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Building A Flogger

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When I began building floggers, I didn’t have the benefit of learning from anyone how to do it.  I spent time searching out various tutorials, print and video, and got frustrated.  What I had in my head wasn’t what I was seeing anywhere.  Much like when I cook, I had to take what I saw as the best parts of lots of different recipes, keeping the necessary ingredients while making the taste my own.

Locals in our community have opportunities to craft implements with me on occasion, when I’ve offered a course, complete with leather, tools and guidance.  I always promise them their first will turn out light years better than mine did – some goodwill sweatpants cut into strips and glued on a piece of dowel.

How I build

I start by deciding what I want my flogger to feel like (see my prior articles for more information about that).  Suffice to say, the amount and texture of the leather I use will depend greatly on what I’ve decided.

Once I’ve decided what the feel should be, I examine my larger piece of leather to determine where the size piece I have chosen will best fit.  Sometimes the size of the larger piece will force my hand, if it has limitations.  

Once I have cut my piece or pieces away from the larger hide, I often switch my focus to the handle.  Braiding works best in multiples of four, so if I’m going to braid the handle I need to find leather scrap long enough to cut into strips that will braid well.  If I’m stitching, I measure with a great deal more exactness, cutting a rectangle the precise size I will need to fully cover my handle.  Waxed thread works best with leather, though I will occasionally wax my own so I can customize my options a little better.

Handle complete, I create the section of falls.  I know some people will use a piece of leather the length of their handle, then split falls off, but I prefer about an inch of overlap from the base of the handle rather than wrapping the full length.  I measure twice down the row, marking my future cuts with tailor’s chalk.  It turns out chalk works well on most leathers, since it just rubs off easily.  I advise students to measure from the same side when they mark, to avoid slanted cuts if the body of their piece is uneven.

Once falls are marked and cut, I use glue on the band of the fall section and wrap it around the base of the handle.  For most, upholstery tacks finish that portion.  Some may want to upgrade to knotwork over their fall section, but that’s done more easily with a video tutorial.  There are some excellent ones on YouTube, though I personally find Viper’s video tutorial to be the best out there.  I believe he has them for sale in his etsy shop.

The handle strap is next, and I often cut the strap, end cap circle and covering wrap all at once.  Some people think the end strap is for your wrist.  I’ll agree to disagree with those folks.  I build mine shorter, clearly hanging straps, though I can make them longer for those who request that.  This top section can also be covered with knotwork for those who prefer, or finished with tacks as well.

The one thing I emphasize is that the devil is in the details.  My wraps start from the same side of the handle.  I position hanging loop straps equidistant from what I determine is a centerline on the handle.  I make sure diamonds in braided handles line up, and stitching is in a straight line rather than wandering.  

When my students finish, I warn them about set times for their glue.  Test swings are one thing, but attempting a full scene with an implement whose glue hasn’t finished curing can lead to things shifting or even coming apart.  They don’t always listen, but at least I gave them the information.

I believe building implements for one’s own bag is a skill everyone can learn.  What I have noticed, however, is that those who spend the time to try it once begin to appreciate the pricing of handcrafted implements a little more.  They come to understand the time and effort which goes into the creation of each piece.  

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

The Use Of Signals in Public

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

A while back, I published an essay called “Keeping your Dynamics Under Wraps”. In it, I discussed a  number of techniques for maintaining and executing your power dynamic – without it being apparent to  people around you (kids, relatives, co-workers, etc.). 

One of the techniques, which has recently spurred some interest, is the use of furtive signals to improve  communications without arousing awareness. I felt it would be good to dive in a bit deeper this week. 

The first key point is really an observation: The most effective means of keeping communications  private, is misdirection. In this case, giving the impression that the idea for someone’s actions was their  own. If it’s done well in a D/s context, it seems that the submissive partner thought up the action themselves, when, in reality, they were actually RESPONDING to impetus from the dominant partner. The dominant gets what they want, but it appears to be the submissive’s initiative. 

Why is that important? We are setting up this non-verbal communication system so that a dominant can  direct a submissive without it appearing that the submissive is following directives. When we see  someone volunteer to do something, apparently without provocation, we assume that the person is  doing it out of the goodness of their heart; that they are just a “really good guy”, “a doting partner”, or  “someone who really likes to help”. We accept almost anything that way. 

Most people with power dynamics will establish protocol and routine ahead of meeting with others outside of their dynamic. They will establish “rules of behavior” that are to be followed without any  need for prompting. These are terrific, but tend to be a bit inflexible. When a situation arises that wasn’t anticipated, the routines can break down and the communications can falter. This is where having a set  of signals can be of service. The idea is to covertly handle exceptions to the routines that were  previously established, through the use of non-verbal communications. 

Some basic rules 

There are a few rules you will want to follow to make this effective and clandestine: 

– Eye contact during a signal is usually a BAD thing. Others can see an increase in intensity, or a  “call to focus” when you attempt to communicate with your eyes. Even if there is a signal in  play, many people will either look at the signal, or look at the submissive – to either emphasize  the signal or gain confirmation that the signal was received. This is usually a give-away: Others  see that connection, realize that something out of the ordinary has occurred, and put two-and two together when the submissive partner suddenly gets an idea to do something “helpful”  

– Deliberately looking away is not good either: Keep the signal natural and don’t change your  focus because you’re using one. If you’re looking forward, keep looking forward. Don’t stare or  remain stagnant. Just be loose and natural 

– Signals need to be hiding in plain sight. They can’t be something that the sub needs to search  for…yet, it can’t be something unnatural that calls attention. Things dealing with objects around 

you will work well – like resting a hand on a table or a chair. Stretching, scratching one’s nose,  touching an earring – these are all very prominent, but natural motions that can be used – The signals will rely on the submissive partner’s dedication to observation. It is the onus of the  submissive partner to be looking for the signals. If they’re missed, it’s on the submissive – Allow time to pass between signal and action. Immediate reaction to a signal can be a give away, particularly if a lot of signaling is going on. Eventually, those around you will notice that  when the dominant moves, the submissive reacts. It’s far more clandestine if there is a  disconnect in time between the signal and the action. It doesn’t have to be long, just a moment  to disassociate the actions 

Ways to make it work 

Here are some easy ways to make this work: 

– Make signals the exception to submissive behavior routines. In other words, the submissive  partner is ALWAYS looking for ways to serve as usual. The normal course of events will continue  with the routines and protocols in play. Use of the signal is for something outside of that normal  behavior. It could be a request for non-submissive behavior – or it could be a request for a  specific, predetermined action. A good signal will not mean “Obey Me Immediately”; for that is  likely a given…however, a good signal might say, “I want your honest answer, not the one you  think I want to hear from my submissive” 

– Establish a feedback loop. It’s helpful to establish a return signal for the submissive partner to  use that communicates back: “aye-aye” (which, btw, originated as ‘I hear and I obey”). It  informs the dominant that the submissive partner has received the signal and is ready to act on  it – even if that action doesn’t happen immediately. This allows the dominant to stop signaling,  knowing that the message has been received, and then be focused elsewhere when the  submissive partner suddenly gets the idea to do something. My hubby and I use a touch of his  eye to indicate that a signal has been received. People rub their eyes all the time. I signal; he  touches his eye; communication completed

– Check in with me: I recommend that you always have a signal that means, “Check in with me”.  It’s impossible to predict every situation you might encounter and build signals around that.  There will be times when only verbal communication will do. The “check in with me”-signal tells  the submissive partner to take the initiative to see if there’s something the dominant partner  wants or needs. It tells them to observe, or perhaps enquire as to what is needed 

– Keep it simple: Make the signals natural gestures. It’s better to have a missed signal than to  have a submissive need to noticeably look for, or interpret a signal. Plus, you don’t want to have  to exaggerate a signal to have it seen. You want to know that, as long as the submissive is paying  attention (which they are on point to do), they will see the signal 

