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The Pitfalls Of Guiding Others In The BDSM, Fetish, and Kink Communities

August 5, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

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We all believe we have something to contribute, and we do. Just because I have expertise in one area of kink, does not mean the knowledge and perspective of someone else who is less experienced is any less valuable. Others want to know what we know! It is why so many forums about kink exist. 

These platforms give us a place to learn from others and hopefully find help with our own growth. Sometimes those conversations migrate away from munches and kinks. People newer to the Lifestyle look for people they click with, to help guide them. Mentors.

However there seems to be a scarcity of available mentors forcing too many to seek their information solely from online platforms. This is worrisome as the nuance of kink and the bond is missed when firsthand observations are not available. I do not think it an understatement that mentoring in our community is more important than ever.

Understandably, many who have been in kink for a long time are overwhelmed by the numbers of new people to kink. Quite simply, in my experience, we are far outnumbered. This brings a new set of challenges in mentoring and guiding others. We want, and like, to help other people who genuinely care to learn. However, sometimes we have to be careful what we wish for, we might just get it, and then some. As mentors, we can get in over our heads.

What is Mentoring?

We do talk about mentoring a lot in forums and other venues, but what is a mentor? By definition, a mentor is an experienced and trusted advisor who provides guidance and possibly training. It’s a relationship designed to pass knowledge, to help others avoid mistakes we may have made ourselves, and a way we can learn more about ourselves through teaching others. By virtue of the relationship, the mentor is taking on a responsibility, less formal than having a submissive, but more formal than a mere friend. The responsibility of being a guide.

Mentoring can be immensely rewarding. There is a joy that goes with helping someone else succeed. We get to reexperience some of the things we have learned as we came up. Often, we begin remembering lessons we learned, and have since forgotten, or just started taking for granted. We learn new perspectives, as often our mentees see things in a different light than we do. We are challenged, to help solve issues we may never have considered before. As a result of all these things, we grow also. 

Like any other type of relationship, mentoring has traps and pitfalls which are easily fallen into if we, do not take the time to think things through. Please, don’t take this as me trying to scare you off. I am not! However, if this can save you some pain in the process, then why shouldn’t I share what I have learned? Here are just a few of the more common ones.

Things to Consider

Time Management: Have you ever been involved in an activity or organization where you got to the point, “Damn, this is eating up all my spare time! How did I get here?” I have, on more than one occasion. It was my own fault. I failed to set personal boundaries regarding my time, and kept saying yes to things, when I really should have said no. That drive to help blinded me. As a result, other things in my life suffered, or the organization I was volunteering for or mentee suffered. There are only so many hours in the day, guard them wisely. 

If we take on a mentoring role, real thought should be given regarding how much time you can dedicate without doing ourself, or our mentee a disservice. There may be times you have to decline being a mentor, just because, you do not have the time. That doesn’t mean we can’t or shouldn’t try to help occasionally, just we may not be able to help as much as they would like us to.

Ask these questions- How much time can I give this person on a weekly or monthly basis? How much time do they believe they need from me? Do these line up? Is there somewhere in the middle that would work for both of us? How is the time I plan to give to the mentee going to impact the other parts of my life? 

Making Your Goals Theirs: It is easy for us to project what we want to accomplish onto another person. We’ve done something, it worked, why not? Because it’s not our journey, it’s theirs. 

As a mentor, in my opinion, our job is not to guide the mentee to a specific result, but to act as a road map. To present options, provoke thought, encourage growth and progress, be a sounding board, and share perspectives. We can and should be the legend on the map, “There be dragons here!!!” Yet ultimately, whether they go to meet the dragons is the mentee’s choice. We want them to make good decisions, to do that, they need to be presented with the options and consequences of those options, both good and bad. Once that is done, it is up to them.

Ask them up front- What are your expectations from me as a mentor? What are your goals? What are you interested in learning? 

Sure, there are the fundamentals in the Lifestyle, I believe, everyone should be introduced to such as safety, respect, and core values. Beyond those things, we help guide the mentee toward what they would like to achieve while pointing out possible traps along the way.

Assuming We Can Fix Them: I am so guilty of this. Some people never really wanted our help in the first place, or they get into kink and the Lifestyle for all the wrong reasons. We make assumptions about being able to turn them around thinking, “If I can just get them to understand this (fill in the blank),” and other variations of that thought. If we find ourselves on this track of thinking, the relationship is no longer about how we can help them, it is about us not wanting to fail. Failure sucks! I get it. 

