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Why Humiliation Is Exciting To Many

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly! 

I’ve participated in a lot of discussions regarding the use of humiliation and degradation within power  dynamics. Many consider the fact that many submissives enjoy being humiliated or degraded as being a paradox. I don’t see it as a paradox, I see it as a very rational, and expected, reaction. Here’s why: 

I tend to think most people who enjoy humiliation, don’t enjoy humiliation itself, but LOVE being  humiliated. In other words, it’s the fact that someone else is deliberately humiliating them that gets the chemicals flowing. 

I’ve talked about it before – I believe that there is a process of rationalization whenever we willingly and  voluntarily accept something from a partner that isn’t what we normally would desire. We must justify,  to ourselves, why would allow this to happen to us. This is true when a sub is punished, or “tortured”  (non-abusive), or required to do chores, follow protocols, or any number of other things. The fact that  power dynamics are consensual, leaves out abusive / truly-forced reasons – leaving only the rationale  that the dominant has the authority to inflict this upon the submissive – and, upon accepting that  authority, leaving the submissive feeling “helpless” to resist. 

So, voluntarily accepting something from a dominant that we normally would not accept, triggers a  feeling of being under the dominant’s control and authority. That’s something subs want. That’s  something that makes their submission feel more real. Subs don’t have to enjoy the activity – but they  absolutely enjoy feeling the dominant’s authority. 

This is behind my assertion that punishments always reward submissives…even if the punishment is  something that they hate…and that people who think that you need to make the punishment severe  enough for the sub to change their behavior to avoid it, are fooling themselves. The more the  submissive dislikes the activity they feel compelled to allow, the more “real” the authority feels and the  more titillating the experience. See my previous article entitled, “Punishment Is Always a Reward” in  Kinkweekly, for a more in-depth discussion regarding punishments. 

Humiliation is something most of us would try to avoid. It’s not a pleasant experience. But if a sub allows  a dominant to humiliate them, they stimulate the feeling of submissiveness and powerlessness under  the authority of the dominant. It promotes the dominant to a more powerful position in their mind,  which is arousing and enjoyable. 

There is a Yin to that Yang: Dominants are afforded the opposite end of that rationalization: They know  that the submissive would normally avoid humiliating situations. However, they are not only allowing  themselves to be humiliated, they’re do voluntarily within the context of their power dynamic. The  rationalization that the dominant must have the authority to levy the punishment, supports the  dominant’s feeling of control and power. Humiliation becomes a playful experience. How much can a  dominant push a submissive? How far does that rationalized-authority extend? 

In this light, it’s obvious why humiliation is desirable – and what the submissive and dominant may gain  from it. It’s not a paradox at all. It makes complete sense!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Humiliation and Degradation

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You have heard or seen humiliation and or degradation before in sexual scenes. The Dominatrix says to  her sub “You are a dirty little sissy slut, and Mistress is going to fuck your useless ass”, or you have seen  it in porn, for example, the submissive tied up kneeling on the bathroom floor with her mouth open and the word “toilet” scrawled on her body and face as a variety of men stand around urinating on her and in her mouth.  

What is it about humiliation and degradation that plays so powerfully as a fetish in kink?  

There is an arousal response that occurs when someone is humiliated. The arousal response is the  constellation of physiological changes—e.g., increased muscle tension, tachycardia and secretion of  catecholamines—which help prepare the body for expenditure of a large amount of energy; also known  as. the “fight-or-flight response”. For some people, that response occurs to them as sexually arousing.  

The fight or flight response can occur as sexual arousal because the sexual arousal response is quite  similar in some ways to the fight or flight response. The sexual arousal response is the sequence of  physical and emotional changes that occur as a person becomes sexually aroused. It occurs in 3 phases.  It’s during the first 2 phases of the sexual arousal response, desire (or libido) and arousal (excitement)  that the person who finds humiliation and degradation arousing experiences the fight or flight response as arousing.  

I have had submissives who are aroused by fear. The fear of being punished, the fear of being used hard  and so on. Well in the case of these submissive women, their fear is compressed with their feelings of  sexual arousal and so they seek situations where they can be humiliated or degraded as part of their  sexual self-expression.  

