The First Shaky Steps of a Newly Hatched Subsadist

I’ve been thinking about sadism quite a bit lately.

It is conceptually fascinating.  It can live inside just about anyone and range from the smallest blossoming enjoyment of another’s pain to enoying creating pain in others as long as the recipient finds pleasure in it, all the way up to those who need to restrain themselves from causing real damage.

I’ve talked some about my journey into impact toy-making.  I suppose it goes with the name.  After all, Father Christmas’ bunny must have some role in helping build all of those toys for naughty girls and boys.  Well, something about creating these implements of ass destruction has awakened new thoughts and feelings within me.

Or perhaps they aren’t so new.  I’ve always fallen on the low end of the sadistic range, though.  Taking some mild enjoyment from watching people get spanked is a far cry from doing it myself, just as taking some small sadistic pleasure in video games such as Naughty Bear hardly translates to me ripping the innards out of my moderate-size stuffie collection.  Discovering these new desires to take that next step is surprising.

Awakening it was a process more than a realization.

It was a moment of enjoying someone’s distress within the confines of a scene I mostly spectated, and a small shot of glee when I had an indirect part in causing the next impact.  That spurt of glee left an impression.

It was discovering that my hobby of toymaking had modified into attempts at making more and more unpleasant (for me) toys for others to endure and the devilish gratification that provided.  The curious feelings within me drove me explore those thoughts, only to realize that there was a new desire to experience impact from the other end of the implement.

I’ve had people in the community tell me that developing some sadistic urges or skills in those areas is a common occurrence as masochists grow, though I don’t know how accurate that statement is.  Having tried my hand at some topping years ago and having found it quite unappetizing, that leaves the question of where does a sadistic submissive feed that part of themself?

One obvious solution is to co-top, learning the skills to perform impact and other desired sadistic play while handing the decision-making reins to the other top or actual Dominant.  This would take that uncomfortable feeling of being in charge of another human being out of my blossoming little sadist hands.

A subsadist friend without a play partner has turned to other methods for scratching that particular itch.  Some of it is filled by customer service work (and you wonder why those calls are so frustrating!), some is filled by biting sexual partners, but most of it comes from making particularly evil implememts of pain infliction.  Those toys give a sense of satisfaction unmatched by other areas of sadistic fulfilment.  Perhaps there are other subsadists feeding that part of themselves that way.  It certainly brings me some satisfaction and helped me realize new truths about myself.

As I’ve mentioned before in passing, some elements of BDSM can be incorrectly assumed.  Submissive does not equal masochist, and neither does Domimant equal Sadist.  Plenty of people who engage in D/s relationships may be neither Sadists nor masochists, we just happen to see Dominant Sadists and submissive masochists rather frequently.  Sometimes what we see as masochism is closer to submitting to pain in service rather than enjoyment of pain for its own sake.

With all that being the case, finding internet examples of submissive Sadists, or even references, is much more difficult.  One may find discussion here or there about finding others to match, but I suspect many have adapted to Switch roles, or do service topping as a way to feed those sadistic needs.

With the absence of information or discussion in this area, I find myself taking shaky steps with my Daddy and our partner, hoping to find my way slowly and safely.  In college when we asked questions without answers or found holes in research the solution was to call to the academic community to patch the hole by advancing knowledge in that area.

That’s what I would love.  Let’s see more discussion about subsadists and hear from Dominant masochists (Domichists?) to further the knowlege and understanding of our Kink Community as a whole.   These discussions and explorations could help people struggling to come to terms with these parts of themselves, and help them find the fulfillment they long for.