– Avoid “counting”: This one is almost funny…but I’ve seen it. “If I tap on my wrist 3 times, it  means ask me if I want a drink; twice ask me if I’m hungry”. Fundamentally, don’t do this! Everyone in the room is going to zone in on your tapping – not because you’re tapping, but  because the submissive partner will be focused on counting. It forces the sub to stare – and that  needs to be avoided. It’s surprising that, although this seems obvious, many people do it 

– Keep the repertoire small: Strive to establish the fewest number of signals you can. Pick general  meanings that can be interpreted based on the situation. Use them to initiate actions (like checking in) that open the door to natural conversations. Use them to bring general attention to  the dominant, who can then help the submissive partner determine what needs to be done.  – Practice, practice, practice. Try it with small things. Drop signals when the submissive is busy.  The submissive needs to learn how to be alert and observant. When they see the signal, have them say it out loud (when you’re practicing). If you have friends who are aware of your  dynamic, practice in front of them – If they don’t see the signals, even though they’re tuned in,  people who are not tuned in will never be the wiser 

With my submissive, I only have four signals: 

1) “I want your real opinion”: Under normal circumstances, his aim is to make me happy, so, if I  said, “Do you want to go out for Italian food tonight?” and didn’t give the signal, he would  interpret it as, “We’re going out for Italian tonight…and I’m giving you the opportunity to at  least LOOK LIKE you have a choice” and his answer will always be, “Yes, Italian sounds  perfect!“…but if I give him the signal for his real opinion, he is free to suggest something else. He  might respond, “Italian sounds great, or maybe Indian?” The “Real Opinion” signal is very  valuable with unknowing folks around 

2) “You’re missing something you should be doing”: He knows that he had better stop and figure  this one out fast. I’m not necessarily telling him what he’s missing, but I’m alerting him to the  fact that something is up. For us, the signal is me playing with my earring. Usually with a little  thought, he can figure out what I want pretty quickly, but when he can’t, he enquires. He has said things like, “Are you OK honey? You look like you’re thinking of something. You have the  habit of playing with your earring when something is bothering you…is there anything I can do?”  Which just makes him seem like the PERFECT husband; observant and tuned into his wife. Then I  can choose to either give him subtle direction at that point, or take him to a private spot where I  can give him more direct instruction – or, if I want him to figure it out, I can just respond that  nothing is wrong. Regardless, others need not know what’s going on – and it looks like he’s  initiating the interaction and just being a doting husband 

3) “Stop talking, stop arguing, get in line…obey!”: Which has that intended effect! It’s the  equivalent of saying, ‘submissives are meant to be seen not heard”…and he will quickly blend  into the background 

4) Lastly, we have his favorite signal, which says, “You’re in for a treat tonight”… which means I’m  thinking of wickedly evil things to do to him when we get alone. This one will always get a rise out of him 🙂 

Dominance and submission are between the ears of the unique couple. What you say and what you do  is far less important than the understood intent of what you say and what you do. When you’re both on  the same page, people around you can be completely unaware that your dynamic is in full-force.  Predefined routines and protocols help you to maintain your dynamic when you don’t want those  around you to be aware of it. Establishing a small set of private, clandestine signals will allow you to  adjust those routines to the realities around you: Handling situations that you have not predicted and  adapting to real-time changes in your mood and preferences. Try them out! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Dissociative Identity Disorder And Kink

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Multiple Personality Disorder, which has been renamed Dissociative Identity Disorder, involves the presence of three or more alternate personalities (alters) within a single mind/body.  DID is an extremely misunderstood diagnosis.  While it has defining characteristics, it takes a psychiatrist who specializes in the disorder to diagnose the condition.  To put this into perspective, there is one doctor qualified to diagnose DID within 200 miles of my home.

Why am I telling you this?

Because, in my world, I love an individual with DID.  I talk often of the mental health issues my partners have.  To us, they are simply a part of life.  I am a strong proponent that Mental Health should always negotiated, and renegotiated, while in the lifestyle.  It does not matter if you are just getting into the scene or have been in it for decades. 

But what happens when these diagnoses happen in an existing relationship?  

You must make a decision.  That is the easy part.  You are either going to support your partner and figure out whatever is happening, or you are going to leave.

I chose to stay.

We have learned over the years that the “early episodes” that we had attributed to her Bipolar Disorder, was Callie Anne testing the waters.  In her own words, she was trying to come out of “the dark” and see if it was “safe.”  When I asked her why she had never come out before, she said it was “cuz she had to watch and wait to see if I was safe.”

Then, in the middle of the night, seven-ish years after we started dating (and two years into our marriage), this little voice talked to me.  Quiet, skittish, and unaware of her surroundings.  She looked up at me with these wide eyes and asked who I was.  She wanted to know why I was in her room.  She refused to tell me her name.  She said I was a stranger and she was taught to never talk to strangers.  So, in the softest voice, I introduced myself. 

That’s right; I introduced myself to my own wife.

The following morning, I asked her if she remembered waking up.  She did not.  She told me she had not dreamt and had not woken once the night before. 

So, I let it go.  I figured it was one of those things that just happen.

Then it happened again a couple months later.

And again, two weeks after that.

Then, she finally introduced herself.  She told me her name was Callie Anne R.—vroom, vroom like the car.  And I laughed.

Slowly, but surely, she would come out more and more.  She would visit only when I was alone.  Because, even at four, Callie Anne recognizes that DID has a very bad stigma attached to it.  She had no desire to be “hurt again.”

Through research, and our own experience, DID often happens due to childhood trauma.  It is not an absolute cause but is a common among diagnosed cases.  Many alters fracture to protect the ‘dominate’ personality, from remembering/experiencing something.

We kept this secret for three and a half years before we sought out a proper diagnosis.  I am deeply protective of both B and Callie.  So is the rest of our polyquad.  In fact, Callie Anne had a whole escape plan drawn out (in crayon of course) for her first therapy session.  Drampa (what she calls our husband) would fight the doctor, Diddy (me) would sneak her out the back, Drama (our second wife) would be the getaway driver, and Tigger (our service dog) would snuggle her on the ride out. 

She was so nervous to meet the therapist.

Because she didn’t want to be put back in the dark again.

And the most common “technique” associated with DID therapy is called Integration.  This, basically, is when the dominant personality absorbs all the other personalities and they cease to exist as their own entity.  

I respect people’s decision to choose this option.  I disagree with the belief that it is a cure.

Callie Anne is as much a part of our life as B is.  She writes to Santa at Yule.  She waits for the Easter Bunny every year (since bunnies are the bestest).  She cries when she gets a booboo.  And she has the sweetest laugh when Drampa picks on her and tickles her.  Her love and innocence are that of any four-year-old.  Although she was born of trauma, she is full of happiness.

Therefore, integration of any kind would be murder in my eyes.  I would be consenting to snuffing out the life of my babygirl.

Which, if you have not guessed, is unacceptable.

**On a side note, Callie Anne is sitting here with me and I wanted to record her reaction to the last two statements above.  She said “That’s Good.  I don’t wanna die either.  If you try Diddy, Imma hide behind Drampa and He will beat your butt.”  She then proceeded to dance a little and sing “Drampa’s gonna beat you up, uh huh, uh huh.”**  –All I can do is shake my head with a fond smile.

As I have discussed before, Callie considers herself a little.  This allows her to find others who are accepting of her, and don’t often question anything too personal.  As such, I am a Diddy (Daddy), though our relationship is far from BDSM/dynamic related.  She has found acceptance with the other littles in our community.  

Even Callie wonders sometimes if she is classified as a little.  To the best of my knowledge, the answer is yes.  She is a regressive little.

I have tried, many times, to find others with a similar diagnosis.  If DID exists in the BDSM world, it has been beyond my reach to find.  The single article that addressed DID and kink was a very long rant about judgmental individuals within the community who do not want to play with people with mental disorders.  I will never discredit their experience.  We have been lucky to find an accepting community who simply say hello to Callie and her stuffed bunny (Foo-Foo) and invite her to join them in coloring.  

