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Interview

Interview with Dan and dawn Williams

May 3, 2020 By slave_bunny 2 Comments

1.What are the top three things to know when first starting one’s kink journey?

Dan says: First, walk in with an open mind. Don’t think you have to be a Dom if you are male or that you can’t be a switch (try both receiving and giving) or any predetermined ideas. Just jump in and go. Second, be gracious. Don’t worry about protocols and rules to the point you don’t get started. If you don’t know something, just ask. And finally…what you wear to your first play party doesn’t matter. People ask that a lot 🙂

dawn says: 1) There is no one true way. 2) Just because you don’t like something, doesn’t mean it’s ‘wrong’ 3) consensuality is a major theme in the kink world. Don’t touch other people without permission, or other peoples stuff….and make sure you learn how to negotiate well

2. To you, how does power exchange enhance your daily life?

Dan says: I know my job, my role, my expectations, and I am fully free to be me. That never happened in my non-power exchange relationships.

dawn says: It gives me a foundational structure and stability. I don’t have to worry about who is responsible for what. There are no power-play games.

3. How do you balance vanilla life and kink? 

Dan says: I don’t. I mean, I don’t talk about what I do in the bedroom at work but no one does. And since all my friends are either kinky or kink friendly, there isn’t anything to balance.

dawn says: Same as Dan. i don’t talk about my kink or what i do in the bedroom around most family. Frankly, it’s none of their business and i don’t to hear about what they do. Otherwise, all my friends are kinky or kink-friendly and only family that i trust with all of me, get to know about my power exchange and poly relationships.

4. Are there helpful tips you can provide on parenting and being in a 24/7 power exchange dynamic?

dawn says: Dan being in charge was normal for our kids. I did not call him Master or Sir around them and he did not call me slave. But, the boys knew that they couldn’t put us in a power struggle. They knew that anything they asked me would go to Dan, regardless of how casual we kept the dynamic on the surface. And they saw us as happy people in this arrangement.

5. Is managing power exchange and poly ever a challenge? If so, what helps to overcome these obstacles?

Dan says: Oh yea. We just did a podcast about the same. For us, make sure that the new relationships are aware that the power exchange is part of things. Right up front. Some poly books will suggest all hierarchy is bad. So be up front.

dawn says: It can be a challenge if the new poly person wants to push egalatarian on me and suggest that my power exchange dynamic is ‘wrong’. There is no wrong way to do a relationship if it’s consentual by all parties. Luckily, my poly partners were aware from the beginning that i’m in a long-term power exchange relationship and i let them know up front that i won’t compromise on it. It was their choice on whether they could deal with that or not.

6. In your opinion what makes for a great scene? What makes for a bad scene?

Dan says: Great scene. Someone you trust lets you be instinctive. Not over scripted or over thought, just flows.

A bad scene is one where you try too hard or it is just physical with no deeper connection. But that is bad to me, not everyone.

dawn says: For me, my kink is power exchange. So there needs to be some domination in there for it to get me to the headspace i want to get to. That’s why i rarely do pick-up play. I need to trust the person i’m playing with.  ……i’ve only had a couple of bad scenes over 21 years. These scenes were where i was treated like an object and not a person that was part of the scene. I can’t drop my walls with these types of tops. Therefore, it’s no good for me.

7. Do you have any helpful negotiation advice that you would be willing to share with our readers?

Dan says: Be honest. Be direct. What you want, what you don’t want. “I kinda like this” will get you a kinda good scene.

dawn says: Cover the basics, what you like and don’t like. Cover aftercare. Who is responsible for it? Give a few ‘yes’s’ as to what you really like. I agree with Dan…if you go in with a ‘i don’t know’ or ‘whatever you want to do’, and don’t give any direction, more than likely it’s not going to be a great scene for you. Personally, i like to give some major boundaries, a few things that i really like and go from there. I also cover my sexual boundaries. It used to be that you didn’t have to worry about that because kink and sex were separate things. They aren’t anymore. If you don’t want someone touching your naughty bits, say so. Be confident.

8. Are you a fan of pickup play? Why or why not?

Dan says: Meh. Normally not because I tend to lean toward caution with people I haven’t played with before.

Dawn says: Not usually. Like i said before, i like to play with those that i really trust so that i can let down my walls and let them be instinctive. I can’t do that with new people. I’m not so much about the toys/kink as i am about the connection with a person and their domination.

9.Where do you feel are the best places to go to hone your kinky skills?

Dan says: There is a lot of value in classes and workshops but you need to actually put it to practice. The point of a restaurant isn’t to look at the menu…it is to eat. So go eat (er, play)

Dawn says: Classes, workshops, kink demo stations (Bottoms buffet, Kinksploritorium, they are called different things), weekend events, play parties. Lots of places available.

10. What are some red flags to look out for in the community?

Dan says: When people assume power. They assume you should respond in a certain way because they gave themselves a title.

Dawn says: i tend to look out for people that won’t meet me in public. If they want to play with me, they need to come to the Columbus Space (our community play space), or somewhere else public. …i also watch out for those with big egos that don’t take responsibility for their actions.

11. Do you have any safe online practices that you care to share with our readers? Do you believe that kink relationships can start online and/or always be online?

dawn says: i believe they can start online, but i’ve personally never started a relationship that way. I will say that i watch out for the people that ask you very personal questions right away about what you are willing to do for them. And i watch out for those that only have dick pics. And men that only have women friends. Recently, i had a woman that if i was a ‘real slave’ i’d follow her orders and chat with her through an app that i needed to download. She got pissed because i told her ‘no’. I blocked her.

12. What makes for a good Dominant?

Dans says: Be responsible. Own your mistakes.

dawn says: i like a confident dominant that isn’t arrogant. There is a difference.

13. What makes for a good submissive?

Dan says: Got me. The people in my life are very different…but they all serve in different ways.

dawn says: One that understands being a submissive is not a bad thing, and is confident in their skills, or at least working on it. One that can obey and think of things that will please their dominant….at least in my opinion.

14. Do you believe that all kink dynamics must have a vanilla component? Why or why not?

dawn says: there are all kinds of kink dynamics, so i wouldn’t say that any of them ‘have’ to have or not have, anything. There are some people that are only play partners. I have a couple of these. We play at events and that’s it. I have other play partners that does have a vanilla component, in that we text or call every now and then. With Dan, we have a 24/7 relationship, where it looks like their are vanilla components; paying bills, walking the dog, cleaning the house, etc. But, in truth, those are not vanilla. We are Power Exchange. Everything we do has Power Exchange as the foundation, so even things that look vanilla from the outside, aren’t.

15. What events and projects do you have coming up?

Dan says: We are turning our book The Polyamory Toolkit into audio editions!

dawn says: i’m on my 9th year of organizing ‘Subs in Service Intensive’. We’ve had to postpone it til later in the year. I also am a vendor and run ‘Blossom Trading Company’.

16. Any closing words?

Dan says: I run into a lot of people who say they wish they got started earlier in life. The only time you can start is now.

dawn says: If kink is part of your authentic self, embrace it! It can be scary at first because it will seem like a completely different world, with it own language, its own rules and its own culture, but you’ll get the hang of it.

About Dan and Dawn

Dan and dawn are a lifestyle couple since 2001 and have presented at over 100 events around North America. They are the authors of Living M/s: A book for Masters, slaves, and Their Relationships as well as creators of the wildly popular Kink Starter cards! They are also the co-hosts of the Erotic Awakening internet radio show, an educational podcast that explores “all things erotic”; co-directors of the Columbus Space, an alternative community center; 2016 MAsT International Member’s Choice Presenter of the Year Award winner; Great Lakes region Master & slave title holders (2010); creators of the Scarlet Sanctuary and Path of the Qadishti (sacred sexuality spaces); featured educators on both Kink Academy and Creative Sexuality; and mentioned in a number of books, articles, and other media.

Tagged With: bdsm, fetish, kink, slave bunny

Interview with Lusty Guy and Minx

August 25, 2019 By kinkweekly 2 Comments


Thank you so much for consenting to do this interview. Please introduce
yourselves and give us a little background of the work you have done for
the Poly Community.

LG SAYS: I go by Lusty Guy for my work with Poly Weekly and have been
active in the sexual community of interest since the 1990s, when I formed
one of the first sex-positive adult video production companies. Currently
I co-produce and often co-host, the long-running podcast, Poly Weekly.

MINX: I go by Minx, and I’m the creator and host of the Poly Weekly
podcast, with over 500 episodes in production. I’m a sex educator and
sex-positive activist.

What do you feel is the best advice you can give to someone who is new to
poly?

LG SAYS: To thine own self be true. You will find a host of sources out
there certain that their way to do Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM) is the
only way. While it is true that if everyone hasn’t consented you are doing
it wrong, that’s about the only way to do it wrong. After that, as Minx
says, poly is a custom job so build the relationship behavior set that
works for you and your partners, rather than conforming to some internet
idea of the ideal way to do things.

MINX: Be kind to yourself. As with all relationships, you’re going to make
mistakes, you’re going to get hurt, and you’re probably going to hurt
other people. Do your best to minimize that last one, own your shit, and
learn from your mistakes. There’s not one right way to do poly or mono or
anything else; there’s just the way that works for you and others in the
relationship.

What are some common misconceptions about poly? How can we help to
mitigate these false stereotypes?

LG SAYS: Don’t worry about others’ misconceptions, they will always be
there. Live your best life, let others nurse their own ideas, and move
forward with integrity.

MINX: Just understand that any stereotypes exist due to a lack of
exposure. The more of us that come out and share the details of our lives,
the less power those stereotypes will have. And it’s working–poly
relationships have got more and more positive coverage in major
publications in the last five years, and fewer people are asking me what
poly is when I come out to them.

What are some red flags when dating a new partner?

LG SAYS: Watch how they handle conflict and people who have less power
than them, in that instance. The famous example is to observe how they
treat the wait staff/service people at businesses you visit but how they
treat kids and animals is another good indication. Pay attention to the
stories they tell, are they always the person who does no wrong and is
done wrong by the world? If so that is a red flag to me as we all make
mistakes and if we never tell stories of them we’ll never learn from them.

MINX: I love to ask people about their exes; I think the stories we tell
about our past relationships show a lot about who we are. If they talk
about the lessons they learned, I’m intrigued. I believe every experience
we have makes us who we are today. If they dismiss their ex and call them
“crazy,” I usually end the conversation. Not only is that an insult to a
partner they once loved and spent time with, but it shows a lack of
introspection and compassion, both of which I find necessary for a
successful relationship of any kind.

Do you feel that mono/poly relationships can work? If so, why? If not, why?

LG SAYS: In my experience mono/poly relationships work, i.e. they
contribute to making everyone invovled better versions of themsevles,
about as often as gay/straight relationships work, which is to say not
very often. But, I also want to say that my opinion of a relationship
doesn’t matter at all, it’s only those who are in the relationship who can
really know if it is, ‘working,’ or not. The rest of us can go hang.

MINX: Agree with Lusty Guy. It’s often difficult (but not impossible) for
everyone in a poly-mono relationship to be happy. The only times I’ve seen
it work is when both people are extremely secure and have rock solid
self-esteem and strong communication skills.

What are the biggest mistakes one can make when living the poly lifestyle?
How can one avoid making these errors?

LG SAYS: The same mistakes that one can make when living a monogamous
lifestyle. Lying to oneself or others tends to produce negative outcomes
when one is poly or mono. Trying to be someone we are not just about never
works out. Now having said that there are mistakes that are more common
among poly folk, such as trying to create a specific, written, list of
rules that will govern everyone’s behavior.  That just about always ends
up being a map to the things the folk will argue about.

