Dirk Hooper Photography
I was terrified to go to my first munch. I’m not sure what depravity I was expecting, or maybe it was fear of being judged for the secret kinky things that I wanted and was afraid to share. Either way, it was frightening.
Daddy and I decided to go early and eat dinner at the location, to get a feel for things. The food was good, I think, but it might as well have been a plate of broccoli covered in pickle juice for all the interest I had in eating it. I just kept watching people come in the restaurant and head for the meeting room on the second floor. Daddy had to reprimand me several times to stop people-watching and eat.
Surprisingly enough, no one was wearing black latex or leather gear in public. Go figure. No one had a partner on a leash. Some had come from work and were in business or business casual attire. Others were dressed in jeans. Everyone looked pretty normal.
We finally finished eating and joined the rest of the group. It was a newcomer munch, and everyone else except the leaders seemed as nervous as I felt. Most were quiet.
It was a good thing they had a pamphlet. They had a lot of information to cover. There was talk of negotiating scenes, etiquette for respecting dynamics at events, what to expect at parties, special interest groups, and so much more. To be fair, I had learned some of that from my extensive reading, but I imagine it was quite helpful to those without partners or with significantly less experience than we walked into the room with.
I think my favorite concept from our local community, which I have heard in other places as well, is the “Go Get a Cookie,” way of dealing with things.
Say you are at party and there is a particularly intense scene involving needle play. You happen to have a phobia about needles and watching that makes you feel nauseous and a little dizzy. What are your options?
Well, you could interrupt the scene and suggest they do that sort of thing somewhere where they won’t offend or upset others.
You could speak with the dungeon monitor and explain that you have an issue with needles and that you’d like the DM to have that scene stopped.
Not your job!
You can go get a cookie.
That’s right. You walk away. If you cannot watch needle play without feeling nauseous or faint, you should walk away and not watch. The people who negotiated that scene have every right to play there in public if they so desire, and the right to do so without your interference.
When you walk away to go get a cookie, perhaps you retreat to the refreshment area and get an actual cookie or a drink. Maybe that means you step outside for a breath of fresh air. Either way, it means that you walk away from something you find uncomfortable.
Hopefully, if people want to have a scene which may contain elements that can concern others, they have communicated their intent to the DM, so that if you do happen to speak with that person, he or she can explain that the scene has been negotiated and cleared, and then can suggest that you go get a cookie.
Maybe it isn’t needles that are the problem. Perhaps it is a scene where the bottom is being kicked or punched, an emotional masochism scene, or a scene involving knives or blood or CNC that bother you. It is important to remember that people come to events and play in public for their own reasons. Perhaps the people involved feel safer with public play during their early scenes. Perhaps they enjoy a little exhibitionism. It could be more impromptu play, or they may have neighbors who might contact law enforcement about screams. Whatever their reasons, they deserve the respect and safety of uninterrupted scenes as much as the rest of us. If it bothers you, go and get a cookie.
There is absolutely no shame in walking away. We all have areas of discomfort, and they will be different for everyone. I had zero problems watching a CNC demo scene at a party, but skipped the sounding demo since the thought made me feel flinchy, and I didn’t even have the correct “equipment” to worry about.
The great part about “Go Get a Cookie” is how useful it can be in other areas. It doesn’t have to be physical. Don’t like a Facebook post your dad put up about politics? Go get a cookie. See something on Fet about someone’s consensual non-consent and you feel the need to immediately explain to them how they are doing it wrong? Go get a cookie. These are helpful life skills.
We may not always succeed, but hopefully, the goal of having a kink community is to find some acceptance for our personal kinks. In order to receive that acceptance, we need to accept others for theirs. Sometimes that may mean reading something we don’t agree with and just scrolling on past. I think that is a skill we could all do with a little more of. Accepting does not mean we have to agree with, watch things, or participate in things which make us uncomfortable, it just means we need to walk away and let others continue with the happiness and enjoyment they find.
About the Author
Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.
I would live to go to a Little’s munch, but am too shy to go alone. Unfortunately I don’t have any close “little” friends and my kink is so buried, I think I would absolutely scandalized my vanilla friends even though one place to go to a munch is a Kareoke place which my friends know I live to do. I SO wish I had a daddy to do things with.
I am going to adopt go get a cookie as my personal mantra when I am feeling stressed, thank you!
Sometimes reaching out to a munch organizer and letting them know you are nervous can help break the ice a bit if you don’t have anyone to attend with you. I hope you find a good one!
Broken Unicorn says
That’s a pretty great article. I dig it.
Spot on…I think the only struggle is with the perpetually offended…never enough cookies!
It is a very important life skill to learn and flex your boundaries and respect others. I just love how sussinct you were…Go get a cookie.
Such great advice!
Thank you! It really has been the one thing that stuck with me from that very first meeting.