Review

Communication is a tricky beast.  You can’t communicate your feelings with someone else if you haven’t taken the time to process them and be honest with yourself.

I say again for the people in the back:  you can’t be honest with a partner or partners if you lie to yourself.

We have strange relationships with feelings in our society.  We like to believe some feelings are bad, and that we need to stop having them.  The truth is, feelings are just that:  feelings.  They aren’t right or wrong, they just are.  By giving ourselves permission to have feelings rather than trying to stamp them down, we leave room to explore the roots of those feelings and work towards emotions we find more pleasurable.

This is where the honesty with self comes in.

Let’s take a look at jealousy.

We tend to look at jealousy as a negative emotion.  People get a little uppity when they talk about it:  well, I’m not a jealous person.  The thing we forget is that jealousy can help us.  It is much like a weather vane before a storm.  It can tell us that some need isn’t being met.  Sometimes that need is emotional security.  Sometimes it is a need unrelated to the relationship in question, such as a need for more general positive attention, perhaps at work, or a need for more balance at home if there is a great deal of unrest or turmoil.  Being able to recognize and explore the root of jealousy when it occurs can help us find better solutions to create relief.

I hate to go there, but when looking at this next negative emotion, sadness, the movie Inside Out is actually pretty great.  Sadness can help motivate us, and help bond us with our friends, partners, and chosen family.  Taking the time to explore the reasons we are sad, such as fear of loss, can help point us in other directions for healing.  Anxiety can have similar function.  I was able to explore my own anxieties to uncover fear of abandonment.  Although working through that fear has been a painful process rather than a quick, easy fix, finding and soothing some of those old wounds has ultimately improved my overall happiness and satisfaction.

The first thing we need to do when faced with a negative emotion is stop and remind ourselves it is okay to have those feelings, though we don’t want to bathe in them and exacerbate the problem.

Once we have taken a moment, a breath, we can ask ourselves why we think we are feeling those things.  While understanding the surface cause is important, since that sparked the emotion, it is also important to dig a little deeper.

Without taking the time to truly understand ourselves, there is absolutely no way to communicate what we need to a partner.

I have used the example of the Marvel movies before as one of the few rules in our relationship.  Early on, my Daddy and I couldn’t schedule time to go see Thor:  The Dark World with each other.  He made plans to go with friends opening night.  Afterwards, I realized how much it meant to me that we take that time and go see those movies together.  It wasn’t instantaneous, though.  I didn’t just realize I was experiencing jealousy the moment he arrived home.  It came in stages, as the preview came on while we were sitting together over the next couple of weeks.  Once I finally realized it was bothering me, I had to understand why.  It was something I saw as special that related back to childhood things that I needed to acknowledge as part of my foundation.  Once I understood myself, I was able to sit down with him and express those feelings in a way that made me feel heard without coming across as hurtful or blaming.

But that’s another story!

Until then, the next time you find yourself struggling with negative emotions, remember to stop, take a moment to reflect, and if necessary, let your partner or partners know that while you have some things to share, you need to spend some time processing where your emotions are coming from.

And good luck!

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

I’ve tried to write this piece before.  Unfortunately, it is hard to talk about things which upset us when we are still emotional.  So this took some time.

We all have ex-people.  Maybe it is an ex-friend, an ex-play partner, an ex-lover, spouse, whatever.  Some relationship stopped moving forward for all of us and we walked away or were left behind.  Maybe we get along fine with our exes or maybe the split was hostile enough that we avoid them.

It may compound the issue if you have some communication challenges with one another.  Perhaps you both struggle to find harmony in their feelings of being wronged, whatever the situation may have been.

We all do so enjoy being the good guy.

Childish behavior may occur.  Staring across the room, deliberate ignoring, even some grouping with friends may happen.

If the other person has been part of their local scene longer, it can feel like an uphill battle.  It might be tempting to walk away, particularly when spotting that person’s name on a Fet event that you’d like to attend.  When people have a lot of friends in their local scene can feel as if they hold the advantage in social situations.

I tend to be a little nervous around people.  As someone for whom big gatherings are a bit scary anyhow, it would be easy to give up on my local scene after having a partnership dissolve.  Whether a casual play relationship that ended in hard feelings or a romantic one that did, the temptation exists to just avoid local events.

Our city is a big place, and Daddy and I have limited time.  You won’t see us at three events every weekend.  You might see us twice a month.  Tops.

When there are groups for submissives, switches, tops, spankos, swingers, book readers, poly people, gamers, short people, littles, primals, and any number of other special interests, plus several larger groups to choose from, one would think it would be easy to safely avoid attending the same things as people we’d prefer to avoid.  We often choose to attend larger events for the classes offered or because our schedules don’t always make attendance at the special interest events possible.  Unfortunately, larger events mean a higher likelihood of having that awkward moment when I hear the person I didn’t want to see standing directly behind my back and very loudly talking but pretending to ignore my presence.

