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Does Submission Need to Include Sacrifice?

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

I was, as I often do, reading some posts in Fetlife this morning. As I read through the posts, I noticed the  recurring notion that submissives “sacrifice” things: Their freedom, their desires, their dignity. The  common belief is that submissives “give up” parts of themselves in order to serve the dominant. That, in order to serve the dominant, they need to deprive themselves (or be deprived) of something they want.  To further the stereotypes: They are often either manipulated into this sacrifice, or want to sacrifice to a  dominant who will gladly make them do so.  

I got around to thinking about my submissives. I’ve never thought about them sacrificing for me…this is  what THEY want to do. I came to the realization that while they give a lot, they don’t actually GIVE UP anything. 

I sat down and discussed this with my husband (who is my slave). His answer was telling: 

“If I think about the way dominance and submission are depicted in videos, then it’s pretty clear  that the submissives are ‘put upon’ to do what the dominant wants. They are usually ‘forced’ to  do so, actually. They are often acting against their will and acting like they ‘have’ to do things  that they don’t, or wouldn’t, want to do. If that’s the case, then yes, they’re sacrificing…they’re  sacrificing their own wills and their own desires in favor of the dominant’s. But I don’t feel that way about my submission to you. I’m not sacrificing any of myself…I’m not  forced to serve you. I CHOOSE to serve you. I WANT to serve you. In serving you, in doing what you want and placing those desires in front of my own, I am getting exactly what I want. In fact,  if I were not able to serve you, I’d be sacrificing – because I would have to give up my ultimate enjoyment.” 

His answer got me thinking: Why does submission need to be a negative thing? Why do we think the  submissive is “oppressed”? My husband is certainly not oppressed.  

So this brings up the obvious paradox: If a man wishes to ‘sacrifice’…and is given the opportunity to do  so…is he really sacrificing? Isn’t this really what’s at the root of submission? There is a reason that  submissives submit: It’s not because they HAVE to…that’s capitulation and acquiescence…it’s because  they CHOOSE to. Submission is a conscious dedication to the dominant. Submissives WANT to submit.  

This paradox is as old as time, but how it conflicts with reality seems to underlie a lot of fantasy  activities. The fantasy is to sacrifice…but to be allowed to sacrifice is not a sacrifice. Submissives want to  feel they have sacrificed…many want to be forced to sacrifice – and yet, the very nature of free will and  consent take that away. The reality is, SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual), keeps the fantasy a fantasy! If  you crossed the line and actually forced a submissive to sacrifice, it would be considered abuse.

So submissives who want that fantasy need to artificially manufacture the illusion of sacrifice. They  crave manipulation, they want to be forced to capitulate. Many want to be put in chastity devices to  sacrifice sexual freedom, or want to live in bondage and desolate servitude…or sign contracts (even if  they have no legal meaning). They invent terms like TPE (Total Power Exchange) and CNC (Consensual  Non-Consent) to obfuscate consensual sacrifice and make it look as though there is no free will – when,  in fact, you can’t actually give up free will (because there will always be legal recourse to get it back). 

But submission is given a bum-wrap for this imagery. The fantasy is what people see – and what the  general public associates with power dynamics. The fantasy of sacrifice and oppression is what applies  pressure on spouses and partners who want to be served, but don’t want to oppress. It’s what some  submissives point to when defining what dominance “has to be.”  

It’s what I’ve been combatting with my methodology for more than a dozen years. 

In reality, submission is not sacrifice. Submission, for my husband and many others, is fulfillment.  Submission is their freedom. They are not ‘giving up’ anything at all…they are ‘obtaining’ fulfillment of  their desires. You can play games and enact fantasies, but ultimately, the actual submission is voluntary  – the devotion of submission is fulfilling and enlivening.  

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Kink and Ethical Non-Monogamy

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We have interviewed many polyamorous kinky individuals. We recently interviewed a kinkster who  shared her story with us about how she and her husband discovered that they are not sexually aligned.  Let’s call her “L” She is kinky and he just isn’t. They tried to incorporate kink into their lifestyle and while  she discovered that her sexuality is wrapped up in kink, he discovered that his is not. So how they dealt  with it, because they are life partners, was to venture into the world of polyamory, (what I like to call  “ethical non-monogamy”). They went poly.  

Polyamory means many (from English) loves (from the Latin “amore”). Polyamory, the word, is in much  more use in modern times, beginning in about 1988 and being much more prevalent and in use today.  The notion of many loves led to the more accurate descriptor, that being “Ethical Non-Monogamy”. The  ethics in play implies that there is agreement between the parties to have multiple partners. Not all non monogamy involves loving relationships, whereas polyamory implies that there are indeed multiple  loving relationships. In this case, our protagonist, L, and her husband B are in a polyamorous  relationship. L’s lover does not have a relationship with B and B’s lover does not have a relationship  (beyond friendship) with L. In polyamory, the partner’s partners are called “metamours.”  

L searched for and found a Dom with whom she developed a long-distance relationship, they met and  agreed to a D/s dynamic. She calls her Dom her “Sir”. She and he engage with daily communication,  tasks, etc, in an attempt to “normalize” the physical distance between them, while at the same time, her  husband, “B”, has found a local girlfriend and so they are now happily in this poly dynamic where she  gets her kink fix when she can, and he gets to explore his vanilla relationship with his girlfriend when he  can. It’s a very elegant solution. They love each other and they set out to create workability in their  relationship by creating an ethical non-monogamous solution, and they are both happier as a result.  

