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Being Dominant and Being A Dominant-Worlds Apart

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There have been a rash of questions on our educational sites lately similar to the following, “Can a guy become dominant if it doesn’t naturally come to them?”

It’s a good question but needs more context. Too often we see people confusing the difference between a Top (the dominant role during a scene) and being a Dominant, the head of a power exchange relationship. Through conversation, we often find what they mean, is being a Top.

I wrote about this difference some time ago in a shorter article addressing the difference. In it I wrote this short piece and asked the readers to comment and react:

“Just because my personality is dominant, does not make me a Dominant.

Just because I have self-discipline and a dominant personality, does not mean I am a Dominant, or would even be a good one.

Just because I have a submissive, does not mean I am a Dominant.

All of these things are pieces and parts brought together by will, intelligence, need, diligence, consistency, integrity, self-motivation, selflessness and selfishness, and the ability to bond deeply with another person through the development of trust and the vulnerability of emotional connection. Using all of the aforementioned to develop a skill set which enables a person to show they are able to take on the committed role and can be trusted. Giving the submissive an opportunity to be as the title implies.

It is a web of factors which takes time, patience, practice, and guidance to form a larger whole.

Anyone can call themselves anything, but until they realize it is much more than any one or two things culminating in being a Dominant, they will only ever be dominant. There is a difference.”

All Hell Broke Loose

As you can imagine, there were some very strong opinions which came out of this conversation. Everything from dominants are born not made, dominants can be made even if they never leaned that way before etc. etc. It seemed like everyone had an opinion as to how someone inclined becomes properly a Dominant.

Lacking was discussion on what might actually contribute to someone being a successful dominant. Out of the hundred or so replies there were exactly zero about a dominant’s make up, only argument about what was properly a Dominant or not. It was at the very least disheartening. 

It was then I determined to write about what, in my opinion, really contributed to being a Dominant, not merely dominance. It wound up being 14 articles, with the Dominant’s Creed as its basis to give readers a baseline to follow. Some of that I am regurgitating here in this piece.

At the Center

I think nothing happens in this lifestyle which does not include the core of a person. Who they are underneath it all. Stripping away the façade of titles, costumes, toys, and the persona they may put on for others. In the end, whether they have a chance to be successful rests with them being a good person or not. Nothing more complicated than that. Regardless of the type of dynamic there are some commonalities which allow us to be that which we seek in kink.

Integrity and honesty, empathy and compassion, maturity and thoughtfulness, self-confidence and self-awareness, internal drive and motivation are among the many traits combined into a successful cocktail which enables others to see us as a potential Dominant. Because without a sub-type who wants our dominance, what good is it. First, they need to say yes.

Without that initial spark to which they are attracted in that submissive way, we are a rowboat without paddles.

If we happen to fake the funk and get someone to accept us and we are not a good person? Eventually it is going to melt down. People will get hurt emotionally, and possibly physically. The relationship will end simply because we have not taken the time to work on ourselves and become prepared to be that Dominant. 

Sure there are plenty of submissives out there who could spell disaster for us because they may not be a good person. However, we are not in control of them, only ourselves. There is not point in duping someone, or waiting till after a relationship is established to get ourselves squared away.

So We Find a Submissive

Great, now what? As I stated in the first portion of this article there is so much more than just being in that relationship. It takes effort and commitment. A whole lot more talking going on than playing, or at least there should be in my opinion. How can we be an effective Dominant to someone if we do not know them well?

I am not just talking about what they do for work, or if they have kids, or the hobbies they like. We need to dig deep into who this person is and why they are who they are. And they us. At a brutal level of honesty. This is going to be the lever that allows us to appreciate them as a person. Be accepting of the bad, not just the good. To see past the front we all put up in a new relationship because we all want to put our best foot forward.

This willingness to learn our partner in an emotionally intimate way speaks of our ability to be empathic and compassionate. Two of our greatest and most used tools as Dominants. They council us to listen more than speak, to ask probing questions, and to really hear and understand our partner. Without this, we step on many more landmines than necessary. 

No, Simply Demanding it Does Not Mean You’ll Get It

Even if we are a good person and have managed to find a submissive who is committed to us, we cannot be jerks about it, if we want it to last. Way back when dirt was invented and I was a new dominant, I thought that was the way it was supposed to work. I quickly found out otherwise to my shame and embarrassment. 

There is a duty of care and responsibility which comes with being a Dominant. That we first are looking out for the best interest of our submissive. Even as a Master, we have to be careful of this, even more so as a committed slave is less likely to come to their own defense in many cases, unless the situation is dire. This is not possible without having developed a deep understanding of our sub-type.

They are placing their trust in us to lead them in a way which not only fulfills our desires but helps them grow and fulfills theirs. If all we are is a machine which compels compliance without thought to the impact on our charge, the chances of the dynamic lasting long or very small.

Creating a Gravitational Pull

The moon stays in orbit around Earth because of the gravity it exerts. Similarly, being that good person at our core helps us create an emotional gravity which captures our submissive and keeps them in our orbit. It allows them to open up to us, in turn, freeing us to be that Dominant they desire. I say freeing because without that pull, everything becomes a struggle where we are having to work to keep them enthralled and interested.

The dynamic becomes work, like the kind we do not appreciate so much. Not to be confused with the effort it takes to maintain a healthy relationship.

It also frees our submissive to be accepting of our dominance. They can begin to and continue to trust us because they have learned we are a person worth trusting. Sure we have to do much more than just be a good and decent person. But it is a beginning worth striving for, and one which becomes foundational for a long-term commitment.  

The Goal

I think most of us want to have that stability in our relationships, even if they are not romantic. The purpose driven commitment to and of another person bringing a constant into our universe to look forward to, cherish, and rely upon in good times and bad. 

Is not this the hub on which all else turns? Our ability to maintain a healthy relationship with another person? To do that, to build that, we need to work on ourselves first. 

Realizing to become a Dominant, we must master ourselves first. If we do not, we will only ever be dominant.


If you are interested in the Dominant’s Creed articles I mentioned earlier in this writing visit this link to my page on FetLife – TAC_1’s Writings | FetLife

Identifying as a Submissive: What does that mean?

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!  

This afternoon, I had a good discussion (online) with one of my readers, who was challenging the notion  that the definition of submission must come from the dominant. In his challenge, he stated that this  statement excludes people who self-identify as submissives who do not have a dominant to serve. As far  as the discussion goes, I stand firmly with my statement – however, his point got me thinking about  “self-identification” as a submissive and what that really means. 

The process of self-identification is an important part of today’s gender and sexuality discussions. It is an  effective tool to break through predefined constructs and to open the door to more open thinking. I do,  however, feel it’s rapidly becoming overused, particularly when it’s applied in ways that go beyond the  gender discussion. You can identify as a lot of things…but sometimes calling yourself something doesn’t really make you that. 

In BDSM and D/s circles, people self-identify a lot. You have people who declare their preferences by  labeling themselves. Words like “dominant”, “submissive”, “fetishist”, etc., are thrown about without  real definition. Even the words “Submission” and “Dominance” can mean different things to different people, so calling oneself a “Dominant” or “Submissive” only has meaning when we understand what  dominance and submission mean to that person. Having a “fetish” actually has a dictionary definition,  

but modern usage has thrown away the clinical meaning in favor of “This REALLY makes me hot!”. Since  there is no credentialing system, people are free to declare themselves “Dominant of the world” and no  one can really argue. In reality, the labels are meaningless – but they bring a sense of belonging and  inclusion to folks, so why not? 

Getting back to the basis of the discussion, how can you define submission without a dominant?  

I searched for an analogy to support my point and I arrived at a reasonable one: A man who REALLY  enjoys cooking and feels he’s good at it, decides to self-identify as “A Chef”. Let’s say he only cooks for  himself at this point. In my mind, this self-identification is closely analogous to the man who really likes  the idea of submitting and calls himself “A Submissive” – although a submissive doesn’t submit to himself. 

My self-identified “Chef” doesn’t have anyone to cook for at this point. Can he really be a chef? Would  you hire him to cook for you? 

My assertion is that self-identifying as a Chef is a statement of your passion. It’s your preference and  “identity” and it means that you want to cook. I further assert, however, that when this person is hired  to cook for someone, the recipesthat are needed are subject to the tastes and preferences of the  person. What KIND of chef does that person need / prefer: a meat chef; a fish chef; a pastry chef; a sauce chef? Until you know what type of chef is desired – or what type of recipes the person for whom  you are cooking prefers, you can’t define the content of the food that will satisfy them. You might be a  “chef”, but you don’t know what you’re cooking until you know what’s ordered!

