Kink Weekly

BDSM articles ideas bondage erotica resource

You are here: Home / Archives for dominance

dominance

Remove the Power Dynamic and Re-Ask the Question

By 2 Comments

hot Domme ass with crop
via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly! 

Earlier this week, I received a question from a woman who was wondering how to approach her  dominant partner regarding the time he was spending with an ex-submissive. She was expressing anger  that he was not spending that time with her, and that she was conflicted about talking to him about it,  because he was her dominant. 

The day before that, I read a question in a FetLife discussion group regarding how to find compatible partners for a D/s relationship. 

The day before that, a woman was complaining that her dominant husband / ‘daddy’ wasn’t paying her  enough attention and was triggering a ‘fear of abandonment’ issue for her. According to her, it was ‘his  job’ to take care of her…and he wasn’t. 

These three problems share a common thread: They all highlight power dynamics in the relationship, and yet, all have absolutely nothing to do with power dynamics!  

In follow-up discussions with each of these people, I was able to ascertain the root of the real  issues…and in all three cases, the core values of the relationship were in question – not the power  dynamics. In the first case, the woman felt he was spending time with his ex that she felt he should  prefer he spend with her. In the discussion, I asked if she would feel the same way if it was a beer-buddy  that he was seeing, rather than an ex – and eventually she admitted it wasn’t the time so much as the  person. She was feeling insecure and threatened by an ex-partner of her partner. Who hasn’t felt that? 

The gentleman in the second problem was receiving advice from lots of folks online: Get out there, go to  munches, meet the person first then find kink compatibility, etc. It read like a lot of standard, vanilla  dating advice…because it was…because ultimately, he was looking for a partner…we’ve all done that. 

The third woman was dealing with an abandonment issue that she had already spent a lifetime in  therapy working through. She knew the tools she needed to put in place to help herself, but was  avoiding the effort and placing it on her dominant. But the real problem was the same as it always was and the resolution rested with her, as it always had. 

I don’t know whether it’s a need for self-importance or just a correlation vs. consequence conflation, but  I often see people who are in relationships with power dynamics giving WAY too much importance to  the power dynamic and denying the fact that they are in a good-old relationship. I often hear how much  “stronger” a relationship is, because it has a power dynamic. Or, how much better the people are at  communicating because they have a power dynamic that requires communication. 

I believe this is a correlation and not a consequence and I challenge it: Power dynamics are just one of  MANY mutual dynamics / passions a couple can share – any of which will strengthen a relationship and  many of which will exercise communications. In fact, any activity or dynamic in which you engage, that  exercises communications, will TEST those communication skills – and your relationship will hang in the balance. Having a power dynamic doesn’t improve your communication skills – good communication  skills improve your power dynamic. You can observe good communications in relationships that last, and  that includes power relationships that last. But it’s not the existence of the power dynamic that creates  the good communications…it’s the other way around. 

When folks approach me with questions / issues regarding their power relationships, most of the time the problem really has nothing to do with the power dynamic. Most of the challenges we face are plain old relationship conflicts that need plain-old relationship solutions. What I have also found is that most of the people who approach me already know the answer to the problem, but are failing to see it,  believing it must be different because they have a power dynamic! In some cases, they are HOPING it  will be different because they have a power dynamic! 

What I mean by that last statement is that many times the resolutions to relationship issues are difficult,  and it would be awesome if having a power dynamic would make them simpler to resolve. There is an  aspect of ‘giving up control’ that makes one’s life easier…and it is nice to think that giving up control will  make relationship issue resolution easier too. Unfortunately, the layers don’t really mix that way.  Relationship issues hit at a very base-level of NEED in people…and power dynamics aren’t impacting that  level in that way. You must deal with relationship issues as equal partners in a relationship. There are no shortcuts. 

I have found that resolution to most of these issues comes directly from the people themselves, once I force them to restate the question removing the power dynamic. When they voice their concern without consideration for their position in the power dynamic – and just look at it objectively within their knowledge of vanilla relationships, they suddenly can see the answer.  

Sometimes, this is all that’s needed. Sometimes, they don’t like the answer they see, when they are forced to realize that power dynamics can’t be used as a crutch, an excuse for lazy behavior, or a reason  to pass the burden of resolution onto their partner due to their role in the power dynamic. Issues with  power dynamics need to be addressed without the D/s dynamic. 

Next time you’re faced with a problem, try restating the issue without consideration for your power  dynamic. What would a vanilla person do? If the answer to that question is clear to you, like it or not, it  is probably the appropriate answer to your problem as well! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

The Use Of Signals in Public

By 3 Comments

sexy female submissive getting blindfolded
via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

A while back, I published an essay called “Keeping your Dynamics Under Wraps”. In it, I discussed a  number of techniques for maintaining and executing your power dynamic – without it being apparent to  people around you (kids, relatives, co-workers, etc.). 

One of the techniques, which has recently spurred some interest, is the use of furtive signals to improve  communications without arousing awareness. I felt it would be good to dive in a bit deeper this week. 

The first key point is really an observation: The most effective means of keeping communications  private, is misdirection. In this case, giving the impression that the idea for someone’s actions was their  own. If it’s done well in a D/s context, it seems that the submissive partner thought up the action themselves, when, in reality, they were actually RESPONDING to impetus from the dominant partner. The dominant gets what they want, but it appears to be the submissive’s initiative. 

Why is that important? We are setting up this non-verbal communication system so that a dominant can  direct a submissive without it appearing that the submissive is following directives. When we see  someone volunteer to do something, apparently without provocation, we assume that the person is  doing it out of the goodness of their heart; that they are just a “really good guy”, “a doting partner”, or  “someone who really likes to help”. We accept almost anything that way. 

