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Consent in a 24/7 TPE Power Exchange

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Everything in kink requires consent. It is only inside of consent that the activities we engage in can occur.  Without consent, many of the activities we engage in might in fact be considered crimes. From 1,000  feet away, that is certainly true. On the other hand, simple things, especially now that the nation is  opening up again and we are starting to hear about clubs and play spaces opening up again, engaging  with kinksters in a public space requires consent. “Is it ok if I do this ….?”  

Negotiating in pick up-play for instance, requires at the very minimum, that consent around hard limits  is discussed and agreed to, but what about consent in a 24/7 TPE dynamic? How is consent managed  where one person gifts their power to another.  

In our situation, I am a sensual sadist, and my partner is a submissive masochist. For me to be fully self expressed in my sexuality, I need her to operate as my uninhibited collared slut that gifts me her  submission with her consent. It is a given.  

The question that consideration raises though is how do I know I have her consent? Its not like we go  through a daily scene with me asking her with every action I take if I have her consent. So how do I know.  

One aspect of our dynamic is that we both operate with the full understanding that each of us is 100%  responsible for the health of the dynamic. That requires that each of us respond to any event, thought,  statement or suspicion that there is something perhaps out of sorts by addressing it immediately. We  also hold an especially important context of our dynamic at all times. That being that there is nothing  wrong. So if one of us sees or says something that raises concern, that awareness arises in context that  there is nothing wrong so we can deal with what’s actually so. We do not allow stories to enter into the  discussion. At first, as we were getting related and learning about each other’s habits and routines, we  had cause to have a conversation around this idea that “there is nothing wrong” and once we  established that as a context for our relationship, there have been few if any circumstances where we  would have to address each other from a place of mistrust.  

Another aspect of our dynamic is that we are both sex forward and kink forward. This is something that  was established even before we met. We both wanted to live in a dynamic that was highly sexualized.  The upshot of that is that we play almost daily. The result of having over 1,000 iterations of our kinky  sexuality expressed lives as lived is that we know each other pretty well. I know when I am pushing her  limits and I know when she is on the edge. I am responsible for keeping her on the edge and not taking  her past her limit.  

At the beginning of our sceneing, once she had been claimed, and even to this day after being collared,  she has safe words. Yellow for “I like this but it’s a bit too intense at the moment, keep going” to “Red”  which in our world is simply to “stop now, check in and see if we should continue”. And remember,  there is nothing wrong, so reding out is not a big deal. At the same time, I can tell you that she has used  “yellow” a couple times 3 years ago, and she has never needed to red out. She was told at the outset  that “I don’t break my toys”. This gave her confidence to test her limits.  

This brings me to the most important part of consent in a 24/7 TPE dynamic. Consent is based entirely on trust. 

I have had to earn her trust over time as her Master and as her Dom.  

Consider when we met, I had been operating as a disciplinarian in one dynamic and has a cruel sadist in  another and as a Bull in another and she had never been in a kink dynamic although she had been doing kinky things all through her adult life.  

We had to find a way to relate as kinksters so that our dynamic pulled each of us in directions that we  wanted to explore, and to expand our experience of our own sexuality as we explored the twists and  turns of the rabbit hole together. This was a process of trial and error. Mostly we talked a lot. Before, during, and after scenes. I tried many fetishes and kinks with her and she had the experience of being all  in. When things got too hard, she yellowed and after when asked about things we did, she would say, “I  liked this, or I didn’t like that”. This enabled me to hone the ways we played so that I kept her in a state  of heightened arousal, which is what I find deeply arousing. I want her in a trance state on the verge of climax at all times during our scenes.  

I am sexually aroused when the woman I am with is present with me and puts herself forward to be my  sex toy. My 3-hole slut, my personal masochist. And my partner, Lady Petra does just that. The trust that  is present goes both ways. There are times I want her to Top in a scene to explore some aspect of my  own sexuality, like prostate massage for example, and I need to have complete and unwavering trust in her too.  

One of the ways I know I have her consent is that she chooses to kneel for me whenever I ask. I have  also given her the right to choose to kneel without my request so that if she feels the urge to be used,  she can request that I use her by presenting herself. If she did not feel like I had her consent she would  never put herself forward to be used day after day. The act of preparing for use is consent itself.  

The fact that in being used, she experiences multiple squirting orgasms for about 40-90 minutes at a  time is perhaps one reason that she consistently puts herself forward…but I contend that our  communication is clean enough that if she did have something to discuss regarding our play or our  dynamic, she would do so.  

Our dynamic is a 24/7 dynamic in fact. It encompasses every aspect of life. We have created protocols  for many of the specifics that day to day life requires. Why that is important is that our adherence to  protocols allows us to keep a monitor on the relationship in the same way that a pilot monitors his or  her instrument panel. All the dials on the jet’s instrument panel point in one direction. So, if one dial is  out of sorts (pointing away from vertical), the pilot will notice it immediately. This is similar. If there is  not adherence to one or another protocol it is similar to the instrument panel dial pointing in the wrong  direction. In our dynamic that is unlikely though, because Lady Petra is extraordinarily obedient, and I am very much turned on by her obedience.  

One aspect of our consent agreements boils down to this. We agree to put the dynamic aside and speak  as equals if need be. Early on in our dynamic, we had to do this a couple of times till we could get flat  about whatever it was that was bothering one or the other of us. For more than 2 years now, that has  not come up. One reason is that we are both being responsible for the dynamic as I noted earlier. We take the idea of creating the dynamic seriously.  

I am responsible for creating how I occur to her. She is responsible for creating how she occurs to me.  She pulls me to her by they way she shows up for me. She creates me when she prepares herself to be used and lets me know that she is indeed ready for me. This means that however long it takes me to get  there, I will find her kneeling offering me her leash, or on days when she is ready to be marked, she offers me the cane.  

I am also responsible for how she occurs to me. Consider that. If she is upset, its my responsibility. Its up  to me to get to the bottom of it and to do whatever is needed to get her back to being happy. I leave her  the way I leave her. So, when she is upset, I own it, and when I say I am responsible for how she is  experiencing me, it is both disarming and affirming. The point is that it is my responsibility to create her  experience as my collared slut. I want her fully enrolled in being my personal masochist. My personal  perfectly designed 3-hole whore. My fuck toy. I want her to have the experience of feeling like being  with me is a magic carpet ride. Every day. How do I know I have her consent? Because after I use her,  she sits up and takes my face in her hands and kisses me passionately telling me that I am a magician.  We describe our experience together as “bliss”. We both experience what our Tantra friends call “a  Kundalini Awakening”.  

I have her consent because we are both experiencing the deepest, most connected, most intimate,  highly sexualized, satisfying, passionate, hottest loving relationship we can possibly imagine. And we  created it. It has turned out better than we could possibly expect.  

She chooses to kneel for me. This is how I know I have her consent.  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching  options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

New coaching content can be found on out Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast  platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/  

Predators Can Have Great References

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Predators don’t violate everyone they play with. They need people who can honestly say “oh, yeah, it was great”. They need people who will be a good reference so they can find and groom new prey.

New prey. That would be you.

No one is going to give you the name of someone they’ve violated.
No one is going to give you the name of someone who will say “oh, yeah, him…he’s going to pee in your mouth after you tell him, vehemently, that you don’t want him to do that.”

No one is going to give you the name of someone who has accused them of consent violations, which are the people you’d WANT to hear from. Or, you think you do. Some people hear negative stories and think “Gosh, what if those people are exaggerating? It couldn’t have been that bad.” We see them posting every time someone pops up with their horrific story of abuse and consent violations.

They’re going to give you the names of the people they did NOT violate. You know, the ones who post “he played with me lots of times and I never had any problem” on those same writings.

Let me tell you what, but this serial predator is smarter than you.
He knows he’s smarter than you are because he picked you carefully. He’s had his system in place for YEARS and probably was watching you for months waiting to make his move. Yes, some predators are opportunistic. We’re talking about the patient planner here, the one who will wait for you to walk willingly into his arms.

You aren’t the first victim and you won’t be the last because (let’s face it) you WON’T go to the police. You’ll be too embarrassed, regardless the hurt done to you. Almost no one files charges, let alone sees it through to final verdict.

“But he had such great references!” Of course he did. He made sure of it.

