Ask a Dominatrix

We’re pleased to introduce a new column for Kink Weekly; Ask a Dominatrix. We have our expert in-house Dommes Princess Marx and Mistress Lucy to give their informed opinions on various subjects from our readers. Do you have a burning question you’d like our Dommes to answer? Email kinkweekly@gmail.com and maybe you’ll get some personal feedback from these two.

Here is this week’s reader question:
I am a long time kinkster, and I’m interested in trying out a session with a pro-Domme (having mostly topped in the past). I’m very interested in being restrained in bondage along with teasing, sensation play and experimenting with mild pain. I’m not really “submissive” though – the thought of being talked down to, humiliated or given commands is a turn off. From looking at many pro Domme’s web sites and social media feeds, it seems like many really believe in female supremacy and expect their clients to treat them accordingly. Are there any pro Dommes that can offer more of a tailored play experience without me needing to grovel etc. If so, how can I find them?

Princess Marx says:
The vast majority of trained, experienced, and above all, *professional* players should be able to help you. Although many of us express a preference for a specific kind of scene or interaction, most of us are trained as fantasy facilitators who are able to wear many hats and play a multitude of roles.

I emphasize the word “professional” on purpose. One of the cornerstones of professionalism in any field is competence. In this case, this means competence in the plethora of skills expected of a full-service BDSM provider. Perhaps you can use this distinction in your evaluation of each Domme: use your judgment to discern what’s mere “fantasy talk” (which comprises much of what’s on people’s websites – and remember, these are our fantasies, too), and someone’s level of BDSM skill and professionalism.

Secondly, consent & communication are cornerstones of BDSM (unless consensual non-consent is explicitly agreed to ahead of time). You shouldn’t have to experience anything in a scene that you specifically said you’re NOT into. Every professional will respect that if you communicate it, and every non-professional should, too.

I’d recommend you contact a few Dommes/providers, communicate your wishes/concerns to each of them, and see how they respond. Then you can have your pick. Most likely, all of them will say, “No problem.” A scene is, at the end of the day, a negotiated interaction. Remember to respectfully communicate your needs, and always use your judgment.

Good luck & good whippings!
~ Princess Marx
www.princessmarx.com

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Mistress Lucy Khan says:

Hi Long Time Kinkster,
In my 6+ years in the proDomme community I continue to be impressed with the wide range of styles represented by the practices of My peers. From severe disciplinarian, to bratty schoolgirl, to sensual MILF, there are endless ways to to express one’s Dominance over a willing victim–many of which do not involve you “needing to grovel”. That said, most Dommes (and subs for that matter) have a style of play that comes more naturally to them or is more enjoyable for them to embody. To find the best match for your particular tastes, I suggest that you take the time to DO YOUR RESEARCH. Many proDommes spend a good amount of time themselves on their advertising–crafting their websites and curating their social media presence to reflect their own personal brand of dominance. I urge you to take responsibility for your own fantasy fulfilment process by reading through the “About Me” sections on potential play partners’ websites and following their Instagram and Twitter links to see if their expression of BDSM jives with what your’s.

Once you find someone who you feel may be a good fit, you’ll likely be reaching out via email, so be sure to be respectful and thorough in what you’re hoping for in a BDSM play date. Many proDommes’ inboxes are flooded, so to ensure that your email won’t get swept by the wayside, I suggest you mindfully include some basic information about yourself (i.e. who you are, what you do, where you are based), what kind of scene and tone you’re hoping for, and why you contacted Her specifically. This will allow you to open up a dialogue that will help you determine whether you might make a good match or not…and if not, it wouldn’t hurt to ask Her if she has any colleagues who might fit the bill. Good luck!

Mistress Lucy Khan
www.mistresslucy.org