dominant

Bottoming From the Top

August 29, 2016 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

This article is addressed to the more advanced Masters/Mistresses among you, especially those who are involved in – or want to be involved in – Master/slave relationships. As opposed to many of my other articles, this one is mostly my own personal opinion. You might or might not agree with my observations; but I am presenting it as food for thought. (For the purposes of this article, I will use Master, Mistress, Dom, Domme, slave and submissive interchangeably. I have covered in kinkweekly.com – and will cover in more detail – the differences between these terms.)

On the surface, Master/slave relationships seem pretty simple. But the dynamics of maintaining them can be a bit tricky. In previous articles, I have addressed the many common problems of maintaining BDSM relationships. Here I will discuss a more obscure problem I have noticed in some Master/slave relationships. I call it “bottoming from the Top.”

In any relationship, be it vanilla, D/s or M/s, both participants want it to work. This seems pretty obvious. But how you make it work is the trick. Theoretically, in a Master/slave relationship, the Master requests, the slave obeys — within, of course, the negotiated limits. And except for times when the Master makes an asinine demand outside those limits — like the “bus question” (below) — this should work just fine.

(For those of you unfamiliar with the “bus question,” which I referred to in a previous kinkweekly.com article, I will repeat it here:

The infamous BDSM question, “Would you walk in front of a bus if your Master ordered you to?” is usually answered, “Yes, but Master would never ask me to do it.” That is fine in theory. It sounds good. It works great online. But in reality, ask your submissive to walk in front of a bus and the answer will be “F*ck you, Asshole.” Notice, the word Master was quickly replaced by Asshole. Make a demand that can’t be honored, control can disappear in a N.Y. minute.)

But the obverse of making insane demands — “bottoming from the Top– can create problems, too. In this scenario, the Master/Mistress only asks for things they know the bottom will like or are easy to execute. “Master orders you to drink Coke, not Pepsi.” If this is done occasionally, then there will be few problems. It is when the Master/Mistress is constantly skewing his/her requests in such a way to please the slave that problems arise. Being a “Coca-Cola Dom,” as I put it, eats into the dynamics of the relationship and takes the “top” out of the Top. There must be some challenge for the submissive; predictability and dullness are not what BDSM should be about..

So why is “bottoming from the Top” as widespread as I have observed? Most times I have noticed this is done out of fear of upsetting the relationship; fear that if the Master screws up and asks for something the slave will refuse to do, he will lose the relationship. It is a totally justified and human fear and a hard one to overcome. To a greater or lesser degree, this fear is always present in any relationship. But being a Master or Mistress requires the ability to work around this tendency.

Naturally, a Master/Mistress should not ask for things that the slave would find abhorrent, even if not pre-negotiated as a hard limit. On the other hand, the Master should not be constantly thinking of only “what the slave will like.”

Ideally, Master/slave means the Master asks without guile, without over-thinking the request and without skewing his/her demands out of fear that the given request will not be precisely what the slave wants.

The closer you can come to this ideal — and it is an ideal — the closer you will come to a solid Master/slave relationship.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Two Dom or Not Two Dom

July 11, 2016 By Jenn Masri Leave a Comment

That is the question. How the heck can having two Doms in your life work? (For purposes of this article I am using “Dom” as reference to a D-type regardless of gender identity.) We are all used to seeing the Dom with more than one sub. Minus the complications and issues that sometimes come along with the poly aspect of that situation, the “one Dom, two subs” (or more) makes sense to us. It’s a structure with one leader, one person calling the shots. So how can it work to have two leaders in control of one mutual partner? Here we are back to that good ol’ thing we call communication. Plus a good dose of negotiation and a dash of compromise.

Let’s start with a few less even situations. One sub has two Doms, but is married, cohabiting and/or maybe has children with one of them. Typically in this type of situation the other Dom would yield authority when it interferes with domestic or family situations. Perhaps one is a Monday thru Friday Dom and the other is a weekend Dom – for example, they negotiate power exchange for parties plus perhaps they are allowed a certain number of tasks to be given throughout the week. Maybe one Dom is only interested in domestic service and so they have certain days that the sub spends time doing those domestic services for them – cleaning, errands, etc.

It can become a bit more difficult when there isn’t a more clear distinction between the two Doms like in the above examples. So consider it a situation similar to a poly situation where the sub has two people they are involved with. Except now – add the power exchange. In my opinion it can become very confusing very quickly if clear boundaries and expectations aren’t discussed from the start. One simple way to look at it is similar to how poly couples divide their time. Figure out days that work for the sub to be with each Dom and each Dom respects the other Dom’s time with the sub. Perhaps a rare, yet not impossible, situation is when you have more of a triad dynamic with two Doms. The two Doms working together within the power exchange. Perhaps they all play together, have a physical relationship that includes all three, and the two Doms assign tasks and lead the sub as a joint force. How much, of course, depends on how much of a power exchange has been negotiated.

I’ve given you a handful of possibilities as far as how to go about the “two doms, one sub” relationship. Not that this will be shocking to most people – but there are probably one hundred more variations of how this might work for people. The key is for everyone to be on board and be willing to talk and figure out what works best for all involved. It also helps for the Doms to not get too caught up with issues of ego or pride. A good healthy relationship between the Doms (even if it’s not a triad) does not hurt in these cases. So, no, it’s not impossible to have more than one Dom. Just like with anything else it simply takes a bit more energy and a willingness to embrace the possibility!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Non-Sexual Play from the Top

June 13, 2016 By Jenn Masri 11 Comments

At the end of March I wrote an article about non-sexual play from the perspective of the s-type, or bottom. I feel it’s only fair to write about non-sexual play from the D-type, or Tops, perspective as well. Because I can’t assume you read the previous article, I will paste an excerpt here regarding sexual vs non-sexual play.

“First I need to break down sexual vs. non-sexual the way I will use it for this article. I am going to be very literal. Many people would argue that every scene, all play, is sexual. If it turns you or the other person on, it’s sexual. Well, first of all, not all play is about sexual arousal. However, that is a discussion for another day. For my purpose I am using non-sexual play to mean that no sexual acts are performed during the scene. No “naughty bits” are touched, no kissing, etc.”

There are some reasons a Top would play this way that is similar to a bottom playing this way. For example, the scene could be for a demo or performance where the primary focus of the Top is making sure technique is correct and/or that it looks good for the audience.

But how about for a personal scene?

Personally, I’ve done many “sampler scenes” – showing the bottom (regardless of how they identify) how various implements or types of play feel. They may be new to the scene or perhaps they identify as a D-type but want to understand implements from a bottom’s point of view (experience how things feel). Tops may also be doing it for practice – so focus is on technique, aim, etc.

Training can be another reason a Top plays non-sexually. He/She may be focusing the scene on training their s-type in certain positions and commands for service.

Getting out some physical (not sexual) energy through play. Just as bottoms can enjoy cathartic release and stress relief during play, a Top can enjoy the same benefits.

Sadists, by definition, enjoy inflicting pain or humiliation on another human being. Therefore, a sadist can absolutely play non-sexually, yet walk away with tremendous satisfaction.