Self-identifying as a submissive is all well and good as a statement of preference and identity…but until  you have someone to submit to, you can’t define submission. Submission, since it’s tied to what you are  doing for another person, requires that other person to be there. You can’t submit to nothing.  Submission must be received as submissionto be realized. If you doubt that, ask the myriad of folks who  are frustrated trying to submit to a partner who won’t accept their efforts from a position of dominance or who are unfulfilled with “stealth-submission” because the meaning is missing without reception. Can  you identify as a submissive without submitting to anyone? I suppose you can, but there isn’t really any definition in that label. 

In fact, trying to define it without a partner can be detrimental. I have met a lot of folks who try to  define submission without consideration for a specific partner. They have preconceived notions of what  submission is and what dominance looks like. They create their own challenges by doing this. Very often,  they talk about “finding compatibility” (usually in the context of NOT being able to find a compatible  partner), which is really a colloquialism for “trying to find someone who has defined submission the  same way that they did”, which, if you really think about it, is basically confirming that the dominant is  the one setting the definition of submission, it’s just that they happen to want the same! 

BTW: These are often the same folks who accuse their partners of not being “dominant enough”… or … “not knowing how to dominate” or “needing training in how to dominate” or any number of other  inappropriate attacks. Don’t be that guy. 

There is also the notion that someone will be a good submissive because they are “experienced”. What  does that mean in the context of a new dominant; with new preferences, tastes, and desires? I’d buy  into it if they said, “I’ll make a good submissive because I have experience adapting to how people  define submission to them. My skill is learning and adapting.” THAT statement, I’d believe. But thinking  that they’d be a good submissive for dominant ‘B’ because they served dominant ‘A’ doesn’t fly. 

So, self-identification as a submissive is fine. Identity is important and preferences are important. If the  label means something to you, use it. However, defining submission without a dominant to serve is  folly. If your goal is to serve your dominant, you need to allow that dominant to define what serves  them. Then you know what “dish” is required of you and you can work to deliver that. 

 Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Submit To The Person

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!  

Today, I’m thinking about a tendency among many submissives, to think of a dominant as the entire person, rather than as a dynamic in a relationship with a person. You’ll hear them say, “I’m looking for ‘A  Dominant’”, “Why can’t I find more ‘Dominants’?”, “I’m A Submissive, I need A Dominant”. It is as if the  person is defined solely by their preference when it comes to power dynamics. The notion is that ‘A  Dominant’ is what a person is…when, in reality, a person ‘is’ a lot of things – including being a dominant in their relationships. 

From my perspective as a dominant woman, I see this predominantly from male submissives (but it is  certainly not limited to a specific gender). Very often, they approach women, looking for ‘A Dominant’ without any consideration for who the woman really is. Worse, they have often already defined what ‘A  Dominant’ is, and are looking for it, exclusively. The ‘Dominant’ is viewed as a collective object – predictable based solely on their preference for “dominance” – and consistent from person to person  (as long as they “know how to dominate”). Any dominant will do, because they are believed to be interchangeable. Of course, since that’s not true, this often can create serious issues with the relationship. 

This viewpoint manifests itself in several common ways: Many submissives have a predetermined view  of what ‘a dominant’ does; how they act; their attitude; their dress – and don’t see a person as dominant  unless they meet those criteria. Or, they may discover that they don’t have compatibility with a  dominant from a relationship perspective, even though they’ve had compatibility in kink. Or, they may  not recognize dominance, if it doesn’t match the femininely-styled masculine image of a dominant. 

I’ve discussed this last point before; the notion that dominance equatesto masculinity – and therefore,  female dominance is thought of as a femininely-stylized imitation of masculinity. In my previous articles,  I’ve pointed out that the porn-imagery of the female dominant shows women as ‘penetrators’ with  strap-ons, in biker leathers (stylized), and having the heels of their boots (stylized jack boots) sucked  ‘like a cock’. The notion that someone who doesn’t prefer traditionally masculine qualities (e.g.,  aggression, anger, micro-management, competitiveness, desire to overpower, etc.) is not ‘allowed’ in  that imagery of dominance. 

Relationships are a complex collection of traits, personalities, and dynamics. Power dynamics are just  one of many dynamics that may exist in a relationship. The person who is the dominant has many other  facets totheir personalities – most having absolutely nothing to do with power dynamics. If you enter a  relationship with a person, solely based on one dynamic or attribute, you are destined to encounter  problems and potentially dissolution of the relationship. For example, people who have entered  relationships because “the sex was so good”, have experienced the same types of issues. Folks doing the  same for power dynamics likely are headed for similar negative outcomes. 

The key here, is to submit to the person, not to their role in a dynamic. If you’re thinking something  longer-termed than sharing a scenario, dedicating yourself in service to someone is a serious  commitment. There needs to be something about that PERSON that makes you want to submit to them. 

Something more than their gender and that they identify as dominant. You are submitting to the entire  person, who they are, not just what role they prefer to play. You must get to know who they are to be  able to establish a relationship based on more than power dynamics. Only then can you customize your  submission to mold and serve the full person.  

The next time you feel like engaging with someone who identifies as ‘dominant’, try to identify what it is  about that unique person that is drawing you to serve them. If it’s nothing more than their gender and  preference for dominance, slow down, get to know who they really are, and then THEN make the decision to submit! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Living in a 24/7 TPE Dynamic

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I live with my collared slut. She and I have a 24/7 Total Power Exchange (TPE). This means that at all  times she chooses to submit to me. Our dynamic is sex forward. So, one aspect of our dynamic is that at  any time, I am free to use her sexually. Our dynamic is kink forward as well. What this means is that at  any time, I am free to do anything I wish to her in any kink context that I choose. Naturally, she is not a  slave, and she has agency, and she has given me her consent. Naturally, I would never do anything to  her or with her that ignored or violated her hard limits. I say “naturally” because all kink dynamics are based on trust.  

When I made the choice to seek a submissive partner to live in a 24/7 TPE, I did so after exploring a wide  range of kink scenes with an array of submissive women. While I was quite happy with the kink, the sex  itself was unfulfilling and I became present to the fact that for me, what was missing was the intimacy of  romantic partnership. In my exploration of kink, I learned some things about myself. What sort of  fetishes I had and which ones I wanted to explore further and so when I began my search, I had a list of  “must haves” and list of “I’d like to have” considerations.  

For example, I knew that I was seeking an obedient submissive masochist who was herself seeking a  24/7 TPE. She needed to into or at least open to my entire fetish list. That was the start of the adventure.  

I wrote a “seeking post” that posted in all the personal’s on Fetlife in the local and nearby cities. Almost  immediately, I received many inquiries from women and I met a few of them. One woman in particular  got my attention. Her questions seemed genuine and her curiosity authentic. We messaged for months,  spoke once or twice and then, I gave her a task to assess both her obedience and masochism. What I did was I asked her to attempt to orgasm with ginger in her ass. It was smore than that, but that was the gist  of it. Not only did she do so, but she orgasmed 3 times and then she sat in a Nadu pose with the ginger  inserted and experienced an out of body moment. That task had me anxious to meet her.  

We met in person at a restaurant and in the very first moments of our meeting, she made the choice to  submit to me. Before we even spoke. My dominant nature, my way of being, my pheromones,  whatever, something in her was triggered and she chose me to gift herself to.  

Over the next few months, she worked to get complete in her separation and file for divorce (something  that was occurring regardless of my interactions with her. Eventually, when she had taken steps to  formally separate, she put herself forward to be claimed.  

In claiming her, I would mark her inside and out as my own submissive. We had talked about this, and it  took courage to put herself as a new kinkster, in the hands of a sadist. The Claiming Ceremony involved  being chained, marked with a cane, having me piss in her ass and down her throat.  

That began a journey of exploration as we explored many different scenes and kinks of a wide variety of  alternatives, to get our kink in alignment. She is very obedient and she does everything I ask. Then after  we play, we debrief and we assess if we should do that again, more intensely, less intensely or not at all.  

Communication in a kink dynamic is probably the most important aspect of our kink and, in truth, you  could say that our favorite fetish is communication. You would not be wrong. I’ll say one important thing about communication between a Dom and a sub. There are times when we need to set aside our  dynamic and talk as equals. This is important because as I noted at the outset, she has agency.  

