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Bottoms – Do You Have Your Own Play Kit?

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As a top, I have always liked it when a bottom could hold out a back pack and say “You can use anything in here.” Whether or not I do depends on what’s in the bag, of course. 

If it’s a needle kit or rope, I won’t be using any of it. Not interested. If it’s a Tens unit, I might. I’ve used one of those on myself, for my bad back. 

Butt plugs won’t be used. I don’t put things in anyone’s ass. He can, however, go to the bathroom and slip it in himself. My cane may find the end of it for a number of smacks.

It is a commonly accepted thing. The top will buy the toys, have the toys, care for the toys, etc. Yes, I have quite the collection of things I personally enjoy using on other people. They are never used on me. They can be cleaned. Poppers are given to the person they were used on. But my kit is limited to what I am capable of carrying that day.

That sounds silly, I’m sure; but I live in NYC. I have to carry my kit up four flights of stairs just to begin to get to an event. Then there are another two to four sets of stairs to get out of the station when I arrive.

If I can keep my kit fairly light, bringing only three or four things, and can count on a bottom bringing his own fun things that are specific to him, together we have expanded our play repertoire without either of us relying entirely on the other.

I don’t have nipple clamps, unless you count clothespins or those very nasty clamps with bells (fishing line bell bobbin). I don’t have weights. 

Until recently, I didn’t have wartenberg wheels. I did, however, know a bottom who brought them nearly every time he came to an event I was attending. Through using them on him, I decided to buy my own pair. I’m rather looking forward to meeting up with him again, and using both pairs at the same time. Mine in one hand and his in the other should make for a terrific scene.

I know bottoms who bring their own leg spreader; their own ankle/wrist cuffs, their own penis ropes. Things not used on other people. In this time of plague, having a kit of things to be used solely on yourself is an important investment. You don’t know how clean anyone keeps their kit. You don’t go home with them all to see what they do with their toys after the party. You don’t know how many people have already had it used on them at the party you’re attending. You can’t know.

Protect yourself. You know where your items have been. You know how they were cleaned because you did it yourself.

I used the word “investment”. Some things can be costly. It’s best to build your kit up over time. Keep in mind that a smallish woman may have a hard time handling a monster flogger. Find a more medium sized flogger that is easier to deal with but still gives the impact you want. Canes are easy and can be reasonably priced. There are numerous sellers all over Fetlife, Etsy, Ebay, Amazon. Ban-sticks, in Fetlife, is my favorite. I’ve bought four sets from her, I think. Three sets in different lengths for myself and one set as a present for my former husband.

Clothespins can be thrown away after use if you want. They’re not expensive unless you’ve put in the work and time to dye them.

Raid the kitchen for the wooden spoons or go to the dollar store and buy an inexpensive pack. You can wash and keep them to use again or discard after use. I know people who love the meat tenderizing mallet as well.

Rope. It’s easy enough to put in a pillow case and then into the washer. Cotton line can be put into the dryer. If you’re not doing suspension, cotton clothesline is fine. Don’t let anyone be snobby at you about it.

My point here is to not depend on the top to provide all the toys. 

Plague or not, every bottom should have their own play kit full of fun things they like used on them.

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She’s been doing this BDSM stuff for over 30 years in private and more than 10 years in public venues. 

She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over twenty five fiction books that you can find on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can find more of her work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/
FB Regular page —  https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseAuthor

She enjoys crochet, coffee, and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

10 Things Emotionally Immature Chicks Want From Unsuspecting Dudes They Sink Their Hooks Into

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emotionally immature chick
emotionally immature chick

I wrote this piece as a satire after reading the original list. The first part of each is the original requirement. My additions are bolded.

1. Please touch us
Cuddle us, spoon us, grab the small of our backs. Kiss our foreheads and make us feel small. We crave your hands all over us. We love them no matter where they happen to land—be that on our asses or up our skirts. 
Just. Touch. Us. 
Because if you don’t, we will turn into a whining, crying, harpy from hell silently shrieking and screaming inside our heads while envisioning scratching your eyes out!

2. Take pride in us
Relish in the fact that we’re yours—that we belong to you and no one else. Smile when we enter the room because you know we’re walking toward you. 
Because if you don’t, we’ll announce to the entire room full of people what an ass you are that you can’t even SMILE AT US when you see us, 
you fucking jackass

3. Let us cry
When we are sad or angry, or pissed the hell off. When we drink too much…especially when we drink too much, let us cry our eyes out. Let us be messes, with mascara running down our cheeks and pints of ice cream in our hands. Let us be okay with not being okay once in a while. 
This one requires no action from you, just that you be okay with it when it happens. 
HAHAHA
No, it totally requires action from you. You have to attempt everything humanly possible to tell us it’s okay and everything will be fine, and wait on us hand and foot for the rest of the day.

4. Forgive
Despite how hard we try, we will make mistakes. We will fuck things up, say things wrong, do things crazy, and when that happens we need you to forgive us. We’re not talking immediate forgiveness, or that a price won’t often be paid for it, but forgiveness that comes eventually. We need to know that the slate has been wiped clean, all trespasses have been forgiven…and when it happens, don’t forget to let us know. See number 5.
You must forgive us…but we will NEVER forgive you!
This is going to be such a fucking double standard that you will never know if you’re coming or going. I will expect you to completely forget the smallest thing I’ve ever done wrong. I, however, will never forget a fucking thing for the rest of your life. I will bring it up to throw in your face and make you feel guilty when you least expect it!

