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Relationship Stats

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I am often inspired by snippets of conversation or a phrase, which once uttered, drive my brain in circles until I chase the thought to its completion.  This time, Daddy and I were talking about successful relationships.

Superbowl being a thing, I laughed that if we were talking sports, my stats would be pretty terrible.  Of the more serious relationships in my lifetime of more than a few months, I’m looking at a success rate of one in eleven.

If I worked professionally, I’d have been fired for those numbers.  One sale out of eleven?  One completed pass?  Those are terrible stats.

Yet for some reason, that one successful, healthy relationship qualifies me to share my experiences.  I struggled to understand why.

Somehow failure, which is seen as a negative in so many different areas, has been a force for good when it comes to relating to others.  Our missed opportunities and relationship bloopers have become the foundation for future success.

When we, as social creatures, first begin dating, often we don’t know what we want in relationships.  They are simply motivated by mutual attraction.  It us only when something doesn’t work well that we can take that lesson forward.  A rejection.  A failed relationship.  These become our teachers.

Perhaps the failure can be attributed to jealousy.  The next time you resolve to seek a partner with the knowlege that you need someone with healthier understandings of interpersonal relationships and better self-esteem.

As we continue to fail, our relationship requirements become more finely tuned.  Perhaps broad categories are no longer specific enough.  Wanting a good communicator becomes wanting someone who can be a good communicater under pressure.  We hone the skills we desire to see in others in ourselves.

Learning more about what we want in our partners isn’t the only benefit to failed relationships.  When we fail, if we are honest, we spend some time attempting to examine our own part in that failure.  Did I prioritize this partner highly enough?  Did I schedule time with them in ways that helped them feel important or loved, or was I caught up in my life and my needs?  Was I an effective communicator, or did I hold things in I probably should have discussed with them?  Being able to honestly answer those questions helps us become better partners the next time we try.

I used to believe that a failed relationship required two (or more) people making mistakes in order to be unsuccessful.  As I have grown and progressed, I have come to understand that sometimes one partner can communicate and do the right things, and not have that reciprocated in the relationship.

It can be particularly difficult to feel as though you are communicating only to have it interpreted in ways you did not intend.  It is the classic:  no, you don’t look fat in those pants statement only to have the recipient receive that to mean they look fat in the shirt instead.  Sometimes we have to learn to speak the languages of our partners, which may mean adapting our own style.  These adaptations require being open to listening to the needs of those around us, and working towards better understanding.  Unfortunately, they can also mean that should that relationship end, we have learned a foreign language we may never use again in that dialect.  At least those lessons can remain part of how we learn to better interact with future partners.

My partner reminds me that my stats start to look more impressive when we remember that some haven’t found their success yet.  Perhaps they’ve had small successes or ones which seem successful, only to find later that those things were, in fact, more lessons to be learned along the way.  However we choose to view it, the important thing is that we continue to grow in our relationships and find opportunity to learn in all of these moments in life.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Communication: All The Moments

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Communication, communication, communication.

We hear that word so much in the Kink Community it is a wonder we aren’t all sick to death of talking about talking.  The problem is, do we really talk about it?  Do we really teach others how to do it?  Or do we, instead, say the word and assume that is enough?  You have to communicate better.  Lesson learned.  Why didn’t I think of that?

I took piano lessons as a kid.  I studied for five years.  I would dutifully go home and practice whatever I had ploddingly banged out in my lesson, repeating songs over and over, going back to the beginning if I made a mistake.

The beginnings of my songs were always spectacular.  The ends, not so much.

In college I took piano lessons again.  After a couple of weeks my professor stopped me.

“How are you practicing?” he asked.

I looked at him in confusion.  Obviously I was playing the song.

After pulling details out of me about my practice habits, he clarified his expectations of practice.  I was to review individual sections when I had trouble, repeating them until my muscle memory engaged the corrections.  Only then would I put the completed parts together and play the piece from the beginning.  According to him, I had never practiced before, not really.  But then, no one had ever taken the time to frame their expectations of my practice time.  What I had done instead was to just play songs.  With his assistance, my playing became that much stronger.

The same lesson applies to communication.  If no one ever breaks down how we should communicate and only says that we should, we are left to puzzle out the method ourselves, and will fully believe any conversation should qualify.

It begins with honesty.  First honesty with oneself, for without that, you cannot be honest with another.  This isn’t the kind of honesty about casual details, such as where you grew up and your elementary school best friend’s name.  This isn’t even the kind of honesty that comes when we talk about past trauma, though that is extremely important.  Often, that honesty is mistaken for a much more rare kind.

The kind of honesty that it really starts with is the ability to share feelings and express them in words in a kind way.  It is one thing to be able to share feelings when they explode out, but completely different to be able to have those conversations when they can happen before resentments pop up.  This may sometimes mean talking through an issue more than once until all stress points are resolved.

Just as important as being able to communicate those feelings, is an ability to listen and process without deflecting.  We have a tendency to take things personally, and feelings are often mistaken as attacks.  For example, a situation came up with my Daddy when I was extremely jealous.  He had gone to see Thor the Dark World with some friends, and I hadn’t been able to attend due to scheduling issues.  We hadn’t realized that I found Marvel movies to be our special “us” thing, and that while I welcomed company, him seeing it without me was upseting.  I talked to him about my feelings, including the fact that I felt irrational having those feelings, which contributed to my confusion, and we were able to work out a positive compromise for future events in order to deal with what we identified as my needs.

