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This week in kink: July 19, 2021

July 15, 2021 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Don’t miss this awesome sex furniture from BuzzFeed!

Best Sex Chairs And Furniture For Getting Down In 2021 (buzzfeed.com)

Interested in breath play?

Then, check out this informative article about some major breath play do’s and don’t’s from Women’s Health!

What Is Breath Play? Experts Explain The BDSM Practice (womenshealthmag.com)

In a long distance relationship?

Want to spice up your sex life?

Then, check out these sexy BDSM texts from Elite Daily!

How To Send A BDSM Text That’ll Give Your Partner A Kinky Thrill (elitedaily.com)

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Entering Back Into The Scene

July 8, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

power exchange couple with ribbon — via stock.adobe.com

As we all start returning to our usual pre-covid ways, I would guess that one of the problems specific to our lifestyle is the “If you don’t use it you lose it” principle. I know my flogging skills have deteriorated quite a bit. As an example, I was playing with a new sub last Saturday and actually missed the target get a couple of times. Fortunately, I was aware that when dealing with ropes, canes and floggers it is easy to screw up after an enforced “vacation.” The oft-quoted principle of “Dominant Infallibility”comes up very short after a layoff. This article, in place of my usual ”Ask BaadMaster”column, is a collection of tips to make your transition back into our world of dungeons and discipline a little easier. So here goes:

Go Slow. My first tip, distilled from my experiences as outlined in the introduction, is to “Go Slow.” Just as athletes take it slow when returning from an injury, we should too. This is especially true in impact play. And this +approach would apply to the bottoms/subs too. Like it or not, subs can be very demanding. So when first playing, don’t goad the Top into hitting you harder. We waited so long to get back our play spaces, one week or two won’t be that critical

Opportunity knocks.. If you are in a no-protocol or low-protocol relationship, it is easy to add a few rituals to your arsenal. For example, after your sub comes home on a Friday night and you have cleared out some play time, instruct her/him to perform a greeting ritual. Typically, the sub kneels in front of the Dominant and kisses his feet. Or, introduce some leash and collar play. Either of these not only adds a new dimension to your sub’s submission, but it also helps transition him/her from the basically vanilla world of quarantine to BDSM play. Just adding a little extra pre-D/s can work wonders when you finally get back to BDSM.

Add a new toy. I know you have lots of toys, but I doubt you own every one that is made! Search for a new toys at the local sex shop or online BDSM store. It might take a some effort, but as the martial artists (and sadists, too) say, “No pain, no gain!”
Add some discipline into your play life. This can get a bit tricky, because you cannot suddenly become a stern disciplinarian when you have not been one a year or more. I would tackle an area you have been neglecting. For example, have her wear a specific makeup that gets you hot; tell her to dress in fetish clothes or demand she do specific acts that you have discussed but have not gotten around to doing. Every couple has a few of these. If she refuses, then you can get into the punishment mode that can also be exciting. (This is from an “Ask BaadMaster” query,)
Use unique punishments. Since there is every chance your sub might not comply with your orders after a year or more away from the Dungeon,, you must devise some new and unique punishments that get you off and she has not experienced. For example, one punishment I find particularly effective is the use of a baby pacifier. Just the threat of making your partner wear one can have a profound impact. Many Dom/me’s use sexual deprivation as punishment. This is a great opportunity to expand your BDSM palette.
Don’t forget rewards. This one is easy to overlook. Piercings, tattoos and BDSM jewelry might work perfectly, depending on your relationship. And, if you expand your reward criteria to the non-BDSM world, you will have no trouble rewarding your sub for her excellent behavior.
Don’t call it a comeback! (Thanks, LL!) Don’t forget to include the most basic aspects of play when you are scening. It might seem obvious, but – even at the risk of looking foolish – go over safe words, safe signals and do not forget aftercare! Better to look foolish than be foolish.

Read our archives. There are tons of great articles archived here on Kink Weekly! Not only can you be a more effective Dom/me or sub with additional knowledge, but you can short-circuit the time needed to get back into top form.

This pandemic has had widespread affects on just about every field of endeavor – from chess to BDSM play. But think of it as an opportunity. Since one key to our lifestyle is inventiveness, use this chance to be…inventive!!!

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Scenes For New Doms With Experienced Submissives

July 8, 2021 By Evie Lupine 2 Comments

Identify as a D-type?

