Resources

What Is Aftercare?

October 13, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

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As more and more new people join the Kink Community on the edges and middle of the pandemic, the more I realize how little knowledge some are stepping into this world with. I recently wrote about pain processing in kink. Today, I want to briefly discuss the aftermath of a scene.

When we say the word scene, generally we are talking about an agreed-upon period of time between two or more people, wherein they perform some negotiated kink experience. It may be impact, it may be needles, or humiliation, or any one of a number of kinks that people share.

As I discussed in my post on pain, the body of the receiver in this event is likely experiencing some chemical side effects, brought to them courtesy of their brain. Adrenaline and endorphins are a potent cocktail. When the activities we engage in trigger those chemical responses, it can be a heady experience. Often, the person who has experienced them will be slightly euphoric or “spacey” afterwards. Some people refer to “subspace,” but I prefer more scientific explanations of what is happening.

Because that can be a sensation that feels different for different people, some find it disorienting. Others feel “loopy” or giggly. Some will need to come out of that headspace gradually, while others prefer a more abrupt return to reality. The period of time after the scene has ended is often called aftercare.

Aftercare looks different based on who you ask. Some people want a blanket and cuddles, some want a stuffie and chocolate. I want a high five and to be told I was a good girl. Some take an hour to gradually ease out of that headspace, others want to giggle away in a group of friends. In some cases, people may prefer that aftercare be administered by someone they didn’t scene with, such as a friend or relationship partner. It is important to include negotiations for the kind of aftercare you need when you are discussing a scene with a potential partner.

If you don’t know what you need for aftercare because you are newer to this, it may be a part of your journey which requires experimentation. Ask yourself following a scene what would bring you comfort. Prepare for many scenarios, such as bringing a favorite comfortable item of clothing to change into, an emotional attachment object, a protein bar, or a sugary snack you enjoy in order to give yourself options when the time comes.

If you are a more experienced kinkster and know that you’ll be having a scene with less experienced players, perhaps consider packing an emergency aftercare bag with some basics in it, in case it is something they aren’t familiar with, or don’t know yet what they need. It isn’t a terrible idea to have things on hand that help others. That’s part of why I always carry a mini first aid kit with me to the dungeon, despite it having three available. My band-aids are cuter.

Please remember, even though there are tops who will hand you off to someone else for aftercare because it isn’t their thing, the important part is finding healthy ways to transition yourself back to life as the chemicals leave the body – and keep these things in mind for the possible drop following after the chemicals break down even further. What you need is what you need during this process.

Knowledge is power, and by understanding what we need on our kink journeys, we give ourselves an amazing gift.

Pain Processing In Kink

October 7, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

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As some of you who follow me on Fet may have noticed, I recently added two rib tattoos to the markings Santa has gifted me.

They really fucking hurt, by the way.

Interestingly enough, through my conversations with the tattoo artist and subsequent research on tattooing, I learned a lot about my own pain management that was new information. While I already knew some of this, learning the rest has been a great stepping stone to help me build a more effective pain management routine for days when Santa and I have heavy impact planned.

Some know this one already because I’ve mentioned it or because they have experienced it: pain can be more intense during certain portions of the menstrual cycle. For many it is during the actual menstruation while for others it is during ovulation. Those hormonal changes can make pain less easily tolerated. For those who may be unaware of this fluxuation, it can be a surprise when they suddenly have difficulty with an experience, not realizing the hormonal factor can be a huge variance.

Sleep matters. There are times an extended impact session (or other painful experience) can be about relaxing and focusing on an area of the body that is not experiencing pain. Those techniques are easier to employ when well rested. As for the focus one, the best way I know to describe it is an almost meditative focus on a comfortable body part. I will rub my two largest toes together on the foot with the permanent toe ring. It is a unique sensation and it can help to stop focusing on the part of my body that is hurting.

Stay hydrated. Hydrated skin tends to be more resilient, and isn’t as easily irritated. Things like needles or other tools can create redness and skin irritation, and hydrated skin will generally be able to tolerare those things for longer.

Eat a good meal. I have been guilty of forgetting to eat prior to a scene, and I know some people who don’t eat anything hearty beforehand because they are concerned about appearing bloated or full. It turns out that not eating is terrible for pain tolerance. We get endorphin kicks and adrenaline rushes when we dance with pain. Those chemicals use sugars in the blood as fuel. Without having a reserve, such as carbs or even eating fruit before a scene, the resulting body response can be feeling shaky or weak after handling pain, and subsequent pain will just fucking hurt, because the adrenaline has run out of food to eat. That will definitely cut a scene short.

Avoid alcohol. While, sure, there are impaired consent issues here, from a purely practical standpoint, alcohol can increase the body’s sensitivity to pain. It can also dampen mental acuity and make it more difficult to process the sensations being experienced without becoming overwhelmed or upset.

Use calming breathing techniques or breathing for meditation. Women have used breathing in childbirth to withstand pain, and similar techniques can help in kink experiences.

Relax, for goodness’ sake. How many times have we heard that tensing a muscle makes pain more intense? Work on isolation techniques such as the ones practiced in yoga. These can be excellent for helping stay in tune with one’s body and remind it to relax.

My routine has changed since I’ve learned all of this. Obviously, there are things I can’t change, such as my menstrual cycle. What I can do is choose whether or not to do impact during that time, or choose implements I know I can handle even then.

When I get up the morning we have plans, I eat cereal. I make sure to have a snack in the afternoon, and eat steak or other protein before we leave the house. I also pack an apple or some fruit to eat before our scene, to give me that extra bit of sugar for my body to eat up with endorphins. I also carry protein bars for a quick pick-me-up. I drink water all day, once we arrive, and afterwards, as well. I find that by using this routine, I don’t tend to crash afterwards or even really experience much in the way of drop.

Obviously, everyone is different in the way they handle pain. The thing that doesn’t change is the chemistry behind how our bodies work. The more we understand about ourselves, the better we can be at taking care of our bodies. The better care we take of them, the longer we will be able to participate in the kink activities we enjoy.

Why Humiliation Is Exciting To Many

September 29, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!

