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What Is It About Impact Play?

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With her ass lit up red from well over 300 strokes with a heavy flogger, her cum dripping down her legs,  her mind floating in a hypnotic sub-space fog, she moans as my cock fills her ass.  

“Mark me Daddy” she coos.  

The cane stroke startles her for a moment, before she moans with pleasure as my cock again fills her ass  and my cool skin presses against her red-hot cheeks…she is cuming hard as she asks again to be marked  “mark me Daddy.” In our scenes, she is marked and then ass fucked until she asks to be marked again.  The cycle repeats until she stops asking or until I am so aroused that I cum. This week she welcomed 10  strokes of the heavy cane. She is a proudly marked collared slut.  

Impact play is ultimately a form of energy play. Kinetic energy that the implement delivers to the  bottom, who in impact play is referred to as the catcher, from the person wielding the whip, the  thrower, varies based on the skill and the amount of energy used to throw the whip. What occurs in the  receiver’s body with the impact is an interesting neurophysiological and psychological/emotional  phenomenon. What makes a masochist a masochist is the association of pain with pleasure. And at the  same time, there are people who do not identify as masochists who enjoy impact play. With that in  mind, consider that the first time a flogger/whip lands on the skin, the pain receptors, technically called  nociceptive mechanoreceptors, are stimulated to fire. They send their message of pain up to the brain  using a slowly transmitting message pathway of unmyelinated nerves. Think of it as if the pain message  is on a slow train to the cerebral cortex delivered by a chemical process of neurotransmission. If you  have ever bumped your shin hard, you know exactly what I am referring to. The message of pain gets to  the brain eventually, and with repeated strokes of the flogger, that pathway is chemically depleted. At  the same time, there is another process occurring that creates a chemical irritant to the nociceptors.  This time at the level of the capillaries. In the case of an unseasoned bottom, the capillaries fail and leak.  The blood that leaks will lead to bruising around the area. Deep bruising on a fresh bottom will spread as  the blood drains with gravity. In a seasoned bottom, this redness is transient, and reflects a slightly  different process which I will come back to. Local bleeding produces lysosomal enzymes in the  interstitial spaces, which create chemical pain as those lysosomes irritate the nociceptors. When you  press on a bruise, it hurts because those lysosomal enzymes are out in the interstitial tissues rather than  encapsulated in in the lysosomes in the blood vessels where they belong. In the seasoned bottom, the  local redness is in part due to the normal cooling mechanism of the body. Local heat causes redness as  blood comes to the surface so that cooling can occur, and heat can dissipate. The main advantage of  “warming up the bottom” is that the fluid filled tissue is very tolerant of impact play. With my slut, we  play almost every day and her ass gets very red, but a short time after we play her skin color has  returned to normal. There are no lasting effects of the impact play on the local tissue.  

Just a short note on pain interpretation. As best we can tell, pain is an emotion. We experience the  emotion the way we do based on many things from our upbringing to our nature. My mom was  incredibly stoic. She barely flinched when she cut her and badly and had to have stitches without  anesthetic. I have had a dental filling replaced without an anesthetic by just using visualization to  manage the pain of dental work. The point is that we all interpret pain differently.  

As a flogging scene begins, I gradually build up the intensity of the impact and the ass literally warms up.  The combination of repeated blows of a gradually increasing intensity brings enough blood to the area to allow the blows to land on tissue that does not deform sufficiently to fire off the deep pain receptors  and the sensation of impact play is normalized recruiting the normal sensory pathway, which is  delivered via high-speed electro-chemically transmitting myelinated nerves. Think of this as the fast  train. Imagine that the two pathways get to a station, and at the station, there is a gating mechanism  which gives priority to the rapidly conducting nerves, so the pain transmission is overwhelmed by this  new input and the sensation experience of the catcher changes to a sensation that is interpreted as  pleasurable, or at least, as a more normal sensation.  

Its that shift that moves the experience from one of punishment to one of pleasure. The impact imparts  kinetic energy that the catcher internalizes as erotic, sexual and arousing. This occurs because in the  cerebral cortex, the pain input is received, and because pain is an emotion, like happiness or sadness,  how it is received is up to the interpretation of the catcher. It is in this state of being in a hypnotic trans  that the catcher interprets the impacts as pleasurable, erotic or sexually arousing.  

The implement I choose to mark my slut with is the cane. I have a long history with the cane, both in  being caned as a child in school as well as an implement to enforce a discipline or impart a punishment. I  choose the cane as the implement I use to mark my slut as an act of love. She wears her marks with  pride, and she chooses to be marked on her terms. We have created a paradigm where she puts herself  forward for marking in our high protocol scenes and during the scene, I mark her when I am confident  that she is, in fact, prepared and ready to be marked. She occurs to me as ready for marking when it is  clear to me that she is experiencing a deeply hypnotic state or what we know as “subspace”, and that  her ass has been warmed up with hundreds of strokes starting with light and progressing to heavy, and  after I have flogged her on two or three separate occasions building up to the intensity each time  leading up to the marking. Once she is warmed up to my satisfaction, I alert her than marking is next so  she can prepare herself, then I give her one firm cane stroke with the heavy cane. I choose the heavy  cane because she is a seasoned bottom and in order to mark her, I need to make sure she develops a  deep bruise. What follows for us is that it’s up to her to request that she be marked again. Giving her  this choice has opened a new avenue for her to explore her masochism and her capacity to expand her  enjoyment of our impact play. There is a lot of power in her choosing to be marked. She is empowered  to test herself and she is immensely proud of her marks. To illustrate this, note that in the past, she only  tolerated up to 3 or 4 strokes before she limited out, with this new paradigm she is now requesting up  to 10 strokes and talking about asking for more. I have one more thing to say about the marking. The  intensity of the cane strokes pulls her out of her hypnotic trance for sure, so we have created a way to  manage the marking process, and then after the marking process if complete, I incorporate all the tricks  I have to create sexual pleasure for her so that she is able to return to her trance state. Marking for us is  not an act of punishment or discipline. Its part of our dynamic and its part of our agreement to live a  Total Power Exchange. In our dynamic, she belongs to me and I mark my belongings. With that said, I  have postulated that because she experiences orgasms with flogging, that before long, and especially as  her cane strokes grow in number, she will also experience orgasm with cane strokes.  

What is interesting about impact play is that there are all sorts of implements to enjoy experimenting  with. I have had the experience of topping a dedicated and long experienced masochist who was fulfilled  by suffering. She was more interested in being hurt than she was in having an orgasm. There is nothing  wrong with that, and that is not where we are in our current dynamic. As a sensual sadist, my interest is  in using implements that allow my slut to explore her sexuality, and her masochism as her full self expression. She is a sensual masochist. Not looking to experience pain for the purpose of suffering, but rather looking for pain that arouses her in the context of an impact scene. We have discovered that she  is partial to the heavy flogger. It brings out her inner slut and she has enjoyed the experience of as many  as 1200 vigorous continuous strokes with the heavy flogger. She is not, as it turns out, partial to the  riding crop, or the paddle or the wooden paddle which seems to be distracting for her. She finds a  rhythmic flogging to be what she desires to keep her in subspace and in full arousal. She finds that the  experience of intermittent strokes or strokes that surprise her tend to “break the spell” as it were. That’s  not her jam. She wants predictable impact play that allows her to explore the depths of her masochism  and her journey in subspace and rhythms that maintain the hypnotic and erotic state of mind seem  more suited to her sexual inquiry.  

Thinking about floggers, there is a continuum from light floggers to heavy, to cat-of-nine tails, to snake  whips to single tails to bullwhips.  

The natural progression is that in the case of throwing and catching whips, there is a progression that  requires skills. Luckily, the skills build from implement to implement. Also, there is a difference between  punishment and sexuality. In this writing, I am speaking about sensual sadism while using whips and  floggers for hypnotic impact play. This is the way we use the flogger. The impact play scenes we engage  in are erotic and hypnotic by nature. This means that there is loud music and the rhythmic strokes that  build up from lighter to heavier are predictable to her and timed with the music. Because I can increase  the intensity on a gradient without changing rhythm or by suddenly changing the intensity too  dramatically, I can keep her in that hypnotic trance state for a long time. The below threshold intensity  of the rhythmic flogging that we engage in helps to both create a hypnotic trance, and to sustain the  experience such that I can increase and decrease the intensity of the flogging so she can ride waves of  pleasure during our play. The only unpredictable variable in our use of the flogger then is the duration of  the flogging. What I never do is “shock” her with an unreasonably heavy strike so she comes out of the  hypnotic trance she is experiencing.  