5. Communicate… often!
We need this.. If we don’t discuss something, it will fester in our brains forever, eventually driving us crazy. A three minute conversation could ease hours of worry for us once an uneasy feeling sets in. If that can be prevented with a few sentences, please take the time to speak them. Honestly, like two seconds of your time could stop our heads from exploding….and you don’t want to clean up that mess, do you?
You reeeeeallly don’t want to have to clean up that mess.
DO YOU?!?!
(eye twitching, maniacal expression that will haunt your dreams until you die)

6. We want you to make us feel pretty
Not that you don’t make us feel super sexy pretty darn often, but once in a while, it’s good to actually hear. Tell us our ass looks great in our yoga pants, that our hair looks especially shiny today. Tell us you like our new boots. Notice something small and compliment us about it, and our hearts will swell for days. Compliments let us know what it’s like to look through your eyes. Those are glimpses of the world we don’t often get to see.
TELL ME I’M PRETTY, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!
You wouldn’t want me to misplace something of yours, would you? 
Like your balls? (which I’ll be keeping in a jar, in a location you will never know)

7. It’s the little things
Some of these are sounding cliche, but are just so fucking true. Sure, your big gestures of grandeur are admired, but it is often the small things that get our cheeks turning red. Leave a note on the mirror in the morning telling us to have a great day. Sit next to us during a movie you have no desire to see. Take the dog out in the morning so we can sleep in for an extra 10 minutes, remember what ice cream we prefer to eat when we cry. If you do these things, we’re yours for life.
Just you fucking take that god damn dog out and pick up its crap when it shits.
I will make you do every single fucking thing that you hate for the rest of your life. You thought you were dominant in this relationship?
HAHAHAHA!!!
I’m the boss and don’t you fucking forget it.

8. Remember things
Speaking of little things, try to remember them. Things like how we take our coffee and the name of that bitchy girl who sits next to us at work. Remember anything. Three weeks from now, bust out some silly story we told you over dinner one evening in great detail. Remember something we’d never expect you to store into your internal drive. Remember our first concert together, and our best friend from kindergarten’s name. The more obscure the better.
You better remember fucking everything.
If you don’t, I will hold it over your head for the rest of your life. I will bring it up when you least expect it. Over and over and over again. Even when you do remember, I will remind you of all the times that you forgot. You will never be allowed to forget that you forgot.

9. Deal with us
When we’re singing in the car. When we drink too much wine. When we completely melt down. Deal with our pasts, and when we don’t feel pretty. Deal with our stretch marks and insecurities, our early bedtimes and exhaustion. Deal with our mood, and how we load the dishwasher the wrong way. These things silently tell us that you’ll be by our sides regardless of how nerdy, silly or utterly hopeless we can get.
JUST FUCKING DEAL!!!
I’m going to be a complete fucking mess from start to finish. If you ever break up with me, I will blog endlessly about what an asshole you were. You will never be free of me.
NEVER, DO YOU HEAR ME!

10. Be the most stable thing in our lives
Be stronger than us. Be the one person in our world that won’t turn on us or walk away. When life becomes scary and confusing, and we just need something solid to hold onto, please be our anchor. It’s because of you that our awful days are easier to get through. Don’t be perfect. Just be there. It’s the only real requirement on this list.
Just BE There
Because I’m never going to let you go anywhere without me ever again. Never in your life.
Except when you walk the dog. And when I send you to the store for tampons. And when I send you to the grocery store five times in a row to get something I forgot, that I couldn’t remember until you were all the way home again.
I will rule your life from waking until sleeping, and then I will haunt your dreams all night long.
GET USED TO IT, SONNYBOY!
——-
TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She’s been doing this BDSM stuff for 30 years in private and more than 10 years in public venues. 
She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over twenty fiction books that you can find on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2
You can find more of her work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/
FB Regular page —  https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseAuthor

She enjoys crochet, coffee, and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

No play parties in our quarantine

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So, life has been interesting since we entered the world of quarantine in late March 2020. From a broader perspective, we have indeed “flattened the curve” and life is beginning to open up again. But even as we prepare to move forward into a confusing future, observations on what we went through continue to fill my brain.

Because it’s been even more interesting for us kinksters.

For my own part, my girl and I have been “trapped” at home together, both of us telecommuting for our jobs. So it’s been a win-win for us; lots of time together with the person we love to spend time with as we save money not driving to the office and buying lunch, etc.  even as we continue to receive our full paychecks.

But it’s also been sad, as we haven’t seen any of our kinky friends literally for months. We’d inevitably hit at least one event a month, either a munch of party, often both, but all of those have been suspended. Sure there’ve been some virtual events, but they lack the je ne sais quoi of a real, in person meetup. 

We’ve “quaranteamed” with some few very, very close friends, and that’s certainly kept us from going entirely crazy. But we also very much enjoy and appreciate the energy one gets from meeting and interacting with people in a public space. Meeting new, like-minded people can be fun. And we first met our very, very close friends in just such an environment; it’s not as if they can be dismissed entirely.

Meanwhile, I know plenty of people who aren’t in long-term, monogamous relationships, who didn’t even have regular play partners, who “played the field” as it were. And that’s totally cool. Except that, under the “shutdown” reality, life seriously sucked.

The places and events where they used to hook up were suddenly gone. And the people they might regularly casually play with were suddenly, understandably, unavailable.  Responsible adults who might otherwise be engaging in mutually enjoyable intimate activities found themselves out in the cold, at home and alone.

Certainly, I have several single friends who’ve managed to successfully “quaranteam” with a very select household. And I’ve been pleased to see that their irregular get-togethers have been both safe and satisfying. One friend in particular has purchased a rather elaborate motorcycle, and her household engages in regular rides in local, isolated environs (I’m actually rather jealous… she seems to be having a great deal of fun).

But then there are the friends (extremely peripherial ones) who’re engaging in out-and-out inappropriate activity.

They’re had play parties, open to what they consider a “select” group, but which are essentially open (we were invited and chose not to attend). Others have announced, through less-than-public channels, out-and-out orgies. 

None of these activities seem anywhere near responsible given the current pandemic crisis. Indeed, they would appear to be quite the opposite.