Before long, she moved in with me and we started to explore living together in a kink dynamic. Not long  after that, we started talking about collaring her. We made the choice to delay the collaring itself until  she had created the space she needed to create a new relationship by getting complete with her  divorce. This is an important consideration. In order to be able to commit herself to me, she needed to  be divorced completely. I needed her to be able to give me her full attention, and with the background  noise of an ongoing divorce she did not have the mindset nor the space to put her attention on  something brand new. And as soon as her divorce was done and she was complete, we began to plan  her collaring ceremony in earnest.  

We took collaring seriously. We wrote our statements out so we would not forget what we wanted to  say and she kneeled in a circle of candle lights and white rose petals as we started the ceremony by  being with each other. We sat there staring into each other’s eyes, silently, or perhaps 5 minutes. We  said what there was to say and then we created an intense and prolonged scene to mark the occasion.  

It was a beautiful private ceremony that bound us in our kink.  

What has happened since then is that we have become closer, more connected and more aligned than ever.  

The best aspect of being in a kink dynamic is what we call “The Rabbit Hole”. Why kink is like a rabbit  hole is that it takes twists and turns and we discover new things about ourselves and each other. One  example is the time I made the choice to give her a daily maintenance spanking. This occurred because I  noticed that as the week passed after our weekend marking sessions, she became “out of sorts” and it  was clear that she was in a great mood after being marked. And while she put herself forward to be  spanked as instructed, what came out of that was unexpected. We used the experience to try different  implements on her and she found that with the heavy flogger, somewhere around 150 strokes, she  started to have orgasms and experience the flogging as electrical energy. We have experimented with  over 1000 strokes, which she loved. This was completely unexpected. Another example is the time I put  her in chastity for a month and we only explored anal sex. She discovered her ass as a sex organ –  eating her ass gives her orgasms. That was unexpected.  

My point is that in the rabbit hole, the twists and turns are surprising and its super fun to have a partner  with whom that exploration is occurring.  

So what makes our dynamic work? First, we subscribe to a few principles:  

– There is nothing wrong.  

– We are both 100% responsible.  

– We are in communication.  

– Trust is present.  

There is one other thing. She is incredibly obedient. I find her obedience a turn on. She adheres to  protocols with a religious fervor. I love it. 

Now a few words on the principles we adhere to. When we say “there is nothing wrong” it is not to  dismiss her point of view or her complaint or mine, it’s a recognition that as human beings, we make  meaning out of things we do not completely understand. It’s a function of being human. What there is  to deal with is “what’s so” about a thing. That keeps us from escalating moments in a negative direction.  Second, we both take full responsibility to keep the dynamic alive and well. Its not a 50/50 deal at all. Its  100%/0%. And we talk. We talk so often about so many aspects about our dynamic that we started the  podcast Kinky Cocktail Hour. And most important, trust really is present. She trust me to use her hard  and not break her. She trusts me to love her and care for her and I trust her to do the same. Intimacy is present.  

Our dynamic works because we are committed and not attached to the dynamic and we go with the  ebbs and flows of our desires and demands. As the Dom, it is my responsibility to read her. To gauge her  energy and her mindset. We have sexualized her completely. She experiences herself as a very sexy  creature And she is perfectly suited to be my personal slut. The result is that our sex is lava hot. I would  say conservatively, that in the 3 years we have been together, we have had sex over 1,000 times, each  time being the hottest sex ever. She always presents herself to be used and it starts there. Lately, we are  employing hypnosis to move her into a trance state more quickly and I am training her to experience deep throat fucking as orgasmic. It’s hot.  

Writing this has caused me to send her a message that I am going to use her hard when she gets home  from work, and I am going to “fuck her silly”. Because our sexuality is wrapped up in kink, this means  that she will get flogged and fucked today. Her response? “Mmmmmm…Very, Very HOT!!”. Then she sent me this text:  

“Verfreude”  

The German word Vorfreude is unique and has no English equivalent. It comes from the  words vor (“before”) and Freude (“joy”) and means something along the lines of “joyful anticipation.” Vorfreude is the joy you experience while you are looking forward to something.  

Germans often say: “Vorfreude ist die schönste Freude” which means “anticipation is the greatest joy”.  

I have Verfreude too.  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and  personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching  out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

New coaching content can be found on our Patreon:  

https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground 

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky Cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/

The Ins and Outs Of Cuckholding

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If you lie awake at night dreaming of having sex with someone other than your husband, you might be Hotwife material. If you think about only having sex with men other than your husband, you may be a Hotwife.  

The first use of the word “cuckold” is reputed to be in 1250 in the Medieval debate poem “The Owl and  the Nightingale”. Many of Shakespeare’s characters suspected that they had become “cuckold”. The  word derives from the cuckoo bird which has a habit of laying its eggs in other birds’ nests.  

Today, cuckholding is a fetish. The cuckold is the humiliated husband of the “cuckholdress”, who in  today’s vernacular, we refer to as the Hotwife, the adulterous wife who explores her sexuality outside of  her marriage with complicit consent and even the active participation of her emasculated husband. This  is not a discussion about non-consensual cuckholding. That would be called “cheating”, and the Hotwife  lifestyle is an ethical non-monogamous lifestyle.  

For a long time, men who had sex with many different women were called “studs” and women who  enjoyed sex were called “sluts” in a pejorative way. What the Hotwife lifestyle allows a woman to do is  to is to fully and openly explore her sexuality with the approval and support of her husband. She is the  modern-day slut as defined by the book “The Ethical Slut” which puts female sexual self-expression into  an appropriately positive context.  

There are couples where the husband and wife explore her sexuality with the husband sharing his wife  with others, where he is not cuckhold. These are the so called “Stags and Vixens” of the swinger world.  This is not a discussion of Stags and Vixens. The true Hotwife cuckholds (denies) her husband with more  or less severe constraints on his sexuality while she enjoys true sexual freedom outside of her marriage.  

The sex partner the Hotwife takes is referred to as a “Bull”. The Bull might be one who is known to the  husband or one who is not. In one of my escapades as a Bull, the cuckold husband found me online, and  gifted his wife to me to use as I see fit. I would send him pictures of me using his wife and he would stay  home to masturbate over the idea that he was getting live real time photos of his submissive masochist  wife being dominated by a sadistic Bull.  

Humiliation is a big part of the Hotwife lifestyle. She may want her cuckold to help her get ready for a  date, buy her pretty lingerie or perfume or even that little black dress, and then she will go out while he  is trying to distract himself at home. She might send him pictures or text messages about what is  happening to titillate him, and when she comes home with a pussy filled with cum, he might get “afters”  and clean up duty or even “reclaim sex” which is so hot.  

To be cuckold, one must love his wife with all his heart and to come to terms with the fact that he does  not satisfy her sexually and be totally OK with her seeking that satisfaction from her Bull.  

So, what drives a man to choose to be cuckold? Often it comes out of a sexual fantasy – “I get hot  thinking of you with another man” from him or “I imagine being fucked by xxx. My old boyfriend, when  you fuck me” from her…that often leads to that “hot first date”. There is a lot of sexual tension in getting  your wife ready to go out on a first date with another man. Its very naughty and so very titillating. 

Imagine the tension as she comes home with her panties filled with cum and as she spreads her legs for  “reclaiming sex” when he gets to eat her cum filled pussy and hear about her hot sexual encounter with  her new lover.  

Very often that is the extent of it. They play that game, and it excites their sex life and their marriage.  

When the Bull gets involved, it can often lead to more. There are times when she is just more dominant  than her cuck is, and she chooses to control his orgasms and explore her own without the Bull’s input.  She may cage him and sissify him all on her own for her own pleasure and he may love or even  love/hate the experience, and this is part of the excitement.  

His denial is a huge turn on for him as well as her. He is sometimes simply denied by her, and sometimes  forced to deny by being required to wear a chastity cage. There is something extremely hot about being  denied for long time and then being allowed to release with her manual attention. I have known  Hotwives who only touch their cucks dick with two finders of her gloved hand and only allow him to cum  into a cocktail glass that he must swallow after he is encourage to cum with her two fingered milking.  

The Female Led Relationship (FLR) is a very hot topic these days. IN these dynamics, he is denied. He is  often caged and further humiliated by being required to wear lady’s underwear, suffer his wife’s sexual  prowess with other men, and finally by being pegged by her either when she comes home, or when she  otherwise pays attention to him. There are those Hotwives who additionally punish their cuckolds with  over the knee (OTK) spankings too.  

