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How To Use A Wooden Spoon On Yourself

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I frequently see questions about how to play by one’s self. In this day and age of plague, it’s particularly important to take care of our own needs. I have always been able to do so, not relying on a partner to give me the pleasures I like most.

This second self-play article will cover an easy impact technique anyone can use. 

First, get a wooden spoon from the kitchen if you don’t already have one in your play kit. 

Sitting upright is easiest for reaching most of the body. Start wherever you like. I’ll describe an easy sequence that starts with the inner thighs.

Experiment with how to hold the spoon. Tight isn’t always the most advantageous. If you hold it loosely and allow the spoon to swing an arc of several inches, you’ll get more pain out of its inertia than the strength of your arm.

I don’t do one hard whap at a time. I let it swing and strike over and over and over, rapidly but with moderate force. This builds up the stinging sensation. When I get a hit that is at my upper range, I move to the other thigh. 

Ranging to the outside of the thigh changes the sensation significantly. The outer is used to be rubbed against clothing. The inner is more sensitive.

Moving up the belly, yes you can strike on the belly. You’re not going to hit hard enough to do any damage. Up to the breasts/pectorals. Men may find they really enjoy impact to the chest.

You can reach over your shoulders as well, to your upper back. Leaning to one side, you can strike your own buttocks and down the length of the back of your thigh. Lean the other direction to get the other side.

You can turn the spoon around and hold the scoop and use the stick end to strike. This changes both the impact sensation and the concentration of pain.

If you find yourself aroused, get a dildo or jack yourself as you would during any other masturbatory session.

I’ve given myself quite a lot of pain stimulation. A great deal of pleasure. I’ve almost never given myself bruises. Bruises have never been the point of my self-play. Any redness has always been gone within a couple hours.

Self-play isn’t necessarily about getting your extreme pain needs met. To me, it’s about obtaining my perfect level of pleasure; getting myself off; satisfying my immediate arousal.

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over 25 fiction books.

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/

Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Avoid The Kink Holiday Push

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Winter time is coming. The weather is slowly beginning to change and the desire to pair up is seeping into the minds of many. As we enter Autumn, the pull towards developing new relationships continues to grow but in the time of Covid, there is a major barrier to creating those winter time pairings. Further, for those in the kink world, finding not only a partner but a kinky partner can make things even more challenging. 

Navigating dating as a kinky person can be quite difficult. Between the limited resources available to find quality kinky partners to the frequent fetishizing of kinky folks, it can be hard to find serious connections that can grow into long term relationships. In fact, it can even be a struggle to find something casual. It is important when pursuing new relationships, especially those that are kinky, to take your time, pay attention to red flags, and never lower your standards. 

Do not lower your standards

I cannot stress enough how important it is to remain dedicated to the standards that you have set for yourself. When we are in a clear head space, it is much easier to reflect on the type of partner that we may want but often, in times when we are eager to partner up, we may pair with someone who may not be suitable for our needs. To remain diligently committed to the standards that have been set for ourselves can be a challenge, however it will likely increase the opportunity to find a partner who is a better match. 

Do not rush

It is easy to approach this season with the feeling that a relationship must begin immediately. The desire to pair up is often influenced by loneliness which in turn creates feelings of discomfort and distress. It is important not to let those feelings inform the decisions that are being made when trying to pair up. Rushing into relationships often leads folks to miss red flags that may have otherwise come up if more time was taken. While finding an excellent partner may happen early in the dating process, it can be helpful to slow down and take your time as you go forth with getting to know that person and potentially committing yourself to them. 

Do not ignore red flags

One of the riskiest things folks can do when beginning a new relationship is ignore red flags. This is even more dangerous when the relationships have a kink component. Red flags are meant to warn us from potential risk and it is easy to overlook those risks when the desire to be in a relationship is overwhelming. Looking at our past experiences can allow us to recognize where there have been errors in our judgement. Perhaps we saw a trait that we convinced ourselves we could get used to when in reality, it should have been a deal breaker. As people approach this cuffing season, it will be helpful to not attach to someone who exhibits traits that we deem toxic or unhealthy for our well being. 

The dating process may seem daunting but it is possible, even in these unusual times, to find a partner or partners who can make this winter even more cozy. Overall, looking at relationships with an open mind and approaching slowly and cautiously may allow for stronger and more healthy connections to be made. So this fall, as you approach the season of connection, remember that cuffing, whether emotionally or physically, requires diligence, patience and hopefully a bit of fun. 

Elyssa Rice is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in the Kink and Alternative Lifestyle community. She is a writer, lecturer and advocate for sexual empowerment and sexual freedom. She has a private practice in Los Angeles, CA and is dedicated to shifting the narrative about both the mental health and Kink community.

Simple Ideas for Playing with Male Bottoms

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Creativity is one of the most important attributes I’ve seen common among sadists.

A checklist is great, but it doesn’t tell you how to actually DO things. When you’re new, the how of doing things is very important. First and foremost, the bottom and I go over my toy kit and *theirs*. We both agree on and set out items we want to use. One of the bottoms I play with sets out his items and understands that I will use what I choose to use.

What to do and how to do it:

Using the Leash for things OTHER than leading him around — The loop end of a leash can be used as very simple cock bondage, especially once he’s hard. Give it a tug whenever you want. A fabric leash can be pulled up a few inches and put into his mouth.