New to the scene?

Want to know how to play safely?

Then, check out this amazing video from the fabulous Evie Lupine!

Scenes for New Doms with Experienced Submissives

Watch this video on YouTube

Kink and Managing a Disability or Chronic Illness

July 5, 2021 By TAC 3 Comments

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I have always known life was unfair. We see examples of it everyday; I experienced and have observed it here in the US and many countries abroad. Fair is in August at the fairgrounds, there is no promise of it anywhere else. Knowing this, it should not have been a shock when my charmed life was upended almost two years ago by this principle.

Before I go much further, this article is not going to be about how you should or should not let your disability get you down, what you should or should not do in kink regarding it….. It is about me, and my challenges. Hopefully by letting you read about them (for the normal folk) you will be a bit more patient toward us gimped up people. For those of you who do face challenges, maybe you can find some humor and hope.

But I digress.

Almost two years ago I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. One morning I woke up and had no control over the left side of my body, had a hard time focusing or forming words, part of my tongue was numb, and half blind. Obviously, my better half was concerned especially since I struggled for a half hour to get myself together for work, like a dumb ass. After Nibbles threatened to knock me down and call an ambulance I relented and went to the hospital willingly.

Honestly, at that point, I thought I had a stroke.

The First Week

You guessed it, lots of tests: after several MRIs, CAT Scans, blood tests, an EKG, and two ultrasounds later I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. The neurologist put me on some high-octane drugs and steroids through an IV and I spent 5 days in the hospital. Time enough to contemplate and fear just how much my life had suddenly changed. Including kink. I was afraid I would never walk again, let alone be able to guide a needle or throw a flogger. The pit of despair I was falling into was immense. If it had not been for Nibbles and one other, I think I would have given up right then.

They reminded me I had a life to get back to no matter how that looked on the back side. We would figure it out and find our new normal.

Getting My Feet Back Under Me

The first few months at home I began to get back most of the motor function I had lost. Weaker than I had been before, but able to get things done with a cane and taking extra time. Movement was still slow, delayed. I remember one morning looking at my coffee sitting on the dining room table thinking my way through picking the cup up and taking a drink. Gone were the days, at least for a while, where I could just respond to my desire for that liquid. Everything was now a process.

And apparently, while I was not looking, I had become as fragile as a Faberge Egg. Every movement watched, being completely catered to, and my attempts to help out being rebuffed. I was allowed to do almost nothing for myself and I did not have the strength at the moment to fight it. So for once in my life, I did as I was told. At the time it was a great source of butt hurt for me. Now I have to look back and laugh at this sudden role reversal between myself and Nibbles. She was now in charge, taking on the dominant lead, and took the phrase mother hen to a whole new dimension.

Slowly I improved and over time I got back to more normal activities, well normal for me. Practicing with a flogger to see if I still could, a single tail, as well as other toys. Hell, I was not allowed to mow the lawn so might as well beat a pillow or two! And I did.

I found that I could passably work with my right hand with some effort. Florentine was completely out of the question and working from my left, we’ll just say I resembled a penguin with palsy. Even I had to laugh. But I kept practicing.

Tigers Hate Cages…..Even if They Are Gilded Ones

The first time back to the club, I might as well have stayed home! NOBODY would let me do anything but sit. Playing was not happening as a rotation of hens, now a squad strong, made sure my glass was never empty, my plate always had a “healthy” choice on it, and companionship was never more than twelve inches away. Now under normal circumstances, this might sound like I had hit the jackpot. Died and gone to heaven. Even to this day I am appreciative for all their help (that night and many others). In the moment, I was frustrated.

The big cat had finally made it back to his part of the jungle to be told he could not hunt. Doing the only thing I could, I put on a pleasant face and entertained those around me. From sunset until nearly three in the morning, I talked about whatever came to mind or was of interest. By the end of the night my voice was horse and throat so sore I wanted to jam a popsicle down my neck and leave it there. The experience gave me a new appreciation for the ladies who like to spend hours at a glory hole. Troopers one and all.

OK, So I Was Wrong – Changing My Perspective

If it is not apparent, to escape my coddled purgatory I needed to change how I approached things so those around me, acting out of a deep sense of care, would allow me to do what I do. Without hurting their feelings. I worked long and hard at home practicing with a couple of different floggers to make sure I was proficient enough to not embarrass myself or hurt someone. Finally satisfied with my progress, I talked to Nibbles and one of my play partners about setting up a scene that weekend.

