Article - Guest Author

An Analysis Of BDSM’s Old Guard

April 10, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

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The More Things Change, They Stay the Same

“I have problems with the way in which the distinction between ‘Old Guard’ and ‘New Guard’ is sometimes deployed. While there are many differences between leather/SM as it was practiced in the 1950’s and as it is practiced today, the shorthand terms can exaggerate and oversimplify our past and present.

Most of the alleged differences popularly thought to differentiate ‘Old Guard’ and ‘New Guard’ – formality versus informality, strict etiquette versus a more casual style of social interaction, deliberate training versus less organized acquisition of skill and knowledge – are more a matter of degree than absolute distinctions.” (Old Guard, New Guard; Cuir Underground; Gayle Rubin; 1998)

Even though this was published 23 years ago, it is as true today as it was then. Just change the terminology from “Old Guard” and “New Guard” to “New Guard” and “The New Generation.” Nothing which is being done today, is new. It has come full circle back to the beginning of Leather and kink in the 50’s and 60’s. Not quite back to the free for all and burgeoning organization(s); more of an organized chaos where there is less emphasis on exclusive organization and more on the individual and the sharing of information. Leather, both organized and unorganized, was near the beginning of a more overt kink culture in the United States. Their ideas, culture, and some of their traditions are still defining our journeys today, whether we want to admit it or not.

The Spirit of Kink Preserved

“All through this Handbook I will be at great pains to point out that much of what I have to say is opinion….. Your reaction may be entirely different, and your desires may exceed or fall short of the action I describe. This is exactly as it should be. No one – Larry Townsend or anyone else – can even begin to set the standards for your sexual needs and/or behavior.” (The Original Leatherman’s Handbook; Larry Townsend; 1972) This was the spirit of kink from the beginning which still pervades today. That there was not and will not be one way, one true way, or one way to be/conform to. Kink has been and still is a rare bastion of freedom in a world where everything we do from the wearing of socks to what shop we buy our coffee from becomes scripted.

If you are interested in, or are part of, a clan/house/family in BDSM you most likely have agreed to a structure and set of rules to be part of that organization. All well and good. However, all of that is dependent on being in the organization. Not kink, not Leather, not BDSM. It is their way, and possibly yours. I am not arguing against organizations, only saying that the structure and rules, are not kink dependent, they are organizationally dependent. Kink is its own animal; wild, untamed, and free. How it is expressed by the multitudes is up to each individual which can include a thousand rules, or none at all.

There Are No Magical Answers – Only History

There is still a lot of debate regarding what, if anything, the “Old Guard” was. I hear some people talk today about how they are like the “Old Guard.” How, if three generations back they were confused as to what it really was? Guy Baldwin, in a speech he gave in Tacoma, WA (September 20, 2014) referred to the subject by characterizing it as the, “….single most troublesome, misunderstood, divisive, and distracting issue to bedevil our leather world, and for succeeding generations: of course, I refer to The Old Guard.” (Full text of the speech available here Old Gods Die Hard | by Leatherati | Leatherati Online)

Even Jack Rinella stated he was a relative latecomer to Leather (circa late 70’s). Having done research into this subject himself he freely opined he had a hard time pinning down what the, “Old Guard,” was and he was much closer to the source than we are today.

They did not refer to themselves as, “Old Guard,” and by admission (through available essays and writing) many who were around in that era freely stated it was chaotic, a jumble of expectations getting loosely defined by organizations which began to form over time. Feeling their way through life, just as we are now. Figuring it out as we go along. There was no roadmap to help them preordain the way it would turn out as many historians would like us to believe.

Yet, there are many aspects of that era which survive today and things which we have added along the way. This forms an ever-evolving way of looking at and practicing kink. Where there was once S/M now there is BDSM which was not coined until decades later. Where safety and accountability were certainly mentioned in points of S/M history; Safe, Sane, and Consensual became a watch phrase born in the early 80’s. Early on there were not even Tops or bottoms let alone Dominants/Masters and submissves/slaves. All of this evolved through time. Much of which during can be considered in the, “New Guard,” era. If there is such a thing.

Even through evolution, the best ideas and values seem to survive.

Honesty and Integrity: “Real Leatherman keep their word: they do not borrow or lend money; they conduct their affairs with honor and integrity – they don’t lie.”

Recognition of experience: “Experience in the Scene determines social seniority (Top or bottom), not age, not size, not amount of leather worn, and not offices held in organizations, awards received or titles won.”

Courtesy: “….all are expected to observe rules of social courtesy – bad manners are inexcusable and can lower one’s status in the Scene….”

(The Old Guard History, Origins and Traditions; Drummer Magazine; Late 80’s; Guy Baldwin)

These are just a few examples of values set early on in the kink scene, which survive today. A quasi roadmap which did not exist in the 50’s. At least today, we have these bits and parts to lean on as a tacit guide. We may not be standing on the shoulders of giants, but path was certainly forged for us (and still is being forged) by some rather brave individuals.

Without their contributions to kink and the Scene, we may not have some of the generally accepted values today. Those values and contributions, in my opinion, are what lead people today to have a certain reverence for the past, keep us guessing about what it was really like, and if we are doing it “right” today.

Does it really matter?

Yes….. and no. It matters if you are like me; who understanding where we came from, can help inform us why we are the way we are today. If you are one who just likes to forge ahead without putting a whole like of pondering into it, maybe not. But those basic values and concepts which run through our community such as respect, courtesy, honesty, integrity, safety, etc inform our lives and the way we practice kink. Even for those who may not realize (or care about) how it all began.

Lessons hopefully passed on and learned; some traditions preserved and better ways of doing things being thought of every year and incorporated; and a spirit of freedom are at the heart of what it is that we do. An oral (sometimes written) history. Knowledge passed from the older generation to the younger in hopes they will carry the torch and keep improving on it. Some of the changes over the years have chapped my ass. But that is the nature of change and, “The New Generation,” certainly has the right to live kink in a way that makes the most sense for them.

We have a more conscious way for kink which fits with this era. One which is much more inclusive, much more safety conscious, and dare I say, much more, “out.” I cannot say the last decade has been entirely comfortable for me since the release of Fifty Shades of Grey (2011) popularized kink, but it has been certainly exciting, as well as exhausting. I look forward to the developments coming in the next ten years.