A great many of these individuals are young, under 35, so they’re part of a typically low risk community. Hell, unless you’re immunocompromised for some reason, or over 70, you’re probably low risk regardless. By some estimates, 95% of people who catch COVID 19 will get a mild form of the illness.

But if you’re in that 5%, well, best have your advanced directive in order. This is a lottery you don’t want to play.

As things are opening back up, none of the groups I’m familiar with locally have any events planned. Of course, the underground groups are rejoicing, feeling vindicated. Not that I’ve heard of anyone in particular getting sick. Not that I necessarily would have.

Meanwhile, my girl and I are electing to continue to stay home. We’re happy together and don’t see any reason to take unnecessary risks.

What has your experience been during the recent pandemic crisis?

About the Author

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.

Dealing with health issues during the Plague

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I received an email today, from someone I’m friendly with in my local scene. It touched me in an unexpected way, and has compelled me to share some very intimate details of my current life.

Right when the plague was starting, I embarked on something of a medical odyssey. 

I’d been bleeding vaginally for several months. Basically a period that wouldn’t end. I decided it was time to do something about it. (If this happens to you, don’t wait more than three weeks. Seriously.)

I endured a uterine biopsy that was inconclusive, because reasons I won’t bore or gross you out with. It has been continuing for three months with the taking of a daily megestrol tablet, and waiting. June 1st, tomorrow as I type this, I will endure a second uterine biopsy. It required a sonogram the Friday before.

I’m not really keen on doctors. In fact, I despise the entire medical establishment. I’m pushing through the best I can, knowing my rights as a patient and advocating for myself. I’m not the typical “submissive, do what I’m told” patient. I study things. I research things. I question things. I know things. It surprises them when I use medical terminology as easily as they do. They don’t know what to say when I tell them they’re bullshitting me. (a couple ibuprofen “significantly” reduces the discomfort of the biopsy…mhhm who the fuck you think you’re lying to?)

While the gynecologist isn’t usually a place for sick people, I’m not keen to sit in a waiting room time after time, for an hour or more. But I’m doing it. I have to if I’m going to have the procedure. I want to know if I have cancer. 

If I have cancer of the uterus, I will have to have a hysterectomy. Possibly while the plague is still raging. I’m not very keen on that either; but I’m willing to face it. I’ve wanted a hysterectomy since I was 13 years old, my periods are so excruciatingly painful.

Why am I telling you this?

Because there’s someone out there who desperately needs to go to the dentist but is afraid they’ll catch the plague. Please. If you’re in pain, make that appointment for diagnosis. Make and keep the appointments to fix the issue.

If you’ve been putting off your yearly gyno exam, please make an appointment and go. Better to go and get a negative or an early indicator than not go and next year find out you have cancer.

If you’re putting off your yearly mammo, make the appointment and go.

Don’t let the plague stop you from maintaining your health.

This will end, and there are people out there who want to see you when it does.

DTR.

The Gift Of Acceptance

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Tied up and reflecting on independence and freedom
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When I was 26, my mother died.
When I was 27, my grandfather died.
And yesterday, at the age of 31, I lost my father 21 hours after our last text message saying “I love you.”
But, I don’t want to tell you about his death.  I don’t want to fill these pages with tear stains and unintelligible sobbing.
I want to tell you the greatest thing he ever did for me.
He accepted me.
The man I still called Daddy was a man who took care of not only his son, but two daughters who weren’t his by blood.
Of course, he’d chastise me for saying that.
We were his.  There was never any difference between us.  He told me that often enough.  He treated my sister and I, and both our spouses, as his kids.  When they asked how many he had, the answer was always five.
I learned about kink when I was barely a teen.  It spoke to me in a way that nothing else had.  I read stories and blogs from a variety of submissives and slaves and it resonated with me.  The more I learned, the more I wanted to know.
But, I needed a friend.  I needed someone I could talk to about it.
My daddy was that friend.
So, a few years after I discovered this world, I nervously fumbled my way through what I’d found and how I felt.
He listened.
Without judgement, he asked me questions.  He told me to be safe.
He laughed and then told me he had no desire to know about my sex life.
This is the same man who bought me my first pair of police grade handcuffs and my first cat o nine tails.
I was utterly shocked.  My dad was a straight laced man who still blushed at dirty jokes.
But, he wanted me to feel accepted.  He said he would always get me what I asked for if it was within his means.
I broke that pair of handcuffs about six years after I got them.  I got handcuffed and we lost the key.  So, with a fork, a butter knife, and a whole lot of bruising, I bent them enough to free myself.
On a side note, I don’t recommend losing the key.
For Christmas a couple years ago, As he does every year, he asked me what I wanted.
I told him nothing.
He called me on my bullshit.
I said the only things I wanted weren’t things I was going to ask him for.
He told me to send him the links.
So, I did.
That Christmas, I received a pair of black handcuffs and matching leg irons. I also received the money to buy the internal violet want attachments I wanted.
Weird, isn’t it?
I never thought so.
Though, seeing the face of my partners when I got what I asked for, was a picture worth taking.
**** **** ****
We, as humans, spend our lives noticing all the ways we are different.  We live in fear that we will be cast out for being different.
We shy away from coming out, in any way, that could be seen as deviant.
That fear often turns to anger.
We push people away, we hide ourselves behind a wall of indifference, and we pretend.
We pretend nothing can hurt us.  We pretend it doesn’t hurt when people walk away.
We accommodate people’s ignorance.
I’ve been fired from a job for being gay.  So has my wife.  I’ve been asked by my sister in law to not be affectionate with my wife at her wedding because it will upset guests.  I’ve been told I’m not Queer because I have an attraction to men and women.
I’ve hurt myself even more.
I’ve taken my depression, my anxiety, and my fear out on my own skin.  I have the silver lines of anger in my thighs.  I’ve starved myself.  I’ve scratched my skin to the point of bleeding.  I’ve cleaned until my hands were numb and I couldn’t stand.
I’ve hurt myself in more ways than I can even count.
And, there in the darkness, was one man.  A man who always had a hug for me.  A man who let me sleep on his couch when I showed up late at night, upset.  A man who sat there and talked about sci-fi and high fantasy to take my mind off whatever was bothering me.  A man who answered the phone whenever I called, even if he was at work.
He didn’t scold me for my depression.  He didn’t mock my anxiety.  He simply told me that if medication was helping, then I needed to listen to the doctor.
For a man who hated hospitals, and doctors, he always made sure we went.
He didn’t condemn me when I fell off my meds.  He didn’t lecture me.  He didn’t pressure or push me.
He supported me.  He accepted me.  Mistakes and all.
Above everything a father teaches their child, their are two pieces that have made me a stronger individual and helped my journey of self.
1) Whatever you are into is secondary. Always greet someone with a smile.  Just because I disagree with your choice, doesn’t mean I can’t still love you.
2) Be proud of who you are.  Never bow your head to those undeserving.  Trust with everything you have, but never accept a violation of that trust.
–It took me years to understand those teachings.  Hell, I’m still learning them.
When these lessons were reenforced by my partners, and made priority by my Master, I knew I was home.
His acceptance taught me what home meant.
Home is never just a place to sleep.  Home is the people who hold you up.  Home is the ones who answer the phone at 3am because you just needed to talk.  Home is those who know that whatever mistakes you make, you are still worth loving.
I wouldn’t be where I am without such acceptance.
In a community full of trauma survivors, I count myself among the lucky few who had a beautiful man who stood behind me.
Even though I have to explain that he really was my dad, he will always be Daddy to me.
About the Author
My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Rituals, Rights, Kitchen Lights

