Article - Slave Bunny

Interview with Kirsten from Chronic Sex

September 17, 2018 By slave_bunny 4 Comments

Can you tell us a little about your background? How did you get involved in this line of work?

I’ve been disabled/chronically ill since I was five years old. Throughout high school, I was that friend who would go with friends to Planned Parenthood and talk to them about their sex lives or being risk-aware.

How did Chronic Sex come about?

In college, I studied world religions, history, and politics while writing a blog about what it was like to be invisibly disabled. After a few years of writing, organizations and companies got interested in what I was saying. I would occasionally write about how my health was affecting my sex life – those posts continue to get a good amount of traffic. In 2015, I went to a conference where Lucky Tomazeck of Tool Shed Toys talked about sex education. At this conference, I was really surprised to learn how much people didn’t know about chronic illness and disability regarding sex. Because of the lack of information out there, I started Chronic Sex later that year.

What is Chronic Sex’s mission statement? How does Chronic Sex go about accomplishing this?

The Chronic Sex tagline is ‘because sexuality doesn’t depend on ability.’ I really want CS to be a resource for people to learn more about disability, sexuality, relationships, and more. I believe that sex (at least in part) is about how we treat ourselves and others. With this being said, a big part of what I talk about is self-love and self-care. While most of the work is on the site, I also host the Chronic Sex podcast and social media chats about these topics when I’m not traveling to host workshops or trying to learn how to rest.

How does your work relate to kink?

I’m a bit of a newbie with kink. That said, I think there’s something to be gained from learning with someone as they document their journey. By sharing how kink helps with my chronic pain, I’ve been able to inspire other people to try kink out to see if it’s something that might help them.

Is kink a part of your life? If so, has it helped you in any way?

It’s a big part of my life, but not in a conventional way. A conference I went to had a kink exhibition that I was really interested in attending. I wound up spending a lot of time at the impact play station. After being flogged, caned, and whipped, one of my chronic pain conditions – fibromyalgia – stopped being so painful. At this time, I was in the middle of a flare-up (or a period of exacerbated/worsened symptoms) and was in so much pain that it hurt to wear clothing. After the impact play at the conference, I had complete relief for about six weeks and have had lesser symptoms since getting a flogger myself.

What are your goals going forward with combining your personal life and/or Chronic Sex with kink/kink education?

The biggest thing I want to do is show just how helpful kink can be. For me, it can be super sexy and fun or something I schedule into my week as a part of my pain management plan. I’ve met so many other people who use kink as a form pain management or even like therapy as well. In short, I want to help the lift the stigma surrounding kink.

How has being queer affected your worldview?

It’s helped me to become much more of an activist. I understand things like privilege and marginalization so much better because of the interactions of my identities such as queer and disabled. Most of all, it’s helped me find my people. There is nowhere else I’d rather be than with my queer and disabled pals. We get each other in ways no one else can, and also can help others understand us better when we work together.

To you, what does being queer mean? How does it differ from other identifiers in the LGBTQ Community?

Being queer isn’t just a sexual orientation. If I were to specifically name my sexuality, I would say that I am pansexual (or that gender doesn’t factor into who I’m attracted to). I’m genderfluid. That means that I’m non-binary and don’t really have a specific gender expression (or dress masculine versus feminine). To me, being queer encompasses not only both of those identities, but also my disabilities and politics. As someone who isn’t happy to hide my identities for the comfort of others, I tend to be happy subverting the system and making people question their assumptions.

Do you believe that there is a known overlap between the LGBTQ Community and Kink Community? If so, what is the overlap? What about for the Disabilities Community?

Absolutely! I think there are a lot of people who don’t necessarily think about these overlaps or realize they exist – but they do. If someone has a chronic illness, that can be considered a disability depending on how they identify. That means someone with asthma, autoimmune illnesses, or cancer might call themselves disabled. I would say that it’s relatively impossible that someone doesn’t know a kinkster who could be disabled. The same definitely goes for the LGBTQ+ community.

Do you find that a decent amount of individuals with disabilities are also interested in kink and BDSM? If so, how can the Kink Community make kink and BDSM more accessible to them?