Then, our core had a discussion.  There are more personalities than just B and Callie.  In fact, there are eleven currently known alters.  

So, my core sat down and wrote out some questions for the alters.  With Master as Head of Household, myself as Diddy, and our second wife as Dramma (grandma), it is our job to take care of them.  But, we have only negotiated formally with B.  How do you take care of eleven people and only talk to one?  

You don’t.

So, what follows, is a record of the negotiation questions we needed answers to, in order to continue in our relationship with the consent of all parties involved.

Here is the Code to who is who:

B- She is the host personality.

Callie Anne- She is a happy-go-lucky four-year-old.

Blue- She is eight and generally sad.  She is the only one besides Callie and B to successfully control the physical body, even for a short few minutes.

Black- She is nine and generally feels everyone’s guilt.

Callie Rose- She is nine and she hides in the safe space (a playground within the mind that the children built) and has yet to speak to anyone.

Cally- She is fifteen and she refuses to interact with the adult alters (or adults in the real world)

Bahloo- He is an adult alter who acts as a caregiver and therapist to all the personalities.  We often refer to him as A.

Anger- He is the protector of the children.

D- She is the logical voice and cannot feel, or be influenced, by emotion.

Shadow- This is the protector of the child still in the dark.  S/he has no identifiable gender.

Girl in the Dark- We know she exists but have yet to be able to break her out of her trauma cycle and interact with her.

Do I have to negotiate with all of your alters or just one? 

B: I would say you would have to do the detailed negotiation with the one you scene with. And try and touch base with the others.

Callie Anne: your negotiation is with the one alter. But then it is the job for the one to check in with the others. To make sure that they all have a place to go when the scene happens. Whether it’s our hand built safe space in our brain, or that they just don’t care what happens. 

If I violate the consent of one, do I violate the consent of all?

D: as the logical one, I would say no. You made the deal with one, not all.

B: for me this is a grey area. I know it’s not all about logic when you feel violated. 

Callie Anne: when everyone has their own rules for play, I think unless you violate one of their rules, you are fine

Should people with DID play since they have blurred boundaries?

Callie Anne: each of us have our own reality. I feel as long as you have conversations with each alter that can control the body, it is ok. If there are alters that do not live anywhere but the brain, the dominant personality should talk with them and see what they believe, or will know, or will feel. 

Do all alters have the same safeword?

Every alter has its own safe word. B has one and Callie Anne has a different version of it.

Example: B’s safeword is Alligator.  Callie Anne’s is giggleator.

How do you compartmentalize kink if you have underage alters?

B: This question is difficult. Each person has their own ways of doing this. For us personally, we have spent the time and energy building a safe space in our mind. Our safe space looks like a glass snow globe. Inside is a waterfall, a lake, an open sided building that holds toys, books, crayons; anything that interests the kids. There is also a gray/black foggy space for when they are not ready to interact with people. No one or nothing can get into the safe space unless we build it. So, it is a place that is free from bad memories, bad feelings, and “monsters”.  When getting ready for a scene, all the littles, and adults alike, that do not want to witness what is going on sit in there.  

How do you explain kink vs abuse to alters?

Callie Anne: It was hard at first. Then Diddy and Drampa explained that the biggest difference between them was if you like it, it is kink. If you do not, and it bothers you or scares you, then it is abuse. We have found a new piece who was stuck in a bad memory loop. Her name is Callie Rose. There has been no explanation for her yet. She is still sitting in the black space in the safe place because she is still trying to deal with the fear and pain from her loop. 

Does each alter have their own limits? 

Yes, each personality has their own limits. B loves spankings, hard floggings, light electrical, and some voyeurism. Callie Anne loves rope, light floggings, giggles at Drampa when trying electrical, and if out during other scenes, pops in her paci and headphones and avoids paying attention

Are some of the alters unaware of kink?

Yes they are. All the adult alters know, and so far the only child who knows is Callie Anne. (Even then, she is not privy to the more edgy side of kink).

Do the alters that know about kink all have different roles?  

Depends on what you mean. They only have different roles in kink depending on what they enjoy. They do each have different roles in my “normal” life. 

Does a switch mid-scene require the scene to end immediately?

 If it’s from an adult to a child, absolutely. If it’s from a child to an adult, I would yellow the scene and check with the adult to see if we can figure out why the child left. Making sure they weren’t scared, hurt, or upset for some reason. 

**You must pay close attention to body language in case of a switch.  If one alter is afraid, it can be a deer in headlights situation**

How do you deal in sub/Dom space?  

B deals with it by cuddling up with one of the spouses. Callie Anne deals with it by becoming a “sad burrito”. She rolls up in a blanket, cuddles with her bunny, uses her paci and watches Disney until she falls asleep. 

Does aftercare and drop look the same for all of them?  Does each alter feel the drop?  Is it only the one in charge?

After care and drop are different for each of the ones that participate.  The alters do feel sleepy when the drop hits and don’t quite understand why. But it is part of the way my brain helps to protect the rest. 

How do you accommodate one alter without hurting another?

It is a long process. There are a lot of discussions involved over many weeks until everyone can come to an agreement. 

Can you safely participate in pickup play as a person with DID?  

In my opinion, the answer is no.  I can do it with my core group, and maybe one or two of our closest friends.  But otherwise I feel it would be unsafe on both parts. 

If the controlling alter does not disclose the DID with their partner, is it a consent violation for the other partner?

ABSOLUTELY!!  It would be the same as not disclosing metal in your body when doing electrical. It should never be done. 

I have found that my journey into kink, and those who participate with me, has been vastly different than the average person.  It is my goal to let you see into my world, so that in the future, if you meet someone like B, you can understand that they can offer you far more than you expect.

DID is surrounded by a stigma that those who have it are incapable of functioning.  That they cannot make lucid decisions and cannot actively consent to their own participation in the world around them.

I understand the trepidation, especially if they are in a D/s dynamic.  As a Dominant, you become responsible for yourself and your submissive.  If they have multiple alters, you become responsible for the well-being of each one.  As a submissive, it can become convoluted if only one has submitted (or if they phase out mid-scene).

Like any mental health issues, it has its own ups and downs that go with it.  There is no shame in choosing not to accept the responsibility of someone with DID.  It will bring nothing but misery if you begrudge someone for being who they are.  

But I wanted to give you a glimpse into our reality.  To let you share in the joy and the frustration that comes with DID and then trying to incorporate Kink into that.  I have learned more patience and understanding since I met Callie Anne, then I ever did in most of my adult life.  

I want the community to be able to have open discussions about kink and mental health.  I want the community to accept that just because our brains are different, we are no less valuable than those without our mental struggles.  I want people to know that we are more than capable to give and withdraw consent at any time. 

Being Kinky with DID is no less fulfilling.  It just means there are always spectators and opinions.

My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

My Kink Journey

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I first got exposed to what I refer to as “my darkness” when I was 16. I was a gymnast on tour in West  Berlin, a real liberal city in those days. Sex shops on every corner it seemed. I purchased a hard-core  porn magazine with straight up kink that included bondage. It also had long essays in the back. I read  and re-read one particular story that aroused me in ways I did not fully understand. It was a story about  a mother-daughter team of geisha girls who serviced their client together. The story described him  torturing the daughter’s breasts by pinching her nipples so hard she screamed while the mother tongue  fucked his ass and stroked his cock. The climax was him fucking the mother’s ass while she ate her  daughter’s pussy, and when he got close, she called out to him to “Hurry up and cum and then piss in  my ass before you lose your hard on.” I stroked my cock to that story thousands of times! I never  understood at the time that my fantasies around that story were really my first look into my own  darkness.  

At 17, I had a much more direct experience that caused me to experience direct arousal. I played footsie  with a girl, K, who sat in front of me in class. She would often masturbate in class while sitting on my  foot. One day she created a disturbance and was brought to the front of the class for punishment. She  got caned. She took her strokes without a word, and then, returning to her desk, she sat on my foot and  had a massive vocal orgasm that the class misunderstood as a cry of anguish. This awakened something  in me, although I’m clear that the glimpse into the darkness, was only a crack in my vanilla shell.  

