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24/7 D/s Relationships are Like a Layer Cake

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male dom having a conversation with his female submissive
via stock.adobe.com

24/7 D/s relationships are a lot of work. The title alone should be the give away, and I don’t mean the 24/7 or D/s part, those only come after the really tricky bit, the relationship. For some of us our sense of self is so tied up in the dynamics of relationship that we can forget which follows which.

Our dynamics are layered upon those parts of us that make up functioning human beings. We are a top, a bottom, a switch after we are a person. Those needs which are fulfilled by those dynamics are valuable. Often they can be very comforting, allowing us to choose the manner in which we engage with the people around us with clearly set terms of engagement. Within our relationships it can provide clearly defined expectations and responsibilities. However, we need the stable foundation of a relationship upon which to build.

We will all have times when we will struggle. Perhaps the urge to serve it strained, or the desire to tell someone what to do waines? For some reason that which came easily and we thought was core to our relationship, to our very sense of self, becomes difficult. It can be a source of panic as we try to diagnose the problem. Do I need to be more dominant, double down on the rules, forgive no trespass? We become so obsessed with the symptoms that we fail to diagnose the root cause of the issue. 

The D/s aspect of a relationship is often the most emotionally vulnerable part of a relationship as it rests on the very top. Seen each and every day in the way we act, the way we talk, so any break in that pattern is very obvious. Often the D/s parts of us are the most extreme representations of us, the most vulnerable, the most self indulgent, the most us that we can only truly manifest when we feel safe. It can be the canary in the coal mine of troubles we aren’t even aware of. 

Dig Deep

If we are finding it hard to connect in a kinky way I believe it is worth working up through the layers of the relationship, rather than backwards from the fault. If we no longer feel safe enough in the relationship to be uniquely vulnerable in the way that D/s allows us to then we need to understand what has changed. 

There is a risk that if we spend all our time struggling to work out why we aren’t enjoying the rules and making up new rules, or altering existing ones, then we are not exploring why the rules have stopped being fun. Layering more plaster over a crack in a wall won’t solve the problem. We need to work out why the crack is there in the first place. Stop the root problem, then repair and plaster over the crack.

If there is a problem on the top level of the relationship, the D/s aspect, then we should explore the foundations of the relationship. By starting with the fundamentals we can test each of those things that are essential to a healthy relationship.

The underpinnings of a relationship are not D/s, they are care, affection, love and much much more. You kink compatibility may be what brought you together, but it will not be what keeps you together. 

What may have brought you together is not necessarily the same thing that keeps you together. I have been fortunate enough to have had some wonderful scenes with people. Our kinks were compatible, we enjoyed our time together, but a relationship was never a prospect. Kink compatibility does not naturally lead to relationship compatibility. So why would we focus on the kink aspect first rather than that which makes up the underpinnings of the relationship if there is a problem?

If there are uncomfortable things that we need to confront about our relationship we can be prone to distraction. It is easy to mistake activity for progress. 

Foundation Stone

Recently the D/s aspect of my relationship had to take a backseat in order to focus on my partners needs. She did not need a dom at that time, she needed a partner. Everything but the most basic levels of D/s had to be put on hold. She still wore her collar, had to ask permission for the same things as always, but apart from those few things our focus shifted almost exclusively to taking care of her. 

My role as Top in our relationship had to shift, changing from an owner, an enforced of rules, to far more of a carer. Our relationship became almost vanilla! Gasp, shock, horror!

Fortunately she felt better after a few weeks of care and we were able to start bringing our rules back to the forefront of our relationships. Shifting back to the D/s heavy nature of our relationship. However, there was a problem. I was really struggling. I found it hard to just turn the switch back on. Everything told me I enjoyed our kink dynamic, I wanted to get back to it in full, so did she. Everything we were thinking about our shared kink told us we should be right back where we were a few weeks ago.

Our mistake was in only looking at the issue from the kink layer of the relationship. We were so fixated on getting that back to normal that we didn’t even consider that there could be an issue on another level that we were totally missing. 

For a few days we struggled. We were doing all the kinky things, and just not feeling it. It felt just like we were going through the motions. A horrible thing to feel in a D/s dynamic where our joint commitment is so integral to the relationship working. 

After a few days of it just not working we had a long conversation. Forcing ourselves to verbalise what we were feeling, what was frustrating us and what wasn’t working. We didn’t have to come up with a solution, we were just diagnosing the problem. Neither of us pretended something was working that wasn’t, neither of us attributed blame (after all we both wanted the same thing). What we did was work up from the fundamentals of our relationship, asking the hard questions as we went. Did we still love each other, did we still enjoy being with each other, did we still excite each other…

It is important to ask these hard questions, because it is the answers that will help us. Fortunately after the talk we were able to understand why we weren’t clicking, it was as simple as the fact that I needed to feel confident that she really was okay. I needed to feel safe enough to be myself in full with her again, and to recognise that needed to give myself a couple of days to recover from being so focused on caring for her. 

The spice of life

Kink is a beautiful, thrilling, erotic addition to a relationship. In my case it is so pervasive that it could easily be mistaken as the relationship in its entirety. If I am not careful I can make that mistake myself.

While kink might bring many of us together, and even form the language of intimacy that we use to grow emotionally close, it needs to be built upon a healthy relationship. We cannot mistake activity for achievement or conversation for construction. We need to ask the hard questions, to put each other first and build our relationships on a foundation of love. 

About the Author
Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.

The Male Chastity Conundrum

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male chastity cock cage
Male chastity cock cage

 I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

There’s this thing about male chastity cages: By their nature, they work when you DON’T do anything. The whole idea of chastity cages is that you put them on your subject and, until you decide to take them off, they do not get to have sexual pleasure. It seems simple: You just have to lock it on. However, it turns out, in practice, there’s a quite a bit more to it than that. 

The issue is, when he’s in that cage, his attention is on that cage at all times. Obviously, you expect him to have feelings of enduring something, suffering for you (in theory at least), and of sacrificing a very basic freedom. However, the device impacts him in many other ways besides limiting orgasms and erections. The device has weight and compression on his penis. It forces him to sit to urinate, changes the look of his clothing, often chafes a little, changes his gait, makes it different for him to clean, makes him self-conscious and aware of what’s visible to the outside world, makes it difficult for him to sit comfortably for long periods of time, and changes his sleeping habits. In short, he is physically aware of it – all day and all night. 

For the dominant, you close the lock and start the rest of your day. Nothing is making you aware that he’s suffering. Nothing is changing your daily routine. You have no constant reminders. For you, nothing changes – except for the few times in the week when sex is on the table (or in the bed!). 

And that’s part of the allure of the chastity fantasy: The slave suffers while the keyholder blithely goes about their day. All the freedom belongs to the keyholder; all the suffering/frustration to the locked. However, that’s just the fantasy. The reality is usually quite different. 

In reality, subs want to know that they’re not alone in their dynamic. They need to feel the dominant’s intent; to feel that what is being done to them, is being done TO them – and that the dominant is the one DOING it. They don’t just want to be limited; they want to know that the dominant is deliberately limiting them. 