So as someone who had a hard time joining the local scene in the first place, I find moments like that hideous and hurtful.  I also find them good reasons to arrive early and leave early.  Like, thanks for the spanking, it was fun, hate to spank and run, but I have to work in the morning, or some such.

There is one group I can safely say I will never attend now, since my instinct is to avoid awkwardness rather than to court it.  Others I will have to really want to learn what they have scheduled or have plans with friends to find it worth driving across town.  Knowing the possibility exists that I will spend the whole event feeling uncomfortable, it makes me less inclined to drive 45 minutes to and from and pay a cover charge for the experience.

So all of that makes it tempting to just let them have it all.  Let the exes and broken relationships keep the parties and the people.  We already have our own group in a slightly different area, and have a lot of fun together.  We don’t need play parties to enjoy the company of other kinksters.

But we refuse to give up our community.  We may not be as well known, but we also haven’t done anything to deserve not being included.  We will persevere.  Daddy and I will continue to go to events when they have educational opportunities we desire (when we can schedule them).  We will go and say hello to friends, perhaps making some new ones.  He will hold my hand and remind me that one person doesn’t own the local scene, and we have as much right to be there as anyone else.

And when perseverance needs a break, we’ll enjoy the group we’ve built, a small family in its infancy.

Because our ex doesn’t own our local scene.

Neither does yours.

Note:  This is in reference to regular relationships dissolving rather than consent violations or predators in the scene.

We all understand that we are imperfect creatures.  Whatever this mysterious “perfection” is, it is nothing attainable by humans.  Our art will not be exactly symmetrical, our live music will be flawed in some manner, and even our bodies are not reflective from one half to the other.

Yet we find beauty in symmetry, both in nature and in each other.  We hold up examples of humans who are more symmetrical as a standard of attractiveness.  We seek their perfection.

Yet it cannot truly be found.

Just so, none of us are examples of perfection in temperament.  We will make mistakes, have lapses in judgement, and even simply have bad days.  That shows in all of our relationships.

For me in particular, I see Daddy’s imperfections handled with so much honesty and integrity that it makes me admire Him even more.

When we began our journey together, we had a serious conversation about mistakes, about accidents.  What we do has risk and holds danger, and we don’t ever treat that lightly, despite our occasional silliness or playfulness.  We understand that the longer we play together, the closer our chances get to 100% probability of an incident.

In fact, we have had issues.  There have been scenes between us when we didn’t quite find our rhythm and things felt off, often due to outside stressors or influences.  Earlier on, we tripped hidden land mines from my prior negative experiences which induced a panic attack.  We have had two of those, one not scene-related, and happily it has been over a year since the last.

He takes responsibility for His part in problems, and doesn’t believe that His role in our relationship as Leader gifts Him with magical infallibility or perfection.  When something goes wrong, whether during physical play or just in an emotional sense, He owns His part.

He has gifted me with high standards.

I see the honor with which He composes Himself, and when I interact with others who do not maintain those standards, I struggle.  I struggle with them as people and with them as community members or leaders.  My issues come with people who do not seem to hold themselves to values of right and wrong.  My issues come with people who seem to make our community into high school cliques.  My issues come with those it seems must believe in their rightness to the exclusion of all else.  My issues come with those who lie and still call themselves great communicators.  I struggle with those who do not welcome newcomers to our world, those who are the Gatekeepers of Kink, mocking instead of helping.

I see those characteristics in so many people.  To me, they seem to stand firm on the hill upon which they have chosen to make their stands and will not be moved.

Is part of the issue that those nobler behaviors exist in them and I just don’t see them?  They can be easy to overlook when they don’t conform to my personal view of honor.  When we see people online, or even in public, we only see snapshots, small moments in time.

I have a very black or white mentality in some areas.  Perhaps that leaves me as the judgmental one, the one with the glaring flaws, looking down upon perfectly good and kind folk I have judged based upon one moment of interaction I witnessed or experienced.

Me?

I just want to be a good person, to my partner and to everyone else I encounter.  Is that what I show others?  Am I living up to my own expectations?

We all want to live up to our own ideals.  Perhaps I need to accept the humanity in others rather than expecting them to live up to mine.

After all, we are one community, united in kink, whether we all like one another or not.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

I see educational posts about STI’s every now and again.  I think that education is excellent.  While I’m no expert, I think the current method of showing video slides of worse-case outbreaks is the kind of public information that can really hurt people.  Yes, that’s what my now-21-year-old reported as his sex-ed from high school.

So my main concern when reading such educational material is the lack of information in them (and elsewhere!) regarding the intersection of a supressed or deficient immune systems and potential increased risk for STI’s.

After asking some curious questions and finding very little information, I hit up “teh googles.”