Tie the dick up with rope and attach a chain leash from collar to cock. Tap on the chain with a hard cane or wooden spoon. Slide a cane up and down it to send vibrations through the chain. Pull the chain up and to the side to position the cock however you want to move it out of the way when whipping the thighs with a quirt.

Wartenberg Wheels — I’ve found I’m very good with wartenberg wheels. Most people might use them for a few seconds and move on to something else. I turn them into a half hour scene in and of themselves.  I run those things all over the body. Up and down the undersides of his arms (including armpits), over the shoulders, around the neck, down his sides, around his back/thighs/buttocks, and eventually over his cock and balls, down the inner thighs. Everywhere I can reach. I almost always use one in each hand, mirroring each other as they roll, and going into the more sensitive areas after he’s been warmed up for a few minutes.

If he likes clamps on the nipples, I’ll attach them after ten or fifteen minutes and run the wheels around his pectorals. 

Clamps with weights — I do this very gently. Just buy 2oz, 4 oz (etc) sinkers from a tackle shop and S hooks to put on them. They hook very easily over clover clamps or the finger loops of forceps style clamps. Some like to have the clamps tapped. Gentle is enough. Minute increases in pain can be HUGE on the receiving end. People watching don’t think I’m doing much, but the bottom is all but dancing on his toes for me.

Clothespins can go anywhere on the body that you can pull up a pinch of skin. You don’t need to smack them off. I don’t do that unless it’s a special request of the bottom. Line up along the pectorals on both sides of the areola, leaving the nipples free. Tug, twist, tap to your heart’s content. Tap with the handle of a wooden spoon. Tease the nipples. Play them like a xylophone. lol When you take them off, the pec is then hyper-sensitive to do all those other things I mentioned.

Ball Gags – I don’t usually use them, as I want very clear communication during play. However, if a guy is making facial expressions I don’t care for, wagging his tongue out, or saying words I don’t want to hear, I will pick up his ball gag and plop it into his mouth. There’s no need to engage the buckle. I expect he understands that he’s to keep it in his mouth until I remove it.

Finger Nubbies – Anyone who’s worked in an office with lots of paper has seen little rubber finger tips for friction when sorting through paper. They are fantastic sensation toys, and don’t cost a lot. Put one on an index finger and thumb and you have a new way to tease and pinch.

Extra Hands – When I’ve got a guy cuffed to the X, I at once have an extra pair of hands to hold things for me. I’ll give him a flogger to hold until I need it, or the wartenberg wheels. It makes for a humorous visual for the people watching, and keeps him present. He can’t go completely into his own head because he has to keep enough focus to hold onto the object.

Cock and ball torture — Quantify what he means by CBT. Saying he doesn’t like it doesn’t explain what he doesn’t like. What is it that he doesn’t like? Grabbing and twisting? Okay. Don’t twist his dick.  It’s as simple as that.

Pelvic Caning — Every dude who has agreed to have his cock/pelvic region caned has liked what I do. I don’t need to hit hard to get reactions…and those reactions are fairly obvious. I’ve not caned one to ejaculation yet, but a couple have gotten close. Mild tap tap tapping up and down the length of a flaccid cock quickly leads to an erection. I have a black cane that is fairly stiff but still a bit flexible. It bounces off the surface and isn’t as brutal as my fiberglass rods. I use a short motion with my hand, aiming for the surface and without follow-through. Don’t swing like you’re chopping down a tree. You’re not going for maximum impact, but surface sting and thud. He’s going to have bruising and will need to piss in the coming days, so less is more.

I whap a little harder on the meat of the area just above the cock. Front of the thighs, including the penis as it hangs, and you may find him leaning back to assist in getting the angle and strike zone he likes best. 

I like to include the inner thighs as well, and the scrotum. Front or back doesn’t make much difference to me. Moderate whapping back and forth from thigh to thigh, zinging across the very bottom of the scrotum in the process, has been a favorite with the men. It gives them the sting and burn of an inner thigh caning with the surprise impact to the balls in both directions. 

Don’t be too relentless, however. Five or six up strokes up high, then move the cane down or move to a different area entirely.

If the back is facing you — I’ve told each of them that if they stick it out, I’m gonna hit it. Every man at once angled himself to better present his balls. You can strike across both thighs and the scrotum at the same time. Again, don’t swing like you’re chopping down a tree. You don’t want to rupture a testicle.

Managing the Bottom – One of the most important aspects of play is knowing when to back off a moment and let the bottom catch his breath. You can’t go intense intense intense every second. Varying sensations between mild and intense, back to mild, up to moderate, down to mild, up to intense creates a rollercoaster ride of pleasures. Know when to pause for a moment and give him (and yourself) a drink. A scene including everything from above will easily last an hour or more. Pause two or three times for a drink and a breath. I always stop before they’re completely spent. Leave them wanting more rather than regretting going one minute too long.

Station Clean Up — I don’t play in private, so this is all happening at a party. One of us wipes down the station he was attached to. If he’s got some wits about him, he does it. If he’s too zonked, I do it. I clean and put away my stuff while he cleans and puts away his stuff, or puts away his stuff for later cleaning. Whatever. It’s his kit. 

What about aftercare??? – I know, right? I totally worked hard. I deserve some after care. First, I’m going to sit and watch him attempt to put his clothes on. It’s most entertaining and satisfying, watching a grown man rendered down to a puddle of endorphic goo, incapable of dressing himself. It’s the best part.