Note: For more information on the authors referenced in this article, please visit the links included below (in order of reference):

Gayle Rubin – Gayle Rubin – Wikipedia

Larry Townsend – Larry Townsend – Wikipedia

Guy Baldwin – Guy Baldwin – Wikipedia , Guy Baldwin – Leather Hall of Fame

Jack Rinella — Jack Rinella’s Home Page (leatherviews.com)

Overcoming Obstacles to General Acceptance Requires Focus on the D/s in BDSM

April 2, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

I am confident that there will come a time, when relationships with power dynamics will be commonly accepted in our culture. We are already seeing signs of it in popular media: BDSM has become a bit more “mainstream”; moving beyond its presence in fashion and showing up in more real ways. Power dynamics are plots and sub-plots in the shows we view at home, in the movie theaters, and in books.

BDSM is arriving, but not “all of it”. B&D and S&M are being depicted, but D/s is lagging far behind! In many ways, it’s easier to depict BDSM without D/s. It’s relatively easy to have actors “do things to each other” than to pull off the deeper character development needed to portray a committed D/s dynamic convincingly and so, for impact value, ease of production, and perhaps out of lack of understanding, media has embraced S&M and B&D and foregone the emotional commitment of D/s.

This creates some issues, not the least of which is that the imagery of B&D and S&M, particularly as portrayed within the media, is very closely aligned with the imagery of abuse, biker-outlaws, Nazism, and psychotics! As someone who just wants to engage in consensual healthy power dynamics, this is quite troublesome.

As I’ve pointed out previously, power dynamics in media, which is a critical first step in acceptance in culture, is in its infancy. We are barely beginning to be introduced to characters of substance, who have a healthy interest in D/s; who do not have to be damaged by childhood trauma, or psychotic drive as an excuse to enjoy open power exchange. Only barely…for most of the characters still suffer from some aspect of that excuse, or are portrayed as comedic shills – wild, out-there characters who will push any norm. We have not yet seen a character within a power dynamic, who does not require a “reason” for being involved in it. It is not “normal” yet – and therefore needs an explanation to be believable.

This is going to change. Much the way interracial relationships used to be verboten – then accepted with excuse – and now presented everywhere, without calling any attention to itself; power dynamics will eventually be portrayed as a matter of course – a sub-text – and nothing out of the ordinary. We will eventually relate to the characters in such a way that they will be able to accept their interests without need for explanation. We will get to the point where we won’t need to understand Joe and Mary’s childhood experiences to accept that they are a happily married couple – and Mary chooses to serve Joe as his submissive”. We’ll just accept that and be focused on the real plot of the show.

I hope to live long enough to see the day…but I do believe it WILL happen.

What are the obstacles standing in the way of making this happen? The first problem to overcome is to establish that people can choose to be dominant or submissive without it reflecting a weakness or a flaw in their character. We still seem to need an explanation – a reason why someone would want to stray from the perceived norm. The assumption is that there HAS to be something lacking or damaged in the personalities.

There is a learned resistance to power dynamics that stems from society’s proactive attempts to criminalize abuse. Due to the abolition of slavery, the emancipation of women, and the movement against discrimination of all types – there is an overarching sensitivity to repression and imbalance. We naturally want to repel any unfairness. However, conflating consensual power dynamics with these examples of non-consensual abuse is misleading, and harmful.

Even once we can clarify the difference between consensual power dynamics and non-consensual abuse, there are still other obstacles to overcome. Gender bias very much sways acceptance. The generalization is that men tend to be dominant and women tend to be submissive. Intellectually, we know how wrong that stereotype is. It has been a high obstacle for rebellion in women’s rights activists who have had to fight it. Even though our young generations are being raised without that assumption, it’s still present and impacts the way media portrays the dynamics.

If I were to present a show where Joe is Mary’s master, the audience would accept the premise. Of course, the feminist mentality in all of us would challenge the producers with claims that the relationship is setting back women’s independence by many years and there would be flack for allowing the stereotype to be perpetuated, but no one would challenge the nature of the arrangement. The audience would never challenge why Joe wants to be the dominant. They would even accept that Mary is submissive. Dominance=masculinity…submission=femininity.

But turn it around: Joe is Mary’s submissive. Suddenly, the audience will seek to find a rationale: WHY does he want to be submissive? What is lacking from his masculinity? Is he “pussy-whipped”? Is he a “mama’s boy” or Is he compensating for some childhood trauma? Is he looking for a release from the pressures of his otherwise dominant life? Furthermore, why would Mary want to be dominant? Is she a radical feminist? Does she hate men? The audience will struggle figure out what’s driving these two to make such a diversion. It’s viewed as “Role-Reversal” because the popular beliefs have been challenged. Gender bias is a huge obstacle.

It’s also interesting that BDSM submission seems easier for the public to accept than dominance. Dominance is viewed as the one “doing the doing”. This is the BDSM-mentality of doing things TO the submissive. That’s the imagery. Under this assumption, people will “excuse” a submissive, by attributing their acceptance as weakness in the presence of the power and persuasion of a determined dominant. But the motivations of a dominant are immediately suspect and have no excuse. They are evil, power hungry Bond-villains, out to take over the world. They are psychotic sadists, who have to hurt to be whole.

How does this change? How do we find BDSM relationships to be acceptable regardless of gender, and be brought out from behind closed doors? How do we get to a point where submission and dominance are equally acceptable?

I believe that a focus on D/s as the primary motivation for a couple, without the necessity of the imagery of S&M and B&D, will begin to bridge acceptance. Establishing an emotional bond between two partners in which one chooses to serve the other, will be more easily digested by the public. Most people have felt the desire to serve another and most people will accept that allowing someone to serve you (who WANTS to serve you) can be a natural response. Most people will accept that you don’t have to be psychotic to feel and desire consensual power dynamics.

As we all know, B&D and S&M are OPTIONAL ACTIVITIES in a relationship with D/s power dynamics. They are elected within the context of the power agreement. They will likely not be the only activities. Portray this in the media, even though it’s much harder to do, and we will see a change in perception and acceptance. Once the emotional bond is established in the minds of the viewers, they will accept it as the motivation for any physical bondage that follows. So long as the D/s is the primary motivation, the practices of B&D and S&M will be more readily acceptable and the public will not be dreaming up more destructive rationale for the actions. And if they are not present at all, more people will be exposed to, and understand, pure D/s dynamics…that can’t be a bad thing!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Safe Caller Does Not Mean Chatty Friend

March 26, 2021 By Dame TylerRose. 2 Comments

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Some people seem to think that the job of the safe caller is not all that important. “It’s just what you would normally do, letting someone know where you are” is an attitude I’ve recently seen.

That is wrong. Painfully wrong. Dangerously wrong.

The purpose of a safe caller isn’t just so someone knows where you are; the other person knows you have back up; or to calm your nerves while waiting.

