DameTylerRose.

I received an email today, from someone I’m friendly with in my local scene. It touched me in an unexpected way, and has compelled me to share some very intimate details of my current life.

Right when the plague was starting, I embarked on something of a medical odyssey. 

I’d been bleeding vaginally for several months. Basically a period that wouldn’t end. I decided it was time to do something about it. (If this happens to you, don’t wait more than three weeks. Seriously.)

I endured a uterine biopsy that was inconclusive, because reasons I won’t bore or gross you out with. It has been continuing for three months with the taking of a daily megestrol tablet, and waiting. June 1st, tomorrow as I type this, I will endure a second uterine biopsy. It required a sonogram the Friday before.

I’m not really keen on doctors. In fact, I despise the entire medical establishment. I’m pushing through the best I can, knowing my rights as a patient and advocating for myself. I’m not the typical “submissive, do what I’m told” patient. I study things. I research things. I question things. I know things. It surprises them when I use medical terminology as easily as they do. They don’t know what to say when I tell them they’re bullshitting me. (a couple ibuprofen “significantly” reduces the discomfort of the biopsy…mhhm who the fuck you think you’re lying to?)

While the gynecologist isn’t usually a place for sick people, I’m not keen to sit in a waiting room time after time, for an hour or more. But I’m doing it. I have to if I’m going to have the procedure. I want to know if I have cancer. 

If I have cancer of the uterus, I will have to have a hysterectomy. Possibly while the plague is still raging. I’m not very keen on that either; but I’m willing to face it. I’ve wanted a hysterectomy since I was 13 years old, my periods are so excruciatingly painful.

Why am I telling you this?

Because there’s someone out there who desperately needs to go to the dentist but is afraid they’ll catch the plague. Please. If you’re in pain, make that appointment for diagnosis. Make and keep the appointments to fix the issue.

If you’ve been putting off your yearly gyno exam, please make an appointment and go. Better to go and get a negative or an early indicator than not go and next year find out you have cancer.

If you’re putting off your yearly mammo, make the appointment and go.

Don’t let the plague stop you from maintaining your health.

This will end, and there are people out there who want to see you when it does.

DTR.

“What happened to all the sadists? What happened to those who wanna see us bruised, sweaty and crying for mercy but never giving completely in?”

I don’t often speak for a group of people, preferring to speak of my personal experience. But my responses to the above questions received nothing but positive comments, and numerous people began to follow me because of them. So in this instance, I feel comfortable using inclusive language. I’m also going to use female bottom and (mostly) male top designations, as that seems to be the most prevalent dynamic that this comes up in.

Where did all the sadists go?!

Where are all the good predators? 

They mean the sadists and predators who know exactly what a masochist needs and how to deliver it. How to take the raw sexual energy and turn it into a play session that’ll be remembered for years rather than forgotten before work on Monday. They mean someone who knows how to take them on a ride worth having and leave their legs shaking and the makeup smeared all over their face. Someone who leaves them knowing they been fucked, just how hard, and smiling for days remembering it through all the sore muscles and bruises.

I know. As a masochist, I want those things too.

As a sadist, however…

I’ll tell you where the sadists and predators are. We’re really smart. We see the jellyfish floating around our shark-inhabited waters, bumping into everything because they are so UNself-aware…and we are avoiding them like the plague.

We read one too many “WAAAAAAH I GOT IN OVER MY HEAD AND HE’S SUCH A CRIMINAL!” writing posted by some chick who can’t take responsibility for her own stupid choices. We realized we can no longer trust a bottom to be who and what they say they are. Yeah, they say they’re so hardcore a masochist; but then they’re whining to stop after five minutes of a moderate spanking because they can’t take the pain. One strike beyond, because it’s hard to stop a paddle in mid-swing when doling out two swats a second, the accusations of consent violation start flying.

It’s a disgusting atmosphere in which accused equals guilty. There’s no room for the smallest error. No room for a simple mistake. There’s no space for being human anymore. The top, the sadist, absolutely must be flawless, must be utterly perfect in every single thing at every single moment.

Cane tip wrapped around an inch too far? Consent violation.

Couldn’t deflate the butt plug and remove it one second after the bottom says stop? Consent violation.

Hugged? Consent violation.

Kissed on the cheek? Consent violation.