During the first phase of sexual arousal, which can last from a few minutes to several hours, (like in a  play scene), a person may experience any of the following:  

– Muscle tension increase  

– Heart rate quickening  

– More rapid breathing  

– Flushing of the skin  

– Nipple erection and hardening  

– Genital blood flow increases resulting in erection of the penis and swelling of the labia and  clitoris  

– Vaginal lubrication begins and vaginal walls swell  

– The breasts become fuller  

– The testes swell and the scrotum tightens, and he begins secreting lubricating liquid  

This list represents all the physical changes that could occur during this phase, but its quite conceivable  that a person may experience one or more of these symptoms directly as a result of being humiliated or  degraded which illustrates how humiliation and degradation can be interpreted as sexually arousing.  During the second phase of sexual arousal, those changes listed are intensified with breathing, heart  rate and blood pressure also increasing. It’s easy to imagine how the fight or flight response can be  experienced as sexual arousal because the physiological changes that occur in either one are so similar to each other. 

There are whole kink constructs developed around humiliation and degradation. Take the example of  the husband with a tiny penis who is cuckhold by his wife who dates men with much large dicks and who  constantly humiliates him by saying things like “you could never satisfy me with that tiny dick” or “put  that in a cage, its not needed any more, a real man will fuck me” and so on. I recently met such a small  penis kinkster who is 8 months in chastity and who is being sissified by his Mistress who humiliates him  to the point that he is required to dress in women’s lingerie and service her and the large-dicked men,  also known as Bulls, she brings home. To please her, he fluffs the Bull and cleans her pussy or ass after  he fucks her, and then he cleans the Bull’s dick. He does not identify as gay or bi. His entire world of  sexual arousal is based on humiliation and degradation, and for sure that is just one example of a  hundred possible scenarios. On the other hand, in a typical heterosexual relationship, the male partner  may experience arousal when his partner says things to him like “I’m going to fuck your sissy ass” while  she fingers his ass and massages his prostate, with that level of humiliation being more than enough to  sexually arouse him to his satisfaction. Similarly, my slut likes me to call her “a dirty girl”, and “a filthy  whore” because she enjoys ass to mouth, which I also love. I will also add that as a sexual sadist, I get a  certain rise out of doing things that are humiliating or degrading to my slut. From putting her in a cage  with ginger in her ass to pissing down her throat after I have caned her ass, these acts cause a sexually  arousing physiological response in me as well as in her such that we both thrive sexually.  

Consider that something occurs as humiliating only if the person being targeted with the humiliating  task or phrase experience the phrase or task as humiliating. At the same time, I humiliate my slut by  calling her a “filthy whore”, which arouses her, and so even though its clearly degrading to call her –  someone I love – a” filthy whore’, in context it serves to arouse her.  

The argument then, is that for humiliation and degradation to make sense in a sexual scene, the target  of that humiliation and degradation needs to be sexually aroused by the humiliation. If I were to call my  slut “a filthy whore” and it has the impact of making her feel bad, then that would take her out of a  sexual context and disrupt the scene.  

When I piss in my slut’s ass, it is a very dominant act that is degrading to her on one level, but on  another level, she is deeply aroused by my doing so, to the point that she masturbates vigorously while I do so.  

When I put her in pussy chastity and made her an ass whore for a month, was that humiliating? Well, it  is degrading to be told you are in chastity for a month for sure, but she loves anal sex and while she got  sexually frustrated at her pussy not being used, she loved getting related to her ass as a sex organ at the same time.  

Humiliation and degradation are kinks. They are a fetish, but unlike say, flogging, which is very much  physical, they are kinks that expand the dynamic. They do so as either direct or indirect stimuli. They are  not always as direct as impact play for example. Whether its direct like chastity, or indirect like a phrase,  incorporating humiliation and degradation into your dynamic is really about getting into your partner’s  head.  

All sexual encounters are ultimately psychological encounters in the end. Sure, sex itself is physical, but  it is the degree of arousal and the intensity of the experience that fetishes and kinks play on that make  the experience more psychological than physical, and more intense physically. 