I do not think I have ever, in my life, had to run such a gauntlet consisting of the number of variations and iterations of the question, “are you sure?” in my life.

I would rather have gone back through a military promotion board being grilled by senior non-commissioned officers for three days than repeat that hour or so of the concerned looks and expressions of uncertainty. I was certain, I was ready, and damn it……. If they let me….. I was going to do it. Thankfully, they relented. I had a date!

I realized though all that was happening, I was going to effectively earn their trust all over again. Not that they did not think me capable, kind of, but they did not want me to take on too much too soon and somehow goof myself up again.

Friday night came and off to the club we went. On the 30-minute ride Nibbles made sure to remind me as often as every other mile marker not to overexert myself, to keep drinking water, and that it was ok to stop and sit down if things got too much. Bless her heart, really. I think she was way more nervous about my scene than I was. Being the legend in my own mind, I was focused on making my chosen bottom cherry red from her shoulders down.

What really happened was I did overextend myself. I had a great time doing it, but the bottom was more concerned with how I was doing the entire time than just being in the moment. I think I spent more energy redirecting her back into position and to focus than I did swinging the floggers. No matter, I was back. All uphill from there. Just nobody told me it was going to be five miles, barefoot, in the snow, and into a headwind.

Yes, I was going to have to earn their trust again. So, in the moment they could focus and not worry that I might collapse into a pile of unresponsive goo. How?

Learning to Just Be Me Again – With a Twist

The problem was not theirs it was mine for the most part. They had every reason to worry because I was not displaying the self confidence in myself needed to inspire their confidence in me. I had to set aside the thoughts of what I could not do well anymore, and focus on what I could, as well as find new ways to function. That included kink.

The next several months were focused on what I could relearn, building a different muscle memory, or new ways to do old things. Short play sessions to put theories into practice and help reconnect with Nibbles and other play partners. Giving them an opportunity to relearn me also and show them I was not just trying to be better, I was getting better.

The more I worked on myself and worked with them, my self confidence grew and returned. They worried less about my physical state and started to enjoy play with me again. I rediscovered the joy in it. I guess old dogs can learn new tricks.

A Weird Blessing in Disguise

No, I am not the person I was before MS reared its ugly head. But what am I going to do? Give it back? There is nothing to do but be the best me regardless of the circumstance. I would like to think, in some perverse way it pushed me to be a better top and dominant, even though different. It forced me to look at myself, kink, and my partners in a new way. Shoving me out of complacent patterns allowing me to be more creative.

The support of Nibbles, and everyone else around me, gave me purpose to push myself harder. Certainly, I could not have done it without them and their encouragement. As annoying as it might have been at times, I could not have asked for a better life partner and friends.

When it all first hit, I lost faith in myself. I doubted what I could do and if I could do. However, I learned as long as I kept pushing forward, the details would take care of themselves. That to claw my way back I needed to trust myself again so my partners could trust and confidence in me.

The Breeding Fetish

July 5, 2021 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

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Over the years, I have become less conservative in exploring my interests. When I started out, I was very shy. I had all these different interests, and I was convinced that there was no way my partner would understand. So, I stuck to what I considered “standard” kinks. Since getting with Master, I have found the freedom to explore anything that comes to mind.

So, I thought I would share one of them with you.

One of the kinks I kept hidden, for many years, was Breeding.

Traditionally, a breeding kink involves a Dominant male having intercourse with a submissive female with the full intent of impregnation. This generally means sex without protection and an intentional exchange of body fluids. It is considered a riskier kink (though not edge play) because bareback sex can increase your chances of a Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI).

It can also increase the chances of a yeast infection or PH imbalance. The vagina is generally considered acidic and should have a PH level of 3.8-4.5. However, sperm need a PH level of 7-8.5 to thrive. During unprotected sex, the vagina’s PH level will rise to accommodate the sperm, optimizing the chance of impregnation.

Sounds great, right?

Well, it can be. But for some of us, the ph level struggles to go back down afterward. An acidic environment (with the PH of 3.8-4.5) is naturally protective. Having an imbalance can promote the growth of bacteria and lead to several different types of medical issues (i.e. Bacterial Vaginosis or Yeast Infection). So, my personal PSA is to consult a doctor if you notice things do not feel right after unprotected sex. Stay healthy and optimize your kink.

