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Article - Jenn

Poly Hierarchy

April 17, 2017 By Jenn Masri 3 Comments

Want to know the right way to do poly? I have the answer.

The answer is…….there is no right way! Sorry.

There may be a right way for one person, however, that may not be the right way for another, or anyone else for that matter. One part of “doing poly” is how you describe your poly. What words do you use to describe various partners, metamours, or yourself?

It seems that the hierarchical terms of “primary” and “secondary” were pretty accepted universally (back in the day). This acceptance seems to be changing. Many poly folks do not like these terms because it makes it sound like a “primary” partner is more important than a “secondary” one. So there have been a few solutions to this. One is finding different terms. One I like is “anchor partner” or “nesting partner” (yes these would take the place of various types of primary partners). Others do away with terms altogether.

I would like to state my personal opinion, however, which is counter to the popular one. I am, personally, not offended by the use of primary and secondary. I was in a relationship triad where I was the secondary partner, or “third”. For me it helped form my role within the triad. I knew what to expect as well as what was expected of me. I never assigned a “less than” meaning to it. It was more of a descriptor of my role. In my current relationship status I have an “anchor” partner, or primary, and I am with someone to whom I am a secondary partner and she is my secondary partner as well. She has her own primary (or nesting partner) – since they share a home. Our relationship is different than my relationship with my primary and it’s different then her relationship with hers. Different is ok. It doesn’t mean we aren’t important to one another. If I need to go to the hospital, my anchor partner is most likely the one to take me. If I need to discuss financial issues, etc – I am more likely to discuss it with my anchor because it effects his life more that hers. It just is what it is. I also see my anchor partner almost every day, while my secondary partner and I see one another when we can, however, due to our schedules and distance it’s usually only 1-3 times a month on average.

My opinion is that if it acts like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck. And that duck is no more or less important that another swan in the pond – only different. I also realize that some poly tribes honestly have no hierarchy – no life crossovers (finances, kids, shared household, etc.) and so hierarchical terms don’t fit anyway. I also understand that many people don’t like the terms because it sounds like they imply better or worse.
My opinion is that words hold the weight that you assign them. I have never attached value to these descriptors – only used them as an easier way to explain the situation and relationships I’m in.

Just like everything else with poly – come up with and use words that work for you and your people.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Tagged With: multiple relationships, poly dating, polyamory, relationship management

Taboo Role-Play

April 10, 2017 By Jenn Masri 4 Comments

good school girl

As many Kink Weekly readers already know, I am a marriage and family therapist. Part of becoming a licensed therapist is putting in 3,000 hours of client work before taking the exams. The hours must be a combination of individual, joint, family, group and kid therapy. Part of what made up my group hours was the 8 years I worked as a co-therapist for a group of sex offenders. (I stayed on after finishing my hours) This group consisted of offenders who were on probation and therapy was a requirement for the duration of their probation period. The offenses ranged from the 19 year old getting caught with his underage girlfriend to date rape to the molestation of family members and every story in between. These guys (and one female in the 8 years I was there) made very bad decisions and broke the law and were paying for it.

Now that I’ve said all that, let’s move on to the topic of this article: taboo role-play. There is a reason I am linking the two. Role play can be anything. From pretending to be an animal, a celebrity, a pizza delivery person, historical figures, etc. You can use your imagination and get as creative as you’d like! Don’t limit yourself to teacher/student or doctor/nurse. Even just pretending to be strangers and “picking up” on each other at a bar or coffee shop can be fun!

However, there are also many types of role play that fall under a more “taboo” category. Priest/altar boy, nun/parishioner, kidnapping, sleep/drugged play, rape, consensual-non consent, daddy/daughter (or any other combo) molestation play. Some of these taboo role plays are the consensual version of what the sex offenders had done. What’s the difference? Consent and age. You are playing these scenarios out with another consenting adult.

Many people feel guilty for engaging in this type of role play due to the fact that it is not ok if done in the real world with a non-consenting partner. However, I am here to tell you that it’s ok in this circumstance. So long as everyone involved knows what they are getting involved in, is an adult, and is agreeing to it. Can this type of play lead to triggers that someone wasn’t aware would come up? Of course. But triggers can happen with any type of play. (See my article about triggers for more info on how to handle it if this happens.)