The choice to move from flogger to cat-of-nine requires the learning of a skillset to keep all nine fronds  of the whip on target. This is amplified in difficulty by orders of magnitude with each successive whip as  the number of fronds goes down, and the length of the whip increases, requiring one to use more force  to get the whip on target with each transition from one whip to the next. By the time you get to single  tails, you are dealing with a whip that can move at subsonic speeds imparting a massive amount of  kinetic energy to the catcher with each stroke. There is no advantage to whip a catcher at super sonic  speeds, that is to say, to crack the whip on the person, and even a sub-sonic whipping, where you crack  the whip just before it impacts the catcher, imparts a significant amount of kinetic energy to the catcher,  who’s skin will likely break unless they are very experienced at catching high intensity whips.  

The definitive work on whips is “Whips in the Dungeon: Singletail Technique” by Dex who also has an  extensive video library and who regularly hosts educational sessions on whip play on Amazon. Dex  maintains a Patreon for a lot of his very worthwhile content too. You can find that here:  https://www.patreon.com/witd. And you can access his Whips in the Dungeon video library that  accompanies the text here http://witd.houseofgraves.com/witd/. If you want to learn to be a proficient  whip thrower, I strongly recommend the Dex method that progresses you from one whip to the next  most difficult whip on the way to the single tail. Dex has a couple of Youtube channels and a facebook  page that you can follow him on. All of those links are available on his fetlife page. Just search for Dex. 

There are two participants in our impact play scenes. The thrower (me) and the catcher (her). In our  scenes, we use impact play as in integral part of our sexual encounters. I use chain bondage, and her  obedience to create a deep dive into hypnotic subspace, and along with hypnotic erotic flogging, take  her to that place where her sexual self-expression occurs in her submission and her unconstrained  exploration of herself as a masochist. It has been there, in that experience of subspace, that our sexual  encounters take on the form of an energetic exchange where we find ourselves occurring not as two  people, but as a single sexual creature. This experience is brought about after a long bout of rhythmic  flogging that pushes her deeper into that frame of mind. The deeper she goes, the harder I can flog her.  The harder I flog her the more she cums, the firmer her butt gets and the more she tolerates cane strokes.  

I have had vastly different experiences with impact play over the years. I have used impact play as a tool  of discipline where submissives who seek guidance choose escalating sessions of corporal punishment to  keep them accountable. In those instances, there is not a long warm-up and the submissive is told to  simple bend over and pull her panties down before being caned. I have also, as I mentioned, been  served by a submissive who needed to suffer in order to be fulfilled sexually. She wanted to be surprised  by intense punishment scenes with unpredictable impacts that shocked and surprised her for example.  

Impact play is something that you can do with or without association with sexual intimacy. People who  are dominants might themselves also enjoy impact play as catchers in addition to being throwers. The  main thing it to remember is that consent is everything and the negotiation that allows the impact scene  to progress should include agreements around safe words.  

In our dynamic, we use Red and Yellow. Others use a number scale, and so on. The number scale is way  for people who do not know each other well to be in communication during a scene. The thrower might  feel that they are using a force that occurs to them as a 7/10 while the catcher might only be  experiencing the impact as a 3/10. The number scale can help them get aligned in their interpretation of  the intensity. The key to a successful scene is that the thrower and the catcher MUST be in  communication, and there must be trust so that the catcher knows that the thrower will honor their  safe words.  

Play safe!  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms

Do You Need to Earn the Right to Submit?

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

I got a note this morning from a dominant friend of mine, sharing the frustrations she, and many  dominant women, have when taking on new subs. Her question was whether subs should have to prove  themselves to be worthy of being allowed to submit, or be put in a position of submission and then  prove their ability within the role. 

From my days in management (outside of D/s dynamics), I can tell you that, most of the time, people  prove their ability to do a higher-level job before they’re assigned to it. It is a much less frequent  practice to give someone a “chance to succeed” at a position. It’s done…but not nearly as often. This is  usually because positions are often coveted and highly competitive and there’s no need to take the risk  associated with having the wrong person in a position of responsibility.  

If I take the analogy back to D/s dynamics, the reasons for qualifying an individual before allowing them  to submit to you, boil down to the risks associated with them not being able to perform as expected.  What are the risks associated with taking a chance on a submissive?  

The risks boil down to the amount of work that will end up on the dominant. The downside puts the  dominant to the task of identifying flaws in the sub’s efforts, determining how to communicate and  correct them, and then following up to make sure the corrections are made. Even worse, they may find  themselves needing to “motivate” the submissive…to create the energy to get them to serve. They can  easily then lose confidence that the submissive will perform other tasks to the level of performance  that’s acceptable and need to make constant judgements regarding whether to trust a submissive with a  particular task, or not. 

As those of you who have read my books and other posts and essays know, I’m a firm believer that  having a submissive makes my life EASIER. If having a submissive makes my life more complicated, gives  me less time to do what I want to do, or forces me to do things I don’t want to do, then something is very wrong. 

My friend brought up the point that often submissives want to be given the position and then be  ‘trained’. The whole “Training” thing is something I’m particularly against. I don’t train my submissives,  but I do educate them. I want them to understand my preferences and expectations and to internalize  them, so that they become their own. When they act, they act in concert with fulfilling those expectations. 

A quick web lookup on the differences between training and educating highlights this well: 

Training refers to an act of inculcating specific skills in a person. Education is all  about gaining theoretical knowledge in the classroom or any institution. Training is a way to develop specific skills, whereas education is a typical system of learning.

I am all for communicating to a submissive and teaching them general terms of how to be my  submissive, but I’m not interested training them like an animal. The skills they need to serve me, they  either come to the table with – or are able to develop based on their understanding of the objective and  their ability to learn. 

So, no…I’m not going to pick a submissive and try to train them to serve me. They’re going to have  opportunity to prove they’re a good learner and have the ability to apply general principles to develop specific skills. 

Does a prospective submissive possess the intelligence, empathy, awareness, self-awareness,  dedication, and energy needed to be good at it? That seems to me to be an awful lot to expect to just  blossom in front of you. Sure, it’s possible – but are you willing to put up with the effort required to  discover it can’t? 

For me, I would rather get to know a prospective submissive before allowing them to submit to me.  During that time, I’m assessing a lot about their personality, their real interests, their ability to be  dominant-centric, and their intelligence. I’m qualifying them to be a submissive, not based on any  particular skill, but rather based on the qualities that make learning happen. Are they going to be a good  student? Are they driven by a passion to serve? Are they going to be able to exhibit the self-control to  maintain their dedication – without burdening me with the need to force, or enforce, it? 

Therefore, from my viewpoint, you don’t get to submit and then prove you can do it. You also don’t  prove you can submit – you exhibit your natural abilities to learn and adapt and you exhibit your internal  desire to serve. You show me why, in particular, you want to serve ME – and not just any woman. Then,  I can feel comfortable with the discussion that leads to your submission. 

I would love to hear your opinions! 

“You don’t like to cuddle?! You’re a HORRIBLE Person!”

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Seems like such a mundane thing to have as a hard limit, doesn’t it? Cuddling after sex or play.

I get this attitude every time the topic of aftercare comes up. Doesn’t matter if I’m the bottom. Doesn’t matter if I’m the top. Doesn’t matter if I’m the dom. Doesn’t matter if I’m the sub.

They ALWAYS mean cuddling. I mean ALWAYS. It’s never about food and drink. Never about tending wounds. It’s always about being trapped against another human being long after my need for close contact is concluded.

When I say I don’t cuddle, people automatically assume I must be some callous, mean-spirited, abusive ghoul. They personally have to have the cuddles, so anyone who won’t do that (even though we’re never going to meet, let alone play) is the worst villain in the world. End of story.

Here’s the thing…there is a story behind it, if only they’d see past their own personal snit to listen.

Not once has anyone ever asked me why I don’t like to cuddle. I’m a very horrible terrible person and that’s the end of it. There are no valid reasons as far as they are concerned.

But, yeah, there are reasons. Very serious, horrific reasons. In order to comprehend how pervasive it is, take this moment to set aside any indignation over the very thought that someone doesn’t like to cuddle with other adult human beings. (Cats and dogs are fine. I’d love a bunny, too. Or a ferret. Hell, even a cuddly snake would be great.)

My reason starts with the molestation I endured for years as a child. Being trapped on the bed, unable to escape him or that nightmare. Not allowed to leave the bed until he’d done what he was going to do to me that day and let me go. There was no fighting him. He was much bigger than I was at the start. He just picked me up and carried me into his room. The cousin trusted to babysit me and his younger brother while his mother and sisters went to the grocery store, which always took two or more hours. It ended when my mother and I moved closer to my school and I no longer had to go to my aunt’s house every day Monday through Friday.