There are definitely a lot of us who are disabled and into kink. A few things to keep in mind:
– Not all disabilities are visible.
– Accessibility needs can include wheelchair access, low/no-scent policy, and being mindful of allergies among many other things.
– Don’t make assumptions about a person’s ability to consent to something without having a conversation with them. Many disabled people wind up being infantilized or made to feel like a child. Part of this is due to the assumption that we don’t engage in kink or that we’re automatically asexual. Many of us are, but many of us are proud and queer and kinky sluts too.

What is your personal motto? How does your work in sex education and writing reflect this?

My motto is ‘Do no harm but take no shit.’ It plays into how I interact with everything in the world. Is X company promoting ableism (discrimination against disabled peeps), other bigotry, or harmful misinformation? If so, I’m going to call it out and point out the issues with it.

What would you say is your greatest goal at large? How do you want to go about accomplishing this?

I want people to know that they’re worthy of having amazing relationships and mind-blowing sex no matter what disabilities they have and/or challenges they face! So often many of us forget this due to self-esteem or other issues. Once we realize we deserve more, we can work towards getting that.

What new projects/endeavors are you currently working on? How will these benefit the communities at large?

One thing I’m working on at the end of this summer is a literature review of research around kink and chronic pain. There is some out there, but it’s not easily accessible. I’m hoping that pulling information together will help more people gain access and start thinking of kink outside of the box. I’m also hoping it leads to lessening the stigma around kink as well as giving other disabled pals an idea of something that might help them.

Why do you feel that sex education is so imperative? What do you feel needs to be talked about more?

I feel like a big part of it is that we need to normalize sex – and not just sex, but good sex. Despite all that I know about sex, I still find myself falling into ideas like it’s normal to have painful sex – and it isn’t. The more we talk about sex and dispel the misinformation around it, the more we can take steps to have better sex – and take care of ourselves.

In your opinion, what is the biggest stereotype concerning sex, kink, LGBTQ, disabilities, etc. that needs to be dispelled?

The biggest thing that goes across all of these categories is that it’s never okay to assume things about others. Someone who is queer may not love to wear rainbow gear. A disabled person may not ‘look’ like they’re disabled. Kinksters might be goths or soccer moms. The only way we can learn about other people is through communication- not judgment based on appearances.

Any closing thoughts?

I’m so grateful to be able to share these ideas and what I’m working on. Hopefully, people find something helpful within it!

About Kirsten

Kirsten Schultz is a sex educator and writer. Through their work as a queer disability activist, they have earned a reputation for tearing down barriers while mindfully causing constructive trouble. They know how hard it can be to live a full life while dealing with health issues, so that’s why they work most closely with people living with chronic illness or disability, helping them to rediscover their lives after diagnosis.

Kirsten has worked with organizations all around the world, including Healthline, Pfizer, and the Arthritis Foundation. In addition, their work has been featured in articles from publications such as US News, Broadly, HelloFlo, Bustle, and Everyday Health.

Kirsten holds an MS in Healthcare Administration from Utica College. You can learn more about them and their work at chronicsex.org and on Twitter @chronicsexchat.

Links:

www.chronicsex.org – Chronic Sex

kirstenschultz.org – writing site

facebook.com/chronicallysexy – Chronic Sex on Facebook

twitter.com/chronicsexchat – Chronic Sex on Twitter

instagram.com/chronic_self_love – Chronic Sex on Instagram

pinterest.com/chronicsex – Chronic Sex on Pinterest

How BDSM Can Help PTSD

September 3, 2018 By slave_bunny 3 Comments

Photo by slave boy julia (sjstudio1.com)

Those who suffer from PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder) often make choices that are unhealthy and/or dangerous due to low self esteem, picking the demon they know rather than the unknown, panic/panic attacks, and/or thinking they deserve nothing more than to continue traumatic experiences.

People often self sabotage, get back with unhealthy exes, pick abuse over breaking free, practice unsafe sex practices, cater to their addictions, and many other damaging scenarios, to blot out the pain that they are feeling, to minimize the flashbacks, to not feel the weight of being abused/traumatized.

They often continue this unhealthy cycle of sweeping their torment under the rug, and hoping that it will magically go away on its own. However, it does not work like that. Normally things left undealt with only increase in size over time, and often become too large and overwhelming to be handled healthily without professional help.

