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Obedience As A Byproduct Of Submission

October 24, 2020 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

I wanted to expand on a thought from a prior article, wherein I stated, “I don’t want obedience to be their goal, I want it to be the byproduct of their goal.” The topic relates to the use of fear as a motivator and is also applicable to the use of punishment to change behavior in a submissive. For this article, I wanted to delve into this a bit more.

Recently in a FetLife.com discussion group, someone posted the question, “What is the most powerful thing A submissive Can do to impress you?” By far, the most popular answer from the group was, “Obedience”. Some wanted “Unquestioning, immediate Obedience”, others just said, “Obey me”.
I thought about this for a while.

It is true that my life is easier when my sub obeys me. I’m less aggravated, expend less energy, and am generally happier than if they don’t obey me. I’m not a person who wants to punish my submissives, nor do I feel the need to reward them for good service (see my articles on punishment and rewards or read my books for a lot more detail on that logic), so I have less complexity when a sub does what I want them to do.

But I don’t have any rules – spoken or otherwise – that say, “Obey Me”. In fact, I don’t even want a sub to think about obedience as a form of submission. Rather, I want obedience to be a logical outcome of their submission.

Many subs believe that obedience is submission. The trope goes: “I promise to do whatever you say, immediately, without question. I will obey your every command”. But I argue that being obedient, in and of itself, is not a submissive act. I cannot consider it to be submissive unless I fully understand the INTENT of that obedience. That’s what matters
In that discussion group, I responded that, what pleases me is less about my submissive’s “obedience” and more about their striving to be the best submissive they can — and that it’s important to them to continually improve their service to me, by seeking to understand and internalize my preferences and expectations. That they measure their abilities as a submissive by my feedback (think CERAF).

It is further my contention that, if a sub is focused on striving to be the best submissive they can be, they will, by consequence, obey me – when it pleases me for them to do so.

You might ask, “when would a dominant NOT want a sub to be obedient?” The most obvious situation that comes to mind is a “Funishment” scenario – or a brat scenario – wherein, the dominant WANTS the sub to misbehave, so that they can “punish” them – or “overpower” them to force them to behave.
Another situation might be if a dominant didn’t think a request through fully before making it, and the sub, in their quest to be unquestioningly obedient, follows the request to the letter, even though they know that the dominant didn’t intend the outcome or action.

Or maybe the request is simply not in the dominant’s best interests. A sub who cares about their dominant may confirm a request, or determine if a carefully framed challenge is in order, as long as they make their motivation clear and are able to get back from such a stand without angering the dominant.

I’m sure it would be easier for a sub to “Just Obey”. They don’t have to think why they’re doing what they’re doing – they’re simply doing what they were told to, and that’s all that matters. Being blindly obedient is easier than understanding why you’re doing something, but is it as good service? Does it bring as much value to the table?

Either way, whatever is desired is going to get done by the submissive – but if the submissive is internalizing the preference of the dominant and executing with motivations intended to directly improve the happiness and satisfaction of the dominant, it has got to be more valuable to the dominant than just “following orders.”

If I ask my submissive why they obeyed me, I would expect them to say something along the lines of, “Because it was something you wanted and I knew that by doing what you wanted, I would be pleasing you and making your life easier. And to challenge you, or delay action, would cause you a distraction you don’t need and delays you don’t want. Certainly, disobeying you wouldn’t please you”. Which is such a better answer than, “Because I obey everything you say.”

Not all dominants want their subs to be thinking so much. Some want immediate obedience. For those folks, I point out that, if a dominant prefers to have blind obedience from their submissive, the submissive would still be motivated by the dominant’s preferences if they blindly obey in an attempt (motivated by the intent) to meet the preferences of the dominant. Same result, different mindset.

When the intent of a submissive is to meet the expectations and preferences of their dominant, obedience naturally occurs whenever it is desirable – and is a natural byproduct of the underlying intent to submit.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Why I Don’t Use Fear As A Submissive Motivator

October 17, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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Yesterday, I was chatting with a dominant who was boasting about how he had put the “fear of God” into his submissive, so that she would never disobey him. He talked about a sequence of scenes that he created, whereby she was subjected to her worst fears. In fact, he was particularly proud of how the use of spiders, a phobia of hers, had made her wet herself in fear. He said that she is now perfectly behaved and responds immediately to his every demand – since she never wants to relive that experience.

The conversation turned my stomach, frankly. I know it’s a flavor of fantasy, but it struck me more as abuse than D/s. Still, it did get me thinking. In many circumstances, punishments are used to establish a baseline of fear in order to obtain compliance. I’ve often heard of the practice of punishing a new submissive before they’ve actually done anything wrong – as a means of showing them the consequences of misbehaving and establishing the fear of having to repeat the ordeal. This technique was even used in “Venus in Furs” upon the signature of the contract, where Wanda told Severin that he shall feel the bite of the whip, for no reason other than her whim – as a means of solidifying the agreement and establishing the cost of disobedience.

As I thought more about it, I found myself considering how I treat my submissives and comparing it to this technique. I have complete authority over them and can do anything I want to them. Sometimes I choose to cause them discomfort. Do they fear me? More importantly, do I WANT them to fear me?

I found my answers in the differentiation between ‘compliance’ and ‘submission’. Compliance is doing what you’re told; submission is dedicating yourself to the preferences of another. I concluded that, while there is no doubt that establishing fear is an effective technique for gaining compliance, it is not the best technique for gaining submission. I further concluded that, while I enjoy obedience from my submissives, I’m not interested in their BLIND obedience. I don’t want obedience to be their goal, I want it to be the byproduct of their goal. I don’t want them to please me by obeying me, I want them to obey me because they’re striving to please me. Certainly not doing what I want would not please me and would make my life more complicated. When the focus of the submissive is to be the best submissive that they can be, their motivation is to strive to deliver top-notch service. So, in order to serve me well, one of the things they’ll do, is to do what I want them to. What I know for sure, is that I don’t want them to obey me because they fear the consequences of not obeying me.