I’ve participated in a lot of discussions regarding the use of humiliation and degradation within power dynamics. Many consider the fact that many submissives enjoy being humiliated or degraded as being a paradox. I don’t see it as a paradox, I see it as a very rational, and expected, reaction. Here’s why:

I tend to think most people who enjoy humiliation, don’t enjoy humiliation itself, but LOVE being humiliated. In other words, it’s the fact that someone else is deliberately humiliating them that gets the chemicals flowing.

I’ve talked about it before – I believe that there is a process of rationalization whenever we willingly and voluntarily accept something from a partner that isn’t what we normally would desire. We must justify, to ourselves, why would allow this to happen to us. This is true when a sub is punished, or “tortured” (non-abusive), or required to do chores, follow protocols, or any number of other things. The fact that power dynamics are consensual, leaves out abusive / truly-forced reasons – leaving only the rationale that the dominant has the authority to inflict this upon the submissive – and, upon accepting that authority, leaving the submissive feeling “helpless” to resist.

So, voluntarily accepting something from a dominant that we normally would not accept, triggers a feeling of being under the dominant’s control and authority. That’s something subs want. That’s something that makes their submission feel more real. Subs don’t have to enjoy the activity – but they absolutely enjoy feeling the dominant’s authority.

This is behind my assertion that punishments always reward submissives…even if the punishment is something that they hate…and that people who think that you need to make the punishment severe enough for the sub to change their behavior to avoid it, are fooling themselves. The more the submissive dislikes the activity they feel compelled to allow, the more “real” the authority feels and the more titillating the experience. See my previous article entitled, “Punishment Is Always a Reward” in Kinkweekly, for a more in-depth discussion regarding punishments.

Humiliation is something most of us would try to avoid. It’s not a pleasant experience. But if a sub allows a dominant to humiliate them, they stimulate the feeling of submissiveness and powerlessness under the authority of the dominant. It promotes the dominant to a more powerful position in their mind, which is arousing and enjoyable.

There is a Yin to that Yang: Dominants are afforded the opposite end of that rationalization: They know that the submissive would normally avoid humiliating situations. However, they are not only allowing themselves to be humiliated, they’re do voluntarily within the context of their power dynamic. The rationalization that the dominant must have the authority to levy the punishment, supports the dominant’s feeling of control and power. Humiliation becomes a playful experience. How much can a dominant push a submissive? How far does that rationalized-authority extend?

In this light, it’s obvious why humiliation is desirable – and what the submissive and dominant may gain from it. It’s not a paradox at all. It makes complete sense!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Commentary On Old Guard vs. New Guard

September 16, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

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Recently I posted a short article in eight differing kink groups online regarding an old meme I noticed several years ago. The meme was effectively a reminder list for dominants, a cheat sheet if you will, of things to do and remember.

For simplicity, I am including what I wrote here:

“There is Always Something to Be Learned: Even from Things We Don’t Agree With

I saw a post a while back about a ‘Dominant’s Cheat Sheet.’ Basically, ten reminders for Dominants to themselves. Although the list itself was unremarkable, the comments following really struck me. Specifically, the amount of negativity toward it. Referring to much of the list as abusive or for fakes.

It seemed as if most, didn’t get past #1 on the list, ‘In general, submissive only speaks when spoken to.’

Now I agree that this is an overgeneralization. However, since this is a thinking persons page….lets think about why and when that might actually be useful or helpful in certain situations.

– When a submissive is having a hard time listening and needs to learn not to interrupt.

– When a submissive might be prone to angry outbursts or over reactions.

– When a submissive tends to speak before they think and needs to learn the process is the other way around.

While none of these would be permanent, neither is any particular list. We change and grow over time. We do so by keeping an open mind and taking time to reflect on what we are seeing/reading and deciding not just if something is useful or not, but if it could be useful and when.

I said that I think not many people read past item number one on the list because there are several items on it, which can be very useful to a Dominant.

For example, #5, ‘A Submissive needs to feel the tug of your proverbial leash. Find ways that work for you.’ Would a submissive want to be with you if they weren’t drawn to the potential of your control? Isn’t this speaking to the foundation of a power exchange?

Or #6, ‘Acknowledge daily to your submissive their role beneath you by telling them in some way they are doing things you want.’ Providing acknowledgement of what the submissive has done, is recognizing their efforts. Showing the Dominant has noticed and is paying attention. I am not sure I see how this is a negative in a dynamic. Reinforcing positive behaviors, ie accomplishing tasks, is a foundational principle.

Or how about #10, ‘Being strict is welcomed.’ Of course, this is not everyone’s idea of utopia, but is a Dominant really dominant if they are not consistent in their actions and enforcement of the rules agreed upon? What kind of Dominant would they really be if not consistent? Wishy washy inconsistency often leads to problems, confusing expectations, and eventually dashed hopes.

Even though these examples can easily be applied in a positive light, there are many comments on the thread stating that, in effect, any Dominant who subscribed to this list, is no real Dominant.

Not everyone is the same, obviously, so we are not going to read things the same way. However, there are often gems hiding in places we least expect them, if we only take the time to look for them.”

⁃ The Reactions

After posting that article I figured I would get many of the same detractors from the original cheat sheet who got hung up on item #1.

But that didn’t happen. If fact the opposite happened, those older and who have been in kink for quite some time came out of the woodwork. Many of them opining about the lack of understanding and acceptance of what they considered deeper dominance and submission.

Even though their backgrounds in kink varied from M/s to Leather to self-professed kinky tops and bottoms, the theme of their reactions were similar. Here are a couple of examples.

Priest Zen wrote:
“The online community, in most parts, are full of crap. They are demanding the water down romantic version of BDSM is the only true BDSM. Any high protocol, high etiquette BDSM style they call abusive and fake Doms. They have taken the idea that a submissive has all to power to create a dynamic when the s/type completely tops from the bottom. The dom (small d intentional) is serving the Sub (cap S intentional) for Her (cap H intentional) fantasies. And, then the dom is blamed for when those fantasies aren’t met.” Reprinted with permission from Priest Zen.

And intellectualdady replied:
“Well said…what I’ve noticed increasingly over the last 5 years since I’ve been back in the lifestyle is most who participate in groups such as this or on fetlife see bdsm and the lifestyle as purely kinky sex. Not a lifestyle. Not power exchange outside of the bedroom. That a submissive is someone into the more tame aspects of playing. A slave is one who is into the more extreme aspects. A Dominant is one who is more of a middle ground and a Master is someone who is someone into bossing others around as well as into the more extreme forms of playing.