Our demons are always there; it’s our job to find a way to healthily and effectively deal with them before they devour us, and/or before they have grown too powerful to take on.

I have found that BDSM can help break this cycle. Before I found BDSM, and before I met my Master, I would deal with my pain in all sorts of unhealthy ways-unhealthy dating patterns, unhealthy sex patterns, operating on low self esteem and abandonment issues alone. My self worth was very low due to the family and sexual trauma I had experienced.

I was caught in this vicious cycle of making myself the victim, and creating this webbed mess that always needed to be cleaned up. It seemed I just couldn’t get on the straight and narrow because of the pain that lived inside of me.

But through playing with my Master and being my Master’s slave, I have been shown that there is a healthy way to deal with the pain. Now, I also go to therapy, see a psychiatrist, read a lot of self-help books, exercise five times a week, communicate with my Master about these issues daily, and part of our contract is dedicated to my recovery. With this being said, I am saying that our BDSM has helped my PTSD, but I am in NO WAY saying it should be the only thing one uses to get over their traumas. However, it can be used as a coping strategy and trust builder for those that have been seriously wounded in tandem with other methods like the ones listed above.

PTSD can generate a lot of fear and feelings of general distrust. I used to fear that everyone would hurt me. Through our BDSM play, I have been show that even though my Master is inflicting consensual “pain” on me, I am still loved, and he would never actually hurt me. Every time we engage in breath play, he’s never actually trying to damage my windpipes. When we practice spanking, hitting, slapping, flogging, or any other form of impact it is for our enjoyment, and never for harm’s sake. My Master actually has mentioned on countless occasions that if I did not enjoy being a masochist, he would not want to continue being a sadist.

When I am objectified, called a slut, whore, sex toy, it is coming from the love that we have in our dynamic. It is consented to and appreciated. It is never coming from an abusive or non-consensual place.

After we engage in play, we always lie with another, talk about how much we mean to one another, and relive the scene we had just created. We often talk about things we liked and what we want to do again. If anything were to occur that we didn’t like we would talk about that too (However, this rarely happens since my Master knows me very well). It is so relieving to feel him close to me, holding me.

The trust, care, love, and respect make these actions satisfying, and help to heal any wounds made by others that once upon a time did these things to me non-consensually, and without any rendition of love, care, respect, or trust.

I have found that it is not the action that is traumatizing, it is the intent, core value(s), and virtue(s) driving it.

BDSM and the values of the Kink/BDSM Community can provide a safe space to work through our traumas in a healthy and safe manner. In my opinion, that why’s rape play exists. That’s why impact play is even a thing. That’s why so many of us love getting consensually choked, whipped, caned, bit, etc.

Someone with PTSD who has been raped might go out looking to relive that experience (these types of motives are usually in the unconscious or subconscious mind), which will most likely be much more damaging than it is worth. This situation is not in a controlled environment, and pretty much anything could happen. Instead, this person could go to a safe space, and reenact what happened/act out what they want to happen safely with a trusted friend or partner (to help work through their traumas). In this situation, it is controlled, and if someone reaches their threshold or is about to, they can always use their safe word. Real life, unfortunately, does not always work that way.

I cannot stress how paramount a controlled environment is when working through our traumas. That’s one reason why people go to therapists’ offices.

Also, at a dungeon there are DMs. So, if things were to become too much, you can always flag them down.

Safety is key. Safety with partners, location, and action. Safety mixed with consistency leads to trust, which will lead to PTSD not having such a hold on you.

In time, as trust builds, you will begin to see a different, positive side of these actions that were once only viewed as the most detrimental thing that could happen. You will begin to see people not as vessels that could hurt you. You will learn that the world is not out to get you and neither are most individuals that cross your path.

Please note, do not engage in BDSM relating to your traumas until you are sure you can handle it and are ready. Always respect your own timing. There’s no shame in waiting. If you are going to engage in play relating to your PTSD/traumas, who you play with should know of these traumas, limits should be talked about/respected, and safe words should be decided. If you find that you were not as ready as you thought after the scene has started, please stop the scene using your safe word(s). It’s never a good idea to force anything, especially when dealing with something so painful.

