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Negotiation And Consent

January 10, 2021 By SafferMaster 2 Comments

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Kink is a power exchange.

How do you KNOW as a Top/Dom/Domme/Master/Sir/Mistress etc (collectively “Top”) that you have the consent of your submissive?

As a submissive, how do you come to the decision to choose to relinquish your power safely? How do you choose your Top?

Let’s be honest, as a Top, if you did some of the things that run-of-the-mill kink play routinely involves to a person who had NOT given you their consent, you might very well get charged, arrested, prosecuted and convicted.

Kink is a coin with two sides. It only works if the Top and the Bottom, the Dom and the Sub, the Master and the slave are in alignment and it works best when there is full unconstrained communication.

One of the toughest aspects around the issue of monitoring consent during a scene is that both the Dom and the sub often experience mind-altering states that often makes clear communication difficult.

Kink is intense. It is a must to negotiate the parameters from a place of clarity, and I would argue, with complete authenticity.

There is good reason to discuss what is on the table (bondage, impact play, needles, gags, and/or dildos, for instance) as well as for how long, how intense, and what the limits are.

Do you as a sub, know your limits? Are you wanting to test your limits? As a Dom, are you someone who understands how to stretch limits within the boundaries of hard limits? Do you have an agreement on aftercare?

Hard limits, those things you just won’t do, must be stated and agreed to without reservation.

Kink requires safe words…I like the Yellow/Red combination. What does red mean? Do you end the scene or just move on to some other aspect of play? What about yellow? If I am flogging my sub and she says “yellow” what that means in our dynamic is “back off a bit, but please continue.”

When he/she says “I give you my consent” do you know what that means for him/her, do you understand his/her limits hard and soft? Do you know what he/she is expecting, for how long you have his/her consent? Do you know what his/her safe words are, and the way he/she understands them?

There is an argument, especially in pick-up-play, to be made for ongoing clarifications and requests for consent to be made as the scene progresses in order to keep the participants on the same page. For example, “I am going to spank you now with my bare hand, do I have your consent?” After spanking him/her ask “I am going to increase the intensity, do I have your consent?” And so on.

The most important part of the negotiation is really what happens after play, and what I call “the debriefing”. It is during the discussion about what was done and how it went that you come to agreement about what works and what does not. What is desired and what is designated as off limits, and not to be part of future play.

Ongoing dynamics are negotiated power exchanges that do not generally require repetitive conversations about consent, but in even well-established dynamics, there is a need to make sure that the play evolves keeping both parties fully engaged in the experience.

As a Dom, my view is that for me, a total power exchange is the perfect dynamic. Even in that dynamic, because my submissive has agency, whenever we introduce new experiences in play, there is a conversation before, during and after that addresses how she is doing, is she wanting more of what we are doing, does she want harder impact, should we go on longer etc. The point is that we live in a 24/7 TPE and we enjoy an energetic connection that requires no words, so when we do new things, we speak a lot about how it lands and how she likes it and how I can expand her limits and so on. Consent is an ongoing conversation that we always engage in.

Why do I say that one should be their authentic self when giving or seeking consent or negotiating limits? Think about this, if you are a dreamy sub and have all the feels for the Dom you are negotiating with and he says “I am into knife play” and for you, it’s a hard limit, but you don’t want to disappoint and so you say “It’s a soft limit”, then you go into a play session with a major concerns and you cannot relax and you are worried he is going to pull out a knife and you are worried about being cut and worse. The scene will not go well for you or him. If you were your authentic self, and you said, “that’s a hard limit”, then you would have no concerns about being cut or poked or scratched etc. He might have been disappointed, and he might have made an attempt to negotiate. He might share that his way of engaging in knife play may not be about cutting you, but instead be about getting you to move for him to avoid being cut, for example, and it may be something you come to try and enjoy and look forward to, but since you pretended to be interested in it, your head never got into subspace during the scene….and so I think that it is best to be authentic. Only agree to things you know you can handle on either side of the slash.

If you are new at kink, there is a lot to consider in negotiating with a play partner. First, are you chatting with someone with the same goal? Is this pickup play, are you thinking longer term? Are you clear what the experience level is? Do you have knowledge of the tools planned to be used? Is there attraction? Are you clear in your thinking? Do you have a friend you are in communication with that knows where you are going and who you are with? Are you negotiating about an evening or a weekend or longer? Does the person with whom you are negotiating scratch your itch? Do they understand what you are seeking exactly? Will there be penetration? Do you require condom use? There are so many details to get right. The main thing is to be in communication so that if a detail gets missed, there is a pathway to resolving the issue.

There comes a decision point in any negotiation. A point where, as a Dom, you get to ask the sub to give you her consent. When I was in this situation with a new potential partner, I would have her go off in private to do a task I requested in order to set the stage. After she made the decision to give her consent, in order to demonstrate that she was in fact giving me her consent, the last step to bring the negotiation to an end and to begin the scene, I would give her a butt plug and lube and send her to the bathroom so she could have one more opportunity to consider what came next, and a chance for her to choose to go forward or not in private without any pressure. She was given the choice to go and insert it, with the instruction to bring me her underwear by way of confirming that she was giving me her consent. I have met with prospective subs where they chose to go forward and sometimes, they chose not to go forward. Kink is as intimate as it gets. If a sub chose not to go forward, I would always honor her choice, no questions asked. She must choose to submit from my point of view. Period.

In the case of negotiating around discipline rather than play, when I negotiate with a sub for hard impact play or brutal punishment as in the context of a discipline where accountability is the issue and sexual contact is not at issue. In this case, I require her to give me her consent on video with her spoken words so that if there was a later dispute, that would be time stamped evidence.

Kink is very exciting, It’s very hot. It’s risky and edgy, and it’s super fun. BUT it’s only those things when both sides of the slash are in full agreement without constraint.

Be smart. Negotiate from a place of complete authenticity, and reach agreements that allow you to play unreservedly. Otherwise, how can you give your consent or accept the consent of your play partner?

