Commentary On Old Guard vs. New Guard

Recently I posted a short article in eight differing kink groups online regarding an old meme I noticed several years ago. The meme was effectively a reminder list for dominants, a cheat sheet if you will, of things to do and remember.

For simplicity, I am including what I wrote here:

“There is Always Something to Be Learned: Even from Things We Don’t Agree With

I saw a post a while back about a ‘Dominant’s Cheat Sheet.’ Basically, ten reminders for Dominants to themselves. Although the list itself was unremarkable, the comments following really struck me. Specifically, the amount of negativity toward it. Referring to much of the list as abusive or for fakes.

It seemed as if most, didn’t get past #1 on the list, ‘In general, submissive only speaks when spoken to.’

Now I agree that this is an overgeneralization. However, since this is a thinking persons page….lets think about why and when that might actually be useful or helpful in certain situations.

– When a submissive is having a hard time listening and needs to learn not to interrupt.

– When a submissive might be prone to angry outbursts or over reactions.

– When a submissive tends to speak before they think and needs to learn the process is the other way around.

While none of these would be permanent, neither is any particular list. We change and grow over time. We do so by keeping an open mind and taking time to reflect on what we are seeing/reading and deciding not just if something is useful or not, but if it could be useful and when.

I said that I think not many people read past item number one on the list because there are several items on it, which can be very useful to a Dominant.

For example, #5, ‘A Submissive needs to feel the tug of your proverbial leash. Find ways that work for you.’ Would a submissive want to be with you if they weren’t drawn to the potential of your control? Isn’t this speaking to the foundation of a power exchange?

Or #6, ‘Acknowledge daily to your submissive their role beneath you by telling them in some way they are doing things you want.’ Providing acknowledgement of what the submissive has done, is recognizing their efforts. Showing the Dominant has noticed and is paying attention. I am not sure I see how this is a negative in a dynamic. Reinforcing positive behaviors, ie accomplishing tasks, is a foundational principle.

Or how about #10, ‘Being strict is welcomed.’ Of course, this is not everyone’s idea of utopia, but is a Dominant really dominant if they are not consistent in their actions and enforcement of the rules agreed upon? What kind of Dominant would they really be if not consistent? Wishy washy inconsistency often leads to problems, confusing expectations, and eventually dashed hopes.

Even though these examples can easily be applied in a positive light, there are many comments on the thread stating that, in effect, any Dominant who subscribed to this list, is no real Dominant.

Not everyone is the same, obviously, so we are not going to read things the same way. However, there are often gems hiding in places we least expect them, if we only take the time to look for them.”

⁃ The Reactions

After posting that article I figured I would get many of the same detractors from the original cheat sheet who got hung up on item #1.

But that didn’t happen. If fact the opposite happened, those older and who have been in kink for quite some time came out of the woodwork. Many of them opining about the lack of understanding and acceptance of what they considered deeper dominance and submission.

Even though their backgrounds in kink varied from M/s to Leather to self-professed kinky tops and bottoms, the theme of their reactions were similar. Here are a couple of examples.

Priest Zen wrote:
“The online community, in most parts, are full of crap. They are demanding the water down romantic version of BDSM is the only true BDSM. Any high protocol, high etiquette BDSM style they call abusive and fake Doms. They have taken the idea that a submissive has all to power to create a dynamic when the s/type completely tops from the bottom. The dom (small d intentional) is serving the Sub (cap S intentional) for Her (cap H intentional) fantasies. And, then the dom is blamed for when those fantasies aren’t met.” Reprinted with permission from Priest Zen.

And intellectualdady replied:
“Well said…what I’ve noticed increasingly over the last 5 years since I’ve been back in the lifestyle is most who participate in groups such as this or on fetlife see bdsm and the lifestyle as purely kinky sex. Not a lifestyle. Not power exchange outside of the bedroom. That a submissive is someone into the more tame aspects of playing. A slave is one who is into the more extreme aspects. A Dominant is one who is more of a middle ground and a Master is someone who is someone into bossing others around as well as into the more extreme forms of playing.

There’s a HUGE divide between what’s traditionally been taught and what is now taught. Same with what’s accepted and what isn’t.