What’s wrong with fear-based motivation? I see a few key issues when you consider submission and not just compliance:

• The submissive finds themselves looking for “Outs” – ways to avoid the consequence. The goal is that they will avoid the consequence by complying with the request. However, if they can avoid the consequence more easily than complying with the demand, they will – because the motivation is all about the consequence and not about the request itself. The “Loophole” in the rule becomes a possibility…and then the dominant is forced to punish use of the loophole…and round you go.

• The submissive will comply only as much as is needed, to avoid the consequence. Most fear based victims will not attempt to exceed the ask. They will do the minimum to avoid the consequence. They also will not apply lessons learned to other requests. In other words, unless there is a specific consequence looming over another task – even one that’s similar to the known task – the submissive is not motivated to get the job done, as there’s no consequence attached to that item. The dominant is forced to establish a consequence for every action they wish to control.

• The onus of successful completion falls on the dominant! With fear-based motivation, the dominant must first establish a consequence that’s compelling enough to motivate the submissive. It must be something that can be actually delivered, as a sub will not be motivated unless the consequence is real. And it needs to be effective. Should the submissive NOT execute the demand, it is because the dominant did not establish a fearful enough consequence, did not consider a loophole, or didn’t apply a consequence to a particular outcome.

These three points establish obedience as the dominant’s responsibility to enforce. All the sub is doing is avoiding the consequence they fear. The dominant is busy creating maintaining, and delivering the consequences. That’s a lot of work and responsibility for the person who’s supposed to be the one being served!

Contrast this with a submissive who is motivated by their own inner desire to please and serve (and therefore, obey) their dominant:

• The dominant is only on the hook for communicating their preferences – then the submissive takes responsibility for delivering what the dominant wants. The onus of success is on the submissive.

• The submissive’s focus is on the results of obedience, not on obedience itself. If the sub completes the task, that pleases / serves the dominant – and there’s a successful exchange. The objective is to serve the dominant, not to follow orders.

• Submissives are much more likely to exceed the dominant’s immediate demand, in an effort to serve them even better. The better the sub gets in touch with the preferences of their unique dominant, the better the level of their service becomes.

While fear-based motivations are quick and don’t require a lot of communication to enact, they lack the depth of adjustment that submission-based discipline provides. In the short term, and for a specific task, fear-based may be more efficient, but ultimately, when the submissive is focused on the dominant’s satisfaction, rather than on themselves (avoiding their own discomfort), there is less work for the dominant – and the dominant is better served. This is because submissives are more apt to internalize the dominant’s preferences, and adjust ALL aspects of their behavior in accordance, rather than only a specific, penalizable action.

Personally, I haven’t needed to resort to fear-based motivations. I’m glad, because I really don’t want to. I have found that my submissives are quite capable of providing the self-discipline required to focus on my satisfaction. We are in a partnership, working together to help them provide the best possible service and to tune that service uniquely to me.

Finding Your Ideal Kinky Partner

October 4, 2020 By SafferMaster 3 Comments

Dakota found just the kind of guy she was looking for

When I found myself divorced after a long, long unhappy and sexually unfulfilling marriage, I resolved to find my ideal partner. I made the choice to create a 24/7 sex forward, kink forward relationship with a submissive masochist who would be my live-in collared slut and true love. This was singularly the most important choice I could have made at the time. It took me a couple of years of focused effort to find her and to create the amazing life we live each day, which surpasses everything I could have imagined. In fact, I would say that the outcome is far beyond my wildest expectations. I am present to a life of kink, with extraordinary sexual encounters every day that are literally mind blowing. Beyond that, my partner and I are 100% aligned with each other in literally every way. The difference this has made to my life is extraordinary. Imaging being married to a woman who was more interested in motherhood than our relationship and who found kink “too naughty” to engage in on one hand, compared to now, where I am completely fulfilled in my darkest kink desires routinely, and our journey down the rabbit hole together is exciting, producing moments of ecstasy that are completely indescribable every single day. It is the difference between chalk and cheese. I am present to being happy, fulfilled and loved in a manner that was simply not available to me in the past. The effort was worth it.

If you were to ask my partner, Lady Petra, she will tell you that as my marked, collared slut she experiences feeling complete in a way that is new for her, being both deeply loved and also experiencing what she describes as “true love”.

In short, we are happier and more fulfilled in our relationship than either of us had ever been, or knew how to be.

This level of alignment is available to you too. This article is a primer on how to set about finding your ideal partner and creating the relationship of your dreams.

If you can see it, you can create it.

Begin by Imagining the kink relationship of your dreams. Imagine being completely aligned with your partner. Imagine having a relationship where there is no space between you, where you have no concerns, where the sex is extraordinary and where you are truly whole-hearted. Imagine both you and your partner being fully self-expressed as your true authentic selves.

A shared love of spanking brought Lola and OT together

This state of bliss is absolutely available to you.

A good place to start the inquiry of how to bring this about is to get crystal clear as to what your motivations are. Here the issues are personal. How do you see yourself and how do you interact with the world around you?

Then there are the concerns that relate to two people creating workability in their relationship. Are you looking for a life partner? A play partner? A Master? A Slave? Are you in touch with your demons? Do you play well with others?

Make an inventory of who you are. Are you able to keep your word? Do you have personal integrity in your relationships? Do you know what, in a perfect world, a relationship with your ideal partner would look like beyond the sex?

The first step,then, is to get completely clear about who you are….how you see yourself. The second step is to examine how you see others.