MINX: Lusty Guy took my answer! Seriously, the things that break up poly
relationships are the same things that break up mono relationships. A lack
of honesty, lack of communication, or lack of empathy will destroy
relationships every time. If the relationship isn’t making the people in
it better versions of themselves, it’s time to rethink it, regardless of
whether it’s poly, mono, or anything in between.

I agree with LG that the inclination to make a lot of rules is a classic
poly blunder. Telling adults what to do usually doesn’t work out
well–have you ever tried to tell a grown-ass adult what they can and
can’t do? How did that work out for you? If you must have guidelines, they
should be assume individual agency and be based on mutual respect. A
guideline of “let’s avoid surprises” is general, respects everyone’s
agency, and supports open communication, for example. A rule of “no
sleepovers” is just begging to be broken and nitpicked to death–what is a
“sleepover”? Is that here past 2 AM? 3 AM? What if we weren’t sleeping?
What if it was snowing? What if we were in different rooms? What if there
was no sex?

What are the different forms of poly that you know about?

LG SAYS: Too many to list. In the final analysis, there are as many forms
of poly as there are people who claim the label and I have to admit to
being a bit bored with the, “what term do you use and how do you define
it,” conversation in anything other than the context of getting to know a
new individual.

MINX: There are as many types of poly as there are people who practice it,
much like monogamy. However, if you want to know the most common
configurations, Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up has a good list to get you
started thinking about what might work for you. But everyone ends up
customizing their relationship to their needs and situation–and let’s not
forget that changes over time. There are poly folks who end up in
relationships that appear to be monogamous for one reason or another, and
there are mono-identified folks whose circumstances land them in poly
relationships.

What is/are the difference(s) between being poly and being in an open
relationship? Is there a difference in your opinion?

LG SAYS: The difference will vary from speaker to speaker. Personally I
don’t really care and have used the terms interchangeably. I tend to
prefer to ID as CNM these days, or open, because of the frequency of gate
keepers in the poly online community but I use the term, “poly,” as a
convenient shorthand as well.

MINX: Being in an open relationship more often refers to a primary couple,
usually (but not always) heterosexual, who each have other partners, and
the relationship is often (but not always) hierarchical. The term
“polyamory” is a bit more all-encompassing, as it can refer to a solo poly
practitioner, a quad, a triad, a vee, a polycule, or an intimate network,
in additional to a couple who has other partners. The broader umbrella
term is “consensually non-monogamous,” or CNM, which many folks use in
lieu of the older term “polyamory” due to its alternative connotations.

In your experience, what is the crossover between kink, BDSM, and poly?

LG SAYS: Huge. I see lots of shared membership between the kink, BDSM,
poly, CNM, science fiction, gaming, fantasy, and comic communities.

MINX: Once of the first classes I created was on where to meet poly
people, as everyone kept asking. The answer? Kink conferences, sci-fi
conventions, Renaissance faires, bisexuality events, and pagan circles. I
remember going to my first poly camping event and meeting a mortgage
broker, who was so excited to meet me! Not because of the podcast, but
because my day job is marketing. They just wanted to meet a poly person
who wasn’t quite so alternative. Nowadays, we have OK Cupid and other
dating apps that just let us specify our relationship configuration, so
you don’t necessarily have to be part of an alternative community to find
poly folks unless you especially want to.

For you, what are the pros of being poly? What are the cons?

LG SAYS: Living honestly is the major pro of being poly, IME. Being true
to myself is a core value for me, which is to say I seek to minimize or
eliminate the difference between my inner state and my outer actions. My
inner state is far from monogamous and the very short time I have tried to
behave that way (in my early 20s) was a disaster. Being openly
non-monogamous gives me integrity.

In terms of cons I got bumpkins. There is the social pressure to conform,
and legal risks in terms of job and kids that I know some folk face but
none of that has ever been an issue for me personally. It’s all good for
Lustyguy. 🙂

MINX: For me, being poly enables me to be my best self. I didn’t have a
close family growing up, and building out my friends and family of choice
has been fulfilling and empowering for me. There are loads of other
advantages–having three adults in the house to manage chores, social
engagements, and finances (especially in expensive Seattle) is huge–but
that’s certainly not why I’m poly!

Do you have any advice for coming out as poly to friends and family?

LG SAYS: Just do it and don’t let your guesses of how folk will respond
guide you. My trans spawn recently came out to their grandfather, my
father in law, who the family has conspired to keep in the dark about all
kinds of things for fear that he wouldn’t accept them. But he accepted his
non-binary grandchild just fine. Not everyone will, mind you, but give
everyone a chance to be a better person than your fear tells you they will
be. Relax, don’t make it a big deal because they will mirror  your
emotional state while you come out, and do it. (He said while supporting
the notion that everyone’s closet is their own and if you choose to stay
in it I support that as well.)

MINX: Check the backlog of Poly Weekly–we’ve talked about it quite a lot!
Here’s the condensed version: (1) only you get to decide when to come out.
Some folks have concerns about employment or custody of kids and can’t,
and we all need to respect that. However, the closet is toxic, so if you
can come out, do. (2) Your friends’ and family’s reactions are about them,
not you. You’ll likely hear some bewilderingly uninformed and negative
responses from them. (My mother still, for some inexplicable reason,
believes I live in Lusty Guy’s and L’s garage. No idea why.) Remember that
they own their reactions; you do you. (3) Major holidays are often already
fraught with family tensions and are therefore not the best times to come
out. Pick an ordinary day and meet one on one or with just a small group.

What do you feel are the next steps for the Poly Community at large? How
can we help facilitate this as a society?

LG SAYS: I think the best thing individual members can do for the larger
CNM community is to live the best life they can, in as open as way as they
can. Come out of the closet and show to the majority community that we’re
here, we’re just like them, and we aren’t going away.

MINX: With the coverage polyamory has been getting over the last few
years, we are well on our way to normalization. It was even mentioned on
the Big Bang Theory lately as a throwaway line. My dream is for poly to be
just as valid a relationship choice as being mono, getting married, not
getting married, having kids, or not having kids. The more people that are
willing to come out and talk about what their poly lives look like, the
closer we get to that state.

What are some essential tools that you use to keep your poly lifestyle
organized?

LG SAYS: Shared electronic calendars are huge as are all tools that help
communication. Chat, video conferences, and so on. Doing whatever
introspective activity works for you (meditation, journaling, counseling,
conversation, whatever) so that you can know what you want and effectively
communicate it while accepting what others want is vital.

MINX: Communication, self-awareness, humility, listening, self-esteem, and
Google Calendar.

What new projects are you currently working on? Where and when can we view
them?

MINX: Most of our projects are on the back burner while I focus on my day
job. For the moment, I’m happy producing the podcast and teaching at
national and international events with Lusty Guy.

LG: My new projects are mostly wrapped up in the diving space. That and
chasing wild boar around.

Any closing words and/or advice?

LG: Let everyone be the experts on themselves, and be the expert on
yourself. If your partners tell you they want or need X don’t second guess
it. Accept that they know themselves better than you do and ask for the
same treatment in return.

MINX: Forgive yourself for experience shock. Many folks have researched
and embraced poly on paper but ran into unexpected emotions when they were
dealing with real, live human beings. Don’t beat yourself up for how you
feel; just accept the unexpected or unflattering parts of you and approach
them as opportunities for self-examination.


MINX’s BIO:
Cunning Minx is the sultry-voiced producer and host of the wildly popular
Polyamory Weekly podcast, in continuous production for 13 years. Referred
to as “The Terry Gross of polyamory,” Minx shares tales from the front of
responsible non-monogamy from a pansexual, kink-friendly point of view
through the podcast, her book Eight Things I Wish I’d Known About
Polyamory, speaking engagements, and online communication courses. A kinky
boobiesexual, Minx founded the show as a resource for the poly and
poly-curious to form a community, share experiences, and help guide each
other on their journeys of poly and kinky exploration. Find her on
Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.

LG’s BIO:
Lustyguy Polyweekly, has been around the sex positive movement since the
late 1980s. He worked for about five years at Seattle’s Lusty Lady, ran an
adult video production company that filmed only people in actual
relationships, and for the past five years has been a regular co-host and
co-producer on Polyamory Weekly, Cunning Minx’s podcast on polyamory,
sexuality, and communications.

Tagged With: bdsm, fetish, kink

Interview with Simone Justice

July 6, 2019 By kinkweekly 3 Comments


Can you tell us a little about how you became involved in the Kink Community? Can you tell us a little about yourself, your career, and your current involvement in this community?

I became involved in the kink community in the nineties when I started going to public events. Prior to that, it had been a private part of my life. For a time after that, it became most of my life, because I immersed myself in it. I joined organizations, took classes, socialized, wrote about and worked in the kink community for years and then started teaching and organizing events, as well. My participation has ebbed at times, but ever since I set foot in that first nightclub and was warmly welcomed, I have been a member of the kink community, and I always will be.

A little about myself: I was born in California and have lived all along the coast, until recently moving to Fort Worth, TX. I think the details of my life that best describe my personality are my degrees, a B.A. in Philosophy and a Master’s in Psychology. I love to travel for the learning experience of being somewhere foreign and meeting people who live in a different way.

My dominatrix career, I owe to the generosity of the late Mistress Sabrina Belladonna, who hired me to join the lineup of dommes in her house of domination, The Velvet Underground. After I went independent, I started going to NYC for sessions once a month and traveled the world to play.  I also began performing on stage at Club Sin-A-Matic and other venues. Later, I owned a dungeon, The Halls of Justice, on Sunset Blvd in Hollywood where I began teaching to train several dommes who worked there. I’ve continued teaching and have mentored many of the globe’s most successful ProDommes. I hope that I honor my mentor and give back to the community by teaching what I know at conferences, in weekend immersion workshops and on the phone. I don’t do in person sessions anymore, only phone and webcam.

What fulfills you most about being involved in this community?

Giving back to the community that has given so much to me.

Has kink led to any self-growth for you? How has it helped you in your own life?

My relationship skills have definitely grown through the practice of negotiation, setting boundaries and the co-creating process of kink. I’ve also learned important lessons through my mistakes. For example, underestimating the impact I could have on a play partner taught me to be more careful in my all my interpersonal interactions.

What do you find most beneficial about being a dominatrix?

The humility that comes from being placed in a position of power.

What do you feel your clients gain from sessions with you?

I hope that they gain at least a temporary satisfaction of their desires/needs.

What are your specialties?

Verbal and psychological domination.

What is the biggest challenge you have faced concerning your job?

The confusion that clients now have about how to find and evaluate ProDommes, which compounds their lack of self-understanding about their kinks and fetishes that they used to gain from guidance by experienced dominatrices.

What are your core values? How do these factor into your profession, your involvement in the Kink Community, and your personal life?

My core values are Integrity, Honesty and Compassion, by which I am guided and try to uphold in all aspects of my life.

What is the best advice you can give to someone that wants to become a dominatrix? What makes for a great Dominatrix?

My best advice is to take classes from people who can give you helpful feedback.

A great dominatrix is safe, ethical and skilled.

How do your own fetishes factor into your work?

There are some things I won’t do, and some that I like best, but in general, it is not what we do, the kinks or fetishes, but rather how we do it together that matters to me. It is the energy exchange that I care about most. My biggest “fetish” is excelling in my scenes. My favorite kinks are flogging, sensory dep and hypnosis.

What do you feel is the biggest challenge the community faces right now? What do you feel needs to be done about this?  How can your work help? How can the general public help?