I should probably start with some background.

My partner, my Dominant, my Master, my Daddy, my love without end which encompasses my being, is immunosuppressed from an organ transplant many years ago.  What this means for us:  when people have sniffles or sick kids, even when they may not present visible symptoms, he can end up with a worse-than-average childhood disease that he shouldn’t be able to contract past age six.

In the most recent event, that specific disease was viral, and fortunately ran its course in a normal time frame.  Unfortunately, the effects were on the severe end of the scale during its run and he still experiences the fallout even months later.

Other times it is as simple as a coworker coming in to work with a cough, and him fighting bronchitis for the next six to eight weeks, usually with multiple courses of antibiotics required.

Even dental work can require preventative antibiotics for him, and simple cuts must be watched closely to be sure they heal properly.

Why is this relevant in a Kink-related discussion?  Multiple reasons.  We interact with immunodeficient individuals more often than we realize.  Having diabetes or auto-immune diseases, being an organ transplant recipient or HIV positive are all examples of ways someone can have a compromised immune system, though some may have a more obviously extreme effect than others.

It means my partner and any other immunocompromised individual is at risk any time they attend an event if someone is attending who is carrying airborne germs.  Obviously, that likelihood increases when they directly interacts with someone who is contagious, but as long as a virus is capable of being transmitted in active form, it has the potential to infect.

If an infection is transmitted via blood, such as a nick or scratch, my partner is at a much higher risk than someone with a healthy immune system.  This makes casual play very ill-advised for him, particularly in a public venue where he is more exposed, meaning his play tends to be limited to close friends he has spent a great deal of time getting to know.

It also takes casual sex off of the table.  While there are transmissible STI’s which are curable, his immunosuppressed status makes it more likely that he would experience side effects which are more severe than the average person’s.  They also mean he would be fighting them off much longer.

STI’s which are not curable are an even bigger threat.  Transplant patients who have caught HPV have experienced such extreme constant outbreaks that one reported having to have the growths lasered off yearly.  When her medications were adjusted and she seemed to be improving, her body began to reject her transplanted organ.  Her choice is to live with a condition which limits her sexual pleasure and feelings of self worth, or risk death again in attempts to combat the infection.  According to her interview, she was contemplating complete removal of her outer labia as a possible solution.

While I was unable to find any additional accounts of individuals with other lifelong STI’s, given the potential risk to an immunodeficient individual, the kink world presents significant hazards.  This is not to say that these risks do not exist outside of kink, merely that we, as practitioners, have things which must be taken into account when dealing with others.

Individuals who are at risk need to inform partners at the outset, so that proper precautions can be taken.  While some STI’s are only transmitted via bodily fluids, HPV can be transmitted simply by contact with the genital area, and condoms will not protect from infection.  This makes it all the more important for individuals who are positive for STI’s to disclose this information and allow partners to make informed decisions.  In some cases there is much less risk when dealing with those who have healthy immune systems than with someone who immunodeficient.

Honesty.  Integrity.  Understanding.

Part of what we do in the BDSM community is risk assessment.  Understanding that some individuals have different requirments when assessing risk for interactions is just as important as being to make compassionate, understanding and informed decisions about potential partners.

Source material:

Genital Warts, HPV, and Immunosuppressive Therapy – STD Interviews

https://youngwomenshealth.org/2017/03/29/sexual-health-and-solid-organ-transplant-recipients/

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

There is a long-lasting standoff in the BDSM about monogamy versus polyamory.  Some people who prefer monogamy feel pressured into polyamorous models by their partners, and some who prefer poly structures can be pressured into monogamy.  Based on my observations, these attempts usually end badly.  When resentment is a key component in a relationship, it deteriorates.  It cannot improve without banishing that resentment, and some fundamental differences have no healthy compromise.  Fundamental differences in monogamy vs polyamory are one of those areas.

To be clear, I beleive neither the superior model.  One does not have to belittle an opposing view to accept that it may work better for some people.  For me, polyamory is a more natural fit, but that does not make it inherently better.  It does, however, still require as much, if not more work, than monogamy (which is not an excuse for monogamous folks to slack on communicating).

There are myriads of ways to structure poly relationships.  If you talk to four long-term practitioners of polyamory, you will likely hear four different relationship models.  The important part is making them work for the participating individuals.

Polyfidelity is an offshoot of polyamory.  It generally references a group of people who are only intimate with a closed group.  It could be a triad formation, or a closed quad, but the thing in common is that they are sexually fidelitous within an agreed upon and limited number of people.

Polyfidelity can have its own unique challenges.  Some practitioners of polyamory scoff at those who practice polyfidelity, seeing them merely a step above those who practice monogamy, when in truth, we can all learn from one another.  Those views can make it difficult to find as much support from the poly community as others do.

Additionally, those relationships can have their own inherent set of complications.