At age 26 I married the preacher’s kid, and she was pure vanilla in bed. I found myself in my late 20’s  spending time reading the “Back-Page” personals of the local free papers where women and men were  very direct in their seeking posts. This was evident by them inviting hard core kink into their lives. I was  so intrigued and also quite envious. I talked to several of these women and found the conversations  seamless. I was naturally dominant and they soaked up my fantasies. Eventually my growing desire for  kink had me connect with a sub who got turned on by my fantasy about handcuffing her to the park  bench at the local university and using her repeatedly there. She invited me to meet her and to take her  home to give her a hard spanking with a wooden paddle. It was my first experience as a Dom. I saw her a  couple of times.  

Meanwhile, in my vanilla life, when we were packing to move our house, my wife found the toys I had  purchased in a bag that I had placed at the back of a file drawer in the garage. She confronted me right  there in the garage, and so I shared with her what I had done and why. She kink-shamed me and insisted  that I “Get rid of the toys.” I contacted the sub that I had played with and gave her a departing hug as I  handed her the toys I had only ever used in a scene with her. She was tearful at the moment, and  although I never saw her again, we kept in touch and I learned that she had connected with a Dom with  whom she was happy. Even though my wife kink-shamed me, she would ask me to tell her about the  play scenes I had engaged in with other women during our own foreplay. That is not to say that she  approved of me playing with other women. She also made it clear that she wasn’t interested in  exploring her sexuality in kink beyond fantasy. Kink was for other people.  

Over time, my darkness pulled me to seek out a variety of kinky experiences on a slightly more frequent  basis which had the natural impact of my wife and I drifting further and further apart as we became  estranged. Our divorce was the natural result of the space growing between us day-by-day. 

After the marriage was over, I had made the choice to explore the darkness. I was fortunate to  experience a truly kinky existence where I got to do whatever I wanted, with whom I wanted, as much  as I wanted, and as often as I wanted. I got really related to the darkness within, but I found the lack of  intimacy the key driving force in my ongoing search.  

That search led eventually to creating a 24/7 TPE dynamic in relationship with Lady Petra, with whom I  have a sex forward, deeply kinky and truly loving relationship.  

That’s the preamble to my thoughts about the role of kink in forming truly loving relationships.  

Here is the premise. As human beings, sex is one of the most powerful driving motivators of behavior.  It’s also true that sex is one of the primary sources of space between a couple. To put it another way,  conflict about sex causes couples to build distrust which gradually becomes contempt for one another.  Consider that it’s very common to have fantasies about other partners while engaging in sex with your  partner. It was true for me and it was certainly true for my wife as well. When we had sex, I would  always fantasize about my ideal kink scenarios which more often than not were scenes like the one I  read about all those years, or my high school experience watching K get caned, and (this is the important  part) I would never tell my wife about my fantasies. So as time passed, there was more and more space  between us. The less we talked about our deeply held sexual desires, the more inclined I was to seek  satisfaction outside of our marriage. On a gradient, more and more space developed between us. From  10,000 feet up, it was obvious, although in retrospect, the space was not even slightly visible to me at  the moment.  

I know now that as humans we live inside of stories. Stories about sexuality are deeply held self-beliefs.  We create self-talk like: “I am not …. enough” or “I can’t have …” etc. At any given moment, and because  we live inside of a story hidden from our view, we don’t realize that the story is driving the context of  our life. Even as the impacts mount, the reality is hidden from our view. Gaining access to this  information, that those self-beliefs give us context, was key for me to be able to create something new  like the dynamic that I have created with Lady Petra.  

What I have with her, is what we call a created relationship that is sourced in kink. Which means that in  the context of our sexuality we have regular and authentic conversations about what we like, what we  desire, and what we don’t like or want to experience. There is nothing wrong and she can ask or request  anything as can I. She creates me as her Dom, and I create her as my sub. This means that there is quite  literally no space between us that arises from unspoken sexual desire. We also have a commitment to  not allow any space to occur. Unspoken withholds are out of integrity. The result is that we are able to  ongoingly create unimpeded connection. The fact that we allow no space between us and that our  relatedness and connection continues to expand and grow inside of an integrous relationship means  that we get infinitely closer and closer together and it feels like we are one.  

We describe palpable “magnetism” between us. She experiences my energy as much as any other part  of my being. The energy between us pulls us closer together. We experience it as “animal magnetism.”  The sex is ridiculously hot. Its naughty, its kinky, its passionate, its daily.  

So to summarize:  

Having an authentic relationship sourced in kink with both partners in full unconstrained communication  provides an opening for a deeper connection which is self-fulfilling as the couple gets closer and closer 

till the magnetism itself takes over and the couple is drawn together with an unbreakable electro chemical bond.  

In that as kinksters we explore our darkest fantasies in reality, a significant cause of human  inauthenticity is resolved, making the fullness of relationship available.  

The closeness that kink creates, especially in the context of an aligned D/s couple, allows ever deeper  sharing to occur. So closeness creates closeness. It’s the source of our ability to connect energetically.  

Consider that the difference between almost boiling water and actually boiling water creates a change in  state of the water such that instead of just being able to make tea, you can actually move a train. That  same idea is true in relationship. If you are all in with the integrity that kink creates and allows for, the  dynamic can also experience a change in state. One that solidifies a relationship with superglue.  

Kink, practiced correctly, that is to say with integrity and authenticity in the dynamic, causes relationship.  

I wrote this prose recently:  

I have had the experiences of a lifetime  

I have endured the long painful existence of a mostly sexless vanilla marriage  

I have explored being a “fuck-any-slut” Dom  

I have explored polyamory to a degree  

I have been a Bull to hotwives  

I have discovered my true self expression as a Dom and as a Sadist  

I have collared a submissive masochist  

I am living in a 24/7 TPE  

What is so is that I am more fulfilled sexually, emotionally and in relationship that I have ever been in all  my life  

Kink was my access to happiness  

In truth, gratitude is the access to happiness  

Through kink, I found a partner with whom I am truly aligned  

With her I am experiencing love and happiness for the first time in my life  

I am experiencing a state of bliss  

Kink was my access to happiness  

I am grateful for my kinky existence

Saffermaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching, and produce the podcast Kinky Cocktail  Hour which is available in most directories. You can find them on their Patreon Lady Petra Playground or  reach then via email SafferMaster@gmail.com or LadyPetraPlayground@gmail.com. SafferMaster and  Lady Petra are teaching a webinar on DatingKinky.com titled “What’s in Your Kinky Toolbox” which can  be found on the Dating Kinky webinar page.

The Best Impact Implements

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As a vendor of leather goods, I am often asked many questions. We (collectively) do our best to educate and inform everyone who comes to see us in person, regardless of whether or not they plan to purchase. One of the most common ones I hear: What is the best impact implement?

That’s a tough question on a good day.

I’m a heavy thud gal all the way. One of my absolute favorite implements is one that I built that isn’t for sale – a 36″ bat padded with a special high-density foam and covered with leather. It’s a warm-up and a full scene all in one, no need to change implements. I’m happy as a clam. Want something a little smaller? An elk hide flogger is like a massage in my scene and that works just fine for me. This means that my “best” will often involve soft textures. I also happen to have an eye for high quality implements, so the ones I want will likely cost someone a pretty penny.

Are either of those “the best,” though? Isn’t that subjective? Who am I to say what is your best? I may love thud, but I have many friends and acquaintances who are not fans of thuddy impact at all. Some prefer sting, some love whips, and some have some interestingly specific dislikes of floggers due to the impact of many tails at once.

Unfortunately, given the lack of in-person opportunities we’ve had this year, much of the kink shopping in our local community has transitioned to an online model or local sales chat with contactless pickup. The obvious disadvantage is that as a consumer, we are often unable to fully examine our purchases in advance. Not knowing exactly what an item may feel like can discourage a more expensive purchase. Some have simply opted to avoid new purchases entirely after one experience of disappointment.

