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The Ins and Outs Of Cuckholding

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If you lie awake at night dreaming of having sex with someone other than your husband, you might be Hotwife material. If you think about only having sex with men other than your husband, you may be a Hotwife.  

The first use of the word “cuckold” is reputed to be in 1250 in the Medieval debate poem “The Owl and  the Nightingale”. Many of Shakespeare’s characters suspected that they had become “cuckold”. The  word derives from the cuckoo bird which has a habit of laying its eggs in other birds’ nests.  

Today, cuckholding is a fetish. The cuckold is the humiliated husband of the “cuckholdress”, who in  today’s vernacular, we refer to as the Hotwife, the adulterous wife who explores her sexuality outside of  her marriage with complicit consent and even the active participation of her emasculated husband. This  is not a discussion about non-consensual cuckholding. That would be called “cheating”, and the Hotwife  lifestyle is an ethical non-monogamous lifestyle.  

For a long time, men who had sex with many different women were called “studs” and women who  enjoyed sex were called “sluts” in a pejorative way. What the Hotwife lifestyle allows a woman to do is  to is to fully and openly explore her sexuality with the approval and support of her husband. She is the  modern-day slut as defined by the book “The Ethical Slut” which puts female sexual self-expression into  an appropriately positive context.  

There are couples where the husband and wife explore her sexuality with the husband sharing his wife  with others, where he is not cuckhold. These are the so called “Stags and Vixens” of the swinger world.  This is not a discussion of Stags and Vixens. The true Hotwife cuckholds (denies) her husband with more  or less severe constraints on his sexuality while she enjoys true sexual freedom outside of her marriage.  

The sex partner the Hotwife takes is referred to as a “Bull”. The Bull might be one who is known to the  husband or one who is not. In one of my escapades as a Bull, the cuckold husband found me online, and  gifted his wife to me to use as I see fit. I would send him pictures of me using his wife and he would stay  home to masturbate over the idea that he was getting live real time photos of his submissive masochist  wife being dominated by a sadistic Bull.  

Humiliation is a big part of the Hotwife lifestyle. She may want her cuckold to help her get ready for a  date, buy her pretty lingerie or perfume or even that little black dress, and then she will go out while he  is trying to distract himself at home. She might send him pictures or text messages about what is  happening to titillate him, and when she comes home with a pussy filled with cum, he might get “afters”  and clean up duty or even “reclaim sex” which is so hot.  

To be cuckold, one must love his wife with all his heart and to come to terms with the fact that he does  not satisfy her sexually and be totally OK with her seeking that satisfaction from her Bull.  

So, what drives a man to choose to be cuckold? Often it comes out of a sexual fantasy – “I get hot  thinking of you with another man” from him or “I imagine being fucked by xxx. My old boyfriend, when  you fuck me” from her…that often leads to that “hot first date”. There is a lot of sexual tension in getting  your wife ready to go out on a first date with another man. Its very naughty and so very titillating. 

Imagine the tension as she comes home with her panties filled with cum and as she spreads her legs for  “reclaiming sex” when he gets to eat her cum filled pussy and hear about her hot sexual encounter with  her new lover.  

Very often that is the extent of it. They play that game, and it excites their sex life and their marriage.  

When the Bull gets involved, it can often lead to more. There are times when she is just more dominant  than her cuck is, and she chooses to control his orgasms and explore her own without the Bull’s input.  She may cage him and sissify him all on her own for her own pleasure and he may love or even  love/hate the experience, and this is part of the excitement.  

His denial is a huge turn on for him as well as her. He is sometimes simply denied by her, and sometimes  forced to deny by being required to wear a chastity cage. There is something extremely hot about being  denied for long time and then being allowed to release with her manual attention. I have known  Hotwives who only touch their cucks dick with two finders of her gloved hand and only allow him to cum  into a cocktail glass that he must swallow after he is encourage to cum with her two fingered milking.  

The Female Led Relationship (FLR) is a very hot topic these days. IN these dynamics, he is denied. He is  often caged and further humiliated by being required to wear lady’s underwear, suffer his wife’s sexual  prowess with other men, and finally by being pegged by her either when she comes home, or when she  otherwise pays attention to him. There are those Hotwives who additionally punish their cuckolds with  over the knee (OTK) spankings too.  

One of the more common scenarios is the small-dicked man who simply cannot physically satisfy his  wife sexually with his tiny penis and she chooses, often with his full support, the satisfaction of being  fucked by a man with a large dick. This is true of many Bulls, that they are fortunate to be blessed with a  giant cock by usual standards, and they are advantaged by this good fortune to be able to pleasure  many women. I have talked to Bulls who have fucked hundreds of women.  

Humiliation is one of the major fetish’s expressed in Hotwifeing. Often the cuck is made to watch the  Bull fuck his wife while he sits there, sometimes bound, sometimes caged, often both, watching his wife  achieve orgasms and sexual ecstasy that he cannot possibly create for her with his tiny inadequate cock.  Often, he is subjected to clean up duty. He may have to clean his wife’s pussy or ass, and then he may be  required to clean the Bull’s cock too. There are situations where the cuck is sissified. Made to wear sexy  lingerie and put on make up and perhaps a wig and possibly stockings, a garter and high heels so that he  is pleasing to his wife and or the Bull. He may get fucked by the Bull or pegged by his Hotwife and he  may find his cock permanently retired. He exists as a caged “gurl” to service the Hotwife and the Bull.  

It is not uncommon in this lifestyle to have the Hotwife develop a relationship with her Bull and start to  spend nights over there. Perhaps weekends. I have known Hotwives who have simply moved out  entirely, but still require the cuck to financially support her. This turns into a sort of financial domination.  

I have heard of situations where the Bull who has usually met the Hotwife privately and away from her  home, unexpectedly show up on a Sunday, and while the cuck is fretting over the stove in the kitchen,  the Hotwife is being fucked in the family bed. 

There is so much involved in this lifestyle, it’s a FLR, it’s often a discipline based dynamic, it is overtly  sexual, it involves ethical non-monogamy, it might involve polyamory, it involves gender fluidity, it  involves fluid bonding, it involves denial and male chastity. Mostly it is about the full self-expression of  her sexuality and her pursuit of her ideal sexual partners.  

It turns out that there are many more submissive male cuckhold wanna-be’s than there are Hotwives to  go around. Which makes it a buyers’ market. To take advantage of this mismatch in supply and demand,  enterprising dominant women are creating opportunities for submissive men to serve. One such  example is Femocracy Global which is committed to empowering and supporting Females’ rise to power  in every corner of the globe and they invite male submissives to serve.  

The point is that being a Hotwife is her choice. She has control of the relationship. She might be his key  holder. This is a very powerful dynamic in an FLR. She locks his cock in a cage and she holds the key. Now  he is required to take his mind off his arousal and put his attention fully on her wellbeing. She can  choose to implement a discipline regime; she can take one or more lovers. She can require him to  feminize to please her. She can require that he pay more attention to domestic affairs or more attention  to pleasing her and or her Bull. She can dominate him and switch to submit to her Bull. She can be  strictly vanilla at home and deeply kinky with her Bull who she may take as her Dom or Master, and she  may be able to express herself an a kinky Domme at home. The FLR opportunities are endless.  

As in any dynamic, especially one that involves more than one other person, the secret is to be in  communication. Make agreements. Stick to them. Talk. That is your access to your full self-expression as  a Hotwife. Enjoy the ride!  

You might listen to the following episodes of our podcast to heart how real people are dealing with this  aspect of sexuality (The Kinky Cocktail Hour can be found is on all podcast platforms, or you can search the archive here https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/).  

– The Female Led Relationship  

– The Hotwife Lifestyle  

– The Mind of a Cuckold  

– Stags, vixen, Bulls and Hotwives  

– Pegging and Strap on Play  

– Chastity Queen  

– Domestic Discipline and the 50’s Household  

– Cross Dressing  

– Chastity and Sissifiction  

– Cuck’s, Bulls, and Hotwives  

– The Mind of a Bull  

– Force Orgasms, Ruined Orgasms and Orgasms in Chastity  

– The Pitfalls of Cuckholding  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and  personal coaching options. 

