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The Great D/s Parent Trap

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As long as I’ve been on my kink journey, I have remained steadfast in one notion: I want to be catered to. I want to be put first and my happiness right next to it. 

I often dreamed of having an equally OCD submissive who could clean my home from top to bottom, maid’s uniform, or panties at the very least, being shown just how I like towels folded and knows the toilet paper needs to absolutely come from the top haha. I dreamed of a submissive who might be as handy as I was around the house, if not more within his own niche market. I often day-dreamed of having on demand service whenever I wanted, however I wanted. This could include a number of things from the very mundane (get my mail each day) to the very kinky (stay mummified and naked in the corner while I admire you). I can fully admit this came from years of “dreaming” of the perfect submissive for me, who would make my life easier in all ways possible. The reality is many of my partners over the years have always needed an emotional/mental/financial leg up, shoulder to lean on or extended support, provided by me. I have spent years interacting with, being courted by, and even sustaining various D/s dynamics with submissives – all of whom I felt I was quite selective about. Yet, I found myself in a position of making their lives easier and not the other way around.

As I’ve said before, I do suffer from RBF but inside I am a soft soul and still try to be thoughtful in my actions. Once you tell me your favorite meal, I will most certainly attempt to learn and perfect it. I even go steps further and will help pick out your attire, remind you to get haircuts, push extra veggies on your plate and talk with you about your hopes and fears, hoping to soothe you if I can. Looking back, I must bear some of the responsibility.

I want to be your Mistress not your Mom.

Sometimes I play the role of ‘Mommy’ a bit too well it seems. Unfortunately many people find themselves in the same situation. Many of my relationships have fallen into the unhealthy behaviors of a parent/child dynamic (not the sexy kind). Which is exactly as it sounds, one adult in the relationship assumes the parent role while the other assumes the child role. This usually is done without malicious intent or awareness from either party until it’s too late.

Many of my previous partners never got up on time, had horrible taste in clothes, forgot appointments or to take their medicine, frequently lost their car keys, or never picked up after themselves — all which annoyed the heck out of me and still do! So, naturally I wrongfully stepped into the parent role. If you parent your partner, you are actually showing him or her a lack of acceptance and a lack of respect.

The “parent” partner typically nags, prods, attempts to control, dictate, scold, and handle most of the overall decision making. Depending on the roles involved, in my experience this can make the submissive men I am with feel emasculated and in turn lead to hurt feelings. Not the effect I am going for as a “Mistress”. Putting yourself in a parental role and putting your partner in a child role is demeaning and actually counterproductive. Your partner will eventually resent you for taking on this controlling (non-BDSM) role, and it will almost certainly severely damage your relationship. Some of these behaviors are more obvious or egregious than others, but they all show a lack of respect for your partner as an adult and your equality in the relationship (even power exchange ones).

It doesn’t make any difference if your partner never gets up on time, has horrible taste in clothes, forgets appointments or to take their medicine, frequently loses the car keys, or never picks up after themselves. If you parent your partner, you are actually showing him or her a lack of acceptance and a lack of respect.

Being a Femdom can sometimes feel like “mothering” a submissive but I didn’t realize how much I was blurring lines between being caring and caring for someone by doing the following:

  • I pick out clothes for my submissives
  • I take on a authoritative tone when speaking most times to my subs 
  • I have put food on my partner’s plate, cut it up (sometimes not for embarrassment purposes) or pestered them to eat all the vegetables on their plate
  • I always pack my and my submissive’s luggage when traveling
  • I have styled my partner’s hair
  • I am always the official reminder person in for medicines, chores, and important dates/time (and often the one to make them!)
  • I am corrective and at times overprotective of my submissives
  • I am often picking up after my submissive and keep track of their belongings like eyeglasses, car keys, or wallet (as they often get lost)

Why do I do all of this? 

Because if I don’t, who will? (Sound familiar doms?)

This isn’t an excuse for a lopsided partnership it’s just how I personally feel when I stop and think about the reason for my actions. I make excuses and come up with worst-case scenarios when I don’t oversee the execution of something. It creates anxiety within me because I’m certain “it won’t be done right,” even if that isn’t the case.

What about the other half of the relationship, how do you identify those markers? Less stress can be an illusion if someone else is overburdened. Are you the child in your relationship, do you…?

  • Hide things from your partner
  • Focus more on having fun than reaching long-term goal
  • Realistically do not carry your share of the workload/responsibility around the house or in general
  • Constantly attempt to turn hobbies into careers
  • Spend money without thinking about the future
  • Think “things will get done/work out eventually”
  • Escape consequences of your sometimes detrimental actions due to your partner’s help
  • These are signs you may be entangled in a parent/child relationship dynamic and not in the sexy Mommy/Daddy-little way. 

This can turn into a battleground in your relationship, where there is no winner if you don’t seek counseling as a couple or address the issues head on. As a femdom, I didn’t realize that I was perpetuating and continuing to stay in these dynamics because it can be subconsciously appealing and seems to fit the D/s roles: the submissive-child gets to do what they want, and the dominant-parent gets to stay in control of everything. 

This scenario is often found in couples who saw a similar pattern at home, although the specific behaviors may be different. Someone escaping into hours of video games each day and avoiding responsibilities may have seen a parent retreat at home in their office to do the same.   The other might do “everything“ within the the home and in general, may have seen a parent who enabled another parent who did less than even their share.  

And it goes without saying this will snuff out any spark you may have had in the bedroom or dungeon. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be with a grown adult who can’t take care of themself. If I have to wash all the clothes, cook all the meals, and do everything for our home, I might as well take care of my own sexual needs too! The thought of living with this overarching dynamic is a huge turn-off, and I can’t imagine being attracted to someone long term if I have to act as a parent toward them. 

The way out of this predicament involves change from both parties (as I’m learning). The long standing “parent” generally has to find fulfillment in something outside of overseeing all that a submissive does, let go of perfectionism, and a need to control at all times. The ‘parent’ role can offer a sense of meaning and purpose to. Or if you’re like me, I often find myself the ‘rescuer’ or caretakers of partners. I imagine this comes from the parenting style I was raised within.

The “child” partner may suffer from emotional immaturity. Such partners tend to ignore their weaknesses and let the other rule over them. Emotional expression and sensitivity that one feels in a relationship are often left underdeveloped. To shift gears, the “child” partner must step up to the plate and do more than they believe they are capable of, pushing themselves into a new mindset of “I can, I must.” If they are submissive, this is where passive service can really help show the other partner that you are truly trying.

Homework for you both

Sit and talk together about the division of chores or responsibilities. Create a calendar and reminders. Let the child partner make mistakes and face real-life consequences of being forgetful or making a wrong decision. Unfortunately many of us learn through real life trial and error.

Outside of a scene there are few who really do enjoy being treated like a child or submissive 24/7 and in the same way, very few want to (or should) dominate 24/7.

Every dynamic is different but you should always focus on helping each other be the best versions of ourselves we can be. Give them advice from time to time, and be ready to receive it. But just because someone is the “dom” and the other is the “sub” does not mean micromanaging and “parenting” is needed. It also means it’s not all one partner’s job to handle all real life/grown up issues. Acknowledge each other’s part in this situation and consider changing your approach or reaction. Be as direct as possible and avoid passive aggressiveness. This cuts out all the BS of vagueness. Try and talk it out or even turn it into a funishment (I once replaced an submissive’s oreo cookies with toothpaste because he always left it out and in the sink), this helped curb the occurrences.