Flash forward to my first husband, who I was with from 1987 to 2000. He would demand that I remain in the bed with him after sex. “Cuddle with me!” he would say in this pleading, childish whine. It may have been cute at first. After years of it, I hated that phrase. At the time, I could not vocalize my dislike. I just didn’t much like to cuddle.

I was literally trapped in his arms, forced to remain regardless how I felt about it. He was good at back-handed guilt trips and getting angry if I tried to stand up for myself and not do something he was badgering me into. There was no winning. Even if I won and didn’t have to cuddle, I lost because he would be angry for hours.

I had to endure it until he started snoring. Close, hot space, sweaty bodies (gross), being breathed on when my skin was already insufferably over-sensitive. 

I hated every second of it. I still do. If a guy flogs and fucks me well enough that I want to cuddle, he needs to mark his belt, put a notch on the bedpost, and make a note in the calendar to celebrate the anniversary next year.

Once he started snoring, I could extricate myself from the bear trap and get some space. I could be alone for the rest of the night if he stayed asleep.

Would it have been different if I’d never suffered through four years of sexual abuse? I don’t know. I can never know, so I don’t dwell on it. This is who I am and people have to take me as I am. They cannot change me to suit themselves, and that wouldn’t be fair of them anyway.

Not wanting to be trapped in a place I no longer want to be doesn’t make me a horrible person.

“Gosh, maybe you should go to therapy and fix that!” I can hear someone saying.

Why? To appease people I’m not in a relationship with? So no one has to suffer the thought that someone else isn’t like they are? No amount of therapy in the world is going to change the fact that I don’t like to be touched after sex and/or play, or that I want to be left alone when we’re done. I don’t need that type of pseudo-connection and manufactured closeness in order to be content.

Another mundane thing that is a hard limit with me is performing fellatio, and for the same initial reason: Molestation I endured as a child.

Over the years, it’s become harder and harder to do. I’m at the point where I cannot bring myself to put my mouth on the genitals. I have zero desire to do so. Rather the opposite. I have complete aversion to the very thought.

I’m really good at fellatio. I used to be able to do it for quite a long time with my first husband, until my jaw ached and I could barely move it. With the second husband, it slowly became impossible. We talked about it many times. He understood. He didn’t tell me to do it very often. He understood when I couldn’t do it for more than a few minutes. He knew it was a thing he was not qualified to fix.

“Gosh, maybe you should get some therapy to fix that!” I can hear someone saying.

Yes, the horror of a woman refusing to suck dick. It must be fixed! All those poor men whose dicks she’s not sucking! THINK OF THE POOR DICKS!

I don’t feel a need to go to therapy just so I can tolerate a sexual act I get no pleasure in performing. It’s not a crime against nature that I don’t want to do it. It’s my choice. Consent and all. I do not consent to giving head, and I’m okay never giving head ever again in my life.

That doesn’t make me a horrific monster either. I’ll still fuck a dude right off the bed. 

While I won’t perform oral, I do give an intense round of fucking. I consider that a good trade off, especially when they wear themselves out and can’t satisfy my need for orgasms. See, that’s another lingering effect of having been molested for years. I LOVE to fuck. I’m all about the penetration. Hard fucking, long fucking, bodies pounding together so hard that people on the other beds stop to watch and applaud when I’m finally done and the people next door light up a smoke.

I’d call that a good alternative.

So, Dear Reader…When someone says a seemingly mundane, everyday common thing is a hard limit, rather than drawing a judgment against that person maybe you should ask if they will share the why of it. Maybe take a moment to realize that there might be a deeply personal and private pain behind that hard limit. Understand the why and accept the person for who they are. Realize it’s not the end of the world if you don’t get that thing, and take what they offer as an alternative.

Their limit isn’t about you.

It’s about them.

——-

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She has over 30 years of experience in d/s relationships. She is also an award-winning author who has written three “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twenty seven fiction books.

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

WordPress – https://dametylerrose.wordpress.com/

Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler

Instagram – https://www.instagram.com/tylerroseauthor/

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Sexualizing Your Dynamic

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From the time I was sexually active I was always surprised when I dated a girl who was as sexually active  and as horny as I was. I was raised in a home with a prude for a mother, and sex was never, ever  discussed. It was not as if sex was made to be bad or dirty, it just was never ever discussed. So, I grew  up very horny but not really aware of or clear about how girls saw, thought about or experienced sex.  My high school experience was mostly mashing with girls at parties. It was here that I had my first kiss  and felt up the breasts of one or two girls, and it wasn’t until I had almost graduated high school that I  had my first actual sexual encounters, close to 18 years of age. My early sex life was more of a hormone  driven desperate desire to ejaculate, than an exploration of sexuality. That only happened later.  

In college I got lots of pussy, and for the most part it was a continuation of my adolescence expressed as  20-year-old rookie vanilla sex. I had one secret weapon though. My older sister, who was nine years  older than me, once shared with me when I was perhaps 9 or 10 years old, that I “should always please  my lover before I please myself.” I didn’t really understand what she was on about, but even so, I took  that to heart and by and large, over time, I became adept at eating pussy and withholding my orgasm till  my lover climaxed. Then, in college, I dated my first serious girlfriend, Maryellen. She was a 25. I was 19.  She was very sexy and very sexual more than that, she was the first girl I dated that unabashedly  worshiped my cock. She loved sucking my cock, she took pictures of my erection on the beach, and she  really made me feel a little uncomfortable about how much she was into my cock. At the time, I was a  bit embarrassed about her obsession if I am honest. Looking back though, I can see how things might  have gone differently if I was more aware of my sexual power which only emerged for me later in life. I  went from girlfriend to girlfriend in college, until I eventually at 23, I dated, lived with and then married  my wife at age 26, and for those 3 years and the next 3 years our sex life was about the same as before –  uninspired vanilla sex. You might say that as regards my sex life, I had an almost certain predictable  future. Then at age 29 we started having kids and my sex life came to a sputtering halt. The future I was  living into changed entirely from boring and intermittent, to barely active at all as regards my sex life.  What this meant for me was that for about 20 years, I spent my nights lying in bed next to an otherwise  sexy blonde who was nursing and mothering her 4 kids, and who had no real interest in sex at all. I was  left to fantasize to porn magazines and movies I rented from Blue video, while I masturbated, imagining  a kinky submissive who loved sex as much as I did as my forever partner. It was the old Woody Allen  joke “the problem with my sex life is that it only involved one consenting adult.” I joke about it now, but  it really was painful. I suffered the loneliness that accidental celibacy produced for me. My “love  language” is “physical contact and genital sex.” Hers was “service”. We were as sexually compatible as  chalk and cheese are alike. Out of desperation, I found women from time to time to engage with  sexually, and through this process, I more or less interacted with my fantasy women “Submissive sluts  who worshiped my cock” by doing so. What made this difficult was that the women I encountered were  deeply sexual and so unlike my wife that I was ready to leave her time and time again. This was an  unsustainable condition. Naturally, my wife and I ended up getting divorced.  

After we separated, I set about deeply exploring my sexuality. And I found myself dating ever more kinky  women and I got to take a deep dive into my kinky fetishes. I found that I was into BDSM and I identified  naturally as a Top or Dom. I also found an outlet for me my sadistic nature in the world of sexuality. I  was genuinely surprised at the number of women I encountered who willingly and happily gave me their  consent. It was truly mind-blowing. 

I spent the next few years contemplating the women I was with, and what occurred for me was this. I  was searching for the “perfect partner” for me. I conjured up out of nothing the idea that I lived with a  collared submissive slut in 24/7 total power exchange. I created the possibility in my mind that such a partnership would result in a deeply loving and committed dynamic where we were sex forward and  kink forward and that she would choose me to be her Master gifting herself to me ongoingly, and that  inside of that dynamic, the intimacy that I had been missing my whole life would naturally occur.  

My intention was to collar my submissive slut and to live with her while as her full self-expression as a  completely sexualized 3-hole slut. What I mean by this is that without any effort, she authentically sees  herself as my imminently desirable, always available sexual creature who orgasms during impact play,  and has earth shattering, powerful orgasms, especially during anal play. I require her complete discipline  and devotion as a sexual creature and partner. I can happily report that Living with Lady Petra has been  and continues to be the fulfillment of this intention.  

The process of sexualizing my slut requires ongoing training and committed effort on my part to achieve  the desired outcome on a gradient. At the same time, my slut needs to be coachable, willing and  interested in being fully self-expressed in service to her Master as his owned and collared submissive  slut and masochist. In short, she belongs to me, and it is up to me to make sure that her service is  rewarded and encouraged. I am 100% responsible. At the same time, she is also 100% responsible for  creating the relationship on a daily basis. For example, she kneels for me in a perfect Nadu pose to  indicate that she is ready to be used. This is her choice.  