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I am terrified that one day, the light will be off.

I am terrified that the darkness will be all consuming.

I am terrified I will be forgotten.

*Sounds dramatic, doesn’t it?  It sounds as though I am to be locked in a dark dungeon and left to rot.  I am not.  No need to dial 911.

In reality, I have an extremely irrational fear that the kitchen light will not be left on for me when I come home in the middle of the night.

Would it be the end of the world?  No, not physically.  Would I forget where I lived without the bright yellow glow?  No.

But, would I feel forgotten?  Overwhelmingly so.

The thought of it makes my stomach queasy and my anxiety spike.

It is completely irrational.

And yet, it’s there.

This is part of my rites and rituals that have developed in my relationship with Master.

**** **** ****

This is going to be a very frank conversation that will probably make people uncomfortable.  My service has no religious connotations but there are undeniable parallels.  This is not a political statement.  This is my life, my beliefs, and my dedication to my service.

My hope is to simply relay how rites and rituals can be everyday occurrences and do not need the formal ceremonies flouted online and in BDSM literature.

While I acknowledge and respect the formal ceremonies of our cultural past, I stand by my beliefs that I can show the same dedication, and receive the same reciprocation, in a much simpler way.

Rite: a customary act, practice or tradition.

Ritual: a series of actions or type of behavior regularly and invariably followed by someone.

When I refer to a rite, I’m referring to the basic etiquette and expectations befitting a role within the dynamic.

When I refer to a ritual, it is the actions of deference and support.

While my experiences are from the eyes of a submissive, I want to make it clear that rites and rituals are relevant regardless of role.

The first of those is the light.

Master is a cautious individual who does not trust easy.  He double checks the locks.  He closes the curtains when the sun sinks low in the sky.  He makes sure we are safe.

I work rotating hours that are often well into the darkness and long after bedtime for my family   As such, I have a key to our home.  Yet, he always leaves the light on for me and the backdoor unlocked.

Always.

No matter what he has done that day or where he has travelled to, whenever he is home before me, the light is on.

He knows I fear the night I come home to the dark.  I have confessed to him and admitted I know it’s irrational.

He simply smiles, gives me a hug, and tells me it’s ok.  He reminds me that he has never forgotten to leave it on.  When I send him a text that reminds him to leave it on, because my anxiety is speaking for me, he obligingly answers me with “of course”.

He indulges me without making me feel ridiculous.

This is his ritual to remind me that he thinks of me even when I’m gone.

**** **** ****

I’ve spoken often in my writings about the mental fuckery I happily subject myself to.

I walk a fine line of love and hate with humiliation, degradation, and predicament play.  I find my bliss in the pain of being torn down and rebuilt.

I always give a cautionary warning.  You can and will fuck someone up if you aren’t careful.

My first degradation scene was ten minutes long, and the aftercare was double that.

He put his forehead to mine and spoke to me.  His voice was firm but soft.  He brought me out of sub space with reassurances.  He told me that what is said in a scene does not reflect how he feels about or views me.  He repeated it as needed until I could answer him and tell him I understood.

This was his rite.

**** **** ****

His rite led to the first ritual I ever asked to implement.

I asked to kiss his boots and thank him after every scene.  It defined the end of our play and allowed my mind to separate the fuckery from reality.

The first-time life interrupted a scene, I did not have that closure.  It left me with a severe drop.  I had never experienced such a hard call back to Earth.

It hurts.  It feels like you have fallen a few stories and hit hard on concrete.  Your head is fuzzy, you feel abandoned, and you feel confused.

At least, I do.

Now, even when something unexpected comes up, and we do not have time to finish a scene, or do proper aftercare right away, we have a way to end the scene.  It helps tide the headspace over and begin the transition back to reality until we can come together again.

**Those of you who would smite Master for letting aftercare go, must not have other responsibilities.

I have never been prouder of him as a person than I am when he drops everything for his kids.  Even as they are grown, married, and living on their own, when that call comes in, and they need their dad, I will never put my needs before those.