Most people with power dynamics will establish protocol and routine ahead of meeting with others outside of their dynamic. They will establish “rules of behavior” that are to be followed without any  need for prompting. These are terrific, but tend to be a bit inflexible. When a situation arises that wasn’t anticipated, the routines can break down and the communications can falter. This is where having a set  of signals can be of service. The idea is to covertly handle exceptions to the routines that were  previously established, through the use of non-verbal communications. 

Some basic rules 

There are a few rules you will want to follow to make this effective and clandestine: 

– Eye contact during a signal is usually a BAD thing. Others can see an increase in intensity, or a  “call to focus” when you attempt to communicate with your eyes. Even if there is a signal in  play, many people will either look at the signal, or look at the submissive – to either emphasize  the signal or gain confirmation that the signal was received. This is usually a give-away: Others  see that connection, realize that something out of the ordinary has occurred, and put two-and two together when the submissive partner suddenly gets an idea to do something “helpful”  

– Deliberately looking away is not good either: Keep the signal natural and don’t change your  focus because you’re using one. If you’re looking forward, keep looking forward. Don’t stare or  remain stagnant. Just be loose and natural 

– Signals need to be hiding in plain sight. They can’t be something that the sub needs to search  for…yet, it can’t be something unnatural that calls attention. Things dealing with objects around 

you will work well – like resting a hand on a table or a chair. Stretching, scratching one’s nose,  touching an earring – these are all very prominent, but natural motions that can be used – The signals will rely on the submissive partner’s dedication to observation. It is the onus of the  submissive partner to be looking for the signals. If they’re missed, it’s on the submissive – Allow time to pass between signal and action. Immediate reaction to a signal can be a give away, particularly if a lot of signaling is going on. Eventually, those around you will notice that  when the dominant moves, the submissive reacts. It’s far more clandestine if there is a  disconnect in time between the signal and the action. It doesn’t have to be long, just a moment  to disassociate the actions 

Ways to make it work 

Here are some easy ways to make this work: 

– Make signals the exception to submissive behavior routines. In other words, the submissive  partner is ALWAYS looking for ways to serve as usual. The normal course of events will continue  with the routines and protocols in play. Use of the signal is for something outside of that normal  behavior. It could be a request for non-submissive behavior – or it could be a request for a  specific, predetermined action. A good signal will not mean “Obey Me Immediately”; for that is  likely a given…however, a good signal might say, “I want your honest answer, not the one you  think I want to hear from my submissive” 

– Establish a feedback loop. It’s helpful to establish a return signal for the submissive partner to  use that communicates back: “aye-aye” (which, btw, originated as ‘I hear and I obey”). It  informs the dominant that the submissive partner has received the signal and is ready to act on  it – even if that action doesn’t happen immediately. This allows the dominant to stop signaling,  knowing that the message has been received, and then be focused elsewhere when the  submissive partner suddenly gets the idea to do something. My hubby and I use a touch of his  eye to indicate that a signal has been received. People rub their eyes all the time. I signal; he  touches his eye; communication completed

– Check in with me: I recommend that you always have a signal that means, “Check in with me”.  It’s impossible to predict every situation you might encounter and build signals around that.  There will be times when only verbal communication will do. The “check in with me”-signal tells  the submissive partner to take the initiative to see if there’s something the dominant partner  wants or needs. It tells them to observe, or perhaps enquire as to what is needed 

– Keep it simple: Make the signals natural gestures. It’s better to have a missed signal than to  have a submissive need to noticeably look for, or interpret a signal. Plus, you don’t want to have  to exaggerate a signal to have it seen. You want to know that, as long as the submissive is paying  attention (which they are on point to do), they will see the signal 

– Avoid “counting”: This one is almost funny…but I’ve seen it. “If I tap on my wrist 3 times, it  means ask me if I want a drink; twice ask me if I’m hungry”. Fundamentally, don’t do this! Everyone in the room is going to zone in on your tapping – not because you’re tapping, but  because the submissive partner will be focused on counting. It forces the sub to stare – and that  needs to be avoided. It’s surprising that, although this seems obvious, many people do it 

– Keep the repertoire small: Strive to establish the fewest number of signals you can. Pick general  meanings that can be interpreted based on the situation. Use them to initiate actions (like checking in) that open the door to natural conversations. Use them to bring general attention to  the dominant, who can then help the submissive partner determine what needs to be done.  – Practice, practice, practice. Try it with small things. Drop signals when the submissive is busy.  The submissive needs to learn how to be alert and observant. When they see the signal, have them say it out loud (when you’re practicing). If you have friends who are aware of your  dynamic, practice in front of them – If they don’t see the signals, even though they’re tuned in,  people who are not tuned in will never be the wiser 

With my submissive, I only have four signals: 

1) “I want your real opinion”: Under normal circumstances, his aim is to make me happy, so, if I  said, “Do you want to go out for Italian food tonight?” and didn’t give the signal, he would  interpret it as, “We’re going out for Italian tonight…and I’m giving you the opportunity to at  least LOOK LIKE you have a choice” and his answer will always be, “Yes, Italian sounds  perfect!“…but if I give him the signal for his real opinion, he is free to suggest something else. He  might respond, “Italian sounds great, or maybe Indian?” The “Real Opinion” signal is very  valuable with unknowing folks around 

