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Spicing Up Poly Relationships

December 19, 2020 By Jennifer McKinnon 2 Comments

poly family, ethical non-monogamy
via stock.adobe.com

It takes two to tango, but with the proper consent and just the right amount of kink,  polyamorous relationships may just be one of the best ways to enjoy satisfying sex. 

Want to take it to another level? Want a different way to enjoy this type of sexual setup? Here are some hot suggestions to try out!

Role Plays

It all begins in the mind when it comes to sexual satisfaction. And when it comes to multiple partners, communication and chemistry are both equally important in getting that thrill.

Which is why role playing may just be the thing to level up this kink. Fancy being a dom? Talk with your partners on possibly living out this fantasy. Want to play out a particular scene that’s been bugging you ever since? Talk it out with your partners! Have you ever wanted to be someone (or something) when spending time with your partners? Maybe it’s time to plan and make these dreams into reality.

Role playing, when planned and done properly, can bring in a different kind of thrill even before the actual deed. Think of this as a mental form of foreplay—it’s a different approach to having some sexy time with your partners.

Bottom line is, proper and constant communication (which will always be an important trait in polyamorous relationships) is essential to fun and successful role plays. You want not only consent with your partners. Planning the setting (even your individual characters’ personalities) can even be a satisfying act that will make you and your partners look forward to the role play.

Costume Fun

Role plays can be enjoyed in a much more satisfying manner with the use of costumes. The clothes make the man (or woman), and taking off these articles of clothing is just part of some sexy-time fun.

Costumes are essential to getting into a particular character’s or role’s head. This rings true especially if your personality is the total opposite of the role you’re pursuing. Articles of clothing will help you get into the right mindset.

Additionally, certain costumes can be incorporated straight right into the sexual act. Do you dream of being a sub? Perhaps having some leather and straps built into your costume can prove your obedience to your masters.

Do you want to totally play the part of dominating your partners? Perhaps a cock sheath can give you the length, girth, and confidence for a whole new sexual experience. Women may also want to experiment with strap-ons, if the scene calls for a twist or two.

In a way, costumes are more than just clothing to play a certain character. Costumes build up toward a certain sexual goal. These clothes may just be another form of an interesting type of foreplay.

BDSM

Unleash sexual satisfaction among your partners through BDSM. Essentially a higher level of role-playing and costume play, BDSM introduces several forms of erotic enjoyment that you and your partners may seek their kinks from, such as collar play and spanking (there are, actually, a whole lot more).

What makes BDSM acts a higher level of sexual bliss is, ironically, the fact that some plays do not even involve any penetration at all. It’s all about the power play that makes these plays such an orgasmic activity—again, everything begins in the mind when it comes to sexual satisfaction.

An example is suspension bondage. Having your partner (or yourself) strapped and blatantly displayed in their glory requires a high level of trust and consent. The top takes pleasure in tying up partners; subs enjoy being willing toys for their masters to play with.

These displays of power offer an interesting take when it comes to multiple partners, which we’ll expound on below.

Experiment with Group Play

As we’ve mentioned earlier, trust, communication, and consent are important in making polyamorous relationships work. The first three suggestions on spicing up these types of relationships all revolve around open communication.

Now, take everything together, and talk to your partners about doing something fun together. Doing a scene together with multiple partners may be so satisfying, just as long proper consent and rules are set beforehand.

Additionally, this approach may require some experimentation. Going with the group dynamics, would you and your partners be open to LGBTQIA+ setups? How far are you and your partners willing to go with these scenes? Are there any limitations that any one of you would like to discuss?

And this is just why it would be best to sit down and talk with all your partners. You’ll want everyone to know what you want out of these fantasies. You’ll want to be as transparent as possible when it comes to getting really good sex. You want everyone not only to be satisfied but also to be both comfortable and safe with these activities.

Best of all, you’ll want to find out what they think of these kinks you have. Who knows, they may even have better suggestions in mind. The thing is, what you’re after is not only everyone’s consent. Everyone enjoys something if everyone can be true to one another. Now, that is the key to wonderful and hot polyamorous relationships.

Talk It Out

The most important aspect of getting the best sexual kinks from polyamorous relationships is to openly communicate your desires. You won’t get something for nothing. Your fantasies will remain your dreams if you won’t act on them.

Like consent and trust, respect plays an important part when discussing sexual matters with your partners. Your kinks may not be of interest to some, and that is okay. Learn how to listen, and realize that others may have other kinks they want to live out. 

When you learn to open up, listen with grace when your partners open up about their interests; you may just find yourself willing to try new things. And isn’t that an exciting way to enjoy sex? Take some time to talk things over with your partners—that just maybe one of the best things you’ll do in your life.


In her 30s and married, Jennifer McKinnon writes mainly on sexual health for the Enhanced Male and other websites. Jennifer’s goal is to promote better sexual awareness by being self-aware and practicing responsible sex.

Tagged With: bdsm, boundaries, communication, ethical non-monogamy, group sex, poly relationships, polyamory, sex

Low Protocol And Power Exchange

December 12, 2020 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

good girl on her knees, submissive
via stock.adobe.com

It began in baby steps.  Our dynamic was very much an experiment, with each movement forward and each step of the way tested before the full weight of the relationship was brought to bear upon it. 

It was a scary amount of power to give up.  I came into the relationship a business owner, and began a second venture about a year in.  Handing the metaphorical reins over to another when my hard work of years was on the line was a truly terrifying thing to even contemplate.   It came part and parcel of our TPE, however, and I had to trust that he would allow me to continue to make decisions without his interference.

Part of owning a business is having to interact with others in various ways, be it as the customer service representative who is discussing a potential order, as the cashier handling payment, as the scheduler booking classes, as the manager attending to someone’s satisfaction, as the artisan building product and providing updates, or in educational capacities, both online and in-person.  That’s a lot of hats, and they require a certain amount of freedom of action on my part.  It has necessitated trust on his part that I would make decisions and behave in ways of which he would approve without having to have specific protocols in place to govern those actions.

As someone who has grown to become firmly embedded in my local community, I see an incredibly wide variety of levels of protocol.  Some are required to ask prior to leaving the presence of their master, some are required to follow protocols which govern their interactions with others in various settings.  Perhaps it is a set protocol involving carrying packages or interacting with waitstaff or asking permission prior to speaking and touching friends or strangers within kink settings.  Interestingly enough (and this is a conversation I have had with friends on occasion, because many of us are fascinated by the differences in how relationships are built), many of the dynamics I have observed which involve a small business seem to run with a lower degree of formality and protocol, perhaps out of that same necessity.