The problem is, the sub constantly feels the “burden” of the device and is actively thinking about it at all times, but the dominant isn’t. This creates a disconnect – the threat to the sub is very real; that their submission is all in their head – and that the dominant is unaware of the extent of what the sub is going through. The sub wants the dominant to recognize the power the device has and to OPENLY LEVERAGE the helplessness that the sub feels. They want this – all the time, because they are reminded of it – all the time, and they’re thinking about it – ALL THE TIME. Since the dominant isn’t physically reminded, and isn’t being interrupted all day long, they may seem unaware of the extent of the sub’s predicament. 

Many men respond to this by “sharing” how they feel, especially when not asked. They feel the need to emphasize and highlight their frustration – both verbally and physically. They overtly show the desperation that they’re feeling – and sometimes act in “over-the-top slavish fashion”, in an attempt to demonstrate the “benefits” to the dominant of keeping them in chastity. They attempt to encourage the dominant to show recognition of their plight by acting on that advantage, and to do things like tease the sub to “make the frustration worse”. They need the dominant to demonstrate how much they enjoy his suffering and captivity.

Sometimes (and unfortunately, often), they will even act up in an attempt to have the dominant react by punishing them, usually hoping that the dominant will use the device to increase their frustration (e.g., a punishment of another week in chastity!) Worse, if the dominant doesn’t react, subs often gets angry or melancholy, and in particularly bad situations, openly challenge the dominant’s abilities. 

The end result of all of this demand, is pressure on the dominant: Pressure to play the game; to give the sub what he perceives he should be receiving; to try to think about what the submissive is feeling as often as he is thinking about it. As I explained above, there is no natural driver for the keyholder to be as aware of the device as the wearer, so trying to be equally focused is simply not a realistic expectation. Trying to keep the sub’s condition in the front of your mind is a tall-order for someone who is supposedly the object of the submission and a lot of burden for the partner who is supposedly being served. Worse, when that pressure builds up on a dominant, no matter how confident they are, it’s too easy to interpret it as a lapse of their own abilities. All of which serves to undermine the integrity of the dynamic. 

I find that it helps to be aware of the disconnect and the way it presents. I find that knowing about the dichotomy of focus that chastity brings to the partnership, helps dominants to readily recognize the pressure their submissive is putting on them – so that they can deal with it in a more confident manner. 

Once you’ve recognized the pressure for what it is, you can decide how you want to react to it. When it happens to me (and it does for things, not only chastity related), the first thing I do is a little introspection to try to determine if the sub is just being needy, or if I actually have been a little distracted. 

If he’s being needy or just over-focused on the device, I generally tell him so, and tell him to get it under control. There is no “…or else” clause in this statement, because punishing him in response to neediness will reward manipulative behavior. Rather, I just insist on his adjustment. If he fails to do so, I’ll likely take him out of the device indefinitely. I’m not going to play the game if he’s not going to provide the self-discipline I demand. He will usually respond well, as he also understands the disconnect and knows by the other things I do (see CERAF in my books), that I am active and committed to our dynamic. 

On the other hand, if I feel that I may have been depriving him a bit of recognition, or have been neglecting him a bit, then perhaps a few “simple gifts” (read “Uniquely Rika” and “Uniquely Us” for a deeper discussion of simple gifts!) are in order, just to let him know I’m actively involved in the dynamic – and that I have put him in chastity for my own reasons. 

While controlling a sub’s orgasm is a common desire of dominants, the use of a device to do so is more often the sub’s desire. For many of the reasons above, using physical devices to force a sub to be chaste – is a fantasy more enjoyed by the wearer – and may be more of a burden for the keyholder. In many dynamics, including mine, putting a submissive into a chastity device is either a treat of sorts, or a shared symbolic gesture. It doesn’t define submission – or create it – but rather, is one of many ways to formalize a concept. I make my opinion well known to my subs: When the symbol becomes more important to the sub than the submission, it’s time to do away with the symbol! I’m willing to be aware of the disconnect, but I’m not willing to give up MY freedom for it. 

male chastity cock cage
male chastity cock cage

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

How To Grow A Bonsai Human

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bonsai woman submissive in glass cage
via stock.adobe.com

One of the hottest things about being a top in a D/s dynamic is the moulding, shaping and training of another person in line with your will. Some young tops might come to a D/s relationship with an idea already in place of a perfect sub, a delicate pet who will never answer back, a slut who shall live to satisfy, or perhaps a submissive maid to follow all orders without hesitation. The young top has created an idea of what they think they want. This idea is more often informed by a diet of fantasy than the reality of each person being a fully formed individual with needs and wants of their own.

We need to approach prospective partners with an open mind. We need to see them for who they are as well as who they could be, not what we want to pretend they are or could be.

You have to be honest with yourself about what you need in a submissive partner. That self exploration of need has to take place before you start expecting anyone to live up to what you have imagined. We must know the difference between what we need from a partner, what we want in a relationship and what is pure fantasy. Need is that which we must have to be satisfied in a relationship, want is that which makes a relationship fun and fantasy are those things that we can indulge in at times.

The art and philosophy of Bonsai

In a D/s relationship we don’t have to find a 100% perfect fit (in fact I don’t think you could find that in any relationship), because we have the option of training a person. However, there is only so far out of someone’s normal course that you can take a person without risking breaking them. Think of it like shaping a branch on a bonsai tree, the bend must happen slowly along its length, wired into place and then allowed to grow into the shape. Trying to twist a branch 120 degrees at the trunk will only damage the branch, and maybe even cause it to snap. Patience is a must! Find a person who is at least parallel enough to your desires that you can tend them, grow them into your shape and know that it is a shape they will enjoy. If someone’s desire is to be in a DLG relationship, but you want someone who will be kept like a pet then you have a sharp divergence at the very beginning of the relationship. Perhaps over time the two of you will be able to grow together, but it is going to take a lot of time, communication and trust.

Once a D/s relationship has begun to grow we have to tend it, to help it take the shape we have planned for it. The thing to always remember is that the two of you are on the same team. The top might be setting the destination and driving the car, but you are both on the journey and want to get to the destination together.

Trust is about more than just your submissive partner trusting you to have their best interests at heart. It is the trust that you will keep your word, that they will receive the reward or punishment you say. That you won’t forget their limit, or fantasy. Sometimes it is the trust that the top is doing something because they genuinely enjoy it. There is no need to ask me if it was good for me, I wouldn’t be doing it if it wasn’t.

Pen to paper

There is a great deal of information to remember, and a great deal of value in the small things, especially at the beginning of a relationship. One of my top tips is to keep notes. I still do to this day, I call it my dossier. Often it will start with a yes/no/maybe list, followed by a record of any comments or experiences I believe might be of value. No one has a perfect memory so write things down, review them later. Do not be afraid of asking direct questions, ask them about their fantasies. Things they have always wanted to do but have never done. What you are looking for here is commonality of interest. Do they look for the release of not being responsible, do they have guilt over their desires and want to be forced to do something they will enjoy? All of this information will build up into an invaluable record for you.

My partner knows that I keep a written record, she finds it both comforting and concerning. Comforting because it is such a clear indication of the care I take and the seriousness with which I treat the growth of our relationship. Concerning because she knows I won’t ever forget anything, good or bad.