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching  out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

New coaching content can be found on Patreon:  

https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/

An Interview with Ms. Rika-Part 2

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

I recently was asked a series of questions regarding my relationships, my approach, and my experiences.  After answering the 39 questions as honestly as I could, I thought that it might be a good idea to make a  couple of articles out of it for KinkWeekly. Previously, I posted the answer to questions 1-20…here’s the rest of the interview: 

21. Do you believe there are different formal levels of power dynamics? Which level are you  two? 

a. No. I don’t believe there are any such things. I believe people have fabricated them and  published them…but they are not accepted outside of a small group. Same for Gorean  roles and protocols. They exist for those who follow them. For everyone else, it’s just  words. Not knocking them, but there are folks who think there is only the one way to live  a lifestyle with “real” power dynamics…in my opinion, those folks are just filling themselves up with self-importance. 

22. Being Dom-centric, are you free to do whatever you want and he will support and embrace  that if it’s something you like and would please you? 

a. Pretty much, yes. If it were not, we’d talk about it…but part of the agreement here is that  my pleasure is his gospel. If he isn’t thinking that way, I’d want to know why. But  honestly, if it were something that I liked that he HATED, would I really enjoy it if he went  along with it? I would want to know he WOULD go along with it – and I would expect him  to do so…but I might not hold him to it…because he’s my husband and I love him  (oh…THAT again!) 

23. Do you ever have disagreements about the lifestyle? Either of you want or don’t want  something? How do those typically go? I know you said everything has to be consensual.  But is there something you want that he isn’t into? Or vice-a-versa?  

a. We disagree about things…I wouldn’t call them disagreements. We discuss them and my  word is final. That’s basically it. 

24. Do you have protocols in place? 

a. We have Routine Tasks. Different than protocols in the Gorean sense. In play we have  more than in regular life…but he does follow routines. 

25. Would you say you are more dependent on his submission or is he more dependent on  your dominance? 

a. We’re equally dependent on our power dynamic for our fulfillment. We both consider  ourselves highly lucky to have each other. We appreciate each other. 

26. How were you able to train your sub to be what you wanted? 

a. I don’t believe in “training” – I believe in “enabling”. I just finished writing an essay on this  difference for “KinkWeekly.com”. He’s not an animal that can be “trained” like a dog or  lion. He’s human: He thinks, he rationalizes, he introspects…he CHOOSES to serve. Therefore, my “training” is really more about EDUCATING him as to my preferences and expectations – and then providing feedback as to how he’s doing and  giving him ideas for how to improve. CERAF is all about that. 

27. Are there things he does not like to do? 

a. Sure. He doesn’t like to eat his orgasms…but he loves to be made to do it. He doesn’t  like to clean the house, but he does it every day. He doesn’t like to wake up early so that  my breakfast is ready when I am…but he does it lovingly. 

28. Does he grumble or complain? 

a. Not for long. I don’t have to do much more than ask him if he really wants to be  complaining…and it stops immediately.

29. If he has a bad day or isn’t feeling it, how do you deal with it? Do you still hold him to the  dynamic? Do you make it harder or easier on him? 

a. This is right out of my second book (Uniquely Us) with Karl and Rhonda. Yes, he has bad  days. Yes, there are times when he doesn’t ‘feel it. In these circumstances, whether or  not I hold him to it is my choice. That’s really the key. I may CHOOSE to relax my  expectations…or not. If I do, he understands completely that I’m not relaxing them  because they’re not important to me…he understands that I’m choosing to give him a  break even though I absolutely COULD hold him to it…and have no qualms about doing  so. I never want to leave him with the feeling that his service is not of primary importance  to me…however, so is his health (physical and mental)…it is completely up to ME to make  the judgement as to whether I feel he should be relieved. 

30. Does anyone in your personal life know about your dynamic? Or have they noticed or said  anything to either of you about his eagerness to help you and do things for you? I imagine  they see your marriage/relationship in contrast to their own or what most vanilla  relationships look like and wonder…? 

a. No family members formally know. The kids (now grown and out on their own) might  know, but never were exposed to anything that would confirm it for them. I have a couple  of friends who know (and who have their own dynamics)…but I have a lot of friends who  don’t know and who think I have the best husband in the world…and they’re right!

31. While he is doing chores or doing something to please you, what do you do? Are you  often around doing something else? Watch TV, read a book? 

a. Yup…I do relax. Sometimes I do things that I want to do (I’m big into something called  “Pure Barre”, which is an exercise class to which I belong). It’s a treat for him if I interrupt  him to do something menial for me while he’s doing his chores. He might be dusting the  living room while I’m watching something on Netflix and I may call him in (interrupt his  work) to hand me the glass of water that’s right in front of me, wait for me to take a sip,  then have him put it back down, have him thank me, and then head back to continue his  chores. He loves that kind of stuff…and so do I. 

32. I’ve read you’re not into chastity cages, but I thought I’ve read where you’ve used them as  fun or a gift to him…is that right? Do you see any benefit to the dom? I know self-control is  expected…but is there a time where you recommend it? Or is it completely sub-centric? 

a. I don’t dislike chastity cages. I think they’re fun toys. What I object to is the notion that  they CREATE or IMPROVE submission. In my opinion, they’re far too sub-centric to be  effective in encouraging actual submission. They can be excellent at creating  acquiescence…or obedience…but neither of those are submission to me. So, they’re fun  toys and tools for specific types of play. I see them the same way I see collars or handcuffs. 

33. What does sub struggle with the most? How does he communicate that to you?

a. We talk a lot. We’re very open – particularly since the kids have been out of the house.  He struggles with feelings of inadequacy when he can’t do something right. I have had a  number of conversations where he has expressed depressed feelings when I’ve pointed  out things he can do to improve his service. We get by those by readjusting his  understanding of my comments to be a proactive and productive process to help him  improve. That has worked well. 

b. One of the couples in Uniquely Us, John and Liz, had a problem once where his task list  had gotten too long for him to be able to handle. He had hundreds of items…and was  drowning. Liz wanted to back off, but that made him get depressed. We ended up  working together to help prune the list, reduce the frequency of adding to the list, and of  helping him organize and group his tasks to ease his burden. 

34. What keeps him motivated and encouraged? What keeps his battery charged and fully  engaged to serving you? I believe, when your why gets bigger your how gets better…what  is his “why” other than you. 

a. The why has never been me. I’m not the reason he submits. I’m not making him submit to  me. He makes him submit to me. He LOVES it. I LOVE it. He’s submitting for  himself…submission is just defined by me. It’s called SELF-discipline…and it’s key to  being an excellent submissive!

35. What is a day in the life of your sub look like? 

a. I’ve written this before…it’s long. Let’s just cover the first couple of hours: He wakes up  before me. In our bathroom, he’ll prep my things, clean my brush, put toothpaste on my  toothbrush. He will sit on the toilet seat to pee so that it’s warmer for me when I get there  (about 1/2 an hour later, usually). He then cleans the toilet from the night’s activity (we  don’t flush it at night, as it wakes me up). In the winter, he turns on the towel warmer.  Then he heads downstairs. He prepares coffee, breakfast, my lunch. He cleans the  floors, empties the dishwasher, straightens up. He may go out and do grocery shopping  or put gas in the family car. He sometimes prepares grilled chicken for lunches for the  week. He will go through my emails and delete the spam. When he hears me stirring  upstairs, he starts my breakfast (which we will have discussed before we go to sleep). He  froths the milk for my coffee and everything is waiting when I come downstairs. We eat  together. We talk. I do a lot of emails and stuff. He cleans up while I get ready to start my  day. That’s kind of a typical morning. 

36. Have you guys ever stopped the dynamic because of a disagreement or disgruntlement  and later start back? 

a. Nope. Never had a fight. Really. 

37. What does a fight look like between you? 

a. Never had a fight…REALLY. 33+ years of marriage and no fights. Honestly.

38. How do you two exit on and off the one way street to the two way street? On the one way  street, it’s all about you and what you say goes. On the two way street, you two are equal.  Is that hard to navigate back and forth? Does it take a awhile to transition back to the one  way street? Is there a protocol to getting back onto the one way street? Are there exits and  ramps to help the transition? 

a. The streets are an analogy, not an actual tool. You use the streets to help resolve  misunderstandings, position intent, and make sense of what already transpired. You don’t  use them to make stuff happen. 