Shake a hand without immediate permission? Consent violation.

Hold hands? Consent violation.

Not tell every person in the venue that the scene you’re about to have with someone might trigger someone in the audience? Yup. Consent violation.

Every week there are more accusatory posts, because every week there are stupid people making stupid choices to go where they ought not to be, and doing shit they ought not be doing. Everyone else pays the price, because they cannot, for the life of them, say “Yup, that was me. I shouldn’t have been there. My bad.” 

Nope. It MUST be someone else’s fault! Always. To say anything else is victim blaming…even when they are solely the victim of their own foolishness.

We see that shit for what it is. Jail bait. Fortunately, they broadcast their inanity for all to see, so they’re easy to avoid from then on. It’s only that first poor schmuck who is ruined for life for no reason other than to do it. We’re not likely to forget that this guy, that guy, the other guy got reamed by the keyboard warrior mob. We don’t want to be next.

I mean seriously, one errant strike half an inch outside the designated six-inch-wide, three-inch-tall “green” zone and a top finds they’re being lynched by the Court of Stupidity. I mean the Court of Public Opinion. They’re the same thing, so whatevs.

So that means not playing with people we’ve not played with before. It means keeping to the familiar partners. Or not bothering to play at all. 

We watched as a stupid fantasy sent in PM (a fantasy based off an episode of The Closer, I’ll point out) was churned around into a fictitious cyberland rape charge by a very small group of consent militants who blew it all completely out of proportion and charged like a herd of cows over the cliff into deactivating their accounts for five days. The most peaceful five days that site had seen in a very long time, I’ll add.

Yeah, we watched that shit with amusement, and we knew exactly what it all meant. It meant it was time to take a step back and let the stand and model parade go by for a while. Stand and model, because very few of the cows stampeding over the cliff were actual BDSM participants. For being such experts on everything, it’s remarkable how little they’ve actually done.

Mmmhm. We saw that shit. Like an episode of Keystone Kops with people slamming and sniping each other all over the place, posting personal information there and on Facebook. We want no part of that shitshow. 

We saw where that stampede was heading. We saw this situation coming. We’re not willing to put our reputations, our lives, on the line to play with some chickadee who has no clue what she’s really asking for, or the consequences of her decision. 

I know this first hand. I had some chick ask for a caning “but no marks”. I had to tell her that isn’t going to happen. You’re being hit repeatedly by a stick. If you don’t have rhino hide, there are going to be marks. If memory serves, I gave her a five-minute butt warming with a paddle and that was it.

Unrealistic expectations abound, largely because they don’t want to listen to those of us who really do this shit and know what the fuck we’re talking about. They’d rather listen to the lies being told in discussion threads. They want to be told only what they want to hear. They don’t want the truth.

Just fulfill their fantasy, dammit! Don’t annoy them with facts.

We’re not willing to go all in on some bottom who doesn’t want to take the time to talk for half an hour with a complete stranger before going into an intense, to the edge, encounter. If they’re not willing to put in a little time and negotiation, then they aren’t going to get our attention at all. It’s much safer that way.

Nope, they want to skip right over that negotiation thing. Never mind that they are not nearly prepared for what could happen to them. Lack of negotiation is one of the things stated when they make their accusations. They ADMIT they didn’t discuss things well enough. They admit they didn’t bring up this or that. They admit they LIED when asked.  Somehow it’s still the top’s fault when things go sideways.

Up pops another writing about how some top wasn’t a mind reader when the bottom didn’t open her mouth and make words to say there was a problem.

We bitch at dudes for thinking with their dicks, but lemme tell you, I have never before seen such a group of twats thinking solely with their pussies.

Are you what you say you are, masochist bottom standing there begging me for a spanking? In ten years of topping others, I’ve only ever had two women who could go as long as I wanted to beat and whip on them. So that’s not very good odds.

Are you WHO you say you are? Will there really be no drama? I doubt it. Those who say they hate drama seem to make the most.

Sadists and predators are not willing to take the chance that you’ll turn out to be some psycho hellbent on ruining their lives because you didn’t get cuddled long enough at the SM dungeon. A friend of mine made a “rabbit in the soup pot on my stove” reference. Yeah, we think along those lines. We see that shit coming.

Are you going to turn psycho because the top you’re done playing with dared to go play with some other chick ten minutes after you walked away?

