Article - Guest Author

Why Excellent Submission Can Be Remarkably Elusive

November 10, 2021 By Ms. Rika Leave a Comment

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

A few weeks ago, I was talking to a submissive online (not my submissive) and we were discussing ways that he could help his wife feel more comfortable with being dominant. As with many “vanilla” people, the imagery of what “A Dominant is” was greatly influenced by media, her husband’s prior attempts to introduce BDSM to her, and probably porn. She had no interest in becoming that imagery.

We talked about changing the imagery, from the stereotypical image to something in which he would be serving her for the person she was – without her having to change who she is.

He suggested that he define his submission by “elevating his wife to be his queen”. He would “treat her like royalty and he would be her loyal subject.” She would be in control of everything in her kingdom and he would “obey her every wish”.

He thought I’d love this suggestion and tell him what a great idea it was and how well he grasped pure submission. Only I didn’t. Rather, I started questioning him about what his wife would like, what she really needs from him, and whether the imagery of the “Queen” would fulfill her. He was confused. He couldn’t understand why treating her like a queen would not constitute excellent submission.

I needed to help him understand what does constitute excellent submission – and why excellent submission can be remarkably illusive. I decided to make the point with a more obvious analogy: Pain – and then bring it home to his situation. Here’s how it went:

Let’s say that a guy really loves to be hurt. Perhaps he’s a true masochist and really does get off on the pain of pain, not just the idea of pain. He decides to serve a particular partner by accepting pain.

We agree that, if his partner does not like inflicting pain, but his partner chooses to do it – or he coerces his partner into doing it – “for him”, that it’s not going to be considered submission to that partner…they may still have some kinky fun, but it won’t be “submission”. Submission is FOR the dominant.

But, let’s say that the partner REALLY loves to dole out pain. Perhaps the partner is a true sadist. In this situation, the man’s intent to serve this partner, and his intent to serve himself completely overlap. This is the perfect storm of sorts and is, unfortunately, kind of rare. But let’s say that’s where we are.

In this situation it will be VERY DIFFICULT to determine if his actions are truly “submission” or not, because his intent will be difficult to ascertain. Without the intent to fulfill the dominant, the sub’s actions become self-serving. In some ways, we can say, “who cares – both partners are being fully satiated by the activities”, right? Well…not really.

Even in this situation, his real intent will show itself when/if his desires and the partner’s desires begin to differ, either in intensity or composition. Pain is a broad category, so their differences will eventually show. If this guy is really submissive, he will need to adapt to conform to his partner’s preferences (assuming he can). There could be, of course, compromise…which, if BOTH partners feel serves them fully, would be submission. But, if he tries to force the partner into doing “pain” his way, it will be manipulation and he will not be acting like a submissive.

He understood. So, then we took it back to his example: The man wants to serve his wife and elevate her “to be his queen”. The same scenarios apply:

Does the wife WANT to be the queen, make all decisions, rule the kingdom and have a servant who will obey her every order? Some might, but if not, then making her his queen would certainly be for him – but would not be submission. It can’t be submission unless SHE feels it serves her.

If the wife feels served by being “the queen” and receives that from a position of dominance, then certainly, his elevating her to that position in his life would be an act of submission…just as the sadist and masochist hit the perfect storm.

However, what if the wife wants to be the queen, but defines being “the queen” differently than he does? Just like the masochist and sadist, how he adapts will determine his submissiveness. Is he going to adapt his definition to cater to her preferences as the definition of his submission – perhaps appealing to their underlying relationship level to compromise for some, or all, of the rest – or is he going to manipulate her into assuming his definition of “queendom”?

This will determine how “submissive” he is.

Excellent service is hard to do. Subs who can develop and maintain that level of focus and dedication are worth their weight in gold.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Types Of Power Exchange Dynamics

November 4, 2021 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

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I have been known to argue definitions a time or two. I ascribe to the traditional (often referred to as Old Guard) views. However, I am realistic and recognize that as the community grows, becomes more mainstream, and evolves, I am going to meet people who disagree with me.

I love it. I thrive on the intellectual debates and wider viewpoints that other people’s experiences have shaped.

That said, I have been in a debate for near a week now that I thought would interest you. Going forward, I will be discussing types of play that are extremely sensitive in nature and may be triggering to some individuals. Please proceed at your own risk.

The debate started because I was curious about several terms that are commonly used interchangeably. Consensual non-consent, 24/7, Total Power Exchange, and Total Authority Exchange are the terms we will be exploring.

I will revisit my thoughts on these after we lay some groundwork.

Let’s start with the basics: definitions.

Power Exchange: A dynamic between two (or more) individuals in which one (or some) take control of decisions and one (or some) give up control. These dynamics can be romantic, sexual, business like, mental, or even spiritual in nature. Outside of the exchange of control, each is unique to the persons involved.

24/7: This is a PE dynamic that is in effect at all times, even when the Dominant and submissive are not together (i.e. at work, running errands, etc).

It is extremely common for 24/7 to be used interchangeably with Total Power Exchange (TPE).
24/7 is also commonly associated with High Protocol dynamics and the idea of a live-in slave.

While these are both viable examples of 24/7, the actual definition simply means the dynamic is “all the time.” It can be Daddy Dom/little girl, Master/slave, soft/hard Dom/submissive, Sadist/masochist, Handler/pet, and so forth.

Total Power Exchange: A TPE is a dynamic where the submissive has given up all decision-making abilities to the Dominant.

Most often, a TPE is generally used to refer to an M/s dynamic. This is especially true with the online educational communities.
There are debates that those in a TPE dynamic are only “real” if they do not have limits beyond their Masters’, do not use a safeword, and do not work outside the home.
This is also often portrayed as a High Protocol only dynamic.

Total Authority Transfer: A TAT dynamic is one where it is consensually agreed that one person assumes authority and one person yields authority. “Total” signifies that it is a transfer of complete, or near-complete, authority. Although this could be for a predetermined time or indefinite, a “total authority transfer relationship” implies that it is ongoing until consent is withdrawn.

