Communication can be a challenging thing. I advocate practicing until it becomes natural. Recently, I suggested beginning the communication process by taking some time and being honest with yourself about your feelings, since it is impossible to be honest with a partner if we don’t know what we want, or are unwilling to admit it to ourselves.
That is the first step.
Once you know what you want, the challenge becomes how best to express that to a partner. We have strong beliefs in our society that we have to conceal our emotions, lest we be thought of as overly emotional or weak.
I like to call my variant of communication “Diplomatic Honesty.”
My first rule for myself is to never communicate important issues when I am overly emotional about them. As tempting as it is to shove my hurt or anger at someone else and force a response, it is rarely a healthy solution, and generally does not provide positive results. Waiting until my emotions are no longer overwhelming may mean an hour, and in some cases, it may mean I need to sleep on it. If during this time my partner inquires as to my emotional state, rather than the stock, “I’m fine,” (which would be a lie, to be clear), I instead let him know that I’m having some feelings and I need a little time to process them. He has learned to respect this time, and we can discuss the issue when I am ready.
Once I have finished processing and am more calm, I find quiet time when I can discuss my feelings with my partner. Let’s say for the sake of discussion that he has informed me that he has realized he has romantic love for another partner and my initial response was a wave of jealousy. After having been honest with myself about why I had that feeling (fear that he’ll love her more than he loves me, that she’s prettier, nicer, better in bed, or that our relationship will change), I need to be honest with him that I had it, even if I feel it has been resolved. Honesty isn’t just about select moments or when it is convenient. If I had an emotion which might have an effect on our relationship, he needs to know.
During that quiet time, I have to be open to the possibility that there are things I haven’t considered, and that those may be pointed out to me. A discussion should be about learning on both sides.
Once we’ve sat down, I touch my partner in a loving way. We maintain loving physical contact during these discussions, as we find it helps us keep perspective and avoid losing our tempers. This is how I would handle the issue I described.
“Daddy, I want to tell you that I had some feelings. When you told me you love [Insert Name Here], I felt a twinge of jealousy. After doing some thinking, I realized it brought up some old insecurities.”
At that point we can discuss. I didn’t blame him for the issue, but instead let him know what my feeling was and why I believed it was happening, so we could deal with it together.
Diplomatic. No blaming. This happened. These are my feelings. Conversations can be very productive if we have consideration for our partners.
Their job is to listen and respond with intent to solve, rather than to blame in turn. This is a two-person (or more) job.
So for the partners, when someone you love comes to you with concerns, feelings, a conversation that needs to happen, take a breath. We all have imperfections, so it is important to avoid feeling or responding defensively. Denying an issue won’t solve it. A conversation and some compromise will.
About the Author
Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.