Resources

The Challenge Of Being A Pandemic Newcomer

April 17, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

bdsm leather submissive collar — via stock.adobe.com

I think back on occasion to the challenges I encountered when I was first seeking my local kink community. It was a different time then, and the books I’d read suggested searching for information wherever I was purchasing my kink implements. Spoiler alert, that was a bust. It took someone familiar with the local community, a Fetlife account and some determination much later to find my people.

I see some similarities in some of the people who have been searching for kink over the past year. For a moment, really take a moment to image how challenging it would be to attempt to find local kinky people without munches, without events, with many of our local groups dormant and the only options as some sparse Zoom educational events, some swink events that never seemed to take a break or enact safety measures and won’t be in many folx’s risk profiles, and with the majority of kink social media divided sharply down a political line that didn’t seem to be drawn quite so determinedly some six months prior. Even those who had a party or two under their belts were suddenly left to flounder, with no partners, no mentors, no education, and no options. They had a hunger for their brief tastes of kink, and no options to feed that other than to take chances on dating sites and meeting strangers from Fet.

To be quite frank, that sucks.

The others who came searching for us along the way have had an equally difficult time, though at least they only have a vague idea of what they’re missing.

My local community slipped sideways to Telegram, creating a virtual spiderweb of chats that are all run by kinky folx for kinky folx. Of course, newcomers and veterans alike had to find it or be told it was there to go looking. We aren’t going to advertise, for goodness sake.

As a project to keep my spirits up, I have tried to stay active in planning educational Zooms, participating in conversations which may have educational value, and writing here. But for these newcomers, what does their path look like? What should they do to engage their local communities as they begin to sputter back to life?

First and foremost, we each have to look out for our own self-interest. We cannot depend on others to value our physical or mental health, and we cannot trust that someone random we’ve met at a kink event has our educational best interests in mind either. It is up to each of us to seek knowledge.

Read. Find books, read fet articles, read Kink Weekly articles, do searches on topics of interest. Don’t take my word for anything, do the research. I don’t mean read one article that took two minutes and then make a snap decision, I mean research. One of my graduate professors insisted that 50 sources was the absolute minimum to truly cover any subject, and while I admire his enthusiasm, many of the BDSM topics I want to read about won’t have that many research opportunities, and most will be opinion rather than data, though hopefully it will be informed opinion, which is sometimes the best we get. I’m happy to find 10 different viewpoints on any given topic. Regardless, make sure to inform yourself. Read about negotiations. Read about communication. Do self-work you encounter. Figure out what sparks your interest and notate it. Figure out what scares you and notate that. Those things will quite likely change drastically, then change again once you encounter these things in the real world, but knowing what interests you is an important way to start finding what you think you are seeking.

Vet. Get to know people. Ask questions. When I say vet, figure out what that means to you. To me, that means finding experienced community members I trust and asking questions. It means watching and seeing what kind of person someone is. To others, it is a more or sometimes less involved process. Don’t take it lightly, from either the bottom or the top side. There are people you’ll wish you’d avoided of all genders and kink identities. If you can weed those out on the front end, it can save heartache, pain, and potentially even trauma you may wish you could have avoided. If you’re going to meet someone in private, for goodness sake, please have safe calls lined up with a friend ready to call the police if things go sideways. Your safety is your responsibility and it is important to not treat it lightly. Pretend you are making arrangements for someone you love dearly to meet someone. How can you set that up as safely as possible so they will return to you unharmed (or in your case, as unharmed as you want to be)?

Find group leaders locally and ask them how to access educational events. If you can’t find any locally, search Fet for digital offerings. They are becoming more common, and range from subjects such as poly and jealousy to demonstrations of different kink skills, to social meetings with assigned topics of discussion. Regardless of how long you’ve been in the community, these events are great opportunities to learn.

Find out if any local groups are offering safe options for meetups. Are they offering parties for vaccinated folx? Are they enacting safety measures you feel are within your risk profile? If not, are there other towns or larger cities nearby who might have better options?

Are there experienced kinksters who can offer advice or information on their specialty areas? My partner and I have taken a newcomer under our collective wings and are training him in impact play, leatherworking, and teaching him general kink skills and communication. He sarcastically calls himself “the most experienced newbie ever.” To be fair, he probably is at this point. He was writing articles on impact implements last week and laughing at all of his practical knowledge outweighing his physical experience.

Opportunities are out there. There are chances to learn and grow for all of us right now, regardless of how active our local communities are choosing to be. Maybe those come in the form of individual relationships, and maybe they come as digital learning, but we can find them if we seek in the right places. The trick, as it always has been from back when I first came seeking, is in the knowing where to look.

How To Effectively Cope With Jealousy

April 2, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 4 Comments

poly family, ethical non-monogamy — via stock.adobe.com

We all know how this works with medical issues. If I have a cough, I could take some over the counter medication or cough drops and treat the symptom. However, that cough may be related to allergies, or asthma. It could be related to pneumonia, or covid. Treating the symptom is only going to get me so far when the underlying issue is still at work in my body, causing problems.

So why is that when people experience “negative” emotions they assume that’s where the problem stops? “Oh, I’m just jealous. Everyone feels that way sometimes.”

Just jealous? Why are you experiencing that emotion?

Jealousy, like any other emotion, is merely the end result of a chain that starts somewhere in the brain and ends with a feeling. The question, as always, is where does it start, and how do we address the root cause?

There can be two ways to get there. The obvious one people give in to, is allowing their jealousy (or other feeling they don’t enjoy) to turn to anger at feeling bad and to throw that anger at their partner until what they are really upset about finally tumbles out from between their lips, if they get that far. My recommendation instead of choosing the destructive route is to take some time for introspection. Rather than allowing myself to act on a feeling of jealousy or frustration, irritation or anger, I spend time with it. I love it and caress it and talk to it for a while. Sometimes I even name it George. I ask it to show me what was bothering it, the way I would any friend who came to me with a problem. It is usually happy to accommodate my gentle coaxing in a way that doesn’t alienate my partner.

