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Remove the Power Dynamic and Re-Ask the Question

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly! 

Earlier this week, I received a question from a woman who was wondering how to approach her  dominant partner regarding the time he was spending with an ex-submissive. She was expressing anger  that he was not spending that time with her, and that she was conflicted about talking to him about it,  because he was her dominant. 

The day before that, I read a question in a FetLife discussion group regarding how to find compatible partners for a D/s relationship. 

The day before that, a woman was complaining that her dominant husband / ‘daddy’ wasn’t paying her  enough attention and was triggering a ‘fear of abandonment’ issue for her. According to her, it was ‘his  job’ to take care of her…and he wasn’t. 

These three problems share a common thread: They all highlight power dynamics in the relationship, and yet, all have absolutely nothing to do with power dynamics!  

In follow-up discussions with each of these people, I was able to ascertain the root of the real  issues…and in all three cases, the core values of the relationship were in question – not the power  dynamics. In the first case, the woman felt he was spending time with his ex that she felt he should  prefer he spend with her. In the discussion, I asked if she would feel the same way if it was a beer-buddy  that he was seeing, rather than an ex – and eventually she admitted it wasn’t the time so much as the  person. She was feeling insecure and threatened by an ex-partner of her partner. Who hasn’t felt that? 

The gentleman in the second problem was receiving advice from lots of folks online: Get out there, go to  munches, meet the person first then find kink compatibility, etc. It read like a lot of standard, vanilla  dating advice…because it was…because ultimately, he was looking for a partner…we’ve all done that. 

The third woman was dealing with an abandonment issue that she had already spent a lifetime in  therapy working through. She knew the tools she needed to put in place to help herself, but was  avoiding the effort and placing it on her dominant. But the real problem was the same as it always was and the resolution rested with her, as it always had. 

I don’t know whether it’s a need for self-importance or just a correlation vs. consequence conflation, but  I often see people who are in relationships with power dynamics giving WAY too much importance to  the power dynamic and denying the fact that they are in a good-old relationship. I often hear how much  “stronger” a relationship is, because it has a power dynamic. Or, how much better the people are at  communicating because they have a power dynamic that requires communication. 

I believe this is a correlation and not a consequence and I challenge it: Power dynamics are just one of  MANY mutual dynamics / passions a couple can share – any of which will strengthen a relationship and  many of which will exercise communications. In fact, any activity or dynamic in which you engage, that  exercises communications, will TEST those communication skills – and your relationship will hang in the balance. Having a power dynamic doesn’t improve your communication skills – good communication  skills improve your power dynamic. You can observe good communications in relationships that last, and  that includes power relationships that last. But it’s not the existence of the power dynamic that creates  the good communications…it’s the other way around. 

When folks approach me with questions / issues regarding their power relationships, most of the time the problem really has nothing to do with the power dynamic. Most of the challenges we face are plain old relationship conflicts that need plain-old relationship solutions. What I have also found is that most of the people who approach me already know the answer to the problem, but are failing to see it,  believing it must be different because they have a power dynamic! In some cases, they are HOPING it  will be different because they have a power dynamic! 

What I mean by that last statement is that many times the resolutions to relationship issues are difficult,  and it would be awesome if having a power dynamic would make them simpler to resolve. There is an  aspect of ‘giving up control’ that makes one’s life easier…and it is nice to think that giving up control will  make relationship issue resolution easier too. Unfortunately, the layers don’t really mix that way.  Relationship issues hit at a very base-level of NEED in people…and power dynamics aren’t impacting that  level in that way. You must deal with relationship issues as equal partners in a relationship. There are no shortcuts. 

I have found that resolution to most of these issues comes directly from the people themselves, once I force them to restate the question removing the power dynamic. When they voice their concern without consideration for their position in the power dynamic – and just look at it objectively within their knowledge of vanilla relationships, they suddenly can see the answer.  

Sometimes, this is all that’s needed. Sometimes, they don’t like the answer they see, when they are forced to realize that power dynamics can’t be used as a crutch, an excuse for lazy behavior, or a reason  to pass the burden of resolution onto their partner due to their role in the power dynamic. Issues with  power dynamics need to be addressed without the D/s dynamic. 

Next time you’re faced with a problem, try restating the issue without consideration for your power  dynamic. What would a vanilla person do? If the answer to that question is clear to you, like it or not, it  is probably the appropriate answer to your problem as well! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Bondage

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Bondage in kink is a big deal. It’s the “B” in BDSM. Bondage takes all forms. There is the notion of being  owned as a sub, as in you are in a bondage dynamic. You have surrendered your sovereignty, perhaps  not your agency, but your sovereignty. There is bondage in a scene, being tied up or locked up. There is  rope bondage and metal bondage and cage bondage.  

Bondage involves all sorts of tools. If you are into latex, you might be in bondage in a latex vacuum bed.  You might be in a straitjacket, or you might find yourself locked down with straps, tied up with rope,  restricted with chains, restrained with hand cuffs, kept from moving with saran wrap, or even tied up  with a necktie, with zip ties or even with saranwrap.  

Being a submissive who enters a power exchange where bondage is an agreed to activity, you are  looking to surrender your control to your Dominant. As a Dominant, being someone who puts someone  else in bondage, you are taking on the responsibility of that person’s wellbeing while they are in  bondage. This is an especially important consideration. It’s all on you as the “Bondage Top”.  

People do bondage related activity for a number of reasons. The most common experience of bondage  for a submissive is that they feel “safe and secure” in bondage and “cared for” by their Dominant who  make the choice to put them in bondage restraints. For Tops, the issue is simply the arousal that accrues  from power and control.  

The ultimate bondage experience to be enslaved. In most kink-oriented dynamics, the state of  Master/Slave is a roll-play construct, whereas there are in fact those submissives and dominants who  take to the construct very completely and for all intents and purposes the submissive is indeed a slave in  servitude to a Master or Mistress. We have talked to more than one Master and Slave where they  occupy the space of a life of bondage with total control accruing to the Master or Mistress with no  consent accruing to the slave. For the purposes of this piece, I do not intend to examine this level of  bondage. In this writing, I am assuming that all forms of bondage are consensual and are part of kink  play scenes or dynamics.  

Much of bondage play is limited to chastity. For Cis males, a simple cage keeps them in a form of  bondage that is a mind fuck. With their Master or Mistress being the keyholder, that ability to hold a  submissive in bondage in the form of chastity that controls their orgasms can be a very hot way to spice up a dynamic.  

Some forms of bondage, like rope bondage, require the rope top to be quite skilled. Naturally there is  some risk associated with rope bondage. A tie that is too tight in the wrong place can cause nerve  damage. If it’s too tight and on for too long it can cause other sorts of tissue or joint damage too. A rope  top who puts a joint in an extreme compression and does not allow the sub out in time can cause non reversable orthopedic problems with joint failure a consequence over the long term. The point is that in  order to participate as a rope bottom, one needs to be in communication with one’s rope top so that  they can come to a point of clarity about the severity of the bonds they employ.  

Naturally, there are metal bonds. My slut likes to be chained up. She finds that when I pull out the  chains and she hears the clink and clank of the links as I get set up, she drops into subspace almost  instinctively. Chains are very effective in restraining a submissive and with a few handy padlocks, very  quick to employ as compared to rope. They also take much less skill to use, but they do have a downside, that being that the metal is unforgiving vs soft tissue, so make sure not to put compression  on a nerve, especially at the wrist. Also true of you are using handcuffs for bondage.  

Bondage is also art. Rope bondage is quite beautiful when done well. Shibari is the Japanese art of rope  bondage. In fact, “…the origin of Shibari comes from Hojo-jutsu, the martial art of restraining captives. In  Japan from 1400 to 1700, while the local police and Samurai used Hojo-jutsu as a form of imprisonment  and torture, the honor of these ancient Samurai warriors required them to treat their prisoners well. So,  they used different techniques to tie their prisoners, showing the honor and status of their captured  prisoner.  

In the late 1800′s and early 1900′s a new form of erotic Hojo-justu evolved, called Kinbaku, the art of  erotic bondage. Today, particularly in the west, the art of erotic bondage is typically called Shibari, which  is an art of erotic spirituality, not a martial art.  

Shibari style rigging creates geometric patterns and shapes with rope that contrast beautifully with the  human body’s natural curves. The ropes and their texture provide contrast to smooth skin and curves. In  Shibari, the model is the canvas, the rope is the paint and brush, and the rigger is the rope artist.  

The aesthetic arrangement of ropes and knots on the model’s body in Shibari rigging emphasizes  characteristics like sensuality, vulnerability, and also strength. The positioning of knots in appropriate  places stimulates pressure points on the body, very similarly to acupuncture techniques and Shiatsu, a  form of Japanese massage. Some believe a Shibari experience also stimulates Ki energy flow and transfer.  

