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Erotica: The Negotiation

He finished his beer and suggested they leave the bar. It was crisp out but not cold. Sally-sub starts to mark her territory. As they walked, their footsteps echoed off the cobblestones. Sally stepped in front of her Mistress, knitted her fingers through the long black locks, and kissed her full on the mouth. The explanation of pleasure was audible as the Domme returned her Subs kiss. He watched the two women become lost in their passion; his cock strained against the button fly of his denims. He quietly walked over, removed the Subs fingers, and growled, “not tonight.”
He clamped Sally’s upper arm, forcing the women apart. While Sally fell into line at his side, her Domme was taken aback, and her feet cemented to the ground so mutated, he was caught off gu when he stepped forward.
“Who the fuck! Do you think you are to pull my slut off of me? I can handle her just fine. I do not need you getting up in my business -asshole.” she spat the words. He didn’t miss a beat. He simply maneuvered her with his strength and growled while holding eye contact. He held her gaze and arm until she broke by, turning away as she blinked. Her body language said it all. Her head was facing down, and she looked up through her hair moving forward. If she wanted him to play, she had to submit, now. He wasn’t going to be topped from the bottom. He released her arm, and she walked next to him completely under her power. The terms had been agreed for tonight she would be his sub, she would be his slut; she would find pleasure in the release of obedience. They walked, the conversation moved from how nice and well-kept the area was to what the ice cream shop was doing for a fall promotion. Once they were all conversing freely, in began to lay out his expectations. “Either both of you agree, or we don’t do this. I understand the dynamic of your relationship. When we get to your place, I will grab a shower and give you two a chance to run over what you want together. I expect you to have all the toys and impact implements laid out on the coffee or kitchen table. Make sure you each drink a large glass of water and eat something.” His tone was bright and casual. “From our previous conversation, I know no foot play, but bound in restraints by the ankles is ok. No metal music because it can trigger.”
Sally was dragging her feet and visibly bothered by what he was saying. He walked to a bench along their route and sat at the far end. He gestured for the two women to join him. Sally sat on the other end so that Mistress was in the middle. Mistress raised a finger as he began to speak. He chose to let her take over.
“Sally, you are a very naughty sub tonight. I let the kids go because we have been drinking, and I know you are jealous, but anymore defiance and I will put you in the cage, restrained so you will watch every lick of his tongue, the slap of his hand and bulge of his cock. Do we have a problem?”
No Mistress, Sally bent over and placed her head in her Mistress’s lap. Mistress stroked Sally’s hair.
“Right!” he said, so that is your wish list for tonight. I’d like a few more details of what you’d like.”
Mistress explained that she wanted the release of surrender. She wanted to see her sub used well, but no penetration. Sally could and should be used for oral. She had become a bit too possessive lately and needed to be reminded of how she could be used if Mistress felt it was warranted. They would not require any prep time.
“Lay it out for me. What is your fantasy or version of a night with us three?” He motioned between them, and his hand halted on her thigh. His thumb stroked sub’s hair as he held Domme’s gaze.
“We go back to our place. “She dipped her head towards Sally. “Sally will lay out the session toys. I will direct her. Her task is to watch you seduce and pleasure me in a way she can’t. She has been a bit too possessive lately. A lesson is to be taught. You- are a tool in my arsenal. She is yours to use before you and I. I will direct her as to her task and expectations. You and I will shower. I want to be seduced, smothered and brought to just feeling, not thinking. Lemon and pepper for caution and stop.”
Sally’s face soured as he listened. She was familiar with protecting her witch. Her disdain for him was palpable.
He smiled, nodded, stood, and waited for Mistress to lead the way. They strolled and made small talk. Sally sped up to open the apartment and prepare for the session. Mistress and Domme moved silently, but she matched his stride.
Privacy blinds kept the apartment completely shut away from the world but bright. An open room with a high breakfast bar separating the kitchen, a solid dining table, an oversized grey sofa, and a king-size bed was connected by intricately patterned rugs, a few big pillows and large potted plants. Over-sized canvases lined the walls—a subtle way to dampen noise. To the BDSM practiced eye, it was easy to see that removing a few items in this place was the perfect dungeon. There were places to watch and play. A bunch of scenes scenarios ran through his head when he saw how solid the dining table was.
Sally stood at the end of the breakfast bar. She was naked except for a pair of red patented heels holding a towel, head bowed. Her pubic hair was a trimmed treasure trail of deep brown curls. Both nipples were pierced and bejewelled with a bell on each loop. The shy ting of the bells drew attention to her heavy breathing. She was working hard to calm herself. He was amused but said nothing. Mistress motioned for him to go with Sally. As he went to take the towel, she turned and walked towards the bathroom. He smiled as he watched her hips sway. Sally walked into the bathroom, expecting him to follow. He connected eyes with Domme.
“She’ll undress you and prepare the shower. I’ll join you in a few minutes. Enjoy her while I take care of a few things. Extra-large, I assume,” she said as she eyed his crotch.
“Yeah, but I have.”
“I have an allergy. I hope you don’t mind?”
He put his hands up. “It’s all good,” he continued to follow Sally to the bathroom.
He was enjoying this in-between world. The bathroom had a walk-in shower, a pedestal sink, and a toilet with a high flush box. A set of hoops and hooks above the toilet titillate the sadist side of him. Bathroom humiliation wasn’t his thing, but maybe this was the time to give it another try. Sally was unbuttoning his shirt, and he slid his hand between her legs. He didn’t make eye contact as he opened her lips and drew her closer as he found her core and slid in a finger. She was wet and holding her breath. He didn’t move. He had her close by her sex, offering no stimulation. Her cunt was a tool to humiliate her. Sally’s sex betrayed her. She worked to continue her task despite her body’s response to his touch.
