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There’s a 100% Chance Something Goes Wrong

July 27, 2019 By Christmas Bunny 4 Comments


Going into a scene negotiation understanding not only what you risk in an activity, but actively preparing for things to go wrong is important.  Sure, we aren’t required to do that, and some things carry smaller risks, but they say preparation is next to godliness, right?  Something like that, anyhow.

The thing is, the first time you play with someone, everything may go exactly according to plan.  No ropes pinched in places they shouldn’t have, no unexpected marks or wraparound from floggers, no issues with loss of circulation from cuffs or chains on a St. Andrew’s cross, just smooth sailing and a blissfully perfect scene.

The reality, unfortunately, is that often our brains think our bodies should be capable of much more than they may be.  Particularly as we age, even things like standing chained in one place for a long time or something as simple as kneeling can lead to cramps and tingling extremities.

So, as I was saying, perhaps your pick-up play always goes smoothly.  I think it’s unlikely, but I’m willing to concede that for the sake of argument.  My more important point is the risk we accumulate with repeated play.

When you play with the same person long enough, the odds of something going wrong incrementally increase to 100%.  We have tendencies to push boundaries, stretch for new heights, vary experiences.  Not all of those experiences will be as we plan.

Now mind you, when I say something will go wrong, I want to be clear that it doesn’t have to be catastrophic to count.  Having been with my partner for over two years, we have had many scenes which I would put into that category.  The time early on when I was close to my period and we started impact at our usual level, or the time we tried to tie a harness while I was wearing crazy high heels and both ended up frustrated, or perhaps the time when I couldn’t find my headspace because it sounded like two girls were screaming a conversation next to me even though they were across the room so every impact just felt stingy and unpleasant, or even the time when we tripped a land mine and I ended up having a very unexpected panic attack.

I understood going in that things would happen.  I accept that risk.  At a recent negotiations class I attended, the presenter used an acronym I hadn’t heard, but found entirely appropriate after it was spoken.  RASH:  Risk Aware Shit Happens.  I had to laugh, but it’s true.

I don’t blame my partner when things don’t go as planned.  Unless he’s trying things which are extremely new to us, which we usually are careful to do in classes or other more controlled situation, moments of whoops aren’t about him being unskilled or careless, they are about Murphy’s Law.  Sometimes things just go wrong.  If we go into this thinking otherwise, we may place blame for unexpected incidents in unfair places, and that is one way community reputations can take some hard hits.

My partner and I do everything we can to plan for foreseeable accidents.  Rope play for us always involves safety sheets.  One of my dungeon necessities is a small first-aid kit with alcohol wipes, antibiotic ointment, cute bandaids of all sizes, and stickers for good patients.  Funny enough, I’ve used it several times on other people who picked up scrapes and bruises from various activities, but never myself.

What a person might need to feel prepared may vary for everyone.  The important part for each of us is not only accepting the risk we take, but also doing what we can to mitigate that risk.


About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidentally got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Tagged With: bdsm, christmas bunny, fetish, kink

Anal Toys & BDSM: Easing Yourself Into Anal Play

July 13, 2019 By Margaret Tindell 2 Comments


Intro

Anal toys are an often-neglected category of sex toys. Too often, people only think of partner sex when they think of anal, and if you don’t have a dedicated partner, or your partner doesn’t enjoy anal penetration, you might just leave it by the wayside. In fact, there are many different types of anal play, and not having a partner, or even not enjoying anal penetration, doesn’t mean you can’t be into it. It’s also great for both men and women. Although there’s some stigma often associated with men using anal toys, once you try it, you’ll never go back. Its versatility plays very well with BDSM and other kinky interests, which means that when you combine it with something you already love, it can make both things even better. If you’re able to open up to anal toys and other anal play, it can be very easy to see why so many people love it.

Especially as you move further into kink and BDSM, anal is a great way to add a bit of spice into preexisting interests like bondage. Mixing and matching is an important part of learning what you like with BDSM, and anal play is one of the possible components. The important thing about anal play is that you enjoy it, and by slowly working your way into more intense anal play, you’re more likely to discover what you love about it. Whether you’re planning on doing some very light bondage or you want to take it into hardcore kink territory, anal play can be a great addition to your sex life. With anal toys, you can take the kinkiness that you love so much and pair it with anal play.

Article

Many people don’t really know what anal play entails. Anal sex in and of itself is something that many people enjoy, but for some, that’s where it ends. Especially if you’re already invested in the kinky lifestyle, anal toys are the perfect way for both men and women to expand their horizons a bit. Here are some ways you can start adding anal toys to your kink play.

  1. Preparatory Items

Before you ever get to work with anal toys, you need to make sure you’re prepared. Anal play can be very painful or even unhygienic if you just breeze into it without taking a few precautions beforehand. If you make sure you’re building up carefully, you can tackle anal play and get the most out of it without having those issues.