So, lets talk about this elegant solution to their relationship dynamic and all the ways it could have gone pear-shaped.  

First, when a couple discovers that they are not sexually compatible, its often the end of the  relationship. This couple did the adult thing. They talked. If polyamory is about anything, its about  communication. She had longings for kink and B did not, so he encouraged her to seek out a Dom and  she began that process online. They talked about what she discovered and what was pulling her toward  the kink dynamic and being confident in her love for him, he was able to say that he would be ok with  her scratching that kink itch with another man. Eventually, the time came for her to meet her Dom in  person. She realized that she had formed an emotional connection with him and she wanted to  experience herself as a sexual submissive. She craved it. They agreed to meet for a weekend in a central  location being that they live in different states.  

This is the point that most relationships that are attempting to open up simply fail. Most men cannot  stand the idea of their mate being sexually satisfied by another man. It has the potential of being very  emasculating. And yet, they agreed that she should indeed meet her Dom to see if this idea of  polyamory was or could be workable. It took a lot of courage on both of their parts to take this decision.  But their relationship was solid and the stepped into the wilderness. At this point, in the world of ethical  non-monogamy, what you have here is a 3-person conversation where there is agreement all around as  to what is important. The Dom was not willing to meet unless the marriage itself was stable and secure.  The marriage being stable and secure allowed the couple to have confidence in and certainty about their relationship as L went off to experience her first kink experience with this new Dom. They met for dinner  first and got to know each other in person beyond their phone calls, skype and chats. Only then did they  agree to play (in kink, scenes are called “play”) that she would submit to being used by him. They had  their first scene, and then she went back to her husband to debrief.  

This began a process of self-assessment for both him and her, and as L became more emotionally  involved with her Sir, talking on the phone every day, being tasked by him and so on, B began to feel  space developing, and by coincidence, he met a local woman with whom he had much in common and  with L’s agreement, B started to date his new gal, let’s call her “J”.  

So now you have a 4-way conversation that looks like this Sir-L- B – J. The secret to this polycule is that B  and L are in good communication, have a great relationship, and love each other as life partners. B and J  have a loving relationship that is going on 2 years now and Sir and L have a loving relationship that while  being long distance, allows Sir and L to explore kink to each of their personal satisfactions.  

The key to this dynamic is that L and B are deeply connected, in communication, and love each other as  life partners. This allows both B and L to explore sexuality and relationship outside of their committed  marriage in a true polyamorous manner that lives up to the idea of ethical non-monogamy.  

The secret to polyamory is communication. In a world where there is space between the couple,  polyamory is a path to relationship destruction. It’s only where there is no space and the couple speaks  openly and honestly about what they want and what’s missing that allows them to even discuss opening  their marriage and put polyamory on the table.  

Consider that there can be poly dynamics that do not involve sex. There are kink relationships that do  not involve sex either. In fact, among asexuals, polyamory is often the relationship model of choice with  many of the same challenges that sexual relationships have, especially where there is a partner who  wishes to have a sexual relationship. Polyamory is a natural and quite popular solution. In non-sexual  relationships, non-monogamy requires communication to the same extent as in sexual relationships.  

Where non-monogamy and kink intersect often is that there are multiple opportunities in play spaces  (pre-covid and soon to be post covid) where in a dungeon, a couple might invite an expert to play with a  partner. For example, sounding him while his partner watches. These are ethical non-monogamy  interludes that do not rise to the level of polyamory.  

All non-monogamy requires that precautions be taken to avoid transmission of STD’s when sex is  involved. Fluid bonding is a thing that really should be agreed to by all the parties. There should also be  a regular testing paradigm so everyone involved can be confident that they are not engaging in  excessively risky behavior. This is especially true in non-poly open relationships where sex is the point.  Swinging for example. Swinging is naturally an ethical-nonmonogamy construct and like much of  consensual play in kink, swinging can be risky and safety agreements should govern fluid bonding. This  goes for sharing of toys for instance and using clean condoms before sharing toys with a non-fluid  bonded partner.  

Kink and non-monogamy go together often. Ethical non-monogamy means that there are agreements in  place and that the ethics of non-monogamy are governed by those agreements. Can a couple exist  where one member of the couple is kinky and one is not? Absolutely. Can a couple exist where one  member of the couple wants to do things that are “hard limits” for her partner? Absolutely. Can a couple exist where one member is asexual and the other deeply kinky? Absolutely. All of these scenarios  can and do exist and they exist inside of agreements which in turn requires communication. It comes  down to this. If you do not ask for what you want, you will never know if your partner would agree. He  might, and if he does not, at least you are in communication and there is a chance you can negotiate to  an agreement. Kinksters are used to negotiation. That is the essence of the D/s dynamic. Having an  ethical non-monogamous relationship is a natural outcome of a conversation where you ask your  partner to do things to you that they are not comfortable with.  

As long as there is trust and love is present, anything is possible.  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and  personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching  out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms

Piercings

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Before I get to the BDSM question, I would like to take a little time to answer the one question I have gotten ad infinitum: “How did you come up with that BaadMaster name you use?”  Of times they insert a colorful descriptive into the question such as “lousy, awful, dumb, idiotic.”  I have heard them all, so it is time to explain the unexplainable.  Quickly stated, I moved to California at the beginning of the Internet-based BDSM world. As AOL chatrooms ruled the day (thus I still maintain, as an homage, my baadmaster@aol.com email addy), it seemed that every self described Dom’s handle was some variant of the following: GoodMaster, WiseMaster, GreatMaster, etc.  I, being a lifetime member of the Contrarians (there is no such organization), I did just the opposite – I chose BaadMaster. (I should have chosen Sir Osis!)  Over time the name became so integrated into the community, it was too late to change my baad name! And there you have it.  Now on to the regular part of our program.

