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Article - Kink Weekly

The Tao of Being A Slave

June 17, 2021 By TAC Leave a Comment

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via stock.adobe.com

Tao means a road, path, way; and also, the way in which one does something; method, doctrine, and principle. It speaks to ourselves, the path on which we walk, and how we walk it. 

No two slave’s journeys are the same. However most have milestones along the road. Points in time which become defining to our existence. 

This series of short vignettes is meant to describe these turning points from a Master’s perspective. In the moment and outlining what the crux of each milestone might be.

So You Want to Serve…..

You may believe in your heart of hearts you are committed. We’ll see if that changes in two days, two weeks, two months……. two years from now.

It is not enough to willingly place your head in the harness. To go about your daily tasks without question. You will learn the difference between serving and being In Service To.

Once the later becomes clear to you, then and only then will you be able to make an informed decision. To say without reserve, “I stay with a willing heart.”

To be slave, is to be all and nothing. So encompassed in the art of service the person and the act become indistinguishable. The acts, each one, are their new fingerprint. Exactly how a sugar bowl is placed on a tea tray. The care shown in the details when laying out their Master’s clothing. Finding fulfillment, in the seemingly mundane.

Most cannot allow their “vessel” to become empty enough making room for the thousands of details.

Those who know, understand the collar is a symbol to show those who do not understand a glimpse of what could be, the only allowance of overt pride, and a promise said two ways. Those who truly want to become, may never notice your collar, only how brightly your flame outshines all around you.

Other….. More…… Slave

(We do not always really want what we wish for. Often, we do not understand what it is we are getting ourselves into. Until we do. Starting a journey, we are wide eyed. Sometime later though, we begin to face other thoughts.)

If You Stay…..

I can promise you this-

I will always keep your best interest in mind.

You will not always agree with me on how I go about that. In fact there may be times you are frustrated and angry with me. 

If You Stay….

I cannot guarantee a month or a year from now you will be satisfied. That is a mystery for you to solve. I can only lay the path. How you perceive it, I have no control over.

If You Stay….

The work will be hard, mentally and physically. Sometimes monotonous. The point of each exercise will not always be obvious. But that is often the point of it. For you to find it.

If You Stay….

You may find eventually that this is not for you or that I am not the right One for you. That does not equate to wasted time, just time you spent preparing for the One who is for you.

If…. You….. Stay…..

We will be able to look back and find many moments which made it all worth the effort. Places in time where epiphanies happened, joy was found, and sorrows overcome.

The road you are choosing is a rocky one not because I have put boulders in the path, but because we all have ourselves to master, a self-perception which weighs us down, and a history which can haunt us.

Being free of those chains is what I have to offer.

If You Stay

(There is a gut check sometime early in every great endeavor. A moment when we realize that what we face may be bigger than we are prepared for. That success, no matter how hard we work for it, is not guaranteed. It is at that point we must make a decision, a leap of faith, with the understanding that what we learn from it, regardless of outcome is worth it. If we are willing to take the risk.)

This is not training……

Training is such an oversimplification of what you will experience. I can train a dog to fetch. I can train a person to write. You will be led to think and process differently.

I will challenge your self-perception, your perception of others, and your perception of the world around you. Not to make you a doll, but to help you be more resilient, powerful, the calm at the center of the storm.

You will learn to maintain a singular focus in spite of the chaos around you. A mindful razor-sharp clarity that allows you to see what may have been hidden from you before.

Not erasing you, or replacing you, but building a fortress around you. So the slings and arrows of life are much less concerning. Outwardly a blade of grass swaying in the wind. Inwardly a mountain of granite. Immeasurable. Immovable. Timeless.

You will always have a choice. Comply or do not comply. Each has its consequence. Good and bad. You will be measured by your choices, not just your deeds. Strive to choose wisely at every turn.

To do this you must become a scholar of yourself, of those around you, and of those that came before both of us. Setting conventional expectation aside in favor of writing a new book.

Be thoughtful, critical, and ethical. Logic alone will not serve you well. Let your intellect temper your heart’s lead. Calculated risk vs. wild abandon.

I do not seek to train you.

I seek the best version of you, and through you the best version of me.

(Becoming a better person, a better version of ourselves, is not about the physical. It is mental. A change in the way we view ourselves and how we fit into the world around us. A shift in self perception which allows us to appreciate ourselves more and rely on the praise of others less. Freeing us to be our best.)

Now You Know…..

Three months since you have come into my fold…… now you know it is not all fun and games. Good times yes, but also stressful ones. The time you have spent looking inward far outweighs all else.

What have you learned?

Did you just bow your head, grit your teeth, and power through it? If so then you have learned nothing other than you can survive.

I want you to thrive! The only way to do that is to fully embrace what you have chosen. Immerse yourself in it. Leave nothing on the field at the end of each day.

If your plan is to survive the next three months, leave now, this is not for you and I have nothing to teach you.

If you want to thrive, open yourself up to the possibility that you are enough. It’s just a matter of unlocking the right doors. 

There will be many nights you will go to bed doubting yourself. Resist doing so. Set that doubt aside and review your goals. Self-doubt allows for the possibility of overall failure. Focus your mind on success. 

You will have small failures along the way. This does not mean you have failed but been provided the opportunity to become better. Do not pass them by.

Three months in…. is just barely scratching the surface.

Consider this before deciding to stay or go for the next three…..

Anyone can survive….. it takes courage to thrive.

(When we keep our heads down and keep digging, we fail to see the mountain we build in our own path. We have not confronted our own failings and misgivings as each one pops up but consolidated them together. Creating a much more difficult barrier to overcome. Thriving means not just doing well but living well. Part of that is confronting difficult issues as they arise, not putting them off for another day.)

It’s OK to Smile…….

I saw you standing next to the counter. Watching you prepare the tray. Carefully arranging everything and looking at it from one side then another. 

Then something happened. The corner of your lips slowly moved upward with a nod of your head. A hundred or more times you have set that tray to have me send it back or correct something. This time you looked sure of yourself.

When you brought the tray setting it carefully on the table next to my chair you waited as you always do. However, this time, I could feel the tension in your muscles coiling, in anticipation of my glance toward it. 

Lowering my book slightly I quickly surveyed the lacquered wood and its contents stating it was, “good.” The relief emanated from you in waves.

“Tomorrow, add toast. Lightly done. One slice, wheat. Buttered on one side. Not soggy. One teaspoon of strawberry jam in the center.” I instructed to you as I looked over the edge of my glasses. 

The mixture of success of coffee service and dread apparent from the addition to the task showed on you even though your expression never changed. “Thank you, Sir. Yes Sir.”

“It’s OK to smile,” I mentioned. “You did well, the tray is correct. Your reward is you get to add toast to the service. Which I do enjoy.”

It is OK to smile, to feel pride at something done well. Each time you succeed, something more will be given to you. Another detail in which you can find pride and success. 

If I did not think you worthy or capable, I would not have added the toast.

Smile…….

(We have all had one thing in our lives that no matter how hard we tried, we could never seem to get it right. We banged our head against the wall for what seemed like an eternity. Then one day, something just changed. We shifted how we thought about the problem and the solution became clear. It is in these moments we learn the most about ourselves. That we are capable. This is not the time to rest on our success but to reach for the next goal. Seize the momentum and let it carry us forward.)

Introductions……

You have earned this night. 

Tonight, you will be introduced to many people you already know. Yet, as something more than what they have known you to be. The beginning of a new evolution. No longer just, “her,” or a slave in training. But as slave. 

Tonight, you will get to show all those around you just how much you have learned both in service and on the post. 

After tonight, they will look at you differently. Speak to you differently. Know you differently. 

Debutantes attend balls to be shown to society and given the chance for others to see how well heeled they are. Similarly, you will have the chance to show the community what a good student you have been. Etiquette, personal presentation, service, and poise. All will be watching to see if I have done my part well. 

Tonight, you represent me, as well as yourself. All that we have accomplished together over the last year comes together tonight. At one dinner. In service to this House, and to me. 

You have this in you, you always have. Trust in yourself. 

After tonight, you will see yourself differently. For good or ill it will change your impression of yourself. Take from it the positive you gain. It is a challenge, one not easily met for the first time, but not impossible.

Do well, earn your chair.

(There are very few seminal events in our lives. Moments which forever influence our view of our world and change our actions as a result of it. When they do happen, the lessons we take from them are entirely up to us. Even in abject failure we can find motivation to improve and move forward. Some fold in adversity and leave behind that which they strived for. Other succeed in the moment, only to stall out. Hanging their hat on one moment as the pinnacle to never achieve anything greater. In everything there is a choice. The trick is to choose wisely.)

Remember Where You Came From…..

Soon you will be making a choice regarding your place in this House. Before you do, you need to remember what came before this place.