I will snap into a functioning servitude.  “What can I do?  How can I help?  What do you need?”.

Health and family will always come first.

In no way does this mean I am forgotten.  We may not finish our scene, but he will check on me.  If I have dropped, he will endeavor to make me smile.  He will give me hugs and kiss me, he will invite me to cuddle or kneel, he will rub my back or slip his fingers into my hair…or he will ground me.

Definition Time:

 Grounding: today you relax.  Today you are not allowed to do chores, or serve, or work.  Today, we take care of you.

Only in my house is grounding a good thing.  *Chuckle*. That does not mean I don’t hate it from time to time.  Sometimes I cannot sit still, and I am as jittery as a ten-year-old with ADHD.  Sometimes I must remind myself that I am not in trouble. But I always know it comes from a good place.

**** **** ****

As I grew into myself, I had preconceived notions of what made a good submissive.  How to act, how to speak (or not), positions to learn, and to never, ever, ever make eye contact with your Dom.

This has been the hardest rite to unlearn.

You see, Master prefers eye contact.  Unless it has been restricted, he wishes me to meet his eyes.

The most powerful thing Master ever said to me was that he can see the surrender in my eyes.

He can see when I am blissed out.  He can see the shift to sub space.  He can see when I am no longer present.  He can see the recognition of him when I come back to him.  He can see every emotion and every thought running through me.

From that point on, I have always wondered why restricted eye contact has become so ingrained in BDSM culture.  You can be submissive and never fully submit.  You can fake your body language.  But you can never fake the look in your eyes.

**On a side note, I have been told it is both about respect and power.  Eye contact can be viewed as a challenge.  It also clearly shows your station.  This is a tradition groomed through thousands of years and hundreds of cultures**

But, every story, every picture, every bit of media you see, always shows the sub with her eyes down.

I struggle deeply with eye contact.  I try my damnedest to look past Master, at a point on the wall, so my head is up but I am avoiding his dark gaze.

Yet, he calls me out.  Every. Single. Fucking. Time.

He does so with a quiet patience that I am positive I could never achieve.

He will wait for me.  He will ask me to look at him and wait.  He will watch me blink repeatedly, trying to get his face to focus.  He will watch my eyes bounce from his chin, to the wall, to his forehead, and then his nose.  He will chuckle softly as he tells me I am almost there.

And then he will smile when I meet his eyes finally.  “There you are.  That’s my good little pain slut (or piggie)”

The latter depends on the mood (maybe soon I shall regale you with the Piggie Tales).

This is his ritual.

He likes to see me submit.  But he likes seeing me come back to him even more.

**** **** ****

When we think of rituals, they are often formal.  Sometimes religious.  Sometimes they involve many people.  Sometimes they involve few.

To me, a ritual is simply an affirmation of our dynamic, our commitment.  There needs to be nothing more than him and I.

They are meant to slide into everyday life with minimal disruption.

My rituals are fairly simple:

–I remove Master’s boots at the end of the day (relevant to days I am off or work early).  I understand that when I work into the night, he is not sitting up waiting for me simply because it is part of our routine.  That would both be inconvenient and restricting.

–Kisses always come in threes.  The fact that I am indulged in my OCD, even though he gives only one kiss to everyone else, reaffirms his recognition of my needs…and my quirks.

–What’s His is mine.  Sounds possessive…or marital, huh?  What this means is I have earned his trust and proven my worth.  I am permitted to care for his leather, and I am permitted to lay out and pack up his electrical gear.  No one else is given such liberties.

–Parties, and public play events, will always begin with a change of collar.  Once his gear is set up, and we are ready to open the doors, he takes ten minutes with just me.  I kneel, my forehead inches above his kilt, my palms up and in front of me, as he places his warm hands against the back of my neck.  He will squeeze the back of my neck, tight enough for my shoulders to drop and my eyes to slide closed.  He will slip the clasp of my day collar out of its rings and lay it across my waiting hands. It sits across my palms, turned up in front of my face.  I can hear the heavy metal on my collar clink as he removed it from his bag.  He rubs the back of my neck and moves my hair aside.  He slides it under my head and pulls it tight to my neck.  It always makes my eyes pop open and a sharp intake of breath.  He buckled it shut and adjusts the metals to his liking.  He asks me if it is too tight and adjusts if needed.  Then he pulls my hair back, puts his forehead to mine and stares me down.  He always tells me that I am His.  He takes the time to connect with me.  When he is confident that we are both in a good space, he pulls the center ring, lifts me tall on my knees, and kisses me, three times.

My rites are odd:

–I will always kneel for the removal, adjustment, or changing of my collar.  I will always kneel to remove his boots.  I will always kneel when I need time and comfort.

       –> Kneeling is my expression of respect, need, want, or emotional support.

–No matter where my hands are, at any time, they will never be in a fist.  They will always be open because I will never intend him harm.

–My hair.  Long and uncut, just as He likes it.

–I will always give him free rights to my mind and my body.  I am his to use as he pleases when he pleases.  It takes very extreme circumstances to hear an utterance of a safe word.

–My favorite rite and his favorite ritual: no scene will ever be planned.  We play organically and react and adjust in real time, without hesitation–

**** **** ****

We do not have the space for elaborate rituals.  Nor do we have the time.  Its funny really.  I am in several online groups, through various platforms, related to BDSM.  All of them tell me that if “I am important, there will always be time.”

I am calling bullshit.  I work a minimum of 60 hours a week, with travel time.  I work a rotating schedule where I can work five days on, one day off, five days on, one day off….over and over again until I am a walking zombie.  Somewhere, in that single day off, I must fit in my three partners, social time with friends, household chores, errands, hobbies, and sleep.  Then, on top of that, I have to make sure my mental health is perfectly in sync and my body is not in pain from my job and my physical issues.  Oh, yes, and our wives and children need to be at top form so that we can be confident that they will be alright if we disappear for a half hour or so.