One of the more common scenarios is the small-dicked man who simply cannot physically satisfy his  wife sexually with his tiny penis and she chooses, often with his full support, the satisfaction of being  fucked by a man with a large dick. This is true of many Bulls, that they are fortunate to be blessed with a  giant cock by usual standards, and they are advantaged by this good fortune to be able to pleasure  many women. I have talked to Bulls who have fucked hundreds of women.  

Humiliation is one of the major fetish’s expressed in Hotwifeing. Often the cuck is made to watch the  Bull fuck his wife while he sits there, sometimes bound, sometimes caged, often both, watching his wife  achieve orgasms and sexual ecstasy that he cannot possibly create for her with his tiny inadequate cock.  Often, he is subjected to clean up duty. He may have to clean his wife’s pussy or ass, and then he may be  required to clean the Bull’s cock too. There are situations where the cuck is sissified. Made to wear sexy  lingerie and put on make up and perhaps a wig and possibly stockings, a garter and high heels so that he  is pleasing to his wife and or the Bull. He may get fucked by the Bull or pegged by his Hotwife and he  may find his cock permanently retired. He exists as a caged “gurl” to service the Hotwife and the Bull.  

It is not uncommon in this lifestyle to have the Hotwife develop a relationship with her Bull and start to  spend nights over there. Perhaps weekends. I have known Hotwives who have simply moved out  entirely, but still require the cuck to financially support her. This turns into a sort of financial domination.  

I have heard of situations where the Bull who has usually met the Hotwife privately and away from her  home, unexpectedly show up on a Sunday, and while the cuck is fretting over the stove in the kitchen,  the Hotwife is being fucked in the family bed. 

There is so much involved in this lifestyle, it’s a FLR, it’s often a discipline based dynamic, it is overtly  sexual, it involves ethical non-monogamy, it might involve polyamory, it involves gender fluidity, it  involves fluid bonding, it involves denial and male chastity. Mostly it is about the full self-expression of  her sexuality and her pursuit of her ideal sexual partners.  

It turns out that there are many more submissive male cuckhold wanna-be’s than there are Hotwives to  go around. Which makes it a buyers’ market. To take advantage of this mismatch in supply and demand,  enterprising dominant women are creating opportunities for submissive men to serve. One such  example is Femocracy Global which is committed to empowering and supporting Females’ rise to power  in every corner of the globe and they invite male submissives to serve.  

The point is that being a Hotwife is her choice. She has control of the relationship. She might be his key  holder. This is a very powerful dynamic in an FLR. She locks his cock in a cage and she holds the key. Now  he is required to take his mind off his arousal and put his attention fully on her wellbeing. She can  choose to implement a discipline regime; she can take one or more lovers. She can require him to  feminize to please her. She can require that he pay more attention to domestic affairs or more attention  to pleasing her and or her Bull. She can dominate him and switch to submit to her Bull. She can be  strictly vanilla at home and deeply kinky with her Bull who she may take as her Dom or Master, and she  may be able to express herself an a kinky Domme at home. The FLR opportunities are endless.  

As in any dynamic, especially one that involves more than one other person, the secret is to be in  communication. Make agreements. Stick to them. Talk. That is your access to your full self-expression as  a Hotwife. Enjoy the ride!  

You might listen to the following episodes of our podcast to heart how real people are dealing with this  aspect of sexuality (The Kinky Cocktail Hour can be found is on all podcast platforms, or you can search the archive here https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/).  

– The Female Led Relationship  

– The Hotwife Lifestyle  

– The Mind of a Cuckold  

– Stags, vixen, Bulls and Hotwives  

– Pegging and Strap on Play  

– Chastity Queen  

– Domestic Discipline and the 50’s Household  

– Cross Dressing  

– Chastity and Sissifiction  

– Cuck’s, Bulls, and Hotwives  

– The Mind of a Bull  

– Force Orgasms, Ruined Orgasms and Orgasms in Chastity  

– The Pitfalls of Cuckholding  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and  personal coaching options. 

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching  out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

New coaching content can be found on Patreon:  

https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/

An Interview with Ms. Rika-Part 2

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

I recently was asked a series of questions regarding my relationships, my approach, and my experiences.  After answering the 39 questions as honestly as I could, I thought that it might be a good idea to make a  couple of articles out of it for KinkWeekly. Previously, I posted the answer to questions 1-20…here’s the rest of the interview: 

21. Do you believe there are different formal levels of power dynamics? Which level are you  two? 

a. No. I don’t believe there are any such things. I believe people have fabricated them and  published them…but they are not accepted outside of a small group. Same for Gorean  roles and protocols. They exist for those who follow them. For everyone else, it’s just  words. Not knocking them, but there are folks who think there is only the one way to live  a lifestyle with “real” power dynamics…in my opinion, those folks are just filling themselves up with self-importance. 

22. Being Dom-centric, are you free to do whatever you want and he will support and embrace  that if it’s something you like and would please you? 

a. Pretty much, yes. If it were not, we’d talk about it…but part of the agreement here is that  my pleasure is his gospel. If he isn’t thinking that way, I’d want to know why. But  honestly, if it were something that I liked that he HATED, would I really enjoy it if he went  along with it? I would want to know he WOULD go along with it – and I would expect him  to do so…but I might not hold him to it…because he’s my husband and I love him  (oh…THAT again!) 

23. Do you ever have disagreements about the lifestyle? Either of you want or don’t want  something? How do those typically go? I know you said everything has to be consensual.  But is there something you want that he isn’t into? Or vice-a-versa?  

a. We disagree about things…I wouldn’t call them disagreements. We discuss them and my  word is final. That’s basically it. 

24. Do you have protocols in place? 

a. We have Routine Tasks. Different than protocols in the Gorean sense. In play we have  more than in regular life…but he does follow routines. 

25. Would you say you are more dependent on his submission or is he more dependent on  your dominance? 

a. We’re equally dependent on our power dynamic for our fulfillment. We both consider  ourselves highly lucky to have each other. We appreciate each other. 

26. How were you able to train your sub to be what you wanted? 

a. I don’t believe in “training” – I believe in “enabling”. I just finished writing an essay on this  difference for “KinkWeekly.com”. He’s not an animal that can be “trained” like a dog or  lion. He’s human: He thinks, he rationalizes, he introspects…he CHOOSES to serve. Therefore, my “training” is really more about EDUCATING him as to my preferences and expectations – and then providing feedback as to how he’s doing and  giving him ideas for how to improve. CERAF is all about that. 

27. Are there things he does not like to do? 

a. Sure. He doesn’t like to eat his orgasms…but he loves to be made to do it. He doesn’t  like to clean the house, but he does it every day. He doesn’t like to wake up early so that  my breakfast is ready when I am…but he does it lovingly. 

28. Does he grumble or complain? 

a. Not for long. I don’t have to do much more than ask him if he really wants to be  complaining…and it stops immediately.

29. If he has a bad day or isn’t feeling it, how do you deal with it? Do you still hold him to the  dynamic? Do you make it harder or easier on him? 

a. This is right out of my second book (Uniquely Us) with Karl and Rhonda. Yes, he has bad  days. Yes, there are times when he doesn’t ‘feel it. In these circumstances, whether or  not I hold him to it is my choice. That’s really the key. I may CHOOSE to relax my  expectations…or not. If I do, he understands completely that I’m not relaxing them  because they’re not important to me…he understands that I’m choosing to give him a  break even though I absolutely COULD hold him to it…and have no qualms about doing  so. I never want to leave him with the feeling that his service is not of primary importance  to me…however, so is his health (physical and mental)…it is completely up to ME to make  the judgement as to whether I feel he should be relieved. 

30. Does anyone in your personal life know about your dynamic? Or have they noticed or said  anything to either of you about his eagerness to help you and do things for you? I imagine  they see your marriage/relationship in contrast to their own or what most vanilla  relationships look like and wonder…? 

a. No family members formally know. The kids (now grown and out on their own) might  know, but never were exposed to anything that would confirm it for them. I have a couple  of friends who know (and who have their own dynamics)…but I have a lot of friends who  don’t know and who think I have the best husband in the world…and they’re right!

31. While he is doing chores or doing something to please you, what do you do? Are you  often around doing something else? Watch TV, read a book? 

a. Yup…I do relax. Sometimes I do things that I want to do (I’m big into something called  “Pure Barre”, which is an exercise class to which I belong). It’s a treat for him if I interrupt  him to do something menial for me while he’s doing his chores. He might be dusting the  living room while I’m watching something on Netflix and I may call him in (interrupt his  work) to hand me the glass of water that’s right in front of me, wait for me to take a sip,  then have him put it back down, have him thank me, and then head back to continue his  chores. He loves that kind of stuff…and so do I. 