Alright. Now we can get back to the fun stuff.

Breeding, over the last couple decades, has expanded in its definition. Let’s go over some different ways to enjoy your kink.

Role Play:

There are a few ways that role play can be incorporated.

Cross-Gendered Role play

Due to the expansion of role play aspects in this kink, there is less focus on the gender of those involved as well. For female/female partners, the use of a strap-on can simulate the action of breeding. There are dildos that have tubing in the center to simulate ejaculation. For male/male partners, the incorporation of other kinks, such as sissification, can make the fantasy of impregnation more realistic.

Breeding with Birth Control

For some individuals, having a resulting pregnancy is not part of their kink. This could be due to medical factors, financial reasons, or already having children. As such, the use of birth control can help mitigate the chances of pregnancy. As with anything, I recommend talking to a licensed professional to find the best option possible for you. I also recommend researching everything for yourself. As several individuals in my family learned, the pill form of birth control actually made them more fertile. For me, I have an implant in my arm. It lasts 3 years, has minimal side effects, and I am not allergic to it. While the chance of me getting pregnant is under 1 percent, the use of birth control is a secondary preventative measure.

Animal play

Animal play is an umbrella term for when one partner acts as an animal and one acts as a handler. Most often, breeding often uses role play of actual “bred” animals. While hudogs (i.e. human dogs) are occasionally seen, it is almost always farm animal role play. Hucows (Human Cows) are the most common. A hucow is defined as a “submissive woman who is into lactation (whether voluntarily being milked or forced lactation) and/or breeding (forced insemination). The breeding aspect is a newer addition to the Hucow kink.

You can also add objectification to this type of play. An example of this is putting a burlap bag over the “animal’s” head (which could even be labeled with “Breed Me” or other more derogatory sayings) so that the receiver becomes nothing more than a breeding machine or potential incubator.

**Animal play also gives an opportunity to play with artificial insemination as a form of breeding**

Consent Non-Consent:

Consent Non-Consent (CNC) is another umbrella term. It is often equated to “rape play.” I do not use that term for two reasons. The first is because CNC has so many different avenues of expression. Second, consent is paramount in our community. Rape does not involve consent in any form, and I feel that it needs to keep its own definition (and implications) without convoluting consensual play.

The definition I prefer to use is “[play] between two (or more) consenting adults where one of them does unpleasant or harmful seeming things to the other, who looks as if they’re not enjoying it, or not consenting.”

Breeding can be incorporated into almost any CNC scenario that you can dream up. All the scenarios I am about to list reference “role play scenarios” in which all parties have consented to the activities involved.

Blackmailing a co-worker, Boss/secretary dubious consent, Headmaster/student
Hypnosis/Mind Control
kidnapping, home invasion
Gang Bang

It is also important to me that CNC can also be a relationship type. It is most often referred to as a Total Power Exchange (TPE). I have talked previously about my relationship with Master. He has blanket consent to do as he pleases. He allows me the option of a safe word, just in case. However, I never know what is going to happen or when. I do not negotiate our scenes. That means that every time we play, it falls under CNC. I can scream, cry, say no or stop repeatedly but the only thing that will stop the scene is the word “red.”

As I have explored Breeding more and more, the only real consistent “requirement” is sex without a condom. Everything else is up to the individual people involved and as broad as their imagination.

I find Breeding is a kink that many still find themselves shy to talk about. I have seen it kink shamed on more than one occasion. If I have learned anything in the last 15 years, it is that there is no shame in kink if consent is paramount. Never let someone tell you what you can and cannot enjoy in your dynamic.

Video: The Five Types Of Attraction

June 24, 2021 By Evie Lupine 2 Comments

Curious to learn more about human sexuality?

Then, check out this riveting video by the fabulous Evie Lupine!

Decoding The FIVE Types of Attraction!

Watch this video on YouTube

The Ins and Outs Of Cuckholding

June 24, 2021 By SafferMaster 4 Comments

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If you lie awake at night dreaming of having sex with someone other than your husband, you might be Hotwife material. If you think about only having sex with men other than your husband, you may be a Hotwife.

The first use of the word “cuckold” is reputed to be in 1250 in the Medieval debate poem “The Owl and the Nightingale”. Many of Shakespeare’s characters suspected that they had become “cuckold”. The word derives from the cuckoo bird which has a habit of laying its eggs in other birds’ nests.