There’s a HUGE divide between what’s traditionally been taught and what is now taught. Same with what’s accepted and what isn’t.

With all of this in context there’s no wonder why there was so much negativity on that post.

Everyone has their own definition for everything as well as their own way of doing things so like Master arcane and a number of other leaders have consistently talked about ‘until more experienced members of the community start stepping up, taking the lead, guiding, correcting, and teaching along with creating websites as well as content then things will continue moving in this direction. The older generation of 40-70+ have dropped the ball in a way and it’s time they picked it up.’

Thank you for posting this and adding the thoughtful introspection questions with each number. Hopefully this helps others think and learn more.” Reprinted with permission from intellectualdady

⁃ They Got Me Thinking

I replied to most of them and in that repetitive process it got me thinking more deeply about the subject. All those opposed to the cheat sheet vs. all those replies to my article.

Yes there is a lack of understanding by a great many in the younger generations. A lack of appreciation that speaks to a road untraveled. But why have not more of the newer generations set off on that deeper path?

I think that many, have no idea. That there is a notion of a BDSM lite ascribed to out of both naivety and for others, fear.

With that being said, most of those are simply kinksters, tops and bottoms (if that), who dabble at the edge of D/s. Fine, whatever floats their boat.

The detractors within those ranks are the ones who will never fully understand dominance and submission because they, IMO, are not really open to it. Therefore, rebel against it even as they in the same breath call themselves, “lifestyler.” This is what I think rankles many long-time kinky people who have lived it not just as something fun to do, but as a core part of their being.

For many newer to kink, within the last fifteen years, I think it scares the hell out of them. The notion of actually having complete control over another… or giving up complete control, once they understand what that really means. Taking or giving a great amount of control requires a significant amount of self-confidence. The ability to set doubt aside. To set blame aside in seeking a simple truth. “What can I become?”

Circling back I think this is why BDSM lite has become prevalent. Many of the newer generations are trying to fit themselves, square pegs into a lifestyle many of the older generation know differently, a round hole. Obviously not working for them. So instead of walking away with an understanding, “I don’t fit,” the newer have created a space where the square pegs belong.

To compound the issue, I am not sure any amount of teaching or access to information would change that for them. The transformational aspect of kink is in the hands on. Seeing a master at work with their slave; being present during a scene where partners lose each other in each other; watching a healthy D/s over time headed by a mentor so the intimate details which cannot be taught are experienced; not to mention actually performing under the guidance of a mentor and being critiqued for it. How could the square pegs begin to know without that?

There simply is not enough access to mentors for the newer generations to accomplish a widespread hands on approach.

⁃ Is this New Iteration a Bad Thing?

I don’t think so.

Wait! Before you pull out your pitchforks!!! I am not ascribing to a bunch of that weak ass noise or platitudes which normally accompany a statement like this. Stick with me, you’ve read this far.

I do not think the new iteration is a bad thing because they have the numbers us old farts never did and never will. Public policy is a numbers game. So far on that front we have been losing badly. Yet, there could be hope.

If we, the older generations, quit fighting against a group who is not like us and likely most never will be, embrace them and learn to work with them….. maybe, just maybe we can create a bridge to the vanilla world which can help shift public policy more in our favor.

Granted this is not something that will get done in the next 10 years, but 15 to 20 could be a real possibility. The older generation learns to work more closely with the newer now. In turn as they newer age they talk to more brand-new people, their vanilla friends, and others. Over time kink may become more acceptable in the public eye.

⁃ Moving Forward

Yeah but! What about core values, ethics, safety and all those other good and awesome things? We preserve as much as we can moving forward. Likely, that will be more successful if we are all pulling the same direction. Willingly mentoring, publishing, posting in groups, and elsewise shepherding as many as we can in whatever the newer folks are willing to learn.

It hurts my heart knowing certain traditions will fade with time. It really does. It also pains me seeing our counterculture become more mainstream. Yet, unless it does, we will not win the public policy fight.

We cannot have it both ways.

With freedom comes risk. We either risk our individual freedom by practicing the taboo, or we risk our community and traditions by freely bridging the gap.

Whichever we choose, we must choose, and soon. Otherwise, the world will decide for us.

That, is no freedom at all.

Coming Back To The Scene

September 2, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

For many of us, the past year or so has been a veritable desert in our kink worlds. Those who had children at home or who live in apartments may have attempted quiet play, if we were in the mood for it, of course, since anxiety isn’t the best aphrodisiac. Unfortuanately, with many of our kink spaces closing down or choosing to carefuly curate guests lists, there are a lot of people who are finally starting to resume their bdsm play. I’ve heard a common refrain among them.

Most of the stories are of scenes going poorly, both people expecting to be able to resume their journeys exactly where they left off, only to discover that the top runs low on endurance while the bottom has a much lower tolerance for pain. Overall, those factors make for an unsatisfactory scene, along with many thoughts and feelings of not being good enough or tough enough to satisfy their partner. This seems to mostly be the case among more experienced or frequent heavier players that I have spoken to. Newer or more casual players seem to have had less of an issue in this area.

For those who haven’t experienced this, either count your blessings or consider this a warning in advance.

We build up tolerance over time, or perhaps a desire to experience that endorphin rush pushes us to greater heights, since our bodies become accustomed to anything we do with any regularity, whether it be working out, getting up early, or even receiving pain. It makes total sense that the amount of impact or other intense play that someone can take at the beginning of their journey changes over time. That was certainly the case for me. We had a regular schedule and were meeting it consistently.

Of course, that all changed last March. Without access to our regular dungeon space, we felt less comfortable pushing some of those boundaries. Additionally, neither of us was really in the mood for BDSM. In fact, we were rarely in the mood for sexual intimacy, let alone any sort of pain play. We were stuck in a house with family members stacked on top of one another, with no real safe place to go, plus dealing with anxiety. Those are hardly the stuff dreams are made of.

My story isn’t unique. Many of the friends I have in my local community have expressed similar sentiments. Their kink play went into hibernation for quite a while during 2020. Once our local dungeon started opening for private reservations we began attending again, but unless we specifically planned to go in advance and paid for the rental, we would often find reasons to delay.

