Article - Kink Weekly

Finding Your Ideal Kinky Partner

October 4, 2020 By SafferMaster 3 Comments

Dakota found just the kind of guy she was looking for

When I found myself divorced after a long, long unhappy and sexually unfulfilling marriage, I resolved to find my ideal partner. I made the choice to create a 24/7 sex forward, kink forward relationship with a submissive masochist who would be my live-in collared slut and true love. This was singularly the most important choice I could have made at the time. It took me a couple of years of focused effort to find her and to create the amazing life we live each day, which surpasses everything I could have imagined. In fact, I would say that the outcome is far beyond my wildest expectations. I am present to a life of kink, with extraordinary sexual encounters every day that are literally mind blowing. Beyond that, my partner and I are 100% aligned with each other in literally every way. The difference this has made to my life is extraordinary. Imaging being married to a woman who was more interested in motherhood than our relationship and who found kink “too naughty” to engage in on one hand, compared to now, where I am completely fulfilled in my darkest kink desires routinely, and our journey down the rabbit hole together is exciting, producing moments of ecstasy that are completely indescribable every single day. It is the difference between chalk and cheese. I am present to being happy, fulfilled and loved in a manner that was simply not available to me in the past. The effort was worth it.

If you were to ask my partner, Lady Petra, she will tell you that as my marked, collared slut she experiences feeling complete in a way that is new for her, being both deeply loved and also experiencing what she describes as “true love”.

In short, we are happier and more fulfilled in our relationship than either of us had ever been, or knew how to be.

This level of alignment is available to you too. This article is a primer on how to set about finding your ideal partner and creating the relationship of your dreams.

If you can see it, you can create it.

Begin by Imagining the kink relationship of your dreams. Imagine being completely aligned with your partner. Imagine having a relationship where there is no space between you, where you have no concerns, where the sex is extraordinary and where you are truly whole-hearted. Imagine both you and your partner being fully self-expressed as your true authentic selves.

A shared love of spanking brought Lola and OT together

This state of bliss is absolutely available to you.

A good place to start the inquiry of how to bring this about is to get crystal clear as to what your motivations are. Here the issues are personal. How do you see yourself and how do you interact with the world around you?

Then there are the concerns that relate to two people creating workability in their relationship. Are you looking for a life partner? A play partner? A Master? A Slave? Are you in touch with your demons? Do you play well with others?

Make an inventory of who you are. Are you able to keep your word? Do you have personal integrity in your relationships? Do you know what, in a perfect world, a relationship with your ideal partner would look like beyond the sex?

The first step,then, is to get completely clear about who you are….how you see yourself. The second step is to examine how you see others.

Think of kink as being represented by a sheet of paper. The range of kinks on the X- axis, with the range of intensity on the Y-axis. Imagine that you occupy an area the size of a quarter on that page. The objective is to find a partner with whom you have maximum overlap.

Time to ask yourself some more questions…this time the questions are related to your sexual desires, i.e. in a perfect world, what specifically you like done to you, what specifically would you like to do to your partner. What level of intensity do you desire? How frequently do you like to play. How long does your ideal scene last? What sort of aftercare you desire and so on.

Step three is to consider how you occur to others.

It’s time to get your social media platform to align with your self-discovery. The best advice I can give you here is to be completely authentic.

I wrote a seeking post that I spread around the kink internet. I posted it as my “About” in my profiles and within a week, the women I was seeking showed up.

She said to me on our very first date “I swear, you wrote that to me, personally”. She had embarked on her own search by reading hundreds of profiles. When she landed on my page she knew she had found her man. Now, she is my collared slut and we are incredibly happy.

The point is that you have to do the prep work to be able to successfully attract your ideal partner.

Its 3 parts:

– How do you occur to yourself ?

– How do others occur to you?

– How do you occur to others?

Doing complete work will give you the best chance to create your ideal relationship. Good luck!

SafferMaster and Lady Petra are kink relationship coaches offering a range of services that can be accessed on their Patreon “Lady Petra Playground”. In addition Lady Petra and SafferMaster host the daily podcast Kinky Cocktail Hour that can be found on your favorite podcast server. Lady Petra and
SafferMaster will teach a workshop on DatingKinky.com in
September/October. You can find Lady Petra on Fetlife @Lady_Petra. You can find SafferMaster on Fetlife @SafferMaster.

Dominance vs. Leadership

September 19, 2020 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

latex, kitten, bdsm play — via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

There is a lot of discussion regarding the concept of “Leadership” in D/s circles. However, the terms “Leadership” and “Dominance” are often confused. In many cases, dominance and leadership are linked and, in some cases, used interchangeably. I see a definitive difference between the two characteristics and point out that, while it may be true that many dominants are leaders – and leaders are dominants, there many people who are one, but not the other.

The basis for the differentiation comes directly from their definitions:

Leadership (from Forbes magazine): is a process of social influence, which maximizes the efforts of others, towards the achievement of a goal.

Dominance (from the Oxford Dictionary): Control; authority; rule; supreme influence.

The key differentiators are Control and Authority. Notice that leadership stems from social influence, not authority or power. Leadership requires others, and that implies they don’t need to be serving the leader directly. In the case of a D/s relationship, the submissive commits to serve the dominant and gives the dominant the authority in the relationship. They are yielding control to the dominant, who is given the right of expectation to expect and demand fulfillment of their wishes. Leaders do not have right to such an expectation.

I think it’s true that there are natural leaders who are also dominant. I tend to think I’m one of them. However, many of the subs I’ve met, including my husband, have been leaders outside of their relationship with me. Natural leaders in their fields, natural leaders on teams, natural leaders in their endeavors…but in their personal relationships, they exposed their (also natural) submissive side. We all know of the stereotype wherein a powerful executive chooses to be the slave of a dominant. While I’ve argued that this is more driven by a desire for regression, and that, in the majority of cases, the executives are actually LEADING the relationship through the use of their wallet and are really only bottoming for their own pleasure, I also know of many cases where people in leadership positions, choose to fully submit within their personal relationships as well.