32. I’ve read you’re not into chastity cages, but I thought I’ve read where you’ve used them as  fun or a gift to him…is that right? Do you see any benefit to the dom? I know self-control is  expected…but is there a time where you recommend it? Or is it completely sub-centric? 

a. I don’t dislike chastity cages. I think they’re fun toys. What I object to is the notion that  they CREATE or IMPROVE submission. In my opinion, they’re far too sub-centric to be  effective in encouraging actual submission. They can be excellent at creating  acquiescence…or obedience…but neither of those are submission to me. So, they’re fun  toys and tools for specific types of play. I see them the same way I see collars or handcuffs. 

33. What does sub struggle with the most? How does he communicate that to you?

a. We talk a lot. We’re very open – particularly since the kids have been out of the house.  He struggles with feelings of inadequacy when he can’t do something right. I have had a  number of conversations where he has expressed depressed feelings when I’ve pointed  out things he can do to improve his service. We get by those by readjusting his  understanding of my comments to be a proactive and productive process to help him  improve. That has worked well. 

b. One of the couples in Uniquely Us, John and Liz, had a problem once where his task list  had gotten too long for him to be able to handle. He had hundreds of items…and was  drowning. Liz wanted to back off, but that made him get depressed. We ended up  working together to help prune the list, reduce the frequency of adding to the list, and of  helping him organize and group his tasks to ease his burden. 

34. What keeps him motivated and encouraged? What keeps his battery charged and fully  engaged to serving you? I believe, when your why gets bigger your how gets better…what  is his “why” other than you. 

a. The why has never been me. I’m not the reason he submits. I’m not making him submit to  me. He makes him submit to me. He LOVES it. I LOVE it. He’s submitting for  himself…submission is just defined by me. It’s called SELF-discipline…and it’s key to  being an excellent submissive!

35. What is a day in the life of your sub look like? 

a. I’ve written this before…it’s long. Let’s just cover the first couple of hours: He wakes up  before me. In our bathroom, he’ll prep my things, clean my brush, put toothpaste on my  toothbrush. He will sit on the toilet seat to pee so that it’s warmer for me when I get there  (about 1/2 an hour later, usually). He then cleans the toilet from the night’s activity (we  don’t flush it at night, as it wakes me up). In the winter, he turns on the towel warmer.  Then he heads downstairs. He prepares coffee, breakfast, my lunch. He cleans the  floors, empties the dishwasher, straightens up. He may go out and do grocery shopping  or put gas in the family car. He sometimes prepares grilled chicken for lunches for the  week. He will go through my emails and delete the spam. When he hears me stirring  upstairs, he starts my breakfast (which we will have discussed before we go to sleep). He  froths the milk for my coffee and everything is waiting when I come downstairs. We eat  together. We talk. I do a lot of emails and stuff. He cleans up while I get ready to start my  day. That’s kind of a typical morning. 

36. Have you guys ever stopped the dynamic because of a disagreement or disgruntlement  and later start back? 

a. Nope. Never had a fight. Really. 

37. What does a fight look like between you? 

a. Never had a fight…REALLY. 33+ years of marriage and no fights. Honestly.

38. How do you two exit on and off the one way street to the two way street? On the one way  street, it’s all about you and what you say goes. On the two way street, you two are equal.  Is that hard to navigate back and forth? Does it take a awhile to transition back to the one  way street? Is there a protocol to getting back onto the one way street? Are there exits and  ramps to help the transition? 

a. The streets are an analogy, not an actual tool. You use the streets to help resolve  misunderstandings, position intent, and make sense of what already transpired. You don’t  use them to make stuff happen. 

39. Have you struggled through the dynamic? How? 

a. No more than the regular family. Fear, isolation, restricted freedoms…everyone is in this  together. Aside from worrying about my family, it’s been nice that the hubby and I were  both working from home (before I retired at the end of the year! Nice!). We’ve been  comfortable being together…if anything it’s made us even tighter. Now that we’re all  vaccinated and able to socialize together again as a family, it’s a wonderful relief. It’s not  over, but it definitely feels better! Mother’s day was spent with our grandson (our first)  and my mother in-law…so she saw her great-grandson for the first time. Not a bad Mother’s Day!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Discipline-Based Dynamics

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We live in a discipline based dynamic (DD). In our relationship, I am the Dom, and my partner is my  submissive masochist and 3-hole slut. She is collared. She belongs to me. I own her.  

In all discipline-based dynamics there is a Dominant partner and a submissive partner. Here is an  example of how that played out in our dynamic. Almost 6 months into our discipline based dynamic that  started when I claimed her, it occurred to me that on the days following our High Protocol marking  scenes (where she gets marked with a cane), which we hold during the weekend, she was in a much  better mood than her baseline, she was unmistakably more loving, happier and more attentive. As the  week wore on, she tended to get “out of sorts”. After seeing this play out for a few weeks in a row, I got  to thinking about it, and I concluded that she should get a daily maintenance spanking to see if that  altered her experience any. Well, I can report that it has dramatically altered both her experience and  our relationship. The first time I gave her a daily spanking, we had great sex immediately following and  now that ritual is part of our daily extremely hot sexual encounter that itself has opened a lot of doors  for us in our pursuit of sexual nirvana. When I first told her that she was to get a daily maintenance  spanking, because we live in a DD household, even though she bit her lip with both a bit of concern and  a little trepidation, she immediately accepted my decision and made sure she was ready to get spanked  every day. Even though she was worried about it at first, she trusted me to look out for her, and she  gave her unconditional consent. All DD are based on consent. We live in what is called a 24/7 TPE or  Total Power Exchange.  

Now, regarding the daily maintenance spanking, just to be clear, she had done nothing wrong, she was  simply being human, and so the spanking was not a punishment for a bad behavior, it was not a cause  and effect spanking, It was not corporal punishment at all. The discipline in this instance is that she gets  a daily spanking, which means that when she gets home from work, she goes to the bathroom and gets  herself ready to be spanked and used. This is our protocol. In a DD dynamic, protocols are at play.  Because she is an obedient submissive, we do not have a power struggle about this. I have told her what  she needs to do to properly prepare herself to serve me and she does that joyfully, even to the point of  putting out the flogger, lube and a towel before she kneels in her Nadu pose to wait for my attention.  

The impact of incorporating this practice into our daily life is nothing short of amazing. It has  dramatically improved our connectedness, our relatedness and the sense of closeness we have between  us. We love each other more intensely today that we did when I introduced the practice more than 2 years ago.  

This experience of being “much closer than ever” is a very common experience for a D/s couple who  practice a domestic discipline lifestyle. Now adult DD relationships are varied. There are female led  relationships (FLR) with a dominant woman and a submissive man. This is a very popular topic. The most  downloaded episode of our podcast is the FLR pod (Season1 Episode 147). Some of these relationships  are strictly discipline oriented where corporal punishment is a part of any punishment or transgression  resolution, and some are asexual dynamics as well. In our dynamic the DD is intertwined without  sexuality, but this is not always the case. A man who endures the over the knee (OTK) hairbrush  spanking and then has to stand in the corner with his red ass exposed may have a “completely normal  vanilla” sexual relationship with his partner where he is dominant in bed. It does not really need to be  stated, but there are both gay and lesbian DD relationships as well as non-binary dynamics. 

One of the more interesting DD dynamics is the Big/Little dynamic where an adult care giver is  responsible for an adult little (or child persona) who needs to be disciplined in many ways from having  their diaper checked or changed, to what and how much they eat etc. In truth, there are numerous  forms of DD relationships which we refer to as “Power Exchange Relationships”, such as:  

 Master/sub/slave (M/s)  

 Mistress/sub/slave (M/s)  

 Mommy Dom/little boy/girl (MD/lg or MD/lb)  

 Daddy Dom/little boy/girl (DD/lb or DD/lg)  

 Domestic Discipline (DD)  

 Head of Household (HOH)  

 Taken in Hand (TIH)  

 Total Power Exchange (TPE  

 Absolute Power Exchange (APE)  

By definition, a power exchange relationship (PER) is a relational dynamic in which one individual serves  another in a consensual authority exchange structured relationship wherein a partners choose to either  give up or get control of authority. Pet play is another power exchange dynamic as well.  