If I must receive permission to speak to individuals prior to doing so, even ones of specified gender, and my partner is away from our vendor table, I would quickly become ineffective as a merchant.  I would be unable to answer questions or complete a sale.  The same holds true of online interactions.  It would effectively make the business I run hobbled during his regular work hours until he could handle the aspects I was not permitted to attend to without him.  That would lead to additional stress, and I ask a great deal of him as my business partner already.  While he does make those decisions, he has chosen to leave many of the finer details up to me, limiting the majority of his participation to financial decisions such as inventory purchases, and to customer interactions in order to keep me from using my energy and focus up in those areas rather than in completing projects.

The leaves much of our dynamic very informal, from a protocol standpoint.  Fortunately, that works well for our personalities and the way we fit together.  While I sometimes feel that our low protocol interactions can be mistaken for a more casual relationship, which can bring with it a feeling of being less than, I remind myself that some of those stares may be from envy for what may appear to be a higher level of freedom. 

Make no mistake, however.  He holds full authority over me, regardless of the appearance of casualness our low protocol level may give outsiders.  It is so important for us all to remember that each relationship, each dynamic forms as it works best for the individuals in question.  For some, that may mean there are specific rituals and protocols dictating large portions of their actions.  For others, such as us, that total power exchange may rely more on the granted authority of the top-of-slash rather than any formalized behaviors.  We all have to determine what works best for us as individuals and as couples or relationship groups, and build from that foundation.


Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm play, bdsm property, bdsm punishment, bdsm relationship, contracts, dominant, domme, fetish, kink, master, mistress, power exchange, protocol, protocol levels, rituals, sex, slave, slave contracts, slave positions, slave training, submissive

Keeping Our Community Saf-er During the Pandemic

December 5, 2020 By Christmas Bunny 3 Comments

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via stock.adobe.com

These are unprecedented times indeed. Regardless of where people stand in regards to the pandemic itself, one thing we should be able to agree on is the impact it is having on our kink communities. Individuals are struggling with finances, and dungeons who rent or own space are likely struggling to maintain the financial commitment for these spaces without large events funding them.

I have been peripherally involved with some local efforts to create safer ways to restart events, though most of the credit for the hard work of researching and implementing has to go to the local dungeon owner here. The strategies we’ve adopted here may be helpful to others who are looking for ways to kink outside of their homes in safer ways, or who are struggling to maintain their spaces.

Handle Immediate Financial Need

Our first step was mid-May/June when we realized this was going to seriously impact whether or not our dungeon would still be in existence when all of this does finally resume some semblance of normality. We opened a Go Fund Me and dropped the link in our local community space. It was truly humbling to to watch people respond with an outpouring of support in the midst of feeling powerless. Every single donation was appreciated and we raised enough to maintain the rental space through the end of 2020 in that opening drive.

Some of that money went to upgrading the space in ways to make it safer, such as hand sanitizer units, a digital thermometer, a heavy duty sprayer to clean with, and a plexiglass shield for the check-in area. The rest went to keeping the rent current until virus urgency level started to recede in our region. Plans began being made for what we affectionately refer to as LAT parties, or limited attendance and time.

Once we felt safe enough, we rolled out the plan and gave community members opportunities to discuss and make suggestions before any implementation. The owner consulted local experts in the medical field and in engineering and sanitization at every step. He has made transparency his goal, from the way the money is spent, to what all of his procedures are. That transparency has helped people feel safer attending events, since it means they know exactly what to expect.

Opening the Dungeon Again

For indoor events, such as any rope classes or dungeon events there is a clear procedure. Tickets are purchased in advance through Square, which allows an individual to keep their anonymity and credit card information safe, but allows for a comment to be dropped with the user’s scene name so the dungeon knows who will be attending. Attendance is limited to ten individuals, since that was the recommendation as of the time of planning. Any new attendees are sent the membership form and covid waiver that discusses the recommendations for how to handle contact tracing in the event of any incidents (don’t mention fight club, if it is necessary, please contact dungeon owner and he can let others know they need to go for testing). Leading to the door, waiting spots are marked six feet apart. People can peek in the window to see if the prior group is clear of the entryway before entering. Masks are absolutely required while people area present in the building.

Upon entering, guests have a touchless hand sanitizer unit immediately to their right, and are expected to use it prior to moving into the space. They are then greeted and announce their name for verification on the list and to confirm they returned their forms. Stepping forward, the person manning the plexiglass enclosure can remain behind it while reaching around to digitally check the temperatures of each attendee. The CDC states that a reading of 100.4 constitutes a fever, so anyone with a reading there or above is asked to leave (though that has not happened to date). Attendees are then expected to leave the entryway and go down the hallway to the dungeon area.

The dungeon area has been modified from its pre-covid layout. The setup was workable before to allow for whip space between furniture, but has been adjusted to take half of the furniture temporarily out of commission. Those pieces have been turned around or otherwise adjusted so that it clear they are not for use. With a maximum of five couples having scenes at one time, there are a few more pieces available than people, which allow for some equipment choices.

Individuals are permitted to allot their time however they please. They can watch others scenes, they can socialize, or they can choose to indulge in their own scenes. As their time slot nears to a close, a ten minute warning is announced to allow people to wrap up scenes and pack their gear. Once everyone is out, the owner dons protective gear and thoroughly disinfects the entire space with a spray that should not be touched or inhaled, and then clears out for a minimum of twenty minutes, as recommended for usage of that chemical. The sessions are scheduled in two hour blocks with a thirty minute window for cleaning between them.

Because people have freedom to purchase tickets, but they are limited to 10 available ones, a group looking to make sure they are only sharing space with one anther can purchase the entire block of ten when dates and times are released and basically have a private event. For those with immunocompromised partners, that option can be sanity-saving.

Restarting Vendor Events

Because vendor events typically have more of a revolving door type atmosphere, we struggled some with finding the right balance of safety in order to comfortably begin holding those again. For vendors of kink gear and implements, some of them are truly hurting right now after ten months of few to no options when it comes to in-person events. Often, those in-person events tend to be hugely important for clientele, particularly newer community members who may not know what to expect in regards to appearance or quality of offerings. Being able to see and touch items is a vital part of their education, and a piece that has been noticeably absent this year.

