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ds relationship

Trust in D/s Relationships

October 16, 2017 By slave_bunny 2 Comments

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There are some people out there that think that being a submissive means that we will do anything a dominant says. But that is clearly not the case.

Submission is not given lightly, and it usually is only given to those that are deserving of that submission. The key ingredient that makes a submissive willing to give himself or herself over to a Dom in any capacity is trust. Why would we hand over any aspect of ourselves if we don’t feel that person has our best interest in mind? Why would we give ourselves over to someone that we don’t know for a fact is worthy of our service?

Because trust takes time to build, as time goes on, the sub becomes more devoted, service becomes better, and the Dom feels more comfortable bestowing more responsibility to the sub.

My Master and I started dating as a vanilla couple. To be honest, even though I knew I loved my Master very early on in our relationship, I would not have agreed to be his slave right off the bat.

I feel it’s a good idea to learn everything there is about your partner-what their preferences are, what their expectations are, what their lifestyle entails, who they hang out with, their daily routine, how they are going to treat you long term, their priorities in life, what their core values are, what kind of person they are- before jumping into any kind of power exchange dynamic.

Although doing a scene with someone calls for a high level of trust, becoming involved in a power exchange relationship requires a much deeper level due to the relationship/dynamic often extending outside of the dungeon and bedroom. For this type of relationship to be successful, you must be on the same page about so many things, and you need to know your partner inside and out.

A submissive needs to know that the Dom will be consistent, healthy, and respectful. A submissive should never worry about their Dom’s decisions or ability to make decisions for them. The point of this kind of dynamic is for life to be enhanced, not more laced with worry and doubt.

Lack of trust will breed that doubt, and create many hardships within the dynamic.  Truly knowing your partner is achieved by spending time together in kink and vanilla settings. It’s not a good idea to just know someone in one location or circumstance. You need to know your partner comprehensively. Ask yourself- How are they out to dinner? How are they in the dungeon? Do they ever contradict themselves? Has there been instances of dishonesty? Are they reliable, punctual, and consistent? Picking a sub or a Dom needs to be carefully thought out, and never done on a whim.

There must be trust towards the sub from the Dom as well. That’s the only way this kind of thing works.

The Dom needs to be able to trust that the sub will stick to the contracts/rules/protocols, be able to meet their needs/wants/expectations, and be able to honestly communicate.

Clearly, there are so many things one needs to know, from both the D and s side of the slash, before entering into a power exchange relationship.

Giving the relationship and trust time to develop will make the relationship that much more whole and fulfilling in the long run.

I came to my Master with a few hard and soft limits when we first got together. But over time, as trust grew and solidified, I retracted those hard and soft limits. And I knew it was only because of the time we put in to develop such a strong foundation between us. We now live by RACK rules (Risk Awareness Consensual Kink), which means that nothing is off the table. I fully trust my Master to make all decisions for me in and outside the bedroom.

I am in NO WAY saying that you shouldn’t start by playing with SSC rules (Safe, Sane, Consensual), have safewords, or have limits. I believe you SHOULD start out that way. But as time goes on, maybe you will change your original dynamic, once the submissive fully trusts their Dom and the Dom truly trusts their sub.

In short, trust is paramount for a successful power exchange relationship, which only can come about with time and learning as much as you can about your partner.

About the Author:

Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

 

Tagged With: bdsm, dominant, ds relationship, master, punishment, submissive, trust

The Power of Punishment

October 16, 2017 By slave_bunny 6 Comments

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How many of us have continually blamed ourselves for things we have done in the past? How many of us have had a partner remind us of our mistakes in a sarcastic or passive aggressive manner?

I feel the answer would be “yes” for most of us.

It’s human to have emotions that make us wants to hold onto things. It’s normal to make a mistake, blame others, and feel bad for what you have done or what has been done to you. However, it’s not healthy to hold onto the bad forever. We need to forgive ourselves, and we need our partners to forgive us as well (or the relationship is doomed to fail).