With all of this in context there’s no wonder why there was so much negativity on that post.

Everyone has their own definition for everything as well as their own way of doing things so like Master arcane and a number of other leaders have consistently talked about ‘until more experienced members of the community start stepping up, taking the lead, guiding, correcting, and teaching along with creating websites as well as content then things will continue moving in this direction. The older generation of 40-70+ have dropped the ball in a way and it’s time they picked it up.’

Thank you for posting this and adding the thoughtful introspection questions with each number. Hopefully this helps others think and learn more.” Reprinted with permission from intellectualdady

⁃ They Got Me Thinking

I replied to most of them and in that repetitive process it got me thinking more deeply about the subject. All those opposed to the cheat sheet vs. all those replies to my article.

Yes there is a lack of understanding by a great many in the younger generations. A lack of appreciation that speaks to a road untraveled. But why have not more of the newer generations set off on that deeper path?

I think that many, have no idea. That there is a notion of a BDSM lite ascribed to out of both naivety and for others, fear.

With that being said, most of those are simply kinksters, tops and bottoms (if that), who dabble at the edge of D/s. Fine, whatever floats their boat.

The detractors within those ranks are the ones who will never fully understand dominance and submission because they, IMO, are not really open to it. Therefore, rebel against it even as they in the same breath call themselves, “lifestyler.” This is what I think rankles many long-time kinky people who have lived it not just as something fun to do, but as a core part of their being.

For many newer to kink, within the last fifteen years, I think it scares the hell out of them. The notion of actually having complete control over another… or giving up complete control, once they understand what that really means. Taking or giving a great amount of control requires a significant amount of self-confidence. The ability to set doubt aside. To set blame aside in seeking a simple truth. “What can I become?”

Circling back I think this is why BDSM lite has become prevalent. Many of the newer generations are trying to fit themselves, square pegs into a lifestyle many of the older generation know differently, a round hole. Obviously not working for them. So instead of walking away with an understanding, “I don’t fit,” the newer have created a space where the square pegs belong.

To compound the issue, I am not sure any amount of teaching or access to information would change that for them. The transformational aspect of kink is in the hands on. Seeing a master at work with their slave; being present during a scene where partners lose each other in each other; watching a healthy D/s over time headed by a mentor so the intimate details which cannot be taught are experienced; not to mention actually performing under the guidance of a mentor and being critiqued for it. How could the square pegs begin to know without that?

There simply is not enough access to mentors for the newer generations to accomplish a widespread hands on approach.

⁃ Is this New Iteration a Bad Thing?

I don’t think so.

Wait! Before you pull out your pitchforks!!! I am not ascribing to a bunch of that weak ass noise or platitudes which normally accompany a statement like this. Stick with me, you’ve read this far.

I do not think the new iteration is a bad thing because they have the numbers us old farts never did and never will. Public policy is a numbers game. So far on that front we have been losing badly. Yet, there could be hope.

If we, the older generations, quit fighting against a group who is not like us and likely most never will be, embrace them and learn to work with them….. maybe, just maybe we can create a bridge to the vanilla world which can help shift public policy more in our favor.

Granted this is not something that will get done in the next 10 years, but 15 to 20 could be a real possibility. The older generation learns to work more closely with the newer now. In turn as they newer age they talk to more brand-new people, their vanilla friends, and others. Over time kink may become more acceptable in the public eye.

⁃ Moving Forward

Yeah but! What about core values, ethics, safety and all those other good and awesome things? We preserve as much as we can moving forward. Likely, that will be more successful if we are all pulling the same direction. Willingly mentoring, publishing, posting in groups, and elsewise shepherding as many as we can in whatever the newer folks are willing to learn.

It hurts my heart knowing certain traditions will fade with time. It really does. It also pains me seeing our counterculture become more mainstream. Yet, unless it does, we will not win the public policy fight.

We cannot have it both ways.

With freedom comes risk. We either risk our individual freedom by practicing the taboo, or we risk our community and traditions by freely bridging the gap.

Whichever we choose, we must choose, and soon. Otherwise, the world will decide for us.

That, is no freedom at all.