Then I’ll tell him to give me a shoulder and arm massage. If we’re at a sex/SM combo party, I’ll go get laid with some other guy. I don’t have sex with the bottoms I play with.

I’ll follow up with Tylenol through the next day, and a nice warm shower, to ease sore muscles.

The bottom will do whatever it is that he does after he gets home. I’m sure masturbation will be part of his routine, but I could be wrong. I won’t be there for any of it.

What other people choose to do when they are finished is between them.

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written three “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over 25 fiction books.

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

How To Make Money As A Submissive

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Contrary to popular belief, being a submissive is quite liberating and empowering. I’m a natural sub myself — I find it oddly invigorating to give away control of my body to a tyrannical dominant. As such, I enjoy being told or sometimes forced to do stuff in the bedroom and getting spanked occasionally for my indiscretions. 

At first I thought it was weird that I was comfortable with pain, humiliation, and being generally pushed around in the bedroom. After a deep search on the internet, I met an entire community of individuals that fancied BDSM as much as I did.

A Fetish Like Any Other

After lengthy research, it was clear that submission is a legitimate fetish worth exploring. This realization further fuelled my curiosity; I needed to learn more and perhaps get in touch with this new side of myself. The internet is a great place to start, as there are a lot of resources on the subject. 

Some portray submission as some kind of lame fetish that only appeals to the weak. Note that a lot of the information you’re likely to come across is people’s personal opinion on the subject. Look for something positive, testimonies of other subs living the dream. I found plenty of those myself, and they helped fashion the submissive I am today.  

There’s Always a Way out for When Things Get Intense

Every submissive gets to decide the limits they are willing to go to. There’s always a safe word for when things get a little out of hand. Not even your master can ignore the safe word. It is a signal that they are going past your breaking point and they should stop. A dom that ignores the safe word is a sex criminal, an abuser that should never be a dom.

Learning the Ropes

Moving on, my little research got me hooked. I attended a couple of porn conventions, took my first trip to popular sex and fetish clubs, and in no time I was speaking the language of submission. This was still not enough. I needed to belong, and practice seemed like the next logical move. I met a guy at one of the joints I frequented who eventually showed me the ropes. 

First Rodeo

Of course, we went out for a couple of weeks before my first rodeo. I trusted him. He knew I was a novice that hopelessly wanted in. He promised to go easy on me, and that’s exactly what he did.  My first session was still intense, but nothing I wasn’t expecting. I went home with bruised butt cheeks that evening, and I was proud of myself. I had finally done it, and from that moment it was clear to me that was exactly what I wanted for myself.

Our D/s relationship went on for a couple of months during which I continued learning. I tried dominating a couple of times, but it just wasn’t my thing. My sense of authority never intimidated anyone. Submission turned me on and I was going to stick to my lane. 

During my late-night visits to the dark corners of the internet, I learned that I could actually make money off submission. I was still in college and the idea of earning some extra bucks in my free time seemed enticing. For me, this was literally getting paid to have fun!

At the Dungeon

I applied to work at one of the dungeons my then-boyfriend had introduced me to. I was a regular, so it wasn’t hard getting in. To the uninitiated — remember Christian Grey’s playroom in the legendary Fifty Shades of Grey where Anastasia had to learn submission? Well, that is a private sex dungeon. It is typically a room with all the toys for doms and subs to engage in their kinks safely.

A dungeon has all the basic furniture and tools for bondage, like spanking benches, whips, and beds equipped with cuffs among other relevant toys. In my case, I worked at a commercial sex dungeon where we played pretend for paying clients. I was there for about six months before I considered exploring other avenues that would reward my services handsomely. I found dozens of other lucrative gigs for subs, some that I am going to discuss in this article.

It’s been a couple of years since I made my debut as a professional submissive, and I can assure you that it never feels like work. I guess the cliché ‘do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life’ is true after all! What you need to understand, however, is that not everyone is cut out for this line of work. Sorry, but you can’t fake it till you make it around here.

Everything should come naturally to you — you should never struggle with the thought of relinquishing control to someone else. You need to be discerning, have an open mind, and be a sucker for intimacy — a hopeless romantic if you will!

If you believe that you are a good submissive, then you might as well get paid for it. 

Here are five ways you can make money as a submissive:

  1. Submissive In a Public Dungeon

I can personally relate to this gig given it was my first job as a submissive. There’s always a dungeon hiring somewhere. The rates vary from one dungeon to another, but clients always pay hourly rates. There are strict ground rules doms have to adhere to in a public dungeon. It is always scary to work with strangers, but the thought that the dungeon is a controlled environment offers some sort of relief. 

The good thing about being a submissive at a commercial dungeon is the guarantee of getting clients. The dungeon does the marketing on your behalf, and you only have to show up to work. If you like a routine job, working at a dungeon can be the perfect fit. Don’t worry about experience; some dungeons are willing to train newbies upon hiring.

  1. Freelance Submissive

My busy schedule at the dungeon and school took a toll on my relationship eventually. After I parted ways with my boyfriend, I ventured into freelancing. I had the experience, plus I was now more tolerable to things I never thought I’d be comfortable with. 