Don’t say it, do it!

If you say you will do something, as a reward, or consequence, they must believe it and you must mean it. If you fail to follow through then you are simply proving that you are a fantasist. Your threats cannot be believed, your promises are undelivered, everything you say is called into doubt.

In the early stages it is extremely important that you prove that you mean what you say. Make sure to carry through on threats as much as you will fulfil fantasies that they never thought they would have fulfilled. If you threaten to pull over and make them walk home then be prepared to do it.

The difference between punishment and play must be clear at all times. Punishments are very straight forward 100 blows for any infraction that I judge worthy of a punishment. She must also recognise and accept the punishment and the reason for it.

If you are playing then make sure they know it is because you are enjoying it. I will often remind my partner that I am hitting her because I enjoy it, she isn’t bad and she doesn’t deserve it. I can own my sadism, I don’t need to pretend it is my partner’s responsibility.

If you are declaring that you can provide the solid foundation for someone else to build upon then you must be that solid foundation, in all ways. We must know ourselves and be entirely true in our will. Any doubts in our mind, or theirs, will echo over and over.

We have ways of making you talk

Communication, communication and more communication. The Top must create the safe space for communication, but in return the bottom must be communicative. We are willing to take on all the responsibility for their care and development but we need as accurate information as possible from them in return. In a D/s dynamic we are both vulnerable in deeply personal ways. We ask our partners to trust us, and we must trust them in return.

We need them to tell us they like something, to be brave enough to admit a desire or dislike. All we need is that pure data once, and after that we can be the brute who forces them, the pervert who makes them bow to our desires. That is why we must trust them, to tell us the truth so we can take the power from them safely.

Her obligation is to me, and only in exceptional circumstances to others. I do not wish to degrade that which attracted me to her in the first place. I would never want to break someone. Build them, grow them, shape them, yes, but break them, degrade them, hurt them, no.

I find it deeply erotic to have control over another person but that means I want someone who gives up that control to me, reveals their darkest fantasies, shares their vulnerabilities. I want her wild and full of confidence, but with the click of my fingers I want her to obey. I want an obedient pet, not a broken victim.

Kink In The Time Of Covid

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submissive woman tied in shibari looking pensive and lonely
via stock.adobe.com

I would be hard pressed to find something less sexy than a global pandemic. Between heightened emotions, tremendous fear, heartbreaking tragedy and social isolation, we have been thrown into a world that is not only unfamiliar, but unwelcoming. The very ground that we walk on has collapsed and we are experiencing a version of life that no one could have prepared for. Whether we are single or partnered, this shift has resulted in significant changes to our erotic and sexual lives. Relationships that were once solid are now rocky, sex lives that were once full and exciting are now dull and for many, expression and practice of kink is now stifled. 

With dungeons closed, play parties halted and general human to human contact at a minimum, it is increasingly harder for kinky folks to feel connected in a meaningful and fulfilling way. Shifts in the hierarchical structures and foundations of many D/s relationships are leading to an increase in relationship tension and overall emotional and sexual dissatisfaction. What I have witnessed in the last few months both personally and professionally is a shift in all interpersonal relationships but none more powerful than those where kink plays a major role. 

While much of what people are feeling can be traced back to the financial, physical, and emotional strain that the lock downs have had on our well being, there is a piece that remains virtually hidden from the typical discourse about life in the time of Covid. The “how are yous” and “how are you holding ups” are usually meant to gauge how an individual is coping and the typical, perhaps unconscious, intent of those questions is to open the door to complain about the stressful state of our current lives. What is missing from so many conversations are the questions about how their relationships are being impacted, particularly those that exist in a hierarchical structure. 

When we sit and reflect on what makes so many D/s relationships successful, it is that they are often rooted in a firm, negotiated and agreed upon arrangement of how each individual will play, work, and exist within the structure. In times of crisis, these arrangements get shaken up, with roles sometimes needing to shift to accommodate for the change in circumstances. Typically a crisis is short lived, sometimes even anticipated. Often, when a crisis hits, there is an idea of when things will return to “normal” and most importantly, when a crisis hits, we are often surrounded by a social circle, whether that be family, friends, work colleagues or a community, where members lives are relatively unaffected by our crisis allowing for us to lean on outside support to process and move forward. Experiencing collective trauma does come with a beautiful side effect of deep understanding of others and an ability to empathize on a level far greater than what is typical for people.  However, collective pain also means that we cannot receive the level of support that we may need due to the empty emotional tanks that are existing within the folks in our social circle. 

During the lockdown, shifts have occurred both within D/s relationships where partners are cohabiting as well as in relationships where partners live apart.  The common shifts that I have seen recently are shifts in work life, increased job stress, financial insecurity, changes in childcare roles, lack of privacy and for many, the overall inability to see partners due to the restrictions on social gatherings. With all of these changes occurring in and out of the home, it is unsurprising that relationships are beginning to suffer. For some, the impact has been minimal but for others, this has resulted in more tension and conflict in the relationship than ever before. 

So, as we navigate this unknown world with these new relationship challenges for kinky folks, how can we protect and nurture the valuable D/s structures in which our relationships are held up by? I believe that it starts by really understanding what has shifted and the consequences of that shift. Formulating a plan to work on the relationship challenges can only exist if we are able to get to the root of the problem. If a couple is continuously fighting about a certain topic, is it really that topic that is the problem? We need to seek the bigger picture to understand what is happening and therefore how we can start to change it. 

This is the time for high levels of curiosity. Approaching the relationship with curiosity allows for less tension and blame when the sources of the problems begin to arise. In addition, it is a time for creativity to be implemented into relationships in order to keep the flame burning but more importantly, it is a time to reflect on what has been holding the relationship up. What has kept your relationship strong? Is it the clear cut hierarchy that allows for stability? It is the amount of time spent with your partner that gives you security? When we dig deeper we can find that it is typically the loss of the foundation that is the catalyst for the problems that follow and when we find the source we can usually find our way back. 

Once we begin to understand the source of the struggle, it is time to move into the repair and healing phase. Honest, raw, and vulnerable conversations are the key to relationship shifts and fortunately, kinksters are exceptionally good at expressing their needs. Negotiation is fueled by authenticity and I would venture to say that taking those negotiation skills and applying them outside of the D/s dynamic would allow for an environment to be created that could make play even more fun, exciting, and ultimately intimate. When we are so consumed by the turmoil around us, it is easy to lose space, both emotionally and physically, for the relationship. 

In challenging times like these, we need to approach our relationships a bit differently. For dyads who do a bi-weekly or monthly check in, perhaps they need to do it once a week. For folks who are away from their partners, implementing new rituals can be a great way to stay connected. Let’s not forget that even in times that are tough, we can use play to minimize anxiety and cultivate closeness. The scenes may be different and they may occur in a different space but the intent remains the same. While the world may be temporarily closed, the room for exploration and growth remains open. Step into that space and reignite the flame because after this terrible time is over, the flame may be burning brighter than it ever was before. 

About the Author

Elyssa Rice is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in the Kink and Alternative Lifestyle community. She is a writer, lecturer and advocate for sexual empowerment and sexual freedom. She has a private practice in Los Angeles, CA and is dedicated to shifting the narrative about both the mental health and Kink community.

