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BDSM And Personal Discovery

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Some of us, one could argue both the lucky and the unlucky ones, knew we wanted something other than the vanilla heteronormative relationships that society in the 80’s and 90’s tried to condition is to want. Lucky because it is easier to find something when you know you’re looking for it; unlucky because you’d be surprised how many people want nothing to do with someone questioning and experimenting with their own sexuality. Perhaps my experiences would have been different today, but I can only embrace that which is mine and move forward with that knowlege.

Had I desired that vanilla heteronormativity, I’d have had lots of opportunities to figure myself out in middle and high school. Unfortunately, instead my late middle school and high school years are a jumble of memories of cuddling with females and being too afraid to take that next step for fear of rejection, and dark porn, clearly staged, badly acted, and a foundation for some sexual imprinting. For those of use who want bondage or any kind of same sex relationships, we don’t have those same opportunities to explore. That’s why the jokes about lesbians not knowing if they are being hit on and awkward bisexuals exist. We lack that early practice and have to stumble through the finding ourselves part while trying to have adult relationships. That’s a lot of pressure all at once.

The same goes for kink. We don’t have shibari opportunities in high school to figure out what works for us. So we all just do the best that we can and figure things out along the way as we figure them out. We are all on our own timelines. Some of us don’t discover that the things we like are not “normal” until someone slaps us in the face with that information. Maybe literally, who knows?

So what does that mean for the questing adult who has tripped over kink rather than sought it out? I have wondered lately how to explain what we do to someone without the foundation I assume people have when they seek us out. I suppose I would start this way:

Kink is many things to many people. It is not up to me to decide how an individual defines that for themself. It is not for me to judge provided the desired activity is consented to by and with a human of legal age who is capable of giving consent, and does not have the purpose of doing lasting harm, rather than fleeting hurt.

I would tell them kink can absolutely be sexual, but that it doesn’t have to be. Sure, threesomes are probably classified in there somewhere as kink, but when the umbrella encompasses so much variety and many different viewpoints, often times sex can take a backseat to pain, even if that pain has sexual connotations or elements to the people engaging in its practice.

I would tell them to find something that appeals to them, and then to seek out more information. Read books, browse fet, find local people and have conversations. Though it can be difficult, try not to find us scary or intimidating. We’re just normal people who happen to have bonded over a common interest. With some it’s video games or comic books, sports, or food. With us, we bond over kink. It’s easy enough to fit right in.

Above all, I would tell them to ask questions. It’s okay not to know everything. Our honesty is our strength. Everyone won’t know everything., and it is okay not to know this.

Most of all, I would suggest finding someone trustworthy to show them the rules. We see consent very differently from the whole of mainstream society. Sadly. It shouldn’t be different, yet the kink community’s views on consent are so much more empowering than the old rules I was raised with. Even with those differences, missteps are easy. Having a guide can make a huge difference.

Be open to new experience. Every day is a gift when we accept what is coming.

The Power Of Choice In Power Exchange

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Submission is a choice.  Every aspect of the power we hand over to another individual is a daisy chain of choices.  I have always been transparent about the struggles I had in learning how to make those choices.

I chose to offer Him my submission and He rejected me.

I chose to offer it a second time and He took me under consideration.

I chose when to kneel.  I chose when to call Him Sir and once again when to call Him Master. I chose when to crawl.  

And I chose when to finally let go.

As I write this, I understand that to the naked eye, it seems as though I had all the power.  And we all know how I feel about that saying.  

What I am trying to do is highlight the slow decent into complete acceptance.  He has a considerable amount of patience.  He pushed me by setting His expectations a notch higher than I thought I could achieve. 

Every. Single. Time.

By turning me down, He verified I had an honest desire to serve Him and the determination to address things that make me uncomfortable.

By letting me kneel at my pace, He could see that understanding dawn in my eyes when I finally accepted the desires I spoke about.

By allowing me to choose how to address Him, He guaranteed my service was sincere and natural.

By waiting for me to crawl, He watched me finally comprehend that my discomfort is secondary to His pleasure.

In a profoundly silent style, He taught me how to sink into my submission and wrap it around me like a warm cloak of spirituality.

Each of these led to my final choice: to offer Him a Total Power Exchange.  He would (and does) own my body, my mind, and my soul.  At this point in O/our dynamic, my limits are His limits.  

Now, the reason I am laying this out, is because you need to understand the building blocks of our dynamic before I tell you the final step of His “training” process.

Once I reached the point of complete acceptance, He pointed out the most important part of what I had learned.  I had learned to anticipate His needs, and, by default, my own.  During my efforts to figure out my own wants and needs, I had started subconsciously seeking his approval.  I had, without realizing it, had taken the service aspect to heart.  My happiness came from my ability to make His life easier.  It was (and still is) my mission to recognize and provide everything He desires without Him ever saying a word.

Only once I reached the point of anticipating His thoughts (as much as submissive can anticipate the thoughts of a Sadist) were we able to delve into O/our favorite part of BDSM.

Now the fun part.

I am going to ask you to define Mental Bondage.

I know, without ever hearing the answers, that each of you gave me a different definition.

Here’s why:

If you type Mental Bondage into Google (without any other code words), you will get two types of answers.  The first is religious.  They refer to mental bondage as the inability to see, feel, or understand the spirit of God. The second is a warning against domestic abuse.  Mental bondage, in that capacity, refers to the inability to break the cycle of abuse and recognize the trauma being experienced.

If those aren’t vastly different ends of the spectrum, I don’t know what is.

If you change your search to “BDSM Mental Bondage,” the answers move to kink related themes. 