We decided to hold our events outdoors, and to require masks. We release an informational document with safety info at the time of advertising these events. We are clear that face shields may not be used as a substitute for masks, due to the most recent research available. Additionally, we hold it in the dungeon’s gated lot so we can limit attendance to two individuals per vendor, and do thermometer checks. We have a security person and someone handling an outdoor handwashing station, stocked by a local soapmaker. Additionally, each vendor has a bottle of hand sanitizer on their table and requires people to use it prior to making contact with any merchandise.

Vendors occupy parking spaces to make things simple. Ones with larger vehicles (vans mostly) park next to the gate to block the view of anyone walking past. They set up tables in the parking spot directly next to their vehicle and are able to space it as they like. Some bring canopies. By alternating car – vendor – car – vendor, we are able to space vendors out nine feet plus add a blockade of the vendor’s car. Vendors remain masked for the duration of the event. One person or germ group may shop a given vendor at a time. A second may wait six feet distant until that group has finished. Additional interested shoppers must browse elsewhere or wait outside of the gate, physically distanced. We encourage anyone who wants to crack a whip to briefly step inside, but other than that and brief bathroom visits, the event is able to operate fully outdoors.

Our first event went well. We didn’t have a high number of attendees, but the ones who came clearly had full intention to purchase from our local people. All the vendors felt satisfied that they were safe and also able to accommodate shoppers. Vending fees are minimal and go directly to the dungeon to help make sure it continues to operate as we move forward.

Neither event is perfect. They don’t have huge attendance. Some people are unwilling to use masks during play and choose not to attend the dungeon events. Some are unwilling to wear them outdoors and choose not to attend the vendor events. Others feel both events are still beyond their risk profile and also choose not to attend. We support their choices either way, but have to move forward in ways that provide the highest level of comfort and safety to the highest percentage of our kink community’s population. As things change, we are doing our best to change with them.

Do you have any additional safety measures your community is taking? Feel free to let us know in the comments.


Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm safety, dungeon safety, fetish, kink, pandemic, safety consent, sexual safety

Learning to Orgasm On Command

November 28, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

Today, I’m going to go over a technique that I’ve been teaching for many years. Those who have read my books will likely recognize it. The technique is designed to help a submissive learn how to come on  command. This is not some mystical, mind-washing, magic trick; it’s a methodology that helps a sub get  in better touch with their body’s orgasm cycle, so that they can control it well enough to orgasm at a  particular moment.  

The Methodology 

The methodology requires a partner, who ends up being in control of the eventual orgasm. Logically,  the dominant will play this role – but I suppose it doesn’t have to be the dominant. For argument’s sake,  and since most people reading this essay are in (or want to be in) power-based relationships, I’m going  to assume it’s the dominant helping the sub learn to orgasm on command. 

The goal is to achieve orgasm on a countdown. The dominant will count from a chosen number and the  sub will reach orgasm EXACTLY as the dominant reaches zero. Over time and familiarity, the starting  number is decreased, until the sub’s required preparation time is minimized. The final goal will depend  on the physical capabilities of the submissive, but most everyone I’ve tried this with was able to achieve  some level of countdown “perfection.”

The process starts with the submissive stimulating themselves. We do this because it gives the  submissive control of the pace and pressure of stimulation. It will be easiest, in the beginning for the  sub to be thoroughly excited and even teased to some degree before you start. You want the sub to be  able to orgasm relatively easily. In the beginning, the dominant can even ask the sub if they’re ready to  start the process.  

We start with a very aroused submissive who is stimulating themselves, relatively close to orgasm: 

The dominant picks a number; something like 20; and begins to steadily count down to zero. The count  should be evenly paced, and reasonably slow. The goal for the submissive is to start to come when the  dominant says “zero” – not before zero; not 15 seconds after zero; but starting to orgasm AT zero. 

As the dominant is counting, the sub regulates themselves towards their orgasm. If the sub feels  themself approaching orgasm too soon, they need to stop stimulation, so that they don’t come – while  the dominant continues to count at the same, steady, pace. The sub then tries to pick up again to  attempt to still come at zero.  

If the sub does not begin to orgasm as the dominant reaches zero, the sub has to stop stimulation,  immediately. The sub’s objective isn’t to come before zero or after zero, the orgasm has to be starting AT zero – if not, stop. 

If the sub doesn’t come at zero, the dominant lets the sub calm down a little and then decides if they’re going to get another chance right away, or not. This is completely at the dominant’s discretion (another  reason why this works nicely for a power dynamic). If the dominant decides not to try again right away, 

the sub will get another chance at another time – but, for this technique to work best, the sub must not  be allowed to orgasm in between attempts. The key here is that the sub either makes it, or waits until  they eventually do.  

The next time the technique is tried, the dominant can start at the same number – or, if they feel that  the starting number was too low, a higher number. The goal is not to frustrate the sub (that will come  later ), the objective is to help the sub make this work. We want the sub to learn their orgasm cycle. 

Eventually, the sub will learn the feel of their orgasm and figure out how to get to a point and hold off  going too far. They will determine how long it takes to get from that holding point to orgasm – which will  become the point in the countdown where they’ll really start to approach orgasm. Every sub will be  different. For my husband, that magic number is 4. He knows that he can hit a holding point and then,  when I get down to 4 in my count, he switches his mindset and can achieve perfect timing. 

Once, does not perfection make. Once the sub gets this right, do it again and again. They will get pretty  good at it, eventually. Once they start to be consistently able to hit zero from a particular number, the  dominant can start at a lower number, 15, 10, or any number down to the sub’s hold point. You may not  make it a couple of times before the process works at a lower number – but the hold point will be the  same and so the sub will find themselves able to achieve shorter countdowns very quickly. 

Once consistently on time while the sub is stimulating themselves, switch to the dominant doing the  stimulation. This opens a whole different situation for the submissive, because they have less control of  the intensity of the stimulation. They also need to communicate to tell the dominant to stop stimulation in the event that they are approaching orgasm too soon – or request for more stimulation if they’re not  quite in position (which opens the door for some interesting “tease and beg” scenarios).  

I have found that, if the sub is well-controlled at self-stimulation, they will adapt to being stimulated  very quickly; much sooner than you may think.  