Are You Suffering From “Pandem-dick”?

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As anyone knows, this current pandemic has combined some of the worst elements of humanity for us. We have fears about an invisible, hard to detect contagion on top of forced social and physical isolation by our governments. Even on the surface it’s easy to see why this is a stressful time for even the most optimistic of us.

Many of us turn to others, especially in our community, to lessen anxiety by spending time with our partner(s), visiting the clubs, attending kink events, relaxing at our favorite munches, oh and of course, lots of sexy time. That list is nearly extinct now, with the exception of sex – if you’re lucky enough to be in the same home as your sexual partner(s). For me, the pandemic has killed my libido.

Pandemic, the ‘Almighty Inducer of Stress’

When I’m stressed, I lose nearly all interest in sex and sexy time things. I’ve heard from several friends who are having varying experiences. Some of my friends are having an increase in sexual desire while some are feeling similarly to me. I can easily understand how some are feeling an increase with the new shift in their usual routines, more mental freedom without the humdrum of commuting and office work, increased restful sleep, and possibly being able to hang out at home with family has made them feel more secure than ever. Perhaps sex and orgasm are a type of physical and mental release for them that the pandemic has helped them tap into their sexual energy. I’m happy for them, I really am, but I still have my problem.

Sexual energy requires just the right amount of tension to take off properly, but not too much to dampen it. If you are like me, you may have found that you are very worried about the virus and the lasting effects it will have. Maybe being cooped up at home with your partner(s) has presented a new, unfamiliar type of stress. Or you’ve been carefully watching your finances and may be finding yourself in fight/flight/freeze more often than you’d like. Worst still it could be your own self care has been put on hold; a lot of us have had to forgo our simple pleasures to follow quarantine orders.

Haircuts, manicures, massages, new restaurants, dating, traveling, a night at the dungeon, spankings, sloshes, general relaxation…they’ve all disappeared.

Both sexual energy responses are okay. They are two sides of the same spectrum. You could find yourself bouncing between the two ends from day to day. There is no one right way to cope with what is happening. Sex can be complicated and multifaceted.

Here are some great ways to stay self aware and mindful of your waning or non-existent sexual energy:

  • Touch when possible. Touch is very powerful and can help calm our nervous system greatly. Communicate how you’d like to be touched with your partner(s) when possible and adapt as much as you can or try self soothing techniques.
  • Journal to clear your mind. If you find yourself caught in worst case scenario thought loops, or worrying more than normal, write this down. Journaling is a good way to verbalize how you’re feeling in a condensed fashion and the very act of seeing it on paper can have a positive effect. This could be the way you get these ideas out of your head and somewhere safe, where they won’t endlessly follow you.
  • No news is good news. Stop watching the news. Even if it’s only for a few hours you can see the benefits. Watching an ever updating and changing news cycle about the global state of things will not make you feel less anxious. I’ve started to make it Fridays that I don’t check the news at all and I’ve already seen improvements.
  • Self pleasure is soothing. Masturbation is a common sexual activity for us all. Depending on your level of comfort, touching yourself could help regulate your internal system. Studies have suggested that masturbation can help you relax, reduce stress, improve sleep, boost your mood and more. It could be a way to keep your sexual pleasure balanced so that when this is all over, you have an even better idea on what you’re seeking physically.
  • Use technology to your benefit. We’re being asked to stay six feet apart from all individuals we are not cohabitating with. This could mean you are either on your own alone, or only able to see one partner. If you find yourself in this situation, look to technology to create a physical connection. Send sexy pictures to build up tension, sext if you’re into that, or try phone/cam play time or check out some apps if possible. It won’t be the same as being together but it can certainly help bridge the gap.

Careful on bringing sexy back

Beyond that if you are being sexually active during this time, take extra precaution. Stock up on contraceptives and have a plan for emergency contraception if needed. Test yourself at home for STIs where possible. And no matter what happens, don’t panic. Desperate times can call for desperate measures but don’t try any at-home DIY, internet backed remedies! Contact your local clinics, hospitals, and standard healthcare services for the safest and smartest treatments.

We are in uncharted territory. Sex may be a comforting constant or completely uninteresting, but know they are both normal reactions in an otherwise abnormal time.

If you have an available sexual partner who is also feeling their sexual needs energy and open to sexual encounters during this time, I hope you are having a wonderfully hot time together. But it is also OK to tell your partner “Not tonight, dear. I’m feeling too anxious about everything.”

Just make sure you communicate to your partner that you are wanting physical touch and not an erotic/sexual encounter.

Your libido may be the first thing to go when you’re dealing with a pandemic, but it will likely also be one of the first things to return post-pandemic. Hang in there. We will get through this.

About the Author

d20domme is unapologetically kinky after over 10 years in the community. She is known as pint-height, poly(androus), plus-size, POC, 24/7 Femdom who knows what she wants and will use her craft in mindfuckery and persuasive viper tongue to get it. Her main kink is normalizing kinky lifestyles across the board and thus she can often be found writing on her blog From Mundane To Mistress, chatting away on podcasts, teaching classes, demos, or presenting locally in the Washington, DC area, New York, and sometimes across the pond in Europe.

Bonding In Leather

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Bootblacking is an act I have developed a love affair with.  Though it started simply as a service to take care of a Leatherman, it has grown to be something I find both relaxing and quite hypnotizing.  It has a way of letting the time slip by unchecked.  So, I wanted to learn more about the history of bootblacking.

You see, I am what Master calls a “Curious sort.”  I ask the most random of questions, seemingly out of nowhere, and am constantly researching. When I started caring for Master’s boots, I researched the best oils, polishes, and cleaning techniques.  However, I didn’t take the time to learn the backstory.

This interest bloomed for two reasons.  The first was that Master is a Leatherman and I felt it was my duty to make sure his leathers were properly cared for.  It reflected on both Him and my service to Him.

The second was slightly less than savory.  My core attended a kink conference early last year.  It was the first time I had ever seen bootblacking in person, as it is far from common in our area outside of equine needs.  The boy working on his boots was friendly and wonderful enough to give me advise on proper care.  But, when he finished, Master’s boots were dull and lifeless.  We were told that because his boots were oil tanned, there was little that could be done for them.  We tipped the bootblack for his time and left it at that.

I was dissatisfied.

So, at the end of our weekend away, I started looking into what steps I could take to make his boots shine.  As it turns out, oil tanning does affect the amount of shine you can achieve.  I will never be able to “spit shine” his boots, but I can make them look cared for with a bit of reflection.

Now, whenever I’m stressed or whenever they need it, I sit down, meticulously pull out my box, lay out my tools, and get to work.

I’m going to be realistic with you.  As erotic as it is to shine his boots while he wears them, I function in the real world.  In our world, our schedules don’t meet up three times a week, twice a week is days off (filled with doctor’s appointments, chores, errands, and family), and other two days are hit and miss.  When life is hectic, but my work needs done, I do it.  Sometimes he’s found me sprawled across the kitchen floor, surrounded by polish and water and laces and cloths, working on his boots.  Sometimes, they get done while he sleeps because insomnia has taken hold and I cannot sleep.

