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Showing Appreciation in BDSM And Power Exchange Dynamics

October 20, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!

Gratitude: We recognize and enjoy what our partners do for us. We are humble in our receipt of their efforts. We want to express our appreciation to them in a way that expresses our deepest gratitude. Dominant or submissive, when our partners are gracious with their time and focus, we are compelled to show our gratitude. I am always grateful for the dedication and commitment my subs provide. I am open and honest regarding what their submission means to me as a means of validating their efforts.

But too often, appreciation is shown in a way that is intended to modify behavior. The difference between “Appreciation” and “Reward” is blurred. Appreciation shows gratitude…Reward is manipulation.

I was having an online discussion the other day with a man whose wife had just agreed to lock him up for the month of October (Loctober). He was expressing how thrilled he was that his wife had agreed to put him in chastity and that she had also agreed to tease him throughout the month, so that the impact of his denial would be maximized. As this decision was something he had asked her for, and, though she felt she might enjoy it, did not feel it was something that “served her” directly, he recognized she was providing a gift to him; that she was voluntarily signing up for a sub-centric month that would put responsibility and obligation on her, for the expressed purpose of piquing his libido.

He wanted to show his gratitude and had come up with what he considered a good way to communicate it to her. He decided to do a huge number of tasks, chores, etc. for her during the month and to write down each and every thing he did in a journal. He felt he would then present it to her at the end of the month as a means of saying “Thank you”.

Honestly, I was a little confused. My first instinct was to change the journal from a list of things he did for her to a journal of thanks – for allowing him to do those things for her. Rather than saying, “I filled your car with gas today”, I felt it would be better to say, “Thank you for letting me fill your car with gas today. I enjoyed feeling useful and helping you avoid doing something you dislike”. I felt that this would be better than just listing things she likely already knew that he did, with no real mention of thanks.

But then, I started thinking about the whole idea of this journal – and realized that, intentionally or not, he was anticipating playing the manipulative game so many men who want to be in chastity play: He was going to try to show her the “Benefits” to her of keeping him in chastity – by being especially good while locked up, doing things with no resistance that he COULD do for her without the chastity – but won’t.

Effectively, this journal would be communicating: “Look at all the things I am willing to do for you when you keep me desperate and horny!” The message is loud and clear: “If you want me to do these things without resistance, here’s the way to do it”. It’s a form of manipulation which is, unfortunately, quite common with men who like chastity play.

I was very pleased that he was recognizing that being locked up and teased during October was a treat…something she wanted to give to him, for him. It was good that he recognized her generosity and wanted to show his gratitude. However, the means of showing that gratitude were falling directly into that stereotypical, manipulative trap.

I posed the question to him: “What are you showing your gratitude for?” My assumption was that he wanted to show his gratitude for her spending all that time teasing him and thinking about his situation…keeping his libido piqued, etc. So, I asked him, “Why not say THAT in this journal?” I told him that it would be better for him to thank her for applying so much focus and attention on him and his libido. I challenged him to show that appreciation by directly appreciating what she’s doing without using it to encourage further interaction.

October is just beginning…his “Loctober” is only a week in…there will be plenty of fun times ahead of them. If they keep up the schedule of tease that they anticipate, he will be MIGHTY desperate come Sept 1! I hope she’s aware and ready for the “obligation” of making the release – after such a long ordeal – something worth remembering. We’ll see.

We’ll also see if he rectifies the manipulation within his journal plan. He states that he didn’t intend to manipulate her, but can see how doing what he was intending would do that. But the proof is in the pudding – and if she’s not aware of the potential for manipulation – he may not be able to resist. Only time will tell.

Appreciation is best shown in a selfless manner. You need to find a way to show gratitude without self gain. Make sure you’re not “Rewarding” behavior – rather, that you’re “Appreciating” it. Then your partner will have a clear, unencumbered view of the pleasure their gift brings you – and thus, reap the true benefits – to them – of giving treats.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

How “Total” Power Exchange Is Manifested

October 13, 2021 By Dame TylerRose. 2 Comments

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There’s been a lot of yammering about the “total” part of total power exchange, and a lot of “whatabout” ism as people try to prove that total isn’t total at all.

People seem to think that the “total” in TPE means the dom is making every single decision every single minute of the day, and those decisions are all about the extremes of life and death matters. They seem to think decisions made must be to the detriment of the sub/slave half of the dynamic.

What they fail to see is that it also means the sub/slave is doing what the dom wants without having to constantly ask for a decision or be threatened with punishment. TPE requires obedience on the part of the sub/slave. If the sub/slave won’t obey, there is no power exchange. Disobedience/noncompliance is keeping control. Obedience/compliance gives control.

The dom/master/owner gives the rules and the sub/slave/property obeys them. That’s the power. It’s not about the teeniest little thing being dictated. It’s about doing things how the dom wants them to be without pitching a bitch about it every single time. It’s knowing “this” is what they want…and fulfilling their wishes.

You know he doesn’t like rye bread. So you don’t make his lunch with rye bread. Do you have to be told a thousand times that he doesn’t like rye bread? No. He told you once and you remember. You can buy it for yourself if you want, unless he decrees he doesn’t want it in the house. If he doesn’t want it in the house, don’t fucking buy it.

THAT is the T in TPE.

EW decided once that I was not to address anyone by any title. His decision was final. I abided by that decision regardless who didn’t like it. When there came a time that someone had earned my respect (Lon_RM, who I have come to regard as the father I wish I’d had) that I wanted to use the title in his name (MasterLon, at that point), I went to EW and explained. He agreed and the exception was made. The rule was NOT changed for anyone else.

It was EW’s decision to make the exception. There was another time when I had asked for an exception and he’d said no. I abided by that decision, whether I liked it or not. That is total power.

I asked EW to flog me long enough that I naturally fell asleep. He refused. I had to abide by that decision, because he would never relent and I was not to ask again. I had nothing to say about his decision. I was not given the luxury of an opinion on the matter. That is total power.