Because that’s really what all of this is about, isn’t it? Better, more positive communication, yes?

Perhaps the root isn’t that my partner is spending time with someone else, perhaps it is because the time we’ve spent together seems less like quality time and more like two people on their phones. Perhaps I’m upset because I’m not feeling special, or maybe I’m even mistaking one emotional response for another. When envy is the feeling of wanting what someone else has and jealousy is the feeling of being afraid to lose what you already have, they are easily mistaken for one another. Throw in the concept of “fear of missing out” and that’s quite a tangled ball to unravel before getting the heart of things. Some people can’t go through this process alone, so for them I always suggest they have a kink / poly aware counselor help them untangle where those feelings are coming from.

The important part is where you communicate these things to partners. Don’t freeze them out or pretend everything is okay. Let them know you’re working through stuff and you’ll let them know when you figure it out. Don’t take forever to do that, of course, or they will no longer trust your process. Continue to be affectionate while you sort out your shit. There’s no reason to punish them for your feelings. Once you’ve figured out what you need or desire in order to improve the situation, to address the root, be sure to do that in clear concise language, avoiding language which blames your partner. If you hadn’t – if you didn’t – when you make me feel. BZZZZZZZT! Nope. Try positive statements, such as I would like more attention, I’m feeling like I haven’t seen much of you lately, I want to feel important to you.

It can be easy to assume a feeling is its own issue as a standalone, but how often is that actually true? It is important for us to understand ourselves in order to effectively communicate that within the context of a relationship. The better we get at determining where these roots begin, the easier it will become to address those things before they begin to become bigger problems.

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Kink Safety: Zoom & Telegram Precautions

March 26, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

handcuffs, sex on the bed — via stock.adobe.com

Even as some states are lifting lockdown restrictions, there are some digital aspects of the pandemic I hope stick around. Telegram has been an awesome way to connect my local community, and this time has spawned a web of chat rooms with a variety of subject focuses, as well as chats for various local groups to just talk about their day or discuss random kink topics. Additionally, while there is no substitute for trying things in person, I have attended some truly excellent kink educational events via Zoom over the past year. For classes ranging from consent and negotiations to first aid for BDSM, all the way to a class on face needles, the Zoom camera gave me access to a much better view of some of the up-close details I wasn’t often able to see when attending class in a dungeon. Additionally, it has meant I could attend classes held in other communities with the click of a button, despite being hundreds of miles away.

Unfortunately, these new accounts and technological connections also give additional opportunities for kinksters to slip up and disclose more personal information than intended. My goal is to help walk y’all through some small privacy precautions that will hopefully keep you from flashing full names to the kink world at large.

I often see newcomers join Telegram making a couple of key mistakes. The first is using their name rather than choosing a screen name. The “name” option is your display name, not the @tag people will use to search you. If you plan to use it for vanilla purposes, you can choose something innocuous. If not, I suggest disabling search functions so contacts in your phone who are already users of Telegram or who join later won’t run across your kinky self chatting up a storm.

So here’s how. Under settings, go to the “privacy and security” tab. Under phone number, check “Nobody” can see you and only people you add to Telegram as contacts can search you that way. Under the main tab, turn off the function to sync contacts from your phone, as well as the one to suggest frequent contacts. I also advise selecting the option to delete already synced contacts if it has done this without you realizing it. For phones, you can edit your display name by clicking the three dots on an Android phone. Choose a display name that isn’t your vanilla first and last name. As an additional suggestion, consider listing your preferred pronouns.

For Zoom, prior to joining a meeting, make sure any identifying information you don’t want to share is edited first. To change your display name from your full legal name, go to the “My Account” tab. Click on “edit” and change your name. IMPORTANT: Don’t forget to change it back. My family knows what I do for a living and wouldn’t blink an eye if I joined a chat as Christmas bunny, but if my fet name were 69slutpuddle69, I suspect my family might have something to say. My employer might have even more to say.

Alternatively, have a separate kink email address and Zoom account that you log into for kink events. Again, don’t forget to log out, or just make sure not to click the check box asking if you want to stay logged in. It requires thought and consideration to protect yourself digitally. While mistakes can happen, it is important to be deliberate and careful if you want to avoid accidentally outing yourself.

When I host Zoom events for kinksters, I always watch the waiting room tab so that if someone forgets, I can edit their name for them to an innocuous first initial. You can usually edit your own name during a Zoom meeting my clicking on the three options dots on the right hand corner of your own video screen, or through the participants window when it is pulled up.

Unfortunately, not everyone who hosts a meeting will have experience doing so, and the delay in response time means more minutes passing with your full name exposed to people you didn’t intend to share that with.

Please, please, please take the time to learn how to be safer online, whether or not these digital mediums continue to flourish in the future.

The More Things Change

March 13, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

We are mere weeks away from the middle of March, when one year ago, we shuttered our kink groups for “a few weeks” and retreated to our home to work until this passed us by. In some ways it can be difficult to truly comprehend the length of time which has passed. In others, it seems like time has slowed to a crawl, leaving us with more than we know what to do with. Fun fact that recently occurred to me: we will all have celebrated a birthday in the midst of this pandemic by the time things begin their slow crawl back to normal. I will celebrate at least two by then, having had my first very early on in isolation.

It can be odd to think back upon how different my life is in this moment from the way it looked over a year ago.

My life in Kink was flourishing. We were attending our local dungeon at least twice a month to participate in scenes, either together, with others, or both. I was actively volunteering my time to assist with other monthly events, and my leatherworking events and production had found a nicely chugging rhythm which complimented my regular work. We’d found a balance and life was a content thing for us. My partner was getting to know someone new and she and I were becoming friends.

As spring break hit where I live, concerns grew here. I implemented a new policy for client illness, in an attempt to keep my high risk partner safe, finally moving to an online only style of meeting in my business. Many of my clients dismissed my concerns, letting me know they’d be back in a few weeks when things calmed down. I quietly knew it would be longer, but my sense of foreboding didn’t prepare me for what was to come at all. I worried a lot about money in ways I hadn’t before. I was fortunate that online shopping drove more business to my leatherworking, though that began to demand more of my time and attention, which put strain on my hands.

