Ask a Dominatrix, CBT

In this article, we have our expert in-house Dommes, Princess Marx and Mistress Lucy to give their informed opinions on various subjects from our readers. Do you have a burning question you’d like our Dommes to answer? Email kinkweekly@gmail.com and maybe you’ll get some personal feedback from these two.

Question from the reader:

Dear Kink Weekly,

My boyfriend likes to be dominated, and I’m pretty new to it but I’ve been trying out a few things. Tying him up, teasing him, spanking, clamps are all super fun. Yesterday he asked me if I would do “cock and ball torture” on him. I’ve been reading up and it sounds pretty intense – I’m worried I might cause some damage, particularly if I hit or kick him in the nuts. Are you able to give me any advice about trying this out?

Alicia

Dear Future Genitorturess,

As a notorious ballbusting enthusiast, this is one of my favorite questions! The reality is, those little suckers (balls) can take a lot more abuse than you think! Just search for the video of me kicking Andrea Dipre in the nuts wearing shoes with full 1-inch metal spikes on the toebox!

Of course, Andrea is an experienced (and motivated) ballbusting recipient, and we’ve known each other long enough to be able to do that. We’re both practicing RACK – risk-aware consensual kink.

So, on that note, here are a few things I recommend – and some of these apply to *any* BDSM play:

1) Know thyself, and your partner. You must have trust, and you must be able to monitor & gauge your partner’s reactions while playing. If your boyfriend specifically asked for it, chances are, it’ll be VERY clear to you when he’s enjoying himself, and when he isn’t – just make sure you’re paying attention. Go slowly and build intensity, and with time, you’ll know you partner well enough to skip ahead to the fun parts more quickly 🙂

2) Have a safeword, at least while you’re still experimenting. Once you’re both more comfortable, you can even move away from using a safeword.

I’m a fan of pushing boundaries with playpartners when there is mutual trust, but you have to both be on that page – use both your spideysense and explicit verbal communication to decide when and how far you can push.

3) Circulation (or the loss thereof) is one of the biggest concerns. If you notice swelling, or a loss of sensation or color, immediately loosen the bondage or cease activity. If it doesn’t get better, seek urgent professional help. Of course, with time, you’ll learn how much your partner can take without ever getting to that point.

4) Tension is the other area of high concern. Tying the testicles to a fixed point for prolonged periods risks torsion or rupture, particularly if your partner has a quick reaction to something and is being held by the testes. Being tied to weights for long periods carries similar risks.

5) Take breaks. Give your partner a break every 20-30 minutes, or as needed, to alleviate pressure, tension, and circulation.

6) Always keep safety materials on hand – in particular, safety shears (the kind with the rounded, rather than pointed, tips). At about $5 on average, they’re one of the best safety investments even in vanilla practice.

7) Beware of squeezing anything too hard, at least until you know what your partner enjoys – and as you get to know them, you’ll also learn what they can take, and when you can push them a bit.

8) Blood is a pathogen. You probably already have some sort of mutual understanding on body fluids with your boyfriend, but remember that there are diseases that aren’t transmitted sexually, but can be transmitted via blood contact.

9) Remember: Google is your friend. No list I write in a Q&A format can ever be exhaustive enough, so PLEASE do yourself a favor and google this a little more before starting play.

10) Last, but perhaps most importantly, HAVE FUN!!! The great joy of a D/s dynamic is getting to do things that are normally considered taboo. We’re all supposed to be very nice and polite to each other IRL; the joy of BDSM is that you get to fuck with that.

I think that’s probably why ballbusting is my all-time favorite BDSM activity: I’m (shockingly!) actually a nice person IRL, and would never kick someone without consent (although some people really deserve it..). In play, we get to do those things to people with not only their permission, but with their desire. There’s even a band called The Genitorturers!

Enjoy!
~ Princess Marx
www.princessmarx.com

Based in Los Angeles and Boston, born in Europe, and traveling frequently, Princess Marx is a lifelong kinkster and a formally trained professional Dominatrix. She has the dubious distinction of an Ivy League education, and was awarded the 2016 “Most Fascinating and Captivating Model” award by Footnight International. Princess Marx is a proponent of both sex-positivity, and the reclamative justice of Female Supremacy. She is a frequent performer, speaker, educator, and commentator on kink and sexuality, and was recently surprised to find out a Kentucky-bred race horse was named after her. You can find more info at www.princessmarx.com.

Mistress Lucy Khan says:

Dear Alicia,
I bet that when you think about cock and ball torture (CBT), what makes it intimidating is the “torture” part. Torture conjures up images of interrogations, deranged scientists, war crimes… rather intense associations to say the least. In My experience, kinksters and BDSM enthusiasts definitely have a flair for the dramatic–after all, it’s the narrative, the experience of playing out the theater of the erotic that really scratches our itch! For those just getting into this type of play, however, a more helpful way to think about CBT would be to replace the word “torture” with “play”. The concept of “play” allows you to fiddle, fidget, explore, and amuse yourself with the parts in question without a definitive (and potentially pressure-filled) end goal in mind. Often times, it’s the loss of control over one’s body that creates the eroticism in the first place…

One way to take the pressure off and simply have fun with the exploration of cock and ball play is to restrain him, blindfold him, and simply tickle, lick, bite, and poke at his junk! With his eyesight gone, you can indulge in the sensorial aspects of having free reign over the most vulnerable part of his body (hot!) with less self-consciousness. Feel free to tug down on and/or tie up the balls–you can ask him for feedback to get a sense of his pain tolerance and proceed slowly from there. Like I said, it’s often exploring the psychological aspect of having a man’s most vulnerable parts in the palm of your hand that is at the heart of the matter. Be verbal: “how does it feel to have your balls in the palm of my hand?” Another fabulous idea for getting into the swing of things is to play with temperature: alternate ice cubes with warm breath, apply some icy hot/tiger balm–if it’s too intense, make him beg for you to wipe it off! Practice makes perfect, so if you start slow, you’ll be educating yourself on what his balls can actually take, so you can build on the knowledge from there! Treat is as an experiment, not as a test, and the cock and balls can definitely be a wonderland for your D/s practice. Have fun!

xo,
Sherpa Lucy

Mistress Lucy Khan is a LA-based dominatrix, educator, and amatuer social engineer who has run her own independent practice for over the last 5+ years. Passionate about applying BDSM principles to contexts that lay outside the BDSM and kink community, She delights in shining light on the darkest of desires. As a former NCAA athlete graduating summa cum laude, Her strength lies in creating twisted scenarios that incorporate both body and brain. Delighting in introducing newbies to the art of kink, She is available for both in person and phone consultations via MistressLucy.org and can be found on Twitter + Instagram @LucytheMistress