2) “You’re missing something you should be doing”: He knows that he had better stop and figure  this one out fast. I’m not necessarily telling him what he’s missing, but I’m alerting him to the  fact that something is up. For us, the signal is me playing with my earring. Usually with a little  thought, he can figure out what I want pretty quickly, but when he can’t, he enquires. He has said things like, “Are you OK honey? You look like you’re thinking of something. You have the  habit of playing with your earring when something is bothering you…is there anything I can do?”  Which just makes him seem like the PERFECT husband; observant and tuned into his wife. Then I  can choose to either give him subtle direction at that point, or take him to a private spot where I  can give him more direct instruction – or, if I want him to figure it out, I can just respond that  nothing is wrong. Regardless, others need not know what’s going on – and it looks like he’s  initiating the interaction and just being a doting husband 

3) “Stop talking, stop arguing, get in line…obey!”: Which has that intended effect! It’s the  equivalent of saying, ‘submissives are meant to be seen not heard”…and he will quickly blend  into the background 

4) Lastly, we have his favorite signal, which says, “You’re in for a treat tonight”… which means I’m  thinking of wickedly evil things to do to him when we get alone. This one will always get a rise out of him 🙂 

Dominance and submission are between the ears of the unique couple. What you say and what you do  is far less important than the understood intent of what you say and what you do. When you’re both on  the same page, people around you can be completely unaware that your dynamic is in full-force.  Predefined routines and protocols help you to maintain your dynamic when you don’t want those  around you to be aware of it. Establishing a small set of private, clandestine signals will allow you to  adjust those routines to the realities around you: Handling situations that you have not predicted and  adapting to real-time changes in your mood and preferences. Try them out! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Why I Don’t Use Fear As A Submissive Motivator

By 2 Comments

 

handcuffs, sex on the bed
via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

Yesterday, I was chatting with a dominant who was boasting about how he had put the “fear of God” into his submissive, so that she would never disobey him. He talked about a sequence of scenes that he  created, whereby she was subjected to her worst fears. In fact, he was particularly proud of how the use  of spiders, a phobia of hers, had made her wet herself in fear. He said that she is now perfectly behaved  and responds immediately to his every demand – since she never wants to relive that experience. 

The conversation turned my stomach, frankly. I know it’s a flavor of fantasy, but it struck me more as  abuse than D/s. Still, it did get me thinking. In many circumstances, punishments are used to establish a  baseline of fear in order to obtain compliance. I’ve often heard of the practice of punishing a new  submissive before they’ve actually done anything wrong – as a means of showing them the consequences of misbehaving and establishing the fear of having to repeat the ordeal. This technique  was even used in “Venus in Furs” upon the signature of the contract, where Wanda told Severin that he  shall feel the bite of the whip, for no reason other than her whim – as a means of solidifying the  agreement and establishing the cost of disobedience. 

As I thought more about it, I found myself considering how I treat my submissives and comparing it to  this technique. I have complete authority over them and can do anything I want to them. Sometimes I  choose to cause them discomfort. Do they fear me? More importantly, do I WANT them to fear me? 

I found my answers in the differentiation between ‘compliance’ and ‘submission’. Compliance is doing  what you’re told; submission is dedicating yourself to the preferences of another. I concluded that,  while there is no doubt that establishing fear is an effective technique for gaining compliance, it is not the best technique for gaining submission. I further concluded that, while I enjoy obedience from my  submissives, I’m not interested in their BLIND obedience. I don’t want obedience to be their goal, I want  it to be the byproduct of their goal. I don’t want them to please me by obeying me, I want them to obey  me because they’re striving to please me. Certainly not doing what I want would not please me and  would make my life more complicated. When the focus of the submissive is to be the best submissive that they can be, their motivation is to strive to deliver top-notch service. So, in order to serve me well,  one of the things they’ll do, is to do what I want them to. What I know for sure, is that I don’t want them  to obey me because they fear the consequences of not obeying me. 

What’s wrong with fear-based motivation? I see a few key issues when you consider submission and not  just compliance: 

• The submissive finds themselves looking for “Outs” – ways to avoid the consequence. The goal is  that they will avoid the consequence by complying with the request. However, if they can avoid  the consequence more easily than complying with the demand, they will – because the  motivation is all about the consequence and not about the request itself. The “Loophole” in the  rule becomes a possibility…and then the dominant is forced to punish use of the loophole…and  round you go.

• The submissive will comply only as much as is needed, to avoid the consequence. Most fear based victims will not attempt to exceed the ask. They will do the minimum to avoid the  consequence. They also will not apply lessons learned to other requests. In other words, unless  there is a specific consequence looming over another task – even one that’s similar to the known  task – the submissive is not motivated to get the job done, as there’s no consequence attached  to that item. The dominant is forced to establish a consequence for every action they wish to  control. 

• The onus of successful completion falls on the dominant! With fear-based motivation, the  dominant must first establish a consequence that’s compelling enough to motivate the  submissive. It must be something that can be actually delivered, as a sub will not be motivated  unless the consequence is real. And it needs to be effective. Should the submissive NOT execute  the demand, it is because the dominant did not establish a fearful enough consequence, did not  consider a loophole, or didn’t apply a consequence to a particular outcome. 

These three points establish obedience as the dominant’s responsibility to enforce. All the sub is doing is  avoiding the consequence they fear. The dominant is busy creating maintaining, and delivering the  consequences. That’s a lot of work and responsibility for the person who’s supposed to be the one being served! 

Contrast this with a submissive who is motivated by their own inner desire to please and serve (and  therefore, obey) their dominant: 

• The dominant is only on the hook for communicating their preferences – then the submissive  takes responsibility for delivering what the dominant wants. The onus of success is on the  submissive.  

• The submissive’s focus is on the results of obedience, not on obedience itself. If the sub  completes the task, that pleases / serves the dominant – and there’s a successful exchange. The  objective is to serve the dominant, not to follow orders.  