Reader: When a guy gets an Apadravya piercing, or any of the “extreme” piercings, how does it affect urination? Do these piercings have other effects to be concerned about? Are these concerns the same for female piercings?

For starters, let’s explain what an Apadravya is. It is the generic name for piercings that increase the size of penis during intercourse, primarily to satisfy the partner. This would also include the Prince Albert.  Of course, when piercing the penis, there are more concerns than the run of the mill earlobe piercing.

So here is my advice: “Find a piercer whom you trust.”  Although this is great advice, it is easier said than done.  One of the things that concerns me about piercings is that the more popular they become, the harder it is to find a good piercer.  This sounds like an oxymoron; so let me explain.  A few brief years ago, before the current piercing rage, there was a network of people who could steer you to the best and — more often than not — the only good piercer in town.  Now, with a piercing/tattoo parlor on just about every street corner, how can you choose?  And with everybody pierced by a different piercer (the result of so many piercing venues), how can you choose a good one if you are new to this?

Unless you know of a piercer whose work you can verify by personal references, I recommend you select a member of the Association of Professional Piercers to do the piercing.  They have an awesome website (http://www.safepiercing.org ) which provides information and a list of approved, member piercers.   Piercing is not to be attempted by a beginner.  This group not only has professional criteria for their members, but they also have set minimum jewelry standards, too.  This is critical because piercings done with the wrong metals can contribute to infections or improper and/or unaesthetic healing.  Keep in mind, urination will only be a problem if your piercing is done improperly.

  1. APP Minimum Jewelry Standards
  2. Jewelry placed in new piercings must be made of one of the following metals:
  • Surgical Implant Stainless Steel CrNMo 316L or 316LVM ASTM F-138 
  • Surgical Implant Titanium Ti6A4V ELI ASTM F-136 
  • Niobium (Nb)
  • 14 karat or 18 karat solid white or yellow gold
  • Metal must be free of nicks, scratches, burrs, and polishing compounds
  • Must have internal tapping (no threads on posts) for 16 gauge and thicker.
  • Must have rounded ends on rings.
  • Threads 1.2 mm for 14 gauge and 12 gauge; .080 for 10 gauge.
  1. When choosing a piercer, make sure he follows these standards with respect to the jewelry he uses for the piercings.  And, at least here in California, they cannot pierce you with your own jewelry.  They sterilize the jewelry they sell and shrink wrap it.  After it heals, if you want, you can swap out their jewelry for yours.
  2. Danger of infection, hepatitis, and general aesthetic screw-ups are present whenever an amateur does the piercing.  I actually witnessed a nipple piercing at a garage at a play party.  The garage was pretty filthy.  Sure enough, the female submissive’s  nipples got infected and she had to remove her piercings.  In this case the she  was lucky because her nipples healed up perfectly.  But this is not always the case when infection occurs.  Infected piercings can scar, so sterility – both at the piercer’s studio and in aftercare – is of primary importance.  Insist on a general sense of professionalism and sterility in the piercer’s studio.  And remember,  in this covid world (I guess I had to mention it one more time!), sterility is next to Godliness.  If the piercer’s shop looks like Borat and his animals slept there, leave and find another place.
  3. One other common problem is a general sense of frustration with the time it takes for the more exotic piercings to heal.  You cannot believe how many people get impatient with their piercings while they are healing.  Nipples can sometimes take up to six months to heal; a Prince Albert can take even longer if you are a slow healer and play with yourself a lot!  
  4. As with so many BDSM activities, take your time and do it right.

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

On Discipline

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

As we all know, one of the composite phrases in the acronym, BDSM, is B&D: Bondage and Discipline. In  this context, discipline is defined as actions that are applied to the submissive, while the submissive is  bound and incapable to resist. Discipline could be impact play, humiliation, chores, etc. Urban Dictionary has a reasonable definition for B&D: “used in reference to practices involving physical restraint and punishment” 

Of course, “Discipline” has other meanings, both within, and outside of the context of B&D. The Oxford  definition has several, two of which are particularly pertinent to this discussion. The first is also often  thought of in a BDSM context: “The practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior,  using punishment to correct disobedience.” The second interpretation offered by Oxford hits home for  me in a big way: “Training oneself to do something in a controlled and habitual way”. 

In a sense, the subtle differences between these two definitions harken back to my discussion on the  different viewpoints people have on submission: That submission is either the passive or active role.  There are those who feel that submission is about having things done TO you by a dominant, whereas others (like myself) prefer to think of submission as being dedicated to doing things FOR a dominant that  the dominant feels is FOR them. In the first, submission is passive: Things are done to you. In the second,  submission is active: You are doing things for the dominant. 

In this same way, the first definition of discipline is about doing TO the submissive. The submissive is the  recipient of training; the recipient of punishment and adjustment. The goal of this discipline is  obedience, as defined by the dominant. The dominant is the one doing the discipline…the sub is  accepting it. This is what many people think of as submission. The goal of the submissive is to ACCEPT  the discipline and adjust their behavior. 