Think of kink as being represented by a sheet of paper. The range of kinks on the X- axis, with the range of intensity on the Y-axis. Imagine that you occupy an area the size of a quarter on that page. The objective is to find a partner with whom you have maximum overlap.

Time to ask yourself some more questions…this time the questions are related to your sexual desires, i.e. in a perfect world, what specifically you like done to you, what specifically would you like to do to your partner. What level of intensity do you desire? How frequently do you like to play. How long does your ideal scene last? What sort of aftercare you desire and so on.

Step three is to consider how you occur to others.

It’s time to get your social media platform to align with your self-discovery. The best advice I can give you here is to be completely authentic.

I wrote a seeking post that I spread around the kink internet. I posted it as my “About” in my profiles and within a week, the women I was seeking showed up.

She said to me on our very first date “I swear, you wrote that to me, personally”. She had embarked on her own search by reading hundreds of profiles. When she landed on my page she knew she had found her man. Now, she is my collared slut and we are incredibly happy.

The point is that you have to do the prep work to be able to successfully attract your ideal partner.

Its 3 parts:

– How do you occur to yourself ?

– How do others occur to you?

– How do you occur to others?

Doing complete work will give you the best chance to create your ideal relationship. Good luck!

SafferMaster and Lady Petra are kink relationship coaches offering a range of services that can be accessed on their Patreon “Lady Petra Playground”. In addition Lady Petra and SafferMaster host the daily podcast Kinky Cocktail Hour that can be found on your favorite podcast server. Lady Petra and
SafferMaster will teach a workshop on DatingKinky.com in
September/October. You can find Lady Petra on Fetlife @Lady_Petra. You can find SafferMaster on Fetlife @SafferMaster.

Dominance vs. Leadership

September 19, 2020 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

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There is a lot of discussion regarding the concept of “Leadership” in D/s circles. However, the terms “Leadership” and “Dominance” are often confused. In many cases, dominance and leadership are linked and, in some cases, used interchangeably. I see a definitive difference between the two characteristics and point out that, while it may be true that many dominants are leaders – and leaders are dominants, there many people who are one, but not the other.

The basis for the differentiation comes directly from their definitions:

Leadership (from Forbes magazine): is a process of social influence, which maximizes the efforts of others, towards the achievement of a goal.

Dominance (from the Oxford Dictionary): Control; authority; rule; supreme influence.

The key differentiators are Control and Authority. Notice that leadership stems from social influence, not authority or power. Leadership requires others, and that implies they don’t need to be serving the leader directly. In the case of a D/s relationship, the submissive commits to serve the dominant and gives the dominant the authority in the relationship. They are yielding control to the dominant, who is given the right of expectation to expect and demand fulfillment of their wishes. Leaders do not have right to such an expectation.

I think it’s true that there are natural leaders who are also dominant. I tend to think I’m one of them. However, many of the subs I’ve met, including my husband, have been leaders outside of their relationship with me. Natural leaders in their fields, natural leaders on teams, natural leaders in their endeavors…but in their personal relationships, they exposed their (also natural) submissive side. We all know of the stereotype wherein a powerful executive chooses to be the slave of a dominant. While I’ve argued that this is more driven by a desire for regression, and that, in the majority of cases, the executives are actually LEADING the relationship through the use of their wallet and are really only bottoming for their own pleasure, I also know of many cases where people in leadership positions, choose to fully submit within their personal relationships as well.

I also know dominants who are not particularly good leaders. Either through a lack of desire to lead, or through a lack of the skills necessary to influence without the need of authority. They may be awesome, loved dominants – but you wouldn’t want to follow them into battle!

This leads me to conclude that we always need to consider an individual’s natural leadership potential within the context of a relationship type. As I have pointed out in my books and prior articles, there are many relationships types…not all romantic; not all deeply personal. I believe you can be naturally disposed within the context of one relationship type – and differently across other relationship types.

Taking it up a level of abstraction, there are the relationship types surrounding groups of people and common goals (think CEO, Team Captain, Project Manager) – I know, and know of, many great leaders who lead with the intent to accomplish something – organizing others to achieve a common goal.

Then there is the context within relationship types between two people and the dynamics of their attraction – The leadership in this area presents far differently and can have many flavors of the types of dominance and submission discussed here. It seems to me that SOME people have both types of leadership – but it’s perfectly possible, and even prevalent, to have a dominant leadership style in one context and a submissive style in another.

One place where leadership and dominance tend to be erroneously conflated, is in discussions of “FLRs” – “Female Led Relationships”. Very often, FLRs are used interchangeably with relationships where the female is dominant. I hope by now it’s clear that these really aren’t the same thing. The 1950’s, “MLR” equivalent, was the “typical” household represented by the “Dick Van Dyke” show. For those of you young-ins who never saw it, YouTube it: Great writing, good comedy, and loveable characters – but I digress. In this typical 1950s house, Robert Petrie ran his home and was clearly the “leader”, but there is no way he dominated Laura Petrie! In fact, it would not surprise me, in the least, to discover him suckling on the heel of her shoe behind closed doors (right behind a lot of submissive guys I’ve met, who loved her)!

Even though it may be true that many dominant women also lead their households, it is not a given that every FLR is a D/s relationship. Every “follower” is not a submissive. There are different INTENTS (my favorite word) to following than there is to submitting. You might follow as a convenience, or as a means to avoid doing something you find unpleasant or difficult for you. Many dominants delegate decisions to their submissives – and follow their lead – in areas where the submissive is just better at the task than the dominant, or that the dominant just isn’t interested in leading. That doesn’t make them any less dominant. You can never tell intent by looking…you need to understand the individuals, the context, and the motivations.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

BDSM Scene ideas – Bondage with leather

September 12, 2020 By PirateStan 2 Comments

My girl and I engage in a great deal of bondage play, the vast majority of it leading to either coitus or some form of mutual orgasm (multiples for her; alas, a single one for me). And while I can certainly appreciate the artistry and eroticism involved in the slow, determined application of elaborate ropework/shibari/kinbaku, the few times we’ve personally engaged in such activities we’ve found ourselves frustratingly stymied by the inevitable.