The biggest challenge is growing too fast to maintain safety standards by educating newbies. I think that we need to be welcoming of new people and take personal responsibility for being helpful and informative. Some people don’t want to share what they know, I think that attitude hurts the community. My work can help when I teach basic and free/less expensive classes and post info on the internet. The general public needs us to help them through conscientious interaction, understanding of their ignorance, and a willingness to inform their curiosity.

What is the best advice you can give to someone concerning power exchange dynamics?

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are, what you want, or when it is too much for you – decide for yourself.

What are some common misconceptions about being a D type? What do you feel needs to be done to eradicate this/these stereotype(s)?

A misconception is that D types don’t need aftercare. I think dominants asking for their own aftercare needs to met, even if it feels uncomfortably non-dominating, is important.

When did you first know you were kinky? Was it evident in childhood?

Yes, it was evident to me early on that I was into kink, so I started playing in my teens.

Do you have a personal motto? How do you live by this?

I don’t have a personal motto, I haven’t found one that feels right.

Are you currently working on any new projects? If so, what are they?

I am working on improving my classes, and looking into new ways to teach through webcam conferences and maybe online modules.

What would say is your overall mission concerning everything kink? How do you plan to achieve this?

My overall mission is to contribute through my teaching and writing and to try to honor my mentors in every act of participation, no matter how small.

Any closing words?

Thank you for this experience, answering your questions required introspection, vulnerability, and community awareness


About Simone Justice

Simone Justice is a BDSM Hall of Famer, long time lifestyle member of the BDSM community, internationally renowned dominatrix, BDSM educator, mentor to many of the world’s top dominatrices, Sublime Lady of OWK, producer of kink events, performer, TV & film BDSM consultant and writer.

Tagged With: bdsm, fetish, kink, Simone Justice

PirateStan Interviews Mister

April 7, 2019 By PirateStan 2 Comments


A while back, a local friend (‘Mister’ on FL) started doing something a bit unusual; chain bondage. I initially found the idea intriguing, as metal restraints are something I find more than a bit appealing.

Then I saw photos of what exactly he was doing, how he was not simply binding, but actually suspending people wrapped in roughly their body weight of chain. The heaviness of the chain contrasted with the seeming lightness of the person floating in it, made for some powerful imagery.

I had a chance to see him in action at a recent event. I was particularly impressed by both his utter professionalism and the reactions of the people he was suspending. This, I thought, was something that needed further investigation, and more widespread publicity. You gotta see this.

The interview was conducted via email with copy-editing by me.

Q: So why chain? How did you come up with the idea of suspending people with chain? What drew you to it?

A: When I first started in the kink scene about 10 years ago (not that is a measure of anything other than longevity) many, many people implied to me that rope was the end all of bondage, and that if I wanted to be kinky I had to learn how to tie both knots and people with rope. One of the first events I ever attended was a local event where Jay Wiseman taught some rope bondage, and I learned that I was horribly incompetent at it.

Future “101” events that tried to teach rope were equally as galling as, to me, rope work looks like magic; anyone who’s good at it looks like a wizard. I’m lucky that I can lace and tie my boots, and keep shit from moving around in a van.

The TL;DR version is that it grew out of my wanting to do bondage, but knew that I was incapable of learning rope techniques. I was also heavily influenced by a chain aerial performance that occurred during Winterfire 2017 or 2018 (I forgot which).

So having been incompetent with rope, and noticing that the majority of suspension photos used rope, I wanted to see if I could do it with something different. I’ve observed suspensions with duct tape and pallet wrap, but those are disposable mediums, and you have to utilize a pretty significant amount to get someone in the air.

I knew that if I wanted to suspend people using alternative bondage techniques, I had to evaluate certain criteria: Is the medium strong/reliable? Can it support a person? Is it reasonable in cost and is accessible? Can it be adaptable and configurable?

From an engineering perspective, chain is all of these things. I think the technical feasibility drew me to figuring out how I could make it work in the ways that I thought were appealing, creative, and aesthetic.

Q: When did you first realize that people found the idea of chain bondage appealing?

A: I didn’t really consider that people would find it appealing. I had seen chain bondage photos of some techniques that didn’t look great, and I thought that I could improve on it in a way that was much more visually appealing and traditional in terms of what rope is capable of.

I think it’s only been the past few weeks (as of March 27, 2019) that people have started to gain an interest in it, aside from the few observers that we’ve had when I’ve/We’ve done this thing at Dark Odyssey:Summer Camp in 2018, the Leather Flea & Play Party in Fall 2018 and Spring 2019, and Dark Odyssey:Winter Fire in 2019.

Summer Camp 2018 was the first time were I did any chain bondage that people could watch, and a huge thank you goes to ‘BondagePupNHeels’ and ‘devab’ for bidding on my first public chain bondage scene at the auction! They really made me feel like I was doing something great and it gave me a huge confidence boost to keep going forward.

Q: How did you decide what chain to use and what sort of equipment you’d need?

A: When I first acquired a few lengths of chain, I knew I needed lengths long enough to wrap around a torso, as well as the waist. I also needed shorter lengths because, sometimes, you just need a smaller piece.

The size of chain was chosen because I wanted connectors and equipment that were well-rated for supporting human beings, but weren’t anything that felt too big or too heavy in the hand. The bigger the connectors are, the heavier they are and the more space they take up next to the skin. In the end it was purely out of practicality more than anything else: smaller chain wouldn’t have been sufficient for holding people up, which was something  I knew I eventually I wanted to do.

Q: Do you use anything besides chain?

In the past I have used tubular, high-strength nylon webbing to lift people or limbs in the air, but I haven’t utilized it nearly as much. I’ve found that I simply don’t have sufficient body mass to counter-weight most other people, even using mechanical advantage techniques.

However, I definitely use leather cuffs for ankles and wrists. I’d like to give a shout out to Leather By Danny for making some pretty resilient cuffs. I’m sure I’m using them in a way that he never really considered, but so far they’ve held up nicely.

Q: Where do you get your chain? Do you do any preparation on it? What do you do to maintain it? How is it stored?

A: I get my chain and connectors from hardware stores. However, recently I’ve found that I can get similarly rated and sized connectors directly from manufacturers or suppliers, avoiding the retail markup. It brings the cost down quite a lot.

I don’t do any special preparation on it other than cleaning it with appropriate wipes or solvents as necessary. I try not to store it connected together with any other devices because of galvanic corrosion (an oxidation that occurs when dissimilar metals are in contact with each other while exposed to the elements). It tends to make the surfaces of the chain links and connectors become dulled and really unappealing to look at or to handle.

I accidentally had this happen during Summer Camp 2018 when it rained where my chain and connectors were stored in a backpack. While all of my connectors are stainless steel, the chain is zinc-plated and it looked really bad by the time I got home. Thankfully, you can clean the surfaces with vinegar to restore the appearance. You can either spray and rinse it, or dip it in vinegar and rinse, then let it dry. It doesn’t hurt the surface very much. You definitely don’t want corrosion happening long term, as it will eventually start to damage the metal.

Currently, all of my chain is separated by length in bags with my connectors grouped together by type in a bucket with a rubber-sealed snap-on lid. It works great for keeping everything together but, no shit, now the bucket weighs 60 pounds! So it’s not the best solution. I’ll be looking into wheeled boxes soon as it’s finally becoming unreasonable to lug around.

Q: What’s the cost to become a “chain novice”?

A: If you source the connectors from direct suppliers or manufacturers, the cost can be pretty reasonable for a few lengths of chain and connectors. The size of chain I use is a little over US $2.00/foot, and the shackles I get are about US $2.00 a unit. You can get a lot of chain and connectors for $50-100, as long as you aren’t buying stainless chain. I’d like to replace all of my chain with stainless steel, but the cost is high and ranges wildly. That should get you a decent amount of chain to start doing regular, non-suspension bondage.

Also, try not to buy from chain marine supply stores if you can avoid it, as the markup is outrageous. Look for their suppliers and the stuff that they sell. Call and visit manufacturers and ask around. You’ll find that industry people will give you the names of places that they recommend. You don’t have to tell them what you need it for. It’s not weird. Just pretend you’re looking for good prices on chain and chain accessories. You can buy in bulk and generally people won’t ask questions.

Q: How much chain would you need to start, and what type/how many  connectors?

A: It depends on what your initial exploration and interest is. I didn’t have very many lengths to begin with, and I found myself running short. The more complicated the bondage became, the more chain I needed, even as I made sure to buy lengths that I thought would be more accommodating for various body types and areas.

I recommend people buy zinc/nickel plated chain to begin with as it has a pretty good surface finish for the price. You can buy plastic chain, which is incredibly cheap and is about the same size as most connectors (at least those that have a fairly good rated WLL) but only for practice, experimentation and play-bondage. I’ve thought about buying a bunch in case I ever have the chance to teach.

So far as connectors, you should factor that you need at least one connector per attachment point for each link of chain. If you’re going to use ankle cuffs, you might need one or two per cuff depending on how you intend to support it and how your cuff is made. If you want to connect multiple ends together, think about the connector(s) that you need to accomplish that.

I’ve ended up making multiple trips to stores to buy different connectors as needed, and sometimes I’ve still run short when I’m doing a major project or something with an uncertain execution.

Think about the types of connectors that are available as well. Some connectors are a loop that has an opening, which can attach multiple links together but can only be opened one way in one orientation. Some connectors have two attachment points with only one point able to be opened. For those you’ll need an additional connector to attach to the closed point. Some quick releases are like this.

I can’t stress enough that planning is your greatest asset in this kink.

While I’m on the subject of connectors, don’t ever use padlocks to connect chain links that will be under tension. Padlocks are actually horribly unreliable as load bearing members, and often a little bit of force can cause them to fail. They’re okay for predicament bondage and funsies, but they shouldn’t be relied upon.

The shank of a padlock, no matter the type, is usually one of first points of attack in brute-force security penetration and lockpicking, as it’s often the weakest. Again, don’t rely on any type of lock whatsoever. It’s just a bad idea.

Q: What are the potential dangers of using chain, and what sort of precautions should be taken?

A: Metal allergies are a thing, and it’s important to include it in your negotiation.

It’s direly important to not use connectors for more than what they’re rated for. Do not exceed the Weight Load Limit (WLL) of a connector, even though you are using them all in a system. Don’t use a connector with a low WLL in a main down line. I think this is the worst, possibly most negligent and ill-informed way that you could seriously hurt somebody.

But this comes with a caveat that’s kind of a tip, and kind of a warning; you should be consciously aware of the WLL of connectors you are using to hold up what parts of the body. If you’re holding up someone’s center of mass, you’ll need a stronger connector with a higher WLL than you will if you’re only supporting a leg on its own.

As a rule, it’s always better to have more support than less.

Chain is hard to cut in an emergency, so you should use connectors that can be undone in a hurry. Some connectors when placed under tension don’t allow you to manipulate the orientation to release chain segments. To not fall into this trap, you have to plan ahead accordingly with whatever you’re doing. You can cut chain links with bolt cutters if you have to, but I’m not sure that’s the first emergency step.  You might expend more energy and time cutting the chain links than disassembling your bondage. If you plan your bondage well, you can undo a lot of it with the removal or loosening of a few strategic connectors.

You could end up in a situation where someone is stuck in a configuration because you connected chain segments under tension. That can be dangerous, because they may not have the strength, stamina, energy, or the flexibility to be manipulated in a way to remove that tension in order to loosen the connector. Really get familiar with how your connectors work before you make a choice to use them in certain configurations.

It’s possible to squeeze somebody in a way that could be damaging. Think of a lasso that is fixed in size, and you pull on two ends of it, creating a pinching ellipse around the body, or a limb.

You can totally accidentally drop a load of chain on someone’s foot, and it could hurt. It doesn’t feel great when that happens.