Maybe you should spend the time getting to know them rather than jumping in with both feet because someone you don’t know said “yeah, he’s a great guy.”

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She has over 30 years of experience in SM play and d/s relationships. She is aan award-winning author who has written three “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twenty eight fiction books. Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828 She enjoys crocheting and diamond painting, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Adult Nursing Relationships

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For as long as I can remember, I have had an oral fixation.  Initially, it started with chewing.  I bit or chewed everything.  I always assumed it was a stress response.  As I got older, it developed into a love of sucking.  I often used my own wrist or lollipops if I was outside my home.  As I became more comfortable with it, I moved to using teething necklaces and pacifiers.

I find sucking comforting.  It quiets my mind and help calms me emotionally.  So, in times of stress or highly charged emotions, I use my mouth.  When I entered a relationship with my wife, I just didn’t bring it up.  I continued as I had for most of my life, by self-soothing.

What you may not know about me is that I used to write fanfiction.  I do, in fact, still read it to this day.  Somewhere in one of the stories, I was introduced to Adult Nursing Relationships (ANRs).  

So, what is it?

It has several different names that can be used interchangeably.  However, I do think the way someone refers to an ANR, reflects their interest in it.

Traditionally, ANRs are typically seen as pertaining to heterosexual couples, since this most often occurs after childbirth.  ANRs are not specific to any particular sexuality, gender, or relationship type (such as a Domestic Discipline, 1950’s, Caregiver/little, or D/s dynamic).  

The relationship aspect to ANR simply means there is some kind of underlying connection between the individuals.  It does not need to be a romantic or long-term relationship, although often times they are.  ANRs do not need to be sexual either.  The main attraction of breast feeding is often about bonding, close skin-to-skin contact, or the feelings of nurture from either suckling or being suckled.

So, let’s get into some definitions now that we know the background information.  

Adult Nursing– It is simply a person who drinks the milk of another.

-Medically, drinking a woman’s milk was done to alleviate the pain of swollen breasts, whether from a lack of natural expression or just an overabundance of production.  

Erotic Lactation– sexual arousal from drinking a woman’s breastmilk.  Lactophilia and Milk Fetishism are also terms that refer to this kind of sexual excitement (though they are mostly used in the field of psychiatry and listed in the ICD-10 and the DSM-IV).  Hucows (or Human Cows) also fall under erotic lactation but are more of a sexual fetish that involves animal play and milking.

ANRs can be romantic relationships, sexual relationships, emotional relationships, roleplay, or any combination thereof.

There is also a phenomenon called dry suckling.  Dry suckling is the suckling (or gentle application of sucking and licking) without milk production.

This is the one I enjoy.  My wife did not enjoy breastfeeding nor having her breasts swollen with milk.  When she stopped producing, she swore to never do so again.  While there are ways to induce milk production, we have chosen to not take those steps.  I find it emotionally soothing.  

Adult Nursing Relationships tend to develop one of two ways.  The first is natural development (or curiosity) after childbirth, in which your partner is naturally producing breastmilk.  The second is through arduous negotiation, upkeep, and effort.

The reason I call the second one arduous is because inducing lactation is not an easy process.  It requires constant suckling and stimulation to upkeep, even after milk production occurs.  That said, it is said to be extremely fulfilling.  

It should also be noted that some women struggle with or are incapable of producing breastmilk.  Some of the medical conditions can include hypoplasia of the breast, lactation insufficiency, insufficient milk syndrome, agalactia, agalactorrhea, hypogalactia or hypogalactorrhe.  

Even if you have not been diagnosed with any of these conditions, I always recommend seeing your primary care doctor for advice on inducing milk production, maintaining the supply, or how to cope with any struggles you may be having.

If you were to google it, there are hundreds of homeopathic remedies that say they can initiate or increase your milk supply.  Since I do not have a medical degree, I refuse to offer up advice on those types of remedies or the possibilities of failure or success by using them.

Lactation can be incorporated into a relationship beyond suckling.  In a D/s or M/s dynamic, it can give the D-type more control over their s-type’s body.  

  1. The ability of when or where the s-type can (or cannot) express their milk.
  2. Keeping an s-type bound to a schedule
  3. Breasts swollen with milk are more sensitive and can be incorporated with impact play for both pleasure and punishment (with care).
  4. Milk can be shared with guests at the D-type’s discretion (and with negotiated consent).
  5. If you push down on the breast (specifically at the point where the corner of the lips touch the skin) it breaks the suction.  If done repeatedly, I consider it to be quite Sadistic.

*If it is the D-type who is lactating, the withholding of the ability to suckle can be used as a form of punishment or as a conduit to teach patience and self-control

Honestly, the possibilities are endless.  The incorporation of certain types of play, such as needle play and/or piercings (play or permanent) should be assessed on a case-by-case basis to prevent too much trauma to the breast tissue, which could impact milk flow.

As mentioned earlier, ANRs can be enjoyed by any sexuality and gender.  Biologically, men do not naturally produce breastmilk (except in a couple rare phenomenon in which the hormone prolactin becomes present in their body).  However, there are ways that things can be adjusted to allow them to be the “producer.”  The use of a nursing bra and a bottle of milk (or another liquid of choice) can mimic the natural process.  Holding a partner and having them drink straight from a bottle can still give the same bonding experience while compensating for the inability to produce from the breast.  Tubing can also be used to slow feed liquids.  You can place the tubing near the nipple and have the individual suckle the nipple and the tubing at the same time.  Please note that this needs to be done carefully and can be both messy and a choking hazard if done incorrectly.

Overall, Adult Nursing Relationships are what you make them.  They can be sexual if that is what you wish.  They can be about bonding and being emotionally connected to a partner.  They can involve milk production or not (although the latter is considered a controversial idea).

For me, the most important part is the suckling.  It brings me comfort and peace of mind.  It soothes my frazzled nerves and calms me.  I prefer to suckle at her breast, but I have learned to adjust to the wrist or inner elbow as needed (since her nipples tend to be the most erogenous part of her body).  However you wish to look at it, ANRs are about connection.  Whatever your connection looks like, as long as it is consensual, let your imagination be your guide.

A Masochists Journey

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Something happened this week during our High Protocol scene. For my collared Slut and I, this occurs  when she presents herself to be marked. We do this about once a week. I mark her with a heavy cane.  The number of strokes vary according to her desire. The rest of the week she has a maintenance  spanking during our daily play scenes. That is the context.  

We were talking (debriefing) after the scene, and she said that she found the marking sexually arousing.  This got me thinking about each of our transformations as sexual creatures since we started sceneing  together almost 3 years ago.  

For me the transformation to sensual sadist was not as big a step as it was for her to discover impact  play as arousing. I had explored being a disciplinarian and a cruel sadist at length before I met her and  had found, to my surprise, that pure sadism was not my preferred way of being. I had always wanted my  sadism to be wrapped up in my sexuality, and sadism without sex was pointless as far as I could tell. I needed more.  

For her the transformation was way more nuanced and more profound.  

Its best to tell the story of her transformation in the form of a narrative from the beginning. When we  first met, I saw her as a masochist. To wit, I had given her a task to do to test her obedience and her  masochist tendencies – I instructed her to fig herself with a stick of wet ginger and to masturbate while  doing so. She had 3 orgasms. Then she was required to meditate for a few minutes with the ginger  inserted. She had an out of body experience. I also learned that as an elite distance athlete she had a  lifelong experience with endorphins and being in a trance state.  

After a time, I invited her to put herself forward to be claimed. The claiming would involve her being  “marked inside and out”. I told her that I would piss in her ass and down her throat and that I would mark her with a cane.  

It took something to put herself forward in that context. She had chosen me to be her Dom and she  chose to kneel for me. She was courageous. She experienced the early period of our dynamic with some  fear and trepidation mixed with the excitement of being a claimed submissive, the sex was intoxicating  and new to her, and at the same time, she was having an ongoing conversation with herself, figuring out  how she was going to endure and cope with the experience of choosing a sadist as her Dom long term.  She is very competitive, and she was determined to win.  