It’s like this; if it takes an hour to get her wrapped up in all that rope, it takes damn near and hour to get her out. With an equal amount of focus and attention. And while there may well be an erotic appeal to all that time involved in getting her wrapped up, when it’s time to get involved in some erogenic frenzy, we both want her freed from her bonds tout de suite. And it’s not as if we’re going to be taking a knife to those hemp ropes we both spent so much time and effort washing, conditioning, and treating.

Lia’s leather armbinder is tied above her

This being the case, we’ve found any number of quick alternatives which create both the close constriction she finds appealing, as well as the bondaged security on her which I crave. In short, they’re any number of quick bondages, easy on/easy off, although the former can be drawn out for an extended period for the previously mentioned erotic appeal.

Of course, I’ve already talked about several of those here; cling film, duct tape, zip ties, handcuffs, they all have their appeal, their advantages and disadvantages. Cling film, in particular, is especially versatile (notably when combined with duct tape) as it can be used for mummification-type bondages or cinched up into an improvised rope.

But the thing I’ve been using for the 30-some-odd years that I’ve been actively tying up intimate partners is leather, specifically belts, mittens, armbinders, and other assorted paraphernalia. And I have to say that during that time, I’ve accumulated quite a collection, one I wouldn’t recommend anyone try to duplicate in a short time (unless you’re Christian Grey levels of rich).

Simple arm and leg bondage with leather straps

I’ll take a quick time-out here to indicate that pretty much every girl I’ve bound in leather has found the experience to be extremely pleasurable, with many going directly into subspace. Additionally, those who’re otherwise experienced with rope found the leather bondage to be a very different one.

To start with, there are the belts. You can accumulate quite a collection from your local thrift store very inexpensively (one store in town has all of their belts priced at $2.00). You can use them for wrapping wrists, ankles, arms, and legs. Thin belts can be used to cinch the wider one for extra tightness (or you can just use shoelaces). It’s amazingly easy to make belts pleasurably tighter by tugging for that extra notch (it also isn’t a bad idea to acquire a leather punch to add holes along the entirety of your belts).

You can take your time wrapping your girl in belt after belt after belt after belt, creatively finding new places to strap them into place, always tugging them tighter and tighter until she’s practically bulging around them, like a sausage. And if she finds them to be too tight, it’s a very simple matter to loosen or remove them entirely without disturbing the integrity of the bondage as a whole.

India bound to a board with leather straps

Best of all, as your intimate play progresses, you can progressively, easily, remove strap after strap until she’s entirely free. At which point she’ll likely go crazy on you.

I moved on from thrift store belts some years back and these days almost exclusively utilize the “Lexus” of belts made by the inimitable “Leather by Danny” (https://leatherbydanny.com/shop/en/). Not only are his straps the best on the market, he also manufactures a back binder which makes securely adding multiple straps to someone’s upper body remarkably easy. I’ll personally vouch for the quality of his merchandise, as well as his personal service in standing behind his products.

I suppose it goes without saying that leather straps can be used quite effectively in combination with the inevitable leather cuffs most people keep in their toybags. These, combined with any of the myriad of carabiners and other connectors which are easily (and inexpensively) accumulated from your local hardware store leave you with a variety of opportunities limited only by your imagination.

Leather bondage mitts prevent Iona’s hands from being useful

Moving on from simple belts and cuffs, we get into more advanced bindings, such as gloves, mittens, armbinders, and armbags, all of which are rather pricey but which leave a girl hopelessly and helplessly bound. Some lace up, some buckle, some have both, but all have the advantage of keeping a gal’s mischievously probing hands and fingers well in check, amping up the frustration factor considerably.

Finally, for the ultimate leather bondage, there’s the bodybag, or sleepsack, which will keep someone tied-up, strapped in, and strapped down like some sort of leather mummy. Even I don’t have one of these… yet. Watch this space.

Mistress Ashley keeps her slave in a sleep-sack

In the end, leather bondage can be a lot of fun, a unique, pleasurable experience, easy-on and easy-off, and one which, while it can be tested inexpensively, can ultimately be a real budget buster. Give it a try and you may find those ropes collecting dust in no time.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.

Journaling While Under Consideration

September 5, 2020 By Joji Sada 4 Comments

sexy tatted vixen with collar — via stock.adobe.com

***under consideration is an optional step/stage in the power exchange dynamic process. It can involve petitions, contracts, consideration collars, etc. It is essentially the step before being officially entering into a power exchange relationship. But again it is not needed to enter into a power exchange dynamic.

Journaling is often heavily used in power exchange dynamics as a tool for the submissive to learn, grow, and express themselves.

Sometimes, I think it is important to go back to the basics.

When I was taken under consideration by Master, his main requirement was journaling. I was to answer the same question, every day, and see how my viewpoints evolved over time. His question: What is one kinky thought I had today?

My first few entries were sexual. While I was aware that BDSM and sex are not mutually exclusive, the word kinky led me towards it. Slowly, over the span of a few weeks, you can start to see less mention of sex and more mention of my internal struggles.

So, I thought I would share with you a few snippets from my “under consideration” journal. I have never let anyone other than Master read these. They are deeply personal, and my stomach sits heavy with anxiety as I type these up. I am starting with just a few from the very beginning for this go around.