I also know dominants who are not particularly good leaders. Either through a lack of desire to lead, or through a lack of the skills necessary to influence without the need of authority. They may be awesome, loved dominants – but you wouldn’t want to follow them into battle!

This leads me to conclude that we always need to consider an individual’s natural leadership potential within the context of a relationship type. As I have pointed out in my books and prior articles, there are many relationships types…not all romantic; not all deeply personal. I believe you can be naturally disposed within the context of one relationship type – and differently across other relationship types.

Taking it up a level of abstraction, there are the relationship types surrounding groups of people and common goals (think CEO, Team Captain, Project Manager) – I know, and know of, many great leaders who lead with the intent to accomplish something – organizing others to achieve a common goal.

Then there is the context within relationship types between two people and the dynamics of their attraction – The leadership in this area presents far differently and can have many flavors of the types of dominance and submission discussed here. It seems to me that SOME people have both types of leadership – but it’s perfectly possible, and even prevalent, to have a dominant leadership style in one context and a submissive style in another.

One place where leadership and dominance tend to be erroneously conflated, is in discussions of “FLRs” – “Female Led Relationships”. Very often, FLRs are used interchangeably with relationships where the female is dominant. I hope by now it’s clear that these really aren’t the same thing. The 1950’s, “MLR” equivalent, was the “typical” household represented by the “Dick Van Dyke” show. For those of you young-ins who never saw it, YouTube it: Great writing, good comedy, and loveable characters – but I digress. In this typical 1950s house, Robert Petrie ran his home and was clearly the “leader”, but there is no way he dominated Laura Petrie! In fact, it would not surprise me, in the least, to discover him suckling on the heel of her shoe behind closed doors (right behind a lot of submissive guys I’ve met, who loved her)!

Even though it may be true that many dominant women also lead their households, it is not a given that every FLR is a D/s relationship. Every “follower” is not a submissive. There are different INTENTS (my favorite word) to following than there is to submitting. You might follow as a convenience, or as a means to avoid doing something you find unpleasant or difficult for you. Many dominants delegate decisions to their submissives – and follow their lead – in areas where the submissive is just better at the task than the dominant, or that the dominant just isn’t interested in leading. That doesn’t make them any less dominant. You can never tell intent by looking…you need to understand the individuals, the context, and the motivations.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

BDSM Scene ideas – Bondage with leather

September 12, 2020 By PirateStan 2 Comments

My girl and I engage in a great deal of bondage play, the vast majority of it leading to either coitus or some form of mutual orgasm (multiples for her; alas, a single one for me). And while I can certainly appreciate the artistry and eroticism involved in the slow, determined application of elaborate ropework/shibari/kinbaku, the few times we’ve personally engaged in such activities we’ve found ourselves frustratingly stymied by the inevitable.

It’s like this; if it takes an hour to get her wrapped up in all that rope, it takes damn near and hour to get her out. With an equal amount of focus and attention. And while there may well be an erotic appeal to all that time involved in getting her wrapped up, when it’s time to get involved in some erogenic frenzy, we both want her freed from her bonds tout de suite. And it’s not as if we’re going to be taking a knife to those hemp ropes we both spent so much time and effort washing, conditioning, and treating.

Lia’s leather armbinder is tied above her

This being the case, we’ve found any number of quick alternatives which create both the close constriction she finds appealing, as well as the bondaged security on her which I crave. In short, they’re any number of quick bondages, easy on/easy off, although the former can be drawn out for an extended period for the previously mentioned erotic appeal.

Of course, I’ve already talked about several of those here; cling film, duct tape, zip ties, handcuffs, they all have their appeal, their advantages and disadvantages. Cling film, in particular, is especially versatile (notably when combined with duct tape) as it can be used for mummification-type bondages or cinched up into an improvised rope.

But the thing I’ve been using for the 30-some-odd years that I’ve been actively tying up intimate partners is leather, specifically belts, mittens, armbinders, and other assorted paraphernalia. And I have to say that during that time, I’ve accumulated quite a collection, one I wouldn’t recommend anyone try to duplicate in a short time (unless you’re Christian Grey levels of rich).

Simple arm and leg bondage with leather straps

I’ll take a quick time-out here to indicate that pretty much every girl I’ve bound in leather has found the experience to be extremely pleasurable, with many going directly into subspace. Additionally, those who’re otherwise experienced with rope found the leather bondage to be a very different one.

To start with, there are the belts. You can accumulate quite a collection from your local thrift store very inexpensively (one store in town has all of their belts priced at $2.00). You can use them for wrapping wrists, ankles, arms, and legs. Thin belts can be used to cinch the wider one for extra tightness (or you can just use shoelaces). It’s amazingly easy to make belts pleasurably tighter by tugging for that extra notch (it also isn’t a bad idea to acquire a leather punch to add holes along the entirety of your belts).

You can take your time wrapping your girl in belt after belt after belt after belt, creatively finding new places to strap them into place, always tugging them tighter and tighter until she’s practically bulging around them, like a sausage. And if she finds them to be too tight, it’s a very simple matter to loosen or remove them entirely without disturbing the integrity of the bondage as a whole.

India bound to a board with leather straps

Best of all, as your intimate play progresses, you can progressively, easily, remove strap after strap until she’s entirely free. At which point she’ll likely go crazy on you.

I moved on from thrift store belts some years back and these days almost exclusively utilize the “Lexus” of belts made by the inimitable “Leather by Danny” (https://leatherbydanny.com/shop/en/). Not only are his straps the best on the market, he also manufactures a back binder which makes securely adding multiple straps to someone’s upper body remarkably easy. I’ll personally vouch for the quality of his merchandise, as well as his personal service in standing behind his products.

I suppose it goes without saying that leather straps can be used quite effectively in combination with the inevitable leather cuffs most people keep in their toybags. These, combined with any of the myriad of carabiners and other connectors which are easily (and inexpensively) accumulated from your local hardware store leave you with a variety of opportunities limited only by your imagination.