The first thing to do is get acquainted with enemas and anal douches. These will help clean you out, so you’re not endangering yourself or any partners when you actually proceed to anal play. Although it can be uncomfortable at first, it can soon become rather pleasant, and some people even add it to their list of kinks. Second, you’ll need to get lube. You can’t do anal play without lubricant, and some lubes even have additives that can help you relax more easily. Lastly, you may want to grab yourself a toy cleaner. Although you can wash most toys with simple soap and warm water, a toy cleaner can be useful for anal toys because it’s imperative that you make sure all your toys are clean.

  1. Anal Plugs

An anal plug is essentially a small item that has a head on one end, tapers to become smaller, then flares out at the other end. Just like all other anal toys, in order to use it, you need to relax. Then, you or a partner can slip it inside you. It will stay in as long as you want, and the flared end means it’s easy to take back out when you’re done.

This is a great toy because it’s incredibly versatile. You can start out with a small plug that you wear during sex and increase the intensity until you’re using a larger plug, or you’re wearing it while out and about with your partner. Many people also love decorated plugs, which have a design on the end. To really crank up the heat, combine it with your kink play by wearing an anal plug under a chastity belt.

  1. Anal Beads

For a bit more of an exciting experience than an anal plug, you can try anal beads. These toys are set on a long string, usually made of silicone, that has beads all along it, with a large anchor at the end. This anchor is usually in the form of a ring or a flared head, and it makes sure that you don’t have any issues with removing the beads after you’re done playing.

One of the interesting things about anal beads is that they frequently start small at the end of the string, then get larger up the string. That means you can go as large as you’re comfortable, but stop at any time. Some anal bead toys even have vibrators inside, making it even more of an exhilarating experience.

  1. Anal Vibrators

Because anal play is a great option for both men and women, vibrators can serve an important purpose here. There are plenty of options for anal vibrators, whether you want a vibrating anal plug, anal beads, or even a double penetration vibrator. Some general vibrators can also be used anally, but you shouldn’t have one toy do twice the work. To be safe, it’s usually recommended that you buy specific toys for anal play.

Men may also benefit from a prostate toy. Although not all prostate toys are vibrators, a number of them are. These can do the same thing as g-spot vibrators for women; by effectively targeting the exact right spot, you’ll be able to pleasure yourself much more effectively. Most people who frown on prostate toys just haven’t tried one before; they’ll absolutely increase your anal play enjoyment, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

How do I start?

Anal play isn’t actually that difficult to get started. Most people find that once they decide to try anal toys, those toys become a permanent fixture in their sex life. Get started with entry-level toys; you can always up the intensity in the future.

Sponsored Post


About the Author

Margaret Tindell is a sexual health researcher and therapist from Baltimore. She prides herself on innovation, using both existing research and the evidence she’s collected over the years to help people of all backgrounds and comfort levels. Her specialty is in helping more vanilla individuals and couples to add some spice to their love life without jumping too quickly into something that could put them off. By bridging the gap between vanilla and kink, she wants to help everyone find their sweet spot. Even in her free time, she loves reading romance novels and picking apart the steamy scenes.

Tagged With: bdsm, fetish, kink

Transactional Kink Relationships

June 30, 2019 By Christmas Bunny 4 Comments


It can be so easy to fall into.  It makes sense.

We all want to fill our hearts’ desires, yes?

Perhaps it’s something simple.  It’s a frustration, and making a deal will fix it.  “I really need you to do these dishes.  I will have kinky sex with you just the way you want it.”  We both win, right?

But let’s take a step backwards and ask if that’s really what we want our relationships to look like.  Sure, there may be housework that needs to be done, but if your partner isn’t helping and a forthright conversation about how important it is to you doesn’t change things, taking a step onto this path can lead to a dark place.

Ideally, when practicing kink, or sex with our kink, as we all want different things, we employ willing participants.  We want the person or people we play with to not only consent, but be enthusiastic participants.  If sex and kink have reduced in frequency in a relationship, that sounds like something to discuss seriously.  One of the most common areas of contention in relationships is sex.

So instead of having those hard conversations, we barter.  I get what I want, sort of.  You do the dishes.  You get what you want, sort of.  We have unfulfilling kinky sex, with at least one semi-enthusiastic participant.

So the next time frustration hits, it is easy to turn to bartering.  I’ll do it again, you do it again.  How often?  Monthly perhaps.  Sex outside of these transactions becomes almost non-existent.  I have become a whore in truth, exchanging sex and kink for simple help around the house.  Perhaps it always was this way, we simply gave it honesty.

It is an awful feeling to realize we have reduced our sex life to a series of transactional exchanges.  It used to be something that brought us closer that we both enjoyed, but now it is simply another tool, another chore to make time for, and a rather messy, sticky chore at that.

So how do we avoid creating transactional relationships?

That isn’t an easy answer.  I can only offer my experience.  Having had a relationship which went that direction in the past, my instinct is to avoid any type of trade with partners.  I choose to do things for them because I want to bring them joy, such as building one a new flogger or doing the laundry and hanging his shirts the way he likes it done.

I have no expectation that my reciprocation will be anything other than a simple, “thank you,” or a hug.  By letting go of my expectation that I should be receiving some type of reward or compensation for my time and effort, it reduces the likelihood that sex becomes the coin of our relationship.  I want our intimacy and play to be out of mutual desire rather than because either (or any) of us have thoughts that it will be a trade.