Yes, those may be aspects of the job. I’ve been all three of those things, because the safe caller is whatever the person going to the meeting needs them to be. Most of the time, those things are all that is needed.

The ultimate purpose of a safe caller, however, is to call the police to rescue your ass if shit goes sideways.

I know a great many wonderful people. I would not, however, pick the biggest flake to be my safe caller. Or the one I know is not good under pressure or in emergency situations. If I wouldn’t trust them to watch a puppy for the weekend, I’m not going to trust them with my life.

In fact, I have asked someone with whom I wasn’t particularly friends, because I knew she’d do the job well if shit went bad on me.

The person you select must be calm in the midst of crisis. They must be confident when speaking to authority figures, and even a little pushy about getting their point across. They must know how to efficiently give the facts without paragraphs of unnecessary information.

They must be capable of dealing effectively with 911 personnel to convey your location and the situation and get help to you as quickly as possible.

It doesn’t have to be a ten point plan, but the use of a code word can be very helpful. Say the code word is deuces. You say “Is everything deuces?” If the person on the date repeats the word back to you “Yeah, it’s totally deuces!”, shit’s gone bad and they need help. If they don’t use the word “Yeah, everything is great”, all is well.

This is a serious job.
They must not hesitate to make that call if the code word is used.
They must not fail you.

Anyone will do if you’re a little nervous waiting for the other person to arrive and are texting to fill the time.

We are talking about your personal safety. If they’re not ready, willing, and capable of calling 911 for you, should it go bad, then that person is not a safe caller.

In case you do not know…

To call 911 in a city not your own, you must know the area code for the person’s location.

Dial 1- (area code) – 911

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She’s been doing this BDSM stuff for over 30 years in private and more than 12 years in public venues.

She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over twenty fiction books that you can find on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can find more of her work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/
FB Regular page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseAuthor

She enjoys crochet, coffee, and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

If You Aren’t Enjoying It, Why Do It?

March 21, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

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Not everyone is cut out to be balls deep in this lifestyle and there is nothing wrong with that. I have seen more posts than I can count in educational groups about people who are absolutely miserable trying to be a slave/submissive or master/dominant. Why? The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Somewhere in the same post is often a statement, “I think I am just going to give it all up.” Again…WHY? Because it has to be all or nothing? Hogwash!

You do not have to be a fulltime “lifestyler” in a dynamic to enjoy what BDSM and kink have to offer. There is no rule saying you must be all in or get out.

Like a menu at a Chinese restaurant, you can find enjoyment in the pieces and parts that are on offer. So what if a Total Power Exchange is not for you. Maybe you just like taking or giving over control once a month. Who cares if you are not a massive pain slut and would rather a good tickle. Good for you. The world would be a boring place if everybody was meeting a, “kink standard.”

Make your own mosaic of what fits you and roll with it. If you are unhappy as a submissive and hate having rules, you might be a kinkster who just likes to bottom occasionally as a play partner. Great! If you are a Dom/me who is struggling and frustrated constantly, same deal. Maybe being the occasional top is for you. There have certainly been points in my kink life where I backed off the lifestyle and just spent some time playing.

If you do change from one role to another, you can always change back, or into something completely different. Being a certain something or that if you are that something, a certain way, in not required. No matter what the peanut gallery has to say.

If you are one of the many out there who have found yourself in limbo, frustrated, and confused. Have hope. There is a place and kink for damn near anybody in our carnival of paraphilias. So do not jump out of the clown car just yet.

Take Time to Define Your Needs

Take some time to really evaluate yourself and your needs. Without comparing yourself to anyone else. What kinks pique your interest? What makes you feel good/bad? What are the things you are unsure about? Why are you unsure about them? What are the things you absolutely have to have? How often? Etc.

As I said, without comparing yourself to anyone else. You are the one unique you. There is no expectation that you become Super-Master Single-Tail Esquire, or the ultimate slave. Do not worry about living up to an image you have in your mind or what you think everyone else in kinktopia will consider, “legitimate.” Just be you.

And if you have not got that figured out yet…… so what? You will get there. Be patient.

It can be OK to just play.

Not everyone has to have a deep personal connection when they are practicing their kink. Sometimes play for play’s sake, is a good thing. As long as it’s safe and with someone you can trust. It is how we figure out what we like; by trying things out.

I have several play partners (bottoms) who are friends, but not romantic interests at all. The scenes are rarely emotional. What they want one in a while is to get broken down, beat, and sometimes humiliated. Seems to recharge their batteries and they are good for a couple of weeks. After the scene, we go back to being just friends. I do not view them as less than a dedicated submissive, or somehow inferior in the lifestyle. That is just them, and I accept them for who and what they are.

When you are ready, explore!

Like those bottoms I described, you have a niche, even if you have not found it yet. Explore different things, with different people if you can. How one person tops in fire play can be completely different from someone else. Conversely, if you are a top who enjoys impact, not all masochist bottoms are going to get your motor running. Sometimes physical and/or intellectual chemistry matters.

There are plenty of kink inventory charts out there for reference. Pick one and start making a bucket list. We do it with everything else in life why not this? Make friends in the community and start learning who is good at what and who likes what. Share your goals with people. A lot of people in our little world want to be helpful and for others to have good experiences. You might be surprised how easy it is to check some of those kinks off your list.

Do not be afraid of change.

Everything changes, as much as we do not want it to at times. Learn to embrace it. Who you are today regarding kink, is not who you are going to be two years from now, let alone ten. Your experiences will mount, preferences evolve, and your skill/knowledge will be greater. All of this is a good thing. Try not to hold on too tightly to the way things are now. If you do, you may get stuck in a rut and find yourself being disappointed in the future. Our partners are growing and changing also, so we need to be looking forward and evolving with them (for long term relationships).

To borrow a cliché, it’s not the destination, it is the journey. Enjoy where you are now. In the future, look back on it fondly, but do not let what might have been weigh you down. There is always a new adventure right around the next corner. If you spend too much time looking back, you might miss it.

Sometimes things just end.

In the wide world of kink, there has been a massive influx of those who want to jump in the deep end feet first but have not figured out how to swim yet. Most dynamics are doomed before the ever get started. Poor communication skills, unrealistic expectations, or just plain not being committed take them down on a regular basis.

If this has happened to you, do not be too hard on yourself. Do he honest. Look at yourself and own your part in why something went sideways. Then commit to being better and make a plan to do so. Breakups are almost never one sided. Even if your partner was silent on the issue, you have an idea of the things you need to work on.

While you are a free radical, practice your communication and being honest to a fault. Think about your expectations and if they are realistic. Where they may have been with one partner, they may or may not be with your next.