In many ways I am quite lucky. As someone who has done impact education, my partner happens to be well versed in play with newer bottoms. Our first session back was one without any assumptions. It had been at least five months since we’d done any serious impact, and he didn’t rush into anything. He tried out lots of new impact tools we’d been collecting from a Maker friend of ours, including a PuckYou (I’m not a fan, it’s super stingy) and a Jawbreaker (opposite end of the spectrum and almost painfully thuddy). We had a positive experience, because he was testing my responses to some of the newer gear, rather than expecting me to take impact that he’d been able to give me before. We were even finally able to really get to try the whips he’d gotten as gifts that were definitely too long for the bedroom. Across the room, members of our germ pod made their beautiful scene sounds and for a moment, the world was a happy place again.

Santa’s method is pretty handy. When he is working with someone who is an unknown bottom to him, or who has not had a scene with him in quite some time, he uses a numerical scale to determine where everyone is. For example, he will swing a flogger at the lowest speed he can swing it without the falls being out of control, and he calls that his “one.” He will ask the bottom on a scale of one to ten, how did that impact register to them. If they also feel it is one, he can continue, while checking in with them as he increases his force. If their response is “six” to his “one,” odd are good that implement needs to be set aside for the time being, as they may not have a positive response to it.

Others I have spoken with have not been as lucky. They jumped back into their play after an extended break, some with the brevity of mine (five months), and others who did not play for a year or more. They expected to splash right back into the deep end of the pool, only to realize too late that someone moved the diving board while they were away. Frustrated and feeling insecure, I heard many stories of them trying to push through only to end in rather unsatisfactory scenes for all involved.

We forget, sometimes, when those born biologically female are dealing with their cycle of hormones, those things can change how they handle different types of pain. So add those hormonal changes into anxiety added into an extended period of time without play, and what we get is bodies with a very different tolerance on the other side of this pandemic.

So the first thing I would say to those experiencing this: you are not alone. There are a lot of people out there who are readjusting to their new normal and realizing their journeys are much different than they were. The second thing I would say is give yourselves grace. We’ve all been going through, and are still going through, an unprescedented event which makes for a very traumatized populace. Be kind to yourselves and realize that we all need more forgiveness for what we see as our own inadequecies.

The final thing I would say is the same thing I have told myself when looking at others and envying their ability to take pain. Walk your own path, and don’t look back at your old self as better or more resiliant. Your old self hadn’t been through a year and a half of a traumatizing pandemic. YOU are every bit as strong and tough as you need to be. Figure out what your tolerance is now and work from there rather than trying to play like you used to. Hell, your top may even appreciate not having to work so hard for a while.

Above all, talk to your partners. Make sure they understand that your body has changed and how to work with you to meet you where you are.

All any of us can do is be who we are, right this minute. I send my happiest and most positive thoughts to all of you.

What Makes A Great Submissive?

August 26, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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A couple of days ago, I participated in a forum discussion on FetLife regarding attributes that dominants look for in their submissives. There was a lot of talk about appearance, obedience, strength, etc.

As I often do, when I structured my answer, I did so in two parts: Attributes of a partner in a relationship (any relationship) and additionally, the attributes of a submissive. After all, a D/s Relationship has both the power dynamic and underlying relationship in play, simultaneously.

In terms of relationship partners, I look for reliability, trustworthiness, good communication skills, a good sense of humor (the ability to make me laugh), intelligence, empathy, and loyalty (is that so much to ask? ). They also need to be respectful, honest, and caring. I look for these things from my spouse, my friends, my family, and even from my business associates. Even acquaintances need to have these attributes, in some level, to last.

Submissives are relationship partners, so they require all the above. In addition, there are some critical attributes that I feel will help them to be top-notch submissives: First, they must want to be the best submissive they can be. An inner need to strive to improve, and continually improve. They also must be able to divorce themselves of any preconceived notion of what submission is, and adapt to deliver it the way I define it. They must internalize feedback quickly and continue to adapt their submission accordingly.

In terms of characteristics that make a great submissive, I’d have to say CONFIDENCE, HUMILITY, and FLEXIBILITY: A great combination!

They must be confident enough to trust that they can do things without assistance and confident enough to take correction to heart and make changes. They must be confident in their desire to submit; in whatever way is required of them. Confident enough in themself to not be needy and to be able to function independently without constant assurance, attention, and monitoring.

As far as humility, they must be humble enough to realize that their submission is not all about themself and yet, to accept praise without getting cocky or know-it-all. They must be humble enough to consider themself a student, continually striving to learn and improve.

Lastly, they must remain flexible to adapt. Good submissives are good listeners and act on what they learn. They don’t get stuck in “the way they’ve always done it” and, in fact, are usually looking for better ways to achieve the tasks assigned to them. They need to seek to understand and internalize my preferences and expectations and allow themselves the freedom to adjust to fulfill them. They believe they can always do better and seek out constructive recommendations for improvement.

There’s great value in a good submissive. They make your life easier; simpler. A good submissive is easy; you just find yourself being able to use them and rely on them. Good ones are a pleasure to have around and generate positive energy.

If you find yourself having to work harder to maintain a submissive or find yourself having to play games in order to get them to do what they committed to do when they submitted to you, they are likely missing some of the characteristics I’ve listed above. Figure out what those are quickly – and inform the submissive to make the changes needed. If they don’t, or aren’t willing to – then “cut bait” as quickly as possible and get out. It will only be a matter of time before the frustration wears you down.

If, however, you find yourself a great submissive – they’re worth their weight in gold! Use them, mold them, and custom fit them to you. They will appreciate it and your life will be lifted by having them around!

The Pursuit Of Peak Sexuality

August 19, 2021 By SafferMaster 4 Comments

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A while back while looking for my ideal partner, I wrote a piece called “I did the math”. The writing examined the notion that just on the basis of numbers, that there were at the time, about 1200 ideal possible candidates for me just on Fetlife. Out of that writing, I found my perfect partner who was literally “made for me”, or as she put it, my “…Fairy Godmother did an excellent job”.

Now that we have been together for 3 years, and now that we are quite literally having mind blowing sex every day, I thought I would examine a different question. That being related to our pursuit of peak sexual experiences.

This is much harder to quantify, in that there is no real data to reference, but by inference, let me try to determine how many of us are in fact, engaged in regular mind-blowing sex approaching peak sexuality.

