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Joining the Kink Community

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Tunnel Light

Discovering the world of kink can be a fabulous and overwhelming experience. So where do you go? What do you do? This can be especially nerve wracking if you are coming in like I did – unpartnered and clueless.

In my opinion Fetlife is the best way to find events in the scene. Most event coordinators will promote there whether or not they promote elsewhere. So the first step, if you haven’t already, is to join Fetlife. Go to Fetlife.com and create a profile. Feel free to use a stock photo or a picture of your dog as your profile pic until you come up with something better. Just don’t leave it empty for long. The profiles with a big “?” as the profile pic may make people think it’s a fake account, you’re a troll, etc. Also, keep in mind my next step will only work if you input your actual city or one that is near you. I understand if you are uncomfortable putting your specific city name – but even a nearby city will work. For example if you live in Santa Monica (which is a beach city near Los Angeles) then use Santa Monica or Los Angeles. However, if you use Antarctica (and don’t actually live there) then my next suggestion will not work.

On to the next step. Along the top of the site you will see a link for “Events” – click on it. Under “Upcoming Events” you will notice three tabs. “Friends RSVPed to”, “Near Me”, and “All Events”. If you are brand new to the site, chances are you don’t have any (or many) friends on your friends list yet, so that tab won’t offer much. The “All Events” tab will be overwhelming and probably take you a while to scroll through, however, if you posted a fake city this will be your option. So that leaves you with the “Near Me” tab. Click it! You will probably have to get through the first few pages of events that recently happened before you get to the current date. Then look at each event listed for the dates coming up that you have some free time. My opinion is that you focus on finding a class first. Starting with classes accomplishes a few things – you learn something regardless of current interests, you meet people in a non-pressure environment, and if you are on the shy side there is less expectation of socialization. So find a class on any topic that works for your schedule and GO!

(*If you are in the Los Angeles area I know a wonderful BDSM 101 Series at Sanctuary you can attend every Monday at 8pm – wink wink.)

My first class was on singletails (a.k.a whips). Was I interested in singletails? Nope. Did they, in fact, terrify me? Yep. I went anyway because I figured I would meet other people who were active in the scene and possibly learn something – or at least have fun watching the demo. Sure enough, all of those things happened. There was no pressure to play (because it wasn’t a party), going alone wasn’t awkward, and even though I am very social and extroverted, there was more focus on the class and presenter, which was nice given my newbie status.

Once you’re at the class be sure to approach either the instructor (after the class is finished) or another classmate that looks friendly and let them know you’re new and wondering what other classes or munches are coming up. Ask if they will be there – then you will have a familiar face to look for.

Go to more classes, start attending munches. Munches are just where a group of kinksters get together in a vanilla setting (usually a restaurant) to eat and socialize. Let people know you’re new and looking for friends and other events. Once you are ready to attend a play party you will have met lots of people and started to create a friends list. You will have people to reach out to and to look for and talk to at events.

I know you may be anxious to start playing and/or finding a partner. However, my advice is to slow it down and take your time. Get to know the scene and the people in it. Get a feel for who is experienced in the type of play you want to try, who you can trust, etc. I know it can be overwhelming and scary at first – and your experience will differ depending on how big your local scene is – but enjoy the process. View it as an adventure to be explored!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

What is a Switch?

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anniebear-doms-email-photo

When someone tells you they identify as a Dominant or Master, submissive or slave – you have a pretty good idea what that means. But how about when someone tells you they’re a switch? Well, it means you need to ask more questions.
I often compare somebody that identifies as a switch to someone who identifies as bisexual. Now, before you get all upset, I understand that sexual orientation and D/s dynamic identifiers have nothing to do with one another. That is not what I compare. Here is what I mean: both identities lay upon a spectrum and there are some similar stereotypes that both groups deal with.

On one hand you can have someone like me – I personally identify as an s-type, however, I have the skills to top and do enjoy it on occasion with a handful of people. So, technically, I can say I’m a switch because I can Top and bottom for play. However, for me, I have no interest in being anyone’s Dominant or being involved in a D/s dynamic with me as the D-type. I won’t say it will never happen because I know better, it’s just not something I am interested in currently. On the other hand you will find people that feel equally Dominant and submissive and may have a partner (or partners) that they switch with – or are in a poly situation where they have one (or more) partner(s) they submit to and another (or others) they are a Dominant to. Some people may flow from one to another – go through phases if you will. Sometimes in their life they feel the need for more submission and at other times feel the need to express more of their Dominant side. Still others may lean more toward one side or another but it’s closer to a 60/40 than someone like me who is closer to 80/20 (or so). The point is that there is a very diverse spectrum when it comes to being a switch. Everyone is different and you just need to ask what it means to them.

Now I would like to address the stereotype that seems to get placed on switches that reminds me of the one placed on those that identify as bisexual. It’s the stereotype that a switch is confused about their identity, going through a phase, or just doesn’t want to commit one way or the other. While these things, of course, can be true for some people – it is not true for most.

Being a switch is just as much who they are as someone who knows they are a D-type or an s-type. I am not confused about what I like. That doesn’t mean it may not change. When I discovered this community I swore I was totally an s-type and would never be able to Top. Eventually I started exploring it because, well, why not? I believe this lifestyle is perfect for self-exploration and growth! So I explored the “Top side” of play. I had always gone to classes to learn how to use implements, etc. to enhance my play as a bottom and learn about it for safety reasons. So once I started to Top I already had some skill. I found I tend to prefer Topping s-type women. I can Top men, however, I usually do that from more of a “service Top” position. It’s not what curls my toes. I don’t know what will develop down the line. Perhaps I will come upon a woman I would like to serve me in some capacity. I try to never say never because none of us really know what the future holds. Does that change (if it were to happen) mean I’m just “going through a phase”? Absolutely not. I still feel my submission pulled from male Dom energy and believe I always will. It’s simply a matter of how my Top side will grow or with whom.

We all have our own story and our own journey. This space allows us to explore and reach in directions we never thought possible. Know thyself and then get to know others. Especially those darn switches! 🙂

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Dexx Interviews Hudsy Hawn

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hudsy hawn

Dexx: You seem to have your hand in quite a lot of different projects and activities in the kink world. You have the Stockroom University and you’re well known for various TV appearances. I’d like to explore how you got into all of this kinky stuff in the first place. When did you first realize that you were kinky?

Hudsy Hawn: I had no idea until I was getting a divorce and I met a Dom by accident on Craigslist. Up until that point, I hadn’t explored it at all except maybe a “who’s your daddy” spanking during vanilla sex. But I had no idea- I’d never even thought about BDSM. I’d seen those pictures of men in chaps or the woman in a comedy movie holding a whip but that was the extent of it. But then I met a man in the middle of the night, literally in the middle of the night at 1am in 2005. And I thought I was going over for a booty call and instead I was ordered to my knees. I crawled around on the floor and drank red wine out of a bowl and my love of kink was born.

That’s great. Did you have some hesitancy at the time or did you just kind of say, “Wow this is fantastic, this is for me!”

I think because I was suffering through a divorce and feeling very lonely, I was kind of acting out with my choices. Looking back I could have been a little more careful. Who I am now, I’m a lot more careful but I think that back then, that’s how it had to happen for me. The element of surprise knocking me over into this world of excitement I never knew about and lucky for me, it was someone who was sane enough to have not turned me off of to it forever.

So now it seems like it’s become a pretty big part of your life. Do you do other stuff as well or is it all kink?

