The Spoon Eater

It doesn’t take much, just a moment really.

The wrong interaction at the wrong time can be enough.

You see, I’m a little odd.  I thought when I was younger that I was an extrovert.  I wanted to be out among people, the energy of a crowd uplifting me.

Maybe it was one of the many things to get emotionally beaten out of me during my first marriage, or maybe it’s a function of aging and just feeling like I don’t need those things anymore.  I don’t claim the title of extrovert anymore.

But am I an introvert?  Well, I don’t know.  It is certainly an easier title to claim, especially when I’m feeling like peopling is too much.

The thing is, I extrovert for a living.  I go to work and I people.  Some days I’m still good for more peopling by the end.  Others, I may have encountered a difficult situation or one which simply requires a lot of my focus and energy, and I’ll be out of peopling spoons in three hours.

For those who aren’t familiar with talk of spoons – I think of it sometimes as mana.  It is a ball of energy and every action requires a mana cast.  Some cost one point, others may cost as many as five or ten.  When my mana is drained, I can’t easily accomplish additional actions.  I need to recharge.  That may be kneeling for my Dominant, or it could require a full night’s sleep, or a hot bath or any number of things that can help me refresh and restart.

Some of the things that drain my mana, or use my spoons, I can predict, because they made appointments and I know by now how it will go.  Others are a surprise, like my car battery dying suddenly a few months back, which threw my day into chaos, ending with me crying in a Sam’s parking lot because the person who had committed to giving me a jump took so long I missed the time the automotive department closed, resulting in me being told they basically gave zero fucks that my car was stranded in their parking lot.  Turns out other people didn’t care either, and they all looked the other way as they hustled to their cars, pretending they didn’t see me.

Needless to say, I had no spoons left for a trip out to drop off new prototypes with people I’d promised them to, despite my sadistically gleeful desire to get them in the hands of my testers.

Good news is that my spoons (or mana) recharge fairly quickly.  A little down time with Daddy and some hugs and I’m usually at least able perform basic normal functions, if not be able to put on my extrovert hat and play hostess or go to a scheduled event.

But sometimes shit’ll happen that drains my spoons for their use in a specific situation or event.  I call those things spoon eaters.  It might be Daddy getting upset about the kitchen being messy, then I feel reluctantly adverse to going grocery shopping.  It might be us having a misunderstanding about a specific event or what his intentions may be for it, and then me not wanting to attend because the thought of doing so makes my stomach feel as though it has been tied in knots.  It’s like conflict completely drains any excitement and energy I had focused on that activity and I would rather do just about anything else as an alternative.

He used to mistake it for passive aggression – like I didn’t get my way, so I just didn’t want to do something.  But it isn’t that.  It is a sick feeling in my stomach over the thought of doing that thing.  I still can, sure, but the liklihood of me enjoying it or participating in anything more than a quietly timid manner is somewhere around 5%. Not good odds, is what I’m saying.  The Spoon Eater had a meal, and if I get my way, I will stay home quietly on the couch, self-soothing with leatherwork, beating myself up for any point of interaction leading to the Spoon Eater’s arrival when I felt I’d committed a misstep.

I suppose I can be grateful that at least it isn’t staying home having shower arguments.  Real life never ends up going the way those do.

I have found that the current situation we all find ourselves in has a huge effect on the way I handle conflict or stress.  I see similar struggles in the people around me.  Relationships that had some communication issues which seemed as if they could be overcome back in February suddenly became hostile, issues insurmountable.  I see people snapping at others for things they would have let pass three months ago, taking their aggressions out wherever they can.

All of these things can make motivation feel like a struggle.  It may mean I am less functional for a day and need to concentrate on self care.  I see a hundred “todays” stretching out before me, all thoughts of future events burned to the ground.  When today is too much, it may mean I need time to think of other things, read a book, or do what I can to unwind.

Anyone can feel as though they are running low on spoons or mana.  It is important that we all do our bests to treat others with compassion.  We need to learn to walk away from arguments or situations we know will drain us for the things we want to do.  And above all, we need to be kind to ourselves when we struggle, not having unreasonable expectations in a trying time.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.