1) The first answer is sexual hypnosis.  Sexual Hypnosis, also called Erotic Hypnosis, is the use of hypnosis to elicit a particular set of sexual or sensual responses.  It can be used to force orgasms, increase sensitivity to touch, or implement trigger words that can sink someone into sub space.  While it is not my kink (mostly because attempted hypnosis just triggers my narcolepsy), I did take a class on it at one time out of curiosity.  For those who can use hypnosis in (or as) their kink, it is amazing to see the sensuality of it.  I have a friend who partakes, and she keeps her trigger word private because it will turn her extremely primal.  I was able to watch her play with Master one time where she wanted to have her word used in conjunction with electricity.  It was…quite the scene.

2) The second answer you will see is a reference to positional training.  This most often references the Gorean slave positions or submissive training poses.  I make the distinction between these because while some of the poses overlap, they are two separate sets of positions and commands to learn.  There are three common languages used to give the commands.  The first is English, and most commonly coincides with submissive training poses.  The second is German, akin to the same words used to train dogs (and I may or may not have managed to surprise Master when I responded to them).  I have seen this one used in more High Protocol settings, and more often used with slaves.  The last is the common tongue of Gor.  These are the terms (and definitions) outlined in the Gor Series (written by John Norman).  These books are the foundations of the Gorean lifestyle.

The reason positional training falls under Mental Bondage is because the learning of these positions becomes second nature to the submissive and often can sink them into a particular mindset, depending on the position used.  This is especially true with the Gorean positions.  For example, the position “Bracelets” is used to put slave bracelets on so the slave may be chained.  “Leasha (Leash)” is the position used to attach a leash to the slave.  

If you have been in either of those positions (formally or just in play), they are vastly different mindsets.

3) The third most common answer revolves around 24/7 dynamics.  It is the commitment of a submissive to the rules laid out by their Dominant.  Think about it.  Do your rules dictate what you eat, what you wear, or what you can say?  Are you required to answer questions with a particular honorific or in a certain way?  

All of these are forms of mental bondage.  You are bound to a strict set of expectation that you are only released from at your Dominant’s discretion.  It is an invisible version of bondage.  It is much like being bound with rope and only being freed once your Dominant desires it.

While there are quite a few other definitions, the ones listed above are the most commonly agreed upon within the vast online BDSM community.

Then there is U/us.

While we do use aspects of the previous mentioned definitions, we have developed O/our own version of Mental Bondage.

Mental Bondage, in my experience, is the adherence to protocols, orders, and positions that have only been anticipated (and never verbally directed) with the expectation of correction if the submissive is wrong.

Sounds scary, huh?

To me, it sounds deliciously fearsome.  Which is why Mental Bondage is my kink.

O/our version of Mental Bondage does have a component of Consensual Non-Consent (CNC).  The expectations laid upon me change each time we play. As mentioned, many times before, I do not know what is going to happen until it happens.  

One example of Mental Bondage is “the waiting game.”

When Master has decided it is time to scene, I am sent down to my room to wait for Him.  He never states how I am to wait.  The only consistent is the fact that I kneel.  Sometimes I am naked and other times I am dressed.  Sometimes I am in Nadu pose.  Other times I kneel at the edge of the bed, my forehead to the mattress, my arms extended out above my head.  The pose depends on what I have anticipated He wants me to do.  

Unfortunately for me, W/we like to combine Mental Fuckery and Mental Bondage, so I am only right about 20% of the time.

Another one of Master’s favorite expressions of mental bondage occurs during impact play.  Sadomasochism is a heavy part of our play.  This means that we play for short amounts of time at a high intensity with little warm-up or cool down.  I have been bucked off a spanking bench and a barrel from the force of the impact.  

Do you know what happens when I break position?

I pick myself up and move back into position.  He never breaks posture, nor does He speak.  He knows that once I am in a position, I will hold it until His direction changes.  He expects me to hold myself in a way where He can reach as much of my body as physically possible.  

While He refuses to admit to me that He enjoys watching me struggle, I can see it clearly on His face.  Watching my legs tremble beneath me, hearing me sob as I try to continually hold my body against the force of impact, and ultimately watching me collapse brings a sinister grin to His face.

Rope has been used only one time during the length of O/our dynamic.  Metal cuffs have been used three times, and I can count the number of times my leather cuffs have been used on one hand.  Outside of those instances, all of the bondage I am subjected to is mental.

In my experience, Mental Bondage brings me a sense of accomplishment.  Knowing that I am pushing my body to the edge to hold a position for longer periods of time, simply because He wants me to, is rewarding.  

It also gives me a focus point.  Master does not like to keep the same rhythm during play.  Doing so would allow me to push out the pain.  He wants me to feel it, to experience it in the moment, and to push through it.  Repetitive motion, like a flogging, can allow a submissive to sink into a meditative state to push their pain threshold.  He expects me to push through it through an active choice to continue (through the withholding of my safeword).

I have the choice to put myself back into position.

I have the choice to stop experiencing the pain and the pleasure.

I even have the choice to break the invisible hold of mental bondage by using my safeword.

After all, there is nothing physically stopping me.

It is my honor as a submissive that bound me to Master.  It is my desire to serve and please Him.  It comes down to the moment I gave Him power over me.  

The moment I gave Him my power to choose.

The Breeding Fetish

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Over the years, I have become less conservative in exploring my interests.  When I started out, I was very shy.  I had all these different interests, and I was convinced that there was no way my partner would understand.  So, I stuck to what I considered “standard” kinks.  Since getting with Master, I have found the freedom to explore anything that comes to mind.

So, I thought I would share one of them with you.

One of the kinks I kept hidden, for many years, was Breeding.

Traditionally, a breeding kink involves a Dominant male having intercourse with a submissive female with the full intent of impregnation. This generally means sex without protection and an intentional exchange of body fluids.  It is considered a riskier kink (though not edge play) because bareback sex can increase your chances of a Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI).