Take two weeks, hell, take a month. Go visit family and friends. Inspect old haunts and relive some of who you were before you met me.

Not to say goodbye, but to remember. To feel what it was like before slave. Before Service. 

When you first came here, I presented you a choice to stay or go. That choice has always been on the table. Everyday like a giant wide open barn door to the rest of the world. All you had to do was step through it. Yet you stayed, no matter how hard it became.

This time it is not a choice. You must go, for a time.

Reconnect with people you may have lost touch with. Live normal things. Some of it will feel very strange to you. Some people, even though lifelong friends, may make you uncomfortable.

Answer their questions. Fully and honestly. You can say anything you like, including about me.

Do not be angry or frustrated with them if they do not understand. How could they? I said in the beginning I would lead you to view yourself, others, and the world around you differently. So you do. But they, do not.

This is not to say goodbye to those you love or the life you have lived. It is to remember, so you can make the right choice for yourself. That cannot be done here under my, and others, watchful eyes. It must be done, on your own.

When you return, I will ask you one last time.

In the meantime……remember.

(To know where we are, we have to know where we came from. Memories fade. Sometimes this is good, sometimes bad. In either case refreshing those memories helps us appreciate the progress we have made in our lives. Helps us look at the triumphs and failures more clearly so we can plot the path we have walked with clarity. How can we know the next step is right for us, if we do not understand the steps we have taken?)

Turning Point……

Tomorrow is the day. Tonight, we eat, laugh, and play! 

Tomorrow you will stand before the house and recite what is required. What you know to be true.

Tomorrow you will state your desire in response to a question you have been asked many times.

“Stay or go?”

There is no right or wrong answer, only what you will. What you feel is right in your heart and best for you.

Do not be tempted to tell me now. I can see the want furling in your brow. Keep your council for the morning.

Whichever you choose, I am proud of you. You have worked hard, learned much, and been willing to grow. Grow you have. From a shy unsure wall flower into the center of a hurricane. Calm. Surrounded by a current so strong your movement ensures the attention of all around you. 

Whatever you do, I can only believe you will find success. You have learned that to try invites failure, but that failure is not the end. Only another chance to prevail. You have found an inner strength which allows you to stand in the middle of chaos and be confident you will find a way.

Wherever you go, rest easy knowing you have friends who will understand your heart. They may not always be easy to find, but they are there if you are willing to look for them. Others with an uncommon will and drive; compassion and loyalty; strength and passion for life and those they surround themselves with.

Enough of an old man’s sappy musings. Food and friends await.

Tomorrow is your day.

Tagged With: bdsm, fetish, kink, master, mistress, power exchange, service slave, slave

Most Common Fetish Requests – Cam Models Experience

June 9, 2021 By Dee Dea 2 Comments

sexy feet in fishnets
via stock.adobe.com

You’d be surprised at how many cam girls aren’t in it for the money. A lot of them actually appreciate the fact that people open up to them, and some of their viewers can talk to them about pretty much anything. That being said, some of the most popular webcam girls confirm they get a lot of the common and sometimes weird fetish requests.

People don’t really admit to their kinks and fetishes often, usually because of a fear of being judged, but being anonymous on the web does help them open up. Have you ever thought about revealing your kinks to a random stranger who has very likely heard of them, and maybe experienced them and knows what they’re like? Well, a lot of the viewers do exactly that, which is why we’re looking at some of the most common fetish requests, straight out of the cam girls’ mouth.

BDSM

This is arguably one of the most popular kinks out there, and yes, BDSM is definitely popular in the camming world, too. You’re looking at a power exchange which is extremely sexual, between the viewer and the model, and that gets a lot of people’s sex drive going. This is why you’ll come across a huge number of cam girls that focus on BDSM streams to keep their viewers happy.

Copyright: Unsplash | CC0 Public Domain

But it’s not just the number of cam girls that focus on BDSM, it’s the variety and quality, too. There are Dominatrixes that will keep you in check and make sure you’re obedient, for example, and you’ll be surprised at how good of a job they do, even though they’re not technically next to you. Cuckolding, ballbusting, nipple torture – you name it, they’ll be happy to do it for you.

Feet

Some people look at it as a joke, but for others, it’s incredibly serious. It’s another one of the world’s most popular kinks, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that it’s on this list. When it comes to feet fetishes, viewers tend to enjoy a lot of different things. Some get turned on by toenails, others are keen on the soles, but they want cam girls to do quite a lot for them. And they usually get their wishes to come true – many cam girls love it, too. Of course, you’ll need to tip handsomely for that to happen, but if that’s your thing, you shouldn’t mind spending a few bucks.

Tights and Stockings

When it comes to clothing, stockings and tights are the top choice. For many viewers the model doesn’t even have to put on anything special – a regular pair of stockings goes a long way. However, cam models that want to go the extra mile will go for something like silk or lace stockings, or maybe even fishnets – they’ve been a kink for a while now. And there’s another reason why cam girls love them, they’re easy to put on or off, and a tip will get you a long way towards getting what you want. While arguably less popular, tights are a popular request, too.

If you’re an aspiring cam model, many seasoned ladies recommend that you also add a matching pair of panties and suspenders when you’re going for stockings. This takes people to a whole other level of crazy, and if done with the right audience, can lead to you making a hefty amount in tips.

Copyright: Unsplash | CC0 Public Domain

PVC, Rubber and Leather

These three are fairly different from one another, but they do have a thing in common – they’re all very, very tight, and have a mesmerizing effect on viewers. PVC and rubber are the slightly less popular option, because they come with a smell that people adore, but can’t really feel through the webcam. However, leather is a very, very in-demand thing, which is why a lot of models have a whole dresser of leather things like trousers, coats and jackets, and a tip will very likely make them open up that dresser and put something on.

The problem with these clothing items are that they’re very difficult to put on and off, so if you’re not in the mood for a tip, you could look up some of the cam girls that focus specifically on these kinks and fetishes – they’ll drive you crazy before you know it.  


Lead by untamable lust for pleasure I indulge in sex and different types of adult work. I am a former stripper and occasional cam model. When I don’t engage I write about my experience and hot stories. Life is short so I plan on staying wild for a little while!

Tagged With: cam girl, sex toys, Sex Work Community, sex worker rights, sex workers, sexual expression, sexual fantasy, sexual freedom, sexual safety, sexuality

Do We Have Community Any More?

June 4, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

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via stock.adobe.com

What is a community? We talk about it incessantly in Lifestyle blogs and posts on Fetlife. Yet I do not think many have an appreciation for what a community really is, or can be. For some of you the following paragraphs are going to sound like a rant, for others high fives will be in order. To both groups, I say this, that in and of itself is a problem.

A group of people living in the same space or having particular characteristics in common. Sounds simple. Yet in the past several years I have seen a devolution away from similar characteristics into a pool of all inclusive hodgepodge which leaves kink, BDSM, and the Lifestyle all but unidentifiable. So, I ask, “Do we have a community?”

If we have a community, we have to be able to identify what those common characteristics are. Can we? Other than we are all interested in Kink, can we name one thing which makes us united?

The Result of Making Everyone “In” Rather Than Shepherding Them In

In the effort to make kink and BDSM, as a whole, a place where anybody can belong, I think we have lost some of our identity. It has become so watered down that nothing really means anything anymore. For example, a Master used to mean the lead, head of the dynamic or household in a M/s relationship and (in general) a person who had attained mastery in the eyes of their peers. Now, all it means is someone decided to adopt the title in accordance with their self-view.

Yet we are ok with this. With the allowance of the self-appointed. Why? Now it holds no weight, no meaning, and therefore has no identity. A lost commonality among hundreds.

Similarly, to be a slave was earned. It took effort and commitment. To me slaves, the ones who really dedicated themselves, were the Special Forces of the kink world. An uncommon character with no quit in them. Men and women who could focus a sole devotion so strong it was near unbelievable. Now, I have dozens in my inbox claiming to be slaves, wanting to call me “Master” without even having had a decent conversation, let alone meeting in person.

A dominant used to imply a dedication to a submissive with responsibility. Now to hear people talk, if they slapped an ass and gave somebody a rough fuck, they are a Dom/me. To me, that is barely being a Top. Barely.

Where is the commonality in something where nothing means anything? Yet this is what we have strived for! A bowl of clear jello, tasteless, lacking fruit, which can be named whatever the observer desires. We, as a society asked for this.

Don’t Get Me Wrong

I see value in inclusion. I see value in having a widely diverse population participating in kink. What I struggle with is the near complete lack of identity. Someone title stacking in an effort to provide someone else a better idea of who they are, does the exact opposite of the intention. A princess little dragonslayer Mistress tells me nothing other than they are potentially confused. Maybe a switch? Based on the titles they provided, how am I to interact with this person in a high protocol event? In general? It leaves me absolutely baffled at times. I am happy they are interested in kink, and came to the club, but I would not even know where to begin regarding introducing them to others.