During the early period of our dynamic, as a responsible sadist, I was trying to read her before, during  and after scenes, so that I could adjust the sadism to her experience as a masochist as lived. In that we  are in a 24/7 TPE, I had a lot of responsibility to make sure that “I didn’t break my toys”. I told her I  didn’t and she trusted that I would not. I had to be good to my word. For about 6 months, we used  different implements and I created many different scenes exploring many fetishes and kinks to see  where she and I were aligned, and how it felt. It was all new and a thrilling, exciting and scary experience  for her to be in this intense sexual inquiry at that stage of our relationship. We first related as kinksters  and as sexual creatures, and I had made the determination to make sure my partner and I were sexually  aligned. We talked a lot about what worked and what adjustments were needed to make things work,  and for a while, that was how we progressed the dynamic. Several months into our cohabitation, in  response to circumstances, I implemented a Daily Maintenance Spanking regime. This was a particularly important event in our dynamic. We learned a great deal, both about her masochism as a result of that  decision, and about my sadism and what it was that pleases me.  

“During this early phase of our dynamic, I had many stories and scenarios running through my  head as I attempted to make meaning of the impact play variations we were exploring. I liked  the idea of impact play as an endurance test of my will and obedience. As a service submissive, I  was determined to win this game. My internal dialogue included judgements that I should be  able to take 100+ strokes of a cane or any other implement my Daddy chose to use to mark his  property. However, I had little experience with most implements…especially within a 24/7 TPE  dynamic. Early on, I was fixated on the stingy pain of implements and how they distracted me  from being present versus enhancing my sexual experience. I was preoccupied with the pain. At  first, I discovered certain implements were not my favorite. I feared sharing that with my Daddy  as I didn’t want to disappoint him…a sadist. However, I was committed to creating no space  between us and so I began to share. What was so wonderful, is that he listened…he too was  searching for his sensual sadistic rhythm. I found that the heavy flogger was my favorite  implement and would crave it most of all. I knew that the cane would always be present as my  Daddy wanted his slut marked. I resigned myself to endure the cane as the trade-off was his  satisfaction and appreciation of his slut welcoming her marks. During this time of caning, I would  try to use various techniques to reframe the pain. I tried crushing the pain and diminishing it I my  mind’s eye. I would realize the caning as flagellations to pay for the pain I had bestowed upon  my children for divorcing their father. I would also use breath control to focus pain out of my  body on the exhale. All methods worked a bit, but were largely unsuccessful ongoingly. When  Daddy implemented the Daily Maintenance Spanking, I was both excited and a bit nervous. What  if I couldn’t take it? After the first week of daily spankings of 200-500 strokes with the heavy  flogger, I began to look forward to this intimate time. I felt myself relax into the flogging and  after about 100-200 strokes, I was warmed up and no longer would feel the strokes individually.  Instead, I began experiencing an energetic buzz throughout my body. My initial physical reaction  was a dripping wet pussy…often running down my legs. This would always be followed by  incredibly hot hot kinky sex with my Daddy. As time passed, I would comment that I could handle  more and more flogging. Basically, I would stretch my Daddy to flog me until his arm gave out.  Around this time, I proposed that 1000 strokes may be fun to attempt. This scene included my  Daddy tying me up in a bent over position with my hands and ankles bound together. He went to  work and got lost in his own Dom space. I too was lost in sub space and only requested to stop  after hitting our goal due to my legs falling asleep and fearing I would collapse.” – Lady Petra  

Mainly we learned after using several implements over time, that she responded best to the heavy  flogger, and to a steady rhythmic firm impact. We learned that after about 125 strokes she started to  experience orgasms as the spanking continued. We tested her tolerance to over 1200 strokes on one  occasion and only stopped because her arms and legs were falling asleep in the bondage. She loved the  experience. Since then, our daily maintenance spanking routine is implemented exclusively using the  heavy flogger and because we both find it so very arousing, we have ridiculously hot sex every single  time. The spanking is now inextricably wrapped into our sexuality. Her relationship with pain had evolved.  

That was a pivotal moment in her masochism. It was when she first started to experience herself as a  sensual masochist. Her experience with pain was something that we talked about a lot. And in fact, the  daily conversations we were having became the impetus of our podcast launch. 

I gave her a view to consider, that pain is an emotion and that its subject to interpretation. She became  clear through the daily spankings with the heavy flogger over time, that the notion rang true for her too.  Even so, the High Protocol scenes where marking occurred, the impact with the cane was more than she  could process at the moment.  

Over time, we explored different elements around caning her to see if we could find a path to make her  experience of being caned as sexually arousing for her as it was for me. We tried giving her a prolonged  warm-up and we tried taking more and also less time between strokes, but we were unable to alter her  overall experience of being caned, which at that time the intensity of being caned had the impact of pulling her out of subspace.  

Recently and quite by accident, we hit on a novel way to approach marking. I noticed one day that she  spontaneously asked to be marked in the middle of a scene. I mark her and then fuck her ass while she  recovers. One day, she randomly stated after being caned while I was fucking her ass … ”Mark me  Daddy”. First of all, I found the experience incredibly hot and very erotic. Second, she seemed to handle  the next cane stroke with ease. It occurred to me that instead of me trying to judge and assess her  status so as to manage her marking without breaking her spirit, she could just tell me what she was  actually dealing with and wanting at the moment. So, we talked about my need to mark her rather than  hurt her, and her desire to be my marked slut. We made the choice to give her the power to determine  how many marks she received after my initial stoke during a marking protocol scene.  

“When I first asked to be marked with the cane, I was deep in sub space and we had already  began the caning protocols. I was feeling so connected and aligned with my Daddy, that I felt his  caning was an expression of his desire and love for me. He cared enough to mark…ME! My love  for him overflowed and I heard myself say…”Mark me Daddy!” I was both aroused and shocked  at what I heard erupt from me. As I bared down reading myself for his mark, something  changed. He marked me and I remember saying to myself…”Wow…that wasn’t so bad.” The  pain seemed to dissipate quicker than usual too. That was the beginning…Daddy stated that  after my 1st cane stroke on marking days, I would then be given the power to request more  strokes. This was a game changer. Now I would request my strokes, which is a bit of a mind  fuck. But, as a switch, to give me power to request my strokes gave me access to experience my  caning in a new and enlightening way. I began to not dread my caning. I began cherishing my  marks as I felt part of the process. My Daddy’s insight truly led to my greater and more positive  experience with marking.” – Lady Petra 

This was a game changer for her. She suddenly started to relate to the pain of being caned with a  different context and mindset. She started to request many more strokes than she had previously  experienced. This was music to my ears. Hot sex became even hotter! Our kink experience was  dramatically enhanced by this simple choice. She could give up her fears around being caned and  contextualize the experience as “being marked by her choice”. As her Dom, I want her marked and as  my submissive she chooses to be my marked property. We are aligned.  

This brings us to what happened yesterday. After our High Protocol Scene, we were talking and she said  to me “I found the caning very arousing”.  

This revelation exploded in my mind as a line that we had been striving to cross, or a mountain peak we  were trying to summit had been achieved. The experience of flogging her led to a massive breakthrough in her experience with impact play and yesterday, the experience of caning has now resulted in a  massive breakthrough in her experience with caning.  

During the scene, which we begin with a hypnokink induction, I framed all our play in the context of an  “energy exchange”, including the caning, and I suggested to her that she experience the caning as a  massive transfer of energy, which it is ultimately.  

Whatever the catalyst, she had a new experience with the cane that left her more aroused by the  experience that she was at any time in the past.  

By the time she got caned during our High Protocol scene, she had already experienced multiple  orgasms, oral, anal and vaginal, and she had been flogged perhaps 500 times with two heavy floggers in  preparation. Despite that, she shared, after the experience, that at the time, she had a consideration  that she was not sufficiently warmed up and, in some ways, nor was she mentally prepared for the  marking to occur at that moment. Even so, her experience of the marking was, surprisingly, one of being  sexually aroused by the caning.  