It’s possible to cut or pinch fingers and skin while managing connectors and chain. On my stainless carabiner I’ve pinched my finger often, causing a cut that seems to bleed for a little bit. Carry a styptic pencil in your kit to stop the bleeding, because when you bleed all over your chain it gets a little slick.

It’s only happened once that someone started to have what I think was a panic attack, and they were only experiencing a chest harness. Thankfully it happened early in the scene and it didn’t take very long to get them out.

Q: What’s involved with a “chain scene”? How did you come to determine what makes for an effective scene?

A: As with any bondage, have a specific goal in mind. It can be to be bound tightly, suspended, be in a predicament, or to experience sensation.

At this point if I’m thinking of a chain suspension scene, I plan on the logistics of how it might go in my mind. I think about how and where the drop lines are going, what kind of harnesses or lines I need, and how I’m going to support the person so they can let go and sink into the flight. There’s a lot of pre-planning behind a pose or a configuration.

What has worked well is that in the advance negotiation, I bring up the pose that I’m interested in to see if the person is capable of being in that position, whether or not it conflicts with any of their potential health issues. I also discuss how the chain and harnesses will go on. If it’s agreed upon and satisfactory, then that’s how the pose will go.

During the scene, if there are any complications or any places where the chain feels wrong or harmful, I make adjustments as necessary. I check in regularly to make sure that there aren’t any issues as it’s happening. Once they’re in the position, they can move around a little to make adjustments, but I still check up on them. If they have even the remotest feeling that they want to come down or that something is wrong that can’t be quickly adjusted, then that’s when the scene’s over and the descent starts. I am usually able to get the chain off pretty quickly. Then I’ll inquire about any pain or difficulty, doing a follow-up if there are any problems.

I suppose it sounds way less sexy and exciting this way, but I’d much rather have informed and enthusiastic/affirmative consent beforehand. I think the more the person knows about how it should go down and what we’ll be doing, the better the scene, as we’re all on the same page.

I haven’t done a lot of “spontaneous” chain bondage. Firstly, transitions are a thing that I’m still working on developing. Secondly, the few times I’ve done it, it ended up looking pretty chaotic. There’s a lot of refinement that needs to happen, which is why I suppose all of our photos look like a “finished product”.

Q: What sort of scenes do you engage in publically? Are they different privately? Is it good for intimate scenes?

A: Publicly, I’d do any kind of scene so long as there’s a sober negotiation beforehand. There’s nothing sexual or different in the scenes that I do publicly or privately because, for me, this is more of an art form and less about sexual experiences.

It can be more than a bit of a challenge to figure out how to make it relatively comfortable while also aesthetically pleasing. A successful scene brings me a great deal of satisfaction and I feel pretty accomplished when I manage to do something to which I aspired.

Is it good for intimate scenes? I’m not sure. Maybe. I don’t really have the finesse at this point to “gently slide the links over the bosoms and clasp the link behind in a commanding way.” I’m pretty mechanical about it, but I think and hope I’m not a bondage robot. I suppose that it could be “sexy” if you use smaller chain, more for looks and for minor restraining, as that’s much easier to handle. It’s also relative, as what some people might find intimate others may not.

Q: What do people say about your scenes? What is it they find appealing? What do you see as the appeal?

A: Most people who’ve never seen it before are fascinated or impressed. We’ve had people come up to us afterwards and tell us that it looked really neat, but they haven’t gone into detail about what it is that makes it interesting, so it’s hard to say what the appeal is. It might be the case that the what we’re doing it is new, in making it look like the way rope does artistically.

People don’t expect chain to be used in this way and are surprised that it can be. Chain tends to be seen as secondary in kink, holding cuffs together, extending a hard point, or things of that nature. Here we’re using it as a primary medium, so people are surprised when my play partner or others who’ve experienced it speak of its comfort and sturdiness.

I feel like another appeal is that it erases the stigma of body types in bondage, particularly suspension. Chain is sturdy enough to support anybody, and I see that as a plus. My play partner and I have conversations about this regularly, about how some rope tops refuse to suspend bigger partners and how frustrating that can be.

Q: Where do you see it going? Would you like to see chain become more widespread in BDSM? Do you feel as if you’re perhaps sort of the “Godfather of chain”?

A: I’d like to see more people doing it in the way that we’re doing it. It’s hard to get better in a vacuum, and I’m sure there are more and better techniques we simply haven’t discovered. It’s still pretty experimental, and I look back on the first few photos/work that we did and cringe over how little we knew.

Now that we’ve been able to settle on a few techniques that work, this would be the time for more development and criticism. Because our photos and work are starting to look more like  rope suspension, I suspect people might be taking more of an interest. If anyone had skepticism of it before we started making it look less amateur, it was totally justified.

I’m hesitant to call myself the “Godfather”, as anything you release into the public space is open to anybody. Certainly there’ve been people throughout history who were bondage pioneers. As time’s progressed, there’re people who’ve really ascended to an advanced level with rope bondage, and their work is recognized and appreciated, such that they might be considered a minor authority on the subject.

When I started there were huge shortcomings in the way people had used chain in bondage. Most photos I’d seen used chain similarly to rope, and that’s not a good approach. It doesn’t embrace the strengths, form, and functionality of chain. Sometime in the future someone could take a similar approach to mine, having it take off in ways I’d never considered. Perhaps more elaborate designs of harnesses which are just as supportive, or even more so.

If there’s anything I’d like to be known for in the realm of bondage, it’s for changing up the way people think about what bondage looks like, that rope isn’t the only way of suspending and binding in a visually appealing way.

I’d like to give a shout out to ‘ClimbTheWorld’, as she’s had a ton of input on what works and what doesn’t, utilizing her experience in rope and suspension. Without bouncing ideas, thoughts, and experiments off of her, I wouldn’t be doing this in the way that I am. When I refer to “Us”, or “We”, that’s the other half.


About PirateStan

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community for over 11 years, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.

Tagged With: bdsm, fetish, kink, PirateStan

Interview with The Dark Arts

December 9, 2018 By slave_bunny 2 Comments

Witchy Pixie – https://www.instagram.com/witchy_pixie/
The Dark Arts-https://darkestarts.com/

How did you get your start in the lifestyle?

I was working on a production job a while back and met some people who were into the kink world and learned some stuff from them, mostly how different the actual kink world is than how it’s presented in movies and TV. I filed that information away in my mental memory banks and years later decided to start trying out some rope stuff with a few models. It ended up being fun and making for photos that were so much different than what I was doing up til then, so I kept learning, exploring and experimenting and things kinda snowballed.

What draws you to rope and bondage?

People standing around in clothing, underwear or naked is all fine and dandy, but rope is a less travelled road in terms of “something to put on a body to increase the aesthetic appeal” and it presents not only interesting things to look at from a decorative standpoint, but using the ropes to restrain or contort a body presents a whole new suite of visual options. Of course the tabooness of bondage is a factor too. There’s always something appealing about things that are seen as “forbidden” or “deviant” so that plays into it. Bondage or kink shouldn’t be taboo, and it would be great to live in a world where all forms of consensual art and/or sexuality are normalized, but for now there is that little extra spice in working with a medium that is seen this way.

Can you please describe your artistic process? What do you feel makes it unique?

There are a lot of people out there who do bondage photography, and I really make an effort to make my work stand out as unique in that genre. I think a hallmark of my style is that I really try to focus my images on the full body. I rarely crop out legs or shoot angles that obscure portions of a person. I tend to stand back and get the entire person in there with as blank of a background as possible. Obviously sometimes it’s impossible to have a solid color background when I am not in the studio, but I do my best to clear everything that’s not bolted down out of the frame. The other thing I try to make a signature is the use of lighting and color. I’m always thinking of new flash techniques or color combinations to make things look weird, alien or really pop off the screen.

What do you hope to accomplish with your work?

I’d love to be able to make a living off this, but photography is a tough racket anyway, and bondage photography is even harder. As with most things it boils down to who you know and who among the small number of companies or individuals who can pay for content want to pay you. I pull in a little money from my Patreon, and the book may end up turning a small profit when it’s all said and done, but it would be awesome to be hired to do this.

What does your book Light/Shadow/Color hope to show its viewers? Is there an

underlying message?

I suppose the main message is that bondage is beautiful and all bodies are beautiful. So much of bondage is contained to images of thin, young white and asian women and that alienates so many people of different genders, sizes, ages and colors. I do my best to shoot all kinds of people and show all kinds of bodies. Of course the vast majority of people who model are younger, thinner women, and a lot of men who contact me to shoot come across as really creepy or weird (asking me to find female models to shoot them with, etc…) so my body of work is not as diverse at I’d like it to be, but I try!

Is there a link between your work and your personal life? If so, what is it?

I keep my personal life pretty separate from my kink persona, but I will say that I absolutely incorporate kink into my private life. I am by no means a lifestyle kinkster or anything, and wouldn’t want to be, but I absolutely use my rope and kink skills in my personal relationships.

Can you give some photography Do’s and Don’ts?

Shoot a ton! I always go into a shoot with the expectation that I’ll only get a small number of good finished shots but I shoot a ton of each tie. The more you shoot of a setup, the higher the chances you’ll get a few that look amazing. It’s also important to make the model feel comfortable. If your intentions are to get some ass from a shoot, the model will smell that like stink on shit, so just… don’t. Be up front about everything from the get-go and be chill and easy going. Don’t make sexual jokes, don’t touch models in weird ways, don’t use pet names or compliment their boobs or butt. Use your damn head! Literally every shoot I do eventually gets to the point where we talk about all the creepy photographers they’ve shot with. Don’t be in those conversations! If a model is comfortable they will give you amazing photos even if they are not pros. Just being relaxed allows them to move more freely, make eye contact, not come across tense. Lastly, ease up on the damn skin filters! I know that a lot of people are self conscious about their appearance, but some photographers really overdo it on the filters and make people like like plastic.

What is the most challenging thing about your work?
For some reason it’s shooting in LA. I don’t know why, but I have had so many flakes and no-shows there. Must be something in the water. Beyond that it’s trying to not get burned out by shooting or getting bored. Sometimes it feels like I’m shooting the same stuff over and over, but that doesn’t last long. I do scale back shooting sometimes to get other things done in life, but usually shoot with some kind of regularity.

What do you feel your work reveals about you as a person?

I keep kind of mysterious as a person, but I imagine that people see my work and imagine a person who is very creative and principled with technique and style. THey may also see me as kind of a smartass if they follow my Instagram stories where I mess with all the dumbasses who message me thinking I am the models in my photos.

Are you currently working on any new projects? If so, what are they?

The book was just launched, so that’s the big project right now. There’s nothing else planned for a while other than more shooting and trying to think of new things to do!

Where can individuals view/purchase your work?

My website is the place to buy my book. I post all my work on Patreon, every photo! So if you want to see everything I do, Patreon is the place to do it for a very small monthly pledge. I also sell prints through email. I tried to make a self-service print site once and literally NOBODY ordered one after like two months so I closed it. It cost money to maintain and was not worth it. So now if anybody wants a print all they have to do is email me!

What is your overall goal as an artist? How do you plan to accomplish this?

My only real goal is to stay interested. If I lose interest I will stop doing it. If I can make some actual money with this then awesome, but that’s not necessarily a goal given how difficult that is.

 Any closing thoughts?

Not really. I’m just happy to have the fans I do and like providing something fun and cool for people to enjoy in this otherwise trash fire of a world we live in!