Rather than avoiding new purchases, education can provide valuable insight about what we intend to purchase to ensure that we are getting exactly what we think we are ordering. This can be very difficult without hands-on, but I will do my best to provide useful information.

Setting General Expectations and Goals for the Purchase

Are you seeking an implement for a specific body part? Implements designed for genital impact are often smaller and lighter than an implement designed for full-body use. If you purchase one of the smaller ones thinking it is for full-body use, you will likely be disappointed even if the item is of good quality and value for its size.

Do you want the tool to leave marks afterwards? Do you want the tool to not leave marks? Unfortunately for those of us who prefer the thud, objects which provide it will often be less likely to leave mementos. To make that particular quest even more challenging, everyone is a little different. What marks one individual may leave only light traces on another, or may fade by morning. If a Maker is guaranteeing an object will leave marks, be wary. Absolutes are always suspect.

What sensations are you seeking in this implement? Are you looking to obtain something soft that can be used sensually, such as things involving rabbit fur or vegan materials? Are you looking for a specific effect from impact? I tend to prefer breaking down the sting / thud generalization into one that is slightly more descriptive. We categorize things by including a light / heavy descriptor, so we identify them as light sting, heavy sting, light thud, heavy thud, and combination sensations. Therefore, if I am shopping for something I want to be hit with, I am going to avoid things which provide a heavy sting, such as heavier paddles or smaller diameter canes made from harder materials (delrin, acrylic, carbon fiber). Softer textures absorb those inertial effects and create more thud. I’d also avoid things with pointy tips, such as floggers tipped to points, cats with pointed tips, dragon tails, etc. Rounded tipped floggers are more my cup of tea, and I will avoid leathers with shinier / smoother finish. Those finishes will generally come across as stingy. I know that is a bit sad for us thud fans, since those pretty finishes may be metallic or patterned and promise lots of sad later.

Matching Expectation to Reality

Knowledge and information are your friends. Learn about the ranges of sensation available in an implement. Floggers tend to be thought of as thuddy in general, though a skilled Maker can build one in any of the sensation ranges I mentioned earlier. Smooth topgrain leather plus thinner falls (3/8″ for example) plus pointed or snake tips equals a stingy flogger that will welt as easily as a more solid cane. An elk hide flogger that has wider falls (5/8″, 3/4″ or wider), a naked topgrain finish, and is finished with rounded tips is going to produce a softer thud. Thus unsurprisingly, heavier, thicker leathers with similar treatments will begin to create heavier thud sensations. Length definitely matters in an impact implement. Longer flogger falls require a harder swing to keep the falls from separating prior to impact, thus transfer more force through the blow. Want one that is less likely to wrap at lower speeds? Look for shorter lengths, such as 15″ falls. Avoid lengths of more than 20″, since those will require more force.

Keep in mind that softer textures and impact surfaces generally produce thud – leather paddle, floggers with lots of falls, rounded edges made of softer more flexible topgrain leathers or of full or split suede. Harder surfaces and textures generally produce sting – canes, dragon tails, smooth paddles made of wood or acrylic, floggers with firmer, stiffer leather or smooth finished topgrain and pointed tips.

Before you buy!

You can learn a great deal about an item from its description. Is the description lacking? The person selling it may be a reseller rather than a Maker. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask questions. If someone can’t or won’t answer, they may not be the right seller for you. If a flogger description indicates that it is 20″ in length, is that 20″ of total length or 20″ of falls? How long is the handle, how wide are the falls and how many does it have? What type of leather is it made from? Do they list the thickness (or weight) of the leather? Do they mention what type of sensation you may experience from the item? Details are your friend. One measurement and the word “soft” in a description which comes in at one sentence long is personally not enough information for me to give informed consent to an item hitting my ass.

Look for key words. Do they advertise “Genuine Leather”? This is often a term used for leather that is made of scrap which is ground and pressed together. It is still technically leather just as plywood is still wood, it is simply a lower quality option. Look for words such as:  split suede – which indicates the bottom layers of hide have been split off; topgrain – which indicates the top layer and will have some type of finish, such as naked (super soft), pebble (textured but flexible); fullgrain – both topgrain and suede split leathers still combined, often thicker than either individually (still variances between animal types); corrected grain – topgrain has had the imperfections sanded off and then has been stamped with a topgrain finish, leaving a less expensive and slightly lower quality product, etc. If you don’t recognize a term, this is a good time to either run a quick google search or reach out to the seller and inquire. When purchasing wooden items, such as paddles, look for the type of wood. You don’t want thinner impact items made from softer woods, like pine or poplar. Hardwoods such as oak, maple, purple heart, and exotics are less likely to break and potentially splinter and cause some unpleasantness for the person receiving impact. The janka hardness scale can be a useful tool. Look for things with a hardness over a thousand, as a general rule.

Is it Artisan made? Is it mass-produced and available for resale on etsy for $20? A $20 flogger may well be worth what is being asked for it, but is much less likely to be tailored for a specific sensation preference, and likely to be made with lower quality materials and workmanship. I tend to advocate purchasing from a builder who is local, or if a local seller is unavailable in your area, from one who handcrafts their implements . Even then, however, levels of skill and workmanship will still vary greatly between craftsmen. If someone has a clear and reasonable understanding of the value of their work, and it is structurally sound, purchasing from them can be a viable option for those looking for implements in lower price ranges rather than from someone whose work may have more flourish and skill but be that much more expensive as a result.

The next thing to look at is workmanship. If the item features a braided handle, is the pattern lined up down the handle? If it has “knotwork,” do all of the parts of the knot seem to be symmetrical? If it has tacks, rivets, or other visible evidence of fastenings, are they lined up in straight lines or is the spacing even? Are they lined up with other parts of the item? Does the hardware appear solid and of good quality? Are edges finished, such as rounding edges on a paddle or burnishing leather edges on a belt, cuffs or a collar? Does stitching appear even?

Do keep in mind that these details do not necessarily indicate a product which is not worth what is being asked for it, or that the item won’t last. Most of those things are cosmetic, though some may be structural. If a paddle has been cut so that the wood grain traverses the handle portion in a perpendicular fashion, this is less stable in a more intense scene than one which has been cut so that the wood grain runs lengthwise down the paddle. If you see spots that appear to be blemishes, do not be afraid to ask for an up-close photo. Most Makers are willing to provide more information and responsible ones are less likely to be willing to sell an item which appears to have questionable structural integrity.

Read reviews of the item if it is one that is available in a standard option, and of the seller prior to purchase. Do reviews indicate that buyers generally received what they expected? Do reviews indicate that the photo was a stock one and the actual item varied greatly in quality?

Look at the photos. Are there close-up photos as well as distance pictures? Is there anything that looks iffy? If you are uncertain, it doesn’t hurt to ask someone who has more experience than you do.

Shop around. Finding a flogger marked at $35 is great, until you look closer and see that it has 10 falls that are each 1/2″ wide (likely that won’t be listed in the description). My super awesome maths skill tells me that’s 5 total inches of leather. If I can buy a different flogger for $45 that clearly lists that it offers 40 falls that are each 1/2″ wide, that’s a much better deal for the price even thought one is more expensive. If you factor in the workmanship and shipping, one may end up being a clear winner when it comes to a long-term investment.

Price point alone does not indicate whether or not a tool is appropriate for you. Not all vendors have a good understanding of how to price their items according to their skill level, labor time and effort, and material costs. This can mean pricing for a given item may range as much as $50 between the low and high end, and the pricing may still seem unevenly distributed across the quality of implements offered at those prices. It may also mean that the same $80 price tag can include a huge variety of offerings when it comes to amount of material, quality of material, and workmanship. Purchasing a less expensive item from a less skilled Maker can absolutely be a viable option as long as it meets your expectations and usage needs for the tool.