These have not been edited or transformed in any way. They are simply transcribed so I could share with you my thoughts from then to now.

Day 3

Today was slightly different. I spent a good majority of time contemplating what qualifies.as kink. To me, kink is both sexual and lifestyle driven. It seems to reflect an acceptance of my choices, my likes and dislikes, my thoughts, my goals, and all associated knowledge gathering for the BDSM part of my life. So, when I think about my kinky thoughts, I drift towards a goal. I would like to learn about the Leather lifestyle, and I would like to live it. I would like to be mentored by you in regards to it. I spent a while after work looking up information and compiling questions. I expect that part of the journey is the search for knowledge and self-reflection, but I would appreciate a guiding hand.

I’ve thought about our previous conversations in regards to living by guidelines; by a code of conduct. I am unsure what the virtues Leather outlines so I’ve decided to list what I find important and compare it later on.

Patience– Is it always important to remember that anything worth having is worth waiting for.

Honor– There is nothing more important than knowing that someone’s promise, their word, is a binding contract that will be supported and defended. It is also essential that whatever virtues and personal laws that guide someone are worth defending.

Respect– You should be an individual who carries themselves in such a way as to not only deserve respect but be willing to give it as well.

Even Tempered– You should never be feared by those you trust, never act in a moment of high emotion, be able to assess a situation with detachment, and be known as someone who is clear headed and fair.

Trust– While I believe trust is gained, and can be lost, one must be willing to cherish the trust placed in their hands and be able to be willing to take someone into confidence, if earned.

**I know there are more virtues I consider important, but I am currently drawing a blank. Therefore, I will leave it as is and revisit this thought process later on.

Day 13

Today, I got to ask the question of the day on KIK. I asked, “when negotiations are required, are they more in depth with a short term or long-term partner?”

To me, negotiation is the foundation of the progression of a relationship. My negotiations are all based on long-term relationships and goals.

In the group, J relayed her thoughts on negotiations. She viewed every decision as a negotiation. For example, if a Dom says no, then a sub lists the reasons they disagree with the answer, and then a final decision is made is a negotiation. I was surprised how much I disagree with that. In a D/s situation, my negotiation for every day decisions would be the consent to being a submissive and consent to service as such. The rest is filler. Regarding play, I can see a need for extra negotiation, but not in everyday situations.

I wonder if I am wrong. I wonder if my view is too narrow. It somewhat confuses me.

I also wonder if I am just strange. When I negotiated with Sir, I had one rule. As long as I, or our wives, had not verbally stated something was not allowed, then Sir has the right to try it. I call it “blanket consent.” To me, if I cannot trust someone enough to allow such consent, then I should not submit to them.

Is that wrong?

Day 17

I struggle with submission. I recognize the “big” moments that require me to listen and obey. But, those “little” everyday moments are hard to let go. I struggled over a ridiculous order and you asked me to write about it.

My mom and Graa came out to visit, as a surprise. Because of this, we went to visit. As we were getting ready, I realized I only had my tennis shoes. I started looking for a pair of socks. After a couple of minutes, you told me to wear your sandals. I told you, “no, its fine.” You stated otherwise. When you said “three” and started the countdown, I paused, I stopped searching, and I tensed. “Two.” No movement, no words, no obeying. “Now.” I moved, almost reluctantly. However, I listened.

It feels natural to submit to you. However, I have a very hard time letting go of control. I am in control at work, and I am in control at home. I hold the weight of the world by choice.

However, when I am ordered by my Dom, outside of play, I struggle with the mindset switch. Sometimes, it is the inability to let go. Sometimes, it is a challenge. Sometimes, it is a lack of recognition that it is an order. Sometimes, it is a push to see if you are serious.

All the time, though, it is a moment that quiets my mind. It is an attempt to center myself. I trust you fully, and with each successfully obeyed order, I’m starting to trust myself.

Day 37

You put me in the corner (of all things) today. I deserved it. Honestly, had the child not been there, I would have deserved the belt for mouthing off and calling you a woman. I knew as soon as I said it, I was in trouble. I find it hard to look you in the eye when I’ve misbehaved. I’m worried I will see disappointment. That’s something I severely dislike seeing directed at me.

When I was in the corner, you asked me one question. “Am I ready to behave?” You told me you wanted a yes or no answer, and as soon as I gave my answer, I could leave the corner.

It took three questions and physical contact on my neck before I could bring myself to answer you. You told me my answer didn’t matter. As long as I answered, I could have left the corner. You asked me if it was so hard to answer the questions. The answer was Yes, Sir. It really was that hard.

I don’t believe in doing anything half-assed. If I couldn’t answer you with an honest, fully meant yes or no, then I would not answer.

I expected a few swats or the belt. So, when you put my in the corner, my first thought was disbelief. My second was wanting to deck you. I wanted to turn around and wipe the smirk off your face. That is why I rested my forehead to the wall and closed my eyes. I took a full, deep breath for clarity. This is when the fight for control begins. It is a small mantra of wanting to challenge your rights as Dom. At the same time, I have a strong feeling of need. I know that I need discipline. In all the fight, I never debated leaving the corner. Even when I turned, I did not leave the spot you left me in.

I wanted to push you. I wanted to push and push and push until You stared at me in disbelief and reacted. But, I knew that I did not actually want to upset you nor did I really want to be in control.

I use breathing to center myself when I cannot kneel or curl up and cuddle. I use slow breaths to answer the hardest questions that I have. I used it to remind myself that I asked for you to be firm. I used it to weigh the heaviness of my words if I had asked if “this was all you had.” I used it to measure my needs and wants. As soon as I take that first, steadying breath, I know that I will submit. Because I want to. Because I need to.