What you may not realize at that point, is that you didn’t fail. You were set up for it and it’s no one’s fault. Some people just are not ready to listen or be helped even if they are expressing otherwise. Recognizing this and knowing when to end a mentoring relationship can be difficult. However, if you do not you are going to wind up hurting yourself, and little or nothing will have changed for your mentee. They must be ready to learn and want to learn for the right reasons.

Making Decisions for the Mentee: “What do you think I should do?” Is a common question I am asked by a mentee. Making decisions can be hard business, why wouldn’t they want their experienced guide to make it for them? I have made this mistake as a mentor, as well as having been guilty of trying to get some of my mentors to make decisions for me. As hard as it is to remain neutral when guiding someone, being that middle grounds and pointing out options will be better for them, and you, in the end. 

People become more invested in their success, if it was their success. Conversely, they learn from their mistakes more readily when they can’t blame it on someone else. They choose, good or bad result, it was their choice. When the mentee gets to own the good and the bad, they grow. We need to allow them to do that, even though it can be cringy and painful to watch at times. 

Sometimes the Best Way to Learn is to Teach

Mentoring is a great tool and can be a phenomenal experience for both the mentor and mentee. I would strongly encourage anyone who is interested, to give it some serious thought. Not just Tops, Dominants and Masters…… bottoms, submissives and slaves. It takes all walks to fill these roles in our community. And you get something out of it too!!!! 

We get to learn about ourselves, find new ways to look at old lessons we had learned, and get a unique opportunity to challenge our own assumptions about kink and the lifestyle. Throughout the process we get the satisfaction of seeing someone grow and develop in a way which is healthy for them and hopefully mold them into an asset for the community.

There will be highs and lows along the way, but in the end, it is worth it. Hopefully, what I wrote hasn’t discouraged you, and maybe armed you with some information to make your mentoring experiences better. Whatever you do, remember to have fun with it! 

Make the experience something worthwhile for both of you.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm communication, bdsm community, bdsm contract, bdsm relationship, fetish, fetish community, kink, Kink Community, mentor, vetting

Video: Adult Baby Diaper Lovers

August 5, 2021 By Evie Lupine 2 Comments

Don’t miss this week’s video on ABDL brought to us by the amazing Evie Lupine!

Click below to find out more!

BDSM 101: ABDL (Adult Baby Diaper Lovers)

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, Daddy, daddy dom, Daddy/little girl, diaper play, dominant, fetish, kink, little space, littles, mommy, parenting, power exchange, submissive

Consistency Is Key!

August 1, 2021 By TAC 3 Comments

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We prattle on in blogs, books, boards, and conversations about trust being the most important aspect of developing a dynamic, finding a play partner, and being a “good” fill in the blank. But is it really? Where does trust come from? It certainly does not just happen. Like a bad rash it creeps up on us over time. Insinuating itself into our psyche often without us understanding how it got there.

Trust comes from many things, but in my opinion, mostly from being consistent. In our actions, words, honesty, and temperament being consistent with our partner becomes the foundation of trust. Can we have trust without it?

Why Consistency?

If we have a dog, and that dog tries to bite us every time we touch its head, can we not trust it to do so again, the next time around? In the reverse, if we have a partner who consistently corrects us each time we say we are not attractive, smart, or capable could we not believe they would rise to the occasion the next time? Simply put trust is built on the back of, “if A happens, B will follow,” generally without fail. Trust is a personal connection combined with having faith in another person to act in a manner to which we have become accustomed.

If for some reason, we put ourselves down and our aforementioned partner does not correct us what happens? Our brain registers alarm and we begin looking for why. Did they not hear me? Are they not paying attention? They acted differently than expected.

When we meet a new person and begin vetting them, the general expectation is that they will be honest with us. If we find them not to be, again alarm. They have acted outside of our expectation and set a new one. The old adage, “once a liar always a liar,” comes to mind. After that point we are forever wondering if what they tell us is the truth.

If we run across enough liars in the vetting process, our general expectation of people changes. All people lie. So the next person we vet starts in a hole which others have dug for them.

For good or ill an expectation is set, regardless of the expected behavior being positive or negative. Trust can be a positive and or a negative thing.

If Trust can be Positive or Negative, Why Does it Matter?