It could very easily gone another way.  Had I become angry and attacked him for my feelings that exchange would likely have been unproductive.  Instead, I discovered a feeling, identified it as such to him, and we calmly discussed it.  Had he responded defensively, it is also unlikely that I would have wanted to continue sharing my feelings with him when future opportunities arose, since I would have learned that those conversations were unproductive.

Both partners are responsible for good communication.  Every time an opportunity arises, they both have to fully participate, once as an active communicator, the other as an active listener.

We have a saying in our house.

Feelings aren’t good or bad.  They just are.

Most of the time they happen without our permission.  Being able to discuss first that a feeling occurred which needs to be shared, and then what its possible root causes are is essential to good communication.  Just like learning a song on the piano, it isn’t just about plowing straight through without attending the problem spots along the way.  It is, instead, about discovering a rough place and taking the time to smooth it before continuing the journey, hopefully with more skill to work through future rough spots with every experience.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

NRE: Sink or Swim

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Photography by Mistress Laurent

NRE.

New Relationship Energy.

Chemically, it is the potent mix of adrenaline and endorphins and and all of the other happy juice that hits first when we first develop attraction to another person, then when that attraction begins to deepen into the first stages of a relationship.  When it hits in a particularly strong iteration, it has a way of sneaking in and pushing the pace of a relationship faster than the people in it may originally intend.

You see, what it is that we do already lends itself to deeper connections than some of us are used to on a vanilla scale.  By being so open about our desires, needs, and sexuality, kink relationships have a tendency to reach a level of intimacy that I would argue is unattainable in what is seen as a societally normative relationship.  Not that there really is any one right way, but if we do this with healthy communication and truly open ourselves to the people around us, when those partner relationships come, we can traverse them with gentle honesty and complete transparency.

The way I see it, a new relationship is a lot like going inner tubing down a river.  We have three choices.  We can push ourselves faster down the river using paddles, possibly courting disaster, we can paddle against the current and get nowhere fast, or we can lie back on our tubes and let the water take us where it will.  I have obviously slanted those statements and made my particular preference clear, but the choice will ultimately be up to each person involved.

Where NRE can be trouble is that it becomes a supercharged paddle in our hand.  We think we can use it to steer, but it tends to have the effect of pushing us further along the river.  Thinking we can still stay on board our tube safely, we race down the river at breakneck speed, stopping only when our tube overturns, is punctured by the sharp rocks which often abound, or we reach calmer waters.

Sometimes the very act of trying to slow that progress can tip our tubes and sweep our cushion of air downstream, leaving us struggling against the current in water where large stones and obstacles are everywhere we turn.  Our overthinking brains get scared by the intensity of the chemical rush and the strength of connections, and the river becomes a waterfall, tipping us over the edge and pummeling the relationship into an early death or simply pushing against the current until the relationship progrssion grinds to a halt.

The trouble can come when the struggle occurs in a one-sided fashion.  When two people are enjoying the flow of NRE, letting the river take them, as they travel hand in hand, and one pulls away to struggle against the current, that is a tough thing.  Often there is little the other person can do to assist with rescue.  If they maintain their connection, they can be strong enough to fight the rapids together.  Alone, each is likely to sink, their pairing yet another that cannot withstand the test of time.

Letting things flow at their own pace is challenging, particularly when that pace is one we haven’t experienced before.  By opening ourselves to let things progress naturally and staying in constant communication about our thoughts and feelings, plus having the starting bonus of strong compatibility in most life areas, my Daddy and I experienced a dramatically accelerated courtship.  We met, formed a D/s relationship and married within the span of six months.  Friends and family outside of the community hesitated to use words like fast and rush, because his prior relationship had been longer than ten years and had not resulted in a wedding.

Our story is not unique.  Often when I see partnerships within the community form, they tend to either deteriorate or solidify quickly.  We have the benefit of knowing first ourselves well enough to be aware of our needs within a partnership, but also the knowlege of the kind of communication it takes to achieve lasting relationships.

If we aren’t sure what that looks like, fortunately, the resources are available in local communities and online.  The people who practice long-term alternative lifestyle relationships are very often willing to share the wisdom they have learned through trial and error, so the rest of us may build upon those strong foundations.

Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love By Helen Fisher, PhD; Henry Holt: February 2004; ISBN 0-8050-6913-5

About the Author
Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

The Benefit of Kik

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KimCums.com

As a female who identifies as a submissive and tends to be a little nervous around new people, joining our local community was a challenging experience.

The first time I went looking for it was back in early 2000.  I had a kinky partner and we were interesting in learning more, but the only advice we could scrape up at the time came in the form of “check for postings or information at your local adult store that sells BDSM gear.”  Well, our kink store had an amazing back room full of leather and cuffs, clothes, clamps, floggers, crops, rope and all sorts of high-quality delights.  You had to know it was there and a staff member had to accompany you if they didn’t know you.  It seemed obvious that they would know where we could find others like us.

