Article - Jenn

Finding a D-type

April 16, 2018 By Jenn Masri Leave a Comment

There has been a reader inquiry:

“I’m starting to think about finding a Dom. Not quite sure where to start. Would love some tips on how to avoid narcissistic psychos who pretend.”

I think we’d all like to avoid psychos! Lol

Based on this question I have come up with this article to speak to people in general who are looking for their “other half”.

The first step begins with you.

Know what you’re looking for and what you have to offer. Keep in mind that when you actually meet a real live person, they probably won’t check off every box. When thinking of what you’d like create lists of things that are absolute “musts” along with a list of “these would be great” traits. You may have a list of deal breakers as well.

Even more important than what you’re looking for, however, is who you are and what you have to offer. I say all the time – know thyself. Develop who you are as a person – not just as an s-type. Be the kind of partner that you would seek out. Be someone who is trustworthy, confident in yourself, not looking for someone to “fix” you or solve your problems, good with communication, emotionally mature, etc. I can speak to traits in a submissive that may be “traditionally” sought out by D-types – such as being open to training, a willingness to serve, excellent cleaning/domestic skills, etc. However, these traits, in my opinion, come second to the kind of relationship you are able to form. Domestic skills and protocols can be taught. Good communication, confidence, etc are a part of who you are and are developed over time with an investment in personal growth.

Once you have come to terms with who you are and you are happy with where you are in your ever growing journey, then you can be open to finding a match. Ultimately it depends on what about you matches well with the Dom that crosses your path. One D-type says “no brats!” and another says “I love a brat because I see it as a fun challenge”. Most important is to know who YOU are and what you have to offer.

So let’s say you get to the point of being ready and meet a D-type you think could have potential. I recommend taking your time and getting to know them as a human being first. Do you connect as people? Does their energy feel good and positive? Does your gut send off any warning signals that there may be red flags? These are all things to pay attention to. In addition, take inventory from the outside world. Do they seem to have their shit together? If they are going to take the lead in the relationship and/or in your life it’s a good sign if they can manage their life first. If they play in the scene do they have a good reputation? Have you seen them play? Do mutual friends seem to have good things to say overall? Do they seem to conduct themselves with integrity and care for others? These are good signs.

(Random tip: red flag warning if they are over-the-top charming right off the bat!)

There is a reason I focused so much in this article on working on yourself. I truly believe that if we are working really hard to find a relationship, it probably means we aren’t really ready for one. A relationship of any kind shouldn’t be a “need” it should be a “want”. When you approach from that mindset it leads to a clearer head to be able to catch the red flags as well as a good grasp on recognizing a good partner when we meet them.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Different Levels of Protocol

December 11, 2017 By Jenn Masri 2 Comments

I’ve written before about protocol – but this article is to go into the subject a little further. I want to talk about different levels of protocol. Low (or everyday) protocol, medium protocol, and high protocol. Keep in mind that one person’s “medium” can be another person’s “high” or someone else’s “low”. Also, some D/s relationships may choose to maintain medium or high protocols and not allow low protocol with perhaps just a few exceptions. I will describe these categories with various examples to give you a general idea of what I’m talking about.

Low/everyday Protocol

This refers to the most casual form of protocols. These may include protocols that aren’t as obvious to the vanilla world. Or being in “low protocol” may simply mean you aren’t adhering to most of your protocols with a few exceptions, like coffee service for example.

Medium Protocol

For many people in D/s relationships this may be their everyday protocol or for some it may be the protocols that they adhere to whenever they are at a kink event.

High Protocol

Typically this level of protocol is followed when attending a high protocol kink event. It also may be used for specific periods of time (eg, high protocol weekend) or specific situations (eg, hosting a high protocol dinner).

So what would this perhaps look like in reality? I’m going to use one type of protocol as an example and explain how it would be done in low vs medium vs high.