“This new experience of feeling arousal during my marking occurred to me newly during this  most recent marking day. I found my caning bearable and was able to feel the energy move  through me and back to my Daddy. Not quite sure I fully understand how to replicate the  scenario, but I do think the suggestions relating to energy transfer with the caning helped me  reframe the experience. Our scenes have only been getting hotter and hotter. I feel closer to my  dominant more than any other person on earth. I think all combined, we have access to a door  to Nirvana that few experience. I am grateful to be on a path with such a sexy sensual sadistic  dominant who pulls and demands the masochist inside me to meet him toe-to-toe. He creates  me and I create him. We are only at the beginning, and I am excited to see where we will go  next!” – Lady Petra  

This is a big deal in our dynamic. I am not sure if its due to one reason or another, or if her experience  was created by several combined aspects of the experience. Probably the latter. What I know is that as a  sensual Dom, I wrap my sadism into my sexuality and now I have confidence that as a masochist, she  wraps her masochism into her sexuality, including our marking scenes, and it brings us closer together  and aligns us to an even more precise degree. We are now even more aligned than we were, and to a  degree that I thought impossible with another human being.  

From the start, I set out to sexualize our dynamic and to a large degree I have been successful. Naturally  this could not occur without Lady Petra’s full enrollment and participation. She is my 24/7 collared slut.  She is always prepared to serve me. And now, our journey has taken a turn as it does in the rabbit hole.  

We set out to explore our sexuality and to seek ever more fulfilling sexual encounters. Over the years,  the twists and turns in the rabbit hole have surprised us. We always say that if we take new actions, the  outcomes are unexpected.  

If I had told you 3 years ago that in 3 years, she would find caning arousing, you might have raised your  eyebrows if you had had a chance to interview her back then. But now, three years later her experience  of herself as a masochist has transformed. The crucible that this has occurred in is that over 1,000  iterations, we have distilled our sexual encounters down to a series of the most exciting, most erotic,  hottest actions and interactions from hypnokink, to impact play, to 3-hole penetration, to a give and take that keeps us both in a state of primal lust and now, because of her most recent experience, our  High Protocol Scene has become scalding hot.  

“I love a woman when she has abandoned her moral center and teachings…when she’s cast aside her façade of propriety and lady-like demeanor…when I have so corrupted this fragile thing  and brought out a writhing, mewing, bucking, wanton whore for my enjoyment and pleasure…enticing from within this feral lioness…growling and scratching and biting…taking  everything I dish out to her…at that moment she is never more beautiful to me except for when I  realize that I have now helped unleash a lioness into the world…”  

−Marquis de Sade  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching  options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

New coaching content can be found on out Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast  platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/

Consistency Is Key!

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We prattle on in blogs, books, boards, and conversations about trust being the most important aspect of developing a dynamic, finding a play partner, and being a “good” fill in the blank. But is it really? Where does trust come from? It certainly does not just happen. Like a bad rash it creeps up on us over time. Insinuating itself into our psyche often without us understanding how it got there.

Trust comes from many things, but in my opinion, mostly from being consistent. In our actions, words, honesty, and temperament being consistent with our partner becomes the foundation of trust. Can we have trust without it?

Why Consistency?

If we have a dog, and that dog tries to bite us every time we touch its head, can we not trust it to do so again, the next time around? In the reverse, if we have a partner who consistently corrects us each time we say we are not attractive, smart, or capable could we not believe they would rise to the occasion the next time? Simply put trust is built on the back of, “if A happens, B will follow,” generally without fail. Trust is a personal connection combined with having faith in another person to act in a manner to which we have become accustomed.

If for some reason, we put ourselves down and our aforementioned partner does not correct us what happens? Our brain registers alarm and we begin looking for why. Did they not hear me? Are they not paying attention? They acted differently than expected.

When we meet a new person and begin vetting them, the general expectation is that they will be honest with us. If we find them not to be, again alarm. They have acted outside of our expectation and set a new one. The old adage, “once a liar always a liar,” comes to mind. After that point we are forever wondering if what they tell us is the truth.

If we run across enough liars in the vetting process, our general expectation of people changes. All people lie. So the next person we vet starts in a hole which others have dug for them.

For good or ill an expectation is set, regardless of the expected behavior being positive or negative. Trust can be a positive and or a negative thing.

If Trust can be Positive or Negative, Why Does it Matter?

Evolution has built us to identify different, as bad. Something different means potential danger. Over time we can become accustomed to many things, even horrible happenings in our lives and they become “normal” to us because they have been consistently happening to us. 

It is why sometimes people who are abused, stay with their abusers. They know what is going on is not healthy for them, even potentially deadly. But they have become accustomed to their reality and can trust the outcomes of each day. Even if that outcome is a black eye, or worse. Evolution is working against them. The devil you know……

The opposite is also true.

Trust matters because it is a building block. The foundation of the structure built upon it. What we are really looking for in lifestyle dynamics is trust built from positive outcomes. That is the differentiator between a healthy and unhealthy dynamic. To get there, to build that, we need consistently positive experiences. 

Of course, there are going to be bumps or things which we do wrong at times, eroding that positive consistency. Hopefully, we have deposited more in the positive bank than the negative. This gives us a head start for when things really go wrong.

What Happens When our Bank Suddenly Overdrafts?

That really depends not on the partner in the wrong, but the partner who has been wronged and their expectations of themselves. Let’s face it, bad things will happen, hopefully not often. When they do, that is likely to late to decide if you are really committed to the relationship. 

To survive these events, the consistent expectation of ourselves should have been a foregone conclusion. Before our world gets turned upside down the attitude of, “I will stick,” can make all the difference in the world. It does not matter what cowpie my partner steps in, as long as the relationship is not toxic, I decided long ago that staying committed is the only option. No matter what, we would find a way through it. 

It may really suck getting through it, but we both have already decided the outcome to be positive. 

Without that consistent personal attitude toward ourselves, we allow doubt to creep in. Doubt prevents us from seeking truth and encourages us to assign blame. Blame never solved anything.

How Do I Get to Being Consistent?

Practice, a lot of it, and holding each other accountable. If one of us breaks the expectations, the other better be saying something. If one of us does something great, we should be expressing our appreciation. It becomes a way of life, a technique we weave into our communication, and an expectation in and of itself. Which, if done well, is appreciated.

It takes the ability to keep an open mind, not jumping to conclusions, and really listening and discussing what is going on. Not assigning blame but finding fact in an effort to design solutions. This no-fault attitude toward communication and accountability frees both partners to be open about more than just what we need to be consistent at but also provides the platform to discuss those things which are extremely difficult. All of which improves open and consistent communication.

Having written expectations, rules, and consequences (good and bad) aids in being consistent also. If we have a primer to follow, we are more likely to use it rather than wing it. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes we have to wing it, we cannot plan for everything. Yet that document allows us to temper the way we respond, going back to what we have agreed to, before deciding what to do. If gives us time to cool down and think about what is reasonable rather than acting rashly and maybe out of emotion.

Rash action is the enemy of consistency and trust. It almost never serves you well.

How Do We Benefit?

Learning to be consistent in how we treat our partner, and others, not only breeds trust but also confidence in them and ourselves. It becomes a launchpad for ideas because we know that if something we plan for a scene, or even life, goes horribly wrong the outcome will be a combined effort to get back to, “us,” not the destruction of us. What an incredible place to be, knowing that we can explore things which may be vastly difficult, and possibly even dangerous (regarding kink), knowing that our partner will see it through with us, no matter the outcome.

Is that not what most of us really want? That consistent person to explore with? The knowledge that tomorrow really is a forgone conclusion? 

Of course, we cannot stop what fate has in store for us. But we can plan for the way we will react to it. Every time we react consistently committed to each other, and toward each other, the stronger that commitment and trust becomes.

The rabbit hole is bottomless. All you have to do is decide to take the dive together, knowing if and when the bottom is found, it will be found together.

Consistency gives us a gift. The freedom to be exactly who we are with each other, without judgement.

Remove the Power Dynamic and Re-Ask the Question

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly! 

Earlier this week, I received a question from a woman who was wondering how to approach her  dominant partner regarding the time he was spending with an ex-submissive. She was expressing anger  that he was not spending that time with her, and that she was conflicted about talking to him about it,  because he was her dominant. 

The day before that, I read a question in a FetLife discussion group regarding how to find compatible partners for a D/s relationship. 

The day before that, a woman was complaining that her dominant husband / ‘daddy’ wasn’t paying her  enough attention and was triggering a ‘fear of abandonment’ issue for her. According to her, it was ‘his  job’ to take care of her…and he wasn’t. 

These three problems share a common thread: They all highlight power dynamics in the relationship, and yet, all have absolutely nothing to do with power dynamics!  