Perhaps they did and chose not to share, but more likely, the others who frequented that room besides us didn’t give them that information.  We never saw anyone else back there besides us, but magical new things would appear, like sex swings and tail plugs, and others would be gone when next we’d visit.  We never did find the others.

Fast forward to 2017.  When Daddy sent me out into the great wide world of the internet searching for others, this time I was a lot more successful.  I found Fetlife, which helped me get an idea of what events were offered in our area, and was able to figure out how to meet up with that first munch and progress a little more deeply into our local community.

At first I made individual friends.  I met people at parties and munches and once I found a female (because kinky male strangers still made me very nervous) I could converse and relate with, I’d focus on that person and build the beginnings of a friendship.  I wasn’t interacting with my community yet much through my writing, and it felt very peripheral.

Once I started writing more of my journal entries online, I began engaging with the online Kink Community a little more actively, though I still held them at a distance in my life.  At some point, the exhibitionist in me blended with the helpful parts, and my writing became more personal.  I began predominantly using Fetlife as my social media of choice.  I found that the conversations I wanted to have and the interactions I desired could occur there, when places like Facebook still struck me as more disingenuous, with sugar-coated moments in time preserved for internet eternity.

But it wasn’t until I began using chat apps that I really connected with the community and made it my family.

The first instance was with three other women I admire, and while our chat had a specific purpose, we found that we often allowed personal and kink-related conversation to be an equal part in it, really helping to bond us all together.  I began learning from them, and as I shared myself with them, I believe they also learned from me.  I felt connected in a way that I hadn’t before, but since none of them were local, it still limited our interactions.

I found even more community when a nearby friend began a Kik chat with a vetted group of other local community members.  The formation of that group was such a positive experience.  Every member is personally vetted by chat leaders so that everyone can feel safe sharing as much or as little as they are comfortable with, up to and including photos.  As people began to interact with one another, small plans for play began to form.  Negotiations happened, sometimes in the group, sometimes separately.  The group policed itself and kept members safe.  People could experiment and make plans to play together at group events.  It was amazing and inspiring to watch.

I attended some community events, not just for this group, buy with other external groups, and discovered I was running into people from this chat rather frequently.  I found myself in awe of this organic creation.  Somehow this group had managed to overcome my introvert tendencies and I felt comfortable when attending events with them.  This was a completely new level of immersion in the community.  I found myself less engaged with online kink, but would not miss a day of checking in with the group.

I think for people looking for local friends, mentors and partners, these kinds of chat groups provide opportunities to learn from others.  I absorbed so many helpful things from members who had experience in things I hadn’t yet done to help me play more safely.  They helped me meet friends who have ended up at our Thanksgiving table and increased my comfort level at opening our home to small events.

I don’t know how many local community groups utilize these apps in those ways, but I can certainly say they have made a huge impact on my personal journey.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

There Are Two Kinds of People

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Model: Domina Mara
Taken by: Domina Mara

Have you ever read the book before watching the movie and been disappointed because it wasn’t what you hoped?

Perhaps you saw one despite bad reviews figuring you’d try it anyhow and were pleasantly surprised by how much better it was than you heard?

Our prior expectations can truly color an experience.  By having high expecations or waiting for certain elements and not receiving them we can almost ensure disappointment.  By approaching an event with lowered expections and having it turn out positively, we have a much better opinion of the event than had we gone in with our preconceived notions dial turned the other direction.

Daddy and I met on a vanilla dating site.  I honestly had no clue what I was doing there.  I hadn’t dated in eighteen years and I had no idea what to expect.  I signed up, wrote some things about myself, posted a professional head shot, and started poking around.  I was quite innocently naive.

It turns out that having no expectations was an excellent foundation for online dating.  I did not expect preferential treatment as a single female.  I approached men whose profiles interested me, generally for what they had to say and how they said it rather than for their physical appearances, though I confess I found Daddy quite adorable in his pictures.

In discussing some of this later, I understood that while I spent two days online dating, his year of it colored his opinions a bit more.  “There are two types of people on dating sites,” he told me.

The first type is like I was.  They approach online dating with an open mind, or a positive outlook.  They write profiles talking about what they are looking for in a partner and what experience they desire to have.  These people share parts of themselves in the hope that it speaks to others who are like-minded.

The second type is the opposite.  These are people who have either had negative experiences or allow their outlook to tip into the negative.  Their profiles have lists of what they aren’t looking for and what they don’t want.  They form invisible walls of barbed wire around themselves to keep the unpleasant things out.  Sometimes these walls keep out things they might have enjoyed or people they might have wanted to meet, had they only given those things a chance.

I see the exact same thing on kinky social media.  Fetlife hosts our profiles, and what do we see?  Some of the profiles talk about the positive.  They list things they are interested in.  They discuss ways they do or desire to connect with their community. Unfortunately, many of the people writing profiles have had negative experiences or are letting fear take control.  Theirs shout out the opposite.  Don’t message me.  I won’t do this.  I won’t try that.  These are my limits.

I get it.  I was there.  My dating site profile may have been open, but my kink menu was a limited breakfast engagement.  In negotiating my first BDSM encounter with my Daddy, we spent several days going over a list of options.  My initial responses to so many of the items were negative.  I wasn’t even willing to try many of them because I had decided with either minimal or no experience that I wouldn’t like them.