This is a term I was less familiar with and had to research its inherent difference from a TPE. I found the above definition to be the most concise. It was found in the BDSM glossary on Fetlife.
At first read, the two terms do seem very similar. Through research, the difference is the equality of power kept by each person involved. A TPE is a D/s or M/s dynamic where someone gives up their power to make their own decisions. A TAT is an agreement between two individuals where one yields to another’s decisions while still retaining the ability to make opposing decisions if they choose to.
An example of this is what I have with my wife vs. Master. Master makes all the decisions in our relationship. We have a TPE. However, my wife and I have a different relationship.
One example is with money. She has her own money and the power to spend it as she pleases. She is an adult. Through mutual agreement, however, I keep the money in my account, give her an allotment, and approve all non-necessary purchases. She has given me this right because she can be impulsive with money. Another example is medical decisions. She has the right to make her own appointments and keep track of her own meds. She has given me the rights to those decisions for her safety and due to prior trauma, which tends to impede her ability to initiate self-care. She can withdraw the consent at any time and in this, there is no punishment when her decisions do not align with mine. It revolves heavily around communication, understanding, and the ability to explain why I have made the decisions I have made when she does not understand them.
Non-consensual Consent (NonCon/CNC): According to the BDSM Glossary on Fetlife.com, CNC is a “mutual agreement that within defined limits, or subject to a Safeword or other restrictions, and to common sense, consent to activities without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned.”
That is a fancy way of saying “do what you want as long as I haven’t used my safeword and nobody is gravely injured.” At least, that’s how I read it. Essentially, CNC is any play that is not pre-negotiated and involves the illusion of non-consent.
CNC is often tied to edge play. Knife play, gun play, kidnapping roleplay, rape roleplay, race play, home invasion roleplay, medical play and other type of play that has an element of resistance, coercion, or fear. For reactions to be more genuine, most of the scene may be left undiscussed.
CNC in no way means that they do not have the right to Safeword at any time. As with any type of scene, anyone involved has the right to withdraw consent at any point before or during play. You also have the right to refuse aftercare, even if it was previously negotiated.
Personally, I also add the term Dubious Consent (Dubcon). It involves coercion, blackmail, and/or abuse of power roleplay. It could be as simple as pursuing someone consistently, after they have said no, until they give in to your wants. I have this listed because it can be included in some fantasy play. Things like Headmaster/student, Boss/secretary, or Head of Household (HoH)/maid.

That was quite a few definitions we just went through. I am going to give you a moment to breathe now.

Alright, time’s up.

Let’s get into the juicy part of this: the drama

For those of you who haven’t read my articles before, here is some background information. Master and I have been in a TPE for four years, He has collared me, and He has blanket consent from me. Blanket consent means that he can do as he pleases without prior consent, negotiation, or discussion with me. Unless I safeword, he has free reign. I do not claim to be up for anything. There are a minimal number of items on my hard limit list. These hard limits are ones that Master shares. I do not have a soft limit list. If Master chooses to try something, we are going to try it.

Blanket consent, by definition, depicts a CNC mindset. Therefore, I have been told that my relationship is CNC/TPE by several members of a “Traditional BDSM” group I am in. That was the first time I had seen those terms used interchangeably.

**On a side note, the “TNG” group told me the terms were different but that my dynamic was invalid because I do not negotiate nor do I safeword (even if I technically have one). But that’s a different story**

From there, I became extremely curious if this mixing of definitions was common. So, I started asking questions since the varying groups had members from across the United States and extending around the world.

There was a quick divide in opinions. The minority agreed with the statement above; CNC/TPE are the same. But the wider majority disagreed, loudly. The resounding opinion was that CNC applies only to scenes and not to the structure of a dynamic.

Which, honestly, surprised me.

There has always been an underlying teaching (especially in the last ten years or so) that BDSM is unique to each relationship. How it is defined, structured, and lived is up to those involved.

So, why does there continue to be the argument of definition?

It comes down to our experiences. All the definitions I have listed are different. 24/7 is a broad, umbrella term that separates part-time dynamics (weekend, bedroom only, pick-up play, or business transaction—pay for play) from full-time dynamics. The consensus seems to be that 24/7 dynamics must be a live-in dynamic. I do not have as strict a belief of that because there are times I am gone for weeks for work. Master’s rules do not change when I am gone. I work as a service to Him, to help our household thrive. My absence from the house, when necessary, does not put our dynamic on hold.

I was trained in the era listed above, under TPE. “[t]hat those in a TPE dynamic are only “real” if they do not have limits beyond their Masters’, do not use a safeword, are always in High Protocol, and do not work outside the home.” I have learned with Master that the defining factor of our dynamic is the submission to His will. That means that our TPE is not diminished because He requires a safeword. His power does not end when I go to work. The amount of protocol, at any time, is His choice, not mine. Trying to conform to the definitions of the masses undermines His authority. Above all, His word matters most.

By the definition, and examples, I have provided, CNC is typically scene related. I typically consider it an addition to our dynamic because of the blanket consent. If Master wants to lend me out to others, sexually or otherwise, that is his prerogative. If he wishes to enact a CNC style scene, it does not end until He is ready for it to conclude. It is my own thoughts on what submission means that drives these commitments to Him.

Each time these arguments happen, I can see the passion in their own beliefs. I can see the experiences laid bare for all to see. I can see the pain of their failures, the triumph in their growth, the confusion and reflection as they learned about themselves, and I can see their commitment to their lifestyle path.

No one experiences any of that the same way and our experiences create our definitions.

More than likely, the debate on these terms will continue to be a point of contention. The longer we have been involved in the lifestyle, the more rigid our definitions seem to be. But everyday more and more people discover the world of BDSM. With their enthusiasm, they bring their own experiences. With time, they will bring growth and evolution to the traditions we live by. If we fail to balance our traditions and our growth, we risk staying stagnate and losing our lifestyle through exclusivity.

I do not pretend to speak for anyone but myself. I am going to continue to get into discussions, and arguments, with others so I can learn. Master helps me grow in my submission and in my ability to self-reflect. My community (which extends across the world because of the internet) helps me expand my definitions, my thoughts, and, most importantly, my experiences.

My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

The Importance of Recognition And How It Differs From Praise

October 27, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

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In my past articles and books, particularly when discussing CERAF (Communication, Expectations, Recognition, Assessment, and Feedback), I’ve highlighted the importance of “Recognition” within power dynamics. The “greatest fear” that submissives have repeatedly expressed to me, is that they are in their dynamics alone; that the power dynamic is in their heads; that their partners are somewhat indifferent to the power dynamic; and that they are fabricating the connection themselves.

When experiencing this fear, many submissives will test the resolve of their dominant partner. They will act up, become irreverent, or outright challenge their dominant partner. They seek attention – but not just any attention – they seek to force the dominant to demonstrate that they understand their position and will “use it” to bring about compliance.

This type of behavior is problematic on many fronts, all of which serve to dilute the dominant’s position of authority: It forces the dominant to respond (when they don’t want to) – a form of manipulation, it openly challenges the dominant’s authority – a direct denial of the dynamic, and it often results in “topping from the bottom”. It is clearly NOT DESIREABLE.

I was in a discussion a couple of days ago, where the topic of “Praise” of a submissive came up. Although the participants weren’t directly identifying it as such, the key points of the discussion were primarily revolving around the submissive’s “fear of abandonment”. They brought up the sullen nature some submissives will take when they are not “appreciated”. They even brought up the bratty behavior of some submissives, when they feel the dominant is not as involved as they wanted. The idea was that praise was important to give a submissive, when the submissive did something for you, to acknowledge their efforts and to make them feel good about their service. To encourage them to continue to serve.

Praise is fine; when it’s appropriate and deserved. However, I took the stance, that praise wasn’t the important factor in demonstrating the acknowledgement they were seeking, but rather that RECOGNITION was the key. I claim that it isn’t critical to praise a sub, but rather to let the sub know you recognize their efforts – recognize them from a position of dominance – and recognize the submissive intent the sub had when performing the action. This sends a clear and consistent message: That you are involved in the dynamic, expect benefit from it, and have interest in making their submission the best it can possibly be for you.

For those linguistic sticklers, I point out that there is a huge difference between praise and recognition. Recognition may not always be praising and can even be constructive…and yet, still be very confirming. Demonstrating to a submissive, that you recognize their efforts to serve you, helps to reassure them that they are not alone in their efforts…that the power dynamic is shared and important to both of you.