Let’s start with a fun one – bathroom protocol! Lol If this is a protocol that’s followed then the low/everyday version may be that the s-type must let the D-type know that they are using the restroom. The medium version is the one many people are more familiar with. This would be where the s-type must ask permission to use the restroom.

Wondering what the heck high protocol would look like? Some people think it may be that the s-type isn’t allowed to go to the restroom. Not quite. Typically it may look like the s-type isn’t using the restroom, when in reality they are simply having to wait for permission to use the restroom – they may not ask. This, of course, means that the D-type needs to pay close attention!

Another example would be protocol about where the s-type locates themselves around the D-type. In low protocol the s-type may be required to stand or sit to the left of their D-type. In medium protocol perhaps they must stand or sit to their left in a specific position. In high protocol perhaps there is an added protocol that the s-type always sits on the floor at the D-types’ feet whether the D-type is standing or sitting.

These are just a couple of simple examples – something to give you an idea of how protocols can be used in different ways. As I mentioned before – these are general examples, one person may treat the medium bathroom protocol as their high protocol, etc.

You can also use different collars to represent the level of protocol you’re in. For example – when in low protocol perhaps the s-type wears an everyday, or casual, collar. In medium protocol situations there may be a more traditional or fetish collar used. In high protocol the s-type may wear a fetish collar or perhaps a posture collar is used. These various collars still represent the same relationship dynamic.

Added note – in some circumstances protocols of any kind are more difficult. Vanilla settings, family functions, etc. Some people may decide to temporarily remove protocols or come up with “vanilla protocols” that represent the protocols they have in place but that are very discreet or aren’t noticeable. For example, they have a protocol in place where the s-type must ask permission to start eating. This may be viewed unfavorably by a more mainstream crowd. So, instead, they decide that the s-types way of “asking permission” is to comment about how good the meal looks/smells, etc. Then the D-types way of “giving permission” is by agreeing that the food look/smells delicious. Nobody is the wiser but the D/s couple has stuck to their protocol, under the radar.

I hope this gives a bit more insight as to how protocols can be used in different ways.

Is is Normal for a Person Transitioning From Vanilla to Kink to…?

December 4, 2017 By Jenn Masri Leave a Comment

This article is in response to a reader inquiry. I will be doing my best to reply based on the information given but if I could I would ask a few questions first. To start off I will post the original question:

“My girlfriend is more experienced at BDSM and I still get jealous when her fans worship. She tells me she is mine and I need to be more confident – it’s rough because I am new. But I am definitely enjoying the scenes when they’re not her. Is this regular from a person transitioning from vanilla into kink? I’ve always been a little kinky but I’m just admitting it to myself and exploring.”

A few of my questions would be:

What do you mean by “fans worship”? Is she a pro?
If you enjoy the scenes when it’s not her – does this mean you watch her in scenes with other people?
What is your dynamic?
Are you both poly in any way?
What conversations have you had about this? Have the two of you discussed any boundaries or compromises when it comes to what makes you feel uncomfortable?

I wanted to pose these questions here so that if anyone else out there is in a similar spot – they can start with asking these questions of themselves and their own relationship.

So – now I will do my best to speak to some of the issues I am inferring from what I know.

The partner’s response of “you need to be more confident” sounds a bit callous to me. Keep in mind I don’t have much to go on, nor have I heard her side. However, the “suck it up” mentality rarely works in relationships. As the new partner it is important to have a voice and feel heard. As the experienced partner it is important to have patience and be willing to make some compromises.

If the girlfriend is a pro then I assume the boyfriend is not watching those sessions. So, why then, is he watching her play with others? If you are establishing a new relationship it’s important to define what your relationship dynamic will be. If they are (at least) poly play then it’s fine that she plays with others, however, if he isn’t comfortable watching then he should be free to not go, not watch, or make his own plans during that time. If he isn’t comfortable being poly play at all then that is a bigger discussion to have.