Not every dynamic has to be a forever one. I have entered into dynamics where we both knew it had an expiration date for differing reasons. They are looking for their forever man/woman/partner; or they have a primary (poly) and are wanting to learn/gain experience for a time – are a couple of examples. As long as you both know what those reasons are and are comfortable with the arrangement, go for it. Something to keep in mind the next time you are vetting if you dive back in the pool.

Above all, enjoy yourself.

If you are not having fun anymore, there is a reason. Take a beat and figure out what that is. There is a ton of crap in our regular lives to drag us down, kink should not be among them. What it is that we do should build us up! Inspire self-confidence; be a means to learn about ourselves; and be a reasonably safe haven from the mundane world. Yes, there are going to be rough patches. Those are opportunities to grow and change. Take them for what they are, learn, and move forward.

BDSM and Kink can be as fun as you want it to be. Sure, it takes some effort and self-reflection at times to keep it on track. In the end, that effort is worth it. Better than being stuck in a negative loop wishing things were better.

Be the genuine you. Be in control of your own destiny, and Be adventurous. When you are 80 and looking back, it will put a smile on your face.

TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to several online educational groups such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; and the Virtual Munch. His writing includes information on self-improvement, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics and power exchange, and safety. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for nearly three decades. He can be found on Fetlife at TAC_1

What’s Your Fetish?

March 13, 2021 By SafferMaster 3 Comments

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Fetish: Plural noun: fetishes

1. a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc. “Victorian men developed fetishes focusing on feet, shoes, and boots”

2. an excessive and irrational devotion or commitment to a particular thing. “he had a fetish for writing more opinions each year than any other justice”

The origin is first Latin (facticius), then Portuguese (Feitico – meaning charm or sorcery), then French (fétiche) then English (factitious) and then finally between French and English in the 17^th century – Fetish.

The early 17^th century use from its original use originally denoting an object used by the peoples of West Africa as an amulet or charm from the French fétiche and from the Portuguese feitico meaning ‘charm or sorcery’ – originally an adjective meaning ‘made by art’, from the Latin factiitius.

If you look at the use of the word ‘fetish’ over time, you can see how it has increased in use over the last 30 or so years that coincidently tracks the internet.

This implies that the use of search technology has allowed people to investigate their own peculiar interests.

“FETISHES” is a menu item on Fetlife and they also have a scale of the “most popular” fetishes as rated by the number of users of the site who have noted their partular preference for the noted fetishes.

The top 20 fetishes as rated by the users of Fetlife (as of 2/22/2021) are in order:

1. Oral Sex

2. Bondage

3. Spanking

4. Anal Sex

5. Hair Puling

6. Blindfolds

7. Talking Dirty

8. Biting

9. Lingerie

10. Toys

11. Handcuffs

12. Ass Play

13. Discipline

14. Breast/Nipple Play

15. Collar and Lead/Leash

16. Sex in Public

17. Musutal Masturbation

18. Role Play

19. Masturbation

20. Candle Wax

The top 20 are mostly all related to sexual interaction, but as you go down the list, fetishes include relationship dynamics such as number 21. Master/Slave or objects such as number 31. High Heels.

Fetishes can be common vanilla expresions suchas number 33. Kissing, or unrelated to particpatory sex at all such as number 25. Erotic Photography.

Fetishes can involve aspects of play that are specific such as number 30. Face Fucking or be more broad in their application such as number 24. Rough Sex.

Even on Fetlife (fetish is in the title) they identify only the top 100 fetishes by particpation of their users. It is not an exhaustive list and I am sure if they were to publish every fetish identified by a user, their list might be into the several hundreds.

The fact is that something is a fetish if you are sexually obsessed about it. Or as noted a the beginning something or an object to which your gratification is linked “…to an abnormal degree.”

If you get aroused by it, it’s a fetich. If you like to have it done to you in a sexual scene, it’s a fetish. If you like to do it to your partner in a sexual scene, it’s a fetish. If it makes you aroused, it’s a fetish.

If you happen to review the list, and you don’t see your particular sexual gratification item on the list, it’s still a fetish.

There is not a “right way to fetish” and a “wrong way to fetish.” Its personal. If you like it that your partner licks ash off the floor, for example, it’s a fetish (I met a girl once who had a “licking dirty things” fetish, so it’s not even something that I made up!)

On our podcast, the Kinky Cocktail Hour we have interviewed a couple of different people who have novel ways to explore the world of kink. In this conversation with the “Kinky Intorverts” (https://www.buzzsprout.com/962578/4023662), they describe how they made a deck of playing cards with different kinks, and how they use those cards to create a scene and how they negotiate who would be Top and who Bottom and then they explore the kink. They went further. They invited us onto their show to talk them through marking with a cane. Then they workshopped it, then they played together using a cane and then they reported back on it. They use this process to explore and play with different fetishes to see if they like them or not. It’s actually brilliant.

Another conversation we had was with the developers of the KinkQuest (https://www.buzzsprout.com/962578/5493526) where they described an online game where a kinkster can learn, experience, and discover more about different fetishes.

If you are a curious person and you are not sure what’s missing from your sex life, strategies such as those described above could be an excellent way to explore you own fetishes. Being fully self-expressed as a kinkster is one of the most enjoyable ways to engage in adult recreation.

It’s not uncommon that individual fetishes are sourced in childhood. This sort of thinking is promoted in movies like Blue Velvet and on TV shows like the Sopranos. It was true for me too. My kink of caning girls and women is directly sourced to me growing up in a school system where classroom corporal punishment was practiced. In my particular case, the girl I had little bit of a crush on got caned in front of the room, then sat on my foot and had an orgasm. Of course not, I use a cane to mark Lady Petra weekly and it’s a deeply meaningful part of our scene where we reconnect each week.

Can a person have more than one fetish? Well yes of course. Anything can be a fetish and you can have as many as you can think of. All that is required is for you to have a “…sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc” and you have a fetish.

We are often asked if fetishes are healthy. The initial answer is “yes”, and it is worth noting that it is quite possible to have fetishes that are risky, such as self-asphyxiation. I am sure you have read about people inadvertently hanging themselves in their closet while they masturbate. If you are going to have a fetish like self-asphyxiation, make sure that you have a fail-safe release or that you have another person nearby. Some people enjoy self-bondage, and they create elaborate schemes to make escape hard, but possible, in a pinch. They may do things like freeze the key in an ice cube, for instance, in order to make their escape hard but inevitable. It goes without saying that if your kink involves another person, that they unqualified consent is required. Especially in such kinks as impact play or rope bondage. Never step over consent.