Imagine, if you will, a triad.  Often these are composed of a couple and a third who has become an addition.  We will also, for the sake of argument, imagine that they have overcome the hurdles of prioritizing and avoided hierarchical polyamory, making everyone feel equally valuable within their structure.

Living situations become a challenge.  As long as all three are making time for one another in various ways, such as P1 and P2 spending time separately from P1 and P3, and P2 and P3 schedule time, things can run a little more smoothly.

But what happens when P1 and P2 are nesting partners (living together) and the third doesn’t get as much time?

This can lead to that person not getting needs met in some key areas:  time; attention; physical intimacy; etc.  By setting up ground rules which will allow P3 to get those needs met in other ways, with other partners, whether it be for impact play, cuddles, or other intimacy, it can ease some of those problems.  If that partner insists upon having their needs solely met by P1 and P2 it can cause inequalities or if P1 and P2 believe it okay to demand they be the only ones to fill those needs, resentments will build.

The same can happen in polyfidelitous quads, which I have often seen occur in two compatible couples.  These couples have a partner to meet a portion of their needs from the beginning, but still want their other needs met as well, and balancing that among four can be a scheduling challenge (I recommend a calendar app).  It can also set up some guilty feelings and feelings of jealousy about the way partners are connecting with others, and those feelings need to be addressed.

M/s and D/ s relationships can often be confused for being naturally polyamorous, though this does not have to be the case.  Some people who have been part of the Kink Community for extended periods choose one partner and one alone.  Others choose to have a structure where one Master or Dominant has more than one submissive or switch, who may or may not be emotionally or sexually involved with one another.

Ultimately, while my preference is non hierarchical kitchen table polyamory, each polycule has to find its own way and create the dynamic which works best for them.  As a community, I see our role as supporters, nurturers who share experiences and learn from one another rather than telling anyone they are doing it wrong.  We always have room to grow and room to learn in every new experience and partnership.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

I am often inspired by snippets of conversation or a phrase, which once uttered, drive my brain in circles until I chase the thought to its completion.  This time, Daddy and I were talking about successful relationships.

Superbowl being a thing, I laughed that if we were talking sports, my stats would be pretty terrible.  Of the more serious relationships in my lifetime of more than a few months, I’m looking at a success rate of one in eleven.

If I worked professionally, I’d have been fired for those numbers.  One sale out of eleven?  One completed pass?  Those are terrible stats.

Yet for some reason, that one successful, healthy relationship qualifies me to share my experiences.  I struggled to understand why.

Somehow failure, which is seen as a negative in so many different areas, has been a force for good when it comes to relating to others.  Our missed opportunities and relationship bloopers have become the foundation for future success.

When we, as social creatures, first begin dating, often we don’t know what we want in relationships.  They are simply motivated by mutual attraction.  It us only when something doesn’t work well that we can take that lesson forward.  A rejection.  A failed relationship.  These become our teachers.

Perhaps the failure can be attributed to jealousy.  The next time you resolve to seek a partner with the knowlege that you need someone with healthier understandings of interpersonal relationships and better self-esteem.

As we continue to fail, our relationship requirements become more finely tuned.  Perhaps broad categories are no longer specific enough.  Wanting a good communicator becomes wanting someone who can be a good communicater under pressure.  We hone the skills we desire to see in others in ourselves.

Learning more about what we want in our partners isn’t the only benefit to failed relationships.  When we fail, if we are honest, we spend some time attempting to examine our own part in that failure.  Did I prioritize this partner highly enough?  Did I schedule time with them in ways that helped them feel important or loved, or was I caught up in my life and my needs?  Was I an effective communicator, or did I hold things in I probably should have discussed with them?  Being able to honestly answer those questions helps us become better partners the next time we try.

I used to believe that a failed relationship required two (or more) people making mistakes in order to be unsuccessful.  As I have grown and progressed, I have come to understand that sometimes one partner can communicate and do the right things, and not have that reciprocated in the relationship.

It can be particularly difficult to feel as though you are communicating only to have it interpreted in ways you did not intend.  It is the classic:  no, you don’t look fat in those pants statement only to have the recipient receive that to mean they look fat in the shirt instead.  Sometimes we have to learn to speak the languages of our partners, which may mean adapting our own style.  These adaptations require being open to listening to the needs of those around us, and working towards better understanding.  Unfortunately, they can also mean that should that relationship end, we have learned a foreign language we may never use again in that dialect.  At least those lessons can remain part of how we learn to better interact with future partners.

My partner reminds me that my stats start to look more impressive when we remember that some haven’t found their success yet.  Perhaps they’ve had small successes or ones which seem successful, only to find later that those things were, in fact, more lessons to be learned along the way.  However we choose to view it, the important thing is that we continue to grow in our relationships and find opportunity to learn in all of these moments in life.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.