Whammo, there’s another writing about how she didn’t get sufficient “aftercare” (which is, by their own words, a euphemism for cuddling with these chicks) and he’s such an abusive ass for going to play with someone else.

Lemme tell you something. If you’re looking for cuddling from strangers at the SM dungeon, you’re looking in the wrooooooooong damn place.

Are you going to go insane on him because he didn’t want to be your boyfriend for the next three months after half an hour of play? I’ve seen someone declare that any top who plays with her knows they MUST be available to her for THREE MONTHS afterward, for after care. (does the math…three play partners in one night, twice a month…six men pandering to her “needs” for three months, renewed monthly) That is completely ridiculous.

That’s is a boyfriend fetish and a fear of being alone, not a need for after care. 

We’re not interested in being roped into a nonconsensual role as your significant other for quarter of the year over half an hour of patting your tushie. Trust me. Your tushie isn’t that special. Casual play means we both walk away when it’s done, not that we’re tied to you for weeks on end until you find a replacement mark.

I’ve seen one of these people state in a writing that she’s not interested in justice. She’s only interested in destroying someone. I’ve seen another state that she can destroy a top with one post.

Where did the sadists and predators go? 

Nowhere. We’re still here. 

We’re just a LOT more cautious nowadays about our casual play.

This is the bed made by all those chicks who knew they didn’t belong in the first place, and the militant consent crew that twists everything they don’t like into the worst of consent violations because they have nothing better to do that day than cause trouble where there wasn’t any.

This is the bed created by party promoters who decided the nillas (and their money) coming in the door were more important than the actual SM practitioners. This is the bed created by the Dungeon Monitors who tell hard players they can’t play hard anymore because the nillas will get scared. Or who tell those hard players to wait until later in the evening to play. You know, after the non-participants go home and won’t get scared by what they might see.

This is the bed made by all those people who put ticket sales and group membership numbers ahead of quality and experience.

They’ve left you, masochist wondering where the sadists/predators have gone, to lay in it. 

I know it’s not a comfy bed. I’m a sadomasochist. I see it from the perspective of the sadist top who has to be extremely careful, and I see it from the perspective of the maso bottom who craves that intensity and absolutely means it when I say “MOREMOREMORE Please don’t stop!” I have told more than one top that, within the boundaries of the party’s rules they could not possibly violate my consent.

“What happened to those who want to see fire and spunk??”

They’re waiting for the brat-fad crap to be over, and for submissive to mean NOT the boss of everything again…because that bullshit gets fuckin’ old fuckin’ fast.

“Where are all the sadists/predators?!”

They both standing together on the sidelines, watching the circus and shaking their heads…and protecting their asses by not playing with or getting into a relationship with people they don’t know well enough.

What did you think was going to happen?

———-

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She’s been doing this BDSM stuff for 30 years in private and 10 years in public venues. 

She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twenty fiction books that you can find on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can find more of her work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/
FB Regular page —  https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseAuthor

She enjoys crochet, coffee, and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

I’ll answer the question right off the bat: NOTHING.

The “community”, if you believe in such a thing, does not owe you a single thing. I’ll explain why.

I read a thread in which someone decided that everyone has to know everything about BDSM, and is personally responsible for educating all the new people in all the BDSM things.

“Even in the realm of BDSM, I still come across folks who have been in the lifestyle for decades, so they say – and I have no reason not to believe them, who have no idea what a little is.” 

Said as if it is a horrible thing for someone not to know about a niche, trendy fad kink.

Finding that statement to be very judgmental, I asked “Why would they?” Behaving like a child doesn’t fall under bondage or discipline. It isn’t dominance or submission. It’s not sadism or masochism. If they’ve never seen it in their circles, they’ve never seen it. 

That’s not a crime.

A lot of experienced people don’t know about the fetish of balloons and know nothing about dudes putting nettles through piercings in their foreskin. Or putting crickets on their junk so they’ll bite. Still more have never heard of splitting a dick in two, or splitting the tongue like a snake.

If they don’t know about it, they’re not going to be teaching others about it.

I was doing this d/s relationship stuff for ten years before I knew it had a name. I was doing bdsm for 20 years without ever setting foot in a dungeon. Fire play? Seriously? People set each other on fire??? WTF? People actually stick needles in each other for fun??? GTFO!