I would recommend some serious sit down conversations to establish their relationship, their dynamic and their poly/mono status overall. Once those things are established then they need to continue discussions regarding compromises, boundaries and self-care. I would encourage communication from a place of empathy and compassion – especially since he is new to all of this. If they find communication difficult I would recommend finding someone within the community – even just a mutual friend – who can help them in facilitating these discussions.

Is it “normal” to feel jealousy and/or confusion when entering the world of kink with an experienced partner who is playing with other, more experienced, people? It certainly can be! Take it slow and don’t be afraid to voice your feelings.

My First Play Party

November 20, 2017 By Jenn Masri Leave a Comment

I get asked by friends all the time, “Jenn, don’t you get tired of teaching the same basic stuff over and over?”

To that I say no. The reason I don’t get tired of what I do is for many reasons. I am giving info and providing opportunities that I wished I’d had when I was new, seeing people discover new things makes my heart super happy, and staying in touch with new folks week after week keeps me in touch with when I was new. I think it’s important to remember what that was like – otherwise it’s easy to become jaded, frustrated and even judgmental. What becomes second nature or common knowledge to us is often foreign to a new person. There is a learning curve here.

So having said all that I wanted to go back to my first ever public play party.

When I started in the scene I went to classes and munches and spent much of my time in the rope world and the spanko world. I got involved with a spanko group (which still exists) that, at that time, consisted of private parties in the group leader’s residence. Then one of the members of that group hosted a spanko party at a dungeon. I decided this would be a safe entry into the dungeon play party world because at least I would know a few people. This party happened to be held at a well-known dungeon in North Orange County here in SoCal.

I pulled into the parking lot in my family size SUV and I just sat there for a while. The address I punched into my Garmin took me to an industrial business type building so I had to double check my GPS like 25 times to make sure I wasn’t in the wrong place. Then I noticed people starting to arrive. I scoured their clothing and noticed that most of the women were wearing things like sundresses or flowy knee length skirts! I panicked. I looked down at my tight denim mini skirt and 6 inch stilettos and I immediately doubted my choice of outfit! Would I stand out like a sore thumb? Had I worn the wrong thing? Before I let myself give in to the panic and just drive home, I decided to text the one person who I knew was at the party and that I actually had a number for. (It happened to be the leader of the group at the time.) I told him I was parked outside and afraid I’d dressed inappropriately. I asked him to please come out to my car and tell me if I was right. (yes, he was nice enough to leave the party and come out to calm my fears) He laughed on his way to the car, shaking his head, and once he saw my outfit he assured me I would be completely ok. He walked me in and we went inside to where the party was happening.

The first thing I did was make a friend – a cute girl in pigtails and a cheerleading outfit – because at least she was another person not in a casual sundress! She and I sat and hung out and I realized that there was a reason for all those sundresses and flowy skirts. This was a spanko party and they were easy to flip up!! Lol Oh was I relieved! It wasn’t about a dress code or what outfit was appropriate, it was just easier access for what they were there to do!

After that realization I relaxed, met more people, including some from a class I’d been in a couple weeks before, and had a good time. There is more to the story but I covered the point of this article. Your first public play party can be scary and overwhelming. It’s ok to admit that and to reach out to a friendly face. It’s also good for veterans of the scene to remember this if you are the one they reach out to!

Telling Your Significant Other that You’re Kinky

November 6, 2017 By Jenn Masri Leave a Comment

man telling his girlfriend that he is kinky — via stock.adobe.com

So you’re single and ready to mingle. You’ve been out there in the dating pool a day, a month, a year, 10 years…. doesn’t matter. Starting to date people you meet at kink events (munches, classes, parties, etc.) is easy when it comes to letting them know you’re kinky because you simply don’t have to. However, what about people you meet in the vanilla world?