Lastly, I know it seems difficult if you are in the midst of this but you’re a team. Work together to solve this, figure out, and work toward your ideal partnership. Be respectful to each other no matter which role you have been playing. Vow to do better so that you both feel fulfilled in what you’re creating together. Personal autonomy still matters in all levels and varieties of relationships from dating to marriage to play partners or full time D/s.

Wouldn’t you agree that everyone deserves an equal partner in love?

About the Author

d20domme is unapologetically kinky after over 10 years in the community. She is known as pint-height, poly(androus), plus-size, POC, 24/7 Femdom who knows what she wants and will use her craft in mindfuckery and persuasive viper tongue to get it. Her main kink is normalizing kinky lifestyles across the board and thus she can often be found writing on her blog From Mundane To Mistress, chatting away on podcasts, teaching classes, demos, or presenting locally in the Washington, DC area, New York, and sometimes across the pond in Europe.

Rika’s Lair- Please Stop

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly (and sometimes sooner than monthly!) column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

For this article, I’d like to deviate from the discussion of theory, and have a little fun with one of my favorite games: Tease and Denial. I’m a big fan of T&D. So much so that I wrote “The Joy of Denial”, with five short stories dedicated to deliberately building up a partner’s desire as a means to control them through the manipulation of resolution of that desire.

The title of this article is a double entendre. On the one hand, it contains the key words to a very powerful technique that you can use with any partner when engaging in sexual Tease and Denial. On the other hand, they also are the words that I feel represent the ultimate T&D result! This article will explore both meanings!

“Please Stop (I don’t really mean that)”:

Manipulation of “encouraged” desire is at the root of Tease & Denial. The objective is to stimulate desire, to build it up so that achieving (whatever it is that they want) is all the person can think about – and then demonstrating your control of that desire, so that the “victim” recognizes that only you can satisfy that need…that they are completely at your mercy and whim.

Desires come in many flavors, and T&D is not always about sex. However, when it comes to sexual T&D, the desire to orgasm is “the carrot”. The objective is to get the person so turned on, so needy for release, that they will do almost anything (“the stick”) to achieve it. You establish the situation in such a way that they are completely dependent on you (bondage, agreement, manipulation of fetish, physical device, orders, etc.) to provide that release, allowing you to leverage that power. It can be a fun game or a mild form of torture…or both 🙂

When I engage in sexual T&D, I’m aiming for two things: First, I want my partner to get as close to orgasm as possible, as many times as possible, and for as long as possible – without actually being able to orgasm. Secondly, I never want them to be sure if they’re going to get to orgasm, or not. I want them hoping, each and every time they get close, that I’m going to allow them to finish, but wondering if THIS time will be THE time. If I can get them to honestly believe that I am going to allow them to orgasm (without lying about it), and then NOT actually allow it, I’ve done my job. So, the trick is to get your partner right to the brink of orgasm, believing entirely that they are going to come, only to have the pleasure snatched from them at the last possible moment.

In a perfect world, you’d be able to “just know” when your partner is about to have an orgasm, and have enough forewarning to stop it before it starts. To do that without verbal communication requires a lot of familiarity with your partner’s body. If you’ve got that knowledge, fantastic! Go to town. However, I have found that such familiarity is hard to develop and, even if you get there, is not always reliable or truly at the most optimal moment. When you’re dealing with a person who is becoming more and more desperate, their bodies become more and more deceptive.

Most people can’t master their partner’s non-verbal signals consistently and reliably enough to depend on them. Consequently, they agree on verbal communication, whereby the “victim” advises when

they’re getting close. Some folks require the victim to beg for permission to orgasm. Others use a number scheme (1 is not close, 10 is too late). Others use a Red, Yellow, Green code to communicate.

I have my own method of communication – the words, “Please Stop”!

I find the whole “Please let me come”-thing to be whiny and needy. I like more articulate communication when a sub is begging for something. Unfortunately, a “proper begging” doesn’t lend itself to the immediate needs of the situation when a sub is close enough to come in a moment’s notice. So, rather than having them beg me to let them orgasm, I find it more fun to have the sub ask me to stop.

My T&D partners are under strict orders to ask me to stop them from orgasming when they are just about to reach the point of no-return and begin to orgasm. “Please Stop” is so much more appealing to me than “Please let me come”. It’s demonstrates their desire to continue their tease…and I know it’s KILLING THEM to have to say it…because every ounce of their body wants the orgasm. I find it a delicious and playful mind-f*&#!, and I love the irony of saying, “OK, you can have your way…you can stop short of orgasm!”

Human nature; people protect themselves. If you rely on your partner to tell you when they’re ready to come, they’re going to lie. If they think you’re going to stop them from coming, they’re going to tell you earlier than truly necessary. They’ll make all the right sounds, tense up, or maybe even ask you to stop, earlier than that last second before it’s too late. They do this to avoid the impact of perfect timing – because perfect timing is pretty tough to deal with – particularly the tenth time in a row! Therefore, to make certain they are as close to orgasm as possible, my “victims” are also required to orgasm within 5 seconds, should I choose to let them orgasm! So, if they ask me to stop, I might say, “No…come now: 5, 4, 3…”. And if they don’t reach orgasm before I say “0”, they know they will likely go a LONG time before they are allowed to orgasm. Therefore, they have to wait until they know they’re going to orgasm REALLY soon, and so, become active participants in their own perfect frustration!

I can use this technique whether I’m stimulating them, they’re stimulating themselves, or even if we’re having intercourse! When they get close, they have to ask me to stop or allow them to stop. It’s then my decision…come in 5 seconds, or allow them to stop.

Try it with your partner…and let me know how it goes!

“Please, Stop (I REALLY mean that)!”:

The other use of the phrase “Please Stop” is, in my opinion, the ultimate T&D compliment; when my “victim” reaches the point where they would rather stop everything and not orgasm, than to have to face the frustration of another denial. I am 100% certain that they are “cooked”, when they’re begging me to not let them orgasm AT ALL rather than get teased again. I don’t always drive them to this level of frustration, but it’s a fantastically fun place to take them once in a while!

And, OH! the things they’ll do for an orgasm, then!

Three additional thoughts on T&D:

First, T&D “sessions” don’t have to end in a single day. They can go on for weeks, if you want them to. The physical and mental impacts of repeated build up and denial transcends days. The added

frustration of having to go to sleep after just getting close to orgasm (potentially several times) is brutally effective, particularly if they’re giving you orgasms as often as you want them.

Second, in order to keep your partner honest and unsure if they’re going to get to orgasm, you have to let them orgasm relatively quickly once in a while. Don’t make every session a long ordeal. Keep them honest by allowing them to orgasm early in the process…so that they can’t determine a pattern. You might let them orgasm on the first session, or maybe the 50th. Keep them guessing, wondering, and off-balance so that they never know which time is THE time.

Lastly, when you eventually decide to allow their orgasm, recognize that it’s going to be a mind- blowing experience for them. They will feel genuine gratitude. If they are submissive, part of their joy is in knowing the level of control you have built up throughout the denial process. They will really like it (and you might too) if you “leverage” their desperation before allowing them to come. Make them promise things, or do things, in exchange for the CHANCE that this time they MAY get to come…and then hold them to those promises afterwards. That will make the experience all the more enjoyable for them. This is a great time for treats (read my article on gifts and treats).

I look forward to hearing your feedback. Tell me how it works for you! Post a comment below, or email me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com…or do both! I look forward to hearing from you.

– Rika.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Learning From, And For, Our Bottoms

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I’ll have what she’s having

I like to order for my girl when we are out for dinner. This is not a new part of our dynamic, but it is one I am still developing. I started by recording her allergies and basic dislikes. That was enough to make sure I was not going to poison her or try to feed her something she would flatly refuse to eat, but it wouldn’t let me do much more than that. It wasn’t enough, I didn’t want to just know what not to feed her, I wanted to be able to confidently make a choice that she would enjoy.