We had a conversation about sexualizing the dynamic on our podcast the Kinky Cocktail Hour – here is  an excerpt of that conversation:  

“SafferMaster:  

… that is what this podcast is about. Is this broader question of how do you sexualize a dynamic? And  this (wearing clit jewelry all day) is an example of how you sexualize a dynamic. What I mean by that is in  any relationship, sex can be something that happens between a couple regularly or intermittently and  life gets in the way in the middle. Right. And I can imagine certainly from my own experience, I imagine  from other people’s experience that oftentimes sex gets put to the side and in a dynamic where there’s  a power dynamic occurring of any sort or a D/s dynamic of any sort. The question is “how do you keep  the context of the dynamic sexual” and you, and I both believe in a healthy sexual context, we are in a  sex forward, kink forward dynamic, that was what we created, and in a healthy sexual dynamic, the  CONTEXT is sexual, it is not just the sex that is sexual.  

Lady Petra:  

Right, right. Oh, I mean, yes, there are all different things happening in a scene. However, I feel  throughout our scene-ing, it’s all sexualized. And I mean that because for me, if, if you’re flogging me,  I’m cumming.  

SafferMaster:  

Right. 

Lady Petra:  

And you’re usually stroking your cock and things like that. And when I’m caned, I’ve cum before and  then of course you in the way we do that as cane and then you fuck my ass, that kind of thing. And it  brings that context. So we just, we stay like really connected to that context all the time  

SafferMaster:  

In a scene.  

Lady Petra:  

Yes.  

SafferMaster:  

I’m arguing that there’s a broader context to our dynamic that’s sexualized.  

Lady Petra:  

Yeah. I agree. I agree with you.  

SafferMaster:  

And what I’m arguing is that there’s a way to keep the dynamic sexualized so that the sexual scenes are  [always] really exciting and hot and you don’t have … get up for them.  

Lady Petra:  

Well, I definitely think the way we foreplay.  

SafferMaster:  

yes, as an example,  

Lady Petra:  

All day long or two days ahead or whatever.  

SafferMaster:  

Yeah.  

Lady Petra:  

I think that’s a perfect example of creating, um, excitement and intensity and a readiness to in your head  versus not knowing what’s happening next. What there’s, this is one thing I noticed just based on the  dynamic we’ve created we’re sex forward. So we play all the time. 

SafferMaster:  

Yes.  

Lady Petra:  

You know, and, but we also have lives and work and stuff. So we tend to use the early part of our day to  wake up and to get going with our days. And there could be sexualization happening there, but that’s  kind of what’s happening. And then we save the latter part mid, mid to latter parts of our day as  sceneing.  

SafferMaster:  

Yeah.  

Lady Petra:  

You know, but in that whole day there’s sexualization. So if you think about it, you’re, you’re I get up  early before you, cause I need to go to the gym and I need to go do some stuff. And my work hours are a  lot earlier than yours. And so I get up and I do normal things, dynamic tasks, things, things that make me  responsible for myself wellbeing and for the households wellbeing, what have you. But then I send you a  picture of my marks,  

SafferMaster:  

Right  

Lady Petra:  

So that’s sexualizing, you know, you know what I’m saying? And lately we’ve added picture of my toes  and occasional add a picture of me kind of a fun, sexy type of picture with me right before we’ve even  been face-to-face in the morning.  

SafferMaster:  

Right.  

Lady Petra:  

And then, you know, of course we make time to be affectionate when we greet each other in the  morning, we don’t take that for granted that it just, who we are, you know? So we make sure to do that.  And then throughout the day, we’re both responsible for greetings and for acknowledgement in an  affectionate sexual way with one another,  

SafferMaster:  

right.  

Lady Petra: 

You also have given me tasks to do edging tasks or have explained when you go on your walk and I  prepare myself what you expect me to do to prepare,  

SafferMaster:  

right.  

Lady Petra:  

Uh, that may not be the normal thing we do. It would be additional stuff. Or if you have a specifics on  how you present yourself, you also then know there are times when you’re giving me freedom that you  don’t know what you’re going to come home to. You might come home to me appearing any way, any  which way, which is an excitement for you.  

SafferMaster:  

Sure.  

Lady Petra:  

You know, you going on your walk, knowing I’m getting prepared is sexualizing that time that you’re  away.  

SafferMaster:  

It’s very difficult to have a walk, try to listen to my book knowing that you are home getting prepared ..,  I’m going to get home to a horny slut, presenting herself to be used. It’s hot.  

Lady Petra:  

Yeah.”  

In this back and forth, you can see that my collared slut is all in. She is 100% committed to the dynamic.  She has been trained to present herself, she has been trained to cum with flogging and caning. She is a  trained ass whore. She does as instructed in order to please me sexually. For example, when she kneels  for her flogging, she arches her back and presents her ass and leans into the flogger. She may get 300 or 400 strokes and she is dripping wet with her juices running down her legs having experienced multiple  orgasms, and her ass is red hot after her flogging. Because I like fucking her red-hot ass, she likes having  her ass red hot for me to fuck. She is fully enrolled and registered into her role as my collared submissive  slut and all that that entails.  

Keeping the context sexualized had not only enhanced our relationship, but it has kept our dynamic healthy too. Take this text exchange last week  

Me: I think today would be a good day to wear your clit Jewelry  

LP: Thank you Sir 

Me: And while you are at it, use the Hitachi every 30 minutes on your swollen clit to make yourself cum 

LP: Yes Sir, thank you Sir  

She then sent me a message every 30 minutes to let me know she had completed the task she was  assigned. On occasion I went into the adjacent room to kiss her and fondle her breast while she  masturbated with the Hitachi. By the time I used her later that day , she was a “soupy mess” as she put it.  

Remember, I spent over 30 years in a relationship where there was no broader context to keep the  sexual aspect of our relationship present and alive, and now, I live in a D/s dynamic where the context is  fully sexualized all the time.  

She is a service slut, so part of what fills her cup is to serve. She is fastidious and committed to making  our home beautiful. She supports my cheffy nature by being my sous chef and by keeping the kitchen  clean. All of this “domestic activity” plays into her nature as a service sub and on top of that she is  deeply submissive to me and chooses me to submit to.  

My self-expression as her Dom includes a commitment to keeping the dynamic highly charged with  sexual energy. It is working out perfectly.  

When I look at how I spent the 30 years before I met her as compared to the time since I created this  dynamic with her, it is shocking to consider that this highly charged sexual dynamic was always within  my grasp, and at the same time, just out of reach the whole time. It was really the absence of a willing  partner to make it all come together.  

Today, my view is that sexualizing their dynamic is the most worthwhile step a couple can take to bring their dynamic fully into alignment.  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and  personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching  out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on  all podcast platforms

How is Old School BDSM Different from New Wave Practices?

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As far as sexual desires and fantasies go, BDSM is considered one of the more popular choices (thanks, 50 shades!) From bondage to discipline and erotic practices, it takes many forms. While BDSM dating proves to be extremely fulfilling, it’s evolved with the changes in dating and lifestyles in general. However, the changes come in the form of new wave practices, but what is the difference between old school BDSM and new wave practices?

Does Old School BDSM Still Remain in the Community?

Bondage dating might have changed as the ideas and minds of people have changed with society. Despite this, there are many people who are still following the old traditions of bondage dating of one partner unquestionably dominating the other. There’s no denying that the new, more humane forms of this fetish provide new opportunities for people to explore their needs in a way that gives them a level of control that differs from traditional relationships or fetishes.

Some modern, younger people might consider old-school BDSM quite brutal in some respects. The boundaries are pushed to their limits, but both participants understand what they’re getting themselves involved in. The strict rules are followed and obeyed, too, giving no room for movement in the submissive partner. Once the rules were implemented, they were understood and taken at face value, proving that old-school BDSM really did go that much further. Some might consider BDSM a fetish that goes too far, especially when considering the older rules and boundaries.

Furthermore, there was no give and take when it came to the submissive’s rights to change something. Once the rules are agreed upon, the dominant partner ensures that they are followed, which means that the submissive partner has to do as they are told. What this means is that the experience takes the old-fashioned route, and no changes are made. However, times have changed, and with most things in life, a new wave of BDSM has emerged.

What Embodies the New Wave and the Reasons for its Emergence?

We now live in a more accepting and understanding world whereby people have more rights and views when exploring new things. This is particularly true when it comes to BDSM. Culture plays a significant role in shaping kinks because more people are connecting like never before. This means that a greater level of acceptance and understanding is required to ensure that specific boundaries are not crossed. This has caused a new wave of BDSM to emerge.