Recognition can come without assessment. “I see you trying” is different than “I like what I see”. Recognition is always positive to receive, even if the ultimate assessment isn’t. For example, if I correct a submissive as they attempt to do something to serve me, I am demonstrating that I see their efforts and are receiving them from a position of dominance with the submission he intended – however, I am correcting him – so the actual message is that there is something he could be doing better and I expect him to understand the correction and adapt to it.

There is a reason “Recognition” is at the center of CERAF and that it is independent from Assessment and Feedback. It could be argued that Assessment and Feedback are already forms of recognition…and that would be true, IF you could provide IMMEDIATE Assessment and Feedback. However, there are several reasons why it’s not reasonable to give immediate Assessment and Feedback: Life gets in the way; It may not be convenient at the time; It may be tiring at the time; It may take a more prolonged performance to provide a complete assessment; etc. Even in such cases, it’s important to demonstrate recognition of the sub’s effort.

It doesn’t have to be a large, or even spoken, recognition…it needs to be one that is understood by the submissive to mean “I see you trying”. Those of you who have read my writing before, may remember “Simple Gifts” – Things you can do, that take no effort, that make no commitment – but communicate recognition. It can be a knowing glance or smile, a quick “Good boy”, a “You serve me so well” …or even a “we’ll talk about this later”.

Submissives who receive immediate recognition of their submission, even if it is independent of the assessment of their efforts, are far more likely to continue to strive to “submit better”. Immediate feedback that their efforts are recognized provides continued incentive. The assessment will come…Submission is not a “one-and-done” event – it’s a lifetime journey of growth, feedback, reassessment, and improvement. But quick and immediate recognition keeps the connection active and present.

Praise is great. Praise, when deserved is something I never hold back. But praise requires assessment – and sometimes, assessment takes time. And sometimes, the assessment is not positive. Dominants, recognize your sub’s efforts immediately; and communicate your assessment whenever it is convenient. You will find that their performance will be far more consistent and rewarding!

What Happened Last Week

October 20, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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This week, I decided to share a true story. I often get asked what life is like for my submissive hubby. I’ve talked about his birthday celebrations in the past…days dedicated to tweaking his fantasies for him. But the following happened last week, which is kind of normal for us, and I thought I’d write it down in prose form for my readers.

NOTE: I run the risk of hokey dialog, but I don’t know any other way of depicting what happened. The exact words might not be these, but they do capture the gist – forgive me if it ends up reading like a letter to Penthouse:

I told him to kneel, and he dropped immediately.

I didn’t find his compliance surprising. It was rather expected; the result of 15 days of edging and denial. He was surely aching, although he never would complain. But when I “accidentally” allowed my hand to brush his crotch, his involuntary gasp and sigh gave him away. I could almost see his knees buckle. I figured I might as well help him out.

I knew he was almost at the point of losing reason. I was stretching his self-control – testing his will to remain obedient. Desperation is a regular state of mind for him, so I knew his resolve would win out. Still, this was the perfect time to tighten the noose, so he was going to need to experience how well I understood the condition I was cultivating in him.

To increase desperation, make the sub talk.

“Tell me what you want”, I looked down at him and he averted my gaze. I put my index finger under his chin and lifted his face so I could stare deeply into his eyes. “Tell me what you want. I want to hear it from you”.

“I’d like to please you. Make you scream.”, he said. “Make you scream” is our “lingo” for oral sex. I knew that he was being “good” and making it about me – and I wasn’t going to let him get away with it.

“Is that all?”

“No Goddess. I’d also like to come…please” he closed his eyes.

“Please? Are you begging me?

“Yes, Goddess. Please”

I laughed a bit and played it up: “Do you call that begging? I don’t think you’re serious enough. Maybe you haven’t gone long enough. Maybe a couple of more weeks?” I knew he was truly desperate and that his brain was clearly unable to fathom reason. What a perfect time to make him panic!

“No please…please. I beg of you. I beg you to please let me come. I can’t take any more of this…I mean, I will if you want me to, but please don’t want me to!”

I turned sideways in front of him and lifted the bottom of my blouse from my pants. I watched as his eyes sunk into my backside, loving the sleek look of my leathers. I swear I saw him tremble.

“Kiss my ass while you beg. Maybe I’ll do what you ask!” – I actually do sometimes give him what he wants, so it wasn’t an empty possibility.

He fell into my body immediately. I felt his hands grab my hips and pull his face close to my ass. Then I felt desperate kisses, creating tiny circles on my ass cheeks, moving around until finally his face buried itself into the crack of my ass, pressing against the material of my pants.

I pushed him back. “Where is your discipline? Slow kisses…gently…around my entire ass”. He was going to have to control himself.

He struggled to calm down. When I let him go, I felt his lips press against the cheeks of my ass, giving soft gentle kisses in concentric circles.

“Don’t get my slacks wet!” Always making sure he stayed focused. Give him something else to think about – in this case, keeping his kisses dry. Leather…focus…More desperation.

“Oh…see? You CAN do it!”. I gave him some time to continue his efforts – testing to see if he’d tire. But he continued to gently kiss. I knew he was struggling to keep his composure – binding his own hands behind his back with his will. Exhibiting the self-discipline he knows I demand in hopes of gaining my favor.

As he continued to kiss, I popped my hip out to the side, giving him a nice “S-Curve” to look at. “Tell me what you want, slave”.

Between his kisses, he sputtered, “Please, please…oh God…please, please let me please you!”. He was regaining his rational mind. Trying to position his need in terms that would be about me, rather than his selfish needs. I decided to test that a bit more.

“Rub yourself”, I softly demanded. I heard him moan and shift and play with himself, careful not to break the rhythm of his kisses. “You want to make me come? I might let you do that for me. Would that make you happy?”

“Yes…yes. Please, Goddess. Please”.

I stepped away and slowly turned to face him.

“Look at you! On your knees, playing with yourself like a schoolboy! Don’t forget to play with your balls too…pull them down. Oh, You poor desperate thing. You ARE desperate, aren’t you?”

He was going to have to admit it out loud. His own words are so much more powerful for driving him into his subspace than any others.

“God yes! Please. I beg you! I’m desperate!” His rubbing increased tempo.

“And who made you desperate?”, I prompted his demise.

“You…you made me desperate”

“Me? You allow me to control you like that? Why?”

“Because it pleases you and I’m your slave.”

I chuckled. Then came that perfect moment.

“Please Goddess, may I please stop masturbating – I will come if I continue”

Music to my ears! As instructed, as trained: The “Please Stop Me From Orgasming” rule is always in effect. Even though he so badly wants to come, he exhibited perfect self-control. Rather than begging me to come, he is instructed to beg me NOT to let him…even at his own hand. Total control because it’s all in his mind.

“Yes, slave. You may stop”, I calmly responded.

He let go of himself and slumped forward, catching himself with his hand against the ground. “Thank you, Goddess”

I walked closer to him and straddled his head, squeezing it gently between my legs. “You’re welcome, my pet!” I heard him inhale. I let him stay there for a moment, knowing that the smell of my leather slacks would further drive his journey down. I stepped back.

