it’s so sensitive… ahh, ahh…. Ohhhh. And then it starts to build again. Another orgasm, how can this be?

And so on, orgasm after orgasm, punctuated with the agony of post-orgasm vibration torture in between.

The great thing is that, once the Dom has set this up and switched it on, very little effort is required. So you can focus your efforts on kissing, or caressing, or heck – maybe a little pain to accompany that pleasure. Or you can just blindfold her and sit back and enjoy the view. And let’s face it, with this particular toy, the sub pretty much has to be a “her”.

Stainless Steel Lips and tongue press

No… F-ing… way. I’m still processing this thing. Is it really what it appears to be? Is it devious, maniacal, diabolical? Ingenious, incredible, amazing?

OK, I’m going to be honest now. Of all of the toys I’m writing about, I haven’t actually tried this one yet. But I stumbled across it online and sat gaping in awe, trying to decipher the fleshy protrusions – what was lips, what was tongue? Made of pure metal and dominance, this is an object of awe and alien beauty.

I can only imagine the special brand of gag-talk that this bad boy will produce.

anniebear had better watch out, because a jolly fat man in a UPS sleigh just delivered this and it has her name written all over it.

Article - Dexx

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