Control is a huge element of BDSM, power exchange, and play. It is easily separated from any sexual element – if sexual play is a part of the scene. Either way control is a huge factor. Maintaining the lead in a scene, knowing the bottom will follow your commands, do what you want, etc. (within limits and consent of course) is a huge ego boost and psychological turn on.
It is easy to have a great time playing with someone we aren’t necessarily sexually attracted to. Maybe we are just friends. Perhaps there is a friendship energy that includes playfulness, fun, and trust. These are all wonderful things and more than enough reasons to play without sexual activities. Play does NOT have to be serious!

Are you a Top or D-type who enjoys non-sexual play? Tell me why you enjoy it in the comments below!

Controversy time: Predator Doms

May 30, 2016 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

In a previous, contentious article, “Predator Pro-Dommes,” I warned against a new breed of faux Pro-Dommes invading the BDSM world post “Fifty Shades.” Although the response was largely positive (and most who excoriated me did not carefully read what I wrote), I admitted one major error, and I quote: “If there is one large error that I made, it was to not add that there are predatory male Doms out there too. And I will likely write about that.” Well, here it is! This article is addressed SPECIFICALLY to subs (male or female) who are looking for a male Dominant.

When any person interested in being a sub enters the BDSM lifestyle, they invariably hear the word “trust” mentioned a lot. Obviously, once you consent to being tied up, you must trust your Dominant. In a D/s relationship, you trust that his decisions will be, on balance, good ones. Thus, the statement that “D/s is based on trust” has a lot of truth within it.

In our lifestyle, and in interpersonal relationships in general, trust is one of the hardest things to judge. “Can I trust him?” is a tough question to answer. In a society where people meet total strangers online, it is hard to know whom to have confidence in. Can examining different aspects of “trust” shed light on how to spot an incompetent or – worse still – a Predator Dom? Let’s give it a try.

As I see it, there are two kinds of trust. The first type is what I term “scening trust.” The beauty of BDSM play is that it sets up an objective way to evaluate this area of trust. After a few scenes, you can assess the “trust level” of just about any dominant by answering the following questions.

1.Is the Dom as skillful as he first claimed to be? Did the dominant exaggerate his skill level? Did he answer your pre-scening questions truthfully? Were there any “truth” red flags? This is not only a question to determine how well suited a dominant is to you, but it also answers questions about his basic integrity.

2.Did the Dom allow a safe word? I personally believe that a couple can eventually dispense with a safe word – but only after they know how they play. But, if a dominant categorically refuses to allow the use of a safe word in your initial scenes, trust is an issue.

3.Did the Dom stop immediately upon hearing your safe word? If the answer is “no,” trust can be totally killed.

4.Was the Dom interested in your well-being? Or was he totally self-indulgent even at the peril of safety?

5.Did the Dom exude an aura of competence that made you feel safe? When the play gets more edgy – such as needle play — the level of requisite trust escalates. Do you trust him to keep you safe in all play situations?

If your answers to the five questions are all positive ones, you are off to a good start. And, if your situation is a play-only deal, you can just evaluate trust from strictly scening point of view.

It is in the area of emotional trust that the lines often become blurred. It is in this area where “Predator Doms” lurk. What makes an “unsafe emotional player” is a totally subjective call. Yet, this is at least as important a criterion as “scene trust.” In the emotional trust area, I propose five more questions that must be answered before you can begin to trust a potential Dom.

1.Did the Dom lie to you at any time? This is pretty basic stuff. But, one must be super-vigilant at the beginning. I am not saying, “One strike and you’re out!” There can be extenuating circumstances or the lie might be a forgivable one (at the option of the lie-ee.) But, honesty is the foundation of trust.

2.Did the Dom bum-rush you with an “insta-collar?” This can be fun; I am open-minded. But, it not the most effective way to establish trust which, like it or not, is built up over time.

3.Does the Dom make any demands that seem unreasonable? Although this is #3, this might be the key to spotting a “Predator Dom.” If a potential dominant says, “Give me your paycheck,” “Slaves have no property” or something similar right off the bat, you can bet establishing trust is not his first priority. Hold on to your wallet. Unless you REALLY want to give him your wallet! (This is all consensual, you know.) But don’t complain to me if you wind up penniless.

4.Is the Dom totally open with you? Does the Dom avoid certain questions or shade the truth? Does he address your concerns in a straightforward manner?

5.Does the Dom have other Dom friends who can vouch for him? If you are trusting someone with your life, you might as well find out if this person has peers who can vouch for him. When I met my current slave, I had her meet Sire Kane, of Lair deSade and other Doms. This is not a requirement, but it is part of a profile that you should put together when you want to submit on a high level.

If you break down trust in this two-part way – play trust and emotional trust – you can evaluate your potential dominant’s “trust factor” in a more objective way. In this way, you can protect your body, your psyche and even your property!

In this post “Fifty Shades” era, with many new players entering the scene who have movie-level concepts of what BDSM is, one cannot be too careful. I am not an alarmist. On the other hand, being too careful is never a bad thing. “Better safe than sorry” is an old aphorism that still has value.

Dexx Interviews Orpheus Black

May 24, 2016 By Dexx 4 Comments

Dexx: Mr. Orpheus Black. You’re a BDSM educator, Pro Dom, lifestyle speaker, adult video star; you seem to have your hand in a lot of different projects. I read one of your quotes, “I only started doing bondage after a guy told me I was too old to start doing bondage and be really good.” So I’m curious to know… how old were you when you first started with BDSM and how did you become involved in the community?

Orpheus: I started BDSM when I was about twenty two. I was going to school for paraphilia and a teacher asked me, “how could you actually try and delve into that field without having any frame of reference knowledge? Why don’t you go out, get some experience in paraphilia, fetish, kink, BDSM and then come back.” That was one of my motivators and unfortunately I never went back. That was my first foray into committing to this lifestyle. I also had a girlfriend who I was in a poly relationship with for five years. She left me for a Dom and I’m thinking, who is this guy “Dom” and when I see him I’m going to kick his butt! (Laughs).

She left, moved to a different state, took my stepson with her and then came back and said that didn’t work, but you need to know what this lifestyle is about. She walked me to a dungeon for the first time and I had my powder blue sweat suit on and the Georgetown visor, total hip hop moment and we walk into a Goth/industrial club and I swear the whole party just stopped. This big black guy and his girl in the matching blue outfit coming in. I saw everything there. I saw people being choked and the guy who would become my mentor, Sir Nik in high heels, lipstick, and mohawk wearing a skirt and he’s choking this girl out who’s tied to a crucifix. Just going at it and I was like, yea I could do this, this is me I’m home. That was how I actually walked through the door.

It seems like you’ve come a long way since then. You were named the Southwest Master/slave titleholder for 2016?

That’s correct!

What is that, and how did you come to be awarded?

The Master/Slave titles started off as a leather title and grew to encompass all that embraced the M/s lifestyle. The idea is that they want to pick someone who has the education and background to be able to go out and speak on Master/slave relationships. I’ve been with my wife and slave for twenty one years, and we live in an M/s lifestyle. But we’ve had to go through every facet of it as Dominant and submissive, Top and bottom all the way up to trying to accept the title as African Americans, “Master and slave.” We had to go through that whole cathartic process, going public and transforming our lives around this. Southwest Leather Conference as well as the SoCal Leather title felt that we were able to represent that as a couple and wanted us to go out and teach the practices. That’s what we do.

