I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly (and sometimes sooner than monthly!) column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!
For this article, I’d like to deviate from the discussion of theory, and have a little fun with one of my favorite games: Tease and Denial. I’m a big fan of T&D. So much so that I wrote “The Joy of Denial”, with five short stories dedicated to deliberately building up a partner’s desire as a means to control them through the manipulation of resolution of that desire.
The title of this article is a double entendre. On the one hand, it contains the key words to a very powerful technique that you can use with any partner when engaging in sexual Tease and Denial. On the other hand, they also are the words that I feel represent the ultimate T&D result! This article will explore both meanings!
“Please Stop (I don’t really mean that)”:
Manipulation of “encouraged” desire is at the root of Tease & Denial. The objective is to stimulate desire, to build it up so that achieving (whatever it is that they want) is all the person can think about – and then demonstrating your control of that desire, so that the “victim” recognizes that only you can satisfy that need…that they are completely at your mercy and whim.
Desires come in many flavors, and T&D is not always about sex. However, when it comes to sexual T&D, the desire to orgasm is “the carrot”. The objective is to get the person so turned on, so needy for release, that they will do almost anything (“the stick”) to achieve it. You establish the situation in such a way that they are completely dependent on you (bondage, agreement, manipulation of fetish, physical device, orders, etc.) to provide that release, allowing you to leverage that power. It can be a fun game or a mild form of torture…or both 🙂
When I engage in sexual T&D, I’m aiming for two things: First, I want my partner to get as close to orgasm as possible, as many times as possible, and for as long as possible – without actually being able to orgasm. Secondly, I never want them to be sure if they’re going to get to orgasm, or not. I want them hoping, each and every time they get close, that I’m going to allow them to finish, but wondering if THIS time will be THE time. If I can get them to honestly believe that I am going to allow them to orgasm (without lying about it), and then NOT actually allow it, I’ve done my job. So, the trick is to get your partner right to the brink of orgasm, believing entirely that they are going to come, only to have the pleasure snatched from them at the last possible moment.
In a perfect world, you’d be able to “just know” when your partner is about to have an orgasm, and have enough forewarning to stop it before it starts. To do that without verbal communication requires a lot of familiarity with your partner’s body. If you’ve got that knowledge, fantastic! Go to town. However, I have found that such familiarity is hard to develop and, even if you get there, is not always reliable or truly at the most optimal moment. When you’re dealing with a person who is becoming more and more desperate, their bodies become more and more deceptive.
Most people can’t master their partner’s non-verbal signals consistently and reliably enough to depend on them. Consequently, they agree on verbal communication, whereby the “victim” advises when
they’re getting close. Some folks require the victim to beg for permission to orgasm. Others use a number scheme (1 is not close, 10 is too late). Others use a Red, Yellow, Green code to communicate.
I have my own method of communication – the words, “Please Stop”!
I find the whole “Please let me come”-thing to be whiny and needy. I like more articulate communication when a sub is begging for something. Unfortunately, a “proper begging” doesn’t lend itself to the immediate needs of the situation when a sub is close enough to come in a moment’s notice. So, rather than having them beg me to let them orgasm, I find it more fun to have the sub ask me to stop.
My T&D partners are under strict orders to ask me to stop them from orgasming when they are just about to reach the point of no-return and begin to orgasm. “Please Stop” is so much more appealing to me than “Please let me come”. It’s demonstrates their desire to continue their tease…and I know it’s KILLING THEM to have to say it…because every ounce of their body wants the orgasm. I find it a delicious and playful mind-f*&#!, and I love the irony of saying, “OK, you can have your way…you can stop short of orgasm!”
Human nature; people protect themselves. If you rely on your partner to tell you when they’re ready to come, they’re going to lie. If they think you’re going to stop them from coming, they’re going to tell you earlier than truly necessary. They’ll make all the right sounds, tense up, or maybe even ask you to stop, earlier than that last second before it’s too late. They do this to avoid the impact of perfect timing – because perfect timing is pretty tough to deal with – particularly the tenth time in a row! Therefore, to make certain they are as close to orgasm as possible, my “victims” are also required to orgasm within 5 seconds, should I choose to let them orgasm! So, if they ask me to stop, I might say, “No…come now: 5, 4, 3…”. And if they don’t reach orgasm before I say “0”, they know they will likely go a LONG time before they are allowed to orgasm. Therefore, they have to wait until they know they’re going to orgasm REALLY soon, and so, become active participants in their own perfect frustration!
I can use this technique whether I’m stimulating them, they’re stimulating themselves, or even if we’re having intercourse! When they get close, they have to ask me to stop or allow them to stop. It’s then my decision…come in 5 seconds, or allow them to stop.
Try it with your partner…and let me know how it goes!
“Please, Stop (I REALLY mean that)!”:
The other use of the phrase “Please Stop” is, in my opinion, the ultimate T&D compliment; when my “victim” reaches the point where they would rather stop everything and not orgasm, than to have to face the frustration of another denial. I am 100% certain that they are “cooked”, when they’re begging me to not let them orgasm AT ALL rather than get teased again. I don’t always drive them to this level of frustration, but it’s a fantastically fun place to take them once in a while!
And, OH! the things they’ll do for an orgasm, then!
Three additional thoughts on T&D:
First, T&D “sessions” don’t have to end in a single day. They can go on for weeks, if you want them to. The physical and mental impacts of repeated build up and denial transcends days. The added
frustration of having to go to sleep after just getting close to orgasm (potentially several times) is brutally effective, particularly if they’re giving you orgasms as often as you want them.
Second, in order to keep your partner honest and unsure if they’re going to get to orgasm, you have to let them orgasm relatively quickly once in a while. Don’t make every session a long ordeal. Keep them honest by allowing them to orgasm early in the process…so that they can’t determine a pattern. You might let them orgasm on the first session, or maybe the 50th. Keep them guessing, wondering, and off-balance so that they never know which time is THE time.
Lastly, when you eventually decide to allow their orgasm, recognize that it’s going to be a mind- blowing experience for them. They will feel genuine gratitude. If they are submissive, part of their joy is in knowing the level of control you have built up throughout the denial process. They will really like it (and you might too) if you “leverage” their desperation before allowing them to come. Make them promise things, or do things, in exchange for the CHANCE that this time they MAY get to come…and then hold them to those promises afterwards. That will make the experience all the more enjoyable for them. This is a great time for treats (read my article on gifts and treats).
I look forward to hearing your feedback. Tell me how it works for you! Post a comment below, or email me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com…or do both! I look forward to hearing from you.
Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.
I love to be on the edge and never, never ask for a break. I work hard to hold it back and have dry orgasms many many times in session but no release until the lady says. Please sir you’ve worn me out and I cannot take you please release for me.
In your opinion what are the best safewords to distinguish between the two?
I feel that it’s pretty obvious. A guy who is saying “Please stop or I will orgasm” and one who is saying, “Please, no more, I can’t take anymore” are two very different levels of begging. Either one is delicious, mind you…but they are very different and don’t require “safe words”, in my opinion.
good distinctions and point of view. Connotation vs dennotation