Lady Petra Playground

A Kink Relationship Coaching Program offered by Lady Petra and SafferMaster

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Routine Task Lists In Power Exchange Dynamics

January 3, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

This week, I’d like to focus in on a technique that I introduced in my first book, “Uniquely Rika” – The Routine Task List exercise. This exercise has brought a great deal of success for many couples through the years. It originated as a way to help couples establish the activities they would utilize within a Dominant-centric dynamic. The exercise was originally established to accomplish three things:

1) Establish a “To-Do” list of tasks that truly serve the dominant and can be executed without the need for the dominant to ensure, order, and follow up on assignments

2) Ensure that what is being done for a dominant is actually FOR a dominant

3) Share the responsibility of creativity between the partners so that the dominant is not solely burdened with the need to come up with and create things for the submissive to do

As it turns out, the Routine Task List exercise has a couple of far more valuable side-benefits: It teaches the submissive to identify the dominant’s preferences; gives the submissive an understanding of why something is, or isn’t, considered to be submission to their particular partner; and helps the submissive think about their activities in terms of what the dominant wants. In short, it establishes a structured communication method, within which the submissive learns how to serve their unique dominant. Because of these, it’s a great exercise for beginners and seasoned players alike. In my second book, “Uniquely Us”, you see how several couples have implemented the technique within their dynamics with great results!

The Routine Task List Exercise

The exercise is best described in the books, but here goes the abridged version:

1) The sub is to prepare a list of 10 items that the sub believes the dominant will feel are service to them.

• The list should be prepared on a regular schedule. Many couples start at once a week. It’s best to establish a set time to prepare a written list.

• The list should contain things that the submissive feels is going to be received by the dominant as submission to them. It’s not a list of things that the sub wants to do, it’s a list of things that the sub thinks the dominant would want. This caveat is what makes the exercise so useful for establishing the definition of submission for that dominant – because the submissive is forced to think like the dominant.

• The submissive should create this list on their own, based on their understanding of the dominant’s preferences.

2) The dominant reviews the list and triages it into three categories and explains why each item fell into each category:

• Things that the dominant feels are really submission to them – that they would want to have done on a regular basis

• Things that the dominant feels are really more for the submissive – and although the dominant likes to see the submissive happy and will get pleasure from making the sub happy, are not actually submission for them

• Things that the dominant does not like and does not want to do

The important part of all of this, is that dominant needs to take the time to explain WHY each item from the list ends up in the bucket it does. It’s equally important to explain to the sub what it is about a specific task that is submission to the dominant and made it to the list – as it is to explain why something did not make the task list.

3) The dominant assigns the triaged items that meet the criteria:

• The things that make the first category, are given a frequency and are added to the submissive’s “Task List”. The frequency can be something like, “Every day”, “Once a week”, “Whenever I shower”, “At meals”, “When I enter the room”, etc. These items are put on the submissives list and the submissive is to execute the tasks on the scheduled times without the need for provocation, reminder, etc. It’s the sub’s responsibility to meet the schedule.

• Things in the second category are taken under advisement by the dominant as things that can be given as treats/gifts during playtime. They do not make the task list. The dominant should be quite particular about what makes it to the task list…if it’s not really service to the dominant…that is, if it’s not FOR the dominant, then it doesn’t make the list.

• Things that are in the third category are removed and will not be done.

If the submissive gets 5 or more items accepted to the list, they’ve done a good job. The goal, of course, is to get a perfect 10 for 10. If the sub gets less than 5 items on the list, then they should go back and try again that same week…armed with the understanding they’ve accumulated via the feedback. Otherwise, the sub executes the (now grown) task list and begins to think of things for the next week’s list.

After a few weeks of this, the sub gets pretty good at understanding what is and what isn’t considered to be submission to this dominant…and should begin to get better at predicting and getting more and more items added to the list. The end result is an increasing list of pre-scheduled tasks that the sub is performing on a regular basis, that truly provide submission to the unique dominant.

The list is designed to contain routine tasks – to be executed according to the schedule, by the submissive, without the need for the dominant to monitor or command execution. This simplifies the dominant’s life – while providing services that meet their needs.

John’s Attestation

As I mentioned, many couples with whom I’ve worked, have used this technique with a great deal of success. Earlier in 2020, the submissive of one of those couples posted his account in my FetLife Rika’s Lair discussion group. I’ve reproduced it here with his permission:

Hi folks! I wanted to chime in here to talk about the Task List Exercise. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m John – of Liz and John in Rika’s second book. We started the Task List Exercise when Liz introduced me to Rika’s methodology. I was a bit skeptical at first (with the whole methodology, as well as the exercise), but Liz was into it…and to see her excited by anything having to do with being my dominant was, as the song goes, simply irresistible!

I remember how I thought my first list was perfection…and it turned out to be AWFUL. In it, I spelled out what I felt submission was, being sure to list the kinky activities that Liz and I had done in our previous playtime that she liked. Turns out, she enjoyed my reaction to those kinds of things, but serving her – in her mind – was a much different experience. It was, looking back, all about me: What I would allow her to do to me. Only one item from my first list made it to the routine list.

She sat me down and explained why these things, although enjoyable, were not going to be considered to be submission to her. That we will likely do some of those things, because they’re fun, but they were not making their way to the list – which was to define service TO HER.

I remember feeling that she had been fed a dose of poison and that we were losing every chance of having a deep D/s dynamic. I was pretty pissed at Rika, frankly. But Liz was not moving. She would not budge from what she wanted. She sets expectations in a way that wasn’t asking me, it was telling me. She basically said I was doing this, or I wasn’t doing anything – that to serve her meant she got to set what service means. In other words, she was being dominant! On the surface, I didn’t like where she was taking this – but at my core, I loved that she was demanding that I comply. I did.

Fast forward about 6 months: I was 10 for 10 on my task list almost every week and had a routine list of over 200 items. They were small items, but there were a lot of them! It was more than I could handle, frankly. We both recognized that we were fast approaching my limit. Rika advised us to prune the list. To remove things that Liz could live without. She also recommended that we review the list monthly, rather than weekly. We got the list to [a] manageable 160 items, some of them daily, some weekly, some in certain circumstances.

Around two months into this process, I started to realize that I FELT MORE submissive than I had ever felt in our playtime. I was truly serving Liz and Liz was feeling truly dominant. She was also giving me lots of treats. I didn’t feel like I was going without what I enjoyed – I just knew that when Liz gave me something that she knew I liked, it was not submission, but rather a gift – and I was so very thankful for it.

We’re many years into our dynamic now – we don’t visit the task list on a regular basis anymore. It changes when Liz wants it to change. It is, however, always in play. I am her servant, heart and soul, and love every moment of it. I find that my tastes and desires have changed and are almost in complete lock step with Liz’s. It’s not that I can read her mind, but I’m thinking like her now. I’ve embodied her tastes and preferences and find myself acting in accordance with them, without having to try.

Rika’s system works. This task list is just the beginning, but it’s an important first component. Try it out…I strongly recommend it. And to the dominants: Be REALLY strict about what makes it onto your list. Make sure it REALLY serves YOU if you allow it. The other things you can still do, but not as part of this list. This list is about YOU.