You touched on an interesting point. How do you think issues of race and ethnicity factor into people’s journey into BDSM?

That’s a good one. Depending on what your nationality is and your relationship dynamic it can be either a wonderful thing or a horrible thing. When I first entered this lifestyle, I was one of two black guys in a Goth club doing BDSM with a black woman. Immediately we started getting racial comments. “Her butt is obscene, we don’t want to see N-words doing this, that and the other. What has this community come to when we let N-words in here to do this type of thing.” It was at that moment that I said “I’m not going to let these people bully me off of the stage. I’m not going to let them curb how I play.”

For a while, my wife and I -and one other black person – we were the black community. We were the only people out and proud and as I started taking more photos and doing things more publicly, I started getting information from other black people who said, “I thought I was the only one, I thought I was alone” or “something was not normal with me.” That isolation that we feel as sexual minorities translates horribly into a social disorder, it translates into emotional disorders and some people even commit suicide depending on their level of sexual minority. For example, African Americans have the lowest rate of suicide in the country but as soon as they become a sexual minority, they have the highest rate. So that in and of itself should tell you how hard it is to acclimate as a sexual being as an African American. So that’s a really, really hard thing.

In the industry of sex it’s is a very racial battle ground because if you’ve ever been to a sex shop and you look at the walls, they have porn that’s boy girl and then there’s the black section. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing in it, as long as it’s black on black it’s niche, it’s nuanced. Why is the sex partitioned? So that tells you that black sexuality is a taboo. In BDSM, it becomes even harder because we’re a sub group of that niche community. To give you an example, one of the things I created was a little social experiment. I go to people and say “I want you to imagine the freakiest thing, the hottest kinkiest fantasy. Do you have it in your head? Ok, what nationality are they?” White guys would say white girl, blonde or red hair, etc. I’d ask black people and they would say the same thing. And I say, how come you can’t even see yourself in your sexual kinky fantasy? It’s because we have no frame of reference. It’s never been normalized and if you look at it from a historical standpoint, African Americans didn’t get the opportunity to say who they were as sexual beings until recently. So you get here around the 1500s and you’re just surviving, you’re acclimating after that. The next generations are accepting their role, and being defined by whatever society is doing and then you get into the next few generations and people are trying to find freedom, and then the next ones you’re trying to find a job because you’ve been released, and the next one is civil rights but when do we get a chance to say who am I as a man and who are you as a woman? So what we’ve done is kind of just cobble together this sexuality of the oppressor through religion, who religion has told us we’re supposed to be, through art, television, and other mediums but when you can’t see people who look like you being diverse, when you cant see people like you engaging in the type of thing you want to engage in, you feel you need to hide and suppress it.

It seems like this is a much bigger issue than just in the BDSM community, with society at large. Encouragingly though, I’ve entered the BDSM community much more recently, and it seems like now some of the top educators and leaders now are African Americans; Sir Valentino, Kane, Master Obsidian.

Your social media is a wealth of inspirational BDSM related advice and quotes. I found a few; “BDSM is an erotic ritual that’s designed to bring two people closer together not only in a primal understanding, but in a caring and loving manner.” That speaks a lot to me personally in the lifestyle and I imagine to many other people. There are a lot of people who pay professionals for their BDSM experiences. How do you this statement applies to those types of situations where it’s less about an ongoing relationship and more of a service?

But every service is a relationship. Customer service maintains the relationship between the company and the individual. As a professional, my whole goal is to create a relationship no matter how fleeting it may be. I have to give you literally what you’re looking for, how you want it, and which way you want but I also have to supply you with what you need and that’s where it becomes an issue because you may want to feel a certain way but you may need this specific thing. When a person gets what they need there’s a type of vulnerability that goes on with it and you need to be able to be trusted, assume that you care for them and that you are acting in their best interests. That can only be done within the context of a relationship even if it is just for this moment.

You’re a regular BDSM teacher at classes around LA. I was fortunate to attend one of your spanking classes last year at The Lair. What do you think the secret is to a great spanking?

Anticipation. You don’t just jump straight into the spanking. You’ve got to take your time and deal with the whole body as opposed to just the area. I think one of the common complaints from women with big boobs and butts is that’s the first thing everybody goes for. There’s a whole plethora of other things here so let’s work with the other things first and then go to that. That can get you into trouble with consent; “You said you were going to spank me but you did all these other things.” So if you’re going to give a good spanking, not a disciplinary spanking you have to know what it is you want to do convey that to your partner and then stick within the guidelines.

But to me without all of the other constraints, being able to say I’m going to enjoy every moment of this, and you, and then I’ll choose to hyper focus on one area, that’s really the key to pretty much anything.

One of your classes that you’re teaching here at DomCon and elsewhere is about bondage and meditation. What is the premise of the class?

The premise of the class is not to teach people how to tie, but to teach people how to connect. I think what’s lost in BDSM is the difference between touch and connection. Touch is something I do to you, connection is something I do with you. In this space we do too much acting on the other person. I hit you, I do this to you, I’m touching your body. But how often do we get a chance to really perceive our partner, to really embrace ourselves? To create a moment that is all about them, and their experience and taking them out of the world that they live in, the rat race, the job, the kids, all the other shit that they normally can’t shake.

As a Dominant I have to be able to give them that freedom to be in that space because they have a lot of things that they need to metabolize. There’re a lot of things that they need to work through. By giving them these moments to just sit and be in their nature, I think its just easier for them to reconnect with who they are and the person that we fell in love with. So that’s what I’m trying to do when we do this meditative bondage. It’s not about suspending and how cute my tie is, its about providing containment for another individual and holding space so they can either release whatever they’ve been holding or just let go of themselves.

It sounds fascinating. And I guess, spirituality as it relates to sex and BDSM seems to be a theme of some of your teachings and musings. Do you see that there is an intersection between BDSM and spirituality?

Yes. I wish it was more common and that it wouldn’t even be a question. So one of the things I try to reference is a play by Ovid called Pyramus and Thisbe and in the book it pretty much is Romeo and Juliet but these two kids fall in love through this hole in a wall. They can just see each other and listen to each other through this wall and its an analogy about how we live our lives now. Everyone puts these walls up and we only give just enough room to hear the other person or just enough to look through these walls, but the wall is still up. They avoid true deep meaningful connection. But that wall is literally ego. You’re afraid. Any time you make a decision out of fear it’s the wrong decision. What we need to do and what I’m hoping these conversations about spirituality do is allow a person to be vulnerable. We need to start loving and caring. The self doesn’t get thirsty or hungry, you can’t make love to it or beat it. The self requires care and concern, tenderness, safety. Those are things you can’t provide for yourself. The self needs another person to provide it.

Do you think that for Dominants in BDSM it can be particularly difficult to show that true vulnerability, when at the same time they’re trying to present themselves as decisive, capable and strong to appeal to submissives who are looking for that aspect as well?

