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The Live-In Slave

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When we first enter our lifestyle, we often are swept away by the allure of an ideal world of Masters and slaves living in perfect synergy. The Master is in firm control; the slave willingly obeys every command. It works great online. It is awesome every other weekend. It is mind-boggling at the dungeon party. But, the idealized concept of a live-in Master/slave relationship is quite different than reality, whether you are a newbie or an experienced lifestyler.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that there are both advantages and disadvantages in a live-in D/s union. I will attempt to identify the most critical areas in the live-in relationship, giving you both the pros and the cons of each as I see it.

• Trust. It is much easier to establish trust in the live-in situation because there is little left to the imagination. When you are with someone much of your non-job time, you can truly get a deep understanding of that person’s basic character. Since trust is such a critical area in a D/s relationship, the live-in relationship builds trust in a very deep way. Of course, it also can highlight any negative trust issues since little can be hidden from each other.

• Forget myths. This is real life, not social media. I never believed that the “myth of Dominant infallibility” had any relevance to a real life relationship of any kind. But, once you live together, there is no way to hide your warts and human faults. As a Dominant, don’t try to live up to some artificially perfect standard that you think your slave expects. As a submissive, don’t beat yourself up when you are less than faultless.

• Maintaining play levels. It is much easier to maintain an exciting level of play when you are together for brief periods of time. Here the live-in arrangement can easily erode play – even taking it for granted. One must keep your all aspects of play – including protocols and rituals — fresh and timely. After all, it is said that all relationships require work. Here the effort of maintaining your play levels will pay off handsomely over time.

• Honorifics. Here is where a little goes a long way. Calling your Dominant “Master,” “Sir” or “Mistress” on a daily, consistent basis truly reinforces the power exchange in a deep and profound way. Likewise, the Dominant’s “good girl” or equivalent phrase contributes mightily to the dynamic.

• Isolate key protocols. It is easy to gloss over protocols when you live together. Jobs, outside commitments and friends can make it hard to maintain essential rituals even in a low-protocol relationship. I suggest you identify one or two basic protocols that reinforce the fact that you are the Master/Mistress and she/he is the slave. I personally endorse the greeting ritual upon returning from work as a great way to keep the D/s dynamic fresh in each other’s mind.

• Slave diaries. I suggest the slave keep journals of your best scenes. In this way, the slave gets to emotionally re-live those scenes that were memorable and the Master can recreate those scenes if the play devolves a bit, as it easily can, over time.

• Slave contracts. Slave contracts have no legal standing. They cannot keep a bad D/s union working. But, they are powerful tools that can keep a D/s relationship strong.

• Discipline. As the Dom/me, you must be vigilant to see if and when your relationship might be eroding. It is much like weight loss. If you see a person every day, it is hard to notice any change in weight. Similarly, it is hard to notice when little things gradually go awry. I suggest that you take stock every so often correct small problems before they become big ones.

• Speaking freely. The Master must give the slave regular opportunity to speak her mind without fear of punishment. This is a simple human need and trumps all D/s theory.

• It’s a relationship. Don’t forget the “relationship” aspect of a D/s relationship! This obvious fact is often overlooked. Have fun. Go to movies. Laugh. A live-in Master/slave relationship should not be like working in the Siberian coal mines. The advantage of living together is that it makes it easy to develop a well-rounded relationship. Don’t neglect this advantage.

The key, as I see it, is for both the Master/Mistress and the slave to understand the pros and cons of a 24/7, live-in relationship. Obviously, not all of these suggestions apply to everyone. But, by being aware of the double-edged sword that such a relationship is, you can embrace the positive and avoid the negative.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

The New 24/7 Slave

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In a previous kinkweekly.com article, The Dynamics of 24/7 D/s, I had opined on so-called 24/7 D/s relationships. I would like to expand on that article and offer a 24/7 plan that can work in our fast-paced and demanding society.

There are a lot of differing opinions when defining the phrase “24/7” as it applies to slaves and submissives. Technically, the precise definition of “24/7 slave” would have to mean exactly that — serving twenty-four hours, seven days a week. Nonstop. This works fine in the cyber world of idealized relationships. But in the real world, there are life considerations that usually make this impossible.