Wrapping it Up

Communication is, by far, the most important element of success for couples establishing, or continuing their D/s dynamics. The Routine Task List exercise provides an excellent vehicle to enable greater communication. It’s particularly effective because it engages the submissive’s mind – challenging the submissive to internalize the dominant’s definition of submission. When submissives begin to consistently create lists that triage a perfect 10 for 10, the couple can be certain that the submissive has truly embraced the dominant’s definition of submission. Over time, that definition can change – and the Routine Task List assures that the submissive stays with the course.

Try the technique. For more info, read the books. I think you’ll find that they will help your dynamic regardless of how “seasoned” or “newbie” yours is!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Gynosupremacy, The Internet, and The Loss of Individuality

December 27, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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My brain-dump of the day started with a response to a question about whether the dominant women in our group have their submissives serve “all women” with whom they come in contact; to yield to women as superiors and to enslave themselves by virtue of gender.

I had heard this concept before, and had always thought of it as a male fantasy. I had always assumed that the allure of every woman being their superior; the thought that they were “under” every woman – was an imagery men craved. It just struck me as a convenient way for men to live in a titillated state throughout the day and, frankly, to push their kink onto unsuspecting – and non-consenting women. However, I was surprised to find that some of the women in the room not only had given that very order to their submissives, but truly believed in gynosupremacy.

I questioned those that had ordered their subs to treat all women as superiors as to whether the idea was theirs or their submissive’s. Most either admitted that the guy had been first to recommend it, or that they couldn’t recall who suggested it first…that it just kind of “became a thing.” However, there were a couple of women who proudly stated that it was their original directive. I questioned their rationale. The discussion became lively.

I had addressed the concept of “supremacy” in my books before that discussion and started down the logic trail. For me, submission is a dedication to an individual and I feel that when you generalize based on a trait, you lose individuality. I related it to feeling commoditized by gender-related bias. I posited:

“Can you see how a blanket statement about women in general being superior, makes none of us special? I’m not just a woman. What is it about ME that makes someone want to submit TO ME? As opposed to any other women, for example? Am I just the most convenient woman around right now? If not me, will the next woman do? Is what makes me special that I have a vagina – and am willing to allow someone to serve me? No thank you!

The notion that someone’s gender is all that’s necessary to warrant submission dilutes the value of that submission. Submission is a dynamic between two people, not between two genders. Furthermore, if you define gender as an identity, then are we implying that, if someone identifies as a man, they are not superior – but if they decide to identify as a woman, they are? I’m sorry, but that would confuse me!”

I think it’s safe to assume that, when we look at women and men as individuals, rather than as generalized men and women, we see their strengths and weaknesses. There are individual character traits that could make someone a very good, or a very poor dominant – or a very good, or a very poor submissive, irrespective of their gender. It’s not the existence or lack of existence of a “Y” chromosome (or one’s gender identity) that makes someone dominant or submissive. All men are really NOT alike…nor are all women. I know many women who I would follow anywhere – and others who I would never follow … EVER.

I started asking about the nature of their dynamics. Surprisingly, a majority had online relationships with their submissives. Many of the relationships in the room were either completely limited to the internet, or predominantly remote with occasional real-life interaction.

That then got me going on the impact of the digital world on individuality. I started to consider that the number of relationships people establish (at all levels of seriousness and of all relationship types) with people they have never, or seldom met – and don’t really know, is growing due to the internet. It brings people with similar interests together and improves the efficiency of the compatibility filtering process. Additionally, the allure of anonymity is strong, particularly for people exploring an “edge” interest. But this remoteness is a double-edged sword. The worlds of reality and fantasy blend on the internet. You’re never really certain who you’re with – as there are few immediate repercussions to your actions.

I began to wonder if the notion that “all women are worthy of submission” stems, in part, from being able to interact with people without knowing them. Does the internet make a partner easier to sculpt in general terms – and to create an image of a person that matches your fantasy? I think it’s pretty clear that it does.

In fact, I believe this image-creation phenomenon is also largely to blame for the number of men who believe that a woman will jump at the opportunity to dominate them, just because they’re willing to be dominated. If you’re a dominant woman with an online identity, you’ve very likely been approached, multiple times, by men who have already decided to submit to you, without knowing you at all – and then, who are hurt if you don’t want them to serve you without getting to know one another!

I’m also certain that there are a number of you reading this today, who have been disappointed – or even hurt – when the imagery presented online and the reality of present-relationships don’t match. Or when you yourself don’t seem to live up to the imagery that was projected onto you.

Part of the allure – and the primary reason for the failure – of the internet for creating relationships is that partners become commodities. You live in the fantasy of your imagination for a period of time, and when that burns out, you move on to the next online partner. Imagining that every woman is a superior – or that every male is an underling – is a generalization that is highly supported by the way the online world masks our individuality.

I find generalizations, as a rule, to be troublesome (irony intended). I find the notion of supremacy (in any flavor: Female, Male, Black, White, etc.) particularly distasteful on many levels. I am an individual. I want to be treated as an individual and I want to receive my due based on the merits of who I am, how I think, and what I do. If someone wants to submit to me, they had better be prepared to explain what it is about ME that compels you to make that type of commitment. What separates me from all others like me. If they’re going to submit, they will submit to what’s between my ears, not what’s between my legs!

The Pros And Cons Of Contracts

December 19, 2020 By Ms. Rika 5 Comments

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I was recently involved in a conversation regarding the use of Slavery Contracts within a dynamic. I thought it would be an interesting discussion to start here in Rika’s Lair.

Do you need a contract to establish a meaningful power dynamic? Of course not. Will it help? That depends on the people writing the contract; how much clarity they need; how realistic they are in creating it; and what expectations they have in signing it. There are Pros and Cons.

Contracts are, by design, the formalization of an agreement. In order to come to terms in a contract, both parties need to articulate their objectives of that agreement. For a contract to be complete, there are four key elements: Mutual assent (offer, acceptance, and obligation), adequate consideration, capacity, and legality.

That last condition (Legality) creates the first conundrum: There are no LEGAL slavery contracts in most countries around the world today. No matter how much you want to, you can’t sign yourself, legally, into being someone else’s property. It’s not so much the property part, but rather, a contract cannot bind someone into doing something that’s illegal. Slavery is illegal…so, even if you are willing sign yourself away to be someone else’s possession, the paper is meaningless in a court of law. They simply will not recognize that agreement and it will be void. Period.

However, many see value in contracts. The discussion today, therefore, is how can there be value in a contract, when we all know that it’s void and unenforceable?

We’ve already pointed out that legality is not going to happen here and I am assuming people engaging in this type of activity are of legal age and mental state to make the agreement (Capacity / capability) … so what’s left is for the contract to articulate the terms of offer, acceptance, obligation, and consideration.