First let’s define what mind-blowing sex is. For us, it is entirely a function of our kink dynamic and that we are in a 24/7 TPE where, over the past three years, we have distilled our sexual encounters to about 45 minutes to an hour of scintillating hot sex every time. We like to think that we have created pure hotness that is the distillation of a 3-years inquiry into what gets us off. Now we are a Sensual Sadist and a Sensual Masochist living a 24/7 TPE lifestyle. She is my collared 3-hole slut. We have had sex practically every day that started with and includes an intense spanking that leaves her ass bright red, with her cane marks from the weekend showing up as highlights. Beyond that there are some other aspects that make it hot. We are deeply engaged in hypnokink (more later) and she is being trained to have a “mouthgasm”. In addition to both of us giving the other oral, there is also analingus in both directions and there is a lot of ass fucking. In fact, when we finally get to climax, we feel as if we are quite literally one creature. Think about the creatures in the movie “Avatar” that join electrically and share the same brain. When we climax together, me fucking her ass hard after lighting it up and brining her to orgasm with my mouth and finger, and after she has brought me close to climax with her tongue on my ass and her one hand holding my balls tight while she strokes me with her other hand, the electrical energy is palpable. It is as if we are in the Matrix.

So that is the sex, but what happens after must be taken into account as well. We are both completely used up and need a while to recover. We are both in a lingering trance state, her a subby trance and me a Dommy trance out of that encounter. All we can do is hold hands and smile at each other. No words are possible or relevant.

So on to the examination.

First, I make the assumption that only kinksters can actually have ridiculously hot sex. You might quibble with this assertion, but for the sake of argument, accept it as what’s so. As a result, we can eliminate everyone who is not a kinkster. According to a 2005 survey by Durex, 36% of Americans use kinky toys during sex, vs the 65% of university students that dream about being tied up, that from a 1999 study.

So, the current US population is around 330 million, which means that about 118.8 million are engaged in kink.

The second point of elimination is the question of simultaneous orgasms. I am using this as a criterion because for us, that single moment is the essence of pure hotness. According to a survey conducted by “Uncovering Intimacy”, they determined that only 4% of couples experience simultaneous orgasms every time.

So that means that only 4,752,000 kinksters are experiencing multiple orgasms.

In essence this means that only 1.44% of people in the US are having both kinky hot sex and multiple orgasms. A rare group.

With that established, the question as to what is occurring arises. Let’s examine the chemistry. Being with my partner and seeing her kneel for me ‘…unleashes a flood of neurochemicals including testosterone, oxytocin, dopamine, and norepinephrine that have the impact of amping up feelings of tenderness and attraction. Meanwhile, serotonin levels drop, and deep in the reptilian brain, the caudate nucleus, associated with hunting and prey, lights up. This creates a “Herculean mating urge” as an impact of being drenched in chemical that bestow focus, stamina and vigor driven by the motivation engine of the brain’ (Fisher).

We quite clearly devolve into our most base animal natures as we experience screaming simultaneous orgasms. We are left joined and panting as we come back to earth.

This is all very well, but how does it translate into reproducible practice for the average person? This is a much harder question to answer because there are just so many variables to consider.

First of all, I did a bunch of work for like 4 years really examining what it was I was seeking. At the same time, I explored all aspects of my kink as a sadist. I was lucky enough to have an array of partners, submissive women, who challenged me to explore myself fully. Then, when I was clear about what I wanted, I began to search for whom I wanted to explore my sexuality with. When I found Lady Petra, she was in her own inquiry, and she did a lot of personal searching and self-examination as she asessed her own motivations for well over a year. At some point during that year, we implemented a daily maintenance spanking routine, which had the impact of accelerating our inquiry, and creating a very hot sexual scene that occurred daily out of that spanking. This was at the same time massively enjoyable on one hand and on the other, Lady Petra was able to explore herself as a masochist. She did this by examining her response to different implements and intensities. That inquiry revealed that with the correct implement, the heavy flogger, and the correct delivery, hard rhythmic strokes for an extended period of time, she began to experience intense arousal and even orgasm. On a daily basis we played hard. I like to say that we have over 1,000 iterations of our inquiry so far.

What was revealed to us in our inquiry was the key to our search for real intimacy. And it was not until we were both willing to truly be vulnerable that we were ablet to experience that “Kundalini Awakening”, and it was only after that, fully two years into our dynamic that this experience started to occur in a very predictable way. Prior to that, the experience would occasionally occur, but in a more random fashion even though we were having hot kinky sex every day.

In part, our recent new sexual freedom is a function of our Anal April experience where Lady Petra was in virtual chastity for a month, during which time we only had anal sex every day, for the month. That experience opened up her relatedness to has ass as a sex organ.

Add to that the Hypnokink we are employing as a way to begin our scenes, and you have the formula for reachable nirvana level peak sexuality.

For us it has been a multiyear pursuit and now, with experience, skills, honed kinks and complete trust between us, the access we have to peak sexuality is very real. Our experience has been described by practitioners of Tantra as quite remarkable and approaching a state of cosmic energy, here is what one such educator, Mystic Chick, had to say:

”When you get into the space you [are] in with Lady Petra during that passage, it became an intertwining of energies. But then it evolved into it’s own living, energetic being. When you come together in that way, you are creating a special type of magic. It feeds and inspires others by contributing to the Collective Unconscious. This impacts other’s encounters on a very subliminal level. This type of energetic play can be healing for yourselves and others This is because when you two are sexually engaged in this manner, the chakras are open and Shakti (kundalini) is flowing freely. Shakti is the creative force that puts you in touch with cosmic energy (which may be why you described your encounter with LP as “alien”)…”

To create this experience in an even more predictable manner, we recently began to practice Hypnokink as I mentioned.

ECSTASY – noun

– an overwhelming feeling of great happiness of joyful excitement “there was a look of ecstasy on her face”

– an emotional or religious frenzy or trance-like state, originally one involving an experience of mystic self-transcendence

– an overpowering emotion or exaltation: a state of sudden, intense feeling

Origin:

– First recorded in 1350–1400; Middle English extasie, from Middle French, from Medieval Latin extasis, from Greek ékstasis “displacement, trance,” equivalent to ek- ec- + stásis stasis

Synonym Study for Ecstasy

– Ecstasy, rapture, transport, exaltation share a sense of being taken or moved out of one’s “self” or one’s normal state and entering a state of intensified or heightened feeling. Ecstasy suggests an intensification of emotion so powerful as to produce a trancelike dissociation from all but the single overpowering feeling: an ecstasy of rage, grief, love. Rapture shares the power of ecstasy but most often refers to an elevated sensation of bliss or delight, either carnal or spiritual: the rapture of first love. Transport, somewhat less extreme than either ecstasy or rapture, implies a strength of feeling that results in expression of some kind: They jumped up and down in a transport of delight. Exaltation refers to a heady sense of personal well-being so powerful that one is lifted above normal emotional levels and above normal people: wild exaltation at having finally broken the record.