Leather bondage mitts prevent Iona’s hands from being useful

Moving on from simple belts and cuffs, we get into more advanced bindings, such as gloves, mittens, armbinders, and armbags, all of which are rather pricey but which leave a girl hopelessly and helplessly bound. Some lace up, some buckle, some have both, but all have the advantage of keeping a gal’s mischievously probing hands and fingers well in check, amping up the frustration factor considerably.

Finally, for the ultimate leather bondage, there’s the bodybag, or sleepsack, which will keep someone tied-up, strapped in, and strapped down like some sort of leather mummy. Even I don’t have one of these… yet. Watch this space.

Mistress Ashley keeps her slave in a sleep-sack

In the end, leather bondage can be a lot of fun, a unique, pleasurable experience, easy-on and easy-off, and one which, while it can be tested inexpensively, can ultimately be a real budget buster. Give it a try and you may find those ropes collecting dust in no time.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.

Journaling While Under Consideration

September 5, 2020 By Joji Sada 4 Comments

sexy tatted vixen with collar — via stock.adobe.com

***under consideration is an optional step/stage in the power exchange dynamic process. It can involve petitions, contracts, consideration collars, etc. It is essentially the step before being officially entering into a power exchange relationship. But again it is not needed to enter into a power exchange dynamic.

Journaling is often heavily used in power exchange dynamics as a tool for the submissive to learn, grow, and express themselves.

Sometimes, I think it is important to go back to the basics.

When I was taken under consideration by Master, his main requirement was journaling. I was to answer the same question, every day, and see how my viewpoints evolved over time. His question: What is one kinky thought I had today?

My first few entries were sexual. While I was aware that BDSM and sex are not mutually exclusive, the word kinky led me towards it. Slowly, over the span of a few weeks, you can start to see less mention of sex and more mention of my internal struggles.

So, I thought I would share with you a few snippets from my “under consideration” journal. I have never let anyone other than Master read these. They are deeply personal, and my stomach sits heavy with anxiety as I type these up. I am starting with just a few from the very beginning for this go around.

These have not been edited or transformed in any way. They are simply transcribed so I could share with you my thoughts from then to now.

Day 3

Today was slightly different. I spent a good majority of time contemplating what qualifies.as kink. To me, kink is both sexual and lifestyle driven. It seems to reflect an acceptance of my choices, my likes and dislikes, my thoughts, my goals, and all associated knowledge gathering for the BDSM part of my life. So, when I think about my kinky thoughts, I drift towards a goal. I would like to learn about the Leather lifestyle, and I would like to live it. I would like to be mentored by you in regards to it. I spent a while after work looking up information and compiling questions. I expect that part of the journey is the search for knowledge and self-reflection, but I would appreciate a guiding hand.

I’ve thought about our previous conversations in regards to living by guidelines; by a code of conduct. I am unsure what the virtues Leather outlines so I’ve decided to list what I find important and compare it later on.

Patience– Is it always important to remember that anything worth having is worth waiting for.

Honor– There is nothing more important than knowing that someone’s promise, their word, is a binding contract that will be supported and defended. It is also essential that whatever virtues and personal laws that guide someone are worth defending.

Respect– You should be an individual who carries themselves in such a way as to not only deserve respect but be willing to give it as well.

Even Tempered– You should never be feared by those you trust, never act in a moment of high emotion, be able to assess a situation with detachment, and be known as someone who is clear headed and fair.

Trust– While I believe trust is gained, and can be lost, one must be willing to cherish the trust placed in their hands and be able to be willing to take someone into confidence, if earned.

**I know there are more virtues I consider important, but I am currently drawing a blank. Therefore, I will leave it as is and revisit this thought process later on.

Day 13

Today, I got to ask the question of the day on KIK. I asked, “when negotiations are required, are they more in depth with a short term or long-term partner?”

To me, negotiation is the foundation of the progression of a relationship. My negotiations are all based on long-term relationships and goals.

In the group, J relayed her thoughts on negotiations. She viewed every decision as a negotiation. For example, if a Dom says no, then a sub lists the reasons they disagree with the answer, and then a final decision is made is a negotiation. I was surprised how much I disagree with that. In a D/s situation, my negotiation for every day decisions would be the consent to being a submissive and consent to service as such. The rest is filler. Regarding play, I can see a need for extra negotiation, but not in everyday situations.

I wonder if I am wrong. I wonder if my view is too narrow. It somewhat confuses me.

I also wonder if I am just strange. When I negotiated with Sir, I had one rule. As long as I, or our wives, had not verbally stated something was not allowed, then Sir has the right to try it. I call it “blanket consent.” To me, if I cannot trust someone enough to allow such consent, then I should not submit to them.

Is that wrong?

Day 17

I struggle with submission. I recognize the “big” moments that require me to listen and obey. But, those “little” everyday moments are hard to let go. I struggled over a ridiculous order and you asked me to write about it.

My mom and Graa came out to visit, as a surprise. Because of this, we went to visit. As we were getting ready, I realized I only had my tennis shoes. I started looking for a pair of socks. After a couple of minutes, you told me to wear your sandals. I told you, “no, its fine.” You stated otherwise. When you said “three” and started the countdown, I paused, I stopped searching, and I tensed. “Two.” No movement, no words, no obeying. “Now.” I moved, almost reluctantly. However, I listened.

It feels natural to submit to you. However, I have a very hard time letting go of control. I am in control at work, and I am in control at home. I hold the weight of the world by choice.

However, when I am ordered by my Dom, outside of play, I struggle with the mindset switch. Sometimes, it is the inability to let go. Sometimes, it is a challenge. Sometimes, it is a lack of recognition that it is an order. Sometimes, it is a push to see if you are serious.

All the time, though, it is a moment that quiets my mind. It is an attempt to center myself. I trust you fully, and with each successfully obeyed order, I’m starting to trust myself.

