Resource: BDSM negotiation checklist

This is a companion resource to Jenn’s excellent article about BDSM negotiation, and the first in a planned series of free BDSM resources for our readers.

When I was negotiating play with new play partners in the past, I thought I would look for a template online which set out various types of BDSM play so that I could go through and cover all bases by checking things off the list. To my dismay, I couldn’t find anything! Well, nothing good anyway.

So, I went ahead and made one. I have used it as part of negotiation with a number of different play partners now. I find it very handy, and it ensures that neither person “forgets” something that should be discussed – either a hard limit, soft limit, or indeed if something is a fantasy.

It might be overkill to use this for negotiating a short, basic scene for pick-up play at a dungeon. But, if you are planning a longer scene or expect to play with a new someone more than once, then the great thing is you can get everything down on paper and then refer back to it later.

There a few different ways that you can use the checklist. You might print it off and then go through it together as part of a negotiation conversation (either in person or on the phone), making notes on the paper as you go. Or, you could email it to your play partner and have them fill it out and send back to you. I typically stress that they should answer based on what they are ok with doing with me in the immediate future. Which might of course be different to what they are with doing with someone else, or with me at some point further down the road.

Generally, it is most important for a submissive / bottom to be clear on their feelings about the items on the list. And that is for the simple reason that the Dom / top is the one in charge and leading the scene, aren’t likely to cross any of their own limits in the process. However, it could still be useful as an extra element of communication for a Dom / top to also complete this for their play partner. It will help provide a better sense of the types of play that each person likes and is looking for.

Of course, not every possible kind of play is included on the list. I left off some of the more advanced edge play activities, and some more specialized kinks – you might leave those to discuss and plan once you have played a few times. But it’s a pretty good general starting point for BDSM play, and you can tailor it to your own needs from there.

You can find the negotiation checklist here.

Remember, negotiate any play activities well in advance of a scene. Find out about any health issues, limits and triggers you should be aware of. And even your play partner said they are ok with something in a negotiation, they still have the right to change their mind and / or use their safeword at any time.

Do you use a checklist for your negotiation? What do you think about mine? Let me know your comments below.

Writer, photographer, hedonist, Dom. After years of at-home BDSM, Dexx finally embraced the kink community and met many fantastic fellow kinksters in the scene. Along the way, it occurred to him that it would be just super if there was a magazine-style web site which catered to people interested in BDSM, and he recruited some of his friends to help create it.