Evolution has built us to identify different, as bad. Something different means potential danger. Over time we can become accustomed to many things, even horrible happenings in our lives and they become “normal” to us because they have been consistently happening to us. 

It is why sometimes people who are abused, stay with their abusers. They know what is going on is not healthy for them, even potentially deadly. But they have become accustomed to their reality and can trust the outcomes of each day. Even if that outcome is a black eye, or worse. Evolution is working against them. The devil you know……

The opposite is also true.

Trust matters because it is a building block. The foundation of the structure built upon it. What we are really looking for in lifestyle dynamics is trust built from positive outcomes. That is the differentiator between a healthy and unhealthy dynamic. To get there, to build that, we need consistently positive experiences. 

Of course, there are going to be bumps or things which we do wrong at times, eroding that positive consistency. Hopefully, we have deposited more in the positive bank than the negative. This gives us a head start for when things really go wrong.

What Happens When our Bank Suddenly Overdrafts?

That really depends not on the partner in the wrong, but the partner who has been wronged and their expectations of themselves. Let’s face it, bad things will happen, hopefully not often. When they do, that is likely to late to decide if you are really committed to the relationship. 

To survive these events, the consistent expectation of ourselves should have been a foregone conclusion. Before our world gets turned upside down the attitude of, “I will stick,” can make all the difference in the world. It does not matter what cowpie my partner steps in, as long as the relationship is not toxic, I decided long ago that staying committed is the only option. No matter what, we would find a way through it. 

It may really suck getting through it, but we both have already decided the outcome to be positive. 

Without that consistent personal attitude toward ourselves, we allow doubt to creep in. Doubt prevents us from seeking truth and encourages us to assign blame. Blame never solved anything.

How Do I Get to Being Consistent?

Practice, a lot of it, and holding each other accountable. If one of us breaks the expectations, the other better be saying something. If one of us does something great, we should be expressing our appreciation. It becomes a way of life, a technique we weave into our communication, and an expectation in and of itself. Which, if done well, is appreciated.

It takes the ability to keep an open mind, not jumping to conclusions, and really listening and discussing what is going on. Not assigning blame but finding fact in an effort to design solutions. This no-fault attitude toward communication and accountability frees both partners to be open about more than just what we need to be consistent at but also provides the platform to discuss those things which are extremely difficult. All of which improves open and consistent communication.

Having written expectations, rules, and consequences (good and bad) aids in being consistent also. If we have a primer to follow, we are more likely to use it rather than wing it. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes we have to wing it, we cannot plan for everything. Yet that document allows us to temper the way we respond, going back to what we have agreed to, before deciding what to do. If gives us time to cool down and think about what is reasonable rather than acting rashly and maybe out of emotion.

Rash action is the enemy of consistency and trust. It almost never serves you well.

How Do We Benefit?

Learning to be consistent in how we treat our partner, and others, not only breeds trust but also confidence in them and ourselves. It becomes a launchpad for ideas because we know that if something we plan for a scene, or even life, goes horribly wrong the outcome will be a combined effort to get back to, “us,” not the destruction of us. What an incredible place to be, knowing that we can explore things which may be vastly difficult, and possibly even dangerous (regarding kink), knowing that our partner will see it through with us, no matter the outcome.

Is that not what most of us really want? That consistent person to explore with? The knowledge that tomorrow really is a forgone conclusion? 

Of course, we cannot stop what fate has in store for us. But we can plan for the way we will react to it. Every time we react consistently committed to each other, and toward each other, the stronger that commitment and trust becomes.

The rabbit hole is bottomless. All you have to do is decide to take the dive together, knowing if and when the bottom is found, it will be found together.

Consistency gives us a gift. The freedom to be exactly who we are with each other, without judgement.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm checklist, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm safety, bdsm scene, boundaries, communication, fetish, hard limits, kink

Indicators Of Inexperience

August 1, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly! 

In the relationships that I’ve developed over the years, either in my own dynamics or helping others  with theirs, I’ve come across a lot of folks with a wide variety of backgrounds, experiences, and  approaches. The only thing they all have in common, is an interest in engaging in power dynamics of various sorts.  

When you’re dealing with a substantial number of people, you begin to see certain tendencies, habits,  and beliefs that transcend backgrounds. These are things I identify as “trends”. One of those trends is  how folks fill-in for the lack of standardization of terms and definitions surrounding power dynamics.  They invent their own definitions…and it has impact on relationships. 