I realize it’s not easy for everyone and most people don’t have the luxury of being completely out about their lifestyle like I do. Because I’m out and because of my various jobs – all of which are in the community – I pretty much get outed as soon as someone asks what I do for a living. I can, if need be, leave out a lot and only focus on the therapist part in a vanilla way. I usually do this in situations where I risk outing someone else or I am in a situation that involves risk to my children. If I was dating, however, this wouldn’t be an issue and I would be chatting about it during our initial conversations. This isn’t the case with many other people out there though.

So I would like to first point out that just because you meet someone in the vanilla world, this doesn’t mean they are vanilla. They could make the same assumption about you!

I’d like to back up just a bit because I think one thing is important before we go further. I want to say, like I have many times before, know thyself. In this case I am referring to knowing how important kink is to you and how much of a priority it is in your life. This will determine, or at least influence, your approach in this situation. If kink is more of a fun hobby to you in the bedroom, but not too important, then you may approach the issue in a casual way. Perhaps mention “things you’ve tried” and measure their reaction, for example. Even if they are wildly against it – your priority may be the other connections you share and so it doesn’t matter much. However, if you are someone who wears a figurative button on their collar that says “Kink is the air I breathe” – then you’re approach may be very different.

Even if you are somewhere in between those examples I’d recommend having a starter conversation about your involvement in the scene sooner rather than later. If kink and/or power exchange is important to you then it’s better to let the other person know so they can also decide how to move forward. I’d say within the first few dates.

There is an exception to this. If outing yourself to this person could put your job, kids, or other important aspect of your life at risk – take a slower pace. Maybe you have mutual colleagues or work in the same field in the same city or your kids go to the same school. Get to know them a little better, feel them out, and build some trust before laying it all on the table.

Beyond this, however, do it as soon as it feels right. Otherwise you may be misleading the other person and it will only get more difficult the more time you spend together, especially if it’s not well received.

Creating Your Identity

October 23, 2017 By Jenn Masri 3 Comments

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not referring to how you identify in terms of D/s roles, gender or sexual orientation. This article is about forming your online identity when you enter the world of kink and creating your name and online profile on Fetlife (or other online forum).

This is inspired from two separate reader questions (one on kinkweekly and another sent to me privately). The question sent to kinkweekly was as follows,

“I do have one question about profiles in general. What makes for a good ‘about me’ section? I am horrible at writing about myself, but don’t want the ‘about me’ to just say UNDER CONSTRUCTION for a long time. Any thoughts or tips are appreciated.”

The question posed to me directly was this,

“May I ask how you chose your name? Do you use a particular name that always sticks with you? Any guidance would be sincerely appreciated.”

I figured these two topics are somewhat related – so why not tackle them together. I will start with the name. This was what I sent in response to the private message:

My first fetlife name was actually pulled from my email address at the time. After a while (can’t remember how long it was) I decided to change it to something more meaningful to me.

When I entered the kink scene I was coming out of a 17 year vanilla marriage – going thru a divorce. I felt that I had been living the way I “should” all my life – doing what was expected…. college, marriage, kids, etc.
When I discovered the scene I felt like I found my calling and my people – which I never knew existed before.
Hence the lostnfound1 name.

So I’d say choose something that has meaning for you. Also keep in mind you can change it. I may have changed mine at some point except that once I started doing education classes, parties, etc. I didn’t want to confuse people.

Also keep in mind that this will be a name that you will use when you meet people and they want to friend you – so be careful of it being too complex, weird spelling, etc.

One more thing to think about. Some people choose their name by their kink and then it can be awkward at a munch saying, “oh yeah friend me on fetlife – my handle is PutEverythingInMyAss” lol

So there’s my advice on choosing a handle, or screen name, for your online profile.

Now on to the reader question about filling out the ‘about me’ section of your profile. This is difficult when it comes to specific advice because, well, it’s about YOU! However, I have some things for you to think about as you create and fill in your page. Keep in mind that this will be the first, if not only, impression that people have of you. It will also be what people have to go on if they want to correspond with you. Also keep in mind that many people will not read your profile and only go off what they see in your pictures.