Isn’t that how some of us approach many aspects of life?

It took a lot of trust for me to transition from a column of “don’ts” into a place of excitement and interest in experimentation.  I think there is a huge correlation in whether we present ourselves in a negative and closed off fashion or an open one and how welcoming and willing we are to experiencing the flavors of kink that are available to try.

A year and a half ago I could not have imagined a version of myself who would willingly disrobe in public venues to try things like mummification, a violet wand and caning.  That person did not exist within me yet.  I had preconceived notions of all of those things, and I imagined them in such a negative way, it is unlikely that my response could have been positive.

Yet recently I had an opportunity to sample a larger menu than I had previously allowed myself.  By watching and being open to experiencing a small taste, I easily discovered three new things I enjoyed immensely, all on the same night.  Had I remained fearful and closed off, those experiences could not have occurred.

By taking on the personal motto that I refuse to allow fear to keep me from having experiences, I have pushed past overwhelming terror into amazing memories.  I can now tell stories of swimming with turtles and manatees in my vanilla life and experiencing some pretty darn cool play in my kinky life.

How many of us still let fear frame our narratives?

In writing those dating website profiles, are we shutting down possibility or seeking the things we know we like, open to other new things?

On our kinky social media are we open to helping others learn and grow, to sharing our knowledge and discovering new things, or are we so busy avoiding things we thing we won’t like that we shut down possibility?

How we each approach possibility is ultimately our own choice, and we should be careful who we trust with these experiences.  In the end, however, I encourage everyone out there to consider things you didn’t before, even if all you do is watch someone else’s experience.

After all, how else do we really taste all that this world has to offer if we limit our palates to bread and water?

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Trust and Kink

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We talk a great deal about consent in the kink community, as we should, however, I fear we sometimes do so at the the expense of other important aspects of a healthy kink relationship. In this article I want to go beyond consent and explore the role of trust in D/s dynamics.

We are going to explore it from two perspectives, that of the responsibility of the Top to be trustworthy and the reciprocal responsibility of the Bottom to be trusting.

Trustworthy tops make trusting bottoms

Trust is the solid foundation upon which a kink relationship may be built, it is what lets us explore further, take risk and be able to be our complete selves with another person. Being open about our kinks can make us very vulnerable and we take an additional risk with every new revelation. When our partner reveals a new kink to us they may be battling against every voice that has ever told them they won’t be accepted. As the Top we have to be the calm voice of acceptance, gently teasing out of them what they want. We must build ourselves in their mind as such a figure of authority that we can counter all those negative voices. Our partners must trust us more than fear the spectres of their own imagination.

When someone has enough trust in us to reveal a desire we must respect that and act to encourage further trust. Even small things are important, because it is only if we can be trusted with those little things that we can ever show that we can be trusted with the big stuff. Why would any of us ever reveal a deep kink if our partner responds to our interest in something relatively minor, spanking maybe, with ridicule or disgust?

To do and to be seen to do.

I believe it is not only important to be trustworthy but also to be seen to be trustworthy. We want and need for them to feel that they can come to us with anything. Be active in acting on information they share. If they have taken the risk of revealing something that makes them vulnerable then show them the respect of making the effort of engaging with it, don’t just say they are accepted, show they are accepted. If they say they want to engage in an activity, you be the one to suggest when it could be done.

Given all that I have said I think it is important to highlight that acceptance does not mean we need to engage in every kink our partner expresses an interest in. There are kinks that partners of mine enjoy, and I do not. That certainly doesn’t mean I would ridicule or condemn those kinks. If I am not into them it does not make them wrong. I will say that isn’t a kink of mine, but I always want them to feel safe exploring and enjoying the wholeness of who they are. Just because I do not want to do a certain activity does not mean I don’t want to support them in their right to have an interest in it.

I am lucky enough that even if I don’t enjoy an activity I probably know someone who does, and who is very good at it. Within the dynamics of my relationship I can encourage a partner to explore their kinks with others. The key here is encouragement, acceptance and support, even if it is something I am not actively doing with them.

So far everything I have touched upon has been about how we as Tops can respect and encourage trust. However there is an element of trust in D/s relationships that may be overlooked, that of the Top trusting the Bottom to communicate well and to be honest about their needs and wants. If our first step is in making ourselves trustworthy then the second step belongs to the Bottom.

Death by awkwardness

I am sure we have all been trapped in the horrific British awkwardness of the “Where would you like to eat?” “Whatever you would like to.” “Well how about Indian?” “If you would like to.” “Do you want to?” cycle. In thousands of years time archaeologist shall find the mummified remains of many a British couple so trapped in an endless cycle of indecision to the point of death.

Confidence, that is what is needed to break out of this cycle. How do we develop this confidence? It cannot happen in a vacuum, we need our Bottoms to help us, we need to trust them.

Let us explore the British awkwardness cycle of death. Someone desperately needs to make a decisive choice. There are two ways out of this, making a choice when you do not care about the other person’s opinion, or the other when you know them well enough that you feel confident making a choice for both of you. Now the first solution, of not caring, is not one I would entertain at all, and the second means we need confidence.