I’ve written before on how – as a consequence of not having mutually understood standards for the  practices of BDSM and D/s – terminology, identity, and even basic definitions are left up to the  individual’s interpretation. Consequently, everyone has their own meaning for what a dominant is, what  dominance is, what submission entails, etc. In fact, there are entire groups of people formed by a few  folks, choosing a single definition and protocol to be put into play, and giving themselves a label and  rules to follow to “belong”. 

From the perspective of communications, particularly with new potential partners, this lack of structure  and definition can wreak havoc. Assumptions as to what a partner means by a term, no matter how  common, can lead to gross misunderstandings and unfulfilled expectations. 

To compound this communication challenge, the lack of standards allows individuals to mask their  experience and knowledge levels. People without any real-life experience serving or being served, can talk about power dynamics, based only on their exposure to videos, written porn, or virtual realities like  Second Life. The number of “Cyber-Only” players, espousing their knowledge as if it’s gospel, is  frightening. Even Fetlife.com, which is a terrific resource for discussion and knowledge sharing, is  littered with inexperience masquerading as mentorship. 

It helps to be able to quickly identify inexperience. Luckily, there are a few “tells” that immediately  inform you that the person to whom you’re speaking is pretending. 

The “Do Anything” Mentality 

First off is perhaps the most obvious. The sub who claims they will “Do Anything” for you, Mr/Ms  Dominant! Only inexperience will make this claim. People with experience will talk to you about those  experiences, and will discuss what they liked / disliked about them. They will make suggestions based on  what other dominants have liked in the past and inquire as to whether the suggestion has merit for you.  The “Do Anything” submissive seems incapable of speaking about their own desires – until the dynamic  no longer matches them – and then they are ready to complain about the quality of domination. When  you ask a sub for a suggestion or an opinion and they answer with “You’re the dominant, you can do  anything you want” – it’s inexperience talking.

The “All the Time” Commitment 

Next up is the person – dominant or submissive – who believes that they will be able to maintain a  protocol always and forever. They lay out how they will act, how they will respond, how they will live – 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  

It’s just not possible. Life gets in the way. Reality happens. 

In my second book, “Uniquely Us”, I introduced Sean and Dave, a couple who took the time to write  down every single action they could imagine happening and what would happen next. They set  protocols for every conceivable situation. “The Book” served them for about half a year, then  modifications started overwhelming them. After a while, “The Book” fell into disuse, as they could no  longer keep it up to date with all the changes they were experiencing. Eventually, they wrote a new  “book”, which was only a couple of pages long that talked about their INTENT of service rather than  specifics. That became their bible. Armed with experience, they were far more practical and realistic about their expectations. 

The “I am nothing but a dominant / submissive” Claim 

This is the person who thinks that dominants and submissives are defined entirely by their role. They are  not a partner in a relationship who is the dominant…they are not a school teacher or a bus driver or an  executive – who also is the dominant in their home life. They are “A Dominant” or “A Submissive”, as if  that fully defines them.  

The inexperienced person idealizes the roles. They focus on the roles first and the person later. In the  fantasy, they see the person as being dominant or submissive every moment of every day. They are  super heroes, impervious to the mundane life the rest of us share. 

Experienced people understand that their dominant or submissive is a person – who is also  dominant/submissive. They look for relationships with people first, and focus on the bigger picture – assuming they want more than a session-based relationship. Their experience tells them that what lasts  in a relationship, are the sum of ALL of your dynamics and connections. 

The “Label-Dropper” 

People will come up to you and start talking in labels, without describing what they mean. “I’m a  submissive”, they’ll say. “Really? What kind of submissive? Do you mean ‘bottom’? Oh wait,  ‘bottom’…does that mean you like to be whipped? Oh…tied up and tickled? Wait, master…slave?  Property or servant?” 

The label dropper is likely inexperienced… At a minimum, they’ve never experienced anyone outside of  their definition-circle and therefore don’t realize that other folks could have a different definition for a  label than they do. They blindly believe that their limited contact is all there is to know. 

More likely, they are truly inexperienced, and are simply assuming that the definition for the term that  they read is widely accepted and that they are safe to repeat it, without really knowing a broader meaning. 

The “All Dominants/Submissives Do ‘X’” Instructor

This is the person who “educates” others on what “ALL” dominants/submissives do. They are the person  who tries to pressure their partner into doing the things they enjoy, because “that’s what all  dominants/submissives do!”  