There was a night he’d forgotten his keys. He was already in Manhattan and did not have the time to travel half an hour back home and half an hour into work again. I had a full plate of food in front of me. A delicious corned beef supper. I had to put that supper in the fridge, get my shoes on, and take him his keys. There was no option for me to say “after I eat”. It had to be now because Master needed it NOW. There wasn’t a single second of complaint about it from me. This was my job as his sub: To do as he required. Period. He had that total power to command. An hour and a half later (because waiting for trains and walking blocks through neighborhood), I was back home and finally able to eat my supper at 9 o’clock at night.

Having “total” power also means having discretion over when to exert their will and when not to.

He knew he could insert his own ideas into my books. He could use that power if he wanted. He chose never to tell me what to write or how. He felt it would not be appropriate. That is discretion.

He could have told me what kinds of leather goods to make. He could have told me never to use skulls or upside down crosses if he wanted. He chose never to tell me what to make or how to make it. That is discretion. He did, however, greatly enjoy prototype day, and some of my innovations. He particularly liked the 3-sided, meatier handles.

He could have bent me over and fucked me during the most painful days of my period if he wanted. He chose mercy, and would sometimes jerk off onto my tits instead. All I had to do was kneel or sit there and hold my tits up. He chose not to cause me more pain and discomfort. He chose discretion.

There was a time we discussed a piercing or tattoo to mark me as his. Then he worked a season with the Freak Show from Coney Island hanging in Blood Manor. He came home one morning and declared that he would never get me pierced or tattooed. Ever. Didn’t matter if I wanted the piercing or tattoo. He had decided, and the matter was at his discretion in the first place. When the time came that I wanted a simple tattoo as research for a book, he allowed it because it was for my own reasons and not something marking me as his. When I asked, months later, if I could get it finished, he said no. I did not sneak out behind his back to get the tattoo finished. Because total power exchange.

He chose to allow me to learn to top others. He could have put a stop to it at any time. In the last couple years of our relationship, he let me go to spanking parties and receive. But there were rules for both. I could not touch the genitals of anyone. No one could touch my genitals. There was no kissing. No mouths touched me and my mouth touched no one. This was completely within his power to permit or refuse at any time, any party. Even if I was about to walk out the door, he could have told me to stay home and I would have had to obey. Because total…and at his discretion.

I didn’t ever intentionally disobey him on trivial things or for trivial reasons. He knew anything I did that was contrary to what he might have wanted was a “rock/hard place” moment and I made the best decision I could…in good faith.

Not once was his “power” diminished by any of his decisions. He chose when how to use his authority and exert himself…and chose when not. He made what he felt was the correct decision in the moment.

And I didn’t turn every decision into a battle in order to have my way. Pissing and moaning over every decision, undermining every decision or overriding them and doing whatever the fuck I wanted, would have undermined the entire TPE dynamic. It would not have been “total”.

TPE meant he decided and I abided. Period.

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written four “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twenty eight fiction books. She’s been doing this bdsm stuff for 34 years and lived TPE relationships for 31 years.

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

She enjoys crocheting, diamond painting, and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Using The Safe Word As A Weapon

September 29, 2021 By Dame TylerRose. 2 Comments

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Using the Safe Word as a Weapon

We see it all the time. “sub has the power because safe word!” or “sub has the power because can stop play at any time.”

Okay…I have some questions that stem from the many repetitious discussions on safe words that I see on a daily basis on this site.

WHY is your partner your enemy who must be beaten in all things?
Why is your partner such a foe that he/she must be held at bay every minute by the power of your consent and the threat of…of what, exactly?

If you don’t obey my safe word, then I’m going to…what? What are you going to do? Call the police? Nope, you won’t call the police. They almost never call the police, do they. They don’t file reports. They don’t prosecute.

So what do they do? Drag their partner through the mud of the court of public opinion on whatever social websites you have profiles on.

Which brings me to…

Why are you using the concept of the safe word as a weapon against your own partner?
If your partner is such an enemy and you cannot trust them to communicate when something is amiss, why the fuck are you with that person in the first damn place?

————-
TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written four “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over 30 fiction books.

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/

Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Punishment Is Always A Reward

September 23, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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In previous articles, and within my books, I have alluded to this concept. I thought that this week, I’d focus in on it to highlight a very common misconception: That to make a punishment be effective for changing behavior in a D/s dynamic, it needs to be unpleasant enough for the submissive to encourage them to avoid the infraction. (Note: I am discussing actual punishment, not “Funishment” – scene time play in the form of punishments).

On the surface, this makes sense: If the person being punished hates the punishment, they will never want to experience it again – and will adjust their behavior to avoid it. If they fear the punishment, they won’t commit the infraction and the dominant will be happier, because they will not have to deal with the infraction again. You’ll often hear dominants talking about the severity of the punishment “matching the infraction”, and you will also hear that punishment needs to be swift and fitting.

All of this makes sense – until you consider the source of pleasure for a submissive. What thrills a submissive? What makes a submissive feel all subby inside? What washes a sub’s brain with Oxytocin and makes them feel so good about being a submissive?

In my discussions with submissives regarding things that “excite them most”, there is a common joy found in acknowledging (or having to acknowledge) their position in the relationship relative to their dominant. They LOVE to recognize that they are at the dominant’s beck and call – and at their whim.

They want to be helpless and dependent on the dominant. They want to feel the dominant’s authority. This was the root cause of excitement identified with of many fantasies, including: Bondage / suspension, Blackmail, Contracts, Humiliation, Chastity, Losing bets, etc. The idea that the submissive “has no choice but to comply” is ultra-alluring. It triggers sensations of fulfillment in people who are submissive.

So, let’s consider punishment. Who is allowed to punish someone? It must be someone with the authority to do so. Parents, teachers, wardens, governments – all with accepted authority to enforce rules. If you are being punished, you accept that punishment because you acknowledge and cede to the authority of the body punishing you — or you’d never allow it to happen.