So where do we derive this confidence from? As with so many things I believe it comes from information.

One honest conversation

I often say to my bottoms that we need to have one honest conversation. Just once I need to have them tell me what they want, how they want it, what their desires are. After that one conversation I can take the lead, I can be confident in knowing what my partner wants.

One of the great tricks in good D/s is the Tops pretending that we are big bad Doms who do just what we want all the time and the poor Bottom is helpless. We can keep this up if we feel confident that the information we are working with is accurate and honest. I would feel terrible if I set up a big scene based on what I thought were a Bottoms likes and desires, only to find out afterwards that they hadn’t enjoyed the scene. That might make me hesitate, question my every action in future and that in turn has a knock on effect on the confidence my Bottom might have in me. We may even get sucked back into the British awkwardness cycle of death. “Is it okay to spank you?” “If you would like to.” “I would like to if you would like to.” and so on ad infinitum.

If I am to pretend to force them, to take on the role of the confident sadist I need to not be double checking everything I do. This means I need to be able to trust my Bottom to have honestly told me what they want. It also means I need to be able to trust them to communicate mid-scene as well. I need to know they will safeword if the need arises.

Finding our feet

It may take us a while to find our feet, to learn what we want from each other in a new relationship. As such it is okay not to know exactly what you want to begin with, just make sure to express that.

The Top needs to be trustworthy from the beginning even as we are learning how we will engage with this new person. The Bottom has the luxury of having time to learn what they want to do. However, once they have they need to remember their Top is not a mind reader, and they have to tell them.

We can only do so much to make ourselves a safe person to confide in, we then need our partners to be honest. We cannot effectively lead with any sort of confidence if we don’t believe our partner. The responsibility for when people act in good faith on false information rests squarely on the shoulders of the one who provided the false information. Bottoms need to be aware of that and accept it when they consider how they communicate with their Tops. There is only so much responsibility we Tops can take on. However that does not absolve us of our responsibility, we are in a position of greater authority and thus our responsibility is greater.

Trust in turn

Trust goes both way. Each of us involved in the relationship might have a greater or lesser role in developing that trust, but we must never forget that while it is Tops who may be supposed to lead it is good Bottoms that make us good Tops.

D/s relationships are filled with nuances of emotional meaning, here revealing a kink is not just saying “I want to do naughty things with you.” it is also saying “I trust you enough to tell you these secrets.” and when we reply by saying “I would like to do those naughty things with you.” we are also saying “I accept who you are, you are safe being who you are with me.”

About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.
https://fetlife.com/users/2976273

How Not To Be Afraid to Top

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There was a huge shake-up within the NYC public scene late 2017 into early 2018. Some big names in the scene were accused of various consent violations, some of them several years old, one after the other. “Pillars” of the (gak) community, as it were. Long time educators and party/convention promoters went down in flames, one by one, almost overnight. The whole thing got very ugly, as we all watched and waited to see who would be next.

While it was going on, I saw a post from a newish top saying they were afraid to be a top because of the “hang ‘em high” atmosphere. There is also a frightening trend of bottoms deciding months, even years later, that something fully consented to at the time is suddenly not. We’ve dubbed it “retroactively withdrawing consent”, and it is a frightening prospect.

That post, and this new trend, prompted this piece.

—————

There are people who point out that we have to have new subs/bottoms at the parties. Okay. Great. I agree.

We also need new tops in order to have a thriving public scene. If the tops are scared away by the prospect of having their name and reputation dragged through the court of public opinion by someone who was fully consenting at the time, who are the bottoms going to play with? It’s a double-edged sword.

There are plenty of “how to be a bottom” discussions. But there’s not very much “how to be a top” that doesn’t disintegrate into “you must aftercare or you’re a BAD TOP!!!” Once that happens, there can’t be any discussion about topping. The entire thread becomes mired in the endless DO TOO!/DO NOT!!! shouting matches that all-too-often just get a discussion closed.

Many people are focused on the poor, ever-innocent bottom and how that big mean top is totally going to violate them the first chance he gets. No one thinks about how a top might have to protect themselves.

As a top, you also have the right to protect yourself from bad situations. This is a candid article, experienced top to new top, about casual/pick up play at a party, and how to implement an ethic that can go a long way toward building and protecting both yourself and your reputation. Is it foolproof? No. I would never say that. But I do believe that having a plan, and sticking to it, is better than traipsing through the scene with no regard for the consequences.

First a few simple truths:

You don’t have to play with any and every bottom who asks you.
I’ve seen it happen to others and it’s happened to me. A bottom bounces up to you and all but demands you play with them. They don’t even ask. “I want a spanking from you” rather than “would you please give me a spanking”, then they have the nerve to get angry if you say no. Hold your ground. If they get angry that you refuse, would you ever want to play with that person? When someone shows you who they are, believe them.


You can refuse to play with anyone at any time.
Even if you’ve made prior arrangements to play, you can change your mind and not play with them when the time comes. If the bottom can back out at any point, so can the top. That shoe fits equally well on both feet.


You don’t have to have any reason other than “I don’t want to”.
If “no” is a full sentence for bottoms, then it’s a full sentence for tops as well. You don’t have to give an explanation if you don’t want to.