There are many issues to deal with in a power exchange relationship. For example, imagine a DD couple  where the primary discipline is an Over the Knee (OTK) spanking, and the couple has children? What are  some of the concerns? From where I sit, there is never cause to spank a child, so that is not what I am  promoting, I am asking strictly from the perspective that the HOH has determined that the sub is to get  an OTK spanking, and the household has young or even teenage children. How should that be managed?  If you read the message boards, the consensus is that the couple works to separate completely the DD  activities from the parenting of their children. It is an adult behavior and not appropriate for the children  to witness. To a person, the sub, males and females, will note that the spankings they get make them  closer to their dominant. So, it is both needed and necessary, which requires that they find way to take  their behavior out of the purview of their children. From the point of view of the children, all they see is  a loving relationship between their parents.  

Why people choose PER’s is as complex as it is varied. In our case, we are both wired to be in a PER. We  were both in unfulfilling marriages before we connected, and we both drifted to a TPE. I had advertised  that that is what I was seeking, and she was drawn to my stated relationship intention. Now I want to  make an especially important point. There is a massive difference between being dominant and being  domineering. Being the HOH does not entitle me to be domineering. In fact, my partner was in a  marriage with a domineering man whom she grew to despise. I cannot explain what makes me  dominant or why she sensed my dominance even as we met for the first time. I do know that being  dominant is my natural way of being and that having her as my submissive has allowed me my full self expression as a sexual being. The secret is to a successful DD is to keep the integrity of the dynamic  intact. What do I mean by that? I mean that the relationship only works where consent is present, and it  only works where agreements are kept. If, for example, I said, “if you do that again, I am going to spank  you” and she does it again and I do not follow through and spank her, then she will begin to wonder if I  am paying enough attention to her. This leads to space and space kills relationships. Instead, I enroll her  into the dynamic ongoingly and register her willing participation by keeping it fun, and then we both take on making sure that we fulfill on our commitment to each other. PER’s require that both the Dom  and the sub are 100% responsible for maintaining the relationship, All PER are consent based as I have noted, and the amount of power a submissive chooses to give up is  subject to negotiation. Our dynamic is a Total Power Exchange. I say what goes, and yet, I insist that my  sub has agency, and is fully self-expressed. We maintain a remarkably high degree of communication so  that she can speak her mind without concern. For example, she might tell me that she is going for a run,  she does not ask me if she can go for a run, and that occurs inside of the integrity of our broader  dynamic where her fitness and health are a stated priority of ours. If there were an insurmountable  issue, we have an agreement in place that we can set aside the DD for the purposes of talking as equals  and resolving the issue. In other dynamics, HOH for example, there is an invitation for more discussion  preceding decisions that the HOH then makes. In a Big/little dynamic, there is more enrollment that  occurs, and discipline might involve punishing brattyness (disobedience designed to elicit a spanking or  punishment) and that sort of play. So, as I like to say, there is no right way to be. The individuals need to  negotiate a PER dynamic that works for each of them.  

There is a really great tool we use to manage communication in our dynamic called WeMinder. As a tool  designed for discipline based dynamics, it allows a Dom to assign tasks and reward or punish based on  the agreements that have been negotiated. You can listen to the conversation we had with the founder here. (https://www.buzzsprout.com/962578/8559456)  

WeMinder is inexpensive and perfect for partners in DD dynamics, including those who do not live in the same geography.  

There are dynamics where corporal punishment is used to change behavior. We talked to a  Disciplinarian who makes himself available using hard core corporal punishment on request of  submissive women who even fly to see him from thousands of miles away to get brutal 12 or 24 or 50  stroke cold caning sessions. I once worked with a woman who wanted to lose weight and quit smoking,  and she requested corporal punishment to motivate her to change her behavior. In both of these  examples, the PER is asexual. The point is that PER’s occur in all sorts of ways where one partner  chooses to give up power and one chooses to take power. The definition is even true in consent/non  consent dynamics, which is more of a roll play dynamic. I am simply observing that DD’s occur in the  realm of relationship, the realm of sexuality, and the realm where those are combined.  

Regardless of the style of DD you choose, the best way to proceed is to be in communication, to  negotiate, to make agreements and to stick to them. We choose to operate in a space where there is  “nothing wrong”, and as we were developing our dynamic, there were times when we were required set  the dynamic aside to speak as equals so as to confirm or clarify or renegotiate an agreement or  negotiate a new one. That process occurred more at first while we worked out the limits in our dynamic.  

There is tons of information out there in blogs, and on sites like fetlife where there are dozens of groups  devoted to DD or PER with thousands of members who engage in conversations and who post their ideas and opinions.  

My view is that a PER is a serious commitment. We both believe that we each need to be 100%  responsible for maintaining the PER in the healthiest way possible. In the 3 years since we first met, we  have seen our relationship and our dynamic grow closer and closer and we are more aligned now than ever before, and she has received a daily maintenance spanking every day for more than half of that  time. The spanking she receives are not trivial, but are on the order of 500 lashes with a heavy bull hide  flogger that turns her ass bright red. We used the spankings to explore her masochism, and she is now  climaxing during her spanking that now occurs as part our ridiculously hot kinky sex. We found the key  to unlock our dynamic when I made an observation about her behavior, thought about how to address it  in the context of our PER, and came up with the daily maintenance spanking as an idea. Because we are  in a rabbit hole, and because we have no idea about the twists and turns, and because new actions  produce unpredictable outcomes, we are now closer, more aligned, more connected, more related and  more in love, happiness and joy than ever before, and our PER is humming along perfectly.  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching  options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast  platforms

An Interview with Rika (Part 1)

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

I recently was asked a series of questions regarding my relationships, my approach, and my experiences.  After answering the 39 questions as honestly as I could, I thought that it might be a good idea to make a  couple of articles out of it for KinkWeekly. So here’s part 1, with part 2 to come! 

1. How did your power dynamic with your primary sub (your husband) start? Who initiated  it? 

a. When we first met, we played a lot of stereotypical power games. B&D and some D&S. Basically, I did things to him and made him do things to me. I was already playing these kinds of games with other boyfriends and he had already done so with his girlfriends. It wasn’t until we were thinking about marriage – and the notion of this arrangement carrying on for the rest of our lives in a 24/7 context, that I changed the approach to be dominant-centric. I could not see living the sub-centric approach 24/7. I was (and still am) willing to play from time-to-time – and really enjoy blowing his fantasy circuits out of the water – but for a 24/7 dynamic (what both of us wanted), it had to be more “real”. 

2. What did you or your sub think when the idea was first suggested? How did you introduce each other to the dynamic? 

a. The playtime was natural…we were both playing games with prior partners. It was  discussed early and we started playing almost right away. It was I who introduced the  notion of the change to dominant-centricity. He had brought up full-time, 24/7 lifestyle  dynamics – and I introduced him to the concept that I was OK with that – but on a different  set of terms. He was completely free to not accept it – and we still would have played  games from time to time – but we both were interested in a full-time dynamic…so it had to  work for both of us…but it had to start with what worked for me. 

3. Did it start as a full 24/7 D/s relationship, or did it evolve into that? 

a. Once we decided we were going to get married, and decided to follow a dominant-centric  approach, it was right away. 

4. What did it feel like in the beginning? Did it feel fake? How did you make it real?

a. I believe this question is really the difference between sub-centric 24/7 and dominant centric 24/7. Playing games 24/7 is unrealistic. Trying to be someone you’re not 24/7 is awful, unfulfilling, and unsustainable. To make it last, it had to be real. It had to be real submission. It had to be about serving me for who I am. I was more than willing to allow him to submit to me, but he would have to submit to ME…who I am…without me having to pretend I’m some persona.  

5. How often do you give your sub a gift? 

a. He enjoys treats pretty often….and I enjoy giving them to him. I love to see him happy  and fulfilled. He’s my husband and I love him. I am free to do so BECAUSE we both  have an understanding that those treats are NOT submission. That frees me. One thing  that I really enjoy – and is sort of a treat – is T&D. Because of that, he gets teased A LOT.  He seldom goes a day without thinking he might get off…and he only gets off when I want  him to – could be twice a day for a week or once every two weeks…he never knows. So,  if that means that he gets a treat every day (the tease with or without the denial), then I’d  say he gets it every day. For him, my feet are a real treat. So, I sometimes make him  bow and kiss my feet – or lick the soles of my footwear clean (Saturday, I did some  gardening in a pair of Wellies and had him lick the dirt off of them after they dried…he  loved it. Honestly, it does nothing for me other than enjoying his enjoyment). That  happens every few days, I guess. No schedules…I don’t like to be obligated or on a  timeframe…ever.