Power dynamics are, of course, the result of a power-transfer agreement. Power dynamics, in general will benefit from adequate, up-front, descriptions and communications of the terms of the agreement. Both parties need to understand what is being transferred; why; and what obligations the agreement brings.

The Pros

We’ve all seen that the common-known terms thrown about in BDSM and D/s literature are poorly defined and are seldom standardized. What one person means by “Dominance”, “Submission”, “Service”, “Slavery”, “Tasks”, “Reward”, “Punishment”, etc. does not necessarily mean the same thing to another. Anything we can do that aids in this communication and clarification is going to give the agreement a better chance at longevity and fulfillment. When we write, we force our brains to organize our thoughts and to clarify concepts. Using a contract to clarify terms, in detail, will help communications. The obligations and limitations under which each partner is going to operate within the power dynamic needs to be articulated clearly. Even if the contract isn’t legally worth the paper it’s written on, there might be value in helping to communicate the power agreement more clearly.

Another positive aspect of writing a contract, is that they’re really fun to sign. There’s something exciting about drafting the terms of a power dynamic, and putting one’s name on the line. We can visualize images of the scene from “Venus in Furs”, when Wanda guided the hand of Severin as he nervously watched his name appear on their contract. The notion of formalizing the commitment, even if it’s meaningless, is titillating. You can make an event out of the signing, complete with pomp and circumstance, and seal the deal with a random act of kinky fun. There’s benefit to that.

The Cons

There are some downsides to slavery contracts: The first, and most obvious, problem occurs when people try to rely on the contract to enforce their power dynamic. The paper is legally worthless, it’s the commitment that matters. So, pointing to the paper for enforcement doesn’t work. Both parties know the terms are unenforceable. Ultimately, you’re dependent on each other’s mutual commitment to the dynamic. That’s where you need to put your focus – not on some piece of paper.

Other problems occur when people pack so much detail into a contract, that they don’t leave room for any flexibility or spontaneity. In my second book, “Uniquely Us”, I described Sean and Dave’s “The Book” that described, in detail, every interaction they were able to predict and how they agreed to handle it. They had a ceremony signing the contracts and lived by “The Book” for a while. The problem was, situations changed, reality struck, family issues, job issues – tastes changed. The book had to be updated to reflect the changes in their lives. It required too much energy to maintain and The Book eventually fell out of importance. It eventually became a paperweight.

The last problem I see, is that “consideration” can be abused. As those of you who’ve read my books and articles already know, I try to avoid anything that will obligate me as a dominant. My sub’s job is to serve my preferences, not the other way around. It’s not that I don’t fulfill my sub’s preferences (and respect their limits), but I do not want to OBLIGATED by anything other than my natural responsibilities as their partner in our relationship. Contracts require “Consideration” – which technically means something of adequate value given in return for the offer. Therefore, the dominant is obligated by the contract to provide something in return for accepting the sub’s offer of submission. In my opinion, this can offset the imbalance of power – particularly if the sub is requiring things that they want, that don’t serve the dominant.

Conclusion

I generally don’t use contracts in my dynamics – at least ones that are written down. However, I have used them sparingly – and will sometimes recommend them for some of the couples with whom I’ve worked, where I believe it will help. When I do, I recommend a few ground rules:

• First: Don’t take the contract seriously. It’s a great form of communication, use it that way • Don’t think this is a binding agreement. It isn’t

• The process of making the contract is more important than the contract itself. Consider creating it together, even if you don’t sign it, and then throw it away

• Don’t feel that you need to have a legitimately constructed contract. You are starting out knowing that the contract is missing “Legality”; it can miss other aspects of proper construction as well. For example, it doesn’t NEED to have a Consideration section. It does not need to stipulate obligation for the dominant. The contract can be as one-sided as the power transfer

• Lastly: Keep the details at a level that helps the communication, but is also open-ended and flexible. Don’t try to pack EVERYTHING into a contract. After working with me, Dave and Sean re-created a contract (because that worked for them) and it was less than one page long. It simply stated their intents and committed a clear power transfer. It did not require maintenance and still served its purpose. They continue to live by it, today

It’s important to communicate your vision of your dynamic and to assure your partner has a clear understanding of what it entails to you. You might find a contract helpful in communication and clarification of that vision. Also, it might be a fun, kinky, exercise to document your power dynamic and sign it in ceremony; with pomp and circumstance. If you do choose to use a contract, take the commitment to each other that it documents seriously, but the contract itself is just a communication tool – don’t make it the center of importance.

Consensual, BSDM Psychological Torture

December 12, 2020 By PirateStan 2 Comments

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It’s said that torture is an unreliable way to get information, that people will tell you anything to get it to stop. Back in 2004 we discovered that torture was being used on prisoners at the Guantanamo Bay Interment Camp. It was a huge scandal; The American people were very upset that we would do something so blatantly against the Geneva Convention’s rules on the treatment of prisoners. That’s the sort of thing our enemies do, not us.

So yeah, using torture to extract information from someone is bad. Let’s just get that out of the way right here at the beginning.

But there are some times where torture is good, particularly when you use it to tease, torment, and tantalize a willing submissive. Because it’s not just about causing them physical pain, but emotional pain as well. But, y’know, in a good way.

It’s certainly not for everyone. Many people wouldn’t want to inflict this sort of torment on someone, whether they consent or not, Others wouldn’t want it done to them, for a variety of reasons.

But when done right, with the right people, they can make for a truly intense, emotionally fulfilling scene. It’s like a roller coaster, that thrill of danger without it being actually dangerous, only safer (seriously, do a search on roller coaster accidents and deaths; you’ll probably never get on one again).

So what constitutes this sort of scene?

Generally, it’s any scene that has as much of a psychological component as a physical one. Many Doms do this to some degree during a scene; think of a blindfolded girl who doesn’t know what toy’s going to be used on her next, a Dom tormeting her with one she’s especially afraid of, or threatening to hit where he knows she hates getting hit (but isn’t a hard limit).

Then there’s what’s generally known as predicament bondage; a tied-up girl made to send a certain text message, a gagged one having to make herself understood by Alexa, or being made to stand on your toes while nipple clamps are attached above her (forcing her to choose between the pain in her feet and calves or that in her nipples).

But a full-blown torture/torment/psychological scene involves more than that. It involves getting inside a girl’s head and using her fears, anxiety, dread and, sometimes, triggers against them, but all within the bounds of consent and negotiation.