So, the longer I stood there in silence, with my eyes closed and my breathing slow, the more the fight morphed into giving you an honest answer.

Could I behave? Yes, I could. I just needed to waid through all the white noise first.

I have always been open that I fought Master tooth and nail after he took me under consideration. He saw something in me that even I didn’t. He took steps, such as requiring me to journal, to help me learn about myself.

I am not proud of fight I have given him. Yet, I know it was necessary. It took me six months to kneel for him. It took another three for me to refer to him as Sir verbally. It took over a year for me to crawl for him.

Throughout it all, he was patient with my struggles and firm with my punishment. He was calm when I would work myself into a panicked state and damn near all knowing when he gave me topics to explore.

He knows me better than I know myself.

Because of him, I can read back through that first year, and see where I was. I can read of my confusion, my distaste with myself, my joy, my triumph, and my growth.

I can watch myself change and learn.

Now, I use these writings as a guide so I can help other new submissives. I stand strong in the belief that you never have to be subservient from the beginning. You never have to change who you are. You never have to face the journey alone.

You just have to be honest.

With your Dom, always.

But, most importantly, with yourself.

My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Changing The Language Of Kink

August 30, 2020 By Elyssa Rice 2 Comments

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We do not often think about the gravity of our words. As we speak, words flow freely without much thought, and many times these words have consequences that we never see. When we compliment someone who has been feeling particularly insecure, we cannot begin to understand the positive impact that those few words could have on their mood. In fact, many, if not all, are entirely unaware of the power of the words we speak. I would like to think that most of us try to use our words to heal, but I have noticed that there is so much room to improve just how we use these powerful words that come out of our mouths.

I have noticed this beautiful part of the kink community, the space where kinksters protect and defend one another. Where they make sure that they do everything in their power to minimize both physical AND emotional harm. This often comes in the form of warnings about behaviors, words, history, and rumors of others in the community. We are playing this massive game of telephone, and while it is spectacular to feel like I have the power to protect others, I have noticed that my language and the language of so many others is actually quite problematic.

So, what are the words that I am talking about that are problematic? I imagine if you have been in the scene for any amount of time, you have heard them over and over again; real/fake, good/bad. The idea that there are “real” or “fake” or “good” or “bad” kinksters is not only incredibly invalidating to those who identify as kinky, but it can be a dangerous game. What you can be is dangerous, inexperienced, or reckless. You can also be responsible, attentive, or considerate. When we are discussing others in the scene, it can be incredibly problematic when our language is not accurately portraying what we mean. To describe someone as “bad” when we really mean that they are “dangerous” is doing a disservice to our community. Word of mouth can be so incredibly influential when trying to venture into this new world. If we are not careful about the way that we use language, we can be steering newcomers (or as I like to call them, baby kinksters) in the wrong direction.

When entering into the kink scene, it can be enormously helpful to connect with those who are more experienced. If those experienced kinksters want to open their hearts and minds to newcomers, it is crucial that it is done with caution. We have the power to ultimately shape the experience of another and we should take that responsibility seriously.

When we are looking at shifting language, it is important to become mindful of not only our words but our intentions. Are we steering someone away from a new play partner because they are dangerous? Did we personally have a bad experience with them? Are there unresolved feelings, so we are not ready to see them with another person? All of these questions and so many more can allow us to gain insight into the choices that we are making and will enable us to give advice in a responsible and helpful way. When warning a friend about a person, saying they are “fake” will not be as impactful as saying that they had a scene with them in the past, and their boundaries were violated. On the flip side, saying that someone is “real” could mean just about anything. Are they real because they are experienced? Do they have formal training? Did you play with them once and enjoy it and now they are “real” to you? The next time you try to describe a fellow kinkster, think about these questions. How can you accurately describe them in a way that is helpful and perhaps a way that you wish they were described to you.

Lastly, I think it is important that we talk about the association between “fake” and inexperienced. Inexperienced does not make someone invalid as a kinkster. I am finding that using these words synonymously is causing significant emotional harm to those who are trying out this new way of life/play, particularly those who begin later in life. Not every person in this beautiful kinky world has entered it immediately into adulthood. Many find their way here at various points in their sexual development and downplaying the validity of someone’s identity by calling them “fake” is a likely way to deter them from truly reaching their potential as a kinkster.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to choose our words wisely and intentionally. Our language is powerful, and making sure that we are using our words from a place of authenticity and integrity to truly help others can allow our entire community to be a safer and more welcoming place.

Elyssa Rice is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in the Kink and Alternative Lifestyle community. She is a writer, lecturer and advocate for sexual empowerment and sexual freedom. She has a private practice in Los Angeles, CA and is dedicated to shifting the narrative about both the mental health and Kink community.

Shaping, Molding, and Growing Submissives…No Thank You!

August 23, 2020 By Ms. Rika 5 Comments

hot couple kissing, kitten mask — via stock.adobe.com

This week, I’d like to delve into a topic that came up during a discussion in FetLife.com regarding the responsibilities of a dominant in “shaping” their submissive. In this discussion, a dominant woman was having difficulty with her submissive, in that he was not obedient and behaving as she wished around her friends. She was at a loss coming up with ideas for ways to “train” him in this regard, and was asking for suggestions from others.

She actually received a bunch of advice by the time I got there, including several ways to “embarrass him public”, “cut him down to size”, and “Break Him”. In this “wisdom” I saw a common thread regarding HER responsibilities as a dominant, to mold her sub, shape him, and “help him grow as an individual”. They had all sorts of ideas for how to help him develop into a better human being and a better partner.

“What am I, his mother?”