And that’s the problem. That’s ego! It’s for both people. Because if she cant accept you as being vulnerable, what happens the moment she sees you cry. If you’re worried about her leaving you when you’re in an emotionally vulnerable part, she can’t see all of you. She is not the person that you need to be with anyway. You have to let go of all of the ego that’s involved and just be you. I don’t need them to fall in love with Orpheus. I need them to be in love with Ron Neal. If they’re too attached to the labels or roles and not the individual then its nothing.

To me a slave will do anything you want, including walk away from this if that’s what the master wants. If I say I don’t want to be kinky anymore I’m going to go be vanilla, I’m pretty sure my wife would be right there with me being vanilla, she’d be a soccer mom baking cookies on the weekend. That’s real connection and that’s what we’re all looking for. I hope that in these conversations, I try to express myself in an open and vulnerable way to encourage other Dominants to be open and vulnerable as well because it’s a lonely place being a Dominant. It’s like being middle management, (laughs) the boss doesn’t want to talk to you and the workers won’t talk to you and you’re just stuck there in the middle with your own problems. A good Dominant creates emotional protocols for himself. He tells his, When I’m breaking down this is how I need to be talked to or held, this is how I need to metabolize the feelings I’m going through, this is how you’re going to help me get through these moments. That’s honest, that’s transparent and if you can do it, they can do it.

I noticed you’re doing a class called Black Tie Bondage and Fireplay. Sounds fascinating, what’s that all about?

I have a penchant for inventing things that I need and bondage wasn’t providing me with a method for doing fireplay and bondage. So what we had to do was create a way of being able to make a safety protocol that would enable all the rope to come off in the event that the rope caught fire. So what I did was invent a way of creating a quick release and that quick release, you pull it-everything comes loose. But we also found that people were more inclined to do Black Tie Bondage because they could released instantly. The idea is if it takes ten minutes to put someone in [to bondage], it takes ten minutes to pull them out but if they’re panicking, that ten minutes is the longest ten minutes of their life. So we’ve been able to use it in other methods. I’m teaching this to people as a way of a safer method of tying someone for the first time, like an introduction to bondage. Then fireplay as well.

And aside from teaching classes, you also do private coaching for individuals and couples who are interested in learning more?

Yes. That is the thing that I love to do most. Working with people, specifically couples who are looking to grow closer together as a unit. When I came into this I had my partner and she was everything to me. She was my bottom, my sub and she learned right next to me and we grew together. I think in that way we match each other’s expectations. Any time I see a couple who wants to start this journey together I think that really, really says something to me, it encourages me to want to work with them closer. Because a person is humble enough to say, I don’t know how to do these things but I want to learn and the other person is humble enough to say if it means that much to you I’ll be there with you.

It sounds like it’s a form of relationship guidance. Do you incorporate practical teaching as part of that? How to use implements, toys and such?

Yes, we do an intake, we find out what they want to do, what they’re interested in exploring, why they want to explore it, how each of them feels about this process and then we go into specifically into what they want to do. So if they want to go into an M/s dynamic, we talk about protocols, rituals, and how to do it We’ll talk about the best way to use safe words, negotiation, even in the context of their relationship. We’ll create a language around what they’re doing because it’s one thing to say I want to flog. You hear flogging and we start interpreting your own ideas. I might think rubber with spikes. You might think bunny floggers. And then we get into the implements. I’m always there to follow up too. I include a phone call or a Skype to see how they’re doing and if they have additional questions.

I saw that you’ve done shoots with some of the kink.com sites. How did you enjoy those experiences?

(Laughs) Kink.com was awesome. I was provided with the opportunity to run through the castle. It was great. I shot on a Friday, I left Sunday and I was there pretty much by myself. I had the whole damn place to myself. And I went to every room. I ran through the whole place. I saw all of the sets. It was absolutely wonderful. I think anybody who’s in this industry wants to shoot with them. They are like the playboy of our industry.

Do you think that BDSM porn is a positive influence in terms of people’s education about real BDSM?

It depends on how you frame it. People have this opinion that porn doesn’t represent real sex and sexuality. Well, yes it does, it just doesn’t represent what you envision real sex and sexuality to be. That being said, BDSM in porn is done at such a high level it’s very hard to emulate. Also because we don’t see all the safety measures, all the negotiation, all the things that are done behind the scenes, some people may feel motivated to try and do this without a staff. Or they may do it without realizing that this one woman has done this ten times for different people and they just change her hair. So BDSM porn is good and bad because it can introduce you into something that you didn’t know existed and you’ll investigate it but for those who just don’t want to get any education and just want to attempt what they see on TV, I think that becomes a problem. I would really love to see Kink do a behind the scenes.

All of the preparation that goes into it.

Like, we’re behind the scenes with Katie Morgan and they just finished their negotiation and this is the guy who’s going to rig her up. For the people who are looking for that to really round down expectations and if they ever need anybody to do it, I want to do it! So that people say, “oh, they’re fucking in a barbershop” but it’s actually a set. You actually can’t do this in real life.

I noticed you had a couple of comments relating to depression on your Twitter. Do you think that there’s an intersection between those in the BDSM community and depression?

Yes. BDSM is just a cross section of society. Someone took a chunk out of the Venn diagram of America, or whatever country you’re from, and then pulled it into a small section. So we have suicidal people, homicidal people, idiots and geniuses but the thing that we have to all acknowledge is that mental health is a big factor in what we do. Its one of the biggest red flags that we can see if we know how to diagnose it. If we have subs that we’re responsible for and they suffer from depression, that may be a problem. They may go through depression with you and have never gone through it before. They may be horrible by themselves and not with other people.

I personally suffer from depression. It was something that took me a long time to admit to myself. Depression and anxiety; so I personally try to write only about what I go through. When I post something about depression it’s my personal issue I feel at that moment. It’s really important to sit and talk to people about what you’re going through because someone else may be going through it too. Aside from mental illness, that I’m aware of we’ve probably had three people that commit suicide in our community a year. I think if you look at it as a microcosm, and you say how many people are kinky versus how many people are committing suicide, the percentage would be enough to cause some alarm but because we’re not as connected as we should be and no one’s looking at it because its kind of like the bastard of our kinky house, it’s something that we just let go. If they’re a result of depression I don’t know, if it’s a result of someone who is just mad, I don’t know but it’s very important that someone look into it.

Yes, it appears to be a sad reality of the community.

You shot an episode of Undercover for Playboy TV recently. Are you able to talk about that?

Yes! So Undercover with Kate Quigly is a show where she goes out and meets people doing all kinds of sexual acts that are outside of the norm. She interviewed me and she engaged in a little fire play with me, just a taste and then we bring in other people who are capable of going deeper and further. From what I understand, the fireplay was an awesome segment. The knife play is supposed to look really great too.

It seems like there’s been a general proliferation in recent times of kink coming into more mainstream media.