Obviously this qualifies as advanced play, and should never be done with someone you don’t know well. When done wrong you can inflict some serious damage on someone’s psyche, and those wounds don’t have a tendency to fade away like a bad bruise.

Y’know, rather than just continue with broad vagaries, I’m simply going to describe a good psych scene I had recently with a girl I’ve known for a long, long time and add notes along the way. Sound good? Okay, here goes…

The four of us (my household) myself, my girl, my dear friend, and his girl (who’s also a dear friend) decided to escape our COVID 19 quarantime by renting a house on the ocean for a week, to eat bad food, drink lots of wine, enjoy the ambiance and (oh yeah) engage in more than a bit of debauchery.

Midway through the week my friend’s girl (MFG) had the scene in question.

We’ve played together several times, so I know what she likes and, more importantly, what she likes that her top isn’t inclined towards (which is generally the reason why you have a scene with another). She loves impact play, loves bruises, but also enjoys being controlled and (more specifically) enjoys being tied up very tightly.

I also know that she has a number of physical limitations that need to be taken into account; she can’t stand for long periods of time, nor can her joints take any of the more extreme bondage positions, particularly her arms.

So my checklist is; secure, tight bondage; domination and control, impact play that will leave bruises; no standing.

I began by telling her to strip. “Completely?” she asked.

“What else does strip mean?” I responded, knowing she hated being entirely nude (although it was not hard limit). She has a beautiful body, so this was pure pleasure from my perspective, particularly as I knew it made her feel particularly vulnerable.

Realizing there are a number of stout kitchen chairs available, I decided to utilize one. Over the next 20 minutes or so I proceeded to secure her to it, hands at her sides. I used leather mittens to secure her hands under the chair, straps to secure her to the side rungs, straps above-and-below her breasts, another at her waist. I use another to secure her hips to the seat, two more to secure her ankles to the legs and, finally, two at her upper thighs attached to the back of the chair, keeping her legs spread very wide and leaving her very exposed.

Ahead of this I’d placed a very efficient padded blindfold, and finished by buckling a ballgag (not a terribly severe one as she can’t wear that; still, it muffled her speaking delightfully).

Oh wait, I forgot; we’d worked out safe words and gestures that she could effectively communicate while secured like this. Since this sort of bondage is my thing, I’ve got that part down pat.

I next proceeded to sit down on the very comfortable couch, put my feet up, pull out my phone and tell her, “Okay, you’ve got five minutes to get loose. If you don’t, that means you want my worst, right?”

As she muttered something incomprehensible I split my attention between the New York Times and her, watching as she … well… essentially sat still. Oh, her head moved around a lot, and her right foot wriggled around (I’d not secured it as well as I should have) but, ultimately, she could barely move. At all.

This, she told me later, made her feel extremely helpless, as it was very clear that I could do anything I wanted and she had no way to stop me… not even to move out of the way. She was both utterly terrified and thrilled at the same time.

For my main implement of destruction I’d chosen a thin wooden paddle, about 4 cm wide and 38 cm long. I’ve found it’s extremely painful and I’m able to use it with pinpoint accuracy. It also leaves wonderful bruises.

I began by running the paddle over her body, threatening different body parts. “If you don’t want to get hit there, simply move it out of the way,” I taunted.

After a few minutes of this I began to follow through, actually smacking her in the places I was threatening (starting lighter of course, before working my way up in intensity). Several minutes later I stopped.

I sat down and played on my phone again. I knew she didn’t have a clue when I might be back or even if I was still in the room. She struggled around some more, this time with more than a bit more desperation.

I repeated this several more times, each time more with more intense and harder smacks. I began to increasingly taunt her, threatening to hit a given area, telling her to prepare, then doing nothing. Or I’d threaten one area then engage in a fusillade of smacks to everywhere but that area… before pausing and finishing at the initial place I’d threatened.

After 20 minutes of this her right leg was shaking uncontrollably. She had, of course, been acting increasingly terrified as the scene progressed. Meanwhile, I’d checked in regularly and she always gave me a clear, encouraging nod, as well as a gagged “uh-huh”.

Which is, of course, the heart of the matter. She was allowing herself to be terrified precisely because she knew she was absolutely safe. It was the theme park thrill ride, only with bondage and beatings. Her catharsis was palpable.

After a little over a half hour I’d decided she’d had enough; she’s notorious for never tapping out, and I can read her pretty well. I went with my general rule of thumb that it’s better to leave someone wanting more than going too far.

While I removed her blindfold and gag first, I untied her from the chair slowly, letting her relax as well as relish the return of her mobility to each limb. Afterwards, I helped her over to the couch, wrapped her in a blanket, and held her as she recovered. She was in a state of bliss, completely wrung out like a wet noodle, but in a good way.

The next day she proudly showed off the many, many bruises I’d left her with, some of which were rather pronounced. Many pictures were taken.

All in all it was a very successful scene, bringing together those necessary elements of negotiation, understanding, preparedness, and improvisation. In particular, those elements of torment or “mind fuckery” were carefully plotted out, designed to bring her to a place of maximum psychological torment.

Of course, what worked with her may not work with someone else. I’ve done many such scenes with a variety of gals, some more successful than others. The better you know the person you’re topping, and the more creative you are, the better the scene.

This sort of psychological torture scene isn’t for everyone. But for those who enjoy and appreciate them, they can be quite the satisfyingly heady brew.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.

The Ins And Outs Of Service Topping

December 5, 2020 By Joji Sada 3 Comments

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I cannot speak for anyone reading this but living during a Pandemic has had a serious impact on my BDSM time. While I am one of the lucky ones who lives with their partners, the lack of social interaction has pushed against my abilities to get into the proper headspace for play. One of the things I look forward to every year is party season. Since I live in Idaho, the last week of May to the first week of September is our party season. Otherwise, it is too cold, too wet, and far too snowy to be able to play.

Parties are intensely euphoric. The amount of people, the adrenaline, the excitement, and the play itself, usually lend to a high spike of dopamine. It also leads to some of the heaviest drops I have ever experienced. Those drops can (and are) made worse because Master is a Service Top, and I am an empath.

So, since we are unable to lay you on our table, I wanted to share a behind the scenes look at what a party looks like for us as well as the aftermath of our time with you.