Once the sub has mastered control while being stimulated, you can extend the technique to all types of  stimulation – including intercourse. 

The Benefits 

There are a number of benefits to having a submissive who can control the timing of their orgasm. First  of all, having so much awareness of their orgasm cycle allows them to last longer as well as not take too  long. These will make them better lovers. It will allow them to spend more focus on their dominant’s pleasure and time their release(s) (assuming they’re allowed to have them) with their dominant. 

There is also the added benefit of knowing exactly where your sub is along the path to their orgasm – making Tease and Denial games even more effective. If you know your sub is going to orgasm exactly at  zero, then, where will they be at 3; or 2; or 1? You can time denial for a perfect frustration – or for  ruined orgasms by stopping at the right number. 

The “Please Stop” game fits perfectly in on top of this. If you’ll recall (from my previous essays or from  my books), the sub is required to ask to stop stimulation 5 seconds before they orgasm. If they’ve  mastered this technique, they will already know EXACTLY when they’re 5 seconds away from orgasm. If  you, as the dominant, decide not to stop, and you start the 5 second countdown, you know the sub will be able to regulate for orgasm at zero. It won’t matter what type of sexual position you’re in or what  activity you are doing. 

Wrapping Up 

This technique is both doable and effective. It takes some time for the sub to master, but it is absolutely  within the reach of most. It’s effective for all genders and makes for a great control game. I hope you  try it and tell me how it goes! 


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, fetish, kink, orgasm control, power exchange, protocols, rituals, sex, sexual fantasy

Conversations Around Mental Health

November 22, 2020 By Christmas Bunny 3 Comments

poly family, ethical non-monogamy
via stock.adobe.com

These times, am I right? If you’d asked me five years ago, I couldn’t have imagined the person I am today, let alone that this is what my daily life would look like. That’s a difficult thing for just about anyone, let alone overplanners like me.

I’ve always been someone who is pretty even-tempered. Most of my friends have never seen me angry, and I’m often the cheerful one. My partner and I don’t have many areas where friction is likely to occur, and on the off chance that some does, we have systems in our D/s that are designed to handle them.

It’s a good life.

I set this up not to brag, but to make it clear that my struggles with mental health issues since March have been unexpected and completely new territory for us as partners, and for us in the larger framework of our poly sphere. This isn’t to say that I haven’t had issues in my life which needed addressing, but anxiety, depression and other spectres which can be treated chemically were virtual unknowns.

The pandemic has been a learning experience for me, for us, in so many ways. I have the ability to work remotely. It limits my income and my hours, but I made that transition mid-March, shortly after spring break, when my partner also made the transition. We went from seeing one another a few hours every day to sharing office space every single day. That feels as though it requires emphasis. Every. Single. Day.

I’ve read articles that say part of our (as a society) difficulties in relationships are partly because of high stress levels which make people more agitated and partly because when we never leave one another, we can’t miss each other. We don’t have those times to reminisce about the good qualities our partners have, just the constant annoyances.

I’ve been lucky in that area. My nesting partner has few qualities I find obnoxious, so my main struggles have been with fear. I fear the unknown, I fear him contracting the virus and dying, I fear death, and I am afraid of what tomorrow will look like.

In the beginning, that made getting out of bed difficult. I found myself trying to sleep more, or burying my head in a mindless phone game to avoid having to think too much, since thinking always led back to the inevitable unknown. It was a pretty vicious cycle. I devoured news articles since for me, knowlege tends to help me feel more in-control. My partner saw that I was not okay. He began limiting my news intake by making me take time off from those things, hoping to help me find a more even keel. I was having small anxiety attacks when I grocery shopped, so he began finding delivery options that limited my interactions outside of the house. His other partner was isolating for weeks before coming to see him to make sure she wasn’t bringing deadly germs into the house. iMy anxiety levels were off the charts and I had no idea what to do. He saw that I was less productive, but it can be difficult enough to admit to ourselves when we’re not fine, let alone finding the words to admit it to someone else.

It wasn’t until the dam broke that I reached out for help. I had made it through a month and a half of the stormy seas of heightened anxiety when we learned that my daughter would have to return to work in a job which required her to come into physical contact with other people. I started crying and I couldn’t stop, and finally called my general practitioner seeking some kind of medicinal intervention. He prescribed a stopgap, and I finally had to sit down with my partner and try to put my feelings into words.

We moved out that weekend, into a living situation which better lent itself to isolating. We collected the vulnerable members of our family and shored up against outsiders. We left my daughter in our house, and I only had to take the anxiety meds when I left the house to collect groceries. We waited for any word that masks were effective, finally running across a test case of live exposure with the potential for superspread, only to have it bumped from the news. We searched for weeks for more information, relieved beyond measure when it came. It was finally safe to return home.

Going home didn’t mean my anxiety was gone. It meant my partner had to keep an eye on me for signs that I might need to medicate. I explored other possibilities, such as counseling, but talking about my anxieties only served to exacerbate them.

My partner began scheduling time for us in a friend’s pool. It was the most human interaction outside of one another that we’d had for months. We’d go swim, and it was like the stress and anxiety melted away, giving us back our humanity for just a little while. It was like lancing a wound – the poison seeped out. It wasn’t healed, but it improved dramatically.

We’ve had to find ways to steal pieces of “normal.” We’ve found that being able to do so safely has been hugely important to my mental health. As it got cold enough that the pool was less attractive, we moved to the occasional indoor game night with those friends, who were also isolating. We added two other friends to our QuaranTeam, our Perv Pod, and we made arrangements to attend our local dungeon together. The space seemed awfully empty, but before too long, the delicious sounds of four bottoms screeching at non-regular intervals and the cracks of whips and sounds of other impact filled the space in ways our physical presence could not.

Our vacation was cancelled, unsurprisingly. So we made plans with that same group to rent a house on the water down south, drove in a caravan, stopped for groceries, and spent a few days taking turns with cooking, playing board games, and fishing off of the back deck of the house. We are finding ways to regain our joy.

I still have to take my anxiety meds. My Dominant makes sure to keep track of how often I need them, and if it starts becoming more frequent, to check on my mental state more regularly. He’s relaxed some rules for the duration of this – I’m allowed more stuffies in the bed as long as the pile stays on my side, and he let me get a new wardrobe of super fluffy pajama pants to work in.