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

How To Whip Yourself

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I frequently see questions about how to play by one’s self. In this day and age of plague, it’s particularly important to take care of our own needs. I have always been able to do so, not relying on a partner to give me the pleasures I like most.

This third self-play article will cover an easy impact technique anyone can use with a belt, flogger, and even a short single tail.

First, get a leather belt. If you don’t already have one in your play kit, you can get an inexpensive one from any decent clothing store. Target regularly has them for under twenty dollars. I have found beautifully broken in belts at thrift stores also. They clean up easily enough with soap and water and some shea butter or coconut oil for conditioner.

The length of the belt doesn’t really matter so long as it’s not too long. Something in the 30 to 36 inch range is fine. When folded over, it will be the perfect length.

Standing is a better position so you can swing freely and not smack the bed, chair or sofa. But on your knees on a bed works too.

Start off swinging around your ribs to your back. You may be surprised how much effort is needed to give yourself a good smack. It can be a pretty decent arm workout.

Then over your shoulders. The movies make it look so easy, don’t they?  

Inner thighs are right there. Buttocks, back of thighs. Varying the speed changes up the force of impact.

A broken-in belt is easier than a new one, but a new one will be broken in after a few sessions. A studded belt adds another degree of intensity. Some people I know have liked to use the buckle end rather than the leather in the middle. Give it a try; see if you agree.

A game I have played:

Sit down to watch a show on regular television. Commercial comes on, pick up the belt and beat yourself with it until the show comes back. Sit back, watch the show. Commercial comes on, pick up the belt and beat yourself with it. The resting between lets the endorphins come forward into a delicious high – for me, at least. The high is my goal in the first place.

By the 45 minute mark, commercials created an almost Pavlovian response in me.

You can create your own games, such as “1 strike every time someone on a show says the word “the” or “and”, or says a particular character’s name. Then give yourself that many strikes at the next commercial break, or wait and add them all up when the show is over.

All of these things can be done with a short flogger also. Something fifteen to eighteen inches overall length will do. It needs to be hefty enough that the falls have impact. Too long and too thin is difficult to throw over one’s own shoulder and get the impact desired. Shorter is easier to control and strike where you want.

Guess what? You can use a short whip too! I bought a pair of mini snake whips from Highland Whip Design (Instagram – HighlandWhipDesign; Fetlife — https://fetlife.com/users/7280606) and they can absolutely be used to whip one’s self using the same around the ribs and over the shoulder techniques. In fact, while he was finishing them, I asked him if it would reach well for that and he did it on himself to confirm that, yes, absolutely, these will whip one’s own back.

Between these two how-to articles, you have four different implements you can use almost all over on your body. Start with the flogger for warming up. Move on to the belt and then the wooden spoon. Conclude with the whip for that final sharp sting. Hours of self-play are at your fingertips. 

If you aren’t too hard on yourself, you can do this every day if you want.

——–

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over 25 fiction books.

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/

Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

How To Use A Wooden Spoon On Yourself

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I frequently see questions about how to play by one’s self. In this day and age of plague, it’s particularly important to take care of our own needs. I have always been able to do so, not relying on a partner to give me the pleasures I like most.

This second self-play article will cover an easy impact technique anyone can use. 

First, get a wooden spoon from the kitchen if you don’t already have one in your play kit. 

Sitting upright is easiest for reaching most of the body. Start wherever you like. I’ll describe an easy sequence that starts with the inner thighs.

Experiment with how to hold the spoon. Tight isn’t always the most advantageous. If you hold it loosely and allow the spoon to swing an arc of several inches, you’ll get more pain out of its inertia than the strength of your arm.

I don’t do one hard whap at a time. I let it swing and strike over and over and over, rapidly but with moderate force. This builds up the stinging sensation. When I get a hit that is at my upper range, I move to the other thigh. 

Ranging to the outside of the thigh changes the sensation significantly. The outer is used to be rubbed against clothing. The inner is more sensitive.

Moving up the belly, yes you can strike on the belly. You’re not going to hit hard enough to do any damage. Up to the breasts/pectorals. Men may find they really enjoy impact to the chest.

You can reach over your shoulders as well, to your upper back. Leaning to one side, you can strike your own buttocks and down the length of the back of your thigh. Lean the other direction to get the other side.

You can turn the spoon around and hold the scoop and use the stick end to strike. This changes both the impact sensation and the concentration of pain.

If you find yourself aroused, get a dildo or jack yourself as you would during any other masturbatory session.

I’ve given myself quite a lot of pain stimulation. A great deal of pleasure. I’ve almost never given myself bruises. Bruises have never been the point of my self-play. Any redness has always been gone within a couple hours.

Self-play isn’t necessarily about getting your extreme pain needs met. To me, it’s about obtaining my perfect level of pleasure; getting myself off; satisfying my immediate arousal.

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over 25 fiction books.

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/

Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Avoid The Kink Holiday Push

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Winter time is coming. The weather is slowly beginning to change and the desire to pair up is seeping into the minds of many. As we enter Autumn, the pull towards developing new relationships continues to grow but in the time of Covid, there is a major barrier to creating those winter time pairings. Further, for those in the kink world, finding not only a partner but a kinky partner can make things even more challenging. 

Navigating dating as a kinky person can be quite difficult. Between the limited resources available to find quality kinky partners to the frequent fetishizing of kinky folks, it can be hard to find serious connections that can grow into long term relationships. In fact, it can even be a struggle to find something casual. It is important when pursuing new relationships, especially those that are kinky, to take your time, pay attention to red flags, and never lower your standards. 

Do not lower your standards

I cannot stress enough how important it is to remain dedicated to the standards that you have set for yourself. When we are in a clear head space, it is much easier to reflect on the type of partner that we may want but often, in times when we are eager to partner up, we may pair with someone who may not be suitable for our needs. To remain diligently committed to the standards that have been set for ourselves can be a challenge, however it will likely increase the opportunity to find a partner who is a better match. 

Do not rush

It is easy to approach this season with the feeling that a relationship must begin immediately. The desire to pair up is often influenced by loneliness which in turn creates feelings of discomfort and distress. It is important not to let those feelings inform the decisions that are being made when trying to pair up. Rushing into relationships often leads folks to miss red flags that may have otherwise come up if more time was taken. While finding an excellent partner may happen early in the dating process, it can be helpful to slow down and take your time as you go forth with getting to know that person and potentially committing yourself to them. 

Do not ignore red flags

One of the riskiest things folks can do when beginning a new relationship is ignore red flags. This is even more dangerous when the relationships have a kink component. Red flags are meant to warn us from potential risk and it is easy to overlook those risks when the desire to be in a relationship is overwhelming. Looking at our past experiences can allow us to recognize where there have been errors in our judgement. Perhaps we saw a trait that we convinced ourselves we could get used to when in reality, it should have been a deal breaker. As people approach this cuffing season, it will be helpful to not attach to someone who exhibits traits that we deem toxic or unhealthy for our well being. 

The dating process may seem daunting but it is possible, even in these unusual times, to find a partner or partners who can make this winter even more cozy. Overall, looking at relationships with an open mind and approaching slowly and cautiously may allow for stronger and more healthy connections to be made. So this fall, as you approach the season of connection, remember that cuffing, whether emotionally or physically, requires diligence, patience and hopefully a bit of fun. 

Elyssa Rice is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in the Kink and Alternative Lifestyle community. She is a writer, lecturer and advocate for sexual empowerment and sexual freedom. She has a private practice in Los Angeles, CA and is dedicated to shifting the narrative about both the mental health and Kink community.

Simple Ideas for Playing with Male Bottoms

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Creativity is one of the most important attributes I’ve seen common among sadists.

A checklist is great, but it doesn’t tell you how to actually DO things. When you’re new, the how of doing things is very important. First and foremost, the bottom and I go over my toy kit and *theirs*. We both agree on and set out items we want to use. One of the bottoms I play with sets out his items and understands that I will use what I choose to use.