When she had undone his buttons, she placed her hand on her head and waited for the following command. He maneuvered his hand and turned so she could remove his shirt. He had a chest of black chest hair. Groomed but very sexy. At the waistband, the hair stopped. He manscaped and smelled like pine and lime. His body heat released a clean, warm scent. When she removed his worn brown belt, he put out his hand for it. Sally continued to hold the belt unmoving. Her lower lip jutted out, and her eyes grew big as he motioned for the belt. Again, she did not move.
“Are you afraid of my belt? He asked, suppressing a grin in response to her fear. “I like my subs to hold my belt in their mouth. The anticipation of what comes when I take it makes them all the sweeter. Is your cunt twitching and thumping? Your sweet ass delights me. I’ll pink it up with my hand. Hold on to the sink and count for me.”
He placed the belt between her teeth. He was creating the impossible task of holding the belt and counting. As he caressed and teased her ass, he wrapped himself around her pressing her hands into the edge of the sink. She maneuvered as though to prevent his body from touching her. Her resistance made him smile, but he said nothing. Music floated into from the other room—Latin jazz rhythms with solid bass. Mistresses had changed into s set of clicky shoes. Spikey heels moved in rhythm to the music. She popped her head in, and her body followed. The sight of her sub was too delightful not to witness. Her ample breast and soft stomach were encased in a black lace body stocking with glimmering silver strands in spider web patterns, and shoes like Sally’s accentuated every curve. The bodysuit was overlapped sections that could expose breasts, pussy, and ass for easy access to the observant person.
Mistress skipped to her sub and positioned herself next to the mirror to hold her subs gaze.
“I think ten aside to start. Count nice and loud. If I can’t hear the number, I will repeat it until I can listen to it. Let’s please Mistress and show her how good a sub you are.
“yes, shur,” Sally said, swallowing the lump in her throat.
Mistress giggled and stroked her subs hair after she wiped the tears of humiliation from Sally’s eyes. He rubbed and squeezed Sally’s ass until he felt her lean into him. He wet his finger on her sex and fed it to Mistress. Her tongue licked and sucked Sally’s juices. Her nipples responded and became hard. He stepped in and kissed her, profoundly massaging her tongue with his- sucking and tasting Sally. Sally held her position and watched this bear of a man enveloped her Mistress. His left hand rested on Sally’s neck as his right held Mistress by the throat, and they continued to kiss until a moan of pleasure escaped Mistress’s throat. He backed off and returned his attention to Sally.
Without warning, a playful slap rang out. Sally yelped in surprise.
Another quickly followed, “What was that?
Un, two,” she spoke through the leather.
“Excellent, you-slutty sub, keep counting.”
Three and four were a little harder. Sally held the sink a little tighter and bit down on the belt, and she counted. Five through eight were harder again. Mistress wiped the tears and kissed Sally’s eye. Such a good girl, she purred. Sally was flushed and shaking a little. As he delivered nine and ten, Mistress tweaked and pinched Sally’s nipples. The attention intensified Sally’s arousal. As Sally called 11, 12, and 13, Mistress wet her finger and found Sally’s clit. Mistress flicked at lightning speed; Sally’s knees flexed as she pressed into Mistress’s hand. Every smack brought her closer to orgasm. He watched the women. They were in the moment. He eased back so they could ride this connection. He continued to massage and caress but saw no need to go harder. He watched Mistress for a cue.
Sally was edging and working to stay in control. All this stimulation was too much – a cry of ecstasy ejected the belt from her mouth. The ring of the metal buckle on the porcelain rang out, and Mistress removed her hand.
“No, please don’t stop” Instantly, she regretted her words. She hung her head and waited. She was ashamed. She had let Mistress down. She let go of the sink and stood between the two dominants.
Is Age Merely A Number?

Finally, a question and answer that will NOT mention the C-Word. (Covid.) Oops, I slipped. Well, just once is pretty good!So, here it is (got there pretty quick, eh?)
Reader: My new sub is quite a bit younger than I am… by 25 years, in fact. We met online and immediately hit it off, and have moved into a RL relationship with flying colors so far. But I’m concerned about how our age difference might impact our relationship, mutual friendships and our play life. Any advice?
You sure picked the right Dom to ask this question to. My last collared, live-in slave was more – believe it or not – than thirty years younger than me. (Dexx can vouch for that!) As I recently released her, after more than eleven years together, I guess that makes me an “expert” on Master/slave relationships with extreme age disparities. One thing I have learned — there are both pros and cons in this situation. So, first let’s first examine the pros!One big advantage of age is experience.
Since you are more knowledgeable, BDSM-wise, than your submissive, you have already put a positive spin on your relationship. Even with just a few years head start, you will be able to dazzle your submissive with techniques that are only mastered over time. In fact, he/she might have chosen you because of your BDSM skills. I know many D/s couples where the age difference is cast in an exclusively positive light. “He is so much more experienced than I am.” “I learn so much about BDSM from my Master.” “I would never trust a Dom without him having many more years in the lifestyle than me.” These are the types of quotes I have heard, time and time again.
Believe me, your situation might raise eyebrows in the vanilla world. (“Is she your daughter?”) Here in our community, I have seen even greater age differences than mine and hardly an eyebrow (with a piercing!) was raised!Another reason this situation can work out so well in our lifestyle is that the older Dom/me likely has a large play and toy selection to keep his submissive happy! One reason so many vanilla May/December marriages die (or where the younger wife cheats!) is that the older man just simply can’t keep up with his younger wife – or compete with a younger man to satisfy her. Sadly, this is an unavoidable circumstance in the “sex-only–based” vanilla world. But, in our BDSM world, you have all sorts of play options that can keep your submissive flying, even if you can’t keep it up like a twenty year old.