However, while men once had dominance over women, we live in an equal society where this way of thinking is no longer apparent. Therefore, taking care of partners from a psychological aspect is crucial because mental health is now an important part of our lifestyle. Let’s imagine the situation: someone could be intrigued by a particular kink and want to try it out, but the whole experience leaves them struggling with mental issues. This has meant that aftercare forms an important aspect of new wave practices after sex. As this fetish can really become rough and brutal, taking care of partners really is important. It’s not about a lack of care because, during the experience, it’s about fulfilling needs, but once it has ended, people are required to check on partners to ensure they’re safe, well, and feel at ease with the overall experience.

Despite this, the arrangement becomes more formal when you meet guys and gals who practice new, modern BDSM. The understanding of boundaries, pain thresholds, and what’s morally right or wrong is a prominent feature of BDSM in a modern world. This means that people are now openly discussing the arrangements prior to partaking in kinks involving domination and pain. This involves discussing what’s expected, what’s going to happen, and what to expect. This discussion before embarking on a journey of BDSM is vital to ensure that both partners enjoy the experience. The conversation doesn’t end there because it also takes place during the arrangement. This gives both people the opportunity to inform each other of their concerns or wishes, which can work to enhance the experience or slow things down. Of course, stop words and safe words are also a part of this arrangement because of cultural differences, boundaries, and what people are fully comfortable with. Safewords are designed to give people control over how far things should go. If the situation evolves to a point where it becomes something more, then the stop words can be used to bring the experience to an end. All of these things are new wave practices that have now become a part of BDSM in a modern world.

BDSM has changed, but that’s expected given the society that we live in. New wave practices are considered safer and provide more control of both partners’ situation, which is no bad thing as that can mean that things become a lot more enjoyable.

Linda Raley is a Psychology Faculty student, a freelance writer on sex and relationships, and a relationship beginner psychologist-consultant.

An Inside Look At Pet Play

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It has been nearly two years since the first time Master called me Pig.

We were sitting in a Leather class at a local convention and the Leatherman teaching the class introduced both himself and his wife/slave (who could not attend for health reasons).  He explained that she was his girl and she identified as a Pig.

Naturally, someone asked why.

His answer still rings in my ears today. “Because she squeals when I hit her.”  He laughed.  He said that was their favorite response to the question.  I do not remember most of his definition of why she identified as a pig.  I remember key words.  Tenacity.  Durability. Loyalty.

Master did not hesitate in leaning over and whispering in my ear that it sounded like me.  In an instant, I was blushing, and I hid my face in his shoulder, shaking my head slightly.  I was embarrassed.  

Each time he brought it up that weekend, I adamantly refused him.  

When I finally accepted his new name for me, I corrected him.  I am not a pig.  I will never be a pig.  But I would happily, and bashfully, be his piggie.

There are two defining reasons for this distinction.  

Growing up, my Great Graa and Graa (short for grandmother) were my best friends.  For the first eight years of my life, I spent more time with them than my parents.  They referred to our trio as the “Pig Women.”  While I was never told why Great Graa gave us that nickname, it is still something I hold dear.  It is also something I choose to keep separate from the darker side of my kink journey.

The second are my own experiences growing up.  

I am not a traditional beauty.  I have, only in recent years, come to accept that I am beautiful in my own way.  I have never been desired by anyone who did not use me for their own gain.  I was bullied, lied to, manipulated, used, and abused by those I had chosen to trust as friends.  I have spent my life overweight.  I have struggled through eating disorders, self- harm, and mental disorders.  I have continually shied away from anything that negatively related to any of those struggles.  For me, the term Pig has ugly connotations that refer to my weight struggles and my non-traditional looks.  It is a time of my life I am not eager to relive.

Throughout my journey in kink, I have discovered strengths in myself that I never thought possible.  I found I could take heavy impact play.  In fact, I craved it.  I adopted the term masochist to define my love and craving for such rough play.

I reveled in making people cringe when they watched us play.

But it wasn’t until Master introduced me to humiliation and degradation play that I found my place.

Where I could take a beating quietly, and I could banter back to tease him, humiliation would reduce me to tears in a matter of minutes.  The first time we delved into it as the main part of play, He thought he broke me.  The scene lasted about ten minutes.  The aftercare took more than a half hour.  

The end of that scene found me kneeling, unable to speak, tears rolling down my cheeks, and unaware of anything around me, including the presence of Master.

I have never felt more liberated than I had after that.  My demons felt less oppressive and my mood was lighter.

From that point, we have pushed against all of my perceived boundaries.  We use my fears to amplify the intensity of a scene.  We take my insecurities, and he criticizes me for them in play.  He has taught me that when I kiss his boots to end said scene, the insecurities stay there.  By adding them to play, they plague me less in my everyday life.

I have found a deep love of foot and boot worship.  I find it relaxing and arousing, and absolutely humiliating.  Worship has the flexibility to allow me to play sensually just as easily as I play rough.  For example, kissing his boots to end a scene is comforting.  It allows me to reconnect with Master.  Removing his boots after a long day of work reminds me of my place.  Polishing his boots allows me to care for him and show my pride in my service.  Yet, licking the dirt from his boots as he degrades my skills, both arouses and breaks me.  It makes me try harder, push more, and lose myself in our play.  

What I find most ironic, is that I can explain the humiliation I have willingly suffered, but the idea of expressing what piggie means to me, has left me struggling to put the thoughts to paper.

So, let me start back at the beginning.

As I said, I was embarrassed.  But I was also confused.

I am not, nor will I ever be, a pet.

Master is not, nor will he ever be, a handler or an owner.

So, how then, could I be a pig and yet not be a pet?

Pet play is when someone roleplays as a domesticated animal.

I do not find this definition to be all encompassing, just based on the pets I do know.  For them, pet play is also a headspace.  This is where they often take on the characteristics of the animals they relate to.  For example, the kittens tend to enjoy curling up, purring, being petted, meowing, etc.  They may have their ability to talk restricted since “animals do not speak English.”  Some enjoy being placed on a leash and playing with toys.

The first time I was introduced to pet play, it involved Pony Play.  Specifically, it involved “Show Ponies.”  Then I was introduced to Puppies.  Then Kittens.  At this point, I have met foxes, bunnies, and even a lizard.  You truly can be whatever you wish to be.  

**For reference, I was introduced through friends.  I did not partake in the activities myself.

Most often, Pet Play varies from animal to animal.  

Let’s look at the most common animals: Ponies, Puppies, and Kittens.

Ponies, for example, tend to work on their walks (such as cantering).  But even this varies.  Some ponies are trained to pull carts.  Sometimes their trainer rides the carts and sometimes it is for labor purposes.  Ponies are one animal that undergo more formal training than other animals.  

For example, when leading a pony, a trainer should stand on the left of them, with a 12-18in gap of lead between them, to lead the pony.  This is similar to the etiquette of leading a bio-horse.  Keeping the lead slack if the pony is behaving and tightening it when they disobey.  A sharp tug can stop an errant pet in their tracks.

If you are teaching them “tying,” the process reflects teaching a puppy to stay.  A ground tie simply means your pony has reigns and/or lead on but is able to remain standing at a point you have left them without requiring them to be tied to a post so they do not wander off.  

It starts with a proper stance. The pony should stand squarely, his weight distributed evenly on both legs.  His front hooves and fore hooves should be hanging straight down.  His head should be held up, his back should be straight, and he should remain looking ahead of him.  Once he has mastered the stance, the trainer will slowly work on teaching them to stay.  Depending on the pony, this can be a lengthy process.  Positive reinforcement is the recommended way to train but a good swat on the ass if they aren’t listening never went awry.  You may wander a few feet after telling them to stay.  If they do as you have instructed, you should move back to them and then reward them.  You can give them a treat, pet them, and/or tell them what a “good boy” they are.  If they have disobeyed, pick your poison for correction.  It could be a tug on the reigns, a verbal reprimand, or a swat to the ass.  Repeat this process, moving a little further each time, until they have demonstrated their understanding of the command.

The Ground tie training helps with the next step of training.  Ponies are expected to be able to stand still for longer periods of time (i.e. more than fifteen minutes).  Fidgeting, pulling, or pawing is considered undesirable.  A pony should be able to sink into their identity and hold themselves with calm confidence.  The best I can describe it as is a deep meditative state.  

Pony training is a long process that requires a deep love and dedication to your desired role.

Puppies tend to be very enthusiastic, play fetch, and tend to be social.  I have had a little more interaction with puppies than I have ponies.  They are my personal favorites.  I find the happy energy that puppies exude to be contagious and I find there to be a little more freedom in their interactions with outsiders.  I am also a sucker for a cute puppy and do so love to pet them (with their and their owner’s consent).  

Puppy play is often a direct reflection of what a bio-dog likes.  Most puppies enjoy playing fetch.  They enjoy tug of war and catch. They love being petted, belly rubs, and, of course, treats.  I find puppies to be exceedingly loyal as well.