39. Have you struggled through the dynamic? How? 

a. No more than the regular family. Fear, isolation, restricted freedoms…everyone is in this  together. Aside from worrying about my family, it’s been nice that the hubby and I were  both working from home (before I retired at the end of the year! Nice!). We’ve been  comfortable being together…if anything it’s made us even tighter. Now that we’re all  vaccinated and able to socialize together again as a family, it’s a wonderful relief. It’s not  over, but it definitely feels better! Mother’s day was spent with our grandson (our first)  and my mother in-law…so she saw her great-grandson for the first time. Not a bad Mother’s Day!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Discipline-Based Dynamics

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We live in a discipline based dynamic (DD). In our relationship, I am the Dom, and my partner is my  submissive masochist and 3-hole slut. She is collared. She belongs to me. I own her.  

In all discipline-based dynamics there is a Dominant partner and a submissive partner. Here is an  example of how that played out in our dynamic. Almost 6 months into our discipline based dynamic that  started when I claimed her, it occurred to me that on the days following our High Protocol marking  scenes (where she gets marked with a cane), which we hold during the weekend, she was in a much  better mood than her baseline, she was unmistakably more loving, happier and more attentive. As the  week wore on, she tended to get “out of sorts”. After seeing this play out for a few weeks in a row, I got  to thinking about it, and I concluded that she should get a daily maintenance spanking to see if that  altered her experience any. Well, I can report that it has dramatically altered both her experience and  our relationship. The first time I gave her a daily spanking, we had great sex immediately following and  now that ritual is part of our daily extremely hot sexual encounter that itself has opened a lot of doors  for us in our pursuit of sexual nirvana. When I first told her that she was to get a daily maintenance  spanking, because we live in a DD household, even though she bit her lip with both a bit of concern and  a little trepidation, she immediately accepted my decision and made sure she was ready to get spanked  every day. Even though she was worried about it at first, she trusted me to look out for her, and she  gave her unconditional consent. All DD are based on consent. We live in what is called a 24/7 TPE or  Total Power Exchange.  

Now, regarding the daily maintenance spanking, just to be clear, she had done nothing wrong, she was  simply being human, and so the spanking was not a punishment for a bad behavior, it was not a cause  and effect spanking, It was not corporal punishment at all. The discipline in this instance is that she gets  a daily spanking, which means that when she gets home from work, she goes to the bathroom and gets  herself ready to be spanked and used. This is our protocol. In a DD dynamic, protocols are at play.  Because she is an obedient submissive, we do not have a power struggle about this. I have told her what  she needs to do to properly prepare herself to serve me and she does that joyfully, even to the point of  putting out the flogger, lube and a towel before she kneels in her Nadu pose to wait for my attention.  

The impact of incorporating this practice into our daily life is nothing short of amazing. It has  dramatically improved our connectedness, our relatedness and the sense of closeness we have between  us. We love each other more intensely today that we did when I introduced the practice more than 2 years ago.  

This experience of being “much closer than ever” is a very common experience for a D/s couple who  practice a domestic discipline lifestyle. Now adult DD relationships are varied. There are female led  relationships (FLR) with a dominant woman and a submissive man. This is a very popular topic. The most  downloaded episode of our podcast is the FLR pod (Season1 Episode 147). Some of these relationships  are strictly discipline oriented where corporal punishment is a part of any punishment or transgression  resolution, and some are asexual dynamics as well. In our dynamic the DD is intertwined without  sexuality, but this is not always the case. A man who endures the over the knee (OTK) hairbrush  spanking and then has to stand in the corner with his red ass exposed may have a “completely normal  vanilla” sexual relationship with his partner where he is dominant in bed. It does not really need to be  stated, but there are both gay and lesbian DD relationships as well as non-binary dynamics. 

One of the more interesting DD dynamics is the Big/Little dynamic where an adult care giver is  responsible for an adult little (or child persona) who needs to be disciplined in many ways from having  their diaper checked or changed, to what and how much they eat etc. In truth, there are numerous  forms of DD relationships which we refer to as “Power Exchange Relationships”, such as:  

 Master/sub/slave (M/s)  

 Mistress/sub/slave (M/s)  

 Mommy Dom/little boy/girl (MD/lg or MD/lb)  

 Daddy Dom/little boy/girl (DD/lb or DD/lg)  

 Domestic Discipline (DD)  

 Head of Household (HOH)  

 Taken in Hand (TIH)  

 Total Power Exchange (TPE  

 Absolute Power Exchange (APE)  

By definition, a power exchange relationship (PER) is a relational dynamic in which one individual serves  another in a consensual authority exchange structured relationship wherein a partners choose to either  give up or get control of authority. Pet play is another power exchange dynamic as well.  

There are many issues to deal with in a power exchange relationship. For example, imagine a DD couple  where the primary discipline is an Over the Knee (OTK) spanking, and the couple has children? What are  some of the concerns? From where I sit, there is never cause to spank a child, so that is not what I am  promoting, I am asking strictly from the perspective that the HOH has determined that the sub is to get  an OTK spanking, and the household has young or even teenage children. How should that be managed?  If you read the message boards, the consensus is that the couple works to separate completely the DD  activities from the parenting of their children. It is an adult behavior and not appropriate for the children  to witness. To a person, the sub, males and females, will note that the spankings they get make them  closer to their dominant. So, it is both needed and necessary, which requires that they find way to take  their behavior out of the purview of their children. From the point of view of the children, all they see is  a loving relationship between their parents.  

Why people choose PER’s is as complex as it is varied. In our case, we are both wired to be in a PER. We  were both in unfulfilling marriages before we connected, and we both drifted to a TPE. I had advertised  that that is what I was seeking, and she was drawn to my stated relationship intention. Now I want to  make an especially important point. There is a massive difference between being dominant and being  domineering. Being the HOH does not entitle me to be domineering. In fact, my partner was in a  marriage with a domineering man whom she grew to despise. I cannot explain what makes me  dominant or why she sensed my dominance even as we met for the first time. I do know that being  dominant is my natural way of being and that having her as my submissive has allowed me my full self expression as a sexual being. The secret is to a successful DD is to keep the integrity of the dynamic  intact. What do I mean by that? I mean that the relationship only works where consent is present, and it  only works where agreements are kept. If, for example, I said, “if you do that again, I am going to spank  you” and she does it again and I do not follow through and spank her, then she will begin to wonder if I  am paying enough attention to her. This leads to space and space kills relationships. Instead, I enroll her  into the dynamic ongoingly and register her willing participation by keeping it fun, and then we both take on making sure that we fulfill on our commitment to each other. PER’s require that both the Dom  and the sub are 100% responsible for maintaining the relationship, All PER are consent based as I have noted, and the amount of power a submissive chooses to give up is  subject to negotiation. Our dynamic is a Total Power Exchange. I say what goes, and yet, I insist that my  sub has agency, and is fully self-expressed. We maintain a remarkably high degree of communication so  that she can speak her mind without concern. For example, she might tell me that she is going for a run,  she does not ask me if she can go for a run, and that occurs inside of the integrity of our broader  dynamic where her fitness and health are a stated priority of ours. If there were an insurmountable  issue, we have an agreement in place that we can set aside the DD for the purposes of talking as equals  and resolving the issue. In other dynamics, HOH for example, there is an invitation for more discussion  preceding decisions that the HOH then makes. In a Big/little dynamic, there is more enrollment that  occurs, and discipline might involve punishing brattyness (disobedience designed to elicit a spanking or  punishment) and that sort of play. So, as I like to say, there is no right way to be. The individuals need to  negotiate a PER dynamic that works for each of them.  

There is a really great tool we use to manage communication in our dynamic called WeMinder. As a tool  designed for discipline based dynamics, it allows a Dom to assign tasks and reward or punish based on  the agreements that have been negotiated. You can listen to the conversation we had with the founder here. (https://www.buzzsprout.com/962578/8559456)  

WeMinder is inexpensive and perfect for partners in DD dynamics, including those who do not live in the same geography.  

There are dynamics where corporal punishment is used to change behavior. We talked to a  Disciplinarian who makes himself available using hard core corporal punishment on request of  submissive women who even fly to see him from thousands of miles away to get brutal 12 or 24 or 50  stroke cold caning sessions. I once worked with a woman who wanted to lose weight and quit smoking,  and she requested corporal punishment to motivate her to change her behavior. In both of these  examples, the PER is asexual. The point is that PER’s occur in all sorts of ways where one partner  chooses to give up power and one chooses to take power. The definition is even true in consent/non  consent dynamics, which is more of a roll play dynamic. I am simply observing that DD’s occur in the  realm of relationship, the realm of sexuality, and the realm where those are combined.  