I would say that even if you are engaging in play that does not directly relate to your traumas, the above should be followed. And of course even if you do not have PTSD and have no apparent traumas, limits, boundaries, and safe words should always be discussed and agreed upon (unless you do not use safe words, but that is an entirely different article).

I think it’s also important to reflect on all scenes-especially the ones relating to your traumas that you are trying to work through. Perhaps journaling could really help with this. Introspection after any scene is essential in my opinion. Introspection leads to understanding and understanding leads to growth. Growth leads to change.

I have found that APRI really helps too. These steps can be done on your own, with a trusted friend/family member, a partner, or therapist.

Address- Address what happened. What caused your PTSD?

Process- Process the feelings and behaviors that stemmed from the incident or incidents. Notice any unhealthy behavioral patterns.

Resolve-Try to let whatever is traumatizing you go. This is the hardest step and could involve multiple steps and methods to complete. BDSM being one possible method. Make amends with yourself and others (if appropriate and possible). Think of ways that you could make your life more fulfilled, happier, and healthier.

Integrate- Integrate what you have learned thus far concerning your PTSD, yourself, and the traumatic incident. Make a plan of action and rules for yourself that you can follow and will follow based on the new knowledge you have gained. This will allow you to not only let go of the PTSD and your trauma(s), but become a healthier person in general.

Again, please note that there are countless ways to cope with traumas, pain, PTSD, and anxiety. I am merely providing a few coping strategies for one to ponder. I hope you have found this article helpful, and please reach out for more information.

As always, feel free to comment and ask questions. Thanks for reading and stay tuned!

About the Author

Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

Along with being a part of the Kink Weekly team, she will be teaching kink classes all over the Los Angeles area this year and organizing events.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink Community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming events and classes.

Healthy Submission

June 4, 2018 By slave_bunny 5 Comments

Click here to read the sister article-Healthy Dominance

Last week, I touched on what makes for healthy dominance. This week, I’d like to flip the coin over and talked about healthy submission.

It’s so important for all individuals, no matter how they identify, to do what’s best for themselves and for all involved.

I cannot stress enough the issue of consent, abiding by hard limits/respecting boundaries, and not putting any individual in harm’s way.

With this being said, I would like to delve into what makes for healthy and safe submission.

First of all, just because you are an s type, does NOT mean you are every D type’s s type. What I mean here, is that just because you identify as a submissive, until you agree to be in service to someone, you are in NO WAY obligated to be in service to anyone. s types are still people that ALWAYS have the right to refuse anything they do not wish to consent to (unless you have a dynamic where you have consented to do whatever your D type requests even if it displeases you. But that’s an entirely different topic).

Second, I think it’s important to analyze your strengths, weaknesses, what you want to get out of your role as a submissive, and the type of relationship that you wish to be in-M/s, D/s, Big/little, Mentor/mentee, Handler/pet, etc.

Assessing and solidifying all these things will allow you to know what you can realistically offer, which will dictate what type or types of service are most suitable for you-which in turn will guide you to the type of D type and arrangement/relationship that will best suit you.

It’s also a good idea to take an internal inventory of how often and for how long you want to be a submissive, and/or how much time your schedule allows for you to take on the s type role. This information can also help guide you to the right dynamic. Some people just want to play, others want a 24/7 power exchange dynamic, others want to live the lifestyle for one weekend a month.

In short, analyze your wants and what you can realistically take on. Also, analyze your needs because sometimes needs don’t always go hand in hand with wants. Needs should always be met first, before wants. So, pick the situation that will best meet your needs, and if your wants are met as well, then that couldn’t be a more perfect fit for you. Obviously, the goal is to find an arrangement that fits both your wants and needs, but nothing in this world is perfect.

Third, think about your core values. Find a dynamic and/or D type that shares those values. It’s also important that the D type/House/Scene Partner/Relationship you choose has needs and wants that compliment yours. Basically, all parties entering into any kind of dynamic should have the same long term and short term goals for the relationship. If you would like a mentor, but the D type you are talking to wants a sex slave, then it is clear that your wants, needs, and goals are quite different, and the relationship most likely should not be pursued.