And that is only from my side.

Then, you add those same stressors from Master’s side.

What happens with unexpected occurrences?  Our bathroom was torn apart for a couple of weeks, fixing electrical and plumbing issues.  Our fridge has started leaking so bad, we spent my day off getting a new one.  With the lockdown from the pandemic, we had a buildup of donations and items for a garbage haul.  When they opened, we spent our time getting everything transported.

You can read these as excuses.  It makes no difference to me.  But, it is our reality.

When I need time, and we don’t have it, I may kneel for a few minutes before I leave for work.  I may ask to shine his boots, simply so I can sink into service.  I might even tease him ever so slightly, so I can see that glint in his eye—the promise of retribution when we have our next moment in time.

In the end, I know that when we step out to play, and I’m waiting in the silence, with just the blood rushing through my head and the raggedness of my breathing, I have all the time in the world with Him.  I am his sole focus and he is mine.

Everything else, beyond that door, becomes static white noise.

The world will always influence how we are able to express ourselves.  But, it will never stop the continuation of our Rites and Rituals.

And, of course, it will never turn out the kitchen light.

About the Author

My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Dom/Domme Warning Signs

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(Note: As always, this column is written from the MaleDom/femsub perspective. Others are perfectly viable, but this is the one with which I’m most familiar., and thus which I write from YMMV)</i>

There are false Doms among us, at our munches, at our parties, our sloshes, on our kinky social media site, on our dating sites, at our favorite coffee shop. Some of them don’t know they’re fake, others do and don’t care, and a few of them are just using your kink as a gateway to get what they want.

They’ll pretend to know what they’re doing, they’ll lie to you about skills they don’t have, they’ll pay lip service to your needs while having no intention of fulfilling them.

They’re abusers and bullies in Dom’s clothing.

Most of them are dangerous, some more than others. A very select few, perhaps less than one percent, are deadly.

Learning to spot them is your best defense. In your arsenal are any number of tools. Your local community can be the best; ask around. If someone has a bad reputation that doesn’t seem based on personal peccadillos or vendattas, perhaps you should give them a pass.

Then there’s always your own intuition, a gut feeling. If it’s telling you to run the other way, do so. You’ll always get a second chance if you’re mistaken, if they’re the real deal. But if they’re not, you could wind up with a lifetime of regrets.

Then there are the red flags. No single red flag is necessarily a signal to stay away. But an aggregate of them could well be. Keep this (inevitably incomplete) list in mind when evaluating a potential Dom.

– Dick pics: This one is pretty basic. One, perhaps two pics of a particularly impressive member are probably okay. But if anything over 5% of their pics are of their massively erect penis, you may want to look elsewhere. An extra red flag if their ego possesses them to use it as their profile pic.

– Vague profile: Not everyone can put together a crackerjack profile, but if theirs is minimally filled out, or leads with the classic, “I’m an open book, ask me anything!” then they’re likely hiding something or have a distinct lack of the sort of self awareness good Doms tend towards.

– An inordinate focus on sex: Certainly, sex can be a part of a scene, but BDSM can also be about a great deal more. Someone who seems almost myopically focused on sex, when you’re rather indifferent, can simply be a horny guy looking to get his dick wet.

– Pet names too soon: If they almost immediately start calling you by affectionate sobriquets such as honey, puppy, darling, or move very quickly towards vulgarities such as bitch, cunt, or slut, then it’s likely they’re more interested in their own gratification at the expense of yours. Speaking of which…

– Places their own gratification over yours: You should always both leave a scene mutually gratified; indeed, many Doms will value the gratification of the sub over their own. If you feel that their needs are always being met while you’re left hanging, It’s likely that they’re all about themselves.

– Poor negotiation skills: While it’s important that a Dom tell you about themselves as well as their skills and experience, the good ones will spend the time to suss out who you are, what your experience level is, and what you’re looking for. Even if you’re the greenest of newbies they’ll take the time to understand just how much you’re looking to get your feet wet, as well as exactly how. If they seem more focused and determined as to what they’ll be doing to you then what you actually want, then they’re likely more interested in self gratification than an actual scene.

– Moves from 0 to 60 way too fast: If someone starts immediately whacking at you with their biggest, baddest toy, and doesn’t take the time to warm you up slowly, determining your limits and doing their best to work within them, then they could simply be a sadist who’s looking for indulge their own jollies.

– Aftercare: The best Doms will do their best to get you what you need after a scene, even perhaps going so far as to check in the next day. If you’re new your specific aftercare needs can be somewhat nebulous, but experienced Doms will still have a checklist of things that are relatively common and will work to ensure that your cool down is as satisfying as your warm up.

This list is simply the tip of the proverbial iceberg; there’re a great many more that you’ll discover as you move into the scene. Always remember to trust your instincts, your peers, and your friends. And keep in mind that it’s about mutual pleasure. If you leave your scene feeling worse than when you arrived, then you could be looking at someone who’s more a selfish abuser, a bully, than an actual Dom.

Stay informed, stay aware, and stay safe.

========

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication. 

 

Take My Feelings Into Consideration

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How many times do we see this comment from a sub: “he said he’d take my feelings into consideration…”

NEWSFLASH! Taking your feelings into consideration does NOT mean the dominant is going to do what you want him to do.

He considered your feelings. And he chose to do that which pleased him. Or made the decision that he felt is better overall for all involved and not just the one that appeases your own ego or makes you feel the most comfortable.

When talking with someone who may become your dom, bring this into the discussion.

Ask: “Exactly WHAT do you mean when you say you’ll take my feelings into consideration?” Ask the sticky questions. This is how compatibility is sorted out. This is how parameters of a relationship are sorted out.  