Regardless of the style of DD you choose, the best way to proceed is to be in communication, to  negotiate, to make agreements and to stick to them. We choose to operate in a space where there is  “nothing wrong”, and as we were developing our dynamic, there were times when we were required set  the dynamic aside to speak as equals so as to confirm or clarify or renegotiate an agreement or  negotiate a new one. That process occurred more at first while we worked out the limits in our dynamic.  

There is tons of information out there in blogs, and on sites like fetlife where there are dozens of groups  devoted to DD or PER with thousands of members who engage in conversations and who post their ideas and opinions.  

My view is that a PER is a serious commitment. We both believe that we each need to be 100%  responsible for maintaining the PER in the healthiest way possible. In the 3 years since we first met, we  have seen our relationship and our dynamic grow closer and closer and we are more aligned now than ever before, and she has received a daily maintenance spanking every day for more than half of that  time. The spanking she receives are not trivial, but are on the order of 500 lashes with a heavy bull hide  flogger that turns her ass bright red. We used the spankings to explore her masochism, and she is now  climaxing during her spanking that now occurs as part our ridiculously hot kinky sex. We found the key  to unlock our dynamic when I made an observation about her behavior, thought about how to address it  in the context of our PER, and came up with the daily maintenance spanking as an idea. Because we are  in a rabbit hole, and because we have no idea about the twists and turns, and because new actions  produce unpredictable outcomes, we are now closer, more aligned, more connected, more related and  more in love, happiness and joy than ever before, and our PER is humming along perfectly.  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching  options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast  platforms

An Interview with Rika (Part 1)

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

I recently was asked a series of questions regarding my relationships, my approach, and my experiences.  After answering the 39 questions as honestly as I could, I thought that it might be a good idea to make a  couple of articles out of it for KinkWeekly. So here’s part 1, with part 2 to come! 

1. How did your power dynamic with your primary sub (your husband) start? Who initiated  it? 

a. When we first met, we played a lot of stereotypical power games. B&D and some D&S. Basically, I did things to him and made him do things to me. I was already playing these kinds of games with other boyfriends and he had already done so with his girlfriends. It wasn’t until we were thinking about marriage – and the notion of this arrangement carrying on for the rest of our lives in a 24/7 context, that I changed the approach to be dominant-centric. I could not see living the sub-centric approach 24/7. I was (and still am) willing to play from time-to-time – and really enjoy blowing his fantasy circuits out of the water – but for a 24/7 dynamic (what both of us wanted), it had to be more “real”. 

2. What did you or your sub think when the idea was first suggested? How did you introduce each other to the dynamic? 

a. The playtime was natural…we were both playing games with prior partners. It was  discussed early and we started playing almost right away. It was I who introduced the  notion of the change to dominant-centricity. He had brought up full-time, 24/7 lifestyle  dynamics – and I introduced him to the concept that I was OK with that – but on a different  set of terms. He was completely free to not accept it – and we still would have played  games from time to time – but we both were interested in a full-time dynamic…so it had to  work for both of us…but it had to start with what worked for me. 

3. Did it start as a full 24/7 D/s relationship, or did it evolve into that? 

a. Once we decided we were going to get married, and decided to follow a dominant-centric  approach, it was right away. 

4. What did it feel like in the beginning? Did it feel fake? How did you make it real?

a. I believe this question is really the difference between sub-centric 24/7 and dominant centric 24/7. Playing games 24/7 is unrealistic. Trying to be someone you’re not 24/7 is awful, unfulfilling, and unsustainable. To make it last, it had to be real. It had to be real submission. It had to be about serving me for who I am. I was more than willing to allow him to submit to me, but he would have to submit to ME…who I am…without me having to pretend I’m some persona.  

5. How often do you give your sub a gift? 

a. He enjoys treats pretty often….and I enjoy giving them to him. I love to see him happy  and fulfilled. He’s my husband and I love him. I am free to do so BECAUSE we both  have an understanding that those treats are NOT submission. That frees me. One thing  that I really enjoy – and is sort of a treat – is T&D. Because of that, he gets teased A LOT.  He seldom goes a day without thinking he might get off…and he only gets off when I want  him to – could be twice a day for a week or once every two weeks…he never knows. So,  if that means that he gets a treat every day (the tease with or without the denial), then I’d  say he gets it every day. For him, my feet are a real treat. So, I sometimes make him  bow and kiss my feet – or lick the soles of my footwear clean (Saturday, I did some  gardening in a pair of Wellies and had him lick the dirt off of them after they dried…he  loved it. Honestly, it does nothing for me other than enjoying his enjoyment). That  happens every few days, I guess. No schedules…I don’t like to be obligated or on a  timeframe…ever.

6. Are there things he likes or wants that you do not? 

a. Anal play is not really something I enjoy. Penetrating him, by the way. I have no problem with him worshiping my butt ��! I also won’t do needles…which is something he had wanted to try. I’m not really interested in drawing blood. 

7. Has he given you a list of gifts that he likes or would like…or how do you know what he likes if he doesn’t? 

a. The Task List exercise exposed a bunch of things that he enjoys. The things that fall into the “things that don’t turn me off, but are not something I consider to be submission to me” are all good material for treats.  

b. We talk. We talk openly about this stuff…we have the framing of my methodology, which serves as a perfect context for our discussions. We both know the vernacular and we both can speak freely in a way that fits our dynamic. 

8. Would that be inappropriate for him to make a list of gifts? 

a. Only if I didn’t ask for it. 

9. If there are gift that you know would really be special to him, but you’re not into it, do you ever bend and give him that gift? 

a. Sure…as long as it’s not something that really squicks me, or crosses some line of appropriateness (which is unlikely from him) 

10. How do you keep the wheels of the lifestyle aligned? 

a. Not sure what you mean by this…we live the lifestyle…it’s always in play. It’s as aligned  as our lives. 

11. How does your sub keep your happiness and interests his top priority?  

a. It’s something he wants to do. He’s not perfect though…he sometimes hits a funk, or gets  a little selfish, or even acts up. On those occasions, the trick for me is to notice it and act  right away – the action is a discussion: I remind him that submitting to me is something  HE wants. I confirm that he still wants to. Then we focus on what he’s doing, how I’m  feeling, and determine if there’s a causation between the two. He then makes the  adjustment. This used to happen a lot in the beginning of the dynamic…but nowadays,  hardly ever. I also take this opportunity to check myself: Am I neglecting our dynamic?  Am I failing to recognize his efforts in an appropriate manner? If so, I make that correction. 

12. Does your sub have a schedule of chores or tasks that he does every day?

a. Yes…as a result of the Routine Task List, he has over 100 tasks. There are about 40 of  those that are done daily. They’re not all big things…so 40 isn’t really an extraordinary number.  

13. Do you inspect all of his work? 

a. No – that would be more work for me. But I’m careful to let him know that I recognize that  he’s doing it…that I care that he does it well…and that I care that he does it to serve me. I  never want him to feel alone in the dynamic. He’s doing a lot of things…every day…every  minute of every day. He’s busy serving me. It would be easy to take that for granted…but  it would be poison to do so. He needs to know I know he’s working hard for me. I want  him to know that I appreciate his submission. I thank him for his submission regularly…not for the things he does, but for why he’s doing them. 

14. How has your power dynamic evolved over the years? Does it look different today than it  did at the beginning? 

a. Definitely has changed. I’ve grown; he’s grown; the dynamic has grown. We discovered  things that no longer work for us, we’ve removed them. We’ve learned new things about  what does work for us, we’ve added those. Our discussions with others regarding the  methodology – the process of writing the books – working with other couples – all of these  things have the effect of growing the methodology and our dynamic. It has become more  grounded in reality – and continues to become more and more woven into our lives.

15. Has your philosophy changed over the years? 

a. Not since I developed the methodology. The methodology has stayed remarkably  consistent through the years. The communication of the methodology has changed, quite a bit, based on how well others grasp it – but the basic concepts of dominant-centricity,  treats / gifts, CERAF, have not. 

16. What made you write your first book, Uniquely Rika? 

a. Uniquely Rika was an attempt to describe the methodology that I had developed within  my own relationships. I found myself on IRC and Compuserve, talking to many people  about it – and started to compile my answers to questions. My message started to take  shape and gain structure…so I decided to write it all down. Then I decided to publish it! 