The world of kink and BDSM is a great place to explore all those deep dark corners of your fantasies with other people who share in them or who are at the very least willing to join your exploration. There is no need to feel guilty over it. Those guys in the therapy group have things to feel guilty about. In this community we should take responsibility to do it with consenting adults with no purposeful harm. As long as this is the case then all I can say is get your taboo kink on!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Tagged With: age play, animal play, role play, taboo play

Changing Safewords

April 3, 2017 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

goddessfae_25

So the rule of thumb is typically that it’s better to stick with the more widely known Safewords. In Southern California we use the “traffic light” safewords of green, yellow, and red. It may or may not be different in different parts of the country or internationally – however, since I didn’t research that I won’t presume to know.

First I will explain what (basically) these safewords mean in case any readers are newer to the scene. Green means the bottom is enjoying what’s happening. Now, you don’t hear “green” very often because typically if a bottom is really enjoying themselves they are just in the moment and perhaps all that’s coming out of their mouth are pleasurable moans, screams, etc. Red means the Top needs to stop whatever they are doing and check in with the bottom. It may mean there is one aspect of the scene that needs to stop or that the entire scene needs to end. Yellow has a more flexible meaning. To some it may mean don’t stop and check in – just lighten up on what you’re doing or switch to doing something else or use a different implement. It could, however, mean to others that they want a verbal check in from their Top – although they aren’t in as much distress as if they call red.

Now the reason I typically don’t recommend changing the safewords you use is for two reasons. One – if you keep changing them it will be harder to remember them in the moment you may need to use them. Two – if you are playing in a public play space then the DMs (Dungeon Monitors) will know what words to listen for in case they need to step in.
So let’s discuss the only time I suggest changing your safewords. Let me say first – if you decide to change them you NEED to let the DMs know and maybe even a few more people who may be around for your scene. If you call one and your Top doesn’t stop, you have people around who will know that and can step in if you need help.

Ok, so, in the 7ish years I have been playing I have only changed my safewords twice. Both for scenes that leaned heavily on role-play. In my case, interrogation role-play. The reason they were changed was to be able to call safewords while still staying in character and using words or techniques to maintain the scene itself.

Both scenes involved my Top trying to get information out of me. In both cases we also had several other people involved in the scene to various degrees of involvement. In one scene she was trying to extract a location. In this case we had one other person who was the only other person (besides me) that knew the “location” who was not directly involved in the physical aspects of the scene but was there the whole time. When I would “give in” and state a location, my Top would verify with the other person. If she stated that was not the location then the scene continued, however, the check in gave me a little break and also represented my “yellow”. If I gave a location and it checked out – that was my “red” and indicated that the scene was over. Basically that the interrogation “broke me”.
In the other example my Top was trying to get a “secret code” out of me. In this case I would give a password for my email. (Yes this was someone I was in a relationship with and trusted.) If I needed to “call yellow”, aka needed a break, I would give the wrong password. It gave me a few minutes while she attempted to use her phone to open my email. However, when I was ready to end the scene (aka red) I gave the correct password. Once she could open my email she knew I was calling the scene.

Yes I changed my password the next day.

I hope these examples made sense. If not, feel free to comment below with questions. The bottom line is that it’s better to stick to the universally recognized safewords. Only change them if you feel it will otherwise be a detriment to the scene and always make sure the DMs or others around you know what’s up.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Tagged With: dungeon safety, newbie, safety, safeword

Talking to Your Doctor About BDSM

March 27, 2017 By Jenn Masri Leave a Comment

medical

Kink Weekly came across this article about discussing your involvement in BDSM with your healthcare professional.

Essentially the article states that many kinksters are receiving inadequate care or not seeing their doctors when they should due to a fear of judgement when it comes to their lifestyle. Another reason the article states is that they fear that the doctor will assume their partner is abusive or that they are in a domestic violence situation.
The first step for those regularly involved in BDSM or kinky activities (sexual or not) is to try and find a doctor that is more open minded. Sometimes you can do this by getting personal referrals or looking thru doctor listings on Fetlife or the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom.