“Kneel up – hands behind your head”

He assumed the position immediately, breathing heavily. A strand of precome stretched between the tip of his penis and the small puddle on the floor. He was clearly ripe and ready. Poor baby.

I walked over to the couch and motioned for him to crawl to me. I had him take my pants and underwear down while I played with his hair. I let him kiss my belly and slowly work his way down to my pubic bone.

I put my hand on his forehead and pushed it backwards so he was looking up to me. Our eyes locked. “What do you want?” I asked again.

“Oh God, please let me eat you!”, he was delirious, deliciously desperate and perfectly hard.

I sat back on the couch and let him get close to me. I put my legs over his shoulders and shifted upwards towards him.

“Take your time. Serve me well” I instructed.

He was talented at oral sex when I first met him, and has been a very attentive student through the years – a great combination. His only wish is to get as close to perfect for me as he can. I’m more than willing to help him, although I openly admit, there are times when he does things I can’t explain – but want again!

He gave me two orgasms: The first a slow, long, drawn out, warm-me-all-over come; the second far sharper and more sudden. It was all I could do to let him maintain connection when the second one crested.

I looked down at him. He was so content and yet, so wanting. His erection had not faded throughout. I wanted that inside of me.

“Put it in”, I directed. He quickly slid into me. I was so open and ready. He slumped down against my chest, kissing and nuzzling my neck as he thrust against me. We were hitting a rhythm and I could feel his desire. I love that animal drive.

He was getting close, I could feel him swelling inside of me. Then, dutifully, he offered his ultimate submission, yet again: “Please let me stop”, he groaned out.

I considered the moment while he hung on the edge – awaiting permission to not come; I just LOVE that irony. I let him stew for a moment, well-aware that I was playing with fire. I could feel him slow down, just a bit, holding himself just short of going too far, but not wanting to stop without permission. So dutiful a servant, even under such desperate conditions.

“OK…you can stop”, I “relented”.

I could feel him collapse inside. I watched as he delicately and carefully stopped all motion, allowed himself a moment to recompose, and then slowly and carefully, pull himself out.

“And?” I inquired.

“Thank you, Goddess”, he mustered, trying to sound as sincere as possible. I’m sure the word “Bitch” was on his tongue tip at that moment – so I gave him some leeway despite him seeming a bit insincere.

“You’re welcome, puppy!” I rubbed his hair as he slipped down to a low kneel. “You can finish me now”, I leaned back and pulled his head once again to my pussy. He ate me deep and hard, his desperation driving him beyond. “Oh…you serve me SO well, slave”, I gave him encouragement and recognition. He just moaned and delivered. It was heaven.

The final orgasm was another long and warm, full-body toe-curler. By the time we were done, I could tell that he was getting back into full sub-mode; no longer disappointed that he didn’t orgasm, but rather loving the fact that the steady ache in his groin was making his head so much more subby.

It was time to give him a treat – something that he loves that will help him firmly establish his sub space…just for him. For my sub, the best gifts have to do with my feet. I stood up next to him, stepped into a puddle of his precome so that it squished into my toes, and lifted them to his mouth so he could clean them. I repeated the process until all the puddles were just wet-spots. He dove into this task with enthusiasm and gratitude.

When he was done, I stood him up and gave him a big kiss. Then I told him that I was going to take a shower and that he should put on some shorts, run my water, and turn the towel-heater on. Then he could go make dinner.

He thanked me (quite sincerely) and went off to the bathroom.

As I readied myself for my shower, I considered how lucky I am to have such a diligent and devoted submissive. I know he feels lucky too. For him, there’s no telling how many days of this type of close-call T&D I will put him through. Sometimes I let him come right away – other times, this type of “scene” could last weeks. He never knows. Sometimes, I don’t even know until the moment comes.

Last week, he “suffered” for three more days of edging (a total of 18 days), before I finally allowed him to orgasm onto my feet (and eat it up). Then I gave him 10 minutes to recover and then it was a night of massage and service – right back “on the horse” – no slacking off, just because the desperation is gone.

This is our life together. We both couldn’t be happier. I’m glad to share a little episode!

Why Men Love To Watch Women Masturbate

October 13, 2021 By Kate Miller 2 Comments

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Why Men Love to Watch Women Masturbate

When in the mood for love, men are believed to focus on themselves. However, there are those – and they are not few in number – who care about things beyond getting into your pants immediately. There are all kinds of men. Some love to watch women touch themselves, others feel unessential and even unwanted when they do it. These men tend to be insecure. They feel an overwhelming burden of responsibility to be the only source of the woman’s pleasure and feel like failures if and when they aren’t.

Of those that like watching, the reasons for their interest are more complex than you might think.

1. An affirmation of you as a sexual being

To some men, the fact that women are sexual beings with sexual desires not unlike theirs comes as a nice surprise. If your partner tells you he wants to watch you masturbate, it’s very sex positive. Letting him watch you explore your needs and bring yourself to orgasm can be incredibly arousing for both of you. It’s hard to argue against the positivity of it all.

2. It’s Educational

Most women come by fingering themselves and many men don’t know that. Porn doesn’t help either. Men can learn new and exciting ways to touch you by watching you play with yourself. Your partner should be someone that cares about your pleasure. He should learn how to push you over the edge into orgasm or how to achieve it more quickly and he can do that by watching you.

3. It’s really arousing

Men are highly visual and watching women masturbate can be a great form of foreplay for them. Having a real living and breathing woman naked in front of you, moaning and orgasming, is much better than porn. Men are very aroused when they watch you pleasuring yourself.

4. It’s Still Taboo

Believe it, in some parts of the world at least, women masturbating is still seen as taboo. We’re turned on by naughty things. When you have a man watch, you’re asking him to take part apart from doing something taboo.

5. It’s as Intimate as it Gets

When you invite him to watch you, masturbation becomes a form of communication. You’re showing him that’s something you enjoy, you’re trusting him, and you’re willing to feel vulnerable just to share it with him.

On Watching and Voyeurism

There are some men who are absolutely crazy about watching women masturbate. They’re called voyeurs. Voyeurism is where you experience arousal by watching people engaging in sexual activities or naked people. Usually, the biggest pleasure comes from watching others, because we get most of our sensory information from the eyes. In addition, voyeurs are turned on by listening to other people’s sexual experiences or hearing people in the act.

Voyeurism is an extremely common fetish and nothing to be ashamed of in most cases. Almost everyone in the world watches porn and one could argue that pleasure is voyeuristic in nature.

Why is It a Fetish?

Different people are turned on by different things, so it really depends on what you like and want to do. Voyeurism is an unconventional way of experiencing sex. You’re seeing what gives someone pleasure, the position, when they moan the loudest, when and how they orgasm.

When is Voyeurism not OK?

It’s not ok if the person doesn’t know you’re watching them, obviously. It’s also not acceptable when the person has made it clear she doesn’t want to be watched. You shouldn’t insist if that’s the case.

Myths and Misconceptions Surrounding Female Masturbation

Quite a few myths surround this pleasurable pastime. We present some of the most common ones. We’ll start with misconceptions surrounding sex toys.