I have found the best way to do this is through receiving a punishment.

In our home, punishments aren’t given to make me feel worse. They are given so I can learn from my mistakes, so I can feel I have paid the price for what I have done, and so both my Master and I can move on from the incident knowing that it has been properly dealt with.

After the punishment is over, we hold no grudges towards each other. We even have a rule that the incident is not to be brought up again once the punishment has been completed. We always have a discussion about the infraction, and my Master will put in new rules and protocols, if necessary, to help reduce the chances of the incident re-occurring in the future.

With any punishment, the D type must figure out the why the misdeed occurred, and, if necessary, come up with ways to reduce the chances of it occurring in the future. That’s the only way a punishment can be truly effective. If a s type doesn’t know why they are being punished or the true magnitude of their mistake, the misdeed could keep occurring over and over. And who wants to deal with that?

D types should always assess whether their s type is actively defying them or if there is something else going on.  A genuinely devoted s type will not actively disobey, unless that is something the D type wants to see in the dynamic. Some D types are into brattiness and youthful defiance, but I am not talking about that here.

Consistency is also key in making punishments effective. No matter how tired you are, D types always need to rise to the occasion and punish their s types if necessary. Inconsistency will create confusion in the dynamic, making the s type feel uncared for and/or even cause the s type to think they can get away with breaking rules. I actually feel upset if I forget to do something and I am not at least spanked by my Master for the infraction. I need that closure.

One of the most important things with regards to discipline is that the punishment should also always fit the offense. Many factors should be taken into account when giving a punishment, such as: frequency, the offense itself, the circumstances surrounding the incident, the s type’s state, the d types state etc.

My Master usually spanks me for minor infractions, and will use other means of punishment if the offense is more serious, or has occurred before. In the past, I have been given writing assignments, chores, and have had things withheld such as my work out classes or orgasms. All of these were very fitting to the specific offense, and my Master gave each of them a lot of thought before giving them to me.

A punishment should not be enjoyable for the s type, but should also never cross a hard limit. I would suggest, if you are going to use something physical like spanking as a punishment, to have a specific item you only use for disciplinary action. This toy/tool should be something the s type doesn’t like, but does not cross any hard limits either. For me, my Master’s implement of choice is a ruler, which I have grown to dread the sight of.

I also feel it is very important to thank your D type for taking the time to punish you. Punishing a s type means that that D type cares about the growth of the relationship and of the s type. Punishing is often very difficult for D types, so saying thank you can go a long way. In our home, we have a rule that I must thank my Master after any punishment. This helps me to show my gratitude for his commitment to my growth and the overall health of the relationship.

D types should never punish out of anger either. To ensure this never happens, in our home, Master does not have to punish me right away. He has 24 hours to give me my punishment. He will also let me know when he wants to talk about the incident. It’s always a good idea to have something like this in place to avoid not knowing what to do or what to expect when a rule is broken. It also allows the D type to punish when he or she is emotionally able to.

We are all human, and in any relationship people will anger or frustrate the other- no matter how much you love each other, how devoted you are, or how many rules you have. Because of this, it’s always wise to have some kind of protocol in place if an s type were to break contract. Some D types, may not want to punish, and that’s totally okay. But something should be put in place, whether it be a warning, punishment, correction, discipline, or exit clause if all and/or certain rules are broken.

Our punishment and reward system works very well for us because it allows us to move on from any misdeed very quickly. It puts an end to the incident in a physical way, which helps to alleviate any mental tension. It provides closure, acceptance and self-growth. It brings us closer as a couple. It also gives Master and me the space to talk about the incident, and to get ahead of any issues that might be forming.

Even though I never want to disappoint my Master, when I do, I am very grateful that he takes the time to punish me, so we can both gain closure and move on from any negative incident that occurs. I hope this article gives others ideas on how to accomplish these wonderful things too.

About the Author:

Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

 

Tagged With: bdsm, D/s, ds relationship, power dynamic, power exchange, punishment, rewards

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