Another thing to keep in mind is safety when you play. Doing your best to play in a way that will likely avoid unnecessary injury or unintended injury or marks. This can be done by playing lighter, using implements that are less likely to leave lasting marks or trying the plastic wrap method. The plastic wrap method is where you wrap the portion of the body you intend to use impact on. The bottom can still feel the impact, but marks will be less likely or lighter. (Side note – before trying this method I highly recommend some instruction by someone with experience doing plastic wrap bondage.) Another idea is being mindful of upcoming doctor appointments and either taking a break from play, or at least heavier play, as the appointment date approaches.

Regardless of these precautions you may still find yourself with some marks or possibly even injuries when you go to see your doctor. Therefore, either way it is a good idea to have a frank conversation about your BDSM involvement or kinky activities. I suggest that you either do this during your first visit with a new doctor or during a visit when you are mark and injury free. The doctor will be less likely to assume you are using it as an excuse for the marks you happen to have or that you are “covering” for an abusive partner. You can use this conversation to find out how open your doctor is as well. If their reaction is quite negative or judgmental then that may be a reason to get a referral to another physician. However, if they seem understanding and open minded then it’s one less thing to worry about moving forward.

One last thought. The vast assumption and reason why kinksters don’t open up to their healthcare providers is the fear of judgement or shaming. As you may remember if you read my article called “The Outsider”, chances are that the people you tell will be more open minded that you think. Often times people, doctors included, will surprise you. They may not only be open minded, they may also be curious! Hell, they may be kinky as well and can act as not only your doctor, but advocate too.

The bottom line is that you’re better off discussing these things with your doctor – even if it means having to find a new one – than risk not getting the care you need and deserve.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Tagged With: health, self-care

Meta-Communication

March 20, 2017 By Jenn Masri 3 Comments

Headphones on microphone stand, professional studio

Meta-communication or metacommunication, is a secondary communication (including indirect cues) about how a piece of information is meant to be interpreted. It is based on idea that the same message accompanied by different meta-communication can mean something entirely different, including its opposite, as in irony. The term was brought to prominence by Gregory Bateson to refer to “communication about communication”, which he expanded to: “all exchanged cues and propositions about (a) codification and (b) relationship between the communicators”. Metacommunication may or may not be congruent, supportive or contradictory of that verbal communication. (definition by Wikipedia, 2017)

Most people understand that a healthy relationship is chock full of good communication. If there is a problem or issue – to be able to sit down and discuss the issue, each partner expressing their viewpoint and opinion, and finding a resolution. This is a wonderful skill to have and it certainly helps a relationship flourish and move forward.

However, an additional skill that often gets overlooked is the ability to have communication about how you each communicate. Sometimes the way we communicate can get in the way of finding solutions to problems. I often find myself in my therapy practice walking couples thru their communication styles (often how they differ) in order for them to be able to focus on the actual problem.

Here’s a very common example of what I’m talking about. A couple has a fight or a problem that comes to the surface. (Going heteronormative here – bear with me) The male partner (I will call him “Steve”) says he needs some air and walks out and drives away. The female partner (I will call her “Linda”) gets even more angry and frustrated – running after Steve and yelling things like, “Oh sure just ignore me and leave like you always do!” She continues to sit at home stewing in anger. Meanwhile Steve is frustrated by Linda following him and screaming. He just knows he needs some time and is frustrated with her that she wants to push the issue right then and there.

Sound familiar? This is a scenario that happens a lot. So now what’s happened is that there is another layer of anger and fighting just about how each partner handled the argument. Perhaps when Steve comes back home there is a whole new fight about him leaving on top of the original issue.

This is a common manifestation when two people process differently. It’s an easy thing to fix once you have a conversation (with empathy) about it. What Steve and Linda will find is that Steve is the type of person who needs time after an argument (or maybe during if it’s really heated) to be alone in order to process and think about the presenting problem. He may also need that time to calm down if he tends to get heated and less logical when emotionally flooded. Linda, on the other hand, is the kind of person who processes in the moment and prefers to deal with issues head on until they are resolved. Taking a “break” feels extremely frustrating and when Steve would just walk away (before she understood why) it felt to her like he didn’t care.

Once both partners learn that they are different in how they process conflict – the hope is that they will no longer take it so personally and will be more empathetic to their partner’s needs, even though their needs are different. So if you and your partner seem to handle things in different ways or there is misinterpretation regarding how things are handled – talk about it. Have some communication about how you communicate. While it may sound like a lot of work or overwhelming – it is something that in the long run will be extremely beneficial to your relationship.