Some of You May Think I am Just Whining

And maybe I am to a certain extent. However, I do believe that to make headway regarding our sexual rights within the US and other countries we have to be able to define who and what we are so a layman can have a tacit understanding. In this we are failing miserably.

How I am to sit across from a lawmaker and explain basic tenets and structures and why kink is a good thing, when there are a thousand articles alluding to the Burger King attitude of having it your own way combined with a lawless wild west ethic. All I am left with at that point is personal experience, which is not even going to move the needle.

It is frustrating and why we lose so badly in courts consistently. We cannot begin to define ourselves, let alone provide adequate explanation to anyone else.

A Return to Core Values

Again, my opinion. If we are ever going to turn a corner and begin gaining wider acceptance of what it is that we do, we need to be pushing, mentoring, teaching, and reinforcing core values. All else set aside, these are what are going to bind our community together. Give us a united voice, and the ability to lobby on our own behalf.

Honesty and Truth

Trust and Empathy

Loyalty and Commitment

Consent and Safety

Power Exchange balanced by Personal Responsibility/Accountability

How many of you reading this had a mentor sit you down and walk through these values with you? I would venture a guess the number is low. You can be a Vampire Master of Okra middle Sploshist which would confuse many. But if I knew you had these core values at the heart of it, I could go to bat for you, because I know at the core, where you are coming from.

If nothing else means anything, let’s make these the center of it all. Then, we may be able to gain traction, encourage others, and reach the minds of our detractors in a way where we are less demonized for simply being ourselves.

Just an Old Guy with Old Notions

So what if I am? Core values are meant to stand the test of time, not be subject to popular opinion. To be a foundation on which we can all stand and use to catapult ourselves to greater heights. Why wouldn’t we want this? Why would we place the importance of, “inclusion,” above the strength of unity. We can be both, absolutely. To get there, we all have to subscribe to something common.

A core, for our community. 


TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to several online educational groups such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; and the Virtual Munch. His writing includes information on self-improvement, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics and power exchange, and safety. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for nearly three decades. He can be found on Fetlife at TAC_1.

Tagged With: bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, fetish community, Kink Community

Rebuilding After Trauma

May 27, 2021 By Joji Sada 3 Comments

Shibari male submissive bound
via stock.adobe.com

There are many commonalities in the kink community.  As hard as it is to admit, many of us have a history of trauma.  Though the causes vary, they impact our interactions in BDSM heavily.  So we are going to explore what you can do if you need to renegotiate or build a scene after recent trauma. 

Trauma is defined as “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.”  

This is a broad definition.  We often equate trauma to incidents that result in physical injuries or abuse.  But trauma can be anything.  Trauma can happen as a result of a death in the family, stress from work or family, near death experiences, abuse, accidents, and mental health imbalances.  This is, by no means, a comprehensive list.

For example, due to repeated deaths in my family in a short period of time, and a couple of traumatic experiences from when I was a teenager, I deal with the effects of PTSD.  My brain just sort of short circuits at times.  On an average day, it does not affect me much because I have learned to cope with it.  However, when I delve into play, the closer I get to sub space, the less control I have in my head.  Sometimes, that means disassociation.  Sometimes it is moments of extreme panic or fear.  

Outside of play, and regardless of the control you have over your mental health, your trauma does influence all aspects of your life. It can change the route you take home from work or where you work.  It can change how you sleep or whether the light stays on at night.  It can affect how you talk and who you talk to.

In kink, and often as a result of trauma, many suffer the effects of PTSD, severe depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, fear of men/women, nightmares/ Night terrors, and more.  Some people lose their sense of self and their independence.  

Some seek help.  Some don’t.  Some find relief in a bottle and some in pills.  Some never sleep and some only sleep.  Some learn to cope, and some don’t.  Some move on and some don’t.  Some give up and some don’t.   

It is an individual experience and recovery.

As mentioned previously, you don’t need to look hard to find a lot of trauma survivors in BDSM and Kink.  We all have our own reasons for delving into kink and dealing with our mental health.

Some use kink to reclaim their independence.  It allows them to reclaim the moments they felt helpless and take back control.  Some use kink for coping.  

And, for some, they attempt to keep their trauma and their kink separate.

I do not personally believe the last statement is possible.  Even the most careful of individuals can be triggered unintentionally.  Because of this, it is important to figure out how to renegotiate and build a scene after trauma, to meet the needs of both yourself and your partner(s).

The steps below are built on the premise that you were involved in kink prior to the traumatic event.


Step 1: Be honest (to yourself and your partner) about your mental and physical state.

As much as we would love to pretend the trauma has never happened, it did.  You and your partner need to accept that.  You also need to clearly state your current needs.  Do not allow yourself or your partner to assume that your wants, needs, and desires are the same as they were prior to the traumatic event.

Step 2: Negotiate with what you can do, not what you can’t

Feeling powerless is common with trauma.  You may find yourself hesitant or even fearful of things you consider to be “simple.”  There is no shame in doing what is best for you.  If you cannot handle hugs any longer, or need someone to ask ahead of doing so, be clear in those expectations.  Because there may be so many more things that you cannot do/have done as before, it is important to not lose yourself in what you “cannot do.”  Instead of negotiating with your partner about what is off-limits, change the parameters.  

“I would like you to do X, but I need you to keep eye contact with me.”

“I would like to feel your weight on me, but without restraint.”

“I need you to use my name when you talk to me.  Please speak clearly so I know it is you.”

“I need skin to skin contact and I need you to stay above the waist.”

“I want to be flogged with my shirt on.”

Any of these options are considered green behaviors for this individual.  It states what you wish to do and how it needs to be done to minimize triggering.

Step 3:  Watch for frenzy.  It can happen after long bouts of inactivity, not just to people new to the lifestyle.

Sometimes we remove ourselves from kink all together when trauma occurs.  When we feel strong enough to get back into the scene, it is easy to lose yourself into frenzy.  The feelings that you had thought forgotten come rushing back, and with it, so does the desire to get back into everything.  

Watching for frenzy also means watching for extreme drop.  We, as people, like to believe that we will always be able to do everything at the level we currently do it.  Maybe, prior to your break, you could take an hour long beating with a cane.  Most likely, after that break, you will not be able to. To play safely, it is better to start as though you are new and gauge your tolerance from there.  But it can be a blow to both your ego and your self-esteem to “feel less than” we once were.  Tolerance can be relearned.  Pushing too fast, though, can reignite the trauma responses that required the break in the first place.

Step 4: If needed, write down the negotiation.  This way you can review it and revisit it before play, if needed.

I am not suggesting a contract.  I am suggesting more of a journaling exercise.  Write down where you want to start, your goals, and your reactions to things as they occur.

This includes determining who will be involved in the scene, participating or watching?  What will happen?  What is your safeword?  What are the boundaries?  Are the scene boundaries different than your everyday ones?  Do you have a panic option if your safeword becomes unuseable?


What happens though if the trauma happens during kink?  Or if it happens with your current partner?  Does that change how we renegotiate or build a scene?

In my mind, it does.

Trust is paramount in a dynamic.  When that trust wavers, it can make kink so much more dangerous.  For example, you can lose the comfort and confidence needed to safeword.  As much as most Dominants seem like mind-readers, they are not.  They need to know their partner will 22speak up when necessary, to prevent hurting the submissive.

Below, I have an altered set of steps to help guide the reestablishment of boundaries and the renegotiation of terms in an existing dynamic.


Step 1: Make sure you are both emotionally recovered enough to discuss logically.

Was the trauma caused by yourself?  Your partner?  Did it happen during a scene?  Was the trauma an accident, miscommunication, or malicious?  Is it unrelated?

These are important questions to ask yourself.  Trauma that is unrelated may be easier to navigate with a partner than something caused by them.  The same goes for the intention behind what happened.

Accidents and miscommunication happen in scenes.  My first scene with Master was at a public party as pick-up play.  I thought we had negotiated a flogging. Turns out, he was under the impression we negotiated an impact scene that involved floggers.  In this instance, it turned out to be a beneficial miscommunication.  

Later on, in our relationship, we did impact play at a party and a couple hours later we tried fire play.  Turns out, even a light flogging (one that doesn’t leave marks) can weaken the skin enough that fire play can burn (when it otherwise would not).  Technically, I was injured because my skin was burned.  It was a small crescent shaped mark and for me, was a plausible outcome to the risky stuff we engage in.  In this example, neither instance impacted my trust in Master.  But, I have seen similar instances that have traumatized submissives and made them very skittish.

Step 2: Read through the current rules, together, and discuss their meaning.

When we first begin in kink, there are often a set of rules that we put in place to set the boundaries of our dynamics.  Over time, those can change or evolve.