Day 37

You put me in the corner (of all things) today. I deserved it. Honestly, had the child not been there, I would have deserved the belt for mouthing off and calling you a woman. I knew as soon as I said it, I was in trouble. I find it hard to look you in the eye when I’ve misbehaved. I’m worried I will see disappointment. That’s something I severely dislike seeing directed at me.

When I was in the corner, you asked me one question. “Am I ready to behave?” You told me you wanted a yes or no answer, and as soon as I gave my answer, I could leave the corner.

It took three questions and physical contact on my neck before I could bring myself to answer you. You told me my answer didn’t matter. As long as I answered, I could have left the corner. You asked me if it was so hard to answer the questions. The answer was Yes, Sir. It really was that hard.

I don’t believe in doing anything half-assed. If I couldn’t answer you with an honest, fully meant yes or no, then I would not answer.

I expected a few swats or the belt. So, when you put my in the corner, my first thought was disbelief. My second was wanting to deck you. I wanted to turn around and wipe the smirk off your face. That is why I rested my forehead to the wall and closed my eyes. I took a full, deep breath for clarity. This is when the fight for control begins. It is a small mantra of wanting to challenge your rights as Dom. At the same time, I have a strong feeling of need. I know that I need discipline. In all the fight, I never debated leaving the corner. Even when I turned, I did not leave the spot you left me in.

I wanted to push you. I wanted to push and push and push until You stared at me in disbelief and reacted. But, I knew that I did not actually want to upset you nor did I really want to be in control.

I use breathing to center myself when I cannot kneel or curl up and cuddle. I use slow breaths to answer the hardest questions that I have. I used it to remind myself that I asked for you to be firm. I used it to weigh the heaviness of my words if I had asked if “this was all you had.” I used it to measure my needs and wants. As soon as I take that first, steadying breath, I know that I will submit. Because I want to. Because I need to.

So, the longer I stood there in silence, with my eyes closed and my breathing slow, the more the fight morphed into giving you an honest answer.

Could I behave? Yes, I could. I just needed to waid through all the white noise first.

I have always been open that I fought Master tooth and nail after he took me under consideration. He saw something in me that even I didn’t. He took steps, such as requiring me to journal, to help me learn about myself.

I am not proud of fight I have given him. Yet, I know it was necessary. It took me six months to kneel for him. It took another three for me to refer to him as Sir verbally. It took over a year for me to crawl for him.

Throughout it all, he was patient with my struggles and firm with my punishment. He was calm when I would work myself into a panicked state and damn near all knowing when he gave me topics to explore.

He knows me better than I know myself.

Because of him, I can read back through that first year, and see where I was. I can read of my confusion, my distaste with myself, my joy, my triumph, and my growth.

I can watch myself change and learn.

Now, I use these writings as a guide so I can help other new submissives. I stand strong in the belief that you never have to be subservient from the beginning. You never have to change who you are. You never have to face the journey alone.

You just have to be honest.

With your Dom, always.

But, most importantly, with yourself.

My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Changing The Language Of Kink

August 30, 2020 By Elyssa Rice 2 Comments

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We do not often think about the gravity of our words. As we speak, words flow freely without much thought, and many times these words have consequences that we never see. When we compliment someone who has been feeling particularly insecure, we cannot begin to understand the positive impact that those few words could have on their mood. In fact, many, if not all, are entirely unaware of the power of the words we speak. I would like to think that most of us try to use our words to heal, but I have noticed that there is so much room to improve just how we use these powerful words that come out of our mouths.

I have noticed this beautiful part of the kink community, the space where kinksters protect and defend one another. Where they make sure that they do everything in their power to minimize both physical AND emotional harm. This often comes in the form of warnings about behaviors, words, history, and rumors of others in the community. We are playing this massive game of telephone, and while it is spectacular to feel like I have the power to protect others, I have noticed that my language and the language of so many others is actually quite problematic.

So, what are the words that I am talking about that are problematic? I imagine if you have been in the scene for any amount of time, you have heard them over and over again; real/fake, good/bad. The idea that there are “real” or “fake” or “good” or “bad” kinksters is not only incredibly invalidating to those who identify as kinky, but it can be a dangerous game. What you can be is dangerous, inexperienced, or reckless. You can also be responsible, attentive, or considerate. When we are discussing others in the scene, it can be incredibly problematic when our language is not accurately portraying what we mean. To describe someone as “bad” when we really mean that they are “dangerous” is doing a disservice to our community. Word of mouth can be so incredibly influential when trying to venture into this new world. If we are not careful about the way that we use language, we can be steering newcomers (or as I like to call them, baby kinksters) in the wrong direction.

When entering into the kink scene, it can be enormously helpful to connect with those who are more experienced. If those experienced kinksters want to open their hearts and minds to newcomers, it is crucial that it is done with caution. We have the power to ultimately shape the experience of another and we should take that responsibility seriously.

When we are looking at shifting language, it is important to become mindful of not only our words but our intentions. Are we steering someone away from a new play partner because they are dangerous? Did we personally have a bad experience with them? Are there unresolved feelings, so we are not ready to see them with another person? All of these questions and so many more can allow us to gain insight into the choices that we are making and will enable us to give advice in a responsible and helpful way. When warning a friend about a person, saying they are “fake” will not be as impactful as saying that they had a scene with them in the past, and their boundaries were violated. On the flip side, saying that someone is “real” could mean just about anything. Are they real because they are experienced? Do they have formal training? Did you play with them once and enjoy it and now they are “real” to you? The next time you try to describe a fellow kinkster, think about these questions. How can you accurately describe them in a way that is helpful and perhaps a way that you wish they were described to you.

Lastly, I think it is important that we talk about the association between “fake” and inexperienced. Inexperienced does not make someone invalid as a kinkster. I am finding that using these words synonymously is causing significant emotional harm to those who are trying out this new way of life/play, particularly those who begin later in life. Not every person in this beautiful kinky world has entered it immediately into adulthood. Many find their way here at various points in their sexual development and downplaying the validity of someone’s identity by calling them “fake” is a likely way to deter them from truly reaching their potential as a kinkster.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to choose our words wisely and intentionally. Our language is powerful, and making sure that we are using our words from a place of authenticity and integrity to truly help others can allow our entire community to be a safer and more welcoming place.