My goal is for my relationships to be honest enough to withstand the temptations to become an opportunity to keep score.


About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidentally got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Tagged With: bdsm, christmas bunny, fetish, kink

When Communication Feels Like A One Way Street

June 18, 2019 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments


Communication.

We’ve done our personal introspecting.  We know what we want.  We’ve calmed down about things that we’re upset about.

What do we do when we continue to struggle with communication roadblocks either in our romantic relationships or in our friendships?  Do we get frustrated, blame ourselves, and quit trying to build these new healthy habits, or do we persevere somehow?

Well, it’s likely that you already know my vote is for continuing to work, but that isn’t always the best solution.  Despite my belief that the only way to make relationships work is to get up every morning and decide to continue working on them, there are some times that might not be the healthiest path for us.

We can do our best to be open and honest with people and still not receive those things back.  Perhaps they don’t know how to share in these ways.  This sort of communication takes trust and work.  It is rarely an overnight process.  We have to share a little, feel safe, then continue to expand our sharing as the trust grows.  Knowing it is safe to share those feelings is incredibly important.

We have some advantages.  By practicing communication skills with our kinks and in negotiations, we are laying the groundwork to translate those behaviors elsewhere.  We have to put in the effort to level up that skill set.

Not everyone can build those skills with everyone else.  Some relationships are unhealthy.  Some people are incompatible.  Rather than lifting one another to greater heights, often they bring out the darker qualities in each other.  If attempts at communication are constantly being ignored, if people are keeping score, if one always feels as though they are apologizing, sometimes it takes more than one person making a decision to communicate.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking outside help and resources.

Perhaps that help may come in the form of books written by professionals who understand how to rebuild fractured relationships.  Perhaps it may come in the form of professionals themselves.  Either way, seeking out help is never anything to be ashamed of.  Most of us weren’t raised with the skills to effectively and honestly communicate with our partners no matter how good our parents’ relationships were.  Even if those relationships are / were amazing, it is likely that the heavy lifting of their communication did not happen in such a way that it was passed on to their children naturally.

We all have to fight for it, to learn it for ourselves.  Just because we practice those skills (and I say practice rather than master, as we all have our moments when we are imperfectly human) does not mean that others are equipped to communicate with us that way in return.

Most of us are preprogrammed to be cautious about sharing our feelings.  We see that vulnerability as frightening, and something to avoid.  It often takes a lot for us to open up.  We are often wearing masks which cover our real thoughts and emotions.  When we are rejected with those masks on we think perhaps it won’t hurt as much.  The rejection was not really for us.

By taking off those masks and allowing ourselves to shine brightly for the world to see, we make it a better place.  We strip away the fear and share our stories and experiences.  Others can learn from us.  We offer our vulnerability to the people around us and are rewarded by being seen as strong.  We are lifted up for the gift of truth, as it is a rare gift, indeed.

Unfortunately, sometimes our attempts at nurturing fall on fields which lie fallow.  Barren ground has no nourishment, and a relationship which has no healthy communication brings pain.  Sometimes no other solution can be found and we have to make the difficult decisions to walk away from people who hurt us too much.


About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Tagged With: bdsm, christmas bunny, fetish, kink

I’ll Share My Daddy But I Won’t Share My Name

June 16, 2019 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments


DD/bg (or lg or however you label yours) can be a tricky thing to combine with poly.  It is easy to feel that the strength of the bond prohibits the inclusion of others.

Generally, it tends to be a nurturing relationship, and from what I’ve seen and experienced, can be a bit symbiotic.  Much like adding a sibling can have a period of adjustment, so, too, can adding additional partners to this style of relationship.

Imagine, if you will, that it requires a similar adaptation as going from being an only child to having to share the attention with a new baby, one requiring a lot of attention as the bonding is still in process (also constant crying and feeding and diapers, but that’s less relevant, I think).

I’ve seen people say they prefer monogamy for this style of relationship, and it is definitely true that I see more of the monogamous kink relationships fall under this heading.  That does not, however, mean polyamory is impossible.  It just means it may take a little more navigational assistance.

If nurturing is the default response of domination, the top of the slash partner may find this type of relationship becomes the most likely outcome when beginning any sort of long-term power exchange partnership.  Nurturing two is hardly a leap from nurturing one.

Problems can arise when the bottom of the slash gets scared or jealous.  Some people tend to feel less jealousy when partners seek things we have no hope of providing, such as a bisexual female seeking out a female companion.  They may feel more jealousy when it seems there is another person filling the same roles with their partner that they do.  At that point they may think, why even have two partners?  I am clearly replaceable.

When it comes to jealousy, I’ve found one of the ways to separate the concept of my Daddy relationship from another small’s relationship with my Daddy is to choose different pet names.  While we both may address him as Daddy, it is critical for me that he address us differently.  For him to use my pet name, babygirl, with someone else feels bad, wrong to me.  She can have anything else she likes, such as princess or angel or anything else her heart desires.  By having separate petnames, in my mind, it establishes our dynamics as individual things.