For example, a long flogging session will excite a submissive more than any vanilla foreplay can. And, you can even put the submissive into sub-space – without any sex at all. Add sex into the mix, wow! No wonder the myth of submissives having a secret “Dom/me on the side” is less myth than fact. The appeal of a skilled Dominant to a submissive can never be underestimated. Since your younger partner is your sub, I see no reason why you cannot use your expertise to keep her enthralled for years. And, if you add a little Cialis, with the four-hour erection, into a long BDSM play session, your partner won’t be wanting for anything. Better living through floggers and chemistry!
However, there is one aspect to an age difference that can make it a more serious problem than many other issues — it is, by definition, irreversible. No Master or Mistress, no matter how skilled, can change that fact. Thus, to say age is never a factor would be wrong. In my case, my slave wanted kids; I did not. The fact that she wanted to have children while still in her early/mid thirties was not something that could be changed by order of the Master.
The biological clock is the biological clock. One must respect that. Another problem is the inevitable intrusion of the vanilla world into your realm. You have to be able to ignore the slings and arrows of disapproving peers. That it is often borne of jealousy does not make this scorn any less hurtful. I would basically ignore anything negative, especially from strangers. The fact that my relationship lasted almost twelve years is proof that it can be done.
Remember, if you use the positive aspects of your age and experience to your advantage, you will be fine. Judging by the number of May/December D/s couples I see, age will be the least of your worries!
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.
Erotica: The Center Of The Circus

I am a quiet and well-behaved slave. This is especially true in public. I do not speak beyond what is required of me as a hostess or unless directly addressed. I stay as close to Master’s side as possible while still fulfilling the tasks he has set forth when we have guests. I work to negotiate for Master when newer individuals get on the table, clean up between bottoms (and after the festivities), and I make sure Master is fed and hydrated. I monitor the unattached bottoms who visit, and I have my own gaggle of littles that I babysit.
While I am often busy keeping everything running smoothly, Master is often busy introducing individuals to electroplay.
To say we rarely get play time at a public event is an understatement. And when we do, it is reserved for the end of the night. Considering how much Sadomasochism is in our play, there are two factors we must consider.
Factor number one is Master’s energy level. He plays with twenty to thirty people prior to me. While more than half of the scenes are under 15 minutes, the up and down of the endorphins and adrenaline wears Him down considerably.
Factor number two is how many people, at the party, are new. It seems like an odd thing to factor into our play, doesn’t it? Theoretically, the only people who matter in a scene are the participants. But, in the real world, that is not the case.
We play rough. We play heavy. I have yet to safeword. And it scares people.
So, if we do scene, it is always at the end of the night, when most of the new people have left.
We play late to protect ourselves.
But, when we do, we become the center of our own circus.
Master thrives on the crowd. It is as though he absorbs the energy put out by them and channels it into his implements. I am sure I have seen his eyes glow from that same energy.
So, sit back, boys and girls, and let me tell you the story of a Sadistic Ringmaster.
I have been watching you for hours Sir. Over and over, men and women willingly put themselves on your table and cross. I watch your eyes light up with pleasure and the sinister smile slowly take over. Your creativity is beyond bounds. I have yet to see the same scene twice, even with tastings.
I never know quite what to expect. We have never played in public before Sir and my nerves are getting the best of me. You’ve told me that it was my choice to play or not. I know you want me up there, but I also know you will stand by your word.
It has taken most of the night, but I am ready to do this.
I can hear the shouts of the one in front of me. He is a masochist that I have seen you play with him before. He likes it hard and fast. I can tell, even from here, that he will have welts for a couple of days. I find it amusing when he climbs the cross. For being cuffed, he is quite flexible.
I wait until you have stepped away and the cross is empty. I see you cleaning everything you used. My stomach is in my throat, and I am struggling to find my voice.
I silently move to cross, standing slightly behind you to your left. I wait patiently for you to acknowledge me. It takes a few minutes. I wonder briefly if you have left me waiting on purpose, just to fuck with me.
“Hello, sweetie.”
“Hi Sir.”
“Is everything alright?” You turn to face me completely. Your hand rests on my shoulder and you give it a soft squeeze.
“Yes, Sir.” Deep Breath. “Will you flog me on the cross?” My insides are shaking. Why is it so hard to do this in public?
You raise an eyebrow. Without hesitation, you tell me to step up to the cross. I stand there for a minute, waiting. I see you grab the first toy and I get a very wicked idea.
“Are you ready?” You ask.
“Don’t you want to tie me up Sir?”
I see you smile. The game has begun.
My shoulders are tense. This is very new to me. Here I am, cuffed to the cross, in just my panties, waiting for what will happen next.
This is the easy part. I know better than to look. I won’t know the implement until you use it. How many do you think I can guess right?
Your body presses against my back. Your hand curves around my neck, but no pressure is applied. “Are you ready?”
Deep, shuddering breath. “Yes, Sir.”
“Safe word?”
“Red for stop. Yellow for check-in.”
“Good girl.”
With that, you step back. My body shivers in anticipation.
The first strike of the flogger hurts. I must force my shoulders to relax. I know that the more tense I am, the more I could hurt myself.
My eyes close as you find your rhythm. There is a steady heat building under my skin. This isn’t so bad. If I keep my eyes closed, I can forget everyone else is there. I feel you pause every so often. Sometimes your hands touch my skin and sometimes you switch the implements. The floggers are steadily getting stingier.
The room has fallen silent. Or, at least, I cannot hear them anymore. There is only white noise in my ears now. My head feels like it is swimming. My eyelids are heavy. My mouth feels glued shut. Even at the increasing pain, I have no drive to stop you.
Then there is a long pause.
I rest my forehead to the cool wood of the cross. I steady my breathing and wait. I can hear the murmurs of the people again, but I find I care far less now than I did at the start.