This is a BIG indicator of inexperience. Though experienced people might make assumption about what  their partner wants – based on their experience with others – their answer, if called-out on it, is, “This is  what others I’ve been with enjoyed and I assumed you might like it too”. Its not, “This is what all  dominants want”! The experienced response acknowledges that their frame of reference is limited by  their experience and that their new partner might not be the same as the old. They know that different  people like different things and it’s best to learn about your unique partner and avoid assumption. 

The “All Do ‘X’” instructors are often well-versed in videos and written porn – they’ve learned by  watching media. Media has a remarkably homogenous storyline – and it truly appears as though ‘all  dominants/submissives do ‘X’. The ‘instructors’ have read what others are saying about what it means  to be a dominant or submissive and are regurgitating it verbatim, as their knowledge. They want the lifestyle they’ve seen, and try to find partners who feel the same way – often being disappointed when  they find that all dominant/submissives DON’T like ‘X’! 

Wrapping Up 

There’s nothing wrong with being inexperienced. Everyone was inexperienced at some point in their  lives. When I meet someone who demonstrates their inexperience, possibly in one of the means I listed  above, I attempt to help to educate them. They are often trying to appear more experienced than they  are – and in their attempt to appear experienced, they are revealing their inexperience. I want them to  accept their inexperience and work to gain real experience – just as the rest of us did – and continue to  do (because learning never stops). ‘Fake it until you make it’ can have some serious implications when  the cost of the façade is someone else’s happiness, emotions, sense of self-worth, or worse, safety. It is  far better to admit one’s inexperience and work with a partner to gain it mutually. 

There are no experts. No one who knows everything. For certain, I don’t know everything. Experienced  people know that learning continues, forever. Remain a student forever. 

As always, ‘define before you opine’ – recognize that there are no standards, and if you want to have  meaningful communication with someone, you’re better off sharing your definitions first and avoiding  labels. Look out for inexperience masquerading as mentorship. Help those who show their inexperience  by trying to appear more experienced. It’s OK to be inexperienced.  


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, dominant, fetish, kink, power exchange, submissive

This week in kink: August 2, 2021

August 1, 2021 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Don’t miss the fabulous art of Dayna Danger from The Georgia Straight!


SF LeatherWalk to return this fall!

Click below to read more from the Bay Area Reporter!


Learn more about Michelle Handelman, an amazing individual that paved the way for the gender non-conformity movement!

Click below to find out more from Filmmaker Newsletter!

“If Something Gives Me the Chills, or If I Ever Think, ‘Is This Too Much?’, Then I Know I Have to Use It”: Michelle Handelman on the 25th Anniversary Rerelease of BloodSisters: Leather, Dykes And Sadomasochism

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, fetish, gender non-conformity, gender queer, kink, Leather Community, leather family, Leathermen, LGBTQ, non-binary, queer

Video: Tickle Torture

August 1, 2021 By Evie Lupine 2 Comments

Into tickling?

Want to learn more about this fun type of play?

Then, check out this awesome video from the fabulous Evie Lupine!

BDSM 101: Tickle Torture

Tagged With: bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, tickling

Being Dominant and Being A Dominant-Worlds Apart

July 23, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

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There have been a rash of questions on our educational sites lately similar to the following, “Can a guy become dominant if it doesn’t naturally come to them?”

It’s a good question but needs more context. Too often we see people confusing the difference between a Top (the dominant role during a scene) and being a Dominant, the head of a power exchange relationship. Through conversation, we often find what they mean, is being a Top.

I wrote about this difference some time ago in a shorter article addressing the difference. In it I wrote this short piece and asked the readers to comment and react:

“Just because my personality is dominant, does not make me a Dominant.

Just because I have self-discipline and a dominant personality, does not mean I am a Dominant, or would even be a good one.

Just because I have a submissive, does not mean I am a Dominant.

All of these things are pieces and parts brought together by will, intelligence, need, diligence, consistency, integrity, self-motivation, selflessness and selfishness, and the ability to bond deeply with another person through the development of trust and the vulnerability of emotional connection. Using all of the aforementioned to develop a skill set which enables a person to show they are able to take on the committed role and can be trusted. Giving the submissive an opportunity to be as the title implies.

It is a web of factors which takes time, patience, practice, and guidance to form a larger whole.

Anyone can call themselves anything, but until they realize it is much more than any one or two things culminating in being a Dominant, they will only ever be dominant. There is a difference.”