It is also noted that in many states, several fetishes that fall into the category that is legally known as ‘sodomy’, including oral sex in some stats, are still illegal. If you live in Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, North Carolina, Oklahoma and South Carolina, your fetish my still be against the law. For this reason, you should make sure that you and your partner are aware of the law.

It’s always best to check with your partner if your fetish crosses line for them. If they have a hard limit, then you are not free to express yourself in this fashion, not matter how much it arouses you. If they say that it’s a ‘soft limit”, that means that there are circumstances where they may engage in that fetish, and you will need their expressed consent to engage in that fetish.

I am fortunate to have a very kinky sex forward and kink forward relationship with Lady Petra where we are almost 100% aligned in our kinks and our fetishes. The result is that sexual encounters take us to places where time stands still, and the experience is outside of language. Now even with that being said, there are still things that she and I do not engage in. There are common fetishes that hold no magic for us. There are hard limits and soft limits. And I can comfortably say that our real fetish is communication. That works for us because it is out of being fully in communication about our sexuality that we experience the bliss we do.

Communication is the one fetish that I think ALL kinksters should explore.

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms

Hard Limits And D/s Dynamics

March 7, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

lesbian collar bdsm play — via stock.adobe.com

From time to time, I make a comment that stirs up a bit of controversy. This week, the heresy was that I made the statement that I see no reasons for “Hard Limits” in established, founded, D/s relationships. I took a bit of flack regarding safety, communications, rights, etc.

So, before we get into my rationale, let’s quickly define a “Hard Limit”: A pre-negotiated activity, situation, or issue that participants considered to be prohibited.

It’s important to note, that my statement was made with respect to established and founded D/s Relationships. That is: Those with established, healthy underlying relationships (see my other articles regarding the “Layers” and what an “underlying relationship entails”) and relationships with developed, understood power dynamics.

I do see value in Hard Limits in other circumstances. For example, in a dynamic that’s built on a new relationship – or one that’s otherwise relatively early in its BDSM development – Situations where the dominant and submissive do not know each other well. In those cases, having the communication required to establish a set of hard limits is extremely valuable and likely even necessary for safety.

As my relationships are all firmly established and founded, I find the notion of limits to be restrictive for the dominant and indicative of a problem with the intent of the submissive. This is the fundamental assertion that raised the dander of many of the conversation’s participants.

My argument harkens back to the discussion of “Layers”; specifically, that different relationship attributes source their intent from the underlying relationship and others source from the power dynamic that is layered on top of that relationship. The requirements for a successful relationship (with or without a power dynamic) are things like: Caring, Respect, Honesty, Open Communications, Trust, Mutual Fulfillment of Needs, Companionship, etc.

It is my contention that, in D/s relationships that have established underlying relationships, the types of things that are “protected” within a “Limit” are naturally handled, without the need for a formalized structure. If you care about the physical and mental health of your partner, you’re not going to do things that harm them. You aren’t going to violate their trust. Therefore, the establishment of a formal “Hard Limit” is redundant. Worse than just being unnecessary, the restrictive nature of the INTENT of establishing a formal hard limit, indicates that the submissive does not trust the dominant to care for them – and feels that a contractual construct to explicitly prohibit them is necessary. I feel that this dilutes the commitment that is being made to that dominant.

The arguments that came back (and that maybe you’re thinking right now) related to the “Safety” of the submissive: That the dominant is obligated to avoid the limited activity which protects the submissive. They also fired off on “the rights of a submissive to control what is done to their bodies”.

To the first concern, I pointed out that there is nothing legal about a hard limit. A hard limit is only as valuable as the integrity of the dominant. People who don’t respect the physical and mental health of their partners will blow through a hard limit like a yellow light at an intersection…until they get caught. Believing that creating a hard limit “protects” you, is foolishly optimistic.

In this way, a “Hard Limit” is like a slavery contract – it’s communication for the purpose of understanding, but it can’t actually be enforced. There is no real binding mechanism. There is only the trust and honor of the partners. In the case of violations, where your partner isn’t honoring, or respecting your wishes, the only recourse you have (in both cases) is to end the dynamic. So “Safety” isn’t a real advantage.

With regard to the rights of the submissive: When you consider the underlying relationship, I feel the point is also moot. Certainly, you have the right to tell your partner what you like or don’t like. You also have the right to warn your partner about things that, in your mind, will end your dynamic. That’s basic relationship 101…and it’s reality with or without a power dynamic. The lack of a specified hard limit doesn’t change a person’s basic rights. I also warn that the existence of one doesn’t guarantee them either.

Imagine a couple who’ve been married for 25 years, who do not have an open marriage. One partner discovers that the other is having an affair. Do you think there’s a practical difference in these two statements?

“I told you that fidelity was a hard limit and so I’m leaving you”

vs.

“You violated my trust, I’m leaving you”

There is no difference. These are root-level requirements of healthy established, founded relationships. There is no need for the formality of the construct.

I was asked if I would enter into a relationship with a sub who presented me with hard limits. For me, it would depend on his intent when presenting that limit. If he said, “I just want you to know that I’ve had a trigger on ‘XYZ’ my entire life and I want to make sure I never have to deal with it…please don’t put me in that situation” – then I would not hesitate taking this man on as a submissive (and I would respect his concerns).

But, if he said something along the lines of, “I will submit to you, but only if you don’t do “XYZ” – which is off limits to you.” – Then, my radar would go up and I would be far more cautious before engaging with him. I would want to probe a little further to attempt to determine his true attitude. Is his intent to limit me as a dominant, or does he just not know a better way of communicating this?

Lastly, if he said, “You can do ABC, DEF, GHI, but not XYZ – or I will be gone”, then I would likely not engage at all. It’s all about intent – and a submissive who thinks it’s his role to limit me as a dominant, isn’t a submissive for me.

When someone enters a power dynamic as a submissive, purporting to dedicate themselves to the preferences and pleasure of their partner and to serve them as their submissive, and then spells out the ways in which THEY are going to RESTRICT their partner – it dilutes the meaning of the power agreement (to me). That doesn’t mean the submissive partner can’t communicate their preferences and even specify their hot-stops – in fact, I want to know that and I seek that out…but the attitude of RESTRICTION changes the intent of the agreement – to me – and I would not accept that Hard Limit.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Online BDSM Dynamics

February 27, 2021 By Rajan Dominari 2 Comments

sexy male Dom with leather whip — via stock.adobe.com

Over the years, sexting and cybersex have definitively become a thing, as they offer a sense of anonymity otherwise not found in a face-to-face conversation. This allows people to open up faster, enhancing the feeling of emotional closeness to the person they’re interacting with, and strengthening the mental bond to the other person. This bond can be a very real thing to the one who feels it.