It’s also in your best interest to listen to your gut. If something does not feel right, it probably isn’t right. If you notice red flags, do not ignore them. It’s important to act in a way that will be most effective at keeping you from getting hurt physically, mentally, emotionally, and/or spiritually.

Disrespect, violating hard limits, abuse, non-consented to violence, or anything else like this should not be tolerated-unless it was otherwise consented to.

We have all met those creepy people that just send shivers up our spine and give the Kink Community a bad name. Bottom line, you have NO obligation to entertain them in conversation or do anything else with them. You have every right to leave, block them, etc.

Finally, I feel that once a relationship is consented to and has begun to be structured (but is not yet completely solidified), the s type should still be able to negotiate and have a voice all throughout the defining of the relationship. Yes, s types yield to their D types, but they should not yield until they are comfortable with, understand, and consent to what type(s)/kind(s) of power they are being asked to yield to.

I think when outlining a power exchange relationship, it should be taken from the point of view that there is an s type and D type, who are people with voices, that are going to work together to create the best situation possible for all involved.

In my opinion, power exchange dynamics should consist of some teamwork element, at least in the beginning.

Throughout the relationship, I also think it’s helpful to allow the s type time to speak authentically as a person. Meaning, setting a time where all parties are just viewed as equals talking to one another with the shared goal of building the best dynamic possible. This could occur monthly, weekly, daily, yearly-whatever is going to work best. I have known some to call this “sacred space.”

Because after all, s types are still people, and I believe, when appropriate, they have a right to be heard.

D types should never treat their s types as anything but human (unless otherwise consented to).

s types and D types all bleed red. They just have different roles, needs, wants, fetishes, hard limits, soft limits, and goals. And all of of these vary from person to person.

If you take a humanistic approach when it comes to dynamics and scenes, I feel that the overall scene and/or relationship will be that much more genuine and fulfilling, since there is an underlayer of respect and understanding guiding all parties the whole way.

As always feel free to comment and ask questions. Thanks for reading and stay tuned!

About the Author:

Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

Healthy Dominance

May 28, 2018 By slave_bunny 3 Comments

www.voxart9.com

I have noticed there are a lot of new individuals in the community that seem to be unclear about what a D type really is. A lot of these individuals are also unaware of the responsibilities that come with being any rendition of a D type.

Being a Dominant entails so much more than just telling people what to do and getting your fantasies met by doing so.

Sure, Doms can consensually tell others what to do, and in doing so get their needs and wants met. However, there is so much a Dom must consider before making a demand.

First, the s type’s hard limits must be considered as well as their soft limits. It would go against the job description of any Dom to do anything that would actually physically or mentally harm the s type. The Dom must always keep the sub safe.

Soft limits should also be considered because some soft limits are situationally- based as well as mentally-based. What I mean by this is, some soft limits are only safe to be explored in certain settings and/or when the sub is in a certain headspace or feeling a certain way.

Second, what the s type can realistically handle and can physically/mentally do should be considered as well. The Dom should NEVER set the sub up to purposefully fail (unless this has been pre-negotiated and consented to). Now, the Dom can ask for things that might be trying and/or challenging for the sub (again as long as it is consensual and no hard limits are crossed). However, if the Dom knows that what is being asked has no chance of being successful, then I would highly recommend not asking for said thing. Furthermore, if what you wish to ask for is very important to you, you could potentially train the sub on what they cannot do at this time (in hopes that they can perform the task or fulfill the order in the future). Please note, that there are some things that cannot be trained and other things that can. It’s the Dom’s job to gather enough information to know the difference.

It’s also important to not get upset and/or angry at where the s type is currently. It’s always more beneficial to accept the s type, and proactively and practically work with them to help them serve you better. It’s totally acceptable to correct the s type’s behavior, but be careful not to correct who they are. This could negatively affect their self esteem.

If you find that you no longer wish to be in a power exchange dynamic with your sub, then that’s your right as well, and the healthiest break up protocols should be followed by all parties (these should be dynamic-specific).

Again, if you choose to stay with your submissive, it’s important to work with them as a team or at least consider them a part of the team even if all parties have agreed that the sub is considered less than the Dominant.