(laughs)Well I had childhood plans to be a singer but then I kind of fell into this world ten years ago. I love it so much because for me its like therapy. It’s a little bit like figuring out what makes someone tick and how you can best get along with your partner through the acts of BDSM and roleplay. Before this I was a hotel supervisor, a special events planner, a cover band singer and musical theatre performer so I’ve kind of taken all of those vanilla jobs and fused them into my high profile BDSM career. I curate events and classes here at The Stockroom Hall. I still love to perform onstage; I enjoy taking my vast knowledge of modern music and creating new outside the box versions of popular tunes. My autobiographical show The Mermaid Diaries: Beneath the Covers is all about my journey from vanilla to kink. I use my own original music and well known covers to tell my story in a way that’s outlandish and different, with a dose of BDSM. I find a way to blend all of my lives and jobs together, if that makes sense.

mermaid diaries

You used to work at The Dominion as a Pro Domme so I’m curious about how you first got into doing that, working on the Pro side?

Once I discovered BDSM, I started going to the clubs and at the clubs I met people, some who were pro and lifestyle and I thought why don’t I try being a pro submissive? I love being submissive so I went in and interviewed and they hired me and that already was five years into my kink journey, back in 2010. I found that I loved it and I loved being around the other women and I loved meeting all of the different people and the clients that were into it. I had a lot of mentors there that helped create who I am today. While I was there I became a switch and discovered that in my personal life I prefer being a switch but now that I’m a grown woman, being a Pro Domme is better for me personally and professionally.

When you were first starting out as a Pro was there a training program to teach you how to be a pro submissive or a Pro Domme or did you have a particular person who mentored you to teach you those skills?

Well, The Dominion or any Dungeon/House is a great place for people to go work and learn BDSM skills. If you want to go learn about protocols and behaviors its best to find a personal mentor and that could be at a dungeon where people work or it could be a personal relationship or a friendship or more. I have been lucky enough to have mentored with a lot of great people. Lady Hillary, Mistresses Snow Mercy and Nikki Rouge, RevMel and many others have taught me a lot about how to be FemDom but then all the relationships I’ve had, men that I’ve been a submissive to or fetish family members I’ve been close to… The Dominion’s Resident Male Dom, Sir Rucifer is also my dearest brother, I love him to death and he’s taught me a lot. My exes have also taught me about what does and doesn’t work in a D/s dynamic. The local community has mentored me more than any one person or place.

Is there much cross over between the people that are paying clients say like at The Dominion and the fetish scene in terms of events like munches, classes, and play parties? Is it the same people or is it distinct crowds?

I find that in my experience people that pay for sessions are people that are private and so you won’t see them out at the clubs whereas the people at the clubs tend to be people who are already together as a couple or are all friends and so to me its been a separate energy. Separate clientele. There’s the clients who pay for it and they keep their life private from everyone, then there’s the people who actually don’t pay for it and just go to the clubs and play with each other. Because they can. That’s not to say that people that pay for sessions are always private, some people are completely out there. I’ll have people come in that do a session with me but I also see them at a Fetish Ball. I’ll say a large percentage is people that don’t take it anywhere else.

Switching over to talking about Stockroom University,what is the Stockroom University all about?

Every Saturday afternoon The Stockroom University is about helping bring kink education to the vanilla mainstream person who is curious and ready to take it to the next level. We want to offer direction in a safe, sane, and consensual way. We try to cater to all class topics and requests and desires, whether it be beginners who want to know how to get started, or to people who have been doing it a while who really want to learn a different angle on what they love. We also provide our space for a lot of sex positive evening events. We have sex educators come in and do their own private events, we’ve had burlesque events, and put on shows. I did my autobiographical show here. With upcoming seminars and fetish film festivals underway, the sky is the limit.

So there are a lot of first timers or beginners coming into the classes?

Sure, I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the year I’ve been here and that makes me really happy because I see that what we’re doing is creating sex positive support and making a difference. People have a safe place to go and then afterwards they get a discount in our Syren Boutique store. So they can actually take what they learned and go buy something and enjoy themselves that same night.

So what kind of topics have you covered so far?

Oh, so many; animal play, shibari, protocols and positions, various panels, (FemDomme,male submissives…) We’ve had transgender panels, love of latex classes, leather and boot blacking instruction, and even instructionals on fisting and rough sex. We always give a disclaimer at the beginnings of these types of classes for obvious reasons. We want to make sure people understand what will be shared before class starts so we have their consent and understanding of content.

So who are you typically pulling in to teach these kinds of classes? Is it people from Los Angeles or all around the country?

We have people from all over. We have repeat educators like Sunny Megatron and Ken Melvoin-Berg who are from the Showtime show Sex with Sunny Megatron. They come in a couple times a year and do amazing classes. Last time they were here they did an edge play class. They’re going to be doing a Halloween class on Hilarious Humiliation. Midori comes in a couple times a year as well. She will be here tomorrow with a class on Rope Dominance. We have a lot of local names in the community like Orpheus Black, Snow Mercy, Danarama, Sir Nik Satanas, Nikki Nefarious and many more. We even had some BDSM erotica authors come in and they did a panel and sold their books, but I’m also open to new instructors contacting me and if their experience and course is right for us, we’d love to have them. We’re open to meeting new people, it’s just a matter of if they have they taught before, and can I see a history of their career so that I make sure I’m protecting our students and our curriculum integrity.

The Stockroom seems to be a pillar of the BDSM community here in LA but I guess the whole country as it seems to be the main supplier of toys.

I’ve heard Our CEO and Founder Joel Tucker tell the story himself how about almost thirty years ago he was a young college kid wanting to be able to flog his girlfriend at the time but he couldn’t afford the expensive toys the local stores were selling. He was like, “Why don’t I do this myself?” He found the materials and he started making product in his apartment and he became so successful, taking mail orders and creating his own catalogue. JT’s Stockroom eventually became The Stockroom and we are still the first original and most successful internet source for Adult Toys.

You touched on this earlier , but have you noticed and increase in BDSM since the Fifty Shades movie came out earlier this year?

Definitely. I’ve noticed a change, an improvement in interest and I’ve noticed that people that come in are people that I haven’t met in the scene, and its even older couples which makes me very happy because I see that they are invigorating their relationships with this. I’ll ask what brought them to this and they’ll say my wife liked the book or I saw the movie and wanted to check out some toys and I was very happy to see that you had some classes because after I buy the toys its like “what do I do with this?!” It’s great to have that option for them.

That’s fantastic! So would you say generally speaking, BDSM is becoming more accepted within society as a result?

I think the books and films on BDSM have helped tremendously and I appreciate that. And I think that it’s just going to get better. I know that the Fifty Shades trilogy is going to milk it a little bit longer and by then I think there will be even more stories coming out about it which will be very supportive. I think the stigma that happens that some in the community dislike is that we’re hurting ourselves or that it’s not consensual or that we had something happen in to us in our childhood. For me there’s nothing like that. It was always just about realizing BDSM helped me connect with my partner. And I liked that and it forced me to focus on things because a lot of times people will be doing missionary and they’ll be looking over your shoulder. You don’t know if it feels good or if they’re into it or if they’re thinking about something else and with BDSM you are forced to connect. Some of the sexiest roleplay I’ve done is just my partner and I staring at each other and we don’t touch each other. You know, it taps into that mental telepathy or something and I think that’s great. That’s definitely something that you need in a good scene.

So The Try Guys video, its had over 3 million views now. It seems like that was a fun project to be involved in.