I don’t know how long you left me waiting. Even with my eyes closed, I can feel your presence.
Then, you shocked me.
Without any warning, I felt a firm whack to my ass. It’s the paddle.
Fuck. I hate those.
My eyes pop open, and my hands wrap around the chains holding me in place. “Fuuhhck.”
I hear you laugh. It’s a dark and rich sound that cuts through the static.
Two.
Three.
Then you change it up again.
It’s always in threes.
I have lost count of the number of implements. This is far from the flogging I initially asked for. Then again, you have blanket consent to do as you please with this body. And you never cease to surprise me.
Somewhere in between the paddles, you check in with me. I know you expect me to be honest. My body feels warm and on fire. I feel invincible.
You ask me how I am doing.
I turn my head until our eyes meet. My answer shocks you. “Is that all you’ve got, Magick?” There is no Sir or Master. I am challenging your reputation.
Bring.
It.
On.
Master.
The gasp of the crowd cuts through the static. I hear a lone voice warning me not to say that. But it isn’t you.
Our eyes stay locked for several moments. You smile wide. I think I have provoked the Dragon.
Well, there is no turning back now.
I break the eye contact, turning back to the cross, dropping my head, and baring my neck.
What have I done?
The room is silent. I can feel the eyes of everyone on us. I think I have shocked them Sir.
Without warning, I feel something thin and stingy hit my ass. Ow. We just went from a 3 or 4 to a 7 on the pain scale. I breathe deep. This is what I asked for.
My eyes stay closed, and I scrunch up my face as I breathe through the pain. This is what I was looking for Sir. I wanted to see your Sadistic side. I wanted to trigger the same intensity you give the other masochists. I wanted you to use me without fear.
The strikes no longer come in threes, nor do they have the same rhythm. I can tell you are still in control, but you want me to feel each strike. Without a steady pattern, I cannot zone out. I cannot sink into the sweet oblivion of sub space.
And you know it.
I lose track of time so easily under your touch. I don’t know how long we have been at this. My legs are starting to feel weak. My ass feels as though it is on fire. The only thing holding me up at this point is the tight grip I have on the chains.
I am not ready for this to end. I refuse to give after I issued a challenge.
I finally hear your voice, soft and gruff in my ear. “How are you holding up?”
“Good, Sir.”
Your hand rests on the back of my neck. It feels hot.
You step away and I mewl at the loss.
One.
That one takes my breath away. It was solid enough that I felt my body would go through the wall with the force.
Two.
Jesus Christ that hurt. Whatever that was has me nearly biting through my tongue.
Three. I have finally climbed the cross. This is the devil. I cannot feel the back of my thighs anymore. What on Earth did you use, Sir?
My body sags. I grit my teeth and lean against the wood. I am near my breaking point. But I do not want to stop Sir. I want you to know I can take anything you are willing to give. I cannot stop this. I won’t.
I feel you against my back again. Your body is solid as you pull me against you. My head drops back onto your shoulder. Your hands wrap around my torso and climb up to my nipples. Your fingers tweak them, tugging and pulling. All I can do is gasp. There is so much pain on my backside and the combination of pain and pleasure from my nipples is going to drop me right here. You tug them upward and bring me to my tip toes.
“You look so pretty when you climb the cross.”
I let out a soft gwaff. I don’t even have the energy to laugh right now.
You let go of my nipples and your arms holds my waist to keep me upright. “How are you pet?”
“I…I” Deep breath. “I…am good Sir.” I exhale loudly. “May I have some water before we continue?”
“Let’s get you down pet and then I will get you some water.”
“No, Sir. Please. We can continue.”
“Shh. You have done well pet.” I hear you ask someone to help undo the restraints.
Once my arms are free, they drop heavily to my side. I turn around in your embrace and rest my head on your chest. I feel very floaty Sir, almost drunk.
And very sore.
All I can think is Thank you, Master. That was one hell of a ride.
That was the first of many public play sessions. When he finished checking on me, I can proudly tell you that I not only walked away from the cross on my own two feet, I went back to hosting duties after. I was on a high for several days. It also brought about one of the longest (and lowest) sub drops I had ever experienced.
I asked what those last three toys were. The thick one that thudded (and felt like I would go through the floor) was a length of a fire hose. For future reference, it has physically knocked me off a spanking bench and has quite the power behind it.
The second toy (the sting that made me curse very loudly) was a length of weather stripping. It is very, very painful. It leaves wonderful marks.
The last (which made me climb the cross) is a serpentine belt. It is my favorite toy (and has been since that day). I learned during that session that the belt corners should be sanded down. We ended up drawing blood on my thigh and it left a mark for nearly three months. We honestly thought it would scar.
Please understand that our dynamic is a Total Power Exchange with blanket consent. While I asked for a flogging for this scene, he decided to push my limits. I wouldn’t change anything about this scene.
That includes challenging him.
No one else has the balls to do that. No one will go head-to-head with Master. That’s what makes me special. That is why I have the honor of wearing his collar. He says I keep surprising him.
As I said at the beginning, I am generally a quiet and well-behaved slave. But, when the lights come up and the Circus tents open, I get to challenge the Ringmaster at his own game.
And it keeps everyone coming back for more.
My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.
Why Humiliation Is Exciting To Many

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!
I’ve participated in a lot of discussions regarding the use of humiliation and degradation within power dynamics. Many consider the fact that many submissives enjoy being humiliated or degraded as being a paradox. I don’t see it as a paradox, I see it as a very rational, and expected, reaction. Here’s why:
I tend to think most people who enjoy humiliation, don’t enjoy humiliation itself, but LOVE being humiliated. In other words, it’s the fact that someone else is deliberately humiliating them that gets the chemicals flowing.