• Submissives are much more likely to exceed the dominant’s immediate demand, in an effort to  serve them even better. The better the sub gets in touch with the preferences of their unique  dominant, the better the level of their service becomes. 

While fear-based motivations are quick and don’t require a lot of communication to enact, they lack the  depth of adjustment that submission-based discipline provides. In the short term, and for a specific task,  fear-based may be more efficient, but ultimately, when the submissive is focused on the dominant’s  satisfaction, rather than on themselves (avoiding their own discomfort), there is less work for the  dominant – and the dominant is better served. This is because submissives are more apt to internalize  the dominant’s preferences, and adjust ALL aspects of their behavior in accordance, rather than only a  specific, penalizable action. 

Personally, I haven’t needed to resort to fear-based motivations. I’m glad, because I really don’t want to.  I have found that my submissives are quite capable of providing the self-discipline required to focus on  my satisfaction. We are in a partnership, working together to help them provide the best possible  service and to tune that service uniquely to me. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Dominance vs. Leadership

By 3 Comments

latex, kitten, bdsm play
via stock.adobe.com

 I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

There is a lot of discussion regarding the concept of “Leadership” in D/s circles. However, the terms “Leadership” and “Dominance” are often confused. In many cases, dominance and leadership are linked and, in some cases, used interchangeably. I see a definitive difference between the two characteristics and point out that, while it may be true that many dominants are leaders – and leaders are dominants, there many people who are one, but not the other. 

The basis for the differentiation comes directly from their definitions: 

Leadership (from Forbes magazine): is a process of social influence, which maximizes the efforts of others, towards the achievement of a goal. 

Dominance (from the Oxford Dictionary): Control; authority; rule; supreme influence. 

The key differentiators are Control and Authority. Notice that leadership stems from social influence, not authority or power. Leadership requires others, and that implies they don’t need to be serving the leader directly. In the case of a D/s relationship, the submissive commits to serve the dominant and gives the dominant the authority in the relationship. They are yielding control to the dominant, who is given the right of expectation to expect and demand fulfillment of their wishes. Leaders do not have right to such an expectation. 

I think it’s true that there are natural leaders who are also dominant. I tend to think I’m one of them. However, many of the subs I’ve met, including my husband, have been leaders outside of their relationship with me. Natural leaders in their fields, natural leaders on teams, natural leaders in their endeavors…but in their personal relationships, they exposed their (also natural) submissive side. We all know of the stereotype wherein a powerful executive chooses to be the slave of a dominant. While I’ve argued that this is more driven by a desire for regression, and that, in the majority of cases, the executives are actually LEADING the relationship through the use of their wallet and are really only bottoming for their own pleasure, I also know of many cases where people in leadership positions, choose to fully submit within their personal relationships as well. 

I also know dominants who are not particularly good leaders. Either through a lack of desire to lead, or through a lack of the skills necessary to influence without the need of authority. They may be awesome, loved dominants – but you wouldn’t want to follow them into battle! 

This leads me to conclude that we always need to consider an individual’s natural leadership potential within the context of a relationship type. As I have pointed out in my books and prior articles, there are many relationships types…not all romantic; not all deeply personal. I believe you can be naturally disposed within the context of one relationship type – and differently across other relationship types. 

Taking it up a level of abstraction, there are the relationship types surrounding groups of people and common goals (think CEO, Team Captain, Project Manager) – I know, and know of, many great leaders who lead with the intent to accomplish something – organizing others to achieve a common goal.

Then there is the context within relationship types between two people and the dynamics of their attraction – The leadership in this area presents far differently and can have many flavors of the types of dominance and submission discussed here. It seems to me that SOME people have both types of leadership – but it’s perfectly possible, and even prevalent, to have a dominant leadership style in one context and a submissive style in another. 

One place where leadership and dominance tend to be erroneously conflated, is in discussions of “FLRs” – “Female Led Relationships”. Very often, FLRs are used interchangeably with relationships where the female is dominant. I hope by now it’s clear that these really aren’t the same thing. The 1950’s, “MLR” equivalent, was the “typical” household represented by the “Dick Van Dyke” show. For those of you young-ins who never saw it, YouTube it: Great writing, good comedy, and loveable characters – but I digress. In this typical 1950s house, Robert Petrie ran his home and was clearly the “leader”, but there is no way he dominated Laura Petrie! In fact, it would not surprise me, in the least, to discover him suckling on the heel of her shoe behind closed doors (right behind a lot of submissive guys I’ve met, who loved her)! 

Even though it may be true that many dominant women also lead their households, it is not a given that every FLR is a D/s relationship. Every “follower” is not a submissive. There are different INTENTS (my favorite word) to following than there is to submitting. You might follow as a convenience, or as a means to avoid doing something you find unpleasant or difficult for you. Many dominants delegate decisions to their submissives – and follow their lead – in areas where the submissive is just better at the task than the dominant, or that the dominant just isn’t interested in leading. That doesn’t make them any less dominant. You can never tell intent by looking…you need to understand the individuals, the context, and the motivations. 

 Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Anticipatory Service: Is it Right for Your Dynamic?

By 2 Comments

sexy power exchange couple, submissive blindfolded
via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

People’s preferences differ. Dominants are no exception. One topic that generates lots of debates among dominants – and therefore, confusion among subs – is the area of Anticipatory Service. To some (myself included), having a submissive who is so in-tuned with my definition of dominance and submission, that they can consistently accurately act in accordance with my preferences, without needing to be told and without needing to ask for permission, is the pinnacle of good submission. To others, it’s a repulsive idea.