Taken literally, one could never be a 24/7 slave or sub unless one were totally detached from our basically vanilla world. Thus, the world of 24/7 Dom/me/sub relationships would be left to the unemployed, the independently wealthy, those without kids and/or those without any obligations outside of the slave serving Master or Mistress. This would eliminate all but a few of us. Thus, what we need is a realistic definition that everyone here can live with. A definition that works practically — but one that doesn’t water down the intent of the phrase “24/7 slave.” This can be especially useful for the “New Guard,” who seem to have interests in many other areas besides BDSM.

I think the key to defining a “new 24/7” lies not exclusively in the physical realm. You do not have to literally be at the Master’s or Mistress’s feet all the time. It is really the depth of dedication, not the weekly duration of service. (Of course there are purists who will disagree with me. But what is a debate without opposing views?) The key is to examine the emotional foundation of the Master/slave relationship.

What makes a slave a slave? Surely, slavery is illegal; “slave contracts,” appealing as they are, cannot be legally enforced. Master/slave is, and must be, a consensual agreement. But, it has to be more than just a “consensual agreement” if it is to have any meaning other than a semantic one. It must be more than just BDSM play and service to a Dominant figure. Since “slavery” is consensual, how exactly do we measure it? The key to “slavery” being more than just another form of dating lies in the fact that, at some point, the slave becomes bonded to her/his Master/Mistress in an incredibly deep way. At this point, the slave cannot leave the Master/Mistress without incredible amounts of mental agony; he/she is welded to the Master/Mistress; he/she needs the Master/Mistress to complete his/her existence. Once this point of mental enslavement and dedication is reached, it is, by definition, 24/7. The slave is owned without regard to the time of day or what he/she is doing. The Master or Mistress owns the slave all the time, whether he/she is working at a job, at the DMV or on safari in Africa.

Thus, we can define 24/7 Master/slave as a mental state rather than a physical one. Using this definition, the slave is owned, emotionally and mentally, twenty four hours, seven days a week. Even when apart, the slave’s world revolves around the Master/Mistress — whether the slave is physically with the Owner or not. Once in this TPE “slavespace,” the actual number of hours and days served per week is irrelevant. The slave can be at a job, applying for a loan, or even be at a PTA meeting. As long as the slave is mentally connected to his/her Owner 24/7, then we can effectively say he/she is a “24/7 slave.”

This is one compelling reason for the collar. Worn at all times, it serves as a constant reminder that the slave is connected and owned by the Master or Mistress – twenty-four hours, seven days a week. The collar also has its spiritual component; it symbolizes the Owner’s touching the slave’s neck at all times. It is, to many of us, a lot more than just a vanilla necklace. Besides the collar, technology, such as cellphones, can connect the slave to the Master or Mistress at all times no matter how far apart they might be. 24/7 is a bit easier now than it was in the pay phone era. (“Slave, keep a roll of quarters on you at all times!”)

But does eliminating the physical 24/7 requirement make it easy to be a 24/7 slave? Of course not. To be a slave, 24/7 or otherwise, requires trust, devotion and the need to serve one’s Master. So, to those of you who want to own or be a 24/7 slave, this article offers yet another approach. Keep in mind, that when you wear your Master’s or Mistress’s slave collar, you wear it 24/7. You are owned 24/7. Even if you are on safari!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Reader Question: Non-sexual Rewards & Punishments

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This question was recently sent in to Kink Weekly: “My Dom and I are moving into a nonsexual version of our relationship due to personal reasons. But after so many years of sexual play, He is having a hard time separating sex from our D/s relationship, but I have told him it is possible. Can someone help me with nonsexual ideas for rewards and punishments that do not include humiliation?”

I am going to offer what I can to help, however, “humiliation” has not been defined specifically. I realize the reader is looking for non-sexual and not humiliating, however, humiliation is subjective. Keeping this in mind I will do my best to give this reader some ideas and, hopefully, in the process – give other readers ideas whether or not their relationship is sexual in nature.