My objective was two fold; to continue taking more control in our relationship by expanding the breadth of our D/s, and to make her feel like I knew everything about her. I want her to know that I can pick the one item she would have chosen from an entire menu without checking with her. I want her to feel that I know her that well, that intimately.

So how do I achieve this, it is simple really; I ask! Whenever we eat a new cuisine I let her order, I may even ask her to point out what she does and doesn’t like on the menu. The second and third time I will order, but still I will look to her for affirmation, encouraging her to explain any issue to me. This lets me learn each and every time until I can stop looking to her for confirmation, and she knows she only needs to tell me if their is a problem with what I have selected.

Now this is a very mild example, but it does matter. If I cannot trust myself to learn something simple, then what about when it comes to knowing her more extreme limits or desires?

With great power comes great responsibility

It takes a while to learn you bottoms dinner preferences, and even more to read their mind. The more control you want to have in your relationship the harder you have to work at it. Each from of control carries with it a range of responsibilities and new sets of information to learn. The information we have and our gentle escalation is a buffer against major mistakes.

It is arrogant in the extreme to think that you know everything, and you are dooming yourself from the start if you assume that your partner will fit into a preconceived box. Just because something has worked with ever other sub you have played with it does not mean it will this time. It behooves us to open ourselves to the possibility that what has worked before shall not work this time. If we stop learning then we consigning ourselves to eventual, complacent failure. This applies to so many aspects of being a good top. Always be learning, always be practicing.

While I hope none of us would contemplate using medical staples without having learnt how to use them, in the same way why would we try to take control of our partners clothing without learning the nuances of what that means? Their work dress code, what outfit is too hot for summer, too cold for winter, etc..?

It can be easier to identify and develop these skills which we class as hard skills; using sharps, cracking a whip, swinging a flogger, but there are soft skills which are essential in the mental aspects of kink. We risk getting to caught up in the acts of kink, and forget the thinking of kink.

There are numerous events where you can pick up hard skills from some excellent teachers, but when it comes to the specific soft skills of your partner then they are our best teacher, even if they don’t know it, and as their unknown students we must be twice as attentive. What we can be taught are the questions we need to ask, but only our partner can give us the answers we need.

Mistakes makes us, they don’t break us

Good tops don’t just burst forth fully formed and all knowing. I have learnt huge amounts from those incredibly supportive bottoms that I have messed up the most with. Mistakes will happen, we can regret that fact, but should never ignore it, nor think ourselves immune from them. We should be upfront, and always willing to apologize for mistakes.

I believe that a real apology leaves us with a burden to do everything within our power to make sure the same mistake is never repeated. If we only say sorry and don’t follow through with actual improvement then it is a feeble apology.

It is okay to make a mistake, it is not okay to constantly repeat the same mistakes. If we go back to the example of my ordering for my girl at a restaurant for a moment. If I make a mistake and order something she really hates she will tell me, that is okay. If I order it for the second time, or even a third time it is clear I am not paying attention, I am not learning. A sorry does not always make everything better, actively working to make things better can.

Be kind to yourself though. As a top we can sometimes place too much of a burden on ourselves to be perfect. We should never pretend we are perfect, not to ourselves and not to our partners. Everyone involved in a scene should know that we are all humans, and that there is a risk involved in playing. Take responsibility where it is due, but do not become crippled by indecision, keep learning, keep moving forward.

Step by step

Each escalation in our transfer of power has to be built on a solid foundation. The importance of knowing her better than she knows herself really matters when I am asking her to strip naked while blindfolded in a club. That is when the months and years of built up trust pays off.

In every relationship there is a period of time in which we are learning each other. All the normal things of relationship, which side of the bed they sleep on, how they take their tea, and then there are the kink things, do they switch, do they prefer rope or leather, etc…

Each new aspect of D/s should be approached as a new relationship, with all the excitement, and trepidation that entails. You don’t learn everything about a relationship on the first day, and you won’t get everything right on the first try, but remember; as long as you are learning you are not failing.

About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.

The Truth About O-Here At Last!

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First, my thanks to those who have continued to inquire about and wait patiently for my long-promised novel to appear. Most of the delay was occasioned by technical problems setting up the website to sell it and transact the purchases.

I’m happy to report that those hurdles have been cleared.  You can now by a full PDF copy of The Truth About O at www.truthabouto.com for $23.99, not a bad price for a 900-page saga, all taken from true life episodes documenting the rise and fall of one of the oldest, most legendary Sociétés D’O in Europe.  You can check out the beginning of the first chapter at the site free of charge.

For those who didn’t have the opportunity to read the previous excerpts that ran in earlier issues of Kink Weekly this book tells the story of “The League,” once among the most active O-based communities on the continent as experienced through the diaries, emails and interviews assembled by the men and women at the nucleus of the group’s dramatic history.

Centered around a castle outside Vienna, The League provided an environment in which men and women could act out the life of dominance and devotion depicted in Pauline Reage’s taboo-shattering novel, Story of O. Like similar groups in other European countries, The League put its own unique spin on Reage’s narrative, creating what it called “The Philosophy,” a set of rules and rituals by which both the masters and their “Os” (as they preferred to be called) could live out their conceptions of life at Reage’s Chateau d’Roissy.

An extraordinary group of women and men – many of them prominent citizens in daily life – took the tale to new levels of intensity, described in their own words through reams of correspondence.

As we get to know Sabrina, Fabienne, Lila, Federico and Alexander better and better through their own words we cannot deny both our similarities to them and our differences from them. They present us with an amazing and often disturbing funhouse mirror of our own ideas and practices as we pursue our paths through the looking glass of BDSM.

The result challenges all our received ideas about what a life profoundly dedicated to a kind of sexual feudalism, under which ownership and responsibility are inextricably bound, might be like. By turns powerfully erotic, unpredictably humorous and ultimately suspenseful, Truth About O takes readers down the path of what the community called “The Dark Lust,” a powerful desire for ever more intense and extreme D/s experiences.

Much of the journey will shock American sensibilities, as we learn about the stark differences between what we think of as consensual sex play and what The League’s members viewed as a demanding dedication to a set of ideas about sex, loyalty and courage. It is a journey that takes us outside our comfort zone of elegant parties and sensual exploration to extremes where the line is blurred between the pursuit of mutual pleasure and the irresistible need for ever-more-risky adventure.

If ever a book could be described as “not for the faint-hearted,” this is surely it. That all those who lived to tell of the ecstatic highs and harrowing lows of life at and around The Castle share with us their most intimate experiences of The Dark Lust is a strange gift unlike any other saga of sexual exploration we’re likely to encounter It manifests the power to change the way we think about who we are and what we do by admitting us to an alternate universe resembling our own and yet shockingly different in so many ways.

Ultimately, it is both an arousing and sometimes amusing collection of shared experiences at the edge of what we consider “edge play” and a harrowing, cautionary, true story of what can happen when exotic fantasy clashes with the harshness of real life at its most cruel and corrupt.

Our eloquent, insightful narrators leave us with more questions than answers – as much as we can ask of any non-fiction book that addresses the deepest contradictions of human nature.

There is beauty here, and also peril. If you choose to join The League for a few hundred pages, be prepared for the BDSM ride of a lifetime.

A Brief Introduction to Life in the League

What was it like to be an O under the ownership of The League’s masters and Mentors? One of the many gifts passed on by those who had the experience is this document, given to all women entering the community for the first time. It is a tantalizing taste of “The Philosophy” under which masters and Os alike chose to live their lives.