My first clients as a freelancer were some of my regulars from the dungeon. They invited me to their private dungeons and paid me hourly. I was making more money as a freelancer compared to when I worked at the dungeon. It was also easier to meet new friends, doms, and other subs that way.

I even had my first threesomes — both FFM and MMF — as a freelance submissive. I determined my own rates, working hours, and where I wanted to work from. All I needed to make more money was to put in more hours and sometimes charge special rates for certain acts. 

Being my own boss was great, but it had its challenges too. It meant that I was now in charge of my own safety. I made sure I met a new client at a neutral public place first before doing anything. Even then, I would text a friend their phone number and address just in case I ended up in a real dungeon. But the scariest of all was working with an amateur. Inexperienced doms can be reckless and even seriously hurt you. It’s always important to find out if they are amateurs so you know how to handle them. 

  1. Live Stream Shows 

Like webcam models, subs can also set up online profiles and thrill a live audience with D/s shows. You can create your own site, market your services to prospective clients, or work for an existing camming platform. 

The good thing about the latter arrangement is that the site does the marketing on your behalf, and in return you get to split the proceeds from your live shows. Again, payment varies from hourly rates to gifts and donations from clients. Doing live stream shows is safer and helps you reach a wider audience.

  1. Phone Sex Operator

Yes, that’s actually a thing! A phone sex operator doesn’t have to do much considering no one is looking. You’ll need a sultry voice and an understanding of the lingo. Creativity is not optional at all since you’ll be depending on it to keep the sessions lively. You have to be one hell of a performer to pull off an erotic phone sex session. 

You’ll be taking commands like you are in a real-life dungeon. When they spank you, act hurt. Scream; beg them to go easy on you — make your dom feel like they have total control. Keep them on the phone for a long time, and you’ll make good money.

  1. Submissive Escort

You can market yourself as a professional submissive offering escort services. Some doms prefer private sessions at their place or hotels rather than visiting public dungeons. You can begin by joining an escort agency; split your spoils with them while you gain experience and make a name for yourself.

Personal Experience 

As you might have noticed, I enjoy working as a freelance submissive. The freedom to create my own schedule; choose my clients, venue, and set the rates is everything I ever wanted since I set foot in the game. I have encountered all kinds of clients over the years and participated in fulfilling some of the weirdest BDSM fantasies imaginable. 

Before anything, most doms like to know your limits. They’ll ask you beforehand about the things they should never try on you, and those you are dying to experience. That way the session can be mutually enjoyable. 

Yes, I Turned Him Down

I once met this client that wanted me to indulge his scat fetish in a D/s play. He was willing to double my regular fee; unfortunately I wasn’t comfortable with it so we parted ways. But one experience I fondly remember is this couple that booked me for a threesome in my first months as a freelance sub. We met for dinner to discuss the terms before heading to their place.  

Private Dungeon

They had a dungeon right next to their bedroom (I found it cute; it meant I was dealing with experts). One could tell an expert from how they flogged you. The husband was doing the whipping in this case, and he did it with expert precision. They tied my hands and ankles, and the wife was going down on me neutralizing every ounce of pain the whip brought. 

This particular session really pushed my limits. It involved melting candles, knives, hair pulling, spanking, verbal humiliation among several other kinks I hadn’t tried before. I gave them one hell of a show, and they never disappointed either. We set up another meeting, and we’ve been close ever since. 

What the Future Holds

Freelancing has been more profitable compared to any of my previous gigs. For a while now I think I’m stagnating in terms of earnings. I’ve been relying on my regulars and a few referrals, and I believe it’s time I begin marketing my services aggressively. For starters, I’m setting up a website to advertise what I do. I’ll recruit a few other subs, market them and earn a commission from every client I hook them up with. My prospect list is going to surge, which means more money. If this goes well, I may even resign gracefully and earn from my recruits like a boss. 

Conclusion

As you’ve learned, there’s always an avenue for a submissive to make money. Working at a dungeon opened my eyes to new opportunities. It gave me the exposure I much needed to try out new ventures. 

Live stream shows can be exciting and profitable, especially if you land a generous audience. There’s stiff competition in live streaming, so your unique performance will set you apart. 

Working as a sex phone operator is the easiest gig for a submissive. You only need a convincing voice to stay in business. It is also safe since there is no physical interaction. 

An escort on the other hand can make more money than a phone sex operator and a submissive at the dungeon. However, this job comes with certain obvious safety risks involving dealing with strangers. If you find ways to mitigate those risks, working as an escort can be the best gig you’ll ever have as a submissive.

I’ve tried nearly all of these jobs, but I’ve been more inclined to work as a freelance submissive after making a name for myself in the dungeon. 

Experience is crucial if you want to make good money as a submissive. Inexperience can be a turn off for some clients, although others might be attracted to the innocence that comes with it. Before diving to the deep end of freelancing, I suggest you get a job in a controlled environment as I did with the dungeon gig. Start with light bondage as your tolerance for pain and curiosity to try more advanced moves grow.