This particular definition is the most accurate in describing our experience:

– “Ecstasy suggests an intensification of emotion so powerful as to produce a trancelike dissociation from all but the single overpowering feeling”

As I noted earlier, we find exploring our kink akin to being in a hypnotic trance state. It’s true, there is ritual and structure to our sceneing that creates a hypnotic context that we sink into and enjoy as if we are in a trance state. We describe the experience of our scenes as if we have unlocked the Master Level of the “game”. The sex is amazing, and quite far beyond what either of us thought sex was for all those years.

Inside of the hypnosis context, we created the notion of a “mouthgasm”, which we defined as an orgasm that occurs when we engage in deep throat oral sex. Now there is some uncertainty about if she would have an orgasm in her mind caused by being throat fucked, or if she would have an orgasm in her pussy as stimulated by being deeply throat fucked. School is not out on that one yet. The very idea itself was designed to make her into a real 3-hole whore.

To set up the scene, she began mouthgasm training by using an Hitachi Wand to bring herself to the very edge of orgasm before I plunge my cock down her throat and only when my cock is all the way down her throat does she allow herself to cum. That is by using the Hitachi through the orgasm.

The intention is to gradually stop using the Hitachi as my cock entered her mouth to see if she will orgasm with the stimulus of being deep throat fucked. At this stage of her training, she still needs the stimulus of the Hitachi to achieve orgasm.

Now we are onto Phase two. We are being guided in our exploration of kink hypnosis with the help of a friend who practices the art.

The first step is to put her into an hypnotic trance and see where that goes.

This means that I am getting used to hypnotizing her. And she is getting used to being hypnotized. The skill I am developing at induction is gradually making it easier to hypnotize her. At the moment she is being hypnotized to experience any touch by me to be Hitachi-like in the way she experiences it. We started by coaching her to feel my fingertips “vibrating with the power of the Hitachi” as I stroke her neck, arms, back and breasts.

Next, she is being coached to feel that same sense of vibration from my cock as it enters her throat and finally she is being trained to cum with the trigger of deep throat penetration by my vibrating cock along with a simultaneous verbal prompt.

Over time she will come to accept that deep throat penetration as a trigger for orgasm, and we can begin to remove the Hitachi from the equation.

Then she will be a 3-hole-whore in reality.

She is already experiencing mind blowing sexual ecstasy. Her expanding self-expression as a sexual creature has given her access to a new level of climactic pleasure.

And its only the beginning of the journey.

My point is that we are on an inquiry of exploring how far we can take our sexuality and we have had the experience of regularly achieving this unexpected outcome that quite honestly approaches nirvana.

While I cannot claim that we have indeed achieve Peak Sexuality, we are very happily well along the path.

References:

https://aeon.co/essays/tantric-sex-promises-healthy-bliss-what-does-the-science-say https://www.uncoveringintimacy.com/simultaneous-orgasm-survey-results/

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/

7 Reasons Audio Porn Is The Best Type Of Foreplay

August 12, 2021 By April Sutphen 3 Comments

lesbians kissing, Shibari — via stock.adobe.com

Audio porn is quickly becoming one of the leading sources of erotica pleasure. Beautifully crafted stories, compelling characters, and your naughty imagination all come together to create a unique and arousing experience.

Are you already hooked on audio porn? Or maybe this is your first time hearing about it? (Pun intended).

Exactly how it sounds, audio porn is sexy and seductive stories read aloud for your listening pleasure. Think of it like a naughty book on tape!

Not convinced that audio porn can hold a candle to your favorite porn website or magazine?

Keep reading to discover 7 reasons audio porn is the best type of foreplay and why you need to experience it — now!

1. A Treat for All Your Senses

Pornographic videos and photos offer visual stimulation. These are most popular among men who need little more than a racy photograph to get their motors running. Women, on the other hand, respond best to erotic stimulation in the form of a story (or at least a movie or video with a decent storyline).

It’s no surprise that women often require an emotional connection for arousal whereas a man’s response is purely physical. Audio porn offers a unique way to stimulate several of your senses at once.

Listening to the character’s seductive voices as they tell the story will overpower your auditory senses. It’s not just the voices that grab you but the way they describe every feeling and sensation — the moans, the gasps, the heavy breathing. Erotic audio sex stories are like a warm, sexy secret being whispered in your ear.

Even though there are no pictures or videos to accompany the stories, your visual imagination will run wild (more on this in a minute), as you imagine the characters. You can also read along with the story as you listen, creating a multi-layered approach to sexual arousal and satisfaction.

2. Let’s You Use Your Naughty Imagination

Watching porn doesn’t take too much imagination. After all, the images are front and center. Every curve, detail, position, and scenario is played out before you. While there’s certainly something to be said about this no-fuss, no-muss approach to pleasure, it doesn’t allow for your own creative freedom.

When listening to audio porn, it’s up to you to envision exactly what each character looks like. You can close your eyes and let their voices wash over you. Picture the lines of their face and the curves of their body. How do they feel, smell, and move?

Because your visual senses are limited, audio porn heightens your other awesome senses including sound and your naughty imagination.

3. Gives You a Different Perspective

Have you ever dreamed about getting inside the mind and body of your partner? Do you wonder what the actors in your favorite porn videos are thinking and feeling?

These unique and steamy erotic audio sex stories actually let you listen from the perspective of both characters. As a woman, you can listen and feel the animalistic intensity of the male characters while men get a unique peek inside the mind and body of a woman.

Gain a better perspective on what makes the other sex tick by listening to a variety of audio porn that describes various scenarios including threesomes, BDSM, cuckold, and more.