In follow-up discussions with each of these people, I was able to ascertain the root of the real  issues…and in all three cases, the core values of the relationship were in question – not the power  dynamics. In the first case, the woman felt he was spending time with his ex that she felt he should  prefer he spend with her. In the discussion, I asked if she would feel the same way if it was a beer-buddy  that he was seeing, rather than an ex – and eventually she admitted it wasn’t the time so much as the  person. She was feeling insecure and threatened by an ex-partner of her partner. Who hasn’t felt that? 

The gentleman in the second problem was receiving advice from lots of folks online: Get out there, go to  munches, meet the person first then find kink compatibility, etc. It read like a lot of standard, vanilla  dating advice…because it was…because ultimately, he was looking for a partner…we’ve all done that. 

The third woman was dealing with an abandonment issue that she had already spent a lifetime in  therapy working through. She knew the tools she needed to put in place to help herself, but was  avoiding the effort and placing it on her dominant. But the real problem was the same as it always was and the resolution rested with her, as it always had. 

I don’t know whether it’s a need for self-importance or just a correlation vs. consequence conflation, but  I often see people who are in relationships with power dynamics giving WAY too much importance to  the power dynamic and denying the fact that they are in a good-old relationship. I often hear how much  “stronger” a relationship is, because it has a power dynamic. Or, how much better the people are at  communicating because they have a power dynamic that requires communication. 

I believe this is a correlation and not a consequence and I challenge it: Power dynamics are just one of  MANY mutual dynamics / passions a couple can share – any of which will strengthen a relationship and  many of which will exercise communications. In fact, any activity or dynamic in which you engage, that  exercises communications, will TEST those communication skills – and your relationship will hang in the balance. Having a power dynamic doesn’t improve your communication skills – good communication  skills improve your power dynamic. You can observe good communications in relationships that last, and  that includes power relationships that last. But it’s not the existence of the power dynamic that creates  the good communications…it’s the other way around. 

When folks approach me with questions / issues regarding their power relationships, most of the time the problem really has nothing to do with the power dynamic. Most of the challenges we face are plain old relationship conflicts that need plain-old relationship solutions. What I have also found is that most of the people who approach me already know the answer to the problem, but are failing to see it,  believing it must be different because they have a power dynamic! In some cases, they are HOPING it  will be different because they have a power dynamic! 

What I mean by that last statement is that many times the resolutions to relationship issues are difficult,  and it would be awesome if having a power dynamic would make them simpler to resolve. There is an  aspect of ‘giving up control’ that makes one’s life easier…and it is nice to think that giving up control will  make relationship issue resolution easier too. Unfortunately, the layers don’t really mix that way.  Relationship issues hit at a very base-level of NEED in people…and power dynamics aren’t impacting that  level in that way. You must deal with relationship issues as equal partners in a relationship. There are no shortcuts. 

I have found that resolution to most of these issues comes directly from the people themselves, once I force them to restate the question removing the power dynamic. When they voice their concern without consideration for their position in the power dynamic – and just look at it objectively within their knowledge of vanilla relationships, they suddenly can see the answer.  

Sometimes, this is all that’s needed. Sometimes, they don’t like the answer they see, when they are forced to realize that power dynamics can’t be used as a crutch, an excuse for lazy behavior, or a reason  to pass the burden of resolution onto their partner due to their role in the power dynamic. Issues with  power dynamics need to be addressed without the D/s dynamic. 

Next time you’re faced with a problem, try restating the issue without consideration for your power  dynamic. What would a vanilla person do? If the answer to that question is clear to you, like it or not, it  is probably the appropriate answer to your problem as well! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Bondage

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Bondage in kink is a big deal. It’s the “B” in BDSM. Bondage takes all forms. There is the notion of being  owned as a sub, as in you are in a bondage dynamic. You have surrendered your sovereignty, perhaps  not your agency, but your sovereignty. There is bondage in a scene, being tied up or locked up. There is  rope bondage and metal bondage and cage bondage.  

Bondage involves all sorts of tools. If you are into latex, you might be in bondage in a latex vacuum bed.  You might be in a straitjacket, or you might find yourself locked down with straps, tied up with rope,  restricted with chains, restrained with hand cuffs, kept from moving with saran wrap, or even tied up  with a necktie, with zip ties or even with saranwrap.  

Being a submissive who enters a power exchange where bondage is an agreed to activity, you are  looking to surrender your control to your Dominant. As a Dominant, being someone who puts someone  else in bondage, you are taking on the responsibility of that person’s wellbeing while they are in  bondage. This is an especially important consideration. It’s all on you as the “Bondage Top”.  

People do bondage related activity for a number of reasons. The most common experience of bondage  for a submissive is that they feel “safe and secure” in bondage and “cared for” by their Dominant who  make the choice to put them in bondage restraints. For Tops, the issue is simply the arousal that accrues  from power and control.  

The ultimate bondage experience to be enslaved. In most kink-oriented dynamics, the state of  Master/Slave is a roll-play construct, whereas there are in fact those submissives and dominants who  take to the construct very completely and for all intents and purposes the submissive is indeed a slave in  servitude to a Master or Mistress. We have talked to more than one Master and Slave where they  occupy the space of a life of bondage with total control accruing to the Master or Mistress with no  consent accruing to the slave. For the purposes of this piece, I do not intend to examine this level of  bondage. In this writing, I am assuming that all forms of bondage are consensual and are part of kink  play scenes or dynamics.  

Much of bondage play is limited to chastity. For Cis males, a simple cage keeps them in a form of  bondage that is a mind fuck. With their Master or Mistress being the keyholder, that ability to hold a  submissive in bondage in the form of chastity that controls their orgasms can be a very hot way to spice up a dynamic.  

Some forms of bondage, like rope bondage, require the rope top to be quite skilled. Naturally there is  some risk associated with rope bondage. A tie that is too tight in the wrong place can cause nerve  damage. If it’s too tight and on for too long it can cause other sorts of tissue or joint damage too. A rope  top who puts a joint in an extreme compression and does not allow the sub out in time can cause non reversable orthopedic problems with joint failure a consequence over the long term. The point is that in  order to participate as a rope bottom, one needs to be in communication with one’s rope top so that  they can come to a point of clarity about the severity of the bonds they employ.  

Naturally, there are metal bonds. My slut likes to be chained up. She finds that when I pull out the  chains and she hears the clink and clank of the links as I get set up, she drops into subspace almost  instinctively. Chains are very effective in restraining a submissive and with a few handy padlocks, very  quick to employ as compared to rope. They also take much less skill to use, but they do have a downside, that being that the metal is unforgiving vs soft tissue, so make sure not to put compression  on a nerve, especially at the wrist. Also true of you are using handcuffs for bondage.  

Bondage is also art. Rope bondage is quite beautiful when done well. Shibari is the Japanese art of rope  bondage. In fact, “…the origin of Shibari comes from Hojo-jutsu, the martial art of restraining captives. In  Japan from 1400 to 1700, while the local police and Samurai used Hojo-jutsu as a form of imprisonment  and torture, the honor of these ancient Samurai warriors required them to treat their prisoners well. So,  they used different techniques to tie their prisoners, showing the honor and status of their captured  prisoner.  

In the late 1800′s and early 1900′s a new form of erotic Hojo-justu evolved, called Kinbaku, the art of  erotic bondage. Today, particularly in the west, the art of erotic bondage is typically called Shibari, which  is an art of erotic spirituality, not a martial art.  

Shibari style rigging creates geometric patterns and shapes with rope that contrast beautifully with the  human body’s natural curves. The ropes and their texture provide contrast to smooth skin and curves. In  Shibari, the model is the canvas, the rope is the paint and brush, and the rigger is the rope artist.  

The aesthetic arrangement of ropes and knots on the model’s body in Shibari rigging emphasizes  characteristics like sensuality, vulnerability, and also strength. The positioning of knots in appropriate  places stimulates pressure points on the body, very similarly to acupuncture techniques and Shiatsu, a  form of Japanese massage. Some believe a Shibari experience also stimulates Ki energy flow and transfer.  