The second definition is focused on the submissives themselves. The submissive is structuring their own  behavior to act in a specific way. They are providing and generating the energy required to enforce their  own desired traits. They are motivated by an “ideal behavior”.  

For those who have talked to me, read my books, or read my articles here in KinkWeekly, you already  know that my preference is for subs to be self-disciplined. Self-discipline, in a power dynamic as a  submissive, implies that the ideal behavior to which you are aspiring, is known to serve the dominant  the way the dominant prefers to be served. The dominant sets and communications the ideal, the submissive works to achieve it. 

This is very different than having discipline thrust upon you. When you are “trained to obey”, your  behavior is motivated by the consequences of not obeying. The discipline is manifested in the form of  punishment and behavior modification. Contrast this to self-discipline, in which the dominant  communicates desired behavior and the submissive chooses to structure themselves to deliver against  that specification, motivated by their desire to serve the dominant in the best way they can.

To me, this is fundamentally the difference between “Submission” and “Acquiescence”. Read my article  on this subject, or my books, for more information about this distinction. 

So, when a sub boasts about how much they can accept, absorb, or endure…when they talk about  punishment and the need for restriction in order to remain focused on serving – I quickly lose interest. I  have no interest in manipulating submission. My interest is in defining submission clearly, so that my  submissives can provide the self-discipline needed to fulfill their need to submit to me. 

A sub who demonstrates discipline is far more valuable to me than one who accepts discipline. If you’re  a dominant and feel the same way, communicate that to your submissives. Change the way they think of  submission. If you’re a submissive, consider that your dominant may prefer you to be more self disciplined…and may not have even thought it “proper” to ask it. I strongly recommend that you use  these definitions as a discussion-point to help you further define your power dynamic with your  partners. It’s one of many steps on the road to mutual fulfillment! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Scene Safety in Mixed Venue Environments

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As time goes on money gets tighter and clubs dedicated to BDSM only are becoming more scarce or harder to get into. As a result, mixed venue environments are being used more often for events, gatherings, and play parties. Mixed venue environments are places which may be kink friendly but are not solely dedicated to BDSM such as swingers clubs, kink friendly bars/nightclubs, or any other place where we can reasonably believe the crowd around where we will be playing comes from differing lifestyles.

There are plenty of safety considerations when deciding on the type of play and setup for a scene in these environments, it all hinges on forethought and preparation. Stand-off distance, equipment choice/availability, crowd movement around the play space, crowd monitoring, and crowd composition are some of the considerations when setting the scene and deciding on the type of scene you will be running.

Playing Where Not Everyone Knows the Etiquette

“People should know to stay out of our way,” is often the attitude of my fellow Lifestylers who are not as accustomed to working in mixed venues. Except a good portion of the crowd will likely not know the safety standards, may be drinking or using other intoxicants, and likely do not understand the needs of the players for unencumbered space for everyone’s safety, including their own. What we often take for granted, others are naïve of.

Recently I attended a kink night at a swingers club. This was a common event once a month (my first time there) and many of the kink players there were not familiar with the space as they had changed the setup of their “dungeon.” What was previously a fairly open and lighted space was now a tight, crowded, poorly lit area. So overcrowded with equipment it restricted players in ways they might not normally have to deal with in a dedicated dungeon. In addition, as aforementioned, there were plenty of intoxicated people around to throw a wrench in the works.

A spanking bench was set up dead center in a 20’ x25’ “dungeon” surrounded by a set of stocks, two St. Andrews Crosses, a medical table, flogging post, and a rather large snake looking things which I have no name for. There were no dungeon monitors to prevent anyone from encroaching on play. Out in another area there were two suspension rigs hanging above the dance floor barely ten feet apart without any cordon around the space to keep people at a distance.

To those who might not know better, it might look like a very cool set up. However, the reality was this space was ripe for someone becoming injured, including bystanders. As a result, players were unable to freely engage in activity without being constantly encroached on; no suspensions happened but plenty of rather loopy people walked up and started using the steel suspension rings like a jungle gym to the chagrin of the two rope tops trying to get something going; and actual scenes were few. But plenty of people brought budget toys to go after each other in manners I would rather not describe. Not a single first aid kit was in sight.

I did speak with the venue owners later in the evening to express my concerns. To their credit, they were more than willing to help make changes in the future to improve both safety and the ability to play. They just did not know what they did not know. Not their fault, but I am surprised no one had taken them aside before and had this conversation.

Before I go farther, I am not blaming anyone. There are a vast number of people entering kink who simply do not know and have not seen what can happen when things go wrong. I am just focusing on what I was able to determine as potential problem areas and try to address how to play safer in similar venues should you choose to attend one.

The new reality for many of us is we must learn to work within the spaces available to us for our kinky gatherings. Whether we like it or not. For some, they are the only spaces available to them.

About Some of the Considerations.

Stand-off distance: Depending on the space available, we may not be able to run a scene with a single-tail or other long implements. How much room is available will drive, partially, the type of toys we may be able to use. Or we may get to where we are setting up and have to change what we have planned. Bring options so you can adjust as needed. We need the length of our implement, plus the length of our arm, plus 18 inches for a minimum safe distance regarding swing path (from where we will be standing, not from the center of the furniture in use). There also needs to be at least four feet around where our bottom will be so no one can reach in and touch them.

If possible, we should border the play space with rope or tape at waist height to create our standoff. If this is not possible, we might have to get creative with how to create the standoff. Or enlist the help of a couple other players to DM for you, and in turn, DM for them to help keep the look-e-loos at bay.