Anxiety took over where contentment had reigned. I had to take over any in-person interactions with others. Panic attacks after grocery store visits became the norm, as I avoided anyone without a mask, and shunned stores which did not require masking regulations to be enforced. Living in Texas, the compliance percentage was low those first few months, and I made do with a cotton mask made by a friend, drying out baby wipes to act as a filter inside of it. Somehow, we stayed safe.

When reopening businesses demanded my daughter begin coming into contact with clients again, my partner I and moved out entirely, sharing residential space with an elderly high-risk relative after disclosing the nature of my leatherworking. She said she didn’t want to know anything, but as the weeks passed and she watched me work, curiosity got the better of her, and I found myself explaining aspects of kink and impact to her. Those were conversations I certainly couldn’t have imagined. Even after masks began to be proven effective and we moved home, that closeness has remained. We send meals over to her and check in with her regularly to ensure she isn’t lonely.

These changes have forcefully molded my relationship. There are things my partner has had to rely more heavily on me for that still make me uncomfortable. Having moved from a schedule where he left in the morning for work and I got up and did leatherwork, then drove to my office to handle things there for a few hours before we both returned home around the same time, things look very different now. I am now required to prepare his breakfast and actually eat something while he begins work. I’m convinced I’ll never actually master his preference in the way his eggs are cooked.

Usually around that time my apprentice arrives, and the three of us settle into our respective duties in one large office area. My partner works his regular job, with his personal laptop available for when I have administrative questions about the leatherworking, his desk nudged up to the apprentice’s. The apprentice works on building up stock or on specifically chosen projects. Sometimes we put our heads together and start working on new designs. He and I volunteered for vaccine trials together, and schedule those appointments so we can ride together and hit up leather stores on the way back.

Our local dungeon is closed for large events, though still available for private rentals. We don’t get there very often, though. We went once in August of last year, once in October, and have plans to go again tonight. Having a full house means the spanking bench in our room hasn’t been used since it was finished, because I’m too noisy for him to be comfortable with that. Our kink is mostly limited to some biting, breath play and rough sex. It’s tough, because I feel like that part of me is really struggling to be fulfilled. Yes, we’ve talked about it. Unfortunately, life is being difficult about those things currently. There’s only so much we each can do. He isn’t getting as much sex as he’d like because it’s a struggle to work around my high anxiety levels and I’m not getting beaten as much as I’d like to because our house is full of people that contribute to my anxiety. It’s a circle.

We spend all of our time together. We’re lucky we like each other still. I’ve seen a lot of relationships fall apart from the stress that’s driving the world right now. We’re still solid as it gets, despite my mental health struggles.

What will things look like on the other side? I have no idea. To be honest, I’m afraid to look too much past tomorrow. I do my best to support our local dungeon and continue to communicate with my partner and my girlfriend, and keep moving forward into whatever the day brings.

When The Kink Doesn’t Click

February 27, 2021 By Elyssa Helfer 3 Comments

power exchange couple with ribbon — via stock.adobe.com

Picture this; you have just finished a date with the person that you just started seeing and are about to be intimate for the first time. You are super excited because things have been going extremely well between the two of you. They have the qualities that you have been searching for in a partner and you are starting to feel confident that perhaps they will be someone who will remain in your life long term. You cannot wait to move the relationship from a romantic space to an intimate one and then you are hit with it; your kinks are not compatible. Perhaps you are a submissive and were hoping that their dominant traits would continue into the bedroom or maybe you are a Sadist and they have an aversion to pain. What does this fundamental incompatibility mean for your future with this person? Is it possible to make things work?

Kink incompatibility can be incredibly frustrating to discover when already invested in a person emotionally. Often, we create a vision for what our intimate life will look like with our partner/s and when that expectation does not become a reality, it can send us into a tailspin, doubting the very relationship that we have grown to love. The question remains; can a relationship work between two people whose kinks are fundamentally different? The short answer is yes. However, in order for the needs of both (or more) partners to be met, there will be work to do.

First and foremost, it is important to discover not only what kinks your partner may have, but what it is about those kinks that is appealing to them. For example, if your partner identifies as a submissive, it may be helpful to ask what type of submissive they are. What do they gain from their submission and what accompanies it? Often, our kink identities are complex and to begin working through the incompatibilities, it is important that all aspects of one’s identity are discussed. Once these topics are covered, we may be able to use some of this information in later stages.

Understanding why someone has the kink they do can also be immensely helpful in the discovery process. For example, if one partner is interested in cucking but the other is not, deeply understanding what it is about the cuck fantasy can be very helpful. If they enjoy the humiliation the most, can that be integrated into the relationship without bringing in an additional person? What sort of things have humiliated them in the past? Can roleplay be enough to satisfy the need for humiliation? These types of questions are what can get us to discover the depths of our partners’ kinks and we can use that to adjust to meet their needs.

Next, it can be helpful to understand how much someone is married to their specific kink role. Are they willing to try out new roles? Are they comfortable using toys or equipment that they never considered? This is where limits come into play. Sitting down and discussing what someone may or may not be willing to try can be an excellent way to discover new kinks. This can also happen by watching porn together, reading erotica, checking out online forums where kinks are discussed and more. Creativity is key when trying to find the balance between two kink identities that do not seem to fit together.

Couples may also want to consider how they define their relationship structure and agreement. Often, the topic of whether or not a couple will be monogamous is not even discussed, as monogamy is the societal standard that frequently dictates how relationships will look. This does not need to be the case. Each couple has the ability to determine how the structure of their relationship will exist and sometimes, being open (whether monogamish, polyamorous, or otherwise) can allow for more needs to be met. Keep in mind, this does not need to be in a sexual way! If one partner is a Sadist who craves spanking play, they may be able to find themselves a spanking partner who only exists in that play space and does not involve any sex whatsoever. This can take pressure off of the partner who has no interest in that type of play and allow the other partner to have the need met that is not being satisfied in the relationship. This type of additional partner works well when one partner has an interest and the other does not. However, what happens when both parties identify as the same role?