They can be trained with commands through the use of German words (as Service dogs are trained), sign language or hand signals, or through the native language of the pup.

Puppy play varies from person to person.  It depends on what they enjoy, disabilities the pup may have, opportunity to play, and so forth.

Kittens are far more introverted and tend to be calmer. In our local community, we have eight people who identify as kittens.  The leading theme is that they also identify as littles and brats.  While these identities are not mutually exclusive, in my experience, they often intermingle. From what I have been told, the mindsets are similar.

I find that kittens and puppies also tend to have behavior corrected with BDSM-related discipline.  

Let’s break this down a little bit further:

The wider umbrella term of this kink is called “Animal Play.”  The definition is the same as Pet play, but it tends to refer to non-domesticated animals.  Cows and Pigs fall under this type of play.

A furry fetish refers to an interest in animals with human-like tendencies and features. Indulging in this fetish might involve drawing these characters, wishing to become them, or interacting with other furries in online communities.

Although often mistaken as such, Primal play is not inherently animal play.  It revolves around getting in touch with your baser, and more animalistic, instincts.  While I have met some who relate to animals, such as wolves, it is more about power than being an animal.

Each of these sub-categories can include sexual aspects.  It is purely up to the negotiations and consent of those involved on whether sex is included or not.

Then there is Piggie.

Piggie is born of humiliation.  

I talk about her as though she is a separate being.  Because, in my mind, she is.

Piggie has her own headspace.  It isn’t animalistic to me.  It is a quiet headspace.  It makes it difficult for me to speak with words and I am often reduced to a low whining sound, from the back of my throat.  I find that the boundaries of my limits blur so heavily, I struggle to remember that they exist. While Piggie prefers to crawl, there is no limit to standing or sitting.  

When we started this, Master only called me it occasionally in an effort to embarrass me.  He said my reaction was cute when he brought it up.  This was not limited to in-person teasing.  He would often tease me through text as well, and it was no less impactful.

Then it showed up in a scene.

It is hard to remember exactly how it happened.  But sometime during our play, he referred to me as his piggie.

Later on, I asked him why.  He wasn’t sure.  He said it felt right in the moment.  Slowly, over that next year, the name would appear more and more.

I asked again.

He said it was because I am always “down to get dirty.”  When I asked for clarification, he said that I had little inhibitions when it came to play.  Whatever he wanted to try, no matter how humiliating or ‘dirty,’ I would whole-heartedly explore.

I considered it a compliment at that point.  

Then came the oink.

During one of our scenes, maybe 9 months ago, he ordered me to oink for him.  For those of you who read my stories, you can imagine what happened.  I stared him down, in complete silence, and I pursed my lips.  I silently refused to oblige him.

So, he pushed me.  He put my body through impact that was meant to break my resolve.  Without a word, I knew that I was either going to oink or safeword by the end of that scene.  I just had to figure out which option I was taking.

Over time, “oink” has become a safeword on its own, at least to me.  We have scenes now that do not end until I utter that word.  While it has never actually replaced my safeword, I know that when I have to choose between “oink” or “Red”, I will always utter “oink.”   

**It is important that I specify that we have never negotiated oink as a safeword.  The feeling of it is solely based around how I feel in the moment.  Making me oink is a form of humiliation, especially because I struggle so hard against it.  As with anything, there are exceptions to the rule.  We have continued play after I utter the word.  He has had me utter it over and over and over again, just to see me curl in on myself in embarrassment.

I have discovered that pushing myself to the point of oinking fucks with my head.  It strips me of my humanity.  It reinforces my natural reactions in subspace.

I am one who gets exceedingly quiet during play.  The further I get into subspace, the worse it gets.  It has been an on-going process to learn to answer Master verbally, in and out of play.  But, once I move into service mode, I stay quiet.  By the time I hit subspace, I lose the ability to speak at all.  It is as though I have forgotten how.  I stop understanding English.  I forget my own name.  I lose the ability to safeword at all.  

Master says I become catatonic.

Except, I can still be of service.  I can continue to function on autopilot and meet Master’s needs, but I cannot do it independently and of sound mind.  There have been many times that he has had to call the scene when I hit that point.  My trust in his ability to take care of me is infallible.  That is what allows us to explore such extreme mind fuckery without fear of permanent repercussions.

I explored pet play because that’s where everything leads.  When you look up “pig” or “piggie,” you either end up with pet play or food play as a result.  Neither of these fits what I am.

So, now I get to ask you the same questions I asked myself.

How can I be a piggie, if I am not a pet?

The answer is easier to express now.  It is because being a piggie is simply who I am.  The attributes I have given her are a part of me.  

I do not need to take on the roles of the animal itself.

I do not need gear (though we are exploring the absolute humiliation that occurs when I shake my 8-inch springy tail).  My talking is never restricted, nor is my ability to walk. 

 Being Piggie is not a headspace that I must achieve.  

Piggie just is.

She thrives in my humiliation the degradation of my everyday self.  She sets out to please, by any means necessary.  She has little in the way of reservations and finds pleasure in watching my inhibitions disappear.

Piggie is born from a desire to be humiliated and degraded by Master. Piggie is…Me.

My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

The Fallacy Of Consent Defense

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But They Said Yes!! – The Fallacy of Consent as a Legal Defense

Consent is a cornerstone of Kink and BDSM. So much so it has been ingrained in how we talk about play since the 80’s when Safe, Sane, and Consensual was coined. But what are we consenting to if we do not really understand all the risks? One of those risks is legal. What are we up against if things go terribly wrong?

If you are the type that is just into a little slap and tickle, you probably have nothing to worry about. But if you are thinking about getting into heavy play, or are playing heavy already, keep reading. 

Since BDSM and Kink have come more into the mainstream in the last decade, the light shown on what we do has become immense, and not all of it good. In fact, if you include the Hollywood portrayals of our lifestyle it has been somewhat damaging to the community. Public opinion is still very mixed, and the majority out there still have a limited understanding of BDSM, or worse, completely the wrong idea. 

This public attitude toward our lifestyle is reflected in the courts. 

What is a Consent Defense?

According to University of Minnesota Law School, a consent defense is when the accused claims they have the consent of the alleged victim. But for it to work, it has to meet several criteria:

  1. Consent was given knowingly and willingly by a person who could legally give it.
  2. In most jurisdictions consent can only work as a defense to a crime in the case of sexual conduct.
  3. The alleged crime does not result in serious bodily injury or death. (definition of serious bodily injury varies by state)

We must be able to claim the person consented, the act was sexual in nature, and it did not result in serious bodily injury. Which might work, if things have not gone horribly wrong, such as broken bones, near asphyxiation, lacerations, heavy bleeding etc. All of which are potential risks for heavy players. Again, risk is the driver here. The bigger the risk you take in play, the more likely things will go badly, and the less likely consent will be a defense you can use.

Will a Consent Defense work for me?

I would not count on it. There have been many legal opinions handed down at the federal level which have all but made the consent defense impossible to use in a case where Kink and BDSM are involved. In the United States harming another person is considered to be a crime, regardless of how the harm came to be. A person cannot legally give their consent to a criminal act. 

The notable cases which have gone against consent as a defense date back to the People v. Samuels (1967) in a California case where Martin Samuels after his consent defense was rejected by the court was convicted of assault for participating in a film which included a BDSM scene. (Crim. No. 5577. First Dist., Div. Two. Apr. 28, 1967./ 250 Cal. App. 2d 504). To more recently Doe v. Rector and Visitors to George Mason University where the court ruled there is no constitutional right to engage in BDSM. If that is the case, then there are no legal defenses to it either. In fact, the opinion of the court stated, 

“Sexual activity that involves binding and gagging or the use of physical force such as spanking or choking poses certain inherent risks to personal safety not present in more traditional types of sexual activity. Thus, as in Cruzan v. Glucksberg, a legislative restriction on BDSM activity is justifiable by reference to the state’s interest in the protection of vulnerable persons, i.e. sexual partners placed in situations with an elevated risk of harm.

Accordingly, consistent with the logic of Lawrence, plaintiff has no constitutionally protected and judicially enforceable fundamental liberty interest un the Due Process Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment to engage in BDSM activity.”  (United States District Court for the Eastern District of Virginia, Alexandria Division, Case No. 1:15-cv-209)

Not only is the court stating you have no constitutional rights pertaining to BDSM, the court asserts a state has the potential ability to restrict it, or even criminalize it if they deem it in the interest of public welfare.

The current trend is not getting better for BDSM legally, at least not on the federal level. Unfortunately, it is case law like this which will be referenced in the future should we find ourselves being tried by a jury of our “peers.”