It also helps when the DD makes a concerted effort to maintain as many of the standard routines and practices even while juggling new relationship energy.  By showing the first small she is still valued and still receives attention, it reduces the likelihood of serious sibling rivalry issues.

We forget that each relationship takes its own path.  By setting aside insecurities and giving new “siblings” a chance, sometimes we have the opportunity to form close bonds we might have missed out on otherwise.

Tops can fall into traps, too.  When a relationship has progressed from the learning stage, where we begin to learn to communicate specifically with that partner, to the comfort stage, it can be easy to skip steps with new partners, forgetting that the development of that dynamic may need to progress just as slowly as their first one did.  Communication has to be a two-way street.  If only one person is participating, often things fall apart quickly.  This is even more important when adding to a DD/bg relationship.  The smalls need to find balance and learn to communicate with each other as well, whether or not their relationship is a sexual one.  Communication now must go three ways instead of two.

One way we have addressed that in the past has been to have group chats for the three of us.  All discussions happened together, with the exception of financial conversations which involved only our household bills, since we are nesting partners.  Even when he and I were sharing simple things, such as when we left work or arrived home, it kept his other small part of things.

There are lots of different ways people have found security while sharing a power exchange partner.  The important thing is to discover what essential needs must continue to be met in order to ensure overall happiness for everyone involved.  Someone new coming in can feel like an outsider at first, and remembering to treat them with dignity and respect rather than as an interloper can go a long way towards healthier relationships for everyone involved.


About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Tagged With: bdsm, christmas bunny, fetish, kink

Something Is Going to Go Wrong With Your Scene

March 31, 2019 By Will Hunt 2 Comments


Perhaps you will have noticed that the title of this piece does not contain the word “if”. In kink it is rare that something won’t go wrong at some point, and given enough time something certainly will. This can be relatively minor, a flogger swing that goes too high, all the way to scaring someone with a poorly judged whip strike. Today I writing all about when it does go wrong and how to minimize the damage, however this article is NOT about consent violation, that is a very serious topic and it deserves a considered article entirely of its own.

Everyone involved in a scene has a responsibility to be as aware as possible of what they are agreeing to. We, as a top, also have an added responsibility to be confident that everyone involved fully understands the risks involved. There is a disproportionate level of responsibility that we as tops take on being the active participant of a scene. We should also accept that it is an unfortunate reality of kink that at times things will not go as planned. It is entirely possible for two people to do everything with the right intentions and for something to still go wrong.

Put them on the rack

There is a consent shorthand we use on the scene, R.A.C.K. (Risk Aware Consensual Kink). Let us break that down a little.

First is Risk; we need to be honest with ourselves and our partners that there is a risk involved in what we do. If I am going to tie with a rope model who has 10 years of experience and I have tied with before I shall be quite confident when she tells me that she knows all the risks involved. However, if I am tying with a new model who has only done rope a couple of times and never done a suspension before it is my responsibility to satisfy myself that she really does understand the risks involved in what we are planning to do. My risk also goes up when I am tying with a new person, am I willing to take on the added responsibility of an inexperienced partner? I need to satisfy myself that they understand the risks.

This leads very naturally into the second part Aware, does everyone involved appreciate what is planned and what could go wrong? Do we all know what could go wrong and do we all still want to go ahead? Before you go ahead with a scene you need to be confident in what you are about to do. If this is the first time you are doing something your partner deserves to know that, and in return if it is the first time they have ever done something then you deserve to know.

Consensual, this is a term that is hopefully ubiquitous on your local scene. However, it cannot exist in a vacuum. An individual cannot properly consent if they are not informed. Knowing the risks and then communicating those risk has to happen before consent can be properly given. Satisfy yourself that everyone involved is consenting, and everyone agrees on what they are consenting to. Remember that consent does go both ways. If a partner has an issue that they are aware of, an injury perhaps, and they don’t inform me then I cannot give informed consent. If I have a scene with someone who withholds information in the negotiation and consent phase then my consent is violated. I consent to tie with someone with no injuries, but if they have lied about that then it is the same as if I had offered to suspend someone without telling someone I have never done that before, or that I has a sprained wrist.

Finally we have Kink, hopefully this part doesn’t need explaining too much, it is the reason you are reading this article. Kink is about taking risks, the thrill of the extreme, the new, the exciting. Our kinks are important and we should take them seriously so we can enjoy them fully, but we have to be careful not to let them come first.

I have a cunning plan

There is a reason most rope riggers have safety shears on us. It isn’t because we intend to end every tie by cutting our model out of the rope. We have shears for when something does go wrong. It is not a sign of a lack of confidence or a indictment of someone’s skill because they have something to hand in case they cannot get their model out quickly enough.

A rigger who has never had an accident doesn’t impress me, one who knows exactly how to manage it and shows care for their model does. Accidents can happen, regardless of how prepared we are, how hard we try to make sure they don’t. We cannot eliminate all risk, and prepare for all situations, but we should try.