About The Dark Arts

The Dark Arts is a Washington State based rope bondage rigger and photographer. They got into the art of shibari five years ago after being hired to shoot some people at a local kink club, began experimenting with the art form and soon was creating bondage imagery not seen very much from other people working in the bondage scene. The Dark Arts is constantly pushing the envelope of visual style, trying to incorporate bold colors and lighting and seeking diverse models that one generally doesn’t see in shibari photography. They strive to show all genders and bodies in rope, bucking the tradition of only putting petite white and Asian women in rope. LIGHT/SHADOW/COLOR is their first book and compilation of work.

Links:
https://darkestarts.com
https://www.patreon.com/thedarkarts
https://instagram.com/darkartsphoto/

Tagged With: bdsm, bondage, fetish, kink, Rope, ropeplay, shibari, The Dark Arts

Interview with Master Hercules

November 25, 2018 By slave_bunny 3 Comments


Can you please tell us how you first become a part of this community?

Even though I know I started exploring my kinky side when I was very young.  My first real introduction to the lifestyle was when I was 20, so almost 30 years ago.  Back then I met a woman, who I refer in my conversations as my Mrs. Robinson. She was not married but she was older than me by 20 years, a cougar before there was even term for that.  She was the one who introduced me to the lifestyle first in one on one play and then into more group settings and back then there were not really any public places to go, but there were private events and clubs.  Also, when I started my exploration into this I started out as a slave and was one for about 11 years.

When did you know you were a Dominant? How did this information change/impact your life?

I have always been dominant in some way in my life, even in my slave years.  Of course, in my early years I had my kink side, which of course had to stay hidden.  Then there was my Vanilla life for which I tended to do jobs that required being more dominant, like being a bouncer.  Back on the other side in my kink life, as I mentioned I was a slave and in time that segued into being a Switch. I finally made my full transformation into being an all out Dominant in my 30s.  This was about the time I also started blending my vanilla life and kink life together an being more open about it. I have always been a man about balance and respecting and even making what we would consider feminine part of my life but then I would shut out various aspects of the masculine.  I believe once I excepted the masculine more, is when my true Dom came out. Sounds a little woo woo, but we all have our journeys, don’t we?

Did you have any fears going from vanilla to kink? If so, how did you help to assuage them?

Of course, I did.  I have been doing this for quit sometime now but it is not until in the past decade that kink has become more normalized.  Fuck, I hid my shit even from other lifestyles in the beginning, such as the swinger community (which I was a part of) because I did not want to get judged.  My first sense of normalization came from my work as an AIDS Buddy, which was a program that connected you with an individual who had AIDS and your job at that time was to help them die.  Anyways, one of my buddies I was assigned to was into kink and more importantly the leather scene. He was also a gay man and what I found inspiring about him was that he owned both those identities and did not care what others thought of him.  It because of the normalization of various communities such as the LGB (eventually TQ), swing, poly, etc. which helped me challenge those fears.

Can you elaborate on your work in the community? Can you define therapeutic Dom in your words?

I wear many hats in the work I do, and it is a spectrum at that.  At one end I am a Sex, Intimacy & Relationship Coach (a.k.a. The Pleasure Coach), as well as being a sensual bodyworker and even throw into the mix being a vanilla massage therapist and a cuddle therapist.  How did I get being a Pro Dom from all that, well as I my journey went from slave to switch to Dom, I eventually started presenting workshops and lecturing. My coaching work started becoming niche and I started working with more people exploring their kinky sides (thank you 50 Shaded of you know what) and doing mentoring.  Even my sensual bodywork expanded into including Bondassage for which I had the honor of learning from Mistress Jaeleen. The Therapeutic Dom aspect came from the idea of who I am. I enjoy helping people in many ways as you can see, and I also think kink/BDSM is very therapeutic. Say you are being flogged. 1. Flogging (done right) is very grounding 2.  Depending on the type of flogger, flogging and the person flogging you. A flogging session can actually feel wonderful on the body. 3. During a session, the person receiving can go into sub space and experience a connection between the mind, the body and the energy (spirit) around them. In many ways this like a regular massage and has many therapeutic values.

In your opinion how do therapy/mental health and kink work together?

Yes, they do and there has been a good amount of information coming out about this, especially from organization like the Center For Positive Sexuality http://positivesexuality.org  In my area of work I do a form of work called Therapeutic Spanking.  What I do approaches it on a rather simple level but there are far more advanced ways it has been used.  For the people I work with, we use it for several areas, but the most common area is for grounding. I have a client I work with who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and her explanation of how the spanking works for her, is that when she starting to get into a bad state of being, she feels disconnected from her physical body.  The spanking for her helps her reconnect and become more present with in her body and mind/

Are there mental health benefits from practicing kink/BDSM? Can kink/BDSM ever be detrimental?

Of course there are benefits and with recent studies, I am sure we are just hitting the tip of the iceberg.  On the most basic level, I see with kink/BDSM it helps with one’s self, whether it is with awareness or esteem which gives people a better sense of well-being.  With that said though, with ever positive there is a negative, so yes there are detrimental sides. I just mentioned that kink/BDSM can in positive way help with someone’s self esteem, but I have also found that there are those who try to enter this lifestyle who have low self esteem about themselves.  My experience has been that they are trying to find connection at any cost and they feel if they partake in this community they will get what they need even if it hurts them not just physically but mentally. For individuals like this, they need to step back from the community and do self-work for themselves and then if they are still interested they should try again.

Are you currently working on any new projects? If so, what are they?

Well I am always trying to work, train and teach.  In the past year, when I can I have been researching and discussing the effect that SESTA/FOSTA has had on our community, especially the Pro aspect.

I have also been talking and looking for photographers about an idea for combining people into kink and their everyday lives

What is your overall mission concerning kink/BDSM and the Kink Community? How does your work go about accomplishing this?

To make everyone kinky …. I wish but it is a happy thought.  Honestly, I work to be the best kink positive person I can be and lead by example.  I want to stand by the work I do and continue to talk, educate and be there for others.

What is the most rewarding thing(s) about your job?

The fact that I get to do this for a living.  I know it is a generic answer, but it is so true.  To expand though, it is a physical, mental and energy high, when I am done working with a client and you have met her needs.

What is the most challenging thing(s) about your job?

For me is that I can only do this part time.  It is not easy being a male Pro Dom always, especially if you only work with female identified clients.  Even though women have come along way with their sexuality and paying for it, exploring kink/BDSM is whole different ball game which requires trust and that is a good thing but still makes it difficult. I mentioned it before, SESTA/FOSTA laws make is hard to advertise my services.

How do you separate working in the community from your personal life?

I do not really separate honestly.  I am and will always be kinky, it is who I am.  When I am working on a professional level, I do have to take a step away from that in mindset that that is work, just like I do with any of my other work.  However, since kink is part of my life. I must remind myself, it is not work and you still can have fun. I hope that makes sense.

In your opinion what makes for a good Dom/Domme?

Wow, how many pages do I need to answer this.  Okay let us, start by say what a bad Dom is. In many cases these are the ones I call “Wanna Be Doms”.  Generally male identified but can be female identified as well. They are all talk, domineering not dominant and have a perception of kink/BDSM of what they think it is and not what it is.

Now a good Dom, whatever identified gender, has many qualities.  I find the first quality is that they are authentic and who they are.  I call myself Master Hercules, because master is the archetype I decided to connect with and use, but that is not what makes me a good Dom. Hercules, the person behind that title is what make me a good Dom.  With that I feel that a good Dom is good in communicating and expressing their true intentions, which is especially good in today consent culture. They are who they are and do not have to boast about themselves.  

What makes for a good submissive?

Another question that could surely go on for pages.  In many ways, what I said about a good Dom correlates to a good submissive.  For me personally, I look for those who able to articulate their desires and limits openly and honestly.  Someone who can think outside the box. A person who is committed and not going to ghost you. Since the list can be quite extensive, I would say a submissive must trust you enough to submit to you

What is the number one common misconception that needs to be dispelled concerning the Kink and Fetish Communities? How can we go about eradicating this?

This is what I say when I am I talking to an audience.  There is nothing wrong with me or other in kink/BDSM. I have not mental health issues, I was not abused as a child, I am a Spiritual Atheist, so I did not practice organized religion.  All the bad press and negative things that you have been told that are part of kink/BDSM and that are wrong for people that are in the scene, have never happened to me. I am like you in many ways, but I like to cause pain to people who give me consent and desire to receive it.  How we can eradicate it is simple just by having honest discussions about it.

Any closing words?

Nothing profound but thank you for the opportunity to so this.  I love that there are outlets like Kink Weekly that are out there for us kinksters.


About Master Hercules

Master Hercules is a Pro Dom who has been active non – professionally & professionally in BDSM for over 20 years and plays with in many aspects of BDSM lifestyle.  His approach to kink/BDSM is that of a Therapeutic aspect, which is why Hercules refers to himself as a Therapeutic Dom.  He is a Kink Educator who speaks and teaches in various aspects of kink/BDSM, as well coaching others in the lifestyle. 
Master Hercules http://www.MasterHercules.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/masterhercules/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/MasterHerc

Tagged With: bdsm, fetish, kink, Master Hercules, slave bunny

Interview with Emily from Center for Positive Sexuality

November 18, 2018 By slave_bunny 3 Comments


Can you tell us how the Center got its starts?

The Center started in 2007 as a small group of volunteer educators going to local (LA) colleges talking about personal experiences with BDSM. After some time, this expanded to other subjects, more volunteers, and then in 2013 became an actual 501c3 organization.

What is the Center’s overall mission?

The website and our brochures say: “Addressing social issues through sex positive research and education.” What that means is creating and supporting programs and individuals who use positive sexuality as a means to address and solve a variety of social issues, including but not limited to: lack of access to sex-positive education, healthcare, research, etc.; supporting marginalized gender and sexual identities; using positive sexuality as a framework for humanizing others, etc.

How does the Center go about accomplishing this?

Currently, we have two main branches: Education and Research. Our Education Programs consist of: presentations for colleges, universities, organizations, parents, and professionals; outreach on college campuses and community events; an Education intern program; and our newest program – a Sex Positive Professional Certification Program.

Our Research Program consists of: Research Affiliates and Assistants from various universities and organizations with a history of positive sexuality publications; our peer-reviewed academic journal, Journal of Positive Sexuality; and a Research intern program.

Both of these programs intersect, helping one another to stay current and focused on our mission.

What communities are you currently involved with?

That’s a big question in a way. We’re involved with many LA local communities, including colleges, universities, and student organizations; BDSM clubs; organizations that promote sex-positive education and parenting; and various other sex positive groups. We’re also connected to communities and organizations across the country and in other parts of the world.

Can you elaborate more on your research? What does your research seek to accomplish/find?

If you mean the Center’s research, we mainly focus on research that promotes positive sexuality, involves participants from marginalized groups, and promotes health and well-being. Some of our research also points out the discrepancies and problems with past or current research on issues like sex work, sex addiction, and other topics, highlighting what could be done to improve our thinking about these topics.

If you mean my personal research, I mainly work on topics around deviance and leisure, BDSM, sexual identities, and feminism. I think overall all of this research is meant to show that 1) sexual identity is diverse and 2) positive sexuality can be used to accomplish a great deal of humanizing and peacemaking that is necessary for us all to not only survive, but live well.

Concerning education, what types of presentations does the Center give? Where does the Center present their presentations?

We give presentations on a variety of topics, including BDSM, polyamory/non-monogamy, sex work, consent, body image, gender spectrum, and so much more. We also tailor specific presentations for certain audiences when needed.

We’ve presented mostly in Los Angeles, but we also have educators in Illinois and Idaho, and have conducted presentations online for organizations in New York, San Francisco, and other areas. The internet lets us go anywhere we’re needed.

How does one go about volunteering/helping out? What type of volunteers are you looking for?