Yea, its been great! My good friend Steven Aleck asked me to do it. He produced a lot of the Buzzfeed videos. They called me in and he said we just want you to show us the ropes so to speak and I asked, well is this going to be lighthearted or are you just going to make fun of it? Because if you’re going to make fun of it, then I don’t want to make fun of what I love. They said no and I watched their videos and they do everything very respectfully and what makes them so successful is they’re these average guys trying something that isn’t average and allowing the viewer to experience it safely from their computer. That’s why they’re a huge hit. That’s why that video is doing really well. And I don’t read the comments but I think that it’s only helping to have a light hearted attitude about it. They were great fun, it was a really short shoot, and we got to feature some of The Stockroom’s gear. They were also using Love Honey gear, which is the official Fifty Shades of Gray toy. So I was kind of taking turns with both of the different designs and it was a lot of fun.

And you’ve been involved in some other vanilla TV projects like Storage Wars and have you ever any negative reactions from people about BDSM while you’ve been working with people from outside of the kink community?

No, I mean I’ve worked for some very mainstream vanilla companies and I’ve even worked at the happiest place on earth and they all knew about it; my immediate colleagues knew about it. They all thought it was hilarious and would ask me questions and I could see them logging information for later. And I haven’t had any negativity but I think I’ve always just been so open about who I am even before kink that everyone in my life is just used to it. So they just go “Oh that’s just her. Doing that thing again.” I have had some people hint that they preferred it when I was just a singer and I’m like, why not put my kink story into my singing? I think that makes me more interesting. You know that old song from Gypsy, “You gotta get a gimmick” (if you wanna get ahead?) You know kink is an accidental gimmick to my singing career that’s happened so I enjoy using that for all it’s worth. Both are a part of me.

I saw your stage show at at DomCon, it was great and clearly you’re a talented singer and performer. Did you have some prior experience doing theatrical stuff or other stage background?

I started in high school doing musical theater. I did it in college as well. And then the cover band business kind of fell into my lap by accident. So the reason I kind of call the show Beneath the Covers is because I was a cover band singer for fifteen years so I know hundreds of songs in my head and I love taking them and tweaking them and that’s why I use them in the show. That was my bread and butter for years.

Being so well known in the community do find that when you go out and just want to do a play session at a play party that you get mauled with people that all want to say hello?

If only it was that exciting! That picture is very complimentary but that doesn’t really happen. I think the reason it seems that way is because I’ve done some internet and television and being in the right place at the right time. There are so many well known Dom/Domme’s that have done much more than I have that I deeply respect. I just happened to hit at the right moment when BDSM became a mainstream big deal, so I’ve had some success because of that. When I’m out and about I have had some people say hello to me. They know me from Storage Wars or Try Guys or The Real Fifty Shades of Grey. But I’m still just that quiet little girl from Alaska.

And do you have any words of advice for anyone young who wants to get more involved in BDSM or just starting out in the scene as an adult?

I’m considering a way to do something to help y­­­­­­­­­­outh because I’ve had some sex educators and psychologists come to me and tell me that they’re actually doing counseling with high schoolers and their parents about how these kids are playing in private with each other. The parents would rather they speak to a psychologist in that field or someone like me who has an educational series where we can help todays youth understand what this all means and how to do it safely. BDSM books and movies have so many fans now, people like thirteen are finding this online and doing this. And I’m not saying that BDSM is wrong, but whatever happened to being a kid? I think that it’s very important that if anyone wants to get involved whether it’s a teenster or an adult, do your homework, do your research. Don’t just go online and meet up with somebody. I did that and I’ll tell you what, he was sexy at first, but he was completely unskilled and he injured me more than once. And yes, if it weren’t for him I wouldn’t be sitting here talking to you so I’m thankful for my history but I wish my first experience had been with someone who knew what they were doing and had experience dealing with someone elses well being. The best thing any newbie can do is be careful and read books like SM 101 and be a part of different educational series where you learn about safety and consent and not about just getting out there. Education is very important.

Hudsy Hawn is the Head Mistress of Special Events for Stockroom curating classes for Stockroom University and outreach programs for the Los Angeles area. You can read more about Hudsy and contact her here.

The Outsider

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red leather

Large green fields. A huge bonfire. Adults and children playing, talking, eating, laughing. I say a few pleasantries to a few of the moms I know then focus on the needs of my children. Once they have had their fill of hot dogs, deviled eggs, and s’mores – they leave me to go play with their friends.

I sit off to the side, writing these words in my Hello Kitty notebook (which they probably assume I stole from my daughter). I wonder what the other parents are thinking of my behavior. Do they even notice me? Probably not. They’re busy reminiscing over the school year and discussing their family plans for the summer. It’s early evening so there are moms and dads here – whole family units. Every time I attend a school event I feel the same way.

Like an outsider.

There are a couple of reasons for this. One, I am in the minority of single parents. In fact I haven’t met any others in the 5 years we’ve lived here – even though I’m sure they exist. Maybe I haven’t met them because they avoid these things. In any case, that’s the less significant reason. The other is that I’m different. I doubt many of them would relate to my job, my friends, my lifestyle. There have been two other moms I became friends with and trusted enough to tell. As chances would have it they both moved away last year.

You may be wondering why I’m not as open with other school parents when I’m “out” to everyone else in my life – friends, colleagues and family. Well. No matter how kinky you are or how involved in the scene you are – you always have vanilla aspects to your life. For me, the biggest one is my kids. The last thing I want is for parents to worry about having my kids for play dates or (gasp!) sending their kids to me. They may talk, gossip, doubt, worry, etc. because they don’t understand that kink and my kids don’t mix. My children know nothing about the scene or my preferred relationship dynamics. However, ignorance and misunderstanding can often lead to fear. I don’t want my “being out” with other parents to effect them.

I’m not ashamed of who I am or how I live my life and I don’t hesitate to talk to people about my life. Yet there’s a line between it effecting me and handling it – and it affecting my kids in any negative way.

So here I sit, on the sidelines. Honestly, I’m ok with that. I have plenty of friends and acquaintances I can talk to. To everyone here I’m a single mom and psychotherapist. I’m proud of those parts of me too.

So after I wrote this far and put my notebook away I decided to walk over to the food table and eat more grapes. One of the dads approached me and we started having a friendly conversation about this and that. At one point he asked me about what I do for a living. I initially gave him my stock “vanilla” answer and said I was a marriage and family therapist. I’m not sure what it was about him, but my gut told me it would be ok to at least put out the tidbit that “I also teach”. He, of course, followed up with asking me what I teach. I explained that it’s not something I usually bring up around the “school parent crowd”, however, he encouraged me.

After I told him I teach BDSM 101 classes it turned into a lively conversation – including many questions from him – and I felt no judgement. In fact, it turned out he had dated someone years before who was into the power exchange idea but he found it wasn’t for him. We continued to talk for some time and it was nice (although slightly nerve wracking) to discuss this side of my life in that setting. It was a good reminder that you never know what someone’s history holds or how open minded they may be!

Fast forward a couple months later and I am at a birthday party for one of my son’s classmates. I end up sitting with another mom in the shade while all the kids were involved in an organized party game out in the field of the park we were at. The subject of work came up and I ended up “outing” myself to her as well. I suppose I’m on a roll! She was very cool about it, asked questions, etc. I explained that it’s not something I usually throw out there to other parents due to my concern over being judged as a parent, etc. She was very supportive and even friended me on Facebook.