Due to personal issues with food in my past, one of my rules is that I must eat 3 times a day (or six tiny meals to help with my diabetes).  When my dad died last year, I couldn’t bring myself to eat through my grief.  But I had to, because it was a rule.  I essentially made myself extremely sick.  So, I had to reach out to Master and ask for an amendment.  The rule adjusted to eating 2 times per day and I could use a meal replacement shake if needed.

We were not discarding everything that we had set forth, but we were adjusting them as needed to make sure I was ok.

Step 3: Recognize if any of the current rules contributed to the trauma.

**The rules I use as an example below are just rules that I have had mentioned to me by other submissives that have encountered issues.  I have a personal belief that as long as rules are consensual, then they can be anything the Dominant and the submissive wish**

Some rules can add to the negative headspace left by trauma.  For example, some dynamics have a rule that issues will be discussed once a month during a free chat.  This could lead a submissive to believe they cannot speak up when needed.  

Another example is a rule that does not allow safewording during a punishment.  Is this something that foster’s fear in the submissive?  Can this lead to triggering during a punishment without recourse to remove themself from the situation?

Step 4: Remove or adjust any rule that has impacted either the D-type or s-type’s state of mind.

Step 5: Keep the number of rules manageable.  Trauma impacts the mental and physical states.  If you are still recovering, having too many rules can make you feel like a failure and having too few can maximize your feelings of not being wanted or useful.

Step 6: Make a plan to maintain the healthy mindset.  Whether this is through therapy, medication, maintenance discipline, etc.  Recovering from trauma is fluid.  It does not just stop and get cured.


Ultimately, you are stronger than your trauma.  No one will know your reactions better than you.  There is no right or wrong answer in your decisions, kink related or not.  Your kink goes at the speed that you determine is best.  Never let anyone try to force you to change.

Lastly, as cruel as it sounds, your trauma is your trauma.  Just as you have the right to play at your discretion and pace, others have the right to choose not to play with you.  This is not a reflection on either person’s character.  Some people are not willing or able to deal with the aftereffects of trauma.  This is their right.

When you vet a new partner, or renegotiate with an old partner, Be honest, clear in your expectations, and open about your mental health.


My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Tagged With: aftercare, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm safety, bdsm scene, fetish, fetish community, kink, Kink Community, mental health, negotiation, safety, safety consent, safeword, sexual fantasy, trauma, triggers

The Joy Of Anal

May 20, 2021 By SafferMaster 5 Comments

sexy Domme with whip
via stock.adobe.com

We just completed a month of kinky fun. “Anal April” was our challenge to only have anal sex for a  month. In truth, it was a bit more than that. My slut was actually in “pussy chastity”. Not an actual  chastity device mind you, but an imposed mental chastity. As my obedient slut, she would adhere to “no  touching except to clean yourself” for the month of April. At first, we agreed on the idea as a dare. I  dared her and she said, “bring it on”. Now, to give you context, you must understand that as kinksters,  we have a sex forward and kink forward dynamic and we have kinky sexual scenes just about every day.  So, my slut has the experience of being my daily and well-used “3-hole whore”. She is accustomed to  being used hard every day where she experiences multiple vaginal and anal orgasms.  

When I first met my now collared slut, she told me that she was not fond of anal sex. She had good  reason. She shared that during her marriage, her ex-husband has abused her ass. He had done things  like forcefully using oversized dildos on her without lube – a real no-no – resulting in dangerous anal  tearing that left her in pain and legitimately weary of repeating the error. She was left feeling that in the  world of anal sex, it was “better to give than receive”.  

Before she put herself forward to be claimed by me, I had made it clear to her that intention was for her  to be my personal “3-hole slut”, and I also shared that because “I don’t break my toys”, I would take my  time to train her to be used as an ass-whore so that she would want me to fuck her ass (I wrote about  training here once before.) Knowing this, with eyes wide open, she made the choice to submit and to  kneel for me with a view to living in a 24/7 dynamic in a Total Power Exchange (TPE) as my 3-hole slut.  

After she was claimed, her anal training began in earnest. Training her to be a daily use ass whore  required that she be fully enrolled. To help achieve this, I shared with her that what I was committed to  was that in the end, she would authentically love anal sex and enjoy it as a normal part of our sexual  dynamic. She is an amazing and committed slut and she understood that in our 24/7 TPE, her  responsibility was to serve, so with those thoughts in mind, she registered into be trained as my ass  whore. Remember kinksters, in kink, consent is everything. She was being trained to have her ass lit up  with a flogger and fucked to completion.  

She first learned to prepare herself for anal by defecating before sex and using an enema to clean  herself further. Because I desire my slut to be my ass-to-mouth whore, she needed to be sure she was  thoroughly cleaned. She would complete the pre-anal sex prep by squirting a dollop of lube into her ass  so she could confidently approach anal sex knowing that she was clean and lubed and that there would  be no “visitors”. A note here that “dirty” anal sex is potentially dangerous as well as messy, and since  neither she nor I are into scat, we prefer not to engage in “dirty anal”. Also, I like to eat her ass, so I  want her clean too. So, with that in mind, thorough preparation before play is a must.  

Second, there is the issue of lubrication. It is important to remember that the anus makes no lube at all.  None. So, you must use lube in order to have safe and fun anal sex. Rectal tissue tearing is dangerous  and painful and gets in the way of regular anal sex. For this reason, there are three key words associated with anal sex that every kinkster must know. LUBE, LUBE, & LUBE! Both during training and since, I use  lot of lube every time we have anal sex, and I still make sure to never force my way into her ass. This is  the third principle of training her. I first surf her ass with my hard cock, then I put the head of my  swollen thick cock against her anus and allow her to take me in at her pace and with the force that she  generates. This allows her to control and manage the process of relaxing and getting used to my size (I  have a very thick cock, so this is necessary, and it is a good method to use no matter your girth).  Whenever we have anal sex, I use lots of lube, even more lube than one might think necessary. In anal,  there can never be too much lube. Let me say that again. Use as much lube as you can to make sure that  you are both having fun. There is nothing quite like fun anal sex. Its really, really hot!  

The 4th principle I applied while training her is that I require her to wear a butt plug every day, all day,  whenever she is out of the house. It is a way for her to keep me “close to her”, and it has the dual  benefit of training her ass to be accustomed to penetration. She is also required to send me a picture of  her plugged and marked ass every morning, which helps to codify our dynamic. As time passed, we  gradually increased the size of the butt plug to make sure that she was getting used to accepting bigger items in her ass.  

I also made it a habit to use her ass with every scene so that she was rewarded for preparing her ass for  me to use. On a gradient she began to experience anal pleasure and then anal orgasms when I fucked  her ass. It seems that the combination of my size along with the angles that we explore while engaging  in anal sex during our play causes me to hit her G-spot when I am fucking her ass, which results in anal  sex making her dripping wet and she even has squirting orgasms with ass sex.  

Eating her ass is the way she finally got related to her ass as a sexual organ. Keep in mind that the  thousands of nerve endings around the ass are related to the Pudendal Nerve, which is the same nerve  that innervates the clitoris and the penis. Interestingly and somewhat remarkably, she now actually  climaxes when I eat her ass. It’s a very different climax to a clitoral climax to be sure, but she definitely  climaxes with earth shattering orgasms with anilingus. Plus, it’s a scene that is hot as hell! I am on my  knees stroking my throbbing cock while she is cumming as I eat her red-hot ass. HOT!  

For going on 3 years now, she has had almost daily use as a 3-hole-whore. She is my ass-to-mouth slut  and she regularly gets her ass eaten, flogged and fucked. Its perfection and its hot as hell.  

Imagine the scene where she has had her pussy fucked and eaten to multiple orgasms, where she has  had repeated uses of her mouth and ass, where I have eaten her ass which has been flogged bright red  and where the scene ultimately ends in a primal screaming simultaneous orgasm as I pump my seed into  her ass. Its that really hot, and its our scene every single day.  

Anal sex is a big part of our sexual self-expression. It is naughty and dirty and sexy and erotic and it is as  exotic as hell. We love it. 

Our scenes definitely take us to a place where we are deeply in our primal state. Limbic system  creatures. Having ass play create that experience for us has been a most unexpected outcome.  

To be fair, she does not have the only butthole in the room when we fuck. I have enjoyed her exploring  my ass as part of our play too. This occurs in two ways for us. The first is that I love when she eats my  ass. So, for her to be safe from acquiring a disease by doing this, I also prep before sex. I make sure to  defecate and to thoroughly clean myself with a washcloth before we play. When her tongue is on or in  my ass and she is pulling hard on my balls and stroking my cock, there is so much sensory input that I am  a literally quivering mess. She can easily bring me to orgasm this way. The other way she uses my ass is  to massage my prostate when my cock is down her throat. Again, she uses lube, and she keeps a  particular nail trimmed. She could use a finger condom if she wished, but the truth is that the amount of  finger she inserts to get onto my prostate is only and inch or so, so she is unlikely to get feces on her  finger even if I had not voided. As she massages my prostate, she describes it as if she is “feeling like a  walnut that is a bit squishy”, and when she brings me to climax this way, the stimulus makes me cum so  hard and with such volume that I tend to drown her in cum.  