The easiest way is to check our Volunteer page and fill out an application: http://positivesexuality.org/about-us/volunteer-opportunities/

We always need more educators. We also really need some Admin volunteers. We need people who can consistently help with social media posts, putting together fund raisers and events, working at Outreach tables in various community spaces, as well as working on aspects of accounting, data entry, etc. We’re expanding at an exponential rate and need dedicated people who can offer their time to fill some important positions.

Are you currently working on any new projects? If so, what are they?

Like I mentioned earlier, we’re rolling out our new Sex Positive Professional Certification Program. We have a beta-test group going through the program now to help us work out (in?) some kinks and make sure we really hit everything we meant to in the program. This will be made public by early 2019. It is designed for any type of professional who wishes to expand their knowledge and serve a more diverse client base from a positive sexuality perspective. No previous human sexuality education is necessary. It’s all included.

In your opinion, what makes your organization unique?

The diversity of the volunteers and the collective nature of how we work on projects. Everyone is valued and important, whether they contribute $1/month or thousands per year; whether they email opinions in occasionally or show up to everything we do. We’re trying to make the world a better place through positive sexuality, and that has to start from within the organization.

What is the biggest challenge the Center is currently facing? How can we help remedy this?

We’re growing at a very rapid rate right now. Although funds are always welcome, what we really need are a few very dedicated people that can quickly move into responsible positions on the Board, on committees, and in other spaces that help our infrastructure to support our programs.

What is the most fulfilling aspect concerning working at the Center?

For me, it’s the people I work with. Meetings aren’t something to dread, they’re a social event where we get things done. I love the people I get to interact with. I love their energy and dedication. And I love seeing them make connections with others in the organization as friends and colleagues.

After that, it’s of course actually seeing our mission get accomplished in so many ways. We have a broad international network that supports, produces, and reproduces our work. We haven’t taken over the world yet, but we’re getting there.

What is the environment like at the Center?

In a way that’s difficult to answer. We don’t have a physical location, although there are a few spaces we regularly use for meetings and events. Most of the time we’re interacting online or seeing each other when educating, conducting outreach, or working events. However, our overall environment is very open and welcoming. We’re a diverse group and we strive to make everyone feel a part of the organization. We support one another. Although there is somewhat of a hierarchy for the necessity of keeping things running, all input is welcome. We rely heavily on everyone’s opinions and ideas to move us forward. Essentially, we follow our 4Cs: Consent, Communication, Caring, and Caution.

What are your organization’s core values? How do these relate to the overall mission of your organization?

We follow our 4Cs, as well as our 8 Dimensions of Positive Sexuality. [I’ll attach an outline of these for you, should you wish to reference them.] These are our core values as well as how we decide what does and does not meet our mission. If the project, person, or organization doesn’t fit that model, then it doesn’t fit the Center.

What is the long-term goal for the Center? How do you plan to go about achieving this?

Super long-term goal, as with any social organization, is to not be necessary any longer. We hope for a world where no one is marginalized, all people are actually treated with respect and care, and sexuality and related issues are pursued from a positive perspective.

In the real world of attainable goals, we hope to become the center for positive sexuality. We want to be the core that supports positive sexuality education, research, therapy, and so much more.

We’re getting there. We have more support now than we ever did, and we are quickly moving forward. Our education program is very strong. We are building to other cities around the country and we have a great internship program for students who wish to study and teach about human sexuality from a variety of perspectives. Our research program is also strong, with a growing list of established researches affiliating with our organization, using our interns on their projects, and publishing worldwide. As we roll out our upcoming Certification Program, that will increase our reach and our revenue. This allows us to feed back to all of our programs and grow that much more.

Any closing words?

I don’t do this alone. I have a sexy and amazing group of people who provide time, energy, and funding to make the Center what it is and what it will become. The Center for Positive Sexuality is an amazing group that has managed to accomplish a lot, and will continue to do so.


About Emily

Emily E. Prior, MA
Executive Director
Co-Founder Journal of Positive Sexuality

Emily E. Prior is the Executive Director for the Center for Positive Sexuality. Since 1996 she has been teaching formal and informal classes about a variety of sexuality-related topics including Gender, Deviance, Relationships and Family, and Feminism. She is an adjunct professor at several colleges and universities, has over a dozen publications, and has presented at conferences around the U.S. She is frequently interviewed about her research, the Center, and positive sexuality in general. She also won the Vern Bullough Award for research. To contact Emily, please email at emily@positivesexuality.org.

Check out the Center’s website: http://positivesexuality.org/about-us/

 

Tagged With: bdsm, Center For Positive Sexuality, Emily E. Prior, fetish, kink, slave bunny

Interview with Submissive Cupcake SinClair

October 15, 2018 By slave_bunny 3 Comments

Rico J Coria Photography

Can you tell us a little about your background and how you got your start in the Kink Community?

I was a bit of an introvert growing up and had more books than friends back in the day! One day, I stumbled across Marquis de Sade’s book “Justine” and  my curiousity was peaked! I did my research and never looked back. I went to munches, then play parties, and eventually was lucky enough to end up working at one of the dungeons I frequented.

Can you tell us what fulfills you most about being a professional submissive?

As cliché as it sounds, the ability to allow people to express parts of themselves they might have originally felt ashamed of, as well as being able to educate through communication and vulnerability.

What is the biggest challenge you face with your job?

Primarily, creating a space that allows people the ability to give themselves permission to just be. As a pro-sub, many of our clients tend not to be lifestylers (whether due to a busy job, or partner complications, etc). With this being said, allowing people the space to communicate their interests and desires in a healthy way can be a little tough because in our society opening up to people – especially to strangers-may seem like a daunting task. Before play, first and foremost, I strive to create an atmosphere where clients can feel free to express themselves if they allow me to do so.

Do you feel that pro submissives are more at risk safety-wise than pro Doms? What are some precautionary measures you always make sure to take?

I can only speak from my experience, and my experience in being a pro-submissive has always been within a specific dungeon I work at. At our dungeon, we always have a negotiation prior to actual play to establish one another’s limits and expectations of what will happen within play. During play, we use safe words if needed, the doors do not lock, and typically the receptionist will keep time of the sessions, and use an intercom system to give “last ten minute” notifications, which I have to verbally respond to as a check-in system. I can’t gauge risk overall because I personally have never felt at-risk, and it would be irresponsible for me to guess.

What are your specialties?

I’m a bit of a Jill-of-all-trades! My specialty is being so versed in kink personally that I am able to take on the energy my partner desires in a scene, make it my own, and have fun! Some have told me, however, that I stand out in the areas of Ageplay Roleplay (DDLG, and ABDL) as well as petplay, impact, and protocol.

Do you find that pro submissives are rarer than other kinds of professionals in the Kink Community?

That’s an interesting question! Within the Kink Community I don’t believe so. However, when dealing with those who may not be in the community, pro-submissives are definitely considered a rarity. Mainstream television is filled with portrayals, interviews, and scenarios about Dominatrixes, so, when I mention that I’m a pro sub (and that pro-switches exist) most people initially have a hard time wrapping their head around it!

Do your own fetishes factor into your work? If so, how?

Partially! I’m lucky enough to be a pretty versatile play partner. So, apart from about three hard limits, I’m typically able to take on the energy that a client wants from me, make it my own, and find it enjoyable! That being said, it’s also useful because if a client comes in who is apprehensive or simply uncertain about certain fetishes, I can add my personal experience of engaging in it to make the experience relatable, and hopefully encourage them to feel open enough to explore it together with me. It’s amazing how often people fantasize about fetishes, but may be scared to act them out once they find a willing partner in real life, and I feel grateful that I’m able to help people through it.

Are you a lifestyler as well? If so, how do you separate your work and private life? Do you identify as a submissive in your personal life?

I’m definitely a lifestyler, and I do identify as submissive all around! The only time I will ever really “top” is for educational purposes, or in videos when I have a specific idea and don’t have a top available. Submissive doesn’t necessarily mean doormat though!

In terms of separating what I do in my professional life, there isn’t much of a clear line. However, the most concrete example I can think of is through my play style. While I’m a versatile sub and genuinely enjoy playing off of my partner’s energy for scenes, I do personally enjoy rougher, more intense scenes that push my limits as a masochist. What I am talking about tends to involve blood, (one example being that my favorite toy is literally a barbed wire bat named Lucille), and usually includes psychological manipulation. This cannot happen in a professional scene. Another example may be that in professional sessions there is more of a regard for my client, their experience, and their catharsis over mine – whereas, in my personal play it may be the opposite.

What is the most fun aspect of your job?

Being able to facilitate a variety of fetishes in one day! It’s so much fun having clients come in, and going from fetish to fetish through the span of a work day! It never gets dull and I’m always on my toes.

What do you feel your clients gain from sessions with you? What is unique about what you can offer your clients?

As cliché as it sounds, I feel my clients can gain the confidence to explore and communicate their fetishes with their partners or by themselves. I suppose I am unique in that there’s not many fetishes or kinks that I’m not versed in. Because I’m a huge kinkster as well, I can happily provide the space for clients to become educated,  be encouraged, and feel comfortable enough to explore.

Do you feel you have grown personally from being a pro submissive? If so, how? Have your clients grown from sessions with you? If so, how?

Quite so! If clients learned from me and I learned nothing back it would be such a stagnant process. I feel I’ve personally grown in my ability to establish boundaries, communicate effectively, and facilitate negotiations that cover a wide basis in order to prepare both parties, and help create a more comfortable experience. And I hope that my clients learn the same, along with (if needed) how to safely engage in different aspects of BDSM play.

What would you say is the best advice you can offer those looking to be a pro submissive?

For those seeking to be a professional submissive, please have a gauge of what you are into as well as your limits. If you’re uncertain about certain areas of kink, don’t be afraid to speak up and acknowledge them when negotiating with a client – or if you’re able to try it on your own, do so! Not having a firm idea of your boundaries and interests not only does you a disservice, it does the client one as well!

What is the best advice you can give to those wanting to find a pro submissive?

Please be respectful of boundaries, and research the submissive you are interested in seeing! Just like every person, we all have our own unique specialties and limits, and are not one size fits all. That being said, while not always necessary, an idea of what you were hoping to experience always helps, so, when negotiating the submissive has a better idea of the scene, and is less likely to feel caught off guard. Also, don’t be afraid if you haven’t the slightest clue of what you want! It’s natural to be nervous, but rest assured there is a desire to help make your fetishes come to life as much as possible, and there is no judgement.

What do you love the most about working at Sanctuary?

The sense of family and closeness to community! I don’t have much of a bio family. Because of this, being able to have a chosen family that I can work, grow, and learn with is an opportunity I never would have dreamed of. It literally is a sanctuary!

How do your core values govern your professional and personal life concerning kink?

I go by two values:

The first is “The 4Cs” created by The Center for Positive Sexuality – “Consent, Communication, Caring, and Caution”

The second is more prevalent in the kink community and it is RACK – “Risk, Aware, Consensual, Kink”

Both of them are important and powerful values when combined. The 4Cs apply greatly to my professional kink work, while RACK is powerful for my personal kink life. In professional kink work, following the 4Cs can be a great guide in helping to enhance a scene and making it as meaningful as possible -with all parties aware of boundaries and needs while doing so.

What do you feel is the most important thing to remember concerning power exchange?

In my opinion, in a power exchange it is important to remember that Dominant does not mean asshole (unless consented to), and submissive does not mean doormat (unless consented to)! And even then, joking aside, those terms can be interpreted differently from person to person! Power exchanges can only take place when both parties give consent for it to occur, and are aware of one another’s expectations, boundaries, and needs while doing so.