It can be difficult to find kink-related social events outside of the internet. If you’re into anything considered socially taboo, or something not discussed in polite society, you might find it rather difficult to bring up kink-related things, or your involvement in them, over a drink with a near-stranger. On the internet, however, you can explore whatever you feel society wouldn’t otherwise allow.

Because of these factors, online BDSM relationships are starting to become a common, as they can allow one to experiment with what they may believe their place in this lifestyle, or explore their sexual psyche, with very low physical risk. It’s not difficult to download an app, or go to website and find someone to eventually establish and explore a temporary, or longer term relationship.

Why Do People Choose to Be in an Online BDSM Dynamic?

A lot of people enter online BDSM dynamics because they live in a community where the BDSM lifestyle has little to no presence. Some people do so because they are in real-life relationships with a vanilla partner that has no inclination of, or interest in, wanting to explore BDSM in any shape or form at all. Some use an online D/s relationship to learn more about Dominance and submission, to see if it’s something that they may be interested in, before getting real-life experience. This isn’t always a good idea, if you don’t make your intentions known before starting, or at the beginning of, the relationship.

Honestly speaking, as long as the Dominant or submissive is fully honest with all of their partners, these types of relationships can be quite successful.

And finally, there are people that enter online BDSM relationships because they’re predators, or just fucking creepy, and want to see what they can get away with before someone calls them on their bullshit. Buuuut I’m trying to stay positive with this article, so… Let’s move on.

Progression in Online BDSM Dynamics

Most online BDSM relationships start out being primarily about mental exploration, without the intimacy of physical contact. For a sustainable relationship, it’s about knowing each other, and developing the trust to explore things within the dynamic.

Power exchange relationships require a lot of focus and attention by both parties, being a process of continual negotiation and adaptation. The Dominant can maintain a feeling of submission, using certain rituals, rules, and the like. The submissive can do their part via dedication and obedience. As in any relationship, imagination, creativity and attention become extremely important here.

A Dominant or submissive who neglects their partner simply because they’re in an online dynamic or long-distance relationship, will find themselves without said partner.

Here are a couple of things to keep in mind:

· As the mental space in an online dynamic can be an intense thing, there may (read: WILL) be times where you find yourself doubting your relationship. Because of this, you may find yourself wondering things like ‘how real is my partner?’ or ‘how serious am I in my relationship versus my partner?’

· It can be difficult to shift between your online dynamic and real-file, which can take a toll on you. At the extreme end, it could start to feel like dissociation, where you find yourself feeling like you’re mentally breaking away from your partner. But even if it doesn’t become extremely difficult, it can still feel draining to regularly switch mental states.

With these things said, if you start feeling off at all, you should definitely discuss it with your partner.

Fake Dominants Abound

Earlier I mentioned that there are people that enter online BDSM relationships because they’re just fucking creepy. This is definitely something you want to pay attention to, as you will no doubt attract an absolute onslaught of fake, or wannabe Dominants — especially if you’re newer to this lifestyle. Keep your wits about you, as submissive frenzy is a very real thing, and can land you in a dynamic you’d rather not be in.

In case you were wondering, yes, Dominants can come across fake submissives as well, but it happens far less than it does submissives. In most cases, these so-called submissives are simply kinky people that want to experience just that, kink. They’ve typically no desire to be a submissive, and will prove to be a total waste of your efforts.

To continue, online BDSM relationships can present their own unique sets of challenges — and dangers. While these dangers may be more mental than physical, it doesn’t make them any less risky.

For example:

· How would submissive rebound, also known as sub-drop, be handled online?

· How would anything disciplinary be handled online?

· Do you really know anything about your online partner at all?

Knowing their family history and other intimate information isn’t really an immediately important thing (it can be over time, if your relationship progresses in that direction). However, knowing certain things about their past relationships, the length of time they’ve been part of this lifestyle, knowledge-base etc.

· Is your online dynamic simply a form of escape from your everyday life, or does the relationship have more meaning than that?

· Could your partner potentially have mental health issues?

If so, is it something you can be supportive of, or is it something potentially dangerous to you?

From what I’ve found over the years, a lot of the people who would rather be in an online BDSM dynamic either don’t have access to public spaces or communities, or have had identity issues in regards to self and social acceptance, leaving no other choice for them except to explore these parts of their identities online.

When Disaster Strikes…

Online relationships can be intense, and becoming highly connected to someone who’s not physically there is a very real thing. However, when conflict happens, the stability of that connection begins to fall apart. It can suddenly seem to switch off, like a light, and everything can begin to feel like hard work, with the technological tools we initially thought so efficient, appearing to become rather ineffective. All the rituals and daily protocols that have been established over time can quickly be broken.

Hopefully this will never happen to you, but if/when it does, it’s important that you have a support system you can rely on. Online relationships can start fast and end even faster. This, of course, can be applied to any online relationship. But online BDSM dynamics can be a particularly intense, and the tough times can be very tough for some.

Now, you might be able to cope with this alone, but it’ll always be a lot easier if you have support. Friends who can listen to, and comfort you, are always going to be the best support. However, if your BDSM relationship is something that you don’t share with your friends, then it might help to have an online community to defer to. FetLife is a good place to start, as the site has groups you can join, and there are groups on Facebook that you can join as well.

Whatever you decide to do, be sure to have someone to talk to in place. Don’t ever isolate yourself — it’s not a good idea.

Online BDSM Dynamics vs Real Life BDSM

An online relationship can indeed feel very real, in my experience. Online interactions deal directly with the mind, and because of this, one can create a mental and emotional bond much faster online. This can also happen with newer submissives that are experiencing submissive frenzy.

But, it’s an important thing to keep the fantasy part of online interactions separated from real life. It can be quite easy to get lost in the fantasy that is invariably part of online BDSM dynamics. It’s equally easy (and dangerous) to believe that everything that happens during online sexting or scenes, are an exact replica of what would happen in real life.

For example, just because you’re willing to kneel in an online dynamic, doesn’t mean you can do it in real life. Or just because someone typed that they flogged you, doesn’t mean they’ve the knowledge or experience to actually do it in real life. Anyone can put on a facade of ability, in real life or in an online dynamic. But until it’s actually proven in person, it’s nothing more than that — a facade.

If you have little or no experience with aspects of BDSM in real life, then it’d be rather difficult to discuss how you might react to something. This lack of experience should be made known to your partner. By hiding your lack of experience, you’re setting up both yourself and your partner for some serious hurt. Being yourself, and not creating a fake world or background, is an absolute necessity to make an online BDSM dynamic work.

