I’ll Share My Daddy But I Won’t Share My Name

DD/bg (or lg or however you label yours) can be a tricky thing to combine with poly.  It is easy to feel that the strength of the bond prohibits the inclusion of others.

Generally, it tends to be a nurturing relationship, and from what I’ve seen and experienced, can be a bit symbiotic.  Much like adding a sibling can have a period of adjustment, so, too, can adding additional partners to this style of relationship.

Imagine, if you will, that it requires a similar adaptation as going from being an only child to having to share the attention with a new baby, one requiring a lot of attention as the bonding is still in process (also constant crying and feeding and diapers, but that’s less relevant, I think).

I’ve seen people say they prefer monogamy for this style of relationship, and it is definitely true that I see more of the monogamous kink relationships fall under this heading.  That does not, however, mean polyamory is impossible.  It just means it may take a little more navigational assistance.

If nurturing is the default response of domination, the top of the slash partner may find this type of relationship becomes the most likely outcome when beginning any sort of long-term power exchange partnership.  Nurturing two is hardly a leap from nurturing one.

Problems can arise when the bottom of the slash gets scared or jealous.  Some people tend to feel less jealousy when partners seek things we have no hope of providing, such as a bisexual female seeking out a female companion.  They may feel more jealousy when it seems there is another person filling the same roles with their partner that they do.  At that point they may think, why even have two partners?  I am clearly replaceable.

When it comes to jealousy, I’ve found one of the ways to separate the concept of my Daddy relationship from another small’s relationship with my Daddy is to choose different pet names.  While we both may address him as Daddy, it is critical for me that he address us differently.  For him to use my pet name, babygirl, with someone else feels bad, wrong to me.  She can have anything else she likes, such as princess or angel or anything else her heart desires.  By having separate petnames, in my mind, it establishes our dynamics as individual things.

It also helps when the DD makes a concerted effort to maintain as many of the standard routines and practices even while juggling new relationship energy.  By showing the first small she is still valued and still receives attention, it reduces the likelihood of serious sibling rivalry issues.

We forget that each relationship takes its own path.  By setting aside insecurities and giving new “siblings” a chance, sometimes we have the opportunity to form close bonds we might have missed out on otherwise.

Tops can fall into traps, too.  When a relationship has progressed from the learning stage, where we begin to learn to communicate specifically with that partner, to the comfort stage, it can be easy to skip steps with new partners, forgetting that the development of that dynamic may need to progress just as slowly as their first one did.  Communication has to be a two-way street.  If only one person is participating, often things fall apart quickly.  This is even more important when adding to a DD/bg relationship.  The smalls need to find balance and learn to communicate with each other as well, whether or not their relationship is a sexual one.  Communication now must go three ways instead of two.

One way we have addressed that in the past has been to have group chats for the three of us.  All discussions happened together, with the exception of financial conversations which involved only our household bills, since we are nesting partners.  Even when he and I were sharing simple things, such as when we left work or arrived home, it kept his other small part of things.

There are lots of different ways people have found security while sharing a power exchange partner.  The important thing is to discover what essential needs must continue to be met in order to ensure overall happiness for everyone involved.  Someone new coming in can feel like an outsider at first, and remembering to treat them with dignity and respect rather than as an interloper can go a long way towards healthier relationships for everyone involved.