But, when we are able, I sit at his feet, his foot moving between the brass rest and my knee, as I wash and shine his boots until I am satisfied.  Because, to be honest, my view of “perfect” is far more critical than his.

Besides, between you and me, if you were into Boot Worship (and humiliation with those same boots), you’d have high standards too.

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Now that I have given you my backstory, lets get into the real history.  Sit back my peeps, its story time.  Don’t worry, its short and sweet.  Unfortunately, the bootblacking community seems quiet in their work and passes much of its history verbally.

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According to Merriam-Webster, the term bootblack was first used in 1817 and simply meant “one who shines shoes”.

I find the dictionary doesn’t come anywhere close to explaining everything that comes with the word bootblack.  It does describe the most basic functions.

It is very difficult to find information on bootblacking.  There is no reason given for why it separated from general leather care.  I did manage to find a picture from Paris, 1838, showing a very blurring picture of someone having their shoes shined on the sidewalk.

Bootblacking is most closely tied to Leather Culture.  In fact, I would consider it an integral part of the community since it revolves around the care of leather.  From my understanding, while bootblacking refers to the care of boots, many bootblacks expand their care of leather to other items, such as chaps, vests, hats, and collars.  This list is by no means comprehensive and I am positive that if something is made from leather, someone is there taking care of it.

There is very little information regarding bootblacking, outside of how-to instructions and the competitions held—the first of which was in 1953.  To put this in perspective, the bootblack pride flag, designed by Jesse “Spanky” Penley, did not make its debut until 2005.  That is a 52-year gap where the community had grown and developed before it adopted its symbol.

In my own experience, I have found it hard to meet others in a situation like mine.  While bootblacking is not gender defined, it is heavily dominated by men.  This was not unexpected since bootblacking, as we know it now, is so heavily tied to the gay leather community.  But, finding another female who bootblacks for a male Master, and does so generally without sexual intentions, is harder to find.

It is my hope that the more involved I get and the more people I connect with, I can experience the diversity that is not so apparent to the outside world, but makes up the vast community who love leather (and its care) as much as I do.

Like many things in the kink lifestyle, bootblacking is an individual experience.  We each have our own reasons for why we do what we do.  Whether it is a spiritual, service-oriented, or sexual experience, we find what we need in bootblacking.

Before I let you go, I figured I’d leave you with a glimpse at my reasons.

I have a deep respect for those who work their craft for strangers.  Currently, I do not have the patience for such a task.  I also view bootblacking as a service.  I find my fulfillment in providing that service to Master.  With His blessing, I also extend that offer to those within our family.

Bootblacking is a highly personal experience to me.  Not only am I caring for Master, I am able to lose myself in the fantasies and memories of our play.  Those boots have been pressed against my cheek to press my face to the floor. They have been used against my chest to bend me backwards. They have been used to move me into positions and correct my posture.  They have been polished with both my tongue and my body.  They are often the first and only thing I see when play begins.

Beyond all of that, they mark my shift from sub-space to reality.  Because, at the very end of every session, when I’m sweating, and panting, and coming down from the high of sub-space, I kiss each boot, thank my Master for his time and care, and press my forehead to the cool surface of his boots.

For me, there is no greater pleasure, than that moment of silence, that connects Master and myself as one.

About the Author

My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Is This Your Community or Not?

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Long before the virus broke fully out, I had my own ideas about social gatherings, touching, close quarter playing and more. To be honest, I don’t really like being in an enclosed space with sweaty people and body fluids. Beyond my general dislike for my own sweat, let alone someone else’s, I’ve witnessed quite a lot of hot topics for me over the years:

  • Kinksters not wiping down equipment before AND after use (yes, I said before – don’t assume!)
  • Play parties with no real protection being offered whether that be condoms, chux, or even disinfecting wipes – this is a lot of house parties
  • Themed gatherings focused on kissing/fluid exchange with total strangers
  • Events that have lackluster cleaning standards and more…

You will notice, I also rarely eat at a kinky event. Hands? Balls? Sweat…Cheetos? Need I say more? Call me what you will, but I really, really hate germs. The difference before was that I felt safe having the tools I needed to make myself feel “clean” after leaving said events or germ-ridden encounters.

Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying here: I sweat like a fat girl who has run a 5k during most of my scenes, I spit in my sub’s face, I’ve done “dirty germ-ridden” things in what I felt were a more controlled environment.

What I am saying now to the kink community is, we’ve effectively lost control.

It’s not necessarily due to anything on our part, but on a whole, globally, control of cleanliness and sanitation has been lost. Even in our little bubble of kink, we still exist on a global scale. The frantic, herd mentality, end-of-times bulk purchasing of soap, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, and paper towels is an ill-executed attempt from individuals to regain some semblance of control right now. It’s a scary time in the world of COVID-19 – the invisible, nearly undetectable, virus that is infecting, and claiming innocent lives of humans sadly, even as I type this. Everything we’re doing right now is driven by fear and fear is often faceless but breathes down our necks like a hot high-noon summer sun. It can make us delirious and irrational in our actions.

The normal distribution system we are used to is like a well-orchestrated ballet and right now we are so out of tune and out of sync.

Without being too cruel, I’d like to challenge everyone to look within their own community as it stands. Forget, the king of the hill tactics of imaginary seated “leaders”, there are no true leaders in this community. The quicker we can admit that, the better we’ll be. We have no authority to appoint such. We may follow, like, and attend classes on topics and with presenters and organizations we like but none of us are “in charge”. That’s why it’s doubly important that you, as one person, in your own community look at the actions of those around you closely.

I am in no way surprised that in the Washington, DC metro area (and across the country) there are still foolish party promoters, douchey event planners, and dumb and dumber participants still holding on to the notion that kinky parties, and physical socializing are acceptable.

Anyone who is attempting to promote, organize, or attend a kinky event as of March 15th does not care about your community. 

It’s not their community, because if it was they’d know better. It’s your community and it’s your responsibility to step up and show out where needed to boot kick these irresponsible idiots into the center of our “town square”. Not only is it predatory in nature to promise the people something you know they want but shouldn’t have, it’s immoral to continue to ignore the advice of specialists who are far more qualified to tell us that gatherings including hallmarks of kink should be halted.

I like kink. It’s a part of my everyday life, no matter how small. I know how much everyone just wants things to go back to normal, how much people just “really need” to be spanked, why some people’s carnal desires are like an itch that can’t be scratched right now. I can understand how dynamics and relationships of all sorts are being put to the absolute test by social distancing and self isolation but…

Is this your community or not?

Do you give a damn? Maybe two? Then stay the f**k inside. No matter how horny you get. Speak up about events that should NOT be happening. Ban members for the future who have shown their true colors during this time. Remove the silly notion that “leaders” within the community know what’s best and just follow common sense and the advice of the World Health Organization (WHO). The sooner we stand together and say ‘NO’ to events and “kinksters” that threaten the fabric of humanity and in turn, our subculture of BDSM, the sooner we can recover together and pick up the pieces. You can still have kinky fun without ever leaving your house such as

We are no longer (and never really were honestly) bound by our geographical location. And if there ever was a time to support your local clubs, dungeons, boards, munches, and community virtually by way of donating what you can (large or small) or offering volunteer services when (and if!) they are able to get back up and running, that time is now.