Moral of the story – sometimes we make a mountain out of a mole hill. If either of these parents had made an issue of it then I would have to deal with that. But they didn’t! I will continue to operate as I have in terms of not making it something I put out there right away, however, if it comes up naturally I won’t be as afraid to let the information “out”. Pun intended.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer here: http://www.akinkshrink.com/.

Help! I’m kinky but my partner is not

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handcuffed couple

This article is in response to the numerous questions we receive from readers on this very subject. Usually, the question goes:

“Hello, I’m recently kinky (or have been for many years) but my girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband is not. How can I get them interested in kink and BDSM?”

There are a couple of ways to go about this, but first we have to get one thing out of the way. The debate rages on as to whether or not people are “born” kinky or if it’s a learned hobby or interest or some mix of both. For the sake of this article (and my wishful thinking), we’ll assume almost anyone can have a learned interest in kink.

Assuming you and your partner have a healthy relationship and you (the kinky one) have not been sneaking around behind their back in pursuit of your own kinky pleasures, then we can start from a healthy place of open conversation. You must first broach the subject of kink with your partner. Because of the recent trend in kink friendly movies and books-it should be relatively easy to at least open the conversation. Perhaps ask what they think of the whole Fifty Shades of Gray trend. Ask them if they’ve ever had any past kinky sexual partners or significant others. Find out if there is any history or inclination there. Beyond that, you can explore mutual interests. Often times, it just takes an open conversation making sure that both you and your partner feel safe and not judged in this dialogue to get the ball rolling.

If your partner seems hesitant, you could suggest attending some kink friendly events together as a way of branching out or going on a new adventure. No partner wants to be the stick in the mud and most will be willing to try anything once. Start with a local munch so your partner can see that people interested in kink are just like vanilla people. They eat meals and have normal conversations like everyone else. Help alleviate the stigma that surrounds BDSM. Oftentimes people imagine black lipstick, dark and gothic clothing, and heavy metal music. It’s usually not the case (though that type of scene can be quote fun in its own right!).

In this same vein, it’s important to reinforce to your partner that you are opening up a huge part of yourself to them. You want to include them in this part of your life because you care about them and want to enjoy this with them. As the kinky person, you need to keep in mind that in the end, your partner may not have an interest in kink, and that’s alright. It’s entirely up to you whether or not this is gong to be a deal breaker for you. I personally tried vanilla dating for many years before jumping head first into kink. I would never be able to date a vanilla person for the rest of my life because to me, kink is essential to a balanced and happy relationship. But, many couples find a happy balance between bedroom only kink or maybe some rough sex here and there. It’s what works for you in your relationship.

If your partner feels up for it, try some things in the bedroom behind closed doors. Light play such as tickling, light scratching, a long feather, light bondage, and spanking can open the door to a whole new realm to someone who has never explored kink before. Always have the open door of communication. Stress to your partner that they can talk to you about likes and dislikes. Your partner may feel silly at first, trying all of these crazy new things. Remind them to relax and enjoy the ride, that this is just one more experience you are both trying together.

Most decent sized cities have a ton of events geared towards new people. Check out your local dungeons (kink clubs) and find out about their orientations and tours of the facility. Here in LA, there is a weekly BDSM 101 class taught by our contributor Jenn Masri, and clubs in other cities offer similar types of introductory classes. There are also more advanced classes focusing on every topic under the sun. There are all kinds of play parties, including those catering to male Dom / female sub play (e.g. Gentlemen in Charge) or female Dom / male sub (e.g. Women in Charge of Kink), as well as lots of more general “anything goes” kinds of parties. All of these will have rules and guidelines to assist newer folks along the way. If you happen to live in an area with a lively local kink scene, find events such as these. Though you may not be super new to kink, you’ll want your partner to feel welcome and informed.

Remember, I cannot stress how important it is to handle this topic gently and with an open and honest heart. Give your partner an opportunity to understand and embrace kink. Do not get angry at him or her if ultimately, it is something that are not interested in. Find out what works best for the both of you.

Writer, model, babygirl, submissive. After trying vanilla relationships one time too many, anniebear finally realized her submissive desires and discovered the BDSM community. When not writing for Kink Weekly, she enjoys spankings and being tied with rope.

Baadmaster’s Guide to Public Play: Part One

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public play

As this is the party season, chances are you will be invited to at least one BSDM “play party.” In these types of gatherings, some couples perform BDSM scenes for everyone to see. Others just socialize. Play parties, besides being fun and instructive, are great for submissives who would find the “I have a private dungeon and don’t play in public” Fifty Shades type of Dominant creepy – or even dangerous.

If you are new to this tradition, let these articles be your guide into the world of public play. If you are experienced, a little review is always good for the soul. It might even inspire you to revisit some aspects of public play you may be overlooking or forgetting. Since there are many aspects of public play, we will treat them in three separate installments, ingeniously titled “Part I,” Part II and Part III.”

Most play parties are usually either invitation-only affairs in private homes or semi-public affairs that are usually held at a local dungeon or BDSM club. In both instances, a major feature of these parties is the public play that goes on there. Most times, a large array of equipment (such as St. Andrews crosses, suspension devices, spanking benches, stocks, cages, etc.) are provided for “scening” — as public BDSM play is called. If this is your first play party, fear not. You will not be forced to play. Typically, only about half of the guests actually play; the rest watch the action. This is perfect synergy – the performers perform and the voyeurs voyeur, and everyone is happy!

At every play party, one rule that is always in force is the “rule of consent.” Just because a person is submissive – or even naked! – doesn’t mean that he/she must defer to any Dominant. Permission for anything, from simple touching to playing, must be asked for and granted by the submissive. (Or by the submissive’s Dominant, if that is their arrangement.) A good strategy for any submissive who has a Dom/Domme is to refer all requests for play to the Dominant he/she arrived with. Remember, if you are a single submissive, you always have the right to say “no.” Always. No exceptions. Ever.

Each dungeon, club or private party, has its own “house rules.” No smoking is fairly common, as is no alcohol. (It is not a good idea to drink and play.) Typically, the basic “house rules” are clearly posted. For example, when you enter Los Angeles’ famed Lair De Sade, the following notice is clearly posted.

“OUR BASIC RULE IS THAT “MUTUAL CONSENT & RESPECT ARE MANDATORY. DISBURSEMENT OF NEGATIVE ENERGY
DISRESPECTS A PARTY ~ KEEP IT OFF THE PREMISES, PLEASE!”

Keeping this rule in mind, if you are watching a scene, never make a loud comment, interrupt a scene or enter the “scene space.” Surely, don’t just join them without permission. (This seems so obvious, we mention it simply for the humor in the image of someone “just joining in!”) Keep in mind that a submissive can be bounced out of subspace, or a Dom/me out of Top space, by comments, laughter, distractions, etc. So, be respectful. You don’t have to treat someone’s play area with the solemnity of a televised golf match. But, an attitude of respect and courtesy should be maintained.

If you wish to compliment the players on a particularly good scene, wait until it is over. Do not applaud in the middle of it. Keep in mind that these scenes are really private scenes, even if they are being acted out in public view.

Even if you are an advanced player, some activities, such as fire play, knife play and blood play require permission of the host. Oft times wax play, because it is so messy, is also prohibited. There is also a house safe word, which is usually “red.” If you are not sure about any rules, ask the host or a Dungeon Monitor. Dungeon Monitors, or DMs, are there to watch out for any dangerous play and to see that the house rules are observed. Even in this new world of post “Fifty Shades,” where almost everything goes, house rules, which are based on common sense, are always to be observed.