When I mention Anticipatory Service, I’m often met with, “Subs make terrible mind-readers!” I respond that the notion that anticipation requires reading someone’s mind is completely erroneous. Yes, anticipatory service requires that the sub be focused on the dominant quite a bit. They need to remember things, be observant, and present. It requires that the sub be attentive, empathetic, and a little intuitive. But they’re not expected to be a mind-readers. Rather, they’re expected to internalize their dominant’s preferences and apply them to their decisions.

There are dominants who prefer that the sub never take the initiative to act on their behalf and to never make their own decisions. They may allow the submissive to make suggestions, but never to act without instruction / permission to do so. They prefer the method of “Recall and Obey”: Only allow the sub to act on their own when it’s in response to a standing directive (e.g., Every Tuesday AM do this…Every time I do that, you do this).
For me, this plays on the difference between “Information” and “Instruction”. Information provides the “Why” of a request, whereas Instruction provides the “How”. If I inform the sub that I want something done and provide the basis for them to determine what “correct” is, they are given the responsibility of determining how to do it to my expectation.

If I provide instruction, they are to “obey” and follow those instructions. In my opinion, a sub following instructions will, at best, meet expectations – whereas a sub who is given information can exceed those expectations. For me, a sub who can exceed my expectations is a top-notch sub!

To clarify this distinction, I propose the following scenario:
Let’s say a dominant tells her sub, “From now, until I tell you otherwise, you are to bring me a glass of wine with a bowl of fruit each evening when I sit down to watch TV.”

The sub does so, each evening: Recall and obedience.
Tomorrow, the dominant has an appointment with the doctor and will be getting her blood taken to test for blood sugar levels. The sub knows this and knows that she cannot have the sugar from the fruit, nor from the alcohol, but it’s slipping the dominant’s mind – and she isn’t telling the sub to do anything different.

The sub has some choices:

1. Pure recall and obedience would edict that the sub does what he’s told to do, anyway – as he wasn’t told NOT to do it…so he would blindly obey. He brings the glass of wine and fruit, obediently.
2. Inquire, don’t act: The sub reminds the dominant of her blood test the next day and asks if he should bring the wine and cheese anyway. The dominant would then tell the submissive if she would have something else instead.
3. Anticipatory: The sub reminds the dominant of her blood test the next day and shows her that he prepared an alternate snack that doesn’t impact the blood work, and offers it as an option to her. If the alternative is not what she wants, she’ll send him off for something else, otherwise, she’s all set.

Given this example, some dominants are going to choose #2; not wanting the sub to act without permission. Frankly, I don’t see too many choosing #1, as that strikes me a bit more like fantasy play than reality. You all can likely guess that I’d prefer #3. I don’t mind allowing the sub to use their minds and not rely only on me.

If my sub were choosing the alternative snack for me, it wouldn’t be chosen out of the blue – nor would it be chosen because he miraculously “read my mind” – it would be chosen based on his best understanding of my preferences, the situation as it stands, (in this case) his knowledge of blood tests and the impacts of what I ate / drank prior to drawing the blood, and any other factors that might influence my preference (e.g, What I ate earlier in the day – if he knows that, if I will be working out later – if he knows that, what I’m having for dinner – if he knows that, etc.).

All of those “If he knows that”s are important to note. He’s not expected to know everything – he can’t read my mind. He’s expected to take whatever he knows and use it to make his best, educated, anticipation. Obviously, the more in-tuned he is with me; the more he is aware of my patterns and the way I prefer to handle situations, and the more observant he can be – the more educated and accurate his anticipation will be. This would give him the best chance of arriving at a solution that will please me.

And if he doesn’t get it right, that’s OK too. I don’t get mad at my sub if he anticipates incorrectly – as long as he was truly trying to the best of his ability and as long as he learns from his mistakes. If he gets something wrong (or not right), then it’s a learning experience that will influence and improve his anticipation skills in the future. We’re in this, together, for the long haul.

I assure you, that when a sub gets it right and comes up with something PERFECT that I, myself, might not have even thought of – exceeds my expectations – that’s heaven! Consider that, If he’s obedient, the best I can get is what I can think of. Whereas, if he gets good at anticipating, and is encouraged to do so, I can get surprised by things that may be even BETTER than what I would have thought of! Two minds can be better than one – as long as they’re focused on the same objective (my happiness)!

If you’re a submissive, be sure to take your lead from the unique dominant to whom you’re submitting. Don’t assume anticipatory service is better because Rika said it is for her. You are a student, who needs to learn your dominant’s preferences – particularly when it comes to the style of submission they would like. Also, submissives, don’t try to push your preferences onto your dominant. You might like to never be allowed to make a decision on your own, but your dominant may not like the pressure / burden that places on them. If your goal is to make your dominant pleased with your service as their submissive, focus on their preferences and adapt to deliver to the best of your ability.

If you’re a dominant, make sure you understand and communicate your preferences to your submissives. Usually dominants don’t need to be told that, but you might be surprised how often dominants either forget, or try to appease their submissives. Know what you prefer and assure your submissive understands it. Then expect it to be done the way you prefer!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Can someone learn to be kinky or are people born that way?

By 2 Comments

Much of what is written about this lifestyle concerns the underlying basis of Dominance and submission. Are they inherent or acquired characteristics? If they are acquired, how does one go about attaining them? Can anybody learn to be a Dominant or submissive or is it “in the genes?”

Most of my observations here are the result of interviews with lifestylers I personally know. Although I am not the Gallup Organization, I hope you will learn a little about your own Dominance or submission from my work. In this installment, I will concentrate on submission, with some additional observations on Dominance.