I’ve talked about it before – I believe that there is a process of rationalization whenever we willingly and voluntarily accept something from a partner that isn’t what we normally would desire. We must justify, to ourselves, why would allow this to happen to us. This is true when a sub is punished, or “tortured” (non-abusive), or required to do chores, follow protocols, or any number of other things. The fact that power dynamics are consensual, leaves out abusive / truly-forced reasons – leaving only the rationale that the dominant has the authority to inflict this upon the submissive – and, upon accepting that authority, leaving the submissive feeling “helpless” to resist.
So, voluntarily accepting something from a dominant that we normally would not accept, triggers a feeling of being under the dominant’s control and authority. That’s something subs want. That’s something that makes their submission feel more real. Subs don’t have to enjoy the activity – but they absolutely enjoy feeling the dominant’s authority.
This is behind my assertion that punishments always reward submissives…even if the punishment is something that they hate…and that people who think that you need to make the punishment severe enough for the sub to change their behavior to avoid it, are fooling themselves. The more the submissive dislikes the activity they feel compelled to allow, the more “real” the authority feels and the more titillating the experience. See my previous article entitled, “Punishment Is Always a Reward” in Kinkweekly, for a more in-depth discussion regarding punishments.
Humiliation is something most of us would try to avoid. It’s not a pleasant experience. But if a sub allows a dominant to humiliate them, they stimulate the feeling of submissiveness and powerlessness under the authority of the dominant. It promotes the dominant to a more powerful position in their mind, which is arousing and enjoyable.
There is a Yin to that Yang: Dominants are afforded the opposite end of that rationalization: They know that the submissive would normally avoid humiliating situations. However, they are not only allowing themselves to be humiliated, they’re do voluntarily within the context of their power dynamic. The rationalization that the dominant must have the authority to levy the punishment, supports the dominant’s feeling of control and power. Humiliation becomes a playful experience. How much can a dominant push a submissive? How far does that rationalized-authority extend?
In this light, it’s obvious why humiliation is desirable – and what the submissive and dominant may gain from it. It’s not a paradox at all. It makes complete sense!
Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com
5 Things a Love of BDSM Says about Your Relationship

BDSM is slowly gaining popularity, both among the young and old. But did you know that BDSM sex preferences speak volumes concerning your relationship? Check this out.
Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism, & Masochism.
Couples are getting kinkier in 2021 and exploring sex preferences that would be considered taboo back in the good old days. We’ve covered so much about BDSM in other articles, but it appears as though we need a little bit more social proof.
A lot of couples fear getting their hands on BDSM. Some even dread the thought of breaching such a topic with their lovers. That says a lot about the kind of communication you have with your partner. For a long time, scientists and researchers have viewed BDSM participants as pathological, perverts, or abused victims who lack control. But that could not be further from the truth. Research now shows plenty of benefits of BDSM sex preferences as well as an increase in the practices. Moreover, those who engage appear to have their lives ‘in order’ and are not ‘disturbed.’
If anything, more husbands are willing to lose control of their wives and submit to each other’s desires. Indeed, more people are developing a keen interest in BDSM sex preferences, especially after popularizing Fifty Shades of Grey.
But wait, there is more. After consulting sex therapists and relationship experts from the best online dating sites, we found plenty of benefits to the health of your budding relationship. Here are a couple of expert thoughts on what different sex preferences say about you and your lover.
Buckle up; it’s about to get real bumpy.
1. Kinky Sex Preferences Portray Higher Levels of EQ
You’ll need a competitive level of IQ to survive in the marketplace. However, you may need all the EQ you can amass to keep your relationship going. Higher levels of emotional intelligence put you in a better position to handle other people’s frustrations better. BDSM sex preferences in relationships denote a ton of maturity in handling your relations.
2. The Audacity to Explore
Marriage counselors often have to deal with this issue – “she is not attractive anymore,” or “he does not satisfy me as he used to.”
Familiarity has a way of breeding contempt even among the closest of lovers. Routine becomes boring since it brings familiarity. Some couples explore sex preferences based on zodiac signs, while others try something different each week. BDSM shows you’re bold enough to explore the bounds of your horizon. Remember the basic rules if you’re new to BDSM sex preferences.
3. Open Channels of Communication
BDSM is all about losing one’s self to another. It entails submission and domination, all of which are hard elements in day-to-day life. We always want to control everything, from our finances to our health, family, social lives, and everything. Losing control becomes a new feeling for a lot of couples. Communicating that and going the extra mile to set boundaries is even more challenging. But partners who have gone the extra mile often find it easier to resolve other difficulties in their relationships once they explore unconventional sex preferences.
4. You Don’t Give a Darn What Others Say
Your sex preferences speak volumes about how you relate with your spouse and how you connect with the outside world. More conservative people are less likely to explore untypical sex preferences for fear of society’s perception. But such worries are rational at times.
Sex in ancient times was used ritualistically in most religions. We can get hints of how the ancients prized and valued sex from written scripts such as Kamasutra. The Ancient Greek culture probably borrowed BDSM sex practices from the Eastern Mesopotamian Empire. Mesopotamians embraced BDSM and temple sex with goddess Inanna as their justification. They believed such techniques would invoke the goddess of fertility and rebirth. These sex preferences would be followed by sacrificial worship and indulgence in orgies.
In the 21st сentury, we still practice the same sex preferences more openly, but without the typical ritualistic sacrifices. From that short history, anything deviating from the vanilla couples type of sex has been viewed as ‘odd’ and, at times, a perversion.
Going outside the traditional view of sex preferences portrays boldness and a profound level of intimacy not defined by ‘others.’
That makes us curious, what are your sex preferences? Do let us know in the comment section below.