4. Audio Porn is Quick and Easy to Use

The average erotica audio story is between 3 and 5 minutes long, with some extending to 10 minutes. Whether you’re driving to work, listening in the shower, or indulging in some voyeurism on the subway, audio porn is a quick and easy way to enjoy some sexual arousal anywhere at any time.

Viewing porn on your phone or computer is risky — especially if you’re in the office, working from home, or surrounded by people. Audio porn can be your own dirty little secret. Just slip in your earbuds and immerse yourself in a seductive story. The excitement and arousal will last long after the story ends, making audio porn a great form of foreplay.

5. Helps You Unwind Before Bed

Studies show that using a digital device like your smartphone, tablet, or TV before bed can make it more difficult to fall asleep. The blue light emitted from these devices prevents your brain from releasing much-needed melatonin for sleep.

But what if you enjoy a little sexual release before drifting off to sleep that involves viewing porn? Never fear — audio porn is here!

Now, you can slide between the sheets with your favorite erotic audio sex stories and close your eyes. As your body and mind relax in the darkness, the animal inside you will come alive! Either take hold and release some sexual tension or simply let the voices relax you as you fall asleep to the sound of a sexy story.

The choice is yours.

6. Allows for Hands-Free Fun

All the erotic story lovers out there, raise your hand! Oh, wait, you can’t, because your hands are struggling to hold a book and touch yourself at the same time.

Not anymore!

Audio porn lets you experience your favorite erotic stories without tying up your hands. You can let the stories play on your favorite device or get up close and personal using headphones or earbuds. As the seductive voices whisper into your ear, your hands are now free to explore and stimulate your body — or your partners’!

7. Share Erotic Audio Sex Stories with Your Partner

Speaking of partners, foreplay is all about the build-up. Naughty text messages, sexy pictures, and sexual innuendos shared throughout the day make for a hot and steamy night. Audio porn is one more tool in your sexual wheelhouse to help increase intimacy and pleasure between you and your partner.

Share an audio sex story that details exactly what you want to do with them or perfectly describes your favorite fantasy. You can also use audio porn to let your partner know you want to try something new. Subtly suggest roleplaying, a threesome, or even being gagged and blindfolded by sharing an erotic sex story about it and seeing how they react.

7. Audio Porn is Arousing in a More Subtle Way

Although 40 million people admit to regularly visiting porn sites, the truth is, there are millions more out there that either don’t admit to it, want to watch porn but are too embarrassed, or engage in other arousing activities like reading erotica.

If you fall into any of these categories and want a more subtle way to get your juices flowing (literally), audio porn is the answer. Not only is it a discreet way to experience some of the hottest and most taboo sex stories available, but it falls under more of the “soft porn” category.

Not everyone is comfortable watching graphic videos that depict two (or more) people having aggressive sex. Even romantic porn videos are more than some people can handle. Erotic audio sex stories are a beautiful, subtle, and equally sexy way to engage in foreplay and self-pleasure.

Explore the World of Audio Porn Today

The porn industry has evolved exponentially over the last several decades. As with any industry, some changes have been good while others have been questionable.

If you want a safe, sexy, easy way to tap into your seductive side, erotic audio sex stories are the way to go. This new form of erotica takes your favorite stories and brings them to life with compelling descriptions and intoxicating audio. Audio porn combines passionate stories, vivid descriptions, and your wildest fantasies to deliver a truly unique experience for all of your senses.

Writer @ Sofia Gray – The largest used underwear marketplace

Training Your Sissy

August 1, 2021 By SafferMaster 2 Comments

Domme holding cock cage — via stock.adobe.com

You have an effeminate boyfriend even or submissive husband and discover that you really want a gurl. So it’s up to you to train your sissy to please you.

The first and most obvious thing to do is to require that she start wearing female underwear. There is something very sexy about pulling on female underwear as a sissy. It’s a really good place to start. It’s also a good idea at the same time to begin some form of anal training. To do so, you can start with a series of extended trials of butt plug insertion. On a gradient, your sissy can train her ass with a bigger and bigger plug, with longer and longer sessions of being plugged. You want her to get present to the idea that her ass is yours to use.

It’s a very good idea to train your sissy to wear stockings with a garter belt, and high heels and perhaps a skirt along with her frilly lady’s underwear for public showings. This will really put her in the correct frame of mind to be your service sissy.

Obviously, the main thing to focus on in training your sissy is to train her to wear a cock cage. If you think of her ass as her “man-pussy” and her cock as her “over developed clit”, then it becomes easier to help progress her sissyfication to full Gurliness.

Next, you need to begin to teach your sissy how to properly use makeup to make sure she is beautiful for you. And of course, she will need a pretty pink wig to complete the ensemble.

Imagine her in an outfit with her pink hair, all made up with her short skirt, garter belt, nylons and high heels and her cock cage peeking out of her frilly lingerie. How cute!

It’s a good idea to have your sissy in a collar and leash when you have guests so she on display as “owned” when she serves you. She can serve you and your friends drinks and hors d’oeuvres while dressed as your personal French maid to make everybody’s evening fun. And of course, you can use her and share her with your friends if that is what is desired. She can fluff your girlfriends, get paddled by them and even pegged by them if you desire.

Ultimately, while denial is a good teacher and while milking your sissy into a cocktail glass for her to drink every so often is a fun creative way to give her a release, you really want to train your sissy to be your pegging bitch. Training her to be pegged should begin with a one finger prostate massage and progress from there. You should train your sissy to take thicker and thicker and longer dildos with the goal of eventually using a strap on to fuck your sissy’s ass. Over time, bigger cocks and even fisting her ass is a possibility. It’s all a matter of training. Remember, your sissy is there to please you.

It’s fine to restrict your sissy to clean up duty, so she can eat out your cum filled pussy or ass, and its also fine to teach your sissy how to properly pleasure you orally so that if you feel like having an orgasm she can oblige. It’s also completely on the cards to train your sissy to fluff or clean your male partners or Bulls. I have known women to require their sissy to be a fuck toy for their Bulls too. It’s all up to you.

It’s a good idea accustom your sissy be paddled. The use of a paddle or a hairbrush on your sissy is a particularly good way to discipline her, and we all know that she will need to be disciplined occasionally. She should know that when you give her a good over the knee paddling, you do so because you are training her, not just to be cruel. It’s never a good idea to paddle out of anger. Training your sissy to be your good gurl is a time-honored process where care and nurturing of her is important. She thrives on humiliation and it’s your job as her mistress to bring her along so that she is well trained to please you the way you desire.