TO MAKE YOUR STAY AT WINDHOF CASTLE MORE PLEASANT

The Rules of the O

The Os are to treat the gentlemen in The Castle with respect.

The O ‘s are to address the gentlemen with “Sie,” the formal address for “you, ” unless given permission to do otherwise.

The O is to lower her eyes while in the presence of the gentlemen in The Castle.

The O always sits at the feet of her master, unless it is otherwise permitted.

The Os never participate in the masters’ conversation unless instructed. Among themselves they keep essential communications to a minimum and convey them in whispers.

Every O in The Castle is always available to every gentleman for unrestricted sexual use. Outside of The Castle, their master or their Mentor decides whether and by whom the O may be used.  Under no circumstances does the O make this decision for herself. The Os shall serve the men in The Castle with drinks, food, or other amenities unless already carrying out a master’s prior orders.
The Os in The Castle wear either the simple, white dress of the novice or remain completely naked. Shoes or any other clothing are permitted only at the discretions of the gentlemen.

For les soirées the dress rule is extended to require the wearing of the regulated O garments. Shoes and stockings are permitted only with approval of the master or the Mentor.

Outside The Castle, the O wears clothing the master or the Mentor deems appropriate.

Articles of clothing which are never allowed:

Any type of undergarments: slips, bras, panties or anything else that covers her intimate parts. Stockings, pants, skirts or dresses of hems below the knee line are also prohibited.

Os are to avoid any clothing that hinders rapid access to the breasts, the genitals or the ass.

The O shall never cross her legs and should always hold her thighs a hand’s breadth apart. Her lips should remain slightly parted at all times.

The O shall always wear a collar and/or The Ring of the O inside The Castle confines as well as in public at all times, except if the master or the Mentor specifically allows otherwise. If a gentleman outside of The Castle recognizes the significance of The Ring of O, he has the right to use the O as he pleases. If she is alone at the moment, meaning if she is without her master or her Mentor, the O is to immediately contact her master or Mentor. The master or Mentor has the right to ask by whom, how much, in what way, where, and how long the O is to be used. The maximum period allowed for such use is twelve hours, unless otherwise negotiated between the men.

Staying at Windhof Castle

Os who spend more than twenty-four hours at Windhof Castle without their Masters are required to be sexually available to any master or any Mentor at any given time. The use of the Os for service and/or any other work on the estate or in The Castle must be ordered by their master and approved by the appropriate Mentor.

The freedom of movement of the Os is generally restricted to the east wing. Entering the west wing is permitted only with express permission and during soirées.

The O shall perform all work assigned at Windhof Castle without any objection, whether outdoors, in the kitchen or in the office. The O shall wear the dress of the novice only if complete nakedness would be inconvenient. Shoes may be worn only if expressly ordered. This rule applies to the entire estate in all weather and during all seasons.

Herr Herrmann is in charge of the delegation of the Os rooms. These rooms may never be locked. Every O must be accessible and ready at any time of the day.

The duration and schedule of activities during the stay at Windhof Castle are the decisions the Mentors and the master of the O.

Punishments

In principle, the master or Mentor should never need to punish an initiated O. If this becomes necessary due to failure on the part of the O, the following basic rules will apply:

  • The whip shall be the primary punishment.

For this, the O is chained between the two wooden posts of the inner courtyard of The Castle. She shall always be completely naked, no matter what time of day, what season, or what the weather is like.

Other means of punishment:

Crops and similar tools may be employed for the bastinado.

A stay in the basement dungeon.

Sexual use by one or more of the workers or servants of The Castle.

Naked marching or being part of a work crew on The Castle grounds.

If the above-mentioned list of punishments is not considered sufficient, a gentleman or Mentor may consult the Mentors’ council, which will examine the offense, listen to both the side of the O as well as that of the gentleman and will then determine an appropriate punishment.

All of the above-mentioned measures can, of course, be demanded regardless of the need for punishment.  The masters, Mentors, gentlemen and guests may employ such techniques entirely for their own pleasure. Disobedience is always met with punishment but punishment may also be inflicted when no offense has been committed.

Goals

The goal of the initiation of an O is for her to learn to follow the rules of Windhof Castle and that apply to the philosophy of the O. The gentlemen, as well as the Mentors, but above all, the Os must honor these rules to the best of their abilities, be of sound mind and of legal age to participate in such activities or have such things done to them.

The goal of the initiation of an O is to formally give her over to her master fully and willingly. By wearing the ring, the O surrenders complete control to her Master.

The purpose of The League is to satisfy erotic desires in accord with the Philosophy of O. All measures, actions and events happen under the mutual understanding of all participants, and all must abide by the requirements of Windhof Castle.

About the Author

For over forty years Ernest Greene has been one of the most prominent figures in the BDSM scene as a writer, an activist, a filmmaker and a participant. During that time he has witnessed and contributed to the evolution of a once small and isolated sub-culture to a thriving and vital part of the larger society’s erotic life.

Greene is a longtime member of the Los Angeles BDSM community, joining Threshold when it was still an affiliate of The Society of Janus. He served six terms as Threshold coordinator between 1989 and 1995. He continued to do orientations for new members thereafter and has participated in numerous outreaches to academic groups as well as presenting at national BDSM events including Thunder in the Mountains in Denver, Colorado and GWNN in Austin, Texas.

Since 1985, Greene has concentrated his efforts mainly in adult entertainment and adult sex education, serving as Executive Editor of the best-selling fetish magazine Hustler’s Taboo since 1999. Greene founded the also founded the highly successful all-artwork spin-off Taboo Illustrated, now in its 72nd issue.

As well, Greene, has participated in the production of adult video for three decades as a performer, writer, director and producer. His body of work comprises over five hundred titles, including AVN award winners Strictly for Pleasure, Mask of Innocence, Tristan Taormino’s Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women and Jenna Loves Pain. With his wife, Nina Hartley, he has served as producer and director of the Nina Hartley’s Guide series of adult sex education programs for video market leader Adam&Eve Pictures. The series has sold over three quarters of a million videos to date and now comprises forty titles. His own erotic features for Adam&Eve, O – The Power of Submission, Surrender of O and The Truth About O have thus far seen sales nearing 100,000 units, making them among the biggest selling X-rated feature titles in recent years.

Most recently, Greene authored a new novel, Master of O (Daedalus Publishing), reinventing the BDSM classic Story of O set in modern Los Angeles and told from the master’s point of view. Available in a variety of formats, including a deluxe illustrated version, from Masterofo.com and Stockroom.com, it has been highly praised for its insightful reinterpretation of Pauline Reage’s groundbreaking work of erotic fiction.

It was through contacts inspired by his own novel that Greene came to know the Austrian group modeled on Reage’s Chateau de Roissy, thus obtaining the remarkable non-fiction record of its rise and fall as depicted in The Truth About O, a dark and fascinating series of personal accounts from those who participated directly in that organization’s revelatory and often shocking history.

The First Shaky Steps of a Newly Hatched Subsadist

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I’ve been thinking about sadism quite a bit lately.

It is conceptually fascinating.  It can live inside just about anyone and range from the smallest blossoming enjoyment of another’s pain to enoying creating pain in others as long as the recipient finds pleasure in it, all the way up to those who need to restrain themselves from causing real damage.

I’ve talked some about my journey into impact toy-making.  I suppose it goes with the name.  After all, Father Christmas’ bunny must have some role in helping build all of those toys for naughty girls and boys.  Well, something about creating these implements of ass destruction has awakened new thoughts and feelings within me.