There is a danger in complacency, and it is a risk more often born by the bottom than the top. Even if you start with all the best intentions and planning yet you fall into the trap of thinking that because something bad hasn’t happened it never will you are becoming more and more dangerous. Your partner has not consented to your complacency.

Health and safety madness

A few friends of mine were planning a kidnapping scene for one of their partners. Having never done this before they asked me to step in as a sort of kink consultant. They recognized that is was a complicated scene with a number of risk factors.

The first thing I did with them was to sit down and go through their plan from the least kinky perspective possible. Does she need any medication? What is her schedule like? How are we transporting her? It became a discussion about logistics, not about kinky fantasies.

Kink is often about fantasy fulfillment, responsible kink is about planning before things get kinky.

There is no shame in asking for advice, acknowledging what we don’t know and trying to place safeguards. It is rather the sign of someone who takes their responsibilities seriously.

What happens next

So lets say it has finally happened, despite all the planning something has gone wrong. Your partner has had to safeword, or perhaps you stopped a scene after a swing went wide, or any number of things have gone wrong.

There are a number of articles on this site which will help you plan the practical parts of how to care for your partner, and I encourage you to seek them out. While these practical elements are very important another essential part is the mental process. How you need to think when you are caring for your partner after something has gone wrong.


About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.
https://fetlife.com/users/2976273

Tagged With: bdsm, fetish, kink, Will Hunt

Tis The Season To Journal

December 16, 2018 By Christmas Bunny 5 Comments


Christmas is coming.  It’s the most wonderful time of the year, isn’t it?

Unless, of course, it isn’t.  The holidays can feel very dark, even when we are in partnerships, and that’s not even taking into account that December 21st is the longest night of the year.  Something about the holidays, the hustle and bustle, can bring out the very best in us, and the very worst as well.  Sometimes the holiday season reminds us of those we have lost, or left behind.  For some, it is a season of sadness rather than the joy others experience.

I find my peace in journaling.

While those who follow my writing know that I post frequently, they may not realize how this came to pass, or what purpose it serves for me.  At the beginning of this portion of my journey, I struggled with many issues.  I fought against self-acceptance, I refused to acknowledge a fear of abandonment which I was letting control my behavior, and most of all, I didn’t know what I wanted.

I’d like to take a moment to bunny trail.  I certainly always support people treating their mental health with as much care as their physical health, and getting regular mental health check-ins.  There is no substitute for counseling from a licensed (and hopefully kink-friendly) professional.  However, we are not always at places in our journeys where counseling is easy to afford or perhaps schedule.  Sometimes we have to find healing in other ways.

Daddies are sometimes wiser than their stubborn charges.

He found a website that had journal prompts for submissives and mixed those in with things he recognized we needed to discuss or wanted more information from me on.  Thanks to his clever assignments, my journaling became a tool for growth and self-awareness.  It became the way I could admit all of the things I was thinking without committing to speaking those things aloud.  There is a strange catharsis in letting the words flow out of the hand and onto the paper, know that if those pages were ripped out or burnes, the words could disappear into smoke.

When assigning journaling to a submissive, it really can function in multiple ways.  First and foremost, it can simply be a tool of knowing.  Sharing secrets with blank pages or in the draft folder of an online blog can provide a top slash keys to their bottom slash.  If done well, it can be an insightful enough experience to apear as mind reading by the top.

It can also function as a tool for honesty.  Having a submissive journal about their fantasies, their thoughts on a scene, or even talking about what they want from a budding relationship can lay the foundation for productive conversations.

Having the bottom slash in the habit of sharing thoughts daily can keep any issues which may come up from festering.  Struggling with polyamory?  Jealousy?  Write about it, then talk about it together.  Writing can help organize the thoughts into the most important ones, and help both parties recognize unreasonable lines of thinking.  Sometimes those moments of recognition can lead to healthier responses.

Journaling about disagreements heped Daddy and I implement argument protocol.  When we want to discuss opposing viewpoints, we sit touching.  Sometimes we hold hands, sometimes we snuggle.  Neither of us is permitted to deny physical affection to the other.  Either way, touching with affection tends to minimize the quarrelsome nature such conversations can have.

Sometimes regular journaling will expose deeper issues that may need some attention.  In the case of my fear of abandonment, it came across as sudden bursts of irrational behaviors and the journal helped us find the pattern.  I was able to continue my journey with several books to assist.  I found The Journey From Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson and Love Me Don’t Leave Me by Michelle Skeen.  I read them as I had the emotional strength available (it being the holiday season) and journaled about my reading and subsequent thoughts extensively.

As I healed, my writing continued, but it adapted and became a tool with which I have been able to share my experiences and hopefully help others on their paths.  It is a habit of introspection that has made the relationships with both of my partners healthier, as well as with close friends.

As we travel through December, taking time to reflect on those thoughts and feelings can ease worries and promote better understanding between the members of a dynamic.  However we feel about the holidays, whether it be stressed by shopping, overbooking activities and events or work hours, or joyful and serene, or even a mixture of things, there is value to be had in being honest with ourselves, first and foremost.  That honesty with self can’t help but improve the way we interact with each other, and perhaps help us spread a little joy and light as we come upon the longest night of the year.