In Conclusion

As in any relationship, online BDSM dynamics require an active imagination, commitment, honesty, and time from everyone involved. With a bit of effort, an online BDSM dynamic can be a rewarding and enjoyable experience. Keeping these things firmly in mind will make the aforementioned rewards and enjoyment even greater.

Rajan Dominari is an educator, consultant, and author on the subject of BDSM and other relationships. He is the founder of Dominant Desires, a website that focuses primarily on BDSM education and advice, and the author of Welcome to the Darkside: A BDSM Primer.

Some OnlyFans Commentary

February 20, 2021 By Dame TylerRose. 4 Comments

“I hate people who post their Only Fans!”

We see some version of this multiple times a day on various social sites, usually by men.

Let’s do something. Let’s replace Only Fans with other things and see if you still hate it.

“I hate people who post their Ebay store.”
“I hate people who post their Etsy store.”
“I hate people who post their Patreon page.”

Is it still a problem?

I can hear the answers now. “No, because they’re selling a product.”

Okay, let me point something out to you right now. People who have an Only Fans also are selling a product. That product is their tits, pussy, and ass. They have every right to do so.

So if you don’t whine about a Patreon page, an Etsy store, or Ebay listings, you need to quit whining about Only Fans people.

All you’re really complaining about is that you have to pay to see the pussy.

“I hate that they’re selling a paddle they made. They should let me have that for free!” — See how stupid that sounds? That’s how stupid you sound complaining that you can’t see the pussy for free.

I can hear it now. “But they spent hours making that item and should be paid for that workmanship.” Yes. Indeed. And it takes time and effort to make a decent video. They may take fifty pics before they get the one they want to post to their Only Fans.

“Yeah, but there are a lot of crappy pictures they didn’t put effort into!” someone will say. Yup. And there are a lot of crappy, overpriced floggers populating Etsy accounts. Now you’re complaining about not being able to see crappy pics for free.

You need to really look at your behavior and attitude. You are complaining because one chick out of 1000 won’t show you her pussy without payment first. You are also complaining that ANY woman dares to restrict your visual access to her body.

Reality Check — You are not entitled to view their pussy if they don’t want you to see it without paying. They are entitled to restrict those pictures to people who pay for the privilege. You have to pay a cover to get into a strip bar. You have to buy a minimum number of drinks to go into a strip bar. Only Fans is an online version of the strip bar.

If you don’t complain about people posting links for selling their melting wax, paddles, and floggers in Etsy, then you need to shut about women making ends meet through Only Fans. Maybe you should think for a moment about the times we live in and how many people are unemployed and can’t pay their bills without that Only Fans account.

Tribute is an accepted practice. That’s what an Only Fans account is. A formalized version of tribute. You don’t have to give them money if you don’t want to. There are plenty of other women on plenty of other sites who show you all the goods for free. Good god, whatever you do, don’t go to chatterbate!

Just because you’re willing to flash your dick in your avatar doesn’t mean we have to flash the pussy. That’s why you don’t see many men with an Only Fans. They flashing that shit all over the place. LOOKAMAHDICK!

And you’re just pissed off that you don’t own every woman’s nakedness.

They have every right to try to earn a living.

You…aren’t entitled to a damn thing.

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene.

She is an award-winning author who has written three “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twenty seven fiction books that you can find on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can find more of her work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Power Exchange And Longevity

February 14, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

power exchange couple with ribbon — via stock.adobe.com

Over the past 15 years, I’ve worked with a number of couples establishing power dynamics within their relationships. I’ve seen a lot of challenges and hurdles overcome: Preconceptions, fears, assumptions, and wayward imagery. I’m happy to say that, most of the time, we have been successful at creating meaningful and long-lasting dynamics. Of course, not all the time.

The relationships that I have seen have varied in intensity; everything from spouses, partners, lovers, friends, to even professional/client relationships. I’ve seen all sorts of power dynamics layered onto those relationships; from highly intense TPE (Total Power Exchange) to playtime-only topping and bottoming.

When you start to see a cross-section of relationships, you start to notice trends. Particularly, trends in why people enter relationships, characteristics that result in good dynamics, and common reasons why people have difficulty getting a dynamic to last. People enter into power dynamics with some fairly lofty expectations. They can easily become disillusioned and disenfranchised, if those expectations are not tempered.

One of the popular beliefs among those who are into power dynamics, is that power dynamics make a relationship “stronger”. In particular, that people with power dynamics will have better communication, be closer, and have increased trust.

It’s a natural tendency to give the things that you do, particularly those that that are out of the norm, more importance than they deserve – and I’m afraid, this is one of those situations. Power dynamics do require communication, trust, and closeness – true – but they don’t, in and of themselves, create them.

Relationships have base needs. In past articles, I’ve listed a bunch of those, including: Trust, Honesty, Caring, Mutual Fulfillment of Need, Openness, Communications, Respect, etc. None of these are uniquely tied to power dynamics: Plenty of folks enjoy high levels of all of these without power dynamics — and many people who have strong power dynamics do not have high levels of these characteristics.

It’s safe to say that ANYTHING a couple can do, that relies on these base characteristics, will exercise them for the relationship. These are opportunities to prove that the characteristics are strong. However, they are also opportunities that highlight weaknesses. Relying on the relationship-level characteristics tests their voracity.

I can think of a few things that tests trust, honesty, caring, openness, communications, etc.: Rock Climbing, Scuba Diving, and Martial Arts comes immediately to mind when I think of sports; Swinging, Polyamory, Sex in open places, and power dynamics comes to mind, if I think about sex.

In my first book, way back in 2008 (omg!), one of the chapters was called, “We are no different”. In it, I made the argument that being in a power dynamic does NOT make your relationship any stronger, more vital, or more important than any other activities that promote common interests, common goals, and a strong sex life. Power dynamics are but just one of many things a couple can engage in together, which will have the same effect.

When I was growing up, I believed that a strong sex life is vital to longevity of a relationship. I still feel this is generally true. However, I also saw relationships that failed because the sex life was the primary draw that brought people together – which worked well in the beginning. However, as both parties matured at different rates, and the sex life became less “new”, if they hadn’t developed the basic requirements of relationships, they had nothing left to hold them together and the relationship disintegrated.

What I’ve come to recognize is that, unlike popular opinion, having a power dynamic does not (in and of itself) strengthen a relationship, but it CAN help to grow the characteristics that do. It’s the aspects of the underlying relationship that get exercised because of a power dynamic that really hold the relationship together. It’s the fact that power dynamics give you the opportunity to explore trust and communication, respect and consent, caring, openness, and mutual fulfillment.