As to the big question, is submission a trait you are born with or one you acquire, I think it is a little of both. Most submissives I have questioned have stated that they identified a submissive need early on in their lives – long before they acted on it. Most did not recognize an overwhelming early need; I never heard, “Almost from birth, I knew my destiny was to be a slave.” That seems more like a quote from a BDSM romance novel. Although I am sure there are some who are “born slaves,” most subs and slaves (both male and female) seemed to have identified an “itch” and, sooner or later, decided to scratch it. Typical is the following quote from a 38 year-old female divorcee I know who now has a Master.

“Although I always had these submissive feelings…reading the “Marketplace Series” were a turn on to me…I read them behind my husband’s back…I also had feelings of guilt – that having these feelings, especially the need to be a sexual submissive and perhaps even bare pain, was somehow very immoral. In fact, I was even thinking of going to a shrink because I thought there was something wrong with me. Then, two things happened – really one thing that caused two things. I started spending time on the Internet and found that I was not alone. That made me feel a lot better. Misery loves company you might say! Also, the more time I spent on the Internet, the more my itch needed scratching. And, once I found an “online Dom,” – even though he turned out to be a total phony, a complete liar, married and not an experienced Dom as he claimed – I knew that I needed to be someone’s submissive. The Internet pulled this need out of me you might say. My marriage was on the rocks anyway; this experience gave me a new direction and told me that after the inevitable divorce, I would search for a Dominant. And, I did….”

This interview, although surely not representative of all subs, does point out some key facets of submission. It shows, in no uncertain terms, the way society treats submission as opposed to Dominance. (And the way society treats men as opposed to women, if you have been following the news lately.) Dominants, especially male ones, have their dominance encouraged by society. I cannot count the times, growing up, that I heard, “Be a man!” Contrast this to her quote about having feelings of guilt; nobody, pre-Internet, encouraged her to explore her submission. Thus, until the Internet, there was very little “nurture” floating around. That there still were subs back in the day argues for the fact that submission has a very strong “nature” component to it.

I believe that submission — like Dominance — is both nature and nurture. The major difference lies in the fact that society seems to look down on submission – both male and female – more than it does on Dominance. This widespread lack of “nurture” argues that submission must have a pretty strong “nature” component to be as strong as it is – both in the number of submissives and their willingness to explore these urges in the face of this resistance.

I might add that I am not sure how “society” looks at Dommes – although the Dommes I know don’t really care about how society views them; they are a pretty strong lot it appears. But there is more “Internet nurture” for Dommes than ever which, like the encouragement for subs, is a good thing.

In conclusion, it seems that neither nature nor nurture alone works; it is more a case of nature and nurture as opposed to nature or nurture. But the Internet has given many people the “nurture” they have lacked.

That said, we can all benefit by encouraging – or “nurturing” – our fellow lifestylers on their journey. After all, if we rely on society to encourage people to explore their kinky side, there won’t be many kinksters – at least publicly!

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Conscious Dominance

By 4 Comments

pay-inside-the-intimate-world-of-bondage-dominance-and-sado-masochism-in-walesbdsm-includes-bondage-d

Defining and Living your Personal Code of Mature, Noble, Authentic, Responsible Dominance

For me, being a Conscious Dominant means to be clear about, and aware of the values, principles and protocols I have chosen to live by. It means having my words and actions be in alignment with these values.  

Am I living what I preach?  

And there can be many further nuances, depths and layers to consider and incorporate into your own personal style.

Ultimately, being a Conscious Dominant should only be defined in your own personal terms. Each individual should discover, develop and follow their own path, not one anyone else tells them to.

It’s important to remember that becoming a Conscious Dominant is a journey, not a destination.

Defining, renewing, living, and deepening your practice as a Conscious Dom, and being open to looking at what stands in the way, is a continual lifetime effort.

Whatever your path, if your intention aspires to nobility, you will surely be challenged by every unconscious part of you that does not show up so nobly or consciously at times in your life. This will require deep, self-reflection- also known as a “a hard look in the mirror”.

As a Dominant, if my intention is to aspire to leadership, responsibility, integrity or accountability, I have to be aware of, own, and examine all aspects of the ways and times I may not be in integrity, accountable, responsible, and/or exhibit qualities of a leader.

I will need to learn to address the underlying reasons why I am falling short of my stated intention. What is causing me to get off-track? Is there a pattern here?

Archetypally, the noble or “good” King/Queen can be a helpful model for Conscious Dominance. This archetype generally symbolizes a leader who blesses, protects, inspires, is wise, generous, makes clear agreements, holds boundaries cleanly, is in integrity, accountable, just, responsible, and numerous other qualities.

Every archetype will have polar shadow aspects. Theses shadow aspects represents the negative archetype. They are generally the antithesis of the primary archetype. They occur as two polar opposites of the primary archetype.

The archetypal shadows of the King/Queen or Dominant archetype are the weakling on one end of the scale and tyrant on the other.

We have all heard of Dominants whose innate power and authority deflates when challenged. They become a doormat and yield ground that is theirs to hold. In the other shadow direction, when the King/Queen’s energy becomes inflated, they can become a bully and become more harsh and/or strict than the situation calls for. It’s part of a Dominant’s work to strive for balance, and be aware when they drift towards being too soft or too hard in any situation. The King/Queen’s potent energy rests ideally in the noble balance between them.

As a Dominant, are you aware of these unconscious shadows of the Kink/Queen that you may possess, and how and when they may get triggered?

How well and clearly do you set and hold the boundaries or protocols you establish?

How do you respond if your submissive or others challenge your authenticity, competence, authority, or safety as a Dominant?  

How readily can you own your mistakes and sincerely apologize if you have been out of integrity, unfair, or unjust?

How well do hold your own boundaries if you are being attacked or projected unfairly?

Here’s some further considerations.