17. You said you’ve always been dominant in previous relationships. Has your sub husband  always been submissive in previous relationships? 

a. Yes. He has always played the submissive role in the games he played with prior  partners and with me before the methodology. 

18. You mentioned in your books, you don’t believe in punishment. Have you ever punished  your sub? Not “funishment”…but actual punishment?  

a. Yes. And I didn’t like it. I’m not my sub’s mother. In my early days, I’d give subs stair time, whippings, kneeling on rice, etc…I never saw real change. I saw fear…but no real  behavioral change. 

19. How do you keep the dynamic real and fresh so there are no ruts? 

a. Who said there are no ruts? This is reality. There are ruts. You work though them. You  talk. You sit down together and say, “you know, we haven’t been ourselves lately…what’s  going on?” And then you work through it. 

20. I’ve read in other books there is a difference between and sub and slave. Do you agree? Is  your sub more slave or sub? 

a. It’s all labels. Labels are meaningless. Some people see Master Slave as being a (mock)  ownership and others see it as top/bottom. It doesn’t mean anything to me. I generally  call my husband my “slave” and my other subs my “subs”…mostly because my husband  can’t just walk away. He’s going to have to deal with me whether we have a power  dynamic or not! �� 

To be continued… 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Pavlovian (Lack Of Responsiveness): Subs Are Not Animals

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

In my discussions with folks in the scene as well as folks who want to get into the scene, I’ve come  across the notion that subs can be trained “like animals”; that they can be conditioned, usually through  some sort of Pavlovian trigger, to respond to cause and effect and behave – perhaps without conscious  acknowledgement – in accordance with the dominant’s desires. There are many folks, usually dog or  horse trainers, who swear by the notion that subs will subconsciously respond to verbal and visual  triggers through the use of repetition and positive / negative reinforcement – and that by using such  techniques, one can create the perfect submissive. 

I’m not a believer. At least, I’m not of the belief that it works the same way as it does with animals. I  believe that there is far more complexity in the form of consent, negotiation, and agreement when it  comes to humans. I don’t feel you “train” a sub; you “enable” them. 

I acknowledge that there are many who will swear that training techniques do work the same way as it  does with animals and have the “experience” to prove it. I challenge their experience: It is my belief that  many submissives WANT to be trained and LOVE the idea of being ‘out of control’ – acting automatically ‘without will’ – and therefore, the techniques of animal training – interpreted as a kinky game and a  means to those ends – motivates the sub to go along with the training. The end result LOOKS like  Pavlovian training, but is actually only effective as long as the sub is willing to play along. When push  comes to shove, the submissive is voluntarily complying…because it suits them. Unlike Pavlovian  conditioning, the result is not subconscious at all…in fact, it’s quite the opposite. 

The difference between humans and animals, is that humans rationalize. A human doesn’t just respond  to stimulus, they analyze why that stimulus occurred and choose how to respond to it. If someone is  creating a “Cause and effect” scenario for them, they seek to understand the motivation of that person; they intellectually recognize how the manipulation is intended to work. Humans may agree and react to  that manipulation, but, unlike an animal, they are consciously aware of the motivation and intent of the  actions and make a conscious decision to comply. That’s how humans work…and subs are humans (most  of them!).  

If you give a dog a treat every time it sits up and gives you its paw, it will eventually associate those  things. Animals learn cause and effect. A dog will do the trick without knowing why you want them to do  so. It does it without knowing they’re being trained. They just know that if they do this, they get that…so  they do this if they want that. 

A sub will also associate the treat with the trick; however, it is far deeper than that. The sub knows that  the dominant is advancing this compensation. The sub understands that the dominant wants him to sit  up and offer a paw … and that in order to get him to do that, the dominant is offering something that  the sub wants in return (or something the sub wants to avoid – in the case of negative enforcement). 

For some submissives, just having the dominant interested in training them in this way is enough to get  them to comply. The compensation doesn’t even matter. It’s enough that the dominant enjoys the  “game of training” and they are excited by the prospect that they will respond in a Pavlovian manner – so they choose to comply. 

For others the sub is deciding – assessing the quality of the compensation and determining if it is ‘good  enough’ to ‘earn’ their compliance. They feel in control of determining what it will take to “train them”.  They may even choose to try to escalate the compensation over time, by slowing down the reaction  time between cause and effect, in an attempt to prompt the dominant to increase the cause to obtain  the same effect. You don’t see animals playing that game (if you can get a paw for a cookie, you don’t  see the dog suddenly start to refuse to give you their paw unless you give them TWO cookies). 

To me, training a sub is more about enabling them than manipulating them. I’m not trying to build up  subconscious reactions to stimuli – there is an “automaton / Stepford” fantasy that’s just not my thing – My approach to “training” is to make sure my objectives and expectations are clear to the submissive and assure that they have the skills and materials to get the job done to the best of their ability. I’m not  threatening them with what will happen if they don’t comply, nor am I rewarding them when they do. I’m simply assessing their performance and providing the feedback necessary (positive and negative) to  demonstrate that I recognize their efforts and am interested in helping them to improve themselves. I’m  completely open with my assessment – their sense of fulfillment when they’ve done a great job and I’m  thrilled with their work, is its own reward…and conversely, if they are not hitting the mark, their own  motivation to improve. 

Ultimately, a sub who is motivated to be the best they can be, will seek out the assessment and demonstrate the self-discipline to improve. They will internalize your goals and objectives as their own. I  don’t need to manipulate them. As a dominant, my job is to be extremely clear in communication of my  preferences and expectations; to openly expect them to strive to meet those objectives; to recognize  their efforts, assess them, and provide the feedback necessary to let them know how well they are  meeting their goal; and to give them adjustments to help them improve when they’re not. The long termed goal, for both of us, is for them to learn to become the best submissive – for me – that they can  possibly be. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Hourglasses, Toilet Brushes, and Other Kooky Ideas – Pervertables

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Gags, blindfolds, earmuffs, hoods, inversion tables, and even vacuum beds; we have devised a tons of ways to mess with the mind in play. Using fear and trust to create a delicious combination of confusion and adrenalin; anticipation and dread. I will use anything I can lay my hands on, manipulate, or change to keep a bottom guessing. Chief among them are pervertables.

A pervertable is anything designed for a non-kinky purpose, which you can use for kinky means. The possibilities are endless, and exciting!

A while back Nibbles and I were walking through a discount store called Gabe’s and saw these uncaged hour glasses. All different colors of sand and in several differing sizes. Now I am always on the hunt for pervertables, everywhere. It is like a fetish all its own. So when I saw those hour glasses my first thought was how I could use one in a scene, not about what a cool conversation piece it could be. Thinking about it for a moment, the seeds of a scene started budding in my head.

A horse sweat scraper at Tractor Supply; a knotted rope toy at PetCo, Rural King had a great lunge whip; Shoknife through a tactical training supply company; and the list goes on. Even ornamental Grass at the Dollar Store is not safe from being violated by the thoughts in my head. Whatever I can pull out and make a bottom go, “damn….what the fuck are you going to do with that?!?!?” is something I am going to be interested in.

Messing with Nibbles – A Pervertable in Action

Nibbles has always challenged me to come up with something new and different. She can get bored quickly. Enter the hourglass.

Setting the mood that night by pulling out some of her favorites; a blindfold, ball gag, floggers, crop, and steel hand irons I could see her anticipation building as each piece was laid out. Normally, I have her lay out toys out and ready the space. This night though, doing it myself was part of the setup. Each taken from the closet or the trunk. Laid carefully in front of her, just so I could pull out the hourglass last. Carefully removing it from the drawer it was secreted in I set it on the dresser without a word.

The look on her face was what I thought it would be, confusion. “Sir??? What’s that for?”

To say I felt a bit of glee at the question would be an understatement. I almost giggled like a schoolgirl. Luckily, her eyes were on the hourglass instead, allowing me a moment to regain my composure. I smiled at her and began explaining the goal for the night. Outlast the hourglass. Simple right? All she had to do was stick with 90 minutes of medium impact mixed with tickling, teasing, orgasm denial, scratching, biting, and whatever else I could dream up. Such a trusting soul.