About the Author

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, christmas bunny, fetish, kink

Floggers and Christmas

December 2, 2018 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments


Last Christmas I thought I’d be adorable and get Daddy some presents we opened in private (*wink, wink*).  These included a leather strap and, so romantically, a wooden paddle laser etched with the word MINE.

I hadn’t had any experience with paddles prior to that, but their description said “thuddy,” and since I like thuddy, I was on board!  He loved the thought I’d put into it, and the first time we used it, we were both excited.  After a nice warm-up, he gave me a good tap with it, not even using his full strength.

I was instantly in tears.

That was not quite how I envisioned that experience going.  It didn’t get any better the other times he has used it.  Pro:  he knows what I don’t like.  Cons:  my thoughtful and beautiful Christmas present became a funny what-not-to-buy story, and he holds the power to bring me to uncontrolable tears at any time.

I realized that I was either going to need to learn some things about imact implements or stop buying Daddy presents of that nature.  I chose learning.  That’s part of what led me to begin making my own toys.

I ended up in the leather section of a craft store to find a rivet to fix a purse strap the night before vacation and suddenly realized I wanted to play with leather.  I wanted the scent in my nostrils, the texture under my fingers.  I wanted to create impact implements that suited exactly what I wanted, and I needed to study a lot before I could get there.

I began experimenting in cloth.  Goodwill has an excellent selection, perfect for my purposes and much cheaper than a fabric store.  After some heavy reading and trial and error, I had a prototype.  I found scrap leather to make a second, blended with cloth.

I learned a lot with those first attempts, but the real learning began when I took my creating to leather.  There are so many ways to get what you want out of a flogger, and until I began experimenting, I had no idea.

The first time I walked into a leather wholesale store, I was hooked.  The scent of the leather surrounding me always brings me to a halt.  Inhaling deeply, I can let that scent bring a swirl of memories of motorcycles and men I’ve loved – fathers, friends, lovers.  The learning and experimenting only srves to enrich my experiences with leather.  I have had to learn how changing textures, lengths, edges and adornments can change the way each flogger impacts.

Weight of material:  rabbit fur is lighter than pigskin which is lighter than deerskin which is lighter than cow skin.  The weight of the skin is part of what determines how thuddy an implement will be.  Of course, floggers can be made of plenty of other materials besides leather, or by combining things with leather.  The weight can be negated by other elements, such as how the skin was prepared.  Suede gives more thud than veg-tanned skin, which ends up more slappy even at the same weight.

Number of falls:  a high number of falls will increase the weight that is descending, creating a heavier thud sensation.  Similarly, fewer falls will often result in more sting, though that can change based on any specialized fall treatment, or the length.

Length of falls:  this is simple physics.  Shorter falls will have less impact because their momentum is less.  Longer falls will build up more speed and thus have greater impact.  However, it is important to remember that while showy, falls that are too long for the height of the wielder (I personally don’t recommend longer than arms length) can become cumbersome during longer sessions.

Shape of fall tips:  the standard shape is a straight cut across the material.  That shape tends to thud, which can be combined with the above elements to either bring contrast to stingier features or enhance existing thud.  For a more gentle thud, you’re going to want rounded tips instead of flat ones.  To create sting at the tip ends, a diagonal slice at the end will do.  To really amp that up, double tipping the ends adds to the sting factor.

Additions and raised edges:  some floggers may come with braided or twisted falls.  By compacting the leather that way they can make a thuddy flogger land even more solidly, but the raised edges bring focus to the inertia and add sting in those sections.  The more raised sections which are created in this way, the more sting it will provide when it lands.

Some of these things can be done to a plain flogger sitting in your drawer.  If you desire to customize, adding braids or twists will change your flogger.  Of course, once you cut into it, there’s no going back, so make sure it is what you want.  You can also cut your tips at home, as flat tips are the most common ones.  While I recommend a rotary cutter or exacto knife, tip trimming can be accomplished with just a pair of scissors and a decent ruler.

If you’re picking out a flogger for your partner to use on you, oh, say for Christmas, and you hate sting, perhaps that cute flogger with very thin falls and pointed tips isn’t a smart purchase, particularly if it has enough heft to it to really bite.  If your partner is anything like mine, you’re going to have a regret story about that present, once you can laugh about it!


About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Tagged With: bdsm, christmas bunny, fetish, floggers, kink

Ask a Dominatrix, CBT

August 1, 2017 By anniebear 1 Comment

In this article, we have our expert in-house Dommes, Princess Marx and Mistress Lucy to give their informed opinions on various subjects from our readers. Do you have a burning question you’d like our Dommes to answer? Email kinkweekly@gmail.com and maybe you’ll get some personal feedback from these two.

Question from the reader:

Dear Kink Weekly,

My boyfriend likes to be dominated, and I’m pretty new to it but I’ve been trying out a few things. Tying him up, teasing him, spanking, clamps are all super fun. Yesterday he asked me if I would do “cock and ball torture” on him. I’ve been reading up and it sounds pretty intense – I’m worried I might cause some damage, particularly if I hit or kick him in the nuts. Are you able to give me any advice about trying this out?