Today, cuckholding is a fetish. The cuckold is the humiliated husband of the “cuckholdress”, who in today’s vernacular, we refer to as the Hotwife, the adulterous wife who explores her sexuality outside of her marriage with complicit consent and even the active participation of her emasculated husband. This is not a discussion about non-consensual cuckholding. That would be called “cheating”, and the Hotwife lifestyle is an ethical non-monogamous lifestyle.

For a long time, men who had sex with many different women were called “studs” and women who enjoyed sex were called “sluts” in a pejorative way. What the Hotwife lifestyle allows a woman to do is to is to fully and openly explore her sexuality with the approval and support of her husband. She is the modern-day slut as defined by the book “The Ethical Slut” which puts female sexual self-expression into an appropriately positive context.

There are couples where the husband and wife explore her sexuality with the husband sharing his wife with others, where he is not cuckhold. These are the so called “Stags and Vixens” of the swinger world. This is not a discussion of Stags and Vixens. The true Hotwife cuckholds (denies) her husband with more or less severe constraints on his sexuality while she enjoys true sexual freedom outside of her marriage.

The sex partner the Hotwife takes is referred to as a “Bull”. The Bull might be one who is known to the husband or one who is not. In one of my escapades as a Bull, the cuckold husband found me online, and gifted his wife to me to use as I see fit. I would send him pictures of me using his wife and he would stay home to masturbate over the idea that he was getting live real time photos of his submissive masochist wife being dominated by a sadistic Bull.

Humiliation is a big part of the Hotwife lifestyle. She may want her cuckold to help her get ready for a date, buy her pretty lingerie or perfume or even that little black dress, and then she will go out while he is trying to distract himself at home. She might send him pictures or text messages about what is happening to titillate him, and when she comes home with a pussy filled with cum, he might get “afters” and clean up duty or even “reclaim sex” which is so hot.

To be cuckold, one must love his wife with all his heart and to come to terms with the fact that he does not satisfy her sexually and be totally OK with her seeking that satisfaction from her Bull.

So, what drives a man to choose to be cuckold? Often it comes out of a sexual fantasy – “I get hot thinking of you with another man” from him or “I imagine being fucked by xxx. My old boyfriend, when you fuck me” from her…that often leads to that “hot first date”. There is a lot of sexual tension in getting your wife ready to go out on a first date with another man. Its very naughty and so very titillating.

Imagine the tension as she comes home with her panties filled with cum and as she spreads her legs for “reclaiming sex” when he gets to eat her cum filled pussy and hear about her hot sexual encounter with her new lover.

Very often that is the extent of it. They play that game, and it excites their sex life and their marriage.

When the Bull gets involved, it can often lead to more. There are times when she is just more dominant than her cuck is, and she chooses to control his orgasms and explore her own without the Bull’s input. She may cage him and sissify him all on her own for her own pleasure and he may love or even love/hate the experience, and this is part of the excitement.

His denial is a huge turn on for him as well as her. He is sometimes simply denied by her, and sometimes forced to deny by being required to wear a chastity cage. There is something extremely hot about being denied for long time and then being allowed to release with her manual attention. I have known Hotwives who only touch their cucks dick with two finders of her gloved hand and only allow him to cum into a cocktail glass that he must swallow after he is encourage to cum with her two fingered milking.

The Female Led Relationship (FLR) is a very hot topic these days. IN these dynamics, he is denied. He is often caged and further humiliated by being required to wear lady’s underwear, suffer his wife’s sexual prowess with other men, and finally by being pegged by her either when she comes home, or when she otherwise pays attention to him. There are those Hotwives who additionally punish their cuckolds with over the knee (OTK) spankings too.

One of the more common scenarios is the small-dicked man who simply cannot physically satisfy his wife sexually with his tiny penis and she chooses, often with his full support, the satisfaction of being fucked by a man with a large dick. This is true of many Bulls, that they are fortunate to be blessed with a giant cock by usual standards, and they are advantaged by this good fortune to be able to pleasure many women. I have talked to Bulls who have fucked hundreds of women.