Again, the time is now. If we want a community for tomorrow, we must think about our actions today, or else the community we knew will be nothing but a distant memory.

About the Author

d20domme is unapologetically kinky after over 10 years in the community. She is known as pint-height, poly(androus), plus-size, POC, 24/7 Femdom who knows what she wants and will use her craft in mindfuckery and persuasive viper tongue to get it. Her main kink is normalizing kinky lifestyles across the board and thus she can often be found writing on her blog From Mundane To Mistress, chatting away on podcasts, teaching classes, demos, or presenting locally in the Washington, DC area, New York, and sometimes across the pond in Europe.

Consent Violations

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Consent is the defining difference between BDSM and Abuse.  Even beyond Communication, consent is necessary in every aspect of kink.  However, consent is an umbrella term and has many different facets.

Consent: permission or agreement for something to happen

**This is a very broad definition and leaves a lot of wiggle room for play**

Other Types of Consent:

Medical Consent: In a Long-Term Partnership, it is the consent to allow your partner to enforce medical actions or decisions.  For example, requiring you to take your pills/vitamins, eat healthy, exercise, or attend medical appointments.  

In a scene, this relies more on the honesty of both the Top and bottom about prior medical issues.  For example, Electrical play is unsafe for pregnant women and those with pacemakers or other heart issues.  Honesty is paramount to a successful and fulfilling scene.

Mental/Emotional Consent: For me, this is the combination of consent and negotiation to allow mind fuckery and/or emotionally traumatizing play.  It can encompass humiliation, degradation, dark age play, race play, objectification, and other types of taboo play.

Informed Consent: All parties involved have negotiated and are aware of the risks involved.  Under this type of consent, there is a debate between SSC, RACK, and PRICK.

RACK- Risk Aware Consensual Kink.  “I may know that fire play may result in a burn, but I am fine with proceeding anyway.”

SSC- Safe, Sane, Consensual.  “Play should be safe, with a clear mind, and the agreement of all involved.”  

PRICK- Personal Responsibility, Informed Consensual Kink. “I understand that breath play may cause an asthma attack, but I want to try it anyway.” 

**PRICK is considered the “next evolution” of RACK.  The easiest way to apply it is that You take the responsibility to understand all risks and possible outcomes of the play you wish to take part in.  It falls to you to learn instead of simply relying on a seasoned partner.

You must make the decision for yourself on what you prefer to use in your own play.  I personally play under RACK but I teach SSC. I know that what I do can be dangerous and can lead to injury.  I take that responsibility, as does my partner. However, SSC is much more generalized and a good rule of thumb to get your feet wet in the scene.

Implied Consent: The dictionary defines this as “consent which is not expressly granted by a person, but rather implicitly granted by a person’s actions and the facts and circumstances of a particular situation (or in some cases, by a person’s silence or inaction)”.

**Please keep in mind that communication is number one.  Implied consent happens when an assumption is made.  

For example, when I am in subspace, I lose my ability to Safeword.  I remain engaged in the scene, but I am unable to express if something is not to my liking.  If my partner decides to ask me to do something I may not normally consent to, and I don’t indicate a Safeword, he may take this as consent.  Due to my participation, my consent is implied.

In my relationship, this would not be a problem due to the nature of my dynamic.  However, this type of consent leaves an opening for both miscommunication and coercion.  It can also lead to victim blaming (“but you didn’t say no”) and/or false accusations of consent violations (“Why did you do ‘X?’” “Because you enthusiastically participated when I suggested it”).

Consent is a fluid idea.  It can change in an instant.  Any type of altered state of mind (Dom/sub space, drinking, drugs, 420, medication, etc.) can lead to miscommunication and/or lower inhibitions.  These lowered inhibitions may influence your acceptance of an activity during a scene but lead to regret/feeling violated afterwards when the chemicals in your brain settle.

Blanket Consent: This is a term of my own making.  It is how I define my own relationship.  Outside of the five items on my hard limit list, my partner has the right to do anything he wishes without prior discussion or negotiation.

Financial Consent: This would be giving complete control of your financials to another individual.  This option is seen in both the vanilla and kink worlds.  

  1.  Financial Dominants (FinDom/mes).  This is a Dom/me who receive gifts and money from a s-type individual.  There is often no further contact between the D-type and the s-type beyond gift giving.  No services are traded.
  2. Master/slave relationships often involve giving over control of all aspects of your life, including financial freedom.
  3. Allowing another person to control your finances to prevent self-harming behaviors or to promote good money practices.

Dubious Consent (Dubcon):  This is not really defined as consent since it involves coercion.  It could be as simple as pursuing someone consistently, after they have said no, until they give in to your wants.  It can also involve blackmail and/or abuse of power.

I have this listed because it can be included in some fantasy play.  Things like Headmaster/student, Boss/secretary, or Head of Household (HoH)/maid.  Such roleplays can revolve around dubcon.  

Personally, I recommend that this is negotiated very carefully.

Non-consensual Consent (NonCon/CNC):  According to the BDSM Glossary on Fetlife.com, CNC is a “mutual agreement that within defined limits, or subject to a Safeword or other restrictions, and to common sense, consent to activities without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned.”  

That is a fancy way of saying “do what you want as long as I haven’t used my Safeword and nobody is gravely injured.”  At least, that’s how I read it.

CNC is often tied to edge play.  Knife play, kidnapping play, rape play, race play, and other type of play that has an element of resistance or fear.  For reactions to be more genuine, a majority of the scene may be left undiscussed.  

CNC in no way means that they do not have the right to Safeword at any time.  As with any type of scene, anyone involved has the right to withdraw consent at any point before or during play. You also have the right to refuse aftercare, even if it was previously negotiated.

Please understand that you cannot remove consent after the fact.  If you expressly agreed to play with informed consent, you cannot state that consent was broken simply because you regret something or struggle processing your thoughts and feelings.

**If you do feel as though something isn’t right, or didn’t happen as you expected, communicate with your partner.  If it was a Service Top or a one-time play partner at a party, reach out. If you are unable to talk to them, reach out to members of your community that you trust**

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Now that we understand the various degrees of consent, we get to talk about the hard stuff.

The next two definitions are not ones I necessarily agree with.  I hold the personal belief that any breach of consent classifies as a violation.  Whether intentional or accidental, a serious discussion is needed to rectify that wrong.

Consent Violation: A purposeful disregard or breach of someone’s boundaries.

Consent Accident: A breach of boundaries or consent through unintentional means, such as, miscommunication or a misinterpretation of responses.

While I understand breach of consent can be accidental, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth to have it listed as an option.  A violation, in any form, will always be a violation. However, stating it was an accident can cause it to be brushed aside with a compulsive “I’m Sorry.”  To me, that removes the responsibility of one or both the individuals involved.

I will use these two terms as reference to make it easier to understand intent.

Intention is not often talked about in my community.  As such, the first time I was asked what my intention for play was, I was utterly lost on how to answer.  For the record, “I intend to get a caning” is not an acceptable answer.