Some men think we keep the toys we use to masturbate in something like a treasure chest. That we pick them with painstaking care. In most cases, they’re propped up against the window, and we tend to have a current favorite, so we don’t do much choosing. What they don’t suspect is that the girl’s toy of choice might be quite unusual, like a double ended dildo. Some heterosexual couples use them together. Want to know more? Check out the double ended ones from this website.

Then, guys think girls do something to get “in the mood.” They listen to sexy music first or engage in another kind of preparation. In fact, men and women are very similar in this. It’s something you just do if you have a few extra minutes.

Finally, guys think girls take all of their clothes off to masturbate. Again, we are more like guys than they imagine.

How to Make It as Good as Possible

Finally, a tip from us: if you’re going to masturbate in front of your partner, don’t be afraid to moan and show them just how much you’re loving it. Touch your nipples, stroke your breasts, and tell him not to touch you or himself until you’ve come. He could penetrate you as soon as you have.

Discovering New Kinks Through Tantric Massage

October 7, 2021 By Rose 2 Comments

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There are many physical and psychological aspects of kinks that many wait years to discover. Exploring your boundaries safely and consensually is of the utmost importance. However, finding someone open and willing to engage in excitingly erotic activities isn’t easy.

This is where tantric massage has much to offer. So what is it, how can it be used to discover new kinks, and should you try it?

What Is Tantric Massage?

The art of Tantra is centuries old. Ancient civilisations have used Tantra as a form of physical and spiritual healing, and it quickly gained a resurgence in popularity throughout the 1960s on the wave of sexual liberation. An indulgent massage makes for excellent foreplay, but tantric massage’s additional yogic and meditative qualities are excellent for exploring the body, mind and soul. So how does this relate to kinks?

Can Tantric Massage Help You Discover New Kinks?

There are numerous ways tantric massage can open you to a world of pleasurable possibilities that are just waiting to be discovered.

Creating a Safe, Consensual Environment

Expertly trained massage therapists who are well-versed in the tantric arts are masters at creating a safe space where you can openly express your sexuality. While you might keep your wildest desires to yourself most of the time, you’ll find incredible liberation in sharing your most adventurous thoughts without judgement.

Helping You Explore Your Body

Kinks don’t often provide a direct route to sexual gratification, they’re much more nuanced than overt sexual acts. Taking the time to discover erogenous zones of the body can develop your understanding of the body. You’ll learn more about the places you like to be touched, how you like to be touched and the kind of stimulation that different types of touch can provide.

Tapping into Your Deepest Desires

In place of judgement-free enjoyment, new sensations can unlock your deepest desires for gratification. From a BDSM perspective, massage works both ways, either as a form of domination — where the masseuse or masseur is in total control of the activity — or, as submission — where the masseuse or masseur is responsible for pleasuring the dominant party through touch. In any case, you’ll be able to experiment with your partner, engaging in both roles to learn what you like most.

Opening Your Mind to New Forms of Pleasure

Being pampered and pleased is highly erotic and provides a direct route to satisfaction. For many, being tantalised and teased is equally enthralling. As you learn more about what you like, you’ll discover more things you enjoy.

The Most Common Kinks Associated with Tantric Massage

Tantric massage is great for BDSM beginners or those looking to discover new kinks. A huge number of opportunities for different kinks emerge from engaging in a professional, authentic tantric massage. Some of the most common kinks to emerge are:

Orgasm Control — You can discover denying, ruining, extending or postponing orgasms through the variation of touch with an expert tantric masseuse or masseur. It relies on maintaining a high level of sexual arousal before, during or after a climax, sometimes achieved through techniques like edging.
Domination/Subordination — Through massage, domination and subordination are a dynamic that can emerge between two people. One person takes on the dominant role as the leader or enforcer of the activity, while the other — the subordinate party — assumes more of a pleaser or servant role.
Voyeurism — If you’re part of a couple, you can experience a tantric as a voyeur, watching your partner be massaged, reverse the roles and allow your partner to watch you enjoy the rapturous pleasure provided by the masseuse or masseur.
Feet Fetishes — The magic of the tantric touch can inspire all kinds of new, wondrous pleasures. There is an abundance of nerve endings in the feet, which makes a foot fetish one to explore through massage.
Lingerie — When adorned by your partner or a masseuse, the lacy fabric of lingerie can get your heart racing. It can start a new kink for you as it indicates powerful erotic intent.
Role Play — This can be linked to dom/sub relationships, but it can also be unrelated. You can enjoy enacting a fictitious scene with your partner, masseuse or masseur.

Whatever your reasons for trying tantric massage, you should approach the activity with an open mind. You’re bound to discover something you enjoy!

Should You Try a Tantric Massage?

Whether you’re at the beginning of your sexual exploration journey or looking for something that will add a new, highly erotic dimension to your sexual escapades, trying a tantric massage with a professional is highly recommended. This way, you’ll learn more about the practice’s physical, mental and spiritual aspects enabling you to find more exciting and daring delights to try in the future.

Rose Colette Aston is a highly experienced tantric practitioner and holistic massage therapist. Drawing on her years of experience and training, she writes informative articles on a wide range of topics related to Tantra, massage, and other holistic well-being practices.

5 Things a Love of BDSM Says about Your Relationship

September 29, 2021 By Davis 2 Comments

BDSM is slowly gaining popularity, both among the young and old. But did you know that BDSM sex preferences speak volumes concerning your relationship? Check this out.

Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism, & Masochism.

Couples are getting kinkier in 2021 and exploring sex preferences that would be considered taboo back in the good old days. We’ve covered so much about BDSM in other articles, but it appears as though we need a little bit more social proof.

A lot of couples fear getting their hands on BDSM. Some even dread the thought of breaching such a topic with their lovers. That says a lot about the kind of communication you have with your partner. For a long time, scientists and researchers have viewed BDSM participants as pathological, perverts, or abused victims who lack control. But that could not be further from the truth. Research now shows plenty of benefits of BDSM sex preferences as well as an increase in the practices. Moreover, those who engage appear to have their lives ‘in order’ and are not ‘disturbed.’

If anything, more husbands are willing to lose control of their wives and submit to each other’s desires. Indeed, more people are developing a keen interest in BDSM sex preferences, especially after popularizing Fifty Shades of Grey.

But wait, there is more. After consulting sex therapists and relationship experts from the best online dating sites, we found plenty of benefits to the health of your budding relationship. Here are a couple of expert thoughts on what different sex preferences say about you and your lover.

Buckle up; it’s about to get real bumpy.

1. Kinky Sex Preferences Portray Higher Levels of EQ

You’ll need a competitive level of IQ to survive in the marketplace. However, you may need all the EQ you can amass to keep your relationship going. Higher levels of emotional intelligence put you in a better position to handle other people’s frustrations better. BDSM sex preferences in relationships denote a ton of maturity in handling your relations.

2. The Audacity to Explore

Marriage counselors often have to deal with this issue – “she is not attractive anymore,” or “he does not satisfy me as he used to.”

Familiarity has a way of breeding contempt even among the closest of lovers. Routine becomes boring since it brings familiarity. Some couples explore sex preferences based on zodiac signs, while others try something different each week. BDSM shows you’re bold enough to explore the bounds of your horizon. Remember the basic rules if you’re new to BDSM sex preferences.