Equipment/Furniture: Whether you bring your own, or the kink furniture is being provided, it all takes up space. Where it is placed within the play space and what angle it is placed can maximize your room available without having to impinge on the rest of the venue. Regardless of what we want, it is not likely the space provided for play will be able to be expanded (indoors) and your choice of implement may need to change accordingly.  

Mixed venue spaces are geared more for the social, than they are for play. There may be other impediments such as tables and chairs, a bar, couches etc. which may limit where we can move kink furniture. Coordinating with local management to set up a play space for a limited time may or may not be an option, but it does not hurt to ask.

Crowd Movement Around the Play Space: Pay attention to the major routes of movement around your potential space. Which way are people traveling? Where are they going? Is it a route to essential services such as restrooms, a first aid station, or (chuckles) the bar? If you are able, pick a play space, or set up the play space so people only need to move on one side or another. Again, keep in mind your backswing area and over travel area for certain types of toys.

At one mixed venue club we attend regularly, our group takes over an elevated stage which is just about the right amount of room for a spank bench or horse and enough standoff to conduct flogging. Being bordered on three sides by couches (occupied by our friends) we are able to control the space fairly well.

Crowd Monitoring: We may need not just a Dungeon Monitor but someone to pay attention to what the crowd is doing. Often others in the immediate area will not understand what they are seeing and may try to encroach on the space in one way or another. The DM must have the ability to watch both play and monitor the crowd. In some cases, there may need to be more than one DM for the scene. Regardless, our DM needs to have the understanding that many of the people around them, do not know what is safe, needed, or expected. The ability to keep a cool head and explain things calmly will help greatly.

Crowd Composition: Let’s face it, some of the play we can get into can seem pretty rough, if not actually rough, to the uneducated observer.  Edge type play in a mixed venue is probably not a good idea. Knives, hook suspensions, scat, piss, roman showers, blood etc. can get the average Joe or Jane all worked up and upset. Giving consideration to the crowd you will be in front of, can prevent Joe/Jane from having the compelling need to save your bottom from you and putting your DM in a bad position. Not saying you cannot do these and other things, just saying you should think about it first and plan accordingly.

Be Open to Questions: After the scene, when appropriate for you, be willing to answer questions for those who are curious. This is your opportunity to talk about not just the scene, but why things were set up the way they were, etiquette, as well as other points we simply take for granted. Remember, they likely do not know, be kind.

Final Thoughts

We all want to have the safest play possible, have successful events, and forward a good impression of kink, BDSM, and our Lifestyle. A little extra time and planning can help make that happen. How we conduct our play in mixed venues gives us the ability to be good kink ambassadors. We can show through our actions, how we handle onlookers, and answering questions that kink is more than just slapping people around and skull fucking.

There is always a way to have our fun in these environments, we just have to be flexible about it. So go out and get your kink on!

TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to several online educational groups such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; and the Virtual Munch. His writing includes information on self-improvement, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics and power exchange, and safety. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for nearly three decades. He can be found on Fetlife at TAC_1

Pet Play: A Simple Life

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***All pieces of erotica are fictional. We NEVER condone anything is not safe, ethical, and/or consensual

They sit in the franchise coffee shop sipping steaming beverages from oversize mugs, non-descript men, and women. She’s scrolling through her phone. He is cradling his head in his hand and reading a document. He scribbled on the page, and she sat forward to respond to him. No PDA, but you knew they were together. “It is as we discussed. Let me know if we need to change anything,” she said matter of factly as she returned to her original position.

In calligraphy across the page was Contract of Submission: Owner/pup. Their pet names of Mistress Victoria and Kevin the worm and April 19, 2021, were the qualifying details.

The first section was grooming and health. The puppy was to inform Master if he ever felt unwell. He would wear a collar and home and a leather bracelet in public. Puppy is to present a clean bill of health, including STI screening before play. 

Owner’s responsibilities

Pup will receive care and attention for his needs. Pet will be watered, walked, and fed, every day. Toys will be provided when the Owner is not available. Pet training and play is 24/ 7 from Friday at 6 to Sunday at 9 pm in the Owner’s home. 

Pet will be permitted on the furniture with Owner’s permission. Otherwise, his dog bed or kennel. 

Rewards are at Owner’s discretion.

Play will include games like tug of war and wrestling, as well as paddling in the pool. Discipline and punishment may happen during training sessions. The water gun or rolled-up newspaper will be used to draw attention to poor pet habits. All attention will be withdrawn for severe misbehaviour, and Pup will spend no less than 2 hours in his cage without lights or entertainment.

Pet agrees:

He will learn to fetch, heel, beg, do tricks and lay at the Owner’s feet.

He will wear a collar and lead during sessions and be restrained safely.

Pup will use the human toilet and bath regularly. Pup will ask permission to use the toilet by heeling on the right side of the bathroom door and on the left side for bathing and hygiene. 

If it is an emergency, the Pup has permission to bark and call attention to his urgent need.

Pup will sleep in his dog run and have his blankets. Occasionally, the dog may be permitted to sleep in Mistress’s room on the floor.

Safewords and a triple clap or tapping stops play immediately.

The terms of the contract will be revisited every three months.