For this issue, integrating additional individuals may also be of help. For example, if both partners in a relationship are submissive, it may be possible for them to find a third Dominant partner who uses their power to Dom partner A into topping partner B or vice versa. This can allow for the intercourse to remain between the couple but also allow for the dynamic to be at play. Both partners will be in a submissive role and the third party may derive pleasure from their participation. Keep in mind, all parties involved must consent to absolutely everything!

Lastly, when all other options seem to have been exhausted, it may be time to check in with a professional. Couples counseling, with a kink specialized therapist, can be incredibly helpful for couples struggling to get on the same page about their erotic lives. There is no shame in seeking additional support and a kink specialized therapist will likely have worked with this issue before.

Overall, kink incompatibility is certainly a tough issue to work through but it does not mean that a relationship is doomed to fail. Like so many other things that come up in relationships, this takes work, patience and understanding. With communication, creativity and respect, we can create relationships where needs are met and all folks are satisfied!

Elyssa Helfer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in the Kink and Alternative Lifestyle community. She is a writer, lecturer and advocate for sexual empowerment and sexual freedom. She has a private practice in Los Angeles, CA and is dedicated to shifting the narrative about both the mental health and Kink community.

Collars And Rings

February 14, 2021 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

“A collar is more sacred than a wedding ring.”

I have heard this sentence nearly as often as the one that says submission is a gift. I made my view clear in a previous article that submission is a trade of services and certainly not a gift. This time around we are going to discuss the statement above.

Let me get the hardest part (for you) out of the way first: I completely disagree with this statement and it makes my eye twitch when I hear it said (or see it written in a group).

I enjoy spending time in different online groups. Don’t get me wrong, I prefer in person socialization, but a global pandemic tends to change things. My problem with the groups is that even though our experiences and opinions vary widely, there are a few statements and/or beliefs that are pervasive. The statement about collars is one of those beliefs.

I am going to pause for a moment to discuss my own collar. I find that my viewpoints often confuse individuals.

The collar around my neck shows I belong to Master. It both marks me as his property and as his “little pain slut piggie.” It represents his protection and his love. It marks his right to discipline me as he sees fit.

But my collar cannot speak to you like it speaks to me. It does not regale you with the tales of me going nose to nose with Master as I learned how to submit. It does not tell you about the aches in my fingers from writing enough lines to fill a notebook. It does not tell you the number of tears that fell for me to understand that a submissive is as important as a Dominant. It will not tell you about the struggles I had and the patience that Master had to have to teach me about self-love and self-care.

I did not have a collar while I was under consideration. When he offered me His collar, He offered it permanently. I wear a day collar because He knew I needed to have something to ground me when I am gone long hours at work. I needed to feel the weight, and slight pressure, because it reminds me of his hand upon my neck. It gives me strength when I panic, joy when I am down, and peace when I am surrounded by chaos. And that collar has nothing on the strip of leather he wrapped around my neck the very first time.

When I refer to my collar, I am referring to a thick band of leather that has O-rings across its entirety. It is heavy and demanding. It allows Master to restrict me in any direction, in a variety of creative ways.

It is extremely hard to remove, emotionally. I am rarely allowed to wear it. It is used for formal events and parties, and only once or twice has it been worn at home. There is nothing more trance-like than the ritual of having it put on.

I cannot speak for anyone else, but the changing of my collars (from day to formal) always happens in proper dress. Master will always be in his leathers and kilt. I will always be kneeled, my eyes resting on his black, leather boots. Most often, I am half-dressed, or less. My back and neck lay bare to him. My hands are held in front of me, flat with palms up. His hand sits on the back of my neck, just letting me feel the warmth of his skin. It burns like fire. His body runs hot just as mine runs cold. Then the metal is unlocked, and he drops it carefully into my awaiting hands. He brings the leather into my sight and moves it to my neck. He pulls it tight enough to make me gasp, every time. He holds it tight, for just a moment, before buckling it at a more comfortable length. Then, he hooks two fingers into the O-ring in the front and drags my head up until I am staring him in the eye. It is the most difficult part. Looking him in the eye, in that headspace, is a battle every time. He is looking for something*. When he finds what he is looking for, however long it takes, he takes my chainmaille collar and slips it into his vest. With the ritual, I shed most of my normal anxiety and inhibitions. The leather allows me a freedom that is often elusive in my day-to-day routines.

*He told me once that he watches for the mindset change. He waits, patiently, for me to switch from everyday life to service*

Now that I have given you a glimpse into my mindset with Master’s collar(s), I want to redirect back to why I feel it is unfair to compare a collar to a ring.

I have been with my wife for 12 years now, and we have been married for seven of them. She is my rock. She has seen me at my worst (and my most naïve) and has helped me grow as a person. It is through her that I learned how to convey my affection and my love. I learned how to communicate calmly, how to redirect my anger in a fight, and how to logically face problems. I learned patience and understanding, I explored my sexuality, and I learned confidence in my actions. I learned how to navigate my own mental health and how to balance the quirks and mental health of another.

I remember how glued I was to the television on election night when the reality of marriage became possible. I remember the scream for joy, and the three days it took for my state to finalize the voting results. I even remember that marijuana was legalized in under 12 hours on the same night. I remember the excitement that I could give her the protections offered to only a spouse. I remember the relief when I could make her medical decisions when they found the cancer.

I remember every aspect of our time together, just as I remember every second of my rituals with Master.

But, neither one of these things are remotely alike.

To compare my wedding ring to my collar is detrimental to both of my relationships. Doing so undermines the lessons and growth that I have experienced with each.

My wedding ring symbolizes my dedication to us. It is the commitment of standing together, problem solving, supporting each other, allowing for growth, and learning to understand and co-exist. It is a representation of my love for her. It is a show of strength. It is also the recognition of why we are poly. That ring reminds us that we remain dedicated to each other but recognize that one person cannot fulfill all the needs of another. It is acceptance and support and the desire for the happiness of our partner.