Or perhaps they aren’t so new.  I’ve always fallen on the low end of the sadistic range, though.  Taking some mild enjoyment from watching people get spanked is a far cry from doing it myself, just as taking some small sadistic pleasure in video games such as Naughty Bear hardly translates to me ripping the innards out of my moderate-size stuffie collection.  Discovering these new desires to take that next step is surprising.

Awakening it was a process more than a realization.

It was a moment of enjoying someone’s distress within the confines of a scene I mostly spectated, and a small shot of glee when I had an indirect part in causing the next impact.  That spurt of glee left an impression.

It was discovering that my hobby of toymaking had modified into attempts at making more and more unpleasant (for me) toys for others to endure and the devilish gratification that provided.  The curious feelings within me drove me explore those thoughts, only to realize that there was a new desire to experience impact from the other end of the implement.

I’ve had people in the community tell me that developing some sadistic urges or skills in those areas is a common occurrence as masochists grow, though I don’t know how accurate that statement is.  Having tried my hand at some topping years ago and having found it quite unappetizing, that leaves the question of where does a sadistic submissive feed that part of themself?

One obvious solution is to co-top, learning the skills to perform impact and other desired sadistic play while handing the decision-making reins to the other top or actual Dominant.  This would take that uncomfortable feeling of being in charge of another human being out of my blossoming little sadist hands.

A subsadist friend without a play partner has turned to other methods for scratching that particular itch.  Some of it is filled by customer service work (and you wonder why those calls are so frustrating!), some is filled by biting sexual partners, but most of it comes from making particularly evil implememts of pain infliction.  Those toys give a sense of satisfaction unmatched by other areas of sadistic fulfilment.  Perhaps there are other subsadists feeding that part of themselves that way.  It certainly brings me some satisfaction and helped me realize new truths about myself.

As I’ve mentioned before in passing, some elements of BDSM can be incorrectly assumed.  Submissive does not equal masochist, and neither does Domimant equal Sadist.  Plenty of people who engage in D/s relationships may be neither Sadists nor masochists, we just happen to see Dominant Sadists and submissive masochists rather frequently.  Sometimes what we see as masochism is closer to submitting to pain in service rather than enjoyment of pain for its own sake.

With all that being the case, finding internet examples of submissive Sadists, or even references, is much more difficult.  One may find discussion here or there about finding others to match, but I suspect many have adapted to Switch roles, or do service topping as a way to feed those sadistic needs.

With the absence of information or discussion in this area, I find myself taking shaky steps with my Daddy and our partner, hoping to find my way slowly and safely.  In college when we asked questions without answers or found holes in research the solution was to call to the academic community to patch the hole by advancing knowledge in that area.

That’s what I would love.  Let’s see more discussion about subsadists and hear from Dominant masochists (Domichists?) to further the knowlege and understanding of our Kink Community as a whole.   These discussions and explorations could help people struggling to come to terms with these parts of themselves, and help them find the fulfillment they long for.

About the Author

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Rika’s Lair – Expectations, Rights, and Obligations – Part 1

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As the new year approaches, most of us are thinking about the year gone by and looking forward to the future. It’s the perfect time to consider our New Year’s resolutions: How we’d like to improve ourselves and our relationships going forward. It’s the perfect time to consider what this D/s dynamic really means to us.

Last month, we started with a discussion of “Intent” over “Activities”. We noted how dominance and submission do not consist of things that you do (or are made to do), but rather the reason behind the things that you do. We viewed submission as an action, not a reaction. We further defined submission as actions intended to serve the dominant’s preferences. Lastly, we briefly touched on communication as enabler for dominant-centric submission. If you missed last month’s article, you can check the November 19th archive!

This month, I’d like to spend a little time discussing the roles involved in a D/s dynamic and, in particular, the rights, responsibilities, expectations, and obligations that those roles entail. We’re going to shake a few trees with this discussion and we’re going to cover a concept that I introduced in my second book that sits at the cornerstone of my methodology for adding D/s dynamics to your relationships.

We’re going to cover this topic over two weeks. This week, we’ll establish the basis for the discussion: The layers within our D/s relationship and the rights of expectation involved in a power transfer. Then, in the December 24th edition, we’ll get into a deeper discussion of obligations. Let’s get started!

The Underlying Relationship A power dynamic is built upon a relationship of one type or another. There are many forms of relationships, ranging from casual acquaintances to life partners and spouses. Some are contractually binding (think marriage contract), others are based in quid-pro-quo (think client/professional – pay for play), and others are purely emotional (think friends and partners). They can exist anywhere in the emotional spectrum between professional, nearly clinical relationships to deeply committed ones. Regardless of the type of relationship, any can support a power dynamic.

It’s interesting to note that the type of power dynamic is independent from the type of relationship upon which it lies. You can have intense, deeply committed power dynamics riding on a base of friendship (friends with kinky benefits) as easily as you can have casual scene-based, bedroom-only dynamics in a marriage…and vice versa.

There are a few attributes that are common across relationships, and while the intensity and criticality of these vary based on the type of relationship, they exist in some form or another in each of them. Among these you will find things like: Trust, honesty, caring, respect, open communications, mutual fulfillment, and perhaps love. These attributes occur in some form or another in all relationships, with and without power dynamics, and are not functions of a power dynamic, but of the relationship itself.

The power dynamic is going to contribute other attributes to the relationship, such as: The intent of service, commitment to roles, pleasure, catharsis, and a voluntary imbalance of power that results in new rights of expectation.

The Right of Expectation

When you think about the characteristics of the underlying relationship, you see they are balanced and mutual. They give both partners equal rights to expect certain behavior of each other: The expectation to be treated with care and concern for one’s health, to be treated with respect, communicated with, to be spoken to honestly and openly, etc. In all relationships, both partners are granted these rights. Again, the degree to which these apply depend on the relationship type, but regardless, these rights are equal and mutual. Since the underlying relationship, along with all of its characteristics, continue even after a power dynamic is added to the mix, the mutual rights and expectations of both partners continue throughout. This is important to recognize: The attributes and responsibilities of the underlying relationship remain in play, even after a power dynamic is added.

The moment submissives commit themselves in service to a dominant – with the intent to serve as the dominant’s submissive – and a D/s dynamic is created, the dominant is given a new, additional, right. The submissive has promised to strive to fulfill the preferences of the dominant. This means that the dominant is given the right to expect and even demand that the submissive live up to that commitment. Suddenly, anything the dominant wants, needs, or desires becomes something that the submissive has committed to deliver. I call this new privilege the “Right of Expectation”.

The dominant is not committing the same thing; the submissive is not granted the same new privilege. The submissive retains the same rights they had before the power transfer, because the underlying relationship continues to be in force, but they do not gain any new rights because of it. Only the dominant gets the new rights. This creates an imbalance of power that sways heavily to the dominant. It goes above and beyond the natural mutual expectations of being in a relationship and gives the dominant additional privileges.

Most submissives recognize the imbalance, the “unfairness” of the dynamic, which is exactly what gives them that feeling of submission; of being out of control. Without that imbalance, the dynamic reportedly lacks a realness.

As a dominant, I recognize that my sub has a choice, each and every moment he is my sub; he chooses to remain my sub. He chooses to focus on fulfilling my expectations – expectations he gave me the right to have when he committed to becoming my submissive. It is that commitment that shifts the power to me…not because I’m “all-powerful”, but because he is focused and dedicated to doing whatever I prefer for him to do. As a consequence, my preferences are prioritized above his. He chooses his actions and attitudes based on his understanding of my preferences, priorities, and needs. He “obeys” me, not because he “has to obey”, but because he knows that if he does not obey me, goes against my desires, then that would not further his objective to please me. It would violate his commitment to my preferences. My “Power” comes from our mutual understanding of his commitment, not out of physical strength and control. It’s a very real power – a power he chooses to continue to give me every day. A power that stems directly from my right of expectation.