Humiliation is one of the major fetish’s expressed in Hotwifeing. Often the cuck is made to watch the Bull fuck his wife while he sits there, sometimes bound, sometimes caged, often both, watching his wife achieve orgasms and sexual ecstasy that he cannot possibly create for her with his tiny inadequate cock. Often, he is subjected to clean up duty. He may have to clean his wife’s pussy or ass, and then he may be required to clean the Bull’s cock too. There are situations where the cuck is sissified. Made to wear sexy lingerie and put on make up and perhaps a wig and possibly stockings, a garter and high heels so that he is pleasing to his wife and or the Bull. He may get fucked by the Bull or pegged by his Hotwife and he may find his cock permanently retired. He exists as a caged “gurl” to service the Hotwife and the Bull.

It is not uncommon in this lifestyle to have the Hotwife develop a relationship with her Bull and start to spend nights over there. Perhaps weekends. I have known Hotwives who have simply moved out entirely, but still require the cuck to financially support her. This turns into a sort of financial domination.

I have heard of situations where the Bull who has usually met the Hotwife privately and away from her home, unexpectedly show up on a Sunday, and while the cuck is fretting over the stove in the kitchen, the Hotwife is being fucked in the family bed.

There is so much involved in this lifestyle, it’s a FLR, it’s often a discipline based dynamic, it is overtly sexual, it involves ethical non-monogamy, it might involve polyamory, it involves gender fluidity, it involves fluid bonding, it involves denial and male chastity. Mostly it is about the full self-expression of her sexuality and her pursuit of her ideal sexual partners.

It turns out that there are many more submissive male cuckhold wanna-be’s than there are Hotwives to go around. Which makes it a buyers’ market. To take advantage of this mismatch in supply and demand, enterprising dominant women are creating opportunities for submissive men to serve. One such example is Femocracy Global which is committed to empowering and supporting Females’ rise to power in every corner of the globe and they invite male submissives to serve.

The point is that being a Hotwife is her choice. She has control of the relationship. She might be his key holder. This is a very powerful dynamic in an FLR. She locks his cock in a cage and she holds the key. Now he is required to take his mind off his arousal and put his attention fully on her wellbeing. She can choose to implement a discipline regime; she can take one or more lovers. She can require him to feminize to please her. She can require that he pay more attention to domestic affairs or more attention to pleasing her and or her Bull. She can dominate him and switch to submit to her Bull. She can be strictly vanilla at home and deeply kinky with her Bull who she may take as her Dom or Master, and she may be able to express herself an a kinky Domme at home. The FLR opportunities are endless.

As in any dynamic, especially one that involves more than one other person, the secret is to be in communication. Make agreements. Stick to them. Talk. That is your access to your full self-expression as a Hotwife. Enjoy the ride!

You might listen to the following episodes of our podcast to heart how real people are dealing with this aspect of sexuality (The Kinky Cocktail Hour can be found is on all podcast platforms, or you can search the archive here https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/).

– The Female Led Relationship

– The Hotwife Lifestyle

– The Mind of a Cuckold

– Stags, vixen, Bulls and Hotwives

– Pegging and Strap on Play

– Chastity Queen

– Domestic Discipline and the 50’s Household

– Cross Dressing

– Chastity and Sissifiction

– Cuck’s, Bulls, and Hotwives

– The Mind of a Bull

– Force Orgasms, Ruined Orgasms and Orgasms in Chastity

– The Pitfalls of Cuckholding

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com

New coaching content can be found on Patreon:

https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/

A Silent Risk of Bondage – Positional Asphyxia

June 24, 2021 By TAC 4 Comments

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“In many ways, oxygen is to the human body, and particularly to the heart and brain, what oil is to a car’s engine. Indeed, there’s a medical adage that goes ‘hypoxia (becoming dangerously low on oxygen) not only stops the motor, but also wrecks the engine.” (The Medical Realities of Breath Control Play, Sexuality.org, Jay Wiseman)

In a world where we love tying each other up (yes please) and delivering a good spank physical injury in play is commonplace. For the most part it is light bruises or red marks which disappear in days if not hours. People excited, displaying what their Top gifted them the night before are all over Fetlife or showing the marks off at gatherings.

Once in a while, we see injuries/marks a little more serious. Branding, scarification, bleeding cuts, lacerations, split skin, and very deep bruising involving the muscles come to mind. These are less common but no less welcome and attributed to heavy play.