I’ll bet he’ll mean he’ll think on it but make the decision he feels best at that time, even if it’s not what you want. That means you’ll have to live with his decision. If you can’t live with an outcome other than the one you want, don’t be the s in a d/s relationship.

Ask: “Will my feelings be put aside and you’ll do whatever you’ll do even if it hurts my feelings?”

Again, I’ll say the answer will be “yes, if that’s what’s best at the moment.”

Can you live with your feelings being hurt? Can you live with your preference being set aside? Can you live with not getting what you want?

If you hear something you can’t live with, you have to speak up and say so…and walk away if there is no compromise to be had. I guarantee you the situation will happen and he will do as he said he would do. I see the same thing when it comes to poly. Dom says “I’m poly and will be looking for another sub” and the first sub doesn’t believe he’ll do it. When he does, she cries about it. I’ve literally seen women post in threads that “he said he would but I didn’t believe he’d do it.”

Trust me when I say that he will absolutely go after a second piece of ass and will absolutely make the decision he chooses to make whether you like it or not. If you go into this relationship knowing this is likely to happen and thinking you will be able to change his mind or, worse yet, you don’t believe he’ll actually do it, then you are setting yourself up to be hurt.

I read a question in a group. The sub said her dom had handed her an envelope and told her to hold the money for his friend. He got snippy with her when she asked if it was legit. Is this the kind of thing you can foresee and talk about before you get into the relationship? No. 

But think about it. If your dom asked you to hold some money, wouldn’t tell you why or for whom, what do you think you’d do? Is this a moment that is going to end your relationship? Or are you going to do it solely because you don’t want to lose him?

What if he asked you to hold a package but you couldn’t open it to see what was inside?
What if he said you’re not allowed to ask any questions?
What if he said that if you refuse, he’ll dump you?

Would you actually hand back the envelope or package and say “fine, I guess we’re through then. Have a nice life.” –?

Would you really? 

A lot of chicks say they would, but I think the number who actually would is extremely small. It’s easy to say in a discussion online “totes dump that dude!!!” when they’re not in your living/financial situation.

Fact of the matter is that so many people are so eager to be loved that they’ll do anything in order not to lose the relationship they have. Life is hard by yourself and we’ve been pounded all our lives with this notion that we have to have another person in order to be complete.

So how would you deal with that kind of ultimatum?

People are quick to say no dom should EVAR make a sub do ANYTHING that’s illegal. Facts of life are that it does happen. People are asked to do things that are a bit shady, rather underhanded. We like to think we’re so noble, but we’re just people like any other in that regard. There’s no “higher moral calling” just because we’re kinky.

Then there’s the people shouting about informed consent. You have to know everything! Well, that’s not how the world works either. 

Being the submissive means taking some things on faith. Is it risky? Of course. Things worth having take a certain measure of risk. 

You have to decide how much risk you are willing to take on. 

Only you can decide that.

—

About the Author

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twentysomething fiction books.

FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2


You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Rika’s Lair- Avoiding Escalation and Exploring Together

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have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

This week, I’d like to rekindle a thread I started a bit over a year ago in my FetLife group. The topic is “Escalation”; a concept on which many relationships stumble…so, I think it’s a particularly important area to discuss. 

Escalation is a common technique employed by people while trying to introduce a new dynamic to their “vanilla” partners. The logic is, start slow, get your partner used to it, and then escalate to deeper and deeper intensities. When your partner does small things, you react openly with lots of positive energy, rewarding the for their efforts, and then after a while, once they’ve gotten comfortable with that level, you move to take it to the next. That’s the way escalation is thought to work… 

…Only it doesn’t really work that way. 

The reality of escalation is that, to the escalated partner, there becomes no end in sight. This can be a particularly scary revelation, if they don’t feel in control of when escalation occurs, or if you both will escalate at all. They may feel that you will never be satisfied; that no matter what they do, their efforts will never be enough – and they won’t want to continue. If they feel that you don’t appreciate what they’ve done already, your efforts will feel like you’re manipulating them to do more, and they will resent it…and resist it. 

Still, starting something new by going slow is a good idea. So how can you help your partner to be comfortable trying something new, without jumping in full-bore? Here are some recommendations that have worked for others: 

  • Don’t try to hide your intent. Talk about escalation up front. If you’re starting slow, let your partner know that. Let them know that what you’re doing is designed to give them a feel for an activity and then see if they want to take it further. Note: if THEY want to take it further. Give your partner the decision power (in reality, it’s theirs anyway, so you may as well let them feel that it is) and make sure you’re willing to stop and not push further. This will remove the pressure your partner is going to feel from you and make them feel more in control. 
  • Check in with your partner periodically and be open to THEIR direction for escalation. Do they enjoy the activity? Do they think this is something that they may want to continue with? You’re enjoying it, but Is there some variation that would bring your partner more enjoyment? The escalation does not need to follow your intended path…perhaps they’d like to escalate it in a direction that suits THEM better? Your way is not necessarily better…because what’s going to be better for you is going to be what’s better for your partner. Having a partner who is happy doing what they’re doing is going to be more fulfilling than one who constantly feels like they’re doing you a favor. 
  • Provide realistic, tempered feedback. There is a temptation to overplay how happy you are with the early levels of experimentation. You think that, by showing your partner overwhelming happiness – how incredibly excited this all makes you – they will want to do more. But you’re setting yourself up for disappointment because, when the conversation turns to escalation, 

they’re going to feel that their efforts aren’t “good enough” and that your excitement wasn’t genuine. They will feel manipulated, even if they know the escalation is coming. Be happy, show that you’re happy…just keep it realistic and within the scope of the level of escalation that you’re in. 