Any closing words?

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to share my perspective! If people are interested in seeing me in action, but are too far to play with me at Sanctuary Studios LAX, I have a kinky clip store that showcases a variety of  fetishes that I am into, along with things I may not be available to do in person (www.clips4sale.com/97659). I am also on twitter @subbie_cupcake! Thank you again for your time!


About Submissive Cupcake SinClair

Cupcake SinClair is a lifestyle and professional submissive of 5+ years at Sanctuary LAX, who has also participated in performance bottoming for fetish oriented parties (such as the monthly Club Anarchy Parties hosted by Sanctuary, DomCon LA 2015, and Threshold’s Kinky Valentine party). Whether it is heavy impact, an intense rope scene, role play, or service and high protocol oriented submission, she enjoys a wide variety of play that pushes and explores her limits, and particularly enjoys participating in community events to better learn about the diverse lifestyle she plays within.
Be sure to check out her website: https://cupcake-sinclair.wixsite.com/sinfullysweet

Tagged With: dom, power exchange, pro sub, sanctuary, sub, Submissive Cupcake SinClair

Interview with Kali from Kink Academy

August 6, 2018 By slave_bunny 4 Comments

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Can you tell us a little about how and why Kink Academy was started? What is Kink Academy’s mission?

I launched Kink Academy nearly 11 years ago because I had been spending quite a bit of time teaching at BDSM conferences, and a large chunk of my social circle were other kink and sexuality educators. I really felt that something magical was happening at these conferences, and felt that people who weren’t able to come to these conferences were missing out. Because of this, I saw there was an opportunity for real education that could teach folks how to explore their sexuality as safely as possible. I wanted to bring this incredible education to the masses.

Kink Academy’s motto is “be accepted.” We encourage and create a sense of inclusively and diversity that represents the huge range of sexual exploration that the idea of kink encapsulates.

Our mission is to help any consenting adult who wants to learn to explore and express their sexuality in a more creative way, to do so by learning from a variety of perspectives. At the root of the Kink Academy philosophy is the commitment to show the range of human beings that explore kink, which means people of all different ages, ethnicities, and body shapes doing kinky things in realistic ways. We also wanted to “draw back the curtain” to show the mechanics of what it means to put together a successful kink scene.

It can be exhilarating and inspiring to watch porn and even edu-porn that is focused more on titillating than on educating. I wanted to flip that framework, and show our members exactly how to do these activities (like bondage, impact play, and gender exploration) in a way that allowed them to then go and create their own titillating experiences.

In your opinion, what makes Kink Academy unique compared to other educational sites/platforms?

One is that the site was created at the start of what is now called “the #sextech movement.” We were one of the first, if not the first web site, to tackle BDSM sexuality in video format with an intense focus on educational portrayal, and with its philosophy rooted in the community and in realistic portrayals of kink. We also offer a diversity of perspectives and backgrounds. We have folks who are longtime bondage riggers alongside therapists, doctors, certified sex educators, and longtime sex workers. We really try to give our members a lot of options so that they can find someone that they relate to in order to learn the most effectively.

We focus on videos (with both a free and paid section) plus a free blog and podcast. Videos are between three minutes and 12 minutes. You can watch a single video to learn a new technique or concept or a series of videos, which allows one to sit and watch four to six to 12 clips or more on the same subject (which becomes more of a comprehensive class). You can also watch our videos based on your own schedule, which is a really important feature of Kink Academy.

What kind of content do you publish on the site? What subjects/topics are featured on the site? How wide is the spectrum of what you feature/want to feature?

The subjects and topics range from all kinds of creative sexuality including kink-related and BDSM topics such as: bondage, discipline, dominance, and submission. Everything from tickling to feederism. We cover a wide range of fetishes. We also explore different relationship structures like polyamory, monogamy, and swinging. We also have some fantastic educators who talk about gender identity and gender exploration. So, really anything that has to deal with sexuality, relationships, gender, intimacy, and communications in an interpersonal dynamic.

We still have a lot of topics that we would love to add to Kink Academy. There is a never ending spectrum of topics when it comes to sex and gender and relationships, and we look forward to adding even more subjects that we haven’t yet addressed on Kink Academy as well as revisiting popular topics with new educators and experts with new perspectives.

On your site, I noticed that there are three different skill levels- can you elaborate on how this is useful for those in the community?

We have three different skill levels on the site that all of the videos are categorized by. However, the levels are a general guideline. One of the most important things to remember as you explore your own kink journey is that everyone has a different yardstick, and that’s OK. What might be labeled as a beginner on Kink Academy might feel very advanced for you. So, you should go with your own assessment. The beginner, intermediate, and advanced labels are to just give a suggested framework for where these different activities lie.

I’ve personally set the categories based on my nearly 15 years of experience as a BDSM educator. In my experience, spanking is something that can be done relatively safely and relatively simply. So, that’s something that would go under the beginner category in the larger framework of kink. Whereas, bondage and humiliation are things that you need to have quite a bit more experience with, and need to have a greater awareness of safety and communication.

I know you are a company that always tries to have something new on the horizon. Can you tell our readers about some of the new and upcoming things viewers can look forward to on Kink Academy?

We have some exciting things on the horizon! The last couple of years we’ve been focusing on the 2,000 videos that currently make up our library. But we’re starting to shoot new videos with some of our most popular educators, as well as some new faces. We’re especially focusing on marginalized voices including women, non-binary folks, bottoms/submissives, and niche fetishes. Our new way of shooting and collecting content is going to be an exciting opportunity for BDSM and sexuality educators that we’re hoping to launch in the next few months.

We are also working on different ways to make the site more accessible to folks with disabilities such as hearing impairments or visual impairments. While we are a very small company with a small budget, we are committed to improving the accessibility of Kink Academy in any and every possible way including making our blog posts audio files, and working on starting to get our new videos to be closed captioned.

What are some stereotypes that Kink Academy tries to dispel?

One of the main stereotypes that Kink Academy has tried to dispel is that all kinksters are thin, white, conventionally attractive, heterosexual pairings. The real world of kink is comprised of such a huge range of individuals, couples, relationship styles, and interests; Kink Academy has strived and continues to strive to visually show a realistic portrayal of not only the kind of people that are into kink, but the way kink looks when it’s not overly glamorized or overproduced as well.

How broad is your educator network? How does one go about becoming an educator?

The Kink Academy educator network started out as my personal educator network with people that I already knew and respected within the sexuality field, or those that were recommended to me by folks that I respect. We have worked with educators all over America as well as some international educators. We’re really proud of the diversity of our experts (as you might have noticed because I’ve mentioned it a few times in this interview!)

Up until this point, Kink Academy has always been the one to travel to where the educators are located to shoot the content. With the expansion of technology and the ease of editing programs that have blossomed over the last decade, we’re going to be able to accept content from pre-approved educators from anywhere in the world. That’s really exciting because it opens the site up to being able to feature educators beyond those that we can physically reach.

If someone is interested in being an educator on Kink Academy or  PassionateU, they can click on this link, fill out a quick form, and their information will be put into our mailing list. Then, when we’re ready to make the official announcement about submitting new content to everyone on the list, they will be notified and will be given the process of how to apply.

How long has the site been up and running? What do you feel helps the most when making a site last over a decade?

Kink Academy is in its 11th year! We launched in 2007, and it has been a long and incredible journey to keep Kink Academy going. I think that folks often don’t understand that BDSM businesses are generally driven by passion rather than profits. From the very beginning, I’ve been committed to being a positive part of the “kink economy”, including paying our educators and providing a 50% profit sharing program for community organizations and individuals to use as a fundraiser and income producer.

Kink Academy has really filled a void for folks who are not able to afford the costs of conferences. Kink Academy allows folks who have smaller budgets to still access high-quality education, and it also can become a supplemental resource for folks who are able to take in-person classes (this allows viewers to further practice physical skills, learn from experts who are not geographically close to them, and re-watch the classes so that their skills can become much stronger).

The thing I feel helps the most when trying to make a site last over the decade is having a vision and understanding that no one will care about your vision the way that you do. One of the most important things to remember is that if you have a dream, you have to be the driving force behind it, and you have to take a look at what you are able and willing to sacrifice in order to achieve that dream. Also, please understand that folks that may be interested in your dream may not always be interested in the work that it takes to get there. Remember that things always take longer, cost more, and are more complicated than you originally anticipated!  You have to build a project that can sustain your passion throughout the obstacles.

What do you feel the Kink Community is missing the most at large? How do you think your site can help with this?

I feel that the Kink Community is missing more of a focus on soft skills. Graydancer was talking about this recently on Twitter after Ropecraft, and it’s something that I agree very strongly with. At conferences, attendees tend to want to go to the flashy, snazzy, hard skills classes – how to how to tie a hogtie, or how to flog someone, or how to do a face slapping. Obviously, both for safety as well as for the success of the scene, those skills are vital. However, I think that as a whole, the kink world tends to rush through what I call the “meta kink,” which focuses on what’s happening inside our minds, our spirits, and with our emotions and psychology. As an educator, I focus on helping folks understand what is happening inside of them so that they can then better manifest whatever activities will create the headspace that they are seeking. But, too often, kinky folks try to put the cart before the horse. One of my core educational concepts is “intention not activity.” This phrase addresses the assumption that an activity will automatically create the internal experience that one is seeking. “I flog, therefore I dominate. I crawl, therefore I submit.”

What is the long term goal for Kink Academy? How will accomplishing this goal positively affect the community at large?

The long term goal for Kink Academy is to become the most recognized resource for diverse and creative sexuality for consenting adults. We’re going to achieve that by continuing to grow our video library, continuing to improve the accessibility of the site, and continuing to incorporate new technology to make visiting Kink Academy more interesting and more functional for our members.

The way that this will affect the community at large is really twofold. One, is that it offers initial education to folks who don’t have access to in-person experiences, as well as being a supplemental resource for those who participate in-person in the Kink Community. But, I think that it also makes kink more reachable to folks that don’t consider themselves part of the “Kink Community.” Many of us consider kink to be a fundamental aspect of who we are, and it might affect our politics, our relationships, and the way that we move through the world. However, there is a huge part of the human population that is interested in kink in a more casual way. These folks want to learn to do things safely, and want to have creative, adventurous sexual experiences in their lives. But, they don’t identify in the same way a “kinky person” does. In short, Kink Academy is a resource for all of those people as well.


About Kali

Princess Kali is a dynamic educator & entrepreneur that focuses on power exchange, confidence & communication. With over 16 years of experience in exploring sexually alternative lifestyles & professions she has presented over 160 times at venues such as Harvard, Kink in the Caribbean, Dark Odyssey and SXSW. Now her time is focused on personal coaching, running her revolutionary website KinkAcademy.com, speaking across the US as well as internationally and promoting her first book, “Enough To Make You Blush: Exploring Erotic Humiliation. 

 
www.KinkAcademy.com

Tagged With: bdsm, fetish, Kali, kink, Kink Academy, kink education, Princess Kali, sex education

Interview with Madame Margherite

July 16, 2018 By slave_bunny 4 Comments

img_2840Photo by: Slave Boy Julia

Please give us a little background about you. What is it that you do? How did you get in this line of work? What was your educational and professional background before this?

I’m a Dominatrix & Fetish Specialist. I specialize in Animal & Pet Play. I first got into Fetish related work in late 2012, when I was still living in New York. Previous to that, I was primarily a Professional Writer, but also a Television and Commercial Producer with my own Production & Marketing companies. Really, everything I did and my course of action were always unconventional. I always understood the importance of not only sexuality, but also intimacy. When I decided to explore what people generalize as sex work, I had been spending a lot of time with erotic entertainers and dancers. I would hire them to entertain clients, and had grown very fond of some of them. Some became friends.