3. Open Channels of Communication

BDSM is all about losing one’s self to another. It entails submission and domination, all of which are hard elements in day-to-day life. We always want to control everything, from our finances to our health, family, social lives, and everything. Losing control becomes a new feeling for a lot of couples. Communicating that and going the extra mile to set boundaries is even more challenging. But partners who have gone the extra mile often find it easier to resolve other difficulties in their relationships once they explore unconventional sex preferences.

4. You Don’t Give a Darn What Others Say

Your sex preferences speak volumes about how you relate with your spouse and how you connect with the outside world. More conservative people are less likely to explore untypical sex preferences for fear of society’s perception. But such worries are rational at times.

Sex in ancient times was used ritualistically in most religions. We can get hints of how the ancients prized and valued sex from written scripts such as Kamasutra. The Ancient Greek culture probably borrowed BDSM sex practices from the Eastern Mesopotamian Empire. Mesopotamians embraced BDSM and temple sex with goddess Inanna as their justification. They believed such techniques would invoke the goddess of fertility and rebirth. These sex preferences would be followed by sacrificial worship and indulgence in orgies.

In the 21^stсentury, we still practice the same sex preferences more openly, but without the typical ritualistic sacrifices. From that short history, anything deviating from the vanilla couples type of sex has been viewed as ‘odd’ and, at times, a perversion.

Going outside the traditional view of sex preferences portrays boldness and a profound level of intimacy not defined by ‘others.’

That makes us curious, what are your sex preferences? Do let us know in the comment section below.

5. You are Fond of Creativity

Open-mindedness is a fundamental feature for most BDSM couples. Vanilla couples who explore BDSM sex preferences are generally creative. They invent new ways of doing things and get bored with repetition. BDSM can be pretty intimidating to a partner who is content with the usual. That’s why it’s imperative to understand just how much both of you are willing to do in the name of ‘creativity.’

Concluding Remarks

BDSM is more or less similar to saying, “I do!” This kind of consent requires deliberate premeditation about the risks and the intensity of BDSM. You may enjoy a little bit of pain, but that may be a turn-off to your partner. Have genuine communications upfront and research the limits of these sex preferences. We recommend that couples develop a sex preferences questionnaire to understand each other’s fantasies better.

That said, are you ready to experiment outside reality with BDSM sexual preferences?

Davis is a marriage and family therapist. She has worked in a variety of therapeutic settings over the past 7 years providing services to children, adults, families, and couples. She is currently doing specific research on the topic. Miranda loves traveling and hiking.

Fantasy vs. Reality-Heavy and Experimental Play

September 23, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

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YIPEEEE!!!!! We made it into the room where all the fun stuff begins and there is SO MUCH OF IT!!!!!

I get it, I was there too once upon a time. The possibilities SEEM endless and for most folks imaginations, they are. Emphasis on imagination. It is fun to think of all the kinky scenes we can design or be a part of. Why not stretch our imagination? I do for sure!

Imagination, fantasy, is not a problem. It spurs us to be more creative, think of new and exciting ways to turn each other into pretzels, and is just plain HAWT!

Where the issues begin is not matching our fantasies, with reality. Or more accurately not being able to distinguish between the two. Some people want to implement play that would be highly dangerous even for the most experienced players. I believe this comes mostly from a place of naivete. Where they have not learned enough to even ask the right questions yet……. and/or perhaps a bit of frenzy mixed in. Yes, frenzy happens to tops also. Then there are the nutters like me.

Whatever category you fall into, dreams have their place, but they can also be dangerous if taken too far. How do we distinguish between those fantasies and reality? A cool idea vs. an actionable scene.

The First Stop Sign

Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) has been part of kink culture since the 80’s, Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) the 90’s, and more recently Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink (PRICK…. No not that one…. eyes front).

Consent, being the commonality in all three.

We may have this amazing idea for a new predicament bondage rig using a wagon wheel and a charged firehose; a suspension involving two bull elephants and an East Indian Mahout; or better yet melting overhead blocks of ice containing daggers that drip icy cold droplets on our slave in between the thunks of many Gerber Mark IIs burying themselves in the plywood beside them one after another as the warm breeze from my heat gun melts it all away. None of that matters if someone is not willing to say yes.

We can dream all we like, but if multiple people are saying no, and even hell no; perhaps our image of using 300-pound sheets of sugar glass to sandwich our submissive over an ant hill may not be such a brilliant idea. (I originally wrote “hot” instead of brilliant, but the hot sun is part of the scene so…. yeah there’s that.)

One last note on consent and heavy/experimental play. If the particular scene is going to happen in a place we do not personally own, we should run it by the owners of the venue first. There is not much worse than the fantasy finally coming to fruition and having a giant pile of, “NOPE!,” dropped on it by a DM or the owners themselves mid-scene. Get their consent and rig your play area accordingly to prevent interruptions.

The Second Stop Sign

Feasible. Has what we want to attempt been done before and by whom? (I saw Cirque De Soleil do it!)

What skills does it take to pull it off?

Sure, as evidenced above I can come up with some off-the-wall shenanigans. If I have not developed the associated skills to do it reasonably safely then attempting the feat would be pointless. Like racing the 24 Hours at Le Mans in a Prius. Of course, what is within reason for one person, will not be the same for someone else.

I know most of what we do is not “safe,” really, I do. But having the skills to do what we are conjuring up, matters if we are planning on attempting it. Especially when it comes to preventing bad things from happening, and everybody having a good time.

I am not a fan of seriously damaging people or prison, and hopefully you are not either. So winging it….probably not a good plan.

Yet Another Red Octagon bearing, “ALTO!”

Risks involving heavy/experimental play. What are they and can we mitigate them? If something does go badly, we want the negative impact to be as minimal as possible to all involved.

How can we alter our idea or put protective measures in place to lessen risks? Often that comes down to our creativity and getting help. Other folks in kink can help us identify what we need to do in order to create a better outcome. USE THEM! I do. If I come up with some crazy hairbrained scheme one of the first things I do is run it by someone else. They tell me I’m nuts and to go fuck myself….. then we have a lengthy conversation involving a lot of what ifs.

For the risks involved, do I have the skill to respond to the corresponding injuries or issues that may arise? Can I learn them? If not is there someone who can be present who does? We do not always have to be the person who knows and can do everything. However, where we have gaps, it helps to have people present who know the things we do not.

Once you’ve assessed the risks, and talked them over with your bottom, there needs to be a real gut check for all involved. Ask the question, “Is it worth the risk?” If both of you say yes, then so be it. If one of you hesitates or says no….. it’s probably time to go back to the drawing board. (I find crayons helpful…. the colors keep things organized. And besides, who doesn’t like crayons?)

The Consequences

After all the planning, risk mitigation, negotiations, and discussions we must come to terms with the potential consequences. What are they and can we live with them if it does not go as planned?

Not always an easy question to answer but really, this part is no more complicated than that.

Answer the question honestly. It does no good to lie to ourselves.