Part of play for many, some even plan them. Easy to recognize, often talked (or bragged) about, and thousands of resources of information on how to care for them exist. We see the marks, can share them, and others know what to do. Although potentially dangerous, we have a map to work from and take care of them. What about the unseen risks?

There is a sneaky bastard many have not heard of. Something that can happen even during lighter bondage/rope play. It can be hard to recognize, and difficult to react to: Positional Asphyxia.

What is Positional Asphyxia?

Positional Asphyxia occurs when our bottom cannot get enough oxygen because of the position we have put them and the muscles supporting breathing wear out becoming over tired. Between hog ties, ball suspensions, predicament bondage, and other inventive poses we cause mechanical stress on the structures of the chest. Restricting the bottom from breathing normally. Eventually, the muscles supporting breathing give out putting them in a life threating position (hypoxia- the lack of oxygen at the tissue level).

I should clarify, I am not writing about breath play or other kinks which intentionally restrict breathing. Positional Asphyxia is the result of accidental circumstance in situations where we are not planning on breathing, or the lack there of, being part of play.

Positional Asphyxia is more likely to occur when there are additional physical stressors which causes their body to work hard. Wrestling, being thrown around in a CNC scene, physically demanding positions, and physical exercise are a few examples. The use of or stimulants or alcohol also increases the risk. Medical conditions such as heart disease, asthma, bronchitis, etc. can contribute also.

Someone who is physically exhausted and in a compromising position is particularly at risk as they may be unable to tell you they are in trouble. Gravity and their own physical state are working against them.

Recognizing Positional Asphyxia

When we play hard and for long periods of time subspace, fatigue, and lack of focus can make it difficult to see when a bottom may be in trouble. Let’s face it, both partners get tired and a bottom at the end of the physical rope (pun intended) may be lethargic and slow to respond. This combined with a top being tired from play can make us miss what is really going if Positional Asphyxia is an issue.

These things together can make distinguishing between what is normal (in the context of kink) and real trouble a much more difficult task. However, there are some general indicators which can help you see trouble and act quickly.

Symptoms of Hypoxia: (can vary from person to person)

Acute Symptoms- Shortness of breath, rapid breathing, fast heart rate, wheezing, coughing, changes in skin color (particularly the fingertips and inside of the lips)

Severe Symptoms- Inability to communicate, confusion, loss of consciousness, slow heart rate

Other symptoms may include- restlessness, headache, sweating, cold and clammy

Assessment and Response

THIS IS NOT MEDICAL ADVICE- When in doubt seek medical assistance immediately.

Before you run for the hills, as long as you are doing what is needed to check on your bottom you should be able to catch any issues before they become serious. Generally, it takes a long time for Positional Asphyxia induced hypoxia to occur as a result of being bound. However, once it does set in, there is no time to waste.

Hopefully, you know the person you are playing with very well and generally know how they act or react to various play. If they are acting abnormal to what you know of them, are displaying sign/symptoms of hypoxia, or you have a reasonable suspicion they are in medical trouble, seek medical assistance immediately. With that being said, there are some quick things you can do to help you assess their physical state and respond to potential hypoxia.

Assessment: Level of consciousness- are they unresponsive or seem very confused? Are not speaking or responding to questions? Breathing is fast or gasping? Do they have a headache? Heart Rate is very fast or very slow? Are they cyanotic (bluish color inside the lips or fingertips)? Perform a capillary refill test, do they refill in more than 3 seconds? Are they cold and clammy to the touch even though sweating?

If the answers to one or more of these are yes, they are possibly in a hypoxic state. The more yes’s you have the more likely they are in serious trouble.

Response: If you reasonably believe your partner is hypoxic (the result of positional asphyxia) – CALL FOR MEDICAL ASSISTANCE NOW! Do not wait, hem and haw and worry about what people will think. Hypoxia is a life-threatening condition which can cause serious harm to major organs and death in a very short period of time. Sometimes minutes.

Get them out of any bonds and elevate their upper body and legs adjust as necessary however it is easier for them to breathe; continue to talk to them and encourage them to breathe deeply and slowly; keep them awake if at all possible; do not let them smoke, drink, or eat. Stay with them and do these things until medical first responders arrive.

If they lose consciousness and are not breathing and have no pulse, begin and continue CPR until medical first responders arrive.

You are the only one there and have to make a decision quickly. Yes, take a minute to help figure out what is going on, but minutes may be all you have. DO NOT WASTE THEM ON INDECISION!