With her on her hands and knees on the bed and laying over a wedge, I started the hourglass, put her blindfold on……… then tipped the hourglass on to its side. Time for her stopped without her knowing it. Warmup, a bit of play, just enough to get her revved up. 20 minutes later I set the hourglass back up quietly, and “accidently” moved her blindfold when I lifted her chin to kiss her. Nibble’s eyes locked immediately on the glass. The effect was exactly what I had hoped for. Utter disbelief.

Wash, rinse, repeat. She pushed the boundaries of her endurance that night. She was determined not to fail. The result was one of the most amazing scenes we had in quite a while. Both of us were completely wrung out nearly five hours later. To her, it had only been 90 minutes.

Oddities Can Be as Devious as a Single-Tail: I do not do much of the shopping for our home. Nibbles takes care of that for the most part. Once in a while, I venture out to give her a break, which she dreads since I tend to return with something in addition to groceries and household needs. On one such occasion, walking down the cleaning aisle in Wal-Mart a rack of toilet brushes caught my eye and I grabbed one of the horseshoe shaped ones.

Briefly testing it out on my forearm by scraping the stiff bristles against my skin and then snapping it sharply against the inside of my arm a good 20 times to see what it could do. Winner winner chicken dinner! Very small, very red spots began to show in short order. And it stung like fuck! Looked like it would be great for abrasion play and maybe some impact.

She laughed at it when I brought it home. Not so much the next day. Now it is one of her go to stories she tells her friends about pervertables I have purchased.

You Are Only Limited by Your Imagination

A pervertable can be anything you use to manipulate the scene, not just an implement you use on your bottom. The hourglass being one example. Stripped down springs from an old mattress to create an electrobed; wood pallets to create a bondage wall; strobe lights to create visual sensory hyperstimulation; and even a fog machine to create a sense of envelopment…… really the only limits on what you could possibly use, are the ones you put on yourself.

Breaking the bank on very cool high-end toys and gadgets is not something you have to do when setting up your kit. I have found items in everywhere from Dollar Tree (everything is a dollar) to boutique craft stores. Sure, I have plenty of well-made floggers, paddles, slappers, canes, tawses, whips, restraints, Wartenberg Wheels, and other gizmos. But none of them quite get the first-time reaction a well thought out pervertible gets. Half the fun, at least for me, is keeping a bottom guessing about what could be coming next.

If you would rather stick to the standards, by all means do so. But if you are looking to get more adventurous in your toy selections, start thinking outside the box. Take your partner out with you on a pervertible gathering adventure and see what you can find!

Some Things to Keep in Mind When Looking for and Buying Pervertables

As in anything kink, safety is always a concern. We do not want our toys disintegrating in the middle of play and inadvertently causing injury. Causing marks or issues we are not prepared or planned for. Or causing a trust issue to develop, because we as tops did not take the time to really think things through. Considers some of the following when looking at potential pervertables:

–          Avoid anything that can break or shatter easily, even if you are just going to use it for sensation play. If you lay it down for a minute on the bed (or wherever) and then put your knee on it or someone rolls on it, you could be in for a rude awakening, and possibly a visit to the ER.

–          If you can afford to, buy one to beat the hell out of first. Punish it to make sure it will not fall apart on you when you least expect it. You can always buy another one if you think it will work out. Not to mention, having your new toy break during play can be a real bummer.

–          Test the item our on yourself first. Not everything is going to feel or work how you think it will. You may need to change how you think you will be using it, or not use it at all.

–          Be quick to recognize something may be a bad idea. We all have good idea fairies riding on our shoulders. Sometimes they are full of bad advice. Your bottom’s safety and the dynamic are more important than your pride and the $20.00 you spent.

–          Even though you tested the item on yourself, go slow the first few times you use it. Test the waters to make sure it is working how you thought. Be quick to adjust if it does not.

–          Remember, you are going to have to clean it after play (and initially sanitize it). Avoid items which are difficult to clean well.

Be Willing to Laugh –  A Lot

Like everything else, this road of pervertables will be littered with failures. Great! That is how we learn. Expect the unexpected and realize, just because something does not work out how you thought it might, it is not a reflection on either of you. Laugh it off. No really….laugh it off. Nothing repairs a blown moment like refusing to take yourself too seriously.

Using normal implements can be difficult enough to master. Devising and using something completely out of the box is just asking for the need of a good giggle.

Have Fun :)

Playing with pervertables can be a great time for all, help us be more creative, keep the surprise in play, and can even be a great scavenger hunt when you are out and about. From searching the local flea market to turning an item in to a finished product and using it, I have a great time through the whole process. Even teasing Nibbles when we are out at the market by pulling something weird of the shelf, showing it to her with a wry smile and getting a, “hell NO!” in response is fun in and of itself.

Be creative and open to possibilities, what you might find at Lowes or even a garage sale can be surprising. You never know where you might find the next favored gem for you toy chest.

TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to several online educational groups such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; and the Virtual Munch. His writing includes information on self-improvement, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics and power exchange, and safety. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for nearly three decades. He can be found on Fetlife at TAC_1.

Does Submission Need to Include Sacrifice?

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

I was, as I often do, reading some posts in Fetlife this morning. As I read through the posts, I noticed the  recurring notion that submissives “sacrifice” things: Their freedom, their desires, their dignity. The  common belief is that submissives “give up” parts of themselves in order to serve the dominant. That, in order to serve the dominant, they need to deprive themselves (or be deprived) of something they want.  To further the stereotypes: They are often either manipulated into this sacrifice, or want to sacrifice to a  dominant who will gladly make them do so.  

I got around to thinking about my submissives. I’ve never thought about them sacrificing for me…this is  what THEY want to do. I came to the realization that while they give a lot, they don’t actually GIVE UP anything. 

I sat down and discussed this with my husband (who is my slave). His answer was telling: 

“If I think about the way dominance and submission are depicted in videos, then it’s pretty clear  that the submissives are ‘put upon’ to do what the dominant wants. They are usually ‘forced’ to  do so, actually. They are often acting against their will and acting like they ‘have’ to do things  that they don’t, or wouldn’t, want to do. If that’s the case, then yes, they’re sacrificing…they’re  sacrificing their own wills and their own desires in favor of the dominant’s. But I don’t feel that way about my submission to you. I’m not sacrificing any of myself…I’m not  forced to serve you. I CHOOSE to serve you. I WANT to serve you. In serving you, in doing what you want and placing those desires in front of my own, I am getting exactly what I want. In fact,  if I were not able to serve you, I’d be sacrificing – because I would have to give up my ultimate enjoyment.” 

His answer got me thinking: Why does submission need to be a negative thing? Why do we think the  submissive is “oppressed”? My husband is certainly not oppressed.  

So this brings up the obvious paradox: If a man wishes to ‘sacrifice’…and is given the opportunity to do  so…is he really sacrificing? Isn’t this really what’s at the root of submission? There is a reason that  submissives submit: It’s not because they HAVE to…that’s capitulation and acquiescence…it’s because  they CHOOSE to. Submission is a conscious dedication to the dominant. Submissives WANT to submit.  

This paradox is as old as time, but how it conflicts with reality seems to underlie a lot of fantasy  activities. The fantasy is to sacrifice…but to be allowed to sacrifice is not a sacrifice. Submissives want to  feel they have sacrificed…many want to be forced to sacrifice – and yet, the very nature of free will and  consent take that away. The reality is, SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual), keeps the fantasy a fantasy! If  you crossed the line and actually forced a submissive to sacrifice, it would be considered abuse.

So submissives who want that fantasy need to artificially manufacture the illusion of sacrifice. They  crave manipulation, they want to be forced to capitulate. Many want to be put in chastity devices to  sacrifice sexual freedom, or want to live in bondage and desolate servitude…or sign contracts (even if  they have no legal meaning). They invent terms like TPE (Total Power Exchange) and CNC (Consensual  Non-Consent) to obfuscate consensual sacrifice and make it look as though there is no free will – when,  in fact, you can’t actually give up free will (because there will always be legal recourse to get it back). 

But submission is given a bum-wrap for this imagery. The fantasy is what people see – and what the  general public associates with power dynamics. The fantasy of sacrifice and oppression is what applies  pressure on spouses and partners who want to be served, but don’t want to oppress. It’s what some  submissives point to when defining what dominance “has to be.”  

It’s what I’ve been combatting with my methodology for more than a dozen years. 