5. You are Fond of Creativity
Open-mindedness is a fundamental feature for most BDSM couples. Vanilla couples who explore BDSM sex preferences are generally creative. They invent new ways of doing things and get bored with repetition. BDSM can be pretty intimidating to a partner who is content with the usual. That’s why it’s imperative to understand just how much both of you are willing to do in the name of ‘creativity.’
Concluding Remarks
BDSM is more or less similar to saying, “I do!” This kind of consent requires deliberate premeditation about the risks and the intensity of BDSM. You may enjoy a little bit of pain, but that may be a turn-off to your partner. Have genuine communications upfront and research the limits of these sex preferences. We recommend that couples develop a sex preferences questionnaire to understand each other’s fantasies better.
That said, are you ready to experiment outside reality with BDSM sexual preferences?
Davis is a marriage and family therapist. She has worked in a variety of therapeutic settings over the past 7 years providing services to children, adults, families, and couples. She is currently doing specific research on the topic. Miranda loves traveling and hiking.
BDSM Safety Tips

Ordinarily, I would throw this question into the cylindrical file from whence it came. It – or some version thereof – had been answered many times before on kinkweekly. But with the year off due to Covid, and generally less play spaces to keep you at the top of your game, I thought it prudent to take another stab at a safety question. After all, in this new reality, you can never been too careful. I might add, from personal experience, that when I returned to play I forgot aftercare – something would never have done pre-pandemic. And so, the following question.
Reader: Recently, my online kink group has been discussing what to do if something goes wrong or a pre-condition manifests itself during a scene. This kind of safety concern is beyond the usual. So how can you prepare for every eventuality? (My adding: especially in this corona virus era.)
To start, a disclaimer: “It is impossible to prepare for every eventuality.” If I could do this, I would be working for the President eliminating Covid immediately. But seriously…regarding medical pre-conditions — there isn’t a list specifically geared to BDSM that you could read and sign before you entered a play space. Even if there were, who would want to feel like they were visiting a dentist and filling out the medical questionnaire? (Are you allergic to penicillin?) But I think an over-arching question – “you don’t have a heart condition or asthma?” – might open a productive dialogue between first-time players. Thus one should be aware of any pre-conditions that could be a threat. With Covid lurking around, one should at least take your partner’s temperature prior to play. Being vaccinated – no matter what your views on vaccines – is not enough when it comes to dungeon play with many people around. So buy a ten dollar thermometer and put it in your toy bag. We do not know how flogging – for example – affects the virus; just be vigilant and if you see the bottom breaking out in a cold sweat it is time to stop play and take his/her temperature again.
Now onto safe words. Although “safe words are not the end-all and be-all to safety,” they are definitely better than anything that comes in second. The trick to using safe words effectively (and this seemingly obvious bit of advice might be extremely valuable to you). Although the standard safe word is “red,” many people try to pick out their own personal safe word. The “New Guard” wants style. “Paga”” might be a cool safe word for Goreans, but when panic time sets in and the mind starts spinning, these words might not be at the tip of the tongue. “Red” works for stop signs. “Red” works for scenes. Forget using trendy new safe words. Use “red.”
I also advocate the use of a safe signal. When you use a ball gag in a scene, the bottom –unless he/she is a ventriloquist — cannot give a safe word. So agree on a safe signal based on what type of scene you are doing. A great one is a shaking of the head continuously left to right — like a “no” signal. This is unmistakable, and does not require the hands, which might be bound. Between safe words and safe signals, you have increased safety a hundred fold.
Most BDSM writers always talk about a “safe call.” In this case the old expression – “after all is said and done, more is said than done” — is applicable. Most people never use the safe call procedure. But if used properly, safe calls are really good tools – especially when you play for the first time with someone you hardly know. In this age of the cell phone, it is really easy to have someone waiting for your call to see if all is well – and to arrange for any contingency plans should help be required.
Another safety key is…not playing with unsafe players! Sometimes there are players who have gained a reputation for being unsafe; most times these reputations — if they are widespread and repeated by respected members of the community — have some basis in fact. Stay away. But there are other red flags. When playing for the first time, a big red flag is when the Top says, “I never allow a safe word.” They might rationalize it by saying something like, “I am into TPE and do not believe in safe words.” Well, many in TPE relationships do eschew the safe word. But this only happens after a relationship is established; eliminating the safe word is generally negotiated after playing for awhile. Anyone who says “no safe words” right out of the box really hasn’t got a clue.
As for the scene itself, the oft-repeated advice of planning a scene in advance will add to the safety of it. Some scenes are pretty safe in and of themselves — an interrogation scene, for example. Others — such as mummification or breath play — are much more dangerous. Make sure the skill level of the Dominant (as he/she is in control) matches the danger quotient (D.Q.) of the scene being attempted. And though much of what I outlined here has been discussed before, there is nothing wrong in stating the obvious if it can save you a trip to the hospital. Remember, “Safety isn’t everything, it’s the only thing!”
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.
Punishment Is Always A Reward

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!
In previous articles, and within my books, I have alluded to this concept. I thought that this week, I’d focus in on it to highlight a very common misconception: That to make a punishment be effective for changing behavior in a D/s dynamic, it needs to be unpleasant enough for the submissive to encourage them to avoid the infraction. (Note: I am discussing actual punishment, not “Funishment” – scene time play in the form of punishments).
On the surface, this makes sense: If the person being punished hates the punishment, they will never want to experience it again – and will adjust their behavior to avoid it. If they fear the punishment, they won’t commit the infraction and the dominant will be happier, because they will not have to deal with the infraction again. You’ll often hear dominants talking about the severity of the punishment “matching the infraction”, and you will also hear that punishment needs to be swift and fitting.