I’ve also realized the corollary: That relationships don’t dissolve because of failure in the power dynamic. People don’t separate because the sex life goes bad -they may use that as a reason (not being physically fulfilled) – but it’s really just an indicator of other, deeper needs that are not being met within the relationship. A failure in the power dynamic could LEAD TO the feeling that other, relationship-level requirements, are not being met. If the communication in a relationship is good, then a void in physical desire will be discussed, mutually understood, and disposed (through agreement, resignation, or compromise).

Where relationships fail is when failures in the physical are indicators that the partner doesn’t care, isn’t interested in mutual fulfillment, and isn’t showing respect. THOSE violations impact the base of the relationship, and will put the relationship at risk. The prime example of this is when one partner sneaks off and goes outside of the relationship to get physical fulfillment behind the other’s back. They put the relationship at risk by violating the basic requirements of Trust and Respect. You’ve heard the excuse, “It was just sex, it meant nothing” … which may well be true – but it’s not the sex that does the damage, it’s the violation of the fundamental requirements of relationships: trust, caring, respect, etc. that do the harm. Someone who sneaks off to a professional dominatrix, or who creates a relationship online with a dominant, without their partner’s awareness and consent, is putting their relationship at risk – not because of a physical deficiency, but because of the relationship-impacting choices they make in dealing with the physical deficiency.

Power dynamics are not the answer, they’re the test. Longevity in a relationship relies on relationship level characteristics. Trust, caring, honesty, respect, mutual satisfaction of need, open communications, etc. – these are the things that provide longevity. Power dynamics, as well as many other activities and dynamics in which couples may engage, put those characteristics into use. When a part of your relationship is exercised, it either demonstrates its strength or exposes its weaknesses. You can’t build a meaningful relationship on a weak foundation. Adding a power dynamic to a relationship that has weak base in trust, communication, and caring isn’t going to fix the relationship – it’s going to highlight the deficiencies. Bad power dynamics aren’t going to destroy a relationship, either – unless the cause of the issues originates due to failure in the underlying relationship requirements, or are interpreted as such.

Keep the layers in mind. I know most people live relationships as a consolidated whole…they have a single “Power Relationship”, but it’s often helpful to view it as a “Relationship” that has a “Power dynamic” layered on. Then you can put you focus on the right spot – and not conflate the characteristics of power dynamics with those of relationships. Then you have focus to strengthen those characteristics that will give the overall relationship longer life.

The Barbie Analogy From Submissives

February 7, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

big little cute woman with pigtails and teddy bear — via stock.adobe.com

This morning, I was participating in a discussion regarding the observations by some dominant women that submissives do not show attraction well. The reasons for why this was the case isn’t as important as that the dominants in the discussion were lamenting about how they enjoy being the target of attraction and how they feel limited to the submissive’s submissive acts as the means for recognizing that attraction. They felt pressure to accept acts of submission as the only indicator of desire. There were many comments that started with, “I’m not insecure, but…”. In general, when you start a sentence with “I’m not xxxx, but…” – it means you know you ARE xxxx, and you don’t want to be. I know some of these people well …These really aren’t insecure people, but they are PEOPLE – and people have insecurities.

One dominant said, “This is a real struggle for me. I understand that I am the Dom and it is down to me to make all the moves and be the lead. Which is obviously something I enjoy. But then the human in me wants to feel wanted. Needed. I need to feel attractive for some reason other than my whip.”

There’s a poison at work here; a recurring theme that drags us down. There is an insidious belief that dominance can only be defined by a consistent standard to which we all aspire: Dominants are “All powerful” … “Impenetrable” … “Demanding” … “Untouchable”.

I began to think of my Barbie doll.

We are fed this imagery of dominance from the very beginning. It is either something that we read, or something that our partners told us: “Dominants are like Gods”. They are “Worthy of worship”. “They have an impenetrable shield of confidence”. Bullshit. Newsflash: We’re not Gods; we’re mere mortals.

This imagery is designed by submissives to serve the submissive mind. They want to feel subjugated to a more powerful authority. They want to feel irresistibly compelled to submit. They want to be helpless – and to have that helplessness leveraged by an uncaring, unyielding, task master. The imagery is very clear – and it spells out a standard you must support to be “A Dominant”.

I repeat, it’s poison. The analogy to Barbie is strong: Barbie represents an image of female perfection that can never be achieved – and yet, was held as a standard to which all women should strive. The pressure to achieve the unachievable is established in the very core of the image. Worse, it’s an image that mothers passed to their daughters. It’s a destructive process.

For dominants, we’re facing a similar dilemma; male and female dominants alike; to appear and act like an archetype…to present the complement personality to what the submissive wants to see themselves as. The submissive is defining what dominance looks like – in order to provide a framework that supports the imagery of themselves that they prefer. The result is a lot of pressure on the dominant – the one supposedly being served. Worse, like mothers passing Barbie to their daughters, dominants often pass that requirement to new dominants just entering dynamics. They transmit that which they themselves were unable to attain; perhaps in an effort to avoid admitting their own inability to do so.

I won’t buy in to that imagery. I choose to define dominance by my own terms. I’m a dominant…which means, I’m a person who has allowed people who want to serve me, to serve me. I didn’t force them to serve me, I don’t expect them to fall to their knees because I’m some irresistible deity…I’m just a person; with needs, desires, and yes, insecurities.

This notion that a dominant must lead and make all the decisions: I don’t agree. Rather, the dominant is the partner whose preferences set the direction of a power dynamic – whatever those preferences are. We don’t have to make all the decisions – UNLESS it serves us to do so. We don’t have to lead, unless we want to. Our sub’s job is to serve us in whatever way we want to be served. Believing that it all falls on you is a tremendous amount of pressure to put on yourself – unless you enjoy being in that situation all the time. Most of us enjoy leading most of the time – but there are times when we just want to follow, or be held, or be vulnerable…and that doesn’t make us any less dominant.

What makes us dominant is that, when we feel like following – and having someone else “make the moves”, or be hugged, or understood…they do it dutifully, with our best interests in their minds, motivated by their desire to do things FOR us, as our submissives.

My advice: Don’t get hung up with that “dominant=perfection” stigma…it’s analogous to the pressure of the perfect figure, the perfect skin, the perfect hair…Remember: Barbie is a killer. Don’t let those pressures force you to be someone you’re not. Be yourself, teach your submissive who you are and what you prefer, and let your submissive serve the unique YOU that you are.