In addition to creating beautiful patterns, with rope, body and limb placements, Shibari rigging induces  physiological conditions known as “sub space” and “top space”, which are similar to the “runners high”  experienced by athletes. A Shibari experience results in an increased level of endorphins and other  hormones, creating a trance-like experience for the bottom/model and an adrenaline rush for the  Top/rigger. When a Shibari scene is performed with appropriate ambience, these effects are actually  visible in the face of the model. The term “rope drunk” is sometimes affectionately used to describe the  euphoric condition of the model after a Shibari experience.  

For most practitioners of Shibari, the use of rope bondage does not include an unwilling victim like the  “Damsels in Distress” images popular in Detective type magazines. Instead, there is a collaboration  between the Shibari artist (the rigger/Top) and the Shibari canvas (the model/bottom) to create a  combination of effects including visual beauty, power exchange, helplessness, relaxation, and sub space  and top space physiological experiences.  

Contemporary practitioners of Shibari enjoy creating beautiful still images, live and recorded  performance art. Shibari can also be used as a component in BDSM play and an enhancement in sexual  activities.” (source: https://artofcontemporaryshibari.com).  

The point is well taken, playing with bondage is like other D/s play dynamics where the essence of the  power exchange is expressed and realized through bondage play. The sub achieves an altered state of  mind and in many instances, as noted the top does too.  

Something about being helpless seems to be a major motivator for a sub to agree to bondage. One of  my favorite early moments with my sub occurred as I was testing her limits early in our dynamic. The scene cage bondage. I chained her in the cage on all fours. The chain held her head in place with a snug  loop around her neck that tightened if she sagged onto it (this allowed her to explore breath play to her  satisfaction) , and her arms were held in place at the wrist so she had to stay put. She was wearing a  lemon juice infused ball gag, so she was drooling profusely, and at the same time, she had a stick of wet  ginger in her ass which kept her attention, and of course, she was being relentlessly fucked with a fat  dildo by a fuck machine. When I eventually released her from her bondage, she was in a state of deep  subspace that lasted for hours after her release. When we talked later, she described the feeling of  being helpless for my pleasure as making her “very wet”.  

Gags are a simple form of bondage. Remember, all BDSM related bondage is about taking control away  from a submissive in a manner that ultimately enhances sexuality. Whether is gags, or rope, or chains, or  a cage or chastity, or simply an instruction, my submissive does not push back against imposed bondage.  She is obedient and she knows that if she is in bondage, it pleases me. One of the first times I put her in  bondage, I hogtied her. After she finished squirming, she relaxed into it and in a while was in a mental  space of feeling secure in her bonds for my satisfaction and then when I removed the bonds, she was  feeling both the side effects of being in bondage on one hand and proud of herself for being a good girl on the other.  

She likes it when I do things like tie her down and use her because it plays on that helplessness that she  finds so sexually arousing. If I restrain her by her tits while I fuck her ass, she cums hard.  

Bondage lives in the world of a power exchange. One thing we have been playing with in the context of  bondage is the notion of hypnotic bondage. We have found that hypnosis makes everything in our kink  dynamic better and we believe that hypnotic bondage is no exception.  

Bondage is a kink that depends on consent. It’s a choice to be helpless in a sexual context. It’s a choice  to put someone in bondage. Consent is required to take someone’s freedom away from them, even for  a short time. In many ways, bondage is the basic kink fetish that even those completely vanilla folks  sometimes employ to spice up their sex life. And it’s the thin edge of the kink wedge. First, it’s “here let  me tie you up” and then, it’s “here let me blindfold you” and all of a sudden you are mainlining kink. I  jest, but all of bondage play is designed to enhance sexual experiences and this is true from the simple  little tie to a bedframe, all the way to being suspended upside down in a Shibari rope scene. Very often,  bondage is used to secure a submissive who is then subject to impact play. For example, the first time I  used a cane on my slut, I tied her down so she would not squirm in a way that would create danger for  her. So it’s a useful tool in a layered kink scene (a scene where there is more than one fetish in play).  

There is another consideration on bondage where it is designed to be more in the realm of torture than  play. In sado-masochism, the submissive suffers for the sadist. You see this with things like breast  suspension, or perhaps restraining a submissive on a wooden pony, or hanging submissives by hooks in  their shoulders, or using clamps to hold them onto a wall or St. Andrews Cross. There are lots of ways to  add extremes utilizing bondage. I have known Tops to use coconut hemp which is very irritating, on one  hand to rubbing ginger on the metal bar she is resting on with her naked (spread) vagina while  restrained on the other, as a couple of examples.  

As with anything in kink, consent is the key. It is always useful to spend time after a scene with a  submissive in aftercare because of the depth of subspace that often occurs with extended bondage.  Aftercare is very important, and especially the debriefing part of aftercare. It’s important to talk about what worked and what didn’t. What should be further explored and what aspects of the scene should be  discarded. When your scene can inflict permanent damage on a submissive, its best to play with a  healthy dose of caution.  

We did a few podcasts on bondage:  

 Season1 Episode 74 The “Rope Podast” Interview  

 Season 1 Episode 29: Bondage, Slavery, Cages Rope and more!  

That you can find in our archive at https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/ 

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching  options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

New coaching content can be found on out Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast  platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/

What’s The Difference Between An Orgy and A Gang Bang?

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Gang Bang – one person is the central focus with several others fucking that person.Most people think of one room, one chick (guest of honor), and a buncha dudes. But there are gangbang nights at venues, with numerous women in attendance. They hit one of the beds at varying times through the evening. Some of the men will participate in more than one group.Most people also think the center person must be surrounded by partners with all the hands and mouths working. Personally, I prefer the “train” method. One after the other, take a number and form a line.The woman picks her crew, hits a bed, has her fun, and they all leave the bed when they’re done. The sheet is changed and ready for another group. The same woman may pick another crew and go at it again, two or three times, or more.While the party may last four or five hours, I’ve not personally seen any group encounter last much more than twenty minutes, for some reason. 

Orgy — “Do people walk into an orgy expecting anyone can do anything to them or that they can do anything to anyone?”
I’ve never seen an orgy at which anyone could do anything they wanted to anyone else. Consent still matters and, as I said, the events I’ve been to have been mostly heterosexual affairs. Bisexual men and women may be in attendance, but I’ve not personally seen man on man, woman on woman action. Or a woman pegging a man.

Sidebar: I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. Just that I’ve not seen it at the parties I’ve attended. (I’ve been to three venues and countless individual parties in the last four out of five years. The scene was put on hold for the plague.) Some venues have multiple rooms. I can’t be everywhere at once.I don’t attend bisexual or lesbian events, and heterosexual men aren’t interested in seeing man on man action. If there’s bi-action to be had, the het-men want to see two women together. Single het-men are the largest demographic at the parties I’ve attended. Since they pay the most to get in, they are the ones funding the party and making the promoter rich. Women are usually free to get in. If women were charged to get in, few would attend. (It’s called Gender Pricing.)If women don’t attend, there’s no party. 

Consent & Rules — Just because you’re in the big bed with 10 people doesn’t mean everyone can touch, fuck, suck, and lick every body part that comes within reach. Check the rules of the party before you attend. If you still aren’t sure, contact the organizer. Everyone has to mind your manners and ASK if they can touch. If they can suck. If they can fuck. If they can lick. If a couple is already going at it, you have to ask if you can join in. Some parties have a rule not to approach if people are already engaged, to wait until they are done and have left the bed to ask the woman if she would like to play with you. If you ask and the answer is no, then you don’t do that thing. Nor do you ask again. The answer was no. There’s no badgering allowed. There may be two or three beds pushed together to make a large surface, but there are also usually beds off to the side for those who don’t want to be on the big bed. A couple might have their play apart from the group. There’s no rule that everyone at an orgy has to be playing on the same bed or together. An orgy could also be a bunch of couples playing on separate beds. The definitions say: “wild or drunken festivity or revelry, especially involving sex with multiple participants” or “indiscriminate sex”. If we are to strictly follow the definitions, none of the “orgies” I’ve been to have been orgies. Because not everyone is drunk, and it’s not really that wild. It’s all rather orderly and not all that indiscriminate. They’re remarkably vanilla, straightforward sex with very little or no kink or SM activity, even when the venue itself is SM positive.
Excerpt from: The upcoming book Questions Frequently Asked About BDSM


Kink and Managing a Disability or Chronic Illness

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I have always known life was unfair. We see examples of it everyday; I experienced and have observed it here in the US and many countries abroad. Fair is in August at the fairgrounds, there is no promise of it anywhere else. Knowing this, it should not have been a shock when my charmed life was upended almost two years ago by this principle.