Third, the Dom should always take into account their own mental state and physical state. You may wish to discipline or punish at a particular moment, but realizing you should not punish until you calm down can be a sign of an aware Dom with great self control. Self control is paramount for both D types and s types. It can be your best friend when you want to do something, but realize you are not in the best headspace to do said thing.

I am also not recommending that punishments and/or discipline get thrown to the wayside because you are too angered and/or upset. I am merely suggesting to recognize when you are experiencing negative emotions that could impede your judgment, and then postpone punishment/discipline until you are in a calmer state. For example, you could tell your sub you will have their punishment for them within 24 hours, or let them know you need five minutes to cool off before talking to them about this, or you could tell them to wait in the corner and think about what they have done until you have calmed down (which would begin the punishment even before you are calm enough to continue talking about the matter). These are just a few options. There are many more to choose from.

Bottom line, the important thing is that you are always fair and just-even when punishing, disciplining, and/or correcting. When emotions are heightened that can put fairness and justice on the back burner. Just like a submissive may have to train on specific skills, so might a Dominant. The difference in training is that the sub has the Dom leading the training, process, and the Dom has to lead their own training (unless the Dom has a D type of their own or a mentor). Doms are people too, and their emotions need to kept in check just as much as subs.

Often, Doms are role models for their subs. With this being said, it would be in the Dom’s/relationship’s best interest to model the behavior and/or core values they wish the sub to exhibit/live by. I am in no way saying that Dominants should act submissive, or behave exactly like their s types, or have the same behavior protocols. I am merely stating that if a Dominant wants their submissive to be honest, they themselves should be honest.

I have often heard debates on whether or not Doms should apologize to their subs and/or talk to them about their errors.

I am a firm believer that it is the D type’s responsibility to own their error and make necessary modifications as needed. Now do they need to grovel or give a lengthy apology?- NO!

But they at least need to be willing to adjust things so the s type is safe and not put under potentially harmful physical and/or mental strain.

It’s human to have too high or unrealistic expectations. I am sure these things happen in nearly every power exchange relationship. And that’s totally okay. The essential thing for Doms is that you make healthier adjustments as needed. This requires you to be flexible, humble, and caring about your s type’s well-being to some degree.

In short, it’s important to know when to healthily/consensually push, and when to modify. Every situation is different, and a Dom’s task is often to balance challenge and adjustment.

It’s also important for a Dom to carefully observe not only the s type’s words and overt actions, but also their subtler mannerisms such as body language. You can often learn more about what the sub thinks and who they are by paying attention to these things. Doms who note these kinds of things will have more success in knowing when to push and when to pull back.

I have always heard mindfulness talked about from a sub’s and slave’s perspective, but mindfulness is greatly needed for everyone in any kind of dynamic.

Unhealthy implementation of dominance can create resentment, willful disobedience, and even dynamic dissolution. Healthy dominance can breed respect, trust, happiness, obedience, and a very strong foundation for any power exchange dynamic.

The D type wields all or most of the power in a relationship and/or scene. Because of this, it is up to them to set the tone and establish the path the dynamic will be on.

Of course, it is the responsibility of the s type to want to serve and to follow what the D type has prescribed. However, the D type is the leader and creates the overall ambiance of the exchange/relationship.

In closing, D types should be humble, logical, stable, understanding, intelligent, and in tune with their s types (this last point may vary based on whether one is talking about a scene, a power exchange relationship, or pick-up play. Nonetheless, the D type must be in tune with the s type to some degree. The D type cannot act as if the s type isn’t there and their boundaries don’t exist).

I hope this article has helped others gain a better understanding of D types’ responsibilities.

As always, thanks for reading and stay tuned!

Click here for the sister article- Healthy Submission

About the Author:

Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

Techniques For Slave Training

May 7, 2018 By slave_bunny 5 Comments

Hello everyone! In my last article, I talked about the benefits of training and healthy ways to achieve a successful training outcome.

In this article, I would like to talk about specific training techniques.

The first technique I would like to talk about is Classical Conditioning. Classical conditioning involves a stimulus being trained to evoke a specific response from the s type. A well-known example of this type of conditioning would be Pavlov’s dog. If you are unfamiliar with this reference, I highly recommend googling it.