He raised his eyes to meet hers, smiled and signed to document. He slid the paper across the table and waited. She signed it and put it in an envelope. He reached for her hand, but she pulled it away. He whimpered and bowed his head. This 6-foot broad-shouldered rogue of man had the body posture of a naughty schoolboy. He sat silently and focused on this oversized coffee mug. She texted and paid little mind to him. She gets up, touches the top of his head and speaks softly close to his face before she goes to the bathroom. The intensity of the communication was palpable. You could feel his sadness and her displeasure. He finished his drink and was waiting by the door, like a dog awaiting the arrival of his Master. He held the door, and she walkthrough. They wandered towards the far end of the parking, in no particular hurry, despite to cold wind. As they walked, she reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. He seemed to perk up and stand a little taller as they made their way to a giant black SUV. She drove a black escalade with tinted windows. As they approached it, he helped her in and then sat in the back seat. It was difficult to see through the tinted windows, but it was apparent that he was getting a tongue lashing.

They arrived back at the house. She opened the door and let him go in first. Once inside, they put coats on hooks. He continued to undress and placed his clothes in a box at the bottom of the closet. He put black fuzzy mitts on his hands and feet before he got down on all fours. She took a choke chain and heavy metal lead from a hook and placed it around his neck. He raised his head to ease the process but did not move.

“Good, boy, walk on,” she went ahead of him and went to the kitchen. Pup picked up his lead with his mouth and made his way to the kitchen after his Master. He moved on all fours in a practiced manner, his feet were up off the ground, and his knees provide the much need traction on the shiny floor. In the kitchen, he sat near the sink and watched as she began supper prep. She gathered the ingredients and started to chop vegetables. He moved to her side and nudged her thigh with his head, not looking up. She pushed him off but did not make eye contact. All the vegetables were dumped in a colander, rinsed and ready to be cooked. He put his paws up on the counter and yelped—his chain rattling and scraping across the floor.

“Get down, mister,” she said, turning off the water. He did not move and tossed his head towards the vegetable. “Yes, you will get your dinner, now get down” she smiled at his playful, fun-loving nature. She tossed a piece of broccoli along the counter, and he gobbled it down. He went to his water bowl and lapped up some water. Satisfied with the attention, he wanders into the living room to sit on his dog bed.

Cooking smells soon draw Pup’s attention back to the kitchen. Mistress is putting chunks of chicken and vegetables in his food bowl, and for a treat, she tops it with crispy Chinese noodles. Pup bounds in on all fours, this time, he is on his slippered feet, and his hands struggle to not lose his balance. Mistress laughs at the comedy of his movement. He is delighted with her laughter and continues to wave his bottom and toss his head about. After a good laugh, Mistress tells Pup to settle down and eat his dinner. Pup crouches down and eats slowly, careful not to choke. Mistress checks in before she sits at the counter and uses chopsticks to eat her dinner. She scrolls on her phone and replies to messages. As she rinses the dishes and loads, the dishwasher pup watches everything; she does but stays out of her way. As she pours a glass of wine, she hears a yip. He is no longer in the kitchen; he is in front of the bathroom door. Holding his lead in his mouth.

As she removes the leash, she says, “Now, is that the right or left side of the door?” Pup looks confused.

“Potty is the right side of the door, don’t forget.” He bounds to the right side of the door and crouches as if to heel. “Ok, next time, I will remind you with the newspaper.” He bobs his head in understanding and closes the bathroom door behind him.

Mistress leaves her wine in the living room and goes to her room to change out of her business close. It has been a long week. When she comes out of her closet, Pup is on the bed and bouncing around, wanting to play. When he sees her, he freezes and holds eye contact. Flinching to invite Mistress to play. He knows he’s not supposed to be on the bed, but it’s fun to play on the bed. He bounces and motions for her to join him. When she approaches the bed, he comes to meet her using his head and should, rubbing against her hip and stomach, waiting for the attention he so deeply craves. She tussles his hair and strokes down his back. Pup slows and presses himself close to enjoy the closeness. Mistress is very kind and makes him feel special. He can’t contain his excitement and jumps up on her, so she falls on the bed. They wrestle and have playtime until the Pup is tired and lies down.

“Alright, off the bed, let’s go watch a show. How about a game show or a movie, no reality TV?” Pup barks and nods his head in approval. He gets down and makes his way to the living room. Mistress straightens the bed and goes looking for her wine. For the remainder of the night, she watches Tv and drinks wine while he lies close to her feet, content and happy in her company.

This week in kink: April 26, 2021

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What Is It About Impact Play?

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With her ass lit up red from well over 300 strokes with a heavy flogger, her cum dripping down her legs,  her mind floating in a hypnotic sub-space fog, she moans as my cock fills her ass.  

“Mark me Daddy” she coos.  

The cane stroke startles her for a moment, before she moans with pleasure as my cock again fills her ass  and my cool skin presses against her red-hot cheeks…she is cuming hard as she asks again to be marked  “mark me Daddy.” In our scenes, she is marked and then ass fucked until she asks to be marked again.  The cycle repeats until she stops asking or until I am so aroused that I cum. This week she welcomed 10  strokes of the heavy cane. She is a proudly marked collared slut.  