Alicia

Princess Marx
Princess Marx

Princess Marx says:

Dear Future Genitorturess,

As a notorious ballbusting enthusiast, this is one of my favorite questions! The reality is, those little suckers (balls) can take a lot more abuse than you think! Just search for the video of me kicking Andrea Dipre in the nuts wearing shoes with full 1-inch metal spikes on the toebox!

Of course, Andrea is an experienced (and motivated) ballbusting recipient, and we’ve known each other long enough to be able to do that. We’re both practicing RACK – risk-aware consensual kink.

So, on that note, here are a few things I recommend – and some of these apply to *any* BDSM play:

1) Know thyself, and your partner. You must have trust, and you must be able to monitor & gauge your partner’s reactions while playing. If your boyfriend specifically asked for it, chances are, it’ll be VERY clear to you when he’s enjoying himself, and when he isn’t – just make sure you’re paying attention. Go slowly and build intensity, and with time, you’ll know you partner well enough to skip ahead to the fun parts more quickly 🙂

2) Have a safeword, at least while you’re still experimenting. Once you’re both more comfortable, you can even move away from using a safeword.

I’m a fan of pushing boundaries with playpartners when there is mutual trust, but you have to both be on that page – use both your spideysense and explicit verbal communication to decide when and how far you can push.

3) Circulation (or the loss thereof) is one of the biggest concerns. If you notice swelling, or a loss of sensation or color, immediately loosen the bondage or cease activity. If it doesn’t get better, seek urgent professional help. Of course, with time, you’ll learn how much your partner can take without ever getting to that point.

4) Tension is the other area of high concern. Tying the testicles to a fixed point for prolonged periods risks torsion or rupture, particularly if your partner has a quick reaction to something and is being held by the testes. Being tied to weights for long periods carries similar risks.

5) Take breaks. Give your partner a break every 20-30 minutes, or as needed, to alleviate pressure, tension, and circulation.

6) Always keep safety materials on hand – in particular, safety shears (the kind with the rounded, rather than pointed, tips). At about $5 on average, they’re one of the best safety investments even in vanilla practice.

7) Beware of squeezing anything too hard, at least until you know what your partner enjoys – and as you get to know them, you’ll also learn what they can take, and when you can push them a bit.

8) Blood is a pathogen. You probably already have some sort of mutual understanding on body fluids with your boyfriend, but remember that there are diseases that aren’t transmitted sexually, but can be transmitted via blood contact.

9) Remember: Google is your friend. No list I write in a Q&A format can ever be exhaustive enough, so PLEASE do yourself a favor and google this a little more before starting play.

10) Last, but perhaps most importantly, HAVE FUN!!! The great joy of a D/s dynamic is getting to do things that are normally considered taboo. We’re all supposed to be very nice and polite to each other IRL; the joy of BDSM is that you get to fuck with that.

I think that’s probably why ballbusting is my all-time favorite BDSM activity: I’m (shockingly!) actually a nice person IRL, and would never kick someone without consent (although some people really deserve it..). In play, we get to do those things to people with not only their permission, but with their desire. There’s even a band called The Genitorturers!

Enjoy!
~ Princess Marx
www.princessmarx.com

Based in Los Angeles and Boston, born in Europe, and traveling frequently, Princess Marx is a lifelong kinkster and a formally trained professional Dominatrix. She has the dubious distinction of an Ivy League education, and was awarded the 2016 “Most Fascinating and Captivating Model” award by Footnight International. Princess Marx is a proponent of both sex-positivity, and the reclamative justice of Female Supremacy. She is a frequent performer, speaker, educator, and commentator on kink and sexuality, and was recently surprised to find out a Kentucky-bred race horse was named after her. You can find more info at www.princessmarx.com.

Mistress Lucy Khan
Mistress Lucy Khan

Mistress Lucy Khan says:

Dear Alicia,
I bet that when you think about cock and ball torture (CBT), what makes it intimidating is the “torture” part. Torture conjures up images of interrogations, deranged scientists, war crimes… rather intense associations to say the least. In My experience, kinksters and BDSM enthusiasts definitely have a flair for the dramatic–after all, it’s the narrative, the experience of playing out the theater of the erotic that really scratches our itch! For those just getting into this type of play, however, a more helpful way to think about CBT would be to replace the word “torture” with “play”. The concept of “play” allows you to fiddle, fidget, explore, and amuse yourself with the parts in question without a definitive (and potentially pressure-filled) end goal in mind. Often times, it’s the loss of control over one’s body that creates the eroticism in the first place…