Marriage and Domestic Partnership can complicate things even more:

We would think being in a loving, trusting union might shield us somewhat. It probably does to some extent as far as our partner is concerned. However, most states in the US can charge someone with domestic abuse regardless of whether the, “victim,” is cooperative or not. Medical providers are mandatory reporters, as well as other professionals, and if they see what they believe to be signs of abuse, they are legally obligated to report them.

Is there light at the end of the legal tunnel?

There has been headway on the legal front. Several states, such as New Jersey, have added laws to their books which may not alleviate criminal charges altogether, but reduce them so the penalties are not as severe. (Everyday Health Is BDSM Legal in US and Other Places, Sept. 19, 2019, Julie Marks)

There are also organizations which are working hard to lobby for more kink friendly laws. However, support for them is limited. (here is my no to subtle pitch) If you care about the lifestyle and kink, get involved with one. It does not have to be out in the open, it could be a five-dollar donation. Small bits of help add up to moving mountains, as long as we all get involved.

What do we do to protect ourselves?

Know the law where you live. If you are going to engage in risky behavior, have an idea of the penalties for it and what the legal downside is. Do some research in your local area to see if there are kink friendly professionals who provide services. Lawyers, doctors, mental health professionals etc. They are much less likely to report something they understand as not being abusive. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (ncsfreedom.org) has populated a database where kink friendly professionals can register. It is not a golden egg, but it is a start.

Refrain from playing intoxicated or impaired. Whether it be a legal, prescribed, or an illegal substance, it does not matter. Our judgment can be severely impaired making safety a serious concern and, legally, we cannot give consent if we are impaired.

For the new or less initiated, do not play with people you do not know well and trust. All it takes is someone you barely know getting their feelings bent out of shape and off they go to show their newly acquired bruises to their favorite law enforcement officer. For the love of Pete…. do not play with random strangers you do not know at all.

Get first aid training. No, it does not cover the big stuff, but you can possibly prevent some small injuries, from becoming serious ones. Marks happen, know wound and welt care to prevent them from becoming a significant injury.

Know what you are doing so you can play as safely as possible. If you are into rope, get yourself to rope classes. If whips excite you, click the red x in the corner of your screen, close Youtube, and find someone in your community who really knows the skills and safety which goes with it. Pick an implement or type of play, the advice is the same. Get real mentorship and/or training from a reputable source. Online is great, but it generally only scratches the surface.

Unless you are a very light player, try not to buy ultra-cheap gear. I have seen more than one submissive get serious splinters from a budget paddle disintegrating on their rear end; a cane end go flying into an audience; or rope lose its bite creating a dangerous constriction.

The last bit of advice is take it slow and have fun. I do not want to scare the pants off everyone, but you should learn the risks, even the legal ones, which go with play. Take your time and learn your craft. In the process you will develop relationships with people you can trust and who trust you. 

Oh…. Did I say…HAVE FUN!

TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to several online educational groups such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; and the Virtual Munch. His writing includes information on self-improvement, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics and power exchange, and safety. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for nearly three decades. He can be found on Fetlife at TAC_1.

How Do Submissives “Enjoy” Physical and/or Emotional Discomfort?

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

This entry, I’d like to share some thoughts from a FetLife conversation that revolved around the notion  that submissives “Enjoy” punishment, pain, and denial…and the question of how they deal with doing  something they don’t really enjoy. 

I brought up the point that I’ve shared here in previous columns in Kinkweekly: That feeling compelled  to do (or endure) something you normally wouldn’t, forces the submissive to rationalize why they are  allowing it (or going along with it) …and that the popular rationalization is that they are out of control  and under the command of their partner – that they are “Forced” to accept the discomfort. This serves to build the façade of power that allows both partners to obfuscate the reality of consent and enjoy  their dynamic despite the continued existence of free-will. 

I’ve used this point to argue why punishment isn’t actually the most effective tool in changing behavior  in submissives, since, although the submissive might dislike the punishment itself, they crave the  concept that their partner has the authority to punish them. The more distasteful the punishment, the  greater the perceived authority of the dominant, the more ‘enjoyment’ for the submissive. Obviously  counter-productive to actual behavior modification. 

During the conversation, one friend, who goes by the auspicious username of 000-298-237 (his friends  call him ‘7’…jk ) posted an interesting point of view regarding the use of the word ‘enjoyment’. With  his permission, I’m quoting him here: 

“Enjoy” has become a difficult word over the years. There is a great deal that goes  on, no matter the relationship or the context, that isn’t “enjoyable”. I still do things. 

I have pursued the craft of blacksmithing for more than two decades now. There is a  saying “Blacksmithing without burns is like expecting to swim without getting wet.”  I’ve had my share of burns, thankfully, through care and luck I’ve not had any that  required serious medical attention. I did reach the place where I let the burn sizzle so  as to not spoil the weld. (It’s not masochism in such circumstances, trust me.) I  haven’t stopped my smithing due to burns. I do not enjoy burns. Particularly the ones  on the inside of the hand where there is no nursing them if the work needs to continue. I still don’t stop smithing. 

About the same time, I came to hear “swimming without getting wet” I was in about  my third year of chastity with a full belt. (A Goenthals for the curious.) That’s when  “enjoy” started becoming an awkward word. “You must really enjoy chastity to be in  that belt so much.” Most were surprised to hear me say “no”. And later, “‘Enjoy’ has  nothing to do with it, but it’s not a hair shirt, either.” The side that gets little press  about such things is the work of it. It wasn’t discomfort or denial. Even if it had become easy routine, the level of maintenance of belt and body requires dedication  and effort. I’d explain this. 

“But if you don’t enjoy it, why do you do it?” My reasons were several, and several  were my own. It was not completely the whim and insistence of a Superior, and even  when it was it wasn’t about what either of us “enjoyed”. Most of my specific reasons  I don’t care to share here. Really, the specific reasons aren’t germaine. 

“I appreciate it.” 

Changing one word makes a world of difference, at least for me. My world has a lot  of joy in it. My relationships have had a great deal of joy too. Sometimes the greatest joy has come when there was the least to be enjoyed. Maybe it’s age, but even younger I was little moved to do something simply because I might enjoy it.  That’s for decisions like “I think I’ll pick up a candy bar when I stop for gas and milk.  I’ll enjoy the ride home a little more with a candy bar to munch on.” 

There’s much I don’t enjoy in service or submission. There’s much I don’t enjoy about  being a father, or when I was a husband, or sub, or slave, or employee, or employer.  I’ve appreciated and more than appreciated all of that. My love and appreciation has  not diminished when dealing with dirty diapers or the considerably greater quantities of manure a horse can produce. I can’t say I’ve enjoyed the blood or vomitus or any of the several other less than pleasant substances and experiences of  tending to people who are ill. I still do it. And I appreciate them, and the relationship,  and the circumstances and environment and more. I’m profoundly grateful for them. 

Joy does not mean enjoy. 

I love this last phrase, “Joy does not mean enjoy”. In a nutshell, this is it. We can like the fact that we  do things, even though we don’t like the things we’re doing. The price we pay for joy often comes at the  cost of ‘enjoy’. Submissives derive pleasure from unpleasurable things…it’s not a paradox…it’s a fact of  natural human life. We all have experienced this. 

At the end of the day, power dynamics are just extensions of our other natural desires. There isn’t  anything unique or puzzling about sacrifice for devotion and caring. We can find pleasure in enduring  the unpleasurable. “Love hurts”.  

I found this an interesting perspective and wanted to share it with you. I Hope you find it thought-provoking as well! 

 Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

D/s Protocols

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Being a kinkster is as unique as a random dot on a page. What do I mean by that? If you think of the world of kink as represented by a sheet of paper. On one axis you have the range of fetishes and on the  other axis you have the range of intensities. If I look at my world of kink, the fetishes I am into and you  look at the intensity level of my kink life, you will be able to put a coin about the size of a silver dollar  over my preferences somewhere on the page.  

Take protocols. In simple terms, a protocol is defined as “a system of rules that explain the correct  conduct and procedures to be followed in formal situations” I am not motivated to have my submissive  do tasks for the sake of doing tasks. And at the same time, our life, in a 24/7 TPE dynamic, we have a  number of protocols in our life. Some are simple, for example, when my submissive goes off to work,  she wears a butt plug as a way of keeping me with her, and she is required to send me a good morning  message with a picture of her ass, butt plug inserted. This is especially true for us after marking her, she  is required to send me pictures of her marks every day. That is a protocol. Something I have asked her to  do for me as a matter of routine. I never have to ask her to send me a picture of her marks, our protocol is  that she just does so after being marked as a matter of protocol. And she sends me a message via  WeMinder (which I will talk more about in a minute) that she completed her task or duty.  

There are other Dom’s who have similar but different protocols that they have designed for their  preferred lifestyle. I interviewed a Dom who has his sub wash him in the shower and then she kneels  with his towel presented to him as he steps out of the shower. It is a simple gesture of submission, and  similarly to my sub, his sub does so as a matter of protocol without being asked.  