Impact play is ultimately a form of energy play. Kinetic energy that the implement delivers to the  bottom, who in impact play is referred to as the catcher, from the person wielding the whip, the  thrower, varies based on the skill and the amount of energy used to throw the whip. What occurs in the  receiver’s body with the impact is an interesting neurophysiological and psychological/emotional  phenomenon. What makes a masochist a masochist is the association of pain with pleasure. And at the  same time, there are people who do not identify as masochists who enjoy impact play. With that in  mind, consider that the first time a flogger/whip lands on the skin, the pain receptors, technically called  nociceptive mechanoreceptors, are stimulated to fire. They send their message of pain up to the brain  using a slowly transmitting message pathway of unmyelinated nerves. Think of it as if the pain message  is on a slow train to the cerebral cortex delivered by a chemical process of neurotransmission. If you  have ever bumped your shin hard, you know exactly what I am referring to. The message of pain gets to  the brain eventually, and with repeated strokes of the flogger, that pathway is chemically depleted. At  the same time, there is another process occurring that creates a chemical irritant to the nociceptors.  This time at the level of the capillaries. In the case of an unseasoned bottom, the capillaries fail and leak.  The blood that leaks will lead to bruising around the area. Deep bruising on a fresh bottom will spread as  the blood drains with gravity. In a seasoned bottom, this redness is transient, and reflects a slightly  different process which I will come back to. Local bleeding produces lysosomal enzymes in the  interstitial spaces, which create chemical pain as those lysosomes irritate the nociceptors. When you  press on a bruise, it hurts because those lysosomal enzymes are out in the interstitial tissues rather than  encapsulated in in the lysosomes in the blood vessels where they belong. In the seasoned bottom, the  local redness is in part due to the normal cooling mechanism of the body. Local heat causes redness as  blood comes to the surface so that cooling can occur, and heat can dissipate. The main advantage of  “warming up the bottom” is that the fluid filled tissue is very tolerant of impact play. With my slut, we  play almost every day and her ass gets very red, but a short time after we play her skin color has  returned to normal. There are no lasting effects of the impact play on the local tissue.  

Just a short note on pain interpretation. As best we can tell, pain is an emotion. We experience the  emotion the way we do based on many things from our upbringing to our nature. My mom was  incredibly stoic. She barely flinched when she cut her and badly and had to have stitches without  anesthetic. I have had a dental filling replaced without an anesthetic by just using visualization to  manage the pain of dental work. The point is that we all interpret pain differently.  

As a flogging scene begins, I gradually build up the intensity of the impact and the ass literally warms up.  The combination of repeated blows of a gradually increasing intensity brings enough blood to the area to allow the blows to land on tissue that does not deform sufficiently to fire off the deep pain receptors  and the sensation of impact play is normalized recruiting the normal sensory pathway, which is  delivered via high-speed electro-chemically transmitting myelinated nerves. Think of this as the fast  train. Imagine that the two pathways get to a station, and at the station, there is a gating mechanism  which gives priority to the rapidly conducting nerves, so the pain transmission is overwhelmed by this  new input and the sensation experience of the catcher changes to a sensation that is interpreted as  pleasurable, or at least, as a more normal sensation.  

Its that shift that moves the experience from one of punishment to one of pleasure. The impact imparts  kinetic energy that the catcher internalizes as erotic, sexual and arousing. This occurs because in the  cerebral cortex, the pain input is received, and because pain is an emotion, like happiness or sadness,  how it is received is up to the interpretation of the catcher. It is in this state of being in a hypnotic trans  that the catcher interprets the impacts as pleasurable, erotic or sexually arousing.  

The implement I choose to mark my slut with is the cane. I have a long history with the cane, both in  being caned as a child in school as well as an implement to enforce a discipline or impart a punishment. I  choose the cane as the implement I use to mark my slut as an act of love. She wears her marks with  pride, and she chooses to be marked on her terms. We have created a paradigm where she puts herself  forward for marking in our high protocol scenes and during the scene, I mark her when I am confident  that she is, in fact, prepared and ready to be marked. She occurs to me as ready for marking when it is  clear to me that she is experiencing a deeply hypnotic state or what we know as “subspace”, and that  her ass has been warmed up with hundreds of strokes starting with light and progressing to heavy, and  after I have flogged her on two or three separate occasions building up to the intensity each time  leading up to the marking. Once she is warmed up to my satisfaction, I alert her than marking is next so  she can prepare herself, then I give her one firm cane stroke with the heavy cane. I choose the heavy  cane because she is a seasoned bottom and in order to mark her, I need to make sure she develops a  deep bruise. What follows for us is that it’s up to her to request that she be marked again. Giving her  this choice has opened a new avenue for her to explore her masochism and her capacity to expand her  enjoyment of our impact play. There is a lot of power in her choosing to be marked. She is empowered  to test herself and she is immensely proud of her marks. To illustrate this, note that in the past, she only  tolerated up to 3 or 4 strokes before she limited out, with this new paradigm she is now requesting up  to 10 strokes and talking about asking for more. I have one more thing to say about the marking. The  intensity of the cane strokes pulls her out of her hypnotic trance for sure, so we have created a way to  manage the marking process, and then after the marking process if complete, I incorporate all the tricks  I have to create sexual pleasure for her so that she is able to return to her trance state. Marking for us is  not an act of punishment or discipline. Its part of our dynamic and its part of our agreement to live a  Total Power Exchange. In our dynamic, she belongs to me and I mark my belongings. With that said, I  have postulated that because she experiences orgasms with flogging, that before long, and especially as  her cane strokes grow in number, she will also experience orgasm with cane strokes.  