All Hell Broke Loose

As you can imagine, there were some very strong opinions which came out of this conversation. Everything from dominants are born not made, dominants can be made even if they never leaned that way before etc. etc. It seemed like everyone had an opinion as to how someone inclined becomes properly a Dominant.

Lacking was discussion on what might actually contribute to someone being a successful dominant. Out of the hundred or so replies there were exactly zero about a dominant’s make up, only argument about what was properly a Dominant or not. It was at the very least disheartening. 

It was then I determined to write about what, in my opinion, really contributed to being a Dominant, not merely dominance. It wound up being 14 articles, with the Dominant’s Creed as its basis to give readers a baseline to follow. Some of that I am regurgitating here in this piece.

At the Center

I think nothing happens in this lifestyle which does not include the core of a person. Who they are underneath it all. Stripping away the façade of titles, costumes, toys, and the persona they may put on for others. In the end, whether they have a chance to be successful rests with them being a good person or not. Nothing more complicated than that. Regardless of the type of dynamic there are some commonalities which allow us to be that which we seek in kink.

Integrity and honesty, empathy and compassion, maturity and thoughtfulness, self-confidence and self-awareness, internal drive and motivation are among the many traits combined into a successful cocktail which enables others to see us as a potential Dominant. Because without a sub-type who wants our dominance, what good is it. First, they need to say yes.

Without that initial spark to which they are attracted in that submissive way, we are a rowboat without paddles.

If we happen to fake the funk and get someone to accept us and we are not a good person? Eventually it is going to melt down. People will get hurt emotionally, and possibly physically. The relationship will end simply because we have not taken the time to work on ourselves and become prepared to be that Dominant. 

Sure there are plenty of submissives out there who could spell disaster for us because they may not be a good person. However, we are not in control of them, only ourselves. There is not point in duping someone, or waiting till after a relationship is established to get ourselves squared away.

So We Find a Submissive

Great, now what? As I stated in the first portion of this article there is so much more than just being in that relationship. It takes effort and commitment. A whole lot more talking going on than playing, or at least there should be in my opinion. How can we be an effective Dominant to someone if we do not know them well?

I am not just talking about what they do for work, or if they have kids, or the hobbies they like. We need to dig deep into who this person is and why they are who they are. And they us. At a brutal level of honesty. This is going to be the lever that allows us to appreciate them as a person. Be accepting of the bad, not just the good. To see past the front we all put up in a new relationship because we all want to put our best foot forward.

This willingness to learn our partner in an emotionally intimate way speaks of our ability to be empathic and compassionate. Two of our greatest and most used tools as Dominants. They council us to listen more than speak, to ask probing questions, and to really hear and understand our partner. Without this, we step on many more landmines than necessary. 

No, Simply Demanding it Does Not Mean You’ll Get It

Even if we are a good person and have managed to find a submissive who is committed to us, we cannot be jerks about it, if we want it to last. Way back when dirt was invented and I was a new dominant, I thought that was the way it was supposed to work. I quickly found out otherwise to my shame and embarrassment. 

There is a duty of care and responsibility which comes with being a Dominant. That we first are looking out for the best interest of our submissive. Even as a Master, we have to be careful of this, even more so as a committed slave is less likely to come to their own defense in many cases, unless the situation is dire. This is not possible without having developed a deep understanding of our sub-type.

They are placing their trust in us to lead them in a way which not only fulfills our desires but helps them grow and fulfills theirs. If all we are is a machine which compels compliance without thought to the impact on our charge, the chances of the dynamic lasting long or very small.

Creating a Gravitational Pull

The moon stays in orbit around Earth because of the gravity it exerts. Similarly, being that good person at our core helps us create an emotional gravity which captures our submissive and keeps them in our orbit. It allows them to open up to us, in turn, freeing us to be that Dominant they desire. I say freeing because without that pull, everything becomes a struggle where we are having to work to keep them enthralled and interested.

The dynamic becomes work, like the kind we do not appreciate so much. Not to be confused with the effort it takes to maintain a healthy relationship.

It also frees our submissive to be accepting of our dominance. They can begin to and continue to trust us because they have learned we are a person worth trusting. Sure we have to do much more than just be a good and decent person. But it is a beginning worth striving for, and one which becomes foundational for a long-term commitment.  