It’s not a crime against BDSM, or humanity, for someone who has decades of experience to not know a kink exists. We don’t all have to know everything about everything in order to participate in BDSM. The entire point of BDSM is that we all can pick and choose the things we learn about based solely on our personal, individual, interests. There’s no doctorate in BDSM that I’m aware of. There’s no Bachelor of Bondage Degree to my knowledge. We do what we like to do. We learn about the things we like to do.

As for everyone “being responsible” for educating everyone else who walks in the dungeon and making sure everyone is safe…just no. This is actually one of the 50 Lies I included in my book 50 Lies Told to New People About BDSM. No one at the party is obligated to educate you in anything going on. This is the word I’ve been seeing used in recent months. Obligated.

When you go to a shopping center, are you personally responsible for making sure no one steals? Are you obligated to stop them? No. That’s what security is for.

When you go driving on the freeway, are you personally responsible for making sure everyone drives within their lane? Are you obligated to inform someone they’re speeding and tell them to slow down? No. They are responsible for themselves.

Suddenly, when it’s BDSM, everyone is personally obligated to everyone else. It doesn’t work that way. It’s a wonderful wish, but it’s not reality.

Reality is:
I’m not responsible for anyone but myself. No one else is responsible for me.
You are responsible for yourself. No one else is responsible for you.

There is another huge lie that BDSM is great for everyone and everyone else will make it gentle and safe for the poor booboo newbie who is obviously incapable of making any decisions for themselves.

Let me set you straight on this right now, because THIS is EXACTLY why and how new people get hurt: They rely on OTHER PEOPLE to protect them, to teach them, to show them the ropes. Why do they rely on it? Because a few idiots in an online forum have told the rest of the world that it’s obligatory and to be expected.

It’s not obligatory. It’s not to be expected. It’s sink or swim time.

What you perceive as the “community” doesn’t owe anyone a damn thing. Not a hot cup of coffee and not your personal safety. Those things are up to you.

I’ve also seen this notion that you personally “owe” the community. When questioned, they couldn’t actually state what you owe your local BDSM community beyond teaching new people.

Here I am saying it again: No one is obligated or required to help anyone else learn a thing. 

That shit comes from the heart. It comes from within the individual who wants to do it, and exists only as long as that individual feels like sharing and teaching. I know people who quit holding parties; who quit teaching. One stated (directly to me over my vending table full of floggers) that he’d “already done” his community service and he was at the parties solely to have a good time. That is his right. Choosing to be there solely to have a good time is everyone’s right. 

Choosing to teach is an individual decision and not for anyone to demand or require of anyone else. That guy with the great flogger technique doesn’t have to talk you through it if he doesn’t want. The chick who is the bomb with the cane doesn’t have to tell you a thing. You have no right to get indignant if they won’t share. What they can’t do is stop you from watching their scene and learning visually.

No one owes the “community” anything beyond respect for the anonymity and privacy of others.

So remember these two things:
1. No one is required to teach anyone anything.
2. It’s not crime for anyone to decide against performing community service.

Almost invariably, there’s some comment about “saving/protecting the new people from themselves.”

We are not dealing with children here. These are fully grown adults making their own choices. If you wouldn’t tell the neighborhood kids not to skateboard off the roof, but would instead watch it from the safety of your living room (or, worse, record it for youtube or facebook), then don’t be saying we have to protect a grown adult from deciding to go to an adult party and get a spanking or get tied up.

If a new person decides it’s not for them and never returns, that’s fine. That would be much better than holding their hands and luring them along with the false promise of a perfect (and perfectly safe) kinky playland. There’s no such thing on either count.

People forget that the public scene is the smallest portion of kinksters. The people in it just seem very loud because events and groups around them are completely in our collective faces on social media.

The vast majority of people are doing this BDSM stuff solely at home. They are figuring it out all by their own selves. They don’t feel isolated or alone. They want to keep themselves private. It’s just their sex life and they’re perfectly happy not having someone intrude to tell them how to do it or that they’re doing it wrong/being unsafe.

We don’t need a scene full of white knights. You do your thing and be safe about it. Others will learn by watching you. 

That’s called leading by example.

——-

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twentysomething fiction books.

Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/

FB Regular page —  https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseAuthor

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.