One way to take the pressure off and simply have fun with the exploration of cock and ball play is to restrain him, blindfold him, and simply tickle, lick, bite, and poke at his junk! With his eyesight gone, you can indulge in the sensorial aspects of having free reign over the most vulnerable part of his body (hot!) with less self-consciousness. Feel free to tug down on and/or tie up the balls–you can ask him for feedback to get a sense of his pain tolerance and proceed slowly from there. Like I said, it’s often exploring the psychological aspect of having a man’s most vulnerable parts in the palm of your hand that is at the heart of the matter. Be verbal: “how does it feel to have your balls in the palm of my hand?” Another fabulous idea for getting into the swing of things is to play with temperature: alternate ice cubes with warm breath, apply some icy hot/tiger balm–if it’s too intense, make him beg for you to wipe it off! Practice makes perfect, so if you start slow, you’ll be educating yourself on what his balls can actually take, so you can build on the knowledge from there! Treat is as an experiment, not as a test, and the cock and balls can definitely be a wonderland for your D/s practice. Have fun!

xo,
Sherpa Lucy

Mistress Lucy Khan is a LA-based dominatrix, educator, and amatuer social engineer who has run her own independent practice for over the last 5+ years. Passionate about applying BDSM principles to contexts that lay outside the BDSM and kink community, She delights in shining light on the darkest of desires. As a former NCAA athlete graduating summa cum laude, Her strength lies in creating twisted scenarios that incorporate both body and brain. Delighting in introducing newbies to the art of kink, She is available for both in person and phone consultations via MistressLucy.org and can be found on Twitter + Instagram @LucytheMistress

Tagged With: CBT, cock and ball torture, dominatrix, mistress lucy khan, princess marx, pro dom

BDSM Scene Ideas: Stripper Dancing

June 13, 2017 By Dexx Leave a Comment

She gave a good lap dance, but he wanted something else

Making your submissive dance for you can be the centerpiece of a scene that is very enjoyable for both of you. You get to enjoy her sexy moves, she can learn some new skills and show them off for you, and both of you get share gratification of you directing her submission to you.

This post contains affiliate links. For more info, see our disclosures here.

This scene could go one of many ways, but I’d first like to touch on how this feeds the submissive headspace. Stripping in it of itself is an exhibitionist’s dream. If you have a submissive who is more demure or shy perhaps, this is a great way to open them up. Obviously every scene you do should be properly negotiated beforehand and only you can know your play partner’s limits. Any time you engage in “forced” [insert scene activity here] there is always an element of risk and you should play with caution. Now, back to the fun stuff-if you have a shy sub, which I happen to have personal experience with, the entire act of dancing in front of or even stripping for someone can be very exhilarating, humiliating, sexy…any number of feelings. It can play into many types of kinks including humiliation, degradation, exhibitionism, and power exchange just to name a few. If you have an outgoing sub or play partner, then this is a way for them to show off and impress you.

First you’ll want to set the scene. Not everyone is going to have a stripper pole in their home (if you do, kudos to you!) but many public dungeons, swinger clubs, and play spaces do! So if you want to add another element to the scene, make it public at one of these places. But in lieu of a pole, a chair will do or you can be extra sadistic and make them fly solo with no props or assistance other than their bodies and the clothes on their backs.

Dim the lighting or even change the lighting color (red is sexy). Select a play list ahead of time. Try to think of songs that have both a great beat and/or have completely nasty lyrics. Examples would be “Bette Davis Eyes” if you want to keep it classy or Khia’s “My Neck, My Back” for a downright dirty tune. If you want to get really elaborate, buy your sub an “outfit” for the evening. Check Amazon.com (search “stripper clothes”) for some really inexpensive options. If they don’t know whats coming, the outfit may tip them off, but refrain from giving them any context until you absolutely have to.

  • BDSM submissive made to dance
  • BDSM submissive is made to dance
  • BDSM submissive made to dance

He puts her in chains and makes her dance

Next you can allow the hilarity to ensue. Instruct your sub to perform the best strip tease of their life. If there is a pole then the “best pole dance” and so on. Turn the music on and see what happens. If they act reluctant, you can always have an implement handy such as a crop or a cane to “encourage” them. You can also make it the full stripper experience by having dollar bills to throw on them or put in their panties. If you feel your sub is up for it, you can set up a scenario where they must give someone (best to choose a trusted friend) or yourself a lap dance. Oftentimes this makes even the most brazen of subs shy. Or you can pair two sub together and make one give the other a lap dance. Once again, as with any scene, the options are endless!

As I mentioned before, the goal with this scene is to put your sub in a great headspace through humiliation and/or exhibitionism. You can go a dozen other directions from there or even have a different goal in mind. Through my personal experiences with this scene my play partners have expressed mortification, humor, sexual freedom and more. Make sure to do a post scene chat with your partner to learn what their experience was like.

Happy stripping!

Writer, photographer, hedonist, Dom. After years of at-home BDSM, Dexx finally embraced the kink community and met many fantastic fellow kinksters in the scene. Along the way, it occurred to him that it would be just super if there was a magazine-style web site which catered to people interested in BDSM, and he recruited some of his friends to help create it.

  • BDSM submissive made to dance like a stripper
  • BDSM submissive made to dance like a stripper
  • BDSM submissive made to dance like a stripper

Cece is made to dance for her Master

Tagged With: scene, scene ideas, stripper

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