Are you mindful and present in your body?  Can you be vulnerable? Do you tell the truth in all cases? Honor and keep agreements?

How deeply are you taking in the submission being offered? Do you allow yourself to really feel the power of the exchange deep in your being?

Would a submissive be proud, trust, feel safe with, cared for, listened to, and honored to serve you?

Can you listen deeply without the need to interrupt?

Have you cultivated skills regarding intimacy and non-sexual touch to connect deeply with your submissive physically and emotionally? If not, how come? If so, how?  Can you embrace your submissive in such a way that their body gratefully melts into your own?

Do you practice the art of blessing your submissive?

Can you honorably dance the edge between the noble dominant and cruel sadist?

Do you understand the sharp distinction between D/s and BDSM?

Consider these questions and add others that are meaningful to you. These can be used like touchstones to keep you connected to and deepen your intention.

Being a Conscious Dominant is a personal practice one can develop and continually aspire to. It is an ideal to continually journey towards, not a destination one will ever arrive at.

About Galen Fous MTP 

Kink-Positive Therapist, Author, Educator & Sex Researcher

Galen regularly speaks at universities, grad schools and conferences about sexuality and Kink. He offers AASECT and APA approved CE classes for therapists on various accredited online educational platforms.  His research focuses on understanding the unconscious psychological dynamics of Kink, Fetish and D/s-BDSM sexuality. Galen Has a Masters in Transpersonal Psychology from ITP.

He works with clients within a Transpersonal psychology framework that helps individuals and couples get honest, shame-free and confident in expressing their authentic sexuality. Galen helps clients shift from compulsive, dishonest, risky sexual behaviors to negotiated, consensual authentic sexual practices.  This framework includes resolving the embedded fear, shame and judgments entangling one’s desire.

An important component of his research into the nature of Fetishsexual and Kink desire is the development of the Discover Your Personal Erotic Myth Survey.   ( http://galenfous.com/pem ) This ground-breaking and ongoing research survey with over 4000 participants so far, is the first study that begins to document the mythic archetypal aspects of Fetishsexuality by mapping of the sexual unconscious.

Galen’s latest book, “Decoding Your Kink – Guide to Explore, Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires” has been praised by sexual psychologists and educators as “Visionary …Masterful …Groundbreaking …Cutting Edge…Worth its Weight in Diamonds … Highly Recommended…A Must Read!”  He is also the author of “The Sharp Edge of Love – Extreme Sex, Mythic Passion, Primal Intensity.  Learn more at http://galenfous.com

In 2000, he introduced the world renowned Tetruss Shibari Suspension-Bondage Rig, Portable Dungeon, and Sex Swing, the world’s most versatile adult toy. (http://Tetruss.com)

Are We All Switches?

By 5 Comments

light-switch-in-front-of-green-background-91448627-57fe9fe35f9b5805c271843cWith DomCon Los Angeles (domconla.com) coming to the L.A. Hilton on the 9th of May, attendees will see an array of both Dom/me and subs – from 24/7 to weekend players. Thus it might be interesting to examine Dominance and submission from a completely different angle. Remember, this is my opinion and my opinion only!

I think that, in our modern society, it is nearly impossible for anyone to be Dominant 24/7. For example, many Dom/mes work for corporations and thus – unless they own the firm – have a boss. Even the “bosses” will be submissive from time to time in real life. When Dominants, no matter how Toppy, are told at the DMV, “Go to this line,” chances are they will comply. Get a call from the IRS, they will jump like a submissive hit with a single tail. Get stopped by a cop for a ticket, who becomes submissive? Thus, most Dom/mes, whether they admit it or not, have “submissive events” in their lives.

Similarly, with the exception of the atypical live-in slave who doesn’t work and rarely interfaces with the outside world, most submissives have Dominant moments in the real world. Obviously, those subs working basically Dominant jobs (a very common situation) have a lot of Dominant action in their professional lives. But even those who are not dominant in their jobs probably have Dom/me events in real life. Submissives with kids – male or female – must be Dominant with respect to their children. Even those without children will encounter the need to be Dominant sooner or later – if only to boss some underling around. Such is life in the real world.

But once you concede that we all perform acts of both Dominance and submission — and that both mindsets are mixed within us – then the act of being a Dom/me or submissive is usually less question of “pick one” than a matter of degree.

If correct, this personal opinion of mine is really good news for us Dom/mes and for submissives too. Many Dom/mes sometimes second-guess themselves when they – consciously or unconsciously – fall into “sub mode.” For example, I have a live-in, 24/7 slave. Yet there are lots of times I will ask my slave, “What movie would you like to see?” Or, “What restaurant do you want to go to?” At first, I used to agonize over it, asking myself, “Am I being the submissive here?” I am sure there are many Dom/mes who have questioned their behavior regarding similar lapses in protocol.

But if you view Dominance – or submission – as a continuum with elements of both within it – it is very liberating. It allows you to “switch” from time to time without thinking that you might be changing the basic D/s hierarchy within the relationship.

Understanding that we have both Dominant and submissive characteristics within each of us also liberates us when we have “opposite-to-type” fantasies. I admit getting hot when I see pictures of the classic Dominatrix in high-heeled fetish gear. So don’t feel guilty if you are a Dom/me and get excited when you see a Latex Leatherette!

The article asks, “Are we are all switches?” The answer is no…and yes. No, in that most of us have a pre-eminent role that defines us. (Unless one is a true switch.) But yes, in that we all practice activities that are opposite to our Dom/me or sub type — even if only in small doses.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

What is Dominance?