It can also increase the chances of a yeast infection or PH imbalance.  The vagina is generally considered acidic and should have a PH level of 3.8-4.5.  However, sperm need a PH level of 7-8.5 to thrive.  During unprotected sex, the vagina’s PH level will rise to accommodate the sperm, optimizing the chance of impregnation.  

Sounds great, right?

Well, it can be.  But for some of us, the ph level struggles to go back down afterward.  An acidic environment (with the PH of 3.8-4.5) is naturally protective.  Having an imbalance can promote the growth of bacteria and lead to several different types of medical issues (i.e. Bacterial Vaginosis or Yeast Infection).  So, my personal PSA is to consult a doctor if you notice things do not feel right after unprotected sex.  Stay healthy and optimize your kink.

Alright.  Now we can get back to the fun stuff.

Breeding, over the last couple decades, has expanded in its definition. Let’s go over some different ways to enjoy your kink.

Role Play: 

There are a few ways that role play can be incorporated. 

  1. Cross-Gendered Role play

Due to the expansion of role play aspects in this kink, there is less focus on the gender of those involved as well.  For female/female partners, the use of a strap-on can simulate the action of breeding.  There are dildos that have tubing in the center to simulate ejaculation.  For male/male partners, the incorporation of other kinks, such as sissification, can make the fantasy of impregnation more realistic.

  1. Breeding with Birth Control

For some individuals, having a resulting pregnancy is not part of their kink.  This could be due to medical factors, financial reasons, or already having children.  As such, the use of birth control can help mitigate the chances of pregnancy.  As with anything, I recommend talking to a licensed professional to find the best option possible for you.  I also recommend researching everything for yourself.  As several individuals in my family learned, the pill form of birth control actually made them more fertile.  For me, I have an implant in my arm.  It lasts 3 years, has minimal side effects, and I am not allergic to it.  While the chance of me getting pregnant is under 1 percent, the use of birth control is a secondary preventative measure. 

  1. Animal play

Animal play is an umbrella term for when one partner acts as an animal and one acts as a handler.  Most often, breeding often uses role play of actual “bred” animals.  While hudogs (i.e. human dogs) are occasionally seen, it is almost always farm animal role play.  Hucows (Human Cows) are the most common.  A hucow is defined as a “submissive woman who is into lactation (whether voluntarily being milked or forced lactation) and/or breeding (forced insemination).  The breeding aspect is a newer addition to the Hucow kink.  

You can also add objectification to this type of play.  An example of this is putting a burlap bag over the “animal’s” head (which could even be labeled with “Breed Me” or other more derogatory sayings) so that the receiver becomes nothing more than a breeding machine or potential incubator.

**Animal play also gives an opportunity to play with artificial insemination as a form of breeding**

  1. Consent Non-Consent:

Consent Non-Consent (CNC) is another umbrella term.  It is often equated to “rape play.”  I do not use that term for two reasons. The first is because CNC has so many different avenues of expression.  Second, consent is paramount in our community.  Rape does not involve consent in any form, and I feel that it needs to keep its own definition (and implications) without convoluting consensual play.

The definition I prefer to use is “[play] between two (or more) consenting adults where one of them does unpleasant or harmful seeming things to the other, who looks as if they’re not enjoying it, or not consenting.”

Breeding can be incorporated into almost any CNC scenario that you can dream up. All the scenarios I am about to list reference “role play scenarios” in which all parties have consented to the activities involved. 

  • Blackmailing a co-worker, Boss/secretary dubious consent, Headmaster/student
  • Hypnosis/Mind Control
  • kidnapping, home invasion
  • Gang Bang

It is also important to me that CNC can also be a relationship type.  It is most often referred to as a Total Power Exchange (TPE).  I have talked previously about my relationship with Master.  He has blanket consent to do as he pleases.  He allows me the option of a safe word, just in case.  However, I never know what is going to happen or when.  I do not negotiate our scenes.  That means that every time we play, it falls under CNC.    I can scream, cry, say no or stop repeatedly but the only thing that will stop the scene is the word “red.”

As I have explored Breeding more and more, the only real consistent “requirement” is sex without a condom.  Everything else is up to the individual people involved and as broad as their imagination.

I find Breeding is a kink that many still find themselves shy to talk about.  I have seen it kink shamed on more than one occasion.  If I have learned anything in the last 15 years, it is that there is no shame in kink if consent is paramount.  Never let someone tell you what you can and cannot enjoy in your dynamic.

Queen vs. Warden

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

Today, I’d like to address a subject that’s been mentioned in passing in a few of my articles and books:  The difference between being an enforcer and of being a leader. 

The examples I’d like to use for this discussion, are the Warden of a prison versus the Queen of a land.  

Both positions have “constituents” – those that reside in the area over which they have authority. Both have the authority to set rules and procedures for those constituents. Both have power to rule,  somewhat unilaterally. Both have the right to enforce their will. Both are in positions of superiority. 

Of course, there are a number of differences: 

The Warden’s constituency is not present by choice. They are incarcerated and restricted. The warden is  feared. There is no personal relationship with the warden; interaction is limited to compliance with strict  and granular rules that impact every moment of every day. Compliance is not a choice, it is mandatory – and failure to comply has severe punitive consequence. They are counting the days until they can get out. 

The Queen’s constituency are members by choice. They are voluntarily citizens unless they no longer  want/need the protections / benefits of the land. The Queen is revered and honored. She is worshiped and adored. She is the leader of the land. Her rules are somewhat generic; providing an overarching  framework of culture and order, under which the citizens adapt for their specific lives. For the most part,  participation in the regulations provide a level of freedom within that framework. Of course, repeated  failure to comply to the regulations may result in banishment from the land or being turned over to … the warden, but for the most part, the constituents are governed by their desire to provide for the  queen in their deed and intent. 