What to do and how to do it:

Using the Leash for things OTHER than leading him around — The loop end of a leash can be used as very simple cock bondage, especially once he’s hard. Give it a tug whenever you want. A fabric leash can be pulled up a few inches and put into his mouth.

Tie the dick up with rope and attach a chain leash from collar to cock. Tap on the chain with a hard cane or wooden spoon. Slide a cane up and down it to send vibrations through the chain. Pull the chain up and to the side to position the cock however you want to move it out of the way when whipping the thighs with a quirt.

Wartenberg Wheels — I’ve found I’m very good with wartenberg wheels. Most people might use them for a few seconds and move on to something else. I turn them into a half hour scene in and of themselves.  I run those things all over the body. Up and down the undersides of his arms (including armpits), over the shoulders, around the neck, down his sides, around his back/thighs/buttocks, and eventually over his cock and balls, down the inner thighs. Everywhere I can reach. I almost always use one in each hand, mirroring each other as they roll, and going into the more sensitive areas after he’s been warmed up for a few minutes.

If he likes clamps on the nipples, I’ll attach them after ten or fifteen minutes and run the wheels around his pectorals. 

Clamps with weights — I do this very gently. Just buy 2oz, 4 oz (etc) sinkers from a tackle shop and S hooks to put on them. They hook very easily over clover clamps or the finger loops of forceps style clamps. Some like to have the clamps tapped. Gentle is enough. Minute increases in pain can be HUGE on the receiving end. People watching don’t think I’m doing much, but the bottom is all but dancing on his toes for me.

Clothespins can go anywhere on the body that you can pull up a pinch of skin. You don’t need to smack them off. I don’t do that unless it’s a special request of the bottom. Line up along the pectorals on both sides of the areola, leaving the nipples free. Tug, twist, tap to your heart’s content. Tap with the handle of a wooden spoon. Tease the nipples. Play them like a xylophone. lol When you take them off, the pec is then hyper-sensitive to do all those other things I mentioned.

Ball Gags – I don’t usually use them, as I want very clear communication during play. However, if a guy is making facial expressions I don’t care for, wagging his tongue out, or saying words I don’t want to hear, I will pick up his ball gag and plop it into his mouth. There’s no need to engage the buckle. I expect he understands that he’s to keep it in his mouth until I remove it.

Finger Nubbies – Anyone who’s worked in an office with lots of paper has seen little rubber finger tips for friction when sorting through paper. They are fantastic sensation toys, and don’t cost a lot. Put one on an index finger and thumb and you have a new way to tease and pinch.

Extra Hands – When I’ve got a guy cuffed to the X, I at once have an extra pair of hands to hold things for me. I’ll give him a flogger to hold until I need it, or the wartenberg wheels. It makes for a humorous visual for the people watching, and keeps him present. He can’t go completely into his own head because he has to keep enough focus to hold onto the object.

Cock and ball torture — Quantify what he means by CBT. Saying he doesn’t like it doesn’t explain what he doesn’t like. What is it that he doesn’t like? Grabbing and twisting? Okay. Don’t twist his dick.  It’s as simple as that.

Pelvic Caning — Every dude who has agreed to have his cock/pelvic region caned has liked what I do. I don’t need to hit hard to get reactions…and those reactions are fairly obvious. I’ve not caned one to ejaculation yet, but a couple have gotten close. Mild tap tap tapping up and down the length of a flaccid cock quickly leads to an erection. I have a black cane that is fairly stiff but still a bit flexible. It bounces off the surface and isn’t as brutal as my fiberglass rods. I use a short motion with my hand, aiming for the surface and without follow-through. Don’t swing like you’re chopping down a tree. You’re not going for maximum impact, but surface sting and thud. He’s going to have bruising and will need to piss in the coming days, so less is more.

I whap a little harder on the meat of the area just above the cock. Front of the thighs, including the penis as it hangs, and you may find him leaning back to assist in getting the angle and strike zone he likes best. 

I like to include the inner thighs as well, and the scrotum. Front or back doesn’t make much difference to me. Moderate whapping back and forth from thigh to thigh, zinging across the very bottom of the scrotum in the process, has been a favorite with the men. It gives them the sting and burn of an inner thigh caning with the surprise impact to the balls in both directions. 

Don’t be too relentless, however. Five or six up strokes up high, then move the cane down or move to a different area entirely.

If the back is facing you — I’ve told each of them that if they stick it out, I’m gonna hit it. Every man at once angled himself to better present his balls. You can strike across both thighs and the scrotum at the same time. Again, don’t swing like you’re chopping down a tree. You don’t want to rupture a testicle.

Managing the Bottom – One of the most important aspects of play is knowing when to back off a moment and let the bottom catch his breath. You can’t go intense intense intense every second. Varying sensations between mild and intense, back to mild, up to moderate, down to mild, up to intense creates a rollercoaster ride of pleasures. Know when to pause for a moment and give him (and yourself) a drink. A scene including everything from above will easily last an hour or more. Pause two or three times for a drink and a breath. I always stop before they’re completely spent. Leave them wanting more rather than regretting going one minute too long.

Station Clean Up — I don’t play in private, so this is all happening at a party. One of us wipes down the station he was attached to. If he’s got some wits about him, he does it. If he’s too zonked, I do it. I clean and put away my stuff while he cleans and puts away his stuff, or puts away his stuff for later cleaning. Whatever. It’s his kit. 

What about aftercare??? – I know, right? I totally worked hard. I deserve some after care. First, I’m going to sit and watch him attempt to put his clothes on. It’s most entertaining and satisfying, watching a grown man rendered down to a puddle of endorphic goo, incapable of dressing himself. It’s the best part.

Then I’ll tell him to give me a shoulder and arm massage. If we’re at a sex/SM combo party, I’ll go get laid with some other guy. I don’t have sex with the bottoms I play with.

I’ll follow up with Tylenol through the next day, and a nice warm shower, to ease sore muscles.

The bottom will do whatever it is that he does after he gets home. I’m sure masturbation will be part of his routine, but I could be wrong. I won’t be there for any of it.

What other people choose to do when they are finished is between them.

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written three “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over 25 fiction books.

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

How To Make Money As A Submissive

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Contrary to popular belief, being a submissive is quite liberating and empowering. I’m a natural sub myself — I find it oddly invigorating to give away control of my body to a tyrannical dominant. As such, I enjoy being told or sometimes forced to do stuff in the bedroom and getting spanked occasionally for my indiscretions. 

At first I thought it was weird that I was comfortable with pain, humiliation, and being generally pushed around in the bedroom. After a deep search on the internet, I met an entire community of individuals that fancied BDSM as much as I did.

A Fetish Like Any Other

After lengthy research, it was clear that submission is a legitimate fetish worth exploring. This realization further fuelled my curiosity; I needed to learn more and perhaps get in touch with this new side of myself. The internet is a great place to start, as there are a lot of resources on the subject. 

Some portray submission as some kind of lame fetish that only appeals to the weak. Note that a lot of the information you’re likely to come across is people’s personal opinion on the subject. Look for something positive, testimonies of other subs living the dream. I found plenty of those myself, and they helped fashion the submissive I am today.  

There’s Always a Way out for When Things Get Intense

Every submissive gets to decide the limits they are willing to go to. There’s always a safe word for when things get a little out of hand. Not even your master can ignore the safe word. It is a signal that they are going past your breaking point and they should stop. A dom that ignores the safe word is a sex criminal, an abuser that should never be a dom.

Learning the Ropes

Moving on, my little research got me hooked. I attended a couple of porn conventions, took my first trip to popular sex and fetish clubs, and in no time I was speaking the language of submission. This was still not enough. I needed to belong, and practice seemed like the next logical move. I met a guy at one of the joints I frequented who eventually showed me the ropes. 