6. Are there things he likes or wants that you do not? 

a. Anal play is not really something I enjoy. Penetrating him, by the way. I have no problem with him worshiping my butt ��! I also won’t do needles…which is something he had wanted to try. I’m not really interested in drawing blood. 

7. Has he given you a list of gifts that he likes or would like…or how do you know what he likes if he doesn’t? 

a. The Task List exercise exposed a bunch of things that he enjoys. The things that fall into the “things that don’t turn me off, but are not something I consider to be submission to me” are all good material for treats.  

b. We talk. We talk openly about this stuff…we have the framing of my methodology, which serves as a perfect context for our discussions. We both know the vernacular and we both can speak freely in a way that fits our dynamic. 

8. Would that be inappropriate for him to make a list of gifts? 

a. Only if I didn’t ask for it. 

9. If there are gift that you know would really be special to him, but you’re not into it, do you ever bend and give him that gift? 

a. Sure…as long as it’s not something that really squicks me, or crosses some line of appropriateness (which is unlikely from him) 

10. How do you keep the wheels of the lifestyle aligned? 

a. Not sure what you mean by this…we live the lifestyle…it’s always in play. It’s as aligned  as our lives. 

11. How does your sub keep your happiness and interests his top priority?  

a. It’s something he wants to do. He’s not perfect though…he sometimes hits a funk, or gets  a little selfish, or even acts up. On those occasions, the trick for me is to notice it and act  right away – the action is a discussion: I remind him that submitting to me is something  HE wants. I confirm that he still wants to. Then we focus on what he’s doing, how I’m  feeling, and determine if there’s a causation between the two. He then makes the  adjustment. This used to happen a lot in the beginning of the dynamic…but nowadays,  hardly ever. I also take this opportunity to check myself: Am I neglecting our dynamic?  Am I failing to recognize his efforts in an appropriate manner? If so, I make that correction. 

12. Does your sub have a schedule of chores or tasks that he does every day?

a. Yes…as a result of the Routine Task List, he has over 100 tasks. There are about 40 of  those that are done daily. They’re not all big things…so 40 isn’t really an extraordinary number.  

13. Do you inspect all of his work? 

a. No – that would be more work for me. But I’m careful to let him know that I recognize that  he’s doing it…that I care that he does it well…and that I care that he does it to serve me. I  never want him to feel alone in the dynamic. He’s doing a lot of things…every day…every  minute of every day. He’s busy serving me. It would be easy to take that for granted…but  it would be poison to do so. He needs to know I know he’s working hard for me. I want  him to know that I appreciate his submission. I thank him for his submission regularly…not for the things he does, but for why he’s doing them. 

14. How has your power dynamic evolved over the years? Does it look different today than it  did at the beginning? 

a. Definitely has changed. I’ve grown; he’s grown; the dynamic has grown. We discovered  things that no longer work for us, we’ve removed them. We’ve learned new things about  what does work for us, we’ve added those. Our discussions with others regarding the  methodology – the process of writing the books – working with other couples – all of these  things have the effect of growing the methodology and our dynamic. It has become more  grounded in reality – and continues to become more and more woven into our lives.

15. Has your philosophy changed over the years? 

a. Not since I developed the methodology. The methodology has stayed remarkably  consistent through the years. The communication of the methodology has changed, quite a bit, based on how well others grasp it – but the basic concepts of dominant-centricity,  treats / gifts, CERAF, have not. 

16. What made you write your first book, Uniquely Rika? 

a. Uniquely Rika was an attempt to describe the methodology that I had developed within  my own relationships. I found myself on IRC and Compuserve, talking to many people  about it – and started to compile my answers to questions. My message started to take  shape and gain structure…so I decided to write it all down. Then I decided to publish it! 

17. You said you’ve always been dominant in previous relationships. Has your sub husband  always been submissive in previous relationships? 

a. Yes. He has always played the submissive role in the games he played with prior  partners and with me before the methodology. 

18. You mentioned in your books, you don’t believe in punishment. Have you ever punished  your sub? Not “funishment”…but actual punishment?  

a. Yes. And I didn’t like it. I’m not my sub’s mother. In my early days, I’d give subs stair time, whippings, kneeling on rice, etc…I never saw real change. I saw fear…but no real  behavioral change. 

19. How do you keep the dynamic real and fresh so there are no ruts? 

a. Who said there are no ruts? This is reality. There are ruts. You work though them. You  talk. You sit down together and say, “you know, we haven’t been ourselves lately…what’s  going on?” And then you work through it. 

20. I’ve read in other books there is a difference between and sub and slave. Do you agree? Is  your sub more slave or sub? 

a. It’s all labels. Labels are meaningless. Some people see Master Slave as being a (mock)  ownership and others see it as top/bottom. It doesn’t mean anything to me. I generally  call my husband my “slave” and my other subs my “subs”…mostly because my husband  can’t just walk away. He’s going to have to deal with me whether we have a power  dynamic or not! �� 

To be continued… 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Pavlovian (Lack Of Responsiveness): Subs Are Not Animals

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

In my discussions with folks in the scene as well as folks who want to get into the scene, I’ve come  across the notion that subs can be trained “like animals”; that they can be conditioned, usually through  some sort of Pavlovian trigger, to respond to cause and effect and behave – perhaps without conscious  acknowledgement – in accordance with the dominant’s desires. There are many folks, usually dog or  horse trainers, who swear by the notion that subs will subconsciously respond to verbal and visual  triggers through the use of repetition and positive / negative reinforcement – and that by using such  techniques, one can create the perfect submissive. 

I’m not a believer. At least, I’m not of the belief that it works the same way as it does with animals. I  believe that there is far more complexity in the form of consent, negotiation, and agreement when it  comes to humans. I don’t feel you “train” a sub; you “enable” them. 

I acknowledge that there are many who will swear that training techniques do work the same way as it  does with animals and have the “experience” to prove it. I challenge their experience: It is my belief that  many submissives WANT to be trained and LOVE the idea of being ‘out of control’ – acting automatically ‘without will’ – and therefore, the techniques of animal training – interpreted as a kinky game and a  means to those ends – motivates the sub to go along with the training. The end result LOOKS like  Pavlovian training, but is actually only effective as long as the sub is willing to play along. When push  comes to shove, the submissive is voluntarily complying…because it suits them. Unlike Pavlovian  conditioning, the result is not subconscious at all…in fact, it’s quite the opposite. 

The difference between humans and animals, is that humans rationalize. A human doesn’t just respond  to stimulus, they analyze why that stimulus occurred and choose how to respond to it. If someone is  creating a “Cause and effect” scenario for them, they seek to understand the motivation of that person; they intellectually recognize how the manipulation is intended to work. Humans may agree and react to  that manipulation, but, unlike an animal, they are consciously aware of the motivation and intent of the  actions and make a conscious decision to comply. That’s how humans work…and subs are humans (most  of them!).  

If you give a dog a treat every time it sits up and gives you its paw, it will eventually associate those  things. Animals learn cause and effect. A dog will do the trick without knowing why you want them to do  so. It does it without knowing they’re being trained. They just know that if they do this, they get that…so  they do this if they want that. 

A sub will also associate the treat with the trick; however, it is far deeper than that. The sub knows that  the dominant is advancing this compensation. The sub understands that the dominant wants him to sit  up and offer a paw … and that in order to get him to do that, the dominant is offering something that  the sub wants in return (or something the sub wants to avoid – in the case of negative enforcement). 

For some submissives, just having the dominant interested in training them in this way is enough to get  them to comply. The compensation doesn’t even matter. It’s enough that the dominant enjoys the  “game of training” and they are excited by the prospect that they will respond in a Pavlovian manner – so they choose to comply. 

For others the sub is deciding – assessing the quality of the compensation and determining if it is ‘good  enough’ to ‘earn’ their compliance. They feel in control of determining what it will take to “train them”.  They may even choose to try to escalate the compensation over time, by slowing down the reaction  time between cause and effect, in an attempt to prompt the dominant to increase the cause to obtain  the same effect. You don’t see animals playing that game (if you can get a paw for a cookie, you don’t  see the dog suddenly start to refuse to give you their paw unless you give them TWO cookies). 