Master tells me that “my collar is always on, even when it’s not.” If, for any reason it is removed (such as for medical reasons), it does not diminish my role as His sub nor my worth to him. The collar is for me.

I rarely wear my wedding ring. I had the weld break on one at work and nearly lost it, so for my own piece of mind, I keep it at home and wear it for special occasions. The lack of a ring on my finger does not diminish my role as her wife nor my worth to her.

The wearing of my ring and the wearing of my collar are two completely different mindsets.

Each represents two people, growing and learning together. I stand tall beside my wife, and I carry her when she cannot walk. Just as Master stands tall with me and carries me when I cannot walk.

My wife accepts me for all that I am. She willingly put her insecurities aside and let me find and build a bond with Master. She knows there are things she cannot provide me. Master allows me to explore the darkest aspects of myself. He does so with a calm and gentle demeanor. He listens without judgement and allows his inner Dragon (what I call his Sadistic side) to give me what I need with absolute trust.

“A collar is more sacred than a wedding ring.”

There is no comparison between a collar and a wedding. Just as there are shotgun marriages in the vanilla world, there are Velcro collars in the BDSM one.

The symbolism of each represents trust, understanding, commitment, and growth. Each, to me, have strong, permanent bonds.

Maybe I am unique. Maybe the wearing of both a ring and a collar from different individuals is the reason I cringe when I hear that statement. It often feels like I need to justify the importance of each relationship. That I cannot give the whole of my being to either because I have both.

To be honest, giving my whole being is the easy part. It is the vulnerability that I have struggled with the most.

Master has my mind, my body, and my spirit. My wife has my soul.

There is no comparing the two.

My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

The Evolution Of Safewords

January 30, 2021 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

sexy male Dominant with wooden paddle — via stock.adobe.com

Anytime I refer to when I was first learning kink, I get this terrible image in my head that I am surrounded by a group of newbies, droning on about how “back in my day,” we did this or that. I can even hear the horrid imitation grannie voice. But the reality is, kink has changed and evolved since I dove headfirst into it, all those years ago.

The most consistent philosophy, in my opinion, would be SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual). Though, this too has evolved to include RACK (Risk Aware, Consensual Kink) and PRICK (Personal Risk, Informed Consensual Kink). While each of these has the same idea that consent is paramount to kink, they are more involved and have developed to include personal risk and responsibility.

However, the most fluid idea would be that of a safeword.

Safeword: A word, phrase, or physical symbol that indicates a BDSM scene must end.

Until recently, I accepted this definition. I believed, and taught individuals, that a safeword is used when someone in a scene reaches their limits. While I do believe that a safeword can be used in a relationship, just as much as a scene, especially with mental health issues, I accepted that it primarily referred to end a BDSM scene.

But I am having a crisis of definition.

Let me start at the beginning. We are going to take a moment and explore that horrid “back in my day” story.

When I first delved into the community, I was taught that a safeword was a single word. It was a word that was given to me by a D-type (blasphemy, I know) and it was to only be used if I was in physical danger.

Back then, no one talked about mental issues. No one discussed sub drop. No one discussed that having a scene in a bad headspace could fuck you up. No one talked about it. The community I learned from, demanded that submissives were seen and not heard. Their entire purpose was to always be available to their Dom. The needs and wants of a submissive were unimportant. A submissive had no say in how they were played with nor who they played with. I was taught that safewords were only needed until you were trained, because “real” submissives did not need safewords. “Real” submissives did not need a safeword because that was tantamount to Topping from the bottom. It meant that the submissive did not trust their Dominant. It meant that you were weak willed and weak minded. Above all, it was discussed as a disappointment when a submissive needed to save out. For the most part, scenes stopped when one was uttered, but the silent oppression in the aftermath made that an extremely uncomfortable experience.

And in all my time in the community, I never quite realized how many red flags are in that story until I wrote it out for you to read. It was simply accepted as the way of things. I honestly did not think about it too much.

Maybe that is why I am so adamant about consent and communication now. Because I see myself in all the newbies and I want them to know they have a choice. A chance to be heard. A chance to have a voice.

What was once the definition of a submissive, is now the epitome of a slave. Where once you would be passed around, with simple acceptance, now requires consent and negotiation. We discuss these concepts like they have always been part of the community. Maybe, somewhere, they have. But I was not lucky enough to be surrounded by that type of support.

The first Dominant, who was interested in me, was 32 years my senior. He had been involved in kink, privately, for a couple of decades. He knew what he liked and from the first time we talked, he groomed me. There was no negotiation. And I believed that was normal. He groomed me, at 18, and he required Honorifics. Naive as I was, his interest in me sparked me to break my own rule and refer to him as Sir. I had extremely low self-esteem and his attention was addicting. Until, one weekend, he texted me to let me know he would be out of cell range for a couple of days and he would text when he got home. Fourteen years later, I still have not received that call.

The second Dominant who was interested, was a Mistress twice my age, who wanted me to move to her and become a house girl. I would not be allowed to contact my family (whom I was close with), would be required to be rail thin, and would not be allowed to pursue my college degree. My wants, and needs, had no consideration. She too required honorifics from the very beginning, and she too ghosted me when I refused to comply.

I want to specify that I was not disrespectful. I just wanted to be treated like a human being.

After those experiences, I became very reserved. I was surrounded by submissives, and through a matter of circumstance, I fought my nature and became a switch. Once I took control, I refused to ever let it go again. Being groomed and ghosted and having no sense of self, left me with a bitter taste of BDSM. I let it become relegated to a bedroom only activity. I lost the beauty and drive of my submission.

And it culminated in the best and worst thing I ever said to Master (before I was even under consideration): “I bow to no Man. Do your worst.” But that’s a story in another article.

I wanted to give you background on where my definition of a safeword started. Had either of those individuals become my Dominant, I would not be talking to you about safewords at all. Because, back then, safewords were a handicap. They were a disappointment. They were the sign of a submissive’s failure.