Prevention

Now that you have dumped a full fecal load in your shorts and have sworn off any kind of bondage understand that there is a lot in the way we interact and play which helps prevent Positional Asphyxia and hypoxia from ever happening. The more we improve on the following skills and aspects, the less likely bad things happen.

Attentive and Present: Stay close to anyone retrained or bound. Not just because of positional asphyxia but there are other ways a restraint can have a negative impact. Have everything you need in the room with you before you begin to play. Including a charged cell phone and safety shears/rescue hook (keys and bolt cutters for hard restraints). Be attentive throughout the whole scene, paying attention to how they are doing and responding.

Communication (verbal and nonverbal): The louder the better. If they are loud, they are breathing and getting oxygen. Constantly be talking and eliciting a reaction from them. Use dirty talk, make them answer questions, whatever. The point is if they are becoming less communicative, we need to assess why. Watch their nonverbals. Are they a wiggler who has stopped wiggling? When you slap their thigh do they normally react? Etc. The longer play continues, the more physically drained you both may get. Make a point of asking how they are doing if you are unsure.

Physical Restraint Setup and Body Position: How and where you apply bonds be it rope, leather, or chain can impact the bottom’s ability to breathe freely. As you are applying the bonds check to make sure they are not so restrictive they will prevent the expansion of the chest. Ties which put additional stress on the chest such as behind the back arm binders or others which put the arms behind in an awkward position cause the muscles in the chest to work harder.

Gravity plays a roll. Head down positions will impact the ability to breathe over time. Weight/pressure placed on the chest such as a hogtie position (their weight is on their chest) make the diaphragm and chest muscles work harder to maintain breathing and wear out faster.

Be Technically Proficient: I cannot stress this enough. Learn and know your craft. Practice, loads of research, classes if possible, and interacting with more experienced players is a must. You both will have a better time and more likely to avoid issues.

Health Assessments (disclosure and annual physicals): Any medical condition which may affect play must be disclosed. This is for both of your safety. Even if the issue is the top’s. Get yourself and your bottom to a doctor once a year, or more often if necessary, for a general physical. We change as we age. It is just a fact of life.

Knowledgeable of Body processes and Physiology: Although I do not consider this a must, it is definitely helpful. Knowing how the body and its processes work can help inform your play and give you an increased margin of safety. Not to mention devious ideas 😉

Hydration: Drink lots of water before, during, and after play. We need water to make sure our bodies are working at their best. Water is critical in the oxygenation and blood circulation processes. If we are dehydrated, we are not going to be able to transfer oxygen efficiently to our muscles and organs.

Well Rested Before Play: Being well rested helps us be our best during play, ensures our muscles are ready for the stress, and we can endure for longer periods without our muscles giving out.

Final Thoughts

Regardless of your kinks or type of player you are, Positional Asphyxia is a risk you need to be aware of and know how to react to. For most players, this is probably something you will never see in your lifetime, hopefully because you have built good habits into your play.

Take the time to really learn and practice your craft, and have fun doing it. My goal through these types of articles is to help you do just that, have fun safely. Almost everything we do is risky, just take the time to find the counterbalances to those risks.

Do not be scared…… be informed!

Special Note and thanks: Great thanks to Dee Wells an amazing ICU Nurse for her expert eyes on this article. I may have stayed in a Holiday Inn last night but she does the serious stuff for a living….besides being kinky. And thank you to Dr. Wishesnottobenamed, wizard of the Emergency Room and Trauma-Fixer Extraordinaire. His insight was invaluable when sorting through what was important to include in this article.

For more information on Positional Asphyxia and Hypoxia and related information check out the links below:

Viewpoints Concerning Erotic Asphyxiation (bdsmcafe.com)

Bondage, Hogties and Positional Asphyxia (devianceanddesire.com)

Jay Wiseman essay on Self Bondage

Positional Asphyxia by Various (selfbound.net)

Article: Positional asphyxia | ESINEM Shibari Classes

Positional asphyxia (slideshare.net)

Hypoxia (medical) – Wikipedia

Hypoxia and Hypoxemia: Symptoms, Treatment, Causes (webmd.com)

How to Check Heart Rate: 5 Methods and What Is Normal (healthline.com)

Capillary Refill Test – Physiopedia (physio-pedia.com)