Elyssa Rice is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in the Kink and Alternative Lifestyle community. She is a writer, lecturer and advocate for sexual empowerment and sexual freedom. She has a private practice in Los Angeles, CA and is dedicated to shifting the narrative about both the mental health and Kink community.

Shaping, Molding, and Growing Submissives…No Thank You!

August 23, 2020 By Ms. Rika 5 Comments

hot couple kissing, kitten mask — via stock.adobe.com

This week, I’d like to delve into a topic that came up during a discussion in FetLife.com regarding the responsibilities of a dominant in “shaping” their submissive. In this discussion, a dominant woman was having difficulty with her submissive, in that he was not obedient and behaving as she wished around her friends. She was at a loss coming up with ideas for ways to “train” him in this regard, and was asking for suggestions from others.

She actually received a bunch of advice by the time I got there, including several ways to “embarrass him public”, “cut him down to size”, and “Break Him”. In this “wisdom” I saw a common thread regarding HER responsibilities as a dominant, to mold her sub, shape him, and “help him grow as an individual”. They had all sorts of ideas for how to help him develop into a better human being and a better partner.

“What am I, his mother?”

This was all I could think. When did being a dominant become an assignment to raise a child? Since when is his commitment to me grounds for me becoming responsible for his actions? I’m not of the belief that the dominant’s role is to shape a sub. To me, the dominant’s role is to communicate expectations and to assess performance. The fact that the sub consents, implies he has free will to apply himself to meet my expectations. He needs to act on that. I adjust the sub’s efforts by making my expectations clear and providing guidance as to how they can better perform against those expectations. We are in a joint-venture; to provide the best possible service to me. This is what he wants and also what I want. We are working together, but our responsibilities are very different.

I don’t have the responsibility to create, improve, or inspire his submission

As I’ve discussed in other articles, my power dynamics with my subs are defined by what the sub can do FOR me, not around what is being done TO him. “Improving the submissive” isn’t a goal of my dynamics. “Improving the submissive’s ability to deliver”, is. I will provide feedback along with suggestions for improvement. I will enable him by providing what he needs to do the job and by eliminating obstacles to him getting it done right. But ultimately, he needs to make it happen for himself.

I never think of myself as creating or manipulating my sub’s submission. When a sub is a great sub, I didn’t make him great, he did. He deserves the credit. Yes, we work together – but my role is communicating expectation, his is execution. If execution is good, it reflects well on him.

On the flip side, when a sub doesn’t perform to a level that serves me, I look to him to fix it. Submission is a state of mind that HE needs to govern. The thought that I, as the dominant, am “inspiring” his submission implies that the quality of his submission is determined by my behavior: If he doesn’t perform, I didn’t “inspired him enough / properly”. Nonsense: I refuse to accept that responsibility. Performance is his responsibility. The onus of execution falls on him.

One of the guys giving advice suggested that she punish him with “Intense discomfort” to “Train him to become obedient and compliant”. I thought to myself, “Do I want my sub to be MOTIVATED BY AVOIDANCE of intense discomfort?” Do I even want him to be “compliant”? I don’t think I do – not either one of those. In my dynamics, the motivation for submitting – and, in this particular variation, of being obedient – needs to come from his desire to be the best submissive he can be. I don’t want him to be compliant: He isn’t doing what I want because he “has” to, he feels as though he’d be letting HIMSELF down, if he fails to submit to the best of his ability. It follows that, if he is gauging the quality of his submission on how well I feel it serves me – and how happy it makes me – and if he has an inner drive to make sure he doesn’t lower the standard of his submission – then the obedience (or however submission is defined) will be a natural consequence of that attitude. He’s not compliant, he’s actively pursuing the things I want. I don’t need him to fear consequences. I want him to find his motivation in delivering the highest level of submission he can.

When a sub is motivated by his internal desire to perform at the highest level to which he is able, you get the best from your submissive. You get more than you demand. You get a partner who is happy, proud, and fulfilled by his service to you.

The BDSM Scene vs. Reality

August 16, 2020 By PirateStan 2 Comments

latex, kitty, bdsm — via stock.adobe.com

My girl and I are pretty involved in two different groups, the BDSM scene and SF&F (science fiction & fantasy) fandom. In many ways they’re, of course, very different. Yet there’s a significant amount of overlap between the two as well as some rather key differences.

I’ve been involved in SF&F fandom (or just Fandom as we refer to it) since at least 1986, with an interest that stemmed from long before then. Meanwhile I’ve only been involved with the Scene since 2007, having come to it late in spite of a lifelong interest.

So why the difference?

Simply put, Fandom was easier to stumble across. While I’d been reading about it for years, it was only when I began to regularly frequent comic book speciality shops that I came across a flier for what turned out to be my first SF&F convention. For the first time in my life I was surrounded by people who thought and felt the way I did. It was glorious.

And there were hints of BDSM in the cracks and around the corners; periodic Gor, Orion Slave Gir, or Dejah Thoris costumes; art with the same themes or subject matter; as well as mainstream and small press novels with strong BDSM themes. There were threads to pull if you were looking for them, but it was more a dirty little secret. They may have led to the Scene, but I wasn’t yet ready to pull them.

Meanwhile, what BDSM scene existed in the late ’80s-early ’90s wasn’t very easy to locate, and I didn’t frequent the sort of places where they might advertise. It wasn’t until the Internet made it to my door in ’95 that I discovered it. Sadly, being with a vanilla partner and not really understanding what it was all about left it tantalizingly out of reach.

Fast-forward to 2007. I’m now with a decidedly kinky partner, and we discover this new-fangled site called “Fet-Life”. Suddenly I can find the local scene and, in some ways, it seemed a lot like the one I’m already very familiar with. But over time I discovered some key differences.