In addition to creating beautiful patterns, with rope, body and limb placements, Shibari rigging induces  physiological conditions known as “sub space” and “top space”, which are similar to the “runners high”  experienced by athletes. A Shibari experience results in an increased level of endorphins and other  hormones, creating a trance-like experience for the bottom/model and an adrenaline rush for the  Top/rigger. When a Shibari scene is performed with appropriate ambience, these effects are actually  visible in the face of the model. The term “rope drunk” is sometimes affectionately used to describe the  euphoric condition of the model after a Shibari experience.  

For most practitioners of Shibari, the use of rope bondage does not include an unwilling victim like the  “Damsels in Distress” images popular in Detective type magazines. Instead, there is a collaboration  between the Shibari artist (the rigger/Top) and the Shibari canvas (the model/bottom) to create a  combination of effects including visual beauty, power exchange, helplessness, relaxation, and sub space  and top space physiological experiences.  

Contemporary practitioners of Shibari enjoy creating beautiful still images, live and recorded  performance art. Shibari can also be used as a component in BDSM play and an enhancement in sexual  activities.” (source: https://artofcontemporaryshibari.com).  

The point is well taken, playing with bondage is like other D/s play dynamics where the essence of the  power exchange is expressed and realized through bondage play. The sub achieves an altered state of  mind and in many instances, as noted the top does too.  

Something about being helpless seems to be a major motivator for a sub to agree to bondage. One of  my favorite early moments with my sub occurred as I was testing her limits early in our dynamic. The scene cage bondage. I chained her in the cage on all fours. The chain held her head in place with a snug  loop around her neck that tightened if she sagged onto it (this allowed her to explore breath play to her  satisfaction) , and her arms were held in place at the wrist so she had to stay put. She was wearing a  lemon juice infused ball gag, so she was drooling profusely, and at the same time, she had a stick of wet  ginger in her ass which kept her attention, and of course, she was being relentlessly fucked with a fat  dildo by a fuck machine. When I eventually released her from her bondage, she was in a state of deep  subspace that lasted for hours after her release. When we talked later, she described the feeling of  being helpless for my pleasure as making her “very wet”.  

Gags are a simple form of bondage. Remember, all BDSM related bondage is about taking control away  from a submissive in a manner that ultimately enhances sexuality. Whether is gags, or rope, or chains, or  a cage or chastity, or simply an instruction, my submissive does not push back against imposed bondage.  She is obedient and she knows that if she is in bondage, it pleases me. One of the first times I put her in  bondage, I hogtied her. After she finished squirming, she relaxed into it and in a while was in a mental  space of feeling secure in her bonds for my satisfaction and then when I removed the bonds, she was  feeling both the side effects of being in bondage on one hand and proud of herself for being a good girl on the other.  

She likes it when I do things like tie her down and use her because it plays on that helplessness that she  finds so sexually arousing. If I restrain her by her tits while I fuck her ass, she cums hard.  

Bondage lives in the world of a power exchange. One thing we have been playing with in the context of  bondage is the notion of hypnotic bondage. We have found that hypnosis makes everything in our kink  dynamic better and we believe that hypnotic bondage is no exception.  

Bondage is a kink that depends on consent. It’s a choice to be helpless in a sexual context. It’s a choice  to put someone in bondage. Consent is required to take someone’s freedom away from them, even for  a short time. In many ways, bondage is the basic kink fetish that even those completely vanilla folks  sometimes employ to spice up their sex life. And it’s the thin edge of the kink wedge. First, it’s “here let  me tie you up” and then, it’s “here let me blindfold you” and all of a sudden you are mainlining kink. I  jest, but all of bondage play is designed to enhance sexual experiences and this is true from the simple  little tie to a bedframe, all the way to being suspended upside down in a Shibari rope scene. Very often,  bondage is used to secure a submissive who is then subject to impact play. For example, the first time I  used a cane on my slut, I tied her down so she would not squirm in a way that would create danger for  her. So it’s a useful tool in a layered kink scene (a scene where there is more than one fetish in play).  

There is another consideration on bondage where it is designed to be more in the realm of torture than  play. In sado-masochism, the submissive suffers for the sadist. You see this with things like breast  suspension, or perhaps restraining a submissive on a wooden pony, or hanging submissives by hooks in  their shoulders, or using clamps to hold them onto a wall or St. Andrews Cross. There are lots of ways to  add extremes utilizing bondage. I have known Tops to use coconut hemp which is very irritating, on one  hand to rubbing ginger on the metal bar she is resting on with her naked (spread) vagina while  restrained on the other, as a couple of examples.  

As with anything in kink, consent is the key. It is always useful to spend time after a scene with a  submissive in aftercare because of the depth of subspace that often occurs with extended bondage.  Aftercare is very important, and especially the debriefing part of aftercare. It’s important to talk about what worked and what didn’t. What should be further explored and what aspects of the scene should be  discarded. When your scene can inflict permanent damage on a submissive, its best to play with a  healthy dose of caution.  

We did a few podcasts on bondage:  

 Season1 Episode 74 The “Rope Podast” Interview  

 Season 1 Episode 29: Bondage, Slavery, Cages Rope and more!  

That you can find in our archive at https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/ 

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching  options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

New coaching content can be found on out Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast  platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/

What’s The Difference Between An Orgy and A Gang Bang?

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Gang Bang – one person is the central focus with several others fucking that person.Most people think of one room, one chick (guest of honor), and a buncha dudes. But there are gangbang nights at venues, with numerous women in attendance. They hit one of the beds at varying times through the evening. Some of the men will participate in more than one group.Most people also think the center person must be surrounded by partners with all the hands and mouths working. Personally, I prefer the “train” method. One after the other, take a number and form a line.The woman picks her crew, hits a bed, has her fun, and they all leave the bed when they’re done. The sheet is changed and ready for another group. The same woman may pick another crew and go at it again, two or three times, or more.While the party may last four or five hours, I’ve not personally seen any group encounter last much more than twenty minutes, for some reason. 

Orgy — “Do people walk into an orgy expecting anyone can do anything to them or that they can do anything to anyone?”
I’ve never seen an orgy at which anyone could do anything they wanted to anyone else. Consent still matters and, as I said, the events I’ve been to have been mostly heterosexual affairs. Bisexual men and women may be in attendance, but I’ve not personally seen man on man, woman on woman action. Or a woman pegging a man.

Sidebar: I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. Just that I’ve not seen it at the parties I’ve attended. (I’ve been to three venues and countless individual parties in the last four out of five years. The scene was put on hold for the plague.) Some venues have multiple rooms. I can’t be everywhere at once.I don’t attend bisexual or lesbian events, and heterosexual men aren’t interested in seeing man on man action. If there’s bi-action to be had, the het-men want to see two women together. Single het-men are the largest demographic at the parties I’ve attended. Since they pay the most to get in, they are the ones funding the party and making the promoter rich. Women are usually free to get in. If women were charged to get in, few would attend. (It’s called Gender Pricing.)If women don’t attend, there’s no party. 

Consent & Rules — Just because you’re in the big bed with 10 people doesn’t mean everyone can touch, fuck, suck, and lick every body part that comes within reach. Check the rules of the party before you attend. If you still aren’t sure, contact the organizer. Everyone has to mind your manners and ASK if they can touch. If they can suck. If they can fuck. If they can lick. If a couple is already going at it, you have to ask if you can join in. Some parties have a rule not to approach if people are already engaged, to wait until they are done and have left the bed to ask the woman if she would like to play with you. If you ask and the answer is no, then you don’t do that thing. Nor do you ask again. The answer was no. There’s no badgering allowed. There may be two or three beds pushed together to make a large surface, but there are also usually beds off to the side for those who don’t want to be on the big bed. A couple might have their play apart from the group. There’s no rule that everyone at an orgy has to be playing on the same bed or together. An orgy could also be a bunch of couples playing on separate beds. The definitions say: “wild or drunken festivity or revelry, especially involving sex with multiple participants” or “indiscriminate sex”. If we are to strictly follow the definitions, none of the “orgies” I’ve been to have been orgies. Because not everyone is drunk, and it’s not really that wild. It’s all rather orderly and not all that indiscriminate. They’re remarkably vanilla, straightforward sex with very little or no kink or SM activity, even when the venue itself is SM positive.
Excerpt from: The upcoming book Questions Frequently Asked About BDSM


Kink and Managing a Disability or Chronic Illness

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I have always known life was unfair. We see examples of it everyday; I experienced and have observed it here in the US and many countries abroad. Fair is in August at the fairgrounds, there is no promise of it anywhere else. Knowing this, it should not have been a shock when my charmed life was upended almost two years ago by this principle.