The third way we could play, is for her to peg me. Put on a strap-on and fuck my ass. It’s not something  we have done yet, and being pegged does not make a person gay as everyone knows, but for us, it’s an  item on the menu for another day. When the time comes, I will do the same sort of things she does to  prepare to make sure I don’t suffer an injury and tear my rectal tissue in a dangerous way. And she will  

use the same sort of strategies I used to get her ready for anal to get me ready for anal. And she will use  lube. LOTS of lube.  

There are those folks in the gay community especially, but not exclusively, who are into size play. The  idea that you can really stretch the rectum and insert bigger and bigger items into the ass, from dildos to  fists is the point of the play. To my way of thinking, this way of playing is an extremely dangerous  behavior and great care is needed to ensure that one does not tear the tissue or cause permanent  damage. Rectal fissures can indeed be deadly. Engaging in anal size-play, one needs to be thoughtful and  careful to safely enjoy putting huge items in your partner’s ass.  

Back to Anal April. We got a lot out of our month of anal-only sex. And I learned a lot about my slut and  myself. It became clear to me how much of a masochist she is, now much of an ass whore she is, how  loving she is, how horny she is, and how committed to me she is. You can read about the experience in  my fetlife account where I kept a daily diary of the experience. Suffice it to say that what I got out of the  experience most of all is the awareness that I am even more of an anal whore than she is. I am addicted  to her ass and to have her use my ass. One of the best parts of Anal April was that the sex that followed  in May, our after Anal April sex, is truly mind blowing because as we incorporated using her pussy into  our scene, she had the experience of being fully present to a whole new context for her ass as a sexual organ.  

For this reason, putting all other reasons aside, I encourage you to explore anal sex based on this one  idea alone. As a man, your sex organs are your cock, your balls and your ass/prostate. As a woman you have your pussy (including your clit and G-spot), your tits and your ass. For both men and women, your ass represents one third of your sex organs. A third!  

Are you really prepared to surrender one third of your sexual satisfaction to morality?  Happy anal.  

P.S. Use lube. LOTS of lube. 


SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching  options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms 

Tagged With: anal play, anal sex, bdsm, bdsm play, bdsm scene, bottom, Top

Kink and Ethical Non-Monogamy

May 14, 2021 By SafferMaster 4 Comments

poly family, ethical non-monogamy
via stock.adobe.com

We have interviewed many polyamorous kinky individuals. We recently interviewed a kinkster who  shared her story with us about how she and her husband discovered that they are not sexually aligned.  Let’s call her “L” She is kinky and he just isn’t. They tried to incorporate kink into their lifestyle and while  she discovered that her sexuality is wrapped up in kink, he discovered that his is not. So how they dealt  with it, because they are life partners, was to venture into the world of polyamory, (what I like to call  “ethical non-monogamy”). They went poly.  

Polyamory means many (from English) loves (from the Latin “amore”). Polyamory, the word, is in much  more use in modern times, beginning in about 1988 and being much more prevalent and in use today.  The notion of many loves led to the more accurate descriptor, that being “Ethical Non-Monogamy”. The  ethics in play implies that there is agreement between the parties to have multiple partners. Not all non monogamy involves loving relationships, whereas polyamory implies that there are indeed multiple  loving relationships. In this case, our protagonist, L, and her husband B are in a polyamorous  relationship. L’s lover does not have a relationship with B and B’s lover does not have a relationship  (beyond friendship) with L. In polyamory, the partner’s partners are called “metamours.”  

L searched for and found a Dom with whom she developed a long-distance relationship, they met and  agreed to a D/s dynamic. She calls her Dom her “Sir”. She and he engage with daily communication,  tasks, etc, in an attempt to “normalize” the physical distance between them, while at the same time, her  husband, “B”, has found a local girlfriend and so they are now happily in this poly dynamic where she  gets her kink fix when she can, and he gets to explore his vanilla relationship with his girlfriend when he  can. It’s a very elegant solution. They love each other and they set out to create workability in their  relationship by creating an ethical non-monogamous solution, and they are both happier as a result.  

So, lets talk about this elegant solution to their relationship dynamic and all the ways it could have gone pear-shaped.  

First, when a couple discovers that they are not sexually compatible, its often the end of the  relationship. This couple did the adult thing. They talked. If polyamory is about anything, its about  communication. She had longings for kink and B did not, so he encouraged her to seek out a Dom and  she began that process online. They talked about what she discovered and what was pulling her toward  the kink dynamic and being confident in her love for him, he was able to say that he would be ok with  her scratching that kink itch with another man. Eventually, the time came for her to meet her Dom in  person. She realized that she had formed an emotional connection with him and she wanted to  experience herself as a sexual submissive. She craved it. They agreed to meet for a weekend in a central  location being that they live in different states.  

This is the point that most relationships that are attempting to open up simply fail. Most men cannot  stand the idea of their mate being sexually satisfied by another man. It has the potential of being very  emasculating. And yet, they agreed that she should indeed meet her Dom to see if this idea of  polyamory was or could be workable. It took a lot of courage on both of their parts to take this decision.  But their relationship was solid and the stepped into the wilderness. At this point, in the world of ethical  non-monogamy, what you have here is a 3-person conversation where there is agreement all around as  to what is important. The Dom was not willing to meet unless the marriage itself was stable and secure.  The marriage being stable and secure allowed the couple to have confidence in and certainty about their relationship as L went off to experience her first kink experience with this new Dom. They met for dinner  first and got to know each other in person beyond their phone calls, skype and chats. Only then did they  agree to play (in kink, scenes are called “play”) that she would submit to being used by him. They had  their first scene, and then she went back to her husband to debrief.  

This began a process of self-assessment for both him and her, and as L became more emotionally  involved with her Sir, talking on the phone every day, being tasked by him and so on, B began to feel  space developing, and by coincidence, he met a local woman with whom he had much in common and  with L’s agreement, B started to date his new gal, let’s call her “J”.  

So now you have a 4-way conversation that looks like this Sir-L- B – J. The secret to this polycule is that B  and L are in good communication, have a great relationship, and love each other as life partners. B and J  have a loving relationship that is going on 2 years now and Sir and L have a loving relationship that while  being long distance, allows Sir and L to explore kink to each of their personal satisfactions.  

The key to this dynamic is that L and B are deeply connected, in communication, and love each other as  life partners. This allows both B and L to explore sexuality and relationship outside of their committed  marriage in a true polyamorous manner that lives up to the idea of ethical non-monogamy.  

The secret to polyamory is communication. In a world where there is space between the couple,  polyamory is a path to relationship destruction. It’s only where there is no space and the couple speaks  openly and honestly about what they want and what’s missing that allows them to even discuss opening  their marriage and put polyamory on the table.  

Consider that there can be poly dynamics that do not involve sex. There are kink relationships that do  not involve sex either. In fact, among asexuals, polyamory is often the relationship model of choice with  many of the same challenges that sexual relationships have, especially where there is a partner who  wishes to have a sexual relationship. Polyamory is a natural and quite popular solution. In non-sexual  relationships, non-monogamy requires communication to the same extent as in sexual relationships.  

Where non-monogamy and kink intersect often is that there are multiple opportunities in play spaces  (pre-covid and soon to be post covid) where in a dungeon, a couple might invite an expert to play with a  partner. For example, sounding him while his partner watches. These are ethical non-monogamy  interludes that do not rise to the level of polyamory.  

All non-monogamy requires that precautions be taken to avoid transmission of STD’s when sex is  involved. Fluid bonding is a thing that really should be agreed to by all the parties. There should also be  a regular testing paradigm so everyone involved can be confident that they are not engaging in  excessively risky behavior. This is especially true in non-poly open relationships where sex is the point.  Swinging for example. Swinging is naturally an ethical-nonmonogamy construct and like much of  consensual play in kink, swinging can be risky and safety agreements should govern fluid bonding. This  goes for sharing of toys for instance and using clean condoms before sharing toys with a non-fluid  bonded partner.  

Kink and non-monogamy go together often. Ethical non-monogamy means that there are agreements in  place and that the ethics of non-monogamy are governed by those agreements. Can a couple exist  where one member of the couple is kinky and one is not? Absolutely. Can a couple exist where one  member of the couple wants to do things that are “hard limits” for her partner? Absolutely. Can a couple exist where one member is asexual and the other deeply kinky? Absolutely. All of these scenarios  can and do exist and they exist inside of agreements which in turn requires communication. It comes  down to this. If you do not ask for what you want, you will never know if your partner would agree. He  might, and if he does not, at least you are in communication and there is a chance you can negotiate to  an agreement. Kinksters are used to negotiation. That is the essence of the D/s dynamic. Having an  ethical non-monogamous relationship is a natural outcome of a conversation where you ask your  partner to do things to you that they are not comfortable with.  

As long as there is trust and love is present, anything is possible.  


SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and  personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching  out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms

Tagged With: bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, ethical non-monogamy, kink, poly relationships, polyamory, sexual safety, swinging

Exploring Casual Sex While Being Demisexual

May 6, 2021 By Maze 3 Comments

sexy women in lace on bed blindfolded
via stock.adobe.com

Sexuality is a broad spectrum. Everyone has different preferences regarding dating and being intimate with others, but some groups of people show certain common grounds. Many of them don’t necessarily feel the need to be labeled, but being part of a group can help us find our own voice for many of us. 

Labeling various aspects of our sexuality can help us identify our needs and desires and share them with the community. It allows us to find other people like ourselves. However, some preferences may be confusing even to people that define themselves as those. 

What exactly is demisexuality? Can demisexuals enjoy casual encounters? How to manage your physical craving without a long-term relationship? Here, you will find some information that will hopefully help you answer those questions. 

Demisexuality

Humans are sexual beings. The vast majority enjoys various kinds of sex, as it is no longer just a matter of procreation but a healthy way to relieve stress, have fun, experiment with new feelings, etc. While some can enjoy masturbation, their silicon wives, or random sex with strangers, not all people can and want to do those things. 

Demisexuality is one of the sexual orientations where people feel sexual attraction to someone only when they have an emotional bond with that person. At the same time, they can be gay, straight, pan, bi, and they may have any gender identity. 

Contrary to some beliefs, the bond demisexual people need to enjoy sexual encounters doesn’t need to be love or romance. For many of them, friendship will be more than enough. 

Right now, you may think, “but don’t many of us wait to have intimate relationships after we create some bond?” Yes, but for demi people, it’s not about choice. They don’t do it because they want to, but because they won’t feel sexual attraction until after they befriend someone. They are not simply people who decide to date someone before having sex. 

Casual Encounters

Seeing their friends hooking up in bars and having a good time with total strangers may be annoying for demi people. Most people need physical closeness from time to time, but some don’t want to engage in serious relationships. 

Being the only one who goes to a party with friends and goes back alone isn’t nice. You never have any wild, fun stories to tell in the morning, and you can feel like you are too picky and that your friends perceive you as a prude. Nevertheless, have you ever had casual sex that you enjoyed? If you didn’t have casual sex at all, do you want to?

If the answer is “no,” then you don’t have anything to feel weird about. Sex with strangers, especially after alcohol, can be really awkward, and lots of people lie that it was wonderful, just to feel better. You can always fulfill your physical needs in different ways. Doing it by yourself has many benefits, including getting to know your own body. 

Friends With Benefits

Friends with benefits is a fantastic way to have someone you can be close to with no strings attached. It is also a perfect arrangement for demis. Platonic friendship or love is also the connection that may allow demisexual people to have good sex without long-term relationships. 

If you don’t want to ruin your social circles, you can look up people on the Internet. There are sites designed especially for looking for friends with benefits, and putting your sexual preferences on your profile page can help you avoid people that want something different. 

Having a platonic sexual relationship will allow you to explore your sexual side without distractions and fights that usually couples have. You can try various things and techniques and see what you are into. 

However, there is a tricky part of the FwB relationship that people tend to forget. If you want it to work, you have to remember that you are not a couple. It can get really awkward if one person “catches” feelings and the other one doesn’t. You have to establish clear ground rules of the arrangement and follow them thoroughly. 

The Bottom Line

Demisexual people will indeed have a harder time finding relationships with no strings than others. However, in most cases, it can be done. There is no reason for demisexual people to be abstinent when dating is out of the question. You can have sex for any reason, from physical need to the mental need of closeness. It is important to take your time and find someone you will have a good time with, so you won’t end up hurt or in an uncomfortable situation. 

Remember that you don’t have to do things that make you feel awkward just because other people are doing this. You can take everything at your own pace. Embracing your sexuality can help you feel better and accept yourself just the way you are. 


Maze is a lifestyle writer, dominant in life, submissive in other activities. She participates in shibari workshops and works as a BDSM model for both workshops and photoshoots. Her writing focuses on positive sexuality, and her goal is to educate people on safe sex, kinks, and accepting your whole personality. Maze wants to see a world where no one will be frowned upon for expressing themselves or their hobbies.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm play, bdsm scene, demisexual, fetish, kink, orgasm, sex, sexual expression, sexual fantasy, sexual freedom, sexual safety, sexuality

Good Ways To Spice Things Up If You’re Struggling In The Bedroom

May 1, 2021 By Grace Murphy 2 Comments

sexy domme with handcuffs
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Most people don’t like to freely admit when they’re having trouble in the bedroom. Such a confession is wrongly seen as a weakness to be ashamed of, so many just stay quiet and hope that things improve on their own. Unfortunately, it’s rare that such problems actually get better without any intervention.

The good news is that there are plenty of ways to improve your performance in the bedroom; you just need to know what they are. This guide lists four of the ways you can improve your skills and spice things up after hours, ensuring that you never have a bad night in bed again.

Improve Your Physical Strength

You don’t need to be a gym buff to win over girls and satisfy them in the bedroom. However, spending more time working on your body could help you perform better when the time comes.

Sometimes, it’s easy to forget that sex can be quite the workout, utilising all sorts of muscles you might forget about. If you find that your intimate encounters aren’t that taxing on your body, that could explain why you’re having trouble in the bedroom. While the experience doesn’t have to be an all-out sweatfest, your arms, legs, abs, and back should all be playing their part.

The reason why exercising more often can help with sex is that it can strengthen these areas so that you’re able to last longer in bed. The last thing you want is to take a break after two minutes because you’re worn out and don’t have the strength to keep going. Admittedly, there’s nothing wrong with letting her take control for a little while so you can recover. However, if she ends up having to do all the work, she probably won’t be impressed.

Get Tips From An Expert

Whether they don’t want to hurt your feelings or they’re not actually sure what the problem is, it can be hard to get answers about why you’re bad from the people you sleep with. That can be an issue because if you don’t know where you’re going wrong, you can’t make any improvements.

That’s why it might be worth spending time with an expert, plenty of which you can find at Adultseek. Not only are many of the women here well versed in sex, but they also understand men reasonably well because of all the dates they’ve been on. They know the faults that can often crop up and how to address them without causing offence. Plus, they’re usually not afraid to be open about all things concerning sex, so you don’t need to feel awkward discussing your problems. If the two of you hit it off, they may even show you how to do things properly.

Just spending a few hours with one of these women may give you the confidence booster you need when it comes to the bedroom. If not, you can keep booking time with them until you get there.

Be Present In The Moment

Sex is supposed to be an intimate act between two people, yet many partners forget to truly share the experience with their other half. Maybe they’re unresponsive while receiving pleasure, or they look away during tender moments. Whatever it is, some people just fail to connect with what’s happening, and that can remove some of the fun from the experience.

If you’ve been guilty of this in the past, it’s worth remembering that you’re not alone in the bedroom. Try to make eye contact more often or be more vocal when a girl is going down on you. Try to pay attention to the stuff she likes, too, and do it more often. Simply by being more attentive to your partner, you should find that your encounters go from dull to exciting in an instant.

Introduce New Forms Of Pleasure

Fun in the bedroom is about more than just you penetrating someone. In plenty of cases, such an activity isn’t even included as part of sex. Some people prefer to focus on the various acts of foreplay, as well as integrating toys and kinks, to get their rocks off.

If you’re worried that your go-to method isn’t working, it’s worth switching things up in the future. Maybe spend more time making your partner feel good with your hands and mouth before you unzip. Alternatively, it’s worth seeing if she has any particular interests that you may be open to trying out. It’s always good to have honest discussions about sex with the people you sleep with, especially those who are more than just a one-time encounter. You never know what pleasures you might discover together, which could change things in the bedroom forever.

Being bad in bed isn’t something that you have to live with. Problems like this are easy to fix with the right motivation, though you may need to give it time before your skills are worth idolising. Practice makes perfect, after all.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm play, bdsm scene, breath play, dominant, fetish, impact play, kink, power exchange, sex, submissive

Managing Multiple Subs

April 24, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

two sexy submissives in gas masks
via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

A couple of days ago, I was asked a question regarding managing the problems of having multiple subs  who serve you at the same time. As my readers know, I’m not talking about multiple play partners, but  rather, multiple partners who are striving to fulfill my expectations, desires, and preferences. 

The question was how I avoid the problems of multiple partners, particularly in the area of sexuality – how I manage intimacy with different subs. The person asking was having trouble rationalizing multiple  partners and how to split your time, attention, and commitment between them. 

This person was seeing all sorts of problems with treating all subs “equally”, yet having some who are  closer than others, and what that does to them in terms of jealousy and competition. 

This became yet another excellent use of the “layers” concepts (rather than rehash that here, I refer you  to my books, fetlife, or other articles that discuss the layers analogy). Bottom line, the way I look at  power dynamics simplifies these questions. The layers concept views D/s relationships as relationships  (of some sort) to which we’ve added a power dynamic. I currently have D/s relationships with 4 people.  All of them are dedicated to serving me in whatever way I define their submission. They’re all my  submissives and the power dynamic with all of them is very similar. 

However, their underlying relationships are very different: One is my husband, one is the husband of a  close friend, one is basically my lawyer and the fourth is a friend, turned business associate. 

Naturally, the relationship I have with my husband is very different than those I have with the other 3 – however, it’s not because of a difference in the power dynamic (or their intent within the power  dynamic) – it’s due to differences in the underlying relationship type. Clearly, one doesn’t feel the same  way about a friend than they do about a spouse – with or without a power dynamic! You trust your  spouse more than your lawyer (lawyer jokes aside). You communicate better with your business partner  than the husband of a friend (you hope). 

Resolving the Paradoxes 

The way the person had asked the question conflated relationship-level attributes with power dynamic level attributes and hence, they were having trouble resolving the paradoxes: How can you have the  same type of power dynamic with someone you love versus a friend? How does your spouse have more  privilege than your friend without jealousy?  

For me, it’s simple: I have relatively equal power dynamics with very different types of  relationships…and therefore the blended whole of each relationship is very different. But from the perspective of the power dynamics – how they serve me – their intent – the rules they live by — those  things are nearly identical.

The question about sexuality is moot when considered within the context of this separation: Sex is  something that (at least for me) depends on the underlying relationship type. Whether I am sexual with  someone has nothing to do with their service to me, it has to do with the type of underlying relationship we have.  

If you’re not the type to have sex with the husband of a friend, or your lawyer, or your business  associate, then you’re not going to have sex with them if they’re your submissive! So, I don’t have sex  with those submissives. I do, however, have sex with my husband. The fact that they’re all my  submissives doesn’t change that…because it’s not the power layer that defines the sexual component of our overall relationships. 

The other subs understand this separation – they don’t feel jealousy because they understand that,  while they are equals when it comes to submission, they are not on equal footing in the underlying  relationship. They don’t EXPECT to have that type of intimacy, because theirs is not that type of  relationship. 

The Team Approach 

When it comes to managing the submission of multiple partners, the number one rule is that they  operate as a team: My submissives comprise “Team Rika”. The overall success of Team Rika is my  happiness – how well the overall team serves me. It has nothing to do with the relative position or performance of any particular team member. Each team member brings their strengths to the team and  together they fill in each other’s weaknesses. They work together to be the best team they can be. They  can only succeed together. 

I have a couple of rules of thumb that govern this team, which help to eliminate jealousy and  competition – both of which are poison to a multiple-partner dynamic: 

1) I segment the areas of their focus. I don’t assign two submissives the same area of my life. If one  sub manages the kitchen, another one manages transportation, another will manage wardrobe,  another will manage the garden, etc. This keeps them out of each other’s hair and avoids two of  them trying to serve me in the same space.  

2) Competition is the enemy of good teamwork. A lot of folks believe that you get the best out of a  person when you make them compete. This is true for the performance of an individual, but I  don’t believe it’s the best solution for a team. The focus of each team member must be the  performance of the team, not their particular performance.  

3) Due to #2, a sub who is competitive has lost sight of the ultimate goal of the team, and will no longer be allowed to serve. They will be given opportunity to change their ways, but ultimately,  if I feel they are continuing to act in a counter-productive manner to the benefit of the team, I  will remove them from the team – no matter what they’re bringing in terms of individual performance. The health of the team is far more important than any one person. I have luckily  only had to do this once in almost 30 years. 

4) I don’t show favorites. As I already discussed, the underlying relationship types factor into the  overall relationship and how I treat that partner, however, as far as the power dynamic is  concerned, everyone is held to the same standard. Everyone is expected to strive to fulfill their  commitment to the dynamic. I provide equal assessment and feedback, simple gifts, clear  communications of my expectations, recognition, and active attention. 

5) Tattling is a big ‘no-no’. I’m not interested in individual guilt or assignment of blame. The team  succeeds or fails together. The team needs to work within itself to grow. They need to help each  other and correct each other. They share a common objective and if they keep their focus on  that objective, they will help each other work through their differences and insecurities. Personal goals are most visible when you take your eye off the team’s goals. It’s fine to want  yourself to succeed, but if that surpasses your focus on the objective of the team, you’re  priorities are out of alignment. 

Wrap up 

This is not an easy thing to manage multiple submissives, however, it is very doable when you  understand the forces at play. As the dominant, you need to be clear as to your expectations – not only  regarding how they serve you, but also their responsibilities to each other. When a team is functioning  well, it feels effortless. If you find yourself resolving conflicts, managing egos, reassuring insecurities – then something is amiss within your team and you need to snuff it as quickly as possible. Determine the root cause and if you can’t remediate it, eliminate it. Your team will serve you well – and a well functioning team will serve you better than any one person can. 


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: bdsm, dominant, domme, femdom, fetish, kink, power dynamic, power exchange, submissive, submissive headspace, submissive training, topspace

What Is It About Impact Play?

April 17, 2021 By SafferMaster 4 Comments

sex toys
via stock.adobe.com

With her ass lit up red from well over 300 strokes with a heavy flogger, her cum dripping down her legs,  her mind floating in a hypnotic sub-space fog, she moans as my cock fills her ass.  

“Mark me Daddy” she coos.  

The cane stroke startles her for a moment, before she moans with pleasure as my cock again fills her ass  and my cool skin presses against her red-hot cheeks…she is cuming hard as she asks again to be marked  “mark me Daddy.” In our scenes, she is marked and then ass fucked until she asks to be marked again.  The cycle repeats until she stops asking or until I am so aroused that I cum. This week she welcomed 10  strokes of the heavy cane. She is a proudly marked collared slut.  

Impact play is ultimately a form of energy play. Kinetic energy that the implement delivers to the  bottom, who in impact play is referred to as the catcher, from the person wielding the whip, the  thrower, varies based on the skill and the amount of energy used to throw the whip. What occurs in the  receiver’s body with the impact is an interesting neurophysiological and psychological/emotional  phenomenon. What makes a masochist a masochist is the association of pain with pleasure. And at the  same time, there are people who do not identify as masochists who enjoy impact play. With that in  mind, consider that the first time a flogger/whip lands on the skin, the pain receptors, technically called  nociceptive mechanoreceptors, are stimulated to fire. They send their message of pain up to the brain  using a slowly transmitting message pathway of unmyelinated nerves. Think of it as if the pain message  is on a slow train to the cerebral cortex delivered by a chemical process of neurotransmission. If you  have ever bumped your shin hard, you know exactly what I am referring to. The message of pain gets to  the brain eventually, and with repeated strokes of the flogger, that pathway is chemically depleted. At  the same time, there is another process occurring that creates a chemical irritant to the nociceptors.  This time at the level of the capillaries. In the case of an unseasoned bottom, the capillaries fail and leak.  The blood that leaks will lead to bruising around the area. Deep bruising on a fresh bottom will spread as  the blood drains with gravity. In a seasoned bottom, this redness is transient, and reflects a slightly  different process which I will come back to. Local bleeding produces lysosomal enzymes in the  interstitial spaces, which create chemical pain as those lysosomes irritate the nociceptors. When you  press on a bruise, it hurts because those lysosomal enzymes are out in the interstitial tissues rather than  encapsulated in in the lysosomes in the blood vessels where they belong. In the seasoned bottom, the  local redness is in part due to the normal cooling mechanism of the body. Local heat causes redness as  blood comes to the surface so that cooling can occur, and heat can dissipate. The main advantage of  “warming up the bottom” is that the fluid filled tissue is very tolerant of impact play. With my slut, we  play almost every day and her ass gets very red, but a short time after we play her skin color has  returned to normal. There are no lasting effects of the impact play on the local tissue.  

Just a short note on pain interpretation. As best we can tell, pain is an emotion. We experience the  emotion the way we do based on many things from our upbringing to our nature. My mom was  incredibly stoic. She barely flinched when she cut her and badly and had to have stitches without  anesthetic. I have had a dental filling replaced without an anesthetic by just using visualization to  manage the pain of dental work. The point is that we all interpret pain differently.  

As a flogging scene begins, I gradually build up the intensity of the impact and the ass literally warms up.  The combination of repeated blows of a gradually increasing intensity brings enough blood to the area to allow the blows to land on tissue that does not deform sufficiently to fire off the deep pain receptors  and the sensation of impact play is normalized recruiting the normal sensory pathway, which is  delivered via high-speed electro-chemically transmitting myelinated nerves. Think of this as the fast  train. Imagine that the two pathways get to a station, and at the station, there is a gating mechanism  which gives priority to the rapidly conducting nerves, so the pain transmission is overwhelmed by this  new input and the sensation experience of the catcher changes to a sensation that is interpreted as  pleasurable, or at least, as a more normal sensation.  

Its that shift that moves the experience from one of punishment to one of pleasure. The impact imparts  kinetic energy that the catcher internalizes as erotic, sexual and arousing. This occurs because in the  cerebral cortex, the pain input is received, and because pain is an emotion, like happiness or sadness,  how it is received is up to the interpretation of the catcher. It is in this state of being in a hypnotic trans  that the catcher interprets the impacts as pleasurable, erotic or sexually arousing.  

The implement I choose to mark my slut with is the cane. I have a long history with the cane, both in  being caned as a child in school as well as an implement to enforce a discipline or impart a punishment. I  choose the cane as the implement I use to mark my slut as an act of love. She wears her marks with  pride, and she chooses to be marked on her terms. We have created a paradigm where she puts herself  forward for marking in our high protocol scenes and during the scene, I mark her when I am confident  that she is, in fact, prepared and ready to be marked. She occurs to me as ready for marking when it is  clear to me that she is experiencing a deeply hypnotic state or what we know as “subspace”, and that  her ass has been warmed up with hundreds of strokes starting with light and progressing to heavy, and  after I have flogged her on two or three separate occasions building up to the intensity each time  leading up to the marking. Once she is warmed up to my satisfaction, I alert her than marking is next so  she can prepare herself, then I give her one firm cane stroke with the heavy cane. I choose the heavy  cane because she is a seasoned bottom and in order to mark her, I need to make sure she develops a  deep bruise. What follows for us is that it’s up to her to request that she be marked again. Giving her  this choice has opened a new avenue for her to explore her masochism and her capacity to expand her  enjoyment of our impact play. There is a lot of power in her choosing to be marked. She is empowered  to test herself and she is immensely proud of her marks. To illustrate this, note that in the past, she only  tolerated up to 3 or 4 strokes before she limited out, with this new paradigm she is now requesting up  to 10 strokes and talking about asking for more. I have one more thing to say about the marking. The  intensity of the cane strokes pulls her out of her hypnotic trance for sure, so we have created a way to  manage the marking process, and then after the marking process if complete, I incorporate all the tricks  I have to create sexual pleasure for her so that she is able to return to her trance state. Marking for us is  not an act of punishment or discipline. Its part of our dynamic and its part of our agreement to live a  Total Power Exchange. In our dynamic, she belongs to me and I mark my belongings. With that said, I  have postulated that because she experiences orgasms with flogging, that before long, and especially as  her cane strokes grow in number, she will also experience orgasm with cane strokes.  

What is interesting about impact play is that there are all sorts of implements to enjoy experimenting  with. I have had the experience of topping a dedicated and long experienced masochist who was fulfilled  by suffering. She was more interested in being hurt than she was in having an orgasm. There is nothing  wrong with that, and that is not where we are in our current dynamic. As a sensual sadist, my interest is  in using implements that allow my slut to explore her sexuality, and her masochism as her full self expression. She is a sensual masochist. Not looking to experience pain for the purpose of suffering, but rather looking for pain that arouses her in the context of an impact scene. We have discovered that she  is partial to the heavy flogger. It brings out her inner slut and she has enjoyed the experience of as many  as 1200 vigorous continuous strokes with the heavy flogger. She is not, as it turns out, partial to the  riding crop, or the paddle or the wooden paddle which seems to be distracting for her. She finds a  rhythmic flogging to be what she desires to keep her in subspace and in full arousal. She finds that the  experience of intermittent strokes or strokes that surprise her tend to “break the spell” as it were. That’s  not her jam. She wants predictable impact play that allows her to explore the depths of her masochism  and her journey in subspace and rhythms that maintain the hypnotic and erotic state of mind seem  more suited to her sexual inquiry.  

Thinking about floggers, there is a continuum from light floggers to heavy, to cat-of-nine tails, to snake  whips to single tails to bullwhips.  

The natural progression is that in the case of throwing and catching whips, there is a progression that  requires skills. Luckily, the skills build from implement to implement. Also, there is a difference between  punishment and sexuality. In this writing, I am speaking about sensual sadism while using whips and  floggers for hypnotic impact play. This is the way we use the flogger. The impact play scenes we engage  in are erotic and hypnotic by nature. This means that there is loud music and the rhythmic strokes that  build up from lighter to heavier are predictable to her and timed with the music. Because I can increase  the intensity on a gradient without changing rhythm or by suddenly changing the intensity too  dramatically, I can keep her in that hypnotic trance state for a long time. The below threshold intensity  of the rhythmic flogging that we engage in helps to both create a hypnotic trance, and to sustain the  experience such that I can increase and decrease the intensity of the flogging so she can ride waves of  pleasure during our play. The only unpredictable variable in our use of the flogger then is the duration of  the flogging. What I never do is “shock” her with an unreasonably heavy strike so she comes out of the  hypnotic trance she is experiencing.  

The choice to move from flogger to cat-of-nine requires the learning of a skillset to keep all nine fronds  of the whip on target. This is amplified in difficulty by orders of magnitude with each successive whip as  the number of fronds goes down, and the length of the whip increases, requiring one to use more force  to get the whip on target with each transition from one whip to the next. By the time you get to single  tails, you are dealing with a whip that can move at subsonic speeds imparting a massive amount of  kinetic energy to the catcher with each stroke. There is no advantage to whip a catcher at super sonic  speeds, that is to say, to crack the whip on the person, and even a sub-sonic whipping, where you crack  the whip just before it impacts the catcher, imparts a significant amount of kinetic energy to the catcher,  who’s skin will likely break unless they are very experienced at catching high intensity whips.  

The definitive work on whips is “Whips in the Dungeon: Singletail Technique” by Dex who also has an  extensive video library and who regularly hosts educational sessions on whip play on Amazon. Dex  maintains a Patreon for a lot of his very worthwhile content too. You can find that here:  https://www.patreon.com/witd. And you can access his Whips in the Dungeon video library that  accompanies the text here http://witd.houseofgraves.com/witd/. If you want to learn to be a proficient  whip thrower, I strongly recommend the Dex method that progresses you from one whip to the next  most difficult whip on the way to the single tail. Dex has a couple of Youtube channels and a facebook  page that you can follow him on. All of those links are available on his fetlife page. Just search for Dex. 

There are two participants in our impact play scenes. The thrower (me) and the catcher (her). In our  scenes, we use impact play as in integral part of our sexual encounters. I use chain bondage, and her  obedience to create a deep dive into hypnotic subspace, and along with hypnotic erotic flogging, take  her to that place where her sexual self-expression occurs in her submission and her unconstrained  exploration of herself as a masochist. It has been there, in that experience of subspace, that our sexual  encounters take on the form of an energetic exchange where we find ourselves occurring not as two  people, but as a single sexual creature. This experience is brought about after a long bout of rhythmic  flogging that pushes her deeper into that frame of mind. The deeper she goes, the harder I can flog her.  The harder I flog her the more she cums, the firmer her butt gets and the more she tolerates cane strokes.  

I have had vastly different experiences with impact play over the years. I have used impact play as a tool  of discipline where submissives who seek guidance choose escalating sessions of corporal punishment to  keep them accountable. In those instances, there is not a long warm-up and the submissive is told to  simple bend over and pull her panties down before being caned. I have also, as I mentioned, been  served by a submissive who needed to suffer in order to be fulfilled sexually. She wanted to be surprised  by intense punishment scenes with unpredictable impacts that shocked and surprised her for example.  

Impact play is something that you can do with or without association with sexual intimacy. People who  are dominants might themselves also enjoy impact play as catchers in addition to being throwers. The  main thing it to remember is that consent is everything and the negotiation that allows the impact scene  to progress should include agreements around safe words.  

In our dynamic, we use Red and Yellow. Others use a number scale, and so on. The number scale is way  for people who do not know each other well to be in communication during a scene. The thrower might  feel that they are using a force that occurs to them as a 7/10 while the catcher might only be  experiencing the impact as a 3/10. The number scale can help them get aligned in their interpretation of  the intensity. The key to a successful scene is that the thrower and the catcher MUST be in  communication, and there must be trust so that the catcher knows that the thrower will honor their  safe words.  

Play safe!  


SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, dominant, fetish, impact play, kink, submissive

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