Communication 101: Be Honest With Yourself

Communication is a tricky beast.  You can’t communicate your feelings with someone else if you haven’t taken the time to process them and be honest with yourself.

I say again for the people in the back:  you can’t be honest with a partner or partners if you lie to yourself.

We have strange relationships with feelings in our society.  We like to believe some feelings are bad, and that we need to stop having them.  The truth is, feelings are just that:  feelings.  They aren’t right or wrong, they just are.  By giving ourselves permission to have feelings rather than trying to stamp them down, we leave room to explore the roots of those feelings and work towards emotions we find more pleasurable.

This is where the honesty with self comes in.

Let’s take a look at jealousy.

We tend to look at jealousy as a negative emotion.  People get a little uppity when they talk about it:  well, I’m not a jealous person.  The thing we forget is that jealousy can help us.  It is much like a weather vane before a storm.  It can tell us that some need isn’t being met.  Sometimes that need is emotional security.  Sometimes it is a need unrelated to the relationship in question, such as a need for more general positive attention, perhaps at work, or a need for more balance at home if there is a great deal of unrest or turmoil.  Being able to recognize and explore the root of jealousy when it occurs can help us find better solutions to create relief.

I hate to go there, but when looking at this next negative emotion, sadness, the movie Inside Out is actually pretty great.  Sadness can help motivate us, and help bond us with our friends, partners, and chosen family.  Taking the time to explore the reasons we are sad, such as fear of loss, can help point us in other directions for healing.  Anxiety can have similar function.  I was able to explore my own anxieties to uncover fear of abandonment.  Although working through that fear has been a painful process rather than a quick, easy fix, finding and soothing some of those old wounds has ultimately improved my overall happiness and satisfaction.

The first thing we need to do when faced with a negative emotion is stop and remind ourselves it is okay to have those feelings, though we don’t want to bathe in them and exacerbate the problem.

Once we have taken a moment, a breath, we can ask ourselves why we think we are feeling those things.  While understanding the surface cause is important, since that sparked the emotion, it is also important to dig a little deeper.

Without taking the time to truly understand ourselves, there is absolutely no way to communicate what we need to a partner.

I have used the example of the Marvel movies before as one of the few rules in our relationship.  Early on, my Daddy and I couldn’t schedule time to go see Thor:  The Dark World with each other.  He made plans to go with friends opening night.  Afterwards, I realized how much it meant to me that we take that time and go see those movies together.  It wasn’t instantaneous, though.  I didn’t just realize I was experiencing jealousy the moment he arrived home.  It came in stages, as the preview came on while we were sitting together over the next couple of weeks.  Once I finally realized it was bothering me, I had to understand why.  It was something I saw as special that related back to childhood things that I needed to acknowledge as part of my foundation.  Once I understood myself, I was able to sit down with him and express those feelings in a way that made me feel heard without coming across as hurtful or blaming.

But that’s another story!

Until then, the next time you find yourself struggling with negative emotions, remember to stop, take a moment to reflect, and if necessary, let your partner or partners know that while you have some things to share, you need to spend some time processing where your emotions are coming from.

And good luck!

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.