I still don’t know what tomorrow will look like. I try not to think too hard about that. We’re tentatively planning Thanksgiving with our Germ Pod. Even though I cried when I realized the rest of my family wouldn’t be able to join us, it’s better than it could be, and better than it was back in early June.

I know it can be hard to admit it, but it is so important to ccommunicate mental health challenges to partners. There are so many resources out there, help is available. It just takes sliding one foot forward for that very first step. ‘


Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Tagged With: aftercare, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, boundaries, communication, mental health, poly dating, poly family, poly relationships, polyamory, relationship management, solo polyamory

The BDSM Vetting Process

November 14, 2020 By Joji Sada 4 Comments

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When we have the potential for a new relationship, we generally experience a sensation called New Relationship Energy (NRE).  This essentially blinds us to the character flaws of our partner and often makes them the center of our world, regardless of if we are monogamous or not.  It also impedes our communication skills.  NRE allows us to take what our partner says as fact, ignore the red flags, and skim over the vetting process.

At least, it does for those of us who still vet.

When I started in the community sixteen years ago, vetting was very much an important step to entering a dynamic.  This was especially true with the growth of the internet.  With the potential of thousands of possibilities, you had to wade your way through the chaos, and sort potentials into a few categories.

Category 1) Hell No. 

Category 2) Not my Kink (this is basically my kink profile and your kink profile do not match)

Category 3) Maybe (meaning I need to investigate this further)

Category 4) I would like to get to know you

Obviously, people moved from one category to the next as the process continues.  It makes it very hard to vet someone in my Category 4 if I am in their category 1.  

So, what is vetting?

Vetting is, according to the dictionary, to “make a careful and critical examination of (something)”.  

I’m going to be honest…that is a very broad term.  It is also extremely vague.  When I first read it, I imagined a person laid out on a table and I carefully and meticulously examined them with a magnifying glass.  Then I laughed a bit at the absurdity of my thoughts.

Vetting is essentially getting to know someone and make an informed decision about whether they are honest or not.

I have always preferred to get to know someone without the kinks first.  I need to know that I can enjoy your company in a vanilla setting as well as a kinky one.  Even though I live 24/7, it is not an endless dream of whips and chains.  It involves chores to keep the house running, work to keep a roof over our head, postponement of my needs to serve my partners, and a whole lot of cuddling.  If I cannot tolerate you in that part of my life, then all the kinks/skills in the world would not change our incompatibility.

There are a few ways to start the vetting process.

  1. First, I would look through their online persona.  If you have them across platforms, see if their posts and/or their style of writings are consistent.  You can evaluate how ever you like.  For me, are all their posts angry or blaming people for things?  Do our politics match up or do they at least seem tolerant of other viewpoints?  DO they act thirsty with every man or woman they are attracted to?  
  2. Talk to previous play partners or the community.  Honestly speaking, I usually skip this step.  I have always been in a small kink community and that often leads to skewed answers.  It is perfectly fine if you choose to not pursue person X because person Y said they were bad news.  I know that for some individuals, this has been tremendously helpful.  

However, I have also seen the opposite.  In fact, my own dynamic with Master has fed the rumour mill.  Did you know I am always in trouble?  Apparently so.  Those long-lasting marks could never actually be the result of pleasure (*gasp* Shocking, I know).  Did you know that I am too bull-headed to be submissive?  Obviously, I must be extremely unsatisfying to my Dominant.  

I am, and always have been, an open book.  You want to know something, ask.  I have never had an issue with that.  Its when people add their own spin to the story, after I have given my answer, that makes me cringe.  Both of those questions came from a brat who wanted to know how to get her Dom’s attention because she felt he was ignoring her.  I advised her that communication was key.  She needed to sit down and talk with him.  I am not a brat.  I am offended at the implication of being one.  It goes against all my beliefs as a submissive.  But, she did not like my answer.  She then proceeded to tell anyone that would listen that I was a brat, and an unhelpful one at that.

I have been accused of Topping from the bottom because I can get forceful in making sure Master takes care of himself.  I have been told (by outsiders) that I am not dedicated enough because I am not home enough.  Which, on a side note, just fuels my insecurities.  So, thank you.  I have been asked how I can “let Him do that?”  We have blanket consent, including Edge play and CNC.  You don’t have to like it, but I sure do.

All I am trying to say is, there are two sides to every story.  People like to gossip.  People like to put other people down to feel better.  So, maybe what they are saying, should be taken with a grain of salt.

  1. Do not assume anything.  Listen to what the person says versus what they do.  Does what they are saying match what they have put out into the public?  If not, ask.  If they cannot give you a satisfactory answer, trust your gut.  If they make you feel negative energy, walk away.  If you see/feel red flags, walk away.  
  1. Do their kinks match yours?  Now, we get to the good stuff.  Since you have gotten to step 4, you are probably compatible in the Vanilla world, and they do not give you the creepy crawlies, its time to find out if the things they like match yours.  Discuss both of your limits, must haves, needs, wants, safewords, dynamic wants/needs, and everything in between.  Be practical.  Be willing to compromise or walk away.  It would not be fair if one party wants a 24/7 dynamic and the other wants a long-distance, weekend getaway dynamic.  They are both valid wants, but not very compatible.
  1. Safety.  If, and when, you get to the point of meeting (if you haven’t already), please do so safely.  Meet in public.  Make sure at least two people know when and where you are going to be, who you are with, and when you plan to check in.  If I tell my safety that I will text her by 8, at 8:01 she is calling me to make sure I just didn’t lose track of time.  Take your own car or have your own ride.  Sometimes, situations get sticky and we just need to get away.  If your date picked you up, you can feel very stuck.  

In the end, vetting is necessary to finding the right partner(s).  It takes a special breed to give us the communication, trust, and vulnerability needed to make this lifestyle work.  The minute I consent to you binding me, I am trusting you with my mental and physical health.  I am trusting you with my life.

Therefore, you are going to have to bear with me and play a few rounds of twenty questions before I let you anywhere near me.


My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Tagged With: bdsm, boundaries, communication, fetish, hard limits, negotiation, sex, soft limits, vetting

A Little Bit About Knife Play

November 7, 2020 By PirateStan 2 Comments

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I don’t pretend to be an expert on knife play. Sure, I’ve seen and watched a half-dozen demos, and I’ve been grilled and indocrtinated into the basics and essentials by the best, the safeties as well as the do’s and don’ts, but I suspect there are a great many out there who’re bigger “experts” on what makes knife play a thing, as well as the magical-mystical secrets of the naked blade.