What is interesting about impact play is that there are all sorts of implements to enjoy experimenting  with. I have had the experience of topping a dedicated and long experienced masochist who was fulfilled  by suffering. She was more interested in being hurt than she was in having an orgasm. There is nothing  wrong with that, and that is not where we are in our current dynamic. As a sensual sadist, my interest is  in using implements that allow my slut to explore her sexuality, and her masochism as her full self expression. She is a sensual masochist. Not looking to experience pain for the purpose of suffering, but rather looking for pain that arouses her in the context of an impact scene. We have discovered that she  is partial to the heavy flogger. It brings out her inner slut and she has enjoyed the experience of as many  as 1200 vigorous continuous strokes with the heavy flogger. She is not, as it turns out, partial to the  riding crop, or the paddle or the wooden paddle which seems to be distracting for her. She finds a  rhythmic flogging to be what she desires to keep her in subspace and in full arousal. She finds that the  experience of intermittent strokes or strokes that surprise her tend to “break the spell” as it were. That’s  not her jam. She wants predictable impact play that allows her to explore the depths of her masochism  and her journey in subspace and rhythms that maintain the hypnotic and erotic state of mind seem  more suited to her sexual inquiry.  

Thinking about floggers, there is a continuum from light floggers to heavy, to cat-of-nine tails, to snake  whips to single tails to bullwhips.  

The natural progression is that in the case of throwing and catching whips, there is a progression that  requires skills. Luckily, the skills build from implement to implement. Also, there is a difference between  punishment and sexuality. In this writing, I am speaking about sensual sadism while using whips and  floggers for hypnotic impact play. This is the way we use the flogger. The impact play scenes we engage  in are erotic and hypnotic by nature. This means that there is loud music and the rhythmic strokes that  build up from lighter to heavier are predictable to her and timed with the music. Because I can increase  the intensity on a gradient without changing rhythm or by suddenly changing the intensity too  dramatically, I can keep her in that hypnotic trance state for a long time. The below threshold intensity  of the rhythmic flogging that we engage in helps to both create a hypnotic trance, and to sustain the  experience such that I can increase and decrease the intensity of the flogging so she can ride waves of  pleasure during our play. The only unpredictable variable in our use of the flogger then is the duration of  the flogging. What I never do is “shock” her with an unreasonably heavy strike so she comes out of the  hypnotic trance she is experiencing.  

The choice to move from flogger to cat-of-nine requires the learning of a skillset to keep all nine fronds  of the whip on target. This is amplified in difficulty by orders of magnitude with each successive whip as  the number of fronds goes down, and the length of the whip increases, requiring one to use more force  to get the whip on target with each transition from one whip to the next. By the time you get to single  tails, you are dealing with a whip that can move at subsonic speeds imparting a massive amount of  kinetic energy to the catcher with each stroke. There is no advantage to whip a catcher at super sonic  speeds, that is to say, to crack the whip on the person, and even a sub-sonic whipping, where you crack  the whip just before it impacts the catcher, imparts a significant amount of kinetic energy to the catcher,  who’s skin will likely break unless they are very experienced at catching high intensity whips.  

The definitive work on whips is “Whips in the Dungeon: Singletail Technique” by Dex who also has an  extensive video library and who regularly hosts educational sessions on whip play on Amazon. Dex  maintains a Patreon for a lot of his very worthwhile content too. You can find that here:  https://www.patreon.com/witd. And you can access his Whips in the Dungeon video library that  accompanies the text here http://witd.houseofgraves.com/witd/. If you want to learn to be a proficient  whip thrower, I strongly recommend the Dex method that progresses you from one whip to the next  most difficult whip on the way to the single tail. Dex has a couple of Youtube channels and a facebook  page that you can follow him on. All of those links are available on his fetlife page. Just search for Dex. 

There are two participants in our impact play scenes. The thrower (me) and the catcher (her). In our  scenes, we use impact play as in integral part of our sexual encounters. I use chain bondage, and her  obedience to create a deep dive into hypnotic subspace, and along with hypnotic erotic flogging, take  her to that place where her sexual self-expression occurs in her submission and her unconstrained  exploration of herself as a masochist. It has been there, in that experience of subspace, that our sexual  encounters take on the form of an energetic exchange where we find ourselves occurring not as two  people, but as a single sexual creature. This experience is brought about after a long bout of rhythmic  flogging that pushes her deeper into that frame of mind. The deeper she goes, the harder I can flog her.  The harder I flog her the more she cums, the firmer her butt gets and the more she tolerates cane strokes.  

I have had vastly different experiences with impact play over the years. I have used impact play as a tool  of discipline where submissives who seek guidance choose escalating sessions of corporal punishment to  keep them accountable. In those instances, there is not a long warm-up and the submissive is told to  simple bend over and pull her panties down before being caned. I have also, as I mentioned, been  served by a submissive who needed to suffer in order to be fulfilled sexually. She wanted to be surprised  by intense punishment scenes with unpredictable impacts that shocked and surprised her for example.  

Impact play is something that you can do with or without association with sexual intimacy. People who  are dominants might themselves also enjoy impact play as catchers in addition to being throwers. The  main thing it to remember is that consent is everything and the negotiation that allows the impact scene  to progress should include agreements around safe words.  

In our dynamic, we use Red and Yellow. Others use a number scale, and so on. The number scale is way  for people who do not know each other well to be in communication during a scene. The thrower might  feel that they are using a force that occurs to them as a 7/10 while the catcher might only be  experiencing the impact as a 3/10. The number scale can help them get aligned in their interpretation of  the intensity. The key to a successful scene is that the thrower and the catcher MUST be in  communication, and there must be trust so that the catcher knows that the thrower will honor their  safe words.  

Play safe!  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

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