Over time, my definition changed. When I met Master, he introduced me to the Stoplight system. Green for Go (although I find that part redundant), Yellow for Check-In, and Red for Stop Immediately. Not only was it more universally recognized in public dungeons, but it was also a good system for him and me to find our happy mediums.

I rarely use any of the safewords. Yellow is reserved for health issues. For example, if the cane misses my ass and hits my thigh. I will say, “Yellow, that got my hip.” It does not stop our play. We do not stop to check in. He readjusts his swing, and we continue. He trusts that I will tell him if we need to stop.

Red has never been used. I struggle deeply with even contemplating the use of it. The indoctrination (and most likely because I started as a teenager) makes it hard to hold to my limits. Master has commented more than once that when I say red (because it will happen eventually), He is figuring it will require medical intervention.

We play hard and rough and my body can take quite a beating. If I am saying red, something will be very wrong.

I tried to explain it to Master at one point. When something happens in a scene that I am unsure of, my head starts arguing. Its several voices talking over each other. One argues to safeword. One argues that I can take more. One says to push my limits. One says to back off. One sobs with my pain and one laughs at my suffering. It goes back and forth between being at my limit and wanting to push more. By the time I settle on a decision, I have already endured more than I thought I could. Then it starts over.

It is only in sub space that I escape the chaos in my head. I become catatonic. I can function and follow orders, but I lose the ability to safeword. I stop recognizing my own name. I lose the ability to speak and understand English. I am gone.

Due to my struggles to safeword, and my tendency to become catatonic, Master has learned to read my body first and listen to my answers second. Over time, He has come to trust that I am not lying to him when I say that I am fine or that we can continue whatever we are doing. In my head, I am ready to serve and accept what he offers me. In my head, I can take anything he can dream up. In my head, I am still that teenager who was taught that safewording means I am a failure.

I have encountered many viewpoints on the use of a safeword. There are the individuals who play without them. People like those who taught me. There are those who use a single safeword and only apply it to BDSM scenes. You have those who use a single safeword but apply it to all aspects of the relationship. You have those who use a color system (like the stoplight system) that are more universal in the lifestyle.

Throughout the years, the consensus has moved from submissives being property to submissives being an autonomous individual with rights. There is much more emphasis on consent and negotiation than there was years ago. We, as a community, make sure that submissives know that they are valued and should get to know a potential D-type as a person first and dynamic second.

I will never speak against those who prefer to play without a safeword. Just as I will never speak against those who prefer to be property. I am one of those submissives who handed all decisions over to Master. I do not negotiate, He has blanket consent, and I hold out on my safeword far further than most. I am his to do with as he pleases. I am there for his pleasure and in service to him. That is how I view my submission. Whether by choice or conditioning, I will probably always struggle with using my safeword. I will always struggle with the feelings of failure and disappointment, even though I know Master would never feel either of those feelings if I use it.

The culture surrounding the use of safewords has come an exceptionally long way. But I am positive that it still has a long way to go.

*On a side note, the color system has grown exponentially over the years. What started as a three color system has become almost comical in the alternative colors available for use.

Green – Go

Yellow/Orange/Tan/Amber- Slow down

Red- Stop your current activity/ End scene

Black- End everything immediately

Blue- I need water/I need comfort

Popular Kinks You Should Know About

January 24, 2021 By Grace Murphy 2 Comments

boy slave in shibari — via stock.adobe.com

When it comes to kinks and fetishes, there are all kinds of niche things that some people are turned on by, but others that are relatively popular and well known. If you are looking to explore something new or just want to know what to search for when you are looking for porn or seeing people talk about their own kinks, then here are five popular kinks that tend to be talked about quite often, and which you should know about:

MILFs and Older Women

The kink of being interested in older women, who may or may not be mothers, is a very common one – so common in fact that ‘MILF’ is one of the most popular porn search terms in the world. It is easy to understand the appeal of this one – older women are, at least in most people’s fantasies – more experienced and more confident, and this is something a lot of men find pretty hot.

Of course, in porn, the term MILF tends to be used more as an age range for the performers, rather than as specifying any particular kink, and so not everybody who is into watching MILF porn stars or interactive things like MILF cam girls is actually younger than the women themselves and has a kink for older women. Still, if you have a kink for MILFs or older women in general, the popularity of this kink means that you will have no trouble finding cam girls to watch in your preferred age range – find out more here by checking out Babe Station, which is one of the best sites around for cam girls and has plenty of MILFs on the roster.

BDSM

BDSM isn’t so much a specific kink as an umbrella term for all kinds of different sexual dynamics that involve domination and submission. The term also covers ‘S&M’, which means sadism and masochism, and bondage. BDSM can cover such a huge array of different sexual practices and interests that in itself is more of a way of identifying you are into kinky stuff in general than being specific about, for instance, whether you are into things like spanking and impact play, or whether you prefer a dominant or submissive role.

However, since ideas around BDSM have become far more mainstream thanks to the popularity of erotica books like Fifty Shades of Grey – which doesn’t give a particularly accurate idea of what people who are into BDSM do or are like but did make more people curious about the kinks discussed in it – lighter aspects of BDSM like experimenting with being tied up or blindfolded are things even a lot of fairly ‘vanilla’ people do.

Pegging

Pegging is when a woman uses a strap on to anally penetrate a man. This can be part of a BDSM type dynamic where a woman is dominant, also known as femdom, though it is also something some men just enjoy because anal penetration can feel pleasurable due to the prostate stimulation it creates, and for straight men, this is a way to add it into their sex lives. This means that some people who are into pegging prefer the dominatrix aspect of it, whereas others are just into the physical act itself. Pegging is becoming more widely talked about and mainstream, with people who had previously seen strap-ons as something usually used by women on other women as something that can be introduced into heterosexual sex as well.