The Goal

I think most of us want to have that stability in our relationships, even if they are not romantic. The purpose driven commitment to and of another person bringing a constant into our universe to look forward to, cherish, and rely upon in good times and bad. 

Is not this the hub on which all else turns? Our ability to maintain a healthy relationship with another person? To do that, to build that, we need to work on ourselves first. 

Realizing to become a Dominant, we must master ourselves first. If we do not, we will only ever be dominant.


If you are interested in the Dominant’s Creed articles I mentioned earlier in this writing visit this link to my page on FetLife – TAC_1’s Writings | FetLife

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm safety, bdsm scene, contracts, dominant, master, mistress, power exchange, protocols, rituals, slave, submissive

BDSM And Personal Discovery

July 23, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

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via stock.adobe.com

Some of us, one could argue both the lucky and the unlucky ones, knew we wanted something other than the vanilla heteronormative relationships that society in the 80’s and 90’s tried to condition is to want. Lucky because it is easier to find something when you know you’re looking for it; unlucky because you’d be surprised how many people want nothing to do with someone questioning and experimenting with their own sexuality. Perhaps my experiences would have been different today, but I can only embrace that which is mine and move forward with that knowlege.

Had I desired that vanilla heteronormativity, I’d have had lots of opportunities to figure myself out in middle and high school. Unfortunately, instead my late middle school and high school years are a jumble of memories of cuddling with females and being too afraid to take that next step for fear of rejection, and dark porn, clearly staged, badly acted, and a foundation for some sexual imprinting. For those of use who want bondage or any kind of same sex relationships, we don’t have those same opportunities to explore. That’s why the jokes about lesbians not knowing if they are being hit on and awkward bisexuals exist. We lack that early practice and have to stumble through the finding ourselves part while trying to have adult relationships. That’s a lot of pressure all at once.

The same goes for kink. We don’t have shibari opportunities in high school to figure out what works for us. So we all just do the best that we can and figure things out along the way as we figure them out. We are all on our own timelines. Some of us don’t discover that the things we like are not “normal” until someone slaps us in the face with that information. Maybe literally, who knows?

So what does that mean for the questing adult who has tripped over kink rather than sought it out? I have wondered lately how to explain what we do to someone without the foundation I assume people have when they seek us out. I suppose I would start this way:

Kink is many things to many people. It is not up to me to decide how an individual defines that for themself. It is not for me to judge provided the desired activity is consented to by and with a human of legal age who is capable of giving consent, and does not have the purpose of doing lasting harm, rather than fleeting hurt.

I would tell them kink can absolutely be sexual, but that it doesn’t have to be. Sure, threesomes are probably classified in there somewhere as kink, but when the umbrella encompasses so much variety and many different viewpoints, often times sex can take a backseat to pain, even if that pain has sexual connotations or elements to the people engaging in its practice.

I would tell them to find something that appeals to them, and then to seek out more information. Read books, browse fet, find local people and have conversations. Though it can be difficult, try not to find us scary or intimidating. We’re just normal people who happen to have bonded over a common interest. With some it’s video games or comic books, sports, or food. With us, we bond over kink. It’s easy enough to fit right in.

Above all, I would tell them to ask questions. It’s okay not to know everything. Our honesty is our strength. Everyone won’t know everything., and it is okay not to know this.

Most of all, I would suggest finding someone trustworthy to show them the rules. We see consent very differently from the whole of mainstream society. Sadly. It shouldn’t be different, yet the kink community’s views on consent are so much more empowering than the old rules I was raised with. Even with those differences, missteps are easy. Having a guide can make a huge difference.

Be open to new experience. Every day is a gift when we accept what is coming.

Tagged With: bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, bottom, dominant, fetish, kink, submissive, Top

This week in kink: July 26, 2021

July 23, 2021 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Don’t miss Mistress Eva’s kinky travel guide from Flipboard!


Check out this awesome advice about BDSM dating sites from Vents Magazine!

Everything to know about BDSM Dating sites

Harry Potter apparently has a naughty side! Click below to find out more about 17 NSFW things that transpired at Hogwarts from Buzz Feed!


Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, dominatrix, fetish, kink

Identifying as a Submissive: What does that mean?

July 15, 2021 By Ms. Rika 4 Comments

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via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!  

This afternoon, I had a good discussion (online) with one of my readers, who was challenging the notion  that the definition of submission must come from the dominant. In his challenge, he stated that this  statement excludes people who self-identify as submissives who do not have a dominant to serve. As far  as the discussion goes, I stand firmly with my statement – however, his point got me thinking about  “self-identification” as a submissive and what that really means. 