Now, conflate the ideas: People only allow themselves to be punished by those with the recognized authority to do so – and submissives are excited by recognizing, or having to recognize, their relative position in the power dynamic and the authority of the dominant over them.

Therefore, I offer that this no way to punish a submissive without also rewarding them!

Furthermore, the more distasteful the punishment to the submissive, the greater the reward. Why? Because the more the submissive despises the punishment, the more they must recognize that they have agreed to allow themselves to be punished. The power imbalance created by their power dynamic is highlighted and elevated. They are “forced” to recognize that the dominant has the AUTHORITY to punish them – even with things that they hate. This fact EXCITES the submissive on some level – and their brain REWARDS them by filling them with all sorts of yummy subby pleasure chemicals. They feel more helpless; more “owned”.

The more difficult / distasteful / severe the punishment is, the more this reward-effect is realized.

The obvious irony is that the purpose of punishment is to modify behavior (or create a catharsis for guilt relief…there are many theories of why punishment is used – not to be discussed here), but the punishment, in and of itself, runs the risk of REWARDING the submissive for their bad behavior.

If you doubt this, look at the number of submissives who advertise exactly how they are willing to be punished for failing to serve properly. Or look at the number of submissives who deliberately act up whenever they feel they aren’t getting the attention they desire – or are checking the resolve of the dominant to force them to submit. Consider brats and how that behavior is often motivated by a desire to have the dominant exert their will and overcome their resistance.

A dominant who is trying to design punishments that will be severe enough to have the desired impact, is going to be sadly surprised to find that the behavior, although resolved in the short-term, will reappear again – usually if no punishment has been delivered in a while. They will be constantly escalating to attempt to stay above the submissive’s tolerance – only to find that backfire into more and more severe punishments…and a bunch of frustration!

What I Do In Lieu of Punishment

I published this in the article, “Why I don’t punish”. I recognized this “paradox” (it’s not really a paradox, as it really makes so much sense) a long time ago and vowed that punishment is simply not going to work with submissives. I concluded that the only way to really change behavior is to insist that the submissive provide the self-discipline to correct their behavior based on my explanation of my preferences and feedback on how what they’re doing is making me feel.

I recognize that a sub’s actions can sometimes be due to something that I do, or don’t do. I am not perfect (gasp, I know!)…so, I encourage my submissives to talk about what they need, before they’re acting up or acting out. Maybe I’m not demonstrating my position clearly. Maybe I’ve been a little lax or neglectful. It could happen. Maybe my sub is feeling a little alone in the dynamic and feels the need to check in, to make sure I still value their submission. That’s on me. How they go about resolving that and bringing it to my attention, however, is on them. I am approachable and will listen. If they are acting up, they are not taking advantage of my openness…and they need to talk to me.

If a submissive cannot correct their behavior – even after my insistence, explanation, and openness to listen, then THEY are putting the dynamic in jeopardy. I’m not saying that the only punishment is to dissolve the power dynamic – but I am saying that, if open communications of why something is displeasing to me, what I want them to do better (and why), and insistence that they correct the issue, doesn’t result in long-termed change, I’m not interested in wasting both of our time continuing the dynamic. Dissolving the dynamic isn’t a punishment, it’s a consequence brought about by their inability to change. It takes a lot to get to that point – but that’s where it’s going, if things don’t change.

Dominants: Consider avoiding punishment and favor open discussion and instance for change – explore to find root-causes for misbehavior and remain open to the possibility that it’s something you can control. Explain what you want and why you want it – and insist on it. Recognize that any punishment will be a reward at some level – and will likely work against the change you’re trying to achieve.

Submissives: Recognize that the responsibility for living up to your commitment to submit is yours. If you find yourself attempting to motivate your dominant to discipline you, introspect as to why and discuss it openly with your dominant.

Hopefully, this will give you cause to think – and maybe even change your opinion on discipline within your D/s dynamics. Happy power!

Benefits To The Dominant

September 16, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

A man approached me, asking for help convincing his wife to take him on as her submissive. As they often do, he explained how she is very demanding naturally: Always wanting to be in control of the household, always “mothering” him and always telling him what he can and can’t do, etc. He said she’d be the “perfect dominant”.

He explained that they had discussed his interest in submitting to her a few times – and that they had even tried evenings and weekends, where he was her slave. They both enjoyed themselves during these sessions, but their dynamic reverted immediately after the session was over and she never seemed to initiate it on her own, afterwards.

He had tried to broach the subject, but she eluded (his word) his efforts. He tried “Stealth Submission” (submitting to her without her knowing, in hopes that she would like the service and start to demand it), but she never caught on that anything was happening.

To convince her to let him serve her, he had created a rationale list: 20 reasons why accepting him as her submissive would benefit her. Things on the list included: “Never having him disagree with her”, “Never pestering her for sexual activity and leaving initiation to her alone”, “Getting all the housework done to her satisfaction”, “Staying by her side at all times so that he’s always available”, “Staying in chastity to assure all attention stays on her”, “worshiping her”, “waking her up to oral sex every morning”, etc.

Reading through the list, it was obvious that he had absolutely no idea what his wife really wanted from him. I asked him if she had suggested ANY of the things on the list, to which he replied, “No…but it’s in her nature”. I reasoned with him that, given his natural submissive tendency, if his wife wanted him to be her slave in the manner he was presenting, after 10 years of marriage, didn’t he think he’d already be on his knees? I mean, if she really wanted him in chastity, giving her oral sex every morning, wouldn’t he already be doing it? He sat, a little at a loss for words.

Then, he presented the next most frequent argument: That he would be love to give her all the things she wants, if she would just take control of him. I asked, “So, what you’re saying is that the only way your wife can get what she really wants from you, is to make it fun for you? You would not be interested in actually serving her unless she first serves your fantasies?” That got a quiet stare.

I explained that “benefits” are in the eye of the beneficiary. If she doesn’t see something as a benefit, then it isn’t one. Period. I asked him if the things he was offering up as benefits were really things that he honestly felt SHE would consider a benefit. He admitted that he didn’t really know for sure.