Right, it is. I like to say it’s the normalization of our darker sexuality. People think kink is like rubber and hoods but I’ll ask a woman, “have you ever been spanked in bed before” and they say “yeah but that’s not kinky”. (Laughs) Why is it not kinky? I’ll say “has anybody ever sucked your toes” and they say “yeah but that’s not kinky.” Then what do you call spanking and foot fetish? I think everybody has been somebody’s bitch at some point in time. We’re so into this person and they could have told us to do anything and we would have done anything for them. What’s the difference between that and being in service to someone? If we really want to expose kink to the world, we have to reframe the way it looks, normalize the verbiage, and stop using the coded language that we do in order to seem sexually superior to everyone else. Because what vanilla has that kink doesn’t is the relationship component. We downplay the relationship component to the point that it seems to be nonexistent, but at the core of any interaction there’s a relationship there.

Ok, and do you think that will start to happen in terms of the verbiage evolving?

I hope so because I need new customers. (Laughs) There’re always going to be jerks. The people who perceive themselves at the top want to stay there so if they don’t have this language to use then anyone can do what they do. Anyone can say “oh you mean this, in the vanilla context that’s what this could mean. So I could technically teach your class to the vanilla people you know and cut you out? I can do that.” And it does happen. We use this coded language to protect our position in the community, it’s just an inherent fear of social and financial obsolescence. I think if you’re gong to die out just die out. It’s going to happen to me, it’s going to happen to everyone in this community. But we’re not doing anyone any good if we’re trying to hold these spots and reserve them for us. Everyone is regurgitating everyone else’s information so I hope that we start seeing more open arms, less cliquish behavior, more reaching out into the vanilla community and a general acceptance for all the people who want to be a part of this.

Some of your posts touch on the psychology of submission, one that particularly stands out: “Dominants must remember that no one can punish a loving submissive as much as she can punish herself.” I think that can resonate with a lot of submissives including anniebear, my sub. How did you get such an insight into the psychology of what’s happening on the other side?

So I told a sub to put her hands on the table and bend over [to punish her] and she broke down crying. She said, I’m so sorry, I’ve been thinking about this all day I know I was wrong. I couldn’t punish her on top of that. And then I started approaching the psychology of it because there’s a perfectionist in every sub. They don’t want to be coached, they want to do everything right, right off the bat and when they don’t they let down themselves. And then they beat themselves up about how disappointed you’re going to be.

It’s really interesting mitigating actual punishment with allowing them to fail. Sometimes allowing them to fail is the punishment. Not creating a scenario where they fail but oh, you think you know the best way to do it? Do it and lets see and if you get it right, we found a new way to do it, if you don’t then we’ll discuss it. Those discussions have been more punishing in my opinion than anything I could really do.

At some point in time, where’s that boundary of abuse? It’s really a deterministic thing. Abuse happens in the mind of whoever is receiving the punishment. A person will only allow themselves to be punished to the extent that they feel they deserve. If they felt that they’ve punished themselves up to a point, you hitting them once could be abuse in their eyes. So in trying to extrapolate these scenarios, in my mind I’m seeing them over and over again, I realized that no one can punish them worse. Even some punishments may even make them feel repentant. They may feel free from this.

It’s almost like a means of them being able to put it behind them sort of case closed, you’ve been punished, now we can move on and not talk about it again.

Right, come down off the cross, someone else needs the wood. (Laughs)

Do you have any other projects in the works?

Yes, I’m trying to work more in the context of spirituality and my bondage and meditation classes are the flagship for that. As I said before, I’m not just teaching people how to tie but how to connect; with themselves, their partners and really using it as a metaphor for submission. In doing that, what we’re going to start training people to do this online and then those people who want to go further, we’ll offer courses on how to facilitate these actual endeavors. I’m also working on another book, my second. Right now the working title is The Tale of Nawashi and Bakushi and it’s going to be a BDSM version of the Tao of Pooh. So I created these two characters and it all about philosophy as it pertains to BDSM and bondage. It’s just my philosophies and art for a coffee table book. If I could get some guy to read this to his little, like a story time book, I’d be so happy! (Laughs)

Orpheus Black – Southwest Master/slave titleholder – is also a published author and erotic educator, specializing in hierarchical dynamics, non-monogamous relationships, and erotic meditation. This two-time Bawdy Story telling champion has been traveling the country teaching his fun and light-hearted educational events for more than a decade.

During this time, Orpheus has become one of California’s most respected educators as well as a favorite interviewee and contributor, lending his expertise to shows such as “Chocolate Radio”, “Night Calls”, “Love, Sex, and Hip Hop”, “The Sex Nerd Sandra Show”,”The Dr. Susan Block Show”, and “The Inner Circle with Neil Strauss”.

Orpheus is also a regular presenter at DomConLA and is the founder of Cirque de Sade—a high profile Dominants group whose mission is to advance the art of BDSM through a commitment to innovation, excellence, and active leadership in the D/s, Ms and fetish communities. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

My Lifelong Love of Leather

February 15, 2016 By Frederick M 3 Comments

For as long as I can remember I have been in love with leather. It seems it’s just always been there, though I was not always aware of it. There is just something comforting and wonderful about it. The look, the feel, the smell; they combine to produce an effect in me that just feels like home.

As a kid I read a lot; I mean a LOT. I was mostly drawn to science fiction and fantasy novels, and when I discovered stories about Conan the Barbarian and other similar characters I was hooked and read everything I could get my hands on. The main characters in these stories were always powerful men, warriors clad in leather and furs, be it hardened leather armor or plain animal skins for warmth; leather was always very prominent. There were also frequent references to gear, whips, flogs, bindings, and various other things that would eventually become much more familiar to me. It began to form a perception in my mind about the relationship between dominant, warrior men and leather. Little did I realize how important this would become to me later in life.

My adolescent idols were always rock stars, and especially heavy metal bands. Groups like Judas Priest and KISS, all decked out in their leather and chrome studded outfits not only appealed to me because of their music, but because of their style as well. It just seemed like the epitome of masculine power to my teenaged brain.

I can distinctly remember buying my very first leather jacket. I was 18 years old and made my first trip to the Wilson’s leather store. You didn’t even have to enter the store before the smell would wash over you like a warm smothering wind. Just stepping into that place was like entering heaven for me.

I tried on many items that day; pants, gloves, overcoats, but finally settled on a simple, waist length, black leather jacket; not quite motorcycle style, but very masculine looking. It felt powerful and primal and as I looked at myself wearing it in the mirror, seemingly transformed by it somehow, it felt like a rite of passage. For years afterward that jacket went everywhere I did. I wore it ALL the time.

So I suppose it’s no real surprise that as an adult entering the lifestyle, I was drawn immediately to the leather culture. However at that time I was very inexperienced in all the idiosyncrasies of kink lifestyle, and at first it seemed that the leather culture was primarily dominated by gay males; which is in fact where the male leather culture originally comes from. But one thing I knew for certain, even at that time, was that I was not gay, and didn’t really care to engage in any kinky activity with gay men. No judgement, just not my thing.

Regardless, I was determined to be who I am, even if I was the only one. Before attending my first public kink party on New Year’s Eve in Vancouver, BC, I headed to the local motorcycle shop in search of leathers to wear to the party. I found a great pair of pants and a black leather vest which seemed perfect. Party attire secured, I set out to make a bold impression right out of the gate. Unfortunately being so new to the scene I didn’t realize that the spiked leather dog collar I also included in my outfit would single me out as a submissive!!