The process of self-identification is an important part of today’s gender and sexuality discussions. It is an  effective tool to break through predefined constructs and to open the door to more open thinking. I do,  however, feel it’s rapidly becoming overused, particularly when it’s applied in ways that go beyond the  gender discussion. You can identify as a lot of things…but sometimes calling yourself something doesn’t really make you that. 

In BDSM and D/s circles, people self-identify a lot. You have people who declare their preferences by  labeling themselves. Words like “dominant”, “submissive”, “fetishist”, etc., are thrown about without  real definition. Even the words “Submission” and “Dominance” can mean different things to different people, so calling oneself a “Dominant” or “Submissive” only has meaning when we understand what  dominance and submission mean to that person. Having a “fetish” actually has a dictionary definition,  

but modern usage has thrown away the clinical meaning in favor of “This REALLY makes me hot!”. Since  there is no credentialing system, people are free to declare themselves “Dominant of the world” and no  one can really argue. In reality, the labels are meaningless – but they bring a sense of belonging and  inclusion to folks, so why not? 

Getting back to the basis of the discussion, how can you define submission without a dominant?  

I searched for an analogy to support my point and I arrived at a reasonable one: A man who REALLY  enjoys cooking and feels he’s good at it, decides to self-identify as “A Chef”. Let’s say he only cooks for  himself at this point. In my mind, this self-identification is closely analogous to the man who really likes  the idea of submitting and calls himself “A Submissive” – although a submissive doesn’t submit to himself. 

My self-identified “Chef” doesn’t have anyone to cook for at this point. Can he really be a chef? Would  you hire him to cook for you? 

My assertion is that self-identifying as a Chef is a statement of your passion. It’s your preference and  “identity” and it means that you want to cook. I further assert, however, that when this person is hired  to cook for someone, the recipesthat are needed are subject to the tastes and preferences of the  person. What KIND of chef does that person need / prefer: a meat chef; a fish chef; a pastry chef; a sauce chef? Until you know what type of chef is desired – or what type of recipes the person for whom  you are cooking prefers, you can’t define the content of the food that will satisfy them. You might be a  “chef”, but you don’t know what you’re cooking until you know what’s ordered!

Self-identifying as a submissive is all well and good as a statement of preference and identity…but until  you have someone to submit to, you can’t define submission. Submission, since it’s tied to what you are  doing for another person, requires that other person to be there. You can’t submit to nothing.  Submission must be received as submissionto be realized. If you doubt that, ask the myriad of folks who  are frustrated trying to submit to a partner who won’t accept their efforts from a position of dominance or who are unfulfilled with “stealth-submission” because the meaning is missing without reception. Can  you identify as a submissive without submitting to anyone? I suppose you can, but there isn’t really any definition in that label. 

In fact, trying to define it without a partner can be detrimental. I have met a lot of folks who try to  define submission without consideration for a specific partner. They have preconceived notions of what  submission is and what dominance looks like. They create their own challenges by doing this. Very often,  they talk about “finding compatibility” (usually in the context of NOT being able to find a compatible  partner), which is really a colloquialism for “trying to find someone who has defined submission the  same way that they did”, which, if you really think about it, is basically confirming that the dominant is  the one setting the definition of submission, it’s just that they happen to want the same! 

BTW: These are often the same folks who accuse their partners of not being “dominant enough”… or … “not knowing how to dominate” or “needing training in how to dominate” or any number of other  inappropriate attacks. Don’t be that guy. 

There is also the notion that someone will be a good submissive because they are “experienced”. What  does that mean in the context of a new dominant; with new preferences, tastes, and desires? I’d buy  into it if they said, “I’ll make a good submissive because I have experience adapting to how people  define submission to them. My skill is learning and adapting.” THAT statement, I’d believe. But thinking  that they’d be a good submissive for dominant ‘B’ because they served dominant ‘A’ doesn’t fly. 

So, self-identification as a submissive is fine. Identity is important and preferences are important. If the  label means something to you, use it. However, defining submission without a dominant to serve is  folly. If your goal is to serve your dominant, you need to allow that dominant to define what serves  them. Then you know what “dish” is required of you and you can work to deliver that. 


 Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, dominant, fetish, kink, power exchange, submissive

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