The only way for a submissive to know what a given dominant feels are the true benefits of having them as a submissive, is for her to communicate them to him. If she offers up that definition of submission, then it behooves him to listen! If she doesn’t offer it up, then it’s up to him to ask. I tried to help him with techniques to get her to formulate a definition of submission to her (the Egyptian Pharaoh Exercise, for those of you who have read my writings).

He asked me what I felt the chances were that she would find doing things like “putting him in chastity and making him do housework naked except a collar” would be submission for her. I told him that I didn’t know her at all – and that he had a much better shot at answering that question than I did (and I assume he already knows the answer, BTW). I suspected the answer would be “very low”, but I also said that I wouldn’t rule anything out – and that it was possible. Then I pointed out that the upside of getting her to define what submission means to her, is that, if in fact she DOES enjoy those things, he’s going to end up doing them, anyway. I repointed him to the Task List Exercise, as a great way to help categorize and structure ideas for submission. He agreed to try it out.

What I find so interesting is how many people fall into the same trap of assumption and stereotype. I believe they want their partner to want what the stereotype tells them is desirable, and are afraid to explore their unique partner’s reality. They think it’s easier to get their partner to change than to change themselves, which is a fallacy, since change is a function of motivation – and who has the strongest motivation to make a D/s dynamic work?

The infamous Rolling Stones lyric, “You can’t always get what you want…but you find sometimes, you get what you need” is in full-force here. Long-lasting happiness comes from getting what you need, not from getting exactly what you want. In the case of submission, long-lasting submission comes from finding what you need through giving your dominant what they want. Find out what truly benefits your unique dominant – and deliver that to the best of your ability!

The Case Of Trevor Bauer

September 9, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

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In our world, a lot can go wrong if we are not very careful. Trevor Bauer, professional baseball player, is currently finding this out. Pending the outcome of a restraining order hearing in LA Superior Court and potential criminal charges, the outlook does not get much worse. All over a series of potential kink encounters gone wrong.

Before I go any further, this is not about his potential innocence or guilt. Or the voracity of the claims of his accuser. It is looking at the overall circumstances which potentially led to this point from the lens of kink. I was not there and do not know all the facts. Likely the real truth will never see the light of day. Bystanders like us are left to speculate what may have happened. Which I am not doing either.

What this article will examine some of the potential failure points as IF this was a kink encounter gone bad and what might have been done to prevent things going as they did.

Just the Facts Ma’am

There is no one news story, article, or piece of court document which gives us a very good picture of what transpired. But after reading over fifty differing accounts of the court testimony and other sources a pattern begins to emerge where their stories match up. These are what I am hanging my hat on.

There were only two encounters between the two of them both at Bauer’s residence.
The two of them texted extensively and that during these exchanges “rough sex” was discussed at length to which they both indicated they were into.
At some point in time a discussion on limits was had. Unknown what time or by what means the discussion took place. During these discussions his accuser did indicate some activities she was not comfortable with. We do not know what those are.
The first encounter included rough sex as well as choking to the point of unconsciousness, fingers being shoved down her throat, impact by hand without bruising, and vaginal and anal sex. The latter possibly by force while she was unconscious.
That when she regained consciousness, she asked him to stop, and he did.
In between encounters she stated via text that she had never been more turned on than after their first encounter. This included her admission she liked “rough sex” and his statement that she probably did not like it as rough as he did. To which she replied, “Bring on the pain.”
They agreed to meet a second time.
The second encounter included rough sex as well as choking to the point of unconsciousness, impact by hand which included bruising, and vaginal and anal sex. The later possibly forced during the period of unconsciousness.
That when she regained consciousness, she asked him to stop, and he did.
That she incurred significant bruising as a result of the second encounter. She also experienced petechial hemorrhaging around the eyes and darkened gums potentially as a result of being choked.
That they communicated via text after the second encounter during which she relayed images of the marks, bruising and hemorrhaging and he relayed his concern and offered support.
That a day or so after the second encounter she sought medical assistance at an emergency room. During which the ER nurse administered a SART Examination (evidentiary examination for sexual assault) and notified law enforcement.
Law enforcement did interview her. Law enforcement has not filed since charges or made an arrest on Bauer.
Approximately a month later she filed for a protection order through the LA Superior Courts, Civil Division.

These lead me to believe they were engaged in kink; that they were both probably not very experienced; and the level of play did not match to the level of relationship or trust.

If so, where did it all go wrong and what are the failure points? What could they have done differently?

In the Beginning Consent – Potential Criminal Liability (leaving the protective order issue aside)

Like most kink cases we have seen in the past Bauer is trying to argue these were consensual encounters and very possibly, given what we know, they were. But that does not matter one bit. As I have written in the past, consent as a legal defense regarding kink is a very iffy bet at best. Both regional and federal courts have ruled against consent as a defense in kink consistently.

Why?

Because it does not matter if the person receiving gave their consent as they cannot legally consent to a criminal act. In this case significant physical injury and forced penetration while unconscious. California has a specific law on the latter.

Even Before Consent to the Act

What happened to not playing hard with people we barely know? Especially not Edge Play like choking. This more than anything else leads me to believe they are inexperienced players.

What is on display here is a wanton disregard or being completely naïve of practices we know help protect us from both severe physical harm and legal issues. I can see some lower-level negotiation before very light play and have no problem with it. Yet here, they went all in without any known trust bond or relationship.

That is not only reckless from a legal standpoint, but from a personal safety standpoint also.

What we do in kink is risky, so risk seeking is hard coded in the DNA for many of us. Yet this drive to find the next physical and emotional high through play needs to be tempered with some restraint and good judgement. More often than not, we see newer players lacking in these areas, because they are new, lacking that experience, and get caught up in a current sweeping them along.

We need to take a significant amount of time to vet and get to know a person fairly well if we are going to play heavy. There is not any substitute for it and the potential consequences of ignoring this step are national headlines today.