No one has the right to guilt or badger you into topping them.
If it’s not okay for a top to guilt or badger a bottom, then the reverse is also true and the bottom has no right to hound you for play either.

Implement a few simple rules and standards for yourself to follow. Below is a list of simple starting points.

  1. Only play with people who know and understand what they are asking for and agreeing to. Make sure their expectations are reasonable. When it’s clear a person doesn’t understand, or their expectations are unreasonable, respond with straightforward language. Ambiguity is your enemy. Be very specific.

Ex: The bottom wants a caning but no marks. That is an unreasonable expectation. Tell them straight up “You’re being hit with a hard stick. If you can’t accept that there will be marks, don’t do impact.”

You don’t know if the bottom marks easily or not. You don’t know how easily they bruise. You can’t know that. You cannot promise no marks. You cannot promise a bruise won’t pop up three days later.

  1. If the bottom is hesitant, or unable, to explain when you question their understanding of what they want, don’t play with them.

This may seem harsh, but we are talking about your personal safety and reputation within your local scene. Even if you don’t play in public, you can still earn a bad reputation if the bottom does attend events and decides to tell the world about your playtime encounter.

Not to mention: If the bottom cannot articulate/communicate appropriately BEFORE play begins, they won’t magically get any better at it once the endorphins start kicking in. Poor communication skills, from either end of the cane, are your enemy.

  1. If they have a habit of making dramatic mountains out of meaningless molehills, don’t play with them.

Does a person gossip about other people all the time? They’ll gossip about you too. If they do it with former partners, they will do it with you. Don’t think for one minute that they won’t.

  1. During play, less is more. Always leave them wanting more rather than regretting they didn’t say stop.

Casual/pick up play with a stranger you’ve never met before isn’t often dom/sub play. It is topping and bottoming and both parties need to be able to say yes and no along the way. Don’t be afraid to ask “do you want (this) or do you want (that), less or more, harder/softer/the same?” Always offer the option to stop right that moment. If it is the bottom’s choice every step of the way, then it’s all consented to. Abide by the answer unless they are hesitant.

What if they are hesitant?
If they hesitate to say yes, then it’s no. Don’t do that thing.
If they hesitate between more or less, then the answer is less.
Err on the side of caution. Always.
You can always play a bit more later on during the event, or another day.

  1. Keep your fingers, mouth, feet, knees, elbows, implements, etc, away from where they ought not be.

You cannot take liberties with someone you have never played with before. It takes time to build the play partner relationship, to learn each other’s signals. That’s not likely to happen during this half hour of play at a very loud party, when you’ve barely talked about the weather let alone your entire sexual and playtime histories.

So if you haven’t asked if they want it (whatever “it” is), then don’t do it. That includes rubbing the butt or shoulder after a series of impact hits. Ask first, before you start play, if that kind of touching is okay. Some do like it. Some don’t. This is not something to assume once you get going.

Assume nothing.

  1. Regarding after care.
    There are those who demand that all tops and doms must absolutely give aftercare to every bottom, no matter what.

I’m here to tell you they are wrong. In my ten years of public play, wailing on dozens and dozens of different people, the only aftercare I’ve ever performed was to put a band aid on someone’s butt.

I don’t do aftercare. All manner of insults are hurled at me online for saying that. At the party, I get a response of “why would there be?” For all the yammering in online forums, there’s remarkably little of it actually happening at the dungeon.

Not all bottoms want anything more than a hug. Some don’t even want that much. If the bottom doesn’t want you to do anything for them when you’re done playing, then trying to force it on them would be wrong.

Some tops require the care from the bottom, which is quite a turnaround from what is generally considered the norm.

Talk about it as soon as the question “wanna play?” is asked. Whether or not there will be any sort of aftercare should be discussed before you even look at implements and decide what is going to be used. It must be agreed upon from the start. If the bottom wants something you’re not willing to do, or you want the care but the bottom isn’t willing to do what you need, then there’s no point in discussing what type of play will be had.

  1. If you, as the top, have ANY doubts, don’t even start to play.

    Listen to your gut and err on the side of caution. Always.

Watch how people play and behave. I have made decisions about bottoms I won’t play with just watching how they interact with others when asking for play or during a scene.

There’s always another party, another time.

  1. There is a temptation to go to All The Parties. Don’t.

    It’s downright exhausting to try to attend everything. Not to mention expensive. Hit this party or that party. Keep within the confines of your wallet. Find a place you like, or “like enough”, and establish yourself there.

Become known by the regulars of that venue. Learn the familiar faces and become friendly with some of them. As you gain experience, it’s easier to go with confidence to other venues and events.

As you find your place, find your footing, you might start to relax some of these steps. Or not.

It may also happen that someone close to you finds themselves in hot water, and you end up relieved that you’ve stuck to your personal protocols and standards. You might choose never to relax them.

Only you can decide what is going to be right and best for you.

About the Author

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twenty fiction books that you can find on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can find more of her work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

The Misunderstandings of Littles

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Pure Rebel – https://www.patreon.com/purerebel
The Dark Arts-https://darkestarts.com/

I was still finding myself when I met my Daddy.