So, after having to turn down several would-be male suitors, I decided to ditch the collar. Lesson learned. I obviously had much to figure out.

Eventually I made my way back home to Los Angeles only to discover a veritable beehive of kink and fetish related activity, and soon I was attending munches and parties and gaining a small circle of friends. By this time I had a leather motorcycle jacket and wore either it or my trusty vest everywhere I went. But I didn’t see many other men wearing leather like I did. I knew I had to be missing something.

Then one night at my regular munch I spotted one, a tall, imposing male figure clad in a leather vest just like I was. But where mine was plain, his was emblazoned proudly with a series of patches on the front, his name, a tri-colored flag and other things I couldn’t quite make out. And on the back of his vest, big and bold in Red, Black and Silver, a crest with a crown and the name of what I assumed must be a motorcycle club. He was confident, intimidating and looked like he wouldn’t take any crap from anyone.

I asked the munch host if she knew who he was and she told me what little she knew, but then before I had a chance to go introduce myself, he was gone. But I had some hope at last that there were others like me out there, if only I could find them.

It wasn’t long into my time in the scene here in LA, that I began looking for a mentor. I was at a stage where I wanted to really take my lifestyle seriously and I knew I needed help. A former girlfriend recommended someone she had met and was playing with and he was one of the men I reached out to regarding mentorship, and as it turns out the only one to respond. He recommended that I attend a meeting of the Los Angeles chapter of the MDHL, where he said he and some of his friends would be in attendance.

I didn’t even know what MDHL was, but I wanted to talk to him so I agreed to go. I had even less of an idea how much this one small thing would change my life.
I showed up, leather vest and all only to find myself soon surrounded by more than a dozen men in leather; vests, jackets, and most with that same crest I had seen at the munch a couple of months earlier. I had found them!!

I soon learned that MDHL stands for Male Dominant Heterosexual Leather, and that like LGBT, it is a community, a means of identification, and a specific lifestyle. I thought I’d died and found nirvana!! (the paradise, not the band) Finally! My people, and in organized numbers!

As I sat there listening to the open discussion of MDHL/female submissive relationships, and the lifestyle itself, I became overwhelmed with a sense of belonging, and could tell that these men and women were among the most serious about this way of life of anyone I had met so far. They talked about things like respect, honor, commitment and service to the community. These were no mere amateurs, this meant something to them.

I met my mentor that night, one of the men in that vest, and after talking with him for a while, asked for his help and guidance in my path. There was just something about the way he spoke and carried himself that impressed me greatly.

As time went on under his example and friendship I learned a great deal about what it means to be a dominant Leatherman, as well as what the leather lifestyle means to me and those around me. To us, leather is more than just a fashion statement, and MDHL more than a casual means of identification. The brotherhood runs deep. The bond of leather is something we all respect, cherish and protect enthusiastically. Leather Dominants often refer to each other as brothers and express genuine love and respect for each other.

Leather means brotherhood, self-discipline and honor. There is a tradition of respect, for oneself and for others that earn it, an open minded exchange of ideas and information, and eager activity in the community at large.

I also learned that those men wearing the crest on their vests were a close knit group of leathermen who had formed a fraternal organization among themselves. A group of very serious and experienced players who shared their love of the lifestyle and each other like family. This is, in my experience, a rare thing, especially among dominant men. It can sometimes be hard to just have a friendly conversation with another dominant in the room, or even form a casual friendship, let alone a lifelong bond. There is often so much ego based posturing and defensiveness that any real relationship is blocked; but not so with these men. I am now honored to be prospecting to more closely join this brotherhood, and proudly display a prospect patch right above my MDHL flag.

Surprisingly those of us that are MDHL have had perhaps more than our share of discrimination in our own community. It’s odd to me that in a world where literally almost anything goes, those of us who are heterosexual men, who like to wear leather and have our S and M scenes with submissive women get a fair amount of negative reaction from other factions, even though we may be doing the exact same things. It seems that, for some, its fine for a man to tie up and beat on another man, or for a woman to do so to another woman, or even for a woman to do it to a man. But the minute you get a man doing these things to a woman, there is a discomfort level that some folks just can’t seem to handle. Throw a black leather jacket or, god forbid, a motorcycle into the mix and watch out!

I think this may be a remnant left over from what I like to call “vanilla conditioning”; or a set or perceived values that is not necessarily coming from what the person feels, but rather from what society at large deems appropriate. Which if you think about it, in our community is pretty ridiculous, but hey, it happens. Certainly genuine abuse is wrong, and should not be condoned in any sense. But there is such a stigma over men beating up women that, even though we absolutely operate within the bounds of consent just like anyone else in the lifestyle, we are viewed by some as abusers for indulging in very common practices found in BDSM relationships. Practices nearly everyone else is also doing.

So part of the benefit of openly identifying as MDHL, and further, in being a part of a close group of like-minded folks, is gaining and sharing an awareness, creating a safe place where we can commune and be ourselves, knowing that we are not alone, and doing our part to educate the community at large. This is something I’m sure anyone who thinks back to their early days of first being aware that there was something “different” about their sexuality, and maybe even being ashamed of it, can identify with and agree is supremely important. Because the simple fact is we are out there, doing our thing, and we’re not going anywhere.

We are not abusers. We are in fact some of the most conscientious and respectful people in the scene today. Men like me take ownership of their actions and always strive to provide a safe environment for their submissives to express their sexuality. We absolutely cherish and protect our submissives because they are precious to us. We place an extremely high value on tradition, order, honor and respect. BDSM and the MDHL lifestyle are inextricably linked to who I am as a person and a sexual being, and it has taken me a lot to become comfortable with that. So I won’t stand by quietly and hear my lifestyle judged or torn down by anyone who doesn’t approve or understand it.

For me, it has certainly been a long and winding road, and in many waysI feel like I’m still near the beginning of my journey. But I feel very fortunate to have found my niche, and even more so to have found a safe haven to express myself in the way I need to without being judged or black balled. This is what the leather community has meant to me, and I look forward to even more experiences within it as my journey continues.

Frederick M. is 24/7 MDHL; Male Dominant Heterosexual Leather and proudly mentored by a member of the Monarchs. He currently resides in Los Angeles practicing polyamory with his two lovely submissives.

The Collar: Part Two

February 8, 2016 By Baadmaster 1 Comment

Our first article covered both the history and the current traditions with respect to collaring.

This article is meant primarily for newbie submissives who have yet to be collared. (As a newbie, you should also read “Predator Dommes” here on Kink Weekly.) Once warned about the pitfalls of being a submissive in the cold, cruel world out there, this article is meant to help you find a legitimate lifestyle Dominant to partner up with and be collared by.

After interviewing a number of subs for this article, I have selected what I feel are the six most instructive comments. Although I offer my interpretation of their ideas, the basis of this piece comes from the submissives themselves. After all, the best way to understand submission – and Dominance too — is to listen to submissives!