I’m going to put some examples out there in the hope that you can take it from there.

I had a friend who was getting tired of always getting rude propositions from men online. Her profile talked about how she identified as a submissive and some of her main kinks. Her pics were 80% nude shots or her during sex acts. One of her kinks is exhibitionism – which is great, nothing wrong with that. She was putting out to the internet what she enjoyed as it fed into her kink. Could her profile focus a bit more on her vanilla interests or include more G rated images? Sure. I’m not here to judge her page, however, I wasn’t surprised that she received many messages that infuriated her and made her feel like “all they want is sex”. All the men had to go on were sexually charged words and images – they had no other way to connect to her. Again, no judgement – just food for thought.

Another friend who had his penis as his profile pic kept wondering why he kept getting ignored or attacked by the women he was messaging online. He was writing thoughtful messages – not even copy paste! 😉 Many people are turned off by a profile picture that is just genitalia. Not all people – I get that – but many. They have a hard time getting past it to get to know the rest of the person. If he only wanted to meet those that enjoyed it then that’s cool. However, in his desire to meet a life partner he decided to change his profile picture.

I could go thru a bajillion more examples – but just keep in mind that the person looking at your profile doesn’t know you as a human being. Look at your own page from a stranger’s angle – or have friends help – and ask yourself if it represents who you are and what you want to put yourself out there as.

What’s Your Motivation?

September 25, 2017 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

What is your motivation for entering the BDSM community? I think for most people it’s a discovery of their inner kinkster – whether that’s a love for fetish, sadism and/or masochism, and/or power exchange. Those of us who seek like-minded people, education, and exploration into this world. For most of us this means venturing out to events in order to meet people and make new friends. Heading to classes about anything and everything we can find in order to absorb this new community full of new information.

Perhaps once we have made a few friends and found a handful of other people who may have a bit more experience in the scene, we venture out into the sea of parties that we have here in Southern California (or hopefully you have parties to attend where you live) to watch people play or try all the exciting shiny things. We learn, we grow, and we begin to discover more about ourselves.

Well. This article isn’t for all those people.

This article is to speak to all the people that breeze into our community with very different motivations. No, I’m not referring to those that come in, take a look around, and then decide it’s not really for them. The ones that think it looks exciting but realize quickly that they are content in their more vanilla lifestyle. That is understandable and ok – this community and way of life aren’t for everyone. At least they were willing to dip their toe in the water without (hopefully) passing judgement. Nope, this article is for the ones who come in with ridiculous expectations and/or sublime sensitivities.

I have witnessed and heard about two prominent examples of these things. Let’s start with the ridiculous expectations. The example of this that I see most often is a new person showing up to a party. They haven’t taken any classes and maybe gone to a munch or two. They hang out at the party – off on the sidelines – looking for their Cindy Crawford or Pierce Brosnan (insert hot model/ sexy/ cool actor type of your choice here) to waltz up to them and kneel before them or take them by the hair. This, of course, will be followed up by the most amazing scene ever and they will live happily-ever-after in BDSM paradise. When this doesn’t happen they get on Fetlife ranting about the party attendees and how none of them were “their idea of hotness” or if they were they were already taken. Well, guess what – that’s not how this works. Ultimately something these people would find out if they stayed in the scene long enough to discover it, is that we look beyond the external to the depths and connection we have with other people. Sadly (or not?) many of these folks disengage with the scene and reengage on vanilla hook up sites to do what they really came for and thought they could find here.