Obligations The obligations of a submissive are pretty clear: Dedicate themselves 100% to fulfilling the communicated expectations of their dominant. They commit themselves to that promise when they offer their submission. This is what provides the right of expectation. There is little argument when it comes to the obligations of the submissive.

The discussion is not so clear, however, when it comes to the obligations of the dominant. Because we’re in a relationship, there is still obligation and responsibility as a partner. However, it is a very different type of obligation and isn’t anywhere nearly as taxing on the dominant as it is on the

submissive.

Over the years, I’ve heard some very strong opinions on how “new-found power” obligates dominants. These statements came mostly from submissives, however, there are also quite a few dominants who readily volunteer to be strongly obligated by the fact that they have accepted a submissive’s commitment to serve. They quote Voltaire in the line made more recently famous by “Spiderman”, “With great power comes great responsibility”.

The main factor supporting these opinions is the viewpoint that the power transfer has somehow rendered the submissive helpless to take care of themselves, or to think on their own, and it therefore becomes the obligation of dominant to care for, protect, and take accountability for, the submissive. However, not all power transfers result in a helpless submissive and I strongly advise against allowing that notion to take hold your dynamics, unless it applies.

I see validity in this notion of additional responsibility if you’re engaging in BDSM-like activities (as many readers of “Kink Weekly” do!), but not because of the power dynamic itself. Rather, because BDSM is a practice in which the submissive is often rendered incapable of stopping themselves from being put in harm’s way, or from engaging in potentially dangerous activities. The Top is obligated, because protecting someone who is dependent on you is a natural extension of the underlying relationship attributes. As a general rule of society, even without power dynamics, if you engage in activities in which you are potentially endangering another individual’s wellbeing, or are in a position to harm them physically or emotionally, you are obliged to act with care and concern. If you shoot weapons, practice martial arts, race motorcycles, perform surgery, look after children, provide psychiatric advice, etc., you have an obligation to look after your fellow man. That’s a relationship requirement. In BDSM-scene dynamics, if you’re going to render your partner helpless, flog them, hurt them, attack their psyches, or otherwise play in the realm of BDSM, you are obligated to do so with care and concern. Not because it’s a power dynamic, but because of the nature of the specific activities in which you are engaging.

There is also the notion that submission is regression: That by submitting to a dominant, the submissive releases themselves from all responsibility and control, and can therefore regress into a state of absolution; a return to childhood, where accountability and responsibility all laid in the hands of the parent – now dominant.

These notions do not always hold true. Submission and the power transfer are the result of a very unique and personal commitment. They do not always result in BDSM play or Regression. Whether submission will result in these types of dynamics depends on the definition of submission; which is determined by the preferences of the dominant. Therefore, it’s not the act of submission that creates these additional responsibilities for the dominant, it’s the dominant’s choice of the individual activities. For example, my dynamics with my submissives are not based in BDSM or regression. I personally will not agree to take on those types of obligations. My subs remain responsible and accountable for their submission and for their actions within that submission.

Furthermore, adults who make commitments are responsible for keeping them. I’ve been shocked to hear submissives say, “since they are giving themselves to a dominant, the dominant becomes responsible for driving them, keeping them honest, assuring that they carry out their tasks, punishing them when they misbehave, controlling their orgasms, rewarding them, protecting them, and taking ultimate accountability for their actions”. Wow! The way they transfer the responsibility of living up to their commitment onto the dominant, you’d think you were listening to a child make promises to take

care of the dog they want their parents to buy. No thank you! I expect my submissives to take the responsibility to own and be accountable for their commitments.

You do take on more responsibility should you choose to engage in potentially dangerous activities. But you do not take on these additional obligations because you’re the dominant, only because you’re in control of a situation that is potentially harmful to your partner.

The dominant does, however, take on new responsibilities. The dynamic is not one-sided. However, the dominant’s obligations are very different from those of the submissive. The dominant is not promising to serve, even if some of the things that they do provide a service to the submissive. As dominants, our INTENT is to be served in the best possible way – and therefore our obligations center more around helping our submissives to understand what they are expected to do, and to know how they’re doing against those expectations, and what they can do to improve.

Hopefully, this week’s entry gives you some food for thought. In the December 24th edition of “Kink Weekly”, Part 2 of this article will dive into the obligations of the dominant in quite some depth.

– Rika.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

What Is Fetish Photography?

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Dirk Hooper Photography-http://www.dirkhooper.com/

Fetish photography is a catch-all phrase for a number of different subjects and subject matter that is largely composed of sexual fetishes, fetish fashion, bondage, domination, submission, and the people and community that practice those activities or identify as a member.

Some of the subjects of fetish photography include, but are definitely not limited to, foot fetish, dominatrix, fetish fashion, BDSM, shibari, ass or leg fetish, gender diversity, balloons, furries, amazons, wrestling, pregnancy, giantess, sploshing, and just about anything else you can imagine. Most of these things take on a sexual element, but that’s not necessarily required.

Fetish photography differs from other types of photography because it includes those subjects and characteristics, but often the lines are blurred. Fashion photography, music videos, movies, comics, and advertising have appropriated the look and style of fetish photography to give their work an edge or make it sexier.

It’s much easier to show you what fetish photography is than to try to explain it, so if you’re easily offended or you’re at work, now is the time to tune out.

Fetish photography goes all the way back to the origins of photography itself.

Here is the work of Czech photographer Jacques Biederer from the early 1900s.[1]

So, well over 100 years ago, fetish photography was alive and well.

During the 50s, Irving Klaw produced bondage and domination photos. Among his subjects were fetish icons Bettie Page, Lili St. Cyr, and Tempest Storm.[2]

During the 70s and 80s, Robert Mapplethorpe gained fine art notoriety for his photos of the gay and BDSM communities. His deep involvement with the BDSM community opened doors for him that were not available to photographers who were not trusted (something that still occurs today).[3]

My all-time favorite fetish photographer (and someone who was deeply influential in my own work) is Hemut Newton.[4] Newton loved dominant women, and his fashion photography, initially for French Vogue, eventually found its way into luxurious books, fine-art galleries, and everywhere else you can imagine. Not only was he an amazing fetish photographer, he’s one of the best photographers who ever lived.

After publishing his book White Women in 1976, Time Magazine proclaimed Newton “The King of Kink.”[5]

Fetish photography has exploded over the past thirty years, due to the proliferation of devoted beautifully-produced glossy magazines like Skin Two, Marquis, and Von Gutenberg. Obviously the internet made this work widely available to everyone in the mid-nineties.

Another reason for the proliferation of fetish photography is the stigma surrounding the BDSM and fetish communities have relaxed considerably over time, but particularly in the last five years, largely because of psychology studies that have shown that practicing BDSM can actually be good for you[6] , and the runaway success of 50 Shades of Grey, which is universally reviled by the BDSM community, but introduced kink to moms around the world.

Modern fetish photography has some absolutely amazing photographers who are pushing the limits of the medium.

Here’s the work of Steve Diet Goedde.[7]

Here’s one from Peter W. Czernich.[8]

Japan’s best known photographer Nobuyoshi Araki has a long history of fetish photography, particularly including shibari, or rope bondage.[9]

Lady Gaga recently shot with Araki.

Speaking of bondage photography, I’m a big fan of the work of Victor Lightworship.[10]

There’s no way I could cover all the great fetish photography or all the fetish photographers who are out there right now. Many young photographers are taking the elements of fetish photography and fusing them with digital painting and backgrounds to create a whole different world. The look of fetish photography is always evolving.