Play parties can be foreboding if you go into it with the wrong attitude. You are there to have fun and make some friends in the BDSM scene; you should only play in public after you feel comfortable and even excited about doing it. No one expects you to play the first time you attend a play party; that is your option. In fact, we usually suggest you do not play in public at your first play party. After all, the best way to learn how to use the equipment is to go to a dungeon party and watch others play. It is a great opportunity to observe your fellow kinksters in action, exchange ideas and learn as much as you can, and have a good time in the process.

In our next installment, we will get specific with respect to actual play and offer suggestions how to make public play both safe and exciting. Stay tuned!

by Baadmaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Kinksgiving, share the kinky love

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kinky turkey
A trussed up turkey. Photo and “rope” by Rope_Daddy

I remember when I first started my journey in the kink community. After years of just playing in private in relationships, and feeling embarrassed and awkward talking about my BDSM interests, I finally came to my first munch, then another, then a play party. I felt overjoyed that I was speaking with people that shared many of these same interests and desires about bondage, and power exchange, and SM. And they were talking openly about it, and no one was embarrassed!

I had found my people, my tribe, if you will. People who got me. I didn’t have to feel weird any more. OK, I’m still weird. But I found other people who were just as weird, which helped me to feel accepted, and validated, and much more confident to embrace my kinky side instead of feeling ashamed about it.

It took me a while to get here, but now that I’m part of the community it’s wonderful – and the people are what make it. Curious, interesting, funny, intelligent, friendly, welcoming, open, honest, caring. These words describe most of the people that I have met at events in the kinky world – be they from America, Canada, Greece, Australia, New Zealand or England (I’m sure there are nice kinky people from other countries too – I just haven’t met them yet).

With every person who takes that scary first step and comes to their first munch, or confides in a kinky friend that they too might be interested in trying it out, we get a little closer to a world where everyone feels less shamed, and more accepted for their sexuality and kinky interests.

This week is Thanksgiving in America, a time where we reflect on what we are grateful for. But wherever you are in the world, I encourage you to think about your journey into kink and self-acceptance.

Reach out to someone you think might be able to use some encouragement – take them to a munch, or suggest you watch The Secretary together, or tell them about Kink Weekly. Or just open up and tell them a bit about yourself. You might just find that they open up right back. Make it a week of Kinksgiving!

Writer, photographer, hedonist, Dom. After years of at-home BDSM, Dexx finally embraced the kink community and met many fantastic fellow kinksters in the scene. Along the way, it occurred to him that it would be just super if there was a magazine-style web site which catered to people interested in BDSM, and he recruited some of his friends to help create it. Find him here.

Navigating the public BDSM scene

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chess game

So, you’ve discovered that you are kinky… Now what?

First of all let me congratulate you on taking a step into a much larger world of adventure and experience, good for you! It takes courage to recognize and embrace the fact you may have some interests which mainstream society frowns upon.

You are about to enter a world of pleasure and pain, dark desires and wicked dreams. Never again will plain old vanilla sex satisfy you and get you where you need to be. Like butterfly wings, once you have touched your kink, you are forever changed into something, someone else. This has been my experience.

It is my sincere hope that this small work may help others avoid the pitfalls and frustration that go along with inexperience by getting some insider information prior to heading for disaster. Join us down the rabbit hole and let’s see how deep it goes.

The answer to the question, “What now?” is likely to be as widely varied as the people who might be willing to actually step up and answer it for you. The plain truth is that your journey into and through the world of kink is going to be uniquely yours and yours alone; just as it has been for all of us and just as it should be.

You can keep your activities entirely private and never out yourself to anyone other than your partners, making the occasional trip to the local sex toy store and picking things up here and there, or surfing the net for bondage porn and emulating the things you see.

Or you can, as many do, choose to jump into the public BDSM scene, (i.e.: dungeon clubs, classes, socials, etc…). It’s entirely up to you and in any case is neither a good nor a bad thing per se’, it is simply your path.

Whatever your choice, it’s helpful to “know the ropes” as it were, particularly in the early stages of your experimentation. In the public scene you will encounter every kind of kinkster imaginable, and many behaviors that may be alien to you and your upbringing, depending on how open minded your household was.

One of the first things I learned was that there was a whole new world of terminology and jargon I was unfamiliar with. Soon thereafter I also learned that not everything means the exact same thing to everyone. People in our world are different from one another in just the same way people in the vanilla world are. Interpretation is a factor.

So what do you need to know in order to adjust and feel comfortable without stepping on any toes or committing any offenses?

Let’s begin by covering some common phrases and expressions you might hear when out at a dungeon club. These are basic definitions, keep in mind that many of these terms are flexible and may mean slightly different or deeper things to some.

Dominant: A term with multiple meanings and uses, but generally used to describe a person who takes the power in the relationship or exchange.

Submissive: Another multi-use term, used to identify the one who gives up the power in the relationship or exchange.

Consent: In the context of the BDSM world, consent is given by both parties to participate in a certain activity, or activities. This consent may be wide ranging or limited to specific things, depending on the relationship and experience of the participants. (Example; “you may flog me in our scene but I dislike needles”)
It is important to know that everything we do in the BDSM scene is done with full awareness and consent by all parties involved. If you do not have consent, it is considered abuse and you may find yourself in a heap of trouble real fast; even the kind of trouble that requires a lawyer to get out of. So make sure you have consent!

Scene: This word has two meanings in our world. The first is a general descriptor of the BDSM scene at large, i.e.: “The Scene”. The second is more specific to activities we participate in with a partner or partners. Example; “we had a really great rope scene tonight”.

D/s or M/s: These are used to describe power exchange relationships between the Dominant or Master/Mistress and the submissive or slave. The first letters are always capitalized to show respect for the authority that is consensually given.

Power exchange: The term used to describe when the submissive or slave consensually surrenders their life and or will to the Dominant or Master in the relationship. The terms of this surrender can vary in length of time; anything from one scene to a lifetime, and can also vary greatly on the depth of surrender depending on the parties in the relationship.

Protocol(s): Protocol is a term used to describe the behavior which a submissive or slave may be allowed to exhibit by the Dominant or Master. Also the behavior the Dominant engages in as a part of the scene or relationship. Protocols vary and evolve from one person to another, and one Dominant may have different protocols in place for different submissives in their service. They can also vary depending on the environment; public vs. private play. Protocols may involve restrictions on physical contact, eye contact, speaking out loud, clothing or any number of other things.

Top: A Top is the person in a BDSM play scene who is the one doing the things, whatever they may be, to the bottom. This can be anything from rope tying, to spanking or flogging or even interrogation. It’s important to know, however that this term is not necessarily synonymous with a Dom or a Master. Top is a more utilitarian term. While a Dominant is generally a Top in the scenes they play out, not all Tops are Dominants.

Bottom: Take the above description and simply reverse it.

Switch: Someone who performs and enjoys both Topping and bottoming, and may even transition in the course of one scene.

Sadist: Someone who takes pleasure and satisfaction in inflicting pain.

Masochist: One who gets pleasure and satisfaction from receiving pain.

Voyeur: One who takes pleasure from watching others engage in sex and BDSM play.

Safe Words: These are used by the bottom to inform the Top when they are reaching or have reached a pain threshold. Though safe words may vary, Yellow is commonly used to mean slow down or lighten up, and Red is used to say stop. Safe words should be established by new play couples during initial scene negotiation. If you establish definite safe words, it is your responsibility to use them as needed. If you agree that Red is your stop word and you say stop instead of Red, your top may not stop.