Fandom is filled with what is generally a sub-section of humanity, the dreamers, fantasists, visionaries, freaks, geeks, and misfits. Maybe not exclusively so, but if you were to carve out a random sampling, I’d argue that 8 out of 10 would fall neatly into one of these categories.

And here’s the thing; they’re by-and-large, generally pretty good people. While it certainly has its share of people with psychological issues, they don’t seem to be the ones who’re evil or nasty. You’ll also see more than your fair share of people on the autism spectrum, or aspy.

Meanwhile the Scene is pretty much made up of a cross-section of humanity, people good, bad, and all of the places in between. Being fannish seems to attract a specific type of person, while kink covers the spectrum.

And sure, sometimes it may seem as if the scene is full of predators, narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and other bad-and-generally-selfish people, the reality is that… well, the world is simply full of those sort of people, mixed in with the rest of us. The Scene doesn’t really attract them any more than any other general activity. I mean, think of who you’ll encounter on your average dating site!

I’ve always felt that being kinky was a broader part of our personality, not really a subset. When you meet someone, simply sharing kink isn’t really enough, almost like simply being cis, gay, bi, or trans isn’t really enough to hang a relationship on.

If you’re into NASCAR, you’ll work best with someone else who’s also into NASCAR… and is kinky. If you’re into floral arranging, you’ll work best with someone else who’s also into floral arranging… and is kinky. For me and my girl, we work best with people who’re geeky *and* kinky. It’s a narrow subset, but we’ve got each other and a few close friends. But it works for us.

As always, this has been a broad generalization based on personal experience; your mileage may vary.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community for over 12 years, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.

24/7 D/s Relationships are Like a Layer Cake

August 3, 2020 By Will Hunt 8 Comments

male dom having a conversation with his female submissive — via stock.adobe.com

24/7 D/s relationships are a lot of work. The title alone should be the give away, and I don’t mean the 24/7 or D/s part, those only come after the really tricky bit, the relationship. For some of us our sense of self is so tied up in the dynamics of relationship that we can forget which follows which.

Our dynamics are layered upon those parts of us that make up functioning human beings. We are a top, a bottom, a switch after we are a person. Those needs which are fulfilled by those dynamics are valuable. Often they can be very comforting, allowing us to choose the manner in which we engage with the people around us with clearly set terms of engagement. Within our relationships it can provide clearly defined expectations and responsibilities. However, we need the stable foundation of a relationship upon which to build.

We will all have times when we will struggle. Perhaps the urge to serve it strained, or the desire to tell someone what to do waines? For some reason that which came easily and we thought was core to our relationship, to our very sense of self, becomes difficult. It can be a source of panic as we try to diagnose the problem. Do I need to be more dominant, double down on the rules, forgive no trespass? We become so obsessed with the symptoms that we fail to diagnose the root cause of the issue.

The D/s aspect of a relationship is often the most emotionally vulnerable part of a relationship as it rests on the very top. Seen each and every day in the way we act, the way we talk, so any break in that pattern is very obvious. Often the D/s parts of us are the most extreme representations of us, the most vulnerable, the most self indulgent, the most us that we can only truly manifest when we feel safe. It can be the canary in the coal mine of troubles we aren’t even aware of.

Dig Deep

If we are finding it hard to connect in a kinky way I believe it is worth working up through the layers of the relationship, rather than backwards from the fault. If we no longer feel safe enough in the relationship to be uniquely vulnerable in the way that D/s allows us to then we need to understand what has changed.

There is a risk that if we spend all our time struggling to work out why we aren’t enjoying the rules and making up new rules, or altering existing ones, then we are not exploring why the rules have stopped being fun. Layering more plaster over a crack in a wall won’t solve the problem. We need to work out why the crack is there in the first place. Stop the root problem, then repair and plaster over the crack.

If there is a problem on the top level of the relationship, the D/s aspect, then we should explore the foundations of the relationship. By starting with the fundamentals we can test each of those things that are essential to a healthy relationship.

The underpinnings of a relationship are not D/s, they are care, affection, love and much much more. You kink compatibility may be what brought you together, but it will not be what keeps you together.

What may have brought you together is not necessarily the same thing that keeps you together. I have been fortunate enough to have had some wonderful scenes with people. Our kinks were compatible, we enjoyed our time together, but a relationship was never a prospect. Kink compatibility does not naturally lead to relationship compatibility. So why would we focus on the kink aspect first rather than that which makes up the underpinnings of the relationship if there is a problem?

If there are uncomfortable things that we need to confront about our relationship we can be prone to distraction. It is easy to mistake activity for progress.

Foundation Stone

Recently the D/s aspect of my relationship had to take a backseat in order to focus on my partners needs. She did not need a dom at that time, she needed a partner. Everything but the most basic levels of D/s had to be put on hold. She still wore her collar, had to ask permission for the same things as always, but apart from those few things our focus shifted almost exclusively to taking care of her.

My role as Top in our relationship had to shift, changing from an owner, an enforced of rules, to far more of a carer. Our relationship became almost vanilla! Gasp, shock, horror!

Fortunately she felt better after a few weeks of care and we were able to start bringing our rules back to the forefront of our relationships. Shifting back to the D/s heavy nature of our relationship. However, there was a problem. I was really struggling. I found it hard to just turn the switch back on. Everything told me I enjoyed our kink dynamic, I wanted to get back to it in full, so did she. Everything we were thinking about our shared kink told us we should be right back where we were a few weeks ago.

Our mistake was in only looking at the issue from the kink layer of the relationship. We were so fixated on getting that back to normal that we didn’t even consider that there could be an issue on another level that we were totally missing.

For a few days we struggled. We were doing all the kinky things, and just not feeling it. It felt just like we were going through the motions. A horrible thing to feel in a D/s dynamic where our joint commitment is so integral to the relationship working.