  • Provide feedback that’s focused on your appreciation of your partner, not on the activity itself: When you demonstrate your happiness, don’t focus on what your partner’s doing or how they’re doing it – don’t critique their execution (good or bad), unless they ask you. Rather, focus your feedback on how happy THEY make you by being so open to ideas, and by being courageous and willing to try new things. Show your appreciation that they’re willing to go on this adventure with you. 
  • Lastly, be sure your partner knows you’re happy with who they are, not just what they’re doing. They’re doing this for you, and even if they suddenly come to love the activity, keep your enthusiasm focused on your appreciation of your partner and who they are. Another way to consider this is, it’s a feeling that’s special and unique because of your partner. Not just anyone could make you so happy just by doing the activity…It’s best because your partner is exploring this with you. 

This will give you a chance to find happiness and fulfillment with your partner. You will not be manipulating them, rather, you will be engaging with them and moving together towards a new destination. 

I hope you keep this in mind when you find yourself embarking on a new direction with a partner! As always, I welcome your thoughts! 

I wish all of you, health and safety during this crazy time. 

– Rika 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Rika’s Lair- A Little Insight Into A Submissive Man

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

This week, I’m not going to write an article. Rather, I’m going to share a poignant piece of introspection I received from a submissive who was working through some internal conflicts. I found that it gave a very honest and raw look into the mind of a submissive that proved to be enlightening. I hope you find it so, as well. I hope you read it and share your comments, particularly if you relate to the emotion. 

Reproduced anonymously, with permission: 

She left her boots out. 

The blanket chest at the foot of the master bed serves many purposes: Storage, a place to stack folded clothing, and occasionally, a place to put little notes to remind her of things she wants to remember to do. Some days, it’s completely clear, usually on days when I’m due to dust, but this day, the lid showed signs of activity. 

Somewhere between the folded tops, jeans, and workout clothing, she casually left her pair of black Frye riding boots. They stood tall on top of the chest; toes carefully aligned; pointing in parallel to the middle of the room. Their inseam zippers were pulled almost all the way to the top, causing them to sag open, just slightly; low enough to reveal their light brown, worn, leather linings, but high enough to keep the boots erect under their natural weight. 

During the fall, she wears those boots religiously. They look great with her jeans tucked into them and even better over any of her pairs of leather pants. They are the most comfortable pair of boots she’s ever owned. She wears them almost daily, weather permitting. 

I can’t count the number of times I’ve knelt in front her, pulling those boots from her feet and stacking them neatly on the floor in the closet. From time to time, she’d allow me to bury my face into the top of them to breathe in their aroma: Leather and sweet sweat; an intoxicating bouquet that’s a generous gift to anyone like me; a gift for which I’m careful to show my gratitude. 

She left her boots out. 

The boots are never kept out of the closet…and yet, there they were; at waist level; demanding that my eyes lock onto them. 

I felt stirring between my legs and weakness in my knees. My ears got warm and my cheeks flushed. The room faded away as my vision tunneled to the boots. It was a visceral reaction; immediate and completely involuntary. I’ve read that subconscious reaction to visual stimuli is a phenomenon that men experience more than women. It’s something of which I’ve been keenly aware since I was a boy. The fact that anything related to a woman’s sexuality causes my body to involuntarily react in a way that weakens me, only serves to attribute even more power to women, and re-affirms my acknowledgement of submissiveness. 

I gathered my wits about me and overcame my initial excitement. Regaining my composure allowed questions to wash over me: Why did she leave the boots out? Surely, she knew I was going to see them and knew I was going to wonder why she left them there. Did she expect me to do something with them? My mind began to work through the possibilities. 

Perhaps she wanted me to put them away. That idea excited me, since if that was the rationale behind leaving them there, she was doling out a menial task that she easily could have done for herself. How awesome would it be if, instead of just putting them down in the closet, she set them on the cabinet for me find and put away – to “let her slave do that”. She would be demonstrating how completely in tuned and in control of my mind she is, since, not only would she be delegating a menial task, but she’d be forcing me to handle objects that she knows triggers my submissive buttons. She’d be making me handle her footwear…and she knows what that does to me. 

Maybe she just wanted me to kneel before them and kiss them. We don’t have a standing rule where I am to worship her footwear when I see them, but oh, how cool would that be? Perhaps, I should inhale them, as she had let me do in the past. 

Could she just have wanted to tease me…to just leave them there as a means to drive me nuts? Maybe she was aware of how excited the situation would make me and was using this as a means to stoke my libido in preparation for a Tease and Denial session she was planning for later. How mind-blowing would it be if she were playing a long-term game, getting me hot and bothered with different such scenarios throughout the week, until I’d be a begging mass of desperation whenever she chose to give me relief. Maybe those boots would be back in play at that point! 

Or, maybe she wanted me to polish them before I put them away. Oh my, that would add another layer of service-driven excitement to the situation: Not only permitting me to serve her by doing the menial task of storing her boots, but also the demeaning task of cleaning and polishing them! 

Why stop there? Did she want me to lick them clean before polishing them? I’ve done that before. She knows the excitement that the leather soles on those particular boots bring me – and how turned on I get when the leather turns from light to dark brown as my tongue slathers over them. She knows how much I love to tend to the disgusting task of cleaning them. Could she have been expecting me to do that as well? 

She left her boots out. 

I didn’t have any directions, but I had the option of doing ALL of this. Then I found myself wondering if doing any of this would be what she really wanted, or just be fulfilling my own desires. 

It took all of about 10 seconds for these thoughts to rip through my mind. In the end, I decided that any assumption made regarding what she intended, would have been presumptuous and self-serving. None of it would be enjoyable, unless I knew she wanted it. 

I left the boots where they sat. I didn’t touch them, or even smell them. They sat on the cabinet lid for four days until she wore them again. We didn’t discuss it. I’ll never know if I failed a test or if I’m living alone with this fantasy in my head. I’m not sure which is worse…the latter being such a lonely possibility. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com