Before I go much further, this article is not going to be about how you should or should not let your disability get you down, what you should or should not do in kink regarding it….. It is about me, and my challenges. Hopefully by letting you read about them (for the normal folk) you will be a bit more patient toward us gimped up people. For those of you who do face challenges, maybe you can find some humor and hope.

But I digress. 

Almost two years ago I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. One morning I woke up and had no control over the left side of my body, had a hard time focusing or forming words, part of my tongue was numb, and half blind. Obviously, my better half was concerned especially since I struggled for a half hour to get myself together for work, like a dumb ass. After Nibbles threatened to knock me down and call an ambulance I relented and went to the hospital willingly. 

Honestly, at that point, I thought I had a stroke. 

The First Week

You guessed it, lots of tests: after several MRIs, CAT Scans, blood tests, an EKG, and two ultrasounds later I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. The neurologist put me on some high-octane drugs and steroids through an IV and I spent 5 days in the hospital. Time enough to contemplate and fear just how much my life had suddenly changed. Including kink. I was afraid I would never walk again, let alone be able to guide a needle or throw a flogger. The pit of despair I was falling into was immense. If it had not been for Nibbles and one other, I think I would have given up right then.

They reminded me I had a life to get back to no matter how that looked on the back side. We would figure it out and find our new normal. 

Getting My Feet Back Under Me

The first few months at home I began to get back most of the motor function I had lost. Weaker than I had been before, but able to get things done with a cane and taking extra time. Movement was still slow, delayed. I remember one morning looking at my coffee sitting on the dining room table thinking my way through picking the cup up and taking a drink. Gone were the days, at least for a while, where I could just respond to my desire for that liquid. Everything was now a process. 

And apparently, while I was not looking, I had become as fragile as a Faberge Egg. Every movement watched, being completely catered to, and my attempts to help out being rebuffed. I was allowed to do almost nothing for myself and I did not have the strength at the moment to fight it. So for once in my life, I did as I was told. At the time it was a great source of butt hurt for me. Now I have to look back and laugh at this sudden role reversal between myself and Nibbles. She was now in charge, taking on the dominant lead, and took the phrase mother hen to a whole new dimension.

Slowly I improved and over time I got back to more normal activities, well normal for me. Practicing with a flogger to see if I still could, a single tail, as well as other toys. Hell, I was not allowed to mow the lawn so might as well beat a pillow or two! And I did. 

I found that I could passably work with my right hand with some effort. Florentine was completely out of the question and working from my left, we’ll just say I resembled a penguin with palsy. Even I had to laugh. But I kept practicing.

Tigers Hate Cages…..Even if They Are Gilded Ones

The first time back to the club, I might as well have stayed home! NOBODY would let me do anything but sit. Playing was not happening as a rotation of hens, now a squad strong, made sure my glass was never empty, my plate always had a “healthy” choice on it, and companionship was never more than twelve inches away. Now under normal circumstances, this might sound like I had hit the jackpot. Died and gone to heaven. Even to this day I am appreciative for all their help (that night and many others). In the moment, I was frustrated. 

The big cat had finally made it back to his part of the jungle to be told he could not hunt. Doing the only thing I could, I put on a pleasant face and entertained those around me. From sunset until nearly three in the morning, I talked about whatever came to mind or was of interest. By the end of the night my voice was horse and throat so sore I wanted to jam a popsicle down my neck and leave it there. The experience gave me a new appreciation for the ladies who like to spend hours at a glory hole. Troopers one and all.

OK, So I Was Wrong – Changing My Perspective

If it is not apparent, to escape my coddled purgatory I needed to change how I approached things so those around me, acting out of a deep sense of care, would allow me to do what I do. Without hurting their feelings. I worked long and hard at home practicing with a couple of different floggers to make sure I was proficient enough to not embarrass myself or hurt someone. Finally satisfied with my progress, I talked to Nibbles and one of my play partners about setting up a scene that weekend. 

I do not think I have ever, in my life, had to run such a gauntlet consisting of the number of variations and iterations of the question, “are you sure?” in my life. 

I would rather have gone back through a military promotion board being grilled by senior non-commissioned officers for three days than repeat that hour or so of the concerned looks and expressions of uncertainty. I was certain, I was ready, and damn it……. If they let me….. I was going to do it. Thankfully, they relented. I had a date!

I realized though all that was happening, I was going to effectively earn their trust all over again. Not that they did not think me capable, kind of, but they did not want me to take on too much too soon and somehow goof myself up again. 

Friday night came and off to the club we went. On the 30-minute ride Nibbles made sure to remind me as often as every other mile marker not to overexert myself, to keep drinking water, and that it was ok to stop and sit down if things got too much. Bless her heart, really. I think she was way more nervous about my scene than I was. Being the legend in my own mind, I was focused on making my chosen bottom cherry red from her shoulders down.

What really happened was I did overextend myself. I had a great time doing it, but the bottom was more concerned with how I was doing the entire time than just being in the moment. I think I spent more energy redirecting her back into position and to focus than I did swinging the floggers. No matter, I was back. All uphill from there. Just nobody told me it was going to be five miles, barefoot, in the snow, and into a headwind.

Yes, I was going to have to earn their trust again. So, in the moment they could focus and not worry that I might collapse into a pile of unresponsive goo. How?

Learning to Just Be Me Again – With a Twist

The problem was not theirs it was mine for the most part. They had every reason to worry because I was not displaying the self confidence in myself needed to inspire their confidence in me. I had to set aside the thoughts of what I could not do well anymore, and focus on what I could, as well as find new ways to function. That included kink.

The next several months were focused on what I could relearn, building a different muscle memory, or new ways to do old things. Short play sessions to put theories into practice and help reconnect with Nibbles and other play partners. Giving them an opportunity to relearn me also and show them I was not just trying to be better, I was getting better.

The more I worked on myself and worked with them, my self confidence grew and returned. They worried less about my physical state and started to enjoy play with me again. I rediscovered the joy in it. I guess old dogs can learn new tricks.

A Weird Blessing in Disguise

No, I am not the person I was before MS reared its ugly head. But what am I going to do? Give it back? There is nothing to do but be the best me regardless of the circumstance. I would like to think, in some perverse way it pushed me to be a better top and dominant, even though different. It forced me to look at myself, kink, and my partners in a new way. Shoving me out of complacent patterns allowing me to be more creative. 

The support of Nibbles, and everyone else around me, gave me purpose to push myself harder. Certainly, I could not have done it without them and their encouragement. As annoying as it might have been at times, I could not have asked for a better life partner and friends.

When it all first hit, I lost faith in myself. I doubted what I could do and if I could do. However, I learned as long as I kept pushing forward, the details would take care of themselves. That to claw my way back I needed to trust myself again so my partners could trust and confidence in me.

A Silent Risk of Bondage – Positional Asphyxia

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“In many ways, oxygen is to the human body, and particularly to the heart and brain, what oil is to a car’s engine. Indeed, there’s a medical adage that goes ‘hypoxia (becoming dangerously low on oxygen) not only stops the motor, but also wrecks the engine.” (The Medical Realities of Breath Control Play, Sexuality.org, Jay Wiseman)

In a world where we love tying each other up (yes please) and delivering a good spank physical injury in play is commonplace. For the most part it is light bruises or red marks which disappear in days if not hours. People excited, displaying what their Top gifted them the night before are all over Fetlife or showing the marks off at gatherings. 

Once in a while, we see injuries/marks a little more serious. Branding, scarification, bleeding cuts, lacerations, split skin, and very deep bruising involving the muscles come to mind. These are less common but no less welcome and attributed to heavy play.

Part of play for many, some even plan them. Easy to recognize, often talked (or bragged) about, and thousands of resources of information on how to care for them exist. We see the marks, can share them, and others know what to do. Although potentially dangerous, we have a map to work from and take care of them. What about the unseen risks?

There is a sneaky bastard many have not heard of. Something that can happen even during lighter bondage/rope play. It can be hard to recognize, and difficult to react to: Positional Asphyxia.

What is Positional Asphyxia?

Positional Asphyxia occurs when our bottom cannot get enough oxygen because of the position we have put them and the muscles supporting breathing wear out becoming over tired. Between hog ties, ball suspensions, predicament bondage, and other inventive poses we cause mechanical stress on the structures of the chest. Restricting the bottom from breathing normally.  Eventually, the muscles supporting breathing give out putting them in a life threating position (hypoxia- the lack of oxygen at the tissue level). 

I should clarify, I am not writing about breath play or other kinks which intentionally restrict breathing. Positional Asphyxia is the result of accidental circumstance in situations where we are not planning on breathing, or the lack there of, being part of play.

Positional Asphyxia is more likely to occur when there are additional physical stressors which causes their body to work hard. Wrestling, being thrown around in a CNC scene, physically demanding positions, and physical exercise are a few examples. The use of or stimulants or alcohol also increases the risk. Medical conditions such as heart disease, asthma, bronchitis, etc. can contribute also.