My name is Marina and I’m an adult writer with a background in digital marketing. Being a woman in the adult business world I also thrive to help people make it within this industry since it can be so competitive. I write about fetishes, different adult businesses and all kinds of tips & tricks that could help someone take a step forward. 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T In Polyamory

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You don’t have to like your metamour, but ideally you should respect each other

Polyamory can have its ups and downs. One of the greatest external support functions I’ve found that generally tends to come into play when polycules start to grow has been some type of shared calendar. Some will swear by regular ol’ google calendar, others by shared OneNote files or Dropbox or Google Drive folders. Much like the practice of poly, there’s no one agreed-upon way to share schedules and facilitate polycule communication.
What does seem more of a common ground is a desire I often see individuals have for other members of their polycule to have respect for their relationship/s. The problem, as I see it, is how one defines the word respect. I heartily suggest that however one might define it, that the definition is shared amongst metas and partners. Understanding what a person considers to be respectful can often help others from crossing that boundary. That isn’t to say that misunderstandings won’t still occur, but firmly establishing personally held definitions of what disrespect looks like can be extraordinarily helpful.

Let’s play with some examples. I happen to feel that as my D-type’s nesting partner, it is my job to create space for his other partners. If I choose instead to monopolize his time and schedule things in such a manner that they have no space at all in which to attempt to squeeze their own schedules into the open spaces, I have neither respected their relationship with him, nor their needs within that framework. The way I see that, the path in that direction leads to poor relationships with my metas and strife in the general polycule due to my inability to respect their time.

Taking that a step further, if they schedule a specific day each week with him, say Thursday for ease of discussion, it is my responsibility to be respectful of that schedule.

Yes, I understand that life happens. However, if I consistently drag my time with him out and cause him to be late for plans with them or if I continuously reschedule plans that force their plans to adjust around me, I have not been respectful of their time together. If it were a work meeting I would not be so cavalier and dismissive of their scheduled event, so why does it being his romantic schedule make it any less worthy of my consideration?

If I want others to honor my time with partners, I have to give equal concern to my own behavior. If a regularly scheduled week isn’t working for some reason, that becomes an issue for the polycule as a whole. If others are amenable and have been respectful of relationships, often a solution can be found. When someone has shown me clear indifference of my time and energy over and over, I tend to be much less accommodating, as a rule. I find that sort of thing tends to be common. We have a tendency to want to treat others as they’ve treated us rather than extending gestures of care only to see them slapped down or taken advantage of.

It can be incredibly difficult to stand in someone else’s shoes. Quite naturally, we see things from our own viewpoint. When I accomodate someone’s constantly shifting schedule while feeling as though mine is not of concern to them, it has a hugely detrimental effect on our relationship.

It helps if you all get along together!

Having many friends who practice poly, I have heard a meta or six referred to as ‘The Black Hole.’ Their partner will have plans with them, on said Thursday, while Wendesday was a meta’s turn. Yet fairly consistently, the partner will drop off of the map all day Wednesday, leaving Girl Thursday unable to confirm plans. As Thursday stretches on, it always become apparent that Girl Wednesday has had some sort of panic attack or began a serious relationship conversation or argument when their shared partner is due to leave. Once might be legitimate, but when that occurs every week for six months, GW’s lack of respect for Shared Partner’s time becomes only too apparent. When SP doesn’t see the manipulative behavior, that can leave GT feeling frustrated and unimportant, constantly at the mercy of her meta. Compounding that, I often see Girl Wednesday turn around and accuse GT of not being concerned about her relationship with SP. That’s a game with no winners, unfortunately.

Without a standard schedule those issues can be a bit trickier. Say I have a meta with an incredibly busy schedule which leaves her having to make plans a month out. If I text our shared partner with my weekend schedule, and my free time happens to coincide with their plans, I absolutely feel it is my duty to make it clear that my schedule is more flexible and that I can wait. I don’t get to make our Shared Partner feel guilty for keeping plans they’ve made, and I don’t get to try to schedule time before or after, forcing SP to cut time with one of us short. I am honor-bound to respect their time. Doing otherwise, quite frankly, would make me a rather shitty metamour, and honestly, not someone I’d recommend getting involved with.
We always have the option to be respectful of the relationships our partners have with others. I’d argue that if you want your own relationship to have longevity, it’s absolutely essential.

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

The Downside Of Demonstrating Submission

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

This week, I was chatting with a submissive who had been dismissed from her mistress’ poly household because she was unable to control her jealousy and need for attention. Now, almost a year later, she has returned asking for forgiveness and swearing that she’s changed. 

I correspond with the mistress fairly frequently. In the past, she has shared the issues with this particular submissive, and last year, I provided a sounding board when she was torn about dismissing this submissive. I got good insight into the types of challenges that they were facing and saw how the submissive was creating an intolerable situation; being demanding and emotionally taxing. Dismissal was appropriate. Now, the submissive is begging to come back and promising great change. As is the tendency in these cases, my friend seems to have forgotten the problems of the past and wants to believe that the submissive has changed her ways. The submissive reached out to me, feeling the need to tell me how she’s changed and how “things will be different this time” and how she “will show the dominant how much she’s changed”. 

I have the luxury of being emotionally detached from the situation – and so my memory serves me a bit better than that of my friend. I’m a believer in adjustment and in lessons learned – which this submissive has clearly experienced – but the way she worded her intent made me skeptical that change is possible. 

At the root of my doubt is an issue that’s very common among sub-centric submissives; the notion that they can “demonstrate submission”. 

Demonstrating submission is a sub-centric activity. It may not seem that way at first, because the stated objective is to show how good their submission is, but “demonstrating something” is an action that requires that the one to whom the demonstration is given, observe and acknowledge the performer. The focus of attention during a demonstration is on the demonstrator. 