Fittingly enough, our parties have been held in the upper level of a barn for a couple of years now. As odd as it is to have a trip of goats below us, you stop noticing it by the time the party begins. You walk up two flights of narrow stairs, and you are facing an empty floor. Well, you would be, had we not been there three hours before the door open to set up. Straight ahead from the stairs, against the farthest wall, is a hand-built St. Andrews Cross. Next to it is a folding table with some of the toys we keep for the public to use. At the other end of the same wall, is a Rope Spider Web. It stands just shy of seven feet tall and is wide enough to put two people on at once. Next to that, hangs more public toys. It is a variety of floggers, canes, paddles, and even a nice strip of Firehose (for the adventurous type of course). Right underneath the hanging toys is the sawhorses. Master converted them from garage use to play use. They are painted black and red (his colors) and the top has been fashioned with a removable cushion (so they remain useable in the off season). On a side note, the force of that strip of fire hose will produce enough force to push your ass off the front of the horse….it is quite hilarious.

Then we have the fencing. Out here, Littles and pets are quite common. So, we fenced off a section for them, that has blankets, pillows, stuffies, crayons, and coloring books. It also works well as a place to recover during aftercare.

The next spot is a table with melted wax and another with a stereo. Due to the setting (i.e. in a barn), we paint the melted wax on with brushes. It allows us to both be artistic and keep a relatively clean area. The stereo is there to set the mood and often helps keep some of the scenes more intimate since it blocks the overlay of multiple conversations (and cries of pain/ecstasy).

And lastly, right at the edge of the stairs, stands two built-in tables. Laid on the table is three wands and several cases of implements that lend well to Electrical play. We have the light bulbs for those unsure of their interests (since bulbs are generally light feeling—like bubbles on the skin). Then there are metal kitchen utensils, cat claws, chains, knives, and a variety of other items that will honestly intimidate most people. It is both a creative and impressive layout. (and yes, each bit must be taken up by either myself or Master—then again, who are we kidding, it is taken up and set up by me).

Draped in a white sheet, is the massage table. Though comfortable, it can easily be converted with straps to hold you still and leave you feeling quite electrified. Pun absolutely intended.

This leaves the center of the loft space for interacting with others, class/educational space, a place to spectate, or additional room for floggings and spankings.

Parties take months to prepare for. If you ever get to go to one, please thank your host. They have done far more behind the scenes than you will ever be aware of.

The parties we had planned this year (before the pandemic) were planned right after party season of 2019 ended. We had planned a Luau, Pirate themed, Halloween in July, Leo and Leopards, and a Leather and Lace party.

Sounds like a lot of fun. And I am sure it would have been. But we know how that turned out.

Generally, our parties have a turnout of 20-50 people. Our August and September parties are by far the largest.

With that said, I want to give you an idea of what a party of that magnitude leads to often: Service Topping.

The term itself has a few different meanings. I am going to stick to what it means to us.

Service Top: a person who Tops another individual, whom they do not have a power exchange with, in a scene.

Due to Master being one of the few who does Electrical play in our area (and the only one with as extensive a collection of implements), people will often come to the party to get a tasting.

Tasting: a short, introductory scene that allows people to try something new in a safe environment (as a reminder, we do not include sex in any tasting, nor do we play with anyone who has had a mind-altering substance such as alcohol or drugs).

This generally means a 5-15-minute scene that starts off exceptionally light and only occasionally gets more intense.

There are a few of us who ended up with a Sadistic scene the first time…but those were exceptions to the rules. Back then, before I was with Master, I laid on his table and I made two mistakes once I realized I couldn’t feel any of the lighter zaps: first, I laughed (at a Sadist) and second, I asked if that was all he had (again, to a Sadist). What followed was one hell of a good scene. Apparently, tastings are just not my cup of eletrici-TEA.

I know, my puns are terrible. I hope you snickered anyway. I’m here all day.

There is one major factor of Service Topping that no one ever talks about. The fact is, you only get short scenes. That means that you most often do not hit Dom space, are up and down with energy highs, and are utterly fucking exhausted by the end of it.

For example, Master usually gives tastings for several hours at a time. One right after the other. So, over time, Master and I have developed a routine. I negotiate with the next person as he works on the current one. I let them know the rules, how fabric interacts with electricity, screen the health questions, and verify the limits. Then I relay the information and while I wipe down his gear and table, he connects with the one I’ve just negotiated with, introduces himself, verifies the information I told him, and helps them onto his table.

I keep watch on everything happening. Electricity can burn skin. This means that even a light tasting can leave you covered in marks. Master always rubs them down with burn gel (to prevent any issues), asks if they need anything, and then I check in on them later in the party. You can never be too careful, and I find some people are just more comfortable talking to a submissive.

I also keep an eye on Master. When you have a line of people waiting to be on your table, you rarely get a moment for yourself. That means that I may bring cold drinks, a wet cloth, or food up to his table and remind him that he needs to take a few minutes to rest. It will not help anyone if he ends up on the floor from exhaustion.

We are a good team. He plays with and takes care of others while I take care of him.

Its my favorite part of the night.

Of course, that could be the voyeur in me.

While I may help instruct people on a basic flogging or rope harness, I am not a Service Top. Out here, in our community, they are few and far between. I was lucky enough to corner Master and get a few questions answered. Most of these are questions that have been asked by members of our community out here. I’d like to share them with you.

What is a service top?

Someone, at an event or party, who is there to give tastings of kinky play to many individuals. Generally, play lasts around 5-15 minutes.

How long have you been a service Top?

8 or 9 years

What is your favorite thing to do as a service top?

Electrical play (I should specify that Master also does impact play and fire play)

How do you negotiate?

I let my subbie do it. She knows the questions and gives me the answers. It saves time. It is general questions. Are you pregnant? Any medical devices in the body? Any metal in the body? Any areas you do not want touched? Have you done this before?

Do you follow up on people who are on your table?

I try to. It depends on the person’s reaction and how intense we played.

Do you prefer in depth/longer scenes or tastings?

Depends on my mindset.

Do you develop favorites to play with?

Yes. There are some that I enjoy their reactions and if they come back to my table, it is fun to play again.

Do you find it harder to abide by limits since you play with so many people?

Yes. I will ask someone to remind me again, even if we have played before. Just to make sure I stay within their consent.

Why do you service top?

I enjoy being able to introduce people to new sensations. Something they may not otherwise try

What do you get out of it?

The enjoyment of introducing someone to something new. Introducing the possibility of a new kink

Is the drop different when you service top?

Yes. You are dealing with so many people. More exhausting. Longer recovery time. It is often hours of nonstop play as a service top versus a shorter one on one scene

What do you wish people knew about service topping?

Most Service Tops do not have time for aftercare. It is something that should be in place by the person before we play.

Service Tops generally specialize in one area. We know other types of play, but we have what we do best.

Service Tops need taken care of too. We do this rollercoaster of adrenaline rush and then a drop. Up and down. For four to ten hours. I have done as many as forty people in a single night. There is little time between scenes. Especially since electrical is edge play that isn’t often seen where we are at.