Ways to Help Make our Outrageous Fantasies….Kinda Sorta Come True

Get Help – Aside from having the skill, a willing and knowledgeable bottom, and measures in place, one of the best resources we have for carrying out a new-fangled adventure is another well experienced top or bottom. Someone to help us plan and evaluate; a person who can be in the room/venue who is keeping tabs on our bottom, us, and the situation as a whole; a sounding board to help keep us in check. When we do new things which are risky (well riskier than our normal), we often cannot see the forest because of the trees. Having that additional set of eyes becomes invaluable.

Break it Down- If the whole of the idea does not work together, perhaps pieces and parts can work separately until we are confident enough to launch the whole rocket at once. Even NASA experiments in stages, one piece at a time. Practicing and becoming proficient in one element, then adding another gives us a methodical way to build skill and confidence. It may take a lot longer to get to the final goal, but chances are you will be more successful.

Change it Up- What if I changed my dagger scenario from real ones to fake ones? Or used a blindfold and replaced the ice blocks with daggers my bottom observed being suspended with blocks containing golf ball sized rocks? We may not be able to do something exactly how we dreamt, but we can modify the thought into something more manageable. Let those creative juices out not just thinking of a new torture, but also solving the pending problems accompanying it.

Slight of Hand- Simulation, slight of hand, or any manner of tom foolery can help us get the effect we desire without doing exactly what we concocted whilst counting sheep and drooling on a pillow. We can set a scene one way, put a blind fold on our bottom and remove or modify the most dangerous elements. The fear/anticipation peak will likely still linger, even though we have mitigated some of the actual danger. (pssst….. mobile platforms, turn tables, and rotating walls are great for this….set two scenes one hidden and one not…. Then move your bottom accordingly 😊)

Just Dream- Some things, no matter how much we wish it, simply should not happen. That does not mean it’s gone forever; we can still talk about it. Maybe weave the fantasy into a hot dialogue during another activity to get our bottom all revved up. Tease them with the thought of it in the middle of the day via a text from work. Turn it into a hot erotic story the two of you take turns writing in a journal. Who knows, maybe they will help you game out something just as fun…. But much more doable.

To Dream the Impossible Dream

Dreams are not stupid. They are budding possibilities and have driven some of the most amazing advances mankind has ever seen. Sometimes though, they should stay where they were born, in our heads. Like the Hindenburg or Return of the Living Dead Part II. (No, you horror movie freaks….it really was that bad!)

Sometimes we just need to think about our dreams differently, like using Helium instead of Hydrogen. You were flexibly minded enough to come up with the original idea…. Keep thinking, all may not be lost.

Through all of it remember we need to consider consent, feasibility, skill, resources, risks, and the consequences. Really think things through. We want this to be a phenomenal experience which will not happen if one of our elephants walks away for want of a wrangler or we drop a wagon wheel on a bare foot.

Taking a long time to plan something may take the wind out of our sails sometimes. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. If it’s that hard to pull off, we probably are not ready for it, yet. Break out the crayons.

Like everything else we do in kink, there is a balance point where things just work. Maybe we’ll find it, maybe we won’t. But for certain we will learn something along the way while scheming out our latest kinky brain bonanza.

Keep dreaming……. Our wild ideas have a place in kink too.

On Being A Man In The Kink Scene

September 16, 2021 By SafferMaster 2 Comments

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My sister died recently and one of my children said in response…”she lived well”…which I found an odd reaction considering that she had spent many years in seclusion fighting depression, had not been able to maintain employment, and had otherwise swindled people out of money to survive. I found his remark, well, odd.

Even so, his note that “she lived will” had me look at my own life from the point of view “lived well” and to make an assessment of what that expression implies for my experience of being alive.

As a boy, I was not particularly aware of myself. I fantasized a lot about life because I spent a lot of time reading books, many more adult than probably made sense for a kid to read. So, I spent a lot of my youth in fantasy. I masturbated furiously. I grew up without TV, skin magazines like Playboy and Penthouse, were banned, and so much of my fantasy reflected the adult books I read.

As a teenager, I became aware of my athletic prowess, and excelled at all sports. I played soccer, rugby, cricket, tennis, squash, field hockey, and did track and field. I also swam and dived. I had great balance, and body control and good hand-eye and foot-eye coordination and I had a high IQ for sports. I was just not a very big fella, so I ended up growing into a competitive gymnast that competed at the very highest level thorough high school, and I played soccer at a high level too. In class, I was the “funny guy”. I drove teachers crazy. I became aware that girls found me sexually attractive. When I was 16, I spent time in Berlin and hung out in sex shops. I brought home a very kinky German kink magazine that had scenes in it with bondage, discipline, incest, anal, piss play, and more. My masturbation fantasies changed almost immediately.

I dated girls from about age 13, although it was all very innocent until I was about 17 or 16, when Pam, this voluptuous sexy vixen, the high school prom queen, took me into a room at a party one night and said “I have been waiting to get you alone” and then she pushed me onto a bed and to my delight, she sucked my cock.

The girls came fast and furious after that. I fucked as if I was the last man on earth. And I was not at all aware of my manhood. If she was willing, I fucked her.

When I met, dated and then married my wife between 5 and 8 years later, I was mostly aware of the expectations of family and society. Get married, hold down a job, have children etc., and I can now say with certainty, that I was completely unaware of myself as a man. Sex was largely fetish free. She was the preacher’s kid after all.

I first became aware of my sexual masculinity about 10 years later, at age 38, This occurred in part because while raising children, my wife simply refused me her body. Once she stopped nursing, she persisted in her refusal. There I was, providing for her and my children and she simply turned off our sexual connection along with the associated loss of intimacy and relatedness. the next few years were hard. Sex is my love language.

I had not signed up for this, so I asked for a divorce. We set about starting that process and realized that it would be quite complicated. We agreed not to pursue it, and to have a slightly open relationship…a don’t ask don’t tell policy. It was not workable. I was miserable. I called a lawyer.

My first real moment of clarity occurred when about 6 years into our estrangement, even as I was still working on terms of a divorce, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and begged me to “stay and to make it go away”. I remember, I was speaking to my attorney on the phone, and she called on the other line and asked to speak to me urgently. I hung up to take her call. She was hysterical and said, tearfully, “you can’t leave now”. She asked for me help. I agreed. I set to one side my differences with her while we set about managing and treating her illness.

During the next 8 to 10 years or so, I learned more about my masculinity as I encountered women who made themselves sexually available to me and who enjoyed my fetishes. On a gradient I learned more about the full spectrum of my kink. I also discovered that when submissive women are self-expressed,

they are more connected to their primal selves and more authentic than I was able to deal with at first. I needed time to understand the sexual power I seemed to naturally exude.