This feeds the sub-centric psyche. The focus of attention is on them. They are the performer. They are being watched and judged. The dominant is forced into the position of having to “write the review” of the performance – and determine if the show stays open. Even though the sub’s actions are stated to be for the dominant, their actual intent is self-serving. 

Imagine what’s going to happen if the dominant is preoccupied with something (or someone) else while the submissive is trying to demonstrate their improved submission. What if the dominant is just not paying attention at that point and time? Will the sub feel that their efforts are being neglected or ignored? Should the sub wait until the dominant is paying attention to demonstrate their submission? That wouldn’t be very good submission, would it? 

I’m not saying that subs shouldn’t get feedback. All subs are entitled to get feedback. They have no other way to improve their submission. For those of you who’ve read my books, you will remember CERAF, the acronym that stands for what I consider to the be the primary responsibility of a dominant: Communication, Expectation, Recognition”, “Assessment” and “Feedback”. The last three steps are all 

about seeing the sub’s efforts, assessing them, and providing the feedback to help them improve. How does “RAF” differ from a sub trying to demonstrate their submission? 

The difference is in “Demand”. It’s one thing to want to be the best submissive you can be – internalize your dominant’s expectations and use their assessment and feedback to make adjustments – it’s completely another to make the intent of your actions to force acknowledgement of them. The intent of a good submissive is to serve the dominant – and internalizing feedback and making adjustments are the best ways to reach that objective. But when the intent is to force acknowledgement, to PROVE something to the dominant, to get the dominant to admit that improvement – that’s when it becomes manipulation and self-centered behavior. 

Submission is a commitment that you make; a dedication to a dominant. Your focus is on the dominant – their expectations, their preferences, and their desires. Submission is “good” when the dominant feels that it’s good. The dominant doesn’t need to be “Shown” how good submission is – we feel it. A good dominant will provide that feedback at appropriate times and on their own schedule, but not because it’s demanded in order to confirm the submissive’s objective. 

A exaggerated example, to demonstrate the difference, can be seen in this tale of two submissives, tasked to clean a bathroom: 

Submissive #1 Cleans the bathroom. Does the very best job they can and heads on to do their next chore. The dominant eventually uses the bathroom and calls the sub in an says, “Nice job, but next time be sure to wash the tops of my makeup and cold cream containers”. The sub notes that so they can do it the next time. 

Submissive #2 Says, “Thank you Goddess…I’m going to clean the bathroom and I’m going to make it SPARKLE! You’ll see”. The sub cleans the bathroom and then seeks out the dominant. “Would you like to inspect my work?” If the dominant is not interested in inspecting the work, submissive #2 sulks, until, eventually the dominant relents and inspects the work. Submissive #2 is anxiously awaiting acknowledgment that the dominant sees how good a job they did. The fact that cold cream container cover is not cleaned becomes an issue that submissive #2 interprets as a failure to demonstrate their improved submission. The dominant, feeling this pressure, might even not mention the cold cream container – just to avoid the emotional tumult. 

OK…that’s an exaggerated scenario – but it highlights the underlying intents…and whether they’re as blatant as this example or not, they are FELT. 

Being the audience of a demonstration demands attention. Being the presenter adds pressure and makes criticism personal. Dominants need to provide feedback and submissives need to listen, internalize, and adjust – but an intent to serve must not manipulate a dominant. Don’t demonstrate your submission – just submit. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

The Nesting Partner Doesn’t Always Win

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We live in interesting times, which happens to be less than awesome for most of us.  We’re experiencing levels of anxiety and stress that our bodies may not be accustomed to.  We have uncertainty and fear, and some days it is a struggle for us to accomplish basic tasks.

What then of kink?  And non-nesting partners?  Is there any space for that in all of this?

I believe there is, but it can be difficult to achieve the head space for the first, or to have the additional energy required for the second. 

Having relationships requires energy.  We give up some of our energy reserves in order to invest in getting to know others or hearing about how their lives are.  When we have high stress levels and we are hearing about high stress from partners, it can be a challenge to keep our heads above water. 

Someone who does not live with a shared partner may be experiencing some feelings of jealousy or loss right now.  It may seem desirable to have someone there for comfort, but we don’t always account for how these emotions can affect a relationship.  It can be an odd shift to consider that partners who do not live together may have an easier time scheduling time for the fun things than those who do.

Partners at home have to push through those pulls of life, like dishes and children, dogs and laundry, and the little frustrations that pile up on any given day.  We may have planned to do fun kinky things together, but the odds are good that when the time comes, one or both of us will be too tired to scrape up the interest.  Because outside partners are getting a specifically scheduled time, energy is often fresh when they meet up.  This means the likelihood of them being able to follow through with the fun kinky things is much higher.  Watching that partner get the thing that is desired but rarely received can create feelings of inequity in a nesting partner, particularly one who does the laundry and finds oneself hanging the now-clean rope to dry that was likely used on a meta’s crotch. 

What is the solution, though?  Understanding the issue doesn’t make energy suddenly appear from nowhere, or stir up desire that has been tamped down by stress and fear.  Perhaps the way to solve feelings of inequity in this area can be to schedule with nesting partners the way we schedule with partners outside of the home.  When we were used to making kink time together by going out to a dungeon before, that option no longer exists, at least not in a way we personally feel is safe. 