DDlg

DDlg stands for ‘daddy dominant and little girl’, and while that may make it sound a bit dodgy, it is really just a description of a type of BDSM dynamic between adults, where the dominant in the relationship acts as a kind of caregiver to the submissive, who takes on an extremely submissive persona similar to a child. It can be something that describes only the way the couple interacts sexually or can describe their whole relationship dynamic all the time, depending on how much the people in question see BDSM as a lifestyle versus just something they adopt when they have sex. The term DDlg refers to a relationship with a male dominant and female submissive, but this type of dynamic also exists in reverse, and between same-sex couples, so the dominant and ‘little’ can be of any gender combination.

Cuckold or Hotwife

Cuckoldry refers to men who have a kink for having their wife or partner have sex with other men, usually with an element of humiliation involved for the man himself. Hotwife is an adjacent kink, where within a couple the wife has sex with other people with the husband’s knowledge and permission (often with him watching, joining in, or arranging the encounters for her), but where the humiliation of the husband isn’t part of it.

These are just some of the most talked-about kinks and sex terms right now, and of course, there are hundreds of other fetishes, kinks, and sex acts that you can find out about or explore!

Grace is an experienced writer who loves to create content on a variety of lifestyle topics, including relationships and dating.

Building A Flogger

January 17, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 4 Comments

When I began building floggers, I didn’t have the benefit of learning from anyone how to do it. I spent time searching out various tutorials, print and video, and got frustrated. What I had in my head wasn’t what I was seeing anywhere. Much like when I cook, I had to take what I saw as the best parts of lots of different recipes, keeping the necessary ingredients while making the taste my own.

Locals in our community have opportunities to craft implements with me on occasion, when I’ve offered a course, complete with leather, tools and guidance. I always promise them their first will turn out light years better than mine did – some goodwill sweatpants cut into strips and glued on a piece of dowel.

How I build

I start by deciding what I want my flogger to feel like (see my prior articles for more information about that). Suffice to say, the amount and texture of the leather I use will depend greatly on what I’ve decided.

Once I’ve decided what the feel should be, I examine my larger piece of leather to determine where the size piece I have chosen will best fit. Sometimes the size of the larger piece will force my hand, if it has limitations.

Once I have cut my piece or pieces away from the larger hide, I often switch my focus to the handle. Braiding works best in multiples of four, so if I’m going to braid the handle I need to find leather scrap long enough to cut into strips that will braid well. If I’m stitching, I measure with a great deal more exactness, cutting a rectangle the precise size I will need to fully cover my handle. Waxed thread works best with leather, though I will occasionally wax my own so I can customize my options a little better.

Handle complete, I create the section of falls. I know some people will use a piece of leather the length of their handle, then split falls off, but I prefer about an inch of overlap from the base of the handle rather than wrapping the full length. I measure twice down the row, marking my future cuts with tailor’s chalk. It turns out chalk works well on most leathers, since it just rubs off easily. I advise students to measure from the same side when they mark, to avoid slanted cuts if the body of their piece is uneven.

Once falls are marked and cut, I use glue on the band of the fall section and wrap it around the base of the handle. For most, upholstery tacks finish that portion. Some may want to upgrade to knotwork over their fall section, but that’s done more easily with a video tutorial. There are some excellent ones on YouTube, though I personally find Viper’s video tutorial to be the best out there. I believe he has them for sale in his etsy shop.

The handle strap is next, and I often cut the strap, end cap circle and covering wrap all at once. Some people think the end strap is for your wrist. I’ll agree to disagree with those folks. I build mine shorter, clearly hanging straps, though I can make them longer for those who request that. This top section can also be covered with knotwork for those who prefer, or finished with tacks as well.

The one thing I emphasize is that the devil is in the details. My wraps start from the same side of the handle. I position hanging loop straps equidistant from what I determine is a centerline on the handle. I make sure diamonds in braided handles line up, and stitching is in a straight line rather than wandering.

When my students finish, I warn them about set times for their glue. Test swings are one thing, but attempting a full scene with an implement whose glue hasn’t finished curing can lead to things shifting or even coming apart. They don’t always listen, but at least I gave them the information.

I believe building implements for one’s own bag is a skill everyone can learn. What I have noticed, however, is that those who spend the time to try it once begin to appreciate the pricing of handcrafted implements a little more. They come to understand the time and effort which goes into the creation of each piece.

The Use Of Signals in Public

January 3, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

sexy female submissive getting blindfolded — via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

A while back, I published an essay called “Keeping your Dynamics Under Wraps”. In it, I discussed a number of techniques for maintaining and executing your power dynamic – without it being apparent to people around you (kids, relatives, co-workers, etc.).

One of the techniques, which has recently spurred some interest, is the use of furtive signals to improve communications without arousing awareness. I felt it would be good to dive in a bit deeper this week.

The first key point is really an observation: The most effective means of keeping communications private, is misdirection. In this case, giving the impression that the idea for someone’s actions was their own. If it’s done well in a D/s context, it seems that the submissive partner thought up the action themselves, when, in reality, they were actually RESPONDING to impetus from the dominant partner. The dominant gets what they want, but it appears to be the submissive’s initiative.

Why is that important? We are setting up this non-verbal communication system so that a dominant can direct a submissive without it appearing that the submissive is following directives. When we see someone volunteer to do something, apparently without provocation, we assume that the person is doing it out of the goodness of their heart; that they are just a “really good guy”, “a doting partner”, or “someone who really likes to help”. We accept almost anything that way.

Most people with power dynamics will establish protocol and routine ahead of meeting with others outside of their dynamic. They will establish “rules of behavior” that are to be followed without any need for prompting. These are terrific, but tend to be a bit inflexible. When a situation arises that wasn’t anticipated, the routines can break down and the communications can falter. This is where having a set of signals can be of service. The idea is to covertly handle exceptions to the routines that were previously established, through the use of non-verbal communications.