For this technique to work, the D type must work with the s type to pair a preferred response with a chosen stimulus/object/action. For example, my Master has trained me to say “Master loves me and everything is okay” when he places his hand on my cheek. This is used when my Master wants me to calm down and/or to reduce my anxiety.

As you can see from this example, classical conditioning can be used to shorten response times, can be used to help someone in the dynamic in a positive way, and can take the conscious thinking out of the equation for the s type. When my Master puts his hand on my cheek, I do not even have to think about my response. It just comes out at this point. It has been thoroughly ingrained in me.

This method can also be used to let the s type know they did something that displeases you. For example, the D type could train the s type to know that when the D type snaps their fingers that means the s type did something wrong and must go to the corner to wait for further instruction. Classical conditioning can also be used to get the s type wet and/or ready for sex or play. There is really no limit to what it can be used for. Essentially, it can be used as a way to speed up the response time for whatever response the D type wants the s type to exhibit.

However, even though the end result can speed up the desired response, training one to achieve the desired outcome does take time, work, and patience, just like any other training method and process.

There is no set time-frame as to when classical conditioning can/will occur. I can tell you it does take some time before the brain subconsciously pairs a stimulus with a specific response.

Any type of stimulus can be used as well- smells, tastes, sensations, actions, objects, etc. The possibilities really are endless. It just has to be something that the s type will recognize easily and without question.

The stimulus should also not be something the s type experiences in everyday life. The stimulus should be something that the D type has a considerable amount of control over. You want to be the only or nearly the only one that can give/gives the s type the stimulus. The more control you have over the stimulus and when it is given to the s type, the more effective classical conditioning will be.

Now I would like to talk about another method called Operant Conditioning. This is basically a punishment/reward system that one could use during training.

It’s a way for the D type to encourage and maintain desired behaviors and discourage unwanted behaviors.

If you want to maintain or increase a behavior one could use reinforcement. Positive reinforcement would be giving something pleasant or desired to the s type.

Negative reinforcement would be removing something aversive.

If you want to decrease a certain behavior one could use punishment. Positive punishment would be giving the s type something aversive/undesirable. Negative punishment would be removing something pleasant or desired.

For example, positive reinforcement would be giving an s type ice cream if they like ice cream. Negative reinforcement would be taking a way doing a chore if the s type does not like doing chores. Positive punishment would be giving an s type a chore. Negative punishment would be taking a way ice cream.

Please note, it is always important to be consistent, fair, and just when using punishment/reward as well as anything a D type does.

The punishment and reward must fit what occurred. It’s important for D types to reward and punish when they are calm and well-collected because heightened negative and positive emotions can skew the punishment and reward giving process. Also, punishments should never cross any hard limits or put the s type in any danger.

The next technique I would like to talk about is Extinction. This is essentially ignoring unwanted behaviors.This can be highly effective especially if the s type’s motive for doing something is getting attention. If the s type learns that by doing said behavior they are not going to get the reward they seek, chances are they are not going to exhibit said behavior as much, and may stop doing said behavior all together.

Modeling or showing an s type step by step how something should be done can also be beneficial. This can be very effective with kinesthetic learners if the D type shows a step and then expects the s type to copy them. Physical and verbal cues can help as well. There is nothing wrong with giving your s type cues, especially at the beginning of training. You can also correct the s type as you see fit throughout the training process. People forget things and sometimes people need small reminders here and there. S types are no different.There can be a difference between willful disobedience and needing a correction. Some D types do not punish for minor corrections as long as it wasn’t due to willful disobedience.

The last technique I would like to talk to is Differential Reinforcement. DR focuses on giving positive reinforcement for a decrease in the undesired behavior, substitution of a preferred behavior, an increase in behaviors that prevent the undesired behavior, and absence of the undesired behavior.

This method allows one to be rewarded for progress.It allows for a lot of encouragement as the s type is trying to reach the set goal.

There is so much more I could say about these topics. Training can be much more complex than I am making it seem in this article. I am just trying to provide a brief overview of these techniques with the hope that others will ask questions, and do their own research to further their understanding.

