Dee Voyse

Being involved in the kink scene requires a certain amount of vulnerability, openness, and honesty. Communication is the foundation among all types of BDSM activity and, as such, is a practice that is required to be honed and understood. We are all used to negotiation, safewords, and sharing parts of ourselves that the vanilla world may not ever get to see. When there is a potential for the world of BDSM to blur into our vanilla world, it can be an intimidating thought. For some people, they are perfectly comfortable being out about their kink lifestyle. For others, it could pose a risk to their livelihood, career, and more. Unfortunately, in this day and age, not everyone has the privilege of this choice. Some people are forced to keep their BDSM lifestyle a secret. Others are outed without consent. The world can be a harsh place for those whose lifestyles are not in line with the apparent status quo.

Coming out should be a personal choice. It should not be forced upon anyone. Furthermore, in an ideal situation, it would not be a terrifying prospect. If BDSM education was to gain momentum in mainstream culture in the same manner in which the 50 Shades “phenomenon” did, there would be much more understanding and knowledge to be shared with the vanilla world. Books and movies like 50 Shades and television shows such as the new Netflix comedy Bonding are a detriment to making the vanilla world a safe place for kinksters to exist. Inaccurate portrayals of BDSM which show clear violations of consent and unsafe/unhygienic practices can only serve to bely the integrity of the BDSM community. As a result, vanilla individuals are given a mistaken impression about the world of kink, leading to uninformed judgment.

The first step to understanding is a willingness to learn. The second is the actual education. I believe that kink and vanilla can coexist so long as there is this willingness to understand one another. People are quick to judge what they do not understand. Simply existing can be tough enough for anyone without the added stressors of undue judgment and misunderstanding. BDSM, for many, is an ethos. It gives us a sense of purpose and a feeling of belonging to a community larger than our individual selves. There is no easy solution to the slew of misinformation about BDSM that bombards mainstream culture, but seeking to educate is a great first step.

About the Author

Dee Voyse is a proud kinkster who has been active in the BDSM scene for over a decade. She enjoys sharing her experiences in order to inform and educate and, at times, titillate.

• Knowing My Origins

Having been an active participant in the BDSM lifestyle and my local BDSM scene for the better part of the last decade, I am still and forever always learning new things. My years of experience have taught me quite a bit and, though I still find myself falling somewhere in between “newbie” and “seasoned”, I definitely have wisdom to share. Today, I would like to discuss the responsibility that we all share as members of the BDSM community. Though there is a great deal of warmth and welcoming to be found within the BDSM community, there is also a lot of predatory and toxic behavior. As members of such a thriving and eclectic community, it is our responsibility to take care of and look out for one another.

• The Pitfalls of Power Exchange

Far too often, I’ve seen those new and eager to join the scene being preyed upon. I see people boasting of their expertise, making claims that far outweigh their actual experience and using this to justify pursuing complex and intense relationship dynamics with others who take their word at face value without knowing any better. I see submissives overcome by “sub-frenzy” who jump into TPE (total power exchange) dynamics without a second thought. I see tops utilizing unsafe practices and putting the well-being of their bottoms at risk. And I’ve had enough.

• A Call to Action

I am aware of the fact that I am merely one individual. I know I cannot possibly go around policing the entirety of my local scene. This is why I am calling upon you, dear readers, to help. I am advocating for education and communication above all. As is said, “If you see something, say something.” This is a call to members of the BDSM community to speak out if you become aware of unsafe practices. To politely advise friends new to the scene to learn more about it before jumping in with both feet.To seek to educate those lacking in experience who are willing to learn. And some advice for those new to the scene: Know your resources and use them. Attending munches is a great way to meet people in a vanilla setting and getting outside of a play space to speak to people will help you find individuals that you can trust. I have found that, when play is off the table and people can just talk to one another without being pressured into a scene, it is incredibly beneficial and can lead to making lasting connections.

• Final Thoughts

Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) as well as Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) are the foundations to practicing BDSM in a more positive and enlightened way. So many of us have the BDSM community to thank for being a large part of our lives and our journeys of self-discovery and self-love. If we all work together and support each other, the community will thrive all the more.

About the Author

Dee Voyse is a proud kinkster who has been active in the BDSM scene for over a decade. She enjoys sharing her experiences in order to inform and educate and, at times, titillate.

What is a Cathartic Scene?

In the context of BDSM play, a cathartic scene is one wherein the players achieve a certain level of emotional release (catharsis) from the giving and receiving of pain and sharing in a power exchange dynamic. Often times, this will involve pushing against boundaries and soft or hard limits provided that fully informed consent has been given beforehand. Not all scenes in BDSM play are necessarily cathartic. Some scenes are for performative purposes, some scenes are purely for the ethos of pain play, and other scenes are for nurturing or role-play scenarios, just to name a few. The distinction of a cathartic scene can be made in that the play often (but not always) is of a more heavy or intense nature. The end goal is to inspire some sort of emotional expression on the part of the players, which can be anything from crying to screaming and beyond. Everyone is different and therefore no two scenes are completely alike. There are, however, many common intentions behind the execution of a cathartic scene.

Why Do People Do Cathartic Scenes?

The purposes and methods of a cathartic scene will vary from player to player but there is a great deal of overlap to be noted. Often times, those engaging in a cathartic scene have experienced some sort of trauma and, in playing with the intention of achieving a catharsis, can use BDSM play to process their emotions in a controlled environment. For example, if an individual has recently experienced a loss in their life, the tools of BDSM play can allow them to grieve in a manner that is both outside of conventional methods and also tailored to their specific needs. Cathartic scenes are not the one and only means by which one can achieve an emotional release of course. Participating in a cathartic scene is simply another way for those who are inclined towards a BDSM lifestyle to deal with pent up emotional energy that could otherwise manifest negatively elsewhere in their lives.

How Can I Negotiate a Cathartic Scene?

There is no right or wrong way to do a cathartic scene; however, there are some key elements to which attention and care should be paid. Because of the nature of handling trauma and grief, it is important that the emotions of those involved are handled delicately. Engaging in a detailed negotiation prior to beginning the scene is crucial as is an understanding of potential triggers and how far is “too far”. It would be irresponsible to go ahead with a scene if the potential for emotional damage is greater than that of emotional release. Make sure that all parties involved are truly ready to process their emotions in such an intense manner. Confirm safewords first and watch for signs of distress during a scene in case it is necessary for anyone involved to stop the scene and go straight to aftercare. An incredibly important part of culminating a cathartic scene is the attention paid during aftercare. For example, if your submissive is crying and in a highly emotional state, it is your responsibility to comfort and reassure them. To put someone through the paces of a cathartic scene and then leave them in a vulnerable state without any aftercare is negligent. Players, be sure to care for one another, especially within the context of a cathartic scene. The fragile vulnerability inspired by heavy play and pushing boundaries is not to be taken lightly. When done improperly, a cathartic scene has the potential to be damaging. However, when care is taken to see that the scene is done right, beneficial and liberating emotional release can be achieved.

About the Author

Dee Voyse is a proud kinkster who has been active in the BDSM scene for over a decade. She enjoys sharing her experiences in order to inform and educate and, at times, titillate.