The other example is when people come in who are highly and easily offended. I have a recent example of this. A person, new to the scene, attended one of my Kinky Karaoke play parties. The party was high energy and full of fun! People were singing all night long – everything from Disney to heavy metal and from country to classic rock and everything in between. There was dancing, the Singing Masochist performances, and the rap battle. It was a really great night overall. The next day I received a message on Fetlife from someone who had attended the party who was highly offended because someone sang a song with offensive language and the singer wasn’t the right color to be singing those lyrics. (Yes I am admittedly paraphrasing.) This person was so offended by this that they felt unsafe in the scene and wouldn’t be attending any more of my events, etc. Really? The singer obviously wasn’t directing the lyrics at you and didn’t mean any offense by it. They were simply enjoying a karaoke party and singing the lyrics of a rap song. Guess what? This could be the same in any karaoke bar in any city anywhere. So basically this person was saying, “I’m not gonna explore any more of this community because my feelings were hurt.” What this says to me is that they weren’t interested in the bigger picture of what this community has to offer.

So please, if you are thinking about starting your exploration into the BDSM community – no matter where you live, take the time to attend classes and munches. Spend some time investing in real people and forming real connections before you pass judgement and leave. This scene is what you make of it.

BDSM Terms and Definitions

September 19, 2017 By Jenn Masri 2 Comments

This is less of an article and more of a list. However, if you have stumbled onto Kink Weekly and are new, then my hope is that you find this list helpful in getting you started. Is this a complete list of “all the things” you need to know as you enter the world of kink? Absolutely not. These are some terms I believe cover many basics that you may come across as you start your journey. I go over each of these in more detail in my first class of my BDSM 101 Series, but these brief definitions should do the job for now!

BDSM – (Bondage and Discipline) + (Sadism and Masochism) + (Dominance and Submission) Used to describe a community that includes a wide range of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures.

Kinky vs Vanilla – kinky: “unconventional sexual preferences or behavior” vs. vanilla: non-kinky (could refer to a person, behavior, thing, etc.) A kinky person or couple can also have vanilla things/people in their life. Job, family, friends, even vanilla sex!

Dom vs Switch vs sub –
Dom (Domme/Dominant/Master/Mistress/Owner/Top etc.) – if not sure what someone goes by or when referring to this type in general you might say “D-type”. Basically it refers to the person who exerts control in the power exchange relationship.

sub (submissive/slave/pet/bottom etc.) “s-type” – refers to the person that gives over control to their D-type or receives whatever the D-type gives in a power exchange relationship.

Switch – refers to someone that likes to top and bottom (will explain below) or who is both Dominant and submissive – usually based on their energy with the other person. So you may have a switch that has s-types in service to them and they serve a D-type. Or perhaps someone who is primarily an s-type but enjoys Topping occasionally. These are only a couple examples – there is a whole spectrum of examples when it comes to switches.

Topping/Bottoming – I kept this separate because it refers to the position one plays during play or during a “scene”. It doesn’t tell you anything about their D/s dynamic or identity. Some people don’t involve a D/s dynamic in their relationship, so the relationship is “vanilla” except when they play – one tops the other bottoms. They can switch between the two as well – for different scenes or within a scene. Just refers to (basically) who is giving and who is receiving.

*Sidebar – just because a D-type bottoms for, say, a specific thing (like flogging) doesn’t mean they identify as a switch. Nor is an s-type who tops occasionally or for a specific thing. It’s very important for you to not place your own labels and assumptions on others. Learn or ask them how they identify.

Different orientations:

Homoflexible – a person who identifies primarily as homosexual but can occasionally find the opposite sex appealing or is willing in certain circumstances to have sexual contact or play with the opposite sex

Heteroflexible – a person who identifies primarily as heterosexual but can occasionally find the same sex appealing or is willing in certain circumstances to have sexual contact or play with the same sex

Bisexual – attracted to both same and opposite sex (CIS male/CIS female)

Pan sexual – attracted to people of all gender identities and biological sexes.

Cross dresser/transvestite (CD/TV) – someone that dresses as the opposite sex. Does not tell you how they identify or their sexual orientation. In fact, many cross-dressers are heterosexual.