Me, I’ve just been doing it for quite a while, in my own way. I’ve thrilled, excited, tantalized, and simply freaked-out a lot of gals. So here, I’ll briefly pass on what’s worked for me as well as what may work for you.

A quick disclaimer: If you’re a submissive who’s thinking they may want to experience the thrill of the naked blade, I recommend not reading any further. There’s more than a little bit of a psychological aspect involved and, like with any good magic trick, knowing how it works takes away most of the fun.

Still reading? Good! So here’s the thing…

Really, you don’t want to read any further if you’re a sub. You’re just going to regret knowing the reality, and a potentially thrilling scene or three is going to be taken away from you. Really.

Still with me? Okay, here we go…

The secret is that you simply use the back of the blade, the dull side. That’s it.

Oh sure, you make a big show of pulling out these elaborate, scary looking knives. I’ve seen several Doms who have these gorgeous, seven-inch curved monstrosities, with elaborate dragon handles and embossed runes working their way down the blade.  Some have demons fornicating erotically with curvaceous babes tooled into them, with a wicked looking double-edged blade that looks like the tool of a maniacal serial killer. But here’s the thing…

… they never use them.

It’s just a show, mere window dressing, artistic license to get a sub in the right frame of mind, that maybe, just maybe, this crazy muthafukka (whom they’ve negotiated with, vetted, and trust implicitly) will do some serious damage, maybe.

Myself, I tend to start our by running the tip up-and-down her back, her legs, her inner arms, any place that’s particularly sensitive. Honestly, this is the riskiest, most dangerous part, as I have scraped and slightly cut a few gals. Never anything serious of course; my cat routinely scratches me considerably worse, and she hasn’t had her claws sterilized like my blade. It’s of course good to have some medi wipes handy for after care as well.

Anyway… wait, I forgot the most important part…

For all that window dressing, the knife I use is the one clipped to my belt. I pull it off, lean in close so my breath is on her ear, then open it with a very distinctive “click”.

If you’ve done your job right, this is where you literally take her breath away, her pulse increases, and her level of potential terror is exposed (even as she trusts that you’ll never hurt her).

So anyway, you do that other stuff I mentioned, getting her used to the idea that this is a sharp pointy thing, it’s dangerous, it could kill her.

Now comes the fun part.

You start bringing it about her sensitive bits, her nethers, her nipples, her throat. I’m fond of pressing it hard against the latter and getting her high up on her toes. At this point her breath’s coming in desparate gasps and tears are coming out of her eyes.

Except I’m using the back of the blade, the dull part. Hell, if you’re nervous, switch out for a butter knife, or a spoon. It’s all going to feel the same. Because you’ve established that psychological bond, that it’s all real, and very dangerous.

If you do everything correctly, you’ll reduce your girl to a blubbering mess, snotty and tearful (a gag isn’t recommended, as you need her to breathe). Certainly, if she safewords, you absolutely need to stop. But in thirteen years, I’ve never had that happen. 

Typically, I wind up with an emotionally wrung out girl who needs lots of aftercare, but who’s eventually ecstatic and ready for more of the same.

So the thing you really need to take away here is that knife play is all psychological, all pretend, make believe, mind fuckery. It only works because you’ve gotten someone into that place where they make themselves believe that you’ll hurt them, even as they know you won’t. 

Sort of like a magic trick. You know someone doesn’t have mystical powers, but it’s fun to believe that they do. But when you see how the trick’s actually done, the fun’s no longer there.

And let’s retiterate; it’s not about cutting or actually hurting someone. That would be blood play, in which the knife’s often incidental. Knife play, when done correctly, is actually pretty safe. It’s not necessarily recommended for your first scene with a new girl. But it can be just the thing for someone who’s ready for the next level.

And if you’re a sub who’s read all this and now knows the secret to the magic trick, and will never be able to experience a knife play scene, well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.


PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication. 

Tagged With: bdsm, dominant, edge play, fetish, kink, knife play, negotiation, power exchange, submissive

Some Sadist Reassurance

November 1, 2020 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

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This article is for all you fellow sadists out there. All of us who love to cause pain to others. Who bite our lip as we watch someone’s toes curl, face wince, tears run. Those of us who enjoy the screaming, begging and moaning of our partners.

This article is for all you fellow sadists who carefully plan your scenes. Who learn our partner’s limits and play just on the right side of them. Those of us who like to scare people when we haven’t even touched them…yet!

But above all this article is for you fellow sadists who have doubts, insecurities. Who have wondered if there was something wrong with us because of what we enjoy. Those of us who have questioned ourselves and if our kinks are okay.

Most of us learnt what sadism was long before we learnt about kink, and we learnt sadism was a negative thing; sadism is cruel, wicked, hateful even. To be a sadist is to derive sexual pleasure from the pain, suffering and humiliation of others. Most of us are raised to understand that to do any of these things to another person is a bad thing, and can only ever be a bad thing. There was no provision made for the possibility of a sexual, consensual connotation to sadism when we were learning about right and wrong.

Throughout our lives we develop our sexual identity: new kinks grow, old kinks fade, we lust for more types of play, we relax into roles, but rarely are we static in our kink identity.

I began exploring my kinks in my early 20’s. At first, as with most people, it was all about exploring, discovering what I enjoyed, and what various partners also enjoyed. Often there were just two of us involved. Two consenting adults exploring mentally and physically what we could derive pleasure from. This was relatively straightforward. I enjoyed tying people up, so I found people who enjoyed being tied up, simple! 

Bondage seemed simple, I would restrain someone in some way, and then do something pleasurable to them. However, it then became complicated by those partners who wanted pain mixed with their pleasure. What made it even more difficult was the fact that I found myself enjoying causing that pain! 

Suddenly I discovered that when I was causing someone pain a third person entered the room.

I discovered this third person quite by accident while exploring my sadism. I would be playing with someone, we would be exploring an element of sadism and often they would be asking for more. I would be wanting to do more, but then the third person would butt in and throw questions at me!

“Are you sure she is actually enjoying it?”

“What if you hit too hard, or in the wrong place?”

“Is it really okay to enjoy this?”

“Should she be enjoying this, maybe there is something wrong with her and I am taking advantage?”