To me, training a sub is more about enabling them than manipulating them. I’m not trying to build up  subconscious reactions to stimuli – there is an “automaton / Stepford” fantasy that’s just not my thing – My approach to “training” is to make sure my objectives and expectations are clear to the submissive and assure that they have the skills and materials to get the job done to the best of their ability. I’m not  threatening them with what will happen if they don’t comply, nor am I rewarding them when they do. I’m simply assessing their performance and providing the feedback necessary (positive and negative) to  demonstrate that I recognize their efforts and am interested in helping them to improve themselves. I’m  completely open with my assessment – their sense of fulfillment when they’ve done a great job and I’m  thrilled with their work, is its own reward…and conversely, if they are not hitting the mark, their own  motivation to improve. 

Ultimately, a sub who is motivated to be the best they can be, will seek out the assessment and demonstrate the self-discipline to improve. They will internalize your goals and objectives as their own. I  don’t need to manipulate them. As a dominant, my job is to be extremely clear in communication of my  preferences and expectations; to openly expect them to strive to meet those objectives; to recognize  their efforts, assess them, and provide the feedback necessary to let them know how well they are  meeting their goal; and to give them adjustments to help them improve when they’re not. The long termed goal, for both of us, is for them to learn to become the best submissive – for me – that they can  possibly be. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Hourglasses, Toilet Brushes, and Other Kooky Ideas – Pervertables

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Gags, blindfolds, earmuffs, hoods, inversion tables, and even vacuum beds; we have devised a tons of ways to mess with the mind in play. Using fear and trust to create a delicious combination of confusion and adrenalin; anticipation and dread. I will use anything I can lay my hands on, manipulate, or change to keep a bottom guessing. Chief among them are pervertables.

A pervertable is anything designed for a non-kinky purpose, which you can use for kinky means. The possibilities are endless, and exciting!

A while back Nibbles and I were walking through a discount store called Gabe’s and saw these uncaged hour glasses. All different colors of sand and in several differing sizes. Now I am always on the hunt for pervertables, everywhere. It is like a fetish all its own. So when I saw those hour glasses my first thought was how I could use one in a scene, not about what a cool conversation piece it could be. Thinking about it for a moment, the seeds of a scene started budding in my head.

A horse sweat scraper at Tractor Supply; a knotted rope toy at PetCo, Rural King had a great lunge whip; Shoknife through a tactical training supply company; and the list goes on. Even ornamental Grass at the Dollar Store is not safe from being violated by the thoughts in my head. Whatever I can pull out and make a bottom go, “damn….what the fuck are you going to do with that?!?!?” is something I am going to be interested in.

Messing with Nibbles – A Pervertable in Action

Nibbles has always challenged me to come up with something new and different. She can get bored quickly. Enter the hourglass.

Setting the mood that night by pulling out some of her favorites; a blindfold, ball gag, floggers, crop, and steel hand irons I could see her anticipation building as each piece was laid out. Normally, I have her lay out toys out and ready the space. This night though, doing it myself was part of the setup. Each taken from the closet or the trunk. Laid carefully in front of her, just so I could pull out the hourglass last. Carefully removing it from the drawer it was secreted in I set it on the dresser without a word.

The look on her face was what I thought it would be, confusion. “Sir??? What’s that for?”

To say I felt a bit of glee at the question would be an understatement. I almost giggled like a schoolgirl. Luckily, her eyes were on the hourglass instead, allowing me a moment to regain my composure. I smiled at her and began explaining the goal for the night. Outlast the hourglass. Simple right? All she had to do was stick with 90 minutes of medium impact mixed with tickling, teasing, orgasm denial, scratching, biting, and whatever else I could dream up. Such a trusting soul.

With her on her hands and knees on the bed and laying over a wedge, I started the hourglass, put her blindfold on……… then tipped the hourglass on to its side. Time for her stopped without her knowing it. Warmup, a bit of play, just enough to get her revved up. 20 minutes later I set the hourglass back up quietly, and “accidently” moved her blindfold when I lifted her chin to kiss her. Nibble’s eyes locked immediately on the glass. The effect was exactly what I had hoped for. Utter disbelief.

Wash, rinse, repeat. She pushed the boundaries of her endurance that night. She was determined not to fail. The result was one of the most amazing scenes we had in quite a while. Both of us were completely wrung out nearly five hours later. To her, it had only been 90 minutes.

Oddities Can Be as Devious as a Single-Tail: I do not do much of the shopping for our home. Nibbles takes care of that for the most part. Once in a while, I venture out to give her a break, which she dreads since I tend to return with something in addition to groceries and household needs. On one such occasion, walking down the cleaning aisle in Wal-Mart a rack of toilet brushes caught my eye and I grabbed one of the horseshoe shaped ones.

Briefly testing it out on my forearm by scraping the stiff bristles against my skin and then snapping it sharply against the inside of my arm a good 20 times to see what it could do. Winner winner chicken dinner! Very small, very red spots began to show in short order. And it stung like fuck! Looked like it would be great for abrasion play and maybe some impact.

She laughed at it when I brought it home. Not so much the next day. Now it is one of her go to stories she tells her friends about pervertables I have purchased.

You Are Only Limited by Your Imagination

A pervertable can be anything you use to manipulate the scene, not just an implement you use on your bottom. The hourglass being one example. Stripped down springs from an old mattress to create an electrobed; wood pallets to create a bondage wall; strobe lights to create visual sensory hyperstimulation; and even a fog machine to create a sense of envelopment…… really the only limits on what you could possibly use, are the ones you put on yourself.

Breaking the bank on very cool high-end toys and gadgets is not something you have to do when setting up your kit. I have found items in everywhere from Dollar Tree (everything is a dollar) to boutique craft stores. Sure, I have plenty of well-made floggers, paddles, slappers, canes, tawses, whips, restraints, Wartenberg Wheels, and other gizmos. But none of them quite get the first-time reaction a well thought out pervertible gets. Half the fun, at least for me, is keeping a bottom guessing about what could be coming next.

If you would rather stick to the standards, by all means do so. But if you are looking to get more adventurous in your toy selections, start thinking outside the box. Take your partner out with you on a pervertible gathering adventure and see what you can find!

Some Things to Keep in Mind When Looking for and Buying Pervertables

As in anything kink, safety is always a concern. We do not want our toys disintegrating in the middle of play and inadvertently causing injury. Causing marks or issues we are not prepared or planned for. Or causing a trust issue to develop, because we as tops did not take the time to really think things through. Considers some of the following when looking at potential pervertables:

–          Avoid anything that can break or shatter easily, even if you are just going to use it for sensation play. If you lay it down for a minute on the bed (or wherever) and then put your knee on it or someone rolls on it, you could be in for a rude awakening, and possibly a visit to the ER.

–          If you can afford to, buy one to beat the hell out of first. Punish it to make sure it will not fall apart on you when you least expect it. You can always buy another one if you think it will work out. Not to mention, having your new toy break during play can be a real bummer.

–          Test the item our on yourself first. Not everything is going to feel or work how you think it will. You may need to change how you think you will be using it, or not use it at all.

–          Be quick to recognize something may be a bad idea. We all have good idea fairies riding on our shoulders. Sometimes they are full of bad advice. Your bottom’s safety and the dynamic are more important than your pride and the $20.00 you spent.

–          Even though you tested the item on yourself, go slow the first few times you use it. Test the waters to make sure it is working how you thought. Be quick to adjust if it does not.

–          Remember, you are going to have to clean it after play (and initially sanitize it). Avoid items which are difficult to clean well.

Be Willing to Laugh –  A Lot

Like everything else, this road of pervertables will be littered with failures. Great! That is how we learn. Expect the unexpected and realize, just because something does not work out how you thought it might, it is not a reflection on either of you. Laugh it off. No really….laugh it off. Nothing repairs a blown moment like refusing to take yourself too seriously.

Using normal implements can be difficult enough to master. Devising and using something completely out of the box is just asking for the need of a good giggle.

Have Fun 🙂

Playing with pervertables can be a great time for all, help us be more creative, keep the surprise in play, and can even be a great scavenger hunt when you are out and about. From searching the local flea market to turning an item in to a finished product and using it, I have a great time through the whole process. Even teasing Nibbles when we are out at the market by pulling something weird of the shelf, showing it to her with a wry smile and getting a, “hell NO!” in response is fun in and of itself.

Be creative and open to possibilities, what you might find at Lowes or even a garage sale can be surprising. You never know where you might find the next favored gem for you toy chest.

TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to several online educational groups such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; and the Virtual Munch. His writing includes information on self-improvement, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics and power exchange, and safety. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for nearly three decades. He can be found on Fetlife at TAC_1.