After a few days of it just not working we had a long conversation. Forcing ourselves to verbalise what we were feeling, what was frustrating us and what wasn’t working. We didn’t have to come up with a solution, we were just diagnosing the problem. Neither of us pretended something was working that wasn’t, neither of us attributed blame (after all we both wanted the same thing). What we did was work up from the fundamentals of our relationship, asking the hard questions as we went. Did we still love each other, did we still enjoy being with each other, did we still excite each other…

It is important to ask these hard questions, because it is the answers that will help us. Fortunately after the talk we were able to understand why we weren’t clicking, it was as simple as the fact that I needed to feel confident that she really was okay. I needed to feel safe enough to be myself in full with her again, and to recognise that needed to give myself a couple of days to recover from being so focused on caring for her.

The spice of life

Kink is a beautiful, thrilling, erotic addition to a relationship. In my case it is so pervasive that it could easily be mistaken as the relationship in its entirety. If I am not careful I can make that mistake myself.

While kink might bring many of us together, and even form the language of intimacy that we use to grow emotionally close, it needs to be built upon a healthy relationship. We cannot mistake activity for achievement or conversation for construction. We need to ask the hard questions, to put each other first and build our relationships on a foundation of love.

About the Author
Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.

The Male Chastity Conundrum

July 26, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

male chastity cock cage — Male chastity cock cage

There’s this thing about male chastity cages: By their nature, they work when you DON’T do anything. The whole idea of chastity cages is that you put them on your subject and, until you decide to take them off, they do not get to have sexual pleasure. It seems simple: You just have to lock it on. However, it turns out, in practice, there’s a quite a bit more to it than that.

The issue is, when he’s in that cage, his attention is on that cage at all times. Obviously, you expect him to have feelings of enduring something, suffering for you (in theory at least), and of sacrificing a very basic freedom. However, the device impacts him in many other ways besides limiting orgasms and erections. The device has weight and compression on his penis. It forces him to sit to urinate, changes the look of his clothing, often chafes a little, changes his gait, makes it different for him to clean, makes him self-conscious and aware of what’s visible to the outside world, makes it difficult for him to sit comfortably for long periods of time, and changes his sleeping habits. In short, he is physically aware of it – all day and all night.

For the dominant, you close the lock and start the rest of your day. Nothing is making you aware that he’s suffering. Nothing is changing your daily routine. You have no constant reminders. For you, nothing changes – except for the few times in the week when sex is on the table (or in the bed!).

And that’s part of the allure of the chastity fantasy: The slave suffers while the keyholder blithely goes about their day. All the freedom belongs to the keyholder; all the suffering/frustration to the locked. However, that’s just the fantasy. The reality is usually quite different.

In reality, subs want to know that they’re not alone in their dynamic. They need to feel the dominant’s intent; to feel that what is being done to them, is being done TO them – and that the dominant is the one DOING it. They don’t just want to be limited; they want to know that the dominant is deliberately limiting them.

The problem is, the sub constantly feels the “burden” of the device and is actively thinking about it at all times, but the dominant isn’t. This creates a disconnect – the threat to the sub is very real; that their submission is all in their head – and that the dominant is unaware of the extent of what the sub is going through. The sub wants the dominant to recognize the power the device has and to OPENLY LEVERAGE the helplessness that the sub feels. They want this – all the time, because they are reminded of it – all the time, and they’re thinking about it – ALL THE TIME. Since the dominant isn’t physically reminded, and isn’t being interrupted all day long, they may seem unaware of the extent of the sub’s predicament.

Many men respond to this by “sharing” how they feel, especially when not asked. They feel the need to emphasize and highlight their frustration – both verbally and physically. They overtly show the desperation that they’re feeling – and sometimes act in “over-the-top slavish fashion”, in an attempt to demonstrate the “benefits” to the dominant of keeping them in chastity. They attempt to encourage the dominant to show recognition of their plight by acting on that advantage, and to do things like tease the sub to “make the frustration worse”. They need the dominant to demonstrate how much they enjoy his suffering and captivity.

Sometimes (and unfortunately, often), they will even act up in an attempt to have the dominant react by punishing them, usually hoping that the dominant will use the device to increase their frustration (e.g., a punishment of another week in chastity!) Worse, if the dominant doesn’t react, subs often gets angry or melancholy, and in particularly bad situations, openly challenge the dominant’s abilities.

The end result of all of this demand, is pressure on the dominant: Pressure to play the game; to give the sub what he perceives he should be receiving; to try to think about what the submissive is feeling as often as he is thinking about it. As I explained above, there is no natural driver for the keyholder to be as aware of the device as the wearer, so trying to be equally focused is simply not a realistic expectation. Trying to keep the sub’s condition in the front of your mind is a tall-order for someone who is supposedly the object of the submission and a lot of burden for the partner who is supposedly being served. Worse, when that pressure builds up on a dominant, no matter how confident they are, it’s too easy to interpret it as a lapse of their own abilities. All of which serves to undermine the integrity of the dynamic.

I find that it helps to be aware of the disconnect and the way it presents. I find that knowing about the dichotomy of focus that chastity brings to the partnership, helps dominants to readily recognize the pressure their submissive is putting on them – so that they can deal with it in a more confident manner.

Once you’ve recognized the pressure for what it is, you can decide how you want to react to it. When it happens to me (and it does for things, not only chastity related), the first thing I do is a little introspection to try to determine if the sub is just being needy, or if I actually have been a little distracted.

If he’s being needy or just over-focused on the device, I generally tell him so, and tell him to get it under control. There is no “…or else” clause in this statement, because punishing him in response to neediness will reward manipulative behavior. Rather, I just insist on his adjustment. If he fails to do so, I’ll likely take him out of the device indefinitely. I’m not going to play the game if he’s not going to provide the self-discipline I demand. He will usually respond well, as he also understands the disconnect and knows by the other things I do (see CERAF in my books), that I am active and committed to our dynamic.

On the other hand, if I feel that I may have been depriving him a bit of recognition, or have been neglecting him a bit, then perhaps a few “simple gifts” (read “Uniquely Rika” and “Uniquely Us” for a deeper discussion of simple gifts!) are in order, just to let him know I’m actively involved in the dynamic – and that I have put him in chastity for my own reasons.