When I finally got divorced, I was lucky to meet several self-expressed submissive women who pushed me to explore the darkest parts of my nature and who gave me access to the full spectrum of kink, and a glimpse into the true power of a D/s dynamic. It was a bit of a surprise to find so many women eager to submit. I had no idea. In many ways I was living a sheltered life till then. I learned a lot about my desires by taking on different Dom personas. I found myself a solid disciplinarian, a sadist who enjoyed wielding the cane and the flogger. I found chains appealing. I found I enjoyed acts of humiliation including water sports. I discovered I liked the excitement of kink. Tying up and fucking women was more appealing than I realized. I also came to recognize newly that for me, sex is indeed my love language, and I was determined to find a woman who was both horny and an obedient submissive masochist. Even with access to the full spectrum of kink, I was still empty inside. I wanted, in fact needed the intimacy of a loving relationship in addition to the kink. In addition to a through the roof sex drive to match my own she needed be comfortable in her body, and also searching for more than kink and sex. I craved kinky sex for sure, but mostly I craved the intimacy that leads to a meaningful loving relationship, and I was convinced that I needed to partner with a likeminded submissive.

I began to truly discover my masculinity and unlock the power that the D/s dynamic allows as possible. The deeply naturally dominant male inside me longed for and needed the power of a loving and willing slut with whom I could accomplished the impossible. I intended to experience my own masculinity more acutely while she herself realized her own femininity as a corollary. I wanted a partner who would jump into the rabbit hole with me, hand in hand. It occurred to me that as much as I needed to be a sadistic Dom, I needed a submissive slut who herself needed to explore her own masochistic tendencies. We cannot exist at all without each other, and I set out to find her. That much was clear. As I searched for her, luckily, I found her searching for me. Our good fortune is that we are completely aligned. It’s perfect. We are deeply connected and aligned in every aspect of our kink and more. We have been exploring our 24/7 TPE D/s dynamic, stretching each other and growing ourselves. It’s been amazing.

It’s only now, 3 years in, as the Dominant partner in a Total Power Exchange with Lady Petra that I truly have access to the deeply dominant masculine nature of my authentic self. What I thought was dominance has changed completely inside that exchange. I am responsible for her sexuality and her wellbeing and the impact of that has caused me to use her often and hard every single day, while at the same time, ensuring that she is deeply fulfilled in her own sexual self-expression. Or as she puts it, I “use her up”. There is more intimacy than I thought possible. I have learned how to be vulnerable. I have learned how to meter my power, and how to enroll her in her submission. There is much that has come out of our dynamic, including collaring her that itself has led to such amazing blistering hot sex that I am filled with desire for her on a daily basis. She is my muse. She is the loving object of my poetry. With her I am fulfilled as a man like never before. I am also deeply in touch with my primal sexuality. This is new for me and has only been true for me when I am with her and in the throes of our mutual ecstasy that we find each other most appealing, and the sex so satisfying.

She has given me the very best gift a man can have. My manhood. My masculinity. I am deeply grateful to have enjoyed this chapter of my life so far. I can say now, finally, that “I have lived well” too.

**Note, this is a personal exploration and not meant to be a commentary on masculinity in general (the author).

Bastinado or Caning The Soles of The Feet

September 9, 2021 By SafferMaster 2 Comments

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bas·ti·na·do

/ˌbastəˈnādō,ˌbastəˈnädō/

HISTORICAL

noun

a form of punishment or torture that involves caning the soles of someone’s feet.

verb

punish or torture (someone) by caning the soles of the feet.

“the prisoners were bastinadoed frequently in his presence”

The German term is Bastonade, deriving from the Italian noun bastonata (stroke with the use of a stick). In former times it was also referred to as Sohlenstreich (corr. striking the soles). The Chinese term is dǎ jiǎoxīn (打脚心 / 打腳心).

The point is that Bastinado has been practices as a form of punishment for a very long time. In kink, on the other hand, as separate from a hard caning by a Dominant for the reason of punishment, Bastinado can be thought of as a day for the feet to go to the spa. A good place to start with the feet are the acupressure charts that illustrate the way the sole of foot relates to the rest of the body’s organs. Keep in mind as you work on feet that there is a variance between left and right foot and there is also a variance between people. With that in mind, viewing more than one chart is a good idea so that you are familiar with the variances.

Another idea is to familiarize yourself with foot anatomy. Not necessarily to the degree that you can talk anatomy with an expert, but to be aware of the bones of the foot and how thick or thin they are and also so that you understand at least in a limited way, what the musculature of the foot looks like.

So how does one approach a Bastinado scene with one’s submissive/bottom to have them drooling with pleasure?

First create the ambiance. Dark room, soft instrumental music, a comfortable table, and a range of tools.

It’s nice to begin with your new knowledge of foot anatomy, a foot massage with a light oil that they are not allergic to is a great way to begin. Another way to warm the foot up is to do a wax scene with the feet, but that is not necessary, only nice.

The thing to keep in mind is that compared to the muscle mass in the arm, the muscle mass in the foot is minute. The bones are little and it’s important to mitigate against the possibility of causing serious injury. This is not a torture or even meant to be a punishment. Bastinado is a way to “pay back” the submissive with a day at the foot spa. It’s good advice to do a butt spanking first to warm up the “root chakra” before going on to the feet. When you do transition to the feet, make sure to use a thick thuddy short cane at first to warm up to foot evenly.

It’s a very good idea for Bastinado to use a shortened cane, which is much easier to control. Work the strokes up and down the foot to warm the sole of the foot evenly.

Caning the foot is not the sort of stroke you use to mark a bottom. It’s a foreshortened swing with a shortened cane, the stroke should be no more than an inch or two at most to begin with. To manage this, it’s best to use a short cane (shorty) with very small partial strokes at first. One way to test how hard you can strike the foot is for the Dominant to first use the cane on his or her own foot first to see both where and how hard to strike the foot in a manner that enhances the experience. It’s also not a bad idea to compare what you are feeling to the reflexology charts as you do so. Then have the bottom do the same and let them tell you how hard to hit. Do this with a shorty. A short cane generates less force than a longer cane, especially with partial strokes. Even so, remember that your foot is not the bottom’s foot. My feet are thick and meaty, my bottom’s feet are thin and boney, so I have to think about her foot with the reality of the difference between her foot and mine, in mind. Every foot is different.

As with all kinks, especially as you get started with Bastinado, it’s a very good idea for the bottom to turn the volume up on their thoughts. The top cannot guess what the bottom is feeling and there needs to be a very useful way to share the experience out loud. One way is for the bottom to share from the out of 1-10 scale as in: “1, 2 or 3” is light and easily tolerated, “4, 5 and 6” is just right and “7” is too much and “8, 9 and 10” are all out of bounds. The top should listen to the number the bottom is sharing so that they can match the intensity of the stroke to the tolerance.

It’s good to work on one foot at a time so that you as the top can approach each foot from a similar side. I prefer to stand on the outside of the leg so that my stroke falls (ideally) in the arch and along the pads of the foot with great toe pad getting the most attention.

If you are someone who has trouble targeting the strokes accurately, you might try putting a short cane between the toes to act as a guide and that way you can get full coverage of the foot as you move the target toward the heel. Just remember that tapping the cane, bouncing the cane on the foot with a light grip as is the bounce back stroke. At most a 2” swing to a 10” swing with no full force swings of the cane are necessary for a good session. Remember, it’s a day at the foot spa for the bottom.

Think of Bastinado as a way to pay the bottom back for all the time, effort and energy that they have given you as the Top.

You can also use a tuning fork or a waxing or a massage and all of the above to make this an amazing Bastinado experience. Start light, have fun, go slow and enjoy this fetish.

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.

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