Negotiation (for a scene) – even for the most casual scene there should be a negotiation, especially between new play partners. This is when medical issues and triggers are discussed, as well as safewords, aftercare, what is ok or not ok, sexual touch and overall the type of scene you are looking to have.

Subspace – 2 types: physical & psychological. Basically when chemicals are released like adrenalin, serotonin, etc. when you play. Best I can compare to is a runner’s high. Not everyone will experience it and those who do will experience the effects in different ways.

Subdrop –Your body trying to regulate after those chemicals have been released. You may feel “off”, emotional, a bit depressed, etc. Things that can help may include support network, physical activity, dark chocolate, meditation, journaling, favorite movie, etc.

Power exchange – Any situation where two or more people consensually and voluntarily agree to a relationship in which one (or more) people assume authority and one (or more) people yield authority, either for a predetermined time, or indefinitely.

Protocol – A formalized set of rules controlling the interaction between Dominants and submissives. Can be within a relationship or established by a group or club. Low protocol/High protocol.

Actions/behavioral protocol (like positions), written protocol (like “slashy speak”), speech protocol (like using honorifics or how suggestions are voiced).

Poly aka polyamorous – state of mind/potential or actual practice – there are various ways to structure poly that works for you. Being poly is NOT about being single or cheating – the key is that all individuals are aware of all relationships.

Energy exchange – energy can be used to describe the feeling you get from another person. It’s not necessarily what they do, how they look, what they say…more just the “feeling” of them. Energy exchange in a scene can take many forms. It can feel sensual, sadistic, primal, playful, etc. It can change during scene as well. This also refers to the connection between the players.

I hope these brief definitions help. Keep in mind some people will define some of these terms differently – this is why communication is key!!

Joining the Kink Community

August 28, 2017 By Jenn Masri 3 Comments

Discovering the world of kink can be a fabulous and overwhelming experience. So where do you go? What do you do? This can be especially nerve wracking if you are coming in like I did – unpartnered and clueless.

In my opinion Fetlife is the best way to find events in the scene. Most event coordinators will promote there whether or not they promote elsewhere. So the first step, if you haven’t already, is to join Fetlife. Go to Fetlife.com and create a profile. Feel free to use a stock photo or a picture of your dog as your profile pic until you come up with something better. Just don’t leave it empty for long. The profiles with a big “?” as the profile pic may make people think it’s a fake account, you’re a troll, etc. Also, keep in mind my next step will only work if you input your actual city or one that is near you. I understand if you are uncomfortable putting your specific city name – but even a nearby city will work. For example if you live in Santa Monica (which is a beach city near Los Angeles) then use Santa Monica or Los Angeles. However, if you use Antarctica (and don’t actually live there) then my next suggestion will not work.

On to the next step. Along the top of the site you will see a link for “Events” – click on it. Under “Upcoming Events” you will notice three tabs. “Friends RSVPed to”, “Near Me”, and “All Events”. If you are brand new to the site, chances are you don’t have any (or many) friends on your friends list yet, so that tab won’t offer much. The “All Events” tab will be overwhelming and probably take you a while to scroll through, however, if you posted a fake city this will be your option. So that leaves you with the “Near Me” tab. Click it! You will probably have to get through the first few pages of events that recently happened before you get to the current date. Then look at each event listed for the dates coming up that you have some free time. My opinion is that you focus on finding a class first. Starting with classes accomplishes a few things – you learn something regardless of current interests, you meet people in a non-pressure environment, and if you are on the shy side there is less expectation of socialization. So find a class on any topic that works for your schedule and GO!

(*If you are in the Los Angeles area I know a wonderful BDSM 101 Series at Sanctuary you can attend every Monday at 8pm – wink wink.)

My first class was on singletails (a.k.a whips). Was I interested in singletails? Nope. Did they, in fact, terrify me? Yep. I went anyway because I figured I would meet other people who were active in the scene and possibly learn something – or at least have fun watching the demo. Sure enough, all of those things happened. There was no pressure to play (because it wasn’t a party), going alone wasn’t awkward, and even though I am very social and extroverted, there was more focus on the class and presenter, which was nice given my newbie status.