“When you are unowned and uncollared, you are a free agent. And, until you select a Master or Dom/me, you can make any decisions you feel are in your own best interest.” Many newbies assume that they must please any Dominant who shows interest in them from the jump. While you might feel submissive to a given Dom/me, until you are collared you are under no obligation to act in a submissive manner. If you want to play, fine. But you are under no obligation to be submissive in any manner contrary to how you feel at that point in time. A wise Dominant will not expect instant submission – unless the submissive is struck by “the thunderbolt” and voluntarily offers it. This leads to the next quote, which is…

“I am a submissive, just not your submissive…yet.” Until you decide to submit, even tentatively, to a Dominant, you are not his/her submissive. Yes, a Dominant might ask for you to address him/her as Sir or Ma’am. You can do this out of respect, if you wish. I personally see no harm in this, especially if you feel there is some potential. But this does not imply that you are his/her submissive. And if the Dominant bullies you, and pushes you past your comfort zone, make your feelings clear. This is not “topping from the bottom.” After all, you are not yet collared!

“No one will drum you out of the lifestyle for making decisions that affect your own life. If you piss off some prospective Dominants, they are probably not worth considering anyway.” If you find that a prospective Dom/me is annoyed by your independent ways, then he/she does not respect the fact that you are still uncollared. Until that day comes – and it can come quickly or over a long period of time – then you should not worry what he/she thinks about your right to make your own decisions. Obviously, once you are collared, pleasing the Dominant becomes an important aspect of your relationship. But until then, you are the captain of your ship. And that includes accepting – or rejecting – any potential Dominant.

“Many submissives are ruined by inexperienced Masters/Mistresses into whose hands they put their psyches.” Being owned or collared can be very intense. Thus, one should truly know and trust, the person you are submitting to. I do, however, disagree with the quote; it is not only inexpert Dom/mes who can cause psychic harm. Knowledgeable Doms can hurt a sub; newbie Doms can be awesome. I think it is more about the person than the experience level. No matter what, you should know the Dom/me in a deep way before you put your psyche into his or her hands.

“Don’t be afraid to use vanilla criteria.” Funny, this piece of advice came from my own slave! What she meant is that certain vanilla criteria – such as sense of humor, style, commonality of interest – can be just as important as play criteria. Ideally, you want both – lifestyle and vanilla. The world, though, is rarely ideal. Still, you want a Dom/me that you actually like – and enjoy spending time with. And not just BDSM time!

“Follow your heart.” At least three submissives said something similar to this. What they meant, it seems, is that you must go at the pace you wish, obey only those you want to obey and — until you are owned – go with your gut instincts. If you feel, deep inside, that the Dominant you meet is “the one,” go for it. But, if your heart says “maybe,” go slow. And if your heart says “no,” don’t be bullied into serving a Dominant just because he/she is Dominant!

Finding a Dominant can be a daunting task – as is finding a slave! But, I think these six observations can be helpful in your quest.

By Baadmaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Topspace

February 8, 2016 By Jenn Masri 12 Comments

Subspace. We’ve all heard of it and some of us have experienced it. If you are unfamiliar with what it is I highly suggest you read my article about it here on Kink Weekly. However, I get asked in class when I speak to subspace if there is an equivalent for D-types. Yes, there is such a thing as Topspace or Dom(me)space. However, this is something you hear much less about. Not only do you hear less about it, but it also seems to occur less often than subspace. Why is that? I have a theory.

This theory is my own personal opinion based on what I know of subspace and having experienced Topping. Have I gone out and researched it? Nope. Have I interviewed 100 D-types about it looking for common threads? Nope. So take this for what it’s worth and, if you’re really interested, do more research. If you do, and find more interesting tidbits – please leave them in the comment section below!

Ok, so let’s use subspace as a starting point. In general, subspace refers to an s-type’s reaction to various chemicals being released in their system. The closest vanilla activity I can compare it to is a runner’s high. In both scenarios the individual is pushing past, or through, a painful sensation – allowing the aforementioned chemicals (adrenaline, endorphins, etc.) to kick in. These chemicals give a natural high feeling and increase pain tolerance. If you have experienced either you know that you also have to allow yourself to relax into, or give into this chemical change in your body in order to feel the full effects. As I mentioned in my previous article about subspace, everyone experiences it differently.

So with that subspace refresher, here is why I think Topspace is more difficult for people to achieve. When you’re Topping you are focused on numerous things – where you want the scene to go, how your bottom is doing, which implement you’re using, your aim, your surroundings, etc. When you are that focused and “in your head”, it is much more difficult to let go, or “give in”, to the chemicals being released. You may still have endorphins and adrenaline pumping through your system however, there is a huge psychological component to achieving Topspace. For a runner if all you keep focusing on are the components of running – how tight your shoes are, worry about a lace coming undone, the pain in your right knee, concern about which direction you’re headed or if you’ll become lost on your trail, etc – you won’t ever allow yourself to get out of your head and give in to that runner’s high. The act of running has to become second nature so that you aren’t thinking about it anymore. That’s when you can start to “fly”, so to speak.

This is why I typically hear of D-types who have a lot of experience speaking of getting “spacey”. They have enough experience to where what they are doing is second nature. Flogging, spanking, or whatever they love just comes naturally and they don’t have to think very much about what they’re doing. They can let go and allow those chemicals to take over and feel all floaty after a scene just like s-types.

I think it takes a long time, and/or a lot of experience to get to the point that a D-type can get there, for their play to really become second nature – which is why we hear of it less often than subspace. It’s like getting in your car and arriving home, not remembering the drive. Because driving and your route home have become something you no longer have to consciously think about. Once a Top can say that about their play, they are much more likely to experience Topspace.

Baadmaster’s Guide to Public Play: Part Three

January 11, 2016 By Baadmaster 1 Comment

In order to live up the title of “Complete Guide,” let’s conclude this series with a collection of tips to make your public play a success. Of course, if you are an advanced player, these tips might seem obvious. Then again, you can use them as a check list to see that you have not forgotten any of them.

• Plan your scene. When you see musicians jam, they usually have their sets planned out. It is not totally free form. Same with public play – especially if it is your first time. You should not just wing it. Have a good idea of what equipment you will be using, what your scene will consist of and the general arc of the play. It need not be a note-for-note plan, but you should not leave a lot to chance – especially if it is your first scene.

• Agree on a safe word. This has been mentioned so many times, even in Fifty Shades for crying out loud, you probably want to punch the computer screen. Don’t. This is rather important and worth repeating. Make sure you not only have a safe word, but also have a safe signal.

• If you are performing rope bondage, watch out for cramping. The sub might not safeword on it, but it can be very painful – and not in a good way. Check in with the sub every once in a while with respect to this issue.

• If you are a hard or heavy player who is new to this particular group or dungeon, introduce yourself – and your submissive – to the host and/or the Dungeon Monitor (DM) and explain what you will be doing in your scene. That way, the DM will know what to expect, know that it is fully consensual, that you are in control and will not step in and stop your scene.

• If you wish to do something super-edgy and dangerous – like flesh hook suspension – you MUST discuss it with the host way before the actual party. (Again, this seems obvious, especially as equipment must be brought in.) This also applies to fire play and knife play.