Why is intention important?  What does it mean? Who actually breaks it down enough that it matters?

The answer to the third question is Master.  Because, let me tell you, play does not exist until I have the correct answer.

So, what does intention mean?

Everything in kink is intentional.  I’ve never met a person that doesn’t have a reason for what they do.  

A brat pushes buttons to get attention.  A puppy jumps and barks for play time. A Dom sets a rule for a specific reason.  A masochist may beg to receive more pain or push their boundaries.

I strive to anticipate.  Everything I do is built on the intention of easing the stress on my Master and my spouses.  I try to make sure chores are done, bills are paid, reminders are set, phone calls made, and/or anything else I find that is useful.

My intention in play is far different.  My intention is to please.  

Joji is a good girl with few boundaries.  Since I prefer to not know our play ahead of time, I am often taken off guard and my reactions are quite genuine.  It also means that wherever Master leads, I follow.

Because my focus and intent are based on pleasing Master, I find it very hard to tell him my intention towards a scene.  So, He breaks it down for me.

“I intend to get a caning”

“Why?”

“Because I need one, Sir.”

“Why do you need one?”

“…”  I Pause.  Why? I’m not really sure myself.  So, I think about it. Honestly, I dwell on it far more than I should.  Master is patient as He watches the turmoil on my face. Why? Then I finally understand what he is asking.

“May I have a caning Sir?”

“Why?”

“Because I need to be able to let go of all my stress and guilt.  I need to feel your absolute control.” My intention for play is to be pushed far enough to lose myself in the sensation of pain.  My intention is to submit without reservations.

**Your intention can be as varied as your play.  If its been awhile since I’ve played with Master, due to outside obligations, sometimes I just want a bare-handed spanking.  In those moments, my intent is simply to reconnect with Him. Skin to skin contact is our solution.

Why is intention important?

While consent is the cornerstone between kink and abuse, intention is the building blocks.   Consent opens the door, but each person’s intentions lead to trust, communication, reputation, experience, and everything else we consider defining characteristics.

-You can be trusted by a community and violate my trust at home.

-I can communicate with you and you could refuse to listen.

-You can have a polished reputation and keep your cruelty behind closed doors.

-You can be experienced but be without patience for me to learn.

Do you intend to just take what you want without regard to my needs?  Do you intend to hold me to high standards without educating me on how to meet them?  Do you intend to see me cry from cruelty or catharsis? Do you intend me to fear your words and movements or to revel in properly applied correction?

Do you intend to use and abuse me without my express consent?

If so, you will most likely violate my consent in the most cruel and intentional of ways.

**I need to specify that I ask these questions from my role as a submissive.  In no way does this mean that only D-types can violate consent purposefully. Manipulation, use of guilt, abuse of Safeword, continuous disregard of negotiated rules, and ignoring stated limits are all ways that an s-type can purposefully violate a D-types consent.

Manipulation: “You’d do this if you loved me”

Guilt: “You never think about how stressed I am when you ask X”

Abuse of Safeword: Using your Safeword to stop mutually agreed upon punishments

Disregard of Rules: “I know I asked you to make sure I take my pills, but I’ve been skipping them because I just didn’t want to do it.”

Ignoring limits: “We agreed that any partner I had sex with would be STD tested first.  However, I slept with someone last week who wasn’t tested and didn’t tell you.”

As vast as I’m sure your imagination is, there are plenty more examples of how people can violate consent, intentionally or accidentally.  

Here are some of the most known ways I’ve come across:

Consent Accidents:

–Non-disclosure of medical history

Some of us have preferences on who we are willing to play with in regards to health, mental or physical.  

A prime example of this happened to Master.  He always asks the same questions before he will give someone a tasting of electrical play.  One of his questions is about metal and/or medical implants. Metal plates in the body can heat up and give internal burns if electrified too much.  So, he needs to know where to play lighter or if it needs to be avoided all together. One guy who got on his table told him he had no metal plates in his body.  Turns out, the guy did have metal in his body. According to him, he has had the implant so long, it never crossed his mind that it was there. He only remembered after the fact.  He unintentionally broke Master’s consent by neglecting to answer the questions fully.  

–Unexpected Outcomes

On some occasions, one type of play mutates into another, less desirable type of play.

One instance happened at a local event last year.  A guy was on Master’s table and they were doing knife play.  He had been on Master’s table many times before and they both were comfortable playing together.  They agreed to knife play, combined with electrical play, but no blood play or breaking of skin. The scene was going fine until the bottom had a knee-jerk reaction he never had before.  He reached up and grabbed the knife. As you can imagine, he sustained a fairly good cut on his palm and it bled plenty. Purely by accident, we were now dealing with blood.

Accidents happen in play.  There are times that blood, urine, vomit, and other bodily fluids come into play when they are nowhere near the negotiations.  It is still considered a consent breach, especially if those things are on a limit list.  

In this case, it is how you deal with it that matters.  If this happens to you, please start with first aid and aftercare.

Consent Violations:

–Ignoring a Safeword(s).

Whether you use the stoplight system (green, yellow, red), a single safeword, a visual cue, an audio cue, or your own check-in colors, they must be respected.  In my own personal beliefs, I cannot think of a single instance when ignoring a safeword would be considered acceptable.

–Coercing Consent

Repeatedly asking someone to do something they won’t until they agree is coercion.  Obtaining consent while someone is in an altered mind state is coercion.  

–Playing off-script

This one depends on the type of consent you have with your partner.  For some, adding non-negotiated things to a scene (like an additional person, a new kink, etc) can be a violation.  This does not apply to everyone.

–Removing the ability to safeword

This is a general statement but does depend on your dynamic.  There are those who play without safeword. This is their choice.  However, if you are playing with someone who does, and you leave them unable to use it (such as gagging without a visual safeword), then you are violating their consent.

Case by Case

–Intoxication

I try my best to never judge those who play differently than I do.  Some people play with alcohol, drugs, 420, or medication in their system.  I do not. I refuse to play with anyone who has.  

If someone tells me they are sober and it turns out they aren’t, that is purposefully deceitful.

If someone has an adverse reaction to regular medication, that is an accident. 

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I know that I have only scratched the surface of consent and violations.  There are far more than those listed here. The most important thing I want you to take from this is to communicate, regardless of the circumstances.  If you feel something happened that shouldn’t have or your consent was left in question, bring it up. Talk about it. Make it important.

Why?

Because it is important.

We are human.  We make mistakes.  I may have never intended to break your consent or cross a boundary.  I cannot fix it, if you don’t bring it to my attention.

And if it is done on purpose, please revisit the list of common red flags and run the other direction.

About the Author

My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

How Do You Keep Hurting The Person You Love?

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There is a most unusual phenomenon I have noticed in kinky relationships that have gone on for a little while, especially in sadist/masochists relationships. There is an almost inextricable decline in the intensity of play. While there is an almost inevitable waning of what is often referred to as “new relationship energy” in all relationships as they go on it seems far more pronounced in relationships which are so very driven by the energy of those involved.