In reality, submission is not sacrifice. Submission, for my husband and many others, is fulfillment.  Submission is their freedom. They are not ‘giving up’ anything at all…they are ‘obtaining’ fulfillment of  their desires. You can play games and enact fantasies, but ultimately, the actual submission is voluntary  – the devotion of submission is fulfilling and enlivening.  

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

On Discipline

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

As we all know, one of the composite phrases in the acronym, BDSM, is B&D: Bondage and Discipline. In  this context, discipline is defined as actions that are applied to the submissive, while the submissive is  bound and incapable to resist. Discipline could be impact play, humiliation, chores, etc. Urban Dictionary has a reasonable definition for B&D: “used in reference to practices involving physical restraint and punishment” 

Of course, “Discipline” has other meanings, both within, and outside of the context of B&D. The Oxford  definition has several, two of which are particularly pertinent to this discussion. The first is also often  thought of in a BDSM context: “The practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior,  using punishment to correct disobedience.” The second interpretation offered by Oxford hits home for  me in a big way: “Training oneself to do something in a controlled and habitual way”. 

In a sense, the subtle differences between these two definitions harken back to my discussion on the  different viewpoints people have on submission: That submission is either the passive or active role.  There are those who feel that submission is about having things done TO you by a dominant, whereas others (like myself) prefer to think of submission as being dedicated to doing things FOR a dominant that  the dominant feels is FOR them. In the first, submission is passive: Things are done to you. In the second,  submission is active: You are doing things for the dominant. 

In this same way, the first definition of discipline is about doing TO the submissive. The submissive is the  recipient of training; the recipient of punishment and adjustment. The goal of this discipline is  obedience, as defined by the dominant. The dominant is the one doing the discipline…the sub is  accepting it. This is what many people think of as submission. The goal of the submissive is to ACCEPT  the discipline and adjust their behavior. 

The second definition is focused on the submissives themselves. The submissive is structuring their own  behavior to act in a specific way. They are providing and generating the energy required to enforce their  own desired traits. They are motivated by an “ideal behavior”.  

For those who have talked to me, read my books, or read my articles here in KinkWeekly, you already  know that my preference is for subs to be self-disciplined. Self-discipline, in a power dynamic as a  submissive, implies that the ideal behavior to which you are aspiring, is known to serve the dominant  the way the dominant prefers to be served. The dominant sets and communications the ideal, the submissive works to achieve it. 

This is very different than having discipline thrust upon you. When you are “trained to obey”, your  behavior is motivated by the consequences of not obeying. The discipline is manifested in the form of  punishment and behavior modification. Contrast this to self-discipline, in which the dominant  communicates desired behavior and the submissive chooses to structure themselves to deliver against  that specification, motivated by their desire to serve the dominant in the best way they can.

To me, this is fundamentally the difference between “Submission” and “Acquiescence”. Read my article  on this subject, or my books, for more information about this distinction. 

So, when a sub boasts about how much they can accept, absorb, or endure…when they talk about  punishment and the need for restriction in order to remain focused on serving – I quickly lose interest. I  have no interest in manipulating submission. My interest is in defining submission clearly, so that my  submissives can provide the self-discipline needed to fulfill their need to submit to me. 

A sub who demonstrates discipline is far more valuable to me than one who accepts discipline. If you’re  a dominant and feel the same way, communicate that to your submissives. Change the way they think of  submission. If you’re a submissive, consider that your dominant may prefer you to be more self disciplined…and may not have even thought it “proper” to ask it. I strongly recommend that you use  these definitions as a discussion-point to help you further define your power dynamic with your  partners. It’s one of many steps on the road to mutual fulfillment! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Scene Safety in Mixed Venue Environments

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As time goes on money gets tighter and clubs dedicated to BDSM only are becoming more scarce or harder to get into. As a result, mixed venue environments are being used more often for events, gatherings, and play parties. Mixed venue environments are places which may be kink friendly but are not solely dedicated to BDSM such as swingers clubs, kink friendly bars/nightclubs, or any other place where we can reasonably believe the crowd around where we will be playing comes from differing lifestyles.

There are plenty of safety considerations when deciding on the type of play and setup for a scene in these environments, it all hinges on forethought and preparation. Stand-off distance, equipment choice/availability, crowd movement around the play space, crowd monitoring, and crowd composition are some of the considerations when setting the scene and deciding on the type of scene you will be running.

Playing Where Not Everyone Knows the Etiquette

“People should know to stay out of our way,” is often the attitude of my fellow Lifestylers who are not as accustomed to working in mixed venues. Except a good portion of the crowd will likely not know the safety standards, may be drinking or using other intoxicants, and likely do not understand the needs of the players for unencumbered space for everyone’s safety, including their own. What we often take for granted, others are naïve of.

Recently I attended a kink night at a swingers club. This was a common event once a month (my first time there) and many of the kink players there were not familiar with the space as they had changed the setup of their “dungeon.” What was previously a fairly open and lighted space was now a tight, crowded, poorly lit area. So overcrowded with equipment it restricted players in ways they might not normally have to deal with in a dedicated dungeon. In addition, as aforementioned, there were plenty of intoxicated people around to throw a wrench in the works.

A spanking bench was set up dead center in a 20’ x25’ “dungeon” surrounded by a set of stocks, two St. Andrews Crosses, a medical table, flogging post, and a rather large snake looking things which I have no name for. There were no dungeon monitors to prevent anyone from encroaching on play. Out in another area there were two suspension rigs hanging above the dance floor barely ten feet apart without any cordon around the space to keep people at a distance.

To those who might not know better, it might look like a very cool set up. However, the reality was this space was ripe for someone becoming injured, including bystanders. As a result, players were unable to freely engage in activity without being constantly encroached on; no suspensions happened but plenty of rather loopy people walked up and started using the steel suspension rings like a jungle gym to the chagrin of the two rope tops trying to get something going; and actual scenes were few. But plenty of people brought budget toys to go after each other in manners I would rather not describe. Not a single first aid kit was in sight.

I did speak with the venue owners later in the evening to express my concerns. To their credit, they were more than willing to help make changes in the future to improve both safety and the ability to play. They just did not know what they did not know. Not their fault, but I am surprised no one had taken them aside before and had this conversation.

Before I go farther, I am not blaming anyone. There are a vast number of people entering kink who simply do not know and have not seen what can happen when things go wrong. I am just focusing on what I was able to determine as potential problem areas and try to address how to play safer in similar venues should you choose to attend one.

The new reality for many of us is we must learn to work within the spaces available to us for our kinky gatherings. Whether we like it or not. For some, they are the only spaces available to them.

About Some of the Considerations.

Stand-off distance: Depending on the space available, we may not be able to run a scene with a single-tail or other long implements. How much room is available will drive, partially, the type of toys we may be able to use. Or we may get to where we are setting up and have to change what we have planned. Bring options so you can adjust as needed. We need the length of our implement, plus the length of our arm, plus 18 inches for a minimum safe distance regarding swing path (from where we will be standing, not from the center of the furniture in use). There also needs to be at least four feet around where our bottom will be so no one can reach in and touch them.

If possible, we should border the play space with rope or tape at waist height to create our standoff. If this is not possible, we might have to get creative with how to create the standoff. Or enlist the help of a couple other players to DM for you, and in turn, DM for them to help keep the look-e-loos at bay.

Equipment/Furniture: Whether you bring your own, or the kink furniture is being provided, it all takes up space. Where it is placed within the play space and what angle it is placed can maximize your room available without having to impinge on the rest of the venue. Regardless of what we want, it is not likely the space provided for play will be able to be expanded (indoors) and your choice of implement may need to change accordingly.  

Mixed venue spaces are geared more for the social, than they are for play. There may be other impediments such as tables and chairs, a bar, couches etc. which may limit where we can move kink furniture. Coordinating with local management to set up a play space for a limited time may or may not be an option, but it does not hurt to ask.

Crowd Movement Around the Play Space: Pay attention to the major routes of movement around your potential space. Which way are people traveling? Where are they going? Is it a route to essential services such as restrooms, a first aid station, or (chuckles) the bar? If you are able, pick a play space, or set up the play space so people only need to move on one side or another. Again, keep in mind your backswing area and over travel area for certain types of toys.

At one mixed venue club we attend regularly, our group takes over an elevated stage which is just about the right amount of room for a spank bench or horse and enough standoff to conduct flogging. Being bordered on three sides by couches (occupied by our friends) we are able to control the space fairly well.