What separates fetish photography from other genres can simply be the intent of the photographer.

The above photo is a collaboration between fashion designer Christian Louboutin and filmmaker David Lynch for a fetish collection.[11] While most people would look at that photo and see something mundane, or maybe even ridiculous, the intent behind the work is to provoke a response and be seen as fetish photography.

While the characteristics of most fetish photography are easy to identify, anything that is intended to be seen as fetish photography could also be included under that genre, and what is recognized as fetish photography right now will forever continue to expand, and be appropriated by photography at large.

Footnotes

[1] Vintage S&M Photography by Pornographer Jacques Biederer (NSFW)

[2] The Vintage Erotic World of Irving Klaw

[3] Robert Mapplethorpe: Meet the Famous Photographer of the ’80s

[4] Helmut Newton Foundation | helmut-newton.com

[5] Your ultimate guide to Helmut Newton

[6] 5 Reasons BDSM is Good for Your Health: Break Out the Handcuffs, Girl

[7] Steve Diet Goedde | Gallery

[8] Fetish Photography

[9] NOBUYOSHI ARAKI – Elevating the Obscene

[10] L I G H T W O R S H I P

[11] Christian Louboutin’s Fetish Ballerine

About the Author

Dirk Hooper is an award-winning fetish photographer, professional writer, audiobook narrator, podcasting producer and host, journalist for the fetish community, BDSM mentor, and adult personal branding and marketing consultant for Sexy Networking.

Dirk Hooper won Best Fetish Photographer at the 2017 Fetish Awards in St. Petersburg Florida. As a fine-art fetish photographer, Hooper’s work has been exhibited in England, the Netherlands, Belgium, China and all over the United States.  His work is part of the permanent collections of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University and the Leather Archives and Museum in Chicago, Illinois. Dirk Hooper’s work has been published in magazines like Skin Two, Von Gutenberg, Fet Erotica and Sinical Magazine.  His work was published in the German hardcover art book “Fetish Fantasies: The Best of International Fetish Photography.” He has done professional photography for bands, books, posters and the adult film industry.  Hooper co-founded the alternative modeling site Toxic Goddess.  He offers his photography services for portraits and commercial projects.

Hooper’s articles have recently been published at Business Insider, Inc. Magazine, HuffPost, Slate Magazine, The Sporting News, MSN Sport, and Quartz. He has won the Quora Top Writer award for the past two years. He has also been published as a comic writer, a poet, and performed numerous copywriting assignments for professional and private clients. He is currently working on an erotic novel and a non-fiction book about social networking.

Dirk Hooper is the Host and Executive Producer of “The Fetish Show.”  He has also recently launched a new podcast about success and inspiration titled, “The Dirk Side.” Hooper has been podcasting since 2005 and has produced hundreds of hours of shows over several networks. His first audiobook narration was for the Suzanne Steele novel “Glazov.”

Dirk Hooper does journalism for the BDSM and fetish community through The Fetish Show News, FETISHWEEK articles, the Daily Fetish Chronicle and freelance writing.  Hooper’s award-winning website, http://www.DirkHooper.com features a gallery of his work, informational articles and is the home of “FETISHWEEK.”

Hooper’s inspiration for his work is an extension of his interests and experience in the BDSM and fetish community.  He is a BDSM mentor and has helped guide or train both dominants and submissives.

Hooper works as a consultant on personal branding, social networking, SEO, copywriting, design and marketing through his Sexy Networking business at http://SexyNetworking.com.

Status

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Dominatrix: Mercenary Mistress
Photographer: Danny Stygion
Corset: FetCraft
MUA: Texas Dela Rosa
Shoes: Refuse To Be Usual
Location: Austin Dungeon

Hello everyone! Today we are going to talk about status and how it should not be the only thing one relies on to navigate who is “good” and “bad” in the lifestyle.

As humans we are constantly having so much info thrown our way every second of every day that it only makes sense that we come up with systems to try to sort through info. For example, a lot of job recruiters only will look at resumes with MBA’s or some people will only stay at hotels that are rated three stars or higher.

The same type of thinking and categorizing is often done in the BDSM/Kink Community. For instance, some will attach ethos to someone if they are a teacher in the community or have been in the lifestyle for over ten years or if a D-type has more than two subs. Everyone makes their own criteria as to what is “good and respectable.” However, while these technicalities can often guide someone in the right direction, they can also be a short cut to not fully reading the person or situation correctly or clearly.

Just because someone is a teacher does not mean they are presenting the most accurate info. Someone could also be in the lifestyle for twenty years and be practicing unsafe and unhealthy behaviors. The D-type with the two subs might not be not upholding a strong code of ethics.

My point is, is that things are not always what they seem and to make a sound judgment one should combine the technicalities and labels with more info. Anyone can call themselves a submissive or Dominant, but are they sticking to the code of ethics that we as a community expect them to live by?

It’s important to get to know one another as people too. The newbie could surprise you. This is why I don’t go solely by numbers and labels when navigating the community.

I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to judge someone solely by one fact (unless that fact is detrimental to one’s self, sanity, or safety in some way). When someone goes off of one fact, black and white thinking often begins to occur. People are either “good” or “bad” or “friend” or “enemy.” In my opinion, the world is too complex for these simple categories. Humans are often so many things, with so many sides.

Get to know them. Listen to them. Don’t judge a book by its cover. And don’t get so hung up on numbers.

There are always going to be those ego-driven people that want to puff out their chests and say “I have been a Mistress or Master for fifteen years, so you should bow to me” or “I have been a Kink Educator for thirty years this is the only way to do X or be Z.” I wouldn’t listen to those people. Time is not the only indicator of how knowledgeable someone is. People that discount other ways of doing things are only stunting their own growth in my opinion. And to me, this community and lifestyle is about discovery and growth.

With this being said, go out, make smart choices, make healthy friends, and enjoy yourselves in a safe, sane, and consensual manner!

As always feel free to comment and ask questions. Thanks for reading and stay tuned!

About the Author

Slave Bunny is the Creative Director of Kink Weekly. Along with being a part of the Kink Weekly team, she is proud to announce that she will be teaching Kink classes all over the Los Angeles area this year. She gratefully belongs to her wonderful Master/husband, and wears her collar with such immense joy.

With the help of her degree in Psychology and her career in the fitness industry, she has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink Community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

Go Get A Cookie

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Dirk Hooper Photography

I was terrified to go to my first munch.  I’m not sure what depravity I was expecting, or maybe it was fear of being judged for the secret kinky things that I wanted and was afraid to share.  Either way, it was frightening.

Daddy and I decided to go early and eat dinner at the location, to get a feel for things.  The food was good, I think, but it might as well have been a plate of broccoli covered in pickle juice for all the interest I had in eating it.  I just kept watching people come in the restaurant and head for the meeting room on the second floor.  Daddy had to reprimand me several times to stop people-watching and eat.

Surprisingly enough, no one was wearing black latex or leather gear in public.  Go figure.  No one had a partner on a leash.  Some had come from work and were in business or business casual attire.  Others were dressed in jeans.  Everyone looked pretty normal.

We finally finished eating and joined the rest of the group.  It was a newcomer munch, and everyone else except the leaders seemed as nervous as I felt.  Most were quiet.

It was a good thing they had a pamphlet.  They had a lot of information to cover.  There was talk of negotiating scenes, etiquette for respecting dynamics at events, what to expect at parties, special interest groups, and so much more.  To be fair, I had learned some of that from my extensive reading, but I imagine it was quite helpful to those without partners or with significantly less experience than we walked into the room with.