This was all I could think. When did being a dominant become an assignment to raise a child? Since when is his commitment to me grounds for me becoming responsible for his actions? I’m not of the belief that the dominant’s role is to shape a sub. To me, the dominant’s role is to communicate expectations and to assess performance. The fact that the sub consents, implies he has free will to apply himself to meet my expectations. He needs to act on that. I adjust the sub’s efforts by making my expectations clear and providing guidance as to how they can better perform against those expectations. We are in a joint-venture; to provide the best possible service to me. This is what he wants and also what I want. We are working together, but our responsibilities are very different.

I don’t have the responsibility to create, improve, or inspire his submission

As I’ve discussed in other articles, my power dynamics with my subs are defined by what the sub can do FOR me, not around what is being done TO him. “Improving the submissive” isn’t a goal of my dynamics. “Improving the submissive’s ability to deliver”, is. I will provide feedback along with suggestions for improvement. I will enable him by providing what he needs to do the job and by eliminating obstacles to him getting it done right. But ultimately, he needs to make it happen for himself.

I never think of myself as creating or manipulating my sub’s submission. When a sub is a great sub, I didn’t make him great, he did. He deserves the credit. Yes, we work together – but my role is communicating expectation, his is execution. If execution is good, it reflects well on him.

On the flip side, when a sub doesn’t perform to a level that serves me, I look to him to fix it. Submission is a state of mind that HE needs to govern. The thought that I, as the dominant, am “inspiring” his submission implies that the quality of his submission is determined by my behavior: If he doesn’t perform, I didn’t “inspired him enough / properly”. Nonsense: I refuse to accept that responsibility. Performance is his responsibility. The onus of execution falls on him.

One of the guys giving advice suggested that she punish him with “Intense discomfort” to “Train him to become obedient and compliant”. I thought to myself, “Do I want my sub to be MOTIVATED BY AVOIDANCE of intense discomfort?” Do I even want him to be “compliant”? I don’t think I do – not either one of those. In my dynamics, the motivation for submitting – and, in this particular variation, of being obedient – needs to come from his desire to be the best submissive he can be. I don’t want him to be compliant: He isn’t doing what I want because he “has” to, he feels as though he’d be letting HIMSELF down, if he fails to submit to the best of his ability. It follows that, if he is gauging the quality of his submission on how well I feel it serves me – and how happy it makes me – and if he has an inner drive to make sure he doesn’t lower the standard of his submission – then the obedience (or however submission is defined) will be a natural consequence of that attitude. He’s not compliant, he’s actively pursuing the things I want. I don’t need him to fear consequences. I want him to find his motivation in delivering the highest level of submission he can.

When a sub is motivated by his internal desire to perform at the highest level to which he is able, you get the best from your submissive. You get more than you demand. You get a partner who is happy, proud, and fulfilled by his service to you.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

The BDSM Scene vs. Reality

August 16, 2020 By PirateStan 2 Comments

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My girl and I are pretty involved in two different groups, the BDSM scene and SF&F (science fiction & fantasy) fandom. In many ways they’re, of course, very different. Yet there’s a significant amount of overlap between the two as well as some rather key differences.

I’ve been involved in SF&F fandom (or just Fandom as we refer to it) since at least 1986, with an interest that stemmed from long before then. Meanwhile I’ve only been involved with the Scene since 2007, having come to it late in spite of a lifelong interest.

So why the difference?

Simply put, Fandom was easier to stumble across. While I’d been reading about it for years, it was only when I began to regularly frequent comic book speciality shops that I came across a flier for what turned out to be my first SF&F convention. For the first time in my life I was surrounded by people who thought and felt the way I did. It was glorious.

And there were hints of BDSM in the cracks and around the corners; periodic Gor, Orion Slave Gir, or Dejah Thoris costumes; art with the same themes or subject matter; as well as mainstream and small press novels with strong BDSM themes. There were threads to pull if you were looking for them, but it was more a dirty little secret. They may have led to the Scene, but I wasn’t yet ready to pull them.

Meanwhile, what BDSM scene existed in the late ’80s-early ’90s wasn’t very easy to locate, and I didn’t frequent the sort of places where they might advertise. It wasn’t until the Internet made it to my door in ’95 that I discovered it. Sadly, being with a vanilla partner and not really understanding what it was all about left it tantalizingly out of reach.

Fast-forward to 2007. I’m now with a decidedly kinky partner, and we discover this new-fangled site called “Fet-Life”. Suddenly I can find the local scene and, in some ways, it seemed a lot like the one I’m already very familiar with. But over time I discovered some key differences.

Fandom is filled with what is generally a sub-section of humanity, the dreamers, fantasists, visionaries, freaks, geeks, and misfits. Maybe not exclusively so, but if you were to carve out a random sampling, I’d argue that 8 out of 10 would fall neatly into one of these categories.

And here’s the thing; they’re by-and-large, generally pretty good people. While it certainly has its share of people with psychological issues, they don’t seem to be the ones who’re evil or nasty. You’ll also see more than your fair share of people on the autism spectrum, or aspy.

Meanwhile the Scene is pretty much made up of a cross-section of humanity, people good, bad, and all of the places in between. Being fannish seems to attract a specific type of person, while kink covers the spectrum.

And sure, sometimes it may seem as if the scene is full of predators, narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and other bad-and-generally-selfish people, the reality is that… well, the world is simply full of those sort of people, mixed in with the rest of us. The Scene doesn’t really attract them any more than any other general activity. I mean, think of who you’ll encounter on your average dating site!

I’ve always felt that being kinky was a broader part of our personality, not really a subset. When you meet someone, simply sharing kink isn’t really enough, almost like simply being cis, gay, bi, or trans isn’t really enough to hang a relationship on.