The Marks of Passion

Whether we like it or not, they are evidence of a potential battery. As kinky people we do not view them this way, but the law does. Any time we leave a mark on someone, we have to be at peace with the potential consequences. If not, I would seriously advise against leaving any.

Bauer not only left marks but choked the accuser to the point where there was petechial hemorrhaging. Approximately 30 seconds of sustained pressure causes the blood vessels in the face to burst. This amount of force and time for the petechiae to develop puts the bottom in imminent risk of permanent physical harm. Law enforcement knows this and may charge Bauer accordingly as it could be viewed as attempted homicide or at the least a felony battery. The next 10 to 40 years of his life could be forfeit.

Not being able to hammer this point enough….. if you are going to play this hard, you better be able to trust your partner. Both ways. Not the, “I’ve known them for a few months,” kind of trust. The I would trust them with my life and raising my kids if I died kind.

If they are both inexperienced players as I suspect, Bauer and his accuser probably had no idea what they were getting into or they likely would not be where they are with this issue today.

Have a plan for seeking medical attention if needed. Seek out kink friendly professionals in your area who understand the marks they see, may not be abusive. Take the time to learn first aid, wound care, and more advanced medical aid appropriate to the type of play you are engaging in. If both of them were experienced, had a plan, and taken the time to train in how to deal with kink injuries….. perhaps this could have been avoided.

It’s the Unseen Things Which Can Bite Us the Worst

If Bauer knew her medical history, it is currently unknown if he did. Perhaps he did not know enough to even ask. Here that history may have played a significant role. During the court hearing the nurse who administered the SART examination openly testified in court the accuser’s use of ibuprofen prior to the second encounter could have exacerbated the bruising. The accuser was also taking the prescription medications Lexapro and Gabapentin. These in combination are a serious cocktail and may have also contributed to the excessive bruising.

Lexapro is an antidepressant and anxiety medication. Not digging on anyone who needs it or uses it. But as a top I would want to dig a little bit on this to make sure the person I was playing with is ok enough to do so.

Gabapentin is used with other medications to prevent and control seizures. It is also used to relieve nerve pain in adults and is known as an anticonvulsant or antiepileptic drug. Knowing this I would be very hesitant to engage in heavy impact or choking/breath play. Regardless of why the accuser was taking the medication, they may be less likely to have a healthy pain response and unable to tell me the difference between the good pain (of impact play) and bad pain, to prevent seriously damaging them. Further, a restriction of oxygen could trigger a seizure.

Whether we like it or not, as tops we do have a responsibility to say no to play if we believe someone is not ready for the activities we want to engage in. Physically or mentally. Talking about medical history and medications is the only way to gain the needed information so we can make an informed decision. People involved in kink need to get past the embarrassment or secrecy they may hold regarding their personal information in this regard. It is for our own personal and collective safety.

Where It All Ends Up

There is no way to tell at this point what the outcome of the protection order hearing will be let alone potential criminal charges for Bauer. When this article is published, at least one of those may have been decided. Hopefully, with the release of additional information we can learn more about the circumstances and use it to better protect ourselves.

In the meantime, please take this article for what it is, partly fact, and partly speculation. Both used to highlight potential legal and physical risks of play. I am not suggesting you should stop everything and go through your medicine cabinet or quit playing all together. Only that some of what we do has to be approached with real planning and thought; a bit of caution aided with a modicum of knowledge; and whole heap of covering your own ass before the fact.

Vetting; developing trust; understanding the kinks you are exercising and the risks; having an understanding of each others’ medical concerns, history, and medications; as well as having a plan for if play goes wrong are all key points we need to be aware of and practice.

If we do not, we are rolling a loaded pair of dice and the odds are against us.

Bauer rolled snake eyes.

News Stories and Relevant Links (unfortunately case transcripts are not available in full at this time)

Drug Interaction Checker – Find Interactions Between Medications (webmd.com)

9 Entirely Un-Sexy Risks of BDSM and How to Avoid Them (Part 1) (kinkoutloud.com)

9 Entirely Un-Sexy Risks of BDSM and How to Avoid Them (Part 2) (kinkoutloud.com)

Petechial Hemorrhage | Encyclopedia.com

Kink Aware Professionals (KAP) – Sex-Positive Support for Kink and Nonmonogamy (kapprofessionals.org)

Trevor Bauer Court Documents: Sexual Assault Accusation Details | Heavy.com

Trevor Bauer: California woman shares her brutal fear during restraining order hearing – Sports Illustrated

Trevor Bauer’s accuser cross-examined by Dodgers pitcher’s attorney on 2nd day of restraining order hearing – ABC7 Los Angeles

Trevor Bauer accuser details why she asked for restraining order – The Washington Post

What we learned from Day 2 of the Bauer Hearing – Beyond the Box Score

Trevor Bauer accuser becomes flustered by cross-examination – Los Angeles Times (latimes.com)

Bauer accuser grilled about past relationships with Padres players, deleted messages – Daily News

Trevor Bauer’s attorneys question his accuser (nypost.com)

Trevor Bauer (トレバー・バウアー) (@BauerOutage) / Twitter

Trevor Bauer’s hearing begins with testimony from accuser – Los Angeles Times (latimes.com)

Trevor Bauer accuser testifies against Dodgers pitcher in restraining order hearing – ABC7 Los Angeles

TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to and helps admin several online kink, polyamory, and swing culture groups on Facebook such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; Virtual Munch; and Pittsburgh Lifestyle. His writing includes information on self-improvement, kink education, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics, healthy and healing relationships, power exchange, safety and much more. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for over three decades. He can be contacted and view much of his other writing on FetLife @ TAC_1.

The Risk Of Violating Underlying Relationship Requirements

September 2, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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This week, I’d like to address a question posed to me by a submissive. He was asking if I thought that cuckoldry had to be accepted by a submissive, if his dominant desired it. Most of us reading this know the answer is “No” – but the reason behind that “no” might have a different source for me than it does for others.