Someone who is physically exhausted and in a compromising position is particularly at risk as they may be unable to tell you they are in trouble. Gravity and their own physical state are working against them.

Recognizing Positional Asphyxia

When we play hard and for long periods of time subspace, fatigue, and lack of focus can make it difficult to see when a bottom may be in trouble. Let’s face it, both partners get tired and a bottom at the end of the physical rope (pun intended) may be lethargic and slow to respond. This combined with a top being tired from play can make us miss what is really going if Positional Asphyxia is an issue. 

These things together can make distinguishing between what is normal (in the context of kink) and real trouble a much more difficult task. However, there are some general indicators which can help you see trouble and act quickly.

Symptoms of Hypoxia: (can vary from person to person)

Acute Symptoms- Shortness of breath, rapid breathing, fast heart rate, wheezing, coughing, changes in skin color (particularly the fingertips and inside of the lips)

Severe Symptoms- Inability to communicate, confusion, loss of consciousness, slow heart rate

Other symptoms may include- restlessness, headache, sweating, cold and clammy

Assessment and Response

THIS IS NOT MEDICAL ADVICE- When in doubt seek medical assistance immediately.

Before you run for the hills, as long as you are doing what is needed to check on your bottom you should be able to catch any issues before they become serious. Generally, it takes a long time for Positional Asphyxia induced hypoxia to occur as a result of being bound. However, once it does set in, there is no time to waste.

Hopefully, you know the person you are playing with very well and generally know how they act or react to various play. If they are acting abnormal to what you know of them, are displaying sign/symptoms of hypoxia, or you have a reasonable suspicion they are in medical trouble, seek medical assistance immediately. With that being said, there are some quick things you can do to help you assess their physical state and respond to potential hypoxia.

Assessment: Level of consciousness- are they unresponsive or seem very confused? Are not speaking or responding to questions? Breathing is fast or gasping? Do they have a headache? Heart Rate is very fast or very slow? Are they cyanotic (bluish color inside the lips or fingertips)? Perform a capillary refill test, do they refill in more than 3 seconds? Are they cold and clammy to the touch even though sweating?

If the answers to one or more of these are yes, they are possibly in a hypoxic state. The more yes’s you have the more likely they are in serious trouble.

Response: If you reasonably believe your partner is hypoxic (the result of positional asphyxia) – CALL FOR MEDICAL ASSISTANCE NOW! Do not wait, hem and haw and worry about what people will think. Hypoxia is a life-threatening condition which can cause serious harm to major organs and death in a very short period of time. Sometimes minutes. 

Get them out of any bonds and elevate their upper body and legs adjust as necessary however it is easier for them to breathe; continue to talk to them and encourage them to breathe deeply and slowly; keep them awake if at all possible; do not let them smoke, drink, or eat. Stay with them and do these things until medical first responders arrive.

If they lose consciousness and are not breathing and have no pulse, begin and continue CPR until medical first responders arrive.

You are the only one there and have to make a decision quickly. Yes, take a minute to help figure out what is going on, but minutes may be all you have. DO NOT WASTE THEM ON INDECISION!

Prevention

Now that you have dumped a full fecal load in your shorts and have sworn off any kind of bondage understand that there is a lot in the way we interact and play which helps prevent Positional Asphyxia and hypoxia from ever happening. The more we improve on the following skills and aspects, the less likely bad things happen.

Attentive and Present: Stay close to anyone retrained or bound. Not just because of positional asphyxia but there are other ways a restraint can have a negative impact. Have everything you need in the room with you before you begin to play. Including a charged cell phone and safety shears/rescue hook (keys and bolt cutters for hard restraints). Be attentive throughout the whole scene, paying attention to how they are doing and responding.

Communication (verbal and nonverbal): The louder the better. If they are loud, they are breathing and getting oxygen. Constantly be talking and eliciting a reaction from them. Use dirty talk, make them answer questions, whatever. The point is if they are becoming less communicative, we need to assess why. Watch their nonverbals. Are they a wiggler who has stopped wiggling? When you slap their thigh do they normally react? Etc. The longer play continues, the more physically drained you both may get. Make a point of asking how they are doing if you are unsure.

Physical Restraint Setup and Body Position: How and where you apply bonds be it rope, leather, or chain can impact the bottom’s ability to breathe freely. As you are applying the bonds check to make sure they are not so restrictive they will prevent the expansion of the chest. Ties which put additional stress on the chest such as behind the back arm binders or others which put the arms behind in an awkward position cause the muscles in the chest to work harder.

Gravity plays a roll. Head down positions will impact the ability to breathe over time. Weight/pressure placed on the chest such as a hogtie position (their weight is on their chest) make the diaphragm and chest muscles work harder to maintain breathing and wear out faster. 

Be Technically Proficient: I cannot stress this enough. Learn and know your craft. Practice, loads of research, classes if possible, and interacting with more experienced players is a must. You both will have a better time and more likely to avoid issues.

Health Assessments (disclosure and annual physicals): Any medical condition which may affect play must be disclosed. This is for both of your safety. Even if the issue is the top’s. Get yourself and your bottom to a doctor once a year, or more often if necessary, for a general physical. We change as we age. It is just a fact of life. 

Knowledgeable of Body processes and Physiology: Although I do not consider this a must, it is definitely helpful. Knowing how the body and its processes work can help inform your play and give you an increased margin of safety. Not to mention devious ideas 😉

Hydration: Drink lots of water before, during, and after play. We need water to make sure our bodies are working at their best. Water is critical in the oxygenation and blood circulation processes. If we are dehydrated, we are not going to be able to transfer oxygen efficiently to our muscles and organs.

Well Rested Before Play: Being well rested helps us be our best during play, ensures our muscles are ready for the stress, and we can endure for longer periods without our muscles giving out. 

Final Thoughts

Regardless of your kinks or type of player you are, Positional Asphyxia is a risk you need to be aware of and know how to react to.  For most players, this is probably something you will never see in your lifetime, hopefully because you have built good habits into your play. 

Take the time to really learn and practice your craft, and have fun doing it. My goal through these types of articles is to help you do just that, have fun safely. Almost everything we do is risky, just take the time to find the counterbalances to those risks.

Do not be scared…… be informed!

Special Note and thanks: Great thanks to Dee Wells an amazing ICU Nurse for her expert eyes on this article. I may have stayed in a Holiday Inn last night but she does the serious stuff for a living….besides being kinky. And thank you to Dr. Wishesnottobenamed, wizard of the Emergency Room and Trauma-Fixer Extraordinaire. His insight was invaluable when sorting through what was important to include in this article.

For more information on Positional Asphyxia and Hypoxia and related information check out the links below:

Viewpoints Concerning Erotic Asphyxiation (bdsmcafe.com)

Bondage, Hogties and Positional Asphyxia (devianceanddesire.com)

Jay Wiseman essay on Self Bondage

Positional Asphyxia by Various (selfbound.net)

Article: Positional asphyxia | ESINEM Shibari Classes

Positional asphyxia (slideshare.net)

Hypoxia (medical) – Wikipedia

Hypoxia and Hypoxemia: Symptoms, Treatment, Causes (webmd.com)

How to Check Heart Rate: 5 Methods and What Is Normal (healthline.com)

Capillary Refill Test – Physiopedia (physio-pedia.com)

The Tao of Being A Slave

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Tao means a road, path, way; and also, the way in which one does something; method, doctrine, and principle. It speaks to ourselves, the path on which we walk, and how we walk it. 

No two slave’s journeys are the same. However most have milestones along the road. Points in time which become defining to our existence. 

This series of short vignettes is meant to describe these turning points from a Master’s perspective. In the moment and outlining what the crux of each milestone might be.

So You Want to Serve…..

You may believe in your heart of hearts you are committed. We’ll see if that changes in two days, two weeks, two months……. two years from now.

It is not enough to willingly place your head in the harness. To go about your daily tasks without question. You will learn the difference between serving and being In Service To.

Once the later becomes clear to you, then and only then will you be able to make an informed decision. To say without reserve, “I stay with a willing heart.”

To be slave, is to be all and nothing. So encompassed in the art of service the person and the act become indistinguishable. The acts, each one, are their new fingerprint. Exactly how a sugar bowl is placed on a tea tray. The care shown in the details when laying out their Master’s clothing. Finding fulfillment, in the seemingly mundane.

Most cannot allow their “vessel” to become empty enough making room for the thousands of details.

Those who know, understand the collar is a symbol to show those who do not understand a glimpse of what could be, the only allowance of overt pride, and a promise said two ways. Those who truly want to become, may never notice your collar, only how brightly your flame outshines all around you.