Some basic rules

There are a few rules you will want to follow to make this effective and clandestine:

– Eye contact during a signal is usually a BAD thing. Others can see an increase in intensity, or a “call to focus” when you attempt to communicate with your eyes. Even if there is a signal in play, many people will either look at the signal, or look at the submissive – to either emphasize the signal or gain confirmation that the signal was received. This is usually a give-away: Others see that connection, realize that something out of the ordinary has occurred, and put two-and two together when the submissive partner suddenly gets an idea to do something “helpful”

– Deliberately looking away is not good either: Keep the signal natural and don’t change your focus because you’re using one. If you’re looking forward, keep looking forward. Don’t stare or remain stagnant. Just be loose and natural

– Signals need to be hiding in plain sight. They can’t be something that the sub needs to search for…yet, it can’t be something unnatural that calls attention. Things dealing with objects around

you will work well – like resting a hand on a table or a chair. Stretching, scratching one’s nose, touching an earring – these are all very prominent, but natural motions that can be used – The signals will rely on the submissive partner’s dedication to observation. It is the onus of the submissive partner to be looking for the signals. If they’re missed, it’s on the submissive – Allow time to pass between signal and action. Immediate reaction to a signal can be a give away, particularly if a lot of signaling is going on. Eventually, those around you will notice that when the dominant moves, the submissive reacts. It’s far more clandestine if there is a disconnect in time between the signal and the action. It doesn’t have to be long, just a moment to disassociate the actions

Ways to make it work

Here are some easy ways to make this work:

– Make signals the exception to submissive behavior routines. In other words, the submissive partner is ALWAYS looking for ways to serve as usual. The normal course of events will continue with the routines and protocols in play. Use of the signal is for something outside of that normal behavior. It could be a request for non-submissive behavior – or it could be a request for a specific, predetermined action. A good signal will not mean “Obey Me Immediately”; for that is likely a given…however, a good signal might say, “I want your honest answer, not the one you think I want to hear from my submissive”

– Establish a feedback loop. It’s helpful to establish a return signal for the submissive partner to use that communicates back: “aye-aye” (which, btw, originated as ‘I hear and I obey”). It informs the dominant that the submissive partner has received the signal and is ready to act on it – even if that action doesn’t happen immediately. This allows the dominant to stop signaling, knowing that the message has been received, and then be focused elsewhere when the submissive partner suddenly gets the idea to do something. My hubby and I use a touch of his eye to indicate that a signal has been received. People rub their eyes all the time. I signal; he touches his eye; communication completed

– Check in with me: I recommend that you always have a signal that means, “Check in with me”. It’s impossible to predict every situation you might encounter and build signals around that. There will be times when only verbal communication will do. The “check in with me”-signal tells the submissive partner to take the initiative to see if there’s something the dominant partner wants or needs. It tells them to observe, or perhaps enquire as to what is needed

– Keep it simple: Make the signals natural gestures. It’s better to have a missed signal than to have a submissive need to noticeably look for, or interpret a signal. Plus, you don’t want to have to exaggerate a signal to have it seen. You want to know that, as long as the submissive is paying attention (which they are on point to do), they will see the signal

– Avoid “counting”: This one is almost funny…but I’ve seen it. “If I tap on my wrist 3 times, it means ask me if I want a drink; twice ask me if I’m hungry”. Fundamentally, don’t do this! Everyone in the room is going to zone in on your tapping – not because you’re tapping, but because the submissive partner will be focused on counting. It forces the sub to stare – and that needs to be avoided. It’s surprising that, although this seems obvious, many people do it

– Keep the repertoire small: Strive to establish the fewest number of signals you can. Pick general meanings that can be interpreted based on the situation. Use them to initiate actions (like checking in) that open the door to natural conversations. Use them to bring general attention to the dominant, who can then help the submissive partner determine what needs to be done. – Practice, practice, practice. Try it with small things. Drop signals when the submissive is busy. The submissive needs to learn how to be alert and observant. When they see the signal, have them say it out loud (when you’re practicing). If you have friends who are aware of your dynamic, practice in front of them – If they don’t see the signals, even though they’re tuned in, people who are not tuned in will never be the wiser

With my submissive, I only have four signals:

1) “I want your real opinion”: Under normal circumstances, his aim is to make me happy, so, if I said, “Do you want to go out for Italian food tonight?” and didn’t give the signal, he would interpret it as, “We’re going out for Italian tonight…and I’m giving you the opportunity to at least LOOK LIKE you have a choice” and his answer will always be, “Yes, Italian sounds perfect!“…but if I give him the signal for his real opinion, he is free to suggest something else. He might respond, “Italian sounds great, or maybe Indian?” The “Real Opinion” signal is very valuable with unknowing folks around

2) “You’re missing something you should be doing”: He knows that he had better stop and figure this one out fast. I’m not necessarily telling him what he’s missing, but I’m alerting him to the fact that something is up. For us, the signal is me playing with my earring. Usually with a little thought, he can figure out what I want pretty quickly, but when he can’t, he enquires. He has said things like, “Are you OK honey? You look like you’re thinking of something. You have the habit of playing with your earring when something is bothering you…is there anything I can do?” Which just makes him seem like the PERFECT husband; observant and tuned into his wife. Then I can choose to either give him subtle direction at that point, or take him to a private spot where I can give him more direct instruction – or, if I want him to figure it out, I can just respond that nothing is wrong. Regardless, others need not know what’s going on – and it looks like he’s initiating the interaction and just being a doting husband

3) “Stop talking, stop arguing, get in line…obey!”: Which has that intended effect! It’s the equivalent of saying, ‘submissives are meant to be seen not heard”…and he will quickly blend into the background

4) Lastly, we have his favorite signal, which says, “You’re in for a treat tonight”… which means I’m thinking of wickedly evil things to do to him when we get alone. This one will always get a rise out of him 🙂

Dominance and submission are between the ears of the unique couple. What you say and what you do is far less important than the understood intent of what you say and what you do. When you’re both on the same page, people around you can be completely unaware that your dynamic is in full-force. Predefined routines and protocols help you to maintain your dynamic when you don’t want those around you to be aware of it. Establishing a small set of private, clandestine signals will allow you to adjust those routines to the realities around you: Handling situations that you have not predicted and adapting to real-time changes in your mood and preferences. Try them out!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.