By 3 Comments

Much of what is written about D/s and BDSM concerns, duh, Dominance and submission. But what exactly are they? Are they inborn or acquired characteristics? If they are obtainable, how does one go about acquiring them? I think a good analysis of our kinky needs – after all, this is kink weekly — is always good for the soul! Once in a while, we should all look inward and deeply examine what we call Dominance. Spirituality aside, examining the essence of Dominance also addresses a dilemma I have found quite common in the scene. This is where a vanilla spouse discovers he/she is Dominant and wants to train their mate to be a submissive. Finding out whether Dominance is “nature or nurture” is essential to answering this question.

As I see it, Dominance is the mental and spiritual foundation upon which becoming a Dominant is based. “Dominance is the stuff that Dom/mes are made of.” So, what is it and do you obtain it?

The best way to figure out if you have Dominance within you it to see what really excites you. Are you turned on by the thought of being in control of another person, including, but not limited to, sexual control? If the answer is yes, than you have elements of Dominance within you. There is an expression in pro basketball which says, “You can’t teach height.” But BDSM is not basketball; Dominance can be taught. But it is most easily learned by those who are excited enough about it to wish to learn it. To cut to the chase, I do not think it is genetic. But, by the time you are an adult, the forces of your upbringing have probably shaped your proclivities pretty firmly. It is less about learning to be a Dom/me than learning what you are inside – Dominant, sub, switch – and acting on that knowledge. Once you do a little self examination, you can act on your desires. And becoming a Dominant has little to do with size, strength or looks. It is a learned skill – both technically and in terms of human interactions.

There are two aspects of learning Dominance. One is technical — knowing how to Top in a scene. As this is a mostly methodological endeavor you can learn this by reading (much of the techniques are covered on this site), by observing (going to play parties and watching others scene) and by asking questions of more experienced Tops. Since neither size, athletic ability nor strength are required, desire is the most important element in learning to Top. If you want it badly enough, you will learn it. And here in lies the beauty of BDSM. As desire and enthusiasm are requisite to learn to Top, those who excel are only those who really want to. Anybody can theoretically do it; but only those who have the desire and need to actually do.

The second aspect is becoming a “lifestyle” Dominant. This might not mean 24/7 D/s, but it does mean that much of the basis of your relationship outside the dungeon or play parties is based upon being in control. Now here is the trick. You can’t be a lifestyle Dominant without dedication. You must really need to be a Dominant. Otherwise, “Castles made of sand, fall into the sea…” And you will find the responsibility of ownership crushing. That is the simple key to becoming a lifestyle Dom/me – as opposed to a “Dungeon Dominant.” Here is where commitment, needs and desires become the determining factors.

As with all life endeavors, both nature and nurture will dictate where your needs lie. Just take an honest look inside yourself and you will discover where your Dominance lies. Whether nature or nurture, the need to be Dominant is usually a desire that needs to be fulfilled. The trick would be to find out whether your partner has a submissive aspect that can be brought out. I will address this in a subsequent article.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

“Coca-Cola Dominance”

By 7 Comments

schoolgirl-cropped

Definition: “Coca-Cola Dominance.” In a D/s relationship, when a Dominant asks only for behavior that the submissive would do anyway.

I had touched on the “Coca-Cola Dominance” question in a previous kinkweekly.com article, “Does being in love diminish a Dom/me’s power?” In theory, love does make the Dom/me less likely to release the sub and thus diminishes the Master/Mistress’s greatest threat. Thus, less power. But a monarch does not have to rule by intimidation. And the power drain of saying “I love you” can be made up in other ways — the sub’s love for her Dom/me might make her/ him a better slave. Surely, a “Coca-Cola” Dom/me and submissive might have a relationship with 100% obedience – then again I get 100% compliance at any McDonalds. Dominance and submission, in my opinion, should have some degree of difficulty or it is not D/s.

Anyone can be a slave if Master only asks things that the slave could do easily — like drinking Coke and not Pepsi. In the world of BDSM relationships, even when things are going swimmingly, a Master/Mistress must ask for things that stretch the sub’s “expectation range.” The Master/Mistress must ask for things outside this range if only to reinforce Dominance. A personal example: my newly collared slave wanted to order clam chowder at a restaurant. I simply said “No.” For no other reason than to say “No.” I really could care less if she had clam chowder. But she wanted it and I thought it was a good place to show her that she eats what I want her to eat. She made no mention of it; she just ate her salad. She accepted it with not a second thought. She respected our contract, which included ordering food, and behaved accordingly. She passed my test, albeit an easy one.

Clam chowder aside, a Dom/me may need to periodically, and deliberately, require a slave to do things they don’t like. Call it pushing soft limits or a test, the purpose in doing so is to remind the slave that he/she must submit to her Dom/me, even when it’s difficult to do so. Neither Dominance nor submission should be taken for granted. Besides, pushing limits is fun – and let’s not forget we are all in this for fun!

All of this dovetails into the broader – and very important — question of how to keep a long term Master/slave relationship alive. It’s not good for Master/Mistress or slave to allow D/s to lapse or get lazy – most notably by allowing “Coca-Cola D/s” to become the day-to-day hierarchy. Dominance and submission is very difficult to maintain if it isn’t actively practiced.

I think to be able to serve or be served without fear for the relationship should be the aim of any long-term D/s relationship. That’s not so easy to achieve. And going “Coca-Cola” doesn’t seem to me to be a viable solution. It might work for a scene at a play party or a short term relationship, but – even in a vanilla relationship – there must be demands placed on both parties. In our ever evolving lifestyle (which we will be discussing at DomConLA’s “Old Guard vs. New Guard” panel presentation May 20th) there are still some bedrock principles that should be respected. First among them is that “Coca-Cola Dominance” is not dominance “Coca-Cola submission” is not submission!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.