Other….. More…… Slave

(We do not always really want what we wish for. Often, we do not understand what it is we are getting ourselves into. Until we do. Starting a journey, we are wide eyed. Sometime later though, we begin to face other thoughts.)

If You Stay…..

I can promise you this-

I will always keep your best interest in mind.

You will not always agree with me on how I go about that. In fact there may be times you are frustrated and angry with me. 

If You Stay….

I cannot guarantee a month or a year from now you will be satisfied. That is a mystery for you to solve. I can only lay the path. How you perceive it, I have no control over.

If You Stay….

The work will be hard, mentally and physically. Sometimes monotonous. The point of each exercise will not always be obvious. But that is often the point of it. For you to find it.

If You Stay….

You may find eventually that this is not for you or that I am not the right One for you. That does not equate to wasted time, just time you spent preparing for the One who is for you.

If…. You….. Stay…..

We will be able to look back and find many moments which made it all worth the effort. Places in time where epiphanies happened, joy was found, and sorrows overcome.

The road you are choosing is a rocky one not because I have put boulders in the path, but because we all have ourselves to master, a self-perception which weighs us down, and a history which can haunt us.

Being free of those chains is what I have to offer.

If You Stay

(There is a gut check sometime early in every great endeavor. A moment when we realize that what we face may be bigger than we are prepared for. That success, no matter how hard we work for it, is not guaranteed. It is at that point we must make a decision, a leap of faith, with the understanding that what we learn from it, regardless of outcome is worth it. If we are willing to take the risk.)

This is not training……

Training is such an oversimplification of what you will experience. I can train a dog to fetch. I can train a person to write. You will be led to think and process differently.

I will challenge your self-perception, your perception of others, and your perception of the world around you. Not to make you a doll, but to help you be more resilient, powerful, the calm at the center of the storm.

You will learn to maintain a singular focus in spite of the chaos around you. A mindful razor-sharp clarity that allows you to see what may have been hidden from you before.

Not erasing you, or replacing you, but building a fortress around you. So the slings and arrows of life are much less concerning. Outwardly a blade of grass swaying in the wind. Inwardly a mountain of granite. Immeasurable. Immovable. Timeless.

You will always have a choice. Comply or do not comply. Each has its consequence. Good and bad. You will be measured by your choices, not just your deeds. Strive to choose wisely at every turn.

To do this you must become a scholar of yourself, of those around you, and of those that came before both of us. Setting conventional expectation aside in favor of writing a new book.

Be thoughtful, critical, and ethical. Logic alone will not serve you well. Let your intellect temper your heart’s lead. Calculated risk vs. wild abandon.

I do not seek to train you.

I seek the best version of you, and through you the best version of me.

(Becoming a better person, a better version of ourselves, is not about the physical. It is mental. A change in the way we view ourselves and how we fit into the world around us. A shift in self perception which allows us to appreciate ourselves more and rely on the praise of others less. Freeing us to be our best.)

Now You Know…..

Three months since you have come into my fold…… now you know it is not all fun and games. Good times yes, but also stressful ones. The time you have spent looking inward far outweighs all else.

What have you learned?

Did you just bow your head, grit your teeth, and power through it? If so then you have learned nothing other than you can survive.

I want you to thrive! The only way to do that is to fully embrace what you have chosen. Immerse yourself in it. Leave nothing on the field at the end of each day.

If your plan is to survive the next three months, leave now, this is not for you and I have nothing to teach you.

If you want to thrive, open yourself up to the possibility that you are enough. It’s just a matter of unlocking the right doors. 

There will be many nights you will go to bed doubting yourself. Resist doing so. Set that doubt aside and review your goals. Self-doubt allows for the possibility of overall failure. Focus your mind on success. 

You will have small failures along the way. This does not mean you have failed but been provided the opportunity to become better. Do not pass them by.

Three months in…. is just barely scratching the surface.

Consider this before deciding to stay or go for the next three…..

Anyone can survive….. it takes courage to thrive.

(When we keep our heads down and keep digging, we fail to see the mountain we build in our own path. We have not confronted our own failings and misgivings as each one pops up but consolidated them together. Creating a much more difficult barrier to overcome. Thriving means not just doing well but living well. Part of that is confronting difficult issues as they arise, not putting them off for another day.)

It’s OK to Smile…….

I saw you standing next to the counter. Watching you prepare the tray. Carefully arranging everything and looking at it from one side then another. 

Then something happened. The corner of your lips slowly moved upward with a nod of your head. A hundred or more times you have set that tray to have me send it back or correct something. This time you looked sure of yourself.

When you brought the tray setting it carefully on the table next to my chair you waited as you always do. However, this time, I could feel the tension in your muscles coiling, in anticipation of my glance toward it. 

Lowering my book slightly I quickly surveyed the lacquered wood and its contents stating it was, “good.” The relief emanated from you in waves.

“Tomorrow, add toast. Lightly done. One slice, wheat. Buttered on one side. Not soggy. One teaspoon of strawberry jam in the center.” I instructed to you as I looked over the edge of my glasses. 

The mixture of success of coffee service and dread apparent from the addition to the task showed on you even though your expression never changed. “Thank you, Sir. Yes Sir.”

“It’s OK to smile,” I mentioned. “You did well, the tray is correct. Your reward is you get to add toast to the service. Which I do enjoy.”

It is OK to smile, to feel pride at something done well. Each time you succeed, something more will be given to you. Another detail in which you can find pride and success. 

If I did not think you worthy or capable, I would not have added the toast.

Smile…….

(We have all had one thing in our lives that no matter how hard we tried, we could never seem to get it right. We banged our head against the wall for what seemed like an eternity. Then one day, something just changed. We shifted how we thought about the problem and the solution became clear. It is in these moments we learn the most about ourselves. That we are capable. This is not the time to rest on our success but to reach for the next goal. Seize the momentum and let it carry us forward.)

Introductions……

You have earned this night. 

Tonight, you will be introduced to many people you already know. Yet, as something more than what they have known you to be. The beginning of a new evolution. No longer just, “her,” or a slave in training. But as slave. 

Tonight, you will get to show all those around you just how much you have learned both in service and on the post. 

After tonight, they will look at you differently. Speak to you differently. Know you differently. 

Debutantes attend balls to be shown to society and given the chance for others to see how well heeled they are. Similarly, you will have the chance to show the community what a good student you have been. Etiquette, personal presentation, service, and poise. All will be watching to see if I have done my part well. 

Tonight, you represent me, as well as yourself. All that we have accomplished together over the last year comes together tonight. At one dinner. In service to this House, and to me. 

You have this in you, you always have. Trust in yourself. 

After tonight, you will see yourself differently. For good or ill it will change your impression of yourself. Take from it the positive you gain. It is a challenge, one not easily met for the first time, but not impossible.

Do well, earn your chair.

(There are very few seminal events in our lives. Moments which forever influence our view of our world and change our actions as a result of it. When they do happen, the lessons we take from them are entirely up to us. Even in abject failure we can find motivation to improve and move forward. Some fold in adversity and leave behind that which they strived for. Other succeed in the moment, only to stall out. Hanging their hat on one moment as the pinnacle to never achieve anything greater. In everything there is a choice. The trick is to choose wisely.)

Remember Where You Came From…..

Soon you will be making a choice regarding your place in this House. Before you do, you need to remember what came before this place.

Take two weeks, hell, take a month. Go visit family and friends. Inspect old haunts and relive some of who you were before you met me.

Not to say goodbye, but to remember. To feel what it was like before slave. Before Service. 

When you first came here, I presented you a choice to stay or go. That choice has always been on the table. Everyday like a giant wide open barn door to the rest of the world. All you had to do was step through it. Yet you stayed, no matter how hard it became.

This time it is not a choice. You must go, for a time.

Reconnect with people you may have lost touch with. Live normal things. Some of it will feel very strange to you. Some people, even though lifelong friends, may make you uncomfortable.

Answer their questions. Fully and honestly. You can say anything you like, including about me.

Do not be angry or frustrated with them if they do not understand. How could they? I said in the beginning I would lead you to view yourself, others, and the world around you differently. So you do. But they, do not.

This is not to say goodbye to those you love or the life you have lived. It is to remember, so you can make the right choice for yourself. That cannot be done here under my, and others, watchful eyes. It must be done, on your own.

When you return, I will ask you one last time.

In the meantime……remember.

(To know where we are, we have to know where we came from. Memories fade. Sometimes this is good, sometimes bad. In either case refreshing those memories helps us appreciate the progress we have made in our lives. Helps us look at the triumphs and failures more clearly so we can plot the path we have walked with clarity. How can we know the next step is right for us, if we do not understand the steps we have taken?)

Turning Point……

Tomorrow is the day. Tonight, we eat, laugh, and play! 

Tomorrow you will stand before the house and recite what is required. What you know to be true.

Tomorrow you will state your desire in response to a question you have been asked many times.