This third person gave voice to all the insecurities of someone new to the responsibilities of being a top. It was the voice of someone who had not been educated about the nuances of consent. It was the voice of my other self, the one that doubted me and even judged me.

At first I was angered by these intrusions. They interrupted my flow, made me second guess not just myself but also my partners. I wanted to ignore it, but the more I tried to ignore it the louder this third person got. 

After ignoring it didn’t work I realised I had to engage with it and that is when I learnt the most important lesson: This voice can work for us, or against us.

We do want to approach sadism gently, for our sake and for the sake of others. When we first start to walk we are prone to falling over, it is the gate at the stairs, the hand that catches us, the sofa we cling on to, all of these are the things that stop us from hurting ourselves too much when we first start. We take things slowly because we are made to, we don’t know any better yet.

That voice, that third person, is a caring voice, it is encouraging us to stay safe, and by extension keep safe those who we are with. We do not need to treat it as an antagonist but there comes a time when we do have to be firm with it.

There is a time when we can walk, run, dance and the stair gate is now just in our way, the hand that once caught us is holding us back. We need to be able to turn to that third person and recognise that it has helped us, it has kept us from hurting ourselves, but in a firm voice we have to declare that we have outgrown it.

We can only be comfortable with who we are when we are able to reconcile with that voice, to tame it and take it inside. Let it become caution, not doubt, let it be experience, not questioning. 

Grow with your third voice, learn from it, but also take control of it.

Sadism is not bad, hurting people is not bad, causing someone to scream is not bad, when we do it with fellow consenting adults! That is the mantra that eventually tamed my third voice. Everytime the old questions would come up I could now answer them.

“Are you sure she is actually enjoying it?”

Yes. I trust the person I am playing with, I trust that they have told me the truth. I know we went through her Yes/No/Maybe list.

“What if you hit too hard, or in the wrong place?”

Then I will apologise, I will make sure she is okay and I will try to be more careful. I will also practice more so that I don’t make the same mistake.

“Is it really okay to enjoy this?”

Yes. I am an adult playing with another adult. My responsibility is to us, and only us. I don’t need to justify what I enjoy to any outside element. 

“Should she be enjoying this, maybe there is something wrong with her and I am taking advantage?”

No, I am not taking advantage. We have sought each other out because of a common interest and the fact that we reflect each other’s kinks.

I had to learn the answers to these questions and practice answering them every time they came up. Until the third person piped up less often, and finally not at all. 

Satisfying that third person is what can let us focus on what is really important when being a sadist; the two people in the scene, you and your partner. Those questions are no longer a distraction, we know the answers and give them before the voice can even ask. The questions have become part of the mental checklist of care that we run through proactively before a scene. 

We don’t fight the voice, rather we find what is valuable in it and make it a positive thing for us and our partners. 

I am now grateful for the voice that expressed all those concerns. In fact I would be more concerned if I didn’t have them at the beginning. The fact that I had those doubts, those worries, reassures me if I ever think that having morals, caring about people, wanting good things for others, is incompatible with being a sadist. 

I do not need to be perfect to be a good sadist, and I don’t need to be perfect to be a good person. I am imperfect and have lots to learn, but I have learnt that I can be a sadist and a good person. 

So back to you my fellow sadists, you are good people who do “bad” things with others, and they love us for it. Be “bad, be “cruel”, be “wicked” and then give your play partner a great big hug after and feel good about it.


Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.
https://fetlife.com/users/2976273

Tagged With: bdsm, communication, consent, fetish, impact play, kink, masochism, power exchange, sadism

Obedience As A Byproduct Of Submission

October 24, 2020 By Ms. Rika 4 Comments

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

I wanted to expand on a thought from a prior article, wherein I stated, “I don’t want obedience to be their goal, I want it to be the byproduct of their goal.” The topic relates to the use of fear as a motivator and is also applicable to the use of punishment to change behavior in a submissive. For this article, I wanted to delve into this a bit more.

Recently in a FetLife.com discussion group, someone posted the question, “What is the most powerful thing A submissive Can do to impress you?” By far, the most popular answer from the group was, “Obedience”. Some wanted “Unquestioning, immediate Obedience”, others just said, “Obey me”.
I thought about this for a while.

It is true that my life is easier when my sub obeys me. I’m less aggravated, expend less energy, and am generally happier than if they don’t obey me. I’m not a person who wants to punish my submissives, nor do I feel the need to reward them for good service (see my articles on punishment and rewards or read my books for a lot more detail on that logic), so I have less complexity when a sub does what I want them to do.

But I don’t have any rules – spoken or otherwise – that say, “Obey Me”. In fact, I don’t even want a sub to think about obedience as a form of submission. Rather, I want obedience to be a logical outcome of their submission.

Many subs believe that obedience is submission. The trope goes: “I promise to do whatever you say, immediately, without question. I will obey your every command”. But I argue that being obedient, in and of itself, is not a submissive act. I cannot consider it to be submissive unless I fully understand the INTENT of that obedience. That’s what matters
In that discussion group, I responded that, what pleases me is less about my submissive’s “obedience” and more about their striving to be the best submissive they can — and that it’s important to them to continually improve their service to me, by seeking to understand and internalize my preferences and expectations. That they measure their abilities as a submissive by my feedback (think CERAF).

It is further my contention that, if a sub is focused on striving to be the best submissive they can be, they will, by consequence, obey me – when it pleases me for them to do so.

You might ask, “when would a dominant NOT want a sub to be obedient?” The most obvious situation that comes to mind is a “Funishment” scenario – or a brat scenario – wherein, the dominant WANTS the sub to misbehave, so that they can “punish” them – or “overpower” them to force them to behave.
Another situation might be if a dominant didn’t think a request through fully before making it, and the sub, in their quest to be unquestioningly obedient, follows the request to the letter, even though they know that the dominant didn’t intend the outcome or action.

Or maybe the request is simply not in the dominant’s best interests. A sub who cares about their dominant may confirm a request, or determine if a carefully framed challenge is in order, as long as they make their motivation clear and are able to get back from such a stand without angering the dominant.

I’m sure it would be easier for a sub to “Just Obey”. They don’t have to think why they’re doing what they’re doing – they’re simply doing what they were told to, and that’s all that matters. Being blindly obedient is easier than understanding why you’re doing something, but is it as good service? Does it bring as much value to the table?