Much of the literature surrounding BDSM and D/s fantasies, and consequently, many of those who  approach me for advice or contact, approach dominance as a position of enforcement. Of course, there  is a bit of a façade that gets played: When referring to dominants, they use words like “reverence” and  “worship” – vernacular that would have you believe the dominant is a queen, but when you actually look  at the nature of the imagery and understand the demands of the fantasy, you see that the role being  described most resembles that of the warden. 

Many submissivess are looking to be made captive. The fantasy is to be trapped, as if against one’s will,  under the authoritative and restrictive rule of the dominant. There is usually an elaborate storyline that  creates servitude – blackmail, disclosure, loss of bets, indenture – so that compliance to a strict rule is  assured. Every movement curtailed; every decision made for them. When to eat, when to sleep, where  to go, what to do. Enforcement is immediate and punitively consequential. The dominant is an enforcer: The “doer”; the active role. Obedience is driven through fear of consequence. All of this is necessary to make the façade feel real.

For most of the dominants I know, playing the role of warden can be fun and enjoyable – as a role.  However, being the warden day in and day out runs counter to what they’re looking for in their  relationships – and can be a lot of work! Most enjoy the feeling of being revered, worshiped, and adored. They want to set generic rules and structure, and not have to threaten or beat their submissives  into compliance. In my vernacular, they prefer “submission” to “acquiescence” …the difference being  that submission is driven by a desire to serve, whereas acquiescence is compliance driven by a desire to avoid consequence. 

The conflict this establishes can take a toll on relationships. A person who is looking to establish a power  dynamic using words like “worship” and “reverence”, is setting up an expectation that isn’t met (for  most) by the imagery of the warden. Sometimes that dichotomy is realized very late in the dynamic’s  development and can lead to all sorts of issues. If someone wants a warden, they need to be up-front  about it. This is not just a porn issue (although porn tends to present the imagery of the warden in the  guise of a full-time relationship – and for someone whose only exposure to power dynamics is through  porn, that can be damaging), this is a communications issue. Talk about what you want. Define  submission. Define dominance. Agree on your terms before you dive into the dynamic. 

For me, I am my submissive’s queen. They operate within the guidelines I present – my preferences and  expectations…the things that make me happy. They live within the purview of my land for as long as  they want to. They are neither forced to comply, nor are they trapped against their will. They opt to  serve me, each and every day they stay here. They are the “doers”; actively working to fulfill their role  within the structure. They are citizens of my land; knights; valued contributors to my domain. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Music In The Dungeon

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Music is often the unnoticed soundtrack of our lives. We shower to music, drive to music, and hear it almost constantly underscoring movies and television, giving us cues to enhance feelings. Colleges teach composers full semesters worth of information on how to best evoke certain feeling when writing music. When choosing music to accompany something, that matters, too. Imagine trying to work out aggressively to elevator music or meditate to screamo – those sounds don’t fit the mood of either of those activities. That can throw off an entire experience.

The sounds of my dungeon are pants, screams, whip cracks. I have heard these sounds echo into a silent playspace, and it always feels a little off. Music is an accepted accompaniment to these events. There were times when it was common to hear Enigma, and other when heavy metal was constant. Regardless of their content, playlists are arguably an essential part of setting the mood at any dungeon or playspace.

Having come back to our dungeon after a long absence, I see opportunity for us, and for the community as a whole. Sure, we can pull up those old playlists back in, but I think as times change, as communities change composition, we need things like our music to flow with them. Other than in some some group chats here and there, I don’t often see discussion of the importance of inclusivity when building those playlists. When planning music for a larger group of people, I have spent time doing my best to build a list that embraces our whole community.

For those who desire to do that within their own communities, I suggest beginning by reaching out to local members. Ask around – what are their favorite songs for their play-at-home or private play playlists? Are there certain groups of people who don’t attend, or are less represented? Reach out and ask for suggestions specifically from them. Yes, it’s even possible to include music for littles, if you don’t limit yourself to original versions of songs. My final playlist includes a heavy metal cover of Let it Go that thrilled every little in the room, and plenty who weren’t.

When building the list out of a variety of genres, it can be a challenge to put songs in an order that doesn’t sound odd. My approach has been to first listen to every song and get a feel for the tempo and vibe, even if I don’t listen to it in its entirety. Some get cut if they just don’t quite “feel” right with the list. Some I liked but didn’t quite like the feel. Those got searched on youtube until I found remixes or covers that worked with the overall feel we were going for in the dungeon. Others sparked ideas for additions. I put all of the titles that made the cut into an excel spreadsheet and categorized them based on how fast or slow they were and what genre, like – slow techno, fast hard rock, mid tempo r&b, etc.

At that point, I decided on how long I wanted my “flow blocks” to be. Some people want a flow of songs to be three songs, or five songs. I chose nine. I picked the slowest tempo songs from my final cut and placed them directly in the middle of each group of nine that was blocked out on my spreadsheet. I then found the fastest tempo songs and put those on the outside edges of each group. I took the remaining songs and used them as transitions between fast and slow, and chose things that moved well from one to the next. At times I cut entire chunks together and moved them to other flow blocks.

I don’t ever quite see it as finished. I suspect it will be changed and adapted many times. New suggestions will come in and either be rejected or incorporated. Older picks may prove unpopular or just get old and be moved off of the list. I think the most important thing is that my community knows our dungeon is doing its best to give everyone music that makes them feel welcome and comfortable and down for whatever their kink may be.

Humiliation and Degradation

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You have heard or seen humiliation and or degradation before in sexual scenes. The Dominatrix says to  her sub “You are a dirty little sissy slut, and Mistress is going to fuck your useless ass”, or you have seen  it in porn, for example, the submissive tied up kneeling on the bathroom floor with her mouth open and the word “toilet” scrawled on her body and face as a variety of men stand around urinating on her and in her mouth.  