If you’re into NASCAR, you’ll work best with someone else who’s also into NASCAR… and is kinky. If you’re into floral arranging, you’ll work best with someone else who’s also into floral arranging… and is kinky. For me and my girl, we work best with people who’re geeky *and* kinky. It’s a narrow subset, but we’ve got each other and a few close friends. But it works for us.

As always, this has been a broad generalization based on personal experience; your mileage may vary.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community for over 12 years, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.

24/7 D/s Relationships are Like a Layer Cake

August 3, 2020 By Will Hunt 8 Comments

male dom having a conversation with his female submissive — via stock.adobe.com

24/7 D/s relationships are a lot of work. The title alone should be the give away, and I don’t mean the 24/7 or D/s part, those only come after the really tricky bit, the relationship. For some of us our sense of self is so tied up in the dynamics of relationship that we can forget which follows which.

Our dynamics are layered upon those parts of us that make up functioning human beings. We are a top, a bottom, a switch after we are a person. Those needs which are fulfilled by those dynamics are valuable. Often they can be very comforting, allowing us to choose the manner in which we engage with the people around us with clearly set terms of engagement. Within our relationships it can provide clearly defined expectations and responsibilities. However, we need the stable foundation of a relationship upon which to build.

We will all have times when we will struggle. Perhaps the urge to serve it strained, or the desire to tell someone what to do waines? For some reason that which came easily and we thought was core to our relationship, to our very sense of self, becomes difficult. It can be a source of panic as we try to diagnose the problem. Do I need to be more dominant, double down on the rules, forgive no trespass? We become so obsessed with the symptoms that we fail to diagnose the root cause of the issue.

The D/s aspect of a relationship is often the most emotionally vulnerable part of a relationship as it rests on the very top. Seen each and every day in the way we act, the way we talk, so any break in that pattern is very obvious. Often the D/s parts of us are the most extreme representations of us, the most vulnerable, the most self indulgent, the most us that we can only truly manifest when we feel safe. It can be the canary in the coal mine of troubles we aren’t even aware of.

Dig Deep

If we are finding it hard to connect in a kinky way I believe it is worth working up through the layers of the relationship, rather than backwards from the fault. If we no longer feel safe enough in the relationship to be uniquely vulnerable in the way that D/s allows us to then we need to understand what has changed.

There is a risk that if we spend all our time struggling to work out why we aren’t enjoying the rules and making up new rules, or altering existing ones, then we are not exploring why the rules have stopped being fun. Layering more plaster over a crack in a wall won’t solve the problem. We need to work out why the crack is there in the first place. Stop the root problem, then repair and plaster over the crack.

If there is a problem on the top level of the relationship, the D/s aspect, then we should explore the foundations of the relationship. By starting with the fundamentals we can test each of those things that are essential to a healthy relationship.

The underpinnings of a relationship are not D/s, they are care, affection, love and much much more. You kink compatibility may be what brought you together, but it will not be what keeps you together.

What may have brought you together is not necessarily the same thing that keeps you together. I have been fortunate enough to have had some wonderful scenes with people. Our kinks were compatible, we enjoyed our time together, but a relationship was never a prospect. Kink compatibility does not naturally lead to relationship compatibility. So why would we focus on the kink aspect first rather than that which makes up the underpinnings of the relationship if there is a problem?

If there are uncomfortable things that we need to confront about our relationship we can be prone to distraction. It is easy to mistake activity for progress.

Foundation Stone

Recently the D/s aspect of my relationship had to take a backseat in order to focus on my partners needs. She did not need a dom at that time, she needed a partner. Everything but the most basic levels of D/s had to be put on hold. She still wore her collar, had to ask permission for the same things as always, but apart from those few things our focus shifted almost exclusively to taking care of her.

My role as Top in our relationship had to shift, changing from an owner, an enforced of rules, to far more of a carer. Our relationship became almost vanilla! Gasp, shock, horror!

Fortunately she felt better after a few weeks of care and we were able to start bringing our rules back to the forefront of our relationships. Shifting back to the D/s heavy nature of our relationship. However, there was a problem. I was really struggling. I found it hard to just turn the switch back on. Everything told me I enjoyed our kink dynamic, I wanted to get back to it in full, so did she. Everything we were thinking about our shared kink told us we should be right back where we were a few weeks ago.

Our mistake was in only looking at the issue from the kink layer of the relationship. We were so fixated on getting that back to normal that we didn’t even consider that there could be an issue on another level that we were totally missing.

For a few days we struggled. We were doing all the kinky things, and just not feeling it. It felt just like we were going through the motions. A horrible thing to feel in a D/s dynamic where our joint commitment is so integral to the relationship working.

After a few days of it just not working we had a long conversation. Forcing ourselves to verbalise what we were feeling, what was frustrating us and what wasn’t working. We didn’t have to come up with a solution, we were just diagnosing the problem. Neither of us pretended something was working that wasn’t, neither of us attributed blame (after all we both wanted the same thing). What we did was work up from the fundamentals of our relationship, asking the hard questions as we went. Did we still love each other, did we still enjoy being with each other, did we still excite each other…

It is important to ask these hard questions, because it is the answers that will help us. Fortunately after the talk we were able to understand why we weren’t clicking, it was as simple as the fact that I needed to feel confident that she really was okay. I needed to feel safe enough to be myself in full with her again, and to recognise that needed to give myself a couple of days to recover from being so focused on caring for her.

The spice of life

Kink is a beautiful, thrilling, erotic addition to a relationship. In my case it is so pervasive that it could easily be mistaken as the relationship in its entirety. If I am not careful I can make that mistake myself.

While kink might bring many of us together, and even form the language of intimacy that we use to grow emotionally close, it needs to be built upon a healthy relationship. We cannot mistake activity for achievement or conversation for construction. We need to ask the hard questions, to put each other first and build our relationships on a foundation of love.

About the Author
Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.

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