The good news is that there are innumerable cis men out there looking for a Mistress to serve. If you want a sissy, she is there for the taking.

Like with any kink, sissyfication requires communication. Many sissies do not really know all that there is to be gained by being feminized, and they often do not expect to have the strong positive reaction to being feminized that they do. They find that they really come to love the experience, and many go on to contemplate extreme measures, like castration, to fulfil on their duty to their Mistress. The thing is that sissyfication is and feminization is not the same thing as transformation. A trans girl is not feminizing because they are being trained as a sissy, they are feminizing because they are indeed a female inside. Feminization and sissyfication are aspects of humiliation of a cis male that your sissy thrives on.

A good way to approach the process of sissyfication is to work on “brainwashing” your sissy. Hypnosis is a useful tool in this approach. I recommend The Brainwshing Book: Hypnotic, Erotic Behaviorism and Beyond by Sleepinggirl, who both practices hypnokink personally and she also teaches hypnokink workshops.

“Brainwashing” is a concept that titillates and mystifies—it implies an intense kind of control over another person and surrender of will. Within the context of erotic hypnosis, it might be considered a sort of holy grail to some, but what does it mean to achieve this in an ethical, effective, and mutually enjoyable way? In “The Brainwashing Book,” she explores a model that teaches and takes advantage of well-researched psychological principles and intermediate-to-advanced hypnosis skills in order to pursue this fun, hot form of play—and find how it can improve your trancing as a whole. Sleepingirl is a queer writer, presenter, and podcaster with a decade of real-life erotic hypnosis experience on both sides of the “pocket watch.”

So armed with a cock cage, a series of butt plugs, a strap on and several didlos, a collar and leash, and a good paddle, your sissy can be trained to experience herself as a gurl designed to perfectly please you. She will need her ladies underwear, her garter belt and stockings, high heels and a short skirt along with a wig and make up. And of course, the most important consideration, a good attitude. She needs to buy in completely.

In many cases, it’s a good idea to train your sissy to serve you and your friends. She can present herself in her pretty outfit and make sure you and your girlfriends have drinks and snacks and she can serve to pleasure your girlfriends by letting herself be used by them as a fuck toy. This would be a very humiliating services and one to aspire to rather than one to start out with. I have learned of sissy’s who are well trained to be toilet submissives for their Mistresses. So the sky is the limit. If you can think of it, you can train your sissy to execute.

It is important to emphasize that training a sissy is about enrolling them in the process and bringing them along on a gradient that allows them time to adjust to the concept and context. Communication is key. Negotiations must be frank and its important to make progress with each transition with the sissy buying in completely. This may take some time, but its worth it in the end. The folks we have talked to who are involved in FLR dynamics who are pursuing sissyfication are among the happiest kinksters we have ever encountered. Living your true self expression as a kinkster is really powerful.

We have found that those submissive kinksters who know what they genuinely want and who they truly are experience the process of sissyfication with an open heart.

Ultimately its up to you to be responsible for leading the communication to make sure you train your sissy well. If you need coaching to help you train your sissy, then feel free to reach out to us to ask us how to begin.

On our pod, The Kinky Coctail Hour, we had a conversation with a sissy that is worth a listen https://www.buzzsprout.com/962578/8440166

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com

New coaching content can be found on out Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/

BDSM And Personal Discovery

July 23, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

how sub woman in chains and leather — via stock.adobe.com

Some of us, one could argue both the lucky and the unlucky ones, knew we wanted something other than the vanilla heteronormative relationships that society in the 80’s and 90’s tried to condition is to want. Lucky because it is easier to find something when you know you’re looking for it; unlucky because you’d be surprised how many people want nothing to do with someone questioning and experimenting with their own sexuality. Perhaps my experiences would have been different today, but I can only embrace that which is mine and move forward with that knowlege.

Had I desired that vanilla heteronormativity, I’d have had lots of opportunities to figure myself out in middle and high school. Unfortunately, instead my late middle school and high school years are a jumble of memories of cuddling with females and being too afraid to take that next step for fear of rejection, and dark porn, clearly staged, badly acted, and a foundation for some sexual imprinting. For those of use who want bondage or any kind of same sex relationships, we don’t have those same opportunities to explore. That’s why the jokes about lesbians not knowing if they are being hit on and awkward bisexuals exist. We lack that early practice and have to stumble through the finding ourselves part while trying to have adult relationships. That’s a lot of pressure all at once.

The same goes for kink. We don’t have shibari opportunities in high school to figure out what works for us. So we all just do the best that we can and figure things out along the way as we figure them out. We are all on our own timelines. Some of us don’t discover that the things we like are not “normal” until someone slaps us in the face with that information. Maybe literally, who knows?

So what does that mean for the questing adult who has tripped over kink rather than sought it out? I have wondered lately how to explain what we do to someone without the foundation I assume people have when they seek us out. I suppose I would start this way:

Kink is many things to many people. It is not up to me to decide how an individual defines that for themself. It is not for me to judge provided the desired activity is consented to by and with a human of legal age who is capable of giving consent, and does not have the purpose of doing lasting harm, rather than fleeting hurt.

I would tell them kink can absolutely be sexual, but that it doesn’t have to be. Sure, threesomes are probably classified in there somewhere as kink, but when the umbrella encompasses so much variety and many different viewpoints, often times sex can take a backseat to pain, even if that pain has sexual connotations or elements to the people engaging in its practice.

I would tell them to find something that appeals to them, and then to seek out more information. Read books, browse fet, find local people and have conversations. Though it can be difficult, try not to find us scary or intimidating. We’re just normal people who happen to have bonded over a common interest. With some it’s video games or comic books, sports, or food. With us, we bond over kink. It’s easy enough to fit right in.

Above all, I would tell them to ask questions. It’s okay not to know everything. Our honesty is our strength. Everyone won’t know everything., and it is okay not to know this.

Most of all, I would suggest finding someone trustworthy to show them the rules. We see consent very differently from the whole of mainstream society. Sadly. It shouldn’t be different, yet the kink community’s views on consent are so much more empowering than the old rules I was raised with. Even with those differences, missteps are easy. Having a guide can make a huge difference.

Be open to new experience. Every day is a gift when we accept what is coming.