Where scenes once might have gone on for hours, with the sadist going through multiple tools and the bottom exploring ever greater heights of sensation, now they last half an hour and consist of the one flogger that the bottom likes and the sadist is comfortable using. Rather than 5 course, exotic meals that we have both dressed up for and booked months in advance we are now having takeout in our pyjamas. There is a place for both of these types of meals in a relationship, but not always the same one with never any variation.

These quick scenes, with some tears, some pain, some fear, some of everything we need, they do work. They keep us ticking over, but I feel that we are missing the thrill that used to be there, the thrill of trying something more, something new, with someone we trust. However chasing that thrill should be tempered with a touch of fear, but, as with all fear, it needs to be understood, managed and used productively.

The fear that keeps us careful can also paralyse us, it can leave us sticking to what we know and feel comfortable with. It is the fear of messing up (I won’t say it is the fear of hurting our partner, after all that is exactly what we want to be doing), the fear of doing it wrong. I am not scared of hitting her with a cane, I am scared of hitting her in the wrong place with a cane. If we become too scared of making a mistake then of course we shall restrict ourselves to those things that we know work and we can do most safely.

There is a danger of falling into patterns, playing it too safe, when a big part of the thrill is taking risk. The important thing is not to stop taking risks, just to keep doing it carefully and as partners.

Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) is not about never making a mistake, it is not about getting every scene perfect, it is not about landing each cane strike in just the right place, it is about two grown adults agreeing to take a journey together. That journey will have highs and lows, but what is important is that the two of you are making the choice to keep taking risks together. Even in relationships where there is a disparity of power the steps of this journey need to be taken together, regardless of if one is crawling on their knees.

We have to believe our partners when they say they want to take risks with us. They can support us by reassuring and comforting us when things do go wrong, and tell us when things go well. While we tops bare the greater responsibility of care, especially directly after something goes wrong, we still need feedback, we need affirmation, and in a relationship we should not be afraid to ask for these things, especially if it makes us better at what we both want. Our relationships might be intentionally one sided, but if we let the underlying needs of either party go wanting then we need to re-examine what we are prioritising.

We can overcome the fear of making a mistake, the social conditioning shouting at us not to do what we both enjoy, all for the love of our partner. We have to show the same trust in them as they have in us. They trust us to lead them, and we have to trust that they want to go to the destination with us. As a partnership we can overcome anything and both be evermore the people we want to be.

About the Author
Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.
https://fetlife.com/users/2976273

Schools of Thought

By 2 Comments

There has been a tremendous, and woefully misplaced, push to homogenize everything d/s and bdsm so that it mirrors how things are done in non-d/s and non-kink relationships. The “nillification” of kink and alternative relationships.

It’s quite the hypocrisy, since alternative means DIFFERENT from the norm.

Consent must always be exactly the same for everyone at all times, everywhere.

Safe words must be used by everyone, and they must be the same words, used the same why by everyone.After care must be done by everyone exactly the same way.

Rope must always be done exactly the same way by everyone.

Dominants must be a certain way and adhere to specific standards laid out by people who don’t know them. (See every list of red flags every published. Except mine.)

Submissives must  – oh, never mind. There ARE NO standards for those calling themselves sub. They can do and be anything they fucking want and even their own partner has no say in the matter. The dom’s opinion is not required. Never lose sight of that.

These people are completely missing the point of a d/s or m/s relationship. They’re missing the entire point of kink and fetish. The point being that partners will conduct their relationship and their sexy fun time however they want, regardless who doesn’t like it.

I liken it to schools of martial arts.

The philosophical teachings of the Shaolin are NOT the teachings of the Ninja and never will be. Both differ from that of the Samurai. All three are entire ways of being unto themselves, with their own methods of fighting and their own way of teaching the forms and techniques of those styles.  

Aikido, karate, Tai Chi, Mui Thai, Capoeira, Hop Kido, Jujitsu, Tae Kwon Do – every form of martial arts has its own way of teaching and being. Learning from one does not invalidate the teachings of the others. Each speaks of its teachings in absolutes because they only teach their own philosophy. Their way is the way for them. They do not try to change how or what the other teaches or lives. They respect each other. 

They co-exist.

The student who doesn’t like what is taught leaves that school and finds another more suited to his personality, outlook and goals. Or starts his own school to teach his own Way. 

So it is with people living d/s lifestyles.  Every dominant has his/her own way of being and doing. Their own requirements for their submissives. They learned from someone, be it a mentor, an uncle or a father. There were role models at various points during their life. 

They take that learning and make their own way. We all do. We all learned from parents, grandparents, uncles/aunts, cousins, siblings, friends, people we admire, etc. We learn from people who write on the topic via blogs and books. We think and decide for ourselves what is useful and what is not. We decide for ourselves how we want to run our relationships. We see the mistakes made by others. We take all that forward with us into who we will be.

There are a number of behaviors I won’t tolerate from bottoms and submissives, and I’ve made no bones about that. But I’ve never told another dom that they must not tolerate it either. It’s not my job to tell another dom they have to use safe words how I use them (or don’t, as the case may be). I’ve never told another dom he has to do (or not do) anything the way I do. I teach my way and those who wish to learn from me, learn. They take what works for them and go off and learn from someone else, and another someone else. They develop their own way of being, as a result of having learned from several teachers.

During our lives, we have many teachers, whether or not we recognize them as such at the time.

WOW, are there a lot of people who want to tell me (and others who actually do this shit) how I should do everything. Anything I do my own way and not how they have decided it should be done, (as illustrated at the top of this article) becomes a war because I’m quick to say none of that crap is true.

It’s very simple: You don’t have to like how any of those things are done in any house but your own. You’re not IN that other dom’s house, following his standards and obeying his rules. If you so don’t like those rules, those standards and practices, you’d never be part of that house in the first place. Would you? You wouldn’t want to be.

There’s this notion that some stranger on the internet not liking the way things are done will automatically result in changes that suit them. Newsflash! The people running that house will not change their standards, or how things are done within their own house, to suit someone shaking their finger from the outside.

Every dom has the right to run their house how they choose. 

Every partnership has a right to run their relationship however they choose. 

It’s no one’s place to tell them how they have to do it. Yet we see it every single day, keyboard warriors who have zilch for experience telling others how to run their relationships, their houses, their lives. 

A whole hell of a lot of people need to keep their noses OUT of other people’s relationships.

We see posts declaring that consent must be enthusiastic and ongoing, and no one can do it any other way. Everyone absolutely must have safe words. Period. Soon as those people are confronted for their “my way only!” they often backpedal to say “oh, but every relationship is different”. 

The instant they say that, they have complete negated everything they’ve already said. 

When I confronted someone recently, she said to me “I actually meant it like this” and give some bullshit scenario completely different from what they’d originally said. That happens quite a lot too. People type just to see their own words and don’t really have anything of importance to say. They parrot what they’ve seen others say so often, without giving it any thought.

The fact of the matter is this: If you don’t reside in the house, it’s not your business to tell people IN the house how to run their business.

You can co-exist peacefully. I promise.

It’s called minding your own fucking business.

Also known as “not my circus; not my monkeys”.

 

About the Author

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twentysomething fiction books.

Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/

FB Regular page —  https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseAuthor

 

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.