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to news@kinkweekly.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink”!

Tagged With: communication, relationships

Maintaining Connection in a Power Exchange

March 5, 2017 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

BDSM slave

When two people are in a power exchange dynamic, sometimes staying connected requires some creativity. These days most people are very busy. So what are some ways to maintain that feeling of connection and power exchange when vanilla life and schedules get in the way? Many of the ideas I lay out in this article can be used in different situations.

Let’s start with an example where both partners live with one another. Perhaps they are married, perhaps not. Maybe they have children. One or both of them work. If they share a home there are, for one, plenty of tasks that can be considered service. Household chores, meal preparation, keeping the kid’s schedules together, etc. Yet how can we step it up to another level of power exchange? Let’s assume for this example the s-type is home more and perhaps works part time while the D-type works a standard “9-5” job. Rather than the s-type simply folding and putting away the laundry, they fold the D-types clothes a certain way that the D-type prefers. Or perhaps they prepare something for when the D-type gets home – their favorite drink waiting next to their chair, a bath drawn, or a special “outfit” under their clothes in case the D-type feels frisky before dinner! (Maybe all three – who needs to eat? lol) If there are children at home then, of course, that needs to be considered.

Let’s then look at partners that don’t live together – with or without others. (Remember that whole poly thing?) Maybe both have demanding jobs with little time to do tasks. Here are some ideas. The night before, the D-type tells the s-type what style and/or color underwear to have on the next day. This may sound silly or trivial, however, every time that s-type uses the restroom – guess who they are going to think of? That’s right – their D-type. And the D-type knows that as well. Perhaps an addition to that is that the s-type sends a quick picture from their private stall – pic of the undergarment, a flash of skin or a sweet smile. Even if this only happens once or twice a day – that’s once or twice that both people feel connected to the other and the power exchange is reinforced.

Another idea – the D-type knows that the following day their s-type will be running errands. Their task is to wear a plug and “squeeze” at every red light. Or maybe at certain times throughout the day they must snap a pic of whatever they’re doing – with the purpose of going thru the pics the next time they are with their D-type and sharing what their day or week was like.

Remember – just because one or both of you are busy day to day, that doesn’t mean you can’t find small ways to stay connected and maintain your power exchange. You may need to get creative – and that part can be half the fun! Just don’t think you are less of an s-type simply because you aren’t available for your D-type 24/7. You are still there in your heart and as long as you make the effort, your D-type knows that.

There are a million more ideas – I have laid out some to get you started. I’d love to hear other ideas that you have used in your relationships!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Tagged With: bdsm relationship, dynamic, power exchange, relationship help

D-type and s-type Fluid

February 27, 2017 By Jenn Masri 5 Comments

So you may or may not have heard the term “gender fluid”. This refers to a person who may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders (male and female), but may feel more male some days, and more female other days.

This concept came up in one of my classes in a different way. We were discussing one student who knew she identified as an s-type, however, wasn’t really sure which “subcategory” she fit into. Slave, submissive, babygirl, pet, little, bottom, property, etc. I could relate to what she meant. I identify (personally) as an s-type – normally I will say submissive, yet I am sometimes more in the headspace of a babygirl or perhaps a pet. There are plenty of times I identify as a bottom – especially when I am doing a demo or acting as a practice bottom. I also fall under the category of “service Top” when teaching or doing an educational scene, however, I don’t consider myself a Dominant at all. For me the slave identifier has not been something I have identified with yet. I have several close friends that have told me they think I am “slave wired”, yet I continue to put up some resistance there. (Perhaps an issue for me to work through or perhaps just a matter of partnership) In any case, I can’t rule out many of the s-type subcategories because I may feel a combo of them or feel like I identify more like one or another from one day to the next or one moment to the next.
So during this class I named this “s-type fluid” or “s-fluid”.

I realized that this same concept probably applies to D-types as well. Maybe someone knows that they identify as Dominant, however, they occasionally act as a Top or are in the headspace of a “Daddy Dom” or “Mommy Dom” based on their partner or mood. I would imagine that identifying as a Master is something a Dominant would either feel like all the time or perhaps grow into with a partner. In any case, I think you can be “D-type Fluid” or “D-fluid” just like an s-type.