I hope this has given you a little more insight into Service Topping. Please keep in mind that what happens in “pick-up play” varies from dungeon to dungeon. But I hope that should someone take the time to give you a tasting or even something you’ve been craving, that you remember what they go through in a single night. It takes just a moment to thank a Service Top.

My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Tantric BDSM

November 28, 2020 By Erica Suarez-Hillingdon 2 Comments

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You may be familiar with tantra and/or BDSM. However, as a whole concept, tantric BDSM is gaining more and more popularity.

While it’s easy to assume that tantra and BDSM are world’s apart, you may have practised tantric BDSM without even realising it. So, how do these two entities fuse together as one? In this article, we’re going to delve deeper into this exciting practice and share our ultimate tantric and BDSM tips so you and your partner can get started.

Polarity and Presence

While many people associate Tantra with tantric sex, its practice is rooted in spiritual meanings and the connection with the inner self. For those who participate in BDSM, it’s often assumed that pleasure is driven by dominance, submission, bondage and other experiences.

The reality is that many want to take BDSM further by understanding its link to spirituality. As an emerging practice, Tantric BDSM fuses an erotic state of consciousness to work with energy polarity.

Both Tantra and BDSM require you to be in the present moment, whether that’s performed as the giving or receiving of pleasure without focusing on achieving climax, or being fully present as the dominator for the submissive to surrender. Being present in these moments constitutes polarity – this is what creates an erotic experience.

Tips for Tantric BDSM

Want to get started with Tantric BDSM? Here are our top tantric and BDSM tips so you can create your own erotic experience.

Give or receive?

Do you prefer to give or receive? Maybe you love doing both? You don’t necessarily need to be one or the other. You can be submissive and still enjoy giving, and vice versa. Try both roles with your partner to explore what you enjoy.

Let go of limitations

Forget any limitations regarding your sexuality or gender. These are no rules when it comes to tantric BDSM so relax and enjoy the experience without feeling any shame.

Talk beforehand

Consent plays an important part in both the practice of tantra and BDSM. Before you begin your tantric BDSM session, talk to your partner about each other’s boundaries and what you want to explore. You may also talk about your intentions – what do you want to get out of the session? Maybe you want to find new ways of pleasure or discover new ways to relax. You don’t need to make a step-by-step plan, after all this about bringing excitement into your sex life.

Trust yourself

Some people find the prospect of tantric BDSM daunting. Discomfort with your sexuality often builds up over years and it requires time to change this. Remember to have patience with yourself and to be open to exploration. Why not share your fantasies with your partner and explore them together?

Be present

Focusing on the outside world can prevent you from truly being in the moment. Tantric BDSM requires you to be very much in the present. One of the most effective ways to do this is to focus on your breath. This also helps you to tune into yourself and your partner, providing deeper spiritual healing.

Create a safe space for surrender

While it’s helpful to know your intentions for tantric BDSM, being open to all possibilities enables you to be fully present in the experience. Chasing pleasure can mean we’re not fully immersed in the practice of tantric BDSM – keep your mind open and be fully relaxed knowing you’re in a safe space with your partner.

Create a space free from distractions

A calming space, free from any distractions presents an opportunity to focus on the present. Within tantra, that’s often achieved with dimmed lighting, soft sheets and scented candles. If that helps you to get into the mood, then feel free to re-create a romantic ambience. Remember, BDSM tools are used to keep you in the present moment, as well as being a means of flowing sexual energy.

Merging the Sexual Spectrum: The Benefits of Tantric BDSM

Tantric BDSM is a wonderful practice for anyone looking to have a little more excitement in their love life. Here are just some of the amazing benefits of a Tantric BDSM experience:

Connect with your spiritual side
Enjoy a relaxing and refreshing experience
Bring some fun into your sex life
Form a deeper connection to your partner
Become more confident in the bedroom
Develop more self-confidence
Help to unblock any sexual frustrations

Consider Using A Tantra Specialist

Now you know how to get started with Tantric BDSM and are aware of its incredible benefits, why don’t you use a highly trained specialist to assist you in the bedroom. Karma Tantric provides the most experienced practitioners in London to help you get the very best out of your Tantric BDSM experience. Visit us now to find out more about our impeccable services.

Erica Suarez-Hillingdon is a sex therapist and expert on everything related to tantra, tantric sex, and tantric massage. She is the editor at Karma Tantric, London’s premier tantric massage agency and writes about how tantra can help men, women, and couples improve their sex lives.

Topping Your Dominant

November 22, 2020 By Dame TylerRose. 2 Comments

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Now and then, someone arrives in my inbox with a conundrum. Their dominant has, out of the blue, asked them to do the topping.

If one is always the bottom, always the submissive, suddenly being asked to do the exact opposite can be a startling prospect. I can easily imagine a deer in headlights expression as their brain freezes on that thought and cannot go forward.

“I don’t know how to hurt him”
“I don’t know that I can.”
“He is my master and I never want to see him in pain–let alone cause it.”

Dominant does not always mean being the top. I’ve said many times that the bottom can be the dominant. I am a dominant sadomasochist. Whether I’m the top or the bottom, I’m the boss.

Service topping is a thing.
Submissive top is a thing.
There’s nothing wrong with either of those things.

In this moment, we are seeing the dominant bottom/submissive top dynamic in action.

First thing’s first. “I don’t know how…” Stop right there. The simplest solution is right in front of you. ASK your dominant to teach you the implements they want you to use on them. There’s nothing to fear in learning how to swing a flogger or a paddle. You’re more likely to hit far too lightly in your initial efforts. The pillow you use for a target won’t really care. For all the “you’ll put out your eye” warnings about single tails, I don’t know anyone who actually has. It’s not that difficult to learn if you learn flogging first. If you’re an impact bottom, zinging yourself now and then is actually a bit of a bonus. Think about how your dominant uses them on you. Apply the techniques to your practice.

Ask your dom to teach you the lines they want you to say. Write out the script if you have to. Practice by yourself in front a mirror until you can say those lines easily. Actors practice their lines. The first few times you do this, you may as well consider yourself an actor. There’s no harm in practicing your script.

“I don’t know that I can” – Once you’ve learned how to handle the implements and say your lines, you’re one transition from doing it to a human being. You know you are capable in the sense of making the paddle work (on a pillow) so you take that big breath and you let the paddle swing to make contact with human flesh. Guaranteed you’ll barely bap the ass, but that’s okay. You’ve gotten past the hardest part. Actually swinging a paddle (or flogger) at a human being.