All of this makes sense – until you consider the source of pleasure for a submissive. What thrills a submissive? What makes a submissive feel all subby inside? What washes a sub’s brain with Oxytocin and makes them feel so good about being a submissive?
In my discussions with submissives regarding things that “excite them most”, there is a common joy found in acknowledging (or having to acknowledge) their position in the relationship relative to their dominant. They LOVE to recognize that they are at the dominant’s beck and call – and at their whim.
They want to be helpless and dependent on the dominant. They want to feel the dominant’s authority. This was the root cause of excitement identified with of many fantasies, including: Bondage / suspension, Blackmail, Contracts, Humiliation, Chastity, Losing bets, etc. The idea that the submissive “has no choice but to comply” is ultra-alluring. It triggers sensations of fulfillment in people who are submissive.
So, let’s consider punishment. Who is allowed to punish someone? It must be someone with the authority to do so. Parents, teachers, wardens, governments – all with accepted authority to enforce rules. If you are being punished, you accept that punishment because you acknowledge and cede to the authority of the body punishing you — or you’d never allow it to happen.
Now, conflate the ideas: People only allow themselves to be punished by those with the recognized authority to do so – and submissives are excited by recognizing, or having to recognize, their relative position in the power dynamic and the authority of the dominant over them.
Therefore, I offer that this no way to punish a submissive without also rewarding them!
Furthermore, the more distasteful the punishment to the submissive, the greater the reward. Why? Because the more the submissive despises the punishment, the more they must recognize that they have agreed to allow themselves to be punished. The power imbalance created by their power dynamic is highlighted and elevated. They are “forced” to recognize that the dominant has the AUTHORITY to punish them – even with things that they hate. This fact EXCITES the submissive on some level – and their brain REWARDS them by filling them with all sorts of yummy subby pleasure chemicals. They feel more helpless; more “owned”.
The more difficult / distasteful / severe the punishment is, the more this reward-effect is realized.
The obvious irony is that the purpose of punishment is to modify behavior (or create a catharsis for guilt relief…there are many theories of why punishment is used – not to be discussed here), but the punishment, in and of itself, runs the risk of REWARDING the submissive for their bad behavior.
If you doubt this, look at the number of submissives who advertise exactly how they are willing to be punished for failing to serve properly. Or look at the number of submissives who deliberately act up whenever they feel they aren’t getting the attention they desire – or are checking the resolve of the dominant to force them to submit. Consider brats and how that behavior is often motivated by a desire to have the dominant exert their will and overcome their resistance.
A dominant who is trying to design punishments that will be severe enough to have the desired impact, is going to be sadly surprised to find that the behavior, although resolved in the short-term, will reappear again – usually if no punishment has been delivered in a while. They will be constantly escalating to attempt to stay above the submissive’s tolerance – only to find that backfire into more and more severe punishments…and a bunch of frustration!
What I Do In Lieu of Punishment
I published this in the article, “Why I don’t punish”. I recognized this “paradox” (it’s not really a paradox, as it really makes so much sense) a long time ago and vowed that punishment is simply not going to work with submissives. I concluded that the only way to really change behavior is to insist that the submissive provide the self-discipline to correct their behavior based on my explanation of my preferences and feedback on how what they’re doing is making me feel.
I recognize that a sub’s actions can sometimes be due to something that I do, or don’t do. I am not perfect (gasp, I know!)…so, I encourage my submissives to talk about what they need, before they’re acting up or acting out. Maybe I’m not demonstrating my position clearly. Maybe I’ve been a little lax or neglectful. It could happen. Maybe my sub is feeling a little alone in the dynamic and feels the need to check in, to make sure I still value their submission. That’s on me. How they go about resolving that and bringing it to my attention, however, is on them. I am approachable and will listen. If they are acting up, they are not taking advantage of my openness…and they need to talk to me.
If a submissive cannot correct their behavior – even after my insistence, explanation, and openness to listen, then THEY are putting the dynamic in jeopardy. I’m not saying that the only punishment is to dissolve the power dynamic – but I am saying that, if open communications of why something is displeasing to me, what I want them to do better (and why), and insistence that they correct the issue, doesn’t result in long-termed change, I’m not interested in wasting both of our time continuing the dynamic. Dissolving the dynamic isn’t a punishment, it’s a consequence brought about by their inability to change. It takes a lot to get to that point – but that’s where it’s going, if things don’t change.
Dominants: Consider avoiding punishment and favor open discussion and instance for change – explore to find root-causes for misbehavior and remain open to the possibility that it’s something you can control. Explain what you want and why you want it – and insist on it. Recognize that any punishment will be a reward at some level – and will likely work against the change you’re trying to achieve.
Submissives: Recognize that the responsibility for living up to your commitment to submit is yours. If you find yourself attempting to motivate your dominant to discipline you, introspect as to why and discuss it openly with your dominant.
Hopefully, this will give you cause to think – and maybe even change your opinion on discipline within your D/s dynamics. Happy power!
Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com
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On Being A Man In The Kink Scene

My sister died recently and one of my children said in response…”she lived well”…which I found an odd reaction considering that she had spent many years in seclusion fighting depression, had not been able to maintain employment, and had otherwise swindled people out of money to survive. I found his remark, well, odd.
Even so, his note that “she lived will” had me look at my own life from the point of view “lived well” and to make an assessment of what that expression implies for my experience of being alive.
As a boy, I was not particularly aware of myself. I fantasized a lot about life because I spent a lot of time reading books, many more adult than probably made sense for a kid to read. So, I spent a lot of my youth in fantasy. I masturbated furiously. I grew up without TV, skin magazines like Playboy and Penthouse, were banned, and so much of my fantasy reflected the adult books I read.