Let’s begin with rewards since it’s a bit easier to know that humiliation can be avoided. The ideas are endless really. What does the s-type enjoy? Perhaps a nice outing to a favorite museum or restaurant. Cooking their favorite food or allowing for an extravagant dessert. Having a “date night” – movies, club, concert, etc. Other ideas include pampering – giving the s-type a foot rub or drawing them a bubble bath. If this seems to “servicey” (probably not a word? Lol) to you as the D-type, then perhaps buying them a professional massage or day at the spa. Footing the bill for a mani/pedi, tickets to a favorite sporting event, new items for a favorite hobby, book shopping, etc. From small rewards to bigger ones – just basically consider what the s-type enjoys and would like to earn.

Now let’s discuss punishments. This is a bit trickier when looking to avoid humiliation. I will do my best to give some ideas that I wouldn’t consider humiliating, however, they may still feel humiliating to others. I will, however, obviously steer clear of any sexual humiliation.

Some ideas that are very service oriented tend to work well. Cleaning is one example. Especially if cleaning isn’t normally expected or if extra cleaning can be added. For example, cleaning out the oven, bathtub or refrigerator. Re-organizing the garage or going thru the closets and doing a “spring cleaning” no matter the time of year. You could do extra errands for the D-type like doing their grocery shopping for the week or their laundry.

Another idea is simply taking away something they enjoy. Perhaps every night they like to have a bowl of ice cream – punishment is to not allow that for a night or a week. Perhaps they splurge on Starbucks on their way to work every day – punishment is to brew at home and take in a travel mug. Perhaps if they are really bad you don’t play that weekend.

Gasp!

There are more common punishments like writing lines or doing corner time. I don’t know how humiliating those would be considered. Again, much of this is subjective.

Be creative. When you really sit down and start thinking of things the ideas will probably start to flow. I hope this helps the reader that wrote in and I hope it helps others as well!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Maintaining Connection in a Power Exchange

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When two people are in a power exchange dynamic, sometimes staying connected requires some creativity. These days most people are very busy. So what are some ways to maintain that feeling of connection and power exchange when vanilla life and schedules get in the way? Many of the ideas I lay out in this article can be used in different situations.

Let’s start with an example where both partners live with one another. Perhaps they are married, perhaps not. Maybe they have children. One or both of them work. If they share a home there are, for one, plenty of tasks that can be considered service. Household chores, meal preparation, keeping the kid’s schedules together, etc. Yet how can we step it up to another level of power exchange? Let’s assume for this example the s-type is home more and perhaps works part time while the D-type works a standard “9-5” job. Rather than the s-type simply folding and putting away the laundry, they fold the D-types clothes a certain way that the D-type prefers. Or perhaps they prepare something for when the D-type gets home – their favorite drink waiting next to their chair, a bath drawn, or a special “outfit” under their clothes in case the D-type feels frisky before dinner! (Maybe all three – who needs to eat? lol) If there are children at home then, of course, that needs to be considered.

Let’s then look at partners that don’t live together – with or without others. (Remember that whole poly thing?) Maybe both have demanding jobs with little time to do tasks. Here are some ideas. The night before, the D-type tells the s-type what style and/or color underwear to have on the next day. This may sound silly or trivial, however, every time that s-type uses the restroom – guess who they are going to think of? That’s right – their D-type. And the D-type knows that as well. Perhaps an addition to that is that the s-type sends a quick picture from their private stall – pic of the undergarment, a flash of skin or a sweet smile. Even if this only happens once or twice a day – that’s once or twice that both people feel connected to the other and the power exchange is reinforced.

Another idea – the D-type knows that the following day their s-type will be running errands. Their task is to wear a plug and “squeeze” at every red light. Or maybe at certain times throughout the day they must snap a pic of whatever they’re doing – with the purpose of going thru the pics the next time they are with their D-type and sharing what their day or week was like.

Remember – just because one or both of you are busy day to day, that doesn’t mean you can’t find small ways to stay connected and maintain your power exchange. You may need to get creative – and that part can be half the fun! Just don’t think you are less of an s-type simply because you aren’t available for your D-type 24/7. You are still there in your heart and as long as you make the effort, your D-type knows that.

There are a million more ideas – I have laid out some to get you started. I’d love to hear other ideas that you have used in your relationships!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.