Perhaps reaching out to our local dungeon owners whose properties sit empty of patrons, monthly rent continuing to rack up, would be happy to allow a pair of patrons to borrow their location and equipment for an hour for a special night out.  Perhaps, as a friend of our suggested, creatively scheduling an exotic meal out, by exploring recipes or takeout from a particular culture, creating ambiance with sounds or music from the same culture, and dining in Paris for a night before getting one’s kink on might be just the right touch. 

It is important that we explore creative options to continue to show the people we love they are special.  It isn’t always enough to just be the stressed out warm body in bed with them at night.  At some point, this life of fear and uncertainty has to end, and it is the goal that our relationships haven’t ended before that.

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Anticipatory Service: Is it Right for Your Dynamic?

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

People’s preferences differ. Dominants are no exception. One topic that generates lots of debates among dominants – and therefore, confusion among subs – is the area of Anticipatory Service. To some (myself included), having a submissive who is so in-tuned with my definition of dominance and submission, that they can consistently accurately act in accordance with my preferences, without needing to be told and without needing to ask for permission, is the pinnacle of good submission. To others, it’s a repulsive idea.

When I mention Anticipatory Service, I’m often met with, “Subs make terrible mind-readers!” I respond that the notion that anticipation requires reading someone’s mind is completely erroneous. Yes, anticipatory service requires that the sub be focused on the dominant quite a bit. They need to remember things, be observant, and present. It requires that the sub be attentive, empathetic, and a little intuitive. But they’re not expected to be a mind-readers. Rather, they’re expected to internalize their dominant’s preferences and apply them to their decisions.

There are dominants who prefer that the sub never take the initiative to act on their behalf and to never make their own decisions. They may allow the submissive to make suggestions, but never to act without instruction / permission to do so. They prefer the method of “Recall and Obey”: Only allow the sub to act on their own when it’s in response to a standing directive (e.g., Every Tuesday AM do this…Every time I do that, you do this).
For me, this plays on the difference between “Information” and “Instruction”. Information provides the “Why” of a request, whereas Instruction provides the “How”. If I inform the sub that I want something done and provide the basis for them to determine what “correct” is, they are given the responsibility of determining how to do it to my expectation.

If I provide instruction, they are to “obey” and follow those instructions. In my opinion, a sub following instructions will, at best, meet expectations – whereas a sub who is given information can exceed those expectations. For me, a sub who can exceed my expectations is a top-notch sub!

To clarify this distinction, I propose the following scenario:
Let’s say a dominant tells her sub, “From now, until I tell you otherwise, you are to bring me a glass of wine with a bowl of fruit each evening when I sit down to watch TV.”

The sub does so, each evening: Recall and obedience.
Tomorrow, the dominant has an appointment with the doctor and will be getting her blood taken to test for blood sugar levels. The sub knows this and knows that she cannot have the sugar from the fruit, nor from the alcohol, but it’s slipping the dominant’s mind – and she isn’t telling the sub to do anything different.

The sub has some choices:

1. Pure recall and obedience would edict that the sub does what he’s told to do, anyway – as he wasn’t told NOT to do it…so he would blindly obey. He brings the glass of wine and fruit, obediently.
2. Inquire, don’t act: The sub reminds the dominant of her blood test the next day and asks if he should bring the wine and cheese anyway. The dominant would then tell the submissive if she would have something else instead.
3. Anticipatory: The sub reminds the dominant of her blood test the next day and shows her that he prepared an alternate snack that doesn’t impact the blood work, and offers it as an option to her. If the alternative is not what she wants, she’ll send him off for something else, otherwise, she’s all set.

Given this example, some dominants are going to choose #2; not wanting the sub to act without permission. Frankly, I don’t see too many choosing #1, as that strikes me a bit more like fantasy play than reality. You all can likely guess that I’d prefer #3. I don’t mind allowing the sub to use their minds and not rely only on me.

If my sub were choosing the alternative snack for me, it wouldn’t be chosen out of the blue – nor would it be chosen because he miraculously “read my mind” – it would be chosen based on his best understanding of my preferences, the situation as it stands, (in this case) his knowledge of blood tests and the impacts of what I ate / drank prior to drawing the blood, and any other factors that might influence my preference (e.g, What I ate earlier in the day – if he knows that, if I will be working out later – if he knows that, what I’m having for dinner – if he knows that, etc.).

All of those “If he knows that”s are important to note. He’s not expected to know everything – he can’t read my mind. He’s expected to take whatever he knows and use it to make his best, educated, anticipation. Obviously, the more in-tuned he is with me; the more he is aware of my patterns and the way I prefer to handle situations, and the more observant he can be – the more educated and accurate his anticipation will be. This would give him the best chance of arriving at a solution that will please me.

And if he doesn’t get it right, that’s OK too. I don’t get mad at my sub if he anticipates incorrectly – as long as he was truly trying to the best of his ability and as long as he learns from his mistakes. If he gets something wrong (or not right), then it’s a learning experience that will influence and improve his anticipation skills in the future. We’re in this, together, for the long haul.

I assure you, that when a sub gets it right and comes up with something PERFECT that I, myself, might not have even thought of – exceeds my expectations – that’s heaven! Consider that, If he’s obedient, the best I can get is what I can think of. Whereas, if he gets good at anticipating, and is encouraged to do so, I can get surprised by things that may be even BETTER than what I would have thought of! Two minds can be better than one – as long as they’re focused on the same objective (my happiness)!