Once you’re at the class be sure to approach either the instructor (after the class is finished) or another classmate that looks friendly and let them know you’re new and wondering what other classes or munches are coming up. Ask if they will be there – then you will have a familiar face to look for.

Go to more classes, start attending munches. Munches are just where a group of kinksters get together in a vanilla setting (usually a restaurant) to eat and socialize. Let people know you’re new and looking for friends and other events. Once you are ready to attend a play party you will have met lots of people and started to create a friends list. You will have people to reach out to and to look for and talk to at events.

I know you may be anxious to start playing and/or finding a partner. However, my advice is to slow it down and take your time. Get to know the scene and the people in it. Get a feel for who is experienced in the type of play you want to try, who you can trust, etc. I know it can be overwhelming and scary at first – and your experience will differ depending on how big your local scene is – but enjoy the process. View it as an adventure to be explored!

What is a Switch?

August 14, 2017 By Jenn Masri 9 Comments

When someone tells you they identify as a Dominant or Master, submissive or slave – you have a pretty good idea what that means. But how about when someone tells you they’re a switch? Well, it means you need to ask more questions.
I often compare somebody that identifies as a switch to someone who identifies as bisexual. Now, before you get all upset, I understand that sexual orientation and D/s dynamic identifiers have nothing to do with one another. That is not what I compare. Here is what I mean: both identities lay upon a spectrum and there are some similar stereotypes that both groups deal with.

On one hand you can have someone like me – I personally identify as an s-type, however, I have the skills to top and do enjoy it on occasion with a handful of people. So, technically, I can say I’m a switch because I can Top and bottom for play. However, for me, I have no interest in being anyone’s Dominant or being involved in a D/s dynamic with me as the D-type. I won’t say it will never happen because I know better, it’s just not something I am interested in currently. On the other hand you will find people that feel equally Dominant and submissive and may have a partner (or partners) that they switch with – or are in a poly situation where they have one (or more) partner(s) they submit to and another (or others) they are a Dominant to. Some people may flow from one to another – go through phases if you will. Sometimes in their life they feel the need for more submission and at other times feel the need to express more of their Dominant side. Still others may lean more toward one side or another but it’s closer to a 60/40 than someone like me who is closer to 80/20 (or so). The point is that there is a very diverse spectrum when it comes to being a switch. Everyone is different and you just need to ask what it means to them.

Now I would like to address the stereotype that seems to get placed on switches that reminds me of the one placed on those that identify as bisexual. It’s the stereotype that a switch is confused about their identity, going through a phase, or just doesn’t want to commit one way or the other. While these things, of course, can be true for some people – it is not true for most.

Being a switch is just as much who they are as someone who knows they are a D-type or an s-type. I am not confused about what I like. That doesn’t mean it may not change. When I discovered this community I swore I was totally an s-type and would never be able to Top. Eventually I started exploring it because, well, why not? I believe this lifestyle is perfect for self-exploration and growth! So I explored the “Top side” of play. I had always gone to classes to learn how to use implements, etc. to enhance my play as a bottom and learn about it for safety reasons. So once I started to Top I already had some skill. I found I tend to prefer Topping s-type women. I can Top men, however, I usually do that from more of a “service Top” position. It’s not what curls my toes. I don’t know what will develop down the line. Perhaps I will come upon a woman I would like to serve me in some capacity. I try to never say never because none of us really know what the future holds. Does that change (if it were to happen) mean I’m just “going through a phase”? Absolutely not. I still feel my submission pulled from male Dom energy and believe I always will. It’s simply a matter of how my Top side will grow or with whom.

We all have our own story and our own journey. This space allows us to explore and reach in directions we never thought possible. Know thyself and then get to know others. Especially those darn switches! 🙂

Article - Jenn

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