Before I go much further, this article is not going to be about how you should or should not let your disability get you down, what you should or should not do in kink regarding it….. It is about me, and my challenges. Hopefully by letting you read about them (for the normal folk) you will be a bit more patient toward us gimped up people. For those of you who do face challenges, maybe you can find some humor and hope.

But I digress. 

Almost two years ago I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. One morning I woke up and had no control over the left side of my body, had a hard time focusing or forming words, part of my tongue was numb, and half blind. Obviously, my better half was concerned especially since I struggled for a half hour to get myself together for work, like a dumb ass. After Nibbles threatened to knock me down and call an ambulance I relented and went to the hospital willingly. 

Honestly, at that point, I thought I had a stroke. 

The First Week

You guessed it, lots of tests: after several MRIs, CAT Scans, blood tests, an EKG, and two ultrasounds later I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. The neurologist put me on some high-octane drugs and steroids through an IV and I spent 5 days in the hospital. Time enough to contemplate and fear just how much my life had suddenly changed. Including kink. I was afraid I would never walk again, let alone be able to guide a needle or throw a flogger. The pit of despair I was falling into was immense. If it had not been for Nibbles and one other, I think I would have given up right then.

They reminded me I had a life to get back to no matter how that looked on the back side. We would figure it out and find our new normal. 

Getting My Feet Back Under Me

The first few months at home I began to get back most of the motor function I had lost. Weaker than I had been before, but able to get things done with a cane and taking extra time. Movement was still slow, delayed. I remember one morning looking at my coffee sitting on the dining room table thinking my way through picking the cup up and taking a drink. Gone were the days, at least for a while, where I could just respond to my desire for that liquid. Everything was now a process. 

And apparently, while I was not looking, I had become as fragile as a Faberge Egg. Every movement watched, being completely catered to, and my attempts to help out being rebuffed. I was allowed to do almost nothing for myself and I did not have the strength at the moment to fight it. So for once in my life, I did as I was told. At the time it was a great source of butt hurt for me. Now I have to look back and laugh at this sudden role reversal between myself and Nibbles. She was now in charge, taking on the dominant lead, and took the phrase mother hen to a whole new dimension.

Slowly I improved and over time I got back to more normal activities, well normal for me. Practicing with a flogger to see if I still could, a single tail, as well as other toys. Hell, I was not allowed to mow the lawn so might as well beat a pillow or two! And I did. 

I found that I could passably work with my right hand with some effort. Florentine was completely out of the question and working from my left, we’ll just say I resembled a penguin with palsy. Even I had to laugh. But I kept practicing.

Tigers Hate Cages…..Even if They Are Gilded Ones

The first time back to the club, I might as well have stayed home! NOBODY would let me do anything but sit. Playing was not happening as a rotation of hens, now a squad strong, made sure my glass was never empty, my plate always had a “healthy” choice on it, and companionship was never more than twelve inches away. Now under normal circumstances, this might sound like I had hit the jackpot. Died and gone to heaven. Even to this day I am appreciative for all their help (that night and many others). In the moment, I was frustrated. 

The big cat had finally made it back to his part of the jungle to be told he could not hunt. Doing the only thing I could, I put on a pleasant face and entertained those around me. From sunset until nearly three in the morning, I talked about whatever came to mind or was of interest. By the end of the night my voice was horse and throat so sore I wanted to jam a popsicle down my neck and leave it there. The experience gave me a new appreciation for the ladies who like to spend hours at a glory hole. Troopers one and all.

OK, So I Was Wrong – Changing My Perspective

If it is not apparent, to escape my coddled purgatory I needed to change how I approached things so those around me, acting out of a deep sense of care, would allow me to do what I do. Without hurting their feelings. I worked long and hard at home practicing with a couple of different floggers to make sure I was proficient enough to not embarrass myself or hurt someone. Finally satisfied with my progress, I talked to Nibbles and one of my play partners about setting up a scene that weekend. 

I do not think I have ever, in my life, had to run such a gauntlet consisting of the number of variations and iterations of the question, “are you sure?” in my life. 

I would rather have gone back through a military promotion board being grilled by senior non-commissioned officers for three days than repeat that hour or so of the concerned looks and expressions of uncertainty. I was certain, I was ready, and damn it……. If they let me….. I was going to do it. Thankfully, they relented. I had a date!

I realized though all that was happening, I was going to effectively earn their trust all over again. Not that they did not think me capable, kind of, but they did not want me to take on too much too soon and somehow goof myself up again. 

Friday night came and off to the club we went. On the 30-minute ride Nibbles made sure to remind me as often as every other mile marker not to overexert myself, to keep drinking water, and that it was ok to stop and sit down if things got too much. Bless her heart, really. I think she was way more nervous about my scene than I was. Being the legend in my own mind, I was focused on making my chosen bottom cherry red from her shoulders down.

What really happened was I did overextend myself. I had a great time doing it, but the bottom was more concerned with how I was doing the entire time than just being in the moment. I think I spent more energy redirecting her back into position and to focus than I did swinging the floggers. No matter, I was back. All uphill from there. Just nobody told me it was going to be five miles, barefoot, in the snow, and into a headwind.

Yes, I was going to have to earn their trust again. So, in the moment they could focus and not worry that I might collapse into a pile of unresponsive goo. How?

Learning to Just Be Me Again – With a Twist

The problem was not theirs it was mine for the most part. They had every reason to worry because I was not displaying the self confidence in myself needed to inspire their confidence in me. I had to set aside the thoughts of what I could not do well anymore, and focus on what I could, as well as find new ways to function. That included kink.

The next several months were focused on what I could relearn, building a different muscle memory, or new ways to do old things. Short play sessions to put theories into practice and help reconnect with Nibbles and other play partners. Giving them an opportunity to relearn me also and show them I was not just trying to be better, I was getting better.

The more I worked on myself and worked with them, my self confidence grew and returned. They worried less about my physical state and started to enjoy play with me again. I rediscovered the joy in it. I guess old dogs can learn new tricks.

A Weird Blessing in Disguise

No, I am not the person I was before MS reared its ugly head. But what am I going to do? Give it back? There is nothing to do but be the best me regardless of the circumstance. I would like to think, in some perverse way it pushed me to be a better top and dominant, even though different. It forced me to look at myself, kink, and my partners in a new way. Shoving me out of complacent patterns allowing me to be more creative. 

The support of Nibbles, and everyone else around me, gave me purpose to push myself harder. Certainly, I could not have done it without them and their encouragement. As annoying as it might have been at times, I could not have asked for a better life partner and friends.

When it all first hit, I lost faith in myself. I doubted what I could do and if I could do. However, I learned as long as I kept pushing forward, the details would take care of themselves. That to claw my way back I needed to trust myself again so my partners could trust and confidence in me.

A Silent Risk of Bondage – Positional Asphyxia

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“In many ways, oxygen is to the human body, and particularly to the heart and brain, what oil is to a car’s engine. Indeed, there’s a medical adage that goes ‘hypoxia (becoming dangerously low on oxygen) not only stops the motor, but also wrecks the engine.” (The Medical Realities of Breath Control Play, Sexuality.org, Jay Wiseman)

In a world where we love tying each other up (yes please) and delivering a good spank physical injury in play is commonplace. For the most part it is light bruises or red marks which disappear in days if not hours. People excited, displaying what their Top gifted them the night before are all over Fetlife or showing the marks off at gatherings. 

Once in a while, we see injuries/marks a little more serious. Branding, scarification, bleeding cuts, lacerations, split skin, and very deep bruising involving the muscles come to mind. These are less common but no less welcome and attributed to heavy play.

Part of play for many, some even plan them. Easy to recognize, often talked (or bragged) about, and thousands of resources of information on how to care for them exist. We see the marks, can share them, and others know what to do. Although potentially dangerous, we have a map to work from and take care of them. What about the unseen risks?

There is a sneaky bastard many have not heard of. Something that can happen even during lighter bondage/rope play. It can be hard to recognize, and difficult to react to: Positional Asphyxia.