“Stay or go?”

There is no right or wrong answer, only what you will. What you feel is right in your heart and best for you.

Do not be tempted to tell me now. I can see the want furling in your brow. Keep your council for the morning.

Whichever you choose, I am proud of you. You have worked hard, learned much, and been willing to grow. Grow you have. From a shy unsure wall flower into the center of a hurricane. Calm. Surrounded by a current so strong your movement ensures the attention of all around you. 

Whatever you do, I can only believe you will find success. You have learned that to try invites failure, but that failure is not the end. Only another chance to prevail. You have found an inner strength which allows you to stand in the middle of chaos and be confident you will find a way.

Wherever you go, rest easy knowing you have friends who will understand your heart. They may not always be easy to find, but they are there if you are willing to look for them. Others with an uncommon will and drive; compassion and loyalty; strength and passion for life and those they surround themselves with.

Enough of an old man’s sappy musings. Food and friends await.

Tomorrow is your day.

Most Common Fetish Requests – Cam Models Experience

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You’d be surprised at how many cam girls aren’t in it for the money. A lot of them actually appreciate the fact that people open up to them, and some of their viewers can talk to them about pretty much anything. That being said, some of the most popular webcam girls confirm they get a lot of the common and sometimes weird fetish requests.

People don’t really admit to their kinks and fetishes often, usually because of a fear of being judged, but being anonymous on the web does help them open up. Have you ever thought about revealing your kinks to a random stranger who has very likely heard of them, and maybe experienced them and knows what they’re like? Well, a lot of the viewers do exactly that, which is why we’re looking at some of the most common fetish requests, straight out of the cam girls’ mouth.

BDSM

This is arguably one of the most popular kinks out there, and yes, BDSM is definitely popular in the camming world, too. You’re looking at a power exchange which is extremely sexual, between the viewer and the model, and that gets a lot of people’s sex drive going. This is why you’ll come across a huge number of cam girls that focus on BDSM streams to keep their viewers happy.

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But it’s not just the number of cam girls that focus on BDSM, it’s the variety and quality, too. There are Dominatrixes that will keep you in check and make sure you’re obedient, for example, and you’ll be surprised at how good of a job they do, even though they’re not technically next to you. Cuckolding, ballbusting, nipple torture – you name it, they’ll be happy to do it for you.

Feet

Some people look at it as a joke, but for others, it’s incredibly serious. It’s another one of the world’s most popular kinks, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that it’s on this list. When it comes to feet fetishes, viewers tend to enjoy a lot of different things. Some get turned on by toenails, others are keen on the soles, but they want cam girls to do quite a lot for them. And they usually get their wishes to come true – many cam girls love it, too. Of course, you’ll need to tip handsomely for that to happen, but if that’s your thing, you shouldn’t mind spending a few bucks.

Tights and Stockings

When it comes to clothing, stockings and tights are the top choice. For many viewers the model doesn’t even have to put on anything special – a regular pair of stockings goes a long way. However, cam models that want to go the extra mile will go for something like silk or lace stockings, or maybe even fishnets – they’ve been a kink for a while now. And there’s another reason why cam girls love them, they’re easy to put on or off, and a tip will get you a long way towards getting what you want. While arguably less popular, tights are a popular request, too.

If you’re an aspiring cam model, many seasoned ladies recommend that you also add a matching pair of panties and suspenders when you’re going for stockings. This takes people to a whole other level of crazy, and if done with the right audience, can lead to you making a hefty amount in tips.

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PVC, Rubber and Leather

These three are fairly different from one another, but they do have a thing in common – they’re all very, very tight, and have a mesmerizing effect on viewers. PVC and rubber are the slightly less popular option, because they come with a smell that people adore, but can’t really feel through the webcam. However, leather is a very, very in-demand thing, which is why a lot of models have a whole dresser of leather things like trousers, coats and jackets, and a tip will very likely make them open up that dresser and put something on.

The problem with these clothing items are that they’re very difficult to put on and off, so if you’re not in the mood for a tip, you could look up some of the cam girls that focus specifically on these kinks and fetishes – they’ll drive you crazy before you know it.  

Lead by untamable lust for pleasure I indulge in sex and different types of adult work. I am a former stripper and occasional cam model. When I don’t engage I write about my experience and hot stories. Life is short so I plan on staying wild for a little while!

Do We Have Community Any More?

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What is a community? We talk about it incessantly in Lifestyle blogs and posts on Fetlife. Yet I do not think many have an appreciation for what a community really is, or can be. For some of you the following paragraphs are going to sound like a rant, for others high fives will be in order. To both groups, I say this, that in and of itself is a problem.

A group of people living in the same space or having particular characteristics in common. Sounds simple. Yet in the past several years I have seen a devolution away from similar characteristics into a pool of all inclusive hodgepodge which leaves kink, BDSM, and the Lifestyle all but unidentifiable. So, I ask, “Do we have a community?”

If we have a community, we have to be able to identify what those common characteristics are. Can we? Other than we are all interested in Kink, can we name one thing which makes us united?

The Result of Making Everyone “In” Rather Than Shepherding Them In

In the effort to make kink and BDSM, as a whole, a place where anybody can belong, I think we have lost some of our identity. It has become so watered down that nothing really means anything anymore. For example, a Master used to mean the lead, head of the dynamic or household in a M/s relationship and (in general) a person who had attained mastery in the eyes of their peers. Now, all it means is someone decided to adopt the title in accordance with their self-view.

Yet we are ok with this. With the allowance of the self-appointed. Why? Now it holds no weight, no meaning, and therefore has no identity. A lost commonality among hundreds.

Similarly, to be a slave was earned. It took effort and commitment. To me slaves, the ones who really dedicated themselves, were the Special Forces of the kink world. An uncommon character with no quit in them. Men and women who could focus a sole devotion so strong it was near unbelievable. Now, I have dozens in my inbox claiming to be slaves, wanting to call me “Master” without even having had a decent conversation, let alone meeting in person.

A dominant used to imply a dedication to a submissive with responsibility. Now to hear people talk, if they slapped an ass and gave somebody a rough fuck, they are a Dom/me. To me, that is barely being a Top. Barely.

Where is the commonality in something where nothing means anything? Yet this is what we have strived for! A bowl of clear jello, tasteless, lacking fruit, which can be named whatever the observer desires. We, as a society asked for this.

Don’t Get Me Wrong

I see value in inclusion. I see value in having a widely diverse population participating in kink. What I struggle with is the near complete lack of identity. Someone title stacking in an effort to provide someone else a better idea of who they are, does the exact opposite of the intention. A princess little dragonslayer Mistress tells me nothing other than they are potentially confused. Maybe a switch? Based on the titles they provided, how am I to interact with this person in a high protocol event? In general? It leaves me absolutely baffled at times. I am happy they are interested in kink, and came to the club, but I would not even know where to begin regarding introducing them to others.

Some of You May Think I am Just Whining

And maybe I am to a certain extent. However, I do believe that to make headway regarding our sexual rights within the US and other countries we have to be able to define who and what we are so a layman can have a tacit understanding. In this we are failing miserably.

How I am to sit across from a lawmaker and explain basic tenets and structures and why kink is a good thing, when there are a thousand articles alluding to the Burger King attitude of having it your own way combined with a lawless wild west ethic. All I am left with at that point is personal experience, which is not even going to move the needle.

It is frustrating and why we lose so badly in courts consistently. We cannot begin to define ourselves, let alone provide adequate explanation to anyone else.

A Return to Core Values

Again, my opinion. If we are ever going to turn a corner and begin gaining wider acceptance of what it is that we do, we need to be pushing, mentoring, teaching, and reinforcing core values. All else set aside, these are what are going to bind our community together. Give us a united voice, and the ability to lobby on our own behalf.

Honesty and Truth

Trust and Empathy

Loyalty and Commitment

Consent and Safety

Power Exchange balanced by Personal Responsibility/Accountability

How many of you reading this had a mentor sit you down and walk through these values with you? I would venture a guess the number is low. You can be a Vampire Master of Okra middle Sploshist which would confuse many. But if I knew you had these core values at the heart of it, I could go to bat for you, because I know at the core, where you are coming from.

If nothing else means anything, let’s make these the center of it all. Then, we may be able to gain traction, encourage others, and reach the minds of our detractors in a way where we are less demonized for simply being ourselves.

Just an Old Guy with Old Notions

So what if I am? Core values are meant to stand the test of time, not be subject to popular opinion. To be a foundation on which we can all stand and use to catapult ourselves to greater heights. Why wouldn’t we want this? Why would we place the importance of, “inclusion,” above the strength of unity. We can be both, absolutely. To get there, we all have to subscribe to something common.

A core, for our community. 

TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to several online educational groups such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; and the Virtual Munch. His writing includes information on self-improvement, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics and power exchange, and safety. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for nearly three decades. He can be found on Fetlife at TAC_1.

Rebuilding After Trauma

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There are many commonalities in the kink community.  As hard as it is to admit, many of us have a history of trauma.  Though the causes vary, they impact our interactions in BDSM heavily.  So we are going to explore what you can do if you need to renegotiate or build a scene after recent trauma. 

Trauma is defined as “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.”  

This is a broad definition.  We often equate trauma to incidents that result in physical injuries or abuse.  But trauma can be anything.  Trauma can happen as a result of a death in the family, stress from work or family, near death experiences, abuse, accidents, and mental health imbalances.  This is, by no means, a comprehensive list.

For example, due to repeated deaths in my family in a short period of time, and a couple of traumatic experiences from when I was a teenager, I deal with the effects of PTSD.  My brain just sort of short circuits at times.  On an average day, it does not affect me much because I have learned to cope with it.  However, when I delve into play, the closer I get to sub space, the less control I have in my head.  Sometimes, that means disassociation.  Sometimes it is moments of extreme panic or fear.  

Outside of play, and regardless of the control you have over your mental health, your trauma does influence all aspects of your life. It can change the route you take home from work or where you work.  It can change how you sleep or whether the light stays on at night.  It can affect how you talk and who you talk to.

In kink, and often as a result of trauma, many suffer the effects of PTSD, severe depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, fear of men/women, nightmares/ Night terrors, and more.  Some people lose their sense of self and their independence.  

Some seek help.  Some don’t.  Some find relief in a bottle and some in pills.  Some never sleep and some only sleep.  Some learn to cope, and some don’t.  Some move on and some don’t.  Some give up and some don’t.   

It is an individual experience and recovery.

As mentioned previously, you don’t need to look hard to find a lot of trauma survivors in BDSM and Kink.  We all have our own reasons for delving into kink and dealing with our mental health.

Some use kink to reclaim their independence.  It allows them to reclaim the moments they felt helpless and take back control.  Some use kink for coping.  

And, for some, they attempt to keep their trauma and their kink separate.

I do not personally believe the last statement is possible.  Even the most careful of individuals can be triggered unintentionally.  Because of this, it is important to figure out how to renegotiate and build a scene after trauma, to meet the needs of both yourself and your partner(s).

The steps below are built on the premise that you were involved in kink prior to the traumatic event.

Step 1: Be honest (to yourself and your partner) about your mental and physical state.

As much as we would love to pretend the trauma has never happened, it did.  You and your partner need to accept that.  You also need to clearly state your current needs.  Do not allow yourself or your partner to assume that your wants, needs, and desires are the same as they were prior to the traumatic event.

Step 2: Negotiate with what you can do, not what you can’t

Feeling powerless is common with trauma.  You may find yourself hesitant or even fearful of things you consider to be “simple.”  There is no shame in doing what is best for you.  If you cannot handle hugs any longer, or need someone to ask ahead of doing so, be clear in those expectations.  Because there may be so many more things that you cannot do/have done as before, it is important to not lose yourself in what you “cannot do.”  Instead of negotiating with your partner about what is off-limits, change the parameters.  

“I would like you to do X, but I need you to keep eye contact with me.”

“I would like to feel your weight on me, but without restraint.”

“I need you to use my name when you talk to me.  Please speak clearly so I know it is you.”

“I need skin to skin contact and I need you to stay above the waist.”

“I want to be flogged with my shirt on.”

Any of these options are considered green behaviors for this individual.  It states what you wish to do and how it needs to be done to minimize triggering.

Step 3:  Watch for frenzy.  It can happen after long bouts of inactivity, not just to people new to the lifestyle.

Sometimes we remove ourselves from kink all together when trauma occurs.  When we feel strong enough to get back into the scene, it is easy to lose yourself into frenzy.  The feelings that you had thought forgotten come rushing back, and with it, so does the desire to get back into everything.  

Watching for frenzy also means watching for extreme drop.  We, as people, like to believe that we will always be able to do everything at the level we currently do it.  Maybe, prior to your break, you could take an hour long beating with a cane.  Most likely, after that break, you will not be able to. To play safely, it is better to start as though you are new and gauge your tolerance from there.  But it can be a blow to both your ego and your self-esteem to “feel less than” we once were.  Tolerance can be relearned.  Pushing too fast, though, can reignite the trauma responses that required the break in the first place.

Step 4: If needed, write down the negotiation.  This way you can review it and revisit it before play, if needed.

I am not suggesting a contract.  I am suggesting more of a journaling exercise.  Write down where you want to start, your goals, and your reactions to things as they occur.

This includes determining who will be involved in the scene, participating or watching?  What will happen?  What is your safeword?  What are the boundaries?  Are the scene boundaries different than your everyday ones?  Do you have a panic option if your safeword becomes unuseable?

What happens though if the trauma happens during kink?  Or if it happens with your current partner?  Does that change how we renegotiate or build a scene?

In my mind, it does.

Trust is paramount in a dynamic.  When that trust wavers, it can make kink so much more dangerous.  For example, you can lose the comfort and confidence needed to safeword.  As much as most Dominants seem like mind-readers, they are not.  They need to know their partner will 22speak up when necessary, to prevent hurting the submissive.

Below, I have an altered set of steps to help guide the reestablishment of boundaries and the renegotiation of terms in an existing dynamic.

Step 1: Make sure you are both emotionally recovered enough to discuss logically.

Was the trauma caused by yourself?  Your partner?  Did it happen during a scene?  Was the trauma an accident, miscommunication, or malicious?  Is it unrelated?

These are important questions to ask yourself.  Trauma that is unrelated may be easier to navigate with a partner than something caused by them.  The same goes for the intention behind what happened.

Accidents and miscommunication happen in scenes.  My first scene with Master was at a public party as pick-up play.  I thought we had negotiated a flogging. Turns out, he was under the impression we negotiated an impact scene that involved floggers.  In this instance, it turned out to be a beneficial miscommunication.  

Later on, in our relationship, we did impact play at a party and a couple hours later we tried fire play.  Turns out, even a light flogging (one that doesn’t leave marks) can weaken the skin enough that fire play can burn (when it otherwise would not).  Technically, I was injured because my skin was burned.  It was a small crescent shaped mark and for me, was a plausible outcome to the risky stuff we engage in.  In this example, neither instance impacted my trust in Master.  But, I have seen similar instances that have traumatized submissives and made them very skittish.

Step 2: Read through the current rules, together, and discuss their meaning.

When we first begin in kink, there are often a set of rules that we put in place to set the boundaries of our dynamics.  Over time, those can change or evolve.

Due to personal issues with food in my past, one of my rules is that I must eat 3 times a day (or six tiny meals to help with my diabetes).  When my dad died last year, I couldn’t bring myself to eat through my grief.  But I had to, because it was a rule.  I essentially made myself extremely sick.  So, I had to reach out to Master and ask for an amendment.  The rule adjusted to eating 2 times per day and I could use a meal replacement shake if needed.

We were not discarding everything that we had set forth, but we were adjusting them as needed to make sure I was ok.

Step 3: Recognize if any of the current rules contributed to the trauma.

**The rules I use as an example below are just rules that I have had mentioned to me by other submissives that have encountered issues.  I have a personal belief that as long as rules are consensual, then they can be anything the Dominant and the submissive wish**

Some rules can add to the negative headspace left by trauma.  For example, some dynamics have a rule that issues will be discussed once a month during a free chat.  This could lead a submissive to believe they cannot speak up when needed.  

Another example is a rule that does not allow safewording during a punishment.  Is this something that foster’s fear in the submissive?  Can this lead to triggering during a punishment without recourse to remove themself from the situation?

Step 4: Remove or adjust any rule that has impacted either the D-type or s-type’s state of mind.

Step 5: Keep the number of rules manageable.  Trauma impacts the mental and physical states.  If you are still recovering, having too many rules can make you feel like a failure and having too few can maximize your feelings of not being wanted or useful.

Step 6: Make a plan to maintain the healthy mindset.  Whether this is through therapy, medication, maintenance discipline, etc.  Recovering from trauma is fluid.  It does not just stop and get cured.

Ultimately, you are stronger than your trauma.  No one will know your reactions better than you.  There is no right or wrong answer in your decisions, kink related or not.  Your kink goes at the speed that you determine is best.  Never let anyone try to force you to change.

Lastly, as cruel as it sounds, your trauma is your trauma.  Just as you have the right to play at your discretion and pace, others have the right to choose not to play with you.  This is not a reflection on either person’s character.  Some people are not willing or able to deal with the aftereffects of trauma.  This is their right.

When you vet a new partner, or renegotiate with an old partner, Be honest, clear in your expectations, and open about your mental health.