First Rodeo

Of course, we went out for a couple of weeks before my first rodeo. I trusted him. He knew I was a novice that hopelessly wanted in. He promised to go easy on me, and that’s exactly what he did.  My first session was still intense, but nothing I wasn’t expecting. I went home with bruised butt cheeks that evening, and I was proud of myself. I had finally done it, and from that moment it was clear to me that was exactly what I wanted for myself.

Our D/s relationship went on for a couple of months during which I continued learning. I tried dominating a couple of times, but it just wasn’t my thing. My sense of authority never intimidated anyone. Submission turned me on and I was going to stick to my lane. 

During my late-night visits to the dark corners of the internet, I learned that I could actually make money off submission. I was still in college and the idea of earning some extra bucks in my free time seemed enticing. For me, this was literally getting paid to have fun!

At the Dungeon

I applied to work at one of the dungeons my then-boyfriend had introduced me to. I was a regular, so it wasn’t hard getting in. To the uninitiated — remember Christian Grey’s playroom in the legendary Fifty Shades of Grey where Anastasia had to learn submission? Well, that is a private sex dungeon. It is typically a room with all the toys for doms and subs to engage in their kinks safely.

A dungeon has all the basic furniture and tools for bondage, like spanking benches, whips, and beds equipped with cuffs among other relevant toys. In my case, I worked at a commercial sex dungeon where we played pretend for paying clients. I was there for about six months before I considered exploring other avenues that would reward my services handsomely. I found dozens of other lucrative gigs for subs, some that I am going to discuss in this article.

It’s been a couple of years since I made my debut as a professional submissive, and I can assure you that it never feels like work. I guess the cliché ‘do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life’ is true after all! What you need to understand, however, is that not everyone is cut out for this line of work. Sorry, but you can’t fake it till you make it around here.

Everything should come naturally to you — you should never struggle with the thought of relinquishing control to someone else. You need to be discerning, have an open mind, and be a sucker for intimacy — a hopeless romantic if you will!

If you believe that you are a good submissive, then you might as well get paid for it. 

Here are five ways you can make money as a submissive:

  1. Submissive In a Public Dungeon

I can personally relate to this gig given it was my first job as a submissive. There’s always a dungeon hiring somewhere. The rates vary from one dungeon to another, but clients always pay hourly rates. There are strict ground rules doms have to adhere to in a public dungeon. It is always scary to work with strangers, but the thought that the dungeon is a controlled environment offers some sort of relief. 

The good thing about being a submissive at a commercial dungeon is the guarantee of getting clients. The dungeon does the marketing on your behalf, and you only have to show up to work. If you like a routine job, working at a dungeon can be the perfect fit. Don’t worry about experience; some dungeons are willing to train newbies upon hiring.

  1. Freelance Submissive

My busy schedule at the dungeon and school took a toll on my relationship eventually. After I parted ways with my boyfriend, I ventured into freelancing. I had the experience, plus I was now more tolerable to things I never thought I’d be comfortable with. 

My first clients as a freelancer were some of my regulars from the dungeon. They invited me to their private dungeons and paid me hourly. I was making more money as a freelancer compared to when I worked at the dungeon. It was also easier to meet new friends, doms, and other subs that way.

I even had my first threesomes — both FFM and MMF — as a freelance submissive. I determined my own rates, working hours, and where I wanted to work from. All I needed to make more money was to put in more hours and sometimes charge special rates for certain acts. 

Being my own boss was great, but it had its challenges too. It meant that I was now in charge of my own safety. I made sure I met a new client at a neutral public place first before doing anything. Even then, I would text a friend their phone number and address just in case I ended up in a real dungeon. But the scariest of all was working with an amateur. Inexperienced doms can be reckless and even seriously hurt you. It’s always important to find out if they are amateurs so you know how to handle them. 

  1. Live Stream Shows 

Like webcam models, subs can also set up online profiles and thrill a live audience with D/s shows. You can create your own site, market your services to prospective clients, or work for an existing camming platform. 

The good thing about the latter arrangement is that the site does the marketing on your behalf, and in return you get to split the proceeds from your live shows. Again, payment varies from hourly rates to gifts and donations from clients. Doing live stream shows is safer and helps you reach a wider audience.

  1. Phone Sex Operator

Yes, that’s actually a thing! A phone sex operator doesn’t have to do much considering no one is looking. You’ll need a sultry voice and an understanding of the lingo. Creativity is not optional at all since you’ll be depending on it to keep the sessions lively. You have to be one hell of a performer to pull off an erotic phone sex session. 

You’ll be taking commands like you are in a real-life dungeon. When they spank you, act hurt. Scream; beg them to go easy on you — make your dom feel like they have total control. Keep them on the phone for a long time, and you’ll make good money.

  1. Submissive Escort

You can market yourself as a professional submissive offering escort services. Some doms prefer private sessions at their place or hotels rather than visiting public dungeons. You can begin by joining an escort agency; split your spoils with them while you gain experience and make a name for yourself.

Personal Experience 

As you might have noticed, I enjoy working as a freelance submissive. The freedom to create my own schedule; choose my clients, venue, and set the rates is everything I ever wanted since I set foot in the game. I have encountered all kinds of clients over the years and participated in fulfilling some of the weirdest BDSM fantasies imaginable. 

Before anything, most doms like to know your limits. They’ll ask you beforehand about the things they should never try on you, and those you are dying to experience. That way the session can be mutually enjoyable. 

Yes, I Turned Him Down

I once met this client that wanted me to indulge his scat fetish in a D/s play. He was willing to double my regular fee; unfortunately I wasn’t comfortable with it so we parted ways. But one experience I fondly remember is this couple that booked me for a threesome in my first months as a freelance sub. We met for dinner to discuss the terms before heading to their place.  

Private Dungeon

They had a dungeon right next to their bedroom (I found it cute; it meant I was dealing with experts). One could tell an expert from how they flogged you. The husband was doing the whipping in this case, and he did it with expert precision. They tied my hands and ankles, and the wife was going down on me neutralizing every ounce of pain the whip brought. 

This particular session really pushed my limits. It involved melting candles, knives, hair pulling, spanking, verbal humiliation among several other kinks I hadn’t tried before. I gave them one hell of a show, and they never disappointed either. We set up another meeting, and we’ve been close ever since. 

What the Future Holds

Freelancing has been more profitable compared to any of my previous gigs. For a while now I think I’m stagnating in terms of earnings. I’ve been relying on my regulars and a few referrals, and I believe it’s time I begin marketing my services aggressively. For starters, I’m setting up a website to advertise what I do. I’ll recruit a few other subs, market them and earn a commission from every client I hook them up with. My prospect list is going to surge, which means more money. If this goes well, I may even resign gracefully and earn from my recruits like a boss. 

Conclusion

As you’ve learned, there’s always an avenue for a submissive to make money. Working at a dungeon opened my eyes to new opportunities. It gave me the exposure I much needed to try out new ventures. 

Live stream shows can be exciting and profitable, especially if you land a generous audience. There’s stiff competition in live streaming, so your unique performance will set you apart. 

Working as a sex phone operator is the easiest gig for a submissive. You only need a convincing voice to stay in business. It is also safe since there is no physical interaction. 

An escort on the other hand can make more money than a phone sex operator and a submissive at the dungeon. However, this job comes with certain obvious safety risks involving dealing with strangers. If you find ways to mitigate those risks, working as an escort can be the best gig you’ll ever have as a submissive.

I’ve tried nearly all of these jobs, but I’ve been more inclined to work as a freelance submissive after making a name for myself in the dungeon. 

Experience is crucial if you want to make good money as a submissive. Inexperience can be a turn off for some clients, although others might be attracted to the innocence that comes with it. Before diving to the deep end of freelancing, I suggest you get a job in a controlled environment as I did with the dungeon gig. Start with light bondage as your tolerance for pain and curiosity to try more advanced moves grow.

My name is Marina and I’m an adult writer with a background in digital marketing. Being a woman in the adult business world I also thrive to help people make it within this industry since it can be so competitive. I write about fetishes, different adult businesses and all kinds of tips & tricks that could help someone take a step forward.