Negotiation: The process of agreeing on the terms of a scene, or relationship. For a scene, especially with new play partners, time should be taken to gather information about the likes and limits of all partners involved. It is advisable to know as much as you can about your play partner prior to beginning so as to avoid harmful or dangerous situations. This should include discussion about health issues as well. Things like STD’s, or psychological trauma need to be out in the open in advance of play time.

Sub-space: A state of mind wherein bottoms enter a trance-like state where their ability to think clearly can be compromised, and they may lose the ability to make safe decisions for themselves. This is an especially tricky situation for some and when deep sub-space is present the Top must maintain control and keep the best interest of the bottom as paramount.

Frenzy: A state of mind and body characterized by an obsessive desire to experience anything and everything as quickly as possible. This happens especially when the player is new on the scene.

Drop: (Specifically sub-drop) This refers to the depressive state which can follow periods of intense BDSM activity such as bondage, spanking, flogging, etc. Depression results from the brains withdrawal from neuro-transmitter chemicals and the after effects of shock. Drop can sometimes be triggered just by the psychological effects of sub-space. To some degree drop can also affect Tops, but is less common. Drop effects everyone differently, and some folks not at all.

This is by no means a complete list, but it should help with the more commonly heard expressions. Moving on…

By now you’ve probably noticed that some of these terms have something in common with the others. You may ask… “So does that mean that a Dominant is also a Sadist? Is a bottom a masochist? Is a switch both?” The answer to all of these is yes… but not always or not necessarily.

Remember that all of this stuff is really open to individual interpretation and can vary greatly from person to person. A lot of it has to do with personal awareness, comfort and identification.
I have played with submissive women who do not identify as masochists, and yet freely orgasm with gusto from having their genitals spanked hard, go figure!

Also everyone seems to have different limits within their own identification. What feels like a 10 on the spanking pain scale to one person, may only be a 2 to someone else. Me personally, I have no pain tolerance at all, absolutely zero. My 10 is pretty much a 1 to every bottom I know. But then I’m not a bottom so it never really becomes an issue. The great thing about the fetish community is that we are open to just about anyone and anything short of actual harm like child abuse and non-consensual impact. There is something for everyone.

The next thing you should know is that the BDSM lifestyle has more than one level of involvement. It represents different things to different people. The populous of our world runs the gamut; from those who live their lives in 24/7 power exchange relationships, to people, perhaps like yourself, who are brand new and only want to dip their toes in to see how the water feels. With the true lifestylers, you will likely encounter protocols and behaviors you are unfamiliar with; protocols involving physical contact, communication, physical position, eye contact and the like. While these may seem strange or even unfair to you, it is important to keep an open mind and remember that consent has been willingly given and accepted.

BDSM lifestylers take this very seriously because they recognize and embrace the deeper meaning under it all. This deeper meaning is not something everyone comes to see and understand, but it is there nonetheless. For those of us who are touched by this, the clubs become our second home, the people we meet with, our family. Often times we feel more like our true selves in this environment than we do anywhere else. And it’s no wonder. BDSM reaches a very primal and powerful instinct in us; we really get something valuable out of it.

Newbies often misunderstand the things they see out in the clubs because they are inexperienced in the power exchange dynamic, and unaware of the deeper connection we have with it. And veterans sometimes have little patience for those who are only temporarily hanging out because they thought some book they read about it was cool.

You can avoid conflict and confusion by observing a few simple guidelines when out at a club, particularly for the first time. Obviously rules can vary from one club to another, but there are some general philosophies which should serve you well regardless of where you are.

• Read and understand the rules of the club you are going to, if possible in advance of your arrival. Chances are when you enter the club, and pay your entrance fee you will have to sign a waiver of consent and liability for the club. This will explain what is disallowed and what is expected of you. First timers should read these carefully and adhere absolutely.
• Don’t become too intoxicated. Whether the club has a bar or is b.y.o.b. stay in control of yourself. In my experience most feel it is unwise to play under the influence, and drunken behavior may get you kicked out.
• For your first time out, you may just want to observe others playing to get a feeling for what goes on. You shouldn’t feel any pressure to perform just because you are there.
• Don’t act like you own the joint. Respect that this club may be home to more than a few people. Though it is technically a public setting it is still a private place. Behave accordingly.
• Cell phone use may be prohibited. Because of the nature of what we do in our clubs, many will ask you to keep them out of sight, turned off or even ask you to check them at the door. With the advent of smart phones and easy access to the internet, people can be quickly outed in a big way. We want to avoid this and so should you.
• Respect the Dungeon Monitor. Most clubs employ someone to keep an eye on the goings on at the club. They make sure play remains safe and consensual.
• Keep things quiet if you are watching others play. Interrupting someone else’s scene, whether intentionally or not, is considered rude. Don’t ask them questions or observe from anything less than a respectful distance. And if you and your friend simply must have that loud conversation right now, take it outside.
• It’s ok to stare, but try to avoid pointing obviously.
• Don’t judge what you don’t understand. Keep an open mind. But if you can’t do that, at least keep a closed mouth. We don’t care if you approve or not.
• Respect people’s personal space, be friendly, but be cool.

All of this stuff is based in common sense and courtesy, but it’s important to point it out because sometimes people don’t seem to think those things apply in the dungeon setting. I can assure you that they do.

I don’t mean to imply that you should not be yourself, and I’d never do so. But until you have gotten your feet wet and seen what really goes on, just be cool about it. You’ll be glad you did.

So now that you are armed with enough information to keep you from embarrassing yourself, how do you begin to enter the public scene? Perhaps you’re lucky enough to know someone already involved, or know of a club you can go to. Perhaps you’re already aware of the social networking sites used by kinksters around the world to connect and gather with each other.

But what if you’re like I was when I was new? What if this self-discovery finds you far removed from a large metropolitan area? Let me share some of my experience with you.

I first discovered my kink after two failed marriages in which the sex life had been a big part of the problem and ultimately the destruction (in part) of the relationships. I always gravitated towards the darker, edgier parts of life, art, porn etc… But even though I somehow knew something was missing, I never really knew what it was. After my second divorce I found myself alone, in my early forties and living in a very small city in the Pacific Northwest; disillusioned and dissatisfied.

I managed, however, to befriend two couples, much younger than I was, who introduced me to the fetish community there, such as it was. I can distinctly recall going to a club for the first time and seeing the artwork on the walls. Most of it was highly erotic rope and suspension art and I was fascinated by the seductive beauty of it all. Seeing the photos of these women bound, gagged and displayed in all manner of compromising positions turned me on like I never had been before.

That new year’s eve we took a road trip up to Vancouver B.C. to attend an event known as Sin City, a bi-weekly kink rave complete with full bars, open dungeon play areas, and half naked Canadians from 19 to 90. I was hooked immediately and spent the next couple of years trying to get my kink on with girls I’d meet here and there, but the scene in that town was practically nonexistent and I quickly became frustrated.

Eventually I found my way back home to Los Angeles, a veritable bee hive of kinky activity, and proceeded to jump in feet first. My first event was a munch, which is just a social dinner gathering in a public restaurant. We hold these as a way to meet new people in a no pressure situation.

I immediately met lots of people with varying degrees of experience in the life and was eager to get started acquiring my submissives right away.