What is it about humiliation and degradation that plays so powerfully as a fetish in kink?  

There is an arousal response that occurs when someone is humiliated. The arousal response is the  constellation of physiological changes—e.g., increased muscle tension, tachycardia and secretion of  catecholamines—which help prepare the body for expenditure of a large amount of energy; also known  as. the “fight-or-flight response”. For some people, that response occurs to them as sexually arousing.  

The fight or flight response can occur as sexual arousal because the sexual arousal response is quite  similar in some ways to the fight or flight response. The sexual arousal response is the sequence of  physical and emotional changes that occur as a person becomes sexually aroused. It occurs in 3 phases.  It’s during the first 2 phases of the sexual arousal response, desire (or libido) and arousal (excitement)  that the person who finds humiliation and degradation arousing experiences the fight or flight response as arousing.  

I have had submissives who are aroused by fear. The fear of being punished, the fear of being used hard  and so on. Well in the case of these submissive women, their fear is compressed with their feelings of  sexual arousal and so they seek situations where they can be humiliated or degraded as part of their  sexual self-expression.  

During the first phase of sexual arousal, which can last from a few minutes to several hours, (like in a  play scene), a person may experience any of the following:  

– Muscle tension increase  

– Heart rate quickening  

– More rapid breathing  

– Flushing of the skin  

– Nipple erection and hardening  

– Genital blood flow increases resulting in erection of the penis and swelling of the labia and  clitoris  

– Vaginal lubrication begins and vaginal walls swell  

– The breasts become fuller  

– The testes swell and the scrotum tightens, and he begins secreting lubricating liquid  

This list represents all the physical changes that could occur during this phase, but its quite conceivable  that a person may experience one or more of these symptoms directly as a result of being humiliated or  degraded which illustrates how humiliation and degradation can be interpreted as sexually arousing.  During the second phase of sexual arousal, those changes listed are intensified with breathing, heart  rate and blood pressure also increasing. It’s easy to imagine how the fight or flight response can be  experienced as sexual arousal because the physiological changes that occur in either one are so similar to each other. 

There are whole kink constructs developed around humiliation and degradation. Take the example of  the husband with a tiny penis who is cuckhold by his wife who dates men with much large dicks and who  constantly humiliates him by saying things like “you could never satisfy me with that tiny dick” or “put  that in a cage, its not needed any more, a real man will fuck me” and so on. I recently met such a small  penis kinkster who is 8 months in chastity and who is being sissified by his Mistress who humiliates him  to the point that he is required to dress in women’s lingerie and service her and the large-dicked men,  also known as Bulls, she brings home. To please her, he fluffs the Bull and cleans her pussy or ass after  he fucks her, and then he cleans the Bull’s dick. He does not identify as gay or bi. His entire world of  sexual arousal is based on humiliation and degradation, and for sure that is just one example of a  hundred possible scenarios. On the other hand, in a typical heterosexual relationship, the male partner  may experience arousal when his partner says things to him like “I’m going to fuck your sissy ass” while  she fingers his ass and massages his prostate, with that level of humiliation being more than enough to  sexually arouse him to his satisfaction. Similarly, my slut likes me to call her “a dirty girl”, and “a filthy  whore” because she enjoys ass to mouth, which I also love. I will also add that as a sexual sadist, I get a  certain rise out of doing things that are humiliating or degrading to my slut. From putting her in a cage  with ginger in her ass to pissing down her throat after I have caned her ass, these acts cause a sexually  arousing physiological response in me as well as in her such that we both thrive sexually.  

Consider that something occurs as humiliating only if the person being targeted with the humiliating  task or phrase experience the phrase or task as humiliating. At the same time, I humiliate my slut by  calling her a “filthy whore”, which arouses her, and so even though its clearly degrading to call her –  someone I love – a” filthy whore’, in context it serves to arouse her.  

The argument then, is that for humiliation and degradation to make sense in a sexual scene, the target  of that humiliation and degradation needs to be sexually aroused by the humiliation. If I were to call my  slut “a filthy whore” and it has the impact of making her feel bad, then that would take her out of a  sexual context and disrupt the scene.  

When I piss in my slut’s ass, it is a very dominant act that is degrading to her on one level, but on  another level, she is deeply aroused by my doing so, to the point that she masturbates vigorously while I do so.  

When I put her in pussy chastity and made her an ass whore for a month, was that humiliating? Well, it  is degrading to be told you are in chastity for a month for sure, but she loves anal sex and while she got  sexually frustrated at her pussy not being used, she loved getting related to her ass as a sex organ at the same time.  

Humiliation and degradation are kinks. They are a fetish, but unlike say, flogging, which is very much  physical, they are kinks that expand the dynamic. They do so as either direct or indirect stimuli. They are  not always as direct as impact play for example. Whether its direct like chastity, or indirect like a phrase,  incorporating humiliation and degradation into your dynamic is really about getting into your partner’s  head.  

All sexual encounters are ultimately psychological encounters in the end. Sure, sex itself is physical, but  it is the degree of arousal and the intensity of the experience that fetishes and kinks play on that make  the experience more psychological than physical, and more intense physically. 