Crowd Monitoring: We may need not just a Dungeon Monitor but someone to pay attention to what the crowd is doing. Often others in the immediate area will not understand what they are seeing and may try to encroach on the space in one way or another. The DM must have the ability to watch both play and monitor the crowd. In some cases, there may need to be more than one DM for the scene. Regardless, our DM needs to have the understanding that many of the people around them, do not know what is safe, needed, or expected. The ability to keep a cool head and explain things calmly will help greatly.

Crowd Composition: Let’s face it, some of the play we can get into can seem pretty rough, if not actually rough, to the uneducated observer.  Edge type play in a mixed venue is probably not a good idea. Knives, hook suspensions, scat, piss, roman showers, blood etc. can get the average Joe or Jane all worked up and upset. Giving consideration to the crowd you will be in front of, can prevent Joe/Jane from having the compelling need to save your bottom from you and putting your DM in a bad position. Not saying you cannot do these and other things, just saying you should think about it first and plan accordingly.

Be Open to Questions: After the scene, when appropriate for you, be willing to answer questions for those who are curious. This is your opportunity to talk about not just the scene, but why things were set up the way they were, etiquette, as well as other points we simply take for granted. Remember, they likely do not know, be kind.

Final Thoughts

We all want to have the safest play possible, have successful events, and forward a good impression of kink, BDSM, and our Lifestyle. A little extra time and planning can help make that happen. How we conduct our play in mixed venues gives us the ability to be good kink ambassadors. We can show through our actions, how we handle onlookers, and answering questions that kink is more than just slapping people around and skull fucking.

There is always a way to have our fun in these environments, we just have to be flexible about it. So go out and get your kink on!

TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to several online educational groups such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; and the Virtual Munch. His writing includes information on self-improvement, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics and power exchange, and safety. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for nearly three decades. He can be found on Fetlife at TAC_1

Fear, Trust, and Finding Your Rhythm As A Top/Dominant

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Fear is a healthy reaction to the unknown. The right amount keeps us form going overboard. Too much keeps us from experiencing things, and we miss out. It does not matter if it is stepping on a roller coaster, getting in the car for the NASCAR experience, performing a caning, or rigging your first suspension. Fear is the dividing line between what we can do now, and what we can achieve.

Regular posts from bottoms/submissives appear on the boards asking how to help their tops/dominants get over the anxiety of causing pain and potential injury. Sometimes posts from new tops/dominants, asking for help so they can give their submissive what is needed or desired. Fear holds those dominants back. Fear of themselves, fear of causing harm, uncertainty in skill, and possibly not understanding trust during play, not just the dynamic, is a two-way street.

Trust in a Scene is a Two-Way Street

One of the tallest mountains a top/dominant can climb, is learning how to trust their bottom/submissive during a scene. Sure, we trust them to say when they are having a hard day, not hiding medical problems, or if they are not in good head space. That kind of trust is easier to understand because we have been practicing it our whole lives. That of a good partnership and friend. In play the bottom/submissive is placing their safety and possibly life in the top’s/dominant’s hands, and they are asking us to let go. To give in to some of our baser instincts which society has trained out of us. To be demanding, to be rough; not just to give, but to TAKE. It can be, and is, awe inspiring and overwhelming all in the same breath.

Learning to trust the bottom/submissive to say when too much, is too much. Pain does not always mean harm, injury, or lasting damage. Some bottoms/submissives crave pain, others may like it mixed in with sensual play. You may be a top/dominant who enjoys delivering pain. Let your submissive help guide you on what works and what does not for them. Take your time to study and learn from others how to play safely without causing harm. All the aforementioned cannot come just from the top/dominant, a book, or even a mentor – but must include communication with and information gained from our bottom/submissive.

Fear is about Me…..not We. Changing Mindset.

Being stuck in the mindset of fear, is all about the individual, not the partnership. The ego saying the top/dominant is supposed to know better, supposed to have all the answers, must make all the decisions. Which leads to, “I am afraid of…… I don’t know how…. I don’t know when… what if I fail,”….etc. versus, “we will experience…. we will find the edges….. we will learn….. together.” Tops/dominants are expected to take on a lot of responsibility, to learn, become proficient, and to lead. The mistake is thinking it can be done in a bubble. Trust your bottom/submissive and their feedback to help shed light where it is hard to see.

“I don’t know my own strength,” or something similar is heard commonly. Expressing a reserve from pushing their own boundaries, let alone that of a bottom/submissive. So what? As tops/dominants we do not need to understand our own strength nearly as much as we do the strength of our bottoms/submissives. Work with them so you know if you can go harder or need to be softer. Physically and mentally.

Finding the mindset to balance the fear is a must. The place in the mind which allows acceptance of the bottom’s/submisssive’s trust and trusting them in return. Leveraging that trust to move past the abstract chains keeping a top/dominant from walking forward into the unknown. Embrace the uncertainty as it will always be there to one degree or another. But lean on trust so experiences are not missed, and the desires of both partners can be fulfilled. To learn as tops/dominants, we are not doing something TO our submissive, we are experiencing something WITH them. We are not causing pain, but delivering sensation which is desired and even craved.

Don’t Just Guess

“I’m not sure what to do….,” Ask. Ask your submissive what they are willing to try. Use imagination when designing play. Trust that when a submissive says, yes, they mean it. Whether subscribing to SSC, RACK, PRICK or the half dozen other paradigms regarding safety in play, having faith in each other, communication and consent are at the heart of all of them. Take time to thoroughly research a kink or aspect of play together before doing it. When the research is done, plans are made, and consent has been given…. accept bottoms/submissives have their own minds, and are making a decision to TRUST you…..so trust them.

“They want me to really go rough with them, but I’m afraid of hurting them…,” Well they are not, or they would not be asking for it. They may want the rush of adrenaline and the high which comes from play. The deep bond which can come from enduring and feeling in ways not normally felt. It can be done without damaging them or causing serious injury. It takes time, practice, research, patience, and seeking their feedback.

Have a Process

When I work with a new bottom or submissive, even if they are experienced, I take it slowly. Everything is discussed beforehand. Not just about the play itself, but what implements will be used; how I will be communicating with them; warning signs and signals; safe words; where the first aid kit will be located etc.

Warming up in the scene; checking in with them throughout asking where their comfort level is; 1 to 10. Watching how they act and react to different implements, how they are used, or different strikes on parts of their body. Both of us learning each other as we go. We do not have to know it all right out of the gate. We do need to have a plan, be focused, and pay attention.

After the scene, sometimes the next day, I will recap the scene with them; ask them what they did and did not like; what went well and what did not; If something was too much or too little; is something they want more of. The point being, with someone new, or as a new top/dominant, we have not learned to read our bottom/submissive yet. This is an opportunity to gain their input and learn.

As time progresses and with becoming more experienced, we will be able to read body language better and see the cues the bottom/submissive gives. Patience, practice, and listening to the bottom/submissive will help get a us to where we need to be. This does not take the place of good communication, but augments it allowing the scene to be more organic.

Finding a Rhythm

“I really like flogging, but am I doing it right?” Whatever it is, it rarely gets done right the first time, or even the first ten times. I can cane one submissive one way….. and for another it just does not work for them. It is as much art as it is science. The physical techniques will only get you part of the way. Learning what works for you and a particular bottom/submissive is the art. Some require a soft warm up, others prefer a hard shock to get them focused before warming and building into play. This is a process which requires the participation of both the parties. Don’t be afraid to experiment WITH them.

If you stick with it long enough you will learn your bottom/submissive. Just like playing poker, everyone has tells. Reading them becomes part of that experience. Eventually play/scenes become a dance where only the two of you can hear and understand the music. Talking through things is still important, but you will find the rhythm between the two of you that works.

Putting it All Together

Learning yourself and your bottom/submissive; learning more about the kinks that are of interest; and learning to let go of the fear. These become part of the building blocks for you to begin letting go and truly trusting your partner.

Trust is the daylight which pushes back the boundaries of fear. Trust in your bottom/submissive will pay off in your own self confidence because it frees you to be who you are. It is ok to be anxious when pushing forward into unknown territory. Just realize you are not doing it alone, but with your partner. Trust them, and they will trust you.

TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to several online educational groups such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; and the Virtual Munch. His writing includes information on self-improvement, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics and power exchange, and safety. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for nearly three decades. He can be found on Fetlife at TAC_1.