Other dominants he spoke to (and some submissives) discussed “Limits” and “Negotiation” and used those terms to provide a rationale for not having to allow oneself to be cuckolded. The idea was, if he didn’t consent to cuckoldry, the dominant had no right to do so.

I’m not going to argue that point at this time…suffice it to say that, for scene-based dynamics with people who may not know each other very well, limits and negotiations are critical practices and need to be respected. For long-termed, committed relationships on which power dynamics are layered, there are more natural protections between partners, because caring for each other’s wellbeing (both physically and mentally), a desire to protect each other, and mutual respect for each other and their needs will come into play before abuse sets in. So for me, in my relationships – and for this particular sub, who was married for 25 years before establishing a power dynamic, the latter was more appropriate and limits have less practical value.

For me, the reason my answer to his question was “no”, was more about cuckolding itself. Cuckoldry is a practice that violates the basic requirements of the type of relationship that mandates fidelity. In other words, cuckolding violates a core requirement of the underlying relationship of their marriage and really has little to do with dominance / submission.

Whether or not someone can handle their partner with another will depend on their tolerance for infidelity / openness within their relationship, not their level of obedience. Some people will be able to tolerate an open relationship, others will not. Some relationship types have “fidelity” as a requirement – others do not. For example, it would be hard to cuckold a client — or even a friend with no exclusivity — but unless the agreement is an open relationship, a marriage would form the foundation for cuckolding.

What I’m saying is that, for some relationship types, fidelity falls in the same category as other underling relationship attributes, such as: Trust, caring, honesty, respect, mutual fulfillment of need, open communications, etc. Relationships require these attributes to be healthy, with or without a power dynamic. In some relationships, exclusivity may be considered to be a requirement.

Yes, you could deprive a submissive any of these things as part of your power dynamic. But violate these enough, and the relationship itself may fail as a result of it. It’s not a factor of “how good a submissive they are” or “how obedient they are”, it’s a factor of their NEED when in a relationship and whether they can tolerate maintaining a relationship without these things (with or without a power dynamic). That’s going to be an individual measure and a measure independent of the power dynamic.

In the case of forcing a sub to accept cuckolding, the outcome will be determined by the sub’s tolerance for cuckolding. It won’t be about whether he’s a dedicated submissive. He might try to accept it and make the dominant happy – with the intent of serving her – but ultimately, he will face his capacity for accepting this from the perspective of the underlying relationship. Not the power dynamic. Another way to view this, if a partner doesn’t have an issue with their spouse being with other people, it’s awfully hard to cuckold them! Cuckold, in many ways, implies a lack of consent / knowledge.

For dominants, you need to be aware of the potential risks of violating underlying relationship requirements. When using a power dynamic to stress these underlying requirements – you need to understand that the sub’s outward reaction isn’t always what’s really going on. Sometimes, a sub’s desire to be misused or maltreated will motivate them to accept a violation of their underlying requirements, even though it wounds them. Their desire to be “out of control” may encourage them to hide that wound – or accept it as a consequence of their submission. That can work for a while, but over time, this wound can deepen and eventually undermine the entire relationship – and by the time you see it, it may be too late to recover. There is a threshold that is created and when you cross that threshold, the titillation of playfully-abusive practice is recognized as actual abuse. At that point, the relationship is in jeopardy.

To avoid this, the dominant needs to be aware when they’re playing with relationship requirements – and that the potential for wounding their submissive is strong. We need to be extra vigilant and observant – and give the submissive repeated opportunity to “check in” and speak freely. We need to anticipate and seek out negative consequences. We must consider to choose to avoid those practices for the good of the relationship.

You don’t know your limits until you exceed them – the trick is to do so in a safe way that allows you to come back across the line intact. Having a power dynamic is no excuse to abuse underlying relationship requirements. Keep them in mind, respect them, and be open about them.

Consent in a 24/7 TPE Power Exchange

August 26, 2021 By SafferMaster 3 Comments

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Everything in kink requires consent. It is only inside of consent that the activities we engage in can occur. Without consent, many of the activities we engage in might in fact be considered crimes. From 1,000 feet away, that is certainly true. On the other hand, simple things, especially now that the nation is opening up again and we are starting to hear about clubs and play spaces opening up again, engaging with kinksters in a public space requires consent. “Is it ok if I do this ….?”

Negotiating in pick up-play for instance, requires at the very minimum, that consent around hard limits is discussed and agreed to, but what about consent in a 24/7 TPE dynamic? How is consent managed where one person gifts their power to another.

In our situation, I am a sensual sadist, and my partner is a submissive masochist. For me to be fully self expressed in my sexuality, I need her to operate as my uninhibited collared slut that gifts me her submission with her consent. It is a given.

The question that consideration raises though is how do I know I have her consent? Its not like we go through a daily scene with me asking her with every action I take if I have her consent. So how do I know.

One aspect of our dynamic is that we both operate with the full understanding that each of us is 100% responsible for the health of the dynamic. That requires that each of us respond to any event, thought, statement or suspicion that there is something perhaps out of sorts by addressing it immediately. We also hold an especially important context of our dynamic at all times. That being that there is nothing wrong. So if one of us sees or says something that raises concern, that awareness arises in context that there is nothing wrong so we can deal with what’s actually so. We do not allow stories to enter into the discussion. At first, as we were getting related and learning about each other’s habits and routines, we had cause to have a conversation around this idea that “there is nothing wrong” and once we established that as a context for our relationship, there have been few if any circumstances where we would have to address each other from a place of mistrust.

Another aspect of our dynamic is that we are both sex forward and kink forward. This is something that was established even before we met. We both wanted to live in a dynamic that was highly sexualized. The upshot of that is that we play almost daily. The result of having over 1,000 iterations of our kinky sexuality expressed lives as lived is that we know each other pretty well. I know when I am pushing her limits and I know when she is on the edge. I am responsible for keeping her on the edge and not taking her past her limit.