We are very kinky people. We live in a 24/7 TPE. Consider that. It is an always on, total power exchange.  She has gifted me her power when it comes to our sexual dynamic and our relationship. This means that  when I tell her to get ready, she stops what she is doing, she goes off to the bathroom and she prepares  herself to be a 3-hole whore. She prepares herself like she is going out on a date, she makes up her face,  she voids her bowel and bladder, she crawls to the living room and she kneels on the floor to wait for me to use her. She understands that whatever I choose to do, she is prepared for. I have her complete  consent. This is based in trust. She knows me as a sensual sadist and a generous lover. She knows that I  love her and that I do not break my toys. She also knows that there is nothing wrong and so it is of no  concern to me or her if she reds out. With that knowledge she will literally do whatever I ask her to do in  order to please me, because she belongs to me and she is my service slut. The degrading things I do to  her, from a daily maintenance spanking to pissing in her ass or down her throat are just part of her  experience of deep arousal and they heat up our already hot scenes so that when we play, we  experience every sexual encounter with each other as a very intense encounter which is so very steamy  that we are left quite literally exhausted after we play.  

Humiliation and degradation are absorbed into our dynamic and they keep our sexual self-expression  hotter and more exciting than ever. And the key thing is that she is aroused by being used when I use  her in a degrading way or when I say the humiliating things I say to her, she is deeply aroused. For  example, imagine how she must be feeling to have the overwhelming urge to masturbate and slap her  clit hard while I am pissing in her ass at the end of a scene. She does this volitionally and organically and  not because I gave her an instruction to do so. It is her self-expression as she explores her experience of  intense arousal during a degrading act.  

I could write this article about any aspect of our TPE. Remember, it always boils down to consent. Every  kink you engage in as a Dom with an s-type MUST start with consent.  

With consent, anything goes. Even humiliation and degradation.  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and  personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching  out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on  all podcast platforms

Video: Consensual Humiliation Play

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Interested in humiliation play?

Want to know more about how to do this kind of play ethically and consensually?

Then, tune into this informative video that will give you all kinds of great humiliation play ideas and advice!

Humiliating a submissive (BDSM, degradation kink) including humiliation ideas! Submissive training

Humiliation/Degradation in BDSM

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Many, if not most, players in the scene know that humiliation and/or degradation can be a part of play. However, some may not realize that there are different types. If you are negotiating this as part of your scene – being specific can be extremely important. First I want to define what these things mean.

Erotic humiliation: “consensual psychological humiliation in order to produce erotic excitement or sexual arousal. This can be for the person being humiliated and demeaned or for the person humiliating, or for some spectator. It may be part of BDSM and other sexual roleplay or accompanied by the sexual stimulation of one or both partners in the activity. Humiliation is a subjective issue, and is dependent on context. It does not need to be sexual in nature; as with many other sexual activities, it is the feelings that are obtained from the experience that are desired, regardless of the nature of the actual activity. Erotic humiliation can be done verbally and/or physically, and can take place privately or publicly. Some individuals assume an acting role and others prefer to be spoken to in a degrading way. A classic technique that can be used to put the submissive into a bottom mind space is to humiliate them while also providing them with sexual stimulation. Select individuals who desire this form of humiliation also use it to acquire emotional release.” (Wikipedia)

Degradation: “the act or process of damaging or ruining something; the act of treating someone or something poorly and without respect.” (merriam-webster) In BDSM play this can often involve objectification which means acting as if the bottom is an object, like a table, footrest, ashtray, etc.

The two sub-categories I usually use are sexual vs. non-sexual humiliation/degradation. Sexual humiliation and degradation may include calling the bottom things like slut or whore. It can also include speaking to them in a way that suggests promiscuity. “You like it when I make you squirt in front of all these people, don’t you?” or “All you’re good for is being used as a cum dumpster”. (for example)

Non-sexual humiliation/degradation may include calling the bottom things like stupid or fat. Perhaps telling them they were only put on this earth to serve others and get used like a punching bag. Perhaps using their body to rest your feet on or including golden showers (human toilet) as part of your scene. (again, just some examples)

For many bottoms this type of play – just the use of one humiliating word, can trigger them and put them in a bad head space or even end the scene. This is why I think it’s important to be a bit more specific when negotiating this. While one bottom may be fine with “all of the above” when it comes to this type of play, another may only be ok with sexual humiliation/degradation. Another may take this type of play off the table completely. Be mindful that this type of play can include physical aspects, but also goes beyond that to the psychological/emotional. This is not a realm you want to mess around with – especially if the bottom is new or they are a new partner to you as a Top.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.