If you’re a submissive, be sure to take your lead from the unique dominant to whom you’re submitting. Don’t assume anticipatory service is better because Rika said it is for her. You are a student, who needs to learn your dominant’s preferences – particularly when it comes to the style of submission they would like. Also, submissives, don’t try to push your preferences onto your dominant. You might like to never be allowed to make a decision on your own, but your dominant may not like the pressure / burden that places on them. If your goal is to make your dominant pleased with your service as their submissive, focus on their preferences and adapt to deliver to the best of your ability.

If you’re a dominant, make sure you understand and communicate your preferences to your submissives. Usually dominants don’t need to be told that, but you might be surprised how often dominants either forget, or try to appease their submissives. Know what you prefer and assure your submissive understands it. Then expect it to be done the way you prefer!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Fun With Straitjackets

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My girl loves her straitjacket. She loves to wear it, be strapped into helplessly, comfortably. She loves to sit in it for hours, snuggling next to me while we watch a movie. She loves to be left in it, alone, to meditate, to sleep. She loves the feeling it gives of giving herself a big hug, of ultimate security.

My girl loves her straitjacket, and I love to secure her in it.

The straitjacket itself dates all the way back to the 18th century, to a time when a disturbed individual couldn’t be restrained chemically and so was restrained physically. There’s a part of me who has an idle tendency to romanticize such a time (particularly when it comes to a women’s asylum) but the reality was that it was pretty horrible.

Most of my initial contacts with straitjackets were in afternoon soap operas, where you’d encounter gals unfairly strapped up and locked away in padded cells, all the while trying to convince crooked medical staff that, really, they weren’t crazy, even as all of this being tied up and locked away stuff was making them crazy.

It was a heady brew for some of us, particularly as the medically gown clad gals were inevitably barefooted, extra fetish fuel  those of us so inclined.

Personal observation has shown that we are rather unusual in playing with straitjacket bondage, as MaleDoms securing their femsubs in such a way seems to be rather unusual. 

There are any number of reasons that, a kink context, straitjackets aren’t something that many people typically explore. They’re difficult to come by, and when you do find them they’re generally very expensive. And they render the upper half of a gal’s body unavailable which, for most people, makes it a bedroom bondage experience in which they won’t have any real interest.

But for those of us inclined towards bondage outside of the bedroom, particularly if you’re inclined towards long-term bondage, a straitjacket can be the perfect piece of kinky equipment. Is there anything else that’s been specifically designed to keep someone closely secured for days, even weeks?

Getting started with straitjackets can have a relatively high expense threshold, but there are ways around it if you want to experiment with hands-front, comfortable, long-term bondage. 

The simplest can be to put your girl in an oversized men’s shirt, backwards. bring the arms around her front, under her boobs, then secure them in the back with safety pins or other fastenings. You can add some extra security by placing a belt or rope around her arms in the front. 

Alternately, you can acquire a costume-quality straitjacket from any number of sources online, where the “sexy mental patient” is rather ubiquitous. While these are tailored similarly to an actual straitjacket, they’re made of a much lighter cotton. 

Both this and the previous method won’t stand up to any real struggles, but will give you an idea if it’s something you wish to pursue further. But if security is your priority, try the duct tape straitjacket. Wrap your girl’s arms in cling film, have her put them under her breasts, wrap more cling film around her upper body, then cover it with duct tape. Done right, it can be impossible to escape from, but relatively comfortable.

At this point, if you’re interested in in diving into the straitjacket pool, you have any number of options open to you, with varying degrees of expense. 

First, of course, if the classic Posey. If you picture a straitjacket, this is what you’re probably thinking of. Made of heavy white canvas with a dropped collar, it has canvas straps including one which secures the arms in front, and a single one whichh goes between the legs (limiting access to a gal’s nether regions). While the company stopped manufacturing them in 2019, it’s still relatively easy to find a used on online for between $150-$500.

Next is the Humane Restraint straitjacket, which can be easily purchased for around $190 from HandcuffWarehouse.com.  It has leather straps which can be removed for washing and, again, a single strap between the legs.

Then there are any number of specifically kink options, the advantage of which is that there tend to be dual crotch straps, allowing for easy access for your girl’s parts. I’ll only mention a few here for brevity’s sake.

Etsy has the Straitjacket Shop where a base model runs less than $200. They carry a variety of other medical-type restraints, including leg bindings and a full sleepsack.

MonkeyDungeon.com has been making straitjacket and other sorts of medical-type restraints for over a decade, and has a reputation for the highest quality as well as standing behind their products. Their prices run from $79 for a “costume straitjacket” to over $700 for a “padded sleeves leather straightjacket”.

If money is no option, go right to the top of the pyramid and check out MaxCita.com for the Cadillac (or Lexus) of straitjackets. The depth, quality, and variety boggles the imagination.

Finally, if sexual access is a priority, do a search for “bolero straitjackets”. This are specialized restraint devices which have openings for the boobs and have minimal coverings for other parts of the body, allowing almost complete access.

Straitjackets and other sorts of medical-type bondage aren’t for everyone, but for some can have a lot of appeal. Check it out of you’re looking for something other than the usual rope, scarf, or duct tape style bondages.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.