At the beginning of our sceneing, once she had been claimed, and even to this day after being collared, she has safe words. Yellow for “I like this but it’s a bit too intense at the moment, keep going” to “Red” which in our world is simply to “stop now, check in and see if we should continue”. And remember, there is nothing wrong, so reding out is not a big deal. At the same time, I can tell you that she has used “yellow” a couple times 3 years ago, and she has never needed to red out. She was told at the outset that “I don’t break my toys”. This gave her confidence to test her limits.

This brings me to the most important part of consent in a 24/7 TPE dynamic. Consent is based entirely on trust.

I have had to earn her trust over time as her Master and as her Dom.

Consider when we met, I had been operating as a disciplinarian in one dynamic and has a cruel sadist in another and as a Bull in another and she had never been in a kink dynamic although she had been doing kinky things all through her adult life.

We had to find a way to relate as kinksters so that our dynamic pulled each of us in directions that we wanted to explore, and to expand our experience of our own sexuality as we explored the twists and turns of the rabbit hole together. This was a process of trial and error. Mostly we talked a lot. Before, during, and after scenes. I tried many fetishes and kinks with her and she had the experience of being all in. When things got too hard, she yellowed and after when asked about things we did, she would say, “I liked this, or I didn’t like that”. This enabled me to hone the ways we played so that I kept her in a state of heightened arousal, which is what I find deeply arousing. I want her in a trance state on the verge of climax at all times during our scenes.

I am sexually aroused when the woman I am with is present with me and puts herself forward to be my sex toy. My 3-hole slut, my personal masochist. And my partner, Lady Petra does just that. The trust that is present goes both ways. There are times I want her to Top in a scene to explore some aspect of my own sexuality, like prostate massage for example, and I need to have complete and unwavering trust in her too.

One of the ways I know I have her consent is that she chooses to kneel for me whenever I ask. I have also given her the right to choose to kneel without my request so that if she feels the urge to be used, she can request that I use her by presenting herself. If she did not feel like I had her consent she would never put herself forward to be used day after day. The act of preparing for use is consent itself.

The fact that in being used, she experiences multiple squirting orgasms for about 40-90 minutes at a time is perhaps one reason that she consistently puts herself forward…but I contend that our communication is clean enough that if she did have something to discuss regarding our play or our dynamic, she would do so.

Our dynamic is a 24/7 dynamic in fact. It encompasses every aspect of life. We have created protocols for many of the specifics that day to day life requires. Why that is important is that our adherence to protocols allows us to keep a monitor on the relationship in the same way that a pilot monitors his or her instrument panel. All the dials on the jet’s instrument panel point in one direction. So, if one dial is out of sorts (pointing away from vertical), the pilot will notice it immediately. This is similar. If there is not adherence to one or another protocol it is similar to the instrument panel dial pointing in the wrong direction. In our dynamic that is unlikely though, because Lady Petra is extraordinarily obedient, and I am very much turned on by her obedience.

One aspect of our consent agreements boils down to this. We agree to put the dynamic aside and speak as equals if need be. Early on in our dynamic, we had to do this a couple of times till we could get flat about whatever it was that was bothering one or the other of us. For more than 2 years now, that has not come up. One reason is that we are both being responsible for the dynamic as I noted earlier. We take the idea of creating the dynamic seriously.

I am responsible for creating how I occur to her. She is responsible for creating how she occurs to me. She pulls me to her by they way she shows up for me. She creates me when she prepares herself to be used and lets me know that she is indeed ready for me. This means that however long it takes me to get there, I will find her kneeling offering me her leash, or on days when she is ready to be marked, she offers me the cane.

I am also responsible for how she occurs to me. Consider that. If she is upset, its my responsibility. Its up to me to get to the bottom of it and to do whatever is needed to get her back to being happy. I leave her the way I leave her. So, when she is upset, I own it, and when I say I am responsible for how she is experiencing me, it is both disarming and affirming. The point is that it is my responsibility to create her experience as my collared slut. I want her fully enrolled in being my personal masochist. My personal perfectly designed 3-hole whore. My fuck toy. I want her to have the experience of feeling like being with me is a magic carpet ride. Every day. How do I know I have her consent? Because after I use her, she sits up and takes my face in her hands and kisses me passionately telling me that I am a magician. We describe our experience together as “bliss”. We both experience what our Tantra friends call “a Kundalini Awakening”.

I have her consent because we are both experiencing the deepest, most connected, most intimate, highly sexualized, satisfying, passionate, hottest loving relationship we can possibly imagine. And we created it. It has turned out better than we could possibly expect.

She chooses to kneel for me. This is how I know I have her consent.

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com

New coaching content can be found on out Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/

Predators Can Have Great References

August 19, 2021 By Dame TylerRose. 2 Comments

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Predators don’t violate everyone they play with. They need people who can honestly say “oh, yeah, it was great”. They need people who will be a good reference so they can find and groom new prey.

New prey. That would be you.

No one is going to give you the name of someone they’ve violated.
No one is going to give you the name of someone who will say “oh, yeah, him…he’s going to pee in your mouth after you tell him, vehemently, that you don’t want him to do that.”

No one is going to give you the name of someone who has accused them of consent violations, which are the people you’d WANT to hear from. Or, you think you do. Some people hear negative stories and think “Gosh, what if those people are exaggerating? It couldn’t have been that bad.” We see them posting every time someone pops up with their horrific story of abuse and consent violations.

They’re going to give you the names of the people they did NOT violate. You know, the ones who post “he played with me lots of times and I never had any problem” on those same writings.

Let me tell you what, but this serial predator is smarter than you.
He knows he’s smarter than you are because he picked you carefully. He’s had his system in place for YEARS and probably was watching you for months waiting to make his move. Yes, some predators are opportunistic. We’re talking about the patient planner here, the one who will wait for you to walk willingly into his arms.

You aren’t the first victim and you won’t be the last because (let’s face it) you WON’T go to the police. You’ll be too embarrassed, regardless the hurt done to you. Almost no one files charges, let alone sees it through to final verdict.

“But he had such great references!” Of course he did. He made sure of it.