As a teenager, I became aware of my athletic prowess, and excelled at all sports. I played soccer, rugby, cricket, tennis, squash, field hockey, and did track and field. I also swam and dived. I had great balance, and body control and good hand-eye and foot-eye coordination and I had a high IQ for sports. I was just not a very big fella, so I ended up growing into a competitive gymnast that competed at the very highest level thorough high school, and I played soccer at a high level too. In class, I was the “funny guy”. I drove teachers crazy. I became aware that girls found me sexually attractive. When I was 16, I spent time in Berlin and hung out in sex shops. I brought home a very kinky German kink magazine that had scenes in it with bondage, discipline, incest, anal, piss play, and more. My masturbation fantasies changed almost immediately.
I dated girls from about age 13, although it was all very innocent until I was about 17 or 16, when Pam, this voluptuous sexy vixen, the high school prom queen, took me into a room at a party one night and said “I have been waiting to get you alone” and then she pushed me onto a bed and to my delight, she sucked my cock.
The girls came fast and furious after that. I fucked as if I was the last man on earth. And I was not at all aware of my manhood. If she was willing, I fucked her.
When I met, dated and then married my wife between 5 and 8 years later, I was mostly aware of the expectations of family and society. Get married, hold down a job, have children etc., and I can now say with certainty, that I was completely unaware of myself as a man. Sex was largely fetish free. She was the preacher’s kid after all.
I first became aware of my sexual masculinity about 10 years later, at age 38, This occurred in part because while raising children, my wife simply refused me her body. Once she stopped nursing, she persisted in her refusal. There I was, providing for her and my children and she simply turned off our sexual connection along with the associated loss of intimacy and relatedness. the next few years were hard. Sex is my love language.
I had not signed up for this, so I asked for a divorce. We set about starting that process and realized that it would be quite complicated. We agreed not to pursue it, and to have a slightly open relationship…a don’t ask don’t tell policy. It was not workable. I was miserable. I called a lawyer.
My first real moment of clarity occurred when about 6 years into our estrangement, even as I was still working on terms of a divorce, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and begged me to “stay and to make it go away”. I remember, I was speaking to my attorney on the phone, and she called on the other line and asked to speak to me urgently. I hung up to take her call. She was hysterical and said, tearfully, “you can’t leave now”. She asked for me help. I agreed. I set to one side my differences with her while we set about managing and treating her illness.
During the next 8 to 10 years or so, I learned more about my masculinity as I encountered women who made themselves sexually available to me and who enjoyed my fetishes. On a gradient I learned more about the full spectrum of my kink. I also discovered that when submissive women are self-expressed,
they are more connected to their primal selves and more authentic than I was able to deal with at first. I needed time to understand the sexual power I seemed to naturally exude.
When I finally got divorced, I was lucky to meet several self-expressed submissive women who pushed me to explore the darkest parts of my nature and who gave me access to the full spectrum of kink, and a glimpse into the true power of a D/s dynamic. It was a bit of a surprise to find so many women eager to submit. I had no idea. In many ways I was living a sheltered life till then. I learned a lot about my desires by taking on different Dom personas. I found myself a solid disciplinarian, a sadist who enjoyed wielding the cane and the flogger. I found chains appealing. I found I enjoyed acts of humiliation including water sports. I discovered I liked the excitement of kink. Tying up and fucking women was more appealing than I realized. I also came to recognize newly that for me, sex is indeed my love language, and I was determined to find a woman who was both horny and an obedient submissive masochist. Even with access to the full spectrum of kink, I was still empty inside. I wanted, in fact needed the intimacy of a loving relationship in addition to the kink. In addition to a through the roof sex drive to match my own she needed be comfortable in her body, and also searching for more than kink and sex. I craved kinky sex for sure, but mostly I craved the intimacy that leads to a meaningful loving relationship, and I was convinced that I needed to partner with a likeminded submissive.
I began to truly discover my masculinity and unlock the power that the D/s dynamic allows as possible. The deeply naturally dominant male inside me longed for and needed the power of a loving and willing slut with whom I could accomplished the impossible. I intended to experience my own masculinity more acutely while she herself realized her own femininity as a corollary. I wanted a partner who would jump into the rabbit hole with me, hand in hand. It occurred to me that as much as I needed to be a sadistic Dom, I needed a submissive slut who herself needed to explore her own masochistic tendencies. We cannot exist at all without each other, and I set out to find her. That much was clear. As I searched for her, luckily, I found her searching for me. Our good fortune is that we are completely aligned. It’s perfect. We are deeply connected and aligned in every aspect of our kink and more. We have been exploring our 24/7 TPE D/s dynamic, stretching each other and growing ourselves. It’s been amazing.
It’s only now, 3 years in, as the Dominant partner in a Total Power Exchange with Lady Petra that I truly have access to the deeply dominant masculine nature of my authentic self. What I thought was dominance has changed completely inside that exchange. I am responsible for her sexuality and her wellbeing and the impact of that has caused me to use her often and hard every single day, while at the same time, ensuring that she is deeply fulfilled in her own sexual self-expression. Or as she puts it, I “use her up”. There is more intimacy than I thought possible. I have learned how to be vulnerable. I have learned how to meter my power, and how to enroll her in her submission. There is much that has come out of our dynamic, including collaring her that itself has led to such amazing blistering hot sex that I am filled with desire for her on a daily basis. She is my muse. She is the loving object of my poetry. With her I am fulfilled as a man like never before. I am also deeply in touch with my primal sexuality. This is new for me and has only been true for me when I am with her and in the throes of our mutual ecstasy that we find each other most appealing, and the sex so satisfying.
She has given me the very best gift a man can have. My manhood. My masculinity. I am deeply grateful to have enjoyed this chapter of my life so far. I can say now, finally, that “I have lived well” too.
**Note, this is a personal exploration and not meant to be a commentary on masculinity in general (the author).