We are very kinky people. We live in a 24/7 TPE. Consider that. It is an always on, total power exchange.  She has gifted me her power when it comes to our sexual dynamic and our relationship. This means that  when I tell her to get ready, she stops what she is doing, she goes off to the bathroom and she prepares  herself to be a 3-hole whore. She prepares herself like she is going out on a date, she makes up her face,  she voids her bowel and bladder, she crawls to the living room and she kneels on the floor to wait for me to use her. She understands that whatever I choose to do, she is prepared for. I have her complete  consent. This is based in trust. She knows me as a sensual sadist and a generous lover. She knows that I  love her and that I do not break my toys. She also knows that there is nothing wrong and so it is of no  concern to me or her if she reds out. With that knowledge she will literally do whatever I ask her to do in  order to please me, because she belongs to me and she is my service slut. The degrading things I do to  her, from a daily maintenance spanking to pissing in her ass or down her throat are just part of her  experience of deep arousal and they heat up our already hot scenes so that when we play, we  experience every sexual encounter with each other as a very intense encounter which is so very steamy  that we are left quite literally exhausted after we play.  

Humiliation and degradation are absorbed into our dynamic and they keep our sexual self-expression  hotter and more exciting than ever. And the key thing is that she is aroused by being used when I use  her in a degrading way or when I say the humiliating things I say to her, she is deeply aroused. For  example, imagine how she must be feeling to have the overwhelming urge to masturbate and slap her  clit hard while I am pissing in her ass at the end of a scene. She does this volitionally and organically and  not because I gave her an instruction to do so. It is her self-expression as she explores her experience of  intense arousal during a degrading act.  

I could write this article about any aspect of our TPE. Remember, it always boils down to consent. Every  kink you engage in as a Dom with an s-type MUST start with consent.  

With consent, anything goes. Even humiliation and degradation.  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and  personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching  out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on  all podcast platforms

Holding Kink Events With Today’s Challenges

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There are some venues and groups who have begun to reopen their doors for kink events. Like many other things nowadays, requirements are varied and controversial, regardless of where they hold their bar for risk. Covid is not gone, and at this point, we are all just doing our best to find ways to interact with our kink communities to the best we are able.

There are, have been, and will continue to be venues / groups who are not requiring any safety precautions for gathering, and are not limiting attendance. It is within their rights to hold events as they choose to, just as it is within the rights of people attending to determine individually if those events fall within their risk profiles. However, I believe it is important for people who are attending events without safety precautions to inform others they may plan to interact with intimately in order to allow those individuals to make informed choices about whether or not they feel safe in those circumstances. Please remember, we can’t tell if someone is a high risk individual based on appearance or guessing. They have the right to know if they may be at risk based on someone else’s behavior. This is very much like disclosing other sexual partners. Someone cannot consent if they are not fully informed as to what they are consenting to.

Other venues and groups are / have been offering masked attendance options. As the pandemic raged and my home dungeon was seeking ways they could continue to pay the rent, one of the possible solutions was what we affectionately termed LAT parties, or limited attendance and time parties, which were not only limited to a maximum of 10 individuals, also included us shuttering some equipment to create more space between stations, required masking, and involved lots of disinfecting and sanitizing. As one of the testers for the concept, my partner and I attempted a full impact scene while wearing masks. As an informational note, our impact tends to start fairly light and wind its way towards a four pound, four foot long flogger made of water buffalo hide. It’s a fairly hefty beast which often leaves both of us panting. While it was entirely possible to be fully satisfied from the physical expression of that experience, we both felt that the masks did present something of a barrier to our usual methods of visual check ins, since it hid much of my facial movement from him. He had to rely more on head movement responses to verbal check-ins, which definitely changed the feel of things for us. It was definitely better than the alternative, however.

Again, though, these types of events will not be for everyone. Some will refuse to play masked, others will not feel safe enough. It is a difficult thing to please everyone, even in the best of times, which these certainly are not.

Most recently, we’ve seen the rise of events which cater to vaccinated individuals. These sorts of events are controversial in any environment. People feel reasonable accommodation should be made for those with allergy issues, religious issues, etc. While this would be true for employers, at least in the US, it isn’t the case for private events. An individual can set requirements for entering their club, home or place of business, or as one explanation said, private events on private property. In this case, that means venues / groups have the right to require proof of vaccination from attendees. This may mean they want a digital copy, or it could mean they want to view it upon entry. States have different guidelines. Some states or even cities are requiring that event planners keep records of vaccinated guests’ names, the date of their final dose and declaration that they are fully vaccinated, which presents some interesting potential issues for kinksters who may not want their information on record in that fashion. The solution to that is to know the laws in your city and state, and if organizers plan to keep your health information on file, so you can make an information decision about attending events.

This is an excellent time to mention that vetting is not just for individuals. It is absolutely appropriate to vet group leaders and ask about group history. If a group has been in existence ten years, likely there are a few local kink community members you can ask about whether or not they have ever released vanilla information, how knowledgeable leadership is, whether or not the group’s consent ideology and policy lines up with yours, etc. If it is a newer group, ask how long it has been around, how they handle consent violation accusations, how they handle education, what resources they share with newcomers, and how they handle personal information of members, if they collect it at all. Before you hand over your information to someone just because they “lead” a group, make sure you are comfortable with their experience level and what they may do with that private info.

If you are interested in following up, here is the latest information on hosting events from the CDC: https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/community/large-events/considerations-for-events-gatherings.html

And a look at the legalities of requiring vaccinations: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/can-businesses-require-vaccination-proof-experts-say-yes/

The Impact of Sex Work on Women’s Romantic Relationships

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The idea of having a long-term relationship with a sex worker can be intimidating in many ways. Besides regular dating problems every couple has, you have to face the fact that the person you love is sharing their body with other people. Apart from that, there is a social stigma on everyone who makes money with sex. 

Research conducted in 2015 showed that about 78% of women reported that overall sex work affected their relationships in a negative way. About 77% of all sex workers decided to stay single due to their job. So is dating a sex worker possible? Yes! However, choosing this kind of life can bring many challenges. Here you will find some of the most important things that can impact your relationship when you decide to pursue a sex working career. 