• Although pain is not a requirement for a successful scene – rope bondage, caging or mummification can all be pain-free – remember what is heavy pain to one submissive can be light pain to another. One pain size does not fit all. The key word here is “communicate.”

• If you only want to watch, fine. Being a voyeur is perfectly acceptable at a play party. But be respectful of another’s scene. It might seem obvious, but do not interfere with any scene in any way.

• If you meet someone new and want to play, negotiate and outline the scene. The bottom should state in no uncertain terms what his/her hard limits are. And the Top should always respect these limits.

• Stick to these negotiated guidelines. Unless you are an experienced couple, stay reasonably within your negotiated limits. For example, if you have negotiated a light caning, keep it light. You might want to push the sub’s soft limits a bit, but don’t use the fact that he/she is immobilized as an excuse to do anything you want.

• Get the audience out of your mind. Concentrate solely on your Dominant or your submissive. Pay close attention to him/her; ignore any comments from those who are watching. Don’t play to the crowd; play to your partner.

• Observe. The Dom/me should be overly observant as to the condition of the sub. Often a submissive is reluctant to “safe.” Or is deep in subspace (which will be covered in subsequent articles) and cannot utter the safe word or even signal. So, don’t just rely on the safe word or safe signal. You don’t want to hurt your sub or have some DM stop your scene when you could just as easily have stopped it, or slowed it down, by yourself.

• Reassure your submissive. Being tied up or flogged in public is scary. Especially if it is his/her first time. Reassure the sub so he/she can relax and enjoy the scene.
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• Don’t neglect aftercare. “Aftercare” is the sum total of the actions a Dominant takes, after a scene, to ease the transition of the submissive from her/his elevated endorphin state back to pre-scene normality. For many submissives, this can be the highlight of the scene!

• Don’t forget to clean and wipe down any equipment that you used.

There is one final thing you should do to make your scene a complete success. Make sure you thank the other person and compliment them on their participation in the scene with you.

But whether you play or not, have fun at the party. That’s what parties are for!

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Reader question: Am I too young to be a domme?

January 4, 2016 By anniebear 7 Comments

anniebear here, bringing you a question from our reader, Rabbit. This topic has a variety of opinions and would definitely be considered a “hot button” issue. We’ve enlisted all of our regular writers to weigh in with their thoughts. I’ve posted the question here:

“Hey, I’m a relatively young Domme (24 and have been active in the scene for about two years now) and I have noticed something that bothers me. I frequently get people telling me I’m “too young” to know I’m a FemDom.

I suspect the assumption is that I have never explored submission. That’s not true in my case. I tried it with a few wonderful male Doms I’m good friends with and found submission of any variety was just not my thing. I put a lot of thought and exploration into this decision. However the devaluing of my status as a Dominant continues. Older subs, older Dommes and male Doms of any age all state that they cannot take young female Dominants seriously and many of them hold the opinion that women of my age should enter the scene solely as subs.

I would like to ask what the fuck is with that? I recognize that the old guard used to be of the opinion that everyone had to start as a sub but this seems different. This seems specific to female Dominants in my age group. At what age am I supposed to have the “privilege” of being respected as a Domme?”

Baadmaster says:

Actually your question is a three-parter; thus I will try to answer it in three parts. Duh!

1. There will always be ageism in every walk of life. Not saying Drake is better than Nirvana (he is not), but most people in Drake’s age range hate Drake without even listening to his music. Ageism in action. This is nothing to worry about. Being young, you will ultimately get the last laugh!

2. I will cover the “Old Guard” issue in a future Kink Weekly article, “BDSM Urban Legends Exposed.” Here is a preview: “Our final Urban Legend is, ‘You cannot become a Master/Mistress without having been a slave or a bottom.’ This is generally credited to the Old Guard Leather Societies, the progenitors of our current BDSM clubs, dungeons and community. This statement, of all the ones we have examined here, has the most to recommend it. Although I personally don’t think bottoming is a necessary step in the education of a Top, there are lifestylers whom I respect who think it is. It can be argued both ways. And although I don’t feel it is a necessary step, bottoming would surely give the Top a perspective that would be enlightening – in addition to a well-rounded education!

3. Respect is not a universal credential that you earn and everyone instantly respects you. I have heard behind-the-back dissing of some of the best Dom/mes in my community. Even our President is disrespected. I would say be as skillful and knowledgeable a Domme as possible and let the “respect” chips fall where they may. You will never get everyone to respect you; there are too many haters out there for that. But if you are respected by people YOU respect, that should be more than enough to reward your efforts.

Jenn says:

It’s interesting because I see this as an issue for young male Doms as well. I think it has to do with the thought that in order to be a Dom/me – it is assuming you wish to be (or are already) a Dom/me to a sub – that before you take the lead in someone else’s life, you need to have your own life together. Typically the younger you are, the less likely for that to be true. Your 20’s are normally a growth phase in one’s life where you are still discovering who you are as a person, getting your shit together, etc. So I think it’s difficult for people to accept that someone in their 20’s can do this not only for themselves but someone else as well.

In my opinion there is also a difference between being Dominant – or having a more Dominant personality – versus being someone else’s Dominant. It seems that s-types are given more of a pass because if you’re younger it fits our expectations that you still need someone to take on a leadership role in your life. However, again in my opinion, an s-type in their 20’s shouldn’t rely on a D-type to lead them. They still need to live their path and work on self – focus on growth, etc. When an s-type blindly follows without really knowing themselves first it is a set up for being taken advantage of, or worse.

All in all – I think this opinion is of both female and male D-types, perhaps people just feel more comfortable voicing their opinion to the females. Not sure. But I really don’t think in general it’s a Domme only issue/assumption.

anniebear says:

I think the biggest issue I’ve personally witnessed is a young, inexperienced Dom/me acting like they know everything. Most people within the scene would agree that you have to have experience and knowledge to back up all of the talk and ego. You can’t simply call yourself a master and then go messaging submissives expecting them to fall at your feet. While this does not sound like what you’re doing, most of the naysayers are probably used to this type of behavior so will be dubious of any young Dom/mes and unfortunately more so a FemDom. Sexism exists, even within our “open and accepting” community of kink. I say, keep doing you. Treat others with the respect that you would want towards yourself. Build your circle of friends and play partners and pretty soon you’ll be able to be a positive example and future mentor for other FemDoms.

Dexx says:

I know at least one female pro-domme in LA who has received similar comments from some people. Emphasis on the some – I would say many of the kink crowd down here wouldn’t put too much stock in the age – people want to play with people that they connect with. If I were ever to bottom, I don’t think I would think too much about the age of the top, but I would put a lot of value in the experience of the top (which can be, but isn’t always, related to age), and my chemistry with the top. Maturity, and the way a person carries herself are big factors – I know some 24 year olds who act like teenagers, and others like interesting, engaged, well-rounded adults. Having never met you, I can’t comment about whether this is a factor in your case, but something to consider.

Ultimately, you don’t need to care too much about these other people’s opinions. If you know you are a domme, be a domme. Embrace it, enjoy it, and screw the haters.

If you have any advice or opinions for our dear reader, we’d be happy to hear them in the comments below, we only ask that you please keep the conversation constructive and educational for all.

dominant

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