But you know what? That first year, while often enjoyable and fulfilling, was also frustrating, embarrassing, and even heart breaking. I soon realized that I was floundering and on the verge of leaving the scene entirely. I was afraid that I wasn’t going to be able to cut it. See, despite the fact that I had known I was kinky and freaky in the bedroom for quite a while; I had no idea what it meant to actually live the lifestyle out loud. I had NO experience with true lifestylers who lived openly 24/7. I hadn’t the slightest idea what a protocol was, what the power exchange dynamic was about, none of the real deal. I was lost.

After a few failed attempts at D/s relationships, I found myself becoming shy and introverted and hesitant to even keep on trying for fear of more failure. Finally this led me to a surrender of truth; I needed help. I reached out to some of the men I had met in the scene, hoping for guidance, advice, and a Mentor.

Soon a man I knew through a friend suggested that I attend an MDHL meeting in Los Angeles. (MDHL is Male Dominant Heterosexual Leather) Like LGBT, (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transsexual) this is a means of identification, but also a place to call home with those of your particular ilk. There I met my mentor and began my true excursion into the world of the BDSM lifestyle.

Since that time I have been growing in leaps and bounds in technique, experience and attitude and have found true inner happiness exploring and living out my Dominant nature.

Your early time in the BDSM scene can vary depending on your individual situation. Whether you be male or female, Dominant or submissive, or even if you are unsure of exactly where you fall in, can have an impact on your experience.

New submissives are by far in the most demand and get the most attention. While this fact can make finding play partners to have new experiences with much easier; it can also lead to a state we call “frenzy”. Frenzy can happen to sub and Dom alike and is characterized by an overwhelming obsession to experience everything and anything as quickly as possible. This state often leads people to make snap decisions based on too little information about the people and activity they are getting involved with. It can lead to burnout, disappointment and even harm if not kept in check. Trust me, I speak from personal experience in this matter.

My advice to new people is to take things slowly. Above everything else you must keep your mental, emotional and physical health as your first priority.

Seek out classes and seminars in your area. If you know what your identification is, reach out to others of your ilk who have more experience than you. Don’t allow yourself to get into dangerous situations with people you don’t know. Start off by playing publicly so you have others around who will also keep your safety in mind.

New Tops can face their own challenges, namely finding people to play with. The question becomes, how to gain experience when you have no experience? I have found that many experienced subs or bottoms are unwilling to play with a Top who doesn’t know what they are doing. So how do you become proficient enough to have confidence in what you are doing, and convey that confidence to them?

The internet is full of helpful videos about how to use flogs, paddles, canes etc… and instructional vids on rope bondage of all kinds. These are a good start but in my opinion nothing suffices for the personal instruction of an experienced player. Ask around, find classes or people who offer instruction in your areas of interest. Be patient, take the time to learn proper techniques, ask questions, you’ll be glad you did. The more humble and honest you are with people about where you’re at in your path, the more they will respect and be willing to help you.

Again I recommend seeking out people in your area who already have the experience you want, get to know them and learn from them. Mentors and friends are going to be your best bet in your early years in the scene. They have already experienced much if not all of what you are about to and can help you identify things like frenzy, drop and the like.

Some final thoughts… On consent, while it is true that our activities are generally based on mutual consent and gratification of pleasure, it’s important to note something. We are people who love to push the envelope of what’s acceptable. Dominants are people who love to take what they want and submissives are people who love to please. What this sometimes means is that even though a negotiation may have established some parameters based on consent and limits, at times these may be pushed. Those limits may be tested and broken through. In the heat of passion boundaries may be blown away in favor of testing new ground. This kind of thing can and does happen, though for new people, again I caution some restraint and slowness of pace. You have to learn what the rules are before you can break them.

On use of safe words during play; the reliance on safe words may be compromised under the influence of sub space. The Top or Dominant is also responsible to feel the bottoms energy, check in with them from time to time to make sure they are doing alright. The nature of a submissive is to please, sometimes even at the cost of their own comfort and safety. As Tops/Doms, we must also take responsibility to provide for their safety.

And finally, above all else, remember to have fun. Lest my cautions give you the wrong impression, I want to emphasize this one fact; we do this stuff because we enjoy it! So get out there and get to it!!

We’d love to hear about your first experience going to a public play party! Share in the comments section below.

Frederick M. is 24/7 MDHL; Male Dominant Heterosexual Leather and proudly mentored by a member of the Monarchs. He currently resides in Los Angeles practicing polyamory with his two lovely submissives.

BDSM Head space

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headspace

Having a hard time getting into altered head spaces during play?

This article is not for anyone in the community who is happy and healthy with a Labelcentric BDSM Lifestyle, which I respect and support. This article is primarily for those who have never reached an altered head space during play.

Hard time getting into head space?

We hear things around the munches and dungeons all the time, like “submission is a gift, tops don’t bottom, otherwise they would be switches or aren’t true tops, if you don’t figure out your role, no one will want to play with you, and I’m a bottom, so topping is not something I ever want to do,” but do we ever think how these statements truly affect our BDSM experience?

This article is meant to help people understand one of the most challenging obstacles for reaching an altered head space I’ve come across so far.

If you are experiencing trouble with head space, you will likely experience kink like never before if you incorporate some of the following concepts into your life. The primary obstacle to overcome is allowing your heart, genitalia and mind to accept that during play, those people who take on the role of top and dominant are simply “givers” and bottoms and submissives are simply “receivers”. (If you accept this, you can use your name as the label for all other things kinky about yourself.)

Give and receive what?
The giver gives touch, attention, effort, thought, awareness, technique, toys, and experience to name a few – the receiver receives all of what the giver gives as she goes to an altered head space, of which she enjoys on multiple levels, usually feeling healed, recharged and refreshed afterwards. Once a receiver accepts this, her play will do more for her and the giver than she could ever imagine.

Receiver Troubleshooting
Simply put, receivers cannot get into headspace without gratitude and humility in their heart.

If the receiver believes her act of standing there and reacting to impact play is truly a gift to the giver, she will never have the requisite amount of humility or gratitude to get into an altered head space. The more superficially attractive she may be, the harder humility and gratitude will come for her.

When one sees themselves as a gift to another person or otherwise does not humble themselves and feel gratitude for the moment and efforts, they are not opening up their energy, but creating a black hole for which energy is trapped and consumed at the detriment of the giver.

To have gratitude and humility flowing strongly and with determination through your heart is one way to walk the path to becoming more vulnerable and open with a giver. I cannot think of a powerful and meaningful way to open one’s self up to another human being during SM play. If you are having a hard time with gratitude and humility, think about this: Most receivers just want to receive and strongly dislike giving of themselves to the giver in the way givers give. Receivers should be humbled by the fact givers are willing to give to receivers what receivers are not willing to give to givers.

Giver Troubleshooting
When it takes two for SM Magic, there’s a 50% chance you’re not the reason you have a problem with head space.

The Giver’s Ego: Since trust is an important component for getting into an altered head space, givers must tame their ego and be equally grateful and humble towards receivers as a show of strength and control. Givers who haven’t tamed their own ego cannot tame the receiver’s ego enough for her to let go during play. Cocky people are sexy, but not always easy to trust. If you’re a giver, arrogance is a valuable tool to keep women prone to dungeon love at a safe distance.

This is why highly skilled and talented givers with out of control egos are seen as tragic by so many receivers – the giver has everything going for him in the world of impact play, yet nothing to offer the receiver energetically. Givers who continue to give to receivers without getting gratitude back from the receiver eventually suffer spiritual decay and become bitter negative souls unless their reason for giving is purely selfless. This means that most givers thrive on gratitude and find inspiration in a receiver’s humility that gives the giver energy and will to take the receiver to new heights in head space.