While you’re engaging in your very first topping scene, your dominant should be coaching and coaxing you along and telling you what you’re doing well and when to go harder.. You know what you can take. You know how hard your ass is hit, how hard the flogger is swung. Build up your force just like your dominant does. At the same time, you’ll build up your confidence.

You have a plethora of technique and experience at your disposal. Use it.

The thing to remember is that you are serving your dominant how they want to be served. Pain is pleasure to the sadomasochist. In pain, there is freedom. You are providing both and learning an entirely new skillset at the same time. There’s certainly nothing wrong about that.

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twentysomething fiction books.

Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/

FB Regular page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseAuthor

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Rewards vs. Recognition In Power Exchange

November 14, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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I’ve written, at length, about my approach when it comes to rewards and punishments. I don’t do either of those. I refer you to my other books for that discussion. However, I’ve also written about how a key responsibility of the dominant is to recognize the submissive’s efforts so that the submissive does not feel alone / abandoned in the dynamic.

Some people have argued that recognition of the submissive’s role and assessment of the quality of the job, is tantamount to a reward for the submissive. They feel that a dominant saying “good job” or “thank you for continuing to serve me” is a reward for their efforts.

I disagree with this notion. It’s true that submissives get pleasure and satisfaction from a dominant’s recognition, however, there is a strong distinction between rewards and recognition.

Though I don’t do rewards, I do a lot of recognition. My subs love that I recognize them and, in fact, recognition is a basic necessity of the dynamic. However the difference that I see, stems from dictionary definitions of the two words.

In my mind, the difference is as follows:

Recognition is personal praise or gratitude for good work and can be given at any time.

Rewards are tied to goals and accomplishments and are generally given up on completion.

I don’t reward goals / accomplishments because top-notch service is expected of my submissives. There is nothing “out of the ordinary” for submissives to work hard and complete a task, assignment, or even anticipate a need extremely well. If I set a goal for a submissive, they strive to achieve it, primarily to please me.

I do however, provide personal praise for their efforts and also will show my gratitude for their continued submission. Note: As in my essay on “Saying Please and Thank You”, I choose to show my gratitude that my submissives continue to choose to serve me each day…as they show theirs to me for allowing them to do so. If a sub does a great job of anticipating something for me, and removes an obstacle before I have to face it, I’m both grateful and generous with my praise.

Just because someone enjoys recognition and gets something out of it (e.g., Pride, sense of accomplishment, and affirmation of the dynamic), doesn’t make it a reward. A reward is linked (in my vernacular), to completion of goals or milestones. Rewards are more: Do this, and get that” – “Get this because you did that”. It’s motivations and incentives.

Herein lies my issue with rewards. I question why a sub would need more motivation / incentive than serving their dominant well and receiving acknowledgment of a job well done. A pleased and satisfied dominant is the objective of their submission, so why would it take anything more or less than that to motivate the best possible service? I’m suspect when that isn’t enough.

Recognition, on the other hand, is one of the most important, and often neglected responsibilities that a dominant takes on in my methodology. Recognizing when your submissive is striving to meet your expectations and fulfill your preferences, is important in letting them know that you’re active and present in the dynamic. It doesn’t take a lot to recognize a sub: Just a “Good job serving me” or an “I see how you did that for me, and I liked it” go a long way. I like to have my sub thank me for doing things for me: A little bit of irony goes a long way. These are really simple, no effort things that just say, “I’m here, I’m present, and I see your effort”.

As far as I’m concerned, recognition is a must. I recognize my subs as often as possible. I prefer higher volume of lower effort recognition. Reward, on the other hand, is unnecessary and often counter productive; as it tends to distract submissives from their ultimate motivation – that of pleasing their dominant by fulfilling their expectations.

How To Tie Up Your Own Breasts

November 1, 2020 By Dame TylerRose. 2 Comments

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I frequently see questions about how to play by one’s self. In this day and age of plague, it’s particularly important to take care of our own needs. I have always been able to do so, not relying on a partner to give me the pleasures I like most.

This article will cover a very simple self-tie for the breasts. This technique is for women who have more pendulous breasts. It’s not fancy. It doesn’t have to be fancy. We’re going for personal pleasure here, not a picture in an art book.

First, get some cheap cotton clothesline from the dollar store. Yes, I’m serious. You don’t need an expensive five dollar foot rope. In fact, the last rope I purchased was on clearance at Staples. You’re not going to be suspending yourself. Just tying up your tits. Cotton clothesline will do just fine.

Some people want to wash it when they get it. Some people don’t. Your choice. While washing, you can dye it as well. Just put liquid or powder dye into a bucket or a gallon size plastic zipper bag and soak it for a couple hours. Rinse, hang over the bathtub to dry if you don’t have a dryer in the house. (I live in NYC. No washer/dryer in the building. I don’t take my rope to the laundromat.)

Take a loose end and hold it under a breast, against your chest plate, so that the loose end is sticking out several inches. Wrap the rope around your breast two or three times, keeping close to the chest plate and laying the rope side by side as you wind outward. Cross over your loose rope once to hold it. You don’t need to knot it. It’ll hold by itself.

At this point, you don’t need to pull the rope very tightly. It will tighten as you go on.

Cross over to the other breast and wrap around the same number of times. Cross back to the first and wrap another two or three times, pulling a little tighter these rounds. Once more on the other side to keep it even.

If you want, you can go around the back of your neck before doing the next round.

You have to decide how solid you want your breasts to be. Bigger breasts will need more passes around to make them solid. Smaller ones will need fewer.

If you want to pass it around your back a few times, go for it. It’s your tie. Do what you want. It won’t get tangled. You won’t need scissors to get yourself out of it.

Around twelve to fifteen passes around each breast is enough to make my breasts fairly solid and balloon-like. Just let go of the rope. I’ve never had it slip loose on me. I just let it hang. Again, no knots.

How long you leave it on is up to you. I don’t like mine to get too discolored. I take a few pics and then engage in a second sensory play.

Using hands, cup and feel your breasts and the shape you’ve made them. Nipple play is going to feel very different. If you want the sensation of someone else stroking and pinching, put on a pair of nitrile or leather gloves. Or use the side of a pencil or wooden spoon.

While you’ve got the wooden spoon out, give your breasts a few light smacks. You might be surprised how much force is needed to give yourself a harsh pain. Use a fork to scratch. I’ve used metal knitting needles to strike them.

If you want to use a dildo, go get it. Or a vibe. Whatever. It’s your play session. No reason you can’t have an orgasm or three.

When you’ve had enough, hold the loose end you let out and unwind. Don’t unwind too fast. There will be releases of pressure as you go, and those can be as enjoyable as the rest of the play.

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TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over 25 fiction books.