Correction.  I hadn’t even begun trying to find the self I had lost when I met him, yet he inspired me to begin that journey.

Along the way, he pointed out to me that I had some of the tendencies of littles.  Having read very little about people who identify that way, but finding those things to be negative, I rejected that possibility for myself.  It was only after I did some more reading and spent some time being honest with myself that I was able to accept that part of me.  I have met others along the way who struggled similarly with their preconceived notions of littles and thus fought against their desires for things such as pacifiers.

I genuinely cannot count the number of times people have become friends of mine and at some point remarked casually at how they hadn’t known someone who was a little before.  They often go on to describe characteristics which are often associated with littles, such as brattiness and childishness, and express distaste with those traits, but pleasure that I am “not like that.”  The conversation usually moves on, leaving me with that hint of sadness that one of my identifiers is so widely misinterpreted.

For a portion of society who preaches about tolerance and not judging one another, I see an awful lot of misconceptions about subgroups in our community.  Perhaps the only experience some has had was with a little in a forum, or seen from across the room at a play party, all in pink stomping a foot and emphatically saying no.  This trend towards treating littles somewhat dismissively tends to hit me hardest where I live, as these things often do.  Rather than seeing those of us who identify in this category as whole, healthy individuals who have embraced their inner child, they are often seen as annoying, with much misconception. However, I see it in the case of “littles,” so let’s talk about us!

There are at least three large categories within the “little” heading.  Littles, middles, and babygirls are often grouped together.  So let’s break it down.

Littles often, but not always, identify that way because they have an age regression.  This can be a state of mind for them which is sometimes situational.  It can sometimes be referred to as little space in discussion.  This age regression is different for every person who experiences it.  Some people will identify an age they feel they regress to, others will have a range.  For the most part littles tend to identify on the lower end of the age spectrum, generally under age 10, taking on characteristics of those age groups.

This may mean your little wants to have a pacifier, or takes comfort in stuffies.  It may mean games of Candyland or coloring.  It could mean Disney movies, a system of reward and punishment, or the endearment good girl being a thrill.  It may mean they do not want sexual contact while in their age regressed state.

It does not mean that people who identify this way are incapable of taking care of themselves.  It also does not mean they act like children all of the time.  There are generally specific things which will trigger age regression for them, and may require them to feel comfortable and safe with the people around them.  That generally doesn’t occur during the work day or with just anyone.

Middles generally identify in the middle of the age spectrum, somewhere from 11 and up.  Again, some may experience age regression and some may not.  They may or may not enjoy some of the more childlike things like coloring and stuffies and may be more open to sexual contact while in this mindset.

Babygirls often do not identify with age regressive experiences, yet strongly desire to fully integrate their inner children with their adult experiences.  They may enjoy some of the same activities that littles and middles do without necessarily needing them or being restricted to one age bracket.

Confusion can come because all three subcategories can exhibit similar outward characteristics.  Individuals identifying in these manners can often project a certain level of naivety or innocence in some form, whether it exists or is simply a projection of childlike innocence.  Generally all three groupings are seeking a Daddy or Mommy relationship with an individual who is often, but not necessarily, older in chronological age and who guides the pairing.  This partnership can provide mentoring in areas which may be less developed in the submissive partner, or simply provide emotional fulfilment.

The important thing to remember when dealing with anyone who identifies in any of these ways is that they are still adults who are perfectly capable of rational and intelligent thought.  They shouldn’t have to hide their identifier out of fear of misconception or ridicule as I have seen some do.  This community should be as inclusive as it claims to be.  We should offer all those we meet an opportunity to educate us about areas of kink we were previously unfamiliar with, and perhaps learn a little about ourselves in return.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Review: Spanker Machine

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Our lives will forever be changed. Tired of getting into fights with your Dom/me for lack of spankings and attention? Fear not, there is a machine that can do the job for you! Before you start rolling your eyes, you NEED to check the Spanker Machine invention out.

This is not a one size fits all type of spanking machine. You can change out the spanking implements with pretty much whatever you want be it a wooden spoon, thin cane, paddle, and more! The machine also has different settings and strengths so you can please even the most timid of subs. I was especially impressed with the “delayed” spanking mode which pauses between spanks or it can lightly press on the spot it just spanked. The machine can be mounted to almost any surface for portable spanking power wherever you go.

I could see this machine as having numerous uses besides pleasing a lonely submissive. Perhaps your dominant is injured or sick but still wants to engage in play or punish you. They can easily set you up for a good spanking. Is your dominant traveling all month? You won’t get out of practice with daily spankings from the spanking machine that you film for your dominants pleasure!

If you can’t get a Spanker Machine delivered to your house, the demo videos are still hilarious to check out. I’d really like to meet the genius behind this gadget. He and Kink Weekly founder Dexx seem to have some devious qualities in common. Happy spanking!

anniebear is a submissive living in Los Angeles. She enjoys writing, modeling for friends, animal rescue, and teaching herself how to cook. You can catch her on Fetlife or Facebook.

anniebear Learns to be a Dominatrix

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A few weeks ago I attended a full weekend, three-day group immersion course on how to become a Dominatrix. The instructors, DommeCraft founder, Simone Justice and co-teacher Mistress Damiana Chi are experienced professional/lifestyle Dominatrices. We could not have been in better hands. If you haven’t heard of DommeCraft, consider it the university level training course for those interested in learning the ins and outs of lifestyle and professional domination. The course includes handouts, homework, live demos, practice demos, feedback, and at the end a graduation with a certificate of completion. If there truly were a legalized, certification course for Domination then DommeCraft would be the leader in the industry.