In 2012, Superstorm Sandy really made things difficult for my business, which was already getting to be more work than I was willing to commit to. So, I decided to experiment with some unconventional jobs I had heard about. The first type of fetish work I did were private, focused parties. For example foot fetish or shoe fetish parties, and they would hire people like myself to entertain the guests. My experiences were so good that I decided I really wanted to do this kind of thing consistently.

I was interested in fetishes because I had met so many people who had so many different types of sexual desires, who were willing to extensively engage with me about them. I really learned a lot, and was able to understand their motivations and experiences. I felt it was important for all people to be able to explore and understand any fetishes they might have.

But it wasn’t until I moved to Los Angeles in March of  2015 that being a Dominatrix and Fetish Specialist became a career. First, I worked for a house, but one that was not at all reputable. Then, I went completely independent after about 6 or 8 months. When I really committed to Animal Play, that’s when success started coming. Not only was I comfortable and in my element because I was doing what I loved, but also I was doing something that’s incredibly fun, and incredibly under appreciated.

What is your definition of a Fetish Specialist? What is your definition of an Animal Play Monarch?

I went with the title of Fetish Specialist because I specialize in working out people’s fetishes with them. My work involves me focusing on my client’s fetishes, not necessarily their sex, but rather focusing on their relationship with an aspect of themselves. A Fetish Specialist is someone who is knowledgeable in fetishes and who uses that knowledge to help people explore and navigate their fetishes. That can mean anything from just simply learning and understanding, all the way to experimenting indefinitely.

I got the title Animal Play Monarch because I really got into Animal Play. I create complex backgrounds, have unique, glorious pets, make custom costumes, and tell really intricate stories. Someone called me a Monarch and that was that.

What does your usual day at work look like?

Believe it or not, most days aren’t spent in Appointments. Most days, I spend my time engaging with people, advertising, maintaining a presence, and contributing to my community.  

In terms of sessions, if somebody’s doing what I do and they have three regulars, that’s plenty to keep somebody comfortable. Most of the time, I try to use my platform to contribute to the community. For example, I host Tech Tea Parties, where (usually) women in the community get together, and work on whatever technical work they need to get done. At these parties, we exchange information, learn from one another, and empower the community and each other.

So, being able to spend most of my work time behind the computer at home allows me the time to engage with people at a much better level, in a much more effective manner. Because of my limited time spent in sessions, I can focus on issues that the community is currently facing and I can focus on kink-related education.

What do you love most about your job?

Just seeing people relax and be themselves. It’s just absolutely beautiful to see someone who feels they have to hide who they are, just let loose and be themselves without having to defend or explain their existence. That’s really something that makes all the hard work worth it.

I get a lot of people that come to my door with shame about things that in my opinion people shouldn’t be ashamed of. It’s wonderful to be able to help people take away those layers of pain, shame, discomfort, and the fear of being judged. Being able to work through all those layers and get a person comfortable, and where they’re just really being there and behaving in a way that is authentic, and not based on what they think is expected of them.

And that’s what makes my job and being a part of this community so worth it, because I get the opportunity to fight to stop the discrimination of people’s sexuality and gender, so more people can feel safe enough to be themselves.

What has been the most challenging aspect of your job?

There’s a lot of stigma and judgments made about myself and my clients for what we do. In my opinion, no one should be judged for what they like, want, or are excited by. You can control your actions, but you can’t help what your fetishes are. So, one of my biggest challenges has been managing this judgement, ignorance, and the stigma that goes with this line of work.

It also has become more dangerous to be in my line of work. Sex workers are being forced to cut corners. You can’t accept credit cards, so you have to accept cash. There are less ways to screen people on the internet, if you can’t communicate about these things, now you have to screen people yourself.

It’s also dangerous for my clients because they have jobs, and if their bosses found out they were into any aspect of BDSM, the bosses might say, “Oh, that means you’re violent and you’re fired.”

People have lost their kids because of their BDSM practices.

People’s lives are being destroyed unnecessarily because of ignorance. Ignorance is definitely the biggest challenge.

Can you elaborate on how you train your pets?

Every pet is a little different because every person requires something different. Each animal  represents a different aspect of a client’s personality. When it comes to animal play, how I train them really comes down to number one what the human needs, and number two the behaviors of the actual animal. I try to be true to whatever species we are playing out. For example, a reward for my monkey might be bananas. Of course, I first make sure the human likes bananas. But, basically the the reward is what the animal would eat, and the tasks are what that animal would do.

I always take into account people’s goals and where they are mentally as well. For example, if someone is trying to lose weight, I wouldn’t have them be a pig because that animal is usually degraded for their weight. Instead, I might ask this person to be a big horned sheep to show them they are strong and powerful.

I want to try to bring out the positives aspects of the person, and I want them to try to manifest those positive feelings and positive reinforcements through their behavior as a animal.

I use animal play as a means for my client’s to earn praise and affection through tasks that would be easy for a human, but impressive for whatever animal they are. If my pet is struggling with something in their personal life, I’ll work that into our scenes. I do this so that the reward for facing and overcoming whatever it is they are struggling with is something really worth striving for.

How many different kinds of pets do you have?

I’m constantly updating my Pets Count on my website, MadameMargherite.com, but currently, I have about 30.

How does one go about choosing what type of pet they are?

I usually help them with that. At the start of a scene, I’ll ask a series of questions, and based on the answers to those questions, combined with my knowledge of animals, I will find a match that represents the person on a very personal level. All animals have magnificent characteristics, so when my pets are coming out of pet-space, I remind them that all those wonderful, glorious things about their pet persona, are actually wonderful, glorious things about them.

In short, I try to learn information about the client, their surroundings, and how they relate to their environment as well as what are they trying to accomplish in their everyday life. All these things shape the type of animal they are going to be. For example, if you are trying to be more social, I might assign you a social animal like a primate or a meerkat. I always try to match the animal and person based on what the human is trying to achieve.

To help people out with identifying their inner animal, I actually designed a formula called the Petsy-Madaminal Scale. There’s a free version that people can do themselves and there’s a paid version. Feel free to check it out! https://madamemargherite.wordpress.com/petsy-madaminal-scale/

Can you give us more details about the costume making process? What makes for a great pet costume?

In my opinion, what really makes a difference regarding costumes are the types of things that the pets can see and identify with that match the animal that they’re trying to portray. The purpose of a costume is to help people get into head space, stay in head space, and feel more like that animal. You’re almost tricking your brain by looking at yourself wearing fur, wearing a tail, and things like that.

I think that the more important parts of the costume are things like paws and feet and the tail that the person can see. Visuals are very important when getting people into role playing experiences. But also masks and ears are important because someone can feel them.

What are some key attributes of a good pet?

When I play, it’s not about being good or bad, it’s about finding the good and bringing it out.

How is animal training like having a real pet? How does it differ?

Well for one, there are still boundaries that the human being as the animal must adhere to no matter how deep into sub or pet-space a person gets. It’s so important to maintain boundaries and respect limits. These things really should be outlined prior to play. I have heard people make excuses for their behavior while they were in pet space, but there is no excuse for crossing a boundary or hard limit while in this type of space. Being a pet doesn’t give you permission to defecate, urinate, or hump people if these behaviors have not been consented to. Everything that you are going to do/want to do needs to be addressed, consented to, and negotiated prior to pet play or any other type of play.

On the contrary, pet play is a lot like having a real pet because as a Domme it’s my responsibility to take care of my pets. They are depending and relying on me to keep them safe when they are pretending to be an animal.

What are some basic do’s and don’ts of animal and pet play?

Do come up with a safe gesture to replace safewords. A verbal safeword could take someone out of pet space, so gestures could be more effective.

What is the biggest benefit for you as an pet/animal trainer?

I feel a great sense of satisfaction that I’ve been so successful in bringing so much attention to animal play. When I moved to LA in 2015, people told me that as a Dominatrix it wasn’t likely that I would be successful. I heard a lot of people say that people aren’t into animal play, but I knew that all I had to do was show them how I do animal play, and they would be in.

But, the biggest benefit is that this has given me a platform that I can use to talk about important things that matter to me. Not just relating to my industry, but also things like police brutality, the school to prison pipeline, the Prison Industrial Complex, sexual assault, underage marriage laws, and of course, discrimination.

What are some core attributes that are apparent in your training style?

I challenge pets to be as creative and as specific as they want to be. For example, with dogs, I like to get down to the breed. I am also totally open to mythological and prehistoric animals. With my pets, I identify their entire world, not just their animal. I teach my pets things about their animals that make them reflect on themselves. This is where I differ from others out there because I don’t think anyone has been as creative as I have when it comes to animal play.

Do you train different types of pets in a different manner? If so, could you give us a few examples?

Yes. Some of my pets are my Elite Pets, and out of them, some are my Champions. Elite Pets are my personal Pets, who instead of serving me in scenes with payment, they serve me by performing with me, and by hosting events with me. My Elite Pets often battle each other for me, and the victors are deemed my Champions. The battles aren’t violent, of course. For example, to defeat my Monkey my Hyena might have to pull off his velcro tail while to defeat my Hyena my Monkey might have to throw pudding poo at him. In a case like that, you can understand that my different Pets need different training, and of course, different treats. Monkeys  get bananas, and Hyenas might get beef jerky.

In sessions, depending on what my Pets are trying to achieve, we will do different activities. A hippopotamus might get a mud bath.

What do you feel needs to be done to bring animal and pet play more into the general public within the BDSM/Kink community?

I think everyone should do this type of play because it’s really good for your imagination. Engaging your imagination makes it easier to solve problems and see different perspectives, which is a very useful tool when it comes to relationships. Even if it’s not animal play, people nurturing their imaginations is extremely healthy and makes life vibrant.

To bring this type of play more into the general public people just need to host more events. People need to begin planning things to normalize this type of play and get the word out there about it.

Are there any therapeutic and/or practical benefits to being a pet or animal that one can experience when they are not being a pet or animal and/or not in “pet space” such as discipline, more stability etc?

Absolutely! Everything I do with my pets is so they can carry what they have achieved in session into their everyday lives. That’s what I do this for, and that’s what I base my activities and methods around. I want them to carry what they learned and/or worked on in session outside of session, so they can achieve their goals, and be the best they can be.

What is the difference between pet play and animal play? What is the difference between someone who identifies as a pet vs. someone who identifies as an animal?

Simple. All pets are animals, but not all animals are pets. All animals under my care are my pets when under my care. That’s how I operate, but that’s not how everyone does things. People who participate in animal play will sometimes get together and have a fox run, or do some other activity where they play as wild animals, and no one is anyone’s pet. Someone could also just be a lone wolf with no owner. Pets have some sort of D type, whereas animals usually do not. A pet has a Madame, Master, Trainer, or some other honorific relating to someone that offers guidance.


About Madame Margherite: Fetish Specialist & Animal Play Monarch

Los Angeles resident, Madame Margherite, began dabbling in fetish work during the fall of 2012 while still living in Brooklyn, New York. When she moved to LA in March of 2015, that’s when her career as a Dominatrix really started taking shape. Specializing in Animal Play, she earned the title Animal Play Monarch with her elaborate Queendom of exotic and glorious Pets. Madame Margherite’s background in Production & Marketing has been very advantageous for her career. As a member of the DomCon Advisory Board, her key role lies in marketing. She’s extremely active in the community and is an advocate for a number of issues including anti-discrimination and anti-police brutality. For more information visit: MadameMargherite.com

 

Tagged With: animal play, bdsm, dominatrix, kink, madame margherite, pet play, power exchange

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