My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

The Joy Of Anal

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We just completed a month of kinky fun. “Anal April” was our challenge to only have anal sex for a  month. In truth, it was a bit more than that. My slut was actually in “pussy chastity”. Not an actual  chastity device mind you, but an imposed mental chastity. As my obedient slut, she would adhere to “no  touching except to clean yourself” for the month of April. At first, we agreed on the idea as a dare. I  dared her and she said, “bring it on”. Now, to give you context, you must understand that as kinksters,  we have a sex forward and kink forward dynamic and we have kinky sexual scenes just about every day.  So, my slut has the experience of being my daily and well-used “3-hole whore”. She is accustomed to  being used hard every day where she experiences multiple vaginal and anal orgasms.  

When I first met my now collared slut, she told me that she was not fond of anal sex. She had good  reason. She shared that during her marriage, her ex-husband has abused her ass. He had done things  like forcefully using oversized dildos on her without lube – a real no-no – resulting in dangerous anal  tearing that left her in pain and legitimately weary of repeating the error. She was left feeling that in the  world of anal sex, it was “better to give than receive”.  

Before she put herself forward to be claimed by me, I had made it clear to her that intention was for her  to be my personal “3-hole slut”, and I also shared that because “I don’t break my toys”, I would take my  time to train her to be used as an ass-whore so that she would want me to fuck her ass (I wrote about  training here once before.) Knowing this, with eyes wide open, she made the choice to submit and to  kneel for me with a view to living in a 24/7 dynamic in a Total Power Exchange (TPE) as my 3-hole slut.  

After she was claimed, her anal training began in earnest. Training her to be a daily use ass whore  required that she be fully enrolled. To help achieve this, I shared with her that what I was committed to  was that in the end, she would authentically love anal sex and enjoy it as a normal part of our sexual  dynamic. She is an amazing and committed slut and she understood that in our 24/7 TPE, her  responsibility was to serve, so with those thoughts in mind, she registered into be trained as my ass  whore. Remember kinksters, in kink, consent is everything. She was being trained to have her ass lit up  with a flogger and fucked to completion.  

She first learned to prepare herself for anal by defecating before sex and using an enema to clean  herself further. Because I desire my slut to be my ass-to-mouth whore, she needed to be sure she was  thoroughly cleaned. She would complete the pre-anal sex prep by squirting a dollop of lube into her ass  so she could confidently approach anal sex knowing that she was clean and lubed and that there would  be no “visitors”. A note here that “dirty” anal sex is potentially dangerous as well as messy, and since  neither she nor I are into scat, we prefer not to engage in “dirty anal”. Also, I like to eat her ass, so I  want her clean too. So, with that in mind, thorough preparation before play is a must.  

Second, there is the issue of lubrication. It is important to remember that the anus makes no lube at all.  None. So, you must use lube in order to have safe and fun anal sex. Rectal tissue tearing is dangerous  and painful and gets in the way of regular anal sex. For this reason, there are three key words associated with anal sex that every kinkster must know. LUBE, LUBE, & LUBE! Both during training and since, I use  lot of lube every time we have anal sex, and I still make sure to never force my way into her ass. This is  the third principle of training her. I first surf her ass with my hard cock, then I put the head of my  swollen thick cock against her anus and allow her to take me in at her pace and with the force that she  generates. This allows her to control and manage the process of relaxing and getting used to my size (I  have a very thick cock, so this is necessary, and it is a good method to use no matter your girth).  Whenever we have anal sex, I use lots of lube, even more lube than one might think necessary. In anal,  there can never be too much lube. Let me say that again. Use as much lube as you can to make sure that  you are both having fun. There is nothing quite like fun anal sex. Its really, really hot!  

The 4th principle I applied while training her is that I require her to wear a butt plug every day, all day,  whenever she is out of the house. It is a way for her to keep me “close to her”, and it has the dual  benefit of training her ass to be accustomed to penetration. She is also required to send me a picture of  her plugged and marked ass every morning, which helps to codify our dynamic. As time passed, we  gradually increased the size of the butt plug to make sure that she was getting used to accepting bigger items in her ass.  

I also made it a habit to use her ass with every scene so that she was rewarded for preparing her ass for  me to use. On a gradient she began to experience anal pleasure and then anal orgasms when I fucked  her ass. It seems that the combination of my size along with the angles that we explore while engaging  in anal sex during our play causes me to hit her G-spot when I am fucking her ass, which results in anal  sex making her dripping wet and she even has squirting orgasms with ass sex.  

Eating her ass is the way she finally got related to her ass as a sexual organ. Keep in mind that the  thousands of nerve endings around the ass are related to the Pudendal Nerve, which is the same nerve  that innervates the clitoris and the penis. Interestingly and somewhat remarkably, she now actually  climaxes when I eat her ass. It’s a very different climax to a clitoral climax to be sure, but she definitely  climaxes with earth shattering orgasms with anilingus. Plus, it’s a scene that is hot as hell! I am on my  knees stroking my throbbing cock while she is cumming as I eat her red-hot ass. HOT!  

For going on 3 years now, she has had almost daily use as a 3-hole-whore. She is my ass-to-mouth slut  and she regularly gets her ass eaten, flogged and fucked. Its perfection and its hot as hell.  

Imagine the scene where she has had her pussy fucked and eaten to multiple orgasms, where she has  had repeated uses of her mouth and ass, where I have eaten her ass which has been flogged bright red  and where the scene ultimately ends in a primal screaming simultaneous orgasm as I pump my seed into  her ass. Its that really hot, and its our scene every single day.  

Anal sex is a big part of our sexual self-expression. It is naughty and dirty and sexy and erotic and it is as  exotic as hell. We love it. 

Our scenes definitely take us to a place where we are deeply in our primal state. Limbic system  creatures. Having ass play create that experience for us has been a most unexpected outcome.  

To be fair, she does not have the only butthole in the room when we fuck. I have enjoyed her exploring  my ass as part of our play too. This occurs in two ways for us. The first is that I love when she eats my  ass. So, for her to be safe from acquiring a disease by doing this, I also prep before sex. I make sure to  defecate and to thoroughly clean myself with a washcloth before we play. When her tongue is on or in  my ass and she is pulling hard on my balls and stroking my cock, there is so much sensory input that I am  a literally quivering mess. She can easily bring me to orgasm this way. The other way she uses my ass is  to massage my prostate when my cock is down her throat. Again, she uses lube, and she keeps a  particular nail trimmed. She could use a finger condom if she wished, but the truth is that the amount of  finger she inserts to get onto my prostate is only and inch or so, so she is unlikely to get feces on her  finger even if I had not voided. As she massages my prostate, she describes it as if she is “feeling like a  walnut that is a bit squishy”, and when she brings me to climax this way, the stimulus makes me cum so  hard and with such volume that I tend to drown her in cum.  

The third way we could play, is for her to peg me. Put on a strap-on and fuck my ass. It’s not something  we have done yet, and being pegged does not make a person gay as everyone knows, but for us, it’s an  item on the menu for another day. When the time comes, I will do the same sort of things she does to  prepare to make sure I don’t suffer an injury and tear my rectal tissue in a dangerous way. And she will  

use the same sort of strategies I used to get her ready for anal to get me ready for anal. And she will use  lube. LOTS of lube.  

There are those folks in the gay community especially, but not exclusively, who are into size play. The  idea that you can really stretch the rectum and insert bigger and bigger items into the ass, from dildos to  fists is the point of the play. To my way of thinking, this way of playing is an extremely dangerous  behavior and great care is needed to ensure that one does not tear the tissue or cause permanent  damage. Rectal fissures can indeed be deadly. Engaging in anal size-play, one needs to be thoughtful and  careful to safely enjoy putting huge items in your partner’s ass.  

Back to Anal April. We got a lot out of our month of anal-only sex. And I learned a lot about my slut and  myself. It became clear to me how much of a masochist she is, now much of an ass whore she is, how  loving she is, how horny she is, and how committed to me she is. You can read about the experience in  my fetlife account where I kept a daily diary of the experience. Suffice it to say that what I got out of the  experience most of all is the awareness that I am even more of an anal whore than she is. I am addicted  to her ass and to have her use my ass. One of the best parts of Anal April was that the sex that followed  in May, our after Anal April sex, is truly mind blowing because as we incorporated using her pussy into  our scene, she had the experience of being fully present to a whole new context for her ass as a sexual organ.  

For this reason, putting all other reasons aside, I encourage you to explore anal sex based on this one  idea alone. As a man, your sex organs are your cock, your balls and your ass/prostate. As a woman you have your pussy (including your clit and G-spot), your tits and your ass. For both men and women, your ass represents one third of your sex organs. A third!  

Are you really prepared to surrender one third of your sexual satisfaction to morality?  Happy anal.  

P.S. Use lube. LOTS of lube. 

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching  options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms