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I Used To Be

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I frequently see people new to bdsm and dom/sub relationships ask “what am I?” They give a list of things they like and want, and a list of things they don’t, and want someone to tell them what they should call themselves.

It’s not that simple.

I have said many hundreds of times that we are forever in evolution. It’s only when we look back to see how far we’ve traveled that we can measure how much we’ve changed. What does change can be the very core of our being; what we thought made us who we are.

I’ve been doing a lot of evolving during the last twenty years. Some of it I didn’t know was happening. Some I was very aware of. Some isn’t actually evolving, but simply recognizing and accepting what has been there all along.

I don’t personally need for what I am to have a label. I’m me, and those labels aren’t for me in the first place. They’re for other people to get an idea of who I am through commonly shared terminology. That’s how we better relate to one another. That’s why definitions in dictionaries are important. They give us a commonality.

For example:

I used to be demi-sexual.

I could enjoy intimate things only with someone I had strong feelings for. It was how I was wired. I’d had a fuck buddy when I was 18, but the sex wasn’t as good. We didn’t have an emotional connection. I met and fell in love with the man who would become my first husband and suddenly the sex was mind-blowing.

Once I left my second husband, however, I realized I no longer needed an emotional connection to enjoy sex. I wanted sex for its own sake. I dove headlong into sex parties. Given the size of the wet spots I left on a couple beds, I’d say I’m way over being demi-sexual. It’s not how I’m wired anymore.

If I’m not demi anymore, then what am I?

During the flag-waving month, I found a great resource (two, actually) that contained a bunch of different flags. I looked them over carefully. I freely admit I googled a few of them. Sometimes I ask uncomfortable questions of those who know about it all, in my efforts to understand the subtle differences, or why two things that are complete opposites sit under the same umbrella.

I found that the term demi-sexual didn’t exist until 12 years back (2006). Well, no wonder there wasn’t a word for how I felt 30 years ago.

I found the term that really fits how I am now. Aromantic. A person who can fuck and be fucked without an emotional connection. Tongue pressed firmly in cheek, I call it the Slut Flag. YAY SLUTS ‘R’  US!!! I didn’t think we needed a flag, but okay. Everyone gets a trophy nowadays. I might have thought it would be a field of pink lace with a red thong and a condom in the middle, but no. It’s just four boring stripes of bland color.

It’s hard to take people seriously when they glom onto any new label that comes down the pike. It’s rather like being a hypochondriac. So realizing I’m no longer demi-sexual, that I do NOT need an emotional connection in order to enjoy sex (and haven’t for a long time) is not something I’ve accepted lightly. It has, however, been a relief to let that go and see myself as I am now rather than who I was five years ago.

I am a sadist, a masochist. I am submissive…whoops, hold on there!

I used to be submissive.

For 30+ years, submissive was my most natural state with my life partner. I was submissive to both husbands; was doing it before I knew d/s relationships were a thing.

My first husband and I were naturally d/s for over a decade. He was very much the boss and I…wasn’t. A woman knows when she is owned, and he owned me utterly. He controlled where I went and who I was with. He controlled where the money went, and would literally remove money from my pocket if we were going out somewhere. If he didn’t like my clothes, I had to change into something else (usually because of too much cleavage). I could be naked all day long at home, but had to be fully covered from neck to knees when we left the house. I didn’t really care much so long as he kept me happily fucked, which he did until the last couple years.

The minute I left husband #2, in January of 2018, any submissiveness in me vanished. I had been submissive solely for him, by his own command, for a very long time. For his benefit, for his pleasure (and mine), and for the harmony of the house; but not because it was who I was as a person anymore. I had ceased to “be submissive” as part of my being and had become “submissive for him alone.” When that shift actually happened, I couldn’t tell you. It was gradual over the years as he altered my own perception through the rules he instituted.

He’d let me explore topping. Topping led to domming as I realized I didn’t want to be a kink/fetish vending machine and wanted to do what ~I~ wanted to do during play. Negotiation ceased to be me asking “what do you like/want” and became “here are the toys I brought. This is what I do. Pick what you want used on you.”

The dominant aspects of my personality were allowed to flourish and, once out of a place of daily submission, became my whole being and personal point of view. I am dominant. It is my personality.

I am the boss when I top. I am the boss when I bottom.
I am a sadist.
I am a masochist. I’m not ever giving up the masochist part. I enjoy it too much. I just won’t be submitting in order to have those needs fulfilled.

Thus, I am a dominant sadomasochist.

I don’t have to submit to get a flogging, and the other person doesn’t have to dominate in order to give one. We can be equals, enjoying what we do and enjoying each other, cooperating to have a mutually satisfying scene/session, without either of us being the boss of the other.

The d/s aspect of it can be left completely aside. We can be top and bottom, sadist and masochist, and be perfectly satisfied and content.

I had thought the submissive in me was completely dead. Turned out she just needed a good, long rest. She perks her head up now and then, when a man has that innate quality that speaks to her. She will not, however, be who I am anymore. She only ever comes out for playtime.

Third on my list of things:

I used to be monogamous!

I used to be so strongly monogamous that I couldn’t think about being with a second man without feeling guilty. I couldn’t stand the thought of my husband being with another woman. Flogging was foreplay. If something involved tits, cunt, ass, or cock and balls, it was sexual. Period. It was that black and white for me.

Then husband #2 let me start paddling other people at parties. In turn, I had to not fuss about him playing with other people too. That was only fair. While it wasn’t easy those first couple times, I very quickly learned to separate spankings, floggings, and even dick caning, from fucking and being fucked by my husband.

There were rules I had to follow, and I agreed with them. I never broke a single one of his rules for playing with others. After I left him, however, those rules were gone. I had more sexual partners in my first two parties than I’d had since the year I turned 18. For 31+ years, I’d only been with those two men. My husbands were both very greedy with me, keeping me entirely to themselves.

I’m not polyamorous. Not by any stretch of the word. Remember, I don’t love any of the people I fuck. I’m not having an ongoing relationship with any of them except that we meet at the same sex party a few times. I don’t want a committed relationship or emotional entanglements.

I’m in a slut phase (waves that flag!), and enjoying the hell out of it! I don’t need or want romance. I actually don’t like what most people call romance. I write it really well, but I don’t feel it myself or have need of it.

I used to be heterosexual

Okay, yeah…no. That one hasn’t changed. I’m only interested in dick. Big dick, preferably, but we don’t measure entrants to the parties and put their length and girth on stat/name tags and I’ve had some fantastic sex with average sized dudes and too brief an encounter with some who are well-endowed.

Evolution of the self doesn’t stop. Five years down the road, I’ll take another look back and measure the change.

You will too at some point.

Embrace the change. When you do, you are accepting yourself as you are rather than how you wish you were. Acceptance of the self is one of the hardest things we as people ever do. Enjoy who you are.

—————————————–

About the Author

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twenty fiction books that you can find on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can find more of her work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

The Punishment Jar

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Admit it, you opened this expecting to read a dirty story.  In truth, the only dirty story I will be telling you is mine.

I discovered kink about eighteen years ago.  Through some dirty stories on the internet and a couple dirty magazines my mother hid in her dresser.  However, I didn’t actively begin to see it out until three years later. I devoured every little bit of information I could find on kink, BDSM, and, more specifically, the Dominate/submissive dynamic.  Though information was difficult to find, I discovered the basics. I found out what a contract was, negotiations, collars, and punishments.

For those of you who are just starting out:

Contract: Traditionally, a contract is a written agreement between two (or more) parties entering a Power Exchange relationship.  This can include (but not limited to) a time limit, basic rules regarding behavior and punishments, expectations, soft limits, hard limits, a renegotiation time period, medical information that affects play, protocol, and so much more.  They can vary in length as well.

  • One example is a Protocol Handbook that I keep on my nightstand.  Protocol Handbook for the Leather Slave: Theory and Practice by Robert J. Rubel is a book that started out as a handbook for his own slave.  It holds a variety of information, especially for those leaning more towards a Total Power Exchange (TPE)

Negotiations:  This is an honest and vulnerable conversation when it comes to long term partners.  It is a conversation, preferably in person, where you discuss everything you hope to get out of a relationship, what you can offer into the relationship, your limits, your desires, your wants, your needs, your history, and so forth.  I personally recommend doing this in person because I know that I can easily misunderstand the tone of a text message or email.

Collars:  For the longest time when I started out, I connected collars with the visual sign of ownership.  In truth, it is a physical marking that you belong to someone. However, with anything, there are many ways and many more meanings to what a collar is.  There is a variety of types: Consideration, day, pet, and play collars are only a few of the options. I learned much later in my journey that a collar is much more of a spiritual experience and even when I am not wearing it (though it rarely comes off) it is never really gone.

Lastly,

Punishments:  I had always believed that punishments were physical deterrents to correct improper behavior.  And, as I speak from experience, they can be. A few swats of the belt can leave a firm reminder of what not to do.  But, more so, punishments are a time for self-reflection.  

I am always harder on myself than my Master ever is.  His corrections are swift and firm. But, the most important part, is He will always make sure I understand why I am in trouble.  There are times I feel as though I’ve failed Him. Even stronger, I often feel I have failed myself. Master never hesitates to affirm that once a punishment is done, all is forgiven.  He keeps the balance.

**** ****

Like most, I did not find my Master in my very first relationship.  In fact, I found a beautiful person who was just as kinky, and just as new, as myself.  Two newbies do not make a seasoned player.  With both of us learning, it was a lot of trial and error.  I knew I was submissive. The idea of being a Top was off-putting.  But, as my partner came from an abusive background, punishments for my misbehavior was a major struggle.  There was nothing I could do to convince her that I was fine with being physically corrected.

So, I offered a compromise.

I offered the idea of a Punishment Jar.

It started out as a cookie jar that sat innocently on the fridge.  When you opened the lid, there were ten white pieces of paper, all folded tightly to hide their contents.  Each was numbered. The numbers corresponded to previously negotiated punishments. From that point on, if my behavior warranted punishment, the burden fell from her shoulders and into mine.  My partner no longer stressed that her choice of punishment was too harsh (because we had already agreed on these) and she did not have to worry that my behavior would not be corrected if she was having a mental health day.  

In all honesty, it also opened my mind to the idea of enjoying mind-fuckery.  Half the internal battle is wondering how severe my punishment would be. Would it match the infraction?  Would I be up into the wee hours of the night writing lines? Would I be sleeping on my stomach because my ass was too sore?  Would I have to sleep alone?

Twelve years, and two additional partners later, and those questions only get harder to answer.

My Jar has grown in the last twelve years.  When I mentioned it to Master during one of our negotiations, He decided he liked the idea.  The uncertainty I felt as I had to draw my numbers appealed to the Sadist in Him.

It was very easy instructions.  I was to pick one punishment for each day of the longest month of the year plus one to grow on.  Each punishment had to be personal to me. It had to push me in some form. I was given three days to complete the task.  After which, I presented Him with the list, and He decided those which met the requirements and removed those that did not.  Then I labeled 32 pieces of white paper with numbers, folded them tightly, and placed them in a mason jar. When I draw from my jar, I never know the punishment until I get my book.  It contains the list of what each one means.

I’ve been told that He can see my face fall when I start looking for the number(s) I need.  After all, the point of mind-fuckery is to keep you on your toes.

I have typed up my current list to give an idea of how to create your own jar should you so wish.  I will add bits and pieces of clarification and why they are personal to me.

Disclaimer:  Some of these are about mental mind-fuckery.  They sound both callous and cruel; or so I’ve been told by other individuals.  It is important to note that I selected each and every one of these and then had to explain them to Master as I am about to explain them to you.  These are punishments that push my limits but never cross them. Please do not apply them as a standard. Some of these can be considered cruel.

The Punishments

  1. 250 lines
    • If you have never written lines, I can assure you they are painful as can be.  Add the aspect that each line must be written one at a time, with proper grammar, and a sentence of Master’s choice (not always limited to one written line), you will regret drawing this one.  Especially if they are due by dinner the following night and you work a full-time job.
  2. 6 smacks—barehanded spanking
    • For a masochist, I have always found bare-handed spankings to be the most difficult to bear.  Implements were far easier to take and in this, I wanted the ability to both increase my tolerance and push my pain threshold while also knowing that it was not something I enjoyed.
  3. 15 minutes in corner
    • Simply stated, it is humiliating.
  4. 1 day –suspension of right to serve
    • I am a service-oriented submissive.  I find my peace in taking care of my household.  
  5. 4 hours—no kneeling, centering, or sitting on floor
    • Furniture is the Devil, didn’t you know?
  6. 2 hours—no kisses, no hugs, no cuddles
    • I am a tactile human being.  If withheld long enough, I can shut down emotionally.  I chose this as a motivator. Knowing this is in the jar, and never knowing if it will be chosen, helps me think twice about misbehaving.
  7. 3 hours—no talking beyond Yes/No Sir/Ma’am
    • I have a severe phobia of silence.  If there is silence, I will fill it.  I will talk until I’m blue in the face just to avoid such silence.  Having a limitation on that pushes me.
  8. Public Apology in Group/at munch
    • It is hard enough to make amends in private, it is even harder to do it in public.
  9. 30 minutes–Physical Restraint of Dom’s choice
    • Surprises are a great toll in mind-fuckery.
  10. No wearing of cuffs to next munch
    • I have a pair of custom leather cuffs that Master made.  I can wear them to munches and parties. I struggle when they are taken from me.
  11. 1 hour—blindfolded
    • Vulnerability is a good reminder that Master takes care of me and an exercise of trust.
  12. Shine Master’s Boots
    • While I enjoy taking care of Master, when I wrote this, I despised shining shoes.  As that has changed since then, this will more than likely be replaced soon.
  13. 10 minutes—hold coin to wall with nose, no matter what
    • If you have never been tickled within an inch of your life while trying to stay still, you will never know this pain.
  14. 2 days—not allowed to give massages
    • Body worship is a kink of mine.
  15. 24 hours—no licking, no suckling, no sucking
    • I have an oral fixation to the point of addiction.
  16. 20 minutes—sensory deprivation and left alone
    • This is the conquering of a fear while being punished
  17. Handcuffed to furniture during dinner—no service allowed
    • Removal of right to serve is one of my least favorite on this list.  Handcuffing requires someone else to serve me. It is salt to a wound.
  18. 400 lines
    • Death to writing hand.
  19. 3 hours— no skin to skin contact
    • Skin to Skin contact is how I relax and deal with anxiety.  Removal of that comfort helps the lesson stick better.
  20. 10 Smacks—barehanded spanking
    • Still don’t like spankings.
  21. 6 Smacks—with belt
    • I’m pretty sure the sound of a belt through its loops is playing through your head as you read this.  Enough said.
  22. 15 Minutes—Silent treatment from Core
    • Being in a poly relationship, I have three partners.  I refer to them as my “Core.” Silence is a fear. Silence from partners can be unbearable.
  23. 100 lines
    • Don’t worry, my hand cramps fifteen sentences in.
  24. 10 Minutes—nose to wall, no moving–no matter what
    • “No Matter What” implies that Master gets to mess with me in his uniquely Sadistic way while I try to complete my punishment.
  25. 5 Minutes tickle torture
    • I hate being tickled.  Master loves to tickle.
  26. 6 Smacks—Dom’s choice of implements
    • Giving a Sadist choices is an exercise in mind-fuckery.
  27. 30 Minutes—No talking/no signing
    • This is to give me time to reflect within myself’.
  28. 3 Minutes—kneeling on rice
    • Little bullets of death
  29. No bedtime hugs and kisses
    • Removal of tactile affection causes anxiety.  It also makes it more memorable.
  30. 1 work shift—No texting
    • I live by routine due to OCD.  Changing my routine and leaving me in the dark about what is happening at home is an exercise in self-control
  31. 6 Smacks—with crop
    • Done right, the crop makes quite the statement.
  32. 13 Smacks—With Tigger
    • Lastly, is Tigger.  He is reserved for punishment and I feel him even as I write this.  Tigger is exactly as he sounds. He is the character, wearing a birthday hat, on a stick.  He leaves the most beautiful bruises, in the most painful way.

There it is.  A glimpse into my world—my jar.  It sits ever so innocently on the living room shelf, waiting for the signal that I have earned the punishments held within its glass walls.

I dislike failure, as I said before.  I do my best to behave because to do any lest undermines my relationship with Master.  However, I am human, and mistakes happen. Whether Master decides to correct me with punishments from the depths of his imagination or has me draw from my Jar, the point always gets across.

About the Author

My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Is Planning Good Or Bad?

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A little bit about me. I’m approaching my mid-fifties. I had my first exposure to BDSM when I was 16, from a magazine. No pictures, just text.

I’m not a professional writer, but I love sharing my experience. However, I always say, if it works for me doesn’t mean it will work for you. If it doesn’t work for me, it doesn’t mean it won’t work for you. So, I’m happy to share all of my experiences.

This probably is less of interest for people 7*24 in a BDSM lifestyle. `Just because it’s how they live. The article is aimed at people moving from experimenting with BDSM or roleplay with a bit of kink/fetish into a more regular occurrence.

Nothing should ever stop a spontaneous play happening.

I recently read an article on kinkweekly about communication. This very much is a derivative of that.

I will share with you, what I do when I plan a day or a weekend with a submissive. While I’m a switch, when I’m the submissive, I’m submissive and will follow orders.

I realize I had to start some planning after my first ever visit to a professional, commercial BDSM dungeon There is so much there, that if you want to try everything, you will use nothing properly. This is where the use less, but use it more or quality of use over quantity.

I already have a list of role-play scenario’s and persona’s and their dress codes. These are “living lists”, meaning I add, change, delete.

The list below is not exhaustive. Why do I do this? I believe it allows me to get the best experience for my submissive and me. However, when I change my mind I will change scenario’s, dress codes etc. It’s just to give a bit of structure. The most important part I get out of it, is the breaks/downtime. These are very important to me. Recharge, relax, shower, watch some tv, a drink, food, read, chat, cuddle, sleep. Anything is possible in down time. I do this at home as well, as I do have quite some equipment,  but it normally is only one scenario/role-play/dress-code when playing at home.

I write this all down

  • Role-play scenarios
  • Persona’s for me and the submissive
  • Tools, toys and equipment I want to use
  • The outfits the submissive will wear
  • The outfits I will wear
  • The breaks in between plays
  • Anything the submissive would like to experience
  • Food and drink to take
  • I decide if I want the submissive to surprise me
  • I tell the submissive what kind of outfit or clothing items need to provided
  • What kind of punishment. Humiliation, degradation, pain, fear etc.
  • What does the submissive wear travelling to the venue
  • The start. Hard/soft limits, safe words and signs etc

When we arrive at the venue, even if I or we have been there before, I always take the tour. Things may have changed, added, removed.

We never rush into play. When the host is gone, we walk around. This allows the submissive to identify things he/she would want to use, not want to use or try out. We most likely try out certain devices, so we are both comfortable using them.

We talk about what lies ahead. For me it’s equally important the submissive has a say. We have a drink, as quite often the submissive, in my experience, will need to get into the frame of mind. Please remember, this is not a 7*24 lifestyle partnership I’m talking about.

Next is, I’ll go to the bedroom or whatever room is available to prepare the outfits. While I’m doing that, I hand the submissive the paper with scenarios and dress codes for each of the scenarios. It explains that there will be more detailed instructions with the clothes.

Most certainly I will dress in another room, so the submissive doesn’t know what I’m wearing until they see me.

When I come back, I’ll tell the submissive the first outfit or instruction is on the bed. When ready, go and dress. Read the instructions. Then the day starts.

As I said above, this is me sharing my experience. It may or may not work for you. I hope this all makes sense. If it helps you get a better experience, I’m happy.

About the Author

Mid fifties male BDSM Switch. Pan/Sapio-Sexual
Grew up in The Netherlands. I live in London, UK
I was about 16 when I got my first intro, via magazine, text only, into BDSM.
Worked, dated, lived, made friends and enemies in various red light districts around Europe
I’m not a 7*24 lifestyle practician of BDSM. I love variety.
Only recently picked up writing about my experiences and my fantasies/fiction.
Hope that my writing either excites people, helps them, advices them or challenges them.

 

Profiles

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I’ve certainly visited my fair share of dating sites over the years. And I’ve encountered people randomly at munches, or on FetLife, which has led me to scrutinize their profiles that I might, perhaps, get to know them just a tiny bit better. And, friends, I’ve got something I need to tell you…

Y’all’s profile game ain’t what it needs to be. It ain’t what it could be. It ain’t what it should be. I’ve met a great many of you and found you to be friendly, intelligent, charismatic, well-spoken, introspective, and erudite. But when I look at your profiles I see a lot of clumsiness, carelessness, laziness, and lack of attention that you wouldn’t give to your personal appearance on a “jammies, Netflix, and wine” day spent lounging around the house.

So few people seem to have mastered, journeymen-d, or even apprenticed the art of writing a profile that, based strictly on said profiles, I’d have to seriously question the intellectual capacity of the majority of those on dating sites. When the simple expedient of having a profile that’s succinct, informative, entertaining, and typo-free sets you head-and-shoulders above all others, you’d think that more people would put forth the relatively minimal effort required.

It’s kind of a low bar to achieve. Even my own girl, bound and gagged, could probably hop right over it (and isn’t that a sort of vision of kinky loveliness to randomly throw into a column’s opening?).

Yet what I see is a lot of bitching, moaning, kvetching, carping, bellyaching, grizzling, griping, whining, and whinging about all the fakes , charlatans, players, rudeness, inconsiderateness, and general lack of responses they encounter. Meanwhile, the people who’ve figured profiles out are meeting friends, play partners, subs, Doms, slaves, Tops, and more.

So in the interest of making for a generally more open, congenial, charming, and overall friendly online community, I’m offering a bit of a primer along with a few hard-won basic do’s and don’ts for putting together a successful profile, one that the people you’d potentially want to meet will actually read, comprehend, and respond to.

But before we go further a quick note on perfunctory “bookmark profiles”. There are those on FetLife who’re just here out of a vague necessity. They leave them blank intentionally, by design. These’re perfectly valid and serve a very useful purpose for said individuals. But, arguably, they’re the exception which doesn’t prove the rule. This column isn’t really for or about them. Do what thou wilt and get on with your bad self!

I HATE WRITING THESE THINGS

Who are you exactly? While we may spend entirely too much time navel gazing, comparing ourselves against other, silently judging everyone around you, how much time do we actually spend thinking about who we are?

So spend a little time figuring that out. Go for a walk. Drink some wine. Chat with your friends. Meditate. Look at some Internet Porn. Scroll through Facebook. And use that to plant a garden that consist of the essentials of you. Then use those veggies to work up a hearty stew of a profile (I’m not sure where the beef or chicken come from in this analogy… uhm, “It’s a garden in the farm of your psyche”).

You don’t necessarily want to start with the kinky stuff.

What do you do for a living? Is it important to you? What do you do with your free time? Do you have any hobbies? Do you like to drive? To travel? Are you a sneakers and flip flops type, or do you prefer dress shoes? What’s your living situation? Rent or own? Where do you see yourself in five years? Educated or School of Hard Knocks? What does your family do? Who were your people? Are you spiritual or religious?

And then get into the kinky stuff.

What role do you like to play? Or are you a more generalized sort? How long have you been at it? How long have you wanted to be at it? What were your early inclinations? Early formative experiences? What drew you to kink? What’re your interests? What’re your specialities? What do you find intriguing? Is it a dalliance or a lifestyle? Are you a community member or a loner? Do you want to settle down or play the field? How important is kink to your day-to-day?

There are as many questions as stars in the sky. Don’t limit yourself. Be creative. Look at other profiles. Steal! Well, not their profile, but certainly their format or technique.

Look in the mirror. Then write about what you see.

DON’TS

… DON’T make it too long. Nobody wants to wade through all of your accomplishments, background, wants, needs, hopes, dreams, skills, awards, and experience. The KISS principle is in effect: Keep It Simple, Stupid. If you want or need to elaborate, do a separate writing and add a link. Links are astonishingly easy to add on FetLife.

… DON’T overshare. Because too much of a good thing is too much of a good thing. At least until you’ve actually gotten to know someone.

… DON’T start with, “I hate writing these things”. Because it’s boring and cliched. If you hate writing, don’t write it. Go and watch Netflix, drink some craft beer,work on the great American novel, or download some porn instead. Assuredly, nobody cares to engage in the introspection necessary, nor likes actually writing these things, and they don’t want to hear your whining. Which leads to…

… DON’T rant, bitch, and moan. Because nobody wants to hear your ranting, bitching, and moaning. There are television programs, radio shows, books, even movies dedicated to such things. If you must, do it elsewhere.

… DON’T try to portray yourself as other than you are. Because you may feel like most people won’t find you appealing, but you only need to honestly appeal to those people who will.

… DON’T spend too much time talking about what you want. Because nobody comes to your profile looking for a checklist to compare themselves against. Seeing a profile filled with “you musts” is simply a turn off. “I must” move along to the next profile which is, hopefully, better written.

… DON’T trash talk anyone. Because the person reading it is gonna go, “Hmmm… he could trash talk me next!” This of course excludes trash talking about serial killers, mass shooters, and genocidal dictators, because Hitler and Ted Bundy.

… DON’T leave it blank. Because a blank profile says, “I don’t give a shit”. And if you don’t, then why should we? You’re not mysterious, you’re not a closed book, you’re not secretly wizened. You’re lazy and need to make an effort.

… DON’T talk about how you’re “an open book” and “ask me any question”. Because asking questions requires some vague knowledge of a person, and you’re not sharing that. Better to ask, “Do you still beat your wife?” or “Do these jeans make my butt look big?”

… DON’T put the “university warning”, because it’s bullshit, wouldn’t make a difference anyway, and just makes you look clueless. Seriously, how does this thing continue to propagate and why is it still around.

… DON’T lie. Because the truth will always come out. Eventually.

DO’S

… DO make it informative, breezy, and funny. Because people who’re entertained will want to keep reading. Think about who you are, where you are in life, what you bring to the table, and what makes you unique. But always remember the KISS principle.

… DO hit the “return” key a lot. Because nobody wants to wade through a paragraph that’s 20 or 30 sentences long. And always double-space between paragraphs.

… DO make it funny. Because everyone like the funny. And people who don’t take themselves too seriously are the people everyone likes.

… DO tell the truth. Because people appreciate honesty. But not too much honesty. Too much honesty can be as bad as not enough.

… DO tell the truth, even if it’s bad. Because the community, as large as it may seem, is too small for you to hide, so don’t bother trying. Don’t dwell on it, but if you have negative shit, own it. Pobody’s nerfect and trying to pretend that you are is a sure recipe for disaster.

… DO be humble. Because nobody likes a braggart. But at the same time…

… DO list your mad skilz. Because you worked hard on them and people will want to know what you’re good at, what you’re generally focused on. But, again, remember the KISS principle.

… DO put up a userpic. Because that question mark says, “I don’t care”. It doesn’t have to be you, but it should represent you. And have some pics in your gallery that are you as well, but keep them “friends only”. Remember: nobody will condemn you for keeping your face pics private, but friends will want to see you.

Edit: I can understand why someone would want to be on ultra-secret double picture prohibition. But you should still have pics that represent you.

… DO proofread. Because typos really make you look stupid and clueless. And while you’re at it, know your “its” from your “it’s”, your “there” from your “their”, and your “your” from your “you’re”. And always use the Oxford comma.

In summation, take time on your profile. Open a word document. Love it. Craft it. Cherish it. Make it your own. This is you to people who’ve yet to meet you. It’s important to make the best impression you can.

About the Author

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community for over 11 years, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.

Rika’s Lair-Why I Don’t Punish

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Welcome back to Rika’s Lair – a monthly column discussing a practical, no-nonsense approach to adding D/s dynamics to your relationships! I hope you’ve been enjoying “The Lair” as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it. It’s my opportunity to share some thoughts and hopefully stimulate some new ideas! For my first-time readers, I hope you take some time to go back and read my earlier entries, accessible from the links that follow or by clicking on my name in the by-line above.

Just a note, I read, and often respond to, the comments below, so please feel free to ask questions, share your thoughts (even if they’re disagreements), or just say hello!

This month, I was originally going to cover “Being the best submissive you can be”, but over the holidays, I had several conversations regarding the use of punishment in power dynamics and I decided to use this month’s article to share some of those views and get your take on the topic. We’ll come back to being the best submissive you can be in the future, but for now, let’s talk about the use of punishment in D/s dynamics – and in particular, why I choose to avoid it.

I want to start by differentiating Punishment from “Funishment”. Whereas punishment is the infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution, rehabilitation, and/or future deterrence for an offense, “Funishment” is a colloquial term describing the act of punishment as a “kinky fun” activity. In funishment, the act of punishment is regarded as a form of play, and even though the punishments can be quite harsh and painful, they are done as part of a power-based scene, and may not be related to an actual “offense”. In fact, often times in funishment dynamics, submissives are expected to act up to be punished, or are put in “no-win” situations, where punishment is an inevitable outcome.

To be clear, this article is about Punishment, NOT Funishment. Specifically, the use of punishment by a dominant as a means to effect change in the sub’s behavior.

For some folks, punishment is a mandatory aspect of power dynamics. For others, it’s a necessary evil. For others still, it’s not a requirement at all. I fall in the last camp: I do not believe that punishment (or rewards, for that matter) are necessary to maintain healthy, vibrant D/s dynamics. I have found other ways to effect change and to assure that my dynamics align with my preferences as a dominant. I’m not passing judgement on those that choose to punish. I personally don’t punish because I don’t like to, and would rather not, do so. I’m not implying that punishment is wrong or a less-developed form of adjustment, I’m stating that it is not my preference, and therefore, since I’m the dominant, cannot be part of my power dynamics.

There is no question that punishment is an effective, quick, method of motivating behavior change. Link a non-desirable consequence to the offense and the subject will avoid recurrence out of fear of the consequence. It works. It works on all forms of life. We train animals using it. We train our children using it as well.

I see a couple of problems with punishment in a D/s context, however. Most obviously, if the dominant doesn’t enjoy punishing their sub, then having to do so forces them into actions that they don’t feel serve them. It obligates them, which, as we discussed last month, undermines the dominant’s authority. Secondly, it makes the dominant’s life more complicated by having to choose a punishment that fits the crime, will be understood to correct the behavior, is enacted in a timely manner, and will be undesirable enough that the submissive won’t actually WANT the punishment as a means to bolster their feeling of submission.

This last point is far more complicated than you may think. There are people who say that you need to pick a punishment that the sub hates, so that they are not tempted to misbehave in order to get it. This is true in most normal situations; however, it’s very different in consensual power dynamics. I have found that anything that the sub accepts – that in normal life they would not accept – because they are the submissive in a dynamic, is going to appeal to the submissive and fortify the fantasy. It’s going to make the dominant appear more powerful in the sub’s eyes and play to the “do me when I’m helpless” mindset. Even if the sub hates the activity of the punishment, they will love the fact that they are obligated by the power dynamic to accept it. Remember, these are consensual roles; subs have free will to leave the dynamic at any time. By choosing to stay in it, even while being punished in a way they hate, they are acknowledging and reinforcing their lack of power and position. Consequently, the more difficult the punishment they are “forced” to endure and the less they enjoy the punishment, the more realistic the power feels and the more submissive the sub feels. The result is, punishment, in D/s dynamics, rewards disobedience! This is why “Funishment” is enjoyable: It builds the feeling of submission and dominance by re-affirming consensual submission. As a means of effecting actual behavioral change, however, rewarding disobedience is a risky approach.

It’s interesting to note why punishment (and reward) does work for animals and children. Animals innately learn from experience. They understand “cause and effect”, but are incapable of understanding the nuances of commitment, integrity, dedication, and submission. Children have not yet developed the maturity to handle these cerebral concepts and therefore, cannot be reasoned with in this way. For animals and children, you have little alternative to cause and effect when encouraging behavioral adjustments. With adult submissives, however, you do have alternatives. Adult submissives can provide SELF discipline and introspection. They can reason and adjust without the “game” of cause and effect.

Submissives aren’t perfect. They make mistakes, they get things wrong. They need adjustment. In my previous article, we talked about CERAF (Communication, Expectation, Recognition, Assessment, and Feedback). Those last two steps (Assessment and Feedback) are all about giving the submissive enough information to enable them to make the adjustments necessary to up their game and deliver better service.

Punishment can enable adjustment quickly, but I find it not to be as effective as assessment and feedback in the long run. For long-termed dynamics, I find punishment inefficient and sub-optimal.

Here’s what I do instead: When one of my subs does something that isn’t serving me to my liking, I set out to determine his intent. If his intent was to disobey my directives and ignore my authority, then we have to talk – and talk fast. I’m going to spend the time to dive in. I want to understand the reason for him failing to live up to his commitment. I won’t allow him to continue to submit to me if he’s going to act this way – so for both of our sake, I want to understand the root cause and squash it before it gets to the level where I have to take action. Punishment might work, but addressing the root cause is more permanent, less “artificial”, and broader in scope than the one particular infraction. Addressing the root cause not only corrects the infraction, but it will correct any future infractions that are related.

If the root cause is that he just wants punishment, wants to control the dynamic, or wants a sub- centered focus, we have to consider whether we want the dynamic to continue or not. I won’t waste my time with a sub who won’t submit. However, it’s also possible that he might be feeling neglected, or not be getting feedback that I’m involved and active in our dynamic. He might be acting up unintentionally, because he’s feeling alone. If I know what he’s feeling I may be able to adjust my

communications to assure him that I am involved and active – and that he’s not alone in his head with the D/s dynamic.

I also consider that, if his intent was to serve, but he just failed to deliver (forgot, got sloppy, was human OMG), then what good is punishment, anyway? It will only stress him to have to worry that if he is human again, he’s going to punished. I would rather try to help him avoid the problem in the future. If he’s forgetful, I will help him to work on ways to improve his memory – mnemonics, routines, practice. If he’s failing at something that requires skills he doesn’t possess, then I’ll help him get training, make room for practice time, and provide opportunities for repetition. I prefer a positive approach aimed at helping him to help himself deliver the best level of service of which he is capable – by improving his ability to deliver, rather than playing on his fears and avoidance of punishment.

Lastly, I’ve found that people tend to do the minimum required to avoid punishment. Avoiding punishment becomes the measure of “good enough” – Good enough is not what I’m looking for from my submissives. Contrast this with pride in good service, which tends to make people go beyond ‘good enough’ and impact far more than is being asked. Personally, I want to actively help my sub to take pride in his abilities as a submissive. I want submission to be an enjoyable activity that he strives to be great at – rather than something he stresses over because he fears the consequences of not performing adequately.

THEN I can beat his ass…just for fun 😊

Would love to hear your opinion!

– Rika.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Gag Primer Part 2

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Cleave gags, by and large, simply don’t work.

Try it yourself. Tie a strip of cloth in your mouth (or your girl’s) and see how easy it is to work it out, no matter how tightly you tie it. As an added challenge, place a cloth or ball in the mouth first, then tie it in place with a cloth. If it takes you more than 90 seconds to spit it out then I’d argue you have the sort of lantern jaw that takes chunks out of doorways.

Suffice it to say that cleave gags can be fun for photos, videos, or role-playing, but as an actual effective gag you’re much better off utilizing the next gag on the list: the ballgag.

Ah, the ballgag. It’s ubiquitousness in BDSM makes it almost as much an icon of kinky fuckery as handcuffs (perhaps moreso, as many people brandish cuffs as a way of demonstrating alleged sexual badassery). And there’s a reason for that. Simply put, a ballgag is one of the fastest, easiest, and most effective way to remove someone’s power of speech.

At its most elementary level, a ballgag is simply a rubber ball with a strap or cord through the middle. Once placed in someone’s mouth and secured they can’t push it out, can’t close their mouth, and can’t speak very well. How much speech is muffled depends on the size of the ball in relation to the size of the victim’s mouth. Ideally the ball should pop in such that they can open their mouth only a tiny bit more than the ball itself. But few people in my experience can manage this for more than a few minutes, if at all.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. There are as many types of ballgags as there are restraints (perhaps more) and I could spend an entire column simply going over them. So I’ll just try and hit the highlights.

You can acquire a “beginner ballgag” at your friendly neighborhood WalMart. Start at sporting goods where you’ll find a bag of practice golf balls (essentially tiny Wiffle balls) for a few dollars. Then head over to men’s shoes and pick up some shoelaces (I recommend leather bootlaces). Thread a lace through a ball, place in your girl’s mouth, secure in back and, voilà, she’s ballgagged. With the added advantage that it’s breathable since it’s full of all those holes.

Once you’ve tried that and liked it, you’ll want to upgrade. Sure you could just get a rubber ball and drill a hole through it, but maybe just invest in the real thing. I’d recommend sticking with medical grade silicone, as it doesn’t have a “taste”, and is easy to clean, particularly if it has a removeable latex strap. You can even put it in the dishwasher, which is a good idea if you want to use it with more than a single person.

I always recommend Longwatcher over at Pleasure Paradox. He has an infinite variety of shapes, sizes, and colors. He’s also the go-to guy for the porn industry.

Of course some people don’t like the thick strap on either side of their mouth. For them there’s what I know as the “European-style” ballgag. You’ll recognize it as, rather than a hole, it has two long appendages coming out of either side to which the strap is then attached. I’ve seen this in both a silicone and rubber version. The former has a disadvantage in that it’s stretchy and easy to push out.

Sizing a ballgag is extremely important, as you want one large enough to be effective, but not so large that it causes agonizing pain.  Most places start out with the one-and-a-half-inch ball and also have a “large”, which is a one-and-three-quarter-inch ball. Then you’ll find places that go up to massive two-and-a-half-inch balls. In general, start small and work your way up.

You can also find padded leather ballgags out there, and some of them are very nice. However they can be difficult, if not impossible, to clean so I’m not a fan.

Next we have panel gags, which has a flat “panel” which goes over the mouth and straps to hold it around and sometimes over the head. Inside the panel is a mouth obstruction of some sort, often a ball but, in the case of one of our personal favorite gags, a short silicone penis.

These can be appealing to those of us raised on the old-style “detective” magazine gags which consisted of a cloth tied over the mouth and tied at the back of the neck. While those were comically ineffective, most panel gags are very effective. And the harness ones look pretty sexy as well.

Before we move onto open mouth gags, a quick detour towards bit gags. Like most gags they look pretty hot and are available in a variety of materials and sizes. All of them are essentially a large stick with is placed into-and-across the mouth, held in place by straps attached to either end, and buckling behind the neck (and sometimes over the head). I don’t quite qualify them as gags as… well… as gags they kind of suck. They don’t muffle speech so much as distort it.

The majority of bit gags I’ve encountered are attached to large rings on either side and are generally intended for pony players of one stripe or another. We’ve got a few in our collection but they don’t get much, if any, use. But I wouldn’t necessarily dismiss them out of hand; it could be your thing.

Next, we have the ultimate in open-mouth gags; the O-ring, dental, or spider-gags. These are designed to keep the mouth open that… things… can be done to a girl which she has no control over stopping (with her explicit consent always, of course). While these are similar to bit gags in that they distort speech moreso than muffle it, I include them in that they do involve a lot of gagging on the part of the girl wearing them.

Just to be certain we’re on the same page here, when the gal’s mouth is forced open by the gag, the assumption is typically is that a gentleman’s penis will be placed in there for her helpless ministrations.

Anyway…

Most are made of metal, although plastic ones do exist; I don’t recommend them. If they break you’ll have sharp edges poking into the inside of the mouth… involuntary blood play! Some, but not all, of the metal ones come wrapped in some form or padding, either thin strips of leather-or-foam, or a rubber coating of tool dip. If they don’t already have it, I’d recommend doing it yourself. The tooth-on-metal contact could well result in tooth chipping or even breakage. Ouch!

As to the different types, the O-ring is the most self-explanatory, as it’s a simple ring of metal in a variety of sizes. It’s been my experience that these are relatively easy to push out, although I suppose a large enough one wedged into someone’s mouth would be more difficult to remove… and painful to wear as well.

The spider gag is similar to the O-ring but has two triangular appendages on either side, bent so as to come out of the mouth and around the cheeks, then strapped down. They’re quite a bit more difficult for a girl to push out.

Finally there’s the dental gag. This is a set of two ratcheted-opening clamps connected by crossbars, designed to keep an unconscious patient’s mouth open for dental surgery. With the added strap for security that’s little chance of her closing that mouth until you’re ready.

The final gag I’ll cover is the inflatable pump gag, an advanced play toy if ever there was one (never mind because even the cheap ones are expensive). This is a panel-type gag which has an inflatable latex balloon on the inside, and  a hose attached outside to one of those tiny hand bladders on the end of a blood pressure cuff. Simply put, you strap it onto girl, then pump it up until her mouth is entirely filled.

As I’m certain you can see, the potential danger is that the inflatable balloon can easily exceed the capacity of the mouth to accept it. Gagging and choking is a real danger. I honestly can’t recommend this gag unless both partners really know what they’re doing. Even then let your girl do try first by herself, untied. Because, let’s say it again, “Vomiting when your mouth is full of gag is hazardous to your life”.

I could go on-and-on about dozens of other types of gags, and even share some amusing anecdotes resulting from intentionally misunderstood gagtalk, but you don’t want to read all that. Get out there and gag your girl! You’ll both be glad you did.

About the Author

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community for over 11 years, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.

Drop and Aftercare

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The situation I want to discuss is often referred to as sub-drop. It can be very unsettling to have had a really good scene with someone, have a lovely chat with them afterwards, give each other a hug, only to find out that the next day they are feeling really low. Having had a lovely night, they are now feeling sad, even upset, often without being able to put their finger on exactly why.

I want to explore how we can prepare for, and best support our play-partners when this happening. However, better than a cure is prevention so first we shall look at good aftercare practices which can help mitigate the risk of sub-drop occurring at all.

Our responsibility extends beyond just the actions of play. If we think of our scene as taking our partner on a journey then it is also our responsibility to bring them all the way back.

Aftercare can take a few forms, broken down here into a number of steps. Be aware though that individuals may have different things they really like, or really hate, as such I would suggest that aftercare feature in your pre-scene negotiation. Better to talk it through than just try and wing it. There are people I do not play with because I know the aftercare they will need is not aftercare I can provide. So while some aftercare activities are unique there are some rather common activities which are certainly worth knowing.

Safe space

Once a scene is over the first step is often making sure the bottom knows the scene is over. It is hard to help anyone start to relax if they don’t know that the scene has ended. Some play has a very clear end point, some does not. There is no harm in letting our partner know a scene is over, and often highlighting that they have done really well. No one can start to relax if they are waiting for the next strike of a flogger. As you are unstrapping them from the cross or taking off a blindfold just whisper to them that they have done well, that they are safe now, you are satisfied with them, whatever phrase will properly communicate that they are entering a safe space where you will take care of them.

Don’t underestimate the power of a blanket

After a scene it is not uncommon for the bottom to feel cold, even to the point of physically shaking. A large blanket can be an incredibly welcome sight after a long scene. If the bottom likes physical contact then a blanket and a hug, and if they don’t want physical contact then snuggling in a blanket alone is still enough to warm them up. This is where negotiating aftercare in advance can be so valuable, you never want to unknowingly make them feel uncomfortable while trying to offer care.

Keep them sweet

Now they are warm and feel safe the next step is often getting some sugar into them. If you already know their preference then some sweets or chocolate in your kit bag is often a good idea, also a sugary drink (not diet) is a quick and easy way to perk them up again. Make sure you know about any food issues before trying to feed them anything, at the time they might well not be in a fit state to express any dietary requirements or allergies.

Time is relative

All of this it can just be a matter of time. Some people bounce right back and will be full of energy afterwards. Others might need taking home and a good nights sleep. Most will fall somewhere in the middle. Let them direct the timing, check in on them, ask them if they need anything, then just let them relax as long as they need to.

Take it to the extreme

More extreme play, especially those which involve piercing of the skin or severe bruising, may involve a physical recovery time. You should know what will help with this recovery, how to keep a wound clean, or a bruise heal, and communicate this information, even to the point of making sure that instructions are being followed over time.

Drop the beat

Lets now explore what sub-drop is. I have seen it happen after intense physical play scenes, as well as after purely psychological scenes. There is no simple A causes B scenario when it comes to sub-drop. Some people always drop, some people think they never do. It isn’t their responsibility to not drop or to always know when they will, it is our responsibility to prepare.

Our first step should always be maintaining contact and to highlight that we are contactable. If we don’t have clear lines of communication then we cannot gauge how our partner is doing. It is often the case that those we play with have lives to go back to, Saturday and Sunday might be all about play, kink and fun, but Monday is back to work. Following up on people we play with should become habit.

Sub drop has often been described to me as falling back into the real world from the endorphin high of kink. For some people the escape from responsibility is their chance to have a release from the stress of ordinary life. It can be hard going back to the complexities of the real world from the simplicity of just being able to obey and have someone else make the choices. That, unfortunately, we cannot change.

The reality of sub-drop is there is often not much we can practically do, especially if we can only offer support at a distance, in the case of a casual play partner perhaps. Sometimes all we can do is reach out, and if our play partner is feeling down we can only reassure them that it is okay and it will pass. Talking is the best cure here, and you should keep it in ready supply for them.

Top drop

Having spoken about how to care for bottoms who drop it might be tempting to think tops are immune, but we most certainly are not. The post play drop can happen to us to. I have had days after a big weekend scene when I felt really low, and I didn’t know what was happening. I tried to look around and find something to hang those feelings on, to work out why I felt low. Something must have gone wrong, the scene must have been bad, I wasn’t very good at what I did, etc…

We need to take care of ourselves and learn how we work. Know what your drop is, and how to manage it. Ignoring it, trying to just push through it, doesn’t actually help. No one is awarding dom points for being a big, tough sadist who doesn’t need a hug. So be honest when you feel you need comfort, tell a friend when you are feeling down, remember that on Monday you are also having to adjust back to the real world.

Stay Connected

For some of us kink is the only time we can let extremely important parts of our personality out. Maybe only once every few months do we get to really let ourselves go. Top or bottom, it doesn’t matter, it is about being free and wholly ourselves in a way we normally cannot, regardless of the end of the whip we are on.

Consider all the effort that goes into holding that kinky part in, the tense coil that is the naughty, socially unacceptable part of our personality. The bit that likes to feel helpless, or make people cry, the aching desire to be ground underfoot, or spit on someone’s face. That tension has to be released at times, but then we have to coil it back up. While most of that has to be done by ourselves it can really help to know you are not alone.

Reach out to the partner you played with, see how they are doing, let them know they are good, that you had fun and that you are there for them. Whatever naughty things we are doing with each other we should always care; before, during and after.

About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.
https://fetlife.com/users/2976273

When A Dom Is Down

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So many people see Dom’s (I use this term to cover generally all of the Top persuasion) as indestructible men and women who have total control over everything they do and that nothing can get to them. Yet in reality it couldn’t be further from the truth.

At the end of the day Dom’s are only human too. The same things that can bring down ‘normal’ people, can have just as much of effect on them. Often at times though, they are just better at hiding it. I know I am, my poker face game is strong!

Yet it’s ok to let things get to you. It is ok to say, especially to your Sub, that you need some support. Someone to tell you things will be ok. That you’re worth it and doing a good job. A simple kind word or hug from your Sub does wonders.

Asking for help and support in times of need, is a show of strength, not weakness.

Being a Dom, especially with a Sub to care for, can be a lot of work. It takes a lot of effort. There are times where you will question yourself, doubt yourself. There are times when your head may overthink the smallest things. At the end of the day though you need to trust yourself. Trust in your Sub. Trust in the relationship you are in.

I have mentioned in previous writings about just how strong the connection is with my FunUnicorn. What I haven’t said enough though, is just how much strength she both gives and shows me.

I’m not sure if she knows how much her words mean to me at times. Perhaps I should tell her more. I’m pretty simple to please at times and hearing that I’m valued, or what I mean to her, does wonders for me and my mind set.

What I do know, is because of the bond and the honest, open communication we have, we can say anything at all to each other. I know that I can go to her and tell her I’m down and she will pick me up and give me strength.

It is ok for a Sub to support their Dom in the times when they are down. And it’s ok for a Dom to lean on their Sub when needed.

If you can manage to get your d/s relationship to this point, where there is no dominant ego, just respect, love, understanding and support, believe me, your relationship will be amazing.

Those times when you’re down, won’t seem nearly as bad either.

About the Author

Having privately been a Dom for a little over 10 years, it is just in the last couple of years that Wgtn_Dom has stepped out of the shadows and become more involved in the Wellington and New Zealand BDSM and kink scene.

He loves to share the knowledge that he has gained over the years, with anyone who cares to listen or read his writings! But is also a sucker for gaining further knowledge himself and is always keen to learn more about all aspects of BDSM and kink.

While by no means an erotic writer, he does enjoy putting in writing some of his erotic thoughts or sharing some of his adventures he gets up to with his beautiful submissive.

He also enjoys sharing his thoughts and personal insight about various topics on Fetlife and welcomes any and all feedback on whatever he may jot down. Feel free to follow him there too under Wgtn_Dom.

Sorry Should Be The Hardest Word To Say

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Model: Domina Mara
Taken by: Domina Mara

Disclaimer: This but one person’s opinion/perspective in the community. What this writer is describing still falls within SSC (safe, sane, consensual). He is not describing anything non-consensual. Before the practices he is describing take affect the submissive must consent to said terms and protocols. Please note this when reading this article.

I often write about words, single words. I enjoy burrowing down into their meanings, how and why we use them, what effect they have on people. Words have a power and a depth we often miss in day to day. We may be primed to explore them at a poetry reading, or when listening to a song, but we often forget their depth in casual conversation.

For this article I have chosen a word I have long felt was underestimated, the humble Sorry. We hear it in so many situations; Sorry, I didn’t mean to, sorry, I forgot, sorry, that was a mistake…

Sorry can be an immensely powerful word, and as many of us have kinks which veer so strongly towards the consensual inequality of power in a relationship we need to pay very close attention to those words I refer to as power words. I define power words as those words and phrases which carry with them a limited number of social acceptable responses. Sorry is a word that triggers a limited range of acceptable responses; ideally of acceptance and then either direct forgiveness, or consequence then forgiveness.

However, if it is used callously, sorry can be abused and lose its meaning entirely. It is our responsibility as tops in D/s dynamics to safeguard the importance of the word.

Make it mean something

Ideally in a D/s dynamic the person who is sorry takes a submissive position, expressing their weakness or failure and requesting that it be forgiven. If the expression of sorry is said with an assumption of forgiveness then the person saying it is using it rather as a method of absolving themselves from the repercussions of their action, rather than placing themselves genuinely in the position of submission.

We, as the top, are responsible for continuing to give the word sorry meaning. Our response to the use of sorry is what gives it value.

As a top it can be very hard when they say sorry, and you know they really mean it, to not respond with instant forgiveness. The big, tearful eyes that tell you they really are sorry, that they never wanted to fail. Even harder than not immediately forgiving them is not even letting them say sorry, but that is exactly what I am advocating. I am going to suggest that you do something emotionally very difficult here, and please do remember I am only sharing my philosophy, it may not work exactly this way for all of you.

With that said here is my advice:

Do not even let them say sorry until you say that they can. Even more than that, punish them if they say sorry without permission.

Say it when I say you can

It can be the hardest thing to not let them say sorry, to delay that apology and the forgiveness that shall follow. However you have to, if this is the path you have chosen to take you have to be strong in it. You have to be the unwavering figure of authority, in you the stability and safety of the rule governed relationship resides. So tell them you know they are sorry, that you will let them say sorry, but not yet. The rules you have set, and the security those rules provide, are more important.

By controlling the access to apology and forgiveness we also emphasis the dreaded power of failure. Failing so badly that they will need to say sorry is its own punishment, there is no easy solution to their failing. Not only is forgiveness yours to give, but even the right to apologize is controlled by you.

I break an apology down into a number of steps. First, sit with them and have them explain to you why they want permission to say sorry? What is it they wish to be forgiven for? Have them tell you what they have done, and why it is wrong. Make them understand that if they wish to say sorry it shall only be after the punishment, in whatever form it takes.

It should be clearly understood that the permission to apologize will only be granted after the punishment, they don’t even have the right to say sorry until you have punished them for their mistake. Then they can say sorry and have the catharsis of forgiveness directly.

We grant the right to use such a powerful word, we control their ability to express their sorrow

and allow it only at our direction. We are choosing what happens when our partner wants to apologize, how they will be allowed to do and if they will be allowed to. Even when all of that is done there is another step, we need to think about how we punish them.

Make sure the punishment doesn’t fit the crime

In ordinary life sorry might be accepted in one case without greater consideration, and in the second not. Spilling coffee on a stranger might mean nothing, or might result in a shouting match. This makes sorry an inconstant word, who’s weight is unknown when uttered. We can provide it with a constancy by taking control of the use of the word and its consequences. There is a comfort in knowing where you stand and what consequences there shall be. So if rather than sorry being something they can just say with unknown consequences, change it and give it a constancy of meaning, or consequence. We can do this by letting them know there will always be a punishment.

We live in a society with a concept of proportional response. Any consequence should be proportional to the act. We are taught that failings, crimes, mistakes are ranked on some sort of cosmic scale of moral righteousness. As such all punishments should fit the crime, they should be proportional.

The risk to making the punishment fit the crime is that we allow our partners to, consciously or unconsciously, to run risk/benefit analysis. Is a certain action worth the 10 strikes of a cane? It provides an unconscious ranking of rules, not sitting on a sofa is less important than not making permanent physical changes without permission. Because one results in a talking to and the other in 500 lashes. Of course one seems more important than the other, perhaps the first even seems trivial in comparison.

I prefer for it to be understood that if they have done something bad enough that they need to say sorry it will be a straight 100 lashes. It doesn’t matter how great or small the transgression, the simple act of having done something which actually requires an apology is enough. There are no small failings when it comes to my rules, because there are no small rules. In this situation the rules cannot be ranked, a risk benefit analysis cannot be done, because any rule that is broken will result in the same punishment.

Other punishments may be laid on top of that as well if required, however, in my experience, if it is something they are truly sorry for then the act of having to sit, explain themselves, and beg to be allowed to say sorry is enough to reduce them to tears as it is.

The catharsis of forgiveness follows the punishment, and they don’t get the punishment unless they are going to be immediately forgiven. In this way the punishment is something to look forward, as they know that they won’t be punish if you are unwilling to let them say sorry and forgive them immediately afterwards.

Learn what it actually means

As always there is a second layer to kink, if we want there to be. In my D/s dynamic this training extends to teaching my partner what is actually their responsibility. I have seen far too many people who apologize for things that are not their fault. It is a deeply unfortunate truth that too many people have been taught to take responsibility for things that are not actually their fault, sorry my friend was drunk, sorry that someone else did a thing…

When our partners are no longer just allowed to say sorry but rather have to explain why they want permission to say sorry they are forced to think. This means they have to consider why they feel the need to say sorry for things that may well not be their fault.

My partner has had to learn that she cannot apologize for things that are not her fault. If she says sorry without permission she has broken a rule and it is a straight 100 lashes. If she wants to say sorry she has to ask permission to say sorry, which I will challenge. If she has asked to say sorry for something that isn’t her fault I will lead her through the situation and help her to understand that it isn’t her fault before finally telling her that she cannot say sorry to me.

Say it like you mean it

In my experience kink happens in the mind first of all, and the more we play in that domain the hotter and kinkier we can get. Taking control of what their words mean and even when they are allowed to be used can be very rewarding to both parties.

As with many aspects of D/s kink we can choose to restrict it to specific times and places. Use titles only when alone, collars only at kink clubs, but manners of behavior often stretch far beyond just a scene. Taking control of language and superseding social norms with our own structures is far more than a causal scene, and if that is what you want to explore then you need to take your time and plan what you are doing very carefully. If you do take that time, plan your actions, consider the reasons for your rules, you will be rewarded with a rich D/s dynamic where control is enforced more with language than with the crop.

About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.
https://fetlife.com/users/2976273

Be Aware When Your Sub Spaces Hard

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Photo by slave boy julia (sjstudio1.com)

As a Dom, you’re looked at and expected to always be in control no matter what, and that you’re managing everything within a scene. It’s a lot of hard work as many will acknowledge. I know a couple of Sub’s, my FunUnicorn included, who after being allowed to top for a few hours/a night promptly gave that control straight back with a swift “Fuck that!” due to the stress they felt to make sure everything was right and under control.

It is tough work and gets even tougher when a Sub enters subspace. I’m sure many are aware of the term and this writing isn’t to explain it, there’s plenty of other writings that do that. But I just want to bring people’s attention especially new Dom’s, something to think on. As a Dom can you manage yourself in the times when she goes deep into subspace? The level when they can no longer speak and their mind and ability to communicate is very much elsewhere? Do you have control of yourself?

It takes a lot of trust for a Sub to be able to let themselves go this much. To relax and trust enough to subspace so deeply and further than most. To get to a point where a Dom could literally do anything they like to a Sub and they wouldn’t try to stop them, or at times can even go so far as to encourage them for more. Often when it gets to this point it can be hard to communicate effectively and know what is going on with a Sub too. Safe words can go out the window. It is in these moments you really need the most control as a Dom. To be able to asses and take in all that is going on. This is not about you in these times, but all about your Sub.

For myself I took a long time just getting to know FunUnicorn, even before we first played together. So much so that once, even in a very early scene together, I could tell something wasn’t right and that we needed to stop instantly. Without sounding arrogant, I’m very observant, but in this scene I picked up quickly what something was wrong, even in the middle of fucking her hard. She was spacing so hard that she didn’t even know what was happening to her own body. But it did bring home to me that Dom’s always need to be alert to what is going on, at all times. You need to be able to stop at ANY second if something is wrong.

The key is to know when they are starting to or have dropped that deep. Always keep communicating with them. If you don’t get a intelligent reply, know the signs she gives off. Terms like “Use me Sir”, “Give me more Sir”, “Please don’t stop” are often what a Dom strives to hear. However if that is all they are able to get out, or it comes out almost chant like, then don’t take it as an invitation to go harder or to do what you like. Continue by all means, but only if you have taken into account everything that is going on, you know your Sub is safe and doing anything further is in HER best interests. There is a fine line between between further pleasure and abuse at that point.

Remember communication, be it verbal or other is still key and as a Dom your Sub’s safety should still be your number one concern. Sometimes that does mean stopping when she is begging for more. I freely admit at certain times this has been tough to do, as we have both been enjoying the space we get into so much. Other times she has even been frustrated that I have stopped, at least until she comes back from deep space to real time and realised it was actually for the best. Once they have regained their senses too it is always good to communicate why things were stopped and what was going on. They will need to hear these words from you and that you did it in their best interests.

So strive to get your sub to a deeper subspace, but be aware at all times. You need to show and prove you are the Dom she knows and trusts. The benefits to this show of strength, knowledge of your Sub and ability to care are amazing, trust me.

About the Author

Having privately been a Dom for a little over 10 years, it is just in the last couple of years that Wgtn_Dom has stepped out of the shadows and become more involved in the Wellington and New Zealand BDSM and kink scene.

He loves to share the knowledge that he has gained over the years, with anyone who cares to listen or read his writings! But is also a sucker for gaining further knowledge himself and is always keen to learn more about all aspects of BDSM and kink.

While by no means an erotic writer, he does enjoy putting in writing some of his erotic thoughts or sharing some of his adventures he gets up to with his beautiful submissive.

He also enjoys sharing his thoughts and personal insight about various topics on Fetlife and welcomes any and all feedback on whatever he may jot down. Feel free to follow him there too under Wgtn_Dom.