Damiana Chi and Simone Justice, our instructors for the weekend.
Damiana Chi and Simone Justice, our instructors for the weekend.

I had a lot of nervous feelings in the days leading up to the course. I’ve mostly identified as a submissive and had always been such in my past and current relationships. In the last year or so I’ve been playing around with topping and dominating a few play partners, mostly women. The idea of going to learn from the pros was appealing to me because I thought it would help me gain more confidence and also develop my blossoming skills as a top. My expectations going into the course were completely blown out of the water! While I’d like to divulge every little detail, for the privacy of the other students and also the coursework, I will only cover some of the major highlights.

I arrived at the secret dungeon location on a Friday evening. There was one other attendee already there and we shyly exchanged hellos and a few questions. The dungeon space was amazing. It had everything you would need for a great scene; an open floor plan, high ceilings, bondage equipment and racks. My favorite was a suspended globe shaped cage, perfect for trapping someone inside to prod and tease! Damiana greeted us first and I was slightly intimidated but quickly realized she was an extremely warm and friendly person. In all there were six students. Simone arrived last, in a wheelchair. A sidenote, Simone had recently suffered a broken hip so I thought it was incredible for her to have such dedication and commitment to still come and lead the full weekend class. I’m sure it was extremely exhausting but you would never be able to tell that she had suffered such a terrible injury.

Mistress Simone Justice
Mistress Simone Justice

We quickly got down to business. Simone began the class with everyone introducing themselves. I was surprised at the variety of women in the class. Everyone came from a different background yet managed to have so much in common. It truly was a lovely group of women. Simone lead us through some exercises to familiarize ourselves with each other and to create good energy amongst one another. I’ve never worked in this manner before, but the exercises we did really worked! It made me feel both closer and eager to learn more about the other women. We then sat in a circle and received handouts on the first evening’s lessons. I won’t go into too many details due to the very personal nature of the work we did but suffice it to say it was revolutionary.

The next morning I arrived ready to rock! We dove headfirst into lessons on verbal domination with our partners. We were told that around noon, some demo submissive men would be arriving that we could practice our work on. I was expecting one or two submissives and we would take turns. I was delighted to see that there was more than one submissive per student in the class! This just goes to show the dedication and attention that Simone and Damiana give to providing the best tools in which we could learn. I was extremely nervous to work with actual in the flesh human beings. In the past, I have topped a handful of men and women, but this was an entirely new environment where I would be observed while at the same time practice the lessons. We were given the opportunity to take a submissive through a “preliminary” scene using verbal tactics only. I never realized how much I relied on physical touch. It was definitely a challenge as expressed by some of the other students as well.

We did a recap on how the scenes went and proceeded on to the next lessons. A lot of the specific information we learned is confidential, and only reserved for those in this line of study, however we continued the course with bondage cuffs, collars, leashes, and light impact implements and sensation play. We of course practiced all on our willing submissives, who I think delighted in all of us “baby dommes.” From personal experience, I’ve been a demo bottom before and it is a fun process watching someone discover and explore his or her domination.

Another unique aspect of this workshop was the use of “Goddess work.” I’m unfamiliar with this method, however many of the other students were well acquainted with their Goddesses and which ones they identify with, and requested inclusion of more Goddess elements. Simone changed the class to accommodate and brought in several Goddess statues as well for us to use. As a female Domme, it is important to be able to at least be open to tapping into those who have come before you and the energy derived from not only within but the Goddesses and those around you. I’m still working on grasping these concepts, but it was very powerful.

Day three commenced and was the final and most invigorating day. We observed both Damiana and Simone give full scene demonstrations which was so much fun! They acted as if there were no one else in the room and the intimacy between them and the submissives was incredible. Afterward we got hands on with the demo subs and did a rotation of different implements and domination techniques to try out. Damiana showed us some CBT (cock and ball torture) techniques which included tying up the penis and the balls and then delivering smacks or whatever type of play you wanted to do. I was pretty nervous about this particular technique as it looks super painful. I’ve also never been one to be too handy with rope so the concept never particularly appealed to me. But, I rolled up my sleeves and jumped right in when the time came to try it out! I am pleased to confess that I was able to master the CBT tie quite quickly! Perhaps I have a new calling, haha.

Day three wrapped up very quickly. I missed going to the graduation play party, but I heard it was a fantastic experience to bring together all that we had learned and try out our new skills in a party environment. It was incredible meeting so many wonderful women and also the very dedicated male submissives who assisted. Thank you to Simone and Damiana for a wonderful class. I’m also very eager to attend the “Dommes of DommeCraft” play party, September 2nd, which will have Dominas who have attended past DommeCraft weekend and daylong classes and private lessons with Simone. To join us write Damiana@DamianaChi to apply. Wish me luck!

To find out more about all of the classes offered go to here