Jealousy

It may come as no surprise, but the main problem in dating a sex worker is jealousy. Many people can’t accept sharing their partner with other people. It is difficult for them to see sex work as regular work, like any other. Society still perceives sex as an intimate thing you should only do when you are in a long-term relationship or after marriage. The hardest part for any sex worker is coming out and being honest about what they do for a living. Nevertheless, we have to take into consideration that in our society, even purchasing from stores like The Adult Toy Shop is sometimes frowned upon.

The first reaction after you tell your date that you are a sex worker may be really hard. It’s tough to find people who will react positively. It often leads to ending the whole relationship, fights, and slut-shaming. Problems often arise when the partner has issues with the entire nature of the job. 

On the other hand, not every sex work is seen identically. Working as a cam girl or a stripper isn’t as “big of a deal” as having intercourse with clients. More people can accept their partner selling their nude photos or videos anonymously than them meeting clients in person. 

Jealousy is one of the reasons many sex workers decide on having a relationship with other sex workers or non-monogamous people. Open relationships will be more effective, as the other person will be free to sleep with other people too. 

Pragmatic Issues

It is a common belief that sex workers won’t have sex with their partners. It may seem logical for some people, as most of us finish the job and do different things in our free time. It may be probably true for some sex workers, but many feel differently doing it with clients and with their partners. The emotional bond can change the whole nature of sex, as you feel close both physically and mentally. 

Apart from that, not many sex workers work every day. Being your own boss allows you to choose where and when you want to work. Some women sex workers said that their work enabled them to experience much deeper intimacy with their partner and that it increased their self-esteem and confidence, resulting in a much bigger sex drive.

Additionally, some sex workers say that many people start projecting their fantasies on them after finding out about their job and start treating them like sex workers instead of dates. They tend not to be serious about the relationship. 

Dishonesty

Many sex workers generally feel that they can’t be honest about their jobs. Lying to a partner is one of the worst things, and it can wreck your relationship. They have to lie daily to strangers that ask them what kind of job they have. Often they lie to their families, so the last thing they may want is to lie to their other half. It can cause fights, distrust, and create barriers, so you won’t be able to feel safe anymore. 

Starting a new relationship can be especially difficult, as being a female sex worker has a huge stigma. People make a lot of assumptions about dating sex workers, from expecting various diseases to drugs and lack of self-worth. Sex workers are afraid that there is too much judgment, and it may be to big of baggage to handle in the first few weeks or months of a relationship.  

The Bottom Line

Being a sex worker is challenging, and adding relationships to the equation can create a destructive mix. The whole nature of sex work will always impact every couple, so many sex workers decide to stay single for life or date only other sex workers. 

Fortunately, you can find happy couples when a partner is very accepting of the job and doesn’t project their fears on their relationship. However, it requires lots of self-confidence, empathy, and open-mindedness, which not many people have. As always, communication and honesty are everything, and it works both ways. Finding a good person is not as easy as some may think!

Maze is a lifestyle writer, dominant in life, submissive in other activities. She participates in shibari workshops and works as a BDSM model for both workshops and photoshoots. Her writing focuses on positive sexuality, and her goal is to educate people on safe sex, kinks, and accepting your whole personality. Maze wants to see a world where no one will be frowned upon for expressing themselves or their hobbies.

Your Kink Is Not My Kink But That’s OK

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Ask any clustered group of kinksters what their rules are and you’ll get a variety of responses. Some may talk about what they restrict or their version of dungeon etiquette. One of our biggest places of disagreement lies in those details. However, there is one thing most everyone can agree on: as long as the parties involved are able to consent, kinksters should be free to do whatever “their thing” is without judgement. By able to consent, of course, that leaves three very important groups out of our kinking: anyone under the age of consent; anyone whose ability to give consent is impaired, such as by drugs, alcohol, or a disability which would impact that function; and animals, who cannot speak to give consent. Often, those who have been around a while may assume this understanding is a natural one for anyone coming into the kink community, but it is always important to clearly state these things rather than to assume others come equipped with the knowledge.

Start talking about things like SSC and the fights break out. Sure safe, sane, and consensual is a way to handle your kink business. Others will argue that half this stuff isn’t sane, so they follow RACK (risk aware consensual kink). I personally prefer RASH, an acronym a friend shared with me, which stands for risk aware, shit happens. Because it does. We’re still all pretty much on board with that consensual word.

So now that we’ve got a clear understanding of who cannot consent to our kinky fun, and that consent is key to all this, anything else goes, right? Well, sure, except I can’t tell you how often I see judgement from people coming into kink spaces. Maybe that judgement is towards a specific kink in a negative way – I see this sometimes with people dealing with littles and those who participate in ABDL. I believe that acronym stands for adult baby diaper lover, though this is not an area I specialize in, so my apologies if I have used incorrect terminology. Y’all get the gist, though. Those groups can often feel separated from the rest of the kink community because others have a preconceived notion of what that kink entails and have decided it’s “icky.” They aren’t the only ones who corner the market on receiving judgement. For a bunch of people who say we’re open-minded and accepting, kinksters can be among the judgiest of judgy bastards. Rainbow play (vomit), scat, feet, clowns, consensual non-consent (CNC), needles, a ball gag made of teeth, whatever it is, many people have something they may privately need to get a cookie when it happens at an event AND THAT’S 100% OKAY. I want to be very clear. No one should ever feel forced to watch or participate in anything that may upset, disturb, or trigger them. Again, to be clear, I use the word triggered as in a to trigger a PTSD response, not as in taking offense, though if something may be offensive, that is another good reason to step away from a scene and visit the kitchen for a cookie. Or a snack. Or go outside for a smoke. Or whatever someone needs to do to provide self care.