I think my favorite concept from our local community, which I have heard in other places as well, is the “Go Get a Cookie,” way of dealing with things.

Say you are at party and there is a particularly intense scene involving needle play.  You happen to have a phobia about needles and watching that makes you feel nauseous and a little dizzy.  What are your options?

Well, you could interrupt the scene and suggest they do that sort of thing somewhere where they won’t offend or upset others.

NOPE!

You could speak with the dungeon monitor and explain that you have an issue with needles and that you’d like the DM to have that scene stopped.

Not your job!

You can go get a cookie.

That’s right.  You walk away.  If you cannot watch needle play without feeling nauseous or faint, you should walk away and not watch.  The people who negotiated that scene have every right to play there in public if they so desire, and the right to do so without your interference.

When you walk away to go get a cookie, perhaps you retreat to the refreshment area and get an actual cookie or a drink.  Maybe that means you step outside for a breath of fresh air.  Either way, it means that you walk away from something you find uncomfortable.

Hopefully, if people want to have a scene which may contain elements that can concern others, they have communicated their intent to the DM, so that if you do happen to speak with that person, he or she can explain that the scene has been negotiated and cleared, and then can suggest that you go get a cookie.

Maybe it isn’t needles that are the problem.  Perhaps it is a scene where the bottom is being kicked or punched, an emotional masochism scene, or a scene involving knives or blood or CNC that bother you.  It is important to remember that people come to events and play in public for their own reasons.  Perhaps the people involved feel safer with public play during their early scenes.  Perhaps they enjoy a little exhibitionism.  It could be more impromptu play, or they may have neighbors who might contact law enforcement about screams.  Whatever their reasons, they deserve the respect and safety of uninterrupted scenes as much as the rest of us.  If it bothers you, go and get a cookie.

There is absolutely no shame in walking away.  We all have areas of discomfort, and they will be different for everyone.  I had zero problems watching a CNC demo scene at a party, but skipped the sounding demo since the thought made me feel flinchy, and I didn’t even have the correct “equipment” to worry about.

The great part about “Go Get a Cookie” is how useful it can be in other areas.  It doesn’t have to be physical.  Don’t like a Facebook post your dad put up about politics?  Go get a cookie.  See something on Fet about someone’s consensual non-consent and you feel the need to immediately explain to them how they are doing it wrong?  Go get a cookie.  These are helpful life skills.

We may not always succeed, but hopefully, the goal of having a kink community is to find some acceptance for our personal kinks.  In order to receive that acceptance, we need to accept others for theirs.  Sometimes that may mean reading something we don’t agree with and just scrolling on past.  I think that is a skill we could all do with a little more of.  Accepting does not mean we have to agree with, watch things, or participate in things which make us uncomfortable, it just means we need to walk away and let others continue with the happiness and enjoyment they find.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

When Something is Broken, Adding More Moving Parts Isn’t Going to Fix It

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I’ve seen a lot of people make bad decisions in the name of relationship preservation.

A baby

A pet

A marriage

A monogamous partner agreeing to open a relationship

Those first three seem pretty logical.  A relationship with problems isn’t going to improve by adding the stressors of a new pet or an infant and sleepless nights leading to shorter tempers.  While I have never personally tried procreation as method of holding onto someone else, having children certainly hasn’t stopped anyone from having terrible relationships, they just tend to hold people in bad situations for longer than they should have.  This seems to be a general human problem, as I’ve seen its unfortunate side effects in both kinky and vanilla partnerships.

The one I really want to talk about, though, is opening up a relationship.

It seems to be a common misconception that if monogamy isn’t working, attempting an open relationship or some other form of polyamory is a potential solution.

Stop.

Seriously, stop it right there.

Have you ever seen a repairman work on a car or washing machine or a.c. unit?  

Generally, when a part breaks, they suggest replacing it or repairing it.

I have never once heard one suggest rerouting the system and adding some new pieces to get around the broken one.  Not ever.

Oddly enough, I have often heard people suggest opening a relationship to fix the problems, instead of just repairing the broken pieces.

However we each may choose to fashion our polyamory within our own groupings, there are one or two things most can agree must be part of it.  Above all, I would argue that the million dollar word is communication, followed closely by trust. Generally speaking, failing relationships often lack either one or both of those important elements.

Furthermore, if the relationship is deteriorating, what is the motivation for attempting a last ditch save?  Is it a matter of how much time has been expended in pursuit of happiness with this person already or shared possessions or finances?  Better to walk away while those conversations can happen in a more positive manner.

Now, I certainly don’t want to be judgy.  There is one situation in which the act of opening up a relationship which had been monogamous may help, but only if the issue is that one or both partners is polyamorous and monogamy has become the problem.  Even then, this is going to require a lot of communication and reassurance if you plan to move forward with a mono / poly situation. There are, however, support groups for monogamous people with polyamorous partners, both on Fetlife and Facebook, who genuinely desire to help each other find peace with what can be a challenging pairing.

Don’t forget the communication.

It’s the rest of you I’m talking to.  It’s the ones who made it until the kids left home and discovered you no longer know your partner and aren’t sure you like what you see.  It’s the ones who have a serial cheater and think an open relationship will stop the cheating. It’s for the ones who have had a steadily declining sex life who think adding other sexual partners may be the solution.

Okay, well, for that last one, it may actually be the solution- if it is solely a case of vastly different sex drives.  However, if the diminishing frequency of sex is indicative of problems other than unequal drives, the likelihood of an open relationship being the solution to the problem is low.

Where was I?  Oh, yes. Serial cheaters and general incompatibilities.

To preface this, I am not a psychologist. With that being said, my reading and personal experience has indicated that serial cheating can possibly be the manifestation of someone struggling to come to grips with being non-monogamous.  For others, it can be akin to a fetish because there is nothing quite like that thrill of sneaking around and having something forbidden.

Either way, opening a relationship with this person will lack trust.  Best case scenario, the serial cheater becomes happily polyamorous and has all of the variety and companionship their heart desires.  The partner who stayed with them, however, will still have some serious problems trusting them. Sure, now they are seeing other people openly, but what other rules might that person be breaking?  Trust, once broken, is the hardest thing to regain.

For the serial cheater who gets off on the thrill of it, well, they will just find new ways to get that thrill.  Maybe, it will be bringing a lover home to cavort in a shared bed. Maybe, it will be unprotected sex, or something that puts everyone at risk.  It could just be something minor like taking dates to the restaurant only you two go to. That person will find their thrill somehow.

I would argue that there is one more big reason serial cheaters do what they do.  I believe some people lack self-awareness. They understand they aren’t happy with a partner, but lack the capacity to express it or even understand why.  Perhaps they’ve been together a long time and it seems as if they should be happy. These cheaters aren’t going to change their ways when a relationship opens up.  They still subconsciously want out and will find a way to sabotage things the same way they’ve been trying to do all along. They only question is how they finally succeed.

When it comes to attempting to fix general dissatisfaction or incompatibility with a partner, adding more partners isn’t going to change those things.  If this is a relationship you both believe is worth saving, see a counselor or do some serious work and make it a priority. These things didn’t get that way overnight, and they aren’t going to be fixed that way, either.  

For the rest of you who want to open your relationship because you want to have new experiences, or you have so much love to give one person can’t contain it all, or for those who just cannot comprehend monogamy because you feel we are not biologically programmed for it, or because you just don’t want to settle down, I hope you find the happiness that is possible for any type of relationship you desire.

This can happen with two things, of course.

Trust.

Communication.

Because I will always advocate for prioritizing those things in any relationship.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.