This concept doesn’t mean you are confused in any way – just like someone who identifies as gender fluid isn’t confused. It may just mean that you can flow from one subcategory to another based on headspace, partner, mood, or any other reason. By the way, this is different from identifying as a switch. A switch may be fluid in terms of being able to bottom or Top (or go between Dom and sub), however, s-type fluid and D-type fluid has nothing to do with switching. It means you identify as either a D-type or an s-type all the time, but that the subcategories of these identifiers can change.

So maybe if you, like me, know which side of the slash you are on, however, feel differently at different times – or if you are still exploring and seeing which subcategory “fits” you best – perhaps this idea of fluidity as applied to D/s identity is the best descriptor for you!
(Perhaps Fetlife needs to add this to their list of identifier options!) ☺

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Tagged With: bdsm, dynamic, roles, titles

Kink Converter

February 13, 2017 By Jenn Masri 6 Comments

housewife-2

I hear this “debate” discussed all over the place. From private party conversations to munches to support groups. If you’re single (or poly) and dating – do you even bother opening yourself up to the vanilla population? Or stick only to your own kind in the kink world?

The first question you should ask yourself is how important is kink in your life? For some, kink is something that’s fun every so often to spice things up. There is nothing wrong with this, however, you may find that if you meet a great person who has no interest in kink – it may be no big deal. In this case it may work well to open yourself up to any possibility – kinky or vanilla. For others, at the other end of the spectrum, kink and D/s may be how they live their everyday life. If power exchange relationships are the only kind you want or if play feels more like a need than a want – then it may not be wise to dip your toes into the vanilla dating pool. Of course there is a whole lot of “in between” as well and the same advice goes to all – weigh how important kink and D/s is for you and that may give you a hint at answering this question.

Here’s the fun scenario though – let’s say you are closer to the latter and really can’t imagine going vanilla again. You decide you will not seek out vanilla partners. Great – problem solved! Maybe. Maybe not. It’s possible that you may still end up meeting someone in the vanilla world whether or not you were looking. So what then? Should you immediately run for the hills? That is one option. Another is to get to know them a little better and vice versa. Open up about your lifestyle, interests, relationship profile, etc. This can go one of two ways (basically) – they end up running for the hills or perhaps they are interested to learn more. Keep in mind – just because someone isn’t in the “scene” doesn’t mean they aren’t kinky! They just may need an introduction to this wide world of BDSM.
This is the point where you have to decide to recruit or not recruit. For some they don’t want to deal with “training” a newbie. Ok fine – you’re not obligated. However, this is also an opportunity to expose BDSM to someone who may really take to it quite well. In my opinion, if they have the interest and possess other qualities that you enjoy, it’s worth a shot!

This is the part where I will add a more specific D/s related point. If you are a D-type and the recruit is an s-type – it’s pretty easy to see where teaching and training is an easy fit. However, if you are the s-type and the new recruit is a D-type – I highly recommend putting them in touch with other D-types to learn from and talk to. If you are the one filling the “teacher role” (even if you have the answers) it’s possible to mess with the D/s dynamic that you may be trying to nurture and develop.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Tagged With: dating vanilla, new relationship, vanilla

Little vs. Babygirl

February 6, 2017 By Jenn Masri 2 Comments

Renatta-2 copy

So before you read this article you may want to read through my last article on my definition of littles. I emphasize “my definition” because this is a very personal topic and different people will identify or define it differently. For the purposes of this article I will reiterate that I view littles as more of a regression – when in their “little” headspace. Please feel free to check out the full article here.

My disclaimer for this article today is that I am comparing littles to “babygirls”. Yes, I am being specific, however, if you substitute babyboy for babygirl much of this information will be the same. Are there differences? Absolutely. I choose to compare with babygirls because it is the identifier that I can relate to the most.

Ok – enough with the disclaimers.

So in comparing the two I see the biggest difference as a regression vs. somewhat of a role-play. Now, before you get your pigtails in a twist and scream, “my babygirl side is NOT role-play – it’s a real part of who I am!” – know that I completely understand that. There is a spectrum here – much like everything else. For some it actually is simply role-play used for specific scenes, however, I think for most self-identified babygirls this is not the case. Some may always identify as a babygirl as opposed to it being a “headspace” that they go into because they have certain childlike personality traits. Or they may identify with babygirl because of a more nurturing dynamic with their partner. For others it may come out under specific circumstances, like in the bedroom. It may be a headspace they go into for molestation or incest play because it’s what turns them on. The point here is that the babygirl identity can take many different forms and manifest differently for everyone. However, in my view the thing that these various manifestations have in common is that it is not a regression like a little. They are still an adult mentally and kink play or sexual activities are typically not seen as a bad thing. Many times, in fact, these are the things that will bring out their babygirl side or enhance it.