Subspace vs. Head Space

If you’re having trouble with reaching different mental states during play, try not calling it “subspace”. The gift and miracle of head spaces has been buried by the term “subspace”. There are so many different kinds of mental states one can reach during play, both giver and receiver, that to call it subspace would be an oversimplification if it were not for the fact the term itself is defective – you don’t have to be a label, in this case “sub”, or be dominant or submissive, to enjoy an altered space brought about with sensations to the body and interaction with the mind.

Conclusion

This may not make sense initially, but if you practice accepting the concepts above and getting your soul closer to a more grateful and humble soul, you will soon have an ah-ha moment right before the most powerful orgasm of your life. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and open because it’s during those times when you are at your strongest and can grow the most.

Both the giver and receiver need to practice gratitude and humility for SM Magic to happen. One might have a great endorphin rush initially when the ego is present in a scene, but eventually they will find themselves not playing as much once the soul figures out it’s not getting nourished, but fed upon in a destructive way, or at least seems destructive to me since I’ve experienced both sides.

Since his introduction into the BDSM lifestyle in the early 90s, the “Kinkstar” Simon Blaise has shared his passion for BDSM with the world as an international presenter at BDSM/Leather events across the globe for the last 8 years. As an attorney, he has provided probono legal services to members of the BDSM, Leather and LGBT communities for the last 10 years. As a transgender person who lives equally as both a male and a female, he hopes to pave the way for others in our community to feel more comfortable about living authentically and openly. You can learn more about him here.

Opinion: The roles that bind

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woman handcuffed

Why I feel a switch is more of a master than a master

The reason I’m writing this is to help those who have hit a wall and have finally stopped believing everyone who refers to them as such just because they typed it on a screen when creating a profile – but rather hears the quiet voice in their head that speaks only the truth that they can no longer ignore.

Mastery as a Verb (Not as a TPE, management of slaves, or anything else, just a verb)
As a verb, (which is the only definition I personally feel fits “Master” in the context of a kinkysexual lifestyle), is defined as:

1. To acquire complete knowledge or skill in an accomplishment, technique, or art.

2. gain control of; overcome.
synonyms: learn, become proficient in, know inside out, know (frontward and) backwards; pick up, grasp, understand; get the hang of

If one were to call themselves “Master”, they are saying they know something “inside out”. The only type of kinkysexual I have personally experienced that knows kink “inside out” is a switch.
If you believe you are a master who knows kink “inside and out” without ever bottoming, this article is not for you – yet, or perhaps ever. So you can stop reading now, but feel free to bookmark this if anything ever changes.

Moving on, I’ve bottomed to, and even served, leather masters now and again over the last 20 years and I found those who never switched knew the out very well, but not the inside – you can’t say anything to these people, just don’t return their calls and emails.
So how can we call a person who never bottomed “master” without quietly saying to ourselves “I’m just going to be polite and call that person master so as to avoid making any waves.” I don’t have an answer.

Mastery is Overcoming
To master something, one overcomes. If kink is the only thing in life you feel you have mastered, then this may be hard to understand.

What does a master who never bottoms overcome? Carpal-tunnel syndrome?

For someone who never bottoms, where is the fear? Where is the fear to overcome? Does one even know what the fear feels like when one never experiences giving up total control?

So in a sub-conclusion, a switch, by definition, has done the work that other masters in other disciplines must do to earn the title master. However, and ironically, switches do not usually claim the title master out of humility and desire to remain unchained to words. That is why I feel switches should be considered masters of kink.

Enslavement to Roles
If you are enslaved to a role, can you be a master or even a slave to another master? (That’s a question only you can answer for yourself.)

Thousands of years ago, it was written in a fantastic story book, also referred to as a “bible” by some: “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other.”

For me, I feel as a global kinkysexual community, we are becoming more and more enslaved to roles like top and bottom, dominant and submissive, and master and slave, that I have seen tend to hinder, not broaden, sexual experiences.

Roles in Relationships as Opposed to Play
You may have a default comfort in relationships like me. I’ve never had a relationship where I’m a submissive or slave because outside of the kink of submission itself to simply have mind blowing orgasms, it doesn’t make me happy or I haven’t found anyone who could inspire submission or surrender on a relationship level – until that happens, I will never really know, but since there’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to submission or surrender, I will keep an open mind.

Actually, the best sexual experiences I’ve ever had in my life were with kinkysexuals who refuse to adopt a role, but adopt and accept themselves, and do whatever the hell they feel like at the moment – now that’s dominating life and society’s nonsense in my opinion. Consequently, over the years, I have become more and more inspired to free myself of “role bondage” by these marvelous and powerful creatures who had no shackles to bare.

Is Mastery outside of Kink the same as Mastery in Kink?
In martial arts, a master has a long history of enduring pain, the physical pain when struck and the emotional pain of defeat when bested by their master over and over again. I know of no masters in martial arts who only kick others and never receive a kick themselves. And if you have a traditional martial arts training experience, you’re basically a slave without the sex and play.
In naval traditions, masters of a ship had to start out as midshipmen. They endured the humiliation and challenge of recruit training and service on a ship before becoming a master of their own ship.
The examples go on and on.

So that begs the question…why is being a master in kink any different?

The simple answer: It really isn’t. Why?

To top or bottom is more of an act than a role, like being a punching bag for your martial arts master and fellow students. However, many act as though both top and bottom are roles that bind because they think everyone else believes acts define us as human beings, when acts actually enrich us – and heaven forbid others think of us as not conforming to those standards in kink that keep us cool, palatable and acceptable.

What really happens is that the roles obfuscate the need for knowledge and awareness so as it cannot be obtained by a shackled mind. If you must have a role, I feel the best role in kink is “perpetual student” and when your white flogger has turned black over the years, you’ve become a master.

Effects of the Roles that Bind
I have met many who identify as one role and act outside of that role with guilt, turmoil, or shame. We would have a stronger community if we supported, not judged or exiled, other kinkysexuals who venture out beyond their initial programming no matter where it takes them in kink.

Conclusion
Again, if you’re happy and smiling in your role, keep up the good work. This is for those who are expanding beyond their initial roles and feel bad about it.

I’m not saying that there is no one who is a total slave in kink. I’m saying that if you suspect a role is what’s keeping you in a holding pattern, it’s time to ask yourself – “why isn’t kink making me smile anymore?”

We are human, which means we can be more than roles if we choose. There is not one right way, but many. Consequently, roles can sometimes fool us into thinking there is “one way” to be and “one way” to experience kink.

We need freedom to be human and environments that stifle freedom only hinder our evolution and growth towards a more loving and compassionate community. I hope this article adds to an environment of acceptance of those who are hard to accept by others and themselves.

*As for social masters in the communities out there who were covered because of their service to their community, that’s a whole other animal and not what I am addressing here. I know plenty of covered masters who get down in all sorts of ways according to what turns them on – and that’s awesome in my book.

Since his introduction into the BDSM lifestyle in the early 90s, the “Kinkstar” Simon Blaise has shared his passion for BDSM with the world as an international presenter at BDSM/Leather events across the globe for the last 8 years. As an attorney, he has provided probono legal services to members of the BDSM, Leather and LGBT communities for the last 10 years. As a transgender person who lives equally as both a male and a female, he hopes to pave the way for others in our community to feel more comfortable about living authentically and openly. You can learn more about him here.

Do you agree that a switch is more of a master of BDSM than a master? Have your say below…