We live in interesting times, which happens to be less than awesome for most of us. We’re experiencing levels of anxiety and stress that our bodies may not be accustomed to. We have uncertainty and fear, and some days it is a struggle for us to accomplish basic tasks.
What then of kink? And non-nesting partners? Is there any space for that in all of this?
I believe there is, but it can be difficult to achieve the head space for the first, or to have the additional energy required for the second.
Having relationships requires energy. We give up some of our energy reserves in order to invest in getting to know others or hearing about how their lives are. When we have high stress levels and we are hearing about high stress from partners, it can be a challenge to keep our heads above water.
Someone who does not live with a shared partner may be experiencing some feelings of jealousy or loss right now. It may seem desirable to have someone there for comfort, but we don’t always account for how these emotions can affect a relationship. It can be an odd shift to consider that partners who do not live together may have an easier time scheduling time for the fun things than those who do.
Partners at home have to push through those pulls of life, like dishes and children, dogs and laundry, and the little frustrations that pile up on any given day. We may have planned to do fun kinky things together, but the odds are good that when the time comes, one or both of us will be too tired to scrape up the interest. Because outside partners are getting a specifically scheduled time, energy is often fresh when they meet up. This means the likelihood of them being able to follow through with the fun kinky things is much higher. Watching that partner get the thing that is desired but rarely received can create feelings of inequity in a nesting partner, particularly one who does the laundry and finds oneself hanging the now-clean rope to dry that was likely used on a meta’s crotch.
What is the solution, though? Understanding the issue doesn’t make energy suddenly appear from nowhere, or stir up desire that has been tamped down by stress and fear. Perhaps the way to solve feelings of inequity in this area can be to schedule with nesting partners the way we schedule with partners outside of the home. When we were used to making kink time together by going out to a dungeon before, that option no longer exists, at least not in a way we personally feel is safe.
Perhaps reaching out to our local dungeon owners whose properties sit empty of patrons, monthly rent continuing to rack up, would be happy to allow a pair of patrons to borrow their location and equipment for an hour for a special night out. Perhaps, as a friend of our suggested, creatively scheduling an exotic meal out, by exploring recipes or takeout from a particular culture, creating ambiance with sounds or music from the same culture, and dining in Paris for a night before getting one’s kink on might be just the right touch.
It is important that we explore creative options to continue to show the people we love they are special. It isn’t always enough to just be the stressed out warm body in bed with them at night. At some point, this life of fear and uncertainty has to end, and it is the goal that our relationships haven’t ended before that.
Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.
TonyTopHeavy says
Would this article apply to solo poly as well?
princesspuddles says
very real and genuine