A babygirl may not feel like they go to a specific age in this headspace, however, it is possible. Or they could associate this headspace with a specific age or age range. This doesn’t mean they are physically, emotionally, and psychologically that age like the way I view littles are.

I hope this article makes sense. It’s a very hard thing to explain on paper. Like I said in my other article – if someone identifies as a little or babygirl they may define it completely differently than I have. Someone spoke up at my last 101 class that for her – her little space is simply about allowing herself to be vulnerable and letting the weight of the adult world wash away for a bit. For this reason she won’t “go there” unless she is with her partner or people she really trusts.

Again, I encourage you to explore your “little” or “babygirl” side if you are so inclined, or talk to those that do and find out what it means and looks like for them.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Playing with Littles

January 23, 2017 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

Air ball at beach with turquoise sea and blue sky

First, before you play with one, you may be curious as to what a “little” is. I am going to give you the more widely accepted definition/explanation for what a little is. Although there are some that may define things differently. Some will define being a little as being completely separate from age-play, for example. I will do my best to explain it how I have come to understand it via friends that identify as such, as well as participate in groups dedicated to age play.

Age play is a term used to cover those that participate in a certain fetish for behaving and/or regressing in a way that is more typical of ages younger than they are chronologically.

>>Age play does NOT imply anything related to ACTUAL incest or pedophilia.<<

Under the umbrella of age play there are several identifiers. Adult baby, little, and middle. Adult baby typically refers to someone who identifies with age 0-2 approximately. Some may identify within a few years older but not beyond diaper wearing years. A little usually identifies between AB and 9 or 10 approximately. The term “little” can also be used as an umbrella term for all three of these categories. Much like “D/s” is a specific power exchange dynamic but is also used as a global reference to any power exchange. The third identifier is middle which usually refers to someone that associates their “little space” to an age that is still a child but a bit older – pre-teen thru adolescence.

So to make it a bit easier I will be using the term “little” for the remainder of this article as the more global, or umbrella, term. It will refer to those that identify as an AB, little or middle. The defining difference for a little (as opposed to a babygirl, babyboy, or any roleplay including a minor like molestation/incest play) is regression. Regression is when your mind has to go back to a different age, it physically reverts to a younger age, when this happens the little does not think like a grown up, only the age they revert to.

If you go to a “littles party”, for example – at least here in LA – you will probably see the main play space filled with blankets, stuffed animals, chutes & ladders type board games, etc. Participants might be dressed in diapers, onesies, and/or footed pajamas. There will probably be a lot of coloring books, crayons, markers, playdoh, and other craft items. IF the party allows kinky play you will most likely find separate rooms available for that – away from the main area.

This is the part you need to pay attention to if you are negotiating play with someone that identifies as a little. First, find out what their definition of little is for them. It may be that their definition for little is closer to my definition of babygirl/boy (look for an article soon where I compare them) or that they identify as a little simply because they have a few childlike traits in their personality. In these cases you may not have much issue in terms of integrating their “little side” with kink. However, if they define “little” closer to how I (and many others) define it, then that may be a different story. If someone does more of a regression to the age of a child then it is possible that kinky play and/or sexual acts can be abusive. It can trigger trauma for them or become a more traumatic scenario. This is why it’s important to have a very honest conversation about what being in “little space” means for them, what they enjoy doing during that time, and what is off limits. Also, discuss whether the scene will be completely in “little space”, “adult space”, or if it might be a combination. A combination may be a bit trickier and require very specific planning. For many, kink can be integrated into little space if it makes sense – such as disciplining the “child” with a spanking.

Overall, the topic of littles and age-play can get very complicated. I hope I’ve at least cleared up a few questions if you had any. The main take away here is to make sure the negotiation for a scene is very honest and clear – on both sides. Don’t shy away from playing with littles – it can be a very fun and unique experience!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Tagged With: age play, little, littles

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