Either way, whatever is desired is going to get done by the submissive – but if the submissive is internalizing the preference of the dominant and executing with motivations intended to directly improve the happiness and satisfaction of the dominant, it has got to be more valuable to the dominant than just “following orders.”

If I ask my submissive why they obeyed me, I would expect them to say something along the lines of, “Because it was something you wanted and I knew that by doing what you wanted, I would be pleasing you and making your life easier. And to challenge you, or delay action, would cause you a distraction you don’t need and delays you don’t want. Certainly, disobeying you wouldn’t please you”. Which is such a better answer than, “Because I obey everything you say.”

Not all dominants want their subs to be thinking so much. Some want immediate obedience. For those folks, I point out that, if a dominant prefers to have blind obedience from their submissive, the submissive would still be motivated by the dominant’s preferences if they blindly obey in an attempt (motivated by the intent) to meet the preferences of the dominant. Same result, different mindset.

When the intent of a submissive is to meet the expectations and preferences of their dominant, obedience naturally occurs whenever it is desirable – and is a natural byproduct of the underlying intent to submit.


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: bdsm, fetish, kink, obedience

Why I Don’t Use Fear As A Submissive Motivator

October 17, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

 

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

Yesterday, I was chatting with a dominant who was boasting about how he had put the “fear of God” into his submissive, so that she would never disobey him. He talked about a sequence of scenes that he  created, whereby she was subjected to her worst fears. In fact, he was particularly proud of how the use  of spiders, a phobia of hers, had made her wet herself in fear. He said that she is now perfectly behaved  and responds immediately to his every demand – since she never wants to relive that experience. 

The conversation turned my stomach, frankly. I know it’s a flavor of fantasy, but it struck me more as  abuse than D/s. Still, it did get me thinking. In many circumstances, punishments are used to establish a  baseline of fear in order to obtain compliance. I’ve often heard of the practice of punishing a new  submissive before they’ve actually done anything wrong – as a means of showing them the consequences of misbehaving and establishing the fear of having to repeat the ordeal. This technique  was even used in “Venus in Furs” upon the signature of the contract, where Wanda told Severin that he  shall feel the bite of the whip, for no reason other than her whim – as a means of solidifying the  agreement and establishing the cost of disobedience. 

As I thought more about it, I found myself considering how I treat my submissives and comparing it to  this technique. I have complete authority over them and can do anything I want to them. Sometimes I  choose to cause them discomfort. Do they fear me? More importantly, do I WANT them to fear me? 

I found my answers in the differentiation between ‘compliance’ and ‘submission’. Compliance is doing  what you’re told; submission is dedicating yourself to the preferences of another. I concluded that,  while there is no doubt that establishing fear is an effective technique for gaining compliance, it is not the best technique for gaining submission. I further concluded that, while I enjoy obedience from my  submissives, I’m not interested in their BLIND obedience. I don’t want obedience to be their goal, I want  it to be the byproduct of their goal. I don’t want them to please me by obeying me, I want them to obey  me because they’re striving to please me. Certainly not doing what I want would not please me and  would make my life more complicated. When the focus of the submissive is to be the best submissive that they can be, their motivation is to strive to deliver top-notch service. So, in order to serve me well,  one of the things they’ll do, is to do what I want them to. What I know for sure, is that I don’t want them  to obey me because they fear the consequences of not obeying me. 

What’s wrong with fear-based motivation? I see a few key issues when you consider submission and not  just compliance: 

• The submissive finds themselves looking for “Outs” – ways to avoid the consequence. The goal is  that they will avoid the consequence by complying with the request. However, if they can avoid  the consequence more easily than complying with the demand, they will – because the  motivation is all about the consequence and not about the request itself. The “Loophole” in the  rule becomes a possibility…and then the dominant is forced to punish use of the loophole…and  round you go.

• The submissive will comply only as much as is needed, to avoid the consequence. Most fear based victims will not attempt to exceed the ask. They will do the minimum to avoid the  consequence. They also will not apply lessons learned to other requests. In other words, unless  there is a specific consequence looming over another task – even one that’s similar to the known  task – the submissive is not motivated to get the job done, as there’s no consequence attached  to that item. The dominant is forced to establish a consequence for every action they wish to  control. 

• The onus of successful completion falls on the dominant! With fear-based motivation, the  dominant must first establish a consequence that’s compelling enough to motivate the  submissive. It must be something that can be actually delivered, as a sub will not be motivated  unless the consequence is real. And it needs to be effective. Should the submissive NOT execute  the demand, it is because the dominant did not establish a fearful enough consequence, did not  consider a loophole, or didn’t apply a consequence to a particular outcome. 

These three points establish obedience as the dominant’s responsibility to enforce. All the sub is doing is  avoiding the consequence they fear. The dominant is busy creating maintaining, and delivering the  consequences. That’s a lot of work and responsibility for the person who’s supposed to be the one being served! 

Contrast this with a submissive who is motivated by their own inner desire to please and serve (and  therefore, obey) their dominant: 

• The dominant is only on the hook for communicating their preferences – then the submissive  takes responsibility for delivering what the dominant wants. The onus of success is on the  submissive.  

• The submissive’s focus is on the results of obedience, not on obedience itself. If the sub  completes the task, that pleases / serves the dominant – and there’s a successful exchange. The  objective is to serve the dominant, not to follow orders.  

• Submissives are much more likely to exceed the dominant’s immediate demand, in an effort to  serve them even better. The better the sub gets in touch with the preferences of their unique  dominant, the better the level of their service becomes. 

While fear-based motivations are quick and don’t require a lot of communication to enact, they lack the  depth of adjustment that submission-based discipline provides. In the short term, and for a specific task,  fear-based may be more efficient, but ultimately, when the submissive is focused on the dominant’s  satisfaction, rather than on themselves (avoiding their own discomfort), there is less work for the  dominant – and the dominant is better served. This is because submissives are more apt to internalize  the dominant’s preferences, and adjust ALL aspects of their behavior in accordance, rather than only a  specific, penalizable action. 

Personally, I haven’t needed to resort to fear-based motivations. I’m glad, because I really don’t want to.  I have found that my submissives are quite capable of providing the self-discipline required to focus on  my satisfaction. We are in a partnership, working together to help them provide the best possible  service and to tune that service uniquely to me. 


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: bdsm, bottom, dom, dominance, domme, fear play, fetish, kink, master, mistress, power exchange, slave, submission, Top

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