While controlling a sub’s orgasm is a common desire of dominants, the use of a device to do so is more often the sub’s desire. For many of the reasons above, using physical devices to force a sub to be chaste – is a fantasy more enjoyed by the wearer – and may be more of a burden for the keyholder. In many dynamics, including mine, putting a submissive into a chastity device is either a treat of sorts, or a shared symbolic gesture. It doesn’t define submission – or create it – but rather, is one of many ways to formalize a concept. I make my opinion well known to my subs: When the symbol becomes more important to the sub than the submission, it’s time to do away with the symbol! I’m willing to be aware of the disconnect, but I’m not willing to give up MY freedom for it.

How To Grow A Bonsai Human

July 5, 2020 By Will Hunt 4 Comments

bonsai woman submissive in glass cage — via stock.adobe.com

One of the hottest things about being a top in a D/s dynamic is the moulding, shaping and training of another person in line with your will. Some young tops might come to a D/s relationship with an idea already in place of a perfect sub, a delicate pet who will never answer back, a slut who shall live to satisfy, or perhaps a submissive maid to follow all orders without hesitation. The young top has created an idea of what they think they want. This idea is more often informed by a diet of fantasy than the reality of each person being a fully formed individual with needs and wants of their own.

We need to approach prospective partners with an open mind. We need to see them for who they are as well as who they could be, not what we want to pretend they are or could be.

You have to be honest with yourself about what you need in a submissive partner. That self exploration of need has to take place before you start expecting anyone to live up to what you have imagined. We must know the difference between what we need from a partner, what we want in a relationship and what is pure fantasy. Need is that which we must have to be satisfied in a relationship, want is that which makes a relationship fun and fantasy are those things that we can indulge in at times.

The art and philosophy of Bonsai

In a D/s relationship we don’t have to find a 100% perfect fit (in fact I don’t think you could find that in any relationship), because we have the option of training a person. However, there is only so far out of someone’s normal course that you can take a person without risking breaking them. Think of it like shaping a branch on a bonsai tree, the bend must happen slowly along its length, wired into place and then allowed to grow into the shape. Trying to twist a branch 120 degrees at the trunk will only damage the branch, and maybe even cause it to snap. Patience is a must! Find a person who is at least parallel enough to your desires that you can tend them, grow them into your shape and know that it is a shape they will enjoy. If someone’s desire is to be in a DLG relationship, but you want someone who will be kept like a pet then you have a sharp divergence at the very beginning of the relationship. Perhaps over time the two of you will be able to grow together, but it is going to take a lot of time, communication and trust.

Once a D/s relationship has begun to grow we have to tend it, to help it take the shape we have planned for it. The thing to always remember is that the two of you are on the same team. The top might be setting the destination and driving the car, but you are both on the journey and want to get to the destination together.

Trust is about more than just your submissive partner trusting you to have their best interests at heart. It is the trust that you will keep your word, that they will receive the reward or punishment you say. That you won’t forget their limit, or fantasy. Sometimes it is the trust that the top is doing something because they genuinely enjoy it. There is no need to ask me if it was good for me, I wouldn’t be doing it if it wasn’t.

Pen to paper

There is a great deal of information to remember, and a great deal of value in the small things, especially at the beginning of a relationship. One of my top tips is to keep notes. I still do to this day, I call it my dossier. Often it will start with a yes/no/maybe list, followed by a record of any comments or experiences I believe might be of value. No one has a perfect memory so write things down, review them later. Do not be afraid of asking direct questions, ask them about their fantasies. Things they have always wanted to do but have never done. What you are looking for here is commonality of interest. Do they look for the release of not being responsible, do they have guilt over their desires and want to be forced to do something they will enjoy? All of this information will build up into an invaluable record for you.

My partner knows that I keep a written record, she finds it both comforting and concerning. Comforting because it is such a clear indication of the care I take and the seriousness with which I treat the growth of our relationship. Concerning because she knows I won’t ever forget anything, good or bad.

Don’t say it, do it!

If you say you will do something, as a reward, or consequence, they must believe it and you must mean it. If you fail to follow through then you are simply proving that you are a fantasist. Your threats cannot be believed, your promises are undelivered, everything you say is called into doubt.

In the early stages it is extremely important that you prove that you mean what you say. Make sure to carry through on threats as much as you will fulfil fantasies that they never thought they would have fulfilled. If you threaten to pull over and make them walk home then be prepared to do it.

The difference between punishment and play must be clear at all times. Punishments are very straight forward 100 blows for any infraction that I judge worthy of a punishment. She must also recognise and accept the punishment and the reason for it.

If you are playing then make sure they know it is because you are enjoying it. I will often remind my partner that I am hitting her because I enjoy it, she isn’t bad and she doesn’t deserve it. I can own my sadism, I don’t need to pretend it is my partner’s responsibility.

If you are declaring that you can provide the solid foundation for someone else to build upon then you must be that solid foundation, in all ways. We must know ourselves and be entirely true in our will. Any doubts in our mind, or theirs, will echo over and over.

We have ways of making you talk

Communication, communication and more communication. The Top must create the safe space for communication, but in return the bottom must be communicative. We are willing to take on all the responsibility for their care and development but we need as accurate information as possible from them in return. In a D/s dynamic we are both vulnerable in deeply personal ways. We ask our partners to trust us, and we must trust them in return.

We need them to tell us they like something, to be brave enough to admit a desire or dislike. All we need is that pure data once, and after that we can be the brute who forces them, the pervert who makes them bow to our desires. That is why we must trust them, to tell us the truth so we can take the power from them safely.

Her obligation is to me, and only in exceptional circumstances to others. I do not wish to degrade that which attracted me to her in the first place. I would never want to break someone. Build them, grow them, shape them, yes, but break them, degrade them, hurt them, no.

I find it deeply erotic to have control over another person but that means I want someone who gives up that control to me, reveals their darkest fantasies, shares their vulnerabilities. I want her wild and full of confidence, but with the click of my fingers I want her to obey. I want an obedient pet, not a broken victim.

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