What is Positional Asphyxia?

Positional Asphyxia occurs when our bottom cannot get enough oxygen because of the position we have put them and the muscles supporting breathing wear out becoming over tired. Between hog ties, ball suspensions, predicament bondage, and other inventive poses we cause mechanical stress on the structures of the chest. Restricting the bottom from breathing normally.  Eventually, the muscles supporting breathing give out putting them in a life threating position (hypoxia- the lack of oxygen at the tissue level). 

I should clarify, I am not writing about breath play or other kinks which intentionally restrict breathing. Positional Asphyxia is the result of accidental circumstance in situations where we are not planning on breathing, or the lack there of, being part of play.

Positional Asphyxia is more likely to occur when there are additional physical stressors which causes their body to work hard. Wrestling, being thrown around in a CNC scene, physically demanding positions, and physical exercise are a few examples. The use of or stimulants or alcohol also increases the risk. Medical conditions such as heart disease, asthma, bronchitis, etc. can contribute also.

Someone who is physically exhausted and in a compromising position is particularly at risk as they may be unable to tell you they are in trouble. Gravity and their own physical state are working against them.

Recognizing Positional Asphyxia

When we play hard and for long periods of time subspace, fatigue, and lack of focus can make it difficult to see when a bottom may be in trouble. Let’s face it, both partners get tired and a bottom at the end of the physical rope (pun intended) may be lethargic and slow to respond. This combined with a top being tired from play can make us miss what is really going if Positional Asphyxia is an issue. 

These things together can make distinguishing between what is normal (in the context of kink) and real trouble a much more difficult task. However, there are some general indicators which can help you see trouble and act quickly.

Symptoms of Hypoxia: (can vary from person to person)

Acute Symptoms- Shortness of breath, rapid breathing, fast heart rate, wheezing, coughing, changes in skin color (particularly the fingertips and inside of the lips)

Severe Symptoms- Inability to communicate, confusion, loss of consciousness, slow heart rate

Other symptoms may include- restlessness, headache, sweating, cold and clammy

Assessment and Response

THIS IS NOT MEDICAL ADVICE- When in doubt seek medical assistance immediately.

Before you run for the hills, as long as you are doing what is needed to check on your bottom you should be able to catch any issues before they become serious. Generally, it takes a long time for Positional Asphyxia induced hypoxia to occur as a result of being bound. However, once it does set in, there is no time to waste.

Hopefully, you know the person you are playing with very well and generally know how they act or react to various play. If they are acting abnormal to what you know of them, are displaying sign/symptoms of hypoxia, or you have a reasonable suspicion they are in medical trouble, seek medical assistance immediately. With that being said, there are some quick things you can do to help you assess their physical state and respond to potential hypoxia.

Assessment: Level of consciousness- are they unresponsive or seem very confused? Are not speaking or responding to questions? Breathing is fast or gasping? Do they have a headache? Heart Rate is very fast or very slow? Are they cyanotic (bluish color inside the lips or fingertips)? Perform a capillary refill test, do they refill in more than 3 seconds? Are they cold and clammy to the touch even though sweating?

If the answers to one or more of these are yes, they are possibly in a hypoxic state. The more yes’s you have the more likely they are in serious trouble.

Response: If you reasonably believe your partner is hypoxic (the result of positional asphyxia) – CALL FOR MEDICAL ASSISTANCE NOW! Do not wait, hem and haw and worry about what people will think. Hypoxia is a life-threatening condition which can cause serious harm to major organs and death in a very short period of time. Sometimes minutes. 

Get them out of any bonds and elevate their upper body and legs adjust as necessary however it is easier for them to breathe; continue to talk to them and encourage them to breathe deeply and slowly; keep them awake if at all possible; do not let them smoke, drink, or eat. Stay with them and do these things until medical first responders arrive.

If they lose consciousness and are not breathing and have no pulse, begin and continue CPR until medical first responders arrive.

You are the only one there and have to make a decision quickly. Yes, take a minute to help figure out what is going on, but minutes may be all you have. DO NOT WASTE THEM ON INDECISION!

Prevention

Now that you have dumped a full fecal load in your shorts and have sworn off any kind of bondage understand that there is a lot in the way we interact and play which helps prevent Positional Asphyxia and hypoxia from ever happening. The more we improve on the following skills and aspects, the less likely bad things happen.

Attentive and Present: Stay close to anyone retrained or bound. Not just because of positional asphyxia but there are other ways a restraint can have a negative impact. Have everything you need in the room with you before you begin to play. Including a charged cell phone and safety shears/rescue hook (keys and bolt cutters for hard restraints). Be attentive throughout the whole scene, paying attention to how they are doing and responding.

Communication (verbal and nonverbal): The louder the better. If they are loud, they are breathing and getting oxygen. Constantly be talking and eliciting a reaction from them. Use dirty talk, make them answer questions, whatever. The point is if they are becoming less communicative, we need to assess why. Watch their nonverbals. Are they a wiggler who has stopped wiggling? When you slap their thigh do they normally react? Etc. The longer play continues, the more physically drained you both may get. Make a point of asking how they are doing if you are unsure.

Physical Restraint Setup and Body Position: How and where you apply bonds be it rope, leather, or chain can impact the bottom’s ability to breathe freely. As you are applying the bonds check to make sure they are not so restrictive they will prevent the expansion of the chest. Ties which put additional stress on the chest such as behind the back arm binders or others which put the arms behind in an awkward position cause the muscles in the chest to work harder.

Gravity plays a roll. Head down positions will impact the ability to breathe over time. Weight/pressure placed on the chest such as a hogtie position (their weight is on their chest) make the diaphragm and chest muscles work harder to maintain breathing and wear out faster. 

Be Technically Proficient: I cannot stress this enough. Learn and know your craft. Practice, loads of research, classes if possible, and interacting with more experienced players is a must. You both will have a better time and more likely to avoid issues.

Health Assessments (disclosure and annual physicals): Any medical condition which may affect play must be disclosed. This is for both of your safety. Even if the issue is the top’s. Get yourself and your bottom to a doctor once a year, or more often if necessary, for a general physical. We change as we age. It is just a fact of life. 

Knowledgeable of Body processes and Physiology: Although I do not consider this a must, it is definitely helpful. Knowing how the body and its processes work can help inform your play and give you an increased margin of safety. Not to mention devious ideas 😉

Hydration: Drink lots of water before, during, and after play. We need water to make sure our bodies are working at their best. Water is critical in the oxygenation and blood circulation processes. If we are dehydrated, we are not going to be able to transfer oxygen efficiently to our muscles and organs.

Well Rested Before Play: Being well rested helps us be our best during play, ensures our muscles are ready for the stress, and we can endure for longer periods without our muscles giving out. 

Final Thoughts

Regardless of your kinks or type of player you are, Positional Asphyxia is a risk you need to be aware of and know how to react to.  For most players, this is probably something you will never see in your lifetime, hopefully because you have built good habits into your play. 

Take the time to really learn and practice your craft, and have fun doing it. My goal through these types of articles is to help you do just that, have fun safely. Almost everything we do is risky, just take the time to find the counterbalances to those risks.

Do not be scared…… be informed!

Special Note and thanks: Great thanks to Dee Wells an amazing ICU Nurse for her expert eyes on this article. I may have stayed in a Holiday Inn last night but she does the serious stuff for a living….besides being kinky. And thank you to Dr. Wishesnottobenamed, wizard of the Emergency Room and Trauma-Fixer Extraordinaire. His insight was invaluable when sorting through what was important to include in this article.

For more information on Positional Asphyxia and Hypoxia and related information check out the links below:

Viewpoints Concerning Erotic Asphyxiation (bdsmcafe.com)

Bondage, Hogties and Positional Asphyxia (devianceanddesire.com)

Jay Wiseman essay on Self Bondage

Positional Asphyxia by Various (selfbound.net)

Article: Positional asphyxia | ESINEM Shibari Classes

Positional asphyxia (slideshare.net)

Hypoxia (medical) – Wikipedia

Hypoxia and Hypoxemia: Symptoms, Treatment, Causes (webmd.com)

How to Check Heart Rate: 5 Methods and What Is Normal (healthline.com)

Capillary Refill Test – Physiopedia (physio-pedia.com)