Some dynamics are extremely high protocol. To the point that the sub has to have permission to do  anything, including go to the bathroom. The degree of how intense the protocol dynamics are depend  on the needs of the partners and they must determine what works for them.  

Even though my submissive is collared, and even though this is TPE and a 24/7 dynamic, we actually  have numerous protocols that we have chosen to live with. Before I say more about that, I want to talk  about an app called WeMinder. This is an app that we use to track the protocols we have in play. We  interviewed Mako, the developer of the app on our podcast, Kinky Cocktail Hour, that you can listen to here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/962578/episodes/6206590.

Using this app, my submissive logs her  tasks and chores as she completes them, and it allows me to offer her feedback from praise to scolding,  and even punishment. She can also share her mood with me at any time and know instantly that I am  aware of how she is feeling. It’s a fantastic app for D/s couples who are protocol oriented. You can get  the app by visiting weminder.app and I recommend it highly and it’s very reasonably priced.  

When we engage in what we call “High Protocol” days, my submissive prepares for use the way she  normally does, she is a three hole slut and she is fully prepared for a prolonged scene. When she kneels for me, which is how she presents herself to be used, she offers up a cane for marking. Normally she  offers me her leash to attach to her collar, but in high protocol days, she gets chained with a heavy chain  before she is used and marked. During high protocol days, she is limited to being on all fours during play  and she is required to ask for cane strokes after her initial marking.  

Her tasks and chores are both designed to fulfill on her role as a service slut on one hand and on her  sexual submission inside of a sex forward, kink forward dynamic. Our daily maintenance spanking scene is a protocol. When I get into bed in the evening, she puts her head on my chest and cups my balls while  we talk about our day and the final act of our dynamic that lives in the world of protocol is that when it’s  time, she rolls over and we spoon and I take hold her breast, holding her close as we fall asleep. My  point is that start to finish, our days are filled with protocols. We divide the protocols into two broad  categories: Tasks and Chores. Tasks are things I might randomly task her with doing and that might be as  different as having her masturbate with the Hitachi every 30 minutes, or to do certain routine things for  me such as sending me a picture of her marks. Chores related to her duties around the house.  

Protocols live in the world of agreements. On one hand they are designed to give structure to the  dynamic and on the other, they are a natural evolution of a power exchange. My preference is to have  the protocols occur because they fulfill her desires, so to implement a new protocol, we talk about it  first, and I enroll her in the possibility that the protocol creates and then she does what I have requested  but she does so because it is what she wants to do.  

There is a very wide range of protocol implementation strategies in kink. It can be a very minor part of  your dynamic if that is what you prefer, or it can be the entirety of your dynamic if that is what you  prefer. I am going to make the observation that even in vanilla relationships there are protocols. For  instance when I was married, my ex-wife used to bring me coffee on a Sunday morning while I watched  soccer in bed. I came to expect this and it occurred routinely for years. I never asked her to do this, she  just started doing this small thing for me that made our lives more manageable. The way that that small  act occurred was that it was a loving action that made me feel appreciated even for just that moment. It  was indeed a protocol that existed during my vanilla marriage. My point is that spoken or unspoken we  operate with protocols all around us, the difference is that in a kink context, communication is the key  difference. A protocol is an agreement to do x or y, which requires that the Dom and sub are in  communication.  

Being in a dynamic is a power exchange. The sub surrenders his or her power to their Dom and then it is  up to the Dom to exercise that power appropriately. The sub wants to please. It is through protocols  that the Dom communicates to the sub what is expected and required for that behavior to land as  “pleasing” to the Dom. The sub knows where they stand. They know what is needed and expected. If  they are committed to the dynamic, then they will fulfill the protocols. If there is space or distance  and the protocols start to break down, then it gives the Dom something to address to get at the root of the upset.  

I keep making this point: our kink is really communication. We talk about our dynamic almost every day.  We plan, revisit, debrief, dream, vision share, and so on. The reason our protocols are in place is  because we have made a series of agreements around our dynamic.  

A good place to start is to sit down facing each other and do this drill. One partner asks the other partner  what they want done to them and then asks what they want to do to you, and then switch roles. Take  notes and then use those notes to talk about each of those ideas and make agreements about those  that make sense to you to implement into your dynamic.  

A D/s power exchange works best for all concerned when the communication is clean. We have a  commitment to each other to allow no space between us. We are each responsible for keeping that  structure in our dynamic and we have found, as will you, that the use of protocols keeps the dynamic humming along.

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground 

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms

Introducing WeMinder – Kinky Cocktail Hour
In this episode, Lady Petra and SafferMaster chat with Mako, the developer of a new killer app for kinksters called “WeMinder” that enhances communication on both sides of the slash in any D/s dynamic. Over an Elderflower Martini. You can find the…
Buzzsprout

Above is a link to their podcast!

Interview With Mira O’Hart

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  1. How did you get into writing? What draws you to writing erotica?

I’ve always loved writing and language. It appeals to me that there are so many options in how to express something. I began writing this novel as a teen. It didn’t have its current form then; it was a compilation of short stories in my journal. It was a way of expressing thoughts and feelings that I didn’t have another way to express.

  1. Do you identify as kinky in your personal life?

Currently I identify as a Sadomasochist. I’m drawn to multiple aspects of BDSM and have enjoyed scenes as a top and bottom and had a long term BDSM relationship.

  1. If so, how does this affect your writing?

I think the fact that I have ‘played’ and felt and used the implements that I write about makes my work more authentic than a writer who has never had these experiences. For instance, someone who has never enjoyed a single-tail may assume they cause only pain, whereas I know they can bring immense pleasure in the right hands and when that person is finished with you- you’re thrilled to be a pile of goo at their feet. It’s this sensation I want to put across when aaron first meets his Master.

  1. What do you feel are the things that make great works of erotica?

I think for the reader to find the scene ‘hot’ the writer has to first find it hot. My work tends to have a lot of M/m with BDSM elements but not a lot of explicit sex or graphic depictions. Why? Because the chaining and beating and groveling are what does it for me. There are only two actual ‘sex’ scenes in the book, because, for me, sex is not the focus.

  1. Do you feel that erotica must always come across as ethical? Why or why not?

No. Readers need to exert their own judgement there. Some fantasies can be dark. In consensual BDSM scenes we negotiate them out and keep everyone safe. In a fictional world with fictional characters a writer can be free to take the reader on a more extreme ride. Is this the same as what we would actually want done to us? Perhaps not, but it’s great creative fuel for a fun consensual scene later. 

  1. What projects are you currently working on?

I am currently working on book two of the series. When I need a break, I have another less developed piece that I play with. It may become a novel someday.

  1. Besides being a writer, what would you like our readers to know what about you?

 I don’t fit well in any box. I’m a wiccan, I’m homoflexible, I am kind and loving and I’m a conservative. It’s terrifying to say that in today’s world, because you instantly get hated. I love animals. I have two cats I adore. I can’t wait for Covid to be over so that I can travel again or take in a museum or Broadway show. I’m fortunate to have a great family and friends, and I am still hoping to find a long- term lifestyle relationship (fingers crossed). 

  1. Where can our readers find you online?

I’m on Fetlife frequently; I use Mira O’Hart as my profile name.

  1. What would you say is your overall mission regarding your work?

To give life and expression to my characters. It was so fulfilling to publish book one. It’s an amazing feeling that people around the world are reading my words. This was my dream for decades as my characters took their first breaths in the pages of my diary.

  1. Any closing words?

I’d like to try to explain the world/setting a bit. In my fictional world: The United States are still operating under the Articles of Confederation – ie. The States never unified, slavery remained legal in some States and not in others, but it’s not a North/South thing. With today’s racial tensions, I had some fears that people might misconstrue it as a racially motivated work. It is not. In book two I might get to play around more with how differently some States developed. Technology is quite different (think 1940’s or so). Not everyone has cars, or phones. No computers, no cell phones. TV’s are very new and expensive. Also, slave names are intentionally lower case, like we do in the scene. The exception is Sugar, because she doesn’t even listen to me.

Mira O’Hart credits her life long love of words, books and language to her Mom, who read to her every day. “Bookie” was one of her first words and publishing her own novel became a goal by age 10. Mira studied Journalism and Psychology at Penn State and later returned for a Master’s Degree in Education. Her varied career has included journalism, community mental health and school counseling.

Her passions include reading, writing, animals and travel. Italy and Greece are two of her favorite places visited so far. Her love of the written word has inspired her to study ancient languages including Latin, Egyptian Hieroglyphs and Summarian. She lives in North Eastern Pa with her cats, Tilly and Chloe.