It takes a lot of various resources, time, flexibility, patience, trial/error, communication, attentiveness, and mindfulness to train another person. Adults have already been conditioned by their childhood and their past experiences. It is a huge undertaking for a D type/Master to condition an s type contrary to what the s type already is doing and exhibiting. However, it can be done. It might just take going back to the drawing board a few times and/or using multiple techniques simultaneously and/or throughout the training process.

It should be noted though that training SHOULD NEVER cross an s type’s hard limits or put them in harm’s way-physically, emotionally, or mentally. An s type’s own timing should be considered and they should not be asked to do something or train on something that would be unhealthy for them.Training can be challenging for the s type, but it has to be something that the s type can realistically and healthily take on and consents to taking on.

As always, feel free to ask questions and leave comments. Thanks for reading and stay tuned!

About the Author:

Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

Slave Training

April 9, 2018 By slave_bunny 7 Comments

No one becomes skilled at something without hard work and training. This goes for those in the Vanilla and Kink Community.

The main difference between Kink and Vanilla training is that when done correctly Kink training is clearly defined, has a set goal (usually given by the D type), and is tracked throughout the training process. Training usually occurs for the betterment of the s type, the dynamic, and/or to ensure the D type’s comfort/satisfaction.

Also, in the Kink Community, s types who go into training give consent to be trained. Once consent is given, the D type is able to begin the training process that he/she feels will yield the best results.

In the vanilla community, this is very rarely the case. In the vanilla community (unless for a job/company) training is usually more subtle, is driven by the individual doing the training, and is not “required” to exist in a vanilla relationship.

To me, this is why many vanilla individuals remain much more stagnant than many kink individuals (simply due to the fact that no one is requiring them to train themselves). Slave or kink training is driven by another person who holds you accountable. Just like having a personal trainer, teacher, boss, which is why it is more effective.

Just to be clear, slave training is not about someone barking orders at you or trying to change you entirely. It’s about trying to make you into your best self and/or help you achieve the relationship that you consented to.

Training requires D types to understand that progress takes time. D types during training should be firm, but fair, just, and understanding. Encouragement and praise should be given when appropriate.

I feel it is important for the s type to understand the value of the skill he/ she is training on (this requires the D type explaining the benefit of the skill/training), and have some idea of the training plan the D type is going to implement. I do not feel it is beneficial for s types to be left entirely in the dark. Can D types choose to leave some things out? Sure! However, I think some kind of conversation should take place.

It could be beneficial to have “sacred space” every week at a certain and for a certain duration of time where the s type can ask questions, and the D and s type can check in with one another and discuss how training is going. The more clarity brought to the training process from all perspectives, the more effective the training will be. The clearer you are with your expectations, the more success the s type is likely to have throughout training as well.

D types also need to be consistent throughout training, and follow through with what they say they are going to do. Bluffing and/or empty threats are never conducive for long term results.

Also, as I mentioned previously, tracking progress throughout the training process is beneficial as well. It might be helpful to track progress of a target behavior before the training process has even begun, in order to give your s type objective data as to why said behavior needs to be modified via training. The more information the D type can gather, the more informed he/she will be, which will enable the D type to better determine where they should lead the s type next.

Trust is also paramount for training to be most effective. This requires the s type feeling like the D type will not cross any hard limits/ will keep them safe, is honest with the s type, is consistent, is reliable, has a clear vision throughout training, is intelligent, etc.

Training can also be very bonding and bring those in a dynamic closer together. Training itself reinforces the dynamic as well. When implemented healthily and correctly, it can really get one that much closer to the dynamic one envisions.

Since training calls for all parties to be attentive, hard working, and to hold themselves accountable (D types to not only hold themselves accountable,but to hold their s types accountable too), it can help show your partner(s) how much you care about the relationship. It can also provide a way for the s type to show their dedication and commitment to wanting to please/serve their D type.

I hope this has given everyone some important things to think about concerning training. Next week I will go into specific methods of training.

As always feel free to comment and ask questions. Thanks for reading and stay tuned!

About the Author:

Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She will be teaching all over the Los Angeles area this year and will also be presenting two workshops at the BDSM Writers Con in Seattle and New York.

Fetlife – Slave_Bunny992

Article - Slave Bunny

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