Maybe you should spend the time getting to know them rather than jumping in with both feet because someone you don’t know said “yeah, he’s a great guy.”

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She has over 30 years of experience in SM play and d/s relationships. She is aan award-winning author who has written three “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twenty eight fiction books. Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828 She enjoys crocheting and diamond painting, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Adult Nursing Relationships

August 12, 2021 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

For as long as I can remember, I have had an oral fixation. Initially, it started with chewing. I bit or chewed everything. I always assumed it was a stress response. As I got older, it developed into a love of sucking. I often used my own wrist or lollipops if I was outside my home. As I became more comfortable with it, I moved to using teething necklaces and pacifiers.

I find sucking comforting. It quiets my mind and help calms me emotionally. So, in times of stress or highly charged emotions, I use my mouth. When I entered a relationship with my wife, I just didn’t bring it up. I continued as I had for most of my life, by self-soothing.

What you may not know about me is that I used to write fanfiction. I do, in fact, still read it to this day. Somewhere in one of the stories, I was introduced to Adult Nursing Relationships (ANRs).

So, what is it?

It has several different names that can be used interchangeably. However, I do think the way someone refers to an ANR, reflects their interest in it.

Traditionally, ANRs are typically seen as pertaining to heterosexual couples, since this most often occurs after childbirth. ANRs are not specific to any particular sexuality, gender, or relationship type (such as a Domestic Discipline, 1950’s, Caregiver/little, or D/s dynamic).

The relationship aspect to ANR simply means there is some kind of underlying connection between the individuals. It does not need to be a romantic or long-term relationship, although often times they are. ANRs do not need to be sexual either. The main attraction of breast feeding is often about bonding, close skin-to-skin contact, or the feelings of nurture from either suckling or being suckled.

So, let’s get into some definitions now that we know the background information.

Adult Nursing– It is simply a person who drinks the milk of another.

-Medically, drinking a woman’s milk was done to alleviate the pain of swollen breasts, whether from a lack of natural expression or just an overabundance of production.

Erotic Lactation– sexual arousal from drinking a woman’s breastmilk. Lactophilia and Milk Fetishism are also terms that refer to this kind of sexual excitement (though they are mostly used in the field of psychiatry and listed in the ICD-10 and the DSM-IV). Hucows (or Human Cows) also fall under erotic lactation but are more of a sexual fetish that involves animal play and milking.

ANRs can be romantic relationships, sexual relationships, emotional relationships, roleplay, or any combination thereof.

There is also a phenomenon called dry suckling. Dry suckling is the suckling (or gentle application of sucking and licking) without milk production.

This is the one I enjoy. My wife did not enjoy breastfeeding nor having her breasts swollen with milk. When she stopped producing, she swore to never do so again. While there are ways to induce milk production, we have chosen to not take those steps. I find it emotionally soothing.

Adult Nursing Relationships tend to develop one of two ways. The first is natural development (or curiosity) after childbirth, in which your partner is naturally producing breastmilk. The second is through arduous negotiation, upkeep, and effort.

The reason I call the second one arduous is because inducing lactation is not an easy process. It requires constant suckling and stimulation to upkeep, even after milk production occurs. That said, it is said to be extremely fulfilling.

It should also be noted that some women struggle with or are incapable of producing breastmilk. Some of the medical conditions can include hypoplasia of the breast, lactation insufficiency, insufficient milk syndrome, agalactia, agalactorrhea, hypogalactia or hypogalactorrhe.

Even if you have not been diagnosed with any of these conditions, I always recommend seeing your primary care doctor for advice on inducing milk production, maintaining the supply, or how to cope with any struggles you may be having.

If you were to google it, there are hundreds of homeopathic remedies that say they can initiate or increase your milk supply. Since I do not have a medical degree, I refuse to offer up advice on those types of remedies or the possibilities of failure or success by using them.

Lactation can be incorporated into a relationship beyond suckling. In a D/s or M/s dynamic, it can give the D-type more control over their s-type’s body.

The ability of when or where the s-type can (or cannot) express their milk.
Keeping an s-type bound to a schedule
Breasts swollen with milk are more sensitive and can be incorporated with impact play for both pleasure and punishment (with care).
Milk can be shared with guests at the D-type’s discretion (and with negotiated consent).
If you push down on the breast (specifically at the point where the corner of the lips touch the skin) it breaks the suction. If done repeatedly, I consider it to be quite Sadistic.

*If it is the D-type who is lactating, the withholding of the ability to suckle can be used as a form of punishment or as a conduit to teach patience and self-control

Honestly, the possibilities are endless. The incorporation of certain types of play, such as needle play and/or piercings (play or permanent) should be assessed on a case-by-case basis to prevent too much trauma to the breast tissue, which could impact milk flow.

As mentioned earlier, ANRs can be enjoyed by any sexuality and gender. Biologically, men do not naturally produce breastmilk (except in a couple rare phenomenon in which the hormone prolactin becomes present in their body). However, there are ways that things can be adjusted to allow them to be the “producer.” The use of a nursing bra and a bottle of milk (or another liquid of choice) can mimic the natural process. Holding a partner and having them drink straight from a bottle can still give the same bonding experience while compensating for the inability to produce from the breast. Tubing can also be used to slow feed liquids. You can place the tubing near the nipple and have the individual suckle the nipple and the tubing at the same time. Please note that this needs to be done carefully and can be both messy and a choking hazard if done incorrectly.

Overall, Adult Nursing Relationships are what you make them. They can be sexual if that is what you wish. They can be about bonding and being emotionally connected to a partner. They can involve milk production or not (although the latter is considered a controversial idea).

For me, the most important part is the suckling. It brings me comfort and peace of mind. It soothes my frazzled nerves and calms me. I prefer to suckle at her breast, but I have learned to adjust to the wrist or inner elbow as needed (since her nipples tend to be the most erogenous part of her body). However you wish to look at it, ANRs are about connection. Whatever your connection looks like, as long as it is consensual, let your imagination be your guide.

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