What isn’t okay is to stand around saying belittling things about others’ kinks, whether that’s while watching a scene in a dungeon or talking to someone on the internet. There should only be one question: is it consensual by all participants. If the answer is yes, don’t say anything if you don’t like it, just walk away. Don’t type out how abusive someone’s partner is for whatever was done in that photo on Fet. Keep that shit to yourself. You may have some kink others feel the same way about. Do you want to come to a community where you should be safe to do all those delightfully deviant things we all say we’re here for without overhearing someone say “Ew, gross” in the midst of it? I do.  I love the feeling of safety I have to be my authentic self within the kink community.  If hearing Judgy McJudgerson yuck your kinks sounds fun to you, in that case you can get that from Vanilla World™, or negotiate for someone to do that consensually. The rest of us prefer to kink in peace without a Karen telling the manager we should be removed for being icky.

PSA: This goes for polyamory, too. Stop judging others for how they set up their relationships. The only time it is your business is when you’ve been invited to be part of it, and then you have every right to choose not to engage with someone you don’t feel practices the style of poly which works for you.

Remember, people, we’re all fellow humans trying to walk paths which aren’t always well-traversed. Show grace and acceptance to others. Or, to sum up, don’t be a dick.

Here endith the lesson.

The Challenge Of Being A Pandemic Newcomer

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I think back on occasion to the challenges I encountered when I was first seeking my local kink community.  It was a different time then, and the books I’d read suggested searching for information wherever I was purchasing my kink implements.  Spoiler alert, that was a bust.  It took someone familiar with the local community, a Fetlife account and some determination much later to find my people.

I see some similarities in some of the people who have been searching for kink over the past year.  For a moment, really take a moment to image how challenging it would be to attempt to find local kinky people without munches, without events, with many of our local groups dormant and the only options as some sparse Zoom educational events, some swink events that never seemed to take a break or enact safety measures and won’t be in many folx’s risk profiles, and with the majority of kink social media divided sharply down a political line that didn’t seem to be drawn quite so determinedly some six months prior.  Even those who had a party or two under their belts were suddenly left to flounder, with no partners, no mentors, no education, and no options.  They had a hunger for their brief tastes of kink, and no options to feed that other than to take chances on dating sites and meeting strangers from Fet.

To be quite frank, that sucks. 

The others who came searching for us along the way have had an equally difficult time, though at least they only have a vague idea of what they’re missing.

My local community slipped sideways to Telegram, creating a virtual spiderweb of chats that are all run by kinky folx for kinky folx.  Of course, newcomers and veterans alike had to find it or be told it was there to go looking.  We aren’t going to advertise, for goodness sake.

As a project to keep my spirits up, I have tried to stay active in planning educational Zooms, participating in conversations which may have educational value, and writing here.  But for these newcomers, what does their path look like?  What should they do to engage their local communities as they begin to sputter back to life?

First and foremost, we each have to look out for our own self-interest.  We cannot depend on others to value our physical or mental health, and we cannot trust that someone random we’ve met at a kink event has our educational best interests in mind either.  It is up to each of us to seek knowledge.

Read.  Find books, read fet articles, read Kink Weekly articles, do searches on topics of interest.  Don’t take my word for anything, do the research.  I don’t mean read one article that took two minutes and then make a snap decision, I mean research.  One of my graduate professors insisted that 50 sources was the absolute minimum to truly cover any subject, and while I admire his enthusiasm, many of the BDSM topics I want to read about won’t have that many research opportunities, and most will be opinion rather than data, though hopefully it will be informed opinion, which is sometimes the best we get.  I’m happy to find 10 different viewpoints on any given topic.  Regardless, make sure to inform yourself.  Read about negotiations.  Read about communication.  Do self-work you encounter.  Figure out what sparks your interest and notate it.  Figure out what scares you and notate that.  Those things will quite likely change drastically, then change again once you encounter these things in the real world, but knowing what interests you is an important way to start finding what you think you are seeking.

Vet.  Get to know people.  Ask questions.  When I say vet, figure out what that means to you.  To me, that means finding experienced community members I trust and asking questions.  It means watching and seeing what kind of person someone is.  To others, it is a more or sometimes less involved process.  Don’t take it lightly, from either the bottom or the top side.  There are people you’ll wish you’d avoided of all genders and kink identities.  If you can weed those out on the front end, it can save heartache, pain, and potentially even trauma you may wish you could have avoided.  If you’re going to meet someone in private, for goodness sake, please have safe calls lined up with a friend ready to call the police if things go sideways.  Your safety is your responsibility and it is important to not treat it lightly.  Pretend you are making arrangements for someone you love dearly to meet someone.  How can you set that up as safely as possible so they will return to you unharmed (or in your case, as unharmed as you want to be)? 

Find group leaders locally and ask them how to access educational events.  If you can’t find any locally, search Fet for digital offerings.  They are becoming more common, and range from subjects such as poly and jealousy to demonstrations of different kink skills, to social meetings with assigned topics of discussion.  Regardless of how long you’ve been in the community, these events are great opportunities to learn.

Find out if any local groups are offering safe options for meetups.  Are they offering parties for vaccinated folx?  Are they enacting safety measures you feel are within your risk profile?  If not, are there other towns or larger cities nearby who might have better options? 

Are there experienced kinksters who can offer advice or information on their specialty areas?  My partner and I have taken a newcomer under our collective wings and are training him in impact play, leatherworking, and teaching him general kink skills and communication.  He sarcastically calls himself “the most experienced newbie ever.”  To be fair, he probably is at this point.  He was writing articles on impact implements last week and laughing at all of his practical knowledge outweighing his physical experience.

Opportunities are out there.  There are chances to learn and grow for all of us right now, regardless of how active our local communities are choosing to be.  Maybe those come in the form of individual relationships, and maybe they come as digital